#because i am doing a little better now
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Final manifestations for Book 7?
I'm trying REALLY hard not to build up any solid expectations, because I wanna go in ~fresh~! they're already so far away from anything I thought would happen (not in a bad way, I'm just accepting that I'm on Miss Yana's Wild Ride at this point and we're seeing this thing through 'til the end, by gum). so it's nothing too major, but:
they've been handing new crying expressions out like candy lately, I want to see some delicious Malleus tears.
honestly I want everyone to cry buckets. their tears sustain me. the more Silver angst specifically I get the happier I am.
SILVER!!!! 👏 VANROUGE!!!! 👏
just let him have this. the poor boy's been through so much. let him have his big "I'm proud of you, son" moment with Lilia.
I'm 100% expecting Grim's arc (and probably whatever's going on with Crowley) to be its own episode, but a nice hook to leave us hanging on would be good!
a nice hook though, please, I don't think I can take another "Grim is attacking us! now wait eight months to find out what happens :)" cliffhanger...
some Meleanor? as a treat? just a little bit, a tiny quick flashback or something, please Twst I just, I just want to see her again. let her have a little ghost cameo like Dawnathan Knight got. Lilia and his kids are all having their big group hug or whatever and she can gently fade in to be all like
(turning asks off until I'm done playing, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE Y'ALL)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 13 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 13 spoilers#one last chance for me to be wrong about everything!#(no it's good i am enjoying it SO much) (just stomping right down on all of my personal like buttons with its whole weight)#(it's just also VERY good at totally subverting all of my expectations)#i don't think we're actually gonna get a permanently dehorned malleus though#just because it feels like an insane thing to remove the most iconic part of one of the most iconic characters of the game#but i could see like...a temporary thing ala raisin vil#or a permanent smaller change like cracks/chips or something (kintsugi horns would be super cool actually)#but i do think it's more likely we'll find some way to keep the status quo re:horn design#if this was the END-end of all of twst then maybe but they still wanna sell merch of this guy so they can't change his design TOO much#i am sorta wondering if he might get a bit of a power nerf though? take him down from ridiculously overpowered to just normal overpowered#idk they made a point of saying the horns were specifically what caused the weather stuff#and the weather stuff has been called out in particular as one of the reasons why mal being so stupidly magical makes him pretty unhappy#everyone's scared of him all the time and he has to actively try not to accidentally kill people when he gets upset#so. idk. maybe it was just a little worldbuilding. but i thought it was interesting they brought that up was all!#me: i'm not going to form any expectations (writes a whole thing speculating on the fate of malleus' horns)#look it's now or never okay#that end of episode rhythmic better be SO cute because i'm already losing my entire head over this
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hope you feel better soon!
I am riddled with ailments, but I stay silly!
#ask#non mdzs#My health journey has been: Hernia -> acid reflux -> Vocal pain due to aforementioned reflux -> chest infection.#I'm terrified to know what's about to hit me next. Please let it be something kind. PLEASE.#The consequence of living with linguists is that you'll wake up with a wacked up voice -#suddenly you're sitting you down in front of a program called something like Praat having your shimmer and jitter levels calibrated.#They gave me a GRBAS of 33012. I have a fun thing called a pitch break where a whole octave just does not exist.#My vocal pain was bad enough I ended up seeing a speech pathologist and that whole experience was super neat!#I learnt a lot about voice - to be honest I might make a little comic on it after some more research. Fascinating stuff.#For example; your mental perception of our voice modulates the muscles of the vocal folds and larynx.#meaning that when you do have changes (inflammation = more mass = lower frequency)#your brain automatically attempts to correct it to what it 'should sound like'. Leading to a lot more vocal strain and damage!#And it gets really interesting for trans voice care as well - because the mental perception of one's voice isn't based on an existing sampl#So a good chunk of trans voice training is also done with the idea of finding one's voice and retraining the brain to accept it. Neat!#Parkinsonial Voice also has this perception to musculature link! The perception is that they are talking at a loud/normal volume#but the actual voice is quite breathy and weak. So vocal training works on practicing putting more effort into the voice#and retraining the brain to accept the 'loud' voice as 'normal'.#Isn't the human body fascinating?#Anyhow; Now I have vocal exercises and strategies to reduce strain and promote healing.#Which is a lot better than my previous strategy of yelling AAAH in my car until my 'voice smoothed out'.#You can imagine the horror on the speech path's face. I am an informed creature now.#I'm my own little lab rat now. I love learning and researching. Welcome to my tag lab. Class is dismissed.#I'll be back later with a few more answered asks </3 despite everything I'm still going to work and I need the extra sleep.#Thank you for the well wishes! And if you read all of that info dump; thank you for that as well!
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New file! The Art and Science of Fractionation
youtube
I just posted my new file, The Art and Science of Fractionation!
"Dr." Tennfan here, and today I'll give you an up-close lesson on the art and science of fractionation. You’ll learn some of the theory behind fractionation (really!) while also engaging in some experiential learning about the effects of repeatedly going in and out trance in various ways. There’s also a homework assignment to share with the class about how you feel after the lesson.
This is part of The Hypno Collective's School of Trance project, which has files from a ton of great creators, all of them "lessons" about some aspect of hypnosis, all of them a delight to listen to.
Tags: SFW] [Fractionation] [Multiple Inductions] [Fast Fractionation] [Slow Fractionation] [Light Teasing] [Suggestion to Comment]
#hypnosis#noises from my mouth#fractionation#this was fun to make!#a little teasy?#questionably educational#but I did try to make it have a little actual theory stuff in it#doing stuff with the collective is intimidating as hell#because they are all legit pros at this#and I’m me#but also I am better at audio now and better at promoting myself and I feel challenged to just do better#and that’s a fun thing!#Youtube
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Every time you think, "Oh, I don't have [x condition], I'm basically cured!" that is the devil talking. You aren't cured, you are likely going through periods of your symptoms waning. Don't cease whatever you're doing to help yourself, like medication, for instance, because it's likely you still have the conditions or symptoms, even if you aren't noticing them as frequently or severely.
#disability#this is a callout post about myself#i genuinely thought my GAD was cured because my symtoms had lessened significantly since i've transitioned#turns out my anxiety is just as killer and awful - it's just muted slightly#i am currently laying down with my brain convinced that i'm About To Have a Heart Attack#(and not in the fun demi lovato kind of way)#(that song is a little over a decade old... what the bingle)#anyway please don't do what i do whenever i experience ANY level of symptoms getting better because it will shock you...#...when those symptoms come back and remind you that you Do Indeed have [x condition]#i now know how a wolf girl feels when they say they are Actually Feral because that's how i feel rn 💀#even I'M not immune to the idea that the things i suffer from are things that can Disappear Magically 😭#it's wishful thinking and almost like... imposter syndrome because you're *so* desperate to prove to yourself you're Fine or A Faker#and you become hyperfixated on picking every tiny little waxing and waning of symptoms like you're a fortune teller#and honestly it's really stiffling and it's a lot of work to kill the cop in your head that says you are secretly Not All That Affected...#...that you're either exaggerating to the Extreme or you're just a bored faker who's trying to Get Attention (bad somehow)
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crying and sobbing i was supposed to draw doodles of my ocs but instead all there is is Siffrin
they're so shaped i have to draw them
also
100% :)
#isat#in stars and time#siffrin#my art#doodles#the brothers doodle was two sifs staring into the void and i just put them together#i realized afterwards it could be sif and loop after the shiny mf materializes again as another siffrin#they do not know how that happened or what that means#fun time for everyone involved#this screenshot is already two weeks old#i started a new playthrough because of course#and it is quite funny#on my first playthrough at 23 hours i had 23 loops in act 3#on my second one i had 145 loops at 19 hours in act 4#NOW at the end of act 4 i am going through the house one last time for fun i have 198 loops at 26 hours#the little mf knows that banana peel and dagger better than the back of his hand#my og playthrough ended at 89 loops#and even after i came back to act 4 to get everything i could at that point i got only to 130 loops#what i'm saying is that#my second playthrough siffrin the moment he learnt they're in a timeloop#decided to split his skull open on a rock over 100 times before they even reached act 3#god he needs help#someone take my siffrin away i am torturing them so much#anyway the reason i looped so much was mainly to talk to loop and get all the chats#also farm exp#getting to lvl 99 actually wasn't that bad#went quite quickly after 85#also why does mira need so much exp#just so we can suffer#anyway act 5 siffrin at 200 loops let's go
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Hot take!! Two things can be true at once!! I generally don’t interact with thg fandom much on here but I have been seeing posts in passing from those who don’t like sotr/those who are defending it and!! guess what!! you’re both right that’s the beauty of opinions!!! You can like the message of the book but not the delivery, you can like the delivery of the book but not the fan service, you can think there’s no fan service, you can think there’s too much, you can love the book but think it’s flawed or hate the book but think it has decent parts, you can feel anything you want about it and it doesn’t make one opinion wrong or right I can’t believe I have to say this
#thg#sotr#it has been mostly civil from what I’ve seen but I can sense it’ll be a war zone soon enough#no the people who don’t like it aren’t missing the point. no the people who like it aren’t dim for liking it.#it’s ok others don’t like something people. take a deep breath it doesn’t affect you just keep being happy#I personally am going to slip into the shadows with my nuanced opinion of ‘it could be better but i like it’#and some people need to realize that you can love flawed media but eeeeuuehh that’s enough Hot Takes from me for one day.#back to my regularly scheduled bug posting and oc yappinh (for now)#I actually still have a ton of thoughts on the book but I am scared to enter The Fandom™️#there’s a reason I stick to my little corners of the internet where I can do whatever I want all the time#actually one last hot take haymitch isn’t out of character he’s a 16 year old pre-games haymitch he’s goin h to be different#that’s like saying Katniss is out of character in the epilogue because she’s not angry and defensive and hating her kids but ok ok ok#too scary of a take I’m gonna go back where it’s safe with my bugs
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THIS IS GOING ON MY MAIN BECAUSE I JUST HAVE TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT THIS FANFICTION BROKE ME. I'M CURRENTLY VIBRATING. UNABLE TO THINK OR PROCESS ANYTHING. I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY AND NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. LORD ALMIGHTY. @vinelark, YOU HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY GRIPPED ME INTO THIS PLOT AND I'M THIS CLOSE TO SOBBING AND THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH FOR WRITING IT AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WOULD WHIP OUT A RING FOR YOU AND I'D LEAVE YOU AT THE ALTER AND AND AND
#so#I may have lost it a little bit#and I take accountability for that#but holy shit#this#this this this#I don't think I've reacted to a fanfiction like this#well#EVER#I have been sat here#fully tense for the past ten minutes#rereading the last sentence of chapter five#and fucking LOSING it#I know we have never talked or met or even glanced at each other upon this hellsite#but thank you and I love you and I'm fucking losing it#this is actually the first dc fanfiction I have ever read#and you've made it so very worth it#thank you so much#I don't think I could have had a better experience for the first fanfiction of this fandome#uh#think of this as a love note to you and your fanfiction if you want to#because I truly do love it and your writing#you've got me so hooked in a way I didn't even realise was possible#to the point where I am still writing about it#I will stop now#but I do love it and you#dc#dc universe#tim drake#kon el superboy
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Charlie: 'Be so goofy that no one ever takes you seriously […] Let it take over. Let Troy guide you.' Troy Betteridge: 'Are you sure about that? Because any time I "go with the flow," I end up back in the mansion bouncing on a [Troy: fucking/Ty: blasted] trampoline. If I'm going to accomplish anything, I can't do whatever Troy feels like doing.'
Spotify -> woe.b 195 -> [16:16] ▶️
Troy Betteridge: 'Oh… there is going to be bouncing' TROYS HOUSE I DON'T WANNA PLAY GAMES //but I// bounce high when I'm on a trampoLIIIIIIINE
I love that Troy Betteridge complained to Charlie about having to bounce with the Troys all the time but once they were in the trampoline room, he outright refused to stop bouncing for Stinky's Key Information.
#once again very aware of how absurd I sound to my non-WBG listening bestie#anyway#it's not secret roller skate disco room party but it's three Troys bouncing and Stinky in a crop top#it'll have to do for now#“for now” because I AM going to paint that hc roller skate disco scene#also: shoutout to Charlie and Troy being Flinch together#“Be so goofy no one ever takes you seriously” I see you Charlie /pos#fun art details:#I chose red green and blue as the base colors for the three Troys as a nod to Huey Dewey and Louie#OVER Troy aka Cowtroy ie the one we meet first and the original tater tot hot dot appreciator is wearing red#OI Troy aka Troi wears green and I made him the buffest one to represent the OI background#He says he hates Eagle but wow he sure is eager to punch people isn't he? So I gave him a little Eagle glamour to represent his training#Box Troy aka Troy Betteridge aka Try Better is the only one opting out of a crop top for the obvious “Ty is in there” reasons#I gave him a duck T-shirt to reemphasize my old man love for Donald Duck and also because he's the odd duck (gettit?)#Stinky is just chilling and enjoying the view#good for you Stinky#I also chose blue for Try Better because Blue Ty works in Experimental and wow someone sure experimented on Troy Betteridge!#but we don't know which color Ty is in there of course#could be Rainbow Ty#Mystery Betteridge#or... “there is no Purple” Ty Betteridge#anyway pt. 2#bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce#bouncing with the Troys#woe.begone#w.bg spoilers#wbg#stinky wbg#troy wbg#ty betteridge
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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I'll contain my rambling explanations in the tags but believe me there are layers here that I tried to convey
[A Soft Place To Land from Waitress // vaultknight + Rose Maclean/Moldaver]
#First of all Waitress felt like a choice that made even more sense when I thought about it then when I first picked it so that's a layer#Starting with the one you'd need non-Fallout context for#I was gonna do a whole explanation but I am so sleepy I just realised#On the most basic level relevant to this song is a woman keeping her mother's idealistic outlook on things#But ALSO moving on to the parallels I see with Maximus and Rose#Both attempted to leave the highly controlled environment they'd been raised on when they realised there was a better alternative#(Maximus going form the BoS -> the vault and Rose from the vault -> Shady Sands)#But both fail to do so because they're pursued by the place/people they tried to escape#Maximus is dragged back into the Brotherhood and Rose was bombed by her husband#Both places viewed them as something to fill a role (wife+mother. Squire.) and not as a full person#But there's also a little parallel between Maximus and Moldaver in the Moldaver's final scene where Maximus is calling out for Lucy#then moments later Moldaver stumbles in and calls for Rose#I go so crazy for Maximus and for my implied lesbians guys. You don't even understand bc I forgot until just now but oughhhhhh#Obviously there's the fact they both fall in love with a Maclean woman who's recently left the vault for the first time#And apparently Lucy is just like her mum it's so oughhhhhh#God I love this showwwwww#fallout edit#maximus fallout#lucy maclean#fallout show#rose maclean#lee moldaver
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Australian Rituals / Teeth of God Tour Bingo
Alroighte gwois, let's hear your predictions for the upcoming rituals. I *might* make another bingo (like on Wembley) - even if I don't, let's get them all in one place cus I think it's funny.
If you have something specifically for the Teeth of God Tour (because they are headliners and can do Cooler™ Fancier™ stuff) do specify. Same for strictly Australian Rituals. Some stuff may happen earlier (like when they debuted TMBTE and the new Espera masks), others may only happen on the Tour, so let's just put them all here and see what happens 😗✌️
Please reblog/put on the replies your predictions!! Whether serious or silly, please share!
Mine are:
One of the Vessels (Vessel or ivy OR Espera!!!!) singing onstage with Oli
Kangaroo/koala headbands / Aussie Explorer hat
EUCLID (more for Teeth of God but wouldn't be surprised if earlier)
The Apparition (PLEASE)
The Summoning pushups will return
Older song throwback (please please Sugar or Jaws. TNDNBTG for ToG)
Outfit change for the Vessels (only cus i think Australia is quite hot now innit? poor iv will MELT in that jacket)
NEW VESSEL JEWELLERY
This one I'm not super confident/keen on BUT new Vessel mask with Antlers (more likely on ToG but who knows)
#I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE RITUALS AAAAAAA IT'S RIDICULOUS#i kinda hate that because of timezones they will be playing during the day (for me) rather than later at night but!!#it means we can at least gather round in the evening and react together#cus lord knows how many full nights of sleep i sacrificed during the US rituals#actually yeah now that i think about it it *IS* better this way#ignore my earlier tag then i am thinking out loud#i need at least one picture of the crew with koalas. Just one#i know the girlies are there already so i'm assuming they are ALL there#(one of the Esperas posted on her stories. calm down guys i am not doxing anyone)#do you think they are doing fun Aussie stuff 🥺 trying vegemite and milo and petting koalas and fighting roos 🥺🥺#wait but Adam is not there yet. maybe her photo is from last year. or maybe they're all arriving at different times idk#i just hope they are not stressing too much and are having fun and healthy 👍#i will get SO emotional hearing Vessel fully recovered on stage again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#ANYWAYS I RAMBLED TOO MUCH OMG SORREH#if you reached this have a little snack for your troubles 🤲 🍊🧃🍬#sleep token#sleep token teeth of god tour
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haven't been this fucking insanely furious at Williams since they fired Damon Hill halfway through 1996
#this is SUCH a horrible decision for them both#while i think there is a short term chance that Alex may produce a better race result#the car is pretty naff so the chances are low#and now alex has enormous pressure on his shoulders#if he makes another mistake and tbh that's likely because the car is not ideal and he's now in a high pressure situation which he#historically speaking#does not do well in#(also despite the heroics in the first year at williams he actually doesn't get on with Melbourne very well)#but if he does that he looks like an arsehole and the team look like arseholes and the press will call alex a villain#and meanwhile in the medium to long term#logan's just been told the team has so little confidence in him they believe a driver who destroyed his car will do better#which is going to knock anyone for absolutely fuckin six#like if you empathised with alex at red bull you have to empathise with logan here#mr vowles i am booking a fight i am coming to fight you
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They are not in-frame but I hope you are ready to catch those hands.
So I was observing Juno's 1st phase battle for the 69,000th time and noticed he does make a few interesting movements with his arms, and I'm upset that I ran out of room in my current page to draw it out. Well maybe I'll give it a try in some of the tiny corners but until then, this was the only decent shot I managed for the day.
#I'm particularly upset about this because my brain was telling me 'no juno would never do this it's too silly'#and in the end he actually does it#so really#I should be happy because aww he would do this with his arms (it's a little flick of his hands that I thought would be cute)#but even with this as a close-up shot it was yet another pose I wasn't sure he'd do but he did so yay I learned something new :D#SPEAKING OF LEARNING#I found the JP cutscenes and ran through them a few times#and it turns out juno does in fact refer to volnutt with the -sama honorific in legends as well#additionally it's very interesting to hear how different he sounds#jp juno is so much more 'cheery' if that's the right term#he definitely sounds like a text to speech person#and then one of his 2nd form lines have a hint of restraint to them (like teetering on 'I am going to lose it with you :))) ')#compared to his purely angry eng lines#and that better explains that 3rd expression he has in nxc#all that said I'm much more fond of his eng voice#something about the stilted dubbing works out with his character#and comes off more machine-like (and sweet and soft like his face)#not that I have issue with the jp voice it's just interesting to think about o'course ^^#it's like he's speaking in different font sizes or something#okay that's enough chalkboard talking for now#I'm just very happy with the things I learned today ( b“ v”)b#doodle-daas#megaman legends#rockman dash#megaman juno#rockman juno
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.
See the thing is. I know I'm good at writing. Like I have my weak areas or things I need to improve in, but it's not a skill I otherwise spend a lot of time feeling insecure about because a) if I don't believe in my writing literally who will b) if I want to publish my writing I ought to at least feel a resting level of good about it because editors and agents likely will not be cradling my face like a prize cat and telling me how talented I am while asking for their edits c) I've always had an audience for my writing even at its worst– I started sharing my original works online when I was around 16 & that really helped sell to me the idea of 'there will always be someone out there who likes what you do' d) untalented men never think this hard about the quality of their works and they always end up published anyway and e) I don't have many other thoroughly developed skills so why not have one I feel good about. Having said this. Awkward feeling to realize you're one of the authorial weak links in your postgraduate creative writing degree's social circle
#part of the issue is definitely also like. i am good at what i do! its just that im the only one doing it#40 people in my fuckass degree and im the only one who writes fantasy fiction. we had one more girl but she did romance & dropped out#(to be an agent) (this isnt a sad story)#but yeah no im mostly surrounded by very talented poets and screenwriters. which makes my works seem a little. frivolous. in comparison#and my friends especially are so fucking talented it makes me ill. and they engage politely with me about my writing but its also#superficial and i cant blame them because its simply not what they write/what theyre interested in! i feel the same about poetry#but my friend actually seemed surprised a while ago when i mentioned a thing id been writing and i joked that it looked like she was#surprised i could have good ideas and she didnt answer. and like. man.#i am a good writer! i fucking know im a good writer but im a good FANTASY writer and these people are. different writers and theyre good an#im floundering in this environment next to them and theres something not as like.. artistic in what i do its so fucking embarrassing#and they also display just such a lack of curiosity as to others' writing like.. they wont check the moodle forum to read what the others i#our module have uploaded for each assignment?? like arent you even just CURIOUS? but now im also just wondering if theyre like 🤞 this#with each other in a way that excludes me and my stupid flop ass fiction. i dont know. its just so silly. everyone always talks about#finding community in writing groups & degrees & such and that is exactly the last and most isolating place ive ever been insofar as my#writing goes. like at least way back in high school no one cared in general. here people do care. just not about what i can bring to the#table. although again i really dont know if this is a larger scale lack of curiosity/involvement in others works so i digress.#notnow#tbd#sorry this is a very priveleged complaint to have i AM deeply enjoying my degree and ik im so lucky to get to go where i attend. i just#occasionally feel sad. and knowing i failed my last assignment (which WAS fiction) (one chance to prove myself! cute) isnt helping much#if the poetrypeople are better at me even in the thing im meant to be good at. baby we're about to enter the mental health meat grinder.#but we stay silly. i think i just need to find people online etc to talk to about writing again like i did at 17.#just full insanity paragraph analysis. that was fun. i enjoyed that.
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// personal
how strange it is to observe yourself changing
#not snz#delete later#another suddencolds yap post 😭 i apologize#i have been trying to draft a post like this for awhile now... i suppose this is a subset of the many thoughts i've had lately#this year has been so strange??! i joked in january about taking a leave to metamorphose into someone more tolerable but#honestly i am not sure if i am more tolerable now... though i do feel like i've changed. :')#for the better? for the worse? unsure... i feel like i am finding out more and more that#my social battery is unfortunately finite 😭 and that i must be more selective in how i choose to spend my time 🙇♀️#i think all throughout uni the majority of my substantial social interactions happened#over text/online? irl i made a lot of acquaintances via classes and student organizations... but the number of#close friends i had and actively met up with irl was pretty low 😭 and that embarrassed me!! like#how can one 🫵🏼 be surrounded by so many smart people her age and come away with so few in-person friends?? ☹️ skill issue truly!!! 🙄👎#even now i sometimes feel like the need to defend myself from that uncharitable perception of me? as though the idea that#there is/was something wrong with me is something i need to actively disprove 🥲#taken objectively i feel like i'm doing okay socially 😭 i have a decent handful of irl friends that#i meet with pretty regularly and people do seek out my company... but there's this feeling at the back of my mind that#no one will believe me when i say it. perhaps because i am so deeply used to seeing myself as undesirable :')#(^ i think this was all more painful than i am getting across in writing and i am summarizing it all from a point of relative detachment 😶)#but anyways! i am older now and it feels like things are shifting... or that i'm being forced to acknowledge that i have limits socially#in terms of energy rather than capability. which is new :') and i've also been thinking about the feeling of closeness (or lack thereof)#that i feel when it comes to the various friendships in my life. i think i am really fully vulnerable like#kind of seldom actually... but on the rare occasion that i feel sufficiently attached i worry i come across as a little intense 😭#(if i have embarrassed myself in front of you i am very sorry 😭😭 i'm still figuring things out)#(not sure if anyone is still reading this but) these tags are getting long enough 🏃♀️
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#ok blessings!#I had a very good day actually I was just feeling cranky earlier because pain and talking to relatives. writing to remind my future self.#so!#had a 6 hr shift at work (busy but good for morale because the patients were all nice to me)#came home ate leftover curry and naan for lunch changed out of my scrubs and immediately left for town#(speaking of scrubs..I got new scrubs! they're a gorgeous dark berry color and so comfy and so many big pockets!)#hung out with one of my good friends. we laughed a lot and ran around by the river.#and went to a bookstore and then got tea!#and then in the little rock and roll shop#we ran into a girl I knew in middle school and we got to catch up! sometimes seeing old friends is awkward but this was chill.#and she said I should come back and chat next week! very fun.#also I did so much walking between work and the trail that my legs are sore which is DELIGHTFUL. I haven't worked out in an age.#yapped with my dad for an hour about music! I'm slowly but surely going to get him to like dnd via the sound design of worlds beyond number#now sitting down to answer some asks and then maybe watch some tv and go to bed.#I am so overjoyed and thankful that spring is in the air! even when we get another cold snap we'll just Know it's so so close!!#does marvels for my mood!!#praising God for the best week I've had in a while.#and also that most of my friends seem to be also doing better#this winter was just a Lot and I think we're all relieved and thankful to be looking forward to spring.#blessings#diary
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