#so like i dont have a pointwith any of this just like. i guess i realized im keeping a lot of stuff internalized and typung it out might

[leoxxii]

so yesterday on my walk i was thinking bc you know like. mental health walks or whatever. technically mine are more physical health walks bc i dont get much activity time but whatever not the point.

so i was thinking about like. ok im not lonely but its like. i have a lonely existence. i dont feel lonely or alone but like, objectively i am, if that makes sense??

i dont really have friends. like i have mutuals on here but we dont really talk and tbh its like, definitely my fault for that. and i was thinking about how ive basically NEVER had friends. like i had "friends" when i was in preschool in kindergarten, but they were more just classmates than anything else. we didnt hang out after school or do playdates or anything like that. i was never anyone's first or even second choice for anything. i only got invited to stuff the entire class did.

and my family like moved a lot. at some point we moved back and i went to that same school again and even though my class like, recognized and remembered me, they all like... moved on. nobody wanted to be my friend anymore. and once again i think it was on me.

and i dont think im an asshole or anything like that, i think im just. boring. im quiet and boring. i dont do anything, my ideal day would revolve around me being completely alone. i dont dislike people, but im so far away from being a people person that its like. ruining my relationships?

and i was on my walk and i realized that like. i know lots of people. no scratch that probably everyone has felt out of place at least once in their life. but i genuinely feel like i have never fit in. and i think its bc so much of life and society and everything puts emphasis on social activity. and i just like,,, cant do it.

i dont like talking. like, i CAN. if i really really try i can force conversation, i can force myself to go along with things, but i basically never initiate conversation bc i just. i dont like it. i like silence and gift giving and actions to show love. ive never been one to say anything to signify my thoughts or feelings. its like... my family are the only ones im comfortable enough around to talk to, and even then its mostly just my sister and dad. and its definitely a rare thing. only when im really invested in whatever someone else is talking it.

but like. so much of friendship and just humans in general require TALKING. i cant be friends with someone i dont ever reach out first. i cant be friends with someone i dont talk to. thats just sort of how it seems to work. and ive never been that guy. ive always been told i was a quiet kid, that i was a horrible conversationalist, that i was too shy. and like i am i guess anxious around people a bit. but i dont know if i ever was shy. i think i just didnt like talking. thats just like. who i am as a person.

i do like my internal dialogue. like, im not just sitting in complete silence all the time. i just am content with my own company. i think. maybe thats why reading and writing are so important to me? i can write and write and write about the thoughts in my head but i hate trying to voice them to another person. talking into the void like this feels so much easier. maybe im just bad with people and i need practice. i dont know. but i think im just,,, not cut right for what the world wants a person to be. i dont feel like a social animal. i mean, id probably get lonely if i WAS fully alone. this isnt like some weird alpha man who needs nobody and cant rely on anything kind of thing. i know im probably just taking what i have now for granted. but. hm.

so its like. its weird. i cant do small talk, i cant fake laugh, i never have anything to talk about. i dont DO anything, because ive always been content being by myself. i need a couple hours of silence and alone time every day or i get stressed and miserable. and i know i need to just get over it and TALK to people and reach out first sometimes and actually be a person. but it feels so. impossible. its like im just bad it. i do a bad job at existing around people. is this just normal introvert behavior and im just stuck around extroverts my entire life? does everyone feel like this? is everyone just faking it forever? at my old job, people started to not like me and look annoyed whenever i showed up, because i didnt talk to them and was too quiet. i answered with yes and okay to most things and that was it. i just worked in silence the rest of the time. everyone else didnt like that. they wanted to talk to me. i made no friends. i barely made acquaintances. i feel like im just doing this whole thing wrong, but its like. i feel bad about not talking bc other people want me to. i dont WANT to talk more. im fine with this little bubble im in. it just sucks that i feel like im making other people feel upset or disliked or unwanted when thats not true!! i like being around people, most of the time, and i dont mind being talked AT. i just. i dont want to HAVE to add more things in just for the sake of talking.

i dont know. i forgot most of what i was thinking. this is mostly just like a dump of words and thoughts. ive been weird the past couple days. but whatever. i wont even delete this!! its just void talk anyways. its not even talk. im just typing to nobody. maybe its the expectations. god i dont even know anymore. tumblr's starting to lag from all this text i think. does any of this even makes sense?? i dont know if im like. articulating it well. as i said im not good with this kind of stuff.

ok well thats out of my system for now i think. bye void