#because it just kinda felt like they were anyway and I think it would be nice
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Together Again - Luke Hughes
Summary: Luke and Tori rekindle their relationship
content: angst, fighting, fluff, lots of fluff, oc x ex!john marino
wc: 3.3k
notes: PART 9! ONE MORE!!! i think the resolution between luke and john is kinda abrupt, but i didn't want to drag it on anymore and i think john would come to his senses. so... also this ends on a conversation that's gonna be the plot of the next part!!
Showing up at Luke's door made her feel like she was in a rom-com. Would've been even better if she was soaked in rain, but... she wasn't. Instead, she was awkwardly standing outside Luke and Jack's apartment, her hand raised to knock when it flew open, revealing a very put-together looking Jack.
"Tori?"
"Jack?"
"Yeah? I live here. What're you doing here? Luke doesn't want to see you."
"Oh, um, he doesn't?"
"No, he--"
"Who're you talking to?" A groggy Luke joined his brother at the door, his sweatpants hanging low on his hips, his hair a mess. "Tori?"
"I was just telling her to go. I--"
"No, no. It's fine, Jack. Come on in," Luke yawned, pushing his older brother out of the way.
"Whatever. I was just leaving anyway," Jack rolled his eyes, shutting the door loudly behind him.
"Where, um, where's he headed?" Tori asked, awkwardly rubbing her arm.
"Huh? Bar, probably. Not sure."
"You're not joining him?"
"Not really in the mood. More focused on the fact that the girl I'm supposed to be on a break from is standing in my apartment."
Tori let out a shaky breath. "I know I probably should've texted first. But... I wanted to tell you in person."
Luke sighed, leaning against the wall, his eyes studying her. "Wanted to tell me what?"
The words came out sharper than he'd intended, and he sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sorry, I just... I don't know what you could possibly have to say to me, Tori."
She stepped closer, her voice barely audible. "Can I start with 'I'm sorry?' Because I am sorry, Luke. I thought that taking a step back, would help things. But I just pushed myself back to John. Which... which isn't where I belong. I belong with you. And I-"
"Yeah? Sleeping with your ex-boyfriend really did wonders for your self-discovery, didn't it?" he bit out, his voice dripping with hurt. "Not the fact that he's your ex for a reason?"
"Luke. Let me finish. I know what I did feels unforgivable. But it really did make me realize that John isn't who I want. He's not who I need. Not even close. And honestly, he never was, even when we were together. It's you, Luke. It's been you for a while now."
Luke looked down at her, his jaw clenched, his hands flexing at his sides as he processed her words. Finally, he murmured, "How am I supposed to believe that? You don't know what's it like... thinking that I wasn't good enough. Like I was just a... a place-holder."
"You were never that to me, Luke," she whispered. "I didn't leave because of you. I left because I was afraid of how much I felt for you and how it was going to affect my family. And I know how backwards that sounds. I know. But I didn't know what to do with it. I thought I'd figure it out and come back to us more... solid. More sure."
"Yeah, well, I didn't need you to be 'more sure,'" he replied, his voice thick. "I just needed you."
Tori's hand reached out, her fingers brushing his bicep. "Luke... I know I messed up. And I'm not asking you to just forget it all. But I'm asking you to hear me. Because walking away from us was the biggest mistake I could've made."
"I just... it made me feel..." He trailed off, struggling with his words, his fingers nervously brushing through his hair.
Tori stepped even closer, until there were only inches between them. "I know. I'm sorry. I thought I needed clarity, but I just need you. Luke, you're where I belong and I'm sorry it took me this long to realize."
He swallowed. "And what if I don't know if I can just... let it go, Tori? I refuse to go through that again."
"Again, I'm not asking you to let it go," her hand found his, removing it from his hair before he made himself go bald. "But I'm asking you to let me try. Let me show you that I want to be here. I know I made a royal mess of things, but I'm willing to put in whatever it takes to make things right. If you'll let me."
Luke's gaze softened as he looked down at their intertwined fingeres, and his thumb began to trace gentle circles on her knuckles. "I've missed you, you know that?"
Tori's heart leapt, but she kept herself steady. "I've missed you too. So much, Luke."
His lips quirked into a faint smile as he looked at her, the distance between them closing even more. "Alright. Maybe we can try again. But this time... no second-guessing, okay?"
She nodded, tears pricking her eyes as relief washed over her. "No second-guessing," she echoed. "I'm all in this time. For real."
And as he pulled her into a tight hug, Tori let the tears finally fall. They were finally starting over--together.
~~
"Are you sure you guys are going to be okay?" Tori asked Ally for the tenth time.
"We're gonna be fine, V. Relax. Go have fun with Luke. Ri-Ri and I are gonna have a blast," her best friend laughed, placing her hands on both of Tori's shoulders. "Breathe."
Tori let out a long breath, closing her eyes as she tried to relax. It wasn't the first time she was leaving Riley with a sitter, especially Ally, but the nerves of going on a date with Luke again were getting to her. Her instincts were kicking in and she felt the need to protect herself and her son.
She took one more deep breath, giving Ally a grateful smile. "Okay... okay. I'm fine. Thanks for helping out."
"You deserve this, Tori. You'll come home, and Ri will be fast asleep."
With one final hug to Riley, who was happily playing Paw Patrol in the corner, Tori headed to meet Luke. Why was she so nervous to see the man she loved? Maybe she was worried about ruining everything again.
When she arrived at the quaint pho restaurant, she spotted Luke right away. He looked more put together than when she'd showed up at his apartment, and he broke into a smile the moment he saw her.
"You made it," he stood up to greet her.
"Almost didn't, but Ally wouldn't let me dip on you."
Luke laughed. "Remind me to thank her." His voice softened as he looked down at her. "I'm glad you're here."
They settled into their seats and Luke gestured to the menu. "This place is a hidden gem."
"It's perfect. I haven't had pho in ages. Eating out with a toddler usually only consists of Chick-fil-A and pasta. So this is a treat."
Tori was worried that the conversation would be awkward, that they'd sit there in silence between topics, but it wasn't. It was just like it was before. The conversation stayed light, talking about Riley, hockey, and funny things they'd seen recently. But as the bowls grew emptier, the conversation grew deeper, more reflective.
"Luke, y'know that I don't take any of this for granted, right? Being here, with you... it's everything to me."
Luke reached across the table, his fingers brushing hers. "I'm glad you feel that way, Tori. Because I don't want half of you. I want all of this--all of you."
"You have all of me, Luke," she whispered. "I'm here."
Luke's smile grew, his eyes warm. "Tori, I don't think I can even put into words how much I missed you... and Riley."
"Riley will be thrilled to see you. He never shuts up about you and hockey."
"Future NHL player."
"Hmm... not sure about that one."
"I'll train him. He'll be skating in no time."
Tori shook her head, failing to hide her smile. "Whatever you say, Luke. Whatever you say."
~~
"Ri-Ri, look who's here," Tori grinned, pulling her son's attention away from his Duplo.
"'Uke!" he screeched, running to the door. He wrapped his arms around Luke's leg, hugging as tight as he could.
Luke chuckled, leaning down to ruffle Riley's curls. "What's up, buddy?" he asked, grinning as Riley clung to him like he'd never let go.
"'Uke! Play 'ego!" Riley said, tugging on Luke's hand, leading him eagerly to the pile of brightly coloured blocks on the carpet.
Luke shot Tori a smile over his shoulder, clearly happy to be back. She couldn't help the warm feeling that spread through her as they interacted. It was a different feeling than the one she got watching John and Riley. She wasn't sure how to explain it, but the feelings were too different to compare.
She settled onto the couch, watching as Luke dove into building towers and playing Bob the Builder with Riley. The two of them fell easily into their rhythm, Luke making exaggerated sound effects that had Riley giggling uncontrollably. Tori had never seen him so at ease with anyone except maybe his dad.
"You've got quite the builder here, Tori," Luke smiled, helping Riley to rebuild Scoop, the yellow digger. "Forget hockey. You've got a future architect."
Tori laughed, loving how natural it was having Luke there. She could picture their life together with Riley--a little family unit. He fit seamlessly into their lives. Why had she ever had doubts about him? Why had she let herself get in her head and sabotage something that clearly made Riley and her happy?
"Should we see how high of a tower we can build, Ri?" Luke whispered, earning a very enthusiastic nod.
"'uper tall!" Riley squeaked, handing Luke another brick. He balanced it easily, but then, with a grin, reached for Riley's nose.
"Boop! Oh no, the nose monster got you!" Luke declared, making Riley shriek. "We better protect our noses!"
Riley threw his hands over his face, giggling as Luke chased him around the room. When he finally caught him, he scooped him up, spinning him in the air as Riley erupted into laughter. Tori had never heard him laugh so hard in his life.
"'Gain! 'Gain!"
Luke raised his eyebrows, pretending to consider it. "Hmm... I don't know. I might be too tired. Unless..." He gave Tori a playful glance. "Unless Mama helps us with our super-duper high tower!"
"'Elp us, Mama! 'Elp us!"
Tori laughed, sliding down next to them, joining in the building with mock-seriousness. "Alright, team. Let's make the tallest tower ever."
They spent the next half-hour building, laughing, and toppling their creation over and over. Eventually Riley snuggled up to Luke, yawning with a sleeply smile, clearly ready for a nap.
"Nap time, Ri?" Tori asked, standing up and brushing off her jeans.
"No 'tank 'oo."
"Wasn't really a question, bubba. It's nap time."
"I don' know," he shrugged, snuggling closer to Luke.
Luke chuckled, looking up at Tori. "Someone's found a new nap spot."
Tori shook her head, smiling as she crouched back down beside them. "This is maybe the second ever time he's not wanted a nap," she teased.
Riley grinned sleepily, his eyeslids drooping. "Nap 'Uke," he mumbled, pressing his face into Luke's shoulder.
"Looks like you've become the favourite... again."
"What can I say? I build a mean tower," Luke said, gently adjusting Riley. "He's a special kid."
"He is," she whispered. "Thanks for being here... with us."
He reached out, giving her hand a loving squeeze. "Wouldn't have it any other way."
~~
Tori was on the phone with John, pacing around the living room while Luke and Riley happily played with his toys on the floor. Luke's laugh echoed through the room as Riley squealed, but her attention was on listening to John's request.
"Look, Tori, I know it's last minute, but I need to switch weekends with Riley. My brother can't come another time, but I'll take Ri next week to make up for it. I promise."
Tori bit her lip, looking at Luke who was obliviously helping Riley with his game. Next weekend was the first free weekend that Luke had and they were planning an outing to the aquarium. Riley hadn't been since he was one and Tori wanted to see if he'd still love it as much as he did then.
"John, next weekend's... kind of important," she said, hoping he'd understand without pushing. "We have plans."
"I get it, Tori, but I wanna spend time with my brother, it'd be hard with--"
"Maybe you should've thought of that before we had a child, John. I--"
"I'm asking you to switch one weekend, Tori. It's not that deep."
After a long pause, Tori sighed. "Fine. We'll work it out."
She ended the call and sat down, watching Riley climb into Luke's lap, his face lit up as he explained the latest addition to his Playmobil pirate-ship. Luke looked up, noticing Tori spacing-out.
"What's up?" he asked, setting Riley on the floor next to him, the toddler still babbling away.
"John needs to switch weekends," Tori said, trying to keep her tone neutral. "I... it would mean Riley would go to his next weekend instead of this one."
Luke's face fell, though he quickly masked it. "Ah, okay. I know you were looking forward to next weekend, but shit happens, V," he said with a small smile, though there was disappointment in his eyes. "It's gonna be fine. I mean, I can cancel shit with Z and Jack this w--"
"You're not cancelling on hanging out with your friend for us. We'll reschedule. I... I want you to be there with us. A little family outing, but you didn't sign up to cancel shit with Jack."
"Tori, I know what I signed up for. And I'm here for both of you. Z and Jack will understand."
"Nope. No way. You're not cancelling. John--"
Luke sighed.
"What?" Tori's brow furrowed.
"Just... sometimes it's hard knowing that because John's in Riley's life... he'll always be in yours too."
"I know it's not ideal, but... you're not a second choice. I promise."
"I know, V. I know. I--"
"Mama! 'Uke! Pirate! Arrr!!! 'Uke, 'oo play now?"
"One second, bud. Just let me finish talking to Mama."
"Everything is gonna be fine, Tori. We'll figure this out. Don't let it stress you out. I love you."
"I love you too, Luke."
"'Uke!"
"I'm coming, Ri! Let's see your pirates!"
Tori sighed, running a hand through her greasy hair. She had been looking forward to John's weekend. She was going to take a nice shower, clean the house, binge some TV and drink a few glasses of wine. Now... she was gonna have to take a babywipe shower and pray she didn't fall asleep in the middle of the day.
~~
Luke was packing up his gear when he noticed John lingering by his stall. It was unusual for them to end up alone together, but everyone else had already cleared out. Luke hesitated, but nodded in John's direction, signaling he was ready for whatever conversation John wanted to start.
John approached, hands tucked in his pockets. "Hey, Luke. Got a minute?"
"Sure," he replied, setting down his bag. He straightened, unsure of where this was going.
John shifted, looking uncomfortable but determined. "I just... I wanted to say that I appreciate how you've been with Riley. He talks about you a lot, and Tori said he's clearly happy when you're around. I can see it too."
"Thanks, John. Means a lot. Riley's a great kid, and I care a lot about him."
John nodded. "Look, I'll admit, it hasn't really been easy watching another guy take on such an important role in my son's life. But it's obvious Riley looks up to you. And I don't want him to feel like he has to choose between us, y'know?"
"Trust me, I don't want that either," Luke said sincerely. "You're his dad. I'm never gonna try to take your place. But I also want to be there... for both of them."
A silence hung between them, a final mutual understanding. Finally, John cleared his throat. "I think as long as we're both on the same page... for good, that's what matters. Riley deserves to have people that care about him. And I see that you really do."
"Absolutely. I'm here for both of them, but I respect your role in his life."
John extended his hand, and Luke firmly grasped it, both of them nodding. This was it. Peace at last. They finally had made peace. And Luke felt a renewed sense of purpose. Riley and Tori were his family. And he'd support and protect them, no matter what.
~~
Tori was scrolling through her phone, her half-eaten bowl of cereal forgotten in front of her. Riley was at John's and she was finally getting a moment to hereslf.
"Hey," Luke said, sliding in the room, looking... oddly calm.
Hey," she placed her phone down. "What's up?"
"I had a chat with John the other day," he began.
Tori swore her heart stopped beating for a second. "Oh?"
"Yeah. It was... it was good. We talked about Riley, about us. And we, uh, we finally seem to be on the same page."
"Wait? Really?" She couldn't believe that John had been so mature about it. "That's amazing, Luke! I'm so happy to hear that."
"I know. It feels good. Like the weight has been lifted off us."
Tori nodded, returning to her cereal. "Thanks for doing that, Lu. For all of us."
"Anytime, V. Anytime."
~~
Luke wasn't used to activities that involved lots and lots of excited children, so he couldn't help but feel a little out of place at the aquarium. He watched as kids ran around, their voices echoing through the dimly lit rooms, poiting at fish and pressing their faces against the glass.
Riley, who was practically vibrating with excitement, darted ahead, running as quickly as his little feet would take him. "'Ook! 'Uke, 'ishies!" he squealed, his face lighting up at the sight of a massive tank full of colourful, tropical fish.
Luke laughed, crouching down beside him. "Ya see that big one over there, Ri? I think it's giving you the stink-eye," he whispered conspiratorially, making Riley giggle. They stayed there, noses pressed to the glass, Riley's hand clutching Luke's while Tori trailed behind, smiling at how perfectly they fit together.
Riley pointed at an orange clownfish. "Nemo!" he declared proudly, looking up at Luke for confirmation.
"Yep, that's Nemo! And what about that one?" he pointed to a tiny, darting blue fish.
"Dowy!"
Tori joined them, her hand brushing Luke's shoulder as she knelt beside them. "Expert fish spotter Riley Marino. I like the sound of that. What about you, Ri-Ri?"
"Wiley Mawino!"
"Yes! That's you!"
They moved through the exhibits, Riley darting between tanks, his awe palpable. Luke and Tori held hands, exchanging smiles as they watched Riley live his best life.
"We should do this more often," Luke suggested, squeezing Tori's hand.
"You think?"
"Duh! This is so much better than sitting around and playing 'chel with Jack all day."
Tori cackled, "Luke!"
"Just telling the truth. Love you, V," he turned, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.
"Love you more, Lu."
~~
"You want me to meet your family?" Tori asked, trying to make sure she had heard Luke correctly.
"That's what I said."
"Luke..."
"I know, I know. It's a big step, but I know everyone would love you and Riley. It's a good chance for him to hang with new people."
"Meeting you family is... big. Like life-changing big."
"I know it's a big deal, but I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure. Plus it's just a few days at the lake, nothing intense. My mom will eat up the time with a toddler. I think she's been secretly waiting for a grandchild."
Tori laughed, adjusting the sleeping toddler on her lap. "I... can I have some time to think about it? It'd be our first vacation together and my first time with your family. That's..."
"You've got all the time you need, Tori. Jack, Q, and I spend like most of the summer there, so any weekend that works for you... we'll make it happen."
"Deal."
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Veilguard is such a weird game.
It's not a Dragon age game, it's bately a role playing game. It's an ok action. Even though it is the most stable AAA release it is still just a bunch of barely tied together stuff in a trench coat.
The writing (insultingly dumbed down and absolutely incapable of taking itself seriously untill the last 1/6 of the game) is all over the place, the direction is nonexistent judging by the tonal shift from one quest to another. We can have very heart felt monologue about the fear of death sit right next to a conversation where a lot of things are told using one specific phrase (I really hope in a clumsy attempt at emphasis) repeated till these words lose any meaning to you.
There's also a problem of role-playing in this "rpg" and the Rook. None of your dialogue choices matter in terms of defining your character, no matter the option you choose, the general conversation will carry the upbeat silly tone. "Your backstory and class matter more than your race" works untill it doesn't, like when you are a dwarf but you are denied your own journey and realizations tied to the titans, and maybe it is not your journey to take yet you can't even try to be a part of it, even when Harding is actively reaching out to other dwarves to share this connection. It's also weirdly more interested in writing romance between npcs than for the main character (Lucanis comes to mind, it feels like the game is actively punishing you for pursuing him, you have to lose the whole shadow dragon faction, you won't get to hang out with Dorian and still you have bare minimum and he more interested in Neve anyway), that's extremely funny that this game is player-sexual yet completely player-aromantic. (And I miss the dai option where you can come up and kiss your LI whenever you feel like it).
I won't even touch on the weird and unnecessary sanitation of everything, like we can't allow people or factions to have negative traits whatsoever. And it's not "southern propaganda", it's "we are not engaging with complex topics for the sake of clear dichotomy between good us and evil overlords". Speaking of which
The whole plot.. The general idea of it is ok. You come to stop Solas, you make the situation go sideways, you have to work together to fix your mistakes and maybe learn to sympathize with the antagonist haunted by his own transgressions with the main theme being legacy and your relationship with your culture and the baggage it brings. But the journey is a complete disaster. Part of it works solely because the characters absolutely Refuse to make a plan and the other - because the main character has a blunt head trauma. Maybe it's related. Maybe it's all a mass hallucination. I may try to elaborate on how it's absolutely ridiculous how little the inquisition and the politics have any impact in this game yet somehow 8 people squatting in the Fade with no political affiliations are held responsible for providing for every faction they come across. I won't even try to make sense of it. It's the usual case of "the main character does everything".
The direction is not only absent in the writing. Some lines that are ok in text delivered in such a way you may think they were allowed only to use the very first take.
The music is absolutely forgettable. Also the odd riff during the dramatic reveal absolutely took me out because I thought I heard kazoo (but I bet Varric would love it).
The visuals are.. Ok. It's pretty on the first glance but the more you travel the more you realize that the general design of the locations are kinda lacking. They have this weird gradient that makes everything a little bit more unfocused and a bit washed out. There are also too many cases of the horisont just drowning in the fog. Air perspective is great and it suits locations like Necropolis, but I would argue that these establishing shots should be used for environmental storytelling in other places, with some focal points in the background, like during the final mission where you see the world absolutely drowning in the blight, devouring local statue of liberty. Or the dead Titan. Or the first shot of the Veil jumper forest (I forgot how it's called) where you see the ruins going into he sky. But because of the fog (or sometimes darkness) it feels like the game is more interested in cheating the optimisation than to hint on the bigger picture (like the chantry and the gallows buildings that you can see almost from all locations in DA2 or the andrastian/dread wolf imagery of inquisition)
So, in conclusion. Not the worst game I played, yet disappointing, even if we pretend it's not an installment of a beloved franchise that people were waiting for 10 years.
Ps. Also making such a game with nerfing all the lore only to nuke all the legacy locations is a choice I won't ever understand. It's like it is not for the fans and it's not for the new people but a secret third thing.
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I know how it sounds at first, but I really gotta feel bad for the boys that sacrificed edwin; I mean even the term “sacrificed edwin” paints them in a more sinister light than they really deserve– considering that wasn’t really, actually their intention.
they were bullies, they were homophobic (and/or were self loathing gay boys themselves taking it out on edwin, or were equally likely peer pressured into acting a certain way), they planned something stupid and mean to do to an innocent, anxious boy with the goal of scaring the shit out of him, all because he was effeminate and an easy target. but they didn’t know or expect any of the ritual stuff to be real. they were all laughing and joking during the ritual because it was just that to them– a joke. a cruel joke, but a joke.
teenagers can be mean and stupid and they usually regret it as adults and grow out of it / grow from it. they were stifled the chance to grow out of it, at least while alive. none of those boys deserved to be instakilled and sent to hell; they’re really not that much less deserving than edwin himself. they were all just kids, after all.
#random thought but. yeah……#I mean think about if crystal happened to be killed somehow pre-demonic intervention#she would’ve been deemed deserving of hell by the standards we’ve seen. no doubt about it. if the dragon guys were pulled to hell then yeah.#she would be as well. simply put- she was a bully#she was also a teenager. not a fully developed person. a very damaged and neglected teenager at that#it’s kinda like the criminal justice system right. it’s like. hey you really think sending them to be tormented is the most humane and#efficient way to heal these kids of what makes them act out and allow them to grow and improve?#Crystal’s such a good case to look at because she’s. well. to compare to The Good Place which you can probably already tell I’ve watched 800#times and adore with all my heart. she’s kinda the michael of the group#no one knows it at first but she’s actually kind of a terror to people most of the time. but she’s put in a situation where she#suddenly has a support system- people who care about her and want the best for her- she’s given a purpose and realizes how much better it is#to use her powers to help rather than hurt (well. sometimes helping can involve hurting but you get it)#and by the time she’s regained her memories and has a place in the agency it’s much easier to reflect on her life and be like huh!#this system kinda fucking sucks!#not that edwin wasn’t an example unto himself but he was a ‘clerical error’ not a ‘rightfully’ condemned person#with his situation someone could argue that the problem isn’t with the system being wack as a whole- it should just be maintained better so#these ‘errors’ don’t happen and all the good kids go to their afterlives and the Bad Evil Kids go to hell.#yes yes I know they’re not in hell forever (hopefully) but uhh Simon was still there for over a century and for fucking What?#gay self-loathing and catholic guilt? his intentions were clearly not Truly Evil and more than anything he seems to have been punished using#how much he hated himself for being gay and how guilty he felt for it all. like shit aren’t those feelings enough of a punishment? if he had#lived through that ritual and edwin hadn’t– do you think he would’ve been Okay? I think it would’ve crushed him. chronically#man. anyway#this was an especially long ramble huh#rambling#edwin#edwin payne#dead boy detectives
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had a dream greg tried to drown himself in a pool just so tom would do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him????????
#and then i think greg was shocked it worked because he thought there was a 50% chance tom would just leave him there#and say something like aw greg you big lanky pool noodle shouldn’t you be able to swim from birth#are you an evolutionary mutation?#natural selection i guess!#anyways it was actually kinda cute. barf.#also there were robot dinosaurs involved and i think the pool was on my uni campus instead of the parking lot#this is what happens when my cat wakes me up at 4am#tomgreg#<-i’m sorry </3 just felt i needed to share because What#succession#<-i need to reify my dreams sorry#maya.txt
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Has time always moved this fast? I'm genuinely asking. In 200 years we went from Bridgerton to AI. The everyday lives of people in each of these eras feel like universes apart. I'm no historian, but it seems like the everyday lives of people between 1500 and 1700 weren't that different.
Have humans throughout time immemorial reflected on life 30 years ago, 100 years ago and commented on how vastly different it was? It feels like we're running at a breakneck pace in the modern era. The It Gets Better project was founded in 2010 because gay people were so universally ostracized that lgbt teen suicide rates were off the charts. And while we're still pretty far from full LGBT equality, openly having a problem with gay people existing is a pretty fringe opinion now that's fairly universally frowned upon, even in the southern US.
I'm pretty sure the first time a woman wore pants in congress was in the 90s.
Culturally, technologically, resource-wise, it feels like every 5 years we leap 5 decades forward. Is it just our own preoccupation with the era we live in that makes this moment feel so significant? Or are we actually moving as quickly as it feels?
I know people have always laughed at the grandpa's who complain "when I was your age...", but has the gap ever been this wide? Or is there truly something special about now.
#before someone @s me about *but some people still disapprove of gay people existing!!!*#i know. I'm from the south.#but even southerners know it's no longer something they're allowed to talk openly abt because doing so will make people think they're crazy#they may privately have a problem with gay ppl existing and say so amongst friends family and church#but nowadays it's the kid who's weirdly hung up on jimmy having a boyfriend who's uncool and strange. no one else has a problem with jimmy#even the radical conservatives are aware they ostracise themselves by throwing a fit abt gay people existing#that's why they're so fucking mad. that's why they're fighting so fucking hard. their opinions haven't changed#and 15 years ago they were on the side of the majority and now their opinions make them weirdos#they're evil but i kinda get why they feel like it's everyone else going crazy around them and not their own opinions that are the problem#again. there may yet be some spaces and schools in the US where it's still weird to be gay. but i would say that is the outlier#anyway that's not really my point i just know this site doesn't have reading comprehension#I'm genuinely curious as to whether time always feels like this or if it's us#yes every century has wars and pandemics and dynasty changes that impact history#but it kinda feels like the experience of a pandemic in 2020 with a smartphone and doordash is pretty significantly different than#the experience of a pandemic in 1500. 1300. etc. which maybe felt a lot more similar to each other.#and not to even mention the rapid changes in fashion!!!
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Just finished my first playthrough of BG3. Romanced Lae'zel, but ending up turning into an Illithid because the idea of making Orpheus or Karlach do it didn't sit well with me (or my character).
I told Lae'zel to leave with Orpheus in the end (I heard she wouldn't stay with a ghaik anyway, which she's valid for, but also, it doesn't feel right to ask her to stay when I know how much her people mean to her). And like-
Her face before she flies off---
She looks so heartbroken and sad.
#emmodii rambles#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate series#lae'zel#spoilers#i don't regret my choices and i do love a good angsty story. but at the same time... OOF.#may you find a new source of joy in the astral realm my queen :'(#for anyone curious- i played a githyanki which i heard is the only race that can fly off with her or something?#but well. again- didn't quite fit my character to have someone else turn instead pfffft#ALSO HE'S A CLERIC OF ILMATER AND A REDEEMED DARK URGE. self-sacrifice is kiNDA TO BE EXPECTED HAHAHA.#anyway- do give romancing lae'zel a shot guys. she may be a hardass at first but it's really because she cares a lot#also slightly off-topic but as a dark urge gith... durge grew up in a city so like. wonder how out of place they woulda felt with the#other githyankis anyway. i think i read somewhere that a gith durge realises they don't really feel connected to creches and stuff#which is interesting and makes me curious about how exactly they were made. cuz they have the traits and knowledge of the race but didn't#grow up with them. i guess the easiest answer would be 'god magic shenanigans' but STILL.#trust me to overthink things hahaha XD#if anyone's curious what happened to my guy in the end--- we followed wyll and karlach to avernus hahaha#what are the devils gonna do? steal the soul we don't have?? TRY IT BITCH#of course i did reload multiple times to have my character kill himself. because that was another option that felt possible for his charact#...and also because i wanted to see how companions would react to it. krewfjewlkrjewklrjewl- although the narration for durge suicide#is also quite interesting! of course maybe that's just me being mentally ill eff (/lh) but having a kill that isn't going to murder daddy?#gives a redeemed durge some control and a final say at last. which is still sad but a nice way to tie up their death methinks#ANYWAY- time to go find a way to convert him into a full-on OC. elves and dwarves are one thing but giths are blatantly dnd so i'mma have#to figure that out for my own story lore and universe--- some kinda new species? humanify him? or convert to another existing general speci#hmm hmm hmmmmmmmmmm-#emmodii plays bg3
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my autistic ass when i would try to explain to my non-autistic writer friends how my ocs don’t just feel like characters/plot devices/narrative tools, they feel like fully fledged people that just live inside my brain who i just have access to for some reason and the stories i write are merely a snapshot into their fully fledged personhood/lives. and that that these feelings don’t mean i’m unaware of my role/agency/responsibility as the writer who has the final say in these characters and how they are written it just means that my writing process feels very intuitive and i can only describe it as “listening” and “getting to know” these people that just live inside my brain in a way that i don’t feel like i can completely elaborate on. and because of this i would actually consider these characters “real” in their own way because the impact and influence they have had on me as a person beyond just my writing is so real and not having them would feel like i’m missing a part of myself
#DISCLAIMER! when i say autistic i do not mean this is an exclusively autistic experience or that every autistic person will experience this#i mean that its my autism that makes me not just have my characters be my special interest but also feel so intensely about them#and why i have sometimes felt weird talking about my characters with people because i am just experiencing ocs in a different way#to them#also i think one time when i tried to explain this to someone they thought i literally meant that i felt my characters were real#and when i look back on moments like that i am like beloved you need to get yourself some autistic friends#also its 10pm and ive been up since 6am and this was a very emotionally heavy day so im about to post this and log out and we'll see how#tomorrow me feels about that#but anyways the point of this post is i did not realise this was not universal and felt kinda weird about it for a while until i realised#that it is just the autism and i was like wow this is actually very cool of me i think actually#yesterday my bf sent me song links and was like i feel like felix would listen to these#and ive been thinking about this ever since hence the post because that made me so happy bc i was like i feel like you're seeing him as a#real part of me the way i see him as a real part of me
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well basically like raise your hand if you’ve ever been blocked by a close mutual you though you were actually friends with and not just fandom-mates because you expressed an emotion they didn’t like because apparently they only want to interact with people who watch the same media as them and when you didn’t anymore they stopped talking to you and the media you DID have in common they gave up on once they found something more popular and seeing as that thing happened to be your favorite thing you graciously let them have because you believed you were friends and they would treat it with care and love but they didn’t and it made you feel like they didn’t respect you or like you or think of you as a person but rather as a faceless entity who sometimes could make Posts about tv shows you have in common. despite the fact they know what your face looks like because they’ve seen it because you’ve gotten together on zoom and watched movies together like friends do but that doesn’t mean anything i guess if you try to delicately have a conversation about how you feel because they just immediately dismiss you and start talking to you like you’re coworkers in a polite email chain because you said you didn’t like their tv show. which was a fact they already knew but didn’t take seriously because they were apparently never viewing you as a person! or has that only happened to me.
#and i’m not trying to make a callout post and start drama this is just my blog where i talk about my life#and i wouldn’t start drama because i’m not stupid enough to think anyone would take my side because no one likes me more than this other#person i’m pretty sure. due to the everything about me that kinda sucks i guess#but more so to do with the fact that there is a very small number of people on here i actually feel like. friends with. and everyone else#just follows the fandom posting they like best. which is fine and i do that as well#but i would probably be devastated if someone else i thought i was friends with didn’t pick me. so i’m not saying anything#i mean you could ask. but lately i’ve felt very fleabag season 2 episode 1 opening scene dinner. so#(‘no one’s asked me a question in 45 minutes’)#anyway. yeah. awesome. ok#um and it should go without saying that if there’s a traitor in my midst (dramatic way of saying that. i’m not actually like. beefing)#don’t like. send this post to who i’m talking about and make shit awkward. you’d think that’s common sense but it’s not#when i was ousted from stranger things fandom for committing the heinous crime of not liking steve there was a lot of insane shit that#happened. which i do not care to repeat. who sends someone’s vaguepost to the person they were vaguing that’s such bad etiquette fr 🙄#and i can’t believe how nice i was about it to those people i should have killed them that shit was so stupid#you had to be there#and also this isn’t fandom drama i’m just sad. so it’s completely different#because the fandom drama example i just gave was pure pettiness and bitchiness tbh. i was 20 what do you want from her
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ok so while my ds is getting sand poured into it at alarming rates I'm thinking about how jrpgs in specific have a really weird desync with How Important Death Is. like some address it better than others but it very frequently happens where if you take a step back youll go "am I wild or is everybody just like, Really down with murder in this game". and consequences for said murder, especially in a characterization sense but even just actual physical consequences, don't really happen? unless it's a vehicle for conflict but like. when it is a vehicle for conflict it feels weird because why are These Guys actually taking the fact we killed somebody in broad daylight seriously and coming after us for it while all the other npcs and even the main party took it like it was another saturday evening
see I Think where the issue lies is in the fact that everything is in its own little world when you're in a battle? like. when you fight an enemy and you get leather out of it it's seen as something the enemy Drops and not. their hide. when you defeat a character in a battle it does just feel like you Defeated them. unless there's dialogue afterwards that says otherwise you don't even mentally assume you killed em you just wounded them enough to make them flee or dissolve or whatever. and it's Weird to just. have that assumption there because for a lot of games it really isn't clear if you're killing them or defeating them !!
that last point is extra important when you have the specific brand of Skittish Hero / Noble Hero Who Doesn't Kill People / Rational Hero In Way Over Their Head or whatever where you really don't think they Would kill a guy just to get them out of the way. in that case it's REALLY weird because it's hardly brought up. even if it Is brought up that that guy Sure Did Die the mc doesn't tend to actually have a reaction ??? and I don't know why this is ???? like Any written reaction would be more interesting than nothing even if the guy doesn't have a full on crisis about taking another life having them go "oh shit, The Consequences" would be nice. really anything except (oh cool we can advance the plot now).
I will also mention that Some deaths do matter plot wise but very frequently what makes them matter is how much of it is linked to an in game battle I think. if your mc just finishes a fight and comes back to the overworld and the guy's Disappeared or Dissolved or whatever it means they don't matter. if the guy's still around after the fight it means it's more significant, especially if they're still alive but wounded or Really Shaken Up. because this clears up the indistinguishable line between if a battle is lethal or not and if a character decides to deal a finishing blow now it's Way more telling of their character. even though this is basically the same thing that happened in the (killed In A Battle) scenario. just with more dialogue. I will also mention that the person who deals the finishing blow is Rarely Ever that good hearted protagonist and often they'll even go :0 at somebody else committing a murder despite them instigating and helping murder quite a few people. just. In Battle. so it's less bad. I guess.
this is leaving out the fact that in party deaths are often a Major Major Blow because like. ok that's fair. that's A Guy You Knew that's understandable. anyway I don't really know where I'm going with this I just think it's interesting how in these types of games death can swap from not mattering at all to mattering a Lot and if u don't think about it too hard u don't even question it. I'll probably be putting some examples in the tags idk
#i will note that in this specific instance most of my party Is actually super down with murder like vocally#so its less weird but it Is weird that the mc does. Not Seem The Type.#i mean not to say he should have tried to spare everybody i think its kinda neat that he doesnt but#if the fact that he doesnt was brought up at all thatd be interesting. have him acknowledge he killed a dude#but no hes just kind of standing there like (ok what next) no leaning one way or another#these would all be interesting reactions if they were actually Brought Up in dialogue but no its just. oversight#anyway this is about sand but ive also felt this about live a live and even bits of twewy#like specifically in lal the fact that the edo chapter Exists and killing people is just Battling Them made me look at Every Other Chapter#thru a lens of (okay am. am i killing these dudes.) and the answer is I DUNNO#like the guy exploded into a cloud of mist theres no way hes Not dead but its STRANGE#this felt most noticeable in the imperial china and present day chapters because they had mcs who decidedly did not feel down with murder#specifically present day because masaru is fighting this guy for the crime of killing a guys. and woa. he killed a guys. with his Hands#i think theres only a handful of deaths in lal that actually mean anything and you can tell which they are because they dont explode#like in You Know The Part with The Character I Cant Say that guys i think the only time defeating an enemy Leaves A Corpse#ok actually thats a lie the Other Guy I Cant Say in The Chapter Before That also died like that and that was equally important#s also worth mentioning that said first guy can ? also die without leaving a corpse? just turn to ash??#depending on where u go with him. which is weird right. thats weird right.#maybe that just means (hey youre not supposed to feel bad about him dying this tiiiime)#anyway its 5 am ill post this in the morning#veespeaks
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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#its times like this Im like hmm maybe I have bpd because. some how I dont think this is a normal human reaction#idk my emotions have always felt like extremes and its like . ah . a lot would MAKE SENSE but I also just dont know enough to be like yep i#its bpd for shure. especially because emotional regulation is strongly tied to adhd so maybe its just that??? who fuckijg know#anyway I just. checked life360 and saw all my friends were at dennys#like literally all of them but me and the other who doesnt even live in the city#and its like oh#they didnt think to invite me#even though it wouldnt be out of the way. considering one lives in walking distance of me#they never welcomed me home either#and its just so#I havent interacted with them but theyve just dropped me completely. every interaction feels flat and it just hurts so bad#I want to cause a scene and throw a fit but I know they genuinely do not care about me enough to be affected by that#anyway even before this ive just been. weirdly aggitated today#I kinda know what caused it but also not reallY? GL was watching anime withj his bf and he said something slightly off#and then that was just like. it. and suddenly its like pure anger for no reason and its like#hm.. that feels like a symptom ! and then suddenly every single interaction with anyone feels like im eating glass and its so.#who fuckingknow
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hate to be a hater on the main … but this season of ted lasso excels (once again) at team dynamic and the found family elements and i think the finale absolutely nailed that, i cried, i laughed, it was perfect on that. now as for the individual stories and relationships… yeah, let’s leave it at that
#(rant below ignore me)#i think making longer episodes allowed them to add stories that felt so pointless to me#what was the point of zava? to make jamie understand something about himself? could have done that better with just the roy plot#i would have understood roy and keeley breaking up of it was like ‘let’s both grow as individuals’#and roy kinda did but apparently not enough because his plot at the end is how he do better so i guess he didn’t#jamie had the best development only to then lose part of it by throwing the random video comment?? like why??#keeley my love … from the random friend that added nothing to the story to an undervelopped love interest plot line … they did u so dirty#why the hell was ted so emotionally off this last episode instead of actually talking the time to proper end things with london and everyone#rebecca was SOBBING and ted was like ‘well gotta go’ ??#it’s not about the ship or anything but what ?? and rebecca … love that she stayed with the club#but to have her end up with some random creepy man she met once and whose name WE DONT EVEN KNOW#i have no issues with ted going home to his son. it makes perfect sense. but it felt so weird#the nate plot was wrapped kinda poorly too??#sam colin and most of the guys from the team were amazing#and the found family and team dynamic was still amazing as always#the beard and jane relationship was always weird to me because it feels like joke after joke of.. abuse?#do they get married or was it a dream?? and if so was the whole sequence a dream? and if it wasn’t WHO DID THE CGI FOR THE WEDDING 💀#we spent more time with these characters this season and it doesn’t feel that way and idk this season felt weird at so many points#I LOVE THIS SHOW I DO!! first 2 seasons are one of my all time favourite seasons of a sitcom!! and i still enjoyed a lot about s3 <33#anyway sorry to be a hater on the main but it was just a weird season to end it on#anti ted lasso#<- i really don’t wanna upset anyone i just felt like ranting a little 💀 pls don’t hate me#ted lasso spoilers
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I will quite literally probably never accept that anyone likes me romantically
#whimsy whispers#whims woes#I already don’t believe anyone likes me generally but like#the only times people have liked me I’ve ended up dumped#the only time someone has shown interest in me first it was as I mentioned in the tags of my prev psot: a mutual who kept sending anons#saying they had a crush on wnd was in love with me while pretending they didn’t send them#before finally admitting it was them and then being weird about it#or people flirting with me as a joke and then it’s like hahah my feelings are a joke to you (this hasn’t happened in a while so I never got#the chance to go ‘hey can you not flirt with me as a joke it kinda hurts a lot!’ which is good because I didn’t wanna have that convo#maybe they got from my reluctance to participate that I didn’t like them doing that idk#I have never brought it up with them and as long as they don’t flirt with me as a haha funny joke again I never will#actually in middle and high school a few ppl showed interest in me but I never like felt the same way towards them#just like#my attempts at romance do not end well as I said I get dumped a month and a few days is the longest both my actual relationships lasted#oh weird men who were my customers also use to flirt with me when I and a job which was uncomfy because i was working and was forced to be#polite and I couldn’t tell my managers because they didn’t care!#uhhh anyways I do not believe I’m ever going to be in a loving relationship and it sucks#but I also guess it’s for the better because I probably wouldn’t ever believe anyone who says they like me in such a way anyways whne I#hardly believe anyone platonically cares for me either#I think a relationship with me is destined to fail and would be toxic because I’m clingy and have trouble being loved#delete later#this is a dumb psot but most my woes posts are!#so I’ll bury it under posts and forget about it and then delete it when I remember it exists#sorry again remembering that one mutual and just noting everything else made me go ‘huh im going to die alone aren’t I?’
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I set us up tupper for our personal discord server 👍
Probably should get rid of pk for the account we usually use, made us an alt for the system as well so it can be connected to that instead if we bother. Or if *I* bother, since I'm the one doing this shit ig.
Kinda dumb but kinda reasonable but not that there's a max of 500 tuppers. I don't imagine using that many but it's dumb. But reasonable.
I need a pfp eventually for myself, and I have a faceclaim so just need to get that made and set up eventually.
Even ☕️ doesn't really have a proper pfp rn, but atleast they have a better representation of itself than me.
Whatever.
#sepiasys.txt#Also when listing off who we know of; it felt like these names were just. detached. unfamiliar. not real. It was discouraging.#Like bruh are we fuckin NOT REAL??? I would be pissed off if I wasn't real. But then I'm always pissed off so nothin' new :/#This is in case we feel like using the proxies on Discord. We usually just send msgs on SP or chat there.#Sending msgs to profiles kinda works because we actually straight forget what anyone sent; even if we remember who might've.#Plus we made a 'Message Board' alter that's always fronting. Real helpful (not sarcasm)(it sounds like it in my head but it's not; promise).#Anyways yeah no I think I'm ultimately responsible for the productivity around here sometimes. Sucks :/#But pretty sure cohost (we dont like JUST 'host') is like super fuckin depressed; so that makes it hard to do things ig.#So yeah. that's fun.#Ugh we forgot to do writing. But I'm not the one who does that shit; and I don't think we'll be up to do it anyways.#Fuckin self-inflicted obligations... There's two beliefs hitting suddenly:#We're not actually obligated to do every day; and it's okay to just post whatever even if it's not our best work.#I GET IT; WE CONSUME AND NEED THE POSITIVE STUFF. I'M NOT THE ONE TO TELL IT TO THOUGH‼️
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The world is set on prescriptivism and... it doesn't jive with me
#I could elaborate on what I mean; but I don't see much point when it's not like anyone's even gonna see this#and I just kinda doubt that anything I'd have to say here would be all that insightful anyway#but I just find myself a descriptivist living in a world full of prescriptivists#which maybe that sounds silly; but I promise I mean something specific with it#and a lot of what I mean boils down to the concept that almost everyone seems to 'know' the right way to go about this or that#where as me... the more I live the more I find everyone's path is unique; and the stuff that worked for me isn't a good fit for everyone#and on the inverse; things that make me miserable might be exactly what someone else needs#every solution needs to be custom tailored to fit the person who uses it; that's what I find#(you can make some general guesses or nudges; but you're going to need to treat the patient; not the chart)#(ie; you're gonna need to actually engage with the specific person and figure out what works; not just toss generalisims at them)#so that's my stance; I don't try and say how things should be (when it comes to people) I just try and see how they are and go from there#...that's not how much of anyone else tends to view things; so I find anyway#everyone always has infinite advice about how you can do exactly what they think would fix your situation#and it comes from a place of caring; doesn't it? they say do this cause they're convinced that's what you need to do#but... both for me and for others I find it's rarely that simple; if it was that easy they'd have already done it#it's like my last therapist; all these ideas about what I needed to do (that were dumb; but had a kernel of sense in them)#(things like his suggestion I play pvp in a game with bad pvp and also I hate pvp)#(when the better suggestion was to group more; because the point was to get out of my comfort zone in low risk ways)#but he had all these ideas and it felt like he got very frustrated when I wasn't moving forward; so... I quit seeing him#and... turns out what I needed to move forward was to wait like a year or two for a big shake up#where I finally had the chance to leverage things into owning my house... and then I could actually act again#like right now I may be stuck; but not like then; I actually do have many ways forward that I can try and work on things#(and... I slowly try to... I'm not why people seem so convinced that I haven't thought of trying to move forward...)#(I just suck and it takes me a long time... way longer than I'd like... but I do try and keep moving forward)#eh... why do I even bother writing shit like this?#mm tag so i can find things later
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yooooooooo 5am ptsd flashback gacha pulls just dropped wooooooo yeah lets go gamers!!!!!
#tag traumadump cause my loved ones are all asleep#and I had to cancel therapy this week cause I have covid and my therapist wont be here for what was meant to be my appointment next week so#country boys make do or whatever#and yk what it's exhausting to only ever tell my closest loved ones what my daily symptom shit looks like#if even them#so!#tonight I can't stop thinking about having been a youth service worker. I'm feeling in my body what it felt like to have to restrain someone#to stop them from killing themself#the feeling of using my body as a shield for a kid who used racial slurs as he hospitalized me#against another kid#against oncoming cars#or my hand between his head and the wall#better to break my fingers than to allow the brain damage that could happen in just an instant#I'm also remembering staying with my aunt in high school#and thinking about how when I was kicked out of my house to hers#she would throw parties in the living room where I was given the couch to sleep#I woke up at like 5am for school cause the bussing was stupid long#and she'd do it til past midnight#the only quieter place I could go was the kitchen and the kitchen had little floorspace that wasn't allocated to her dogs cage#so I slept in front of that cage with her dog on the floor. didn't even give me a blanket lol#that dog slept more comfortably than I did those nights running from my dad :')#now I'm a dog too and the thought of sleeping in a cage is comforting#not because or in spite of thst memory... like it wasn't a conscious factor and I've always kinda Been A Dog anyways#but it's funny to think back on.#I've lived with a lot of people who liked their dogs a lot better than me#of course they were gonna be my role models when they were the dependents in my family that got treated the most lovingly lol#anyway my Place to them was made clear and it only took a little over a decade to realize how much I Understood The Assignment lol#woof woof.
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