#because I don’t really want top surgery or even to go on t (at least not right now)

[bomber-grl]

Dating headcanons!! (Ftm reader edition)

Pairing(s): Characters x FtM!Reader

Characters(s): Will Solace, Leo Valdez, Nico Di Angelo

Asked for either or, you shall get all

Will Solace

Will solace the man that you are

Honestly is the best person to talk to about your identity and everything

Most likely to buy you an endearingly cringey cake when you come out to him (if you haven’t already)

Alongside the horrendous trans merch he can get his hands on

That you still choose to wear despite being “disgusted”

Anyways

Will is always ready to have those heartfelt and serious talks when you need them most

He’s definitely the most validating person in the room

Like seriously I cannot stress this enough

He’s always taking you to spaces where you’d feel safe and if he can’t find any- he’d make them

Other words for saying he’d be more than happy to be your safe space

Your progress or journey with your identity is one that Will is more than happy to experience with you

Even if you end up lashing out or getting frustrated- he’d be there to ground you and help calm you down

ESPECIALLY then

Even little moments of offense or hurt from others can be taken by Will and made into references to weird inside jokes

- ones that you have to keep telling him to stop making and then he continues for the pure joy of seeing you shake your head knowingly

Also if you’re on t (injection) then he’d be more than happy to help you out

Saying that as someone who’s ok around needles, but if I had to give myself a shot

Rip

Just ask your sunshine medic-at-16 bf to help you out

Because of course everyone has one of those

Also would and has scolded you if you keep your binder on for more time than you’re supposed to

You’re already running on thin ice with all the physical action demigods go through per day

I can only imagine

Yknow maybe it could serve as a sign to go schedule that top surgery appointment /hj

Hj Cuz of the state of the real world

Anyway

Leo Valdez

Honestly did not know you were trans at all when you first met (if you’ve already transitioned or not- he’s a block head)

Neither did he ever consider you as romantic partner for the very reason that you’re a guy

(Just only ever considered girls)

And yet here we are

Dating Leo is honestly just the average experience of any person

Chaotic, fun, and also dealing with the crippling traumas demigod life has offered you and refused to acknowledge when you did not want it

Which I guess could include you being trans depending on your experience

Whether you pass or not is something else and regardless you’ve faced discrimination or at least some sort of fear when revealing at one point or another to others

Which you luckily don’t encounter all that much at camp

(Considering the zest fest camp half blood is)

Let say you’re just transitioning and decide to tell Leo

He’s immediately talking about having your back and willing to listen to your new pronouns and new name (if you’d like one)

He’d be a bit awkward but not because of what’s going on rather because he uses humor all the time and refuses to make a joke out of this one serious thing

Also ☝️

He’d be the best person on this list about making you feel seen bro I’m not even exaggerating

(Idk the others seem pretty good too)

Leo and being invisible or last choice go hand in hand so the last thing he’d ever want you or anyone he loves feel- is feel unimportant

He’d want to validate your identity and make sure you’re comfortable enough to be your truest self around him

Which is honestly better than anything he could ask for

Conflicting feeling and situations are bound to arise

Whether about yourself, others or just anything really

Just talk to Leo because if not he’ll literally explode

And why wouldn’t you?

Even if he’s using humor and convos are a bit awkward- it doesn’t make him incapable of having any serious ones

So pull up a chair and talk to him when you’re having a rough day surrounding your identity

The worst thing that can happen is nothing

Because he’ll always support you and also talk about how he’s felt shitty before to atleast make you smile

That’s one continuous long term goal of his he’ll never reach

Also if you’re on t (injection) - never expect this gremlin to help out or so help us all

Nico Di Angelo

Cool. He loves you and so you’re his boyfriend now.

That’s all there is to it

I sort of see him as the type to try to not make a big deal out of your identity and stuff

Partially so you don’t feel like he’s walking on egg shells (he knows the feeling)

But also because he’s unsure of if that’s him crossing boundaries (again, because of his personal experience/ preference)

You got a new name? New pronouns? He’ll happily call you them

Again, he isn’t the type to be overly dramatic or loud with his support but he’d show it in more subtle ways

His understanding of identity and validation makes him sensitive to what you need more often than not

So even though he won’t always have the words to convey how he feels, he’s always there to listen

Also, his reassurance is always so heartfelt

Random but something to add since Nico is obviously sarcastic and can be misleading to some

Anyway

We all know Nicos trait of being over protective to those he loves so naturally it extends to you by default

If anyone would even misgender or deadname you in front of him- regardless of if it were on accident- he’d correct them without fail

Not that he makes a scene at all

His presence is already scary enough

(The books alone are proof

+ Though only done if you feel comfortable with it)

Many people experience different things but I feel like acceptance is one many people have gone through and tried to achieve at one point or another

Nico was a conservative Italian raised catholic (who is gay) from the 1930s

If someone knows about the trial of self acceptance

it’s him

So even if it’s not exactly the same- he understands the conflict that goes on and is always there to hear you out

Also you can’t tell me that he’s gotten wack ass pride/gay merch as a way of being supported by other campers when he came out

Mostly annoying ones but I digress

So as a rite of passage he’d gift you some cringe trans merch in hope of making you laugh

Something to add is that if this is more fresh Nico

Ig you could say

Then he’d be really guarded like to the max

So even though present him would be as stated as above- younger Nico would definitely be way harsher to those who offended you

I don’t make the rules

A/n: despite what’s written- my favorite is Will (length of hcs)

[aphroditestummyrolls]

I feel. So very very. Bad.

[gor3sigil]

Everyday I grieve myself

A few days ago I went to the pharmacy to get my HRT. I was thinking that in less than a month I’ll be celebrating 2 years on T and 5 months post top surgery. I looked back at my journey while breathing the crispy and cold morning air, and it struck me hard as a truck: I had totally erased my previous self. Well, almost, at least. When I moved to where I live now, I got estranged from my entire family. They don’t know my new name, they don’t know my adress. I only have one singular picture of me from before I was 18. Most of the people in my life don’t even really recall my deadname, some of them didn’t even know me pre-T. I have no relations that are even remotedly close to the place I was born in, I cut all ties years ago. Thinkinh about all this, I stood, bewildered that the cut between my old self and my current self was so deep. Whose who remember me before I started transitionning weren’t in my life anymore and had no idea about who or what I was now.

And I can’t shake how weird this makes me feel. I have no resentment towards the girl I used to be. She was very flawed, but I love her. She was a deeply wounded animal, savage and lonely, who was just yearning for a place to call home. And it’s so painful to think that every person who knew her are far away from us now, totally oblivious that we still exist, because they weren’t safe. In what space, then, does she still exist ? Is there still people thinking about her, wondering if she’ll ever return ? Is she being grieved ?

Because I grieve her. I’m not her, never was, never will be, and while we shared the same vessel, I miss her. I remember how joyful she used to be about so many things, I remember the nights spent writing wild stories, her love for the NA! appel fruit sticks she’d snack on while watching the Simpsons, her hidden love for cheesy otome games, how bad she wanted to, one day, go live in London.

I lost her jewelry, but I still remember her wearing a pendant with a girl looking at her refletion in mirror, and if you looked in the mirror, she’d look like a skeleton. She used to say it made her think of one of her friend who died. None of her friends had died. I wonder if she was talking about herself.

I wish I still had a piano for her to play. I wish I still had a name to call her. When I discover something new and interesting I find myself saying out loud “She would’ve loved this”. And when I drift away to sleep every night, I think about her and light a little candle in my mind, I know she was scared of the dark.

[bloodyinkandquill]

T4T Subspace x Reader NSFW

requester wanted both reader and sub to be transmasc! and as a transmasc myself makes this easier, for this parts will obviously be afab parts but nothing about boobs will be mentioned, i will have subspace with top surgery but no mention as to if reader had top surgery or not! will probably insinuate both are on t so you both have t-dicks, alright that’s enough with that let’s do these hcs!

- Being on testosterone that means you both are horny very often, so you are fucking like gods damn rabbits, take it from me, you two fuck so often because T makes you horny

- If one of you, or both, only recently started T your also very sensitive, the other uses that for their advantage, especially if it’s Subspace towards you, bro eats you out so hard you see stars

- Honestly he’s a kinda emotional guy during it, especially if it’s sweeter more intimate sex he melts and gets all red

- Dom sub dynamics don’t matter when both of you are horny beyond belief, one of you may wear a strap one time but for the most part you guys just wanna both orgasm and pass out, it ends up being pretty animalistic, you look like you’re playing fucking twister.

- Eat him out, he eats you out, either one is fucking hot to him, he loves overstimulating you if he’s eating you out, and he ruts into your mouth if your the one eating him out

- He is, SO loud, so whiney letting out incoherent babbles and pleas, if you gag him he whines around it but thinks it’s hot so he doesn’t really care

- Lights off, your both trans, enough said honestly lmao

- Probably invents some sort of toy, probably a vibrator of some kind, and uses it in you and himself, maybe he even makes it able to be used by two people at the same time, all that matters is it feels fucking good as hell

these were really incoherent and not at all like my normal hcs but i just described stuff i know is common with transmascs, and my own stuff being on t for two years… actually today i think holy shit i’ve been on t for two years what the hell, anyways yeah lemme know if you want regular subspace x reader nsfw lmao, imma go bake now, funfetti blondies, i love baking so much i make at least once a week

[spacelazarwolf]

if you’re a trans guy that came out and got on t when you were in your teens, especially if you’re white, i need you to understand that you are the best case scenario, not the norm.

I talked to another trans guy the other day who came out young and started t when he was 16, and he talked about how he didn’t really understand what other trans guys were talking about when we say we experience a lot of transphobia, because he’d never really experienced much. he lived in a safe area and had supportive parents who allowed him to explore his gender, didn’t try to keep him from transitioning, and got him the gender affirming care he needed before he even finished high school. he passes and doesn’t talk about being trans, so no one knows and it isn’t obvious to anyone.

now compare that to someone like me. i didn’t know i was trans until i was in my mid twenties because i didn’t know being trans was even an option for someone like me until i went to college. i had immense pressure put on me by parents, family, and romantic partners to be the perfect girl, the perfect woman. i spent my most formative years learning to mask because as an autistic girl with adhd i was not given the grace that boys my age were given. the mask i learned was a girl’s mask, and it’s the one i still use today because i haven’t even begun to think about how to learn how to mask as a man, especially when i still don’t pass. i endured years of medical misogyny and fatphobia that have left me with permanent disabilities and chronic conditions. it took years for me to be able to access top surgery (which cost me my day job when they found out) and hrt, and i had to come to terms with the fact that the career i had built as a professional singer would be either gone or extremely complicated. either i wouldn’t be able to get hired and would have to quit, or i would have to constantly explain why all the roles i had in the past were soprano roles, which would out me as trans. i’m transitioning extremely publicly, in front of the professional music organizations i’m in as well as at my job, at my synagogue, in front of my friends and family. i can’t go stealth even if i wanted to. and even with all of this, i’m white and still able to work at least a bit.

so if you see another trans guy talking about his experiences and they don’t line up with yours, if you see yourself as having privileges another trans guy says he doesn’t, consider that he’s not lying or denying privilege. consider that you are very lucky, that you are the best case scenario, and he is not. consider using the privilege you’re embracing to speak up for those of us who don’t have that privilege, especially trans people of color.

[zahmbie]

hi! I was wondering if you could do a Habit, And/or the marble hornets crew(any rlly), how they'd be with a trans man lover with severe dysphoria?

This was supposed to be out yesterday but classes took over oops

Characters included: HABIT, Jay, Tim, Brian

Content warnings for dysphoria, mention of needles (talking about taking T), and a brief mention of transphobia in HABIT’s section (not from HABIT)

HABIT

HABIT isn’t the most up to date on LGBTQ+ terms. He know’s what they are, he’s basically gender-fluid and he’s been around almost as long as humans also I hc Evan as trans, but he might need a refresher on the exacts of it.

He’s not the best at comforting, but in his defense that’s the opposite of his usual job. He gets better at it with time, calling you his handsome rabbit and talking about how masculine you look.

If anyone misgenders you, even accidentally, you won’t have time to react before HABIT is in their face and threatening them. You should probably pull him away before he gets the cops called on him. Again. “He’s a guy dipshit, call him a girl again and I’ll gouge your eyes out. You clearly aren’t using ‘em.”

If you’re at a point where you don’t have many masculine clothes he’ll let you dig through Evan’s his closet, but take fashion advice from HABIT at your own risk, dude dresses like he went through a Spencer’s in the dark.

If you take testosterone injections he’s more than willing to help. He’s got a pretty steady hand and… experience with sharp things. Actually kind of good at distracting you if you don’t like needles. He’s brought up doing your top surgery himself (if you mention wanting it) and you’re only 90% sure he’s joking. He’s confident he could learn how to do it with a youtube tutorial and one of his knives. 

Jay

Same hat! Jay’s also a trans guy! He’s not great with his words but he’s really good at cuddling (surprisingly soft for how bony he is) and listening to you. He’ll tell you he knows you’re a guy and he knows how bad dysphoria sucks. Not the most eloquently worded, but he gets it.

If you have top dysphoria, he’s given you free reign of his hoodies. He’s used them for his top dysphoria for years they work like magic. If you use one of his expect him to wanna borrow something of yours. You walk into his room looking for the sweatshirt you left and find him asleep wearing it.

Jay’s also willing to help you get more masculine clothes, he’ll go shopping with you but his tastes in clothing is super plain. Complete opposite end of the spectrum to HABIT.

Jay’s been using t-gel for a few years now specifically because he doesn’t want to give himself shots. If you take t shots he’ll offer to help you with them but he’s better at emotional support. Hand holding champ of the year.

Tim

Tim’s got the least knowledge on the subject out of anyone on this list. He knows you and Jay, and he knows that being trans is… a thing that exists? You might wanna actually talk with him about this cause he’s basically clueless.

He’s surprisingly good for support considering he barely knew about the topic an hour ago. His hugs feel warm and safe and he says things with such confidence you can’t help but feel better. He’s got some solid advice for passing if you feel like you need help with it, but he’s also good at just listening if you wanna vent about it.

If you wanna take T-shots he’ll help you. His meds and smoking make his hand shake a little, but if he braces it against a table or whatever he’ll be able to do it just fine.

He doesn’t have a large wardrobe, but if you wanna borrow one of his flannels you’re more than welcome to it. Tim’s also got a pretty decent sense of fashion, probably the one I’d most recommend going clothes shopping with.

Brian

Brian’s the best at comforting you by far, he’s great with compliments. Dysphoria’s mentioned and he’s already up and telling you about how handsome you look. He tries out new compliments and affirmations every few days and he’s gone from “Lookin’ handsome today!” To just saying “That was pretty manly of ya.” Over random little things you do, smiling at you like you’re his whole world.

He’s also probably your best choice for help with T-shots if needed, he’s already got a good idea of what to do and he’ll distract you. He asks about your day while doing it, giving your hand a gentle squeeze and making sure you don’t hold your breath.

His hoodie is also available for use if you want it! He’ll take you clothes shopping if you want him to, but if you mention wanting something baggy to wear say no more! Brian’s taking his hoodie off for you as you speak.

[cjoatprehn]

Survival Financial Request!

My mom’s been filing for bankruptcy, has been extremely financially stressed lately, and trying to get me over to her has been really stressful. She’s a burn victim from a Yankee Candle catching on fire on Halloween, she received 3rd degree burns on most of her body for trying to save her support dog. Between support animal costs, food, rent, and hospital recovery, she’s in dire need of aid. If y’all could and are in a position to help, could you send some money over, please, to help ensure she will be able to at the very least have some pressure off her shoulders? And a sweet note, if you want to—? Thank you…

Adding to this post-

I want to make clear I’ve been struggling to keep us and others afloat, and now I’m at a point in my life and health where I am no longer able to do so. They’re cutting away more food stamp money from many households in the legislature not just ours, and I’m in the process of moving to my mom’s to help out. And also—

I’m kinda Flipping out right now. I don’t want to lie, with the US being a 3rd world country now. I’m flipping out because last month…was the last month they would be giving food money in the 100s. With food so high and Rent higher. SSI—I don’t even know. …I’m smiling but I don’t know what else to do. My moms still recovering from 3rd degree burns, surgery, and trying to get me there, and I’ve learned that the Aunt that had control of late great grandma’s reservoir for funds…Help won’t last long.

I’m scared, and I’m losing hope. I don’t want to go out as the person who Fucking struggled and suffered their entire life, never got to flourish. …I’ve never thought of making a gofundme again. Every time I’ve made one it never reached anything. And…I-can’t even maintain a savings for long. If we run out of money or assistance, then my mom stops getting treatment. Her dog doesn’t get food or treatment…and we’ll lose the little we have left.

She doesn’t have any friends or many connections outside of herself or her former government job. So—I’m just—like—trying to convince her to.. at least accept my help. I know everyone’s not in the best financial situation to help but—I can’t continue giving good energy to the universe from an empty cup…so I really appreciate the support..!

For record only, no longer helping someone who wants to gaslight and abuse me. I’ve been evicted as of May 9th, 2023. I found a place to stay for last night and possibly tonight. After that I’m on the streets. I’ve accepted I might not make it. I’m bedbound forced to rest by my body and disabilities. My phone has been deactivated by my mom only to discover she can’t reactivate it due to my phone being 6-7 years old. It’s too old to be reactivated with its old line.

But…hey…I’m no longer at my abusive home situation. I don’t wish to tell my dad’s side of the family. My mom prolly let them know anyway. I don’t know for sure though.

…I’m so flipping screwed. Had to deactivate my throne, due to no longer having that address. So…I’m just.. Here. Waiting. Watching my time come closer.

Thread of some of the abuse from my mom. I don’t feel like typing it all here..

https://cjoatbysamwise.com/donate-to-cjoat

…I’m scared. But I don’t know what else to do so I’m accepting my fate and situation for now at least. So.

Here’s to updates..

Late Update:

Got yelled at, insulted, and screamed at by my mom through text. She’s called AT&T to lock everything down; I asked her for my account information. When she didn’t answer for the next 5-6 hours. I had AT&T send an email and a text to her & asked her for what they sent her. I got accused of hacking. I’m Not getting my phone line back.

Oh and to top it off, she sent me a picture of Storme laying outside of where I used to sleep. With Storme saying hi. I relayed a message to Storme. It would be a goodbye unless we meet again.

…So I’m unable to exactly…Do anything so. Just…Trying to calm my heart rate down…It’s been elevated all damn day…and increasing..

Good News: The Situation has Partly Cleared!

I cued a erasure on the iPhone 14 Pro Max, which my mom gave me and then took away from me after snooping through my iPhone 8+ and kicking me out, as soon as it connects to the internet; that way, my mom gets to return the phone, she gets her $1K+ back, problem solved. However, twice my mom sent 2 “Reset Apple ID Password” pop-ups on my devices, which…fuck off, mom, tf?

In response, after checking with the select few, I have changed my Apple ID email, because she doesn’t know my Apple ID password. I will be working with Apple Customer Servicee to ensure she can not steal my Apple account through Screen Time (which is possible). Conclusively:

I have a bed and address, temporarily but for awhile, unsure of how long, definitely more than a few days. Right now, until things stabilize with assistance, I don’t have to pay yet, despite being willing to. Currently slowly getting out of survival mode. Many of my stuff remain at my mom’s. I am able to get another physical SIM for my phone. Throne should be showing and working now, because I now have a new address, temporary while I figure what to do from here. I am no longer am able to draw due to my stylus breaking and my disc tips running out. Still got to get back. Laptop is out of commission until I get a new laptop charger, or until I get my old one back. That’s the update for now.

…I’m…finally going to heal, now that I’m safe and in a warm & accepting, and lax environment.

Still going to need assistance, thank y’all so much for supporting me so far.

[sharpth1ng]

I really like your idea on em both being rich kids lol, very interesting bc to me personally Billy is actually pretty poor. idk I mean I know we don’t see Tatum’s house or Randy’s either but the fact we never see a single thing about Billy’s sounds odd to me. Vs Tatum who has her own car and Randy with his odd collection of colorful (probably expensive) shoes.

there’s also the fact he’s on his dad’s income only who, from the real brief looks we got at him and the fact he slept with the town’s most likely ‘wellknown’ prostitute if that makes any sense, feels like some sleazy, struggling lawyer type.

I know in lore or whatever (wiki page lol) his dad is described as a powerful Woodsboro lawyer but considering this is the same lore that has Billy getting someone pregnant and can’t even decide the ages of the main cast I’m looking at in-movie evidence instead.

the only thing that kinda tips it to him being richer imo is the mobile phone he drops, or more precisely his dad’s phone - but even then it’s again his dad’s and not his own one. his dad who likely would need it as a work expense, but can’t afford to buy his son one and doesn’t care to.

anyway that’s my entire crackpot theory (I have even more but I wanted to spare your ask box from this already long thing) just to say that I really like your take on him being richer too

Hey thanks! My own personal theory dump below:

I've seen a lot of takes with poorer Billy. Tbh I think based on what we see in the movie it can go either way, we just don't really have the info. Also, not to nitpick, but we do see Tatums house, that's where Sid sleeps over after Billy gets arrested and there's also a breakfast scene there in the morning.

To me, Randy is actually probably the least wealthy member of the group, he's the only one that we know has a job, and the shoe brands (mostly hush puppies) he's wearing mostly wouldn't have been super expensive.

In my opinion we don't see much of Billy's home life because we don't see much of the real Billy at all until the reveal at the end. We only see as much of Stu's as we do because the finale takes place in his house, and imo more of Billy's home life would have made him more obvious. I have to imagine his room is full of horror merch lmao.

Honestly I don't really read Hank the same way as you do though. Maureen isn't a prostitute (not that theres anything wrong with sex work), she's a housewife with an extremely wealthy husband (aside from Stu's house Sid's seems like the biggest), so I don't really feel like the affair says anything about relative wealth.

In terms of the lore, tbh I don't actually think it's totally out of character for Billy to get a random girl pregnant. I chose not to do this in Debaser because I've decided to not make Sam canon in my own work, but I could totally see him deciding he needed to "practice" with some girl before Sid. I think he probably hooked up with her at a party, had a mediocre time, and never spoke to her again because he's an asshole. Not at all joking this seems fully in character for me.

My personal hc is that Nancy was a housewife, so Hank would have been carrying the family on a single income anyways. Even if we assume that she was working before and they lost that income, then they would have only been on a lower income for a little over a year, so I don't really see that as the makings of a poor Billy.

Also, we know from scream 2 that Nancy had enough money to get major plastic surgeries (enough that she was unrecognizable to Sid) and also paid for Mickey's tuition, so that's going to be hundreds of thousands of dollars. On top of that she's not working during the events of scream 2, she's doing the fake reporter thing. Based on that Nancy Loomis is either a rich girl by birth, someone who had an extremely high paying job before, or she got a lot of money in the divorce, which would require Hank to have had a lot of money to give.

In terms of the cell phone thing- cells weren't super common for teens to have in the 90's, as far as I can tell one of the first movies that shows teens having cell phones is clueless, which came out in 1995, so it doesn't necessarily say much to me that Billy doesn't have his own in the movie.

In terms of Hank, when we see him he's wearing a nice suit, it's up to date with trends in 96', meaning he's got enough money to be staying up to date with his wardrobe and suits aren't cheap. Other wardrobe hints include Billy's white shirt being Calvin Klein, not a cheap brand for a plain white shirt. If Billy is less wealthy he's more likely to be wearing Hanes. At the very least I, a relatively poor person, am buying the cheapest white shirts I can. I get that shit in a five pack from walmart, I don't have the expendable income to spend over 50$ for a single shirt.

All of this is to say that at least for me it doesn't make a lot of sense for Billy to be poor, especially with what we know about his mom in movie 2. But thats not why I chose to make him rich.

Why Sharp chose to make Billy a rich kid:

So i've seen a number of takes where Billy is poor and Hank is extremely abusive, and that was something I wanted to avoid. In some cases this can feel to me like the poverty and physical abuse is meant to explain his behaviour and that feels a little oversimplified. I specifically chose to make Hank neglectful, judgmental and argumentative (emotionally abusive) but not physically abusive. It doesn't always take more than that to fuck someone up, and I also wanted Billy's rage to come from somewhere else, to be a little less obviously justified. His life isn't easy, but he still has privilege.

In terms of the wealth issue, Billy's character reads more as an entitled rich kid to me. He's out of touch with the emotional stakes of the things he's doing and beyond that he's got the time and energy to plan and carry out a murder spree like this.

I personally chose to write Billy as someone who doesn't experience a lot of consequences for his actions because his dad can pay them away, which he does because Billy has an effect on his professional image as a lawyer. This was particularly important for my trans Billy storyline, because the money would be necessary both to access black market hormones (would have been near impossible to get them prescribed at the time) and also because Hank would have needed to bribe the cops and the hospital to keep quiet so Billy wouldn't be outed.

Aside from that though I just think the rich boy no consequences thing plays well into how unafraid he is about what he's doing and how casually he does it. All of this is just my take though! There are lots of ways to read the movie and I made character choices about him so that they fit into the narrative I'm crafting, doesn't need to work for anyone else.

I always enjoy chatting movie theories!

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Rivals - 16

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Tori, Hokuto, Chiaki

Proofreading: moricchiichan (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Hokuto: The look on Akehoshi’s face at that time… I’d sooner rip my heart out of my own chest than ever seeing him make that face again.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: Soundproof Lesson Room

Tori: So Eichi-sama took a stand to make a change last year, right?

With fine under his lead, and probably Vice-Prez as his partner-in-crime…

Even using dirty methods he probably wished to hide from me, he wriggled out his hands to reach out for a revolution.

Hokuto: Yes. Trickstar wasn’t the first revolutionary; there was a story with the Student President as the main character before us.

There, I was a villain to be trampled on… Or rather, just one of the villain’s minions, a mook.

Tori: I’d say “Aren’t you still a mook?” …But I know that’s not right.

Anyway, maybe it’s because he was afraid he wouldn’t live long enough to see tomorrow, but Eichi-sama’s revolution was apparently super hasty, wasn’t it?

Like performing surgery with a chainsaw, as Yuzuru put it.

His goal was met, but it was so dangerous that of course there were victims from it.

Hokuto: Yes, and the prime victims were the Five Eccentrics.

Tori: Right… He framed them as villains responsible for everything.

Promoting his cause as just to unify people under him and gain support, he “subjugated” those villains afterwards.

That’s probably something that's happened in every country’s history… But it’s really atrocious, isn’t it. I'm shivering just imagining myself in their shoes.

Not that I’m one to talk, supporting fine and swallowing their pretty words whole.

Chiaki: I’m the same. I almost believed it right until the end. That justice also existed in this world… That they represented it.

Until I got deeply involved with Kanata…

I believed that the screaming, bloody mess being eradicated in front of me was a fictional evil monster, looking away from the reality that they were human beings; crying, laughing, and living as I do.

If that’s something to be blamed for, then I’m just as sinful, Himemiya.

Tori: Mm, that’s not it… I think it’s incredible of fine, of Prez and his group, to make me believe the whole time that their story was a story of good versus evil.

I can’t imitate that. I don’t want to, either.

Even so, fine kindled a new light inside the dark age. That isn’t a lie.

They resurrected the idol industry, when it had been fading fast since Sagami-sensei’s retirement.

No. Just to achieve that, they made sacrifices and fought.

But Eichi-sama was worn down and got hospitalized in the end, so things were put to a stop there, right?

Hokuto: …They’ve received proper punishment for their atrocities. No — They’re still atoning.

I can understand, as a sentiment, that there are certain things that can never be forgiven.

But the Five Eccentrics have all gotten back on their feet, while fine and the student council are looking towards the future, doing the best they can without giving in.

All so the idol industry wouldn’t wither away… So idols in general wouldn’t have to vanish from this world.

And most of all, so we could all shine even more than before.

Tori: Yeah. I think everything’s going in a good direction now. From here on out, the shining, brilliant era of idols is starting anew, isn’t it?

I want to believe that, at least. If not, it’s just too… tragic. It would mean the blood spilled from the people who got hurt, the sacrifices made, were all for nothing.

Hokuto: True. We’re both in the vortex of it all, as Trickstar and fine, so it can be hard to get a bird's eye view of the whole picture…

But as you said, Himemiya. The painful efforts and sacrifices made by our predecessors are opening up the path to a bright future.

What the top brass of CosPro did in SS was something foolish that could’ve destroyed it.

Something that could’ve tossed our world into hell. Reversing the hand of the clock back to the past would’ve rewarded no one.

It almost brought idols to an end… Even if that’s saying too much, it would’ve undeniably stagnated and sunk this era further into darkness.

Chiaki: Yeah. Even if they succeeded with their plot in SS…

All it could’ve brought them was temporary solace from getting back at the idols they loathed.

Hokuto: Father told us about their motive.

They must’ve really loathed idols. That’s just natural; they spent years being trampled, forced to serve us.

But that doesn’t right their wrongs.

The look on Akehoshi’s face at that time… I’d sooner rip my heart out of my own chest than ever seeing him make that face again.

Chiaki: Yeah… I was holding live shows and doing promotions to support you guys back then, but…

I couldn’t stop thinking about throwing it all aside to rush to Akehoshi’s aid.

I kept asking myself, “Why aren’t I an all-powerful superhero?”... I felt so powerless. I don’t want to experience that again…

Maybe a world where we don’t have to hate and hurt each other, a world only filled with love, is just a pipe dream…

But it’s the goal I aim for. And I believe that you guys feel the same.

Tori: Yup. Having more kind people will brighten the world little by little…

Ehehe. We keep making it all grand and about the world, when really it’s just idol business.

Hokuto: Fufu. That’s just the way it is; we’re all living in the same world. Essentially, these things concern every last one of us.

Chiaki: Yup. Also, a tokusatsu creator once said that although talking openly about the world or about love may be embarrassing…

Cushioning it with something else allows people to discuss it without shame.

That was about tokusatsu, but in our case, I think the cushion is the idol industry. So let’s exchange our views without constraint… All of us idols, together.

Tori: Yeah. Together. I think that’s the sort of era it’ll be from now on…

God died and the kings lost their authority, making our world a democracy. All of us are gonna have to poke around for a better future together now.

Chiaki: Yeah. Well, but even without us wearing our brains out, I bet Tenshouin has some grand scheme prepared already.

Hokuto: And my father, too. I get that impression from the way he spoke.

The idol industry, Yumenosaki Academy, CosPro, and Project-Saga… Just what sort of vision do they have in mind?

Chiaki: Hmm… Somehow, I feel like the groups that had been operating separately are finally uniting after arguing so much behind the scenes…

…And are trying to progress “the entire sphere” once they’ve gotten things in order.

Tori: Eh, what do you mean? Explain so I can understand!

Chiaki: Each one of us alone can’t become God, but we can make the same miracles happen if we unite… or more like…

Sorry, I didn’t exactly have anything concrete in mind.

Hokuto: Hmm. Well, it’s irritating to be moved around like pawns, so we should keep working our minds and speculate.

Tori: Yeah. The winners are always those who can steer the winds, so we should stay privy to the state of affairs. But without ignoring the work in front of us, obviously.

Chiaki: Fuhaha. That’s the most important thing, actually.

All we humble citizens can do is tackle our duties with everything we have. As for complex issues — Let’s just leave them to our politicians to think about.

But at the same time —

When their ruling takes an obviously wrong turn, we should all learn from Trickstar and incite a revolution.

Hokuto: Yeah. I have experience; leave it to me.

Tori: Talk about barbaric… As a member of Stuco, I’m leaning more on the politician side, so…

Maybe I should nip these seeds of rebellion before they bud? …Just kidding ♪

[ ☆ ]

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

[mildiva]

Against Talking, For Sharing Bathrooms

alright despite three paragraphs of my first draft getting deleted i will Bravely begin again

(Prescript: tumblr has marked this as “mature.” is it because of the word bathrooms? do they think I’m advocating for gay sex? scholars remain divided.)

scene: beautiful, not-quite-lazy not-quite-spring saturday. what else is a girl to do but go out dancing? i’d already missed a great party, perverse, the night before. frankly i expected it to be kinkier than a bunch of gay guys in jockstraps, but who else would pay $40-50 for a night out? or who else could? instead I’d spent the night trying to fit a very nice and hairy boy’s monster cock inside my designer pussy.

what was i talking about? right, dancing. the first thing i saw on RA looked good: A/S/L? at Neptune Room, hosted by Associate. A bar and a DJ I wanted to check out what could be better? I rotated a thousand outfits in my mind, landing on a slutty White Lotus guest look.

Whenever I go to a new bar or venue, I go straight to the bathroom so I can assess the pee situation and begin a preliminary vibe analysis. All gender bathroom? good sign. matrix on the TV? Also a good sign but points towards a nerdy clientele. as I started looking at everybody else in the bar I noticed one mean trans girl I know from around everybody else seemed… can I say this without sounding rude? Very 30- Somethings-bisexual-practicing-ethical-non-monogamy-coded. There’s nothing wrong with being that; I have a wonderful coworker who fits the description. However, not necessarily the group I most want to get down with or that I think will be the most fun to dance with. Unfortunately, my prejudices were right. 

I pee, I down a gin and tonic, and I shuffle my way to the teeny tiny dancefloor. Like, illegal basement Bushwick apartment bedroom. On a dancefloor that cramped, real dancers need every inch of real estate they can get it. So why was it filled with people standing there talking? As an empath, I get that not everybody wants to dance — however, the dance floor has a purpose, and if you don’t wanna dance, make space for the real dancing divas. Especially with music that’s supposed to be groovy as the party was billed! House, six different flavors of disco. hat is things and then switch to groove to die. Even punks need room to skank, and techno bros need room to move like those musical cactuses from animal crossing. Just putting it simply: if you don’t wanna dance, get off the dance floor, you can stand to the side or sit somewhere. Or fuck off! I’m not your mother.

Obviously, the crowding annoyed me to no end. So I get on Twitter and start complaining. This turns my night around. Ms. Gabberbitch69 told me come to Suns, a small theater frequented by film bros and film hoes where DJ Michelle Harvey was throwing For Your Pleasure, an Italo disco party. I chew on this, go to the bathroom again to take pictures (because I looked fucking good!). Aside from that, the only thing that’s really been a plus for me was a house cover (?) of a Björk song (Leash Called Love by the Sugarcubes) which frankly was the only reason I stayed as long as I did. When I came back to the dance floor people were at least two-stepping, so I thought I might stay for a while, but then simultaneously three different heterosexual looking couples started making out. When I saw that, I closed my tab and got my white ass out of there.  

A 10 minute drive and 30 minute parking adventure later, I roll up at Suns. I knew it would be good when I walked in and felt the temperature rise 30 degrees. Both floors were absolutely packed, so I put in my time waiting at the bar, one eye on the bartender wearing a top surgery scar tank. After my G&T is drained, I squeeze into a spot on the dancefloor and groove in my allotted half-square-foot of space. Some Japanese movie about… magical cats?… is being projected on the wall behind the DJ. It’s stunning. I don’t think I’ve intentionally gone dancing with a crowd that straight since the last time I went to Fl@sh (censored as to not invoke its demonic energy), but it was still a good crowd! I felt slightly out of place as one of five people dressed slutty but I made it work. The music was exactly as described: so 80s people should be doing coke off the tables.

(Okay coming back to this a month later I’ve dragged on far too long, lemme finish this)

I spent the rest of the night partying as I know how: dancing until I neared heat exhaustion, running outside to chat with friends of friends and friends to cool off, debating getting one more drink, sharing a bathroom and a bump with a man i was flirting with whose mouth unfortunately tasted too foul to continue anything with. The last DJ of the night closed with “Waking The Witch” by Kate Bush, a song I hadn’t listened to since starting SSRIS. So unexpected and dreamy.

Was I going somewhere with any of this? Not sure. Looking forward to the next For Your Pleasure though!

[queer-advice-hotline]

hii!! apologies in advance for the long ask- i am a rambler.

i’m genderfluid (any/all pronouns, afab (relevant to the discussion)) and so the idea of physically transitioning is. weird for me. because while some days i definitely want to be Shaped Different, i’m usually neutral and sometimes even euphoric to exist in my current body. because of this, my transition has been mostly social- i kept my name, got more pronouns, and started dressing in a way that made me happy- and i’m pretty chill with it! i don’t plan on starting t or anything permanent like that. HOWEVER, i’ve been looking at photos of people post-top surgery and there’s a part of me that REALLY wants that. i’m pretty happy with how my chest is at the moment (i don’t bind, and i don’t need to wear bras so no big dysphoria there), but i for sure have days where i wanna be completely flat chested. something as permanent as top surgery wouldn’t work for me, though. my “goal body” changes all the time. however, i still wanna be able to look at my chest, see myself (trans) there, and be proud of that part of me. i think even moreso than the flatness, the thing i’m most jealous of with top surgery photos is the scars. i know for a lot of trans folks the scars are a “downside,” but i’ve always found them gorgeous and a wonderful symbol of trans joy. i’d love to be able to keep my chest shape, but have top surgery scars as well. i’m considering getting them tattooed, but there’s a few things i’m still hung up on.

1.) i don’t know whether i’d want the scars to look realistic or more cartoony. i’m worried i’ll pick one and wish i picked the other.

2.) it still won’t be socially acceptable for me to be shirtless in public because i’ll still have visible boobs and i resent that idea

3.) i don’t really just want an imitation of the scar, i want Top Surgery Scars. if i get them tattooed, there won’t be any actual scarring. it’ll be visual, but the tactile part is important to me, too- the raised skin and all that that you can actually feel.

4.) i have a fear of needles, and finding a tattoo artist who is both willing to tattoo top surgery scars on me AND help me accommodate that fear sounds like a very tall task. also, i’ve never had a tattoo and don’t know how i’d respond to it!

i’m a chronic overthinker (if you can’t tell) and before i can even start to put this plan into action i manage to completely overwhelm myself with these worries. i know i want this, i have for at least a year now, but i have no idea how to go about getting it. how would i start looking for the right artist? better yet, is there some procedure i could get that actually gives me the scars without changing anything else? i know some people do scarring stuff for gender reasons, but i have no clue if it’s an option for me. any advice about any of this would be great. thanks so much! <3

There a few options I've found to recommend to you:

Intentional scarring for aesthetic purposes definitely exists, if that sounds like what you want. For that I would recommend look up some information on intentional medical scarring, there are websites where you can read for some information.

You can get breast reduction surgery, to get the actual scars while keeping some of the shape.

If you decide to get top surgery, you can get breast forms, to keep the shape when you want it, while being able to be shirtless, like you said you wanted.

Tattoo artists can definitely accommodate a fear of needles, that's super common. For that, call find some artists whose work you like, via social media, the internet, however you like. You can call the tattoo shop, email, or dm the artist to get in contact with them and explain your fear and what you need for that, as well as what you want done. they will be able to explain if they can/will do that and what accommodations they can offer.

As for the cartoon vs realistic tattoo, that's a personal choice, but having it edited or redone is always an option.

[kanamori-kamper-moved]

Saying I love you without saying it for Vetrix and Kazuma if you can :)

AAAA YES IM SO GLAD YOU REQUESTED THIS FOR THE ASK GAME I ALMOST NEVER GET TO WRITE THEM. Might be a little short but still!! I love old man yaoi!!!

Also trans Vetrix propaganda because FUCK YOU

-

Vetrix never enjoyed getting his T shot. It wasn’t like his kids did a bad job at it, well except for Quattro, but something about it felt so wrong to him. The prick of the needle and a bandaid being slapped on never felt like enough for Vetrix. There was always something missing.

Of course he didn’t hate it, it was his decision all those years ago to cut off all the rough edges and reject his humanity, and Vetrix, being the little freak he was, was perfectly happy with it. He didn’t need anyone to validate him, he validated himself most of the time.

But..

it never felt wrong when Kazuma did it.

He was soft, rolling up his pants to rub the spot he was to inject him with a wipe, and gently holding his hand. “Are you ready?” He asked with a smile, only to be met with a whined out nod of the head. But when Kazuma was around, the pain never lasted long. Squeezing his hand for a quick moment as Vetrix felt a quick prick on his thigh, just to dissipate after a few seconds. “See, It wasn’t all bad!”

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” The blonde could only blush, feeling Kazuma kiss his forehead. “Every part of you, I mean it.” And even though it was egregious by all means, Vetrix couldn’t help but love being smothered in kisses and cuddles afterwards

Nothing could replace that feeling, really.

Nothing could replace Kazuma and how fuzzy he made him feel inside, or how badly he craved for his company to the point he practically denied getting his T shot unless it was by him. Trey, absolutely embarrassed about having to call him, caved because of her undying loyalty, and just like a spoiled child, he’d gotten what he wanted. At least Kazuma wasn’t pissed.

Kazuma always felt so strangely warm, warmth Vetrix was absolutely desperate and craving for. Like a warm campfire.

Kazuma always had a thing for his body, to explore it as he did distant lands, and of course, to love every stretch mark and bruise and cut. Most notably his scars, always itching to touch and kiss them. The way he undid his off white shirt to trace his big fingers along his galaxy patterned top surgery scars couldn’t make him blush any harder, or the way he kissed and dragged his lips up and down Vetrixs pale chest all the way down to his abdomen, never failing to make him shudder. Or how he’d hold his hand and braid his beautiful blonde locks of hair, even if he tended to get them tangled most of the time.

He felt like a child when he was around, desperately needing for Kazuma to stay by his side. But.. how couldn’t he need him? Sure, it was selfish of Vetrix, but he shoved him love no one else could. Those vague memories of cuddling up against each other on his lumpy college dorm mattress, whispering, “You’re beautiful.” As he unbuttoned his shirt always rang out to him.

”Kazuma.. don’t go, please. Just a minute more.”

“Fine, just for you, little buddy.” Kazuma cooed, kissing his forehead once more.

Maybe it was okay to be selfish.

[dxfiedfxte]

Yet another thread relocation because this editor breaks too damn much lately T_T || @tacitusauxilium

✦✦✦~ Fuuka

“…I…lost Juno.” Fuuka whispered hoarsely, her eyes squinting in fear of Akihiko getting ready to yell at her. She clasped her hands together, trying to feel for her. She made sure Akihiko couldn’t get a word in as she continued speaking. “M-minato saved my life and it cost me my Persona. Minato’s shadow attacked me–through the chest–” Her hands shot to her chest, wincing in pain as she could feel the pain and lowered her eyes. “–a-and I can’t sense no one anymore! I-I can’t sense if anyone is in pain, if anyone is lost–I-I don’t want to be removed from the Shadow Operatives!” 

Akihiko listened to Fuuka’s woes; he was surprised that Juno seemed to have disappeared from Fuuka’s mind–heck, he didn’t know how Personas work but that they appeared. He quietly thought, and feared, that maybe the shadow that formed from Minato stole her Persona? He had never heard of it happening before–at least Mitsuru was getting the full story from Minato at this moment. Akihiko put a hand on top of Fuuka’s head and shook his head. “You won’t be removed–I’ll be sure of that. Fuuka, you’ve done so much for everyone then and now. I know Juno will come back to you. And if I am wrong, I’ll be sure to stop traveling the world and focus on college.”

Fuuka sniffed her nose, feeling a tickle of a laugh wanting to escape, but it stayed inside of her chest–she only nodded to his promise. Fuuka wouldn’t know how to act like a normal adult–go to college, become a doctor to satisfy her parents goals, and watch her lover have the freedom she couldn’t? She mentally shook the thought from her mind as Akihiko moved to reach for her water and snack and handed it to her. “…thank you.” Was all Fuuka could say as she clenched them closer to her chest.

Akihiko nodded and lowered his hand from the top of her head. “Come on. Let’s go back to the room–I’m sure Minato and Mitsuru want to talk to you and see you. Besides that, you need a bed to sleep in. Wouldn’t want Minato to get jealous of me carrying you to bed, right?” He joked, noticing that Fuuka didn’t really react quickly to the joke, and felt his heart twinging in sadness at how badly she was. Fuuka nodded slowly and felt Akihiko’s hand on her back, guiding her back to Minato’s room while feeling like an empty shell of a person. She was there physically but her mind was somewhere far away.

As he greeted her, the redhead kept her expression serious, but slightly gentle. While this was a serious discussion, it was still good to see him again, despite the bandaged and healing wounds, still in decent health. There was a lot to talk about, so Mitsuru would get right to the point of her visit and get Minato's full account of what happened, and what led up to him being in a hospital bed and recovering from a successful surgery, She had gotten the brief description of it, but she would need the full report, to better help assess what happened and what would possibly come next.

Booted heels click on the ground as she makes her way towards a chair by his bedside so she can listen. Besides, she was sure that this would be a bit of a long talk, so she figured she might as well sit down as they go over the event that had brought them here in full detail.

[{ ♕ }] - "As expected, you seem to be recovering relatively well. I'm glad. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time for a more adequate visit, so I'll get right to the discussion at hand. For now, let's start with when this shadow appeared, and what led up to the confrontation."

It was a bit of a shame that this wasn't a normal visit, Mitsuru had become a very close friend of his from their circle of friends, and everyone held a special place in parts of his heart, but Mitsuru wasn't just a close friend, she was also a mentor to him as well, she even went out of her way to ensure that the graves of his parents were being well-maintained and cared for to continue to respectfully honor their memory and that to Minato, meant so much. So, he wanted to give her all the details he could to help her further her investigation into the matter.

Taking a deep breath, Minato sat up a bit, albeit slowly given that he was still very early into the healing process. Closing his eyes, he begins to think, projecting the scene of everything that happened clearly in the back of his mind, grey-colored hues open, and he begins to explain, playing back the experience like a movie on a big auditorium screen.

[{ 🦋 }] - "I had just gotten back from a podcast, and Fuuka wasn't at the house, so I got worried. Only to get a picture text from her phone, but it wasn't Fuuka, it was the shadow... my shadow." One short pause as he revealed to her the identity of the aforementioned shadow that had been responsible for the state Minato was currently in.

[{ ♕ }] - "Your shadow? And you're sure it wasn't just taking your form? If this really was your shadow, then this may be more serious than I had originally anticipated." Minato's expression remains serious as he says nothing. The expression he wore was more than enough to tell her that he was serious.

[{ ♕ }] - "I see...please continue." She adds, convinced by the look on his face, she continues to listen to the rest of the recollection of what happened.

[{ 🦋 }] - "The text was a message, telling me to meet him at a specific location and it had a picture attached to it, a picture of Fuuka tied up, and she was hurt too. Needless to say, I rushed over. When I got there, he was waiting for me, and that's where the fight started." Minato continued to go over the rest of it, in full detail. He left nothing out. Moments later, he was finally finished.

Mitsuru remained sat in the chair for a few, carefully processing and pondering what all this could mean. Surely there was a larger scale to this encounter, ulterior motives involving a grand scheme. She had a strong sinking suspicion, that Minato wasn't finished with his shadow just yet, concerning, to say the least, but she had faith in Minato, he always seemed to find a way to go above and beyond every time, even in the most dire of situations. Regardless, Mitsuru was still determined to find her own share of answers.

[{ ♕ }] - "I see...I'm relieved that you were able to bring Yamagishi back and that you're still here with us. Regarding the shadow. At first, I thought that this situation was similar to Narukami and his friends with the way they awakened their powers. Yet, you were still able to use your Persona, so we can rule out any potential link to that. Still, it's quite concerning to think that a shadow could be that intelligent. let alone, enough to put together a plan to trap someone." She's quiet for a few moments before standing up from her seat. Before Mitsuru could say anything else, Minato stopped her by speaking.

[{ 🦋}] - "Mitsuru-san, there's one last thing I should tell you. I was going to let her tell you herself, but I wanted to give you a heads-up. It's the reason Fuuka is so down. For whatever reason, Fuuka lost Juno, and she's worried she's going to be removed from the team. I don't know how it happened, but all I know, is that my shadow beat her up pretty bad.. not just physically either..."

The sentence stops Mitsuru in her tracks, a single clicked heel as she stands in place to listen and take in what she has been told. It made sense, so that's why Fuuka looked so distraught. While her not having a Persona was a bit of a big deal, Mitsuru couldn't even dream of letting Fuuka go, she was one of her close friends, and also one of the best handywomen she knew, especially when it came to technology, removing her from the team completely would be absurd.

[{ ♕ }] - "Juno is gone...? That's horrible, and also very strange. I've never heard a case where a Persona disappeared from its user's mind entirely... I fear that your shadow may have somehow been responsible for it. Remove her? Unheard of. I would never remove her from the team. If it came down to it though, I would just put her in another part of the team, one that is good for her natural talent. Anyway, thank you for your report Minato-san. It was very informative, once I speak with Yamagishi, I'll try and see what I can do to help."

After the discussion ended, and on cue, the sound of footsteps, could be heard outside the door, Minato had hoped that at least, she would be able to eat, she needed food after what happened Upon the door opening, Minato gave Fuuka a small smile, while Mitsuru gave a slight one as she took back her card. Now that Minato had explained, she understood that losing Juno wasn't Fuuka's fault, there was just something more to it. Just as Mitsuru had theorized, it was most likely his shadow that was the cause of it. Minato just hoped he would have enough recovery time when the time to face him again.

[{ ♕ }] - "Ah, Yamagishi. I've just finished speaking with him, so if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to you now and get you're account on what happened, please do include as much detail as possible, the more I know, the better I can be of assistance."

[englishmagic]

Want to help me figure out my gender journey? Enjoy a rant!

And I’d also genuinely appreciate thoughts from enbies and other trans people because I don’t know what I am doing here!

My therapist recommended I dive into the deep end of my Gender Issues and find out what, if anything, I want to Do about them. And I… Don’t know where to start. Do I want top surgery? I mean I’m not gonna lie I would love to have less büb, but I’m also not sure I want to go through surgery again for something that’s so close to being cosmetic. But it isn’t really cosmetic is it. But if I have doubts because I worry that it’s just a vanity thing then that probably means I don’t want it enough and therefore don’t need it. But is that just internalised transphobia that sees gender affirming treatment as silly and superficial stuff to be compared with lip fillers and nose jobs and people cramming their faces full of hideous Botox because they’re afraid of aging? Because it’s not the same as that. But maybe I’m kinda scared that it is the same as that.

And t? I have no idea. Because I don’t know what it would do. And I don’t know what the end goal would be. I’m nonbinary, so that’s one thing, and even if I did land on ‘male’ as the gender I want to present as, what does that even mean? At what point would I be man enough? What is just right? What do I want? I’d want the fat redistribution so I can be chubby without having Feminine Curves or being mistaken for pregnant. I’d like to be able to grow a beard, not just flimsy sideburns. But those aren’t necessarily the things that would happen. You can’t just tell the hormones to give you the changes you want; they might just, idk. Make me hairier and smellier and nothing else.

I do want to masculinise. I just don’t have an end goal in mind. My end goal is just… Feel less like shit about myself. Look in the mirror and see me more than 40% of the time instead of the stranger I see in there a lot. Go out into the world with some sort of confidence that at least SOME people will look at me and not see a woman. That’s part of what worries me; that it’s not so much what I want to be as what I don’t want to be. Or, what I am not, I guess, because I’ve long since made peace with being Not A Woman and increasingly I want my social role to reflect that… somehow. For reasons that are hard to define because fuck what people think about me right? But there we are.

I usually regard my gender as “no thanks”, but that’s a difficult thing to define physically. All I know is that I’m not happy with how my body is and what it does, and I’m pretty sure, though not 100% confident because when am I ever, that it’s down to gender dysphoria just as much as it is down to general body dysmorphia and internalised fat shaming. (I’m not even that fat; it’s just settled in uncomfortable places and I’ve outgrown some clothes I don’t want to throw out.)(but I do feel the weight of generational body issues on my shoulders and it complicates every single bad thought I have about my physical appearance.)

Do I mind being ugly? No. Honestly sometimes the person in the mirror is a lovely looking lady and I wish so badly that I could be her. But I’m not, and honestly I’m sick of trying to be, and in some ways it feels dishonest to go around looking like this fictional person who, while lovely, does not exist and cannot deliver on the promises the outward appearance makes. I’d gladly look worse if I looked more like me.

But then, what is looking like me? When I think of what “I” look like, I think back to when I was an androgynous teenager, when a lot of my gender ambiguity was down to my thin gangly physique, which I’m obviously not going to recreate. Like, I’m not looking to become thin. I’m looking to become androgynous, I guess. And what does that mean in a bigger body? In an ADULT body? Is it easier then to just aim for “male” and decide I will hop off that train if it ever feels like it’s too much? I do feel a lot of Feelings of kinship towards trans men, especially older trans men.

But medical transition also feels like too big of a decision, too drastic, too much of an upheaval. I know that I want to feel better and I know that treatment might be the key, but it also feels fucked up to see my identity as a condition with a medicalised cure, you know?

But then again, it’s the depression that is the condition, not the identity. The depression is the thing I know I have and am taking pills for and showing up to therapy for, and which my therapist says might actually stem from my issues with identity, and might improve if I work through some of those - potentially in a physical way. Aka, trying to see if I would qualify for t or maybe top surgery.

Honestly it’s stupid to even think about these things because I’d have to qualify and I’ll never qualify. I’d have to go the private route, and we all know how I feel about private healthcare services and giving them money…….

In summary, afsgskhasnksdhakajal. Thank you and good night.

[vizthedatum]

Tattoos are gender-affirming self-care for me, I’ve realized. At least until I’m ready to start T and stuff.

But I likely won’t have enough money saved for a tattoo until a couple of months :/ maybe longer :/ idk. It depends.

(And I want a huge one for my next one)

—

I’m having my period right now, and while my most recent supplementation and medications are helping a lot with the pain and fatigue… I am feeling still so dysphoric.

It feels dysphoric to bleed.

—

Intellectually I know that estrogen has nothing to do with gender and gender expression, but I haven’t even started applying my vaginal estrogen yet (I got it for my bladder condition and also various pelvic stuff going on) because my lizard-trans-brain is like “that’s the wrong HRT!!”

Blah.

—

The various body dysmorphia is bad today too.

I hate my neck hump and I know I have it due to bad posture, weight gain, and my stressful life.

I wish I had skinnier arms like I used to.

Would people even believe that I’m a swimmer when they look at my fat body?

I want to be attractive to people like I am now AND like I want to look in the future.

—

I can’t wait to be pregnant one day.

—

I feel so sex-repulsed lately except for some circumstances. It’s so unusual for me.

Conversely, I’ve been good at being sexual with myself - something I’ve always struggled with.

I know I’m demisexual but now that I’m unmasking and unpacking my past, I feel like… idk.

Sometimes I feel like I have no reason to want to be sexual, and I don’t want to justify it.

—

I want to be sexy and not dysphoric. I want to be sexy and not dysmorphic. I want to love myself more.

I only want sex with people who respect me, and I have been doing that lately!

—

And I think I’m just really really sad right now.

I feel like I’m letting a lot go lately - my past, people from my past, past crushes, past versions of me… and everything seems scary and unknown.

A part of me is in agony: what if I am never financially stable enough to have a child? Or to even go after my dreams?

And who would even co-parent with me?? I’m trying to budget for this alone.

Honestly if I can’t reach my financial goals by age 36, I think I need to move on and get on T, get top surgery, and move on.

Maybe I’ll have the means and the life to adopt when I’m in my 40s.

Maybe a wanted pregnancy isn’t written for me.

[shotorozu]

Hello. I got into a car accident and I was with my younger sister too. I got 2 surgeries and I don’t remember much. My younger sister got a few stitches😞 I feel horrible like an older sister.

Was wondering if I could request a head anon of where reader gets into a car accident and the characters react to it. (Tamaki, izuku, shoto and any of choice. Sad thing is my FUCKING Spanish teacher won’t respond to me and I have really bad grades on that class 😢 ( ´༎ຶㅂ༎ຶ`)

Thank you and take care also Safe driving

s/o getting into a car crash

character(s) : bakugou katsuki, amajiki tamaki, todoroki shouto (bnha)

legend : [Y/N = your name] they/them pronouns used, quirk’s not specific

headcanon type : fluff, comfort (x reader)

note(s) : 😦 omg i hope you’re doing okay, anon- your spanish teacher better respond to you or else >:T

»»————-　♡　————-««

bakugou katsuki

when he gets word that you’ve gotten into a car crash, his hands crack with mini explosions— dropping everything to literally run to wherever you’re at

“damnit, damnit, damnit! where the hell was i when that happened?!”

appears a lot pissier than usual, in reality— he’s just really worried, and he can’t slow down his heart palpitations!

“calm down bakugou!”

“calm.. CALM DOWN? RIDDLE ME THIS, ASSHOLE—”

hm okay, so lets say that you were in the passengers seat when the crash happened

katsuki will probably want to find whoever was the driver, and just absolutely go ballistic on them, but probably ends up not doing that when he thinks about what you’d feel

and lets say another driver crashed into your car— katsuki will search high and low just to find that said driver, and he’ll show them hell

and if you crashed into a poll or something, he wouldn’t get too mad— but he’ll still scold you, and lecture you about driving safety

when he finds out you need surgery, he’ll be so upset

“what do you mean SURGERY? who the hell crashed into you, and why do they have a license?! they’re a danger to society!” he sounds angry but he’s quietly yet impatiently waiting outside for the surgery to be successfully completed

cleans and takes care of your remaining injuries, doesn’t matter if there’s a tiny little scrape on your forehead, or if you’re left with a bunch of broken bones.

he’ll be nursing you, like it or not.

he doesn’t let you leave your bed during your recovery, he insists— and you have an idea of what’ll happen if you try opposing katsuki 💀

don’t ever be worried about your grades! you have a smartie as a boyfriend, so he has probably made an extra copy of notes that you’ve missed

and he’ll probably argue with a teacher if they refuse to cooperate because,, YOU ALMOST PASSED AWAY?? is that not a valid excuse?

“i get that you’re really busy, but they literally almost died— how is that not an valid excuse? Y/N’s a hard worker, and a good one! and i will not rest until you understand!”

it might seem a little over protective of him to do this, but katsuki won’t EVER let you drive a car alone for who knows how long, he’ll be there with you just to monitor your driving.

that is, until you gain his trust back— that you could drive without almost losing yourself

amajiki tamaki

for him, it feels like the world is going slower

when he gets a call that you’ve gotten into a car crash— his anxiousness shoots through the roof, and it’s causing him to assume the worst of the worst

he’ll feel so guilty though, tears welling up in his eyes as his entire body shakes just thinking about you in a hospital bed

because,, where was he when that happened? how did he only learn about this now?

eventually, mirio and nejire calm him down to the point that they could properly bring him to the hospital you’re staying at

without him shaking like an old nokia

knows not to blame anyone, regardless of who crashed the car (he’s not confrontational anyway)

yet, he can’t help but think about how things would’ve went differently if he was there

feels frustrated to the point that he starts tearing up when he finds out you needed surgery, and even when you tell him that he can’t be guilty because of you

he still is 😔

anyways, when your surgery is completed— he eventually musters the courage to just put all of his nervous feelings aside for now, and take care of you like the sweetheart he is!

knows a shit ton of food (courtesy to his quirk) so he cooks you something new everyday during recovery

during your recovery, tamaki isn’t fond of the idea of you walking around, doing things as if nothing happened. he ends up making sure you stay in bed, by staying in your room for days

it might take a while for him to be reassured that you won’t accidentally end up in a ditch again, but for now— you’re carpooling with the big three

worried about your grades because of the time you’ve missed during your recovery? no worries! tamaki made an extra copy of notes, and basically summarized it in a way you could understand!

it’s a rollercoaster 💀 but at least this made tamaki take initiative, even without being pushed to do so!

let’s just say, mirio and nejire are really proud of him :))

todoroki shouto

he’s been wondering why he hasn’t seen you in a few hours, and on top of that— he hasn’t been able to contact you

like,, at all. but, he thought you were just feeling ill— so he decided that he was going to head over to your place after his tasks were taken care of.

but that’s all forgotten, when he finally gets word that you’ve gotten in a car crash— and that’s why you weren’t there

he literally freezes in place, and his reaction was almost like he saw the endeavor-nomu fight all over again.

the idea of his love being in critical state, made the normally calm todoroki placed in distress

after being calmed down by his fellow classmates, he quickly abandons whatever he was doing, so he could rush to the hospital

currently, you were in surgery. he appeared pretty calm on the outside, but internally— he was a mess. though, he did have to keep it together for you

when shouto finally meets you out of surgery, his gaze is soft “hi love— no, don’t stand up! just stay there. do you remember what happened?”

your description of it all isn’t the best, but he couldn’t blame you at all

if another driver crashed into you, it’ll be an intimidating encounter,, he won’t be physical, but his words will be harsh— not even caring about the fact that the driver is literally quaking in their shoes

and if you were in the passengers seat, shouto will briefly look at them with pure disappointment— he can’t really help it,,

but he can’t find himself being mad if you were the driver, he’s just glad that you’re still with him as you could tell, shouto’s only soft for you

immediately goes shopping for groceries after he takes you back, and you’ve guessed it! he makes you soba, since you’re fresh out of the hospital

insists that you stay bed ridden, and you can’t seem to oppose— since he’s giving you the softest of gazes.

unintentionally isolates you during the entire recovery stage, because he’s so absorbed with taking care of you— that he didn’t even think if you wanted to see your classmates

not that you’re complaining,, you get to see shouto and only shouto for an entire week or so!

he lets your classmates and friends see you after a bit, but he insists that they don’t speak too loudly— worried that they’ll accidentally ache your head

(that’s when everyone found out about shouto’s great caretaking ability)

worried about your grades and classes? shouto will handle it. he’ll reach out to your teachers/professors, and he’ll try to make some negotiations, he makes sure to tell them that you were taking time off because of a health emergency

will he immediately let you be in a car by yourself after? hm,, maybe not— it’ll take some time for you to be able to drive alone again. if you need to go somewhere by car, he’ll accompany you :))

he will NOT let another accident happen, not on his watch! his heart wouldn’t be able to handle it

»»————-　♡　————-««

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i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission