#being used intentionally by others for cruel devices

[clanoffelidae]

I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)

And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.

And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.

During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.

My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.

And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.

I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.

And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.

I don’t want to be in pain again.

And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.

And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.

I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.

Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.

Pain is good, but not like this.

Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’

Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.

But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.

Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.

You shouldn’t have to be strong.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to let you all know that.

[absolutebl]

Do you feel like shows that deal with idols not being allowed to date or actors having to hide queerness are a critique of that, or are they using it as a plot device because it’s a handy obstacle for love stories?

To me it reads as a critique because it seems so cruel and unfair to performers. But maybe it’s kind of a *shrug that’s the way it is* to folks actually in Thailand/Korea/Japan.

I have a similar feeling when I see unreasonable parents who expect their offspring to obey no matter what. Are the shows interrogating a cultural norm of unquestioning filial obedience or just using it as a plot point because it’s super relatable to audiences? Probably a bit of both, I guess…

Happy Pride!

Let's rehash BLs and QUEERNESS!!!

I think it depends on the point of view of the show and the perspective of the writer(s) and director(s). Those that have a queer lens are often having a dialogue with the audience on these subjects. Those that don't have any intentionality to their queerness are often using such things as performative plot devices, heart string manipulation, and for the vicarious titillation of a (mostly) straight audience.

So yeah, grey area.

I do have a bunch of stuff on this topic here (quite a bit is older before the big queer-up of the BL genre that has been happening over the last few years - see top trend of 2022) (and here's me talking about normalization in anticipation of this trend).

[the-algebra-thing]

I'm about to confess something that does not sit right with me at all for one reason or another but it's absolutely and undeniably a thing at this point. throughout much of my first reread of the left hand of darkness I drew COUNTLESS parallels to the organization of themes and the literary devices used in captive prince. I kept trying to put it out of my mind because I didn't like the comparison, but it's so potent and I can't just let it fall by the wayside. and I've even cut it off so you can easily scroll right past. but here's the deal.

the easiest comparison to make here is that estraven narrates much more often than laurent does, but it works to serve a similar purpose: for one, bringing clarity to the cultural aspect of what's going on now and has been going on for the entire story. we also respond to estraven's changes in mood—whether or not he's narrating—with the same cat's whisker sensitivity that we do laurent's, for the same reason: we get so little exposure to them, as these characters are very withdrawn. they also serve the same purpose of guiding our feelings about what we're reading towards a specific idea. this is what I noticed first.

in fact laurent and estraven are very different. the reasons they behave as they do are actually pretty diametrically opposite, with estraven's behavior coming directly from how steeped he is in his culture and how rightfully unequipped he is to deal with anything different, while laurent's stems from trauma that exposed him to the worst of his world, and caused him to widen his scope to an unhealthy degree—and he cleaves to values that contrast clearly with his culture's appearances in an attempt at defense. laurent's behavior is taken as simple incompetence, and revealed to be complex machinery; estraven's is taken as complex, cruel irony, and revealed to be simple, frank pragmatism. laurent snares damen intentionally; estraven snares genly ai sort of as a side effect of greater purpose.

still, they both guide their respective stories with an invisible hand and with the same dedication, devotion even, to goals beyond the scope of the duality their worlds present them with. they both have a much bigger and more complete picture right off the bat of what's going on—and how they can use it to steer the future—than we do, or than the main characters do.

on the other hand. genly ai and damen experience the same revolution of worldview, and thus identity, almost to a tee, it would seem. their role, in contrast to their respective narrative counterparts, is to bumble through the world they've been thrust into and discover along with us readers what the story is about. their role is to gain this new understanding of duality and what lies outside of it.

genly ai does this conspicuously. this is what the bulk of the left hand of darkness is dedicated to, without artifice. we follow along with him and are maybe a little surprised by the reach of estraven's goals and actions, but it's not a complete bombshell. damen does this mental legwork less obviously, as he doesn't realize that it's happening really until it's almost over—and I didn't begin to grasp the far reaches of this process until at least my third time reading. and we are both shocked hopefully on some level by the sheer godlike extent of laurent's machinery. but they both travel this path, inescapably shepherded by someone whose role they do not initially understand, and are equally shocked when they find out the extensive grasp those characters have on the narrative. and they both bring the idea and the means for the revolution the others so desperately needed.

honestly, the way these stories approach and use the idea of sex and sexuality is their most interesting similarity and their most potent difference. it holds a shit ton of symbolism, obviously, everything being about sex until it's about sex and all, but the directions they approach it from are almost opposite. and their resolutions specifically regarding it are pretty much opposite as well. there's also something to be said for captive prince not even trying to pass the bechdel test, and genly ai's thing about using "he" all the time because gethen's languages lack gendered human pronouns. I honestly don't even want to get into it because that's just a whole other post that I don't care nearly as much about. but it's there.

these stories are not one to one, obviously. captive prince takes on awareness pretty strictly through the lens of interpersonal relationship, while the left hand of darkness takes on awareness through a balance of like five different things, though politics do feature prominently in each. the scope is wider at first glance in tlhod, and in the end it really is, but not nearly as much as it originally looks, I think. still, it lacks a lot of the fetishism and directness that captive prince comes at you with, and utilizes more variety in proving its point—by the end, you feel less like a besieged dead horse. this is because captive prince's greatest strength, its scrupulously guarded limits to its purview, is also its fatal flaw. but again, that's an issue for another discussion I don't care to get into.

I'm not trying to say which one of these stories is better. I just am saying, directly off my second time ever reading the left hand of darkness, that a lot of the parallels are super wild

[eternclstud]

some girls just can't resist my good looks , my style and my charm , my unflinching ability to listen to … taylor swift . ind  &  sel ( low act . ) damon salvatore from the vampire diaries ,   s1 - 2 canon compliant , with some elements from s3 , and others ripped from the books .    will not acklowedge anything past / mid season 3 as canon .  if you hate damon / delena , or can't stand seeing ian's face this is not the blog for you , curate your dash .  18+ blog . damon is a vampire , and a dick , expect blood , gore , and nsfw themes . minors dni  . written by lenny .

hcs + pinterest + playlist

exclusives with : @survivcrsgvilt . this is a sideblog , i follow from @bitmiscuous

some rules under the cut:

i don't wanna go on and on about stuff, so regular rules apply: don't metagame/godmode without permission , be nice , don't harass me for replies .

if u hate damon for x and x reasons thats valid , but i don't intend to soften his characterization to cater to anyone else except for myself . please don't harass me about playing a fictional character . this is a character i write for fun , and while i can acknowledge his behavior would not be okay irl , i am a grown individual who is quite therapized and very capable of dicerning between reality and fiction , i look at tvd through the goggles of entertainment , everyone is fucking everyone and a murder is just another thursday , nobody's very fazed . his fictitious crimes simply do not bother me , i find the character compelling all the same , and if they bother you that's completely fair , but again , not the blog for you .

if u can't tell , i'm pretty trigger free , so triggers will be present on this blog but i'll try to tag the more obvious ones .

i'm completely refusing to accept the 'off switch' in my canon , i'm sorry but i fucking hate that plot device lmao .

anything and any characters post s3 don't exist to my damon , we can still plot , but all the nonsense that happened won't be applicable . this means no stupid sire bond , no siren , no enzo , no lab , no dumb canon about their mom being a vampire god help me ... i think u get the gist . ik about later seasons from friends , but haven't watched from s3 onwards and i have no intention to do so , soooo ... yeah .

english isn't my first language , i'm not super knowledgeable in the us either . i'm doing my best , be patient with me , have a cookie .

i'm stealing some of the more gothic-like elements from early s1 / the book . i think they were dope . there might be mentions of fog / the crow if i feel spicy , i'm not sure how much yet so i'll leave this be .

in othello's words : "i am one who loved not wisely but too well". damon is a complicated dude , he's selfish and cruel and reckless guy , loving and being loved by him is not easy , that doesn't mean he can't love people . he does ... his own way . he loves his brother , and that doesn't stop him from being selfish , and punishing him . he won't let him die , but he won't let him have peace either . he'd take a bullet for him , but he'd also cause him immesurable pain , usually as a consequence of his recklessness , but sometimes intentionally . he loves elena , that does not make him unselfish , or not dangerous to literally everyone around her . and depending on the verse (though i'll argue he'll always carry a torch for her) , damon loves katherine , and it doesn't keep her from idealizing her into something she never was to begin with , being petty and vengeful and mean . he's fueled by love , but that love doesn't always make him kind , and occasionally it makes him crueler . he's a complex dude , and i like writing about it , if this or him make you in any way uncomfortable , please , curate your dash , block me , do what you have to do , no hard feelings . just please don't come for me over a fictional character , thank you .

if i think of anything else i'll add to this <3

[milfygerard]

The Man isn't exactly a nice song if you have the proper context to actually understand it instead of the making things completely up out of thin air thing that Gaylors who've come to the fandom after the reputation Era prefer, (not that I'm accusing you of doing such, it's just an extremely common thing within the Gaylor fandom) Taylor has an abusive older ex-gf who has a male "alter-ego" named "Charlie" who did something really awful and publicly humiliating to her on February 14th, 2013 and Taylor references that exact date in that scene of The Man MV where all the nasty middle-aged men are pawing and groping at that young women and throwing money with Tyler Swift's face on it at her.

Taylor put the date 2/14/13 on the money and considering how absurdly, intentionally cruel and publicly humiliating the rumored abusive incident that happened to Taylor on that date was, it really paints her view of masculinity as something to be reviled by within the context of The Man MV when the context that Taylor referenced the date that a GNC ex-gf of hers did something extremely abusive and humiliating to her in the MV is added.

Taylor's seems to have gotten over the negative view of masculinity in a generalized sense that she seems to have had in The Man MV these days though, now she seems to have more of a general disdain for the restrictveness of gender roles preventing her from being able to live her life with who she wants for the past decade, which to be fair is something that makes perfect sense to be pissed off about.

But I digress, I've always found the concept of men/masculinity in Taylor's discography interesting because other than the he/him pronouns, Taylor hardly ever assigns stereotypically masculine character traits to either her supposed male love interests or her own male POV character, she'd only really ever assigns them character traits that would be considered generally gender neutral or occasionally a character trait that could be considered mildly feminine.

There's only a handful of songs where Taylor assigns masculinity beyond he/him pronouns or assigns traits that are generally considered to lean more masculine to one of the parties within her songs in a generally positive manner with at least one line in the song off of the top of my head, Ready For It, King Of My Heart, Lover, I Think He Knows, strangely enough Snow On The Beach and Slut!, and those are all songs in which Taylor assigns said traits to either her lover and/or her male beard.

Taylor's personal male POV characters in non-satirical songs never seem to be men, they pretty much always seem to be teenaged boys, and they're never really assigned any particularly masculine character traits, when she chooses to characterize her male POV characters, she generally assigns them what are considered generally childish character traits that are detrimental to the lives of her male POV characters, which is in line with the theme of her arrested development being life-ruining that Taylor has been leaning heavily on for her last couple of albums.

It is very, very interesting and I am glad that Taylor is in a place where she can have fun and experiment with this staple literary device of her's, after all it lead to the amusing delightfulness that is Snow On The Beach, a song in which Taylor uses the segment transition sounds from the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show as part of it's music production in conjunction with a cheeky reference to a Janet Jackson song about Janet really wanting to ride her love interest's nice package tonight being something that Taylor feels for her towards her lover all the time.

ok i have no clue what your opening paragraph is talking about ur on some esoteric fandom gossip that I cant begin to understand but good on you. Are you talking about Dianna? Is Dianna Agron "gender non-conforming"? Does taylor swift have a secret terrible vaguely masc girlfriend who ive never heard of? I need more details anon

Regarding the rest: i don't think taylor made The Man music video because of a negative perception of masculinity that shes grown past, it was far more her satirizing and mimicking very real behavior from the kind of men she probably has had to deal with daily for a good portion of her life and was clearly a pretty honest representation of her frustrations, since she also brought it to Eras Tour with her.

Also because I pick up a vibe (though I could be wrong) I wanna clarify im not a late stage kaylor, which if you are will definitely divide our interpretations on the more gossipy parts of analysis (muse talk relationship timelines etc)

I definitely agree that the men in taylors songs are rarely portrayed as super masculine or heavily gendered, which I think is part of what draws queer women so much to her work. Masculinity is clearly very secondary in what she wants from a partner, or at least she finds it mostly uninspiring as lyrical inspiration unless she can get a good rhyme out of it.. I'm not really sure what masc coding you get regarding the SOTB love interest though, the lyrics feel very abstracted and ephemeral and give very few solid descriptions of the love interest, id def be interested in you expounding on youre reading of SOTB

I dont think taylor writes majorly from a teen boys POV, its mostly just betty being so prominent it kind of overshadows the other examples, but its true she generally avoids particularly masculine terms or characterization thats common in other songs. Part of this is because for choruses, the mans POV often comes as a flip of the original chorus (with the interesting exception of our song, where taylor takes the final chorus while the man takes the first 2 choruses). Theres also the verses that take and flip an earlier lyric within a song (like HYGTG). The most interesting big-machine-era song to me when talking about POV though is still marys song, because the way its written you forget that mary isnt the point of view character, that it opens with "she said" which implies the singer is the "you" who mary is singing to. I really wonder how she ended up writing the song this way, i hope she talks on it a bit in the TV because it's such an interesting and odd decision.

yeah ive heard the VS noise comparison and it is indeed very funny. On top of swifties peer pressuring taylor into turning it into a lesbian duet bc they were infuriated by lack of lana its an absolute gem.

ur last sentence is a little confusing, are you sayong taylor is getting mad dick or strapped down or something? if so good for her

and yeah ive been here since a little before rep, id say i got into taylor a little before/during 1989 and got more into gaylor stuff at the tail end of 1989. Def not an oldhead but ive seen some things lol. Appreciate the message!

[kresnikcest]

the vote's pretty much decided but i will always take the opportunity to infodump about x2 (thanks @lastthroes for the screencaps)

Massive spoilers for Xillia 2 (but as i said, is it really a spoiler if the game never explains half this stuff?)

Victor

An older parallel universe version of TOX2's protagonist Ludger who went on a similar journey that Ludger goes on in the game. In his world though, the little girl named Elle (with violet-eyes like Lara, not green) dies due to Victor's decisions and they fail to save the world due to not being the original universe. He is the father of the green-eyed Elle we meet in-game.

He intentionally traumatises and manipulates his eight year old daughter with the end goal of having them both reincarnated into a new world, despite Elle's objections that she doesn't want to be reborn because she doesn't think she will be the same person as Prime Elle.

Part of this trauma generally includes faking himself getting shot repeatedly while protecting her, and sending her on a journey that he knows will involve her watching a bunch of people get stabbed to death to destroy alternate dimensions. He also knows she'll love Prime Ludger during this journey and, yknow, he still plans on murdering him.

However, while Elle comes to fear that Victor never really loved her and always wanted Prime Elle, Victor does sincerely love Elle specifically as his daughter, and his actions are driven by the belief that this is the only way to save both of their lives from Origin's Trial (the completion or failure will mandate their deaths as Fractured individuals) and live in peace together. He ultimately just wants Elle to survive, something that isn't explicitly guaranteed in the Prime Dimension without his interference.

Bisley

Ludger and Julius' father, also Elle's grandfather in a Fractured Dimension. The current leader in completing Origin's Trial. His wife, Julius' mother, died when Julius was young after Chronos hunted her down for being the Key of Kresnik. Julius left Bisley's care around the age of 13 after discovering that Bisley allegedly sacrificed his mother's life, and that Bisley conceived Ludger with his sister-in-law, and that the Soul Bridge necessary to complete the Trial required a human sacrifice, of which Julius was one option of two.

Okay I'm not gonna lie this is really hard because even JP guidebook material cannot make up its mind on whether or not Bisley is sympathetic. He is described multiple times as basically being willing to sacrifice anyone, including his wife, sons, and fractured granddaughter for the sake of the Trial, but it is also emphasised that he does all of this for the sake of freeing the Kresnik clan from Origin's Trial and from the influence of the spirits who started it.

Bisley pre-game is... not very well explained besides what I said above about Julius' mother. On one hand, basically everyone who thinks he's bad news as a father is... proven right. He uses Ludger and Julius and Elle to complete the Trial, which involves so much death and murder, never mind that Julius was 11 when he started all this and was left to his own devices as long as he didn't actually disappear.

On the other hand, it is stated that Bisley cared greatly for his first wife, since he placed princessia flowers on her grave for the past 22 years since her death. He also leaves one for Ludger's mother once he finds out she's likely dead, and it's noted by Julius that for whatever reason, Bisley never actually hunted his sister-in-law down when she disappeared, despite Julius' own theory that Ludger was conceived to surpass Julius' limitations in power. Bisley also is not cruel for the sake of being malicious, any manipulations on his end are for the end goal of saving all humanity, even at the expense of spirits.

Bisley is the definition of utilitarianism tbh, the Trial and the safety of humanity are his biggest priorities, he won't go out of his way to spite or kill his sons except for where it will benefit him, but that also means any love he has will not save them if they get in his way.

Explaining why this is an intentional match-up is impossible without Xillia 2 spoilers, so.... stop reading if you care.

But yes! Who is the worse parent between this father and son?

Sound off in the comments about their attributes as parents! It probably doesn't bode well for Bisley that Victo has a picture of his child actually looking happy to see him

[dreahmdere]

Attack On Titan - Ymir Fritz Character Analysis

One of the characters that I put in high A or S, and is one of the most important character in the whole series. 

I deeply disagree if you think she’s just a “plot device”, because imo, she’s one of the best character that portrays the concept of abuse in animanga medium. Yet I must not deny that I too first think her character as shallow due to her reasoning being “love”. 

There’s nothing wrong with a character that revolve around love, in fact this is a point that has a lot of potential because it’s one of the most interesting and complex emotion a human has. Yet the way Isayama use it indeed seems and feels like a plot device. Though I disagree with that after rereading and analyzing her character details more (+ reading other people’s).

So I’m going to use this post to explain the questions for her character I often see in the internet (and as a personal note for myself).

Warning: potential manga spoiler ⚠ ⚠

Part 1: Why did Ymir return back to the king?

I think, the whole “because Ymir love Fritz” is an extremely surface take of this, because Ymir did not come back because of that. 

Beforehand, we must dive into the reason why Ymir even ran away from Fritz: 

Ymir has always want freedom. She may or not may understand that concept, but there is a want and interest in freedom. And one day, that want resurface when she saw three pigs being caged, reminding her of her own lack of freedom. So, she frees them.

You know the story, she free the pigs, the king ask who did it, threaten the slaves, and her fellow slaves point the blame on her (note here, they did not know that Ymir is the one who did the deed. They just see Ymir as the best candidate to become the black sheep due to her personality and age *further explanation below*)

So that leads to the king “freeing” Ymir by saying the words, but still asked his soldiers to chase after her (also a guess that the king ordered to take out Ymir’s eye cuz there’s a trail of blood on that part). 

So to get the point straight, Ymir’s first taste of “freedom” is something horrible. She’s being chased, she’s hurt, and she doesn’t feel safe. Let’s use the case of caged animals. Caged dogs who has been caged for the majority of its life is thirsty of freedom, yet the moment that dog is being freed to nature (forest, etc), the dog won’t survive due to the threat that it never met (wild animals, plants, dangerous landscapes, etc). At the end, that dog will wish to return back home. 

This is the exact thing happening to Ymir. Under King Fritz, Ymir at least doesn’t feel the fear or “unsafeness” when she’s being chased, or having the painful wounds.

The white flower above is highlighted because that is the realization that Ymir felt about freedom (cruel, fear, pain, etc).

PS: I don’t know if the king is doing this intentionally to use that psychology on Ymir, or is he simply a sadist but that’s not the point.

Part 2: Why did Ymir “love” her abuser?

Ymir became Fritz’s wife at age 14, and it said 4 years after she got her titan. Meaning Ymir became a titan at 10 years old.

10+13 = 23 (Ymir died at this age)

I don’t know the exact age when Ymir became a slave, but it’s definitely below 10 years old.

So with her innocent and naive self, she looks at the kissing couple, and thought that as love (even though we all know marriage doesn’t always mean love). That is the closest thing to romance that Ymir has ever witness.

The couple is smiling, the girl wear a pretty dress with flowers on top of her head, the people cheer for them. It’s happy and reminding Ymir of her life *completely opposite and filled with misery*, a reason why Ymir wish for it more (highlight that she’s also a child that is stripped away from that, so it has always been there yet never been explored).

Also adding the fact this is like 2000 years ago, meaning that love, romance, dating, etc is way rare and unexposed. So yeah, the closest thing Ymir saw regarding to romance is marriage.

Thus why, Ymir thought that Fritz love her when he take her as his concubine/wife. She thought it as love. Fritz is also the only person that Ymir can get love from, and because of that, she yearn it from him.

When she saw Fritz around other girls, I’m 100% sure she’s not happy, yet she doesn’t exactly know that it’s wrong (highlight the fact she’s still a teenager *uneducated one* here).

The point being made:

• Ymir never learn what love is

• The marriage couple shows the lack of happiness and love in Ymir’s life, and that want basically grow because of that scenery.

• Marriage is the ultimate/declaration of love for Ymir

• She doesn’t know how a spouse should treat their spouse

• Fritz is the only available person that can give what Ymir want

This is all resolve in her conclusion.

Part 3: Ymir’s personality

“You like her too, right?”

“Because she’s a kind girl who’s always thinking of others.”

“That’s why you should be someone everyone can love, who depends on others and on whom others can depend”

I think it’s easier if we think Ymir’s personality is someone like Christa. She’s the type of a “people pleaser” person. A person who love to please others. This is shown in the first scene of Ymir’s backstory: a small child helping adults to take the water from the well. 

Ymir Fritz is what people called “goddess” in both the real and Aot world (she literally got called that). In a world where the label “kind person” are given by how much you please other people (highlight Armin and Annie’s conversation).

In Marley, you are a “good Eldian” if you help the motherland by being a warrior/soldier/titan shifter that goes to the front line for Marley. In Paradis, you’re a “good soldier” if you help something the civilians acknowledge (retake Wall Maria, etc). Thus the scouts are never appreciated even when they are risking their lives, fighting tooth and nail for a bit of a progress, because that is something the people cannot see.

And this is exactly what happens in the real world too. A world where people mostly see the front of a person instead of inside. 

Act > thoughts (even though act could be an acting, and thoughts are the real one).

So yeah, this is one of the cause of Ymir’s extreme submissiveness towards her own goal (freedom), a complete opposite of Eren, who’s to determined for freedom.

[alphadaddyderek]

Dude, just get out! (we both live here dumbass!) (sterek fic, smut, college au)

Stiles was initially excited to go to college. The freedom aspect of it in particular is what Stiles was the most excited about. Don’t get him wrong, he loves his dad, of course, he does. He didn’t mind living with him, he liked seeing him on a daily basis. He’s all Stiles has. Well, Stiles has Scott, but Scott is attending university in Arizona of all places. Meanwhile, Stiles is going to NYU, so, there’s not a lot of opportunities to see Scott or his father in person.

Not to fret though! Stiles was ready like Freddy to meet new people and, hopefully, make new friends along the way. That’s what college is all about. Supposedly, Stiles wouldn’t know but if all the movies are to be believed then that’s what college is all about.

He and his dad spent days driving up to NYU and then spent hours moving Stiles’ belongings into his off-campus apartment and unpacking. Stiles got a full-ride —thank god— so there’s extra money for him to be able to live in an actual, nice apartment instead of the dorms. His roommate was nowhere to be seen at the time, but that was fine with Stiles. He’d have plenty of opportunities to get to know him. Stiles’ dad left to stay in a hotel for the night because there was no way he was starting the trek back to Beacon Hills this late in the day. So, Stiles was left to his own devices in his new apartment.

Well, he was for about twenty minutes, then his roommate came back and...he’s kind of a dick.

He has a resting bitch face and he hardly likes to talk. Stiles doesn’t know if it’s because the guy doesn’t like him or if he’s just the quiet type. He’s starting to think that the guy doesn’t like him because every time Stiles starts talking he looks annoyed. The dick’s name is Derek and coincidentally, he also goes to NYU. He did tell Stiles his major, but wouldn’t tell Stiles what his favorite color was, which is just plain rude.

Anyway, Stiles isn’t going to let this Debbie downer ruin his college experience, no way!

Stiles decides the best thing to do is to just ignore him. Which is hard to do because the guy takes up so much space, like, he’s actually huge. And he always seems to be in the apartment when Stiles comes back from classes. Which is weird because, dude, don’t you have classes to go to? Nonetheless, he’s always there which means Stiles has to see him all the time and Derek can continue being an asswipe for no reason.

For example, Stiles sometimes forgets to wash the dishes —sue him!— and Derek will chew him out for it. Stiles didn’t know Derek was such a neat freak, but now that he knows he’ll leave more things laying around because Stiles can also be a dick when he wants to be. Maybe Derek should learn to be more personable, then Stiles wouldn’t have to go out of his character by doing such petty things. They’ve only been living together for about a week and a half and there’s already a turf battle going on. Stiles isn’t sure who’s going to win this battle, however, the sight of Derek tripping over one of Stiles’ shoes and the subsequent curse that flies out of his mouth makes Stiles not even care in the end.

--------------

After about a month, it's way more than just a battle. The turf battle has evolved into a war and now, no one is safe.

Derek continues being yucky and Stiles continues to do things to intentionally annoy him, except, now Derek is doing things to annoy Stiles. Like, eating all of Stiles’ Pop-Tarts or, and this is a cruel one, flushing the toilet while Stiles is in the shower. Unfortunately for Stiles, Derek buys gross ass healthy food for himself, and Stiles couldn’t choke down that food to save his life. So, what can one do to even the playing field?

Derek is sitting on the couch in the living room, watching some show about underwater caves. Stiles normally wouldn’t stick around because, despite what Derek might think, Stiles really doesn’t enjoy being talked down to by an abnormally grumpy man. This time though, Stiles sits down beside him. He can see Derek watching him from the corner of his eye, probably waiting to see what Stiles is going to do. Stiles likes to instill fear in Derek. Normally he acts like Stiles is nothing more than a bug he wants to squish under his overly expensive boot, but now? He’s worried. He should be. Stiles is going to pull out his ultimate weapon.

“So, whatcha watchin’?” Stiles asks, plastering a smile onto his face.

Derek gives him a suspicious look. “Why do you want to know?”

Stiles shrugs, smile still present. “I’m curious. This show seems interesting.”

Derek gives him an incredulous eyebrow raise, which is super insulting. Derek thinks all Stiles watches is Harry Potter, Star Wars, and superhero movies. Which is just wrong. But that’s okay. Stiles thinks all Derek watches are documentaries about how to be a functioning human in society, which, newsflash Derek, still needs working on.

A few minutes go by before Stiles decides to speak again. “So, you haven’t told me about your family.”

“That’s intentional.”

Stiles laughs. Derek thinks he can scare Stiles into leaving him alone. Unfortunately for Derek, Stiles has zero self-preservation skills.

“Come on Derek. We’re roommates. Don’t you want us to get along?”

Derek didn’t dignify that with a response —rude!— so Stiles speaks again.

“My dad is the sheriff of my hometown. Been that way for as long as I can remember. My best friend, his name is Scott, wants to be a vet. He goes to The University of Arizona. After that he’s not sure where he’ll go to get his DVM but he’s open to anything.”

Derek turns the volume up on the tv and Stiles bites his lip to stifle his laughter.

Ah, Derek. That won’t help.

“At first I was kinda skeptical about Scott becoming a vet. I mean, he’s a puppy himself, and I love him to death, but sometimes he’s ditzy. He’s a ditzy brunette. But after working at Deaton’s, Deaton is the town vet, for years he’s proved me wrong,” Stiles risks a glance at Derek and he’s scowling so hard Stiles is kind of afraid it’ll get stuck that way forever. “He and his girlfriend, Allison, are kind of having issues with long-distance but they’re high school sweethearts so I’m confident that they’ll work through it. They’re so cute together that it’s actually kinda nauseating. Like, sometimes their sappiness makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder when they’ll get ma-”

Derek abruptly stands up and walks out the room, slamming and locking his bedroom door, as if Stiles is the boogeyman who he’s trying to keep out.

Stiles snickers and grabs the remote to change the channel. Derek gets annoyed when Stiles talks, well, he shouldn’t have started this war then (it doesn’t matter that technically Stiles started it). Stiles has weaponized his ability to talk people’s ears off. So, Derek better watch out.

Hopefully, Derek won’t murder Stiles in his sleep.

--------------

Okay, so, Stiles thinks maybe this whole turf war thing is getting out of hand.

It’s been a total of 3 and a half months since they’ve been living together and Derek and Stiles are on edge around each other 24/7. Stiles has to shower around eleven o’clock at night so that Derek won’t burn him alive by flushing the toilet. Derek doesn’t have access to Stiles’ snacks anymore because Stiles hid them in the back of his closet. Derek stays in his room all day just so that Stiles won't have any opportunities to talk to him. They’re at an impasse, but Stiles has a feeling that the worst has yet to come.

A really bad feeling.

Stiles comes back from a particularly grueling day of classes to see Derek sitting on the couch...and he’s smirking.

That doesn’t bode well for Stiles.

“Hello, Stiles.”

“Uh, hey dude. Why do you look like a supervillain?”

“‘Cause I have a surprise for you.”

Yeah, that definitely didn’t sound good.

“Actually, I am a-okay. I really don’t need the surprise. I appreciate it though,” Stiles tries to make his way towards his room but Derek keeps talking.

“I normally don’t snoop through people’s things, it’s really not in my character, but after you left to go out last night, I heard some weird noises coming from your room. I was trying to ignore it at first, but after a while I went to see what it was. I was going to mention it this morning but you woke up before I did and by the time I had woken up you were already in class.”

Stiles had stopped in his tracks but he still hasn’t turned around to face Derek, because if Derek is going where Stiles thinks he’s going, Stiles is going to need to be able to book it into his bedroom as soon as possible.

Derek didn’t seem too perturbed by Stiles’ silence since he continues with his story. “Imagine my surprise when I found out that it was your laptop making that noise. Now, I wasn’t surprised by the fact that porn was playing, but what I was surprised at-”

Oh god.

“-was that the video you were watching was titled ‘bear fucks twink with huge cock’. And now I can’t help but question your hatred towards me.”

Stiles’ face is burning. He’s never been so embarrassed in his life, which is really a great feat because Stiles doesn’t get embarrassed by much. It’s not that Stiles didn’t notice Derek was hot, like, come on now, Derek is gorgeous. He’s not that much taller than Stiles but the size of his biceps? They’re easily the size of Stiles’ thigh. Derek is bigger than Stiles in every aspect.

Well, he’s not sure about every aspect. Stiles has never seen Derek’s dick outright, but he’s seen him wear sweatpants, and ooh boy, that bulge gives Stiles the impression that Derek is hung like a horse.

Stiles still hates Derek because Derek still has his asshole-ish ways. Case in point: right the fuck now. But, you can hate someone and still want to fuck them, right? Hate sex exists.

Derek is patiently waiting for Stiles to respond, and Stiles has never been good at staying silent, so it’s only a matter of time.

Stiles finally turns around to face Derek and clears his throat. “That- that means nothing. People watch shit like that all the time. Plus, you hardly qualify as a bear.”

It’s a weak excuse but, hey, Stiles is grasping at straws here.

Derek tilts his head to the side in agreement. “True, but if that was the case, why do you seem so nervous?”

Stiles can’t think of a reasonable response in time and Derek knows it.

Derek smirks again and Stiles really wants to knee him in the dick.

“Do you wanna fuck me?”

Stiles narrows his eyes at Derek. What the fuck is his endgame here? Why is he being such a dick?

Oh yeah, because Derek is a fucking asshole.

“Fine,” Stiles says through gritted teeth. “I find you attractive. I watch porn about big, hairy men fucking twinks because I want you to fuck me. Are you happy now? Jackass.”

Stiles storms into his room and slams the door. That’s a perfect example of why people can’t be pretty and nice. It’s genetically impossible.

Stiles lets out a sigh and dumps his backpack on his bed before stripping out of his clothes and getting into the shower. He stands under the spray for ten minutes, just praying to the cosmic gods out there that a black hole will appear and suck the whole human race into nothingness. After waiting for a few more minutes, and his prayers going unanswered, he washes himself then gets out to dry off. He wraps the towel around his waist and opens the door to find Derek standing outside his bathroom door. He shrieks (a very manly shriek by the way) and covers his chest with his arms, not that that’ll hide much.

“Derek, what the fuck are you doing?”

Derek’s eyes do the slowest sweep in fucking existence down Stiles’ body and Stiles feels his cheeks flush. Ugh, why are the cutest guys always assholes?

“I came to apologize. I was being a dick-”

“What else is new?” Stiles interrupts. Stiles is rewarded with another smirk.

“-and I took it too far. I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”

Stiles looks at Derek for a second. They’ve never apologized to each other when they did shit, and even though Stiles didn’t take it as far as Derek did, Stiles can’t stand here and act like he wasn’t also an asshole.

Stiles sighs. “I’m sorry too. I was also kind of a dick. Not as much as you, but still.”

Derek laughs a little, and Jesus H. Christ, how is a laugh sexy? “Apology accepted.”

Stiles holds his hand out for a handshake. Derek puts his hand in Stiles’ and they shake on their newfound not-friendship-but-also-maybe-not-complete-dicks-to-each-other-ship.

“So,” Derek starts after they drop their hands. “wanna have sex?”

Stiles might’ve actually choked on his own fucking spit, because what?

“What?”

“I asked if you wanted to have sex.”

“Where is this even coming from? You hate my guts. Every time I talk you look like you’re going in for a root canal.”

Stiles is so confused, he’s also getting hornier by the minute, but right now, the confusion is outweighing the horniness.

“I don’t hate you. Yeah you talk a lot, and it was so annoying at first, sometimes it still is, but I got used to your incessant chatter.”

Stiles knows he looks dumb, his mouth is gaping and everything. “I think maybe there was something in the water because I must be high. We’ve lived together for over 3 months and you’re telling me that you actually want to have sex with me?”

Derek shrugs. “Yeah. Just because you can be kinda annoying that doesn’t mean you’re not cute. Plus, people have sex all the time, that doesn’t mean we have to, like, date or whatever.”

Stiles rolls his eyes. Derek’s so romantic, how has Stiles been able to resist jumping his bones for this long?

“You just embarrassed the hell out of me, why would I ever want to have sex with you?” Never mind the fact that Stiles definitely does want to have sex with him.

“Maybe you don’t. If not, then fine. We can just go back to how things were. If you do, then we’ll have a great time.”

Stiles is still struggling to wrap his mind around all of this. Derek wants to have sex with him? In what universe does that make sense?

Apparently in this one.

Stiles does this sort of shrug that basically portrays well, what the fuck? Okay then. “Okay. I guess this is happening then.”

Derek smirks for like the fiftieth time in thirty seconds and if Stiles was a stronger man he definitely would’ve kneed Derek in the dick, but clearly, Stiles is weak.

Very, very weak.

“My room or yours?” Derek asks.

“Mine. Since it’s right there,” Stiles points behind Derek and, lo and behold, there’s Stiles’ bed.

Grabbing Stiles’ hand in a surprisingly gentle gesture, Derek walks the three feet from the bathroom to the bed to lay Stiles down.

Derek gets on top of the bed and is sitting on his knees by Stiles’ feet. He pulls his shirt off like he’s in Magic Mike or something before throwing it onto the floor without a care in the world. Jesus, it’s like his muscles have muscles. Stiles starts feeling a little insecure about his body. He’s got muscles, but, he’s not, like, ripped like Derek is. Stiles likes to think he has somewhat of a swimmer’s body.

Looming over him like a fucking creeper, Derek stares down at Stiles. “You know, you’re very pretty.”

Stiles refuses to admit that he blushes at that because he’s not pretty. If anything he’s handsome, some may even say gorgeous.

“Can you just get on with it?” Stiles throwing a scowl in Derek’s direction.

“Bossy. I kinda like that,” he strips his sweatpants off and throws them down too. Now he’s only in a pair of gray boxer briefs and, god, Stiles wants to suck his dick so badly. Which is weird because he’s really not all that experienced with blowjobs, he’s given maybe two blowjobs in his life. Whatever, Derek has a great dick okay?

Derek tugs at the towel around Stiles’ waist. “Is this okay?”

Stiles nods and then the towel is gone, and Stiles is laid bare for Derek to gaze at his leisure. And boy does Derek gaze. He does another slow sweep down Stiles’ body, except this time it’s even more intense because now Stiles is naked.

“You’re not a virgin right?” Derek asks while rummaging through Stiles’ bedside drawer and pulling out the lube. First of all, it’s rude to go through people’s stuff! Second of all, how the hell did Derek know his lube was there? Although, where else would lube be?

“Nope. There will be no deflowering of the Stiles today. Sorry to disappoint.”

Derek shrugs before popping open the lube. “I’m not one of those weirdos who pops a boner at the thought of popping someone’s cherry.”

Stiles chuckles, like actually chuckles. Who knew Derek was even capable of being funny?

Stiles pulls his legs up and hooks his hands behind his knees. The position exposes Stiles’ hole to the extreme and it makes Stiles blush. Just because he’s not a virgin doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get nervous or embarrassed during sex.

Derek knee-walks closer to Stiles and squirts some lube onto his fingers. He puts one hand on Stiles’ right thigh while the other one gently and slowly breaches his entrance. Fuck, his fingers are thick. Thicker than Stiles’ that’s for sure. Stiles definitely isn’t shy about fingering. He fingers himself all the time, but it’s been a while since someone else’s fingers were up there. Stiles is nervous and excited about it all.

Derek doesn’t spend too much time with the one finger, quickly adding a second one and that’s when it starts feeling good. Derek’s fingers are about an inch away from his prostate and Stiles is about to curse him out until Derek presses both fingers against his prostate and Stiles has to bite his lip to stop the loud ass moan that almost escaped his mouth. Judging by the look on Derek’s face, he knows he touched Stiles’ prostate, and being the asshole that he is, he has a cocky smile on his face.

After scissoring those two fingers inside Stiles for a few minutes, Derek adds a third finger. The stretch is definitely there, but hey, Stiles likes a little pain with sex. He can be kinky sometimes.

“Okay. I’m ready, come on,” Stiles says. He was starting to get impatient. He just wants to get dicked down already, damn.

Derek gently removes his fingers and gets off the bed to pick up his sweatpants. He reaches into the pocket and retrieves a condom out. Stiles’ mouth drops.

“So you just knew I’d have sex with you?”

“I didn’t know. I just hoped.”

That smarmy little bastard.

Derek gets back in bed and, finally, removes his briefs and...

Holy mother of god.

Well, maybe not the mother of god. That’s blasphemous as fuck. But! The sentiment is the same because wow. Stiles is glad he didn’t knee him in the dick because that dick is too gorgeous to cause serious injury to. He’s not like porn star big, but it is big and long too. And it’s uncut, which Stiles has a weird sort of kink about. He loves uncut cocks. Yeah, that’s a good-looking cock right there.

Derek unwraps the condom and rolls it onto his cock. He then grabs the bottle of lube that he placed on the bed and squirts more out before slathering a generous amount onto said cock. He makes Stiles move his hands before replacing them with one of his own, the other is at the base of his cock, lining it up to Stiles’ hole.

“You ready baby?” Derek asks.

“Call me baby again and I’ll dropkick you in the throa- oh fuck.”

Of course, Derek chose when Stiles was mid-threat to start pushing his cock inside. Geez, that is seriously a big cock, even the fingering didn’t make it burn any less. Derek gently pushes his cock in deeper before pulling it out, then he pushes it in a little deeper than he did at first before pulling it back out again. He repeats that until his cock is seated all the way inside, his balls to Stiles’ ass. Then he stops and waits. There’s sweat gathering above Derek’s eyebrow and some is even rolling down his temple. Needless to say, Derek isn’t as unaffected as he’s trying to be. Which makes Stiles feel kind of great actually.

“Okay, you can move now,” Stiles informs Derek. And when Stiles says Derek goes to town, he really means that.

Derek puts his other hand behind Stiles’ left knee and pulls out all the way, not even the tip is inside, before thrusting back in. Hard.

Stiles’ breath gets forced out of him at the movement. This truly is hate sex, kinda. Derek said he didn’t hate Stiles, but he certainly doesn’t like him all that much. At least, not yet. Who knows what will stem from this. That’s something to think about when Derek isn’t pounding him into the mattress.

Derek delivers a thrust that nails Stiles’ prostate dead on and Stiles makes this super embarrassing sound, like a high-pitched keen. He knows he’s not going to live that down after this.

After that, Derek is consistent with the hard abuse on Stiles’ prostate, and Stiles is getting close to orgasm embarrassingly fast. He isn’t too sure he’ll be able to last much longer. Although, Derek doesn’t seem like he’s going to be able to either. If the grunts and groans he’s letting out are anything to go by.

“Unh, fuck. Derek-!”

“Yeah, you’re gonna come?”

Stiles frantically nods his head and grabs his own cock to start stroking himself. Derek thrusts harder if that’s even possible, and within a few seconds, Stiles is coming all over his stomach.

“Fuck, Stiles,” Derek groans and thrusts one, two, three more times before stopping with a deep, guttural moan. He almost sounds like an actual bear and Stiles can’t help the giggle that escapes him.

Derek gives him a weird look but his lip quirks up in a maybe sort of smile. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh nothing,” Stiles gives him a shit-eating grin.

And since it’s already been established that Derek is an asshole, he grinds and his cock brushes against Stiles’ oversensitive prostate causing Stiles’ whole body to convulse. He slaps Derek’s arm.

Derek pulls out and lets go of Stiles’ legs. They’re sore from being in the same position for so long but Stiles can’t even care. He’s sated and all he wants to do now is take a nap. Stiles stretches his whole body like a cat while Derek disposes of the condom.

“Okay, that was fun. If you want to annoy me, I’ll be in my room.” And with that, Derek walks out of Stiles’ room to go to his own.

Derek was definitely a dick, but Stiles could deal with him. Especially if they continue to fuck like that.

Holy (not) mother of god indeed.

[skyfcx]

they tricked me. they tricked me like brendan dassey in making a murderer. from knuckles!

Content! Come get’cher content! || Prompt

     “Woah... hey now! Look, you’re not the first t’fall for a dirty ploy like that one and I guarantee y’won’t be the last. The way they’re allowed to get away with this highway robbery is criminal, I say. Criminal!”

     The world could be cruel and uncaring when it desired to be. For every heartful soul looking to brighten another’s day, there was a malicious personality looking to turn soil said day for some semblance of personal profit. Sad as it may be, greed was able to manifest anywhere, it was fact to call it a universal constant. Anywhere you went, its traces could be felt for miles.

     Nowhere was this fact more prevalent than at the Emerald Coast summertime boardwalk, the savages. Gaze outward on the countless attractions: marked up ice cream bars and bottles of water to prey on the hot and muggy public, bodies swamped with sweat during their voyages for merriment underneath the beating sun. Such is what they are promised in the apparel shops, their walls lined with nostalgia-exploiting collectables and memorabilia abound, each fridge magnet and or branded T-shirt crafted by pit fiends both high and low. 

     And... worst of all... the dreaded claw machine. The stealer of coins, rings, and dollars alike, the twinkling lure of plushies enough to hook in any soul in with the temptation of an adorable toy to take home. After all, who could deny the appeal of Chao that squeak when squeezed?! All that and more for performing a task that couldn’t be any simpler! You guide the claw above the toy you seek, press the button, and a prize should have been won! 

     Yet time and time again would you falter and fail on this childish of missions, the cusp of victory more and more tantalizing every time the grip faltered and sent your rightful prize back into the pile. It spawned anger, it wounded one’s pride. Creating the perfect tool to pull you back in to spend even more money to repeat, repeat, and repeat some more... Perhaps this time, or this time! Surely this time!

     It was the perfect scheme, a scam that anyone in their right mind could fall for... Sadly, Knuckles was no different, and just like that was he, like many others, used and abused for the sake of monetary gain. 

     A glove fell to Knuckles’ back, hand rubbing comforting circles. “If it makes y’feel any better, the thing is actually literally rigged. Here, look   ” A head nods toward the candy-coated torture device. “Look at how weak the claw strength is. They altered it so that it intentionally doesn’t have enough power to pick up most of the prizes. Not without said prize then falling out after the vibrations of the crane’s stop-and-go motions shakes it free, at least. 

     And there, the big-ticket items? Check out where they’re placed. They’re tucked away in the corners, over where the crane’s track has trouble reaching.”

     ...Hm. A thought, sights dropping to a half-lidded gaze as a scheming grin lined the fox’s face. A plot was being devised, body growing closer to Knuckles as the voice was lowered to a whisper. “Now, I’m not one to typically condone revenge, but I think I can work a bit of my tech-guy magic on this thing so it’ll start playin’ a little more fairly. That is, if you’re in a revenge kinda mood~.”

[chakazard]

The enduring image we have of Lou Reed is that of the ultimate cold, cruel, New York asshole, sunglasses hiding the absence of feeling in his eyes and leather jacket approximating the skin so thick it might as well not be there. But his songs tell a tale of uncertainty, of deep emotions, of an inner identity that is constantly struggling with the outer. Sometimes fitting a bit too well, sometimes never further, and always pinging back to the other extreme when it’s afraid it’s gone too far. His songwriting has had a major effect on generations of people in similar boats, seeking themselves in the reflections of others, forcing on images that never fit quite right no matter how much they are adjusted.

First, take the songs that Nico sings on that brilliant first album. Although none were necessarily written for her, it’s hard not to imagine that Lou allowed her to sing the songs that he had written that resonated with him due to their relationship. Femme Fatale is as much about the insecurity of the fool who falls for the cold allure as it is about the woman herself. All Tomorrow’s Parties is about a costume that the poor girl wears (a clown, like the other character in Femme Fatale), in a vain attempt to stave off sorrow. And the amazing I’ll Be Your Mirror, shows two characters entwined. Nico is singing Lou’s words and displacing him as the face of his art. In this song he projects his insecurity on the other, and promises to prop her up. This is the infinite reflection of humanity. This is describing your pain as someone else’s. This is a song of self reflection wrapped up as a love song. Is it the mirror or the reflection, and which are you? It’s trying to find a way to love yourself by loving someone else more and hoping that bounces back to you like the sun light bouncing off the moon. But of course that fails as well, because that displaced care never does bounce back. And the relationship is spoiled, Lou resents Nico for taking his songs, Nico resents Lou for his jealousy, Nico leaves him for John Cale and Lou sees like he’s taken this artsy weirdo persona as far as it's going to go and pings in the opposite direction, swimming straight into the arms of sweet old hard and dirty rock and roll.

Lou Reed was a master of burying his feelings under something or someone else so he’d always have the plausible deniability necessary to remain cool. To remain outside. Just observing, man. Just telling you how fucked you are, man. Look at Heroin. Here’s the secret, which isn’t much of one if you’ve been reading. The song ain’t about drugs. That’s just a nice drone to get the receptors in your brain and skin tuned in so either you miss the point completely or you get absolutely hit over the head with it. It’s about isolation (away from the big city/where a man cannot be free), it’s about not being able to accept who you are (i wish that i was born a thousand years ago), it’s about trying to escape the disgust of being an empathic person in a world that just keeps breaking everyone but you can’t let anyone know so you dress it up in a costume just like Thursday’s girl. Just like Lou.

The brilliant device of the “Somebody Says” songs. You don’t think “Candy Says” was a vehicle for Lou Reed to explore his relationship with his own body and gender? You don’t think “Lisa Says” is another exploration of Lou’s insecurity? You don’t think “Stephanie Says” is about Lou feeling again rejected and isolated and that it is either caused by his Alaskan iciness, or results from it, or both to the point that s/he’s stuck between worlds? The song itself gets recycled from Stephanie into Caroline, with added weight and age that slow it down. But identities were meant to be recycled.

I don’t know maybe I’m projecting myself onto Lou too much here. But there’s so much in the songs it’s hard not to. Sterling Morrison couldn’t play on Pale Blue Eyes because of the overwhelming personal emotion. Even though the girl’s eyes weren’t blue. It’s another, trivial deflection that still puts the space between the truth of the situation and the art. Or maybe, i don’t know man, it just sounds better. Rock n’ roll is about sound as much as anything else. If it were just about the words we’d call it literature and then we’d all be in trouble. Imagine having to study this shit in school? What a drag.

The Lou Reed persona in the Velvet Underground ended up being just that, armor that anyone could slide into, or at least Doug Yule did when Lou pinged right out of the rock’n’roll world altogether and got a nondescript office job after leaving the band. One of my favorite stories of rock lore is Bowie going to see the Velvets and gushing over getting to meet Lou, only it’s not Lou it’s Doug. Lou just shed his skin enough intact for someone else to put it on. Because it’s the weight he just couldn’t take anymore. Any identity becomes a weight when it stops ringing true and it’s more about the expectation of the costume than it is about the person and their feelings. And when you can’t even let on that you have feelings in the first place it’s all going to be too much.

To touch on two of Lou’s descendants before I wrap it up.

Michael Stipe, intentionally or not, inherited the trick of hiding your psychological self-examination in songs that are dressed up as if they’re about someone else. Be Mine is so akin to I’ll Be Your Mirror, it’s trying to be a love song, but the narrator can’t escape their own reflection and almost every line has an I, not a you. Crush With Eyeliner uses an object of affection as an excuse to play with one’s own identity without having to admit you’re actually trying to be sincere and find yourself. You’d expect a love song to be called At Your Most Beautiful. Stipe writes At My Most Beautiful. So many examples. Seeking yourself in the light of another and never getting there because you’re not looking directly on.

Ezra Furman titles the first chapter of their book on Lou Reed’s Transformer “Fuck You Leave Me Alone Don’t Read My Book.” A similar sentiment to her song “Come Here, Get Away From Me.” They’re Lisa, craving affection but looking down on anyone who would give it to her. She’s Stephanie, losing everyone because she’s cold and distant or being cold and distant because everyone left. Ezra says “One of the things Lou Reed and I have in common is an eagerness to look to others for behavioral guidelines...You’re hiding your real self- or...don’t know if you even have a real self--so you become purely a reaction to other people.” And goes on to quote Lou “When I’m not (writing) I’m just kind of empty, I don’t have a personality of my own, I just pick up other people’s personalities.” And I felt that too.

I don’t know who I am underneath everything. Like Courtney Barnett “I take pieces of myself from everyone around me/I’m not individual enough for you.” Maybe in these songs I can find something I can hang my skin on and examine it enough until I know who’s underneath. Or maybe they’re just rock ‘n roll. I don’t know myself but I hear that can save a life. And you know it was all right.

[sapphicwhxre]

tiny pansy rant, cut short so it’s *hopefully* not too long:

i. wanted. to. see. her. change! and in my opinion the reason she never got the chance was because jkr used her character to make fun of people she disliked :/

pretty much all the other noteable slytherins had some sort of redemption arc,, and yeah they’re still mostly problematic people but they got chances: snape, draco, narcissa, regulus, slughorn, leta and technically andromeda? you get the point i just—

like miss ma’am decided to make pansy,, the like slytherin stereotype? and have her want to betray harry? she was seventeen ffs, not bellatrix lestrange. she was in the middle of a war? in my personal opinion i don’t think that she wanted to hand harry over out of cruelty like. it’s possible? but maybe she was just scared? also don’t we know that pansy was terrified at the thought of like. voldemort coming to hogwarts? again: everyone expects all of the children in harry potter to be these selfless brave individuals,, they’re kids :( yes ik it’s ya fantasy but cmon. they were supposed to be stressed about the N.E.W.T exams not the upheaval of their society?

and don’t get me wrong i know that she was. not a good person. she was a bitchy teenage bully who was taught hateful views. but i wanted to see her change even a little– even draco marries someone who presumably teaches him how to treat people equally? like. there was so much room for change: she was a prefect, she was capable of some kindness seeing as she liked draco, or alternatively, we could’ve seen her break away from draco and potentially stop hating harry/all his friends quite so much or develop her own opinions. or maybe her group of friends that she used for validation throughout her school years was uprooted during the war and she had to learn that independency? or her pointing out harry could’ve been turned into trying to be selfless, like she thought they’d be safe that way, or she returned later fighting with reinforcements to show she was on Hogwarts’ side. jkr is always like "well they technically came back to fight, if you squint » but that’s not enough. also? let’s say we did get a glimpse of her during the actual battle: there could’ve been anything, the smallest scene, that showed some sort of support or reconciliation or something between her and hermione, considering how hermione was often pansy’s target. everybody wants to see forgiveness between draco and harry because of minor events/details (i dislike drarry but that’s besides the point), but imagine what could’ve changed with some semblance of apology or assistance from pansy to hermione. there were so many chances for r*wling to give her a smallest redemption

but instead we got her characterized as evil and a stupid, cowardly traitor. she the only person we ever see her care for marries her friends younger sister. she’s the written depiction of jkr’s bitterness and her arc is jkr’s vengeance.

also, another reason that i’m so mad she got nothing is because of the whole slytherin=evil thing. she’s made into a stereotype of a “slytherin”— cruel, selfish, shallow, ugly, and asinine. (also i could rant about slytherin forever, but can we just mention that jkr consistently refers to slytherins as physically ugly and just how fucked up that is? i– wtf). but anyway: to give pansy a chance to change is to give the slytherin house a chance to change its reputation. trying to justify that the slytherin house got its redemption because of the actions of ppl like snape or regulus, etc isn’t possible. because all of those “slytherin heroes” were described again and again as being “different from all the other slytherins”. they set themselves apart by being decent. they weren’t normal slytherins, no, they were set apart, they were brave and smart and kind— not evil. there’s no redemption to be found there. i wish jkr would just fucking say that being sorted into slytherin was being made into a villain. she dodged around it with rhetorical questions and pointing out how not All of them are bad,, and then will go on to mock the other slytherins and talk about how the heroes were Not Like The Other Snakes... again: there’s no redemption of slytherin as a house, as a quality, as a concept there. it’s just the redemption of an individual.

in pansy, however, we could’ve found so much more. like i said, she’s The Average Slytherin: not a hero, not a villain like voldemort. she’s made out to be a depiction of the typical slytherin student, one without a “destiny”, so to speak. and so to give her the chance, to see her change, to have her redefine herself? that would be a starting point for restoring slytherin as a whole (obviously not the best way, and the real best thing to do would be not to make an entire house be the bad guys in the first place, but–) to have someone who’s the figurehead of slytherin (like actually a figurehead,, girl is a even a prefect) show remorse and growth gives the entire house the seed of redemption. it would mean that after over a thousand years there could be peace between the houses. obviously not the only factor in reconciliation but still so important.

and not to just continue to heap on my own issues with it, but look. i know that there are so many other ways to introduce “mundane” antagonists without making them a symbol of anything. pansy could’ve been a bitch without representing slytherin. also pansy doesn’t have to break character and become kind for amends to be made. they don’t even have to be fully made, just started. but jkr chose to:

a.) go with bullying as a minor antagonistic element

b.) create and develop a character around that theme

c.) make this character only based on her own negative personal experiences

d.) turn that character into a representation of a much larger group of people

e.) deny that character any final moment that could begin to make amends for her actions and instead, chooses to make her “defining” moment an act of evil and cowardice

f.) either neglects the character or chooses plot points that would humiliate the character in all the glimpses of the future we are shown (ex. how dracos marriage is)

g.) openly mocks and insults the character repeatedly and never directly comes out and proves she didn’t write slytherins as evil

h.) to the best of my knowledge, ignores that pansy personifing slytherin, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and then characterizing both as “bad” and not giving them a chance to grow, is a summary of her thoughts on slytherin ls and is a possible interpretation of the text (i mean her opinions are already TRASH)

i. ignores the consequences of this or the possible effect it has on her entire fanbase and doesn’t seek to remedy it

but yeah, jkr, it was such a good idea to base a character off of your loathesone memories, take your anger out on her, and that choose to have that character partially represent a large percentage of your fanbase. thank you sooooo much. i really appreciate it!

summary:

I. Pansy— deserved an opportunity to have some character development. everyone else’s mistakes get overlooked to some degree save hers. had so many places to draw inspiration/opportunity from. could’ve progressed other ideas in the book and the analysis of her house while still remaining a “dislikable” character

II. Writing— from a “technical?” aspect, Pansy is underdeveloped and stagnant, used for personal reasons instead of as a plot device. perpetuates the slytherin=bad idea via a sloppy and repetitive characterization and emblem. there are ways around this that weren’t used.

III. I have no qualifications to be saying any of this lmao. Am I reading to much into it, knowing that Rowling tends to be shitty with writing details? Am I being dramatic and repetitive? probably!

IV. Fuck JKR (for everything. she’s an awful person)

anyways this has been: my mini-rant on pansy and her analysis,,, and i am terribly sorry,, i offer my apologies in advance for randomly dumping this into your inbox. it’s long and opinionated and there’s no real reason behind it! i just thought of it and then thought about it some more and then. here we are

ilysm mwah <3 should’ve definitely done something more productive but shh😭 rat brain hours

this is everything, you're completely right. i don't have much to add but i agree all the way. and people give pansy so much shit for the harry thing but she seemed genuinely scared of voldemort coming back and i really think that she believed he would leave them alone if they gave him up. from her perspective, it's either her and the people she cares about get to live or this guy that she not only isn't close to but probably sees as the bad guy considering she dated/was best friends with draco and witnessed their rivalry from his side. did she make the best decisions? no, not at all but i see her reasons and i don't think it makes her this antichrist that jkr makes her out to be. she pulled the “he's just a boy” with draco and had people sympathise with him when he did so so much worse than pansy did so why doesn't that apply to her? she's a kid. they all are. i love harry, ron, and hermione SO MUCH but jkr really said fuck everyone who isn't them ─ especially any girl who isn't her precious hermione. she projected her own pettiness onto fictional characters who are CHILDREN and proceeded to get upset when people connected to and loved other people that she herself made. creating such an underdeveloped character and expecting people to hate her just because she imagined her as her bully is beyond immature and ridiculous. anyways. jkr take a fucking chill pill and leave my girl alone.

[atomicblasphemy]

Why I don’t think Amity is looking forward to a date with Luz in the human realm.

There’s a good chance I’ll be alone in this opinion but anyway, I never took tumblr or fandom from a scholarly point so yeah.

Anyway, I agree that the idea of a cute romantic date with Luz in the human realm being a big part of Amity’s motivation in the last episode is objectively adorable. But I have three reasons why that may not be quite the case.

Reason number one, the scoring of the scene. After Amity’s boss leaves and they part their hug of sorts throwing a blush fest, the soundtrack goes to this very mellow (and from my rusty knowledge of music theory, major scale) score while they have that bookworm talk. Then, when Amity says “the human realm sounds odd” there’s also what sounds like a major scale chord right before it cuts to silence as Luz suggests showing her around the human world. And that’s, as she is processing what her soon to be girlfriend just said there’s this high and dissonant chord, most likely minor scale, and i’m almost positive it has the same base note as the previous one. This feels deliberate.

The minor scale is used as a means to convey tension, to unsettle the viewer or listener. Case in point, more upbeat music genres like pop punk or house tending to make a more constant use of the major scale, whereas bleaker genres like post-punk or black metal are heavily based of the minor scale. More over in soundtracks we can point out jaws or psycho’s scores as examples of the use of the minor as a means to either raise tension or to set a scene or movies tone (think psycho’s shower scene, or the moments in jaws’ when the shark is just about to attack). Meanwhile, you can have star wars’ major scale as a means to set the optimistic tone Luke’s hero’s journey starts with (which again, contrasts greatly with its counterpart in the imperial march).

So, back to Lumity, we have this sequence of sounds: Luz all but invites Amity to the human realm, major chord, silence, minor chord, “we’re getting that diary”. There’s a rising action of sorts at play here, as far as I can tell: Luz tries to cheer up Amity (hence the more calming and uplifting major chord), Amity process this newly found connection between herself and the human realm (silence), this troubles Amity for whatever reason (which comes back later, but i’ll get to that) (hence the minor chord).

If Amity’s outlook on this new relation between herself Luz’ homeland was simply that of “holy shit, my crush just asked me out. hell yeah.” the use of the minor scale would be probably the worse to go about doing that. Moreover:

Reason number b:

Mittens’ first face: blank space. Amity.exe ceased all functioning. (this is when the minor chord is played btw.) This first face is the one the fandom latched on to the most, and yeah i get it.

But then things take a turn:

Those are the two other expressions she makes immediately aftewards that more confused one (also, idk what is going on but i can’t screenshot on a full screen for whatever reason).

Now, we are collectively well aware, as a fandom, of the fact that when the human girl’s existence flusters Amity her very white complexion’s tomato like properties are bound to manifest. If anything we could this episode the blushapalooza, and on both ends. But I digress.

My point here is, if it was simply her being excited over the prospect this date in the human realm, there’s no reason why they (the show runners, i.e. the ones responsible for this world’s overarching intentionality)  would turn her into a vegetable once again, I mean, just second prior she was going full on tomato mode. Couple that with that sketchy chord progression and I think it is safe to say our little Mittens is acting a wee odd herself here. If it was just the sound score or just the lack of tomato, then I’d say it was probably just happenstance. Both those things at once fell like a deliberate creative choice. In other words, my guess is that Amity’s weird response here is setting up the tone for some upcoming conflict between the two of them, it is building up to the mid-season finale. (I have my theories as to what that conflict would be but I’ll get to that when I get to that).

Now, reason number gamma. “Being around you makes me do stupid things and I wish it didn’t” “Ever since Luz came here everything’s been so confusing.” Look, I’m not so dumb as to say those words don’t represent Amity coming clean about her feeling for Luz, and I’m not oblivious as to believe the vagueness of these statements is but a poorly veiled attempt on her part of airing those feeling in an as uncompromising fashion as possible. However, that’s the thing about vagueness, you can easily pick up on connotation but not so much on denotation. What I mean is that you can’t really tell what is the entirety of her cause to confusion and what the full set of Luz related stupid things done by Amity really is. And looking back to those second and third sketchy Amity faces and given all I’ve said, my best guess is that those are the faces of someone coming to the sinking realization that “despite my best intentions I may, perhaps, possibly, likely have fucked up big time.” And do I know how good a motivator doing damage control after a big time fuck up can be.

Which brings me finally to what her hang up really is. Those letters. Going by the same “methodology” I’ve been using thus far, here’s how we learn Camilla had been receiving those letters: first we see Amity’s note, “everybody’s doing the wholesome waltz, throw your crush in the air and have a ball”, we see the other half of the note which only says “Luz” (which mind you, is a word that also appears with loads of prominence in the letters). Then a few moments afterwards we see the actual letters, similar handwriting as evidenced by the writing of Luz’s name, and worded as what a misguided and inexperienced kid would imagine a healthy mother and daughter relationship to sound like. Again, those feel extremely deliberate choices on the show’s creators part. Not everything in a show has to be a Tchekov’s gun, but when you draw so much attention to it in such a calculated way it gets tough to argue for it not being so. So yeah, my money is on Amity being the author of the letters and that means she has a deeper knowledge of inter-dimensional postal services than she’s letting on. Either she has access to some sort of device capable of transporting small objects, or a means to create a fac-simile of a  document on the other side, or she has a full blown portal.

I mean, it’s safe to say her feeling towards Luz started getting a tad muddy after the covention, and said confusion kept on progressing until it came to a height with Amity’s conversation with Emira on the last episode. So Emira points out she should embrace the changes brought about by Luz and try to be happy. And that’s what her hairdo change (she explicitly says the past choice was Odalia’s making), and the peck on the cheek symbolize. She’s embracing change, she’s actively pursuing it. I mean, at the end of the day that peck on Luz’s cheek was nothing short of Amity crossing the threshold (even if impulsively) of their relationship, that’s why she doesn’t blush while she’s doing it. She’s being guided purely by Emira’s words there, it is only when the reality of the threshold being crossed and that there’s no coming back to how things were before  that she goes back to tomato while muttering “why did i do that?” So yeah, second thing I wanted to say that Lumity is already cannon, their relationship is now a romantic one, there’s no two ways about it.

AAAnd this is why I thing the letters thing will be the big conflict of the mid-season finale.

Let’s shift perspectives to Luz’s end. So you have this kid, right? This kid that has been, throughout her entire life been given reasons to believe in her own mediocrity, which in turn led her to find solace in fantasy. Then, by an odd turn of cosmic events she is granted a chance to experience said fantasy first hand. However, at first it seems this new world is making chorus to that old one in stating her mediocrity. She doesn’t give in, she perseveres, she proves everything and everyone wrong. From “Eda’s human pet” she turns into “Miss Teacher”, from “Willow’s Abomination thingy” she becomes someone who “sneaks her way into people’s hearts.” She sees everything she wanted, her wildest dreams of both self-accomplishment and love being dangled right in front of her eyes. Yet, in the back of her head there’s this nagging voice screaming at her that reality, and a mother that loves her and misses her are awaiting her. That this happiness. So when Amity crosses the threshold of their relationship, when the person she wants shows her she wants the same thing as her, elation is not the only thing going through her mind and her heart. Being forced to choose between what you want and what you ought to is quite a cruel position to find oneself in.

So this leads up to the mid-season finale, say I’m right, Amity has a portal and she offers it to Luz. In one hand, her girlfriend omitted a very important piece of information from her, which could be seen by her as an argument for her choosing the human realm, thus creating a source of conflict between the two of them (which no, I don’t think it would make them break up, in fact I have 5 reais saying the L word will be dropped by either one of them because of all that, their relationship will come out of all this turmoil stronger than before), moreover, I’m of the opinion that Amity’s motives for writing those letters in the first place would be to do something nice for that confusing entity (by giving her mother some piece of mind) while remaining incognito. Hell, my ideal scenario would beher coming clean to Camilla about impersonating Luz with something along the lines of “Yeah mate, you were expecting Luz but it was I, Amity, all along. Sorry about that. In my defense I have next to no idea what a non dysfunctional family looks like.”

But that’d be only half of it. Creepy Luz is, for all we know, what Luz would perceive as the best version of herself, one that’s capable of making her mother happy. In other words, a figure that highlights further how inadequate she is in the human realm. And she is still confused with everything going on back in the demon realm. Not to mention the possible looming threat to human realm represented by the emperor, about which we thus far have very little to speculate on.

My point is, in conclusion, Luz will need some hugs afterwards. And so will Amity. Fortunately they fulfill eachother’s need in that regard.

Hope this wasn’t complete non-sense, cheers!

[hello-there]

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[charlettebffxiv]

Prompt #17 Destruct

“So, what happens when you can’t keep one?” Maxim stood with his hands on the handle of his rake, the pile of leaves they had been collecting having grown almost as tall as him. Autumn was arriving, and with it the leaves had started to tumble. Willow’s Heart, like most Gridanian-esque villages, was lined with trees all throughout the winding roads and flanking forest. Which meant, plenty of mulch to be found for the Greenhouse, and other projects, and lots and lots of leaves, seeds and nuts to trip, slip and fall into. Charlette had just finished raking a fine mess of them up to the second mountain they had built so far, looking up at Maxim as she wrestled it along. “What? You mean an aberration? Depends on what kind, really. They come in different forms. Enchanted items, crystals, magitek devices, aberrant creatures, ‘afflicted’ or ‘affected’ people.” One of Maxim’s white-blond eyebrows lifted, you could barely see it was there against his pale skin. “What’s the difference between ‘afflicted’ and ‘affected?” turning her rake over, and using it to scoop up the leaves, Charlette dumped them atop the pile, watching plenty scatter back down anyway. “It is simple, really. One is always a victim, the other’s condition was intentional.” Maxim walked around their autumn monument, cleaning up the edges, every leaf swept into it. Neat, orderly, Charlette approved of his technique. “So, like, if someone experimented on me and gave me, say, webbed feet and fingers against my will? That’s afflicted?” Charlette nodded “And if you intentionally experimented with forbidden magics to give yourself webbed fingers and toes, you would be affected. Not the words I would have chosen, but I didn’t write the manuals.”

“Alright, well then, what happens with all of those, if you can’t keep it? Say it’s just too dangerous, like it explodes if you sneeze too close to it.” Bobocufu’s Apprentice Botanist Dylan had pulled his chocobo cart round to their side, and the both of them were hauling their collection into the back of it as they spoke. Pitch forks swung back and forth, their rhythm quite in-sync. Their words were a little wheezy from the effort. “Well, enhanced items can sometimes be destroyed on sight. That is a common one when the item is too big, or too dangerous to transport. They teach a few useful techniques for it, depending on your team composition and specialty. Guardians, like me, learn how to neutralize aether in small areas, but with time and chance, we can completely neutralize an object. Revert it back to being just a bowl or knife or whatever it is. Same with crystals.'' Their work was finished quickly, Charlette and Maxim waving to Dylan as he nudged the chocobo into action and took away a twelvemoon’s supply of mulch. “And if you don’t have a Guardian? What then?” Charlette was not sure if she should be telling Maxim this, then again he is a Willow’s Heart native. Born and bred here. His family must know nearly everything by now, might as well help him along. “If you are an Arcanist of the Order, you may know a similar technique as Guardians, but more concentrated. Usually disposal falls to the Arcanists, so they are the most prepared for it. If this fails though, there is always option number two: destroy it.” Now Maxim was focused, the man having a somewhat worrying delight towards explosives and anything else capable of creating fire. “Arcanists can manage magic strong enough to melt metal, turn entire houses into ashes, burn trees to the ground, freeze constructs and shatter them to pieces. There is a wealth of options for them. If you are a trained Agent of the Order, you generally will know how to make some explosives. A large bomb is an effective ‘neutralizing’ method as well.” Maxim nodded, like he was agreeing with Charlette. She supposed this was a subject that at least he could be about as correct as she would. “What about creatures and people?” It was here that Charlette went quiet, just packing away their tools into their own cart. Hauling herself up into the driver’s seat, Maxim sitting next to her and taking the reins and getting the bo moving. Seems he was patient this sun. The cart trundled down the road, leaves shivering about in the back. Maxim finally turned to Charlette, nudging her with his elbow “Well? That’s long enough. Give up the gory details, do you have giant mouse traps for oversized, aberrant rodents?” That thought was a little horrifying “No, though that would be funny, and horrible. Can you imagine the clean-up for such a thing? Ugh.” She gave a short shiver. Maxim having evoked some all too similar memories of missions passed “With creatures it can sometimes be much the same, though if you use any kind of neutralizing techniques that involve stopping or removing their aether, they generally die. And it is not a pleasant thing to witness or inflict on anything living. It is slow, and they panic, slowly get more and more tired and weaker, they stop trying to run after a little while. Then they just lay down, and die.” Maxim’s brows had furrowed, and his mouth was in a comically deep frown, creasing his cheeks and chin. “That’s grim Charlette, you’ve ruined my good mood.” She rolled her eyes. “Well, then you should not have asked. I find I prefer a bomb, or pyrotechnics that do not waste time and get it over with immediately, but it is not always an option. Aberrations can be incredibly resistant, by design or by adaptation. Sometimes taking the aether is the only way you can harm them. The hardest part is simply that it is not their fault. Never, not when it is a beastkin, or vilekin, or any kin that is not, well us.” Her driving companion needed a little moment to think that through. The differences between their experiences showing a little in his moment of thought. His life in the village and surrounding forest was not devoid of violence, but certainly lacked in the kind Charlette had seen, and had to be a part of. Cruel pragmatism in the face of Conservationist Optimism. It was a strange pairing. “I suppose I can get it. Nature is cruel like that too, sometimes. There’s usually a sense to it though, a reason but without a selfish designer, you know? No insane Arcanist, or deranged Thaumaturge behind it all. No corrupt Conjurer or tempered Mage. Just The Shroud, the forest, keeping itself as it is.” Charlette’s shoulder bumped into his, but not from the sway of the cart. “You sound morose Maxim. Let’s talk about something else.” He looked at her and shook his head “Nah, I’m fine. Just one more thing to go anyway, what happens with the people?” She was hoping to avoid this one. Their arrival at the Greenhouse gave her a precious moment of distraction as they prepared to unload. Leaves hauled into the compost, Chocobo released from the cart and walked back to the stables and their tools set in the shed. Both of them pulled off their overalls and scrubbed the dirt from their arms and faces at the water trough. “People are the hardest part.” Maxim was tying back his long, now slightly damp hair into the tail he usually wore it in, Charlette’s words catching him with a little surprise “What? Oh, yeah. I mean, I thought they would be. Stuff is just stuff, and I guess we’ve all seen animals getting the short end of the stick at some point. What makes it so hard?” Charlette knelt over the trough, running her arm under the tap as water poured out, scrubbing from wrist to shoulder. “That it is never obvious what you need to do. If they are too dangerous to allow to be free, but can be contained, they are. Usually by local authorities if they are capable of doing so, or by us if it is an extreme case. No, I’m not telling you where or how.” That was an actual secret, and she also didn’t think he was ready to know about the stasis process. Few people are, she wasn't when she learned how to do it. “But if they are too dangerous to be contained, or allowed free again, and if they do not self-destruct in the encounter. Well, we kill them. In much the same way as the creatures.” Maxim was moving a little slower now, his thoughts taking precedence on his focus “That’s rather harsh, don’t you think? Afflicted and affected alike?” Charlette nodded, finally more or less clean, and pulled her shirt over her head. “There’s generally no choice when it comes down to that, they often force our hand, whether they meant to or not. It just needs to be done, despite it being a desperately unfortunate situation, it needs to happen. So we do it.” She turned around, her top needing a few laces tied at the back, which Maxim attends to easily. He’s quite nimble with his long fingers. “I’m sorry you have to.” “I am not. It’s a good purpose to have.” “So is Botany, you know. Making life, and you still get to end some if that’s all you’re after.” Once finished he pats her on the shoulder, both of them looking a sight better than before. She does need to wipe a soil stain from Maxim’s nose though, which she does so with spit and a hard rub of her thumb, to his annoyance. “I know. It is partly why I am not rushing them about the hearing. I have… rather enjoyed helping things live, instead of destroying them, for a change.” He was still wiping at his nose with a sleeve, making it look extra red against his pallor. “Yeah, well, you’re welcome to hang around as long as you want. I’m gonna miss you when you’re back to murdering for the good of us all.” “Please don’t call it that.” “Sorry. Fixing things? Sounds a bit better. Like you’re an engineer.” he winked, Charlette gave him what he wanted and rolled her eyes again, with a big sigh, then started walking back home. Maxim ran to catch-up with her. She liked that though, being a ‘fixer’. She had never thought of it that way, and you know what? It helped, with that sadness that hangs around it all.

[anguyen06]

WGST Blog Post #4 (due 09/16)

How has the programming of search algorithms affected certain groups?

“Algorithmic oppression,” as Noble uses, is one of the ways how search algorithms can have a negative impact on certain groups. The reading mentions examples of algorithmic oppression by sharing that when searching up black women, Latinas, and Asians, the searches would be paired with pornographic material or sexual references (Nobles, 2018). The problem with these associations is not only the blatant sexism, but the stereotyping that will occur as a result of these associations. An example of the type of stereotyping that occurred as a result of these algorithms is associating Asian women as submissive. These algorithms have a direct and indirect effect on these groups, which, in this case, are women of color.

Names can be seen to be sacred and important to many cultures. (But) How has “unique” or family names affected individuals in the United States?

In a few Asian countries, names can be seen to be sacred according to their family clan and/or background. In the United States, however, names are often chosen by aesthetic or by common names. The differences in cultures and emphasis of names creates a barrier between these people. Foreigners or people of color with unique spelling/pronunciations have the risk of being labeled “weird” or “exotic”. Many European descendants might discriminate against African American names, such as “Unneq”, or Asians, with its difficult pronunciation, by intentionally pronouncing the name wrong. In most cases, it has led to stereotyping or ridiculing of the name. Though having an “exotic” name is not nearly as cruel as having a “weird” name, the negative connotation of that label insinuates that having an uncommon name is not normal. One other negative aspect of having a recognizable or family name is the possibility of being racially profiled. In the article, “depending on one’s name, one is more likely to be detained by state actors in the name of ‘public safety’” (Benjamin, 2019). This means that certain names are marked or have a high possibility of being marked as a potential threat just for having similar names. Even with no association to marked groups or any gang members, some individuals may be marked or associated with these groups because of their name.

What are the advantages of being digitally close to other nations?

Digital media and applications may have its problems and issues but one of the great things that came out of having this advanced tool is the ability to connect with other individuals across the world. In the words of “The Revolution will be Digitized” reading, “National borders increasingly disappear in cyberspace, they are replaced by new kinship structures now predicated on the fluidity of cybernetic virtual communities and homelands” (Everett, 2002). What would have taken a few days to travel to be able to talk to family members or meet with someone can now be accessed through cyberspace, the internet, or wireless connection. Digital applications and technology have given people the ability to connect with one another in more convenient ways, domestically and internationally. Instead of diplomatic figures traveling thousands of miles to make appearances, it is now possible to do it in the comfortability and convenience of their own country, if they wish to do so.

Is there a possibility of another technological revolution coming in the near future?

The title of the Everett reading, “The Revolution Will Be Digitized” talks about an earlier period of time where technology was just beginning to be developed. Now, it raises the question of whether there will be another technological revolution coming. With how much technology has advanced in the past century, it is difficult to imagine society without another technological revolution. Artificial intelligence, or devices that have artificial intelligence capabilities, that can process information and perform tasks faster than a human are being developed and are planned on making it more accessible to the general public. For example, Alexa is a device with artificial intelligence capabilities that is able to answer questions being asked within milliseconds or turn on house-hold appliances or electrical appliances (room lights or the television). The concept of self-driving cars is becoming a reality. Tesla, the fully-electric car company, have slowly started to release their product to be fully autonomous and hands-free. The security of facial recognition is becoming advanced enough to be able to make purchases for the user. The only technology left to develop that will truly kickstart another technological revolution are flying cars.

Benjamin, R. (2019). Race after Technology: Abolitionist Tools for the New Jim Code. Social Forces, 98(4), 1-3. doi.org/10.1093/sf/soz162

Everett, A. (2002). The Revolution Will Be Digitized. Social Text, 20(2), 125-146. doi.org/10.1215/01642472-20-2_71-125

Noble, S.U. (2018). Algorithms of Oppressions. doi.org/10.2307/j.ctt1pwt9w5

[sharinluna]

Lucien Unspoken Words Date Translation with Commentary

I decided that the title of this date is “Unspoken words date” but it’s more like “words that you want to say but cannot say” Date.

This date happens between chapter 21 and 22. I strongly recommend reading this date before the new chapters are updated because I think the content of this date is semi main story. Also, this date has references to chapter 13 and chapter 16.

This time, I implemented commentaries in-between dates. Tell me if you like them or hate them.

I used Yōurán as MC’s name.

______________________________

In a dark laboratory, the computer monitor flashed a blue screen and the file folder named “memory” was empty. The dream recording device was broken and all data have disappeared without a trace.

A gleam of light flashed in Lucien’s dark eyes. He rebooted the device and quickly typed some words. A map of the city popped out. A red dot appeared in the old address of closed Ultima Bioresearch Institute.

Lucien: Found it.

(In chapter 16 we learn that if people leave Lucien’s dream world, they lose all memory of what happened in that dream. That’s why Yōurán forgot the latter parts of chapter 16. But Lucien has a device to record the lost memories so he could later retrieve them. At this stage I think Lucien figured out that he had memories with Yōurán in a different universe(chapter 1-18 world) and tried to use this device to see them. But any clues that could lead to memories of Yōurán are cut off. Like in chapter 20 when Yōurán found out that the pictures she took with Kiki vanished from her phone.)

____________________________________

I stood at the front of the deserted Institute building and bit my lips.

I couldn’t believe that I had managed to escape from Ares’s grasp the last time I came here, but my sore body reminded me of what I did.

Lucien: Queen, by itself, is the height of natural evolution. If humans are the product of nature’s creation, Queen is a creation that ‘cannot exist.’

Lucien’s words from that day kept coming back to me, and how his eyes looked so deep and cold as he said that.

So I decided to take a risk. I intentionally leaked the information on the internet that a confidential file concerning people with special genes was discovered in the old buildings of Ultima Bioresearch.

Now, I was at the door of the research building. I took a deep breath.

Yōurán: He has to come, right? He knows what I am…

As I said to myself I opened the door, but before I could step in someone pulled me inside with an ice-like grip. The door slammed shut.

It was too dark to see who had dragged me in. But from the way they grabbed my wrists so tight I could tell they were not friendly. I instinctively tried to kick and fight my way out.

??: Hold still.

Yōurán: …Lucien? Is that you?

I didn’t know if I felt afraid, or something else when I heard his voice. Lucien soon let go of my wrists.

He was wearing black and standing in the darkness. Like the last time I met him here, I could feel coldness that made me hesitant to reach him.

Lucien: You…

Yōurán: I suppose you want to know why I came here, right?

Lucien smiled at my interruption, as if he was amused that I had seen him through.

Lucien: I will gladly hear your explanation.

Yōurán: I…

came here because I missed you.

Reason kept me from saying what I really wanted to say.

Yōurán: I want to know why you’re here.

Lucien smiled coldly.

Lucien: Maybe letting you go free last time was a mistake.

As he said that, he slowly went closer to me.

Yōurán: I’m the one who leaked that information in the internet. Your coming here was my doing!

Lucien: That was you? Why would you do that?

Yōurán: Because I want to know what it means to be Queen in this world.

I looked at Lucien pointedly. His eyes seemed to hold mockery and contempt. Did he think that I was being ridiculous? I knew that I should get used to him looking at me like that, but it still hurt so much…

I stepped closer to him and met his gaze squarely.

Yōurán: I want to find out the truth, no matter how many hardships I have to go through.

This is not the first time I said this to you, Lucien. Don’t you remember?

(She’s talking about chapter 13)

Lucien: Do you think you can face the truth, even when it will hurt you mortally

His words brought back memories from a long time ago.

Lucien: And what if the truth shakes your entire being and tears you apart? Will you still choose the truth?

Yōurán: To face the truth, one must also face pain and suffering. I will not run away from them. Someone very important to me taught me that. And he told me he would accompany me along the way.

(In chapter 13, Lucien gave her two choices. To live a safe, tranquil life being protected and not knowing the truth, or to seek out the truth no matter how cruel it would be. Yōurán chose the truth and he said he would accompany her until the end - the reveal of him being Ares.)

I looked at Lucien as I said that. I wanted to know how he would react but also, was afraid of what he would say.

Something flashed in his eyes, but soon his gaze returned to the usual coldness.

Lucien: Only a fool would believe those words. He was deceiving himself and you by saying that.

I felt like something snapped in two in my heart.

Yōurán: You’re wrong. At least… at the time he said that, he wanted to be with me.

Lucien: Do you believe that?

Yōurán: I’ve had doubts, but I still believe him.

Lucien silently looked at me like he was amazed. After a short silence he laughed quietly.

Lucien: You are more impressive than I thought. It seems that I have underestimated you, Queen.

From the window I could see snow falling in the sunset. The wind from outside became colder and I shivered. Lucien didn’t miss my tiny movement and he wordlessly went to the window to block out the chill wind.

Lucien: I don’t want my enemy to fall down because she catches a cold. We are still contemplating the idea of cooperating with you.

Yōurán: Don’t worry. I will not fall down.

I glanced sideways at the wall. It seemed as if some sixth sense was telling me to look there. The wall was filled with grime and dust showing how old this building was.

Something was not right…

Lucien: This is from the Corinthians. It means that the truth is projected into the hearts of men through a glass lens. It’s distorted, blurry, and one-dimensional.

I suddenly felt dizzy. What happened to the words written on the wall? How could they disappear without a trace?

Yōurán: There used to be some writing on this wall here, remember? We saw it together the last time we came here!

A little bit excited, I tugged at Lucien’s sleeves. He didn’t push me away, but he didn’t answer me either. His emotionless eyes told me that he had no idea what I was talking about.

Yōurán: I… I mean…

I immediately pulled my hand away from him.

Lucien: What was it then? You said that there used to be some writing here. What was it?

Yōurán: “Through a glass darkly.”

I whispered the words. My head started to hurt. Lucien stared hard at the empty wall and then frowned.

Lucien: It’s a bible verse, nothing special. Except…

Yōurán: Did you remember something?

Lucien: If that verse really used to be here, who wrote that on this wall? Or what I really want to know is…

Lucien hesitated and his eyes looking at me became more intense.

Lucien: Why did you say that we saw it together “the last time we’ve been here”? Our only meeting in this building happened only a few days ago. Shall I remind you what happened at that day?

(It’s interesting that Yōurán thinks of chapter 13 while Lucien thinks of strangling her in chapter 21. This Lucien is not the Lucien from chapter 1-18.)

Lucien approached me briskly and I stepped back. My back reached the hard wall and there was nowhere for me to escape. His eyes turned sinister, like he was about to hunt a feeble prey.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him. But I doubted that it would work. After a short hesitation, I finally opened my mouth.

Yōurán: I told you. I have someone who’s very important to me. I came here with that person.

Lucien seemed unsatisfied with my evading answer and he continued to look at me with displeasure.

Yōurán: You look quite a lot like him, so for a second, I… mistook you for him.

I pretended to be calm as I said that, but my heart kept beating wildly.

Lucien froze for a moment, then his eyes flashed like a sharp knife. He closed the distance between us and grabbed my wrist tightly. I jerked my hand away, but he only grabbed it tighter.

For a few seconds we confronted each other like that, both sides unwilling to back off.

Yōurán: Are you angry?

Suddenly, his hands gripping my wrist loosened.

Lucien: Why would I be angry at you?

His expression told me that he was being sincere. He really seemed to be puzzled at his reaction.

(omg I like this part. Lucien was feeling jealous of the other Lucien! And he doesn’t know that what he’s feeling is jealousy!)

Yōurán: If you’re not, then fine. I don’t want to create any misunderstandings. Right now, we are not even in a cooperative relationship.

Lucien: I agree. Where is the dream experiment data?

Yōurán: I’m sorry?

Suddenly, a blinding white light impaired our visions. I saw traces of tension in Lucien’s frown.

Lucien: Wait here.

Lucien went outside and stood still in the snow.

His face turned menacing as he stared at the unwelcome guest approaching. I watched them hiding by the window. He was facing a few people. One of them had grisly scars on his face.

A white barrier surrounded them, and I could hear Lucien’s voice.

Lucien: It’s you.

??: Long time no see, Ares.

They were from Black Swan. Did they come here because of the information I leaked? Would Lucien be in danger? Fear swept over me and I tiptoed to the front door to get a closer look.

Hades: You beat me to it. Once again, you showed that you are not to be underestimated. If we could work together…

Lucien; Don’t be absurd. I already turned down your offer and I have no intention of changing my mind.

(Poor Hades. He was rejected by Ares in chapter 16 and he’s being rejected here too.)

I couldn’t see Lucien’s face but his voice sounded extremely menacing. The face of the other man became sour and his false smile hardened.

Hades: Then let’s get down to business. Do you have the special genetics file?

Lucien’s answer seemed to enrage him even more.

Hades: Let’s not be too difficult here. Ares, you’re a smart person. You gotta know that my goals and your goals are not entirely contradictory.

Lucien: So?

Hades: Hand me the data, or cooperate with me.

Lucien: Do you think you are in a position to bargain with me?

Hades: If not, I have no choice but to get rid of you.

He raised his hand and suddenly a swirl of snowstorm swarmed over Lucien. Lucien stood still and waved his right hand. Ice pillars came out from the ground and shattered the snowy attack.

Hades: Exceptional work, Ares. But this is not over yet.

His face with the heinous scar reflected in the moonlight and became etched to my vision. Suddenly, I felt a gigantic shock in my head and everything became dark.

Falling down into abyss, scent of blood, Lucien whispering in my ear…

Lucien: Silly girl…. I didn’t lie to you… I will not sacrifice someone important to me.

His broken words poured into my head. I felt like I was suffocating.

(She finally recovered her lost memories from chapter 16)

In the distance I heard a gunshot and I came back to reality.

Yōurán: Lucien…

I opened the door and ran outside. Lucien must have heard me since he turned around to face me.

As he saw me running toward him I saw in his eyes surprise, wrath and a fleeting glimpse of intense ecstasy.

Yōurán: Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Lucien shoved my hand away.

Lucien: I’m fine. You ignored my warnings as always.

Yōurán: I followed my instinct and it brought me here. Someone taught me to trust my instincts when there’s danger.

The corner of his mouth went up a little bit.

Lucien: Tell him he’s wrong.

(Tell him yourself. She’s talking about you.)

With that Lucien dragged me behind him and protected me. A ray of white light just barely missed my shoulder. Fury was in his eyes and his smile turned sinister, as if determined to finish the opponent.

Huge snowflakes erupted out from his gloved hands, turned into piercing ice knives and shot forward. I could smell blood in the air.

I could feel someone coming for an attack from Lucien’s blind spot.

Yōurán: Be careful!

Without hesitation I pushed Lucien away from harm. A sharp blade grazed my cheek. At that second, I saw a look of shock in his eyes reflected on the surface of the icy fragments.

Another burst of blinding light forced me to close my eyes. When I opened them again, we were the only people there.

Lucien: It’s all right now.

I wondered if I was dreaming when I heard him gently talking to me like before. But when I looked at him there was anger in his eyes and I stiffened.

The cut on my cheek throbbed and I couldn’t suppress a grimace. Lucien raised his hand toward me then after a second thought, he put it back down again. Then he cleared his throat and avoided my eyes.

Lucien: Since you used such an unusual method to call me out here, I suppose you already made up your mind to deal with possible injuries. But… you didn’t fail in surprising me. Your powers are much stronger than I thought. My expectations weren’t futile.

Lucien: But you should know that, when the real danger comes, the values that you believe in might make you be in more danger. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

Yōurán: I saved you in the end, though, didn’t I?

Lucien: ……Why? Why did you save me? And I’ve been wanting to ask you before… who in the world are you?

His each word became etched to my heart. I looked at my reflection in his eyes.

Yōurán: I thought you already knew. I’m Queen.

Lucien: And…?

I laughed bitterly.

Yōurán: Shouldn’t you thank me for saving you?

Lucien: Shouldn’t you answer my question first?

I pretended not to hear him.

Yōurán: You owed me this time, so don’t forget to pay me back next time we meet. Then I will answer your question.

Lucien: Why should I trust you?

Yōurán: Pinky swear, then.

My unconscious action driven out from habit startled both of us. 

(In chapter 13, Lucien and Yōurán made a pinky swear to fly kites together before the spring was over... which he didn’t get to keep.)

It seemed like nothing had changed between us, but everything was at a new starting point now.

Lucien lightly laughed at my childish behavior. My cheeks turned red and I put my hand down and made to leave.

Lucien: I thought you said pinky swear.

Yōurán: I’m not a child.

And you didn’t even keep that promise that you made long ago.

Lucien: Alright. I promise. Don’t forget to answer my question the next time we meet.

Yōurán: I won’t.

I turned around and walked away as if I was unfazed by what happened. I was afraid that my feelings bubbling up inside would burst out if I stayed any longer.

Lucien stared at her with amusement in his eyes…and some other sentiment.

Lucien: I look forward to seeing you again.

As she went further away from him, the beautiful colors faded and the world turned back to gray. It somehow reminded him of the dream he had forgotten a long time ago.

Lucien shook his head trying to keep his thoughts clear. But no matter now hard he tried he kept thinking about her face, her eyes, her looks of sadness. How she seemed to miss someone when she was looking at him.

Without knowing why, anger welled up inside him. He had no idea that this would affect him like this. He felt like a mariner roaming in the deep sea even though he knew his destination.

(Lucien being jealous of himself again.)

___________________________________

When I was far away from the research institute I sighed.

Yōurán: Lucien, don’t you remember who I am? It’s me, Yōurán, who always used to pester you with silly chatter, wait for your stories every night, who learned from you to see the wider world…. who always chose to get closer to you even when you warned me away…

Next time we meet, I hope it’s spring. People will fly kites in this year too.

My memories of him were warm in my heart, giving me courage to encounter him with my back straight and my head held high.

It’s okay. Even when on my own, I can keep our promise by flying kites by myself.

One person held two people’s memories, so I was sure that I could face what’s to come with a braver heart.

______________________________________

Lucien is the one who said “Love can lead people into traps. I’ll never let emotions stand in my way again.”

It seems that Lucien from winter Loveland City is going to fall into this trap too.

[yandere-lovehotel]

Warning this includes mentions of stalking. It is implied that Reader gets changed and bathed while unconscious.

You have been warned.

(Y/n)= your name

(H/n)= hero name

Agreeing to work with Endeavor had been a mistake.

At first you had been excited to work with a high ranking hero. You yourself were only just starting to rise in the ranks after being so low for a while that working with the number two hero was considered an honor.

It was something higher ranked heroes did every now and then. Worked with lower ranked heroes that started to climb the ranks and helped them develop into better heroes. It was good for the general population to have more competent heroes. It helped ease the burden of top ranked heroes to have more strong heroes to help out. And it was also good publicity for both low ranks and high ranks. So you are happy to have THE Endeavor be the hero you worked with. That was until you met the guy.

At first he was content to ignore you and let you do as you pleased no matter how nice and polite you tried to be but slowly he began to start criticizing you.

The man was already a taskmaster but he seemed to be especially hard on you. He was never happy with anything you did. Always too slow, too weak, too stupid. It pissed you off, his high and mighty attitude. He corrected everything you did. From your hand to hand combat, to the "proper" use of your own quirk, hell even to the way you made your coffee! He was insufferable and it was pissing you off more and more as the days went by.

It all came to a head when he forced you to stay away from yet another battle. Saying you were too weak to fight the enemy. You had ignored him and fought anyways, which lead to a very loud and very angry argument once it was over and you were both in a private place.

"What was that (h/n)? I specifically told you to not get involved with that fight." Endeavor hissed.

"Screw that!" You snapped. "I'm a hero! I don't sit back and watch when I can help. Besides it's not as if this was some big threat. It was an easy battle!"

"It doesn't change the fact that I gave you an order! I told you to stay out of the fight but you intentionally ignored me! How can you be a hero if you can't even follow the simple order of 'stay put'"

You grit your teeth together in anger at that, "How can I be a hero at all when you won't even let me fight?! How can I be a hero if I'm not helping anyone?! I became a hero to save people, even if I'm not the best or the strongest. I'm not about to let some high and mighty asshole like you tell me that I have to 'stay put' when I know I can help."

Endeavor took a step closer to you, glaring at you."Just because you think you can do something doesn't mean that you can. You're weak (h/n) and you have no experience in battles like the one I fight."

"I know! I know that I'm not like you or all might or any of the other top rank heroes. My quirk isn't that powerful, and I'm still new enough to be making bad calls but how can I gain the experience and training necessary if you won't give me a chance? How am I supposed to become a better hero if I can't BE a hero?"

Enji smothered the growl that was building in his throat. You just didn't get it, did you? You just didn't see why he was doing this. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if you got hurt. If you got hurt he would lose it. If a villain ever managed to hurt you, he wasn't sure he would be able to hold back from seriously injuring them. God forbid if YOU were ever seriously injured. The offending party could very well become nothing but ash.

This...obsession with you has grown wildly out of his control and the worst part was that he didn't care anymore. Sure at first it downright disgusted him. The urge to follow you and take you and keep you was wrong. But it never stopped him. He had met you not long after he and Rei had divorced. He was content to just ignore you but your unwavering determination to be nice to him drew his attention. It was a downward spiral from there.

He wondered if you ever noticed how he would stare when he thought you weren't looking. How he would glare when he saw you get too friendly with someone. How he hit villains harder if they made threats towards you. If you ever noticed him following you.

He knew almost everything about you. He knew your favorite food. Your favorite places to go when not at work. He knew who you hung out with. He knew what you hated and what you liked. He became intimately aware of your personal life and it gave him the strangest sense of satisfaction. He didn't want you to be a hero. He couldn't stand the thought of you fighting and getting hurt. Of you being seen by others. Of you spending time with people that weren't him. But he also knew that this was the only way for him to spend time with you and the only way to buy time to carry out his plan. It would be too strange if he was seen with you. It would draw too much attention. He wasn't done with the preparations yet.

He drew his attention back to your tirade. God even angry you looked amazing. "If you can't respect the fact that I'm a hero then why am I even here?! I may as well go somewhere that will actually let me help!"

Enji felt his heart freeze. While logically he knew it would be better if he cut all ties with you so as to lower suspicion when he acted out his plan, the idea of not being near you every day...hurt. he couldn't let that happen. He drew a breath and knew that it was time to swallow his pride if he wanted. " You're...right (h/n)."

You paused, dumbfounded. You had been prepared for a sarcastic or cruel remark. Not...that.

"I've been treating you...unfairly. I haven't been giving any thoughts to your development as a hero and was more concerned with the fact that I believed you incapable of handling yourself. You are working with me and I fight dangerous battles. I was worried that your lack of experience in these types of situations would get you, me or someone else hurt. So I made you stay away. But now I see that it has only stunted your ability to grow as a hero. And for that I apologise."

Speechless you watched as Endeavor bowed slightly at the waist. He...he was really saying sorry? That wasn't something you really expected. You had been fully prepared for him to say 'leave then'. For him to tear you down verbally. You were... pleasantly surprised.

Enji hid the irritation from his face. Truthfully he wanted you out of this profession as quickly as possible so he could take care of you. But he had to wait. Wait for the right time, the right place, and the right villain.

_________________________________

After the argument, much to your surprise, things seemed to get better with Endeavor. He was still a critical, standoffish jerk but he finally started let you participate in battles. Your name was finally getting out there.

You were both surveying a mostly abandoned area where a villain was reportedly last seen. Someone with some kind of explosion quirk. He had gotten his hands on an experimental gunpowder. Extremely dangerous in hands like his.

Endeavor was, at first, unwilling to let you tag along. This time you could understand at least. You were a bit iffy on this as well, if you were to be honest. This wasn't just some chump, wanna-be villain. This was an honest threat with a high probability of serious injury or even death if handled improperly. There was little room for error and you weren't sure if you yet had the skill to deal with a situation like this. But a threat of this magnitude, even in an area with far less people, required him to be found as quickly as possible. Whoever found him was to contact the other heroes as quickly and discreetly as possible.

You and endeavor had been the closest, so you both naturally started patrolling for him. You had hoped that back up would arrive before you found him. Unfortunately it seemed like he was looking for the two of you.

"Well, well,well lookie at what I found." came a sneer from behind both of you. You both tensed, turning quickly to face the voice.

_________________________________

Everything hurt. That was the first thing you noticed. The second was that you were on a bed. You opened your eyes blearily. Everything felt sluggish and tilted on an axis. You attempted to sit up but your body quickly protested the movement. You settled on looking around what appeared to be a room.

It was windowless. The walls were a nice shade of red with the floor being a complimentary dark wood. A vanity, a dresser and three doors also decorated the room. A glass of water sat on the night stand next to you. Honestly, if you weren't in pain and quietly freaking out over where the fuck you were, you might have admired the decor. As it was, you were in pain and you were quietly freaking out over where the fuck you were, so you ignored the decor and tried to figure out how you got here.

The last thing you remembered was the battle with that villain.

After he spoke Endeavor wasted no time going after him, while you attempted to contact the other heroes. Only to find out that your device wasn't connecting to anyone. Once it was clear that you wouldn't be able to get a hold of anyone, you joined the battle.

The villain called himself Mayhem. He had a strange device mounted on his wrist that you very quickly discovered held the experimental gunpowder. The device allowed him to control the blasts for long range offense with hugely explosive results. Neutralizing it was the main imperative. You and Endeavor realized going in close was your best option. He wouldn't be able to use powerful explosions without risking his own safety which would hopefully give one of you an opening to disarm him.

The fight was difficult. Mayhem seemed to be no slouch when it came to hand to hand combat and just because he couldn't use more destructive explosions didn't mean he couldn't use small ones. In the end you had caught a blast in your side and were sent flying into a wall, knocking you out. And then you woke up here.

'Did Endeavor lose? Did mayhem win and bring me here to hold as a hostage? But that can't be right. Why would he put me in a room like this?'

Your thoughts were cut off when the door opened. And to your utter surprise it was Endeavor himself who walked through the door, holding what looked to be a small basin. He caught your eye and smiled.

"Ah so you're finally awake. Good, you've been out for a few days now. I was getting worried. The doctor I had take a look at you said you just needed to rest but I was still a bit worried. Your injuries were pretty bad." He said casually.

"En-...deav-...or?" Your throat felt dry and scratchy. It hurt saying even a single word. "Wh-...e-..re-"you cut off into a coughing fit, feeling like needles were stabbing your throat.

Endeavor quickly put down the basin and cloth he was holding and grabbed the glass of water, helping you sit up to take a drink. "There, there (y/n) don't overexert yourself. You're hurt and have been out cold for the past few days. You should keep resting."

You were surprised at the use of your name. Even when you were both off duty, he would refer to you by your hero name. Even more surprising, thought, was his soft tone. He was being very gentle right now. With anyone else and in any other situation it might have been comforting. But right now it just made the hairs on the back of your neck raise. You felt uncomfortable and anxious.

The water helped to ease your throat, which allowed you to get that burning question out.

"Whe-where am I?" You croaked."What happened?"

"You're in my home." He stated plainly.

You felt yourself go stiff with panic. "W-why am I in your house? S-shouldn't I be at a hos-hospital?"

"Why it was time for you to come home my dear. Besides, what use is a hospital for a dead person." He stroked your face lovingly.

"Wh-what." Fear began to tingle down your spine. Your thoughts ran wild 'Did…..did he bring me here to...kill me? Why? What did I do?' You started shaking as you thought of all the horrible ways he would kill you. You were injured and unable to fight back.

He seemed to have noticed your fear because he quickly began talking in a hushed tone. "Hey just relax okay? There's nothing to be afraid of? No one's going to hurt."

"Th-then w-why am I-I h-here? W-why di-did you say I w-was a de-dead person?

He chuckled "You're here because I brought you here. The truth is that I've been interested in you for awhile now. I've..grown feelings for you. When I realized that, I also realized that I hated the thought of you getting hurt. The thought of other people looking at you and getting close to you. I wanted you for myself, wanted to keep you safe and away from others. So I brought you here."

Slowly mounting horror froze you, rendering incapable of words. You wanted to scream and yell. About him being crazy. About how this was fucked up. But the words wouldn't come out and your body was still. He kidnapped you.

"As for the dead person part, well, faking a death is difficult. Faking the death of a hero is harder. But it's nothing that the right people and a bit of money can't accomplish."

He turned his attention towards the basin he had set down. "Oh it seems like the water has gone cold. I'll go get some warm water. Don't want to wash you with cold water now. You might get sick" he said. Your gut churned at the thought that he's probably been bathing and changing you for days now.

Endeavor leaned over, planted a soft kiss on your forehead and eased to lay down once again. You put up no fight. You couldn't put up a fight.

He stood gathered the basin in his arms and walked towards one of the doors. It revealed a bathroom when opened. He went in a closed the door. Leaving you to your thoughts.

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Enji breathed a quiet sigh of relief as he closed the door. He was glad that you hadn't fought him. You were still injured and he didn't want to risk you hurting yourself further.

As he turned on the faucet and waited for the water to warm, he thought back to that day.

After you had been knocked out by mayhem he had stopped the fight. The villain had done the job he was told. As he began moving you to a hidden car, mayhem began to pester him.

'so when am I gonna see the money?'

'what'd they do that made ya so mad anyways?'

'how're you even gonna get away with this?'

He had told the fool not to worry that he got what he was owed and to not to worry about. He had the perfect cover up. Once he had placed you in the trunk of the car, he grabbed a crowbar, out of mayhems view. He turned quickly, bashing him across the skull he dropped like a sack of bricks, out like a light. He took the firing mechanism off of his wrist and handcuffed him inside of a warehouse. He made sure that it and the surrounding building were empty

He got in the car and drove carefully away so as to not jostle your injuries. He wasn't too worried about being seen. It had been easy to mess with your device, making it incapable of contacting anyone. He had carefully made sure that you had all been in an area where no one would hear the fighting, even with the explosions. The cameras had also been cut off, which he would later blame on Mayhem, once he was finished taking care of him. After all, he couldn't leave a loose end like that fool. He was too unpredictable and was too risky and volatile to put on his payroll. He didn't want to risk mayhem trying to blackmail him for more money later down the line.

Once Enji got you back and in your new room, he had the doctor take a look at you and heal you somewhat. Not all the way though. He jumped into a different car that had a prepared cadaver in it and returned to where he left mayhem.

The cadaver was incredibly convincing. It had taken the use of several specific quirks but now it was almost impossible to tell the fakes physical features apart from the real. It would even bleed. He had already paid off the necessary people to make this believable. He wasn't worried about them. They were professionals and this wasn't the first time they had done something like this. They could care less about what he's doing and didn't ask unnecessary questions.

He placed the cadaver in the correct spot and began pouring a small amount of gunpowder next to mayhem. Just a small pinch was needed for this step of the plan.

At this point mayhem started to wake.

"Wh-what the? Where-where am i? What happen?" He slurred, head wound making it difficult to talk. He tried moving his hands only to find them handcuffed to a pole behind him

"Wha-what the fu-fuck is this shit. What are you doing?"

Enji laughed quietly. "You didn't actually think I was just going to leave you to your own devices, did you? I can't have someone like you running around with the kind of information you have. So it's time to dispose of you now that you've done what I needed. I've already contacted the agency and told them that you've been subdued. They're on their way to pick you up now." He started walking away from the fool.

"You sonavabitch. We had a deal! They take me and I'll talk, I swear I will!" Mayhem snarled

Enji grinned at his words, stopping just far enough away for his next action. " I said that they were on their way to pick you up." A small amount of fire lit in his hand."I never said that they'd get you alive."

With a casual flick of his hand, he tossed the fire towards the pile of gunpowder.

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The rest had been fairly simply after the resulting explosion. He had, after all, been planning this for quite some time now. He had made sure that he was far enough away to receive minor injuries but was ultimately unharmed. The cadaver was placed near enough to mayhem that death would have been an immediate result.

The story he gave the agency and the law enforcement was that he and (h/n) had been ambushed by mayhem, not giving them enough time to contact anyone. They had both worked together to take him down and handcuffed him after knocking him out, Endeavor then proceeded to contact the agency. After that mayhem woke up and used a suicide technique, blowing himself up. Endeavor had been far enough away to survive but (h/n) had unfortunately been too close.

He played the part of the upset hero well. Made the people believe that he was angry at himself for being unable to save you.

The medical team that gathered the fake body had been paid off by enji. As had the person who performed the autopsy. And the doctor he had take a look at your injuries in his home. He had taken every measure to pull this off and it finally came to fruition. The papers hailed you as a tragic death, the life of a promising and brave hero ended too soon. You family, friends, and fans mourned you.

You were finally all his.