#i try not to let the guilt-trippy stuff get to me but the subconscious can only hear something so many times before it believes it

[celepeace]

it's really hard to come to terms with but i think i just have to accept that i can't do the good work right now. and the people who are, are doing it for people like me

[kendrixtermina]

I had another dream with my father in it

I haven’t had one in MONTHS WTF I thought I was over it

So thing I is I used to get these dreams where my father humiliates me, be it by yelling or by telling lies to my family members. Like I always had these various dreams where he would just turn everybody against me.

There were a few times in my teens where I got home & everyone acted angry with me for no reason & then turns out he’d accused me of some exxagerated or made-up offense, everything I did or said would be twisted into a personal insult he was donald trump levels of a petty toddler I tell ya. I’d be sad & angry because of his constant insults (and just don’t have a socially perceptive personality like, fuck you this is my normal face!) & then he’d be deathly insulted that I didn’t smile at or greet him & throw a big tantrum that affected the whole family.

He was the sort who would explode at us children to get back at my mom, & would be cruel to my mom & siblings when he was angry at me.��

ARGH I was supposed to see my councellor yesterday but he had to bail (presumably got sick or something) & now I really wish I could talk to him

The sad thing is it wasn’t even most of the dream and the rest of it was actually pretty cool. 

 I was driving home in a videogameih formular one car that also flew & there were also some flying boats and it was surprisingly fun like I’d hit a pedal and fly. I don’t remember the event I was driving home from but it was evidently cool as I remember texting my family about how cool it was  but it was not the usual whatsApp it had a purple background & a different system of colorful nametags with ‘@’s.. pretty much functionally whats App though.Possibly a concert I just knew I traveled far.

On the way, I stopped near a church/castle being and looked down a cliff, and there was this mountain with church like carvings & I wasn’t sure which side is up but you could see this wall or ground full of buildings & carvings all in gothic style like some really cool trippy stuff /“Giant Building” thing like my bes dreams sometimes have and I basically looked at it & was impressed.

On the way home, I considered contining to watch this show I’d been watching with my BF or doing so the next day (I actually may do that tomorrow, great idea dream self) and there were some themed mythical-ish visuals related & then I reached our bed (somehow a mix of our current bed and my old one at my mom’s attic) So far the dream was emotionally neutral or even fun/cool. 

Then, I hear the door open, assuming it’s my BF buz it’s actually my parents, with my mom feebly trying to get him not to rage & he’s his usually angry redfaced gorilla self. He just barges in as if it’s my teenage room jut the same casual disregard four boundaries or privacy as ever just flauntingly invading my space with a loud slam of the door, & when I ask what he’s doing here he shoves a phone into my face and going “How dare you text everybody except me!”, like one of his usual petty things where he’d contruct lack of overt enthusiasm into me “insulting/snubbing” him & throw a toddler tantrum over it / told exaggerated lies to my folks, & he was just yelling & raging & insulting & shaming me like he usually does... and that was enough of a shock to wake me up like I realize it doesn’t sound like much but in the dream it was somewhat chilling. 

Like when you look at it with a sober waking mind its really silly,  man coming into my & my boyfriends’s flat to complain at me, it’s not objectively scary, but it threw me or a loop like, when some setback happens I guess I sometimes get this thought where I wonder if I’ve really improved at all or if I wouln’t have been better off staying in my mother’s attick where I can’t screw anything up.... I mean even now I can tell how I don’t even think like that anymore in day to day life. 

Maybe it’s for a harmless reason, like Church/Old Castles reminding me of Hospitals (He’s a surgeon) & then I got the thought that someone was gonna see him & tell me where I was. Maybe my consciousness just stumbled into an old unrenovated brain loop & now I feel like I might fall back into doubting everything again

Or maybe because my bae and I were discussing a shitty manipulative friend of his that gor herself in trouble & we were discussing how to damage control without being caught up in the falout & her behaviors were like ugh... & she said some things that were brazenly arrogant maybe that reminded me of my father. He’s very aware that shes got a bad character but being a good & conscientious person he wants to help her, but I kinda feel she’s not really interested in changing & just taking advantage of his sense of responsibility...

UGH. I need to do my meditation, that’s what I need. I took this nap because I tried earlier & was too tired & now this happened. Like it’s not like im seriously upset but its just enough of a little spiky pebble in my mood. Why is that bastard still lurking in my subconscious or whatever I want him out of there. It’s like he’s lurking there like some bizarre anti-policeman,  “no hapiness allowed, don’t you dare be happy or else if there’s any unauthorized happiness in your life I will hurt you & take away everything you like”. Like he literally said many times that I was ruining his lie & not allowed to have anything I like. Like, it hurts. Its hurts damnit, and I haven’t even spoken to the bastard in years... 

I don’t know what this is trying to tell me. I have indeed never texted him or otherwise communicated with him & its been great like, without him to triangulate everything I get much more enjoyment out of my mom & siblings like we actually get along better since I moved out. Dear subconscious f you have any guilt about that you better stop because it doesn’t remotely logic. I deserve good things as much as the next person thank you very much! UGH stay out of my naps bastard. 

UGH now that the shit is vented lets consult some relaxing youtube music to purge it, how about 20 minutes of  “ultimate chillout”?