#because sometimes i feel like writing stuff on here isnt enough i need to like verbally express it

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

[charliesinfern0]

what if i made a podcast but i use my low quality earbud microphone and the episodes ranged from like 15 min to 2 hours where i just talk about music i like

[kingdoms-and-empires]

After Dark Review (Zombies!)

I recently had to go travel and read a few works that I never got around to reading but was interested in.

PLEASE REMEMBER THIS REVIEW IS DONE BY ME AS A READER AND IS MY OWN OPINION.

This means I will review in accordance to my own tastes, how the game caters to me, and what I feel. Do not take my word as gospel, what I may not be interested in or dislike, may be what YOU are interested and love!!!

@dalekowrites

Synopsis:

A few years from now, in Little Peak, Michigan, a teenager is ready to go to sleep.

While the heavy industry is more active than ever, the effects of global warming are evident, with higher temperatures, dying bees, and animals acting weird.

It has simply been another normal Wednesday, but little do people know that it’s the last day of normality Mother Nature has granted them.

After Dark is a scientifically accurate apocalyptic horror. You’re tired of zombies rising from the ground for no reason? You don’t believe in ghosts? Glittering vampires aren’t for you? Then you have to try one of the three different stories that unfold in After Dark.

When a global pandemic starts to transform people into dangerous monsters, which path will you choose? Will you fight for humanity? Will you stay for your family? Or will you run away in search of a better future?

Review:

The Good: Why does every IF Zombie game have the authors kill themselves in the coding department? This is in the good section, so it isnt a bad thing, though sometimes I worry for the sanity of the author lol. Anyways, After Dark is ambitious! Here are some of the things the author implemented:

Three different routes with three completely different stories. (1 is being worked on right now, the other two have not yet been implemented yet as far as I know)

A phone with a social network, gallery for the ROs, a newsletter, and a weather forecast app... of which you need to charge without it being annoying thankfully!

Characters remember what you talk about and will bring it up in future conversations, so you cant be two faced lol

A romance autonomy system that you can switch on that allows ROs to flirt with you!

Random encounters to encourage re-playability.

An inventory system.

A weather system, that can be prepped for using the weather app on your phone.

Hourly progression system, there are only a set amount of hours in a day that you can use to do things without affecting you.

Discoverable side stories.

A private journal that keeps track of stuff for you. Kinda Elder Scrolls coded and i jive with it haha

And crazy enough, there's more. The above sounds complicated and overwhelming, but it isnt for the reader somehow. The author was able to integrate all the above without it feeling intrusive or annoying.

As for the story itself, remember this is currently one route. The writing is well done, it isnt overly flowery or super descriptive to the point of walls of text. Instead it gets to the point effectively and without losing points.

It made me want to read more, and that is exactly what we readers look for as we scour the IF space for more stories.

ABBY

I really like Abby. She's the preggo lady you can find, and I love the humanity she brings to the story. She does some things thatll make you go:

All of the characters feel grounded and not tropey if that makes any sense. And the dynamics of the group can change with the MC's input, or lack of it.

And then food. Holy shit, the need for food actually felt immersive lmao, whenever id find a snack or something id snatch that mfer up

The Bad:

I would like more zombies. The characters, the narrative, and the plot works well. But I'm worried of being presented with more human on human conflict/drama instead of the undead, and to that I recommend the author to introduce more scenes where we can see the horror, eeriness, and sadness that such an apocalypses would induce. Make a scene where the player is being chased by the undead because of a fuck up, it can be MC's or one of the characters to create tension or drama and it can even make an RO moment occur. Or a scene where you can enter a school, or one of the FEMA camps and see the aftermath of an incident where the zombies break in or someone infected got in. Of course, the author is steadily updating, and what I just said may very will be in the cards of a future update! But I do think something involving the zombies should occur sooner than later, as the beginning scene with the parent and the chaos, horror, and tension of the scene still stayed with me, and i was hoping to reach those emotional heights again while playing!

The Ugly:

Other than a few gender variable errors of the ROs and the regular grammar mistakes found in any IF, the biggest issue i had was with presentation. I'd recommend the author to clean up the spacing between paragraphs in the future when they have time alongside the new update.

The Aftermath:

Zombie IFs just don't seem to miss. Almost all are able to land within the "good" category whenever one releases, and this has the potential to land right in the "Chef's Kiss" tier. I'd recommend this game to anyone craving a zombie IF, and im excited to see this develop more in the future! The characters are grounded, flawed but not annoyingly, and capable. The story is plausible, and the narrative makes sense. Honestly? I want more and I want it now!

[the-s1lly-corner]

What do you think, what traits or something else are tadc cast looking for in a partner?

TADC cast and what they want in a partner!

Obviously, since this is likely taking place in the digital world, i probably wont do much in terms of physical real world looks!

I'll probably do a small segment for them, before they got stuck in the real world but thats a maybe :0 I write these little notes before I write the request! So!! Wild card!!!

CAINE:

Ooo okay so caine is interesting because like. He has never had feelings before, so he doesn't exactly know what he wants!

He wants a confident and bold partner! Wait no... but shy and sweet ones are nice... oh ho ho he wants a partner who's tall, to hold him!.. but.. short partners are nice for cuddling... he wants a partner who takes the lead, sometimes its nice to let someone take charge! But... caine is programmed to be in charge...

Hmm...

I think it's safe to say that Caine may not have a specific type, the fact that his S/O was able to win him over is enough and hes going to love em til the day his code breaks down

..does code break down? Admittedly the admin is DUMB when it comes to tech stuff....

POMNI:

Okok it's no secret that pomni is hard for me to write... and this request is no exception

With that being said, I think pomni would be interested in our favorite

The goth gf/j

Well I say that jokingly, but I think pomni would be into tall strong alt people who just radiate cool energy

I can also see her being into dorks too, oddly enough.. maybe it's because I don't see pomni as being especially.. "out there", even before the circus.. could be attraction via being able to relate

RAGATHA:

Hands down ragatha wants a soft and sweet partner who can take care of her. Ragatha spends so much of her time trying to keep everyone optimistic and hopeful, that sometimes she needs someone to do the same for her, you know? That doesnt mean she isnt going to return the favor.. no no it's in her nature to be optimistic, but it would be nice to be taken care of once in a while..!

JAX:

Jax wants someone who can shrug off jokes.... now is this mostly because hes an asshole who is going to not spare you from his pranks? Maybe! Even better if you also like doing some practical joking here and there

However, as I write more and more jax stuff... I can't help but form what his type may be, or finding a personality that compliments his well. Dont get me wrong I love the idea of jax having a trickster partner; however I also love the idea of jax with a partner who doesnt take no bullshit! Love that, so much. Jax with a partner who can turn his prank back on him and keep him in line

KINGER:

His wife/j

No but kinger gravitates towards people who are very compassionate and patient... but also a little fierce! Naturally, since kinger is so... you know, I think he needs someone who can tell him what to do, and can be able to reel him back down when he gets too stuck in his head.. or too out of his head, even

ZOOBLE:

Zooble wants someone who's not too high energy... which makes sense, since zooble themselves is very over it and low energy. Perhaps they also would want someone who isnt too pushy, or "in your face".. its easier for zooble to list what they dont want rather than what they do want..

Perhaps they could do well with a tall goth gf/j.....

..../hj

I think before they entered the digital circus, they liked taller people. Cant tell you why, I just think they like taller people!

GANGLE:

Said this several times but gangle used to play monster dating sims or something before they got stuck in the circus. So her taste in people is a little... all over the place....

Dating sims aside, I think gangle wants someone who can step up and protect her. Physically and emotionally. Its no secret that gangle is sensitive...

Also I think she likes strong people

Quick someone draw this as gangle and reader

[pat-thecat]

First meetings from Tango's pov... (I'm not much of a writer but I wanted to try it :3, sorry if its not good...)

-----

Tango wouldnt say he was oblivious, sure he sometimes missed some important gossip and some PR announcements but to be fair his work is the car. He couldn't care less for some random gossip or stuff from the PR people, his work is making the car better and he is a simple mechanic, no one to be in front of cameras.

Thats why when conversations about a driver move to Williams came up on the racing community, he payed no mind to them. Tango knew some name was circulating around, but again he really didnt care about it, gossip was common and nothing he is interesting in, can some people call him ignorant? That he didnt even noticed news outlets posting about it or watched his team principal's interviews? Yes, some people can call him that, however he still thinks he isnt oblivious, obviously he will know when a driver moves to his team, he isnt dumb.

Even his good friend Impulse, asks him what his opinion about Solidarity's move to Williams, which takes him by surprise bc if he's not mistaken no one at the team knows who will be the new driver and wasnt Solidarity a Redbull driver? That's what he says to Impulse and that honestly even if he knew, his friend is still on a different team. (Impulse looks at him like he doesnt believe it)

Later, much for Impulse amusement, Tango only discovers that Solidarity would race for Williams after a PR colleague says it straight on his face, apparently it was neither speculation nor a secret on the factory.

And the fact he somehow missed multiple times the presence of the driver in the factory, thats stays only between him and his colleague.

----

Tango wouldnt say he was that oblivious, of course he now knew Jimmy Solidarity was going to race for William's this season, but it still takes him by surprise when the driver approaches him with two cups of coffee.

"Here, you look like you need some" he says extending one cup to him

The mechanic feels a little taken away by the gesture, and doesnt know what to say. He never thought a driver would do this, he must be mistaken and that's not for him. So he just stares in shock to the said driver.

After some time of silence Solidarity slightly gestures to his extended hand and Tango finally gets the memo that yes, it's for him.

Tango takes the cup and takes a sip, unsurprisingly the coffee isnt exactly like he likes but even so it astonish him that it's close enough. "Thanks", he says softly with a small smile to Solidarity, the driver just smiles in return and leaves, probably to analyse some data.

Even as time continues Tango continues stunned with the small random interaction, till Hunter, one of his colleagues who was watching the exchange, tells him that it was very known that Solidarity was really friendly to every team member and since joining the team he had been randomly interacting with everyone.

Tango then concludes that maybe he is a bit oblivious because there's no way he never noticed the driver interacting with is colleagues.

But surely this was gonna be a one time thing, he was a simple mechanic and there was no way the driver truly cared of him.

Little did he know that Jimmy asked around how the pretty blonde mechanic that worked the whole morning liked his coffee.

-----

This was not beta read and I probably can write more in the future. Since I often do alot of mistakes I'm always shy to post something.... if anyone is interested in beta reading my little drabbles please message me! I would appreciate alot but please dont feel pressured to do it! :D

[kingofthering]

motogp rpf survey - results (part three)

When I did the survey, I asked people about the concepts that they would like to be able to read in this fandom. I went through all the answers and classified them by categories. When it made more sense, I separated some answers in various lines. The "contexts" section is supposed to be more precise ideas than the "general" category but to be quite honest, both categories are similar.

Under the cut, you will find ideas for the following categories :

general

contexts

rosquez

vale

vr46 riders

other specific pairings

general

I’d love to see more AUs.

some sci-fi / fantasy, sports AUs

Anything action/adventure with angst like a spy au or smth OR a normal/no motogp au…..maybe rider/mechanic au….TWO mechanics au….other sports au….

Asexuality and polyamory

different soulmate aus like red string of fate, first words, etc. etc. and maybe wish baby aus (see: hockey rpf)

Fake relationship because that's great always

coming from the f1rpf fandom i think i was very spoiled with the mass of fics that exist and the length of some of them and that what i am kind of missing i loove a good slowburn or long fics general and motogp doesn‘t have a lot of those (i know very big coming from someone that doesn‘t write themselfes) i just love being able to explore the relationships in fics very thorough (be it romantic or platonic) like yes give me the pining, the weird flirting attemts, the award first dates (or morning after), the reactions of friends/family to them, give me all of that and more imagine something like „everything changes“ (i hope you are familiar it is basically a f1 fic that outlived both drivers careers and its 5mio words long) of course it doesn‘t have to be in that extent but like going through their entire carrers (together and apart) and seeing how the relationship changes (would work really well with rozquez or pedronzo but also with so many others)

Full long fics

I’d also love more sports aus in general!

Magic Realism

Maybe some kine of soulmate fic? I feel like the writers don’t write about it and if they wrote it is left unfinished -and this is not a dig for them but it is just an observation-, also this one is just for me but as someone who LOVES angst and hurt/no comfort I realised there isn’t a lot of hurt/no comfort but this is only me who loves to cry over fics 😂

More A/B/O stuff or maybe AU where riders (mainly MotoGP riders) have normal jobs and are the guardians or adopted parents of riders in the lower categories

more fluff!

more of the riders being normal people (obviously they are not but like normal people jobs). i think a normal person job contrasted with a decidingly not normal love story would be good. maybe some espionage i would like that as well.

More poly relationships maybe?

Not exactly concepts, but I do think we deserve some long 100k+ word fics! I love shorter single-chaptered fics but sometimes a slow burn is required Also maybe I'm a weirdo pervert sicko but there isn't enough PWP (on ao3 at least). Someone get on that please <3 for me <3

Pure domestic fluff, aus like college/office

this fandom needs more internalized homophobia discussion!! these men are all catholic ik it would be crazy in the brain space for everyone. also marc choking kink tine travel or body swap aus

Oh i like silly fics too, something light and funny and a bit crack is always welcomed! Also text fics, they're great (forgot to put them in the tropes i like, so here). A silly little text fic with a riders group chat could be very funny. Also like i mentioned before, amnesia fics and injury/feelings revelation fics work so well for motogp rpf, id love to see more.

Vampire AU (because I really liked that in 'a few leaps of faith)

I really like genderbending and the challanges being a woman in moto would bring

contexts

Carnivorous circuits for sure.

I'm a sucker for Single dad/kid fics and AUs in general. I also kinda like it when one person is famous/a rider and the other one isnt

Street racing. It's more of a car thing, but I'm sure motorcycles do a similar thing. I'm a suckered for au's like that and I haven't seen nearly enough in the motorsport community as a whole, not the mention motogp has like...none (that I've found at least)

Okay next, i always love a good football au! Any pairing okay, football au are just the best. Long fic, ficlet, national teams, local teams, rivals, teammates... Everything is great <3

rosquez

a long canonverse rosquez from vale’s POV

A lot of the rosquez content I've seen has been post-reunion which is of course lovely but I would love to see more stuff set pre-Sepang...exploration of the ways their relationship was already a little toxic...foreshadowing galore...I Would Like To See It

More rosquez post reunion. Further exploration of agnst-crrnt's rosquez time jumping fic.

If anyone writes the Rosquez baby AU at some point I will be eternally grateful!Longggg vale/Marc from Marc’s rookie season through to vale’s retirement

UH. Well first one is very basic, the more rosquez reconciliation fics there are, the more i will be happy lol. It would be very interesting also to see more Vale dealing with his internalized homophobia (which he definitely has) and the crippling fear he has when it comes to Marc (basically lets get Vale to therapy lmao), and a bit more of how Marc was conflicted with his desire to be with his idol and the desire to be him, and also his feelings after all the injuries and the horrible honda year, like the conflict again with the desire to win and the need to be cared for (put him in therapy too lol). So like, Rosquez reconciliation where they still are two little shits (affectionate) but older and wiser (author sended them to therapy holding them at gunpoint).

Vale and marc as teammates, age gap between various stuff, power dynamics between people, especially between mentors or menteesvale/marc being teleported into a universe where they never argued and seeing what it could have been

just general rosquez reconciliation

vale

hmmm dad vale bc him being a girl dad has my whole heart

The enigma that was young Rossi‼️

vr46 riders

Lots of vr46 academy au's where they have special powers? Personally I would also love some darker stuff too.

Relationships between the VR46 riders. They’ve spent so much time together since they were young and the dynamic isn’t talked about enough. Also, someone please write about the hero worship they have for Vale, the synthesizing of this god like figure they’ve grown up admiring to the very flesh and blood man they’ve come to know.

vr46 harem au

other specific pairings

Dani and Jorge get banged by Vale together

I would like to read more about the marc/Fabio relationship post 2020, especially in relation to the physical and mental difficulties that marc had to face

i would love more aleix poli content we talk a lot abt his boyfriends but it ends up only talk ! let that man fuck all his guys !!!!

I'd love more Marc/Fabio fics. I think their relationship could be a little bit like Marc/Vale but not as passionate and destructive.

marquezcest

pedrenzo arranged marriage au that is 50k but lives only in my head………

Then i have this idea of a Luca/Bezz guardian angel au, where luca is the angel assigned to bez and bez is his usual self who is VERY HARD to keep alive (and he really gets on Luca's nerves at first, cause luca is the type who reads all the manuals and gets the maximum score at text and all of that and little chaotic bez just... doesn't make sense to him). I will never write it cause i'm not a writer, but i want to put this prompt out to the world cause i'd love it so much if someone felt inspired by it!

Okay last thing (i'm sure there is PLENTY more but i don't have so much space lol), a Tony/Fabio full story would make my day, it doesn't even to be long, i'd just be happy to read more about them <3

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas <3

cw/tws for medical stuff, complex family relationships, discussion of death

so, for context, im a regulus black kinnie (itll make sense, give me a sec aha). ive got a difficult relationship with most of my family, but most especially my mother and older sister. my sister is a lot like our family's sirius (except if he still had walburga's narcissism, cruelty and manipulation), and she really doesnt get along with either of our parents. my mother is... a difficult woman, in that she likes to victimise herself in every situation, shes homophobic/transphobic/all the phobics, shes also very narcissistic, and likes to make uncomfortable comments without bothering to be nice about it. all in all, i try not to be around her much. im also supposed to be moving out soon, and planned to minimise contact as much as possible once i do.

to the point: my mother was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. my father (hes kind of a neutral party in the family dynamics, btw) was the one talking to me about it, since she's in hospital at the moment. he said they caught it early enough where a bit of chemo over the next few months should get rid of it and she'll be okay, but 'cancer' is a scary as fuck word. he also then told me that this isnt her first time with it — she had a different type of cancer around 20 years ago.

honestly, i feel like my brain is battling itself about how i should feel. on the one hand, ive been looking forward to not having to be around her now for years, and i hold very little love for her at this point. why should i care? she'll be fine at the end of it anyway. but shes still my mum, yknow? and i feel awful having these thoughts about how badly ive always thought of her and how much ive wanted for so long to get away from her and how it almost feels like this is some sort of sick fucking joke from the universe about how i should be careful what i wish for or something.

this whole situation keeps making me think about regulus in best friends brother(? i think thats the right fic) or p much any modern au where walburga dies so tbh ill probably end up writing a fic about it to cope, but still i just... i guess i needed to tell someone? my father asked me to keep it to myself for now so that it wasnt spread around where we live (its a small area; everyone knows everyone).

and the bit with my sister - as i said, she doesnt get along with our parents. i dont talk to her much anymore either because she seemed to inherit a lot of our mothers worst traits, but im afraid that if we do talk about this then she'll have some awful thing to say about it. she makes some really dark 'jokes' sometimes about suicide and death and such, and im nervous that she'll say something about how she hopes it kills her (again, my sister fucking sick, and has zero empathy), because shes made similar jokes about other stuff in the past. i also dont think she'd understand that im still afraid for our mother even after everything shes done, and i hate the way my sister turns on me and rips the piss out of me when she doesnt like what i do.

it all kind of circles back to how im supposed to feel, i guess. part of me wants to not care and brush it off, whatever, but theres still part of me dying for my mothers love and approval and is terrified of losing her, even with the low possibility.

sorry this got so long, and for how heavy it is. i hope youre doing well cas, and thank you for all you do for us <3

Hi hon!

My god, you ARE a reg kinnie.

Here's the thing- there is not a RIGHT way to feel about those things. You have a complex relationship with your mom, so of course you'll have complex feelings about the situation. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling any certain way, because there's no right or wring way to process this. You're allowed to feel scared and neutral and confused and ambivalent. That's okay!

Your feelings aren't a betrayal to anyone, and you have a right to them. You also have a right to any action you choose to take. Remember to do what feels right for YOU, because YOU are important.

I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

Naming you reg kin anon.

[burntblueberrywaffles]

Fic tag game

got tagged by @fangeek-girl ❤️❤️

How many works do you have on Ao3?

I have 7 works but 3 of them are fanfic lol

2. What's your Ao3 word count?

1896 words total. Your girl is definitely one for brevity LOL

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Wednesday, that one drabble I made for The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, and I've been writing for Star Wars (though I haven't posted anything yet) and Mrs maisel (i wrote a whole short fic for that almost a year ago but I forgot about it completely until I found it in my notes apps, I should get around to posting it)  

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I don't have 5 fics total but here's my current count in order:

1-Lies

2-The world's a little blurry

3-Pretend

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes always! the fact that people are READING my stuff and taking time to comment has me 🥺🥺🥺

My writing ao3 isnt linked to my main email adress though so sometimes it takes me a while to respond because I wont see it until I periodically check my fic stats

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

.....Probably The world's a little blurry let's be real (I'm going to fix it it in the next one in the series, I promise!!!)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

akdadhjgsjgd hard to say all my shit is angsty, I guess Pretend?? kind of, it's less of a downer than the other ones. The final part of Come a little closer will have a happy ending though I promise! (already finished writing the end, I just need to write the beginning lol)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No ❤️ I don't think any of my stuff has gotten enough attention for that lol

9. Do you write smut? What kind?

NO my ace ass has no experience with that so I wouldn't know how 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️(I might need to in some future project, fortunately a lot of my friends are perverts (affectionate) so I could probably ask for some guidance if it comes to that LOL)

10. Do you write cross-overs?

No, I'm not a big fans of crossovers in general so certainly have never felt compelled to write one.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

12. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

No

13. What WIP you would like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

So many ugh I cant even choose, it's more rare for me to actually finish something than the opposite, that's why I'll never post anything unless the whole thing is finished (only exception is my current series, but that's because I felt like each fic making up the series were self-contained enough that they didn't need to follow up immediatly to work? if that makes sense - plus the first one was a one shot and only thought of how to follow it up after posting it)

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

ANIDALA MY BELOVED

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm really good at imagery and emotion (being a poetry writer goes brrrrr)

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

DESCRIPTIONS oh god I'm so bad at it. My fic are vibes only lmao, what are they wearing? where are they? what movements are they doing? NOT IMPORTANT how about I offer you 12 metaphors on how this character is feeling instead. (though I'm forcing myself to work on it haha)

I also struggle with any longer story arc... there's a reason all my stuff is so short lol

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

If it's in french it would be pretty fun since it's my ✨first language✨ hehe. For other languages I'd see if one of my friends speak it but otherwise idk if I'd include it bc I don't want to butcher another language, I've seen too many english authors put french through the ringer it's painful 😭

18. First fandom you wrote for?

I guess Julie and the Phantoms? I never posted it but I had a pretty advanced fic for that. unless you count the 13 reasons why fic I posted on wattpas when i was early teen but we dont talk about that

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

right now it has to be The world's a little blurry, I just love how it came out hehe

20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

none right now.

Anyway tagging @nonamemanga @beri-allen @unlifeira @realmermaid333 @suchaladyy @witchysith @king-crimson-works @theycallme-thejackal and anyone else who might want to do it!

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

[rawrtriesagain]

Long post incoming idk how to do Read More on mobile, sorry. Tldr: just a post abt my writing as usual and stuff about my interest in lwa (nothing crazy)

I know I talk abt my old fuckin fics all the fuckin time (like Jesus theyre old enough to be considered toddlers now) but anyway this is my vent blog and y’all will never hear the end of it so guess what still has an absolute GRIP over my mind after 3 years

Its forest of arcan- im jk its dreamer of stars lmaooo. I reread it right now for the funsies after months of forgetting abt it, and each time I read it I think “surely I am over this story and can move on with my life” and like the first half of the story its like yea I kinda am over it haha but then the second half just obliterates the thoughts and runs me over and I just lay in my bed and contemplate my life and go into like a State of Emotions and simply have to talk about it (but it also could be because its 4am at the time of writing this)

I do think it mostly has to do with nostalgia though. Truthfully I’m probably not able to write smth like that again because it was 100% written completely on emotion and quite actually everything bad Diana was feeling in the story was smth i was also going through so it was easy to… write a vent and disguise it as a fic LOL. But I was also running on the high of being in love with my best friend which also really easily translated to everything going on in the fic blah blah nobody remembers it but me so this means nothing to anybody and im being cringe and gay on main (not even my main)

ANYWAY the point of my babbling here is that honestly I miss having that intense amt of emotions that would spur that level of creative writing? Like yea forest of arcana (not updated in over a year) is fun and all but it definitely isnt written on a personal level like dreamer was. I also just genuinely miss writing lol and its like ok bitch why dont you write then and then its like good question why dont i?? I probably still enjoy writing more than i do drawing and i know my blogs say otherwise but the two mediums are both definitely different outlets for my life. Maybe i would change my mind the day my art is actually good tho 😛

Im laffing rn seeing me talk abt this “deep” different outlets of life cause like when u think abt it im also literally just Currently describing little witch fanfic and fanart since thats all i do LOL. Not that theres anything wrong with lwa being my Muse of course, but it just adds humor in whatever the emo hell im going on about

Another side sad mini vent but i dont think im as into lwa as i used to be which also waters down my interests in doing things, but im literally not interested in any other media or fandom rn either so lwa stays my hyperfixation. Plz dont be alarmed lol im not saying im NOT into lwa anymore since diana is still a fuckin god to me like 10/10 chara design and vibes, but its definitely not as strong as it was when i first joined the fandom 3 years ago. And you know what maybe it has to do with me not watching little witch academia in full in those entire three years after i first watched it lmao. Most of the friends ive made in the fandom are pretty much gone too which is sad but is what it is. Sometimes i get a burst of seratonin when i think about smth diakko and definitely like now when i reread my fics i also remember the Emotions i had for these Gays and it like floods back for a bit like a buff.

I think something im very interested in for both the spark of writing and also the revitalization for my love for diakko is that i wanna do like a oneshot slice of life series for diakko. Just something easy, cute, subjectively funny, and a vibe. I still fantasize abt diakko shenanigans even if mundane and i wish i could also capture it more in my art but im not at that level yet, so writing it is. First i probably need to rewatch lwa in full since ive forgotten most everything except for key diana scenes haha oopsie And sucy world episode that was a good fuckin episode.

Anyway thanks for reading this far if you did lol sorry for the LONG ASS NONSENSE POST. Sometimes i see how i type in my blog and to people and compare it to my writing and its like where the hell did my comprehensive english go. Sorry if this was just hard to read from the lack of grammar and punctuation but thats showbiz anyway stay tuned for the next diana content ttyl bffl rofl xD zomg

[onlyswan]

Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.

Mind if I rant here?

I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.

Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.

Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂

Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?

(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)

And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?

I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.

Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂

Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D

-Lyf

hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬

i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺

dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(

hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭

and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂

[quaranmine]

alright, stats time. numbers! percentages! analysis!

GO ME! i finished my writing challenge last night. though i have done them before, i have never had a 30 day streak--my longest was 11 days, previously.

NANOWRIMO "GOAL": 50k words in a month. lol nope i didn't even plan to do that but that's the perspective i'm putting the post in

MY GOAL: add 30k to IBW.

fail. i added 5.2k to IBW in the end, the equivalent of finishing just one chapter. basically, I completed 17% of my goal. not something I'm happy about but i did inevitably mostly get past a thing that was giving me trouble.

MY SECOND GOAL: add 30k aggregated to any projects

total word count: 21,366. that's techinically a fail but i'm not gonna count it because i reached 70% of my target wordcount AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!! 70 is a passing grade afterall :] if we want to put this in perspective of nano, i basically completed 40% of nano, which is great for a first-ever run (especially since i have never completed a 50k fic so far, let alone in a month. baby steps for me, i just do not write that quickly.)

MY THIRD GOAL: write something every day

SUCCESS! i did do that and i am very proud of it. it was shockingly hard sometimes. during the challenge i was like "i am never doing this again" and now literally less than a day after im like "hm i should do this again next year!" why am i like this? who knows!

So, let's look at other stats.

Number of fics worked on: four. (IBW, grumbot fic mainly, hitchhiker's au, and tumble town gothic)

Fanfic started and completed within the month: do you see no ghosts in me at all? (13,651 words). This means that ~64% of my time was spent on this fanfic, compared to any others (if we go by word count, as i don't remember which days specifically were used on this versus the others)

Average daily wordcount: 712 words. again, to reach the 30k goal i needed roughly 1k on average per day, so this is again about 70% of that. It is worth noting that my average for my last writing challenge in the spring was 548, so I did much better on average this month despite being forced to do it in a much longer streak. that's probably because the 0 wordcount days in the last challenge dragged the average down, so writing every day helped me a lot.

Lowest daily WC: 131

Highest daily WC: 1897

i think both of those were the same fic actually (grumbot fic.) the low wordcounts mostly represented lack of time, as i would stop writing whenever it got so late that i started falling asleep midsentence. however low wordcounts on IBW mostly represent lack of inspiration, except for the day 30, where it represented research.

all in all, i think it was a successful challenge. i'm still in writing mode and was already thinking about what i could do tonight, which is great because like...i am no longer beholden to this challenge but am still wanting to keep going (i'll just likely not force myself to do anything anymore if it's like 11:30pm and i havent done anything. i will just go to bed instead.)

the main lesson here is that i can Do Things when i want to really force myself to do, which is good because i often doubt my own abilities especially in connection with my writing. it's very personal compared to other stuff i do, so i very much love and appreciate everybody's support and kind reviews because i straight up would not be here or doing any of this without you. like i would have just gone back to hide under a rock lol.

i feel like completing these challenges gives me a lot more confidence in myself and my abilities, and gives me momentum to make consistent progress on my works even when things are a little rough. sometimes in writing you just Gotta Do It even if there isnt much inspiration, because it'll unlock the way for other scenes where you DO have inspiration.

now then. if someone can tell me why i was able to fully complete inktober for two years in a row, and pull off two of these writing challenges in one year, but CAN'T stick with actual responsible adult habits--

[christinathezakumechanic]

I think anthropomorphization have done a lot to harm animals too. I bring this up because I was just on a call with a wildlife conservationist recently discussing the betta genus and how they are kept in aquariums. Ive been pretty interested in keeping the betta splendens species for a little while now so I was talking with him a bit about them. Human breeding of this fish species has so greatly fucked them up genetically that some people cant get theirs anywhere close to the normal lifespan. All because some bastard somewhere thought "ooh this fish with naturally short fins would look really cool with insanely long flowy fins, im going to try to breed them to that point!". Its the same with shortbody fish. Or purebred dogs. Its just not healthy for them. Yet when PETA released an article on betta fish care they had so much fucking information incorrect. they saw people keeping bettas in tanks alone and their first thought was "oh no that poor fish must be so lonely!" And with no research said that the females should be kept in groups in their article. Betta splendens is one of the most aggressive nano fish in the aquarium hobby, while the females are a bit more passive, sororities are never recommended. When I bought my most recent dwarf crayfish he had lost about 60% of his limbs and needed to be hand fed because of a betta attacking him in the holding tank(Hes regenerated them since then) because somebody forgot to secure some part of the lid and a betta jumped in. There are betta fish fights on youtube(Against TOS so most get taken down). because of how aggressive they are. When PETA made an article on them they didnt talk about anything in detail. Their little crappy "betta fish in 30 seconds" is just a compilation of pictures of dead fish. They didnt talk about any of the issues that have lead here and how you can ethically keep them. Its probably the most infuriating article on fishkeeping I have read that wasnt from petco. The whole "solitary confinement" thing also really irked me, especially when they said they could be put in community tanks. While its true that sometimes betta fish can be very calm and peaceful and do well in communities its absolutely not recommended. And the whole surface plants restricting breathing is kinda sorta nonsense, especially when floating plants are used to prevent jumping, which can happen if the fish gets startled while disoriented. Ive kinda rambled here, and I could go on and on. about their poor information(although they did write a much better article later on), but much of what those 2 articles are is just kinda stuff to try and make themselves feel better, with little to no care about the situation. The information they give is insanely generalized and not precise enough to actually explain anything about the fish. If you care about the wellbeing of these animals FUCKING RESEARCH THEM. FIGURE OUT HOW TO PROVIDE THE BEST CARE. Theres so much thats wrong with the US fish trade and its just infuriating to see people who say they care doing so fucking little to protect these animals. "Stop selling them!!" is what they say, but that isnt going to happen. People like keeping pets, bettas make for good fish to keep as pets so they get sold. So for fucks sake ensure that they are kept well and promote good breeding instead of those massive farms instead of sitting around crying for a change which isnt going to happen while animals suffer.

anti-egg vegans are always a hoot. like, she’s not using it. it’s not fertilized. it’s going to rot and attract predators. you want me to just throw it in the trash??

[hedge-n-seek]

᯽ Hello! ᯽

A catchall name you can use for me is Hedge, op, or you can use the name of whoever’s tagging under a post to indicate who’s posting, since I think a few ppl in our system might post some? Generally They/Them or He/Him is ok, but don’t be afraid to ask! Current poster tags include, but may be added to; #🦇Val.Posts ᯽ #🦋Jenth.Posts ᯽ #🪶Dove.Posts ᯽ #🦈Filter.Posts ᯽ and a general tag # 📺Hedge.Posts if anyone doesn’t want to specify.

We won’t interact with our main, as we aren’t open about being a system there. We’ll interact with this account where we can though! :]

᯽ BYI ᯽

THIS ACCOUNT IS SFW ONLY. IF YOUR ACCOUNT ISNT SFW, PLEASE DONT INTERACT

We keep our regression pretty private, but it’s still fun to post and make art and talk to people about things we’re interested in! I’ll usually edit or doodle or something similar, but I also write sometimes. Generally I won’t post while small, but might reply to people if I know you well enough. Because of that, we might not be posting all the time, even if you see us reblogging things! It’s probably not us ignoring you, we’re just not in the space to talk at that moment. Also, Tonetags are super appreciated! They’re not required, but they’re still nice to use. I also have a hard time typing sometimes, though I try making sure what I write is legible. Feel free to let me know if you need something rewritten so it’s easier for you

On this blog, you’ll probably see a LOT of Vast Error content, as well as other Homestuck and fanworks stuff. I might Minecraft post occasionally, talk about s4m, Adventure Time, and whatever other shows I’m interested at the time! Some shows might have content not suitable for kids, but none of that content will ever be posted on here. Please let me know if you need me to tag any specific media or thing, and I will! Things like bugs, a show, etc. I will not cw food.

᯽ DNI ᯽

Pr0sh1p / Z00 / etc. ᯽ Pro s/h or e/d ᯽ Endogenic or Neutral ᯽ Adult Content / Using Agere for that ᯽ Just use your brain and don’t be gross!

᯽ INTERESTS ᯽

Homestuck + Fanworks ᯽ Vast Error ᯽ Adventure Time ᯽ Minecraft ᯽ Bugs n Birds ᯽ Pressure ᯽ Whatever Else

᯽ REQUEST STUFF ᯽

There’s no guarantee I’ll get to it in a timely manner, but my requests are open unless my askbox says otherwise! Just send em in. I’ll do stimboards, moodboards, panel edits, and maybe small doodles? I might do mini fic requests too, but only if I feel motivated at that moment, those aren’t a guarantee.

Request Tags! #Hedge.Request ᯽ #Hedge.Boards ᯽ #Hedge.Edits ᯽ #Hedge.Doodles ᯽ #Hedge.Fics ᯽ #Hedge.Asks ᯽

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᯽ THANK YOU ᯽

[phantalgia]

Navigating Unknowns: My Physical Health

There's a lot in this post but there's also a lot of stuff I have left out, some vital, some not so much. I feel like it's not a complete picture of everything but it's the best I have so far. As time goes on things will come together. I wanted this to be short. Which it isnt. So that's why I left out a bunch of stuff.

So, I'm currently writing on my phone laying down in bed. Throughout the day, including my earlier blog I haven't been feeling right. I’m kind of nauseous, my throat is tight, I’m short of breathe, and I just can't focus without this phantom pain sensation in my head that usually ends up turning into a real headache.

I had to lay down and here I am. This is something I've been dealing with forever. Maybe since I was 12. It's been explained away as "just anxiety" ever since. I know I grew up as an anxious kid, but it just didn't feel like it told a complete picture.

As I grew into my teens I started noticing that getting out of chairs was harder, and would sometimes make my vision go dark for a moment and give me a pressure sensation in my head. Staying upright in class was hard, concentrating was difficult especially after noon. And I would develop throbbing headaches, be deeply fatigued, and even sometimes feverish after school ended. All I would do after school is take not just a nap but a deep sleep.

As I got even older I developed random heart palpitations that would come and go without reason. I did get it checked and they were nothing to worry about except for how annoying and uncomfortable they were. This was until COVID happened.

COVID-19 Turned Things Upside Down

I don’t think I can stress enough how serious COVID-19 is. It's not "just a flu". It's a monster. I got Covid in December of 2022 I believe. Initially it did feel like the flu. That was until months went by and I started getting a faster heart rate, chest pains, dizziness, lightheadedness, shortness of breathe. It was like those sensations I had growing up but taken up to the next level.

I went through a whole process, saw my doctor went to a cardiologist and I was having afib and ventricular arrythmias. The latter being the most concerning. I got an MRI done and they discovered that I have a rare congenital heart condition called Left Ventricular Non-Compaction (LVNC). I had this the entire time and didn't know it. All of a sudden it made sense why I was getting palpitations, had a big problem with Covid, and just had an overall lower stamina. Or did it?

See, I got a PET scan this year, and what they saw was a normal functioning heart. I mean more than normal. However, this could be due to my heart medications working well. This does not mean that I'm completely off the hook with my heart as my condition does have the possibility of progressing, so I need it checked every year.

As it currently stands, I’m getting an MRI again of my heart later before the year ends for comparison sake. But other than that the expectations are that I will live a totally normal long life. My doctor has tossed my case around and had other patients that live totally normal lives into their 80s. But it still doesn't explain much and it doesn't account for the surprise that would await me in 2024.

Surgery and Long COVID Don't Mix Well

I had to get an appendectomy as well as get an extra lump in my intestines left over from birth removed in early March. At this time I was recovering ok from Long COVID and had a fairly stable heart. I was getting into my hobbies and stuff so things seem "well". I say that because I have been having a lot of mental health stuff that I'm struggling with and struggling to understand...something I'll get to in a later post.

On a Friday in March I was getting lower right abdominal pain, it was fairly bad that I went to urgent care and they recommended I go to the ER. And of course, hours later, I have appendicitis! I was rolled into surgery early the next morning, woke up and was told that they removed an extra lump left over from birth as well as my appendix.

I was stuck in the hospital for a few days and could you even believe that some people go home the same day after a surgery like that? I couldnt. I felt so beholden to those nurses. But I was determined to get better. And eventually I was sent home.

As the weeks go by it seemed like I was doing fine. I was still shocked from the whole ordeal. But I was doing ok, following the diet and nothing felt too different. Then after three weeks that all changed.

My New Life Begins

I had one bad night where I didnt sleep, drank a lot of water, and went for a walk. Then all of a sudden I’m extremely nauseous, dizzy, and feel like I’m going to faint. It was a day where I had to get my blood drawn too which luckily I got it done unscathed. But this became an ongoing problem.

I noticed triggers too, bad sleep, short naps, eating too much, eating processed foods, exercise, stress, being idle too long (standing, sitting, laying). Laying would feel the best but I noticed that prolonged bed rest just made me feel worse.

This became an every day cycle, and I noticed it accompanied a stomach ache and galbladder pain and just pain all over my abdomen. This isnt always the case. Sometimes I would just feel dizzy, faint and lightheaded only.

These episodes were so bad that I went to the hospital around 2-3 extra times. They always ended up turning me down. I even got a brain MRI which showed nothing, I mean one of those times I thought I was having a stroke.

Investigating this turned up as nothing so far. I got a full body CT scan which didn't show anything. And the running theories right now are stress from the surgery and possible stomach ulcers from it. I’m going to be seeing a GI doctor so I will learn more soon, probably will need an endoscopy.

COVID Strikes Again

And then I got COVID again. In the middle of all of this. I got covid once more. I was still having those episodes, bad enough where I thought I needed the hospital. But I pretty much taught myself each time they happened that "they always pass", which they do. But COVID scared the hell out of me. It was probably my scariest experience with it.

There were points where I definetly thought I needed the hospital. I couldnt stand up without feeling all my body weight drop, dizzy, faint. I was nauseous but afraid if I used the bathroom I'd faint. There were points where I couldn't get out of bed at all. I had probably an extreme fever and my lungs were in agony. Then all of sudden like magic, it just all stops. I got over it so quickly it was hard to believe. It was quick but agonizing. But I still wasn't left unscathed.

The Fallout of it All

It's August now, I don’t really have those episodes as much but my abdomen still has problems ever since the surgery, I wake up with nausea (which has been new since Covid), feverish, and shaky many days. And sometimes these symptoms go on throughout the day. The frustration is that some days are good, some are bad. Some good days just have bad hours, some bad days have good hours. Some weeks are good, some are bad. It's really the Shrodinger's Cat of being sick. I tried walking outside on my own in the heat but I got some problems with that. After exercising I'll regret it about an hour later and be having an episode. Or I'll walk too much, have tachycardia and have an episode. So, I’m just here now, beholden to doctors waiting for answers.

How This Connects to Long Term Problems

Part of the answers I’m looking for is how this all relates to long term problems. Outside of Covid, a surgery, and covid again, how does this relate to me long term? I mean, I've been having extreme fatigue, trouble getting up out of chairs, trouble standing or sitting in place too long, short of breathe, fever like, trouble concentrating, headaches for over 10 years now at least. What is up with that? At this point through my own research I've discovered POTS or Dysautonomia generally speaking as the closest answer. Upon asking doctors if that might be the case, it keeps changing. My cardiologist says I might have long term POTS but won’t test it. My doctor is always switching up his thinking with each visit. One appointment it's dysautonomia, another is just anxiety, then it's the surgery, it's covid, it's dysautonomia and anxiety. I don’t know at this point. My last appointment as of writing this was on a "good" day for me. I had no problems, and the discussion turned towards treating psychological stuff, unfortunately I can't see my psychiatrist as he had to get his ankle replaced and an eye surgery. So, now we're going after emotional and psychological stuff and trying to see what that is about. That requires its own post because it pretty much follows the same themes as this one. Which leads me to my conclusion.

Life Turned Upside Down

What do I personally think it is? I think it's comorbid. I think I was naturally born anxious, I think other congenital anomalies are also a factor. I think conditions in the womb affected it. I think my development in early childhood stress affected it. I think covid affected it. I think the surgery affected it. I think my own current psychological stress affects it. I think there's mental stuff that I don’t know about contributing to it. I don’t think there's a singular source to blame here. Which frustrates me because that isn't how I’m being treated by these doctors. I’m not being treated holistically. It's one thing at a time. Or abstracting. Or not treating me as human. Treating me as an input and output.

I love my primary doctor, I think he's the best doctor I've ever had but even I think he's still beholden to the oppressive, heirarchal systems and norms that govern medicine under capitalism. But he does do a lot more than most doctors. So I have to give him credit, especially concerning his own history. Something I may discuss at a later date.

I think I’m just frustrated, scared, alone. I don’t have an answer nor agency nor empowerment for anything and I feel sick on and off or just like this looming feeling of being sick. I don’t have a sense of solidarity or shared struggle in this. I’m totally alone. For all I know this could all blow over in a year. But what then? The "healthy" me wasn't any better.

Life has certainly been turned on its head for me because of all this and this isn't accounting for the psychological and social developments I've had too. This has affected how I see the world, see myself, see others. I don’t like what I see in the world because of this. I see something dreadfully wrong. But I'm not pessimistic, not entirely. I think there are things to look forward to. So I have faith in that at least. My therapist says that faith comes before confidence. It makes sense, you got to believe it first. I have faith that I will find people out there with similar struggles and similar mindsets some day. Perhaps we'll make a difference in each others lives and for others. Which gets into a whole other conversation I'll save for another time.

[skatingbi]

The depressive episode is strong but I randomly thought of this and i need it out NOWW so heres an original piece of writing for once with no fandom content involved

(CW: body horror, paranormal stuff happens, im not sure how to describe it but im writing abt a guy's encounter with a huge monster living on the roof of his house so idk, I mention the main characters mental health a few times but its not explicit or extremely detailed)

Theres a shadow on my roof. I can only see it at night when I come back home from another night shift at my shitty restaurant job. I cant tell if it's from the exhaustion or the moonlight playing tricks on me but its there, every night, enveloping my mom's roof in pitch black to the point that I cant even see the tiles anymore. It towers a little bit, too, and the shape is indistinguishable under the darkness. Sometimes I can see fingers or an arm bot other than that, it's just one shapeless mass on the roof of my childhood home.

I tried telling my ma about it but when she went outside to check it disappeared, and its happened enough that I was scheduled a doctors appointment for a week from now. She thinks it's my job running me to the ground or the stress of college, but I know I saw something. I get that my ma is worried, and that I have mental health problems as it is, but this isn't one of them. There is absolutely a...thing, a creature or something on that damn roof.

It's night again when I come back home but I don't immediately open the garage like usual. Instead I turn off my car after parking it in the driveway, get out, and after locking the door I back away until im at the end of the driveway. I sit down and look up and the shadow is there again. Tonight, I see a few long clawed fingers draped over the gutters. What little i can see is enough to put me on edge and i try hard to relax, but the anxiety is already buzzing in my head and stinging at my stomach.

"What do you want from me?" I call out, just loud enough for me to hear it and hope it hears me but not enough for anyone nearby to. The last thing I need is for ma to come outside and see me talking to the air like a fucking weirdo.

The shadow moves slowly shortly after I speak, and i start to piece together its appearance as it shuffles. Long arms and fingers to match, like the palm tree i used to have in the front yard as a kid, only gangly and disproportionate to the rest of its body; a short torso and a long, narrow face. I cant see what its face looks like from far away but I can see how it sits up on the roof, and it's definitely as tall as that palm tree, too. It takes up a good part of the roof sitting, and soon its legs dangle off the roof like it were sitting on a bar stool tall enough to be unable to touch the ground. Its legs are just like it's arms, thin and elongated enough to give the rest of its body an uncanny feel to it.

When it speaks it sounds like it's gargling water with a side of a smoker's throat, "...Protect." Is what it says. I tilt my head up to try and get a good look at it's face, but the moon is covered in clouds tonight. There's no face, and i dont think I need one because it's head tilts enough for me to see it cock to the side as if it's judging me. Or probably thinking about if it should kill me or not. Either option isnt doing well for my anxiety disorder regardless. I squirm in place under the weight of its silence afterwards and debate running in the house, but as far as I know im stuck here for now talking to a shadow thats so prominent that I have a hard time tricking myself into believing its nothing but a hallucination.

"Okay," I draw the word out as I hold my breath, "Um...Thank you. For that." As it stays still through my reply, I slowly stand up. It doesn't move when i take a few steps forward, or when I open the garage door, or when I step under the comfort of the ceiling. When I enter the house, I let myself take a deep breath, my head dizzy and body weightless from adrenaline and holding my breath for so long.

My ma is already sleeping and the house is dark. When I tiptoe upstairs to my room the shadows don't move like the thing on the roof does. It's safe, but when I fall asleep after changing into my pajamas I think about the faceless entity who took refuge on top of my childhood home.

And somehow I fall asleep quickly after thinking about them.