#like it feels silly to happen now bc I’ve been on my new meds for months but I was getting worse for so long

[vaciena]

I think it just hit me that I’m actually getting better

[sugarlove12]

U GUYS DONT THINK I FORGOT TO COMPLETE MY GIVEN SONGS ANALYSIS SERIES! I’m so sorry I’ve been mostly inactive, even with my tumblr friends (I love u guys im sorry😭) but I’m on my 4th year of med school so the past semester was kinda tough, ngl this one is also looking rough but I promise to be more active, now LET’S GO!!!

DISCLAIMER: this analysis isn’t by any means the definite or “real” meaning, this is just my overthinker ass trying to hurt myself more 🤣 so it’s totally ok and normal if u don’t agree or even if it really wasn’t Atsushi’s intention, once again this is just how I perceive the meaning.

Bokura dake no Shudakai

This song is my personal favorite, I remember that back when the movie’d just released and everything was pretty recent, just hearing the beginning would bring me to absolute tears, and that would be enough to cancel my chores for the day (just like Kizuato and Fuyu no Hanashi when I watched the anime for the first time) till this day it makes a pretty big hole in my heart cuz of the beautiful and sad lyrics.

Let’s start with the first sentence: “We cant go back anymore” -> can someone explain how is it that just one sentence can move me so much, specially cuz we can all agree this could be Uge’s pov, so remembering all the recent events he’s going thru, like breaking up with Aki for good and also accepting that he’s found a new love, learning how to be alone, etc, I can’t help it but feel kinda sad and nostalgic about it.

And that’s something I wanna point out about this song and is WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO CONVEY NOSTALGIA OMG I FELT AS IF I WAS UGE HIMSELF AND IM JUST REMEMBERING MY MEMORIES WITH MY EX.

Moving on to the pre chorus we can see that Uge is saying that even with the “scratches” that he had, he is gonna move on from those sad days he spent crying and his past with Aki.

Now my personal favorite and the part I always get the most emotional: THE CHORUS.

When he says: I’m going, nee mitete yo (look at me) -> idk how to explain how much this gets me HAHAHA but there’s a je ne sais quois, like i feel him saying it kinda in a cutesy playful but lowkey sad way(? Im crazy ok don’t take this too srsly.

“We used to laugh at odd things, got mad at differences, I’ll make the dream I had with u come true”: this sentence to me describes perfectly when u break up with someone and there are times u find yourself reminiscing the past, those fun silly moments, unnecessary fights and u find yourself saying wow did we really fight bc of that? How immature!

Ik I’ve been saying this a lot but this really breaks me: “When I’m sad, extremely difficult times, I remember the time spent together on this memory, in the back of my mind” I’m honestly not even gonna say anything about it cuz u know when u hold someone dear and the memories with them can help u go thru hard times? Well that’s it there’s nothing more to add😹.

In the second verse we can see what u expect to experience post break up (or at least I think so) u wanna see them but everything’s cool and since that person was so important to you, you wanna be happy when u see them and u can even laugh it off or hug it out.

But to be quite honest that’s not the case for the most part ☹️.

Finally we have the bridge where to me is the most realistic part cuz u know how Uge did in fact wanted to break up with Aki cuz he knew it was for the best, but he never committed 100% to that, and now it was finally happening, so all that realization of breaking up and those feelings can be sensed in here cuz he says “I want to disappear, escape, in the screaming despair, I resented the encounter and even the miracle”

Now really the chorus again so it would end up killing me: “I’m looking for something more important than you, for you who is more important than anything” -> now with this it gives the same feeling as in Yorugaakeru’s “daijoubu” sensing that in fact Uge is gonna move on from all the pain.

At the end of the song we can listen just the violin and to me that can be Uge standing alone, saying goodbye to Aki. ❤️

Special bonus:

We can see our baby Uge is doing just fine and honestly I wish him all the happiness in the world cuz as much as Aki hurt in the relationship, he was in the same position as him, so I can’t wait to see him grow more and more as a character ❤️

[thekingsparty]

triggering cat stuff under the cut, so don’t click the thing if you can’t handle, but short story short - me is heartbroken still, me has nightmares and i’m about to try sleeps-ies. goodnight all <3

mom’s slowly shifting towards anger at the vet... instead of utter devastation. part of me wants her to meet the man again in a few weeks when she’s ...further towards anger than now. he would bleed for sure. mom’s not been violent at anybody or anything since high school, but taigi was her child, too. i... know that wouldn’t bring my baby back.. nothing will, ever. but part of me thinks that maybe that would be a wake-up call and that next time he’d take a minute to think about his decisions when giving sick cats meds. like... as a normal human, you go to the vet for help.. you trust them to know what meds can be given at which occasion. if the owner had to decide and research.. we wouldn’t need vets, y’know. it’s just.. i think part of why mom and i struggle so hard is that. it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t his time, it wasn’t supposed to happen. it only happened bc that vet didn’t do his homework and that is the part that hurts. 

what also hurts a lot is that katzi doesn’t cuddle me. she’s always liked mom better and when i touch or hold her she fights and runs off. i feel so lonely. i could always go find taigi and snuggle him for a bit, kiss his head and just enjoy not being alone. i’ve not cried in a few days, but today’s been rough and it just all broke loose on me. i stumbled over a picture i took on the first day of those fckn meds. he was fine. he ate and drank and cuddled and played. then within 3 weeks he was gone. it was so quick we never expected it and then it was too late. mom mentioned yday how she will never forget the last 10 minutes.. the struggle... but also not my reaction. 

i’m not proud of it. i know now that he would’ve needed someone calm and collected as he was probably scared, too, but i full on went into hyperventilating+crying+sobbing+begging+my-heart-is-dying-with-you mode and i think seeing me like this almost scarred her more than watching our baby die? i have nightmares of it every night, so i can only assume she does, too -be it me or taigi. but i also don’t regret being there.. the last thing i wanted was for him to die cold and alone on the bathroom floor. i never would’ve been able to forgive myself for that. 

anyway... it’s been a while since i said anything.. the pain feels like yday, but it also feels like i’ve not held my baby in forever.. so idk honestly. katzi seems so lost lately.. sometimes she’s just staring, or listening like she’s waiting for someone. you always heard taigi bc his claws never quite went short enough not to make sounds when he walked. mom said she hears him every day, i keep seeing him in the corner of my eyes. when i wake... which is every other hour at least, i keep checking under my bed to see if he’s there and then i remember. it’s only been a little over a week, so i know it takes more time. yet i’d give all i have to turn back time.

mom brought up the other day she’s been thinking about seeing whether there’s a cat born on sept. 25th in a few weeks. it would be kinda silly, but... y’know. the fact she went from no more pets ever to i was thinking... is progress in her mental state, too, i think.

in other news tho, the new vet is v nice and currently we can only wait and see. katzi’s getting taigi’s vitamin b cream bc blood test showed her liver wasn’t doing too hot and until in 3-4 weeks we won’t know if that’s bc of the thyroid (vet said it’s likely) or ..just general liver failure, so either way we’re supporting it with vitamin b. taigi only got to use like 1/10th of it. 

aaaaanyway.. i’m sticking to hiatus bc one day is ok like today and the next i can’t even use words well enough to post that i’m online, so yeah.. bear with me. 

[priincesspacificaarchive]

💍 + regular dipcifica *

WEDDING MEME||ACCEPTING

where they get married

where they live in cali idk??? probs on a beach? idk for some reason i haven’t thought of their wedding that often???

when they get married ( ie what time of day, what month and season etc. )

summer. summer’s always they’re time together so summer just makes sense. maybe june, around pioneer’s day? so they have something good to celebrate instead of her family’s fraudulence.

what traditions they include ( do they get married under a chuppah and crush a glass, garter toss, ‘something borrowed, something blue,’ etc. )

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue probs. also if jewish!dipper still applies then those too. and paz has an ampola fan! I LOVE THOSE.

what their wedding cake looks like

it’s like, five-tiers and white buttercream on red velvet cake. it’s got like, baby blue and lavender-tinted seashells and a typical bride/groom topper. 

….who smashes cake into whose face

they do that weird “crossing their forks around each other but still eating off their own fork” thing actually.

who proposed to who first

dipper, the sap. she was halfway through med school too! 

who walks down the aisle and who waits at the altar ( or neither )

paz down the aisle, dipper at the altar. this all changes big time if dipper is jewish okay.

what their wedding dresses / suits / other look like

she’s wearing this white ballgown style with a corset top with a lot of crystal gemstone things. like the whole bodice is covered. there’s also lines of the crystals down the gauzy skirt. she uses lavender accent pieces. he wears a black tux and a lavender bowtie. 9its been a while since i’ve watched say yes to the dress okay the terminology left my brain.)

what their wedding colour scheme is and what sort of decor they have

color scheme is like…lavender and baby blue bc it can be and also color-coding and ALSO aesthetic.

what flowers are in the bouquet ( if applicable. bonus: what do the flowers mean?)

petunias (meaning your presence soothes me), something light blue, probably wrapped in baby’s breath (meaning -) bc a lot of bouquets get wrapped in something like that to keep it together. also ampola flowers bc purto rican tradition.

what their vows are ( eg poetry, traditional, improvised etc. )

they wrote their own. paz’s are along the lines of like “so we used to hate each other and now we’re standing here and it’s just amazing how much time can change things.” and she makes inside jokes and promises to love him until the end of the world. “but then you’re on your own i am not holding mcgucket’s hand again.” dipper’s are rly sappy and sweet and he makes her cry and he says something along the lines of loving her until the end of the world and then “but then ur on ur own okay i don’t care if u get turned to stone” and they’re laughing and everyone from gf knows it’s a joke and they finish with the typical “i dos”

if anyone’s late to the wedding

it’d be so characteristic of mabel to rush in during the speak now part but she’s standing next to dipper so she can’t. otherwise idk???

who’s in the bridal parties / groomsmen / other

dipper has mabel and robbie. paz has wendy and tambry.

what their bridal party / groomsmen / other are wearing

wendy and tambry wear straight-down, almost gauzy lavender dresses with baby blue accents and accessories. mabel wears a same stye dress in baby blue with lavender accents and accessories. robbie wears a black tux and baby blue tie. 

who gives speeches at the reception ( bonus: what do they say? recount a sweet memory or two between them? tell an embarrassing story? )

mabel tells embarrassing but sweet stories, wendy recalls the first time she caught them together. robbie uses the whole thing as a lead up to threatening dipper not to hurt her even tho it’s been at least a decade and maybe half of a second one. the floor opens up and ford recounts some sweet memory of the two of them. stan tries to make jokes the whole time but walks away trying not to cry. soos spends ten minutes trying to compare them to anime characters. it’s like an hour and a half of speeches alone as most of gravity falls recount watching them grow up and fall in love and the whole thing makes them embarrassed and cry at the same time.

who catches the bouquet( s )

mabel! she then winks at wendy and it’s…ridiculous.

what their wedding photos are like ( are they sweet, with the couple holding hands or kissing or ~gazing into each others eyes~? are they silly, with a snapshot of the ‘cake-smash’ moment? or are they artistic, with one of them facing the sunset or holding their bouquets? )

mostly sweet ones of them smiling or kissing. there’s one taken by chance with paz chasing after him in her heels and he’s like, fucking giggling as he takes off with her tiara. the next one is her glaring up at him as he sheepishly puts it back in her hair. just a lot of photos to document their relationship. mabel puts them in an album and has it waiting on their kitchen table when they get back from their honeymoon.

what sort of food they have at the reception

since paz is (possibly) the only one w heritage at this wedding he let her do the food planning according to tradition and everyone is like, pleasantly surprised that it works as well as it does.

who cries first during the ceremony

they both make it through the walk down the aisle but then they’re standing there and it’s real and they’re both crying. pretty crying though so they don’t ruin the photos too much.

how wild their reception gets ( who dances the best, who gets drunk first, etc. )

the main three steal the mini putt golf cart again for fun and drive it through the reception for like, half an hour laughing their heads off.

what their rings are like

pacifica’s wedding ring is a simple silver band, while her engagement ring is silver with a big white diamond center, surrounded by lavender-colored gems. dipper has a thick-silver band with an inscription. pacifica’s engagement ring also has an inscription. they both say “you’re the worst.” with a heart shape next to it.

what sort of favours they have ( heart shaped sparklers, mini champagne bottles, personalised candy etc. )

pacifica’s are lavender tiara-shaped candles and dipper’s are mini journals to write in about what happens that night of memories that person has of them. also capias bc i LOVE that idea!

where they go for their honeymoon

i feel like they’d go on a cruise

something memorable that happens during the party / ceremony ( do they run out of ice and someone goes to get it in full formal wear on foot, does anyone fall asleep in the middle of the party, etc. )

tambry and robbie are found sleeping in a coat closet as the night is winding down. wendy and mabel draw on their faces.

who officiates the ceremony

i think it’d be ford for some reason. if jewish!dipper is a thing he gets to hire the rabbi.

what song their first dance is to

i want at least one of these to be in spanish but idk if that’s gonna happen bc i….don’t speak spanish. but i thought this song had a gorgeous enough vibe for it. plus y’all know paz would be scouring websites and things for songs for this dance and then asking dipper if he’d like them. i’ve just always seen first dance songs as soft and slow and a time to reflect on being married you know? so this one would be performed live and slowed-down a bit.

who gives who away as they walk down the aisle

honestly paz gives herself away okay. she’s been w/o parents this long and she doesn’t need them now. but suddenly stan has stood up and takes her by the hand and just calmly passes her to dipper like it was all planned and for half a second she’s rly confused but then she’s swept up in the ceremony. she asks him at the reception and he just shrugs and goes “you’re family. it’s what we do for family.” and that’s it so she’s even more confused. but also rly touched.

[butwhatistrue]

Cut for length and negativity. SORRY MOBILE USERS

I’ve been kind of feeling like I should start dating again (disclaimer: seb and I are in an open relationship). It’s weird. On some level I really don’t want to bother with having more people in my life. In another sense I kind of crave some form of validation and human interaction. Maybe saying dating is too strong a word. It’s just that I don’t feel like I want new friends, either, and dating is sort of a more loose thing. I don’t know. Maybe I should take up some old friendships. I do want to see some of my friends from Viborg, whom I never see. But it just seems like such a hassle, and like at the end of the day, I’m better off alone.

Hm.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my ex and how I kind of miss him. In a weird way I may even miss him in a “romantic” sense, but not in a sensual or sexual sense, so he wouldn’t consider it that way.. Lol I dunno. What even is romance???? 

My best friend and I have an arrangement that we can’t chat, only if it’s about possibly meeting up. It means I’m kind of low on interaction, I guess.

I’m not very high maintenance either, but it just so happens that the people in my life don’t have the spoons these days, and that’s not their fault. 

Bringing someone new into my life probably won’t make much of a difference. But even still I kind of consider it. But it would be silly bc most people are higher maintenance than I care to provide. Or that is to say.. I don’t really get anything out of shallow relationships. And most people require a certain amount of interaction to maintain a deep relationship. The good thing about Seb is that they can manage a deep relationship without requiring interaction all the time. I really really appreciate that about them and our relationship. So I feel kind of like a traitor to our arrangement when I have this urge for More Interaction.

Mostly it’s the fact that I’m … bored. My life is kind of a snooze. I am kind of a snooze. I only really liven up and feel things when I’m with other people. But not just any people. I don’t know…

For a while watching Star Trek kind of put me in the zone of feeling things, but that is waning. Now I need to be mirroring someone to get excited about it. 

Existence seems so remarkably grey. Everything is low-key overwhelming, but not to the point of breakdown, bc there’s a lid on my emotions, and it’s not that bad. Makes me wish for something exciting. Considering discontinuing my meds again in the hope that I’ll develop some really interesting withdrawal symptoms or something. but i probably wont do that. 

I used to be the opposite of suicidal but I’m starting to kind of get it. not to worry anyone, i am in no way suicidal, but i really understand this emotion that life is really really long and really really bland and just a series of hardships and minor inconveniences and nothing positive to look forward to.

wow. debbie downer, hello. sorry.

Like. I don’t know. I guess I’m looking for a way out. I wish my brother was here in Denmark, then I’d watch silly cartoons with him, or maybe we’d continue watching farscape. It’s different to watch things with other people. When it’s just me it seems kind of pointless. Like I won’t be feeling anything anyhow. Or have any opinions. But when I can feel some else’s excitement it’s different.

I don’t know. I really don’t know. I really relate to those fucking “wake me up inside” lyrics (well i dont know the whole song so can’t speak to that). that’s how edgy I am. 

But I don’t want to be edgy. that’s not me. I was always rooting for life when everyone around me had their emo phase or worse. not in an annoying way i think. wait. who am i kidding. I’m always annoying. lmao right now. rn im being super annoying. on mobile this is not gonna go under a read more and everyone will have to scroll forever. im so sorry mobile users. 

but just. hm. i dont know…. what im trying to say. i need constant validation bc my selfesteem is a bottomless pit and that’s probably nothing new but i always used to have clingy people in my life. now they’re pulling back. and the gaping wound left behind aint all that pretty. like . i dunno. who knows? not me

I wish 

for things to be… different

i want to be a better person. and i am a better person when i am with other people. but they have to be the right people! i feel so drained with most people?? honestly what even.. 

also i dont think im prepared to come out to my family as polyamorous so what even would be the point of dating again lol

[alphacrone]

i found this post in my drafts and have ZERO memory of writing it (thank u alcohol) so im gonna put it in my queue lol

ok but imagine 

Bitty comes out to his parents but he doesn't tell them about Jack, thinks it's for the best, maybe to ease his parents into things or maybe to keep the pool of People Who Know as small as possible 

and like yeah Ransom and Holster are super oblivious but Suzanne Bittle is not, not when it comes to her son, because she is a certified Nosy Southern Mother and she can see he's been acting differently, happier but quieter, always on his phone and blushing when she asks about boys

and he talks about the team a LOT 

Jack's one of his best friends and he's just started his NHL career, so of course Bitty’s never gonna shut up about Jack

(Same goes for Shitty and law school. And eventually Ransom and med school. Dicky is proud of his friends and wants everyone to know. He gets that trait from Suzanne, she understands)

but he keeps talking about this one Boy, how sweet he is and how his smile is like a sack of puppies and how bitty's always making this boy do things with him like baking and getting froyo and going shopping and Suzanne is like. Yes. This must be Dicky's secret boyfriend. 

 the next family weekend or whatever, Suzanne demands to meet this Chowder boy who's stolen Bitty's heart

Bitty is both confused and mortified

“No, Mother,” he says. “Chowder is my friend, I mean look at him, that sweet precious baby fawn of a goalie-”

Suzanne is Not Convinced

“Mhmm,” she replies. “Sure, baby. Sure.” 

but bitty can’t disobey his mother, so he drags the Frogs into the kitchen and introduces them all at once

so dex is like “um ok nice to meet you ma’am” and nursey’s all “sup mrs. b” and then Chowder - sweet Chowder - goes over and hugs her and starts rambling on a mile a minute about how much the team loves bitty and gosh it’s so nice to meet you, mrs. bitty’s mom, thank you for the care packages and oh do you watch hockey what team do you root for my team’s the sharks they’re ‘swawesome hey are you coming to our game tonight i think the coaches are gonna start bitty which is So Great because bitty is So Great of course the entire team is So Great but you know we all just love bitty So Much-!

Suzanne is Very Much Convinced

bitty’s gone bright red and none of the Frogs can figure out why

so i think by this point Ransom & Holster have a running joke about Bitty’s Secret Boyfriend bc, even tho they know, they’re Major Shitheads

(”Who’re you texting, Bits?” “Oh, uh, Jack.” “Pshyeah right, look at that blush. Who are you really texting?” “Oh, my God, I swear I’m just texting Jack.” “Bro, it’s gotta be your secret boyfriend.” “Adam Birkholtz, I swear to Jesus-”)

so R&H are messing around in the kitchen as bitty and his mom make a pre-game pie or something and bitty’s texting with jack about how mortifying his day has been when, of course, it gets worse

“Dude, stop texting your Secret Boyfriend,” Ransom says, giving Bitty a shit-eating grin.

bitty goes super pale. 

normally the joke is just kind of annoying but His Mother is Right Here And

Suzanne perks up.

“What was that?” She asks in that slow, sweet, unassuming way that all middle aged southern ladies use when they smell blood in the water

Bitty knows he’s Fucked

“Oh, hahahaha, just an inside joke, Mama, I’m just texting Jack, these boys and their silly little jokes, tell her it’s a joke, Justin”

so now Suzanne is almost certain Bitty’s hiding a boyfriend from her. she gets it, her mama never knew about half the guys she dated and she never had to Come Out to her mama. but Suzanne is not a saint and privacy doesn’t really exist when it’s your flesh and blood

“So, Adam. Justin. Tell me more about that sweet, little Christopher,” she says. “He’s real cute. Don’t you think so, Dicky?” 

to bitty’s delight, though, R&H go straight into Captains mode

“Oh, yeah, Chow’s a great asset to the team.” “One of the best goalies I’ve ever known.” “Real go-getter attitude.” “Hard worker. Weird fear of pucks, though.” “Still. What a guy.” 

Bullet dodged, crisis averted. Bitty breathes easy for a moment. 

so in this time he’s managed to text Chowder and has asked him to AVOID MAMA BITTLE AT ALL COSTS WHICH

chowder is clearly unable to do

“why????!?? did she not like me?!??? did i say something???!!”

so bitty is trying to calm chowder down and suzanne’s all Sugar Bear Sweetpea Fruit of my Loins WHO ARE YOU TEXTING

and chowder barges into the haus, apologizes a mile a minute for literally Anything he can think of

“I’m sorry for not asking you if you wanted a drink! And I’m sorry for not offering you a tour of the Haus- though I guess Bitty’s already done that- oh! Did I not say it’s nice to meet you?! It’s so nice to meet you!!!” 

and r&h have No Idea what’s happening but they love to Stir the Pot so they’re kinda egging chowder on and Mama B is very, very confused but so happy to see Dicky’s boyfriend is so thoughtful, if not a little...excitable...

So of course this is when the Frogs and Lardo wander in, drawn to sounds of a panicked Chowder

now bitty is on the edge of hysterics, trying to calm chowder down, trying to tell his mother that he’s Not dating chowder without saying those exact words, trying to text jack because who Else would be text while losing his shit??

and then she says it

suzanne just fucking says it

“oh, gosh, honey, i don’t know what you’re apologizin for, but it’s nice to know how polite my dicky’s boyfriend is.”

the silence in the kitchen is heavy with pent-up shock and laughter.

now. chowder can be naive, but he’s a smart cookie. it takes him those few, awkward moments, but he manages to put a couple things together - why bitty wanted him away from Mrs. B, why bitty was acting so weird, why suzanne was being so friendly

so chowder, bless his tender lil heart, plays along

“oh! uh!! well, i just want! to impress my...boyfriend?! my boyfriend’s mom!!”

dex and nursey are beyond confused; lardo has to leave the room so she can laugh

this is Not What Bitty Wanted, however

and then

enter Jack Zimmermann

bitty is just about ready to curl up in a corner and die of Shame

so Suzanne does her whole heart-eyes Jack Zimmermann routine, asking after his father and yadda yadda

but jack definitely heard everything with chowder. and as jealous as he is, it was also hilarious. 

and we all know jack l zimmermann is kind of a little shit

“so I see you’ve met bitty’s boyfriend” he says in his best monotone

(now ransom has to leave because he’s about to wet himself holding back laughter)

“oh, yes, jack, i’ve finally gotten dicky to introduce me, you’d think he didn’t want me to meet sweet christopher”

bitty’s done. he’s leaving samwell immediately. already has a new name picked out for himself, is gonna hitchhike west and dye his hair brown and never speak to anyone east of albuquerque again

“oh, i can’t believe he’s being shy about chowder,” jack says, knowing that he’s probably getting himself into Trouble but plowing forward regardless. “they’ve been together almost a year now”

“WHAT.” is the reaction that comes from three different people in three very different inflections 

(now dex and nursey are taking bets; holster is recording the whole thing to send to shitty; ransom and lardo are watching from the hallway)

“oh, yeah,” jack continues on, with what is probably his Funniest and Most Terrible joke ever. “after they both got dumped by their dates at Winter Screw. right, Bittle?” 

bitty has his face buried in his hands. chowder is Beyond Confused as to why jack’s taking it this far. 

suzanne is THRILLED

so Jack is weaving this long, ridiculous story of the Epic BittyChowder romance that never was and chowder’s starting to feel uncomfortable about the way suzanne is staring at him and bitty is going to Murder his boyfriend if the mortification doesn’t kill him first

“...which is why I’m here today. to fight for bitty’s hand.”

yup. jack 110% zimmermann Goes There. 

“you’re in love with my dicky too??” “do i....do i really have to fight jack??!”

and bitty sees the look in jack’s eyes, the imperceptible nod, and the dam finally bursts: “mother, i’m not dating chowder. and i never wanted you to think i was, but chris was just trying to help me out.” 

and suzanne’s face falls and chowder sort of awkwardly...runs away...to stand in the hall with lardo and ransom

“but then why is jack here?” suzanne asks,

and jack wraps his arm around bitty’s shoulder, smiling down at bitty, and bitty finally gets to say to his mama, “because he’s my boyfriend, mother.” 

suzanne Freaks Out and cries a little and calls bob. in that order. 

but before all of that she hugs them both tight and refuses to let go. 

(years down the road, they play holster’s camera-phone video of the whole Ordeal at the zimmermann-bittle wedding. chowder literally never lives down the chirps, but hey -- that’s what best men are for.)

[i-hope-youre-hopeful]

Everything is a mess

I don’t think this will help but I’ll say it all anyway. I have feelings for a high schooler that I can’t get past and that’s not the weirdest thing to happen to me this week. It was rough being around him all week. And it’s not over. Literally everything reminds me of him. I saw him from a distance and felt my heart flutter and then I felt some weird protective response and I wanted to protect him?? From myself?? Like what the hell is that I cannot be his friend and his mother and have a crush on him at the same time it doesn’t work like that and I feel disgusting. I can’t help it!! He’s just... idk intelligent and sweet and silly and I don’t know why this happened okay I can’t help it and I just have to make sure no one ever knows eSPECIALLY HIM. He’s such a sweetheart and he’s so little and pure and I just want to hear him laugh every day forever and I get a lump in my throat every time he smiles but seriously I’ll get over it I just need time and it’s gonna hurt more before it feels better. Gosh I’m glad you can’t be arrested for feelings. In other news I had a baby crush on a girl in my English class so that’s yet another thing to feel ashamed about!! Woo!! I feel like I was accidentally being really weird about it too bc I always laughed whenever she said something and like responded to things that don’t require responses and I’m like oop sorry the gay hopped out!! Idk in all honesty I’m probably completely straight I just want to feel unique or part of this whole messed up movement or something. Dan Howell is gay. He and Phil are happy together and that makes me happy but what a fucking bizarre timeline to be living in I literally can’t wrap my head around the fact that the crazy Phan shippers have been right all these years like?? Am I off my meds or something? And Harry Styles is “”queer””” and like don’t get me wrong love that #representation but all my teenage years are apparently a lie?? It just feels so weird like I’ve had this picture of people in my head all this time and to find out its so deeply wrong is so startling and it just feels wrong somehow. Sydney apparently does not work but I thought she did and now I don’t know what to do I just feel like everything I do is only out of stress and obligation and I’m freaking tf out I am always full of anxiety and I can’t f cking cope with it ohmy gos h. I hate that I can’t fjkng cope and everyday life is just OVERWHELMING I just feel like I’m drowning in stuff all of the time like is it always gonna be like this?? Fuck me I have so much to do and no time to do it in. I woke up at 1 am and it feels like the middle of the day except my current routine says it should be the middle of the night but it’s ACTUALLY MORNING?? I FEEL SCARED AND HORRIBLE AND DISSOCIATED AND IM SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS. I AM A MESS SOMEBODY HELP ME. Living here is such a sickness sometimes. I feel like the squad was an old time of my life that has passed away even tho I just saw them like last week and I don’t want to go back bc I started to become dependent on them and stressed out about not being around them and I know if I go back I’m gonna start using them to cope and I don’t want that at all I feel so bad about that but coping isnall I can do anymore!! I can’t do anything else it’s just completing the bare minimum and then surviving and that’s not gonna be enough for this English class and I’m gonna fail and my teacher’s gonna be mad at me and my parents will be disappointed and it’ll fuck up my GPA and I won’t get into whatever school I probably won’t even try to get into anyway bc I’m too afraid of failure to try anything but I wish I had taken my ACT and thrived more in high school and pushed getting a physical copy of my diploma and I just wish a lot of things I wish I didn’t live here I wish I had my own space and a job and supported myself and didn’t feel like garbage all the time and wasn’t falling apart and God help me I’m so so sorry I just can’t think straight. Oh also Kyle Hiroshi Fawcett told me out of LITERAL NOWHWRE that he had a crush on me which is a pretty shit thing to do since

He literally has a WHOLE GIRLFRIEND LIKE WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT. LIKE what a roller coaster. I had a crush on him but he’s a sad boy and I don’t fuck wit sad boys my life is too sad anyway also his facial hair is GROSS and he’s got way too much emotional baggage for me to handle and he doesn’t have my sense of humor so CANCELED but he’s so cute and he plays bass and he’s Japanese and I love that I always wanted his attention so bad when I was a lil bit younger like WHERE WERE YOU THEN BITCH NOT HERE but now I’m older and you have a WHOLE girlfriend like I’m still sO confused I hate boys. It’s flattering tho. I just wanna be touched and held and kissed but unFORTUNATELY EVERY BOY SUCKS. I kind of miss Justin but not really. I kind of miss all of them but not really. I feel like I escaped that obession and I don’t want to go back. I just want attention. But only from select people. Also are Justin and Rachel dating or not like what’s going on with that?? Are they just fucking?? Are they just friends I literally can’t tell but it makes me mad bc I’m like no!!! I’m too invested in y’all for you to date but I WANT JUSTINS ATTENTION so Rachel can’t have it even tho I don’t actually want to date Justin Rachel just can’t either bc I’m a selfish ass bitch oops!

[thekingsparty]

mnnn after dwts i was gonna write, but laptop started update without asking me & it’s now finally done after 1.5h. my eyes are insanely tired, i’ve basically slept in 1h-sessions last night cause one of the cats kept howling and my sleep currently is so light i hear it and can go check what they need. 

i’ll try get some sleep now and work on drafts orrr photoshop. depends on my condition of my eyes lol. 

as usual lately, cat update under the cut for those who wanna knooow. <3 goodnight all <333

ok so last night was scary. taigi threw up and weakly wobbled back into his fav sleeping place (the tub) without dinner and still refusing to drink from bows. i was so worried and scared i pushed mom a little too far and it escalated and she said a lot of things i’d like to believe she regrets some day. anyway, taigi was doing much better in the morning. he took his meds, ate dryfood/treats with them and mom let him drink from the faucet. according to her it’s my fault he wants that lol, which is silly. he’s had a phase like that a few years ago. 

problem with faucet is, he drinks too quickly, then he throws up. he’s weak anyway and doesn’t eat wet food, so .. throwing up is a big no. so i remembered that about ..a year ago, it got that far that i couldn’t drink at night because if i opened my plastic bottle with water, he would come running and yelling and demanding water. ofc i had no bowl with me so one day, out of fun honestly, i filled a bottle cap with water and he flipped. 

so, to stop him from dehydrating on top of less food and stuff, i’ve spent the day feeding him bottle caps of water. i tried it while he whined for the faucet and bam, he forgot all about the stupid faucet in a second. it’s not ideal, but that way i can control the water flow so to say and he drinks slower. he’s not thrown up, he still only licks the sauce off the wet food, but he’s getting a good hand of dry food twice a day at least for meds so he’s thankfully not going without food in general. less than usual, yes, but not without. i think the antibiotics mess with his stomach, make him nauseous or so. cause he was sick before and he ate fine. it started on the 2nd day of antibiotics that he got even pickier with food. 

anyway, i’ve been feeding him water every few hours and it seems to work, no throwing up happened today. progress. he purrs a lot when pet, which makes me happy. he abandoned the tub for most of the day, went from under my bed (while i was trying to sleep) to mom’s office chair and vice versa. i think that’s a good sign. he came to me like clockwork for half the day to get his bottle caps of water lol. i think we basically filled up his reserves? cause at some point, he stopped coming every hour, then every 2h and then he just came 2 or 3 more times at night. (is 4 am) i fed him some more before sleep so he’d not crawl into the sink (is dangerous) while we try sleep and put some dry food down, he ate a few pieces so i decided to put a lil bowl down, too. he needs dem calories. i snuck past the bathroom after a while and found him hovering over it :3 

we only gotta make it through tomorrow and half of the day after, then it’s ultrasound time and hopefully new treatment to make him feel better. friday back to old vet (lowkey hoping the ultrasound vet gives up meds or something whatever we need and checks him over so he doesn’t have to go to our normal vet in friday.. going out 2 days in a row is v stressful for him). katzi is doing a little better? she’s lowing weight slower currently, not ideal, but a start, we’ll probs not get her blood test back before monday, but that’s ok. she can do it. i’m really curious what she has, but also if taigi’s heart is the issue. i read up on it and like.. if the right chamber isn’t working properly, it pumps blood back into the organs, causing intestine+bowel issues, kidney issues and water in belly. liver could be swollen, it would also explain the pancreas troubles bc it’s part of the stomach-bowel system. it causes high blood pressure in bursts, which would explain why taigi is fab one moment and towards the end of the day he’s getting more and more passive. then he rests for the night and in the morning he’s fit af again. cause he has been yelling mom outta bed for food these days. xD “it’s 8am human, feed me now.” so yeah.. i don’t even know if i wanna hope it’s really his heart. on one hand, they say there’s meds for it (have i spent many hours reason on the internet? yes) and many people are v happy for many years with their cats thanks to those, but there’s also the fear that he’s got something weird or special and there#s no meds. i’m an unlucky person, i’m worried it affects him. we’ll see. 

anyway, nothing is idea and blah, but .. i feel a lot less anxious today. taigi is a picky shit and he’s weak and stubborn, but he has appetite and he wants water and pets, so.. i believe in him and our vet lady. 

i rambled again, thanks all <3