#being used intentionally by others for cruel devices

[clanoffelidae]

I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)

And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.

And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.

During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.

My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.

And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.

I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.

And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.

I don’t want to be in pain again.

And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.

And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.

I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.

Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.

Pain is good, but not like this.

Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’

Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.

But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.

Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.

You shouldn’t have to be strong.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to let you all know that.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Question for #AEIWAM, about the Hogyoku: In Canon, Aizen is using one Hogyoku to figure out how to make Shinigami into Hollow, and Urahara is discovered to have a second Hogyoku when he tries to undo the Hollowfication on the group that would become the Visored. But it's never adequately explained where either of them came from, other than "they were invented by [Aizen & Urahara". In #AEIWAM, if the Hogyoku was used to make the first Kami, but using it for what Urahara & Aizen were doing, it seems so... low-powered. What if it's not two separate Hogyoku, but rather one Hogyoku split into two parts? Man, I bet Kaname was waiting for the best moment to tell Aizen that Urahara had one

Oh no.

It's MUCH stupider than that.

The *exact* nature and purpose of the hogyoku (and why the instructions for how to make one were just out there for Gin to find on the Soul King's worktable) are MAJOR SPOILERS for the TYBW arc of AEIWAM, but as far as functions go: A Hogyoku is a device used to accumulate massive amounts of Reiryoku (Soul Energy), compress and purify it, and then squeeze it out into an organism later to make it extremely powerful.

If you can guess the spoilers from those two sentences, you get a gold star and drafted into helping me write this damn fic.

I'm not sure where you got the bit about them being used to make the first Kami, but that is (at least now) not the case- Kami form from a similar function, but were not intentionally *made*, and not with a Hogyoku.

ANYWAY,

You are right, the two hogyoku in AEIWAM are under-powered compared to the original plan, but that's mostly because neither Aizen or Urahara could comprehend the sheer scale of Nobody's design, so what they actually made were, essentially Micro-hogyokus.

The Approximate Order of Events:

A fuckass long time ago:

Nobody, Ichibei and Shinso all get the shit stabbed out of them during the Godslaying Event.

Gin is formed from the physical and metaphysical viscera of all three.

As a result, Nobody dies, Ichibei is left a shell of his former self and Shinso loses his body.

Gin realizes that, with Nobody dead and Their various body parts jamming up the wheel of Samsara, there is a very real possibility the Current Life Machine will starve and die before it can give birth to the next one, and the universe they're in will retroactively cease to exist.

Gin decides the best course of action is to put the current Life Machine on life support so it doesn't starve or miscarry while he figures out how to unjam the wheel.

While Gin is figuring this shit out, Ichibei shoves Nobody's corpse in amber and locks the palace to prevent anyone from finding out the "Soul King" is dead, and traps Shinso inside.

Gin finds the plans for The Hogyoku (note the capitalization) on Nobody's worktable, and realizes a smaller version could be used to fill a single soul with an absolute shitwack of energy and that soul could then become an energy capri-sun for the Life Machine.

Gin, however, lacks the engineering knowledge or skill to actually MAKE a micro-hogyoku, let alone convince a soul to submit themselves to the torture of becoming a Divine Juice Box.

...Unless they think it was their idea in the first place.

Gin redacts a few key points about The Hogyoku, including it's scale and intended purpose, and then takes the redacted plans- which are not paper but Concepts- and travels to Spirit World, where most of the Reiriyoku is to dangle the plans in the dreams of various likely-looking maniacs that are slightly too smart for their own good.

late 1700's to early 1800's

After several false starts, Gin finally hits his mark in the disillusioned and bitter Sosuke Aizen, who lost his entire family in a series of catastrophes and is realizing just how cruel and incompetent the afterlife really is.

Aizen changes careers from "Assistant to the central 46" to "Shinigami" and starts his research into the nature of Reiryoku to build "his" vision to make himself God and Fix Everything Forever.

Gin continues jiggling the bait while he waits for Aizen to get some results, and finds a second mark in a bright-eyed and naieve Kisuke Urahara, who thinks he can use it to infuse hollows with whatever it is they're missing and Fix That Forever.

Satisfied that he now has a Juice Box and a Backup Juice box, Gin transforms into a human-shaped soul and appears as a child in the Rukongai as part of his long con to get close to Aizen and Urahara and keep them on track.

late 1800's ish:

Progress is SLOW with both men and Gin is getting frustrated.

Aizen is slighty further along, having learned about Arrancar and the growth instars of hollows while Kisuke was learning how to become a cop, so Gin enters the academy, speedruns it, and attatches himself to Aizen to herd him in the right direction faster.

Aizen is also fucking terrible at Opsec and is discovered by Kaname Tousen, who is immune to Aizen's Illusion Bullshit, but mistakenly thinks that Aizen's lackey, Kiganjo, is the mastermind, and confides in Aizen.

Aizen is about to straight-up murder Kaname to keep him from blowing it when Gin remembers Kaname from the academy and realizes that where Aizen has ambition instead of brains, Kaname is the real genius here, and will definitely speed things up.

Whether he wants to or not.

Shortly after Kaname is cursed into compliance, Kirio Hikifune is recruited into the Royal Guard and Urahara becomes captain of the 12th, where he devotes himself to figuring out how to make his hogyoku.

Everything is coming up Gin!

1900:

Despite being cursed all to hell, Tousen VERY NEARLY blows the whole operation by alerting the rest of the court guard to the location of Aizen's lab, but Gin is able to step in at the last second and stop him.

...By turning 14 of the Ninth's seated officers into hollows that were absorbed by the hogyoku, and the subsequent rescue party into hollows that Urahara spirits away.

Instead of absorbing the rescue party into his own hogyoku, urahara turns them into Visored and they all abscond to the living world/vanish as far as Gin can tell.

Fuck.

Gin redoubles his efforts to keep Aizen on track now that he only has one Juice Box, which means things get a whole lot worse for Tousen but hey, gotta save the universe and that means Aizen Absolutely Cannot Fuck This Up.

1980:

Aizen Fucks it All Up.

Gin has to sprint back to Soul King Palace to molt real fast, and in the fucking three days he's gone, Aizen:

figures out how to use the "export energy" feature on his hogyoku and

instead of exporting the energy into HIMSELF, Aisen makes a sort of super-hollow he calls "White" because that's his favorite color, and dumps all 10,000 souls worth of energy into it.

Aizen then orders Kaname to take White to the Living World to go fuck shit up, just to see what it can do.

Kaname, in the midst of an extreme nervous breakdown, abandons White in downtown Karakura because Aizen forgot to give him end commands, and goes to ground in hopes that Aizen gets his dumb ass killed doing this, or Kaname dies quietly before he can be forced to mutilate or kill anyone else.

Kaname's Obvious Nervous Breakdown is witnessed by Captain Isshin Shiba, who follows Kaname to his meeting with... someone, he looks like a human-shaped mirage? and some creepy-ass hollow, which Kaname takes to the living world and then just... leaves?

White starts to Fuck Shit Up, mostly by wandering around while being a dangerously radioactive to souls, and Isshin decides he needs to kill this thing before it destroys the whole city.

Quincy Prodigy and current host to the ghost of Quincy Freishutz sees White and has the same idea.

Looney-tunes ass battle between White, Isshin, and Masaki breaks out.

Meanwhile, Kaname's continuing nervous breakdown is witnessed by Yoruichi, who stalks him in cat form for a while before she senses the fight break out, and calls Urahara on the way to tell him Shit's Afoot.

Meanwhile, Isshin and Masaki are falling in love. Or at least, Isshin is falling in love with the most insane woman he's ever met. Masaki thinks he's a very cute tactical advantage.

White, all of two hours old, has no fucking clue what the fuck is happening, just that these asshole are trying to kill him.

Isshin and Masaki do a coordinated double attack that backfires and effectively tears everyone's souls in half- Isshin and Masaki are seperated from their Yume-kon: Engetsu and Quincy Freishutz.

Yoruichi gets to the fight and kicks White into two pieces that had not yet quite figured out who is king and who is horse, and then Yoruichi is KO'd by the resulting recoil.

Urahara arrives just in time to see his former coworker and some woman(???) with their souls falling apart, and two large glops of energy. Isshin demands urahara save this woman. Urahara, attempting to figure out how to do that: I can. uh. frankenstein your souls together? Masaki, seeing her way out of Yhwach's grasp: DO THAT.

Urahara uses his hogyoku to stuff the glops of energy into the holes where thier Yume-kon should be, then stitches Isshin and Masaki's souls together to contain the glops within both of them.

Inside Masaki and Isshin, Quincy Freischutz and Engetsu both fuse with/are absorbed by the glops formerly known as white.

This causes Isshin to develop severe amnesia and Masaki to lose her the use of quincy abilities/breaks her connection to Ywach.

Aizen realizes that his hogyoku is now Empty (and useless), but witnesses Urahara use his before absconding with Isshin and whoever that woman was.

Kaname wakes up in bed in the ninth with exactly zero memory of how the fuck he got back from his saw-trap-like bolt hole in the living world, and a really weird headache.

1983:

Isshin and Masaki get HAMMERED at a Halloween party and make Ichigo.

Both halves of the being formerly known as White jump from parent to child, taking whats left of Engetsu and Quincy Freischutz with them, and inside the fetal ichigo, the entities re-fuse into a chimera that decides its name is Zangetsu.

Zangetsu then promptly goes dormant because yume-kon are not supposed to be body hopping and reverse-parthenogenesising like this no matter how much energy they have to burn and he's TIRED.

Orihime's parents get drunk and have nasty hate sex in a closet during an office christmas party and make Orihime, setting Shinso's much better secret "Fix The Life Machine" plan in motion.

Urahara finally gets the idea "Hey maybe this hogyoku thing isn't a great idea"

He thinks that he can destroy his hogyoku by sealing it, then sealing it inside a sturdy mortal soul, and letting that mortal die.

Unfortunately, no souls in the living world can handle the radiation of the sealed hogyoku, so he's got to stuff it into a shinigami and then make that shinigami mortal.

2000:

Instead of doing the sane thing and stuffing it into the most immediately available shinigami (himself), Urahara fucks around for 20 years until Rukia comes around, and he stuffs it into her soul instead.

In a weird coincidence that ABSOLUTELY NOBODY COULD HAVE SEEN COMING, Rukia, who is patrolling the area Ichigo lives in, comes into contact with Ichigo, the kid whose parents Urahara stuffed full of hogyoku glop.

This contact makes the dormant Zangetsu WAKE THE FUCK UP, and reflexively slorp the soul energy out of Rukia. Instead of the full powers of Urahara's hogyoku, Zangetsu only gets Rukia's personal reserves, but its enough for him to be concious and see that OH FUCK THAT'S A BIGASS HOLLOW, ICHIGO'S GONNA DIE FUCK, FUCK WE NEED A WEAPON- BOW? NO, TOO CLOSE. SWORD? YEAH! WE REMEMBER HOW TO BE A SWORD!!

Thus: Shinigami!Ichigo.

This event trips Aizen's radar, and he starts his plan to get his hands on Urahara's still-active hogyoku/fuck over soul society/destroy karakura/make himself the new soul king

the first and second parts of that plan (mostly) work, and Aizen yoinks urahara's hogyoku from rukia and absconds with it, Gin and Kaname, who has been working on his own plan to break the curse, but is exhausted.

Aizen, just to be a dick to ichigo, kidnaps Orihime.

Kaname explains that the hogyokus are tools that consume souls and convert them into energy, and that Aizen is planning to use the one he stole from urahara to devour karakura and make himself into the new god. "What do you mean 'new' god?" "I'm like 99% sure the soul king is dead. there's God-sized body parts all over the spirit world." "Ah. Bad."

Aizen shows Orihime his own, empty hogyoku and monolouges about how only an incompetent and cruel god would make the living and spirit worlds like this. While he's distracted, Orihime grabs the hogyoku and eats it, bringing the next part of Shinso's plan to fruition.

Orihime starts being able to see connections other people don't but she's had AuDHD her whole life so that's nothing new. Her Shun Shun Rikka suddenly gets a whole lot stronger though, and she helps kaname start to break his curse by pulling the nails out of his spine with it.

At the battle of Fake Karakura, Kaname finally breaks his curse and beats the SHIT out of Aizen until he cracks Urahara's hogyoku that aizen loged in his chest, preventing it from absorbing any more power, so Aizen can't absorb real karakura and become a god.

In retaliation, Aizen decides that if he can't be god, then he will at least kill the gotei-13, and fuses with urahara's hogyoku to become stupid powerful

Zangetsu has been trying to speed-train ichigo but the kid is only 16 and this is the apocalypse unless they do something UHHHHH HERE KID, HAVE SOME OF OUR HOGYOKU POWERS YEAH THEY'RE HOLLOW FLAVORED DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT-

Hollow!Ichigo finishes kicking Aizen's ass until he's unable to fight back and surrenders, losing control of, but unable to let of his immense power.

Gin pops up from where he'd been pretending to be a corpse, paralyzes Aizen by stabbing him in the back of the neck, says "thanks kid!" and absconds with his Juice box back to Soul King Palace, and then to the workings of the Life machine beyond.

Gin puts Aizen into something that greatly resembles a horrible combination of The Machine from princess bride, a mouth, and a taffy puller, which operates in much the same fashion as all three to extract all that delicious soul energy from him.

2001:

Kaname wakes up from the coma Unohana had to put him in to let him recover on Valentines day, finally a free man for the first time in over a century.

It's not the first thing he does with his freedom, but kicking urahara's ass for making a hogyoku at all is up there.

Orihime continues to get... weirder.

...and that's as far as I've gotten with much specificity in drafts.

[absolutebl]

Do you feel like shows that deal with idols not being allowed to date or actors having to hide queerness are a critique of that, or are they using it as a plot device because it’s a handy obstacle for love stories?

To me it reads as a critique because it seems so cruel and unfair to performers. But maybe it’s kind of a *shrug that’s the way it is* to folks actually in Thailand/Korea/Japan.

I have a similar feeling when I see unreasonable parents who expect their offspring to obey no matter what. Are the shows interrogating a cultural norm of unquestioning filial obedience or just using it as a plot point because it’s super relatable to audiences? Probably a bit of both, I guess…

Happy Pride!

Let's rehash BLs and QUEERNESS!!!

I think it depends on the point of view of the show and the perspective of the writer(s) and director(s). Those that have a queer lens are often having a dialogue with the audience on these subjects. Those that don't have any intentionality to their queerness are often using such things as performative plot devices, heart string manipulation, and for the vicarious titillation of a (mostly) straight audience.

So yeah, grey area.

I do have a bunch of stuff on this topic here (quite a bit is older before the big queer-up of the BL genre that has been happening over the last few years - see top trend of 2022) (and here's me talking about normalization in anticipation of this trend).

[the-algebra-thing]

I'm about to confess something that does not sit right with me at all for one reason or another but it's absolutely and undeniably a thing at this point. throughout much of my first reread of the left hand of darkness I drew COUNTLESS parallels to the organization of themes and the literary devices used in captive prince. I kept trying to put it out of my mind because I didn't like the comparison, but it's so potent and I can't just let it fall by the wayside. and I've even cut it off so you can easily scroll right past. but here's the deal.

the easiest comparison to make here is that estraven narrates much more often than laurent does, but it works to serve a similar purpose: for one, bringing clarity to the cultural aspect of what's going on now and has been going on for the entire story. we also respond to estraven's changes in mood—whether or not he's narrating—with the same cat's whisker sensitivity that we do laurent's, for the same reason: we get so little exposure to them, as these characters are very withdrawn. they also serve the same purpose of guiding our feelings about what we're reading towards a specific idea. this is what I noticed first.

in fact laurent and estraven are very different. the reasons they behave as they do are actually pretty diametrically opposite, with estraven's behavior coming directly from how steeped he is in his culture and how rightfully unequipped he is to deal with anything different, while laurent's stems from trauma that exposed him to the worst of his world, and caused him to widen his scope to an unhealthy degree—and he cleaves to values that contrast clearly with his culture's appearances in an attempt at defense. laurent's behavior is taken as simple incompetence, and revealed to be complex machinery; estraven's is taken as complex, cruel irony, and revealed to be simple, frank pragmatism. laurent snares damen intentionally; estraven snares genly ai sort of as a side effect of greater purpose.

still, they both guide their respective stories with an invisible hand and with the same dedication, devotion even, to goals beyond the scope of the duality their worlds present them with. they both have a much bigger and more complete picture right off the bat of what's going on—and how they can use it to steer the future—than we do, or than the main characters do.

on the other hand. genly ai and damen experience the same revolution of worldview, and thus identity, almost to a tee, it would seem. their role, in contrast to their respective narrative counterparts, is to bumble through the world they've been thrust into and discover along with us readers what the story is about. their role is to gain this new understanding of duality and what lies outside of it.

genly ai does this conspicuously. this is what the bulk of the left hand of darkness is dedicated to, without artifice. we follow along with him and are maybe a little surprised by the reach of estraven's goals and actions, but it's not a complete bombshell. damen does this mental legwork less obviously, as he doesn't realize that it's happening really until it's almost over—and I didn't begin to grasp the far reaches of this process until at least my third time reading. and we are both shocked hopefully on some level by the sheer godlike extent of laurent's machinery. but they both travel this path, inescapably shepherded by someone whose role they do not initially understand, and are equally shocked when they find out the extensive grasp those characters have on the narrative. and they both bring the idea and the means for the revolution the others so desperately needed.

honestly, the way these stories approach and use the idea of sex and sexuality is their most interesting similarity and their most potent difference. it holds a shit ton of symbolism, obviously, everything being about sex until it's about sex and all, but the directions they approach it from are almost opposite. and their resolutions specifically regarding it are pretty much opposite as well. there's also something to be said for captive prince not even trying to pass the bechdel test, and genly ai's thing about using "he" all the time because gethen's languages lack gendered human pronouns. I honestly don't even want to get into it because that's just a whole other post that I don't care nearly as much about. but it's there.

these stories are not one to one, obviously. captive prince takes on awareness pretty strictly through the lens of interpersonal relationship, while the left hand of darkness takes on awareness through a balance of like five different things, though politics do feature prominently in each. the scope is wider at first glance in tlhod, and in the end it really is, but not nearly as much as it originally looks, I think. still, it lacks a lot of the fetishism and directness that captive prince comes at you with, and utilizes more variety in proving its point—by the end, you feel less like a besieged dead horse. this is because captive prince's greatest strength, its scrupulously guarded limits to its purview, is also its fatal flaw. but again, that's an issue for another discussion I don't care to get into.

I'm not trying to say which one of these stories is better. I just am saying, directly off my second time ever reading the left hand of darkness, that a lot of the parallels are super wild

[badsalvatore]

i've been in love , it's painful , pointless and overrated.

some girls just can't resist my good looks , my style and my charm , my unflinching ability to listen to … taylor swift . ind  &  sel ( low act . ) damon salvatore from the vampire diaries ,   s1 - 2 canon compliant , with some elements from s3 , and others ripped from the books .    will not acklowedge anything past / mid season 3 as canon .   18+ blog . damon is a vampire , and a dick , expect blood , gore , and nsfw themes . minors dni  . written by lenny .

hcs + pinterest + playlist

mains : @doesoft

some rules under the cut:

i don't wanna go on and on about stuff, so regular rules apply: don't metagame/godmode without permission , be nice , don't harass me for replies .

i will be using ian as his faceclaim ( and he will likely will be all over my blog for it , i won't be tagging his face everywhere sorry ) , so pls curate your dash if this is a problem for you . i don't have alt faceclaims , i am however willing to go iconless if that's something that could work for you .

if you hate elena gilbert, i don't wanna engage lmao bye sorry but we just won't vibe

if u hate damon for x and x reasons thats valid , but i don't intend to soften his characterization to cater to anyone else except for myself . please don't harass me about playing a fictional character . i write for fun , and while i can acknowledge his behavior would not be okay irl , i am a grown individual who is quite therapized and very capable of dicerning between reality and fiction , i look at tvd through the goggles of entertainment . no , his fictitious crimes simply do not bother me . yes , i find the character compelling . if they bother you that's completely fair , but again , not the blog for you .

if u can't tell , i'm pretty trigger free , so triggers will be present on this blog but i'll try to tag the more obvious ones . the triggers i might write down likely involve murder , abuse , mentions of abuse , etc . he's a heavy character . no i will not ever write down s/a .

i'm completely refusing to accept the 'off switch' in my canon , i'm sorry but i fucking hate that plot device lmao .

anything and any characters post s3 don't exist to my damon , we can still plot , but all the nonsense that happened won't be applicable . this means no stupid sire bond , no siren , no enzo , no lab , no dumb canon about their mom being a vampire god help me ... i think u get the gist . ik about later seasons from friends , but haven't watched from s3 onwards and i have no intention to do so , soooo ... yeah .

english isn't my first language , i'm not super knowledgeable in the us either . i'm doing my best , be patient with me , have a cookie .

i'm stealing some of the more gothic-like elements from early s1 / the book . i think they were dope . there might be mentions of fog / the crow if i feel spicy , i'm not sure how much yet so i'll leave this be .

in othello's words : "i am one who loved not wisely but too well". damon is a complicated dude , he's selfish and cruel and reckless guy , loving and being loved by him is not easy , that doesn't mean he can't love people . he does ... his own way . he loves his brother , and that doesn't stop him from being selfish , and punishing him . he won't let him die , but he won't let him have peace either . he'd take a bullet for him , but he'd also cause him immesurable pain , usually as a consequence of his recklessness , but sometimes intentionally . he loves elena , that does not make him unselfish , or not dangerous to literally everyone around her . and depending on the verse (though i'll argue he'll always carry a torch for her) , damon loves katherine , and it doesn't keep her from idealizing her into something she never was to begin with , being petty and vengeful and mean . he's fueled by love , but that love doesn't always make him kind , and occasionally it makes him crueler . he's a complex dude , and i like writing about it , if this or him make you in any way uncomfortable , please , curate your dash , block me , do what you have to do , no hard feelings . just please don't come for me over a fictional character , thank you .

if i think of anything else i'll add to this <3

[eternclstud]

some girls just can't resist my good looks , my style and my charm , my unflinching ability to listen to … taylor swift . ind  &  sel ( low act . ) damon salvatore from the vampire diaries ,   s1 - 2 canon compliant , with some elements from s3 , and others ripped from the books .    will not acklowedge anything past / mid season 3 as canon .  if you hate damon / delena , or can't stand seeing ian's face this is not the blog for you , curate your dash .  18+ blog . damon is a vampire , and a dick , expect blood , gore , and nsfw themes . minors dni  . written by lenny .

hcs + pinterest + playlist

exclusives with : @survivcrsgvilt . this is a sideblog , i follow from @bitmiscuous

some rules under the cut:

i don't wanna go on and on about stuff, so regular rules apply: don't metagame/godmode without permission , be nice , don't harass me for replies .

if u hate damon for x and x reasons thats valid , but i don't intend to soften his characterization to cater to anyone else except for myself . please don't harass me about playing a fictional character . this is a character i write for fun , and while i can acknowledge his behavior would not be okay irl , i am a grown individual who is quite therapized and very capable of dicerning between reality and fiction , i look at tvd through the goggles of entertainment , everyone is fucking everyone and a murder is just another thursday , nobody's very fazed . his fictitious crimes simply do not bother me , i find the character compelling all the same , and if they bother you that's completely fair , but again , not the blog for you .

if u can't tell , i'm pretty trigger free , so triggers will be present on this blog but i'll try to tag the more obvious ones .

i'm completely refusing to accept the 'off switch' in my canon , i'm sorry but i fucking hate that plot device lmao .

anything and any characters post s3 don't exist to my damon , we can still plot , but all the nonsense that happened won't be applicable . this means no stupid sire bond , no siren , no enzo , no lab , no dumb canon about their mom being a vampire god help me ... i think u get the gist . ik about later seasons from friends , but haven't watched from s3 onwards and i have no intention to do so , soooo ... yeah .

english isn't my first language , i'm not super knowledgeable in the us either . i'm doing my best , be patient with me , have a cookie .

i'm stealing some of the more gothic-like elements from early s1 / the book . i think they were dope . there might be mentions of fog / the crow if i feel spicy , i'm not sure how much yet so i'll leave this be .

in othello's words : "i am one who loved not wisely but too well". damon is a complicated dude , he's selfish and cruel and reckless guy , loving and being loved by him is not easy , that doesn't mean he can't love people . he does ... his own way . he loves his brother , and that doesn't stop him from being selfish , and punishing him . he won't let him die , but he won't let him have peace either . he'd take a bullet for him , but he'd also cause him immesurable pain , usually as a consequence of his recklessness , but sometimes intentionally . he loves elena , that does not make him unselfish , or not dangerous to literally everyone around her . and depending on the verse (though i'll argue he'll always carry a torch for her) , damon loves katherine , and it doesn't keep her from idealizing her into something she never was to begin with , being petty and vengeful and mean . he's fueled by love , but that love doesn't always make him kind , and occasionally it makes him crueler . he's a complex dude , and i like writing about it , if this or him make you in any way uncomfortable , please , curate your dash , block me , do what you have to do , no hard feelings . just please don't come for me over a fictional character , thank you .

if i think of anything else i'll add to this <3

[milfygerard]

The Man isn't exactly a nice song if you have the proper context to actually understand it instead of the making things completely up out of thin air thing that Gaylors who've come to the fandom after the reputation Era prefer, (not that I'm accusing you of doing such, it's just an extremely common thing within the Gaylor fandom) Taylor has an abusive older ex-gf who has a male "alter-ego" named "Charlie" who did something really awful and publicly humiliating to her on February 14th, 2013 and Taylor references that exact date in that scene of The Man MV where all the nasty middle-aged men are pawing and groping at that young women and throwing money with Tyler Swift's face on it at her.

Taylor put the date 2/14/13 on the money and considering how absurdly, intentionally cruel and publicly humiliating the rumored abusive incident that happened to Taylor on that date was, it really paints her view of masculinity as something to be reviled by within the context of The Man MV when the context that Taylor referenced the date that a GNC ex-gf of hers did something extremely abusive and humiliating to her in the MV is added.

Taylor's seems to have gotten over the negative view of masculinity in a generalized sense that she seems to have had in The Man MV these days though, now she seems to have more of a general disdain for the restrictveness of gender roles preventing her from being able to live her life with who she wants for the past decade, which to be fair is something that makes perfect sense to be pissed off about.

But I digress, I've always found the concept of men/masculinity in Taylor's discography interesting because other than the he/him pronouns, Taylor hardly ever assigns stereotypically masculine character traits to either her supposed male love interests or her own male POV character, she'd only really ever assigns them character traits that would be considered generally gender neutral or occasionally a character trait that could be considered mildly feminine.

There's only a handful of songs where Taylor assigns masculinity beyond he/him pronouns or assigns traits that are generally considered to lean more masculine to one of the parties within her songs in a generally positive manner with at least one line in the song off of the top of my head, Ready For It, King Of My Heart, Lover, I Think He Knows, strangely enough Snow On The Beach and Slut!, and those are all songs in which Taylor assigns said traits to either her lover and/or her male beard.

Taylor's personal male POV characters in non-satirical songs never seem to be men, they pretty much always seem to be teenaged boys, and they're never really assigned any particularly masculine character traits, when she chooses to characterize her male POV characters, she generally assigns them what are considered generally childish character traits that are detrimental to the lives of her male POV characters, which is in line with the theme of her arrested development being life-ruining that Taylor has been leaning heavily on for her last couple of albums.

It is very, very interesting and I am glad that Taylor is in a place where she can have fun and experiment with this staple literary device of her's, after all it lead to the amusing delightfulness that is Snow On The Beach, a song in which Taylor uses the segment transition sounds from the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show as part of it's music production in conjunction with a cheeky reference to a Janet Jackson song about Janet really wanting to ride her love interest's nice package tonight being something that Taylor feels for her towards her lover all the time.

ok i have no clue what your opening paragraph is talking about ur on some esoteric fandom gossip that I cant begin to understand but good on you. Are you talking about Dianna? Is Dianna Agron "gender non-conforming"? Does taylor swift have a secret terrible vaguely masc girlfriend who ive never heard of? I need more details anon

Regarding the rest: i don't think taylor made The Man music video because of a negative perception of masculinity that shes grown past, it was far more her satirizing and mimicking very real behavior from the kind of men she probably has had to deal with daily for a good portion of her life and was clearly a pretty honest representation of her frustrations, since she also brought it to Eras Tour with her.

Also because I pick up a vibe (though I could be wrong) I wanna clarify im not a late stage kaylor, which if you are will definitely divide our interpretations on the more gossipy parts of analysis (muse talk relationship timelines etc)

I definitely agree that the men in taylors songs are rarely portrayed as super masculine or heavily gendered, which I think is part of what draws queer women so much to her work. Masculinity is clearly very secondary in what she wants from a partner, or at least she finds it mostly uninspiring as lyrical inspiration unless she can get a good rhyme out of it.. I'm not really sure what masc coding you get regarding the SOTB love interest though, the lyrics feel very abstracted and ephemeral and give very few solid descriptions of the love interest, id def be interested in you expounding on youre reading of SOTB

I dont think taylor writes majorly from a teen boys POV, its mostly just betty being so prominent it kind of overshadows the other examples, but its true she generally avoids particularly masculine terms or characterization thats common in other songs. Part of this is because for choruses, the mans POV often comes as a flip of the original chorus (with the interesting exception of our song, where taylor takes the final chorus while the man takes the first 2 choruses). Theres also the verses that take and flip an earlier lyric within a song (like HYGTG). The most interesting big-machine-era song to me when talking about POV though is still marys song, because the way its written you forget that mary isnt the point of view character, that it opens with "she said" which implies the singer is the "you" who mary is singing to. I really wonder how she ended up writing the song this way, i hope she talks on it a bit in the TV because it's such an interesting and odd decision.

yeah ive heard the VS noise comparison and it is indeed very funny. On top of swifties peer pressuring taylor into turning it into a lesbian duet bc they were infuriated by lack of lana its an absolute gem.

ur last sentence is a little confusing, are you sayong taylor is getting mad dick or strapped down or something? if so good for her

and yeah ive been here since a little before rep, id say i got into taylor a little before/during 1989 and got more into gaylor stuff at the tail end of 1989. Def not an oldhead but ive seen some things lol. Appreciate the message!

[kresnikcest]

the vote's pretty much decided but i will always take the opportunity to infodump about x2 (thanks @lastthroes for the screencaps)

Massive spoilers for Xillia 2 (but as i said, is it really a spoiler if the game never explains half this stuff?)

Victor

An older parallel universe version of TOX2's protagonist Ludger who went on a similar journey that Ludger goes on in the game. In his world though, the little girl named Elle (with violet-eyes like Lara, not green) dies due to Victor's decisions and they fail to save the world due to not being the original universe. He is the father of the green-eyed Elle we meet in-game.

He intentionally traumatises and manipulates his eight year old daughter with the end goal of having them both reincarnated into a new world, despite Elle's objections that she doesn't want to be reborn because she doesn't think she will be the same person as Prime Elle.

Part of this trauma generally includes faking himself getting shot repeatedly while protecting her, and sending her on a journey that he knows will involve her watching a bunch of people get stabbed to death to destroy alternate dimensions. He also knows she'll love Prime Ludger during this journey and, yknow, he still plans on murdering him.

However, while Elle comes to fear that Victor never really loved her and always wanted Prime Elle, Victor does sincerely love Elle specifically as his daughter, and his actions are driven by the belief that this is the only way to save both of their lives from Origin's Trial (the completion or failure will mandate their deaths as Fractured individuals) and live in peace together. He ultimately just wants Elle to survive, something that isn't explicitly guaranteed in the Prime Dimension without his interference.

Bisley

Ludger and Julius' father, also Elle's grandfather in a Fractured Dimension. The current leader in completing Origin's Trial. His wife, Julius' mother, died when Julius was young after Chronos hunted her down for being the Key of Kresnik. Julius left Bisley's care around the age of 13 after discovering that Bisley allegedly sacrificed his mother's life, and that Bisley conceived Ludger with his sister-in-law, and that the Soul Bridge necessary to complete the Trial required a human sacrifice, of which Julius was one option of two.

Okay I'm not gonna lie this is really hard because even JP guidebook material cannot make up its mind on whether or not Bisley is sympathetic. He is described multiple times as basically being willing to sacrifice anyone, including his wife, sons, and fractured granddaughter for the sake of the Trial, but it is also emphasised that he does all of this for the sake of freeing the Kresnik clan from Origin's Trial and from the influence of the spirits who started it.

Bisley pre-game is... not very well explained besides what I said above about Julius' mother. On one hand, basically everyone who thinks he's bad news as a father is... proven right. He uses Ludger and Julius and Elle to complete the Trial, which involves so much death and murder, never mind that Julius was 11 when he started all this and was left to his own devices as long as he didn't actually disappear.

On the other hand, it is stated that Bisley cared greatly for his first wife, since he placed princessia flowers on her grave for the past 22 years since her death. He also leaves one for Ludger's mother once he finds out she's likely dead, and it's noted by Julius that for whatever reason, Bisley never actually hunted his sister-in-law down when she disappeared, despite Julius' own theory that Ludger was conceived to surpass Julius' limitations in power. Bisley also is not cruel for the sake of being malicious, any manipulations on his end are for the end goal of saving all humanity, even at the expense of spirits.

Bisley is the definition of utilitarianism tbh, the Trial and the safety of humanity are his biggest priorities, he won't go out of his way to spite or kill his sons except for where it will benefit him, but that also means any love he has will not save them if they get in his way.

Explaining why this is an intentional match-up is impossible without Xillia 2 spoilers, so.... stop reading if you care.

But yes! Who is the worse parent between this father and son?

Sound off in the comments about their attributes as parents! It probably doesn't bode well for Bisley that Victo has a picture of his child actually looking happy to see him

[dreahmdere]

Attack On Titan - Ymir Fritz Character Analysis

One of the characters that I put in high A or S, and is one of the most important character in the whole series. 

I deeply disagree if you think she’s just a “plot device”, because imo, she’s one of the best character that portrays the concept of abuse in animanga medium. Yet I must not deny that I too first think her character as shallow due to her reasoning being “love”. 

There’s nothing wrong with a character that revolve around love, in fact this is a point that has a lot of potential because it’s one of the most interesting and complex emotion a human has. Yet the way Isayama use it indeed seems and feels like a plot device. Though I disagree with that after rereading and analyzing her character details more (+ reading other people’s).

So I’m going to use this post to explain the questions for her character I often see in the internet (and as a personal note for myself).

Warning: potential manga spoiler ⚠ ⚠

Part 1: Why did Ymir return back to the king?

I think, the whole “because Ymir love Fritz” is an extremely surface take of this, because Ymir did not come back because of that. 

Beforehand, we must dive into the reason why Ymir even ran away from Fritz: 

Ymir has always want freedom. She may or not may understand that concept, but there is a want and interest in freedom. And one day, that want resurface when she saw three pigs being caged, reminding her of her own lack of freedom. So, she frees them.

You know the story, she free the pigs, the king ask who did it, threaten the slaves, and her fellow slaves point the blame on her (note here, they did not know that Ymir is the one who did the deed. They just see Ymir as the best candidate to become the black sheep due to her personality and age *further explanation below*)

So that leads to the king “freeing” Ymir by saying the words, but still asked his soldiers to chase after her (also a guess that the king ordered to take out Ymir’s eye cuz there’s a trail of blood on that part). 

So to get the point straight, Ymir’s first taste of “freedom” is something horrible. She’s being chased, she’s hurt, and she doesn’t feel safe. Let’s use the case of caged animals. Caged dogs who has been caged for the majority of its life is thirsty of freedom, yet the moment that dog is being freed to nature (forest, etc), the dog won’t survive due to the threat that it never met (wild animals, plants, dangerous landscapes, etc). At the end, that dog will wish to return back home. 

This is the exact thing happening to Ymir. Under King Fritz, Ymir at least doesn’t feel the fear or “unsafeness” when she’s being chased, or having the painful wounds.

The white flower above is highlighted because that is the realization that Ymir felt about freedom (cruel, fear, pain, etc).

PS: I don’t know if the king is doing this intentionally to use that psychology on Ymir, or is he simply a sadist but that’s not the point.

Part 2: Why did Ymir “love” her abuser?

Ymir became Fritz’s wife at age 14, and it said 4 years after she got her titan. Meaning Ymir became a titan at 10 years old.

10+13 = 23 (Ymir died at this age)

I don’t know the exact age when Ymir became a slave, but it’s definitely below 10 years old.

So with her innocent and naive self, she looks at the kissing couple, and thought that as love (even though we all know marriage doesn’t always mean love). That is the closest thing to romance that Ymir has ever witness.

The couple is smiling, the girl wear a pretty dress with flowers on top of her head, the people cheer for them. It’s happy and reminding Ymir of her life *completely opposite and filled with misery*, a reason why Ymir wish for it more (highlight that she’s also a child that is stripped away from that, so it has always been there yet never been explored).

Also adding the fact this is like 2000 years ago, meaning that love, romance, dating, etc is way rare and unexposed. So yeah, the closest thing Ymir saw regarding to romance is marriage.

Thus why, Ymir thought that Fritz love her when he take her as his concubine/wife. She thought it as love. Fritz is also the only person that Ymir can get love from, and because of that, she yearn it from him.

When she saw Fritz around other girls, I’m 100% sure she’s not happy, yet she doesn’t exactly know that it’s wrong (highlight the fact she’s still a teenager *uneducated one* here).

The point being made:

• Ymir never learn what love is

• The marriage couple shows the lack of happiness and love in Ymir’s life, and that want basically grow because of that scenery.

• Marriage is the ultimate/declaration of love for Ymir

• She doesn’t know how a spouse should treat their spouse

• Fritz is the only available person that can give what Ymir want

This is all resolve in her conclusion.

Part 3: Ymir’s personality

“You like her too, right?”

“Because she’s a kind girl who’s always thinking of others.”

“That’s why you should be someone everyone can love, who depends on others and on whom others can depend”

I think it’s easier if we think Ymir’s personality is someone like Christa. She’s the type of a “people pleaser” person. A person who love to please others. This is shown in the first scene of Ymir’s backstory: a small child helping adults to take the water from the well. 

Ymir Fritz is what people called “goddess” in both the real and Aot world (she literally got called that). In a world where the label “kind person” are given by how much you please other people (highlight Armin and Annie’s conversation).

In Marley, you are a “good Eldian” if you help the motherland by being a warrior/soldier/titan shifter that goes to the front line for Marley. In Paradis, you’re a “good soldier” if you help something the civilians acknowledge (retake Wall Maria, etc). Thus the scouts are never appreciated even when they are risking their lives, fighting tooth and nail for a bit of a progress, because that is something the people cannot see.

And this is exactly what happens in the real world too. A world where people mostly see the front of a person instead of inside. 

Act > thoughts (even though act could be an acting, and thoughts are the real one).

So yeah, this is one of the cause of Ymir’s extreme submissiveness towards her own goal (freedom), a complete opposite of Eren, who’s to determined for freedom.

[alphadaddyderek]

Dude, just get out! (we both live here dumbass!) (sterek fic, smut, college au)

Stiles was initially excited to go to college. The freedom aspect of it in particular is what Stiles was the most excited about. Don’t get him wrong, he loves his dad, of course, he does. He didn’t mind living with him, he liked seeing him on a daily basis. He’s all Stiles has. Well, Stiles has Scott, but Scott is attending university in Arizona of all places. Meanwhile, Stiles is going to NYU, so, there’s not a lot of opportunities to see Scott or his father in person.

Not to fret though! Stiles was ready like Freddy to meet new people and, hopefully, make new friends along the way. That’s what college is all about. Supposedly, Stiles wouldn’t know but if all the movies are to be believed then that’s what college is all about.

He and his dad spent days driving up to NYU and then spent hours moving Stiles’ belongings into his off-campus apartment and unpacking. Stiles got a full-ride —thank god— so there’s extra money for him to be able to live in an actual, nice apartment instead of the dorms. His roommate was nowhere to be seen at the time, but that was fine with Stiles. He’d have plenty of opportunities to get to know him. Stiles’ dad left to stay in a hotel for the night because there was no way he was starting the trek back to Beacon Hills this late in the day. So, Stiles was left to his own devices in his new apartment.

Well, he was for about twenty minutes, then his roommate came back and...he’s kind of a dick.

He has a resting bitch face and he hardly likes to talk. Stiles doesn’t know if it’s because the guy doesn’t like him or if he’s just the quiet type. He’s starting to think that the guy doesn’t like him because every time Stiles starts talking he looks annoyed. The dick’s name is Derek and coincidentally, he also goes to NYU. He did tell Stiles his major, but wouldn’t tell Stiles what his favorite color was, which is just plain rude.

Anyway, Stiles isn’t going to let this Debbie downer ruin his college experience, no way!

Stiles decides the best thing to do is to just ignore him. Which is hard to do because the guy takes up so much space, like, he’s actually huge. And he always seems to be in the apartment when Stiles comes back from classes. Which is weird because, dude, don’t you have classes to go to? Nonetheless, he’s always there which means Stiles has to see him all the time and Derek can continue being an asswipe for no reason.

For example, Stiles sometimes forgets to wash the dishes —sue him!— and Derek will chew him out for it. Stiles didn’t know Derek was such a neat freak, but now that he knows he’ll leave more things laying around because Stiles can also be a dick when he wants to be. Maybe Derek should learn to be more personable, then Stiles wouldn’t have to go out of his character by doing such petty things. They’ve only been living together for about a week and a half and there’s already a turf battle going on. Stiles isn’t sure who’s going to win this battle, however, the sight of Derek tripping over one of Stiles’ shoes and the subsequent curse that flies out of his mouth makes Stiles not even care in the end.

--------------

After about a month, it's way more than just a battle. The turf battle has evolved into a war and now, no one is safe.

Derek continues being yucky and Stiles continues to do things to intentionally annoy him, except, now Derek is doing things to annoy Stiles. Like, eating all of Stiles’ Pop-Tarts or, and this is a cruel one, flushing the toilet while Stiles is in the shower. Unfortunately for Stiles, Derek buys gross ass healthy food for himself, and Stiles couldn’t choke down that food to save his life. So, what can one do to even the playing field?

Derek is sitting on the couch in the living room, watching some show about underwater caves. Stiles normally wouldn’t stick around because, despite what Derek might think, Stiles really doesn’t enjoy being talked down to by an abnormally grumpy man. This time though, Stiles sits down beside him. He can see Derek watching him from the corner of his eye, probably waiting to see what Stiles is going to do. Stiles likes to instill fear in Derek. Normally he acts like Stiles is nothing more than a bug he wants to squish under his overly expensive boot, but now? He’s worried. He should be. Stiles is going to pull out his ultimate weapon.

“So, whatcha watchin’?” Stiles asks, plastering a smile onto his face.

Derek gives him a suspicious look. “Why do you want to know?”

Stiles shrugs, smile still present. “I’m curious. This show seems interesting.”

Derek gives him an incredulous eyebrow raise, which is super insulting. Derek thinks all Stiles watches is Harry Potter, Star Wars, and superhero movies. Which is just wrong. But that’s okay. Stiles thinks all Derek watches are documentaries about how to be a functioning human in society, which, newsflash Derek, still needs working on.

A few minutes go by before Stiles decides to speak again. “So, you haven’t told me about your family.”

“That’s intentional.”

Stiles laughs. Derek thinks he can scare Stiles into leaving him alone. Unfortunately for Derek, Stiles has zero self-preservation skills.

“Come on Derek. We’re roommates. Don’t you want us to get along?”

Derek didn’t dignify that with a response —rude!— so Stiles speaks again.

“My dad is the sheriff of my hometown. Been that way for as long as I can remember. My best friend, his name is Scott, wants to be a vet. He goes to The University of Arizona. After that he’s not sure where he’ll go to get his DVM but he’s open to anything.”

Derek turns the volume up on the tv and Stiles bites his lip to stifle his laughter.

Ah, Derek. That won’t help.

“At first I was kinda skeptical about Scott becoming a vet. I mean, he’s a puppy himself, and I love him to death, but sometimes he’s ditzy. He’s a ditzy brunette. But after working at Deaton’s, Deaton is the town vet, for years he’s proved me wrong,” Stiles risks a glance at Derek and he’s scowling so hard Stiles is kind of afraid it’ll get stuck that way forever. “He and his girlfriend, Allison, are kind of having issues with long-distance but they’re high school sweethearts so I’m confident that they’ll work through it. They’re so cute together that it’s actually kinda nauseating. Like, sometimes their sappiness makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder when they’ll get ma-”

Derek abruptly stands up and walks out the room, slamming and locking his bedroom door, as if Stiles is the boogeyman who he’s trying to keep out.

Stiles snickers and grabs the remote to change the channel. Derek gets annoyed when Stiles talks, well, he shouldn’t have started this war then (it doesn’t matter that technically Stiles started it). Stiles has weaponized his ability to talk people’s ears off. So, Derek better watch out.

Hopefully, Derek won’t murder Stiles in his sleep.

--------------

Okay, so, Stiles thinks maybe this whole turf war thing is getting out of hand.

It’s been a total of 3 and a half months since they’ve been living together and Derek and Stiles are on edge around each other 24/7. Stiles has to shower around eleven o’clock at night so that Derek won’t burn him alive by flushing the toilet. Derek doesn’t have access to Stiles’ snacks anymore because Stiles hid them in the back of his closet. Derek stays in his room all day just so that Stiles won't have any opportunities to talk to him. They’re at an impasse, but Stiles has a feeling that the worst has yet to come.

A really bad feeling.

Stiles comes back from a particularly grueling day of classes to see Derek sitting on the couch...and he’s smirking.

That doesn’t bode well for Stiles.

“Hello, Stiles.”

“Uh, hey dude. Why do you look like a supervillain?”

“‘Cause I have a surprise for you.”

Yeah, that definitely didn’t sound good.

“Actually, I am a-okay. I really don’t need the surprise. I appreciate it though,” Stiles tries to make his way towards his room but Derek keeps talking.

“I normally don’t snoop through people’s things, it’s really not in my character, but after you left to go out last night, I heard some weird noises coming from your room. I was trying to ignore it at first, but after a while I went to see what it was. I was going to mention it this morning but you woke up before I did and by the time I had woken up you were already in class.”

Stiles had stopped in his tracks but he still hasn’t turned around to face Derek, because if Derek is going where Stiles thinks he’s going, Stiles is going to need to be able to book it into his bedroom as soon as possible.

Derek didn’t seem too perturbed by Stiles’ silence since he continues with his story. “Imagine my surprise when I found out that it was your laptop making that noise. Now, I wasn’t surprised by the fact that porn was playing, but what I was surprised at-”

Oh god.

“-was that the video you were watching was titled ‘bear fucks twink with huge cock’. And now I can’t help but question your hatred towards me.”

Stiles’ face is burning. He’s never been so embarrassed in his life, which is really a great feat because Stiles doesn’t get embarrassed by much. It’s not that Stiles didn’t notice Derek was hot, like, come on now, Derek is gorgeous. He’s not that much taller than Stiles but the size of his biceps? They’re easily the size of Stiles’ thigh. Derek is bigger than Stiles in every aspect.

Well, he’s not sure about every aspect. Stiles has never seen Derek’s dick outright, but he’s seen him wear sweatpants, and ooh boy, that bulge gives Stiles the impression that Derek is hung like a horse.

Stiles still hates Derek because Derek still has his asshole-ish ways. Case in point: right the fuck now. But, you can hate someone and still want to fuck them, right? Hate sex exists.

Derek is patiently waiting for Stiles to respond, and Stiles has never been good at staying silent, so it’s only a matter of time.

Stiles finally turns around to face Derek and clears his throat. “That- that means nothing. People watch shit like that all the time. Plus, you hardly qualify as a bear.”

It’s a weak excuse but, hey, Stiles is grasping at straws here.

Derek tilts his head to the side in agreement. “True, but if that was the case, why do you seem so nervous?”

Stiles can’t think of a reasonable response in time and Derek knows it.

Derek smirks again and Stiles really wants to knee him in the dick.

“Do you wanna fuck me?”

Stiles narrows his eyes at Derek. What the fuck is his endgame here? Why is he being such a dick?

Oh yeah, because Derek is a fucking asshole.

“Fine,” Stiles says through gritted teeth. “I find you attractive. I watch porn about big, hairy men fucking twinks because I want you to fuck me. Are you happy now? Jackass.”

Stiles storms into his room and slams the door. That’s a perfect example of why people can’t be pretty and nice. It’s genetically impossible.

Stiles lets out a sigh and dumps his backpack on his bed before stripping out of his clothes and getting into the shower. He stands under the spray for ten minutes, just praying to the cosmic gods out there that a black hole will appear and suck the whole human race into nothingness. After waiting for a few more minutes, and his prayers going unanswered, he washes himself then gets out to dry off. He wraps the towel around his waist and opens the door to find Derek standing outside his bathroom door. He shrieks (a very manly shriek by the way) and covers his chest with his arms, not that that’ll hide much.

“Derek, what the fuck are you doing?”

Derek’s eyes do the slowest sweep in fucking existence down Stiles’ body and Stiles feels his cheeks flush. Ugh, why are the cutest guys always assholes?

“I came to apologize. I was being a dick-”

“What else is new?” Stiles interrupts. Stiles is rewarded with another smirk.

“-and I took it too far. I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”

Stiles looks at Derek for a second. They’ve never apologized to each other when they did shit, and even though Stiles didn’t take it as far as Derek did, Stiles can’t stand here and act like he wasn’t also an asshole.

Stiles sighs. “I’m sorry too. I was also kind of a dick. Not as much as you, but still.”

Derek laughs a little, and Jesus H. Christ, how is a laugh sexy? “Apology accepted.”

Stiles holds his hand out for a handshake. Derek puts his hand in Stiles’ and they shake on their newfound not-friendship-but-also-maybe-not-complete-dicks-to-each-other-ship.

“So,” Derek starts after they drop their hands. “wanna have sex?”

Stiles might’ve actually choked on his own fucking spit, because what?

“What?”

“I asked if you wanted to have sex.”

“Where is this even coming from? You hate my guts. Every time I talk you look like you’re going in for a root canal.”

Stiles is so confused, he’s also getting hornier by the minute, but right now, the confusion is outweighing the horniness.

“I don’t hate you. Yeah you talk a lot, and it was so annoying at first, sometimes it still is, but I got used to your incessant chatter.”

Stiles knows he looks dumb, his mouth is gaping and everything. “I think maybe there was something in the water because I must be high. We’ve lived together for over 3 months and you’re telling me that you actually want to have sex with me?”

Derek shrugs. “Yeah. Just because you can be kinda annoying that doesn’t mean you’re not cute. Plus, people have sex all the time, that doesn’t mean we have to, like, date or whatever.”

Stiles rolls his eyes. Derek’s so romantic, how has Stiles been able to resist jumping his bones for this long?

“You just embarrassed the hell out of me, why would I ever want to have sex with you?” Never mind the fact that Stiles definitely does want to have sex with him.

“Maybe you don’t. If not, then fine. We can just go back to how things were. If you do, then we’ll have a great time.”

Stiles is still struggling to wrap his mind around all of this. Derek wants to have sex with him? In what universe does that make sense?

Apparently in this one.

Stiles does this sort of shrug that basically portrays well, what the fuck? Okay then. “Okay. I guess this is happening then.”

Derek smirks for like the fiftieth time in thirty seconds and if Stiles was a stronger man he definitely would’ve kneed Derek in the dick, but clearly, Stiles is weak.

Very, very weak.

“My room or yours?” Derek asks.

“Mine. Since it’s right there,” Stiles points behind Derek and, lo and behold, there’s Stiles’ bed.

Grabbing Stiles’ hand in a surprisingly gentle gesture, Derek walks the three feet from the bathroom to the bed to lay Stiles down.

Derek gets on top of the bed and is sitting on his knees by Stiles’ feet. He pulls his shirt off like he’s in Magic Mike or something before throwing it onto the floor without a care in the world. Jesus, it’s like his muscles have muscles. Stiles starts feeling a little insecure about his body. He’s got muscles, but, he’s not, like, ripped like Derek is. Stiles likes to think he has somewhat of a swimmer’s body.

Looming over him like a fucking creeper, Derek stares down at Stiles. “You know, you’re very pretty.”

Stiles refuses to admit that he blushes at that because he’s not pretty. If anything he’s handsome, some may even say gorgeous.

“Can you just get on with it?” Stiles throwing a scowl in Derek’s direction.

“Bossy. I kinda like that,” he strips his sweatpants off and throws them down too. Now he’s only in a pair of gray boxer briefs and, god, Stiles wants to suck his dick so badly. Which is weird because he’s really not all that experienced with blowjobs, he’s given maybe two blowjobs in his life. Whatever, Derek has a great dick okay?

Derek tugs at the towel around Stiles’ waist. “Is this okay?”

Stiles nods and then the towel is gone, and Stiles is laid bare for Derek to gaze at his leisure. And boy does Derek gaze. He does another slow sweep down Stiles’ body, except this time it’s even more intense because now Stiles is naked.

“You’re not a virgin right?” Derek asks while rummaging through Stiles’ bedside drawer and pulling out the lube. First of all, it’s rude to go through people’s stuff! Second of all, how the hell did Derek know his lube was there? Although, where else would lube be?

“Nope. There will be no deflowering of the Stiles today. Sorry to disappoint.”

Derek shrugs before popping open the lube. “I’m not one of those weirdos who pops a boner at the thought of popping someone’s cherry.”

Stiles chuckles, like actually chuckles. Who knew Derek was even capable of being funny?

Stiles pulls his legs up and hooks his hands behind his knees. The position exposes Stiles’ hole to the extreme and it makes Stiles blush. Just because he’s not a virgin doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get nervous or embarrassed during sex.

Derek knee-walks closer to Stiles and squirts some lube onto his fingers. He puts one hand on Stiles’ right thigh while the other one gently and slowly breaches his entrance. Fuck, his fingers are thick. Thicker than Stiles’ that’s for sure. Stiles definitely isn’t shy about fingering. He fingers himself all the time, but it’s been a while since someone else’s fingers were up there. Stiles is nervous and excited about it all.

Derek doesn’t spend too much time with the one finger, quickly adding a second one and that’s when it starts feeling good. Derek’s fingers are about an inch away from his prostate and Stiles is about to curse him out until Derek presses both fingers against his prostate and Stiles has to bite his lip to stop the loud ass moan that almost escaped his mouth. Judging by the look on Derek’s face, he knows he touched Stiles’ prostate, and being the asshole that he is, he has a cocky smile on his face.

After scissoring those two fingers inside Stiles for a few minutes, Derek adds a third finger. The stretch is definitely there, but hey, Stiles likes a little pain with sex. He can be kinky sometimes.

“Okay. I’m ready, come on,” Stiles says. He was starting to get impatient. He just wants to get dicked down already, damn.

Derek gently removes his fingers and gets off the bed to pick up his sweatpants. He reaches into the pocket and retrieves a condom out. Stiles’ mouth drops.

“So you just knew I’d have sex with you?”

“I didn’t know. I just hoped.”

That smarmy little bastard.

Derek gets back in bed and, finally, removes his briefs and...

Holy mother of god.

Well, maybe not the mother of god. That’s blasphemous as fuck. But! The sentiment is the same because wow. Stiles is glad he didn’t knee him in the dick because that dick is too gorgeous to cause serious injury to. He’s not like porn star big, but it is big and long too. And it’s uncut, which Stiles has a weird sort of kink about. He loves uncut cocks. Yeah, that’s a good-looking cock right there.

Derek unwraps the condom and rolls it onto his cock. He then grabs the bottle of lube that he placed on the bed and squirts more out before slathering a generous amount onto said cock. He makes Stiles move his hands before replacing them with one of his own, the other is at the base of his cock, lining it up to Stiles’ hole.

“You ready baby?” Derek asks.

“Call me baby again and I’ll dropkick you in the throa- oh fuck.”

Of course, Derek chose when Stiles was mid-threat to start pushing his cock inside. Geez, that is seriously a big cock, even the fingering didn’t make it burn any less. Derek gently pushes his cock in deeper before pulling it out, then he pushes it in a little deeper than he did at first before pulling it back out again. He repeats that until his cock is seated all the way inside, his balls to Stiles’ ass. Then he stops and waits. There’s sweat gathering above Derek’s eyebrow and some is even rolling down his temple. Needless to say, Derek isn’t as unaffected as he’s trying to be. Which makes Stiles feel kind of great actually.

“Okay, you can move now,” Stiles informs Derek. And when Stiles says Derek goes to town, he really means that.

Derek puts his other hand behind Stiles’ left knee and pulls out all the way, not even the tip is inside, before thrusting back in. Hard.

Stiles’ breath gets forced out of him at the movement. This truly is hate sex, kinda. Derek said he didn’t hate Stiles, but he certainly doesn’t like him all that much. At least, not yet. Who knows what will stem from this. That’s something to think about when Derek isn’t pounding him into the mattress.

Derek delivers a thrust that nails Stiles’ prostate dead on and Stiles makes this super embarrassing sound, like a high-pitched keen. He knows he’s not going to live that down after this.

After that, Derek is consistent with the hard abuse on Stiles’ prostate, and Stiles is getting close to orgasm embarrassingly fast. He isn’t too sure he’ll be able to last much longer. Although, Derek doesn’t seem like he’s going to be able to either. If the grunts and groans he’s letting out are anything to go by.

“Unh, fuck. Derek-!”

“Yeah, you’re gonna come?”

Stiles frantically nods his head and grabs his own cock to start stroking himself. Derek thrusts harder if that’s even possible, and within a few seconds, Stiles is coming all over his stomach.

“Fuck, Stiles,” Derek groans and thrusts one, two, three more times before stopping with a deep, guttural moan. He almost sounds like an actual bear and Stiles can’t help the giggle that escapes him.

Derek gives him a weird look but his lip quirks up in a maybe sort of smile. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh nothing,” Stiles gives him a shit-eating grin.

And since it’s already been established that Derek is an asshole, he grinds and his cock brushes against Stiles’ oversensitive prostate causing Stiles’ whole body to convulse. He slaps Derek’s arm.

Derek pulls out and lets go of Stiles’ legs. They’re sore from being in the same position for so long but Stiles can’t even care. He’s sated and all he wants to do now is take a nap. Stiles stretches his whole body like a cat while Derek disposes of the condom.

“Okay, that was fun. If you want to annoy me, I’ll be in my room.” And with that, Derek walks out of Stiles’ room to go to his own.

Derek was definitely a dick, but Stiles could deal with him. Especially if they continue to fuck like that.

Holy (not) mother of god indeed.

[chakazard]

The enduring image we have of Lou Reed is that of the ultimate cold, cruel, New York asshole, sunglasses hiding the absence of feeling in his eyes and leather jacket approximating the skin so thick it might as well not be there. But his songs tell a tale of uncertainty, of deep emotions, of an inner identity that is constantly struggling with the outer. Sometimes fitting a bit too well, sometimes never further, and always pinging back to the other extreme when it’s afraid it’s gone too far. His songwriting has had a major effect on generations of people in similar boats, seeking themselves in the reflections of others, forcing on images that never fit quite right no matter how much they are adjusted.

First, take the songs that Nico sings on that brilliant first album. Although none were necessarily written for her, it’s hard not to imagine that Lou allowed her to sing the songs that he had written that resonated with him due to their relationship. Femme Fatale is as much about the insecurity of the fool who falls for the cold allure as it is about the woman herself. All Tomorrow’s Parties is about a costume that the poor girl wears (a clown, like the other character in Femme Fatale), in a vain attempt to stave off sorrow. And the amazing I’ll Be Your Mirror, shows two characters entwined. Nico is singing Lou’s words and displacing him as the face of his art. In this song he projects his insecurity on the other, and promises to prop her up. This is the infinite reflection of humanity. This is describing your pain as someone else’s. This is a song of self reflection wrapped up as a love song. Is it the mirror or the reflection, and which are you? It’s trying to find a way to love yourself by loving someone else more and hoping that bounces back to you like the sun light bouncing off the moon. But of course that fails as well, because that displaced care never does bounce back. And the relationship is spoiled, Lou resents Nico for taking his songs, Nico resents Lou for his jealousy, Nico leaves him for John Cale and Lou sees like he’s taken this artsy weirdo persona as far as it's going to go and pings in the opposite direction, swimming straight into the arms of sweet old hard and dirty rock and roll.

Lou Reed was a master of burying his feelings under something or someone else so he’d always have the plausible deniability necessary to remain cool. To remain outside. Just observing, man. Just telling you how fucked you are, man. Look at Heroin. Here’s the secret, which isn’t much of one if you’ve been reading. The song ain’t about drugs. That’s just a nice drone to get the receptors in your brain and skin tuned in so either you miss the point completely or you get absolutely hit over the head with it. It’s about isolation (away from the big city/where a man cannot be free), it’s about not being able to accept who you are (i wish that i was born a thousand years ago), it’s about trying to escape the disgust of being an empathic person in a world that just keeps breaking everyone but you can’t let anyone know so you dress it up in a costume just like Thursday’s girl. Just like Lou.

The brilliant device of the “Somebody Says” songs. You don’t think “Candy Says” was a vehicle for Lou Reed to explore his relationship with his own body and gender? You don’t think “Lisa Says” is another exploration of Lou’s insecurity? You don’t think “Stephanie Says” is about Lou feeling again rejected and isolated and that it is either caused by his Alaskan iciness, or results from it, or both to the point that s/he’s stuck between worlds? The song itself gets recycled from Stephanie into Caroline, with added weight and age that slow it down. But identities were meant to be recycled.

I don’t know maybe I’m projecting myself onto Lou too much here. But there’s so much in the songs it’s hard not to. Sterling Morrison couldn’t play on Pale Blue Eyes because of the overwhelming personal emotion. Even though the girl’s eyes weren’t blue. It’s another, trivial deflection that still puts the space between the truth of the situation and the art. Or maybe, i don’t know man, it just sounds better. Rock n’ roll is about sound as much as anything else. If it were just about the words we’d call it literature and then we’d all be in trouble. Imagine having to study this shit in school? What a drag.

The Lou Reed persona in the Velvet Underground ended up being just that, armor that anyone could slide into, or at least Doug Yule did when Lou pinged right out of the rock’n’roll world altogether and got a nondescript office job after leaving the band. One of my favorite stories of rock lore is Bowie going to see the Velvets and gushing over getting to meet Lou, only it’s not Lou it’s Doug. Lou just shed his skin enough intact for someone else to put it on. Because it’s the weight he just couldn’t take anymore. Any identity becomes a weight when it stops ringing true and it’s more about the expectation of the costume than it is about the person and their feelings. And when you can’t even let on that you have feelings in the first place it’s all going to be too much.

To touch on two of Lou’s descendants before I wrap it up.

Michael Stipe, intentionally or not, inherited the trick of hiding your psychological self-examination in songs that are dressed up as if they’re about someone else. Be Mine is so akin to I’ll Be Your Mirror, it’s trying to be a love song, but the narrator can’t escape their own reflection and almost every line has an I, not a you. Crush With Eyeliner uses an object of affection as an excuse to play with one’s own identity without having to admit you’re actually trying to be sincere and find yourself. You’d expect a love song to be called At Your Most Beautiful. Stipe writes At My Most Beautiful. So many examples. Seeking yourself in the light of another and never getting there because you’re not looking directly on.

Ezra Furman titles the first chapter of their book on Lou Reed’s Transformer “Fuck You Leave Me Alone Don’t Read My Book.” A similar sentiment to her song “Come Here, Get Away From Me.” They’re Lisa, craving affection but looking down on anyone who would give it to her. She’s Stephanie, losing everyone because she’s cold and distant or being cold and distant because everyone left. Ezra says “One of the things Lou Reed and I have in common is an eagerness to look to others for behavioral guidelines...You’re hiding your real self- or...don’t know if you even have a real self--so you become purely a reaction to other people.” And goes on to quote Lou “When I’m not (writing) I’m just kind of empty, I don’t have a personality of my own, I just pick up other people’s personalities.” And I felt that too.

I don’t know who I am underneath everything. Like Courtney Barnett “I take pieces of myself from everyone around me/I’m not individual enough for you.” Maybe in these songs I can find something I can hang my skin on and examine it enough until I know who’s underneath. Or maybe they’re just rock ‘n roll. I don’t know myself but I hear that can save a life. And you know it was all right.

[skyfcx]

they tricked me. they tricked me like brendan dassey in making a murderer. from knuckles!

Content! Come get’cher content! || Prompt

     “Woah... hey now! Look, you’re not the first t’fall for a dirty ploy like that one and I guarantee y’won’t be the last. The way they’re allowed to get away with this highway robbery is criminal, I say. Criminal!”

     The world could be cruel and uncaring when it desired to be. For every heartful soul looking to brighten another’s day, there was a malicious personality looking to turn soil said day for some semblance of personal profit. Sad as it may be, greed was able to manifest anywhere, it was fact to call it a universal constant. Anywhere you went, its traces could be felt for miles.

     Nowhere was this fact more prevalent than at the Emerald Coast summertime boardwalk, the savages. Gaze outward on the countless attractions: marked up ice cream bars and bottles of water to prey on the hot and muggy public, bodies swamped with sweat during their voyages for merriment underneath the beating sun. Such is what they are promised in the apparel shops, their walls lined with nostalgia-exploiting collectables and memorabilia abound, each fridge magnet and or branded T-shirt crafted by pit fiends both high and low. 

     And... worst of all... the dreaded claw machine. The stealer of coins, rings, and dollars alike, the twinkling lure of plushies enough to hook in any soul in with the temptation of an adorable toy to take home. After all, who could deny the appeal of Chao that squeak when squeezed?! All that and more for performing a task that couldn’t be any simpler! You guide the claw above the toy you seek, press the button, and a prize should have been won! 

     Yet time and time again would you falter and fail on this childish of missions, the cusp of victory more and more tantalizing every time the grip faltered and sent your rightful prize back into the pile. It spawned anger, it wounded one’s pride. Creating the perfect tool to pull you back in to spend even more money to repeat, repeat, and repeat some more... Perhaps this time, or this time! Surely this time!

     It was the perfect scheme, a scam that anyone in their right mind could fall for... Sadly, Knuckles was no different, and just like that was he, like many others, used and abused for the sake of monetary gain. 

     A glove fell to Knuckles’ back, hand rubbing comforting circles. “If it makes y’feel any better, the thing is actually literally rigged. Here, look   ” A head nods toward the candy-coated torture device. “Look at how weak the claw strength is. They altered it so that it intentionally doesn’t have enough power to pick up most of the prizes. Not without said prize then falling out after the vibrations of the crane’s stop-and-go motions shakes it free, at least. 

     And there, the big-ticket items? Check out where they’re placed. They’re tucked away in the corners, over where the crane’s track has trouble reaching.”

     ...Hm. A thought, sights dropping to a half-lidded gaze as a scheming grin lined the fox’s face. A plot was being devised, body growing closer to Knuckles as the voice was lowered to a whisper. “Now, I’m not one to typically condone revenge, but I think I can work a bit of my tech-guy magic on this thing so it’ll start playin’ a little more fairly. That is, if you’re in a revenge kinda mood~.”

[sapphicwhxre]

tiny pansy rant, cut short so it’s *hopefully* not too long:

i. wanted. to. see. her. change! and in my opinion the reason she never got the chance was because jkr used her character to make fun of people she disliked :/

pretty much all the other noteable slytherins had some sort of redemption arc,, and yeah they’re still mostly problematic people but they got chances: snape, draco, narcissa, regulus, slughorn, leta and technically andromeda? you get the point i just—

like miss ma’am decided to make pansy,, the like slytherin stereotype? and have her want to betray harry? she was seventeen ffs, not bellatrix lestrange. she was in the middle of a war? in my personal opinion i don’t think that she wanted to hand harry over out of cruelty like. it’s possible? but maybe she was just scared? also don’t we know that pansy was terrified at the thought of like. voldemort coming to hogwarts? again: everyone expects all of the children in harry potter to be these selfless brave individuals,, they’re kids :( yes ik it’s ya fantasy but cmon. they were supposed to be stressed about the N.E.W.T exams not the upheaval of their society?

and don’t get me wrong i know that she was. not a good person. she was a bitchy teenage bully who was taught hateful views. but i wanted to see her change even a little– even draco marries someone who presumably teaches him how to treat people equally? like. there was so much room for change: she was a prefect, she was capable of some kindness seeing as she liked draco, or alternatively, we could’ve seen her break away from draco and potentially stop hating harry/all his friends quite so much or develop her own opinions. or maybe her group of friends that she used for validation throughout her school years was uprooted during the war and she had to learn that independency? or her pointing out harry could’ve been turned into trying to be selfless, like she thought they’d be safe that way, or she returned later fighting with reinforcements to show she was on Hogwarts’ side. jkr is always like "well they technically came back to fight, if you squint » but that’s not enough. also? let’s say we did get a glimpse of her during the actual battle: there could’ve been anything, the smallest scene, that showed some sort of support or reconciliation or something between her and hermione, considering how hermione was often pansy’s target. everybody wants to see forgiveness between draco and harry because of minor events/details (i dislike drarry but that’s besides the point), but imagine what could’ve changed with some semblance of apology or assistance from pansy to hermione. there were so many chances for r*wling to give her a smallest redemption

but instead we got her characterized as evil and a stupid, cowardly traitor. she the only person we ever see her care for marries her friends younger sister. she’s the written depiction of jkr’s bitterness and her arc is jkr’s vengeance.

also, another reason that i’m so mad she got nothing is because of the whole slytherin=evil thing. she’s made into a stereotype of a “slytherin”— cruel, selfish, shallow, ugly, and asinine. (also i could rant about slytherin forever, but can we just mention that jkr consistently refers to slytherins as physically ugly and just how fucked up that is? i– wtf). but anyway: to give pansy a chance to change is to give the slytherin house a chance to change its reputation. trying to justify that the slytherin house got its redemption because of the actions of ppl like snape or regulus, etc isn’t possible. because all of those “slytherin heroes” were described again and again as being “different from all the other slytherins”. they set themselves apart by being decent. they weren’t normal slytherins, no, they were set apart, they were brave and smart and kind— not evil. there’s no redemption to be found there. i wish jkr would just fucking say that being sorted into slytherin was being made into a villain. she dodged around it with rhetorical questions and pointing out how not All of them are bad,, and then will go on to mock the other slytherins and talk about how the heroes were Not Like The Other Snakes... again: there’s no redemption of slytherin as a house, as a quality, as a concept there. it’s just the redemption of an individual.

in pansy, however, we could’ve found so much more. like i said, she’s The Average Slytherin: not a hero, not a villain like voldemort. she’s made out to be a depiction of the typical slytherin student, one without a “destiny”, so to speak. and so to give her the chance, to see her change, to have her redefine herself? that would be a starting point for restoring slytherin as a whole (obviously not the best way, and the real best thing to do would be not to make an entire house be the bad guys in the first place, but–) to have someone who’s the figurehead of slytherin (like actually a figurehead,, girl is a even a prefect) show remorse and growth gives the entire house the seed of redemption. it would mean that after over a thousand years there could be peace between the houses. obviously not the only factor in reconciliation but still so important.

and not to just continue to heap on my own issues with it, but look. i know that there are so many other ways to introduce “mundane” antagonists without making them a symbol of anything. pansy could’ve been a bitch without representing slytherin. also pansy doesn’t have to break character and become kind for amends to be made. they don’t even have to be fully made, just started. but jkr chose to:

a.) go with bullying as a minor antagonistic element

b.) create and develop a character around that theme

c.) make this character only based on her own negative personal experiences

d.) turn that character into a representation of a much larger group of people

e.) deny that character any final moment that could begin to make amends for her actions and instead, chooses to make her “defining” moment an act of evil and cowardice

f.) either neglects the character or chooses plot points that would humiliate the character in all the glimpses of the future we are shown (ex. how dracos marriage is)

g.) openly mocks and insults the character repeatedly and never directly comes out and proves she didn’t write slytherins as evil

h.) to the best of my knowledge, ignores that pansy personifing slytherin, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and then characterizing both as “bad” and not giving them a chance to grow, is a summary of her thoughts on slytherin ls and is a possible interpretation of the text (i mean her opinions are already TRASH)

i. ignores the consequences of this or the possible effect it has on her entire fanbase and doesn’t seek to remedy it

but yeah, jkr, it was such a good idea to base a character off of your loathesone memories, take your anger out on her, and that choose to have that character partially represent a large percentage of your fanbase. thank you sooooo much. i really appreciate it!

summary:

I. Pansy— deserved an opportunity to have some character development. everyone else’s mistakes get overlooked to some degree save hers. had so many places to draw inspiration/opportunity from. could’ve progressed other ideas in the book and the analysis of her house while still remaining a “dislikable” character

II. Writing— from a “technical?” aspect, Pansy is underdeveloped and stagnant, used for personal reasons instead of as a plot device. perpetuates the slytherin=bad idea via a sloppy and repetitive characterization and emblem. there are ways around this that weren’t used.

III. I have no qualifications to be saying any of this lmao. Am I reading to much into it, knowing that Rowling tends to be shitty with writing details? Am I being dramatic and repetitive? probably!

IV. Fuck JKR (for everything. she’s an awful person)

anyways this has been: my mini-rant on pansy and her analysis,,, and i am terribly sorry,, i offer my apologies in advance for randomly dumping this into your inbox. it’s long and opinionated and there’s no real reason behind it! i just thought of it and then thought about it some more and then. here we are

ilysm mwah <3 should’ve definitely done something more productive but shh😭 rat brain hours

this is everything, you're completely right. i don't have much to add but i agree all the way. and people give pansy so much shit for the harry thing but she seemed genuinely scared of voldemort coming back and i really think that she believed he would leave them alone if they gave him up. from her perspective, it's either her and the people she cares about get to live or this guy that she not only isn't close to but probably sees as the bad guy considering she dated/was best friends with draco and witnessed their rivalry from his side. did she make the best decisions? no, not at all but i see her reasons and i don't think it makes her this antichrist that jkr makes her out to be. she pulled the “he's just a boy” with draco and had people sympathise with him when he did so so much worse than pansy did so why doesn't that apply to her? she's a kid. they all are. i love harry, ron, and hermione SO MUCH but jkr really said fuck everyone who isn't them ─ especially any girl who isn't her precious hermione. she projected her own pettiness onto fictional characters who are CHILDREN and proceeded to get upset when people connected to and loved other people that she herself made. creating such an underdeveloped character and expecting people to hate her just because she imagined her as her bully is beyond immature and ridiculous. anyways. jkr take a fucking chill pill and leave my girl alone.

[charlettebffxiv]

Prompt #17 Destruct

“So, what happens when you can’t keep one?” Maxim stood with his hands on the handle of his rake, the pile of leaves they had been collecting having grown almost as tall as him. Autumn was arriving, and with it the leaves had started to tumble. Willow’s Heart, like most Gridanian-esque villages, was lined with trees all throughout the winding roads and flanking forest. Which meant, plenty of mulch to be found for the Greenhouse, and other projects, and lots and lots of leaves, seeds and nuts to trip, slip and fall into. Charlette had just finished raking a fine mess of them up to the second mountain they had built so far, looking up at Maxim as she wrestled it along. “What? You mean an aberration? Depends on what kind, really. They come in different forms. Enchanted items, crystals, magitek devices, aberrant creatures, ‘afflicted’ or ‘affected’ people.” One of Maxim’s white-blond eyebrows lifted, you could barely see it was there against his pale skin. “What’s the difference between ‘afflicted’ and ‘affected?” turning her rake over, and using it to scoop up the leaves, Charlette dumped them atop the pile, watching plenty scatter back down anyway. “It is simple, really. One is always a victim, the other’s condition was intentional.” Maxim walked around their autumn monument, cleaning up the edges, every leaf swept into it. Neat, orderly, Charlette approved of his technique. “So, like, if someone experimented on me and gave me, say, webbed feet and fingers against my will? That’s afflicted?” Charlette nodded “And if you intentionally experimented with forbidden magics to give yourself webbed fingers and toes, you would be affected. Not the words I would have chosen, but I didn’t write the manuals.”

“Alright, well then, what happens with all of those, if you can’t keep it? Say it’s just too dangerous, like it explodes if you sneeze too close to it.” Bobocufu’s Apprentice Botanist Dylan had pulled his chocobo cart round to their side, and the both of them were hauling their collection into the back of it as they spoke. Pitch forks swung back and forth, their rhythm quite in-sync. Their words were a little wheezy from the effort. “Well, enhanced items can sometimes be destroyed on sight. That is a common one when the item is too big, or too dangerous to transport. They teach a few useful techniques for it, depending on your team composition and specialty. Guardians, like me, learn how to neutralize aether in small areas, but with time and chance, we can completely neutralize an object. Revert it back to being just a bowl or knife or whatever it is. Same with crystals.'' Their work was finished quickly, Charlette and Maxim waving to Dylan as he nudged the chocobo into action and took away a twelvemoon’s supply of mulch. “And if you don’t have a Guardian? What then?” Charlette was not sure if she should be telling Maxim this, then again he is a Willow’s Heart native. Born and bred here. His family must know nearly everything by now, might as well help him along. “If you are an Arcanist of the Order, you may know a similar technique as Guardians, but more concentrated. Usually disposal falls to the Arcanists, so they are the most prepared for it. If this fails though, there is always option number two: destroy it.” Now Maxim was focused, the man having a somewhat worrying delight towards explosives and anything else capable of creating fire. “Arcanists can manage magic strong enough to melt metal, turn entire houses into ashes, burn trees to the ground, freeze constructs and shatter them to pieces. There is a wealth of options for them. If you are a trained Agent of the Order, you generally will know how to make some explosives. A large bomb is an effective ‘neutralizing’ method as well.” Maxim nodded, like he was agreeing with Charlette. She supposed this was a subject that at least he could be about as correct as she would. “What about creatures and people?” It was here that Charlette went quiet, just packing away their tools into their own cart. Hauling herself up into the driver’s seat, Maxim sitting next to her and taking the reins and getting the bo moving. Seems he was patient this sun. The cart trundled down the road, leaves shivering about in the back. Maxim finally turned to Charlette, nudging her with his elbow “Well? That’s long enough. Give up the gory details, do you have giant mouse traps for oversized, aberrant rodents?” That thought was a little horrifying “No, though that would be funny, and horrible. Can you imagine the clean-up for such a thing? Ugh.” She gave a short shiver. Maxim having evoked some all too similar memories of missions passed “With creatures it can sometimes be much the same, though if you use any kind of neutralizing techniques that involve stopping or removing their aether, they generally die. And it is not a pleasant thing to witness or inflict on anything living. It is slow, and they panic, slowly get more and more tired and weaker, they stop trying to run after a little while. Then they just lay down, and die.” Maxim’s brows had furrowed, and his mouth was in a comically deep frown, creasing his cheeks and chin. “That’s grim Charlette, you’ve ruined my good mood.” She rolled her eyes. “Well, then you should not have asked. I find I prefer a bomb, or pyrotechnics that do not waste time and get it over with immediately, but it is not always an option. Aberrations can be incredibly resistant, by design or by adaptation. Sometimes taking the aether is the only way you can harm them. The hardest part is simply that it is not their fault. Never, not when it is a beastkin, or vilekin, or any kin that is not, well us.” Her driving companion needed a little moment to think that through. The differences between their experiences showing a little in his moment of thought. His life in the village and surrounding forest was not devoid of violence, but certainly lacked in the kind Charlette had seen, and had to be a part of. Cruel pragmatism in the face of Conservationist Optimism. It was a strange pairing. “I suppose I can get it. Nature is cruel like that too, sometimes. There’s usually a sense to it though, a reason but without a selfish designer, you know? No insane Arcanist, or deranged Thaumaturge behind it all. No corrupt Conjurer or tempered Mage. Just The Shroud, the forest, keeping itself as it is.” Charlette’s shoulder bumped into his, but not from the sway of the cart. “You sound morose Maxim. Let’s talk about something else.” He looked at her and shook his head “Nah, I’m fine. Just one more thing to go anyway, what happens with the people?” She was hoping to avoid this one. Their arrival at the Greenhouse gave her a precious moment of distraction as they prepared to unload. Leaves hauled into the compost, Chocobo released from the cart and walked back to the stables and their tools set in the shed. Both of them pulled off their overalls and scrubbed the dirt from their arms and faces at the water trough. “People are the hardest part.” Maxim was tying back his long, now slightly damp hair into the tail he usually wore it in, Charlette’s words catching him with a little surprise “What? Oh, yeah. I mean, I thought they would be. Stuff is just stuff, and I guess we’ve all seen animals getting the short end of the stick at some point. What makes it so hard?” Charlette knelt over the trough, running her arm under the tap as water poured out, scrubbing from wrist to shoulder. “That it is never obvious what you need to do. If they are too dangerous to allow to be free, but can be contained, they are. Usually by local authorities if they are capable of doing so, or by us if it is an extreme case. No, I’m not telling you where or how.” That was an actual secret, and she also didn’t think he was ready to know about the stasis process. Few people are, she wasn't when she learned how to do it. “But if they are too dangerous to be contained, or allowed free again, and if they do not self-destruct in the encounter. Well, we kill them. In much the same way as the creatures.” Maxim was moving a little slower now, his thoughts taking precedence on his focus “That’s rather harsh, don’t you think? Afflicted and affected alike?” Charlette nodded, finally more or less clean, and pulled her shirt over her head. “There’s generally no choice when it comes down to that, they often force our hand, whether they meant to or not. It just needs to be done, despite it being a desperately unfortunate situation, it needs to happen. So we do it.” She turned around, her top needing a few laces tied at the back, which Maxim attends to easily. He’s quite nimble with his long fingers. “I’m sorry you have to.” “I am not. It’s a good purpose to have.” “So is Botany, you know. Making life, and you still get to end some if that’s all you’re after.” Once finished he pats her on the shoulder, both of them looking a sight better than before. She does need to wipe a soil stain from Maxim’s nose though, which she does so with spit and a hard rub of her thumb, to his annoyance. “I know. It is partly why I am not rushing them about the hearing. I have… rather enjoyed helping things live, instead of destroying them, for a change.” He was still wiping at his nose with a sleeve, making it look extra red against his pallor. “Yeah, well, you’re welcome to hang around as long as you want. I’m gonna miss you when you’re back to murdering for the good of us all.” “Please don’t call it that.” “Sorry. Fixing things? Sounds a bit better. Like you’re an engineer.” he winked, Charlette gave him what he wanted and rolled her eyes again, with a big sigh, then started walking back home. Maxim ran to catch-up with her. She liked that though, being a ‘fixer’. She had never thought of it that way, and you know what? It helped, with that sadness that hangs around it all.

[anguyen06]

WGST Blog Post #4 (due 09/16)

How has the programming of search algorithms affected certain groups?

“Algorithmic oppression,” as Noble uses, is one of the ways how search algorithms can have a negative impact on certain groups. The reading mentions examples of algorithmic oppression by sharing that when searching up black women, Latinas, and Asians, the searches would be paired with pornographic material or sexual references (Nobles, 2018). The problem with these associations is not only the blatant sexism, but the stereotyping that will occur as a result of these associations. An example of the type of stereotyping that occurred as a result of these algorithms is associating Asian women as submissive. These algorithms have a direct and indirect effect on these groups, which, in this case, are women of color.

Names can be seen to be sacred and important to many cultures. (But) How has “unique” or family names affected individuals in the United States?

In a few Asian countries, names can be seen to be sacred according to their family clan and/or background. In the United States, however, names are often chosen by aesthetic or by common names. The differences in cultures and emphasis of names creates a barrier between these people. Foreigners or people of color with unique spelling/pronunciations have the risk of being labeled “weird” or “exotic”. Many European descendants might discriminate against African American names, such as “Unneq”, or Asians, with its difficult pronunciation, by intentionally pronouncing the name wrong. In most cases, it has led to stereotyping or ridiculing of the name. Though having an “exotic” name is not nearly as cruel as having a “weird” name, the negative connotation of that label insinuates that having an uncommon name is not normal. One other negative aspect of having a recognizable or family name is the possibility of being racially profiled. In the article, “depending on one’s name, one is more likely to be detained by state actors in the name of ‘public safety’” (Benjamin, 2019). This means that certain names are marked or have a high possibility of being marked as a potential threat just for having similar names. Even with no association to marked groups or any gang members, some individuals may be marked or associated with these groups because of their name.

What are the advantages of being digitally close to other nations?

Digital media and applications may have its problems and issues but one of the great things that came out of having this advanced tool is the ability to connect with other individuals across the world. In the words of “The Revolution will be Digitized” reading, “National borders increasingly disappear in cyberspace, they are replaced by new kinship structures now predicated on the fluidity of cybernetic virtual communities and homelands” (Everett, 2002). What would have taken a few days to travel to be able to talk to family members or meet with someone can now be accessed through cyberspace, the internet, or wireless connection. Digital applications and technology have given people the ability to connect with one another in more convenient ways, domestically and internationally. Instead of diplomatic figures traveling thousands of miles to make appearances, it is now possible to do it in the comfortability and convenience of their own country, if they wish to do so.

Is there a possibility of another technological revolution coming in the near future?

The title of the Everett reading, “The Revolution Will Be Digitized” talks about an earlier period of time where technology was just beginning to be developed. Now, it raises the question of whether there will be another technological revolution coming. With how much technology has advanced in the past century, it is difficult to imagine society without another technological revolution. Artificial intelligence, or devices that have artificial intelligence capabilities, that can process information and perform tasks faster than a human are being developed and are planned on making it more accessible to the general public. For example, Alexa is a device with artificial intelligence capabilities that is able to answer questions being asked within milliseconds or turn on house-hold appliances or electrical appliances (room lights or the television). The concept of self-driving cars is becoming a reality. Tesla, the fully-electric car company, have slowly started to release their product to be fully autonomous and hands-free. The security of facial recognition is becoming advanced enough to be able to make purchases for the user. The only technology left to develop that will truly kickstart another technological revolution are flying cars.

Benjamin, R. (2019). Race after Technology: Abolitionist Tools for the New Jim Code. Social Forces, 98(4), 1-3. doi.org/10.1093/sf/soz162

Everett, A. (2002). The Revolution Will Be Digitized. Social Text, 20(2), 125-146. doi.org/10.1215/01642472-20-2_71-125

Noble, S.U. (2018). Algorithms of Oppressions. doi.org/10.2307/j.ctt1pwt9w5

[sharinluna]

Lucien Unspoken Words Date Translation with Commentary

I decided that the title of this date is “Unspoken words date” but it’s more like “words that you want to say but cannot say” Date.

This date happens between chapter 21 and 22. I strongly recommend reading this date before the new chapters are updated because I think the content of this date is semi main story. Also, this date has references to chapter 13 and chapter 16.

This time, I implemented commentaries in-between dates. Tell me if you like them or hate them.

I used Yōurán as MC’s name.

______________________________

In a dark laboratory, the computer monitor flashed a blue screen and the file folder named “memory” was empty. The dream recording device was broken and all data have disappeared without a trace.

A gleam of light flashed in Lucien’s dark eyes. He rebooted the device and quickly typed some words. A map of the city popped out. A red dot appeared in the old address of closed Ultima Bioresearch Institute.

Lucien: Found it.

(In chapter 16 we learn that if people leave Lucien’s dream world, they lose all memory of what happened in that dream. That’s why Yōurán forgot the latter parts of chapter 16. But Lucien has a device to record the lost memories so he could later retrieve them. At this stage I think Lucien figured out that he had memories with Yōurán in a different universe(chapter 1-18 world) and tried to use this device to see them. But any clues that could lead to memories of Yōurán are cut off. Like in chapter 20 when Yōurán found out that the pictures she took with Kiki vanished from her phone.)

____________________________________

I stood at the front of the deserted Institute building and bit my lips.

I couldn’t believe that I had managed to escape from Ares’s grasp the last time I came here, but my sore body reminded me of what I did.

Lucien: Queen, by itself, is the height of natural evolution. If humans are the product of nature’s creation, Queen is a creation that ‘cannot exist.’

Lucien’s words from that day kept coming back to me, and how his eyes looked so deep and cold as he said that.

So I decided to take a risk. I intentionally leaked the information on the internet that a confidential file concerning people with special genes was discovered in the old buildings of Ultima Bioresearch.

Now, I was at the door of the research building. I took a deep breath.

Yōurán: He has to come, right? He knows what I am…

As I said to myself I opened the door, but before I could step in someone pulled me inside with an ice-like grip. The door slammed shut.

It was too dark to see who had dragged me in. But from the way they grabbed my wrists so tight I could tell they were not friendly. I instinctively tried to kick and fight my way out.

??: Hold still.

Yōurán: …Lucien? Is that you?

I didn’t know if I felt afraid, or something else when I heard his voice. Lucien soon let go of my wrists.

He was wearing black and standing in the darkness. Like the last time I met him here, I could feel coldness that made me hesitant to reach him.

Lucien: You…

Yōurán: I suppose you want to know why I came here, right?

Lucien smiled at my interruption, as if he was amused that I had seen him through.

Lucien: I will gladly hear your explanation.

Yōurán: I…

came here because I missed you.

Reason kept me from saying what I really wanted to say.

Yōurán: I want to know why you’re here.

Lucien smiled coldly.

Lucien: Maybe letting you go free last time was a mistake.

As he said that, he slowly went closer to me.

Yōurán: I’m the one who leaked that information in the internet. Your coming here was my doing!

Lucien: That was you? Why would you do that?

Yōurán: Because I want to know what it means to be Queen in this world.

I looked at Lucien pointedly. His eyes seemed to hold mockery and contempt. Did he think that I was being ridiculous? I knew that I should get used to him looking at me like that, but it still hurt so much…

I stepped closer to him and met his gaze squarely.

Yōurán: I want to find out the truth, no matter how many hardships I have to go through.

This is not the first time I said this to you, Lucien. Don’t you remember?

(She’s talking about chapter 13)

Lucien: Do you think you can face the truth, even when it will hurt you mortally

His words brought back memories from a long time ago.

Lucien: And what if the truth shakes your entire being and tears you apart? Will you still choose the truth?

Yōurán: To face the truth, one must also face pain and suffering. I will not run away from them. Someone very important to me taught me that. And he told me he would accompany me along the way.

(In chapter 13, Lucien gave her two choices. To live a safe, tranquil life being protected and not knowing the truth, or to seek out the truth no matter how cruel it would be. Yōurán chose the truth and he said he would accompany her until the end - the reveal of him being Ares.)

I looked at Lucien as I said that. I wanted to know how he would react but also, was afraid of what he would say.

Something flashed in his eyes, but soon his gaze returned to the usual coldness.

Lucien: Only a fool would believe those words. He was deceiving himself and you by saying that.

I felt like something snapped in two in my heart.

Yōurán: You’re wrong. At least… at the time he said that, he wanted to be with me.

Lucien: Do you believe that?

Yōurán: I’ve had doubts, but I still believe him.

Lucien silently looked at me like he was amazed. After a short silence he laughed quietly.

Lucien: You are more impressive than I thought. It seems that I have underestimated you, Queen.

From the window I could see snow falling in the sunset. The wind from outside became colder and I shivered. Lucien didn’t miss my tiny movement and he wordlessly went to the window to block out the chill wind.

Lucien: I don’t want my enemy to fall down because she catches a cold. We are still contemplating the idea of cooperating with you.

Yōurán: Don’t worry. I will not fall down.

I glanced sideways at the wall. It seemed as if some sixth sense was telling me to look there. The wall was filled with grime and dust showing how old this building was.

Something was not right…

Lucien: This is from the Corinthians. It means that the truth is projected into the hearts of men through a glass lens. It’s distorted, blurry, and one-dimensional.

I suddenly felt dizzy. What happened to the words written on the wall? How could they disappear without a trace?

Yōurán: There used to be some writing on this wall here, remember? We saw it together the last time we came here!

A little bit excited, I tugged at Lucien’s sleeves. He didn’t push me away, but he didn’t answer me either. His emotionless eyes told me that he had no idea what I was talking about.

Yōurán: I… I mean…

I immediately pulled my hand away from him.

Lucien: What was it then? You said that there used to be some writing here. What was it?

Yōurán: “Through a glass darkly.”

I whispered the words. My head started to hurt. Lucien stared hard at the empty wall and then frowned.

Lucien: It’s a bible verse, nothing special. Except…

Yōurán: Did you remember something?

Lucien: If that verse really used to be here, who wrote that on this wall? Or what I really want to know is…

Lucien hesitated and his eyes looking at me became more intense.

Lucien: Why did you say that we saw it together “the last time we’ve been here”? Our only meeting in this building happened only a few days ago. Shall I remind you what happened at that day?

(It’s interesting that Yōurán thinks of chapter 13 while Lucien thinks of strangling her in chapter 21. This Lucien is not the Lucien from chapter 1-18.)

Lucien approached me briskly and I stepped back. My back reached the hard wall and there was nowhere for me to escape. His eyes turned sinister, like he was about to hunt a feeble prey.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him. But I doubted that it would work. After a short hesitation, I finally opened my mouth.

Yōurán: I told you. I have someone who’s very important to me. I came here with that person.

Lucien seemed unsatisfied with my evading answer and he continued to look at me with displeasure.

Yōurán: You look quite a lot like him, so for a second, I… mistook you for him.

I pretended to be calm as I said that, but my heart kept beating wildly.

Lucien froze for a moment, then his eyes flashed like a sharp knife. He closed the distance between us and grabbed my wrist tightly. I jerked my hand away, but he only grabbed it tighter.

For a few seconds we confronted each other like that, both sides unwilling to back off.

Yōurán: Are you angry?

Suddenly, his hands gripping my wrist loosened.

Lucien: Why would I be angry at you?

His expression told me that he was being sincere. He really seemed to be puzzled at his reaction.

(omg I like this part. Lucien was feeling jealous of the other Lucien! And he doesn’t know that what he’s feeling is jealousy!)

Yōurán: If you’re not, then fine. I don’t want to create any misunderstandings. Right now, we are not even in a cooperative relationship.

Lucien: I agree. Where is the dream experiment data?

Yōurán: I’m sorry?

Suddenly, a blinding white light impaired our visions. I saw traces of tension in Lucien’s frown.

Lucien: Wait here.

Lucien went outside and stood still in the snow.

His face turned menacing as he stared at the unwelcome guest approaching. I watched them hiding by the window. He was facing a few people. One of them had grisly scars on his face.

A white barrier surrounded them, and I could hear Lucien’s voice.

Lucien: It’s you.

??: Long time no see, Ares.

They were from Black Swan. Did they come here because of the information I leaked? Would Lucien be in danger? Fear swept over me and I tiptoed to the front door to get a closer look.

Hades: You beat me to it. Once again, you showed that you are not to be underestimated. If we could work together…

Lucien; Don’t be absurd. I already turned down your offer and I have no intention of changing my mind.

(Poor Hades. He was rejected by Ares in chapter 16 and he’s being rejected here too.)

I couldn’t see Lucien’s face but his voice sounded extremely menacing. The face of the other man became sour and his false smile hardened.

Hades: Then let’s get down to business. Do you have the special genetics file?

Lucien’s answer seemed to enrage him even more.

Hades: Let’s not be too difficult here. Ares, you’re a smart person. You gotta know that my goals and your goals are not entirely contradictory.

Lucien: So?

Hades: Hand me the data, or cooperate with me.

Lucien: Do you think you are in a position to bargain with me?

Hades: If not, I have no choice but to get rid of you.

He raised his hand and suddenly a swirl of snowstorm swarmed over Lucien. Lucien stood still and waved his right hand. Ice pillars came out from the ground and shattered the snowy attack.

Hades: Exceptional work, Ares. But this is not over yet.

His face with the heinous scar reflected in the moonlight and became etched to my vision. Suddenly, I felt a gigantic shock in my head and everything became dark.

Falling down into abyss, scent of blood, Lucien whispering in my ear…

Lucien: Silly girl…. I didn’t lie to you… I will not sacrifice someone important to me.

His broken words poured into my head. I felt like I was suffocating.

(She finally recovered her lost memories from chapter 16)

In the distance I heard a gunshot and I came back to reality.

Yōurán: Lucien…

I opened the door and ran outside. Lucien must have heard me since he turned around to face me.

As he saw me running toward him I saw in his eyes surprise, wrath and a fleeting glimpse of intense ecstasy.

Yōurán: Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Lucien shoved my hand away.

Lucien: I’m fine. You ignored my warnings as always.

Yōurán: I followed my instinct and it brought me here. Someone taught me to trust my instincts when there’s danger.

The corner of his mouth went up a little bit.

Lucien: Tell him he’s wrong.

(Tell him yourself. She’s talking about you.)

With that Lucien dragged me behind him and protected me. A ray of white light just barely missed my shoulder. Fury was in his eyes and his smile turned sinister, as if determined to finish the opponent.

Huge snowflakes erupted out from his gloved hands, turned into piercing ice knives and shot forward. I could smell blood in the air.

I could feel someone coming for an attack from Lucien’s blind spot.

Yōurán: Be careful!

Without hesitation I pushed Lucien away from harm. A sharp blade grazed my cheek. At that second, I saw a look of shock in his eyes reflected on the surface of the icy fragments.

Another burst of blinding light forced me to close my eyes. When I opened them again, we were the only people there.

Lucien: It’s all right now.

I wondered if I was dreaming when I heard him gently talking to me like before. But when I looked at him there was anger in his eyes and I stiffened.

The cut on my cheek throbbed and I couldn’t suppress a grimace. Lucien raised his hand toward me then after a second thought, he put it back down again. Then he cleared his throat and avoided my eyes.

Lucien: Since you used such an unusual method to call me out here, I suppose you already made up your mind to deal with possible injuries. But… you didn’t fail in surprising me. Your powers are much stronger than I thought. My expectations weren’t futile.

Lucien: But you should know that, when the real danger comes, the values that you believe in might make you be in more danger. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

Yōurán: I saved you in the end, though, didn’t I?

Lucien: ……Why? Why did you save me? And I’ve been wanting to ask you before… who in the world are you?

His each word became etched to my heart. I looked at my reflection in his eyes.

Yōurán: I thought you already knew. I’m Queen.

Lucien: And…?

I laughed bitterly.

Yōurán: Shouldn’t you thank me for saving you?

Lucien: Shouldn’t you answer my question first?

I pretended not to hear him.

Yōurán: You owed me this time, so don’t forget to pay me back next time we meet. Then I will answer your question.

Lucien: Why should I trust you?

Yōurán: Pinky swear, then.

My unconscious action driven out from habit startled both of us. 

(In chapter 13, Lucien and Yōurán made a pinky swear to fly kites together before the spring was over... which he didn’t get to keep.)

It seemed like nothing had changed between us, but everything was at a new starting point now.

Lucien lightly laughed at my childish behavior. My cheeks turned red and I put my hand down and made to leave.

Lucien: I thought you said pinky swear.

Yōurán: I’m not a child.

And you didn’t even keep that promise that you made long ago.

Lucien: Alright. I promise. Don’t forget to answer my question the next time we meet.

Yōurán: I won’t.

I turned around and walked away as if I was unfazed by what happened. I was afraid that my feelings bubbling up inside would burst out if I stayed any longer.

Lucien stared at her with amusement in his eyes…and some other sentiment.

Lucien: I look forward to seeing you again.

As she went further away from him, the beautiful colors faded and the world turned back to gray. It somehow reminded him of the dream he had forgotten a long time ago.

Lucien shook his head trying to keep his thoughts clear. But no matter now hard he tried he kept thinking about her face, her eyes, her looks of sadness. How she seemed to miss someone when she was looking at him.

Without knowing why, anger welled up inside him. He had no idea that this would affect him like this. He felt like a mariner roaming in the deep sea even though he knew his destination.

(Lucien being jealous of himself again.)

___________________________________

When I was far away from the research institute I sighed.

Yōurán: Lucien, don’t you remember who I am? It’s me, Yōurán, who always used to pester you with silly chatter, wait for your stories every night, who learned from you to see the wider world…. who always chose to get closer to you even when you warned me away…

Next time we meet, I hope it’s spring. People will fly kites in this year too.

My memories of him were warm in my heart, giving me courage to encounter him with my back straight and my head held high.

It’s okay. Even when on my own, I can keep our promise by flying kites by myself.

One person held two people’s memories, so I was sure that I could face what’s to come with a braver heart.

______________________________________

Lucien is the one who said “Love can lead people into traps. I’ll never let emotions stand in my way again.”

It seems that Lucien from winter Loveland City is going to fall into this trap too.