mother-first

[mother-first]

“I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad, I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy, I don’t smile, I glow. When I am angry, I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes, is when I love, I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing, cause they always tend to leave and you should see me, when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

[mother-first]

#me at any given moment BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (2013 - 2021)

[mother-first]

Someone said, “The reason you isolate when you’re struggling is because you were left alone as a child to deal with your emotions” and I felt that.

[mother-first]

“you’re so distant now” you made me feel unwanted so i fell back

[mother-first]

Let it hurt, then let it heal.

[mother-first]

I'm learning so much about myself.

It's liberating.

I'm recognizing my desires.

And the absolutes of what I don't want.

I've lost so much, too much.

But I'm rewriting my story.

Because you wanted space and didn't desire to do this part of life together..

I lost my partner.

I was forced to face all of this alone.

I didn't ask for it.

I would've never done that to you.

I believed we were the definition of for better or for worst.

But I've learned so much through the betrayal.

I was created to be a lover.

I was built to stand by whoever I'm with, through whatever may come.

I'm a constant.

I'm a beautiful disaster.

I'm electric.

Life with me looks like laughter.

It looks like slow dancing in the kitchen.

It looks like passionate kisses against the kitchen door.

It looks like body rubs and laying in my lap.

It looks like everything somebody has ever wanted.

It looks like a beautiful memory you'll cherish the rest of your life.

[mother-first]

I heard your voice again.

It felt like no time had ever passed.

It seems like everytime we talk everything comes full circle, once again.

You've carried the postcards of my life for so long now.

The shackles of abuse always kept us bound to our atmosphere.

Though you've always dreamed of any other environment.

When rough waters came again.

You'd dial my number.

And for a moment, the storm seamed to ease.

You've kept it as a memory, you revisit when things seem too much.

And frustration finds us both when we know how much time we lived in the dust.

What would've been spared had we of ran the first chance we had?

Our babies are worth every night of torment.

But it's time now, choose to be free.

[mother-first]

I feel like I'm being punished for being persistent.

And even when I listen to you and shift, I still lose.

You're hot than your cold.

We are communicating one minute.

Then you vanish the next.

You said you still wanted to be my friend.

I don't know what to even expect.

I'm left on read more and more.

Though that was always the thing you never stood for.

It seems whatever I do is wrong.

I really have no clue how everything is suddenly gone.

[mother-first]

My love shouldn't be that weight around your neck that makes you feel like you can't breathe.

It should be what you run into to finally feel free.

Rest should find you when you lie next to me.

Because regardless of whats going on when you wake up you know where I'll be.

I don't know where you are.

Or if you still exist.

But I'm missing my friend above all of this.

[mother-first]

I think what hurts me most is that my kids have to lose.

Just because I wasn't the one you choose.

They don't understand how you were a daily constant in their lives.

To now scattered phone calls and me drying their eyes.

You had the family and the plate at the table.

I was too late and you were scared of the label.

I'm moving on and wishing you all that your heart desires.

This next love won't leave us, that's all I require.

[mother-first]

There's a new wind blowing.

It's oddly familiar.

As if it's always been there.

It's reaffirming everything I couldn't bear to see.

Yet helping me to really love me.

Maybe I'm not as broken as I once thought.

Everything this life has thrown at me has just been a lot.

I've loved hard. And I've lost even harder.

Yet I feel hope finding me again.

I'm reminded that happily ever after isn't too much to ask for.

One person who loves you right is more than enough.

As you match me, there's not one thing that can stop us.

My kids deserve a love that chooses them daily.

I've fallen short so much lately.

But I am really beginning to adore myself once again.

I love in such a beautiful way, I cherish that about myself.

I may not be the one they end up with, but I'm always the one they never forget.

Even in my brokenness, I always put others first.

And for once in my life, I know I am worth it.

[mother-first]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you got the broken pieces of me.

I wish you could have gotten any other version of me.

I hope one day you no longer hurt from things I unintentionally did.

I sometimes wish we could just start again.

But I'm just grateful to still call you my friend.

[mother-first]

I've finally let go.

Do you feel freer?

Is it lighter?

Are the colors around you brighter?

Peace has finally found me again.

I'll never again take for granted what it feels like to take a deep breath without feeling like my whole chest would cave in.

I look forward to a future that I don't know yet what it holds.

But I do know that whatever it is won't be so alone and cold.

I have no doubt that you'll find your footing and place.

We can both rest easy, this is finally a closed case.

[mother-first]

if i could taste the wonder on your lips could you perhaps taste the desperation on mine?

when you take your eyes off the horizon (waiting and waiting and waiting for something i could never give) do you see that i’m waiting just as well?

waiting for the waves that will crash and sweep you away but will only pull me under

waiting for the lines of ocean, earth, and sky to blur for you while the lines between us only grow clearer

waiting for the distant whistle of the curtains falling for us and for you to be bigger than i could ever possibly hold

if i could taste the wonder on your lips i could also feel that you’re just waiting to go

— you taste like wanderlust | wt.

[mother-first]

He's liking all the posts I thought were for me.

Now I'm questioning literally everything.

Atleast my emotions flew away with you.

I can finally breathe, we just now are processing.

I now know that I'm enough.

There's someone else who won't always need the extra "stuff".

Someone's heart will break at the idea of ever breaking mine.

They won't find fulfillment in something that continues to kill me.

They'll be disgusted at the thought of ever touching someone new.

I will be the one thing they cherish and refuse to lose.

Now I'm not knocking or even trying to bash you.

I can't tell you enough to go on and do what you gotta do.

I just finally woke up and realized I have nothing more I can lose.

We are finally on the same page, our story also isn't the one I choose.

[mother-first]

What you feel you needed to do to be free.

Was the last thing that finally destroyed me.

You spoke about settling down like it was a prison.

There was once a time there wasn't even a different decision.

I hope you feel the wind beneath your wings.

There's no more pressure for the rings.

I never understood why you never had eyes just for me.

That constant disappointment caused me to despise everything about me.

I'm waiting on a type of love I've never even seen demonstrated.

I never thought the idea of love would now be something I hated.

[mother-first]

To whoever gets my girl..

She comes off tough, but please be so intentionally gentle with her.

Reassure her often.

Pay attention to her, learn the things she will never flat out tell you.

Take the time to know her, shes the greatest story you'll ever read.

She's stubborn. My God she is stubborn. But shes lost so much, let her win more times than not.

Don't go to bed mad, hold her tighter when opposition finds you.

Be patient with her. She intentionally fights her walls everyday to love you.

She'll never admit it, but being sweet to her heals things within her.

I hope her laugh is the sound that makes you physically feel yourself falling in love with her over and over again.. Just like it was mine.

Pay attention to the small details.. memorize her scars. The stories from her childhood that formed her.

Listen to her corny jokes, hear her dreams... and help her live them out.

Stand by her just as strong on the hard days as you do the good ones.

Love her wholly and without resistance.

And no matter what, don't ever let her go.

Take care of your girl.