#because i have been. VERY sick today
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today aaravi gets to be a little jealous. its good for an aaravi characterization, i think, for her to be a little jealous.
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#i'm smiling because i eat skin: the fic#i worked a little bit on caecilian last minute for the day#because i have been. VERY sick today#like ''could not stay awake until like 4 hours ago ish''#i feel way too cold all the time and my nose will not stop running#so. yeah! sucks!#sucks that i didnt get to do anything!#and im out of hot glue sticks too so this SUCKS#didnt even get to work on miri head
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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I think it just hit me that I’m actually getting better
#like it feels silly to happen now bc I’ve been on my new meds for months but I was getting worse for so long#and like my physical health is still very two steps forward one and a half back but#this week I’ve been doing things my brain wouldn’t have let me do at all a few months ago because the risk of being sick and making a mess#was too high according to my risk assessment#and I just casually did them multiple times this week without realizing it until after#I walked around in just my underwear. I left the bathroom to grab a towel and dry off#I got changed in my room#I haven’t trusted my body enough to do those since like at latest February 2023#probably a lot earlier#I ate beans yesterday#I didn’t get scared about not being sick today#normally I get very scared if I’m not because it’s interrupting the routine and what if it means I’m sick at a less manageable time#I just. like I think I’m actually getting better
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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#feeling actually. hmm. sick to the stomach at the conversation happening in the discord#just because i haven’t posted my fic there isn’t concrete proof out there that i came up with the story independently#i’m still working on it because i’m slow#and i can’t find anyone willing to beta because 100k words is a whopping undertaking and it’s not even complete#am i going to be acccused of stealing other people’s plots or plagiarising ideas when i finally post#i came up with sending joshua back to childhood before phoenix gate#i came up with dion time loop#but everyone’s spitballing ideas and now i look like a fraud#i came up with it myself!!!#i haven’t spent a whole year painfully chaining word after word after word#completely without support or encouragement or friendship#to find myself in a place where people will say i copied them??? just because i haven’t posted??#or the worst—that my little project is ai-generated based on their prompts?#i didn’t take anyone’s prompt from today to magically start on a project that’s already thousands of words long#a hundred words a day is considered a good day for me that’s how hard and lonely it has been for a whole year#and because no one agreed to beta i don’t even have independent witnesses for the progression of my work#if i am accused of theft or ai it will kill me#it might actually destroy me#aalsjddkhsksjdhfdksk i knew i should have left the discord a long time ago#but if i leave now it’ll look like i stole someone’s ideas and cut and run ffffffff#and i can’t leave the heart of pf community literally everywhere else is indiscriminately t/d#even in waloed ships that i like people randomly bring up that ship for no fucking reason#and the other servers are all so inept and lax at keeping firm control of content that should be limited to the focal ship#it’s not that i think i am the *first* to have any ideas since these are all tropes and well known aus like groundhog#but these specific ideas for this specific ship in this specific pattern was something i thought of independently at least#and now everyone’s brainstormed my whole plot out in a chat and i can’t very well jump in like some absolute asshole#like ‘hey you’re describing my fic actually’#i can’t very well respond to nearly every comment with ‘oh that’s in my story’ ‘this too’ ‘that too’#that would be insufferable even if true#so i can only keep my mouth shut and they’re going to think i ripped off their thoughts and my fic is stillborn
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Hey guys, if you could pray for me and my parents I'd be really grateful. The last cat in our old brigade, Tansy, is almost 15 and at the end of her days. She tends to get sick from allergies during the spring and she's had a rough winter and she's just, she's not going to make it through this time and she's been SUCH a good cat her whole life that we're not gonna let her suffer through it to the end. We're hoping we can get an appointment to get her put down tomorrow (that sounds awful saying it, but she's miserable and I can't watch her suffer she doesn't deserve that), so we would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
#cats#tansy#tw pet death#cw pet death#the only good(?) thing about this is that it's not sudden like baby tulip#I have known this was coming and been preparing for it mentally for months now#she took a turn for the worse today tho despite all our efforts to help her keep going#I *think* she might have a tumor in her cheek that suddenly got very malignant#she has a lot of the symptoms#and I think that + the allergy sickness she usually gets is just too much for her#but she has lived a GOOD life#and she KNOWS we love her#she is INCREDIBLY intelligent#she's sid's adoptive mama#like she straight up adopted a stray half-grown half-starved kitten#and TRAINED IT#to be her friend a hunter and a guardian of our home#she literally taught sid everything he knows#I'll post a little memorial for her when she does pass with pictures#because she has such unique and beautiful coloring#she's a torti#and SO sweet#she is literally one of the best cats we have EVER had#I'll miss her terribly <3
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it sucks that so much of my family has also dealt with cancer but it's really lovely that they were able to give me warnings about things
#a friend of mine just had a computer glitch and lost a bunch of work and i said it sucked and i'm sorry and asked if he could email his prof#and he's i think just really upset about it as i would be too bc that does suck so bad#but i don't have the energy to commiserate. i feel like a steaming pile of shit right now. i only got home 30 minutes ago from the hospital#and i have to go back tomorrow and then spend the rest of the day probably feeling like this while also having to go to another appointment#bc i need to get my earrings changed out so i can take them out for my body scan#and then going home with earl and setting up. and finally getting a bday gift to my friend as well and dropping that off#i feel increasingly gross and sick rn and this was just one injection#but my relatives were like 'listen. no one in your life is going to get this unless they've had cancer. and it sucks but that's how it is'#and i'm just very glad i got that heads up because i'm getting a lot of love and support from relatives now#esp the ones who also dealt with cancer#but it's just been radio silence from friends. and i get it i get they have their own lives and might not know what to say#but it does still hurt a little#i do have one friend who has been lovely and accommodating with the diet i have to be on#but my other best friend is just. i think with his school he has his own friends and his own life but. yeah. it just hurts a little#maybe i'm being irrational idk. something to discuss with my therapist today at our appointment#not everything is about me etc etc#this is the same friend who lost his work that i mentioned in the tags#cancer tw
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#so i had acute tracheitis like two weeks ago#then at the follow-up visit the doctor said i was ok#so i went to malta for my vacation without worrying about the occasional cough that eventually stopped#but then at the end of the trip i suddenly had temperature 39°C#i got better and went back to poland#i got home yesterday but suddenly today my voice is gone#and i started coughing again#so i went to see the doctor at our local weekend and holidays public health clinic#and it turns out i have acute tracheitis (again)#AND i also have acute laryngitis (new)#i had a doctor's leave before my vacation and now i have a doctor's leave again krehxksjkx my boss will be upset but oh well#i'm on antibiotics again 🤧#anywayyyyyyyyy why am i sick again the doctor said i was fine the last time 😞😞😞 WELL#anyway i felt totally fine for 8 out of 10 days there so i'd say the trip was still ABSOLUTELY AMAZING#absolutely amazingggg guys i loved it so much#i'm so glad the sickness came back only at the very end when i had already seen and done almost all i planned so it was okay#it was so wonderfullll i need to show my army followers here some pictures later on because oh man are they crazy#okay rant over i'm going to go lie down#maybe watch a bit of bon voyage on malta lmao it's so fun to watch it now that i've been there myself#my post#personal
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........creachure
#cats#his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way...#it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy#his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat)#I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol#the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally#I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh#currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from#sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous#and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that#I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky#because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr#ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your#guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature#be upon ye..#Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely.#but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start#On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed#.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes.#sculptures. edit videos. etc. ).#anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world
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🙄🫠
#yk when i said i'm back to being active on tumblr well yeah 😅#i had to write a seminar paper for uni and it hasn't been going well because i got sick and didn't get much done#well i got an extension luckily but it still was a struggle the topic was just rly difficult to write about#i'm almost done now at least some 300 words i still have to write and then proofread and work on better formulating but yay#i should get it done today but yeah i'll manage so i'll be back when i'm done the latest tmrw#but seminar papers are for real my least favorite part of uni 😅 it's so time consuming and can be a real struggle ugh#i rather write an exam lmao#but anyway i needed to rant ://#my money got stolen 🙃😫#sometimes life just throws some shit at you ugh#like having to write this paper and not having a social life anymore isn't enougj#i don't know how it happened? i mean i don't know for sure but i can't explain it another way#like the money was in my wallet the day before yesterday and yesterday the whole day i didn't use my wallet qnd then it was gone??#maybe while i was at uni football but that's crazy it was not some public place but in a school gym lockerroom??#or maybe someone stole it from my backpack on the street idk?? but i didn't notice#but that was money i got for my birthday from my dad and aunts 😪#and i wanted to buy something nice with it and ig i will anyway but it sucks :((#it was not a little no i had 150€ in my wallet 😭 at least my credit cards are still there ig#but i realize now how stupid that probably was to carry so much money with but i thought it was safe fr#like i have lived in austria all my life and this never happened to me 😫 and it was not like i was walking around with my wallet openly#i mean i will be fine it would be a lot worse if that happened to someone who is just barely getting by but i'm still upset#and my mom told me that apparently it happened to a friend of her as well when she was in my city but like i never heard that before...#from any of my friends ... or maybe it really is that more dangerous with thieves in my uni city but like i wasn't aware#bc i mean in general austria is like a very safe country comparatively and feels like it never was on my mind#maybe it's horrible bad luck but in the future I will be careful to carry any cash with me 🙃
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todaY i am going to start applying for jobs. my goal is to apply to three (3) jobs before i go back to work next week. i can do this
#psyching myself up because i am so eepy#still having this level of fatigue at two weeks post op is apparently pretty common. esp for chronically inflamed folks like me soooo#knowing that helps. but still. brain fog#i have to sit and stare at a wall a bit right now to recover from hanging up my laundry before i can muster the strength to go make bfast#it's been helping to remind myself that i only have to work 3 days next week#because of new years i'm not back full time until the week after. which is two weeks from now#and with people out for the holiday it'll spread out the gushing excitement about me being back. which will hopefully make it bearable#not looking forward to the inevitable mess i'll have to clean up but. new year new metrics#and maybe some of those interviews went well and i'll have help soon#AND maybe i'll have a new job myself soon#and hopefully with a company that at least. sort of knows what it's doing#gods i'm so sick of my job ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ#personal#ok time to go make some food. hopefully that will give me some energy#if i can get one (1) application out today then i will be happy#and for the sake of keeping the bar very low and reachable that 1 DOES count the listing i applied for in summer#and evebtually got a screening interview request for. that i turned down. because it still seemed like the promotion i got in summer#was actually going to go somewhere#so i'm just gonna update my resume and refresh that cover letter then resubmit#it's a start ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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I have far too few hours of sleep but I am having a sliiight mental breakdown over Ferrari winning yesterday. It was so beautiful it still hurts.
#I'm happy for them but at the same time I want to cry#I could have been a normal italian Ferrari tifosa but nooooooooo#one of the shittiest people in my family (and that's saying something trust me) had to be a diehard Ferrari fan#and now I feel like throwing up simoly by associating with Ferrari because I associate it to him#that's fucking great. Really.#Seeing the red army/marea rossa is so beautiful but also gives me very conflicted feelings#wish I could be one of you for today without feeling guilty#Ferrari killed my grandma or something like that and now I feel a little sick when it gives me emotions#Good great fucking stellar#funnily enough my grandman is actually involved with this whole deal
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pro: ran into a coworker at a bar last night who I don’t really talk to usually (he works upstairs, I work downstairs) and we talked and im pretty sure we were highkey flirting and he bought me a drink and the bar merch shirt i was interested in and thanks to the power of alcohol i guess i asked for his number and he gladly gave it to me and. yeah
con: i have the second worst hangover i have ever had and have been fighting for my fucking life just to eat saltines
#it’s getting better but only now that it’s like. 6pm#as weird as it sounds part of why this sucks is that I volunteered to come into work today cause there’s a concert going on nearby which#usually means we’re at least somewhat busy -> make better tips#and I couldn’t go in because well. you know#I’ve been sick and dying in bed all day unable to move or eat or anything#let alone take the bus and go to work#but. as much as I wish I didn’t go this overboard I don’t totally regret last night cause.#yeah. potential thing going on with cute coworker guy. OH and potential job opportunity at my favorite bar in town#apparently said coworker Also has a job at the bar in addition to where we both work and the bar is hiring barbacks at entry-level#so I have someone to vouch for me and the bartender we were talking to seemed to really want me to apply too#one thing that’s kinda funny to me about all this is that the first two places (a bar then a club) we were at felt really mid because they#were packed with way too many straight people (at a gay bar and a gay club)#but the bar we ended up at (where we ALWAYS end up at. it is the oasis. it is the only thing I can rely on) felt. like. not overwhelmingly#straight? at all? I mean part of it’s just luck in a way with just who happened to be there and all that but it’s also that the staff seem#pretty significantly populated with queer ppl#I complained to the bartender about how the club we were at (one of the biggest gay clubs in the city- if not The biggest) just felt kinda#meh because yeah maybe there were some guys dancing in jockstraps and whatever but the crowd itself like. did not feel largely queer#or at least didn’t have the spirit I’d hope for in a queer space if that makes sense. felt very conventional. not enough wild outfits and#makeup and gender fuckery and so on#and the bartender was like dude I KNOW right? I went off outside there once about the invasion of cishets when this space isn’t FOR them#and so on and so forth. and god that was So real.#so the experience at my beloved bar last night was like. 1) guy comes up behind me just to order a drink but i was saving a seat for my#friend who was in the bathroom and mentioned that in case he was looking to take the seat. chatted a little. ended with him pointing out#that a guy nearby was trying to holla at me.#2) I look over and yes. the dj is. in fact. looking directly at me and mouthing the lyrics to whatever song was playing pointed my way.#it was pretty sweet honestly I think it was partly cause I looked like I was shy and alone#3) whatever gay shit was going on with my coworker and i. amusingly he seems to get more flamboyant when he drinks just like i do.#im not 100% sure what his sexuality is but i Am 100% sure it is Not straight. but yeah. if it hadn’t been so close to closing time ive been#hardcore wondering where that would’ve gone. maybe its for the best that i had to go when i did cause i was pretty drunk and who knows when#I could’ve hit the amount of drunk it takes to like outright say hey just so you know i’d suck your dick right now if you wanted
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I have made so much soap and now my brain hurts
#i think it's all the smells...... there's too many smells.#...#I've made like 24 smells today and my kitchen now makes me feel like my head is gonna explode#i might go nap this headache off while this batch solidifies and then maybe get back to it#i wanted to go through and use up the last of my soap base because i was sick of it sitting in my craft supplies doing nothing#but i severely underestimated how much i had. I've made so much fucking soap and there's still more soap base to use#i think there's maybe. maybe enough for 4 or 5 more bars. so maybe after a nap i can finish it off.......#i have been making soap since about 5 am. with a little bit of cult of the lamb while i waited for the batches to cool#i am very tired#ough#soap.... i have so much soap.........
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#apparently I’m not done being mad about this I’m sorry guys I gotta vent#my dad is like an ox and never sick and like not very understanding with health issues/general illness#which you’d think he would have been after having me the super sickly child with a ton of health issues but no#we have a positive Covid case in the house and I have the same fucking symptoms I just started later#I have taken two tests- one yesterday and one today#and he yelled at me saying I’m wasting tests and also that I’m apparently fine which like#even if I somehow don’t catch covid I’m still sick but okay dad 🫠#if it helps put things into a better perspective… did yall know that back in November after I had my 3rd fucking endometriosis surgery#he asked why I was off work for two weeks and why I didn’t go back the day after surgery?#like I had had this surgery twice before and at home recovery was also two weeks both those times#but moreover like sir I have 3 incisions in my abdomen and my job requires me to left 50lbs???#at which point he still insisted I was fine and was just being ‘dramatic’ 🙃#I wanna fucking scream#I’m lissed the fuck off#did yall know he nearly got me killed once because I had neurovirus and he refused to take me to the er?#I eventually lost consciousness from severe dehydration- he thought I was sleeping and continued to argue with my mom that I was fine 🫠#they eventually took me but I was unconscious for several hours and it took five bags of iv fluid for me to regain consciousness#and the doctor estimated I was about two hours away from death so like#yeah#if that gives yall a better idea of the shit I’m putting up with#I have like zero tolerance for dealing with his bullshit when I’m sick#it’s the trauma from not fucking being believed for years of my life about any of my illnesses#and like also the fucking almost dying part#fun times 🫠#I’m sorry I’m ranting so much today I’m just really fucking done and have no other outlet 🙃
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