#being busy is certainly helping me to be less of a perfectionist

[silverseaming]

At the harbour there’s noise everywhere — hurried rushes of footsteps, snatches of conversation, the voices of street-sellers rising above the everyday din with cries of “Fresh whelks! Fresh whel—”, “Apples and pears! Fresh today!”, “Roses, sir, roses for your Mis—!”. Along the quayside cargo masters bark instructions to their men, and crates clatter earthward from the decks or are borne aloft on the shoulders of brawny dockers. Beneath it all is the sound of the shipyard, a constant beat of hammers that Kit can feel in his chest.

Kit pushes on through the crowds, buffeted along by the busy current of fellow humanity. He wishes dearly for the open fields or leafy avenues of Brindleton. There the air is sweet, not thick with the salty seaweed taste, the people don’t rush, don’t crowd together, shout, or jostle.

A journey of bumping shoulders and muttered apologies washes him up on the doorstep of The Lermond’s Cove company, as the modest brass plate beside the door proclaims. The building is smaller than the grand shipping offices, tucked on the end of the harbour frontage, but it’s smart enough, and offers welcome shelter from the bustle outside. A small bell rings above the door as Kit makes his way inside.

“Hello, sir.” The young woman greeting him sits behind a solitary desk, a large ledger arrayed in front of her. The frugality of the outside of the building is continued on the inside, with the only ornaments to the small room besides its occupant being a few framed charts and maps. The whole arrangement gives the impression of being newly established. “How can I help you?”

“I, er, have an appointment with Mr Allen,” Kit says, suddenly abashed.

After checking an entry in the ledger, the young woman gestures down the hallway.

“It’s the first door on the left, sir.”

Making his way to the indicated door, Kit hesitates a second before knocking. He can hardly turn back now, with the secretary watching in the entryway.

His knock is answered by a curt “Enter.”

The man behind the desk rises to greet Kit, extending a hand over the tabletop. He’s smartly dressed, in a well-made suit of the latest fashion. The clothes look new — too new, perhaps. The thick callouses beneath Kit’s hand betray the lifetime of hard work that the suit tries hard to erase.

“Fred Allen,” The man says, by way of introduction. Releasing Kit’s hand, he gestures to the chair on the opposite side of the desk. “You must be Calloway.”

“That’s right, sir. As I said in my letter, Mr Miller up in Brindleton heard you might have opportunities going for someone willing to sell their crop.”

“Well, he heard correctly, I guess, though I have to say I wasn’t expecting anyone round here so soon. How’s about you tell me what set up you’ve got going, and then I’ll think about it?” says Allen.

“I’ve got about two-hundred acres just outside Brindleton, wheat and potatoes mainly. Only took over two years ago, but the last two harvests have done well.” Kit picks at a loose thread at the edge of his jacket, wishing he hadn’t done his collar up so tightly.

“You got any hands, or is it a one man show?” Allen asks as he sifts through a stack of papers, running a finger down a column of figures.

“Just me at the moment, sir, but some of the local lads help out around harvest. There’s room for expansion, though, if we come to an agreement.”

“Hm.” Allen seems to be considering, rubbing a large hand across his coarse chin. The more Kit looks at him, the more he struggles to see the businessman through the farmer — or is it sailor? At any rate, Allen’s tanned skin and deep crow’s feet speak of a life that, until recently, was spent working out of doors. The tailored clothes seem almost like a costume. It’s reassuring, perhaps, to know that Allen would understand something of the toil put into producing the crop.

Eventually Allen reaches the end of his deliberations with a great sigh.

“Look, son, I won’t pretend this isn’t somewhat of a cowboy venture, and that I haven’t got as much capital to be free with as certain larger companies. But I think we understand each other, and on account of your being the first to come and see me, I’m willing to give you an offer. I’ll take half your next wheat harvest, and I’ll give you two dollars a bushel if you’re willing to shake on it now.”

“I’m more than willing, sir, thank you,” Kit says. There’s a weight that’s lifted from his shoulders with Allen’s words, the anxious knot in his stomach loosening a little. Somehow, he’s managed to grab hold of the life ring thrown to him, and for a minute the hard work of hauling to shore can be forgotten.

Arriving home that night, dusty from the road, Kit feels lighter than he has done in months. For once he looks at the farm and sees it as something beautiful, rather than a never-ending source of work. There’s a little moonlight dappling through the trees, outlining the farmhouse against the night sky behind it.

For a moment, he leans against the fence of the cow-pen, taking slow lungfuls of the cool night air. Then he turns towards the house, and the faint glow behind the front door that draws his weary feet over the threshold.

Meg’s standing at the kitchen table, placing the finishing touches on a freshly baked cake. From the untidy tendrils of hair she keeps trying to blow from her face and the flour down her apron, it’s been a hard-fought battle with the sponge. The weak firelight from the stove behind her casts her in a rosy glow, and oh, it’s enough to knock the air from Kit’s chest.

“You’re up late,” he murmurs, giving into the urge to take her in his arms. Her body is warm against his, and she smells slightly of strawberry jam.

“I had to remake the sponge,” Meg sighs, finally pushing the finished cake away and leaning into his touch. “And I split the cream. It’s all a horrible mess.”

“Well hang the cake then, because I’ve got something that’ll cheer you up.” Gently Kit spins her round to face him, pulling her close.

“I take it your meeting went well?” She smiles.

“I think so. He’ll take half of next year’s wheat, and for a good price as well.”

“Oh, you wonderful man,” Meg says softly.

Kit’s reply is to lean down and kiss her. Even though he’s only been gone a day, it feels like he’s waited months for that kiss, for Meg’s hands on his shoulders and lips on his. Without thinking, he lifts her onto the table, hands finding her waist and hair.

“Christopher James Calloway, if you want to carry on with this nonsense then you will unhand me and let me clear up before we go upstairs!” Meg pulls away, trying to sound cross, but the barely concealed laughter rather ruins the effect. “I love you very much, but I will not ruin this cake for you.”

“Consider me told,” Kit laughs.

[frenchy-and-the-sea]

Hi Frenchy!!

If you're still taking asks for the OC Matching Game you posted a little bit ago, I'd love to play dolls lol!

I offer up my most recent character, Elodie! She is a high elf, wild magic sorcerer in a fantasy college campaign. Her backstory is that she was "blessed" (cursed in her opinion) by a fey god at a young age, which granted her wild magic powers. Elodie hates her wild magic due to it's unpredictability and danger levels, especially compared to the rest of her family who are highly talented wizards. She certainly compares herself to them often and is more than a bit jealous that they have the gift of magic without having to deal with surges all the time.

Elodie's personality is extremely type A, rigid, and focused. She's kind and polite, but very anxious and overly direct in social situations. She's an overachiever, and a perfectionist. She's used to people shying away from her due to being the Not Normal Weird Wild Magic girl in her town, so she tends to self-isolate by default.

Currently in the campaign, Elodie is going to magic college to try to "cure" her wild magic. She is very studious and intelligent, and values those traits in others. She also thrives off of academic validation haha! She is someone who believes with enough research and effort, she can un-do the laws of nature and stop herself from being a sorcerer lmao.

I hope you have fun with this one lol! Elodie is one of my more challenging characters to get along with, so I'm curious to see who you'll come up with hehe!!

oh also supplemental pinterest board and playlist. not necessary for character evaluation but just in case you wanted to check them out!

(Matchy Ask Game, ho!!)

ELODIE!! MY BELOVED!! I love her whole premise so, SO much, I'm so glad you sent her over! Because here's the fun thing: I have two completely separate ideas on who to saddle her with!

The first is a bit of a strange option, because he's technically a backstory character: specifically, my grave cleric Wyn's brother, Atticus! He actually spent some time in college himself, because his parents absolutely demanded that he take some time before taking over the family business to get some higher learning done. He's also a very academic soul, excelling in everything from magic to science to business, but he's distinctly lacking in a lot of social situations that are not dictated by tradition, or by a specific goal. He can't MINGLE, is what I'm saying. He doesn't know how to HANG. Put him at a party with no one that he's particularly trying to wheel and deal with and he will awkwardly stand by the punch bowl trying to figure out what to do. (Workaholic personality, GO!) If I had to slap a class on him, he probably would have been a wizard too, but he's one of those jack-of-all-trades learners and doesn't exclusively stick to magical study: which is to say, I think he and Elodie could have some WONDERFUL conversations, provided one of them figures out how to get over the hurdle of The First Interaction LMAO.

There's also that bit at the end that you mentioned, when she's trying to Academia her way out of being a wild magic sorcerer. Turns out, Atticus is doing the same thing! He's just doing it to Academia his way out of dying from the typical tiefling lifespan, which he thinks is terribly short and not fair considering elves and gnomes and whatnot can live three to four times that length. I think he would see Elodie's goal as something that she is doing to be more comfortable with herself, and would see his own struggle reflected there. And lbr, he would probably want to help. (Not that she needs it, he would say. I think he's very quick to recognize her abilities, and one of his more charming points is that he isn't shy with his praise of hard work LMAO)

THE OTHER OPTION IS. LESS FOR SIMILARITY LMAO.

You see, ever since you told me about Elodia, I've wanted so, SO desperately for her to meet my trickery cleric, Fizz. She is Elodie's opposite in almost every way. Despite what people say, she's actually fairly intelligent, and spends a lot of time reading and pursuing knowledge; but she's also a devoted acolyte of the party god, and BOY does she act like it. She also went to college for a time, but dropped out in order to pursue her clerical abilities, and no one was even remotely surprised. She loves people, and she loves to be social, and it is her highest goal in life to unstick the people around her from the monotonous rigors of their day to day. She wants people to find out ways to pursue happiness to selfish degrees, and she is so goddamn stubborn that she will doggedly attach herself to anyone that she thinks could use her help, EVEN when they get annoyed with her. One of her favorite people in the whole world is a bard that used to run the other way when she approached him in school. He doesn't do that anymore. >:) One point for gnomish charm.

Tl;dr, I would pay good hard spending cash to see how Elodie would react when this fiery-haired little gnome in about four different highly saturated colors descends upon her, declares them friends, and then spends no small amount of time carefully trying to convince her that her wild magic could be useful, actually. FUN, actually.

After all, NOTHING is more trickery-coded than wild magic!

[sketch-guardian]

HELLO! I hope you've been doing well, I certainly missed reading your writing! I have come with another question after a while! What are the classmates' biggest insecurities? Thank you! - Isa

Hello to you too Isa!✨I'm sorry for not posting much in this period,but I was quite busy and a bit tired🙈still,I'm doing okay,thank you for asking☺I hope you're doing alright as well! Also thanks, that's very sweet of you to say😳💕regarding your ask, I think by writing about their insecurities, I'll end up including some of their biggest fears as well, so I apologize in advance if these insecurities don't seem to be valid enough or count as such, so if the answer isn't satisfaying enough, please feel free to send me another ask so that I can change/fix things🙈

WHAT ARE THE RAD CLASSMATES BIGGEST INSECURITIES?

DEMYA

Her low intelligence/loss of control

Demya started her education late compared to other demons and it was Azul who taught her to read and write after her return to civilization, however this doesn't mean that she doesn't still have troubles and although this doesn't normally bother her, she fears deep down not to be taken seriously or to be treated like an idiot or an animal due to her general culture. Another one of her insecurity concerns the self-control she has during her hunger, Demya fears that one day she will end up hurting her friends and MC without wanting to/noticing it and she would hardly be able to forgive herself if something like that happened.

DOMNRA(MOBIM)

His character/not counting anything

Domnra knows that he doesn't have a pleasant attitude and that he has anger issues and even if he doesn't show it, he fears that sooner or later his friends and MC will get tired of him and that they'll abandon him, leaving him alone and unable to confess really how he feels, because of his stupid pride. He has also always had self-esteem issues since his days as an angel, where he wasn't particularly considered, unlike other special angels, so he fears that even as a demon, his person won't have that much importance and he doubts that anyone would miss him.

To be destroyed/its height

Even though its bond with Domnra is rather strong,close and secure, Mobim is still afraid that one day Domnra will decide that he wants to get rid of it, because it's useless. Mobim knows it is a curse, that it shouldn't exist and that if Domnra had found a cure long ago, it would no longer be there, but having lived for so long…now Mobim has developed a fear of dying. It's also quite insecure of its size, because it knows that despite being a curse, it's not threatening at all.

AZUL

Being alone for too long,especially with his thoughts/not being able to protect his loved ones

Azul loves the company of people not only because he's a social butterfly by nature, but also because it helps him not to override his intrusive thoughts that have taken up residence in his head since his fall from the Celestial Realm, he tends to be scary when he loses control and is afraid that sooner or later this will make others leave him behind. Though he doesn't seem insecure given his power and behavior, Azul doesn't think he would be able to grieve,due to his mental instability,and fears that one day his arrogance will cost his friends and MC a heavy price.

ZURI

Not being good enough according to her perfectionistic standards

Zuri has always been under observation and pressure since her days as an angel, where her every move was judged and analyzed and although she is free now, as a demon she still has the habit of always aiming for perfection, not so much for the opinion of others, but for herself, not believing she could afford anything less. She's never confessed it to anyone, but she's afraid that if she acts or presents herself in a different, less refined way, people close to her won't recognize/care for her. She thinks many people want to get to know her only due to her status or beauty.

ODON

Not being accepted because of their past

Odon remembers the atrocious acts they committed centuries ago and a part of them doesn't regret their choices, because they knew they were acting according to their demon nature and therefore they don't feel particular remorse, however now they're trying to change,aware that many are still afraid of them. Odon fears that despite their best efforts, no one will be able to see beyond their monstrous eldritch horror nature.

[declanowo]

31 Days of Horror - Day 2

Day 2 - Driller Killer 02/10/23

Day two! I didn’t get up to too much today, tomorrow will probably be the same, but it’s a nice routine! I say I didn’t get up to much, but that’s downplaying what I have been up to, which is both stressful and fun! Can’t wait until my book is out! In fact, today was pretty tricky as I worked through some stuff for that, so watching a film in the evening was a nice way to chill :) 

I roll my films in the mornings to see what I will be watching, partly because I’m so excited, but partly because I want to make sure I don’t start a three hour movie at midnight when I want to sleep soon. Anyway - the film!

Today I landed on Driller Killer, released in 1979, and directed by Abel Ferrerra. The similarities between this and yesterday's film Night of the Howling Beast are fun! This is another low-budget movie released in the 70s, another video nasty, and another movie where the protagonist is played by a crew member, this time being the director. Some weird similarities, considering I only have a handful of films on my watchlist in the first two categories. 

I have wanted to watch this film for a while - when I think of it, two memories pop into my mind! The first is of my favourite YouTube channel, Dead Meat. There’s a video where the main host, James, simply goes through all his dvds and blurays, and he mentions how he would love to discuss this film in depth. Secondly, I remember towards the beginning of this year, my sisters boyfriend was discussing how he had a box full of video nasties, and how he would buy them under the counter of shops. He offered them to me, but he was very drunk so I never got them, but one thing that stood out was his mention of this film - I can’t remember any of the others he said - but never had I heard mention of such an obscure film from a person I knew. 

Anyway, the movie itself! I wanna structure this discussion differently, looking into different strands of the movie, in a less linear structure! I guess I should also say I would recommend any movie I discuss, it’s important to form your own opinion :) This is just a fun writing exercise for me hehe. 

The opening title of this film is so exciting - “This film should be played loud” like wow <3 It really encapsulates a lot of themes within this movie, and I think the sound in the film is very fun! At least, the diegetic sound is amazing! From the titular drill, to the band living near our protagonist Reno, sound is key to creating a dark atmosphere. Similarly, the non-diegetic sound does work too - although for me this wasn’t as constant of an effect. Sequences such as the one where Reno murders someone at a bus stop has a rock band on the score, intercutting the attack, and presumably his every thought. It feels busy and gritty, which really worked for me. Even the moments without a score worked well, the glimpses of silence as the protagonist falls into fits of rage, the bouts of shouting feel like they’re directed at you. 

Although I did not live through the late 70s - not even close - the film certainly paints a raw image of New York during this time period. Once again, the gritty appearance of the film works so well with this backdrop of poverty, crime and pessimism. We follow Reno and his two roommates as they struggle to make enough money for rent, and to me, it works perfectly. I truly felt that, even down to the design of the apartment. Nothing feels permanent here. 

Before getting too far into the themes, I want to discuss the characters! Having a murderous main character is very fun, the film acts as a character study almost, as we watch him decline to these depraved ideas flashing through his mind. He feels deeply fragile and masculine, the image of the power drill alluding to this excellently. He has a desire to feel powerful, to feel like he is making money to pay for the apartment and help those around him. Yet, he isn’t the breadwinner - far too much of a perfectionist. Here we see his clashing ideals and desires break in on him, and even through the sometimes less than stellar acting, I truly enjoyed this character. He felt real and dark, pathetic and yet somewhat empathetic. When his art is shunned, you feel the pain, yet by this point, you know what he is capable of, he is scary and twisted, maybe because of how real he feels. 

Secondly, and maybe my favourite, is Carol, who is played by Carolyn Marz. Her character is so interesting, and maybe deserves her own essay discussion, but that is neither here nor there. Carol pays the bills for the apartment - groundbreaking stuff for a 70s audience I am sure - yet this factor is understated, which works to its strength I feel! We see her dating other people - even having a husband! I’m unsure if this acts more as a reflection of her character, or Reno’s, but I love both sides of the coin. Truly, a vividly interesting character. 

The ensemble band are also interesting, although a group I feel I don’t know enough about to discuss. All I will say is, I believe they portray themselves excellently, and the constant cacophony of noise they bring to this apartment complex is perfect.

On to the theme of art! Perfection is important to Reno, a skill he strives to reach, yet never can. This element of his character makes him so scarily relatable, any artist of any form will tell you how badly they have wanted to create the myth of a perfect piece. Nothing can ever be perfect, as shown through the painting he makes, which appears to hardly, if at all, change. Constantly, he strives for that which he cannot reach, which financially plunges him into dark depths, while ultimately not mattering. It juxtaposes perfectly with the image of the murders, they’re quick, thoughtless actions. Finally, he has an outlet that he doesn’t have to pour all of himself into, while receiving nothing back. This theme also leads to my favourite quote:

"You're becoming simply a technician. there's nothing there. There's no feeling, no drama, no passion. a work of pure, unadulterated ego."

Before discussing a more important point, that pizza looks so gross wow! I would not have that anywhere near me - is it meant to look this way? Did they actually eat it? So many questions raised from that gross pizza! Also just peppers on it? What! 

Finally, I want to discuss the ending, a truly haunting image, that reminds me of Black Christmas, an all time favourite of mine! It is bleak and terrifying. The thought of it is pure horror and I love it. Truly, a good for no one horror film, even as Carol appears to escape, Reno still manages to find her, the simple sound of his grunting in the darkness as he pretends to be another man is terrifying - there is no other way to put it. An ending that is sure to stick with me. 

In conclusion, a very very good film that does a lot for me personally! I don’t think this will be for everyone - many technical aspects of this film are poorly done, yet it has heart, and I adore what it is doing so very much! It exceeded my expectations! I love this so much. 

9/10!

[ginger-and-mint]

Hey, I'm wondering if you have any advice on writing kink stuff? Basically, it feels like I'm writing the same story repeatedly. Coming up with stuffing scenarios that both make sense, and aren't just retreads, is really hard. It probably doesn't help that a) I don't have much writing experience, b) my interests are really narrow, and c) I have no imagination, lol. How do you keep stuff fun and interesting? (Jsyk, I sent this to Tiny as well, I love both your blogs 😊)

Hey, anon! Thank you so much, I’m so glad you enjoy my and Tiny’s content and I’m flattered to be asked for advice! ♡ I have a lot of thoughts about this, so I’ll do my best to boil them down into something useful.
 ^^

Since you mentioned being pretty new to writing, I broke up my advice into a few different “stages,” starting with things that are easy to implement and moving to things that might feel more manageable as you get more comfortable with writing. Under a cut because Real Heckin Long.


Stage One — Don’t Sweat It

This might sound corny and unhelpful, but I genuinely think that especially when you’re first starting out, it’s best not to put pressure on yourself to write the world’s most original stories. Write to please your inner fiend and nobody else! If repeated versions of the same story continue to light your fire, there’s no shame in embracing that.

Doing this will honestly help you with originality in the long-term anyway, because you’re giving yourself the freedom to learn more about what specifics you really enjoy in kink writing. Later on, you can use that knowledge to put new twists on those specifics and invent new scenarios.

Stage Two — Stuffing Scenario Cheat Sheet

I completely agree that believable stuffing scenarios are really difficult to invent. What’s realistic is a matter of opinion of course, but for me, this is a quick breakdown of logical reasons for a character to overeat. If you’re getting tired of using the same justification in your fics, try picking something new from this list:

Accidental stuffing:

Character is distracted by something during the meal

Character eats so fast they don’t realize when they’re full

Character has been hungry for awhile and overdoes it when they finally get to eat

Reluctant intentional stuffing (motivated by external circumstances):

Character feels social pressure to keep eating **

The food will go to waste otherwise **

Eating contests / challenges **

The character is trying to bulk up

Enthusiastic intentional stuffing (because the character wants to):

Character just enjoys the feeling of being full

Character and/or their partner(s) have a stuffing kink

Character has temporary access to good food and is indulging while they can

Fantasy Shenanigans:

Side effects of being a magical creature (e.g. a werewolf eating too much for their human form to handle, a vampire needing to feed all at once, etc.)

Magic that causes a character to overeat (e.g. enchanted food, curses, potions, etc.)

Magic that requires a full stomach and/or extra energy to work (e.g. my di-mage spell mechanics, the antidote in this fic of Tiny’s, etc.)

[free space because fantasy lets you set the boundaries of what’s realistic, so your imagination is really the limit!]

** If you’re aiming for realism, I would be careful of these scenarios. In my opinion, they can be done believably, but often are not. Some things I would look out for:

Most foods can easily be stored for later, so if you want to use the “avoiding waste” trope, make sure that you’re either in a setting without access to refrigeration or that the food is something that genuinely wouldn’t keep until the next day (or at least would be way less tasty after a night in the fridge.)

Social pressure works best in scenarios with people that the to-be-stuffed character 1) doesn’t know very well and 2) wants to impress or keep face around (e.g. formal events, business dinners, first dates that involve food, meeting their partner’s family, etc.)

Loving friends, family, and partners don’t pressure or guilt people into overeating! Characters stuffing themselves because their loved ones are really insistent that they have to taste-test everything or act so disappointed because they went to all this work on some extravagant feast always ring at best false and at worst abusive to me. What kind of loving relationship is it if you don’t feel safe to say “no thanks, I’m full?” That’s not to say social pressure with loved ones can’t be done well, but it usually indicates some kind of character flaw (i.e. an inability to say no and/or a steamroller-y personality) that in my opinion, has to be acknowledged by the fic’s end if you want the tone to stay light and fluffy.

Again, this may just be my opinion, but eating contests only come across as realistic with certain character personalities and in certain contexts. Like yeah, I can believe that a himbo with YouTuber Energy would take on a hot wing eating challenge in front of all his bros, but not so much that an otherwise self-respecting character would drop everything to eat themselves sick because a friend randomly challenged them.

Stage Three — Change Up Other Elements When Using Similar Tropes


Especially if you have narrow interests, it’s probably inevitable you’ll write same basic story structure over and over. I know I sure do! However, I would say that changing other elements of the narrative can give your writing an entirely different feel, turning it into a whole new story that will not feel like a simple retread to a reader.

One thing you can change up is setting. A lot of times kink writers will just plonk characters in the comfort of their own homes, which is valid — but setting hugely influences the atmosphere of a story, so the same Kink Plot will read really differently if it happens, say, at a campground or on a boat. Providing a rich setting can even become a feature of the kink itself. For example, setting your story at a lavish buffet could introduce an element of indulgence that hits you and/or readers differently than a story that involves casual takeout in the living room, even if the rest of the story is similar. Try bold settings! They’re fun!

Another element to vary is context. For example, the basic trope of “stress eating” would play out really differently if a character is about to go on an important mission vs. if they’re recovering from an emotionally difficult day; a story about about a character intentionally stuffing themselves will have a completely different flavor if they’ve been going hungry for awhile vs. they’ve been overeating all week; and so on.


Finally, consider changing up the focus. An easy way to do this is to switch up whether you’re writing from the POV of the stuffed character or a caretaker. You can also focus on different details of the stuffing — for example, lingering on how delicious the food looks and tastes vs. how the character feels as their stomach fills vs. physical details like whether they’re getting bloated or grumbly.

Stage Four — Connect to Character or Plot

The most surefire way to make kink stories distinct is to give the story an additional purpose besides just being kinky. This doesn’t have to be some big, extravagant plot (although it certainly can be) — it can be a simple as writing a kink story the way you usually would, and just finding something within it that you can use to reveal an aspect of your character.

Start with an ordinary kink scenario and try to dive a little deeper. For example:

Say you want to write a story about stress eating. Okay — what is the character stressed about?

Maybe you come up with something relatively simple and generic, like school. Okay, what about this character makes them so likely to be stressed out by school? Are they a perfectionist? Are they facing a lot of pressure from their family? Do they have a goal that requires excellent grades? Have they struggled with this subject in the past?

Let’s say you decide to go with perfectionism. Now, what scenes can you use to show this struggle? And optionally, can you give the character some kind of resolution by the story’s end?

And there you go! Your fic now not only has kink, but also shows how your character reacts in a certain situation.

Character especially is a treasure trove of uniqueness, in my opinion, because well-developed characters react differently to the same scenario. Stories feel more original because even if a reader has read this exact same plot before, they will not have seen how this particular person handles it. So one of the best ways to make fics distinct is to spend time developing your characters!

If the goal is to simply write solid distinct kinky stories, trying to create detailed plot is more work with lower return than investing in your characters, if you ask me. You have to enjoy the process of creating plots itself for it to be worth it. If that’s something you’re interested in, I have a whole load more thoughts about that -- but since this is already incredibly long, I’ll save that for a separate ramble if anyone is specifically interested.

---

I hope something in this huge infodump is helpful to you! Some of it may sound intimidating if you’re just starting out with kink writing, but it’s absolutely all something that can be worked up to. Please feel free to ask any follow-up questions if stuff I’ve written doesn’t make sense. Good luck with your writing, anon, and thanks for giving me an excuse to just go off. ^^’ ♡

[twwobsessed]

I decided to try my hand at writing a fic after some awesome motivation from people on here. It's not an amazing piece by any means, but it was fun to write. @lilacmermaid25's wonderful prompt ideas always getting my mind thinking, so here's a little something I came up with for for the prompt: Elizabeth says goodbye to one of the kids on her way out the door, stopping in her tracks when she realizes they’re in tears. From that moment on, neither work nor school matter - she’s going to stay and hold them in her arms until they feel less empty.

Stevie was sitting at the kitchen table trying her hardest not to cry, but tears kept slipping out. It was Thursday, and she had had what seemed like the longest, hardest week in a while. She loved her internship with Russell Jackson, but he had been in a more irritable mood lately, some of which had been taken out on her. On top of that, she was struggling with feelings of failure and inadequacy, retriggered by the end of her engagement to Jareth, and she had just been feeling empty. She enjoyed her work enough to get out of bed each day, but she found that it wasn’t bringing her the pleasure it used to. Nothing was. And it was exhausting.

This morning, she really didn’t want to do anything besides curl up and cry, though her perfectionist nature was telling her that was not an option. Plus, she was supposed to be at the White House in an hour. Nonetheless, she found herself at the kitchen table, staring at her mug of coffee, unable to keep the tears from falling.

__________________________

Elizabeth was running slightly behind, which is why she barely glanced at the kitchen table when she came down the stairs. She made a beeline for the coffee pot and poured some coffee in a travel mug, her mind already out the door to the pile of briefing books on her desk. As she turned to grab a muffin off the counter, she saw Stevie out the corner of her eye.

“Morning Stevie. Sorry to rush off, but I’ve got to get into the office. Have a great day with Russell honey,” she said, turning to walk out of the kitchen. When Stevie didn’t respond, an unusual occurrence, Elizabeth turned around to see what was going on. She froze when she saw the tears rolling down Stevie’s cheeks.

“Oh, sweetie,” she murmured, all thoughts of getting into the office forgotten. “What’s wrong?”

__________________________

Stevie looked up from her mug when her mom asked what was wrong. She was walking towards her with a concerned look on her face, which was not what Stevie was expecting. Her mom needed to get to work.

“Just a rough morning,” Stevie shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. You have more important things to deal with at work. I’m fine.” She really didn’t want to concern her mom with what she saw as her own shortcomings. She knew her mom was busy, and she didn’t want to be a burden.

“Oh sweetie, no, that’s not how this works,” Elizabeth said, placing one hand on her shoulder and combing the other through her hair. “Nothing is more important to me than you, your siblings, and your father. If you’re hurting, I want to do whatever I can to make it better. Do you want to talk?”

Stevie regarded her mom cautiously. A part of her did want to talk to her about how she was feeling, but another part of her was afraid to admit exactly how bad she felt. “Are you sure you don’t need to rush off to work? You seemed to be in a hurry earlier,” she questioned cautiously.

“I’m positive. Let’s go sit on the couch and talk. I just need to make a couple phone calls and then I’m all yours.”

__________________________

While Stevie got up from the table, Elizabeth stepped into the foyer to call Nadine and Russell. She let both of them know what was going on and that she and Stevie, respectively, would make it to their jobs a little bit later today. Both Nadine and Russell were understanding and sympathetic, just like she knew they would be. As important as their jobs were, they both understood the importance of making sure someone was okay mentally.

Elizabeth entered the living room to find Stevie curled into herself in the corner of the couch. “Alright baby, neither of us has to rush off anywhere now. Both Nadine and Russell know where we are and know not to expect us for a bit,” she said, taking a seat next to Stevie and rubbing her back. It pained her to see Stevie looking so small and lost. “What’s wrong sweetheart?”

__________________________

When her mom asked her what was wrong with such a caring tone, it was like something broke in Stevie, and she lost any control she had left over her tears. She was beyond grateful that her mom wasn't fighting her to get either of them out the door to work and was willing to take some time for whatever this was going to be. Openly crying, she managed to choke out an “I don’t know. I feel so … empty I guess. Messed up.”

“Oh baby,” Elizabeth sighed, continue to rub up and down Stevie’s back.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Stevie cried, frustrated with the way she was falling apart.

“Nothing’s wrong with you honey. You’re going through a rough time right now. You ended a major relationship, and you’ve been putting in hours at the White House, which is certainly not a stress free environment. It sounds like it’s all taking a toll on you, which is perfectly okay. To be expected even,” Elizabeth said.

“I just feel like such a failure. I couldn’t make my relationship work. I can’t seem to keep Russell happy. I’m being a burden to you while you have the whole country to worry about, but all I want is to be held and, and taken care of,” Stevie said, choking on her tears at the end. She felt so ridiculously guilty for falling apart like she was, but at the same time she craved her mother’s comfort.

__________________________

Elizabeth’s heart broke hearing Stevie refer to herself as a burden. “Come her sweetheart,” she said, opening her arms and pulling Stevie up tight against her.

“You will never, ever be a burden to me. Ever. You got that?” Elizabeth said in a serious tone, placing a kiss on the top of her head. “I will always take care of you when you need it. You don’t ever need to feel bad about wanting that.”

Elizabeth paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts. The more Stevie said, the more she realized exactly how much her eldest was suffering and how much she had been hiding it. She knew there was a lot they needed to talk about, but she didn’t want to overwhelm her or push her too hard while she was so upset.

“It sounds like you’re really struggling right now sweetheart, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about that. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes, and it’s okay to admit you need a little help. I think we’ve got a lot more to talk about, but I also think you need to take a little while to fall apart and simply feel how you are feeling. I’m not going anywhere, just let it all out,” Elizabeth said, pulling Stevie even closer to her. There would be plenty of time to talk after Stevie calmed down. For now, she was going to hold Stevie as long as she needed to for her to feel at least a little better.

__________________________

Stevie cried harder at her mom’s words and the way she was taking care of her. She hadn’t realized how much she needed to hear what her mom said and how badly she needed this chance to fall apart while being taken care of.

Stevie buried her head against her mom’s neck as her mom hugged her tightly and ran a hand through her hair in a soothing manner.

“I’m right here baby,” her mom murmured as Stevie’s tears kept falling. “I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you Mom,” Stevie said into her mom’s neck. She knew she still had a lot to talk to her mom about and a lot to work through, but as her mom held her and rocked her muttering words of comfort, she felt just a little less empty.

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

[tiaragqueen]

Yandere azul, crowley and vil headcanons please

… I just realized that I’ve made the worst pun in Crowley part, and I feel weirdly proud of it.

If you like my writing, please support me on ko-fi!

Yandere! Azul Ashengrotto

🐙 Azul is greedy yet insecure. He absorbs every drop of your affection and is always thirsty for more. He isn’t above whining and guilt-tripping you when he feels that your attention has strayed. All of this happens behind the closed door since he can’t risk ruining his reputation. Nobody will believe you that the shady Azul is actually very sensitive and clingy except, of course, the eel twins.

🐙 If you’re immune to his whines and inky cries, then he can always blackmail you. Azul might be charming, smoothly bringing up your favorite topics and getting you to talk for hours, but it’s just the good part. The bad part is he knows almost everything about you, thanks to Jade. It’s unnerving to hear him listing off things that you thought nobody saw or should’ve known with that calm and calculated face. Well, you don’t want other students to learn about your ‘little’ secrets, do you? Even if they seem insignificant, it’ll definitely impact your reputation, you know? Do you want the others to know how ‘scandalous’ the new student is?

🐙 Azul isn’t very athletic, so in the instance where you’re able to escape him somehow, he’ll order the twins to get you. And that’s how he lured you in the first place, with their freakish charm and seeming kindness. He’s very reliant to them, and although the twins aren’t the most reliable people around, Azul's love life is certainly interesting enough for them to lend a hand once in a while. And honestly, with them as your pursuers, how high is the chance of you leaving the Octavinelle dorm – let alone asking for someone’s help? Most students are probably more afraid of them to bother assisting you, and even if one of them pities you, he’ll either suffer in their hands or being ordered by Azul to return you.

🐙 Despite his notoriety, Azul is very hardworking and organized. Regardless of how far you flee, you can guarantee that he’ll give it his all to search for you. Land, water, or air, it doesn’t matter. He’ll use his vast connection and big brain to keep you with him. And if you, for some reason, choose to go to the ocean – well, that just makes everything better, no? You can run however fast you are at land, but in water, he’s the king. And there’ll be nowhere for you to go other than his grasp because, surely, you don’t want to know what kind of horror that waits for you in the trenches, right?

Yandere! Dire Crowley

🎭 You can bet that he’s gonna prolong your stay and spout every excuse possible when questioned, regardless of how vague or downright ridiculous, it sounded. Despite how useless he can be, especially in dire situations, he holds the most authority at school. And what can an ‘alien’ like you do against him when he’s the only one who can return you to your world? No matter how many times he boasts about his so-called kindness, he can’t deny the sadistic pleasure of having you dance in his palm.

🎭 But yandere Crowley will be a little more attentive, such as bringing you food, asking the teachers to be a bit lenient towards you, and questioning your well-being and life in NRC. It’s not enough for people to start suspecting him as playing favorites, but it’s apparent that he’s nicer to you than to others. And obviously, he’ll dismiss it as him being ‘kind’. Isn’t it his job to care for his students, especially a magic-less one like you? You’re basically the weakest, after all.

🎭 He’ll stalk you, too. Sometimes he appears before you out of nowhere, almost resembling Lilia, and sometimes he transforms into a crow to avoid unwanted attention. He’ll watch you mind your business and occasionally chuckles to himself whenever you do something amusing. Oh, how cute you are, struggling to execute things that an ordinary magician can easily solve! He truly pities you... sometimes.

🎭 Once your patience finally ran out due to his vagueness and overall unreliability, he’ll swoop in and destroy the mirror right before your eyes. Where do you think you’re going? The lessons aren’t over yet. Don’t you want to become a great mage? It’s not good to half-ass things, you know, especially when he’s sacrificed so much to get you to this prestigious school with your lack of magic. So shouldn’t you thank him for his efforts? Doing odd jobs doesn’t count, you know? The only way to repay him is to stay here forever and be a good student for him. You’ll do that, won’t you? He’s your headmaster, after all. Therefore, his orders are absolute.

Yandere! Vil Schoenheit

💜 If he’s already strict to his dorm mates, then how much more strict can he be to you? Vil is a perfectionist in beauty, so it’s already expected of him to fuss over you, too. No more eye bags, sleeping late, sitting with your back hunched, or God forbids late-night snacks. You have to keep your appearance because the lover of Schoenheit has to exalt him as well. Even a stray hair is absolutely unforgivable!

💜 He’ll drill into your tiny brain all sort of manners only royalty would learn. Keep your back straight! Stand tall! Maintain your composure at all times! Don’t skip your meals! Don’t fidget! He has no problem repeating this until your ears bleed. You wonder what kind of things have you done in the past to deserve this, and frankly, it’s not even the worst part.

💜 Vil won’t hesitate to poison you if you prove to be more handful than he thought. He already has Epel to deal with; he can’t afford anymore nuisance, especially from his lover! It comes as a great disappointment for him to see you fighting him as if you know better than him. He’s not a dorm leader for nothing, you know? And he’ll ensure you learn this fact as he spills a few drops of purple liquid into your drink. Have you forgotten how he earned his title in the first place? Or how powerful Pomefiore students are when it comes to making potions?

💜 You thought you have little freedom with him, but in a love-struck state, there’s no such thing as autonomy anymore. This situation only comes when he becomes weary of your rebellion, so ensures you don’t anger him too much. It’s hard and probably challenging to your mental health, but at least, it’s a bit better than being a living doll for him to decorate as he pleases. Literally.

[sunshineandcybertronians]

Buffer - Knock Out x reader

Word count: 2, 503 Warnings: none A/N: Was washing a car, decided to write this and did a TON of research.

"(Y/n), you need to wash me and buff out these scratches. Earth is fun to race on, but can be a pain when dirt gets all over my finish!" Your friend, Knockout complained while brushing himself off as he entered the medbay. "And it doesn't help that the Autobots have to scratch me whenever I'm just doing my job.”

A while ago, when you were minding your own business, simply walking on the outskirts of Jasper, you spotted a fight. But not a normal fist exchange, giant robots who you would learn were called cybertronians. Knockout was in that fight. Before the other bots could, he grabbed you, transformed into an Aston Martin, and pulled you through a green-blue, swirling portal.

When he changed back when on the Nemesis, you, being the perfectionist you were at times, pointed out a nasty scratch and that he'd need to get that buffed out. To that comment he agreed. He told you that he captured you so you wouldn't run and tell all of your human friends about him, and later when their leader, Megatron questioned keeping you alive, he also said that you would be a good bargaining chip if the Autobots had something they wanted. Now you weren't a hostage. You helped Knockout with injured Decepticons, which you noted that he was actually a fairly good teacher. And, of course, you aided him with his cosmetic needs.

You smiled upon seeing him again, but it faded to a look of concern when he came closer and you could see the marks. The worst spot was above his right headlight. It had several small, horizontal cuts where the pain had been stripped off as if someone had taken a rock and swiped while dug it into that area.

"You're right." Then you remembered your act. "But I just buffed you two days ago," but even as you stated it, you were already getting out the wash mitts and buckets. The truth was, you loved Knockout's appearance and his paintjob, and would do anything to keep it looking as shiny and clean as Knockout always kept it. Plus, he was your friend. Even so, you would often pretend to resist because if he knew how willing you were to help him, he would have you doing it every three hours.

"Three days," he corrected. "And you're my assistant, thus you help me when I need it. Plus you never seem to mind once you're doing it."

You rolled your eyes playfully and made your way down to the floor, using the makeshift human sized stairs, holding a bucket of soup and water. "I think you forgot to mention that I'm your friend," you didn't even pretend to be upset in anyway.

"I didn't think I needed to." He lifted an optic ridge slightly and gave you a look that made your face faintly warm up.

"Okay, transform now so I can actually wash you," you set down the buckets and loosely cross your arms.

He complied and you got to work. Letting the blue, soft wash mitt around your hand soak into the soupy water, your thoughts wandered to when you got it.

You were standing at the counter with a wash mitt that had soft tassels covering it, along with soup and various other objects.

"That's a lot of stuff for washing a car," the balding middle aged man in the store's uniform commented. "It's going to look like you have a furry paw with this thing on," he joked, holding up the mitt before setting it down again.

"Maybe, but it's very absorbent and has chenille microfibers, making cleaning more efficient and will not scratch like a sponge or cloth would. Plus, wearing it will make it easier to move and get the correct motion," you blurted out a fragment of what you learned while googling the best materials to make Knock look even more perfect.

The man whistled and shook his head. "Wow. That's a lot of research. You must really love your car."

You thought about it for a second and nodded with a smile, "Yes, I do."

Now, you focused on the present, wiping the mitt full of soup smoothing over Knockout's hood. It was a task you always poured yourself into, being sure to clean every part of him aside from the undercarriage. You took care and extra time on the scratched area, absent mindedly admiring the paint that was still flawless, soup suds now adorning it.

"Is that good enough?" you asked, slipping off the wet wash mitt and setting it into the bucket. Although you were fairly certain you had done well enough, you wanted his opinion. The hand mirror that was sitting nearby was picked up by you and you held it up so Knockout could observe your work.

He hummed in approval. "Not bad, but I think I'll judge after you rinse and dry me."

"Will do," you agreed. You quickly grabbed the hose. Water spouted from the nozzle poured over him, washing the bits of white soup off of him and onto the floor. Once the bits of white disappeared, you twisted the hose until no more water leaked out of it. You stared at the paint intently to make sure you didn't accidentally leave microscopic scratches when cleaning him. The result satisfied you. Without any further delay, you whipped out a towel. Not just any towel, you couldn't use a normal one for drying off a car, especially not Knockout. It was a microfiber waffle weave towel. You began blotting off the water like you always would. Wiping could result in picked up dirt and scraping it along the paint, which was the last thing you or the medic wanted.

As soon as the rest of the water was picked up, you draped the towel on your arm and said, "Finished with the washing." Your mind was already making a list of what you needed next to buff him out.

He transformed back into bot form to inspect your work while you spun around to get the rotary buffer and other supplies."Not bad. Like always." He turned his arm over to check the door with its gray pattern. "And to think I once thought a human could never do something like this."

"Well I had to learn. I can't do a mediocre job on the great Knockout," you added with a playful smile.

"Where did you learn all of this? You certainly didn't know at first."

A lot of time on the internet, you were tempted to say. And you meant A LOT of time on the internet. Instead you settled for with a shrug, "I just picked it up."

His optics caught the area where the paint was torn off from the battle and he scowled. "But now it's time to get rid of THAT."

"On it," you carried the buffer, compound bottle, and bucket of paint as best you could. "Now that it's clean, I can reapply the paint."

Since Knockout would have to face the possibility of his paint getting ripped off whenever he encountered an Autobot, he had tons of his paint, so you wouldn't have to jump through hoops to find the right color and make sure it was made out of the right material so it wouldn't react badly with the rest of the paint.

You began to mask the headlight below the area you would repaint, as to not get anything on it that wasn't supposed to be there. There was no scratches in the primer, so you didn't need to add primer. With Knockout always keeping himself in prime condition, you didn't need to remove any rust since there was none. That removed two possible steps. You applied the wax and grease remover to the gray area before using a 220 grit sandpaper to smooth out the area for the paint to stick.

While doing this, you heard Knockout grunt from the slight pain caused by the sandpaper. "Sorry, are you alright? Should I be more gentle?" you asked with concern.

"Yeah. It's just a little uncomfortable. I'll be okay, just keep on doing that," he answered as his lights flickered at his words.

You nodded. Once you were done sliding the sandpaper back and forth, you washed that spot again to remove any debris. Next was the actual painting. The can hissed from the seal being broken as you slowly and delicately opened it. After mixing it, you painted on several thin layers. While waiting for each layer to dry, you would either talk to Knockout or he would transform to get some work done if it was semi dry.

When that was done, you pulled out three pieces of sandpaper to even the new paint that stuck up a little. Starting with the 1,000 grit sandpaper to get off the majority, then moving to 2,000 and after 3,000 as you got close to the level of the rest of the paint and needed more fine sandpaper. The next step was to add top coat, which was easier then the previous step.

In other words the whole thing was a long, tedious process. You understood completely why Knockout got so irritated whenever his paint was scratched. Especially since you were the one to fix it most of the time. Plus, you knew it made Knockout upset and you wanted him to look his best.

"Okay." You wiped off your forehead with your wrist. "Now time to get to the actual buffing. Would you like to do this part?" You sincerely hoped he said yes, because no matter how much you wanted to help him, you were getting tired.

"Mmm, I think I'll let you do it," his smooth voice answered. You could tell by his voice he didn't need time to think about it at all.

Sighing, you shook your head with a smile. "Of course. I'm just glad most of the time I'm polishing you and, less frequently, washing you."

"I'm sure you want my paint to look perfect just as much as I do, considering how much effort you put in."

"Maybe," you replied, tongue in cheek.

Now you needed to cover the windows and anything you didn't want compound on. Choosing the appropriate buffing pad and compound, you got right to it. You got the soft circular piece wet and squirted the cream onto it. Slowly and carefully rubbing the spinning pad in circles, making sure you got every spot. It took little effort for you to keep the pressure constant, considering how many times you had done it. The only time you had to think about it was when you reached an edge.

It was beautiful the way it made light swirls at first and make it disappear to reveal shiny paint. You absent mindedly tuned out the whirring of the motor as your brain wandered. Mostly thinking about Knockout, his finish, and how great he looked.

When that was over, you sighed and bent over with your hands on your knees, knowing you had to rinse and wash him all over again. If it weren't for the fact that there were lots of times you had to wait a certain amount of time after a step, you would have been completely winded.

"You're doing a great job, doll," he softly encouraged. "After you wash me off again, I can dry myself."

"Really?" you looked up and smiled at his kind offer that was much appreciated.

"Yep. Although, you'll need to get the parts that are difficult to reach."

"Deal," you almost laughed and felt your smile grow and energy returning.

You practically skipped to the hose. Once you finished spraying the crystal clear water onto him, wiping suds onto him, and rinsing him off all over again, you began to walk over to the corner to relax. A sharp, cool object touched your shoulder and you turned around to see Knockout with his helm tilted.

"I believe I need something." A smirk adorned his handsome face.

You remembered the towel. "Oh." You rushed to get it and bolted back over to him.

He held out his servo for the waffle weave towel. You smiled and nearly fell into a daydream as you stared up at him and handed it to him. Your heart skipped a beat when the edge of your hand brushed against the cool metal of his servo. After a few seconds, you managed to snap yourself out of it before he noticed. You turned, paced over, and flopped into your chair.

Sitting down in the bean bag chair, you bit your lip while you admired Knockout reaching all around his frame to dry himself off. You wished that you could wash and buff him while he was in bot mode, but then you wouldn't be able to reach very far with how small you were.

The daydream and staring session only ended when Knockout tossed the towel to you. It softly hit you in the face and dropped into your lap, leaving a shocked expression on your face.

"Now it's your turn." Knockout winked and shifted back into an Aston Martin.

A low laugh vibrated in your throat, but never left your mouth. You quickly inspected him and got any spot he missed. After that was completed, you got another pad and wax. You set it on low speed and smeared and smoothed the wax onto him. It took a good amount of time, but it seemed faster with you spacing out. As a final touch, you wiped him down with a microfiber cloth to take off any extra wax that didn't need to be there.

When you were finally, completely done, he looked absolutely gorgeous. His paint was a thing of beauty. You had gotten a lot of practice at that kind of thing by being around Knockout, and it showed. You could see your reflection on him. He seemed even more attractive and shiny after transforming.

He whistled while admiring your handy work. "You're a master at this."

"Why would I give you any less except my best?" You threw your extra hand into the air as you used the other to put the rotary buffer away.

His optics looked it over another time. "This is nice. Can you do this again another time?

You let out a laugh before you could stop yourself. "No. I just did it." part of you was exhausted and never wanted to do it again, but another part was completely okay with it because, well, he was Knockout.

"C'mon, you know you love me." He set a servo on his shining hip, showing off his signature, amazing grin.

A smirk crept onto your lips. "Yes, I do."

Extended ending: "Argh!" you heard Starscream's voice from behind the door after Knockout walked out. "Your finish is so bright, it's hurting my optics! Did you make (Y/n) buff you again?!"

You gently held your hand over your mouth and giggled.

[razorblade180]

Venqua Week:Music

“When you-gah! No, that’s not right. When- ugh! Come on Ventus, you can do this!” The boy said, frustratingly tuning a guitar. He had been at this for months now. It all started when Namine moved into the Land of Departure with him, Terra, and Aqua. The boy had stumbled upon her drawings and by extension, the arts itself. He was completely hooked. Outside of fighting, Ventus didn’t have much time to explore possible talents. He was determined to find a hobby he was good at! It took all of ten minutes of Namine teaching him about color theory for him to realize that maybe literal art wasn’t his calling.

That’s when Namine recommended music. Seemed like a good idea. He didn’t want to brag, but Ventus always thought he was a bit musically inclined. Between dancing and the ice cream beat machine, he thought learning an actual instrument would come easy. Wrong! It was critically difficult! Three months into learning guitar and his confidence was was fading like the golden sunset that washed over him as he sat at the edge of the trio’s stargazing spot. Ventus played a few more strings and sighed. It didn’t sound off. Honestly it never was. The problem was his nerves. Ventus was trying to be a perfectionist with the only song he’s been able to learn so far. All for a special someone, Aqua.

He had always had certain feelings for his friend, but expressing them was beyond impossible. Any time he tried to show her a cooler, more mature side of himself it never worked out. He’d either screw up really hard, or Aqua would do her pretty little giggle while patting his head like he was some sort of puppy. He was not a puppy darn it! Ventus wanted to at least be a cooler, older anime. Something like a fox or a leopard. Just once, he wanted to leave Aqua speechless. He thought a singing to her would be his best bet. His face face grew redder at the thought of her listening to the song in awe, her deep blue eyes captivated by his feelings.

“Geez, I’m so hopeless.” He said, covering his face. Ventus turned his head towards his master’s keyblade that rested peacefully just several feet away. He wondered if Master Eraqus had any hidden talents? No way keyblade wielding was his only gift. If Aqua’s fighting style was any indication, the old man was probably a bunch of fun on the dance floor. The thought of him doing even half the moves Aqua did was enough to make Ventus laugh lightly. Once again he strummed his guitar. “Oh master, you think I stand a chance?”

“Stand a chance at what?” A voice asked from behind. Ven’s face went bright red, then pale in a less than a second when he realized it was Aqua. She smiled her beautiful smile like she always did and held a crown of flowers in her hand.

“A-Aqua!?” He stammered, “W-What brings you up here....!?” He wanted to hit himself right now. The answer to that was quite literally in front of him.

“Changing out Master Eraqus’s flowers” she answered anyways. Aqua walked over to the memorial and did just that. The old ones weren’t dead yet, but their color was obviously starting to fade. Still, they looked rather pretty. So pretty in fact, Aqua took it upon herself to sat right next to ventus and hang it around neck. “Wow, I’m a little surprised it passed your hair so easily. I thought it would sit on top.” She teased, ruffling the wild dew.

“Hey! It’s not that spiky! Also my head would have to massive for it to sit on top!” He pouted. Why is always a head rub!? This time he was minding his own business and still wound up like this. “Do you have a thing with my hair or something? You’re always doing stuff like this.”

“Of course. You always pout and turn red. It’s cute.” She answered, watching him get redder. Aqua couldn’t help herself. Teasing Ven like this was just irresistible. “So, what is it that you were trying to stand a chance in? Maybe I can help?”

“What? Oh! Umm it was nothing! Just talking aloud is all.” Lying was not a strength Ventus had.

“Really?” Aqua said sarcastically. She reached over to the guitar in his arms and ran her fingers across the strings, making a subtle but pleasant sound from it. “Nothing to do with the acoustic currently in your hands?” She looked at the blue eyes that were inches away and avoiding contact. Aqua tilted her head, a bit confused by Ven’s shyness. “Ven, I’m not a mind reader. Tell me what’s up?”

“If you read minds then you know mine only has you in it.” He thought to himself. “I’m just having a little trouble with a song I wanna sing. I learned all the notes and everything, but I get anxious anytime it comes to playing the whole thing.”

“How come?”

“I’m...self conscious is all.” It wasn’t a lie but it was certainly vague. “Any time I think about singing it the way I intend to, I get worried if it sounds bad or if I look like an idiot.” Ven could feel his heart beating so loudly that he was afraid Aqua might here it. Here being this close was nothing new, yet it too much to deal with.m right now moved back a little by pretending to readjust how he was sitting.

Aqua could the boys hand fidget a little. He wasn’t kidding at all about feeling anxious. She had never seen him so flustered when it came to things like this. Aqua had caught him a few times over the past few months really putting an effort into learning when nobody was around. She had even secretly caught him sneaking off early in the morning to find a place to practice. Learning this song must’ve been really important. For Aqua, that only left one response to this.

“Can I hear it?”

Ven was going to have a heart attack. “What!?”

“I wanna hear it.” She repeated, “We’re often our own worst critics. If you only play with no one around then you might always think it needs improvement, so let me hear it. I’ll give my honest opinion!” She said, excited to listen.

“That’s the one thing that scares me!!!” Ventus could not believe this was happening. How was he supposed to explain to her that she couldn’t listen because he was doing it all for her!? She even gave a valid reason for helping! “Oh, no I uh- you don’t have to do all that! Hehe, I just-” he stopped when he saw Aqua move to sit on her knees. His crush sat patiently with her hands resting her hands on her lap, a heart stealing smile still on her face. Here she was. Here they were. Two people bathed in the golden light of a sunset. Warm air and breath stealing views anywhere you looked. A gentle breeze made Aqua run a finger across her face. All attention was on him. Well, no time like the present right? Ven stood no chance of resisting with a face like that.

He sat facing her, legs crossed. He new his face was still red and the sound of his beating heart hadn’t gotten any calmer. However, a comfort came from that with a mix of excitement. An honest truth about his feelings. He really had fallen for her and wanting nothing more to express his feelings with all of his heart.

“Aqua...can I ask a favor?” He somehow managed to say. “Can you...close you eyes while I sing to you?”

The request was surprising but understandable. This was more about sound then sight anyways. “Okay.” She closed her eyes in earnest. “Ready...” For some reason Aqua felt herself get a little embarrassed as well. She hoped it didn’t show on her face.

Ventus took the deepest breath he could. Mustering his resolve and composing himself, Ventus began to strum.

🎶When you walk away, you don't hear me say

"Please, oh baby, don't go."

Simple and clean

Is the way that you're making me feel tonight

It's hard to let it go....🎶

Yeah, Aqua could totally feel herself starting to blush. Ven was only a few lyrics in, but she couldn’t think of a time she heard a more stunning voice.

🎶You're giving me, too many things, lately

You're all I need, oh~

You smiled at me and said...

"Don't get me wrong, I love you

But does that mean I have to meet your father?"

When we are older, you'll understand what I meant when I said

"No, I don't think life is quite that simple"

When you walk away, you don't hear me say

"Please, oh baby, don't go."

Simple and clean

Is the way that you're making me feel tonight

It's hard to let it go🎶

Ventus felt his nerves melt away as he kept playing. His mind was too focused on the notes to worry. Too focused on the girl in front of him. He was starting to find his stride.

The daily things, Like this and that and what is what

That keep us all... busy are confusing me~

That's when you came to me and said

"Wish I could prove I love you but does that mean I have to walk on water?"

When we are older, you'll understand it's enough when I say so

And maybe some things are that simple.

When-🎶

His serenade was unexpectedly cut short. Aqua had reached for his hand and stopped him from playing. Ven’s heart skipped a beat. For a moment, nothing but dread filled his thoughts. Did she hate it? Why else would he stop him midway. He would’ve asked, but Ventus couldn’t find the words. Not out of fear, but because of the look on Aqua’s face. Her calm demeanor was entirely gone. A the warmest smile Ven has ever laid eyes on was on her face with rose red cheeks. “A-Aqua...?” He finally spoke.

“S...sorry.” She spoke, “it’s just...well....” finding the words was a little difficult. Aqua couldn’t help but laugh at her own skittishness. “You confessing to me like this might be a little more than my heart can handle.” There, she said it. She watched a Ven’s eyes start getting bigger and bigger while his face tried rivaling hers in terms of red.

“Y...You knew I-”

“Of course.” Aqua giggled, “I watch you just as much as you watch me you know? Because...I like you...too. A lot.”

Ventus must’ve been dreaming. Chirithy has to have put him in a special dream. It’s the only way this made sense. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Like he was one to talk.

Aqua rubbed the back of her neck, “I’m not very good with this kind of stuff. Even though I had a feeling you liked me, I just couldn’t find the nerve. Then I started thinking about how I could be wrong and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I kept finding reasons to keep quiet. But next thing I know is I started thinking more and more about these feelings sense we got back home and I-” Aqua jumped at the touch of Ven’s hand grab hers. She’s glad he did it, or else she might’ve rambled for hours.

A pressure weighed on their chest. One that was slowly pulling them together. The two of them couldn’t speak, only lean closer. They wanted the same thing. They knew it buy all the blushing moments and not so secret glances. Aqua moved the guitar away from Ven to get even closer. Ven invited the approach by tugging her hand closer to him. Her face had to be only inches away. Way to far for his liking. Aqua finally spoke.

“I think we should both close our eyes this time.” She said, flustered by her own suggestion. She was glad she managed to say it though. The moment his eyes closed, Aqua understood why he asked before. Filled with ease and courage, Aqua pressed her lips against the ones that had just serenaded her moments ago. Neither kept track how long they remained like this and neither cared. The only thing that mattered was it had finally happened; and it was only going to keep happening for many days to come.

[many thanks to @venquaweek because fun fact, I’ve had this music idea for three years and never wrote it 😂]

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Like Real People Do

Warnings: noncon/dubcon elements (rough sex, oral), deception.

This is dark!Loki and ft. some Steve and explicit. 18+ only.

Summary: You’re a temp in Stark Tower by day and a fanfic writer by night. What happens when your professional life collides with your secret hobby?

Note: Brief break from HSB but I’m gonna be working on that today and hopefully figuring out when I’ll finish my other pending series. I need to wrap some stuff up so I can move on to newer series, etc. But for now, I hope you like some sneaky Loki.(inspired by an anon ask) Love you guys!

Leave some feedback, like and reblog if you can <3

It was your second week at the tower. You were still in disbelief. Working with larger than life heroes. Literally. And a paid internship no less. It was like a scene out of your very own fic. Well, those could stay a secret. Especially here. 

The golden haired vet and his billionaire pal didn't need to know about your blog. Or that they were the main attraction of it. Or that you had a notebook in your bag of all the ideas that came to you as you typed away at your desk. And who would guess the new assistant was anything but a chipper upstart?

It was almost thrilling. Smiling at them as the plots whirred in your mind. The comments of other thirsty fangirls. And it was all harmless. Just fantasies. Dreams. You'd get your job experience and be on the way all while fueling your illicit hobby. 

It was busy that day. Traffic came in and out as you waved them along and checked in when Tony buzzed. It was an easy job and time passed quickly with the people.

As you looked up, you almost rolled your chair out from under you.  You dropped your pen and quickly retrieved it from your desk. You smiled up at the burly man as he approached you, a thinner, just a familiar man at his shoulder.

"Hello," You sang as you stood to greet him. "You here to see Tony?"

"Why yes I am," The large blonde boomed in response. "You are new here, my lady?"

"Started just over a week ago," You introduced yourself as he offered his hand. "And you're Thor obviously."

He smiled as the other man rolled his eyes. You righted yourself and shook off your excitement. You glanced at him meekly and cleared your throat. 

"Ah, yes, and this is Loki, my brother," Thor chuckled. "He's the quiet type."

You nodded and sat back down. "I'll let him know you're here if you wanna head in."

"Certainly, but if you don't mind, my brother will stay out here." He elbowed Loki playfully, "He's not exactly permitted beyond the desk."

"It was a joke," Loki grumbled, "Your midgardian friends need to evolve a sense of humour."

"Just sit down," Thor turned back to Loki. "And don't give her too much trouble."

Loki rolled his eyes again and retreated. "Don't worry, brother," He sat among the line of chairs, "I'm not so easily amused."

Thor sighed and turned back as he headed past your desk with another smile.  Loki leaned back and draped one leg over the other. You took out your cell and hid it behind your monitor as you checked your notifications. 

You scrolled for a while and set it aside. Several visitors and regulars passed but a tension remained. The office phone rang and you answered with your usual chime. You turned halfway in the chair as you took the call.

You got down to search through the files in your drawer and as you sat up, you found a lithe figure standing not far from your desk. Loki examined the framed photo of Stark and his lab in London. You finished up your call and hung up as he turned away.

He sat again and tapped his toe impatiently. He ran his long fingers down the lapel of his dark suit as he leaned heavily on his elbow. His green eyes stared dully at the wall opposite him, just right of your desk. You peeked at him and squinted. He caught you before you could look away. He smirked.

You looked down and scribbled along the border of the calendar across your desk. You could sense him watching you. You ignored him as you waited for his brother to return. You slid your phone closer and swiped it open. A message blipped in your inbox.

‘Very intriguing stories’. It read. You hurriedly tapped in a ‘thank you’, hit send and locked your phone again. You stared at the screensaver as it bubbled up the monitor.

Finally, you heard that deep voice again. You glanced over your shoulder as Thor appeared beside your desk with Tony. They chuckled as they neared but Loki did not rise. 

“Fine. You keep him in line and I can put up with him. I let the rest of the team know.” Tony said.

“Oh, you know, he’s not all bad,” Thor grinned at Loki and beckoned him over with two fingers. He didn’t move. “He’s a changed god. Trust me.”

“Mmhmm,” Tony hummed skeptically. “We’ll see but you understand, it all comes down on you.”

“You two are much more alike than you think,” Thor laughed. “You both worry too much!” He turned and swept over to Loki. “Come on, brother, before your sour face changes his mind.”

Loki stood with a huff but followed his brother out; chin held high and eyebrow arched. Tony shook his head and leaned on your desk. 

“Word of warning: avoid that one.” He grumbled and you nodded with a shy smile. “Oh, and, coffee. Please. Need it after that one.”

🖋️

Thor and Loki became another staple in the office. By the end of your first month, you were over being star struck. The avengers, the worldly heroes, they were all just your co-workers. And they were nice. Nat brought you a frap every now and then, Steve always went out of his way to say hi, and Bruce was just happy to have someone who would smile and nod through his scientific spiels.

And your blog was booming.

Every night when you got home, you wrote and posted as much as you could. Your small following had doubled and so had your enthusiasm. You might’ve felt a tinge of guilt as you sat across the desk from America’s saviour or his grungy best friend, but they made for steamy fics. Besides, you reminded yourself, it was fiction. You knew the difference between fantasy and reality.

That didn’t always keep you from daydreaming in the office. That day you found yourself doing so several times as Tony stayed late for his last meeting and you were chained to your desk until he was done. You spun lazily in your chair and checked your phone every now and then. You wanted to write but you didn’t dare do that on a work computer.

Finally, the door opened and you looked over as the two shadows neared. Steve clapped Tony on the back. You sat, patiently patient, as you tore yourself from your thoughts. Tony checked his watch as Steve bid you farewell and waited for him to leave before he turned to you.

“Well, kid, I guess you can head out,” He said. “See ya tomorrow, bright and early?”

“You sure?” You asked coyly.

“Don’t push me. I can always find some colour-coding that needs to be done.” He teased. “I gotta find Pepper before she finds me.” He straightened his jacket. “Have a good one. And wish me luck… I’m only about an hour late.”

He strode out and you stood from your chair with a long stretch. Maybe you’d ask for an upgrade in seating. You packed up your purse and the elevator dinged again. You looked up, surprised. Steve waved awkwardly as he entered. 

“Hey, you know, I was just about to leave and I realised, well, it’s late and…” He shrugged, “You need a ride?”

“A ride?” You repeated as you grabbed your blazer from the back of your chair. “Oh, you really don’t have to--”

“It’s dark and kinda chilly. I got heated seats,” He offered. “But I can understand if you prefer those luxury subway recliners.”

 “Alright, you’ve twisted my arm.” You rounded the desk and neared him. “Thanks, Steve. You’re a real hero.”

“Well, that’s what they say,” He smiled as he led you to the elevator and hit the button. “So, where exactly am I going?”

🖋️

Once you were in the car, you were near giddy. It was a bit reminiscent of your last fic. An indulgence on your part. You resisted the urge to pull out your phone as you smiled at him from your seat, his sparkling blue eyes reflected the street lights. Captain America, the Captain America, was driving you home.

Alright, alright, settle down. He was just a man and he was just being nice. And you were terribly quiet, weren’t you?

“Um, so, how was your day?” You asked nervously.

“Ah, usual,” He said. “Tony’s such a perfectionist. We’re headed… we’ll, we’re due for a mission and he’s been lecturing me about ‘unnecessary heroics’, although I call those my job.”

“Mmm,” You nodded emphatically. “Sounds exciting… dangerous.”

“Surely more than riding a desk,” He chuckled. “How’s it going, anyway? You ready to bring a pillow with you or what?”

“Ha, yeah,” You scoffed. “I mean, I’ve had worse. There was an unpaid internship I had entirely in a mail room. Amazing experience.”

“Sounds like,” He returned as the GPS guided him down your street. “You should see if Tony can show you around the lab. He’s always keen to show off his latest toys.”

“Maybe I will,” You chirped as he pulled into your building lot. “Thanks again for the ride.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t feel right. I was already there and--” He put the car into park as he looked at you. “And well, I’ll be honest. Forgive me if it’s a little forward but… we don’t really get much time, do we? In the office, there’s so many distractions and interruptions--”

You giggled nervously as he stretched his arm over the back of your seat.

“What I’m trying to say is it was my pleasure.”

You looked down shyly. Your cheeks burned and you slowly looked back up. You squeaked as his lips met yours. You tried to pull away but he only leaned in more. While it wasn’t entirely unwanted, you couldn’t help but think of your internship. He didn’t seem the type for one night stands and you weren’t exactly fond of the idea of an office romance; even with him.

“Steve,” You finally parted, breathless.

“Sorry, sorry, I just…” He sat back and looked at his hands meekly. “I had to. I’m sorry if I--”

“Really, it… it was nice but I just don’t think…”

“You liked it though?” He interrupted.

“Of course, I mean, I--” You caught yourself and squeezed the strap of your purse. “I can’t really afford to lose this internship and this could--”

“No one needs to know,” He blurted out. “I know how these things are nowadays. I just… I really like you.”

“I don’t know,” You bit your lip. “I… um…”

“Look, I won’t pressure you.” He raised his hands. “I just was putting myself out there. I guess… bad timing.”

You looked at your purse then back to him. You peered around the car. Who would know? Well, you would and Steve would. Things might get awkward if you were to… Then again, this was a dream come true. Were you really going to get out of this car alone? You couldn’t help but wonder if reality lived up to fiction.

“You’re right,” You said quietly. “No one needs to know.”

🖋️

Steve had you off the floor before the door was closed. Your purse bounced across the carpet as he carried you past the doormat and the flimsy coat rack. He blindly lumbered around with you in his arms, your lips locked together. He fell onto the couch with you beneath him as you pushed the leather of his coat down his shoulders.

He parted to help you untangle it from his arms and was just as quick to tear your blazer off and toss it away. His tee shirt was next and your blouse barely kept its buttons as he ripped it off. You never expected such vigour from him; more a doting sore of intimacy, not that you were complaining. 

You slipped out of your heeled oxfords and he kicked off his own shoes as you admired his torso. Every muscle rippled beneath his flawless skin and for a moment, you felt a tickle of insecurity. Look at him. He was perfect.

The jingle of his buckle drew you back. You bit your tongue eagerly as you stood and wiggled out of your stuffy dress pants. His eyes followed your hands as you bared your thighs and stepped out of the wool. With his fly undone, he reached out and drew you to him. He kissed you again as you straddled his lap.

His hands were swift in unhooking your bra. Another surprise. You always dreamt of the clumsy pan plucked from the past. You dropped the undergarment down your arms as he cupped your tits. You flung it away and wrapped your arms around him. You tossed your head back as his lips tickled your throat and rocked atop his lap. He groaned and ran his thumbs over your nipples.

You purred and felt along his chiseled torso. You pushed your hand past his jeans and the elastic of his briefs. Your fingers slipped below as he gasped against your throat. You gripped his cock and slowly moved your hand between your bodies. He was thick and just as big as you imagined; maybe bigger. 

He bent his head and kissed along your chest. You arched your back and twined your fingers through his hair. You held him to you as you stroked him and he kneaded your ass hungrily. He lifted his ass easily with you atop him and shoved his pants down his thighs until he sprung out. 

You carried your motion as he fell back against the couch. His hands trailed up your sides and back again. He gripped your hips then dragged his nails down your thighs. He nodded as you bit your lip and got up on your knees. You hovered over him and shed your panties. You straddled him again and lined him up with your entrance. You lowered yourself onto him as you slid your hand down his length. 

He squeezed your thighs and let out a long moan as you took all of him. You pulled your hand away and grasped his shoulders. He was a lot and your walls strained around him. You shuddered and his fingers danced up your curves.

“Go slow,” He said.

You nodded and tilted your pelvis carefully. Your breaths were shaky as you lifted yourself up and he impaled you once more. You leaned back with your hands on his thighs as you tried to ease the pressure. His eyes roved your body as you rocked your hips, slowly building your tempo.

“That’s it,” He uttered. 

He explored your body with one hand and his other rested just below your stomach. He pressed his thumb to your clit. You bucked and sped up as he played with you. You huffed as you arched your back and rode him wildly. Your eyes rolled back as you chased your orgasm. The tendrils that stretched over your flesh and strangled you in bliss.

Your climax shook you. He grasped your hips and kept you moving as your arms trembled weakly. “So naughty,” He whispered. His voice was low, dusky; so unlike his own. “So delectable.”

Your vision was blurry as you lifted your head. You let him use your body as another orgasm rose. You sat up as he guided you up and down his cock. You whined as you came and closed your eyes in rapture.

You cried out as you were suddenly flipped onto you back. He didn’t miss a beat as he fucked you into the cushions, your legs splayed around him. His snarls were animalistic, ravenous, as he rutted into you. You babbled and grabbed weakly at his thick arms planted beside your head.

He pulled out and grunted. A warmth spilled down your thighs as he pushed himself back onto his knees. He watched as he stroked himself over the edge and his golden hair fell forward. You sighed as you touched your forehead dazily. He caressed your thighs as he caught his breath.

“Wow,” You murmured.

“Yeah,” He panted. “Wow.”

🖋️

In the back of your mind, you dreaded the early morning but you were too elated to care. Too intoxicated by your lust to worry about the body next to you as you fell asleep. Your double bed was barely big enough for both of you but you didn’t mind his warmth as he slung his arm over you. You dozed contently; floating in a river of bliss.

You woke with a snort. Your face was buried in the pillow and the sky was still dark outside. You sat up groggily and felt your way to the bathroom. You relieved yourself and rinsed off the remnants of your tumble. You stumbled back to the bedroom, eager to squeeze in a few more hours before you had to drag yourself back to the tower. 

You tiptoed out to the living room and grabbed your phone before you got back into bed, careful not to disturb your guest. As you laid back and lit up your phone, you dropped it on your chest. You lifted it and held up the glow to the pillow next to yours. That wasn’t Steve.

You swore loudly and threw your phone at Loki. His eyes shot open as yours began to adjust to the dark. You pushed yourself up as he caught your wrist. A low snicker sent a chill through you as he tugged you closer. His arm snaked up below you and he pulled you against him.

“’His eyes spoke of his sin, but his body promised heaven.’” He slithered and you froze. “Poetry, almost.”

“You-- How did you--” You cringed at your own words; written for your lascivious blog.

“I do wonder what he would think,” Loki clung to you as you squirmed. “I don’t think he’d be so eager as all that.”

“How could you-- You tricked me,” You pushed against his shoulders.

“I gave you what you wanted,” He said. “And you can’t say you didn’t enjoy it, dear.”

“I thought you were...him,” You stuttered. “I never would have--”

“I can be him,” You felt the change, heard it in his voice. “Or maybe another favourite.” His voice deepened and you recognized Bucky’s sonorous tones.

“No, no,” You whined desperately. “Stop! Please.”

“Stop?” His voice returned to normal and he turned so that you were atop him, his arms firmly around you. “Oh, but I am your biggest fan, dear. I have but one suggestion.” He stared at you through the dim. “I’d be a great addition to your repertoire.”

“You’re sick!” You snarled. “You--you--”

“I know your secret,” He sneered. “I admit, your little tales would make for some fascinating conversation among those ridiculous Avengers but I think you might just find yourself no longer welcome among them.”

“You wouldn’t,” You hissed.

“What makes you think that?” He taunted.

“What do you want?” You breathed.

“I’m sure your dirty little mind can answer that,” His hand wandered lower and you felt the twitch between you. “Hmm?”

You shook your head; mortified, shocked.

“You can resist it but I feel your heart racing; the heat coursing through your veins… mmm, that would make for great prose, wouldn’t it?”

“Please…” You begged.

“Oh, I can please you,” He said. “You just have to let me, dear.”

He rolled you onto your back in a moment and his hand crawled along your stomach cloyingly. You stared at him, his silhouette limned in the dull light that streamed in past the curtains. He slowly retreated as he lowered his head. His lips made you shiver as he laid a trail of kiss along your chest.

“Loki…” You whispered.

“Louder,” He spoke against your skin.

“Loki,” You said louder. “Please, don’t.”

He continued his path along your stomach, a hand played with your tits blindly as he did. You trembled as he reached the vee of your pelvis. His teeth grazed your hip bone and you closed your eyes. You caught his hand on your chest.

“Loki,” You said again.

“My dear,” He raised his head. “I’m about to put your stories to shame.”

He slipped his fingers up along your ass and between your folds. You winced as he bent his head and his cool tongue met his fingers at your clit. You inhaled sharply and tilted your pelvis against him. He purred in approval as he swirled his tongue around your clit.

You reached down to stop him and he flicked his tongue. Your fingers tangled in his hair and you urged him on. Your legs bent around him as he nestled between them. He hooked his hands around your thighs and held on as he lost himself in you. You writhed as he suckled and lapped, soon breathless and mewling.

You bucked your hips as you came and he held you firm as he coaxed you over the edge. He was slow to pull away and you covered your face as he sat up in the dark. 

“Don’t be shy, dear,” He drew your hands away from your face. “You don’t have to be with me. I know everything. I’ve read every story a dozen times.” He pinned your hands beside your head. “And I want to live them all.”

He held you down as he dipped his pelvis. You felt his tip along your cunt and held your breath. There was one part of himself he hadn’t changed. The head of his cock slid along your folds and he slowly pushed inside as he found your entrance. You gasped as he plunged into you entirely. He lingered and basked in the feel of you around him.

He wasn’t slow this time. Or gentle. As he thrust, he jerked your entire body and the bed swayed beneath you. You were still tender from before and you whimpered as he rocked into you. His motion was deliberate and deep. He was sure to make you feel it. He squeezed your wrists until your fingers were numb.

“Say it,” He snarled as he pounded into you. “Say my name.”

“Loki,” You cried out. “Loki!”

“Again!” He commanded.

You repeated his name over and over, though you weren’t sure if you were begging him to stop or keep going. It wasn’t long before your core was once more buzzing. You pushed your head back into the pillow and gritted your teeth as the chant turned erratic. You squealed as you came, the syllables uttered pathetically.

He released your wrist as he sat back. He grabbed your legs and pulled them up against his torso but never wavered. He hammered into you as he held your legs to his shoulders and you groped desperately at the blanket. The springs of the bed were noisy and added to the salacious sounds of your fucking. 

He stopped suddenly. A few final spasms as he hugged your legs to him and gave a soft groan. You felt the warmth seep through you. He dropped your legs and they fell around him as he breathed heavily. He rocked his hips a few times before he pulled out of you. You could feel his cum as it leaked out onto the sheets.

He ran his hand along your thigh and squeezed it. He nudged you and when you didn’t move, he forcefully rolled you over. He slapped your ass as he pushed your legs together and straddled your thighs. You lifted your head and he shoved it back down..

“My dear,” He slithered. “I think I might just be your best story.”

[rpgmgames]

August’s Featured Game: Marinette

DEVELOPER(S): Teal Crown ENGINE: RPG Maker MV GENRE: Horror, Puzzle, Adventure WARNINGS: Sensitive Themes, Blood/Light Gore SUMMARY: A little girl named Marinette, in the wake of a splitting family and a change of homes, is having a birthday. But this, her eleventh birthday, will present a deadly opportunity to fulfill a special promise. On the night before her birthday, she is drawn into a strange realm; an unnatural dollhouse, populated with dolls who are not quite what they seem. A web of strings lying in wait, and threatening to ensnare the poor marionette; warping her perception, and twisting her every move. Will the strings attach, and force her to become an unwilling puppet, or will she escape this surreal web of strings? What will she have to do to avoid the dangers of the dollhouse, and set herself free?

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! *Mitty: "Hello, I'm Mitty! Thank you so much for the opportunity to participate in this interview. I'm the main developer of the game and I'm working with a team of friends to make this game a reality. I work mainly on the visuals and programming, and I'll be representing the team, alongside Third! I've been on the community for around two years, even though I tend to not be active very often." *Third: "Hoi, I’m Third! I appreciate you reaching out to interview us. I’m the main composer and writer of Marinette, and I work under Mitty to make the story and soundtrack what we want it to be. I’ve been in the community for little less than Mitt but am even less active in most of my developer discords."

What is your project about? What inspired you to create this game initially? *Mitty: "The game is essentially about a girl that gets trapped inside a dollhouse. A simple concept really can go far ahaha I've always loved themes related to creepy dolls so I wanted to create something related to that. What pushed me initially to start were obviously the inspiration of seeing other devs creating, seeing how far you could go with these engines and create amazing interactive stories, however the huge support from a friend was what made me actually start past the planning and dreaming!" *Third: "Marinette is a story about a little girl becoming entangled in the complicated family and supernatural landscape she finds herself in on her birthday. I enjoy writing short stories about this kind of thing so it’s fantastic to work on a larger project about one of my favorite subjects. My primary inspiration and introduction to this kind of game in general was Pocket Mirror, and I use it the most as a model for how to do certain things. However, I also draw a lot of inspiration from masterpieces like Aria’s Story, Ib, Witch’s House, and Alice Mare."

How long have you been working on your project? *Mitty: "The project has been in the works for around two years now! The first year was mostly planning and right now we are on the right track with the programming and asset creation for the demo, as well as music and sound design for later development. Planning isn't over yet though, especially for the final game." *Third: "I’ve been working on this for almost two years. The soundtrack possessed most of my earlier attention, but now it’s taken a backseat to writing, now that I’m actively writing the scripts for the game now. "

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Mitty: "Yes! The game has inspirations from plenty of sources, not only strictly RPG Maker Horror games, or games in general for that matter. If I were to mention those, of course games like Ib, The witch's house, Alice Mare, Pocket Mirror, Yume Nikki & .flow, Stray Cat Crossing, Mogeko's games...etc quickly come to mind. When it comes to the aesthetics and visuals, the inspirations come from several different places, including games like Alice Madness Returns, Dofus, Yomawari, The Legend of Mana, Little Nightmares...the list goes on; or other media, like Inu Curry's animation style or video creator nana825763, as well as some anime and music videos. Silent hill is also a huge inspiration for the atmosphere, and hopefully we can pull it off well!" *Third: "My primary inspiration, as I’ve said earlier, is Pocket Mirror, both for its masterful writing and soundtrack. The game’s soundtrack is the main reason I still play piano. Whenever I’m feeling musical, my fingers always hunt out the same kind of haunting, mysterious, and sometimes peaceful and playful melodies that Pocket Mirror is rife with. In the end, our soundtrack is probably going to sound like Pocket Mirror and Aria’s Story’s soundtracks were meshed together. Story wise, commonplace elements in this genre like demons, monsters, mean parents and puzzles that tell the story are commonplace for a reason, and certainly find their way into this one, in their own special way. Every other game I’ve mentioned involves them in some form or another. And young, curious protagonists are also a blast to write and do evil things to and put in difficult, dangerous situations. "

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *Mitty: "We surely have! Many of them in different areas ahaha Taking away bug hunting, I am primarily an artist, so programming for me is a secondary thing. Because of this it's easy to get carried away and hard to realise what can and can't be done. I don't want the game to be visually boring if I can make things move and seem alive! The way I'm handling it is programming like an artist: I think in my head what cool things I can do with my art by not having it completely still, and then it's a matter of executing it on the engine. However this comes with a downside. I tend to tweak things a lot, and that takes quite some time, but I honestly think it's worth it ahaha Also I find it hard to start writing, but when I do, I can't stop orz. Other challenges are also finding plot holes. This is fixed with a lot of studying the story, gathering inspiration and talking with the team. I also struggle a bit with communicating with the team, but thankfully they are all very nice and understanding." *Third: "Main challenge is overcoming the sheer weight of how much I have to learn about music and writing in order for this game to be what I want it to be. I’m a perfectionist, and when I care about something, I can’t tolerate it being worse than it could’ve been. Also, writing is getting more and more complicated and there’s more things and details to keep track of so as not to create inconsistencies or plot holes, especially as we try to revise it and make major changes to the story (Mitt will know what I’m talking about). "

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Mitty: "It changed a lot, not only in terms of the story and writing, but visually too. The basic concept is close to being the same, though. You can check out old posts in the blog where I consider different styles of mapping and such. Actually, don't, please. It's too old...and my writing...oh god." *Third: "The writing has come a long way, but now that we’ve fleshed out and written down much of the backstory, it’s a much more complicated story than what Mitt first showed me when I joined."

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Mitty: "Initially it was just me, occasionally having Mia to talk about the story and help develop it. Rindre joined as a voice actress very early on and also helped in other aspects of the game. Then I also talked about it with two friends I know in real life, one helped with organization and the other with some concept art, but they aren't that active anymore, even though I still count them as part of the team (Thank you guys btw if you're reading this). Eventually I met Third, an amazing composer and writer, and I asked him to join in! He brought along a friend who is also an amazing composer and writer, Code, and these two are complete madmen of music and writing and I'm super glad to be working with them, as they are super passionate and it makes me really happy ahaha. Bruno is also a really dedicated composer that is helping with a few tracks as well! Miku and Luccinia are two super talented and kind artists that have also been helping a ton with concept art, and their ideas have certainly improved the game as well. We are welcome to more concept artists, though! More heads, more ideas ahaha Recently we got the voice actresses for a few characters in the game, when we did the auditions, and hopefully soon another friend will jump aboard and help with organization and writing! We are a relatively small team, and sometimes progress goes a bit slowly since we can get busy, but we are all doing our best! I’m glad that I’m not alone. Links for their pages and such can be found on the team section on the blog, go support them if you can!"

What is the best part of developing a game? *Mitty: "For me, personally, I love seeing what my team mates come up with, whether it is music or concept art. I also enjoy the love and support we get, and it makes me excited in the development. As for the creation part, I like programming challenging cutscenes and doing cool things with the assets. Progress updates can also be fun to make when I have the time." *Third: "My favorite part is showing Mitt what I’ve written and composed. Making her happy and excited with my work is extremely fulfilling. "

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Mitty: "Oh, yes! Besides being a cool break from programming hell, it helps me make it less of a hell ahaha I like improvising, though, so I think I play RPG Maker games because I enjoy them for the most part." *Third: "Occasionally, not really. I don’t play many games and I’ve played the heck out of the ones I have."

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Mitty: "Ah I don't know, honestly. I think I can relate to every character in one way or another, and it's hard picking one, especially since the game isn't out yet and I'd like to keep most characters hidden until the demo. Marinette is definitely one of my favourites, though, I just love how innocent and cute she is. Her cheekiness can be made super interesting ahaha" *Third: "My favorite character is definitely Pierre. He’s a complete blast to write, and gives me lots of cool things to describe and say through him, from his magic tricks to his killer lines and quotes."

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Mitty: "Hm...Having organized things better in the beginning would have saved a lot of time now, but I don't think it's been that big of a deal anymore. I don't have any regrets that I'm aware of at the moment since everything until this point was necessary to learn and get to where we are now."

Do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Mitty: "I'm not sure yet, it depends on the reception and how willing I'll be to continue the story. Even though I would find it fun to make comics, another game or a different midia, realistically I can't tell how willing I'll be to continue developing content about it after the game is finished. Honestly, I hope I can develop more projects on Marinette, we do have content for that, and I absolutely love it with my heart! But it's also equally important to move on to another story. Only time will tell!" Third: "I hope to, but that day is very far away for me. I’ll be gone for quite some time after Marinette is finished, and I hope I’m not forgotten by the time I return. Perhaps I’ll entertain myself with additional short stories exploring the various aftermaths of the game."

What do you most look forward to upon/after the release of a project? *Mitty: "I honestly just want to get the story out there. I'm hoping people will enjoy it if they play the game, and will have a special place in their hearts to keep it on. This project means a lot to me, and having it making people feel things is what I'm looking forward to. I'd love to see other people playing it, definitely. I imagine I'll eventually be relieved to have finally completed it, it'll be a big moment for me to sigh be proud of creating. I'll be able to move on to work on other fun things while I see how this little child of a game is going to do out there in the wild, and that's always nice!" *Third: "Fan reaction, 100%. Having people ask me questions about my work and telling me how much they enjoyed it is my favorite part of writing."

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *Mitty: "Yes, I don't want to feel empty with nothing to do when I finish the game. I know it will be great and all, but I've been working on it for so long that it's hard to imagine not working on it ahaha! It's a really fun hobby, but it's also engraved in my heart. I want it to be the best it can be, of course, so I'm scared of bugs, inconsistencies and overall it being clearly a bad game. I'm hoping that people will help with critiques on the demo, so I have a better outside perspective of where we are going. I don't want to drop the game, so I'm scared of having to take a long break from it during the development. I'm worried of being a terrible team leader as well." *Third: "I dread plot holes more than anything, and I dread a dull and overall unimpactful story. I want a tale that will punch the viewer in the gut, hard. I want to make them cry. I want to make them laugh. I want them to draw what I wrote, and explore it further in hopefully-not-too-sexual fanfiction."

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Mitty: "Don't be scared to start. You're going to suffer mid-way if it's a long term project, but keep pushing through, you'll learn a lot and it becomes easier with time. Take breaks and take it easy, step by step. LIST STUFF AND MAKE BACKUPS. Learn with short projects first. Ask for advice from people you admire, but never hold them on a pedestal. It’s always helpful to be a jack of all trades! Try to think from an outsider perspective if you're not sure of how it's going, and if you can, tell people you trust about the game and ask for opinions. Always take criticism well, but don't stress too much over harsher or even meaner comments. Have fun and never forget your starts, the people you meet and the reason you're doing the project for. If you're also an artist, writer, musician, remember this is a great opportunity to add something interesting to your portfolio. Cool visuals attract people, but they are not everything that will keep them hooked." *Third: "The best part of making a game is the people you make it with. The story is the most important ingredient of your game. Prioritize it first, and everything else will fall into place around it. Otherwise, everything will serve some other aspect of your game, and that’s rarely a good thing. Always speak your mind; do not every not say something just because it’ll hurt someone’s feelings. Obviously don’t be a tool, but if you ever have to choose between hurting the game and someone’s pride, pick someone’s pride. It’s much kinder in the long run."

Question from last month's featured dev Froach Club: Have you ever had a moment where you got completely stuck or became intensely frustrated while using RPG Maker? *Mitty: "Yes I have, I think everyone has QwQ Despite silly mistakes, I've gotten stuck several times, but honestly it's usually either us doing something stupidly hard that can be done another way, or we are just not skilled enough yet, and it's better to come back later. You can usually do most things you wanna do if you have the advantage of knowing the programming language your RPG Maker Engine uses I think. Google is your friend always, and sleeping about it also helps. I once dreamt of a whole sequence to fix a problem, and it worked! ahaha Always take it easy and don't give up, but know your limits and the limits of the engine!"

We mods would like to thank Teal Crown for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Marinette if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[rowankingsleyy]

Like this if you want to plot with Rowan and I’ll come ramble

NAME: ROWAN JESSAMINE KINGSLEY

NICKNAMES: Ro, Winnie (close friends only)

AGE: 28

PRONOUNS: She/Her

OCCUPATION: Published Author/Freelance Baker

HEIGHT: 5′1

BIRTHDAY: May 11th, 1992

ZODIAC SIGN: Taurus

PARENTS: Cassandra and Tony Kingsley

SIBLINGS: Damien Kingsley

ALIGNMENT: Neutral Good

MBTI: ISFJ

MORE UNDER THE READ MORE =)

TW: domestic violence, sexual assault, anxiety, eating disorders, mention of death, illness, drugs

SEQUENCE OF EVENTS

Rowan was born to Cassandra and Tony Kingsley in the early summer of 1992, at which point things were already strained between the two-some because of Tony’s alcohol problem and Cassie’s generally meek personality.

Rowan’s brother took a leading role in her care from a very young age, not just because her dad was useless, but also because their mother was so distracted by her need to please Tony that she dropped the ball often.

Both her brother and her saw things they certainly shouldn’t have, were told things that no children should be told, and occasionally went without for no reason other than Tony liking control, but he never hurt them physically.  However, he did hurt their mother.  

Less than a year after her brother turned 18 and moved out of the house, their mother died of an aneurysm suddenly and unexpectedly.

Despite how Rowan’s father treated her mother, the loss of her broke him and send him on a 3 month bender that only ended because he was booked with vehicular manslaughter and his 3rd DWI.

Luckily, Rowan only spent a few weeks in foster care before the court allowed her brother to assume custody over her.

From the moment her brother joined, the Valencia became her family.  The women, wives and daughters of the organization were the people who taught her everything she knows about being a girl, doing make up, doing her hair, navigating boys.  (This is probably why she went through a blue eyeshadow phase at 17)

Rowan is a textbook overachiever and perfectionist, she always had all As, was always in 6 clubs, and held officer positions in every single one including the dance team.  While she did hold officer positions, she never really was one to take front and center--she prefers the positions of the people behind the scenes keeping things together.  (secretary, treasurer, anything that has to do with organizational skills.

While over her high school years she wrote a lot, and even published one of her short stories in a local newspaper, she didn’t write her first full novel until she went away to college at 18.  No one ever read that novel, it hit the trash during its 5th round of editing.

At 18 she received a full scholarship to the University of Nevada--Reno and left Red Ridge for the first time to go to school first time.  She lived in the dorms all 4.5 years and graduated with a degree in English, minoring in Psychology.

If you ever ask Rowan what she’s afraid of, she’ll tell you losing control again.  She notes two prominent times of completely losing control over her life, one fairly recent, and the other while she was away at college.  While she was away, she went out fairly often with her friends and one night someone slipped something into her drink.  Nothing happened, she made it home without incident, but the way it made her feel, the way she felt victimized or the potential of being so set her off.  She had two drop three of her classes and extend her time in college an extra semester because of how hard she spun out, trying to control things that she wouldn’t typically even think about.  She started her senior year 20 pounds lighter with 0% of the friends she had started her Junior year with.

While she was away at college her brother became a father, which meant frequent trips home to visit and help out with her niece who quickly meant enough to her to be her own.    

She returned home from school at 23 and worked in a bakery until she could live off of her cookie business (at 25 her cookie business was self sufficient).  

While she was growing her bakery cookie business, she began writing her first professional novel and completed it at 26.  She sold it that very same year, and published it at 27.

While it changed her life or the better and got her foot in the door with the publishing world, publishing her book also led to the the single most traumatizing thing she has ever experienced.  

While she was marketing her book, the marketing manager became very demanding of Rowan and her time, which often led to them being together very late at night.  One night, while out of town for a book reading, he pushed himself on Rowan.  This assault led to the second occurrence of Rowan losing complete control and her life suffering because of it.

After the assault, Rowan threatened to blow the whistle, and in return he threatened her career so she is still with that publishing company with him as her marketing manager.  

As of now, Rowan is in the process of getting her second book published, filling in as mom as best she can for her niece, running her cookie business and holding cookie classes, and trying to make amends for the bonds she broke when she spun out last.

TENDENCIES

Because of how contentious Rowan’s early childhood was, she has a pretty anxious mind that is always running on 100.  Her thoughts come a mile a minute and they can be pretty difficult to stop.  Melatonin is her best friend.  

When she loses control over things in her life (hELLO we meet again control-less childhood) she controls everything she can, and that manifests differently every time.  Controlling what she eats to the point of malnourishment, controlling every single word of what she’s writing, putting herself on lockdown until whatever she’s working on is      p e r f e c t.  

She fixates on her mistakes, in high school if she answered to the wrong name during roll she would be thinking about it for the rest of the day.

She bakes in excess when she’s trying to think through something, the measurements and muscle memory movements help calm her brain into being able to process whatever is on her mind.

She’s always been a writer, from the very first time she had to write in her 4th grade ELA class.  That only grew through Middle and High School creative writing classes.  She’s always loved exploring the stories and that it was something that she could perfect through six or seven round of editing.

Sticky notes cover her bedroom walls because of how quickly her thoughts come and go, her ideas for books do NOT come in order and she can often be found starring at her walls with her little scribbles trying to figure out what order they should go in.

For someone who would be considered the ‘bright & shiny’ type, she has a thing for researching and watching shows about serial killers.  She can rattle off facts like its her day job.  

Because of how quiet she can be, sometimes folks assume she’s innocent or that she doesn’t know anything, but in reality the opposite is true.  She’s spent so much time watching and analyzing everyone and everything that she knows much more that she lets on or that any civilian should.

She learned how to play guitar in college (not very well) and is a pretty damn good singer, but she’d never be the type to want to be front and center in front of a crowd.  She mostly uses these talents as a means to an end in writing mini stories with lyrics.  It appeases her in the in between period of having finished a book and being able to start a new one.

All floral, all the time.  Enough said.

GENUINELY afraid of birds and giant frogs

I’ll probably add to this it’s 1am and I’m tired.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

**ex boyfriend, who she really fucked up with.  message for more**

high school friends/enemies

someone who works in the bakery with her

women who influenced her growing up within Valencia

Valencia members who are like family

someone who mentored her in her baking

friends she lost when she spun out during college

literally anything

ESTABLISHED CONNECTIONS

wherever i go, you bring me home Damien Kingsley// her brother.  her parent.  rowan is extremely close to her brother, as kids they were all each other had.  he’s done everything he could to give her a normal childhood, to make up for her parents’ lapses.  she would do just about anything for him or his daughter.  

can't stop staring, at those oceans eyes, burning cities, and napalm skies. fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes Lev Yegorov// no title.  but he’s the only man who has ever quieted her brain long enough for her to both lose her breath and catch it.  they’ve kissed a few times and have something comparable to a magnetic field between them, but lev broke it off out of respect for her brother.

i'll stand up with you forever, i'll be there for you through it all Natalie Cassadaga// her sister.  they may not have grown up together, they bonded to an extent that would have been unfathomable had she not experienced it.  barring childhood, they’re sisters, no buts.

i’m a mess, i’m a loser, i’m a hater, i’m a user Freddie Dawson// her confidant.  this is the only person outside of nat who gets to see rowan admit to being a mess.  freddie gets the 100% honest version of rowan, usually with a little bit of liquid courage.

you can leave me in the dark if that's all I get from you ??????? OPEN // her ex.  they dated in secret for 8 months before her assault.  when she spun out after the assault, she didn’t tell him and she pushed him away.  she fucked up the relationship, but she’s a little bitter about how easily he gave up on her.  

'cause they’re gonna tell you all the rules to break, to take away that light OPEN // her roommate.  the boldness to rowan’s softness.  how different they are makes them work, they bring balance to each other (and rationalize the one another when they go too far).  

If you’ve made it this far, you deserve a baby Rowan picture, here.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff's Best of 2019

WARNING: Just wanted to say cheers to you for making it through another year. I send you best wishes for next year to be fruitful. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy. (Best of 2017) (Best of 2018)

Dedicated to Russi Taylor, John Witherspoon, Rip Torn, Tartar Sauce, Caroll Spinney, Peter Matthews, and the many of KyoAni lost in the arson incident. You all did wonderful; rest in peace.

Welp, I figured the last year of this decade would be the most chaotic one by far, then again everything peak after 2012. As for now, I am counting down the best cartoons/animations/comics I’ve seen and loved this year in no particular order other than #1. Same rules apply: No sneak previews of future projects, no repeats, and this time anything goes.

Runner Ups: Superman Smashes the Klan, Marvel’s Aero, Infinity Train, Enter the Florpus, Amphibia, Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart, Helluva Boss, Meta Runner, Lego Movie 2, Forky Asks a Question

Anyways, Badda boom bang whiz, let’s do this shizz...

10. Super Mario Bros GT

Nostalgia can be quite a mystery, especially one that can come out of nowhere. Super Mario Bros Z kicked so much ass as a kid that now, it still frustrates me to this that it got a cease & desist from Nintendo, even the reboot from the same person couldn’t last long. But the gods have offered a slight miracle in the form of this new spiritual successor that has heart and soul put into every pixelated frame. There is much to celebrate with Youtube animation, where many say it’s dying due to the algorithm and all of the site’s corporate bullshit, but it’s stuff like this which helps me understand why we should celebrate. Against all odds, channels like Smasher Block willfully put their works out their for the people and continues to because on top of getting a little dough, it’s what they want to do.

9. DC SUPER HERO GIRLS (2019)

Awwwwww yeah, this is She-Ra and the Princesses of Power done right. Diverse female squad, each given a quality screen time to truly shine (Beecher especially) on their which makes the episodes where they’re all together feel earned and joyous to watch. Certainly reminds me of Friendship is Magic, which is coincidental since they were created by the same woman. I’d like to think this and MLP G4 were the answers to Faust’s cancelled project Milky Way and the Galaxy Girls where multiple personalities collide to one extraordinary superhero team of girls capable great feats that are lifted from their insecurities or drawbacks. And on top of this being a fun series to kick back to all around, it’s a comforting, somewhat aspiring thought to consider.

8. JOKER

I am somebody that rarely goes to the theaters to watch a film; you have to hook my tight just for me to even think of buying a ticket, no less plan to. But honestly, Joker was worth the hype, the ticket, and the fact that it wasn’t the incel uprising that buttfuck normies tried to make it out as. It’s lower on the list because in thought, there definitely could’ve been some tweaks to the dialogue and a couple scenes that I felt didn’t work in the long run. But really, this movie to me worked because of the escalation that leads to a cathartic climax and ending that left me in actual tears. I don’t give a shit if it “doesn’t fit”, having Frank Sinatra sing the film's credits put me in shambles. Joaquin Phoenix was phenomenal as Arthur, and this movie felt authentic in its many details. This is definitely up there with my favorite comic book films of all time. Good thing, too, Spider-Man was taking up most of that shelf.

7. TUCA & BERTIE

This series being what I can’t help but say is a spin-off to Bojack Horseman, a show I respect, was enough to pull me into watching it. But it being like Bojack where it’s tight-roping between a bouncy comedy and a grounded drama was what kept me around for more. It is a damn shame this was cancelled after one season (while 13 Reasons Why gets FOUR seasons like what the fuck), because while this did feel enough like a complete series, I was certainly interested for more because I really enjoyed it all. I have my issue with a couple choices in the show, but I am sure this series would’ve addressed them later down the line. I can see why some women would find this personally endearing, it felt like the personal stories of actual people, and it deserved better. Either way, I enjoyed this series and I recommend it just as much as Bojack.

6. PRIMAL

Genndy Tartakovsky is that kind of cartoon creator where you feel he’ll go beyond if you give him the right amount of space. He’s not a perfectionist like John “Dirty Diddler” Kricfalusi, but with things like Hotel Transylvania and Samurai Jack, he certainly has proven to have the range in animation where you know how he plays. Primal showcasing his noted skill in dialogue-less storytelling and dynamic action scenes, able to convey everything clear with its ruthless yet careful protagonist and his dinosaur friend, all on top of the most luscious backgrounds. This is a series that definitely feels like Genndy’s taken what he’s used from his previous works and putting it together for a brutal yet passionate look at the prehistoric life. He truly brought us an adult series to enjoy and to look forward to more in the coming year.

5. SPINEL

Bet you didn’t expect a character to be on this list, eh? Spinel is the best thing to come out of Steven Universe in general; makes me wish she was in a better movie. The crew certainly did their darndest to make her not only an enjoyable and connectable character through and through, but a very versatile character that the fandom could take in any which way. Call it corny, but Spinel perfectly represents SU as a whole: a lovable goof that can certainly mean business but deep down is deserved of a hug because of what she’s gone through. Wish she had a more satisfying resolution in her respective debut, but really it’s the balance between those three elements mentioned that makes Spinel almost eternally wonderful.

4. MOB PSYCHO 100 II

As someone that doesn’t like reading, I’m a firm believer that the best animations or visual medias elevate the writing to a memorable degree; the visuals hook to the point where you want to think about what you saw and how it was conveyed. Mob Psycho 100, for two seasons now, does this in spades where Studio Bones throw them bones in animating one of the most dynamic animes of the modern era, providing the writing and characters a proper chance to flex its muscles. The characters are especially what makes this and MP100 as a whole work so well, the story being about a boy learning to be more sociable as well as emotionally stronger all while helping others understand maturity and empathy. For more on this, I recommend Hiding in Public’s video(s) on Mob. But with the animation, Bones was able to provide a sense of impact and immersion to the moments that matter, not making it an overstimulating mess, and putting some respect on ONE’s webcomic art style. 

3. KLAUS

Hands down, this is a great Christmas movie. Take away the animation and you have a charming, wanna say ground and authentic, story about the makings of Santa Claus. With memorable and likable characters, a nice escalation in terms of the plot, and moments that are/can be so satisfying, they can bring you to tears. A couple overdone tropes in the road that doesn’t make this the most perfected story, but those sincerely minor compared to everything else that makes this story the best. Now. Add in the animation, and you have a gold, nay a platinum animated story of the year where the visuals definitely enhance the story to a degree where they’re undoubtedly inseparable. The visuals alone is enough to check this movie out and it’s eye-opening when you learn of how it’s all done. Klaus is a film that did it’s job and then some, and I hope this will be well remembered as a classic holiday film for it deserves that status.

2. BEASTARS

I’ll be fair, I’m mostly referring to the manga and not the anime but since the anime premiered this fall, it counts. Because be it the anime or the series overall, Beastars has such well intricate world building all while offering a little something for everyone (violence, romance, slice of life). The story is well paced and even when we aren’t focusing on the main characters momentarily, Itagaki is surprisingly able to make every supporting/side character we come across memorable in their own way; like I said before, the city is much a character in this story. Oh yeah, and the mangaka is the daughter of Keisuke “Grappler Baki” Itagaki, that in itself is a treasuring bit of trivia for this. Everything about Beastars is enticing and Studio Orange certainly helped in giving this series more of a following.

1. GREEN EGGS & HAM

Well, well, well. Guess Netflix is three for three in terms of bringing its best foot forward among its few steps back each year. The best term to describe this series is surprising. Surprising that this is a Dr. Seuss story that got expanded a 13 episode series, that has fleshed out characters, fun hijinks, an easy story, lovely emotional, more quieter moments... on top of being 2D hand drawn animated. I mean, what else is there to say? Green Eggs and Ham is to Dr. Seuss what Seven was for Final Fantasy, what Friendship is Magic was for MLP, what watermelon was before a nice menthol cigarette. This definitely took the top spot because to me, it was able to bring many good elements from the previous entries and knot it all together into a well kept bow that I never knew I wanted until now. I’m genuinely glad this show got to exist the way it is and I am hoping, praying, that the second season keeps that momentum up.

That leads us to the actual number one which is

1. STEVEN UNIVERSE FUT-

Total Dramarama is now the two time World Heavyweight Champion, babey. Will 2020 give us a quality contender? Will the streak last another year?

Stay tuned, and always seek out the Good Stuff.

[wolfandwild]

( resending as I pasted the wrong one. Pls ignore the one with open question >.>) fanfic writer asks -- writing advice.

Hi! I wasn't sure where to start with this, because there's so much to be said when it comes to writing advice, and a lot of it covered by people far better than me! I finally decided to talk about a few of the most common issues I personally see with writers starting out. I don't want to call them 'mistakes' cause I think they're all part of the process, but they're definitely things I see people struggle with and I think are often some of the things that prevent people from being able to finish a project. (This advice was also written with novel-length/long fics and series in mind, but a lot of it can apply to drabbles and shorter works too).

1. Don't neglect your plot. I think a lot of people consider characters to be more important than plot, and to a certain extent I agree. Good characters are usually the major hook that gets people invested in your story, and strong characterisation can assist a weaker plot.

However... there is a however! I think a lot of people start by developing characters, or in the case of fanfiction, pick the canon characters they want to write about… and then get stuck when they try to put things on paper because they don't actually have anything for their characters to do. I'm certainly not knocking time spent on character development, but I would advise you to put at least some time into working out the basis of your full story rather than character moments and backstories alone.

What is the central conflict of your story? What is the catalyst for the action? What setbacks do your protagonists face? If you can't answer these kind of questions, your story is a bit like a car with no engine - it might look awesome and appealing from the outside, but it's never going to go anywhere.

Which brings me to my second point:

2. Outlines are your friend. Writers are often considered to fall into two archetypes - gardeners, who let the story grow as it rolls along, and architects, who plan out their story in detail before writing. I'm far more on the architect side of things, but even if you're a gardner, I think everyone can benefit from outlines.

A lot of fanfiction readers (though obviously not all) won't read stories marked as WIP because so many writers start them, get four chapters in, and then stop. Obviously there are a few reasons why this happens, but I think one of the big ones is a lack of story planning. I'm not suggesting you need to go into great detail, especially if you're a gardener type, but even having a rough, barebones outline of: 'story starts here; this is the catalysing event; this is the plot twist; climax looks like this; this is how it resolves' can really help. Having clear story goals lets you develop your character arcs more effectively, and prevents you from ending up with plot holes or writing yourself into a corner.

3. Don't pay lip service to your character's personality traits. If I were to ask most writers reading this about their character's dominant personality traits, I'm sure you could easily rattle them off... but do they actually impact your story in any meaningful way? It's all well and good to say your character has the flaw of recklessness, but if they are never portrayed as doing reckless things, or worse, are portrayed as doing reckless things but never face any kind of consequences as a result of their recklessness… then it isn't really a flaw.

The same thing goes for positive traits. You can have every other character in the story constantly go on and on about how smart your main character is, but if you never actually show said character doing intelligent things, then it's always going to ring hollow. This is kind of a specific variation on 'show, don't tell', but one I think is very important. Having a laundry list of positive and negative traits for each character is meaningless unless it affects your story, character relationships and/or character development in some way.

On a related note:

4. Let your characters do bad/silly/human things! I think a lot of people get very attached to their characters, both canon and original, and as a result of this attachment are sometimes unwilling to let their characters do anything that could be perceived as 'bad' or unappealing. It's an instinct that makes perfect sense - you love your characters, and you want other people to love them, too! And you might be afraid that if you let them be petty, or jealous, or peevish, or anything like that, then your character will be less likeable.

Unfortunately, this tends to have the opposite effect. If you think about the people in your life you love best, even if they are the most wonderful, kind, and incredible people alive… they still have bad days. They get tired. They say things without thinking. They get irritated. They make mistakes. Writing fundamentally good characters is great - not everyone needs to be a deeply flawed edgelord (though they're fun too!) - but don't forget to let them have humanising moments. It will help your readers relate and attach more, not less.

5. Writing is a skill that takes time to develop. I think there's sometimes a tendency to assume that good writers just slap things down on paper and it's instantly awesome, and I've seen a lot of beginning writers get frustrated and put off when they make their first attempts at a story and it's not amazing right off the bat.

I get it - I'm a perfectionist. I have standards for myself that are probably not humanly possible without the intervention of robots or something - and it doesn't help. The truth is everyone drafts. Everyone edits. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. The very first thing you write will probably not be the most amazing thing ever - and that's okay!

The fanfiction writers and published authors you most admire were not born writing. They practiced, they drafted, they made mistakes - and it is okay to let yourself do the same. This is especially true if you're writing fanfiction - for most of you, it's a hobby! It should be fun! Expecting instant perfection every time you sit down in front of a blank page is unfair and unsustainable, and is far more likely to result in no words, rather than perfect words.

6. Write. Seems obvious, but it's worth repeating. Words on paper is ultimately the most important goal. Even if it's just a handful words. Even if they're not perfect. Even if they'll need editing later - you can't build on something that doesn't exist. I try to make it a goal to write something every day, even if it's only a single sentence. It's still more than I had yesterday.

That's probably way more advice than you were looking for, but I hope you find it useful. I'm generally pretty busy, but if anyone reading this ever needs a quick hand with getting started or developing an outline or a character or something, my DMs are open.

Thanks for the ask!

[ruthandliamgoplaces]

Overcoming internal mountains

Not written the blog in a while, but I will get caught up! I’ve got loads to write, its just hard on the road on the iPhone, and when we are staying with other people and I could use the laptop, we like to make the most of the time with them. However, when I woke up this morning, all I could think about was writing. I have taken myself to sit on a rock bathed in morning sun overlooking the sun rising on the mountains. The sun is the only thing I’ve been bathed in for a while, but I am happy. Cycle touring is certainly not all idyllic mountain passes and waking up in quiet beauty spots, it’s often navigating busy roads, road works, and sleeping in laybys. However, through all of it, I am grateful and happy. This post is going to be a personal one.

When I was younger, my parents split up. The details are unnecessary, but I know as a family we all agree that the separation and subsequent aftermath were handled in a less than ideal manner. The result for my six year old self was growing up in an environment that did not fill with me trust in the world, and especially not confidence in myself. I had my brains, and I threw myself into academic work, becoming a perfectionist with little time for anything other than homework. I had no hobbies and I absolutely hated sport and exercise. So I thought.

My school reports stated that I didn’t attend P.E lessons, and I would have told you that the only sport I enjoyed was avoiding sport. The truth, as it always is, was a little more complicated. First, I had no confidence, and I couldn’t enjoy sport because the school cultivated an environment where sport was about competition and enormous praise was heaped on those getting into the teams, as well as criticism for those not performing well. Furthermore, I believed I was not very good at sport, and this caused mayhem with my perfectionism. Perfectionism is damaging as it prohibits your capacity to enjoy anything that you don’t naturally excel at. Which is, for most people, most things to be enjoyed in life. I wrote sport off as something I wasn’t good at, and honestly, I have yet to find out if I am good at team sports because I never tried to be. Over the past few years I’ve reflected a lot and realised that the version I have always narrated to people is “I’m not good at team sports”. However, the truth is, I just don’t know as I never had the confidence to make mistakes, learn and grow, and sabotaged all my encounters by not trying at all, thus protecting myself from failure by failing.

I remember being sat on the edge of Lake Ullswater on a family holiday watching my family on kayaks having fun. I had declined the opportunity to kayak because I said I hated sport. In reality, I was desperate to try and paddle on the amazing lake. However, the terror of not being able to kayak outweighed the desire to try it. Unfortunately not trying begets more self doubt as I didn’t allow myself to have any experiences to challenge the narrative of my being useless.

The third reason I didn’t enjoy sport was the clothes they made you wear; tiny shorts and skirts. Maybe OK for primary school children but for some teenage girls going through puberty, it was a nightmare. My perfectionism had already noticed my body didn’t look like the other girls, and especially not the ones people said were attractive, or so I thought. My thighs rubbed together, I had fat. I hated my curvaceous and naturally muscular legs. And above all else, I hated these tiny shorts I was expected to fit into to play sport. So I didn’t play sport.

There was a time where I would have wanted to give every detail about what happened next. But I am over it. In a nutshell, in my late teens I developed an eating disorder which lasted until my late twenties. It was a product of my lack of confidence, my perfectionism and my inability to emotionally mature or express emotions in a healthy way. I survived; it wasn’t easy. But I’m here now. And that’s all that matters.

Something happened during my twenties in that difficult time that set me off on this path that I am on now. The path of overcoming perfectionism and falling in love with all aspects of life, especially those that I’d written off because “I wasn’t good at them”. I discovered exercise. At first, it was incredibly unhealthy for me as I was unwell and used exercise primarily as a way to control my body size and shape. However, my love of the outdoors, moving the body and appreciating what my body can do rather than focusing on what it looks like, has helped me heal.

I remember the first time I went for a run, ironically the perfectionist eating disorder “lose weight” side winning over the “I can’t do it” side, I was amazed that I could run. Within a few months I was entering half marathons. Here was something I had told myself all my life that I hated, and I had been wrong! Yes, I wasn’t the fastest and that was OK.

Then, I discovered hiking, climbing and mountain biking. Climbing was a tough one was it involved learning complex rope work, and I had already written off in my mind that I was good at practical things. Climbing helped me challenge my internal narrative that I couldn’t tie knots, or learn practical tasks. It was really difficult because I had this story in my head that I was the last person in my class to tie my shoelaces and I couldn’t do things like ropework. In reality, I forgot to focus on the part of the story that mattered. I learned to tie my shoelaces. It took a bit longer than other people, and that was Ok. That was allowed.

Mountain-biking and hiking, and eventually cycle touring, made me feel like finally I had found the meaning behind life. Ruth that hated sport was now spending every weekend and most evenings being active. I felt energised in the mountains and surrounded only by nature and the company of people I loved and trusted, the voices of perfectionism and eating disorder altogether disappeared. Until I stopped the activity.

Yoga was an important milestone for me. I had always wanted to try yoga, but was terrified of attending a class and getting the poses wrong, or being too inflexible to even try. When I walked into my first yoga class, I had to fight memories of step aerobics at school where I was the only one unable to follow the teachers instructions. And yes, even now, after years of yoga, I struggle with copying poses off the teacher. However, now I have the confidence to be OK with that. And I tell myself, you will get there in the end. I am even able to laugh at myself, and my teachers learn how to show me poses in a way that works for me. After I learn the pose, I can do it just as well as anyone else.

Honestly, I will never know whether I really did have a problem with coordination and left and right as a child, or whether I just told myself I did and never tried to overcome it. I’m trying to overcome it now as an adult! You don’t have to tell yourself the same stories your whole life. Change is possible.

After overcoming the eating disorder, and continuing to work on the perfectionism, I was left with one further problem that needed to be overcome. I had damaged my stomach and oesophagus and needed surgery to repair it. This surgery left me unable to do any sport, running or cycling for 6 weeks and 6 months for any climbing or carrying a back pack. In reality it was nearly a year and lots of hic ups in recovery before I felt strong enough to engage in physical activity again. There were times in that year I felt I would never get there. I thought maybe I would never be able to carry a heavy back pack up a mountain, or cycle a loaded touring bike. Maybe I would never be able to run a half marathon or climb on rock face. It was an uncertain time, waiting to see if my surgery was strong enough for the activities I wanted to do. I made peace with my situation, and worked hard to suppress negative feelings about the chain of events that led to me having the damaged stomach in the first place.

As this blog shows you, I got there. I ran a half marathon in December. In March-April I carried my own rucksack over the worlds highest navigable pass and walked for 40 days. And I am cycle touring with the heaviest bike I have ever ridden, up the biggest mountains I have ridden!

The reason for this mini life history, and I feel a little ashamed at the self indulgence and self disclosure, was because I wanted to explain my emotions over the past few weeks cycling in the Alps. A week ago we cycled over Col de Forclaz (1517m), something I did on my own as a 23 year old. It was a huge turning point for me back then as my first moment of solo travel. I realised that despite the self critical narrative I had been beating myself with my whole life, I could read maps! I could cycle up a massive hill! It didn’t matter what I thought of my legs, they were incredible power houses to get me up hills! I was capable and strong!

Returning to Forclaz 10 years later, I was amazed by my body all over again. And, unlike 23 year old Ruth, I felt the enormous weight off myself because that critical voice is so much quieter than it used to be. I don’t live with the eating disorder to the same extent, I can manage the perfectionism, I can be happy. Happy was not always something I thought I could be.

Yesterday we cycled over Mont Cenis Pass, 2087m, and as I cameover the hill after an epic four hour struggle, greeted by amazing mountain lake scenery and people cheering and saying congratulations, I felt truly like I have survived. I’m really ready to leave behind the years of self torment and their memories. I’m opening myself to all new experiences, challenging myself to try new things, or things I’ve previously written off as ‘I can’t do that’.

I feel utterly privileged and grateful for my good mental and physical health, and all the luck in the world that has allowed me to be born into a life to have these experiences when so many other people cannot.