#because it hurt SO BAD after surgery
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it's time for the 72-hour after action report!
this was a deeply Weird experience. unlike other times wherein I've gotten vaccines and/or boosters, the only thing that happened in the first twelve hours was that my arms hurt and I was very tired. they hurt a LOT, but by the twelve hour mark and my second bedtime, I genuinely thought I'd gotten off basically scott-free from a vaccine reaction.
and then I hit 1 am, and the 15 hour mark.
I woke up freezing, feverish, desperately thirsty and too weak to reach for the water bottle on my bedside table. my entire body felt bruised, and I was wracked with chills. I didn't have the strength to reach for my water or my phone for four excruciating hours. I couldn't get out of bed for three hours after that.
I have no idea why it took so long for my immune system to notice what I'd done to it. I'm blaming my immunosuppressant.
I ate ibuprofen like skittles on saturday, but any time it started to wear off the fever and the body aches revved up again.
yesterday, I was able to go to the store to buy juice, but it flattened me.
it's monday now. I'm still running an intermittent low-grade fever, I'm still tired and my bones still hurt, but that's just business as usual with an autoimmune disease. unless I have a dramatic relapse, I'll be going back to work tonight.
now. would I recommend anyone else do this?
no. absolutely not. maybe it'd be less unpleasant for someone without immune system issues (or a puppy, I can't pretend Nola's insistence on stepping on all my tender spots wasn't a contributing factor), but this experience genuinely sucked.
did I learn anything from this experience?
NOPE.
I have a bad time with vaccines, no matter how many I get at a time, and even tho my brain and memory got cooked by the aforementioned autoimmune disease, this is nowhere near the most painful thing I remember doing to myself.
I will probably end up doing this to myself again.
never let it said I'm not an overachiever
#sufferpunk life#stupid haunted devil body#semi-liveblogging#for the record the most painful thing I ever did to myself was get weight loss surgery#it wins at being both the most acutely and chronically painful thing#because it hurt SO BAD after surgery#and fucked up my insides so much that I'm still in pain twelve years after having my lapband taken out#gotta love the adhesions and gastroparesis#and it was financially and emotionally painful#this vaccine clusterfuck was at least free
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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had such a good experience with surgery today i can’t even fully explain
#🍄.txt#i’m so happy that fuck ass doctor referred me to another doctor in the building because he was so nice and attentive#taking the time to explain things to me and make sure i was good#even said oh well if ur really uncomfortable we can always go to the operating room! :)#when the other doctor treated me like a nuisance the whole time and like some dumb child#well if you can’t sit still they’re going to have to put you under elsewhere 🙄#I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT IN THE BUILDING? SHE MADE IT SEEM LIKE I WAS INCONVENIENCING HER THE WHOLE TIME#i was asking a bunch of questions because knowing makes me feel less nervous and he answered everything so clearly even when my mom was#asking questions too#recommending me different medications to keep this from happening again etc etc etc#so fucking bare minimum for a doctor but it was so nice seriously i wish i could thank him again for making it a more#comfortable experience#he put numbing shots on the inside AND outside of my lid just in case we needed to go from the outside this time#and while it hurt obviously it was so much better than the single shot she gave me the first time three weeks ago#she told me this would be a much more extensive surgery and here i am with my eyelid barely swollen 😐#i could barely see with it open three weeks ago immediately after because it hurt too much and was so swollen#what the fuck how do you have such contrasting experiences with two people who literally work together in the same building#anyway bad doctor experiences are always so fucking bad but when you have a really good experience it just feels crazy and insane#like wow thank u for treating me like a person#did i mention i actually left with care instructions this time written out. and the medicine recommendations on a physical piece of paper#i didn’t even get that after surgery with her how is that not below bare minimum#like this actually surprised me. jesus christ
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it's really hard to come to terms with but i think i just have to accept that i can't do the good work right now. and the people who are, are doing it for people like me
#i've had three incredibly traumatic things happen to me in the past 3-ish months and when i walk by the mirror i look like a dead person#i don't know how to stay sane with my own personal shit on top of the political hellscape#it's so bad. literally all of the energy i have i put towards maintaining myself or trying to get better#it's frustrating. i knew what real happiness felt like for a brief moment after escaping my abuser and then it was snatched away#i only got to enjoy jul-oct as being able to see the light in life for the first time since childhood#but i work at it because i know what it feels like now and i want it back#surgeries and therapies and medicines and trying every day to do something to enrich my life. making my living space nice#having new experiences. talking to friends and family. making art#all of the energy i have i must put towards those things. i am trying very hard#and i don't know. the Everything going on in the US is just hurting me. i can't deal with it. i don't know what to do#i have a creeping feeling that i should actually start looking into fleeing the country#but when i think of the monumental effort involved in that i feel like i'm about to crumble#everyone who is fighting. thank you because i can't#i try not to let the guilt-trippy stuff get to me but the subconscious can only hear something so many times before it believes it#what awful timing to not have anything to spare#also learned recently i'm very iron deficient but without anemia. who knows for how long i've been this way#kind of explains a lot though. just no one tested my ferritin levels until now
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don't you love when you dream you were stabbed or shot or fell and broke something or some other thing and wake up to some kind of severe pain that makes you wanna cry but you can't do anything about it to stop it. and bonus points if you also have to pee really bad so have to force yourself to get up 😐
also I accidentally missed my volunteering today because I tried to get up a few times but it hurt and I gave up and fell back asleep and kept getting woke up by those pain dreams fbddsjjsjjs I feel so disoriented and out of it. idk what to do about it. Just ignore it I guess 🥲 have to go back to work in a couple hours and mop up salt for 5 hours again. ugh. can the snow and cold stop existing now?????? it's so painful 🥲😭
also I can't tell if I feel like i'm going to throw up because of stomach issues or because sometimes my chronic pains seem to make me nauseous for some reason in general. or both???? I want to disappear for a while. not go back to work 😭😭😭😭
#chronic pain#lee rants#regular pain meds like ibuprofen dont work on me#once i was in so much pain i took like 10 or 12 (lost count) of them in 3 hours because they woulsnt work and i just threw up lmao#now they make my stomach hurt so i refuse to take them#so i just suffer and accept my pain#never tried stronger stuff but dont want to because reasons. also its so hard to get prescription pain meds here because#i live in an area with high rates of addiction and drug abuse and stuff so pain meds are barely prescribed now. they will deny you#actually i lied i tried some after i had a surgery. surgery area didnt hurt much but my back pain and migraines were AWFUL and#the prescription opioid did nothing for either of them. so i just never took them. i still have them. but dout you can take 5 year old meds#so i probably shouldnt try#afraid to talk to a doctor about my chronic pain since theyre all used to everyone aroujd here only seeking drugs#and heard horror stories from family about doctors and even emergency clinics denying them pain meds becasue#they were accused of faking for drugs. its so bad here. ill be labled as “drug seeker” and get ignored#even tho i dont even want them! i just want some kind of useful help so i can sleep and walk without my joints feeling like HELL.#and my muscles screaming and my nerves electrocuting me every time i move!!#sighs. all i have to do is get used to the growing pain over and over and keep learning how to ignore it
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god please be fucking gentle to me this year
#a.txt#i wasnt fond of my mom walking in on me crying my eyes out at midnight#and i dont. want to talk about it with her#because im crying over shit i cant change#i need to get out of this state#out of my fucking job. i jsut wanna be able to have fun again#but every time im trying to my brain makes me mentally check out#and then i just snap back and im crying this shit fucking sucks so bad#idk what sets me off anymore even. it just happens#i feel like everything hurts all the time and i dont want to talk to anyone anymore#im still gonna try to push through this year. i have top surgery in my cards and after that i can. do better please god i want to be better
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Feels like my legs were twisted out of place, back to my roadkill era.
#It's the same as ever so the pain doesn't bother me. Would be weird if I suddenly started caring wouldn't it.#Mother thinks the arches in my feet are getting deformed from the knee injuries.#I'm not really standing correctly at this point.#My limbs and joints hurt in general. Nerve pain probably.#Almost certainly something with my nerves it is a full-body problem this week.#Upon examination I don't really agree with my mother.#I think it looks like my feet are flat because my lower legs are at really disgusting angles when I stand.#My most normal posture happens when I am grabbing onto furniture or a wall.#I'm quite tired so I am going to sleep.#I wanted to draw today but it just didn't eventuate.#I feel terrible because my sleeping has been awful recently.#Sunset is getting earlier again which is upsetting.#After dark is when I get the most severe anxiety of my life just a terrible terrible doom sense.#I'm comfortable in the dark itself my issue isn't a horror thing.#It doesn't feel worth explaining. You either get it or you don't.#I think the pain in my legs is putting me in a bad mood.#If I think about what is happening in my knees I stop being able to feel my hands.#That kind of sensation. I associate it with being afraid of surgery.#I just lose the sensation in my forearms and lower legs out of insane anxiety for a moment.#It is whatever. 2am I am going to bed. Goodnight... sorry I seem moody.
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grits teeth. i can be normal about kekkai sensen. see? im not even writing any meta in this post. im going to do normal non kekkai sensen things even
#.text#not true im going back to drawing klaus#anyway you know what strikes me about stevens character is he really does care about his friends so so so much its crazy#like. i dont think he jumped out of the hospital after surgery. to kill that kid again. i reallllly dont#to have him do that right after leo pissed him off and hurt him - even if he Did save everyones lives in the process from the twins - is#like. he really did not do that because he wanted to kill that kid. it was for the same reason he jumped off of safety#at the end of the chapter. he didnt even like. have any way to help zapp and zed stop their fall. he just jumped after them.#he is in the unique position of extremely lonely and distrustful and so violently loyal and protective of libra#like last rb pointed out ... he got so angry when he thought theyd been sold out.#i hate him so bad <- the lying liar
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Your writing is stunning! Can I request injured!reader and Carmy rushing to be by her side? god the idea of that man dropping everything to be with you....
this has been in my drafts for probably a year now. i forget why i was hesitant to post it. so here’s something for you all :)
“Hey, Cousin—”
“I’m in the middle ‘f something, not now, Richie—”
“Hey.” He raises his brows, gives that serious look that has Carmen’s head peeking over his shoulder because it’s so sharp he can feel it. “It’s your girl. You wanna take this.”
He gets nervous, then, heart beginning to race. Where’s his fuckin’ phone?
“Give it here,” he says, arm extended. Richie hands it over and slips out the door, shutting it to leave Carmen by himself in the office; it only makes hurt stomach lurch harder.
He lifts the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
“. . . Carm?” Your voice is broken and wobbly, wrought with tears.
“Baby?” He doesn’t even think before he’s jumping out of his chair, tucking the phone between his jaw and shoulder while he scrambles to find his keys. “Baby, you there? Where are you?”
“I-I’m at the hospital, I tried calling you—”
“The hospital—?” His mind goes back to New York, back to that morning. “What—” He takes a deep breath. His jacket. Where the fuck is it? “Okay, you’re okay, I’m comin’ now, alright?” He storms out of the office toward the lockers, finds everything right where he put it, including his phone. Dead. Fuck. “I gotta hang up, okay? I’m sorry, I know, I can’t take the phone with me. I’ll be there soon, I promise.”
“O-Okay.” A shuddered breath rings through the line, and it kills him. “I’m okay, Carmy—”
“I know,” he says, shimmying into his jacket and feeling for his keys. “I know, baby, but I’m comin’ anyway, you hear me? Gonna be there in ten.”
“Okay.”
“Okay. I love you.”
He doesn’t put the phone back properly, just slides it across the counter and hopes it doesn’t break again, shouting out orders over his shoulder on his way out the door.
The ride there is the longest ten minutes of his life. He doesn’t know what to expect. He doesn’t know anything at all, really. Are you hurt? How bad is it? What happened? Is it a burn, a broken bone, just a flu that got out of hand? Will you need surgery? Did you get in an accident? Did someone try to hurt you? He doesn’t want you to be alone right now. He needs to be there with you. You were fine this morning. You were fine this morning, all beautiful and groggy when he kissed you awake, still cozied up in bed when he left early as the sky turned blue after sunrise. You were fine. You were fine, and then he left, and suddenly you weren’t.
The fluorescent lights make him nauseous. They’re too bright, and a disgusting color, and too different from all the gentle lighting you insisted upon at home. Made the place homey, you said, and he agreed. The nurses at the station must think he’s out of his mind, all wide-eyed and asking for you.
“What’s your name?” the one asks him.
“Carmen, I’m her fiancé, I was—I was just on the phone with her—”
“Okay,” she nods, softening. “She’s doin’ alright now, she was askin’ for you, though. Still gotta get her wrapped up, but you’ll be outta here soon.”
He’s too busy wondering What the fuck does that mean? to properly answer.
When he’s finally brought to your room, his nerves subside—only a little. There’s no blood, no bland hospital gown to say you’re headed off to the operating room. Just a pillow over your tummy, with your arm—your swollen, bruised arm—resting on top of it.
“Hey, hon,” he says, coming to your bedside and smoothing a hand over your forehead to press his lips to your temple. “You alright? What happened?”
“They—” you sniffle when you look up at him, lip quivering— “They had to take my ring off, Carmy—” he nods along to your rambling with a concerned brow— “I-I told them not to, but they said my hand was too swollen—that-that it was gonna mess up my finger—. . .”
“What’s that, baby?” He smiles into your hair and exhales through his nose. So typical of you to get upset about something cute like that, he knows you’ll be okay. “Your arm’s all black ‘n blue, and you’re worried about your ring—?”
“But it’s special—”
“Shhhhh . . . I know, I know . . . ‘m just askin’ you to ease up.” Another kiss lands on your forehead before he asks, “Where’s it at, baby? I’ll fix it for you.”
You pout and look somewhere behind him. “On the table, but you’re not gonna be able to—”
“Just take a breath ‘n relax f’me, yeah? I got it.”
He stands upright again, turning to check that the ring is there—that beautiful, beautiful big diamond for his precious girl, before reaching toward the nape of his neck to unclasp his chain. Carefully, he threads it through the ring, silently urges you to sit up so he can hook it around your neck, icy-cool on your smooth skin, admiring the way it sparkles like your eyes.
You’re still pouting when he’s done, and he kisses your soft lips anyway while he wipes away stray tears. “Better?”
“. . . yeah,” you admit through a murmur.
“Good,” he huffs, pulling the visitor’s chair right next to your bed. With your good arm, you reach for him, just any part of him, and he holds your hand as he kisses your dry knuckles. “You gonna tell me what happened now? What’s got you all banged up?”
And you groan and roll your eyes, insisting that it’s too embarrassing to tell, and he lets you drag it out just because he thinks it’s cute when you’re stubborn. The doctor comes in with the x-rays to confirm that, yes, indeed, you’ve got yourself a broken arm, and after you’re splinted and discharged and given a sling and the next day’s protocol, Carmen holds your good hand on the way out the door.
“Oh,” you start, pausing before he opens the car door for you, “I forgot to tell you.”
“Hm?”
“I drove here.”
“You what?”
“I told you, I was embarrassed, Carm—”
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, baby,” he grunts, laughing and shaking his head with fingers running through his hair as he helps you into the passenger’s seat. “You’re killin’ me today, y’know that?”
And it’s not the last time. When he unlocks the front door and sees the laundry spilled all the way down the stairs, with a basket flipped upside down at the bottom, he can put the pieces together. He kisses you softly, doesn’t say a word about it, takes you to the bedroom, and tucks you into bed to let you rest now that your adrenaline is wearing off and the pain meds are making you sleepy.
He fixes up the mess without a second thought, and once he’s done he slips right under the covers next to you, thanking whatever God there is that you’re okay, and that he’s got you back in his arms.
(And tomorrow, when he takes you into the doctor’s office for a proper cast, he has Natalie and Pete pick up your car. He still hounds on you about it weeks later, how you drove yourself to the hospital with a broken arm. You insist it makes for a good story, and to that he can’t deny.)
#carmen berzatto#carmy berzatto#jeremy allen white#carmy the bear#carmen berzatto x reader#carmy berzatto x reader#carmen berzatto fluff#carmy berzatto fluff#carmen berzatto imagine#carmy berzatto fic#the bear#the bear fx#the bear hulu
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Head in the Clouds IV
Barcelona Femení x Teen!Reader
Summary: Your first few months in Barcelona
On the second to last match of the season at Chelsea, you get hurt.
You go to ground instantly and clutch at your leg, shrieking and rolling around on the floor. Your girlfriend is at your side instantly, holding your hand and whispering in your ear.
You tear your hamstring on the second to last match.
Alexia, Marta and Patri watch the replay of it happening a week later after they're told that Barcelona are signing you.
"Is it going to be healed in time?" Patri asks," It looked bad."
"She didn't need surgery and the doctors have given her around ten weeks. She'll be ready in time for the first match of the season."
"She's kind of young," Marta voices her thoughts next.
"So are a lot of our players."
"But they're from La Masia. They've been playing our style of football since they were kids. How do you know she'll do well?"
"We know," The staff respond," She's a great player and Lyon wanted her too. Be happy we snapped her up first."
Alexia sighs. "And what about schoolwork? She's English, right? Is she sticking with an English school or one of ours?"
"Her dad's Spanish," The staff member says," She speaks Spanish too."
Alexia, Marta and Patri frown as Paños walks in nearly ten minutes late.
"What did I miss?"
You don't feature much in their minds until your arrival in Barcelona months later.
A lot of the team are still riding the high of being World Cup winners so you largely go unnoticed for the first few days.
Alexia watches you from a distance though.
The staff said your father was Spanish yet she doesn't recognise you in the slightest. Clearly, you haven't been called up for the Spain youth teams yet so maybe you aren't quite as talented as the club seems to think you are.
You're on the tail end of your rehab so you're not in full training yet and no one's quite seen your skills.
You're not the only new member of the team and with everyone else in training, you fade into the background a bit.
"She looks familiar," Irene notes one day as she watches you pass slowly with one of the trainers.
"Does she? I don't recognise her," Alexia replies.
"No. I'm sure that I know her from somewhere."
It's not until weeks later that Irene knows how she recognises you.
She knows your father is Spanish, most of the team know by now but, like everyone else, she'd assumed that he was Catalan.
So, when Aitana addresses you in Catalan one day and you don't respond, it piques interest.
"You don't speak Catalan?"
"Why would I speak Catalan?"
"Because of your dad?"
"Oh! Papa is Basque so we speak that!"
"L/n?" Irene repeats your last name and you turn to look at her. "Your father doesn't happen to be one of the L/n's from Legazpi?"
"He is! How did you know that?"
A little bubble of laughter escapes Irene. "They used to live next door to me when I was a kid."
"Wow! That's so cool!"
It's another week or so before you join everyone else in training and that's when you make your mark.
You're a natural on the ball, easily cutting through everyone to bury it in the net. You receive passes expertly, bringing the ball down and turning to shoot in the next moment.
Most of all, you look like you're having fun. You look like the kids on the schoolyard do. You look like Alexia felt the first time she watched the men play at Camp Nou with her father.
You have talent, that much is certain.
But talent in training is different to talent in a match.
Since the revelation that you're Basque like her, Irene sticks close to you.
You enjoy her company. With your grandparents across the country, it's nice to speak Basque with someone and Irene's wife and son are so nice and sweet and you find yourself over at her place all the time.
It's at the same time, that Lucy and Keira seem to remember that you're English. It's fun to speak to people in English that understand your slang and Lucy in particular seems to light up when you mention that you've played for the England youth team a few times.
With you fully healed from your injury and the first match of the season coming up, you find yourself subbed on at the same time as Alexia.
She doesn't have high hopes with this being the first match of the season and the team getting back into the rhythm but she can't help but watch as you receive the ball in the midfield.
She expects you to be shut down quickly and pass it off but you avoid everyone that tries to take you down, even neatly leaping over a slide tackle.
You go one on one with the goalkeeper before chipping it over.
Alexia has never quite seen something like that before, especially from one so young.
You get another goal a moment later, nutmegging the keeper on your way and then complete your hattrick with ease with a worldie from outside the box.
A game that would have ordinarily ended 2-1 to Barcelona ends 5-1 because of three perfect goals from you.
You're a talent, Alexia thinks as you rock happily back and forth on your feet as you wait for your Nana and Granddad to come down from the stands.
You're better than a talent and Alexia can see you easily skipping the rest of the youth teams to make it into the senior teams.
She can imagine how easy it would be to link up with you for Spain, delivering pass after pass so you can kick it in easily.
She makes eye contact with Lucy across the pitch and the smirk tells Alexia everything she needs to know.
Lucy wants you for England.
"This is my granddad!" You tell Alexia, holding the hands of an older man with a receding hairline but a face marked with a life well lived and an older woman with a stern look and a walking stick," And my Nana!"
Your Nana says something but it's not the English that Alexia expects.
Her stomach sinks.
"Was that Swedish I heard?" Frido asks, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.
"Yes!" You say, gesturing to your Nana," She's from Sweden! We speak it at home together."
A thoughtful look appears on Frido's face and Alexia's eyes narrow.
No.
This can't be happening.
The most promising youngster Alexia has seen in years, can't be eligible to play for three different countries.
It's just not possible yet it's the position Alexia finds herself in now.
It's hours later that Olga wakes up to the sound of drilling in the middle of the night. She's got an early morning train to Madrid for work and groans as she's woken up, dragging herself out of bed and wandering down to the basement where the sound is coming from.
Alexia looks manic and Olga's mouth hangs open.
A conspiracy theory style board is screwed into the wall with pieces of string connecting pictures to you in the very centre.
"Ale?" She asks, not willing to believe her eyes," What is this?"
"A family tree!" Alexia replies almost too happily to not be tinged with the edge of sleep deprivation.
"Okay. Why do you have it?"
"I told you about that kid, right? Y/n L/N? Well turns out if she doesn't want to play for Spain then she's got two more countries she can play for! I'm just checking that she's not eligible for anyone else!"
"Alexia...What the hell?! Go to bed!"
"In a minute," Alexia says dismissively," I'm just working out whether any of her parents were adopted or not."
#woso x reader#barcelona femeni x reader#barca femeni x reader#barcelona femeni#barca femeni#woso community#woso imagine#woso fanfics#woso
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you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
#spilled ink#warm up#can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically#i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason#it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism.#and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out#we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you.#this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism#where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off.#your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell#at the industry - you are probably not listening .#anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit#but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance#> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally#> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field#> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :)#(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice#i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.#cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men.#so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT.#instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them.#which btw. is like. actual feminism.)
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"Bring your kid to work day."
Alastor fluff - a continuation of 'Almost Instictual' and 'Instinct.'
"Alastor, love." The radio demon turned around, looking at your disheveled frame before eying the baby in your arms. A gentle smile overtook your features as you attempted to not just fall over and go to sleep right there. "Y/n. Dear, you're not supposed to be up and about yet! Go back and rest-" You shook your head, putting a finger up as you shushed him and continued to rock the two-month-old in your arms. Taking a deep breath before speaking once again.
" I need you to take Maria out today, or just away from me for a little bit- I need to sleep and my stomach has been hurting so much. Please-" Alastor watched as you walked up to him and gently gave him the sleeping girl. He stiffened at the contact. "Y/n- I have a meeting today-" You waved your hand, dismissing his statement and laying back down in bed. You looked horrible. Still recovering from the C-section they had put you through after you went into labor. "I need sleep, I need time away so I don't strangle her. Please just take her for the day, or get a babysitter- I don't care."
Alastor wasn't someone who had much shame or could be embarrassed easily. It wasn't a secret that he would do things without thinking, and this moment was an example of just how bad that was.
"Is thou your offspring, Alastor?" Zestial poked a little black claw into the baby's face, a small chuckle leaving his form as the baby grabbed onto it. A babble left Maria's mouth before Alastor realized that he was being spoken to. "Biologically? No....But I have relations with her mother. Who is recovering from getting surgery and was asked to have the little thing accompany me today while she sleeps." The green man nodded. "Thou was domesticated my eyes see." Alastor laughed a bit himself, gently pushing zestials finger away from the child face before exiting the elevator. Had he truly been that tamed by you?
"Alastor, zestial-" Carmilla pinched the bridge of her nose, staring at the board at the end of the room with her back turned on them. Ready to yell at the two men before she turned around and just stood there. Staring at Alastor.
"Is that a fucking child?"
Alastor gently glared at the woman and covered Maria's ears. "Whoops." Rosie jumped up from her seat and ran towards the two. Smile as bright as ever as Alastor let her take the baby. "Oh, there's my goddaughter! Hi Maria! It's anti-Rosie!" Maria giggled a little bit and grabbed Rosie's hat. Alastor stretched a bit at the loss of weight in his arms. "Alastor where did you..get this child." Alastor deadpanned, gently taking Maria back from Rosie and ignoring the woman pleads to keep holding her. "She's mine, technically. Now- Maria here will be attending today's meeting." Rosie snickered, returning to her seat with Alastor. "Okay then..." The room shifted their gazes over to the doors, three voices laughing about how stupid the meetings were booming throughout the room now as the vees entered the little room.
"You five are late. I expected better than you. Including you, zestial." the old man just chuckled and nodded. The vees seated themselves without a care in the world.
Carmilla pinched the bridge of her nose. "Now, we are all here because-" Valentino raised his hand like a child, his eyes on Alastor who had a baby in his grasp. Carmilla groaned loudly. "What, Valentino?" "Why does Alastor have a child?" Vox glitched a bit, looking at the red demon who seemed completely unphased as the baby girl started to play with his ears. "Okay let's get the elephant out of the room already!" Carmilla stood up, pointing to Alastor and Maria. "The radio demon we all have known to be an asshole now has a baby. Alastor is now 'dating' a woman who has a child and she is not well so he brought her here. Any objections?" "Should we trust that fossil with a baby?" Velvette giggled a bit, raising her hand as well as rosie and alastor glared at her. "I ask you don't swear in her presence. Her mother would kill me" Alastor quickly added on. Vox gawking at the display. "So- you got someone to sleep with you?" Alastor shook his head no. "No! Of course not, i do not with for such....nasty activities. Just dating her mother. Isn't that right maria." "Carmilla, would you mind holding her?" She nodded as alastor handed the baby to her, a small sigh leaving his mouth as he fixed his suit. Looking over to see the baby being passed around. His static screeched to a halt. As soon as the baby got to vox, who was holding her normally. She started to cry. Everyone silent in the room as the baby was passed on to velvette. Who was surprisingly good with calming her down. As soon as she got to valentino tho he didn't know what to do, grimacing as he held the child up like simba. Alastor quickly took the baby and glared at valentino, holding her tight. "Now may we start the meeting? Thank you.”
#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel#alastor#alastor x reader#hazbin art#soft alastor#zestial#carmilla carmine#Alastor with a baby
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Im so glad you're writing for Curly bc I'm so obsessed with him rn!! May I suggest (if you haven't done them already) some soft/fluffy post burn hcs? Like finally seing him again after a long drive to the hospital, mentally preparing yourself for what he might look like. Curly being so afraid about how you'd react, and just breaking down when you let out an "oh, Curly :(" and softly place a hand on his cheek, so worried that you might hurt him by accident that it's hardly even a touch at all. Curly leaning his cheek into your palm, having been so scared to see you and now so desperate for your touch.
Life returning to a new normal after a while, prosthetics and PT, skin grafts, so on. Lying in bed with him and being so relived and happy when he gets a spark of mischief like he used to and tries to tickle or play wrestle with you. Him quietly asking questions when the laughter dies down. if you missed his lips, or the blond hair you loved so much that now hardly grew at all. Reassuring him that it didn't matter what he looked like, or what he could and could not do anymore. He's still your curly.
Sorry this turned out so long 😭 I can't get him out of my head!
I LOVE what you wrote 🙏🙏 I'll be going off of these, taking bits and pieces of your hcs and then putting them in here. Overall just gonna be fluffy post crash Curly hcs :)
Of topic, but the way some people in this fandom treat post crash curly makes me nauseous. Finding out that some of you wouldn't treat him like I would makes me wanna cry. Maybe I'm too empathetic or maybe I'm a baby back bitch, either way, I'd care for this man so much. Y'all don't understand how much I love him.
Tw/cw; none!! One curse word but that's literally it (I think)
Not proofread
Extremely sensitive to touch for the first few weeks. I feel as though curly would be in incredible pain, but would try his best to keep your hands touching his cheeks, face, body in general. He'd even go as far as to whimper at how bad it hurt, yet still enduring it because he needed to know you still loved him.
He'd be so happy to see you anytime you were around. Just like pre crash, but it was more special. It got to the point where you would take off work for weeks at a time just to be with him, just so you could see him happy.
After the first two months of agonizing pain, you'd start touching him more. Not sexual, obviously, but just getting more physically affectionate. You'd be able to hug and kiss him goodbye, and hold on to his arm as you talked with him.
Speaking of talking, he wouldn't be able to, so you would talk for him. Basically telling him something, then answering any questions he may or may not have. You've known him long enough, you know how he'd react and question things, so it was practically a no brainer for you.
Now that he doesn't feel as much pain as he used to from your touches, you'd begin sleeping with him. NOT SEXUAL!!! Just cuddling up next to him in the hospital bed, laying your head on his shoulders and kissing him goodnight. Just like how you used to.
Eventually he'd start getting prosthetics, and aside from the physical therapy he's usually getting, you'd bring board games and playing cards so he could learn to use his new hands while still spending time with you.
Curly used to kick your ass in uno and honestly he still does. The trembling in his hands would slowly go away over time, and you were helping him with that much more than his physical therapist was; because at least he wanted to actually be around you.
After months and months, he'd finally be ready to take home. New prosthetics and a bunch of skin graft surgeries later, he's in good condition again. Not perfect in his eyes, but it is in yours.
He wouldn't be able to work, but Pony Express sends him checks as if he was. He gets enough from them, you could quit your job, but you don't want to be dependent on them. So you keep working.
Getting home from work is your favorite part of the day, having Curly be so happy to see you makes everything so worth it.
Your home life goes back to normal with a few exceptions, but nothing too drastic. Curly being in a wheelchair and still not being able to speak, but it's nothing you can't handle. You love him, you're willing to make sacrifices. He'd do the same for you, and you know that.
Bonus content; if you guys were married before the crash, once he got his prosthetic hands, he'd have you help him make a little beaded necklace for his ring to go on; that way he could still wear it :) he'd never take the necklace off once it's done
A/N; I've been pretty busy recently so sorry for the delay on requests; I have a lot of ideas for them though so hopefully they'll be out soon
#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#mouthwashing curly#mouthwashing x reader#captain curly x reader#curly x reader#captain curly#i love him so much you guys dont understand id sell my nephew for him#AND my nieces
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hii your bio says that requests are open, so, if you don't mind, can i request a simon x reader where reader is also part of the 141 and got severely hurt, and turns out she's pregnant with simon's baby (they are together) but because of her injuries she lost the child? maybe they didn't know that she's pregnant. thank you love💞
hi!! i LOVE this prompt, so sorry it took so long lol
bring heaven down just for you | simon riley x wife!reader
cw: mentions of injury, blood, miscarriages
The car accident was extreme, even for the 141. They weren’t expecting to get T-boned in a city street, trying to make their escape, but it was short lived. You didn’t remember much, being in the backseat with your seatbelt off, on “follower” duty - pistol in hand, watching if anyone was tailing the escape. Price in the driver’s seat, Gaz in passenger, and Soap and Ghost were already at the safe house.
You remembered the car rolling, throwing you around like a ragdoll. Your head slammed against the roof of the car and then darkness took over, at least until you remembered hearing Price’s yelling. The way the straps on your vest were tugged and the blood curdling scream that left you, the explosion of pain in your leg, your shoulder, your abdomen - it woke you up instantly, and adrenaline seemed to kick in ten fold. Barely a glance down and you could see why pulling you wouldn’t be a good idea - so many glass shards in your body, deep red blood bubbled up and trickled out, you felt your body internally gag. You looked to the sound of gunshots, seeing Gaz firing off round after round, and soon silence followed. A slow blink, you found yourself crying out in pain in the street, Price knelt beside you, administering aid as you heard faint sirens. Soon, your eyes closed then opened again, finding yourself being loaded into an ambulance - Gaz and Price covered in blood. Panic surged through you, but so did the pain. A low rumble of pain escaped your chest, Gaz reached forwards and took your right hand - where did you gun go? - and held it gently, saying something you couldn’t quite hear.
A hand settled on your good shoulder, the one opposite to Gaz, you looked to your captain, now able to hear the siren wailing as he spoke, “Who do we need to call for you?”
A breath filled your lungs, only for you to cough and squeal out in pain. A moment more and you were able to grit out, “My husband.”
“What’s his name-“
The ambulance screeched to a halt, the back doors flung open, and your gurney was taken out. The IV in your elbow that was placed while you had passed out now seemed to prickle with pain, one nurse who walked beside your moving gurney drew a vile of blood before taking off, the rest of the medical crew pushed you into what you assumed was a trauma bay. You wouldn’t know, you’re not a medic. You’re just a sergeant, an infiltration specialist.
A doctor came in, placing a plastic bracelet on your wrist as you looked around with a heavy head. Price was with you, Gaz wasn’t… Where’s Soap and Ghost? Will they be here soon?
It felt like only two second passed when the nurse came back to your gurney, she was the one who took your blood. The other nurses still fluttered about, getting you ready for surgery as your captain stayed by your side. She had a somber look in her eye. There was a gentle hand on your shoulder, the good one, you paid no mind to Price - moving it to get his touch off of you. You didn’t want him there, you wanted-
“I have your test results, Miss.” You heard Price take a step back, the pain in your body began to feel fuzzy as the sedatives kicked in from your IV. The nurse stood beside you, holding onto the bed rail and you felt unease bubble into your lungs. In your adrenaline delirious state, you could still make out the look of the nurse’s face - the bearer of bad news. “Are you aware that you are pregnant?”
“I’m not pregnant.” It escaped like a whine, grabbing the nurse’s wrist with what little strength you had, your stomach twitched. “My husband and I have been- been trying for years. I- I can’t be.”
“You are, test confirms it. But we have to take you into surgery now, and I’m unsure if it will be viable after this.”
A growl emitted from your throat, “Save it. Save it. Save my baby. Please.”
There was a grim look on her face, and the doctor beside her. She stepped in, a calm look in her own eye as she spoke, “We’ll do the best we can, but I can’t guarantee anything.”
A hiccup escaped you, pain leaving you and your consciousness slipping away too, “Please. Save my baby.”
The doctor only nodded before she left, and the nurse gave you a somber look before leaving too. You couldn’t even look at your captain, the man you would have always looked to your guidance. But this… This was something you had to navigate alone and with your husband.
You were only awake for a few more moments, the anesthesiologist saying something about needing Price to leave, that you would be out soon. Your eyes grew heavy, you refused to fight it. Giving in meant not having to worry about losing the chance you’ve wanted.
When you woke up, pain encompassed you. A groan escaped you, your eyes opened and scanned the left side of the room, the light above your bed not being able to flood your room with light. It was dark outside, the stars still perched in the sky, your eyes moved right and you could see the dark mass of someone just entering through the door.
“Simon,” You whined his name, tears escaping your eyes in fat globs, your one good hand reaching for him. He was instantly by your side, hand gently moving from strands from your face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Whatever for?” He murmured as he pressed his lips to your temple. “You survived. Why would you be-“
Your jaw set, the words spoken like kerosene, meant to burn yourself alive. “I was pregnant.” The raw sob that escaped you made you push your head back, looking your husband in the eye as you sobbed from your injuries and the loss of what could’ve been. “I didn’t- I didn’t know and- and it’s gone.”
Your husband froze, you watched every muscle inside of him contract as he gazed at you. You watched, in such agony, as you husband’s forehead fell to your bandaged one, his warm hands holding your face and his own tears sprung from his face to mix with yours. And all you could hear was what sounded like howling - loud and heavy sobs, ones that would make your body tremble. It was just hard to realize that they were coming from you, you only realized it when Simon’s hand went around to your lower back, trying to move you towards him, trying to hold you in a way that could truly comfort you. It was useless. Useless.
“It’s gonna be okay.” A meaningless saying now. It hasn’t meant a fucking thing since your third miscarriage in your second year of marriage. It hasn’t meant anything since you had to stop counting your losses and began to pretend that your husband wasn’t fucking destroyed that you couldn’t give him the one thing you want to. A family.
How could it be okay when you couldn’t do this one fucking thing that your body was made to do?
“We’ll be okay.” He murmured against your skin, your good hand holding onto his jacket sleeve, your head pounded as the sobs grew louder, turning into wails. As much as it hurt your throat, it hurt more now that after three years since your last one, you had a chance. And it was ripped from you, ripped from your hands before you even had a chance to understand why it had been given to you. A chance to show your husband that you could be good too, that you weren’t like your past either.
“It- It hurt- hurts-“ Was all you could manage, and you felt Simon’s sob shake you, burn you, crucify you. God, this must be Hell for him, because it’s more than Hell for you to think about the pain he’s in.
“I know, my girl, I know it must hurt.”
A zap of pain in your belly and you were crying more, the wails quieting to you begging him for medicine. Tears watered your vision of your Simon as he pressed the call button, brushing your hair back before looking you in the eye again. Even if you couldn’t see too well from the tears and the pain, you could imagine his velvet brown eyes - you could feel his tears as he brushed your hair back over and over, his words rumbled through you like a prayer.
“Our time’ll come soon, baby. And I’m so sorry that it wasn’t now, n’I know that’s gotta hurt so bad.” A kiss and then his cheek was pressed to your hair, you could hear the nurse come in, and more voices enter your room. There was no reason to fight your urge to close your eyes, let the tears fall, and listen to him. “But I’ll be here. I’ll always be here, jus’ like every time before, and any time after. I’ll be here, even if I have to kill a thousand men to get here. I will be here.”
#lethalchiralium#lethal chiralium#simon ghost riley#simon riley#call of duty#might make more of this idk#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x reader#simon riley x female reader#simon riley x f!reader#simon riley x wife!reader#simon ghost riley x f!reader#simon ghost riley x female reader#simon ghost riley x wife!reader
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Astro Observations 4
Accuracy influenced by entire natal chart.
Venus Chiron Aspect
- Expressing love is not easy.
- Overly concerned with your social standing. Deeply hurt when not considered popular or attractive.
- Experiences that lead you to believe you are not attractive. Feeling rejected. Feeling undesirable.
- Encountering painful experiences in romantic relationships. Unable to forget past partners. Feeling haunted.
- If in a positively placed, you may find healing in a romantic relationship. Or this can be a fantasy you have of being saved.
- May consider and possibly get cosmetic surgeries. More likely if in aspect to Mars, 1st or 6th H.
- Problems with spending/money/possessions. This can manifest in many ways. Ex: Hoarding, overspending, debt, valuing yourself based on how much you have/make, etc.
- Sign and house placement may indicate exactly what you are insecure about. Ex: Venus scorpio/Venus 8th H aspect chiron may = insecure about appearance of genitals. Venus 2nd H aspect chiron may = insecure about a facial feature.
Accuracy influenced by entire natal chart.
Mars Aspect Chiron
- Difficulty expressing mars traits effectively. Based on entire chart this can manifest in many ways. Ex: Repressing anger until violent outburst. Being passive aggressive. Inability to be direct. Appearing aggressive when trying to be assertive.
- To heal their chiron wound, it’s encouraged to find a release for your anger.
- Often, develop physical hobbies later in life to release anger. May be able to help other’s learn how to deal with their anger - anger management counsellor, self defence/martial arts teacher, etc.
- Having bad experiences with masculinity. Ex: Encountering weak men. Encountering violent men.
Accuracy influenced by entire natal chart.
Moon Aspect Chiron
- Mother is or has been emotionally or physically hurt. Mother may not be able to fully nurture & protect you due to this reason.
- Being so sensitive you become detached. Losing touch with your emotions due to emotional trauma.
- Desire to save the women in your life. Inability to help them. As a result, emotionally detaching from people to avoid painful feelings such as hopelessness.
- Being or feeling like a loner. Not relating to those around you. Those around you do not understand you. Based on entire natal chart, this can manifest as people believe you are overly emotional. Or people believe you are void of any emotion.
- Difficulty expressing emotion. Dislike of sharing feelings. May have bad experiences with sharing your true feelings in the past.
- Emotional intelligence. You understand why you have troubles in your emotional life. Yet, you are more likely to be empathetic with others than yourself.
Accuracy influenced by entire natal chart.
Pluto Aspect Moon
- Power struggle between you and the mother. Suffocating mother. A mother who does not respect privacy. A mother who doesn’t care about your boundaries.
- Intense and obsessive emotions. Feeling like you are losing your mind. Moon swings. Heavy feelings of jealously.
- Obsessive thoughts about revenge.
- Emotional abuse - dealing with narcissists, gaslighting, manipulated, cheated, etc. May be the victim or the abuser or both.
- Experience emotional deaths. Later in life, they have experiences that force them to change for a better life. Transforming yourself.
Accuracy influenced by entire natal chart.
Venus Conjunct Mars
In the chart of women, I have noticed partners were all complete strangers who made the first move. Ex: Random customer asking for her # at work. Random classmate coming up to them after uni lecture. DM from a stranger on IG by surprise.
Another thing two of these meetings have in common is there was a brother, cousin or make friend that helped introduce the man to the woman.
For ex: the random customer wasn’t so random, he knew her because she previously worked with his brother. Although, he was still a stranger to her.
For people with this conjunction, their romantic lives works best when they don’t go out of their way to meet partners. Things like signing up for a dating app may lead to dead relationships. They needed someone to match their bold and direct energy. Often, they may find that they do encounter many bold and confident men. This can change if Venus holds the lower Venus and if Mars is in a weak sign.
Mars in First House
They develop or are born with a prominent scar or birthmark on their body. Often, this scar just makes them look more attractive.
Ex: Birthmark on the face, Heart Surgery scar, Acne scars, Cut, C-section scar, etc.
When Venus is involved the scar may be around the chin area or lower face. Ex: a mole or little line under the lips.
This is a very stereotypical observation but it is true every time I meet someone with this placement!
Jupiter in 10th House
For two of my family members with this in their Vedic natal chart, they ended up in careers where they work from home. Jupiter is not the ruler of their 4th H.
They found these jobs after the age of 30. Early life they worked various jobs where one had to be physically present.
Saturn in 3rd House
This can create a karmic connection with siblings. You may feel restricted when communicating with them. You may feel there is a coldness to your connection with them. You may become emotionally or physically distant.
You may even see this strained connection in their natal charts. For ex: My cousin doesn’t get along with my other cousins (her sister & brother). She has Saturn in 3rd, her brother has Saturn in 3rd too. Their sister has lilith in 3rd.
Lilith in 3rd House
This suggests one feels excluded from connections with siblings. And feeling like an outcast in early life/ early education. The way they communicate may be very unique. They aren’t fully accepted or understood by their peers.
For example: You feel excluded from the bond your siblings have or you feel you were often excluded from your childhood friend group.
Accuracy for your chart will be influenced by entire chart.
#astrology observations#astrology#venus section chiron#mars section chiron#pluto square moon#pluto conjunct moon#venus square chiron#chiron conjunct mars#moon trine chiron#moon square chiron#venus trine chiron#chiron conjunct moon#venus conjunct chiron#pluto opposite moon#venus conjunct mars#vedic astro observations#vedic astrology#jupiter in 10th house#saturn in 3rd house#lilith in 3rd house
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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
TW: Chronically ill Steve
In a world where Hanahaki is a rare autoimmune disease that is triggered by long periods of emotional distress. There is no cure, it lasts a lifetime and makes the person very susceptible to infections and can cause cardiopulmonary problems, organ lacerations, pulmonary fibrosis, liver fibrosis, esophageal varices, thrombosis, etc. In short, a disease with several complications.
Although these complications can be treated, Hanahaki itself only has palliative care and symptom control.
Steve's mother developed it when he was just 5 years old. Even though he was very young, he remembers seeing his mother coughing up blood, he remembers seeing an x-ray that showed something that looked very much like twisted roots in her chest. He remembers how she spent days in the hospital and how his father became much kinder after that. They took a trip to the coast at the time and his mother got better.
So she got worse and better and worse. She never seemed to get well enough, but they found a good treatment that made the roots dissolve and vomit them out. There was only one time when she got bad enough that the doctors had to open her chest and remove the roots.
His father was out of the country when it happened, and he didn't even have time to get back before Mrs. Harrington gave up on staying in Hawkins and decided to travel with her husband.
Steve stayed. At age 9, he wasn't sure who had triggered this disease in his mother: him or his father. But he knew he had to be a good boy, because once the disease was active, anything could make it worse.
So he never complained. Not when he started getting tired, not when his chest started hurting, not when he got a lump in his throat, not when he started having trouble breathing.
His parents only found out when he ended up in the hospital. So he started the same treatment as his mother, who stayed by his side for almost half a year before traveling again. His father stayed home more, too, and when he was away, he would call three days a week, but eventually he stopped caring, as he always did.
Growing up with Hanahaki was tough, but Steve managed. He took his medications religiously, keeping the disease at bay. When it took hold, Steve would take a cocktail of medications that made him weak and nauseous, but helped control the Hanahaki. When things got really bad, he would spend a night or two in the hospital, having whatever was compressing his chest sucked out.
He'd needed surgery to remove the worst of the tangle a few weeks after he'd found out about the Upside Down. Because he'd lost Tommy and Carol, because he was lonely, because things between him and Nancy were weird, because Jonathan might be better for her than Steve. Because his parents hadn't shown up, even though they knew he'd been in a fight and needed medical attention.
(He shouldn't have been surprised. His parents knew he was always in the hospital, of course they wouldn't notice this incident amidst a pile of medical bills. Steve realized they probably didn't even check what they were paying for. Like they only cared enough to keep him alive, nothing more.)
It was an easy surgery. His organs weren't collapsing, there wasn't much scar tissue, the medication had dissolved some of the roots… It was just the deepest parts that were still there. Steve could have lived with them, but he preferred to be safe than to risk letting them dig deeper into his chest.
They were only in the hospital for four days and Nancy showed up for two of them, even though Steve hadn't even told her the truth. He didn't even bother to make up some silly accident and a lacerated lung after he had already had surgery. Probably if she hadn't been so wrapped up in finding out what happened to Barbara and dealing with her own traumas, she would have realized the truth.
He didn't want her to know, but he was sad when she didn't ask him.
When Nancy told him their relationship was bullshit, he went home and inhaled so much scar-dissolving medicine (which Steve swore he could feel forming on his chest) that he passed out. He didn't regret it, because he woke up the next morning fine, if a little groggy, and convinced that maybe she didn't mean it.
After fighting the demodogs, he felt light, because he barely knew those kids, but he felt more liked than he had in a long time. So, okay, he thought he might die when Nancy left with Jonathan, but he was medicated and the kids… He had to protect them. Maybe his body knew that, maybe one feeling overrode the other, maybe that toxic air from the tunnels had killed the roots better than any treatment could have done. It didn't matter why, it just mattered that he hadn't needed surgery this time.
Lots of medication, frequent trips to the hospital, some aspirations, sure, but he was fine.
“If it weren’t for Hanahaki, you could get a sports scholarship,” the coach had said. That revelation played over and over in Steve’s mind for weeks, like the promise of a future he would never have. So instead of college, he went to Scoops Ahoy.
The first person to learn about the disease was Robin, weeks after the mall fire, when he ended up in the hospital again and needed another surgery. It was torture, he said, that was impossible to forget. And his parents still hadn’t come back. Billy and Hopper’s deaths… There was so much going on and he was so overwhelmed, but it wouldn’t happen again, so she didn’t need to worry. It was an exceptional situation.
After that, Robin was everything he never realized he needed. It was a little suffocating, but it felt so good to feel suffocated by love for the first time in his life.
He would never be completely well, but with Robin and the kids… It was easier. He was happy.
Eddie Munson, who had never interacted with him, caused some attacks when he became such a big part of Dustin, Lucas, and Mike's lives. Especially Dustin, who seemed different at times. Steve resented Eddie.
That all changed when they actually met, after all the Vecna scare.
For a moment during those days, Steve thought he might end up getting involved with Nancy again, and he hated himself for it. Because it always felt like there was something unfinished between them, but he didn't want to get back together, because they were never good together and she just seemed confused. In '83, she had leaned on Jonathan and ended up with Steve for a miserable year, in '84 they only broke up after she and Jonathan were already together. In '85, she had been through the worst with Jonathan again, so it was okay, but in '86, with Steve being the only one around, she seemed torn between them again. Like Steve only mattered because the gates were open and Jonathan wasn't around.
They couldn’t be together again, so he got the closure he wanted, telling her about how he had dreamed of a future with her, but that wasn’t what he needed anymore.
It was like healing a little bit.
In addition to Nancy, he also thought a lot about Eddie Munson, who was great with the kids, funny, a little goofy, and much more human than he seemed when he walked around the cafeteria tables. Who walked beside him through literal hell, showered him with compliments, eased worries Steve hadn’t even told him he had, who encouraged him to pursue love.
Who could blame him for falling in love?
#I'll post part two later#I don't think this is even a fic#it's just a description of my daydreams#steddie#steve harrington centric#hanahaki
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