#because I don’t know who IM meeting
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Oh would you look at that……. Magnus Archives. I can’t draw for shit nower days but I’ll try!!!!!!
#the magnus archives#fanart#the magnus archive fanart#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#melanie king#sasha james#timothy stoker#saw 2004#meet the artist#but make it observe the artist#It’s not really a meet is it#because I don’t know who IM meeting#so there’s a certain flaw with that phrase#michael the distortion#elias bouchard#daisy tonner#jonmartin#deep down I’m a silly guy#so I hope you like my taste#COMMISSION ME PLEASE#PLEAS#PLEASE#Michael Sheen
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vent
did not expect kissing and realizing i’m lowkey dating a guy to send me down an existential spiral of reminding me that i have only one life to live and then i am going to die without living any other different lives
#but i’ve been wasting time not exploring at all!!#doesn’t have to be a forever person it’s just an experience#but still#it’s really weird and idk!!!!#and if i date this guy fr i would have to like go on birth control probably and holy shit i do NOT want more medication#and what if i meet someone else?#i don’t exactly want to commit y’know???#but i’m halfway through my twenties and i don’t know how much time i actually have and if i think about it too long i hyperventilate#which WOULDN’T HAPPEN if i was just continuing on with being safe and alone!!#and what about women?? i love women!#but when i really love something or someone i go crazy about it#i lose myself#so maybe realistic and neutral is better?#am i neutral?#i don’t fucking know and my friends for the most part aren’t quite grasping what i’m trying to say#like yes i overthink and yes it might not be that deep to anyone else including the guy#but it NEEDS to be that deep. to me.#because that’s how my brain fucking works.#i don’t take shit lightly and i never have#that’s why i’m better off alone#or with people who are also deeply unchill#but this guy is so chill! and it does make me feel comfortable!#but it’s also like bro is this conversion therapy am i conversion therapying myself?#my entire identity for more than a decade has been based off being single and independent#and the lapses in that are times in my life that i see myself as unambiguously pathetic and embarassing#with men and women#i feel like a fucking unsocialized semiferal cat that wants affection but also doesn’t know how to accept it#and do i even want it? or is it want i know i should want or what would be good for me so im just slowly forcing myself into it?#it’s so much easier. so much simpler. to not have to freak out about this stuff.#sorry for venting i know it’s annoying it’s just fuck man…
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God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it
in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean
in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it
Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow
#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think#im missing the people i never really knew#and im stuck echoing their words to myself#it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you#who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go#i dont know#it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself#how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable#only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years#and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!!#and i probably will forever to some extent!!#and it’s such an awful feeling#but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain#that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed#there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing#idk#idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes#and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes#god just ignore me
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btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage
#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isn’t him wanting not to go#its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) it’s EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf#literally just think about it as the meme of ‘when i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of us’#and the whole ‘neil not knowing how to take no for an answer’ thing…… dont get me fucking started#the kid who’s had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious?#being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when he’s got his mind set on something—#—is NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people#he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sides—#—because their understandings of the world don’t fully align at that point in time/the movie#which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align?????????#i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didn’t want to go the dead poets meetings because it’s so obvious he DID#he was just scared#and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful#but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to#if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) i’d never do SHIT dude#and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH#‘i appreciate this concern but i’m not like you’ IS about neil’s voice and opinions mattering to people but it’s ALSO about—#—him being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there#WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!!#the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT#its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be#he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more#and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person#like yall PLEASE#this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic#i blame the FUCKASS novelization…. dps book you will always be hated by ME#dps#dead poets society#neil perry#todd anderson
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idk man like sometimes people are doing important life stuff while also buying groceries idk what to tell you
#like I’ve been on the phone with so many of my clients while THEY are buying groceries like.#these are people who bust their asses every day struggling to make ends meet#like single moms of five kids and you’re mad because they’re trying to multitask.#and you work in the market as a checkout girl….#I know things will get better……#GROCERIES IS SOMETHING PEOPLE LITERALLY NEED idk maybe im reading this wrong maybe this person works at Zara#in which case I might understand a little more but I still don’t get the anger really. who wants to talk to customers at Zara
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on a scale of 1 to 10 — 1 being the least and 10 being the most — how confident are you in surviving an imposter sagau situation?
short answer: i, a non-native in terrain i’ve only ever navigated with 1) a glider 2) no fear of death 3) via a vessel 4) with a map, against various well trained armies, all hellbent on killing me? you’re funny.
now, the long answer…
the long answer, of course, depends on your preferred brand of isekai, as well as the various traits within that. i will… attempt at brevity, but cannot make promises. oh, and there’s no particular order to this list.
1) blood. i myself am more inclined to blue over gold, but that doesn’t matter for this topic. what does matter is if its present and if it manifests immediately.
2) teyvat. is the earth on my side? do the plants and animals know it’s me, or do i need to ‘prove’ it? does it resent me for whatever reason? what’s it’s level of influence (which sounds dumb, but do i have the power of earthquakes and storms or just a few animal helpers?)
3) the imposter situation itself. is there a physical imposter already there,and if so what’s their level of influence? origin? i’d rather go against a wayward traveller than celestia’s puppet. do they have powers? how does teyvat react to them, if at all?
4) speaking of, celestia. are they on my side, the fake’s(if there is one), or staying neutral? what brand of sagau are we even using here? i know i made a post about my version of sagau lore, but one of the key changes since then was celestia. what version of lore are we following?
5) teyvat’s people, emphasis on vision wielders. do they have that subconscious Know? do their visions act up? how do the people overall feel about the one on the throne, if there is one? if there isn’t, is celestia involved in their opinions somehow? what about the traveller, or my vessels?
6) my influence. what can i do? do i have creator abilities, and if so do they take time/some other cue to manifest? is it something i train, or just Click one day? what level? is it an element by element basis, like the traveller, or does that not apply to me? do i have an inventory? if so, can i access the character menus? the map? waypoints? can i move my party, still? do statues of the seven heal me, does food heal me, how do hillichurls and various abyssal beings react to me? ancient gods, such as rhodea (i spelled that wrong) or dvalin or that fucker in the sea outside liyue (yeah i. forgot his name) or azhdaha or yo(u?)kai, if i’m in inazuma? where are we in the in-game lore, by the way?
7) teyvat, again, but this time in terms of biology. i have a few headcanons about teyvat, notably that their gravity is lesser (less fall damage), weather less severe (global warming), and is overall much more temperate/cooler/less humid (global warmingx2 and also just a touch of idealism), so do these apply? this ties into the other points about teyvat, i guess: does the earth let me get cold? can i just shelter in dragonspine?
8) plot armor, for lack of better phrasing. will teyvat let me die? oh, and do i get timeloop’d, or kicked back to my world? do i die, go to my world, then go back to teyvat when i sleep/next log on/whatever? again, tying into other points about teyvat, but will it protect me from death? is my skin like impenetrable or something, or whoops, god is dead, sorry. if i revive in teyvat, is it like that one recent piece i did where the earth moves me? what happens when (if?) i die? does teyvat take revenge?
the long answer… is that it depends.
#m1d : [chats]#hi. i’m midas. and with every answer i give im always told to ‘take it at face value’ or to ‘stop reading into it’#nice to meet you. i couldn’t answer a question in econ because i was thinking about details over just An Answer#and then i couldn’t even lie and say something because my answers matter to me and i can’t just LIE to a teacher#i regularly get Fs in social interactions and As in english classes. call that autism swag#(if you’re curious it was ‘what fictional character would you have as a friend’ but i fixated on the semantics)#(are they coming here? am i going there? do they remember their source or know i don’t belong? i’d feel guilty taking them away and they-)#(-might miss somebody ! is it a ‘go to a reality where they were always here’ and if so would they be who i think they are?)#(i ended up lying anyway with ‘i read too much into the question’ bevause that ISNT too much those are PERFECTLY LOGICAL QUESTIONS TO ASK)#(to neurotypicals it’s ‘reading into it’ to me it’s a little something called ‘critical thought and also empathy’)
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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Glass child on the internet: “I have experienced profound emotional neglect throughout my childhood due to the pressure and unmet emotional and sometimes physical needs forced upon me since my parents were very busy taking care of my disabled sibling. Thus leaving me with severe emotional scars that I deal with to this day and it’s very invalidating and triggering when people don’t listen to my perspective or understand the gravity of my situation.”
People who put “neurodivergent” in their bio and self diagnosed with seven different disorders: “IT’S NOT THE SIBLINGS FAULT!!!!!!”
Glass child: “I never said it was—”
People who think they have autism because they are very interested in something and sometimes get overwhelmed: “Oh, so you’re ableist? You should probably just kill yourself. No, you definitely should kill yourself. Like, actually do that. Stop crying because mommy and daddy didn’t pay attention to you. Yeah, you’re a lost cause. Kill yourself pls”
#this is fr what it’s like sometimes#mostly on tiktok#but you’ll see it here too#no seriously most of the time when non glass children see a glass child sharing their story#the first response is ‘yOu KnOw iT’S nOt YoUr SiBLiNg’s FaULt’#I FUCKING KNOW#I NEVER SAID IT WAS#LITERALLY NOTHING I AM TALKING ABOUT IMPLIES MY SIBLING IS AT FAULT#IM LITERALLY SAYING MY PARENTS#it’s so fucking ironic because a staple symptom of glass children later in life is being sensitive to feeling unheard#and when we tell our stories#(not to sound like an absolute boomer)#everyone just has to make sure to defend the disabled person WHO ISNT EVEN THERE#THEY AREN’T HERE#it’s so bad on tiktok#and not to rustle any feathers but it also does happen here#that’s all I’m saying because I don’t want to be cancelled#it’s just so delicious that I lived right next to autism 24/7 the first 18 years old my life meeting many others with the same disorder#effectively being so familiar with it I basically have a step below understanding of the disorder than people with the disorder#I was the fucking shadow I was there#and the second I share my opinion#someone super familiar with autism and it’s complexities#suddenly I’m an abliest asshole who hates autistic people#and I suck for blaming my sibling even though I literally never blame my sibling#rae’s rambles#delete later#glass child
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i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!
#purrs#imbeing insane about it i know it’s not that simple / reductive and i will still feel like shit abt myself once im in a relationshp (if i#get to be ♥️) and there are lots of other legitimate reasons to feel shit agtbyiurself. but it’s like no ficking wonder i feel inadequate i#am a 24 year old who lives at home and has never held a hand or whatever next to two 50sometjinf year old married men with pets and phds. of#course i am going to feel inadequate and stupid and lonely. like i canttttt 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and th w worst part is you can’t just go out into#the world saying that and looking for that it has to find you so i will not join any dating apps or whatever but i don’t fucking go anywhere#so im not going to meet anyone and i knowi am so young and stupid and just having a horrible day that is reminding me of horrors. but the#way i am mentally shoving my whole fist in my mouth. OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DONT HAVE A LIFE PARTNER!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE THAT#SAFETY AND STABILITY AND TRUST AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!!!!! AND I NEVER HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#delete later#like this is what makes me crazy abt parents and kids too and whyi don’t think ihave kids. bc i think (and i know this is wrong / unhealthy)#it is a primal human need to be mutually someone else’s number 1 person and when you have kids it’s like you’re gonna love your partner more#than the kids and then the kids (read: me) watch that and get fucked up over it. but also that could just be me reacting to the UNSPEAKABLE#psychological damage of being a twin. which again is ridiculous bc it’s n out like abuse i just had to share something with someone else si#since before i was born and ofc there was more like actually kind of abusive stuff on top of it LOL but that aside. idk what im saying i#just feel so crazy. the amount of composure it takes me every day to not start SCREAMING with frustration and envy when i see ppl being#RIGHTFULLY DESERVEDLY visibly confident and loved. like ok valentines grinch go sit in the drainage pond forever please. but it’s so crazy#like how are you supposed to go through the world unaware of how much love you’re missing out on because you’re young and then you realize I#it and then somehow you miss the train and you are scared you are going to d*e alone ♥️ im normal
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TEHEHEHEEEEE ITS ALL COMING TOGETHER…
#okay. aeryn trusts mr warlock (need to think of a name. im think Zhander for some reason) and mr warlock sells him#haven’t figured out the details of who to and what happens to aeryn yet but i do know this.#is tied to how he meets The Real Gortash. cos at this point they’ve met but i think aeryn blew him off and gort wasn’t having that.#so. he does some digging on him. finds out about mr warlock. captures him. tortures him. breaks him.#corners aeryn in an alley. ‘you’ve been ignoring me and i can’t have that. we can - we WILL. be brilliant together.#and to demonstrate my goodwill. here is the fuckhead who threw you away like you were nothing. i have broken him. for you.#do whatever you want with him anything at all. cant you see? i am so much better.’#oh and karlach is there also he’s the one dragging mr warlock on a leash. because i love pain.#it’s their only interaction and they don’t even look directly at each other but it’s Significant.#why is gort’s ‘love’ language with aeryn gifting him slaves#anyway i LOVE this i’m chewing on it i wanna write it so bad.#your daily dose of idiocy#oc aeryn#aeryn and gortash
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Yo fr fr those things are exactly why I stay away from twt fandom, twt is already the trash bin of humanity but it also applies to fandoms imo 💀 Also went back on Insta recently and tbh sometimes it's not much better... like... I'm so sorry those people count as fans
like. okay. im sure they mean well, you know? im sure this is either very well intentioned, or a lt worst, it’s a bad attempt at a clout chase. and as someone vernon biased of course i want to see him getting good opportunities and being recognised for more things. but when every single argument in your big mistreatment thread can be disputed by ‘hey, maybe he didn’t/doesn’t want to’ or ‘he was fucking busy?’ ………
there are leaves on trees out there, man. grass on the ground. birds, and shit. getting outside is good for the soul n maybe some people need to give it a try
#💌 - mailbox.#💝 - nonnie.#this isn’t very sunshine rainbow cupcake core of me I know. im sorry#would I have loved to see a black eye music show stage? of course I would’ve. are u kidding. but it didn’t happen for whatever reason#maybe he didn’t want to / maybe he couldn’t / they were touring and busy and it dropped over the holidays but it was also awards season /#maybe the song wasn’t deemed to be appropriate for that / we just. don’t. know!#(but this is from me who likes to imagine he went into a meeting and said ‘i’m only doing a band live ver if you let me say fuck uncensored#so maybe im not the person to talk to about this matter specifically 💀#don’t get me started on ig fanpages either there was one I had to unfollow because all they ever posted was about how woozi would cry if he#saw all the height jokes online. as if the one time he mentioned it he wasn’t responding to someone asking if he got taller by saying#don’t joke about that#like. no fr tell me do you think he’s actually weeping himself to sleep at night over being 5’5.#im sure he can wipe his tears with all his awards babe. I think he’s okay. his height is not some great secret#he isn’t t*m cr*ise standing in boxes to not look tiny in frame. he is aware. we are aware. it does Not matter to anyone how tall he is 😭#I went on a tangent SORRY. anyway im done now. jesus wept😭#it’s rough out here
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many thinky thoughts are being thinky thunk
#this sentence is so funny to me rn im giggling#anyway#thinking about how i’ve met so many wonderful people in college in just this past semester#like. i’ve one of my bestest friends who is one of the people im going to be living with next year along with two of my other#bestest besties who i went to hs with but absolutely adore. i love all three of them so much#and then there’s a whole group of wonderful people from a club that i joined that i’ve been so thankful to call each one of them my friends#when i genuinely went into that not knowing if they would end up not liking me because i was sick during the retreat and couldn’t initially#meet them or anyone else from the upper committees#and then i unexpectedly became the best of friends with a ta from one of my classes and i love her she’s so great#not to mention all of the other wonderful people ive met randomly and dont see that much but appreciate nonetheless#im so excited to meet even more people next school year when i start joining new clubs#whenever i get asked ‘whats one thing you want to do while youre here’ and i always answer meet new people#i absolutely love and adore meeting new people and the college i go to has more than delivered that#it’s genuinely so welcoming to be here and it feels like the home i haven’t felt for the past year and a half#i truly don’t think i would’ve connected very well with people at any other college than i have this one#like obviously i would’ve adjusted and odds are i would have been fine but i really do just love it here#the people and thr atmosphere and the campus and everything makes it so worth it#post about loving my friends turn post about loving my college#brought to you by a BeReal one of my bestest besties posted with the caption#‘missing our fourth piece’ aka me because i am currently not back at my college yet and thus am not with them#when i tell y’all i started sobbing my eyes out upon reading that#anyway. i am getting too emotional for 3am and i think this is just a jumble of thoughts and words#so i am going to bed (hopefully)#lacey talks
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going to go eat dinner and see how i feel about my roommate after
#jaytalking#our ra wants to do like. a check in meeting which makes sense#but like. my roommate went back home for an orthodontist appointment and was like. tonight won’t work#but is back now. and got back to the dorm before i did from class. and it’s not like the meeting is meant to take forever#so it’s just like. ugh. now i have a very small window to get dinner in before i work tomorrow and also im like. playing fuckin intermediary#bc my roommate doesn’t have the app we use to communicate with our RA so i’m bringing that up tomorrow!!#bc i don’t want to do that shit for any other potential meetings. bc i also did this for the roommate agreements#it’s like a punishment for wanting to have thing planned#though also fuck my RA for just randomly texting me about it last night like dude. you know what else is possible? a timesheet for this shit#anyways. we’ll see if the time even works tomorrow#godddddd i want to scream but i think it’s just because im very hungry#i did survive class though. was not hungry then#though i am pissed off about this person who complains about doing critique like it’s an ART CLASS#EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO WITHOUT COMPLAINING. SHUT UP!!!!!!
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i need to stop remembering sorority stuff. need to erase my mind fr
#kelly babels#sorority tag#no cause why am i remembering the pr event that i planned and ended up getting vertigo day before#to the point that if i laid down i was dizzy and didn’t know where i was#and i had to text the president i couldn’t go#but since i just said i was sick and people said that i was out partying with my sister all night (a lie#she told me to suck it up and go#i told her no and we had to have a conversation where she just yelled at me saying she knew i was faking being sick#that i was out partying with my sister and i didn’t care about the sorority and if i was sick i needed to take some cold medicine and suck#it up. (and also said that i was telling people i was going to party WHEN IM NOT EVEN A OARTY PERSON)#i just stared at her then said ‘im pretty sure i have vertigo and after this meeting im going to the health center to get treatment because#i couldn’t even lay down without being dizzy and being in an elevator made me want to barf’#and i then had to explain how i never said i was partying and explained it and she said ‘i don’t know who to believe anymore’ to save face#when she fucking knew i was right#god i need to stop remembering this sorority jfc#this wasn’t even the worst ableism i dealt with in that story#why am i remembering this?????
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for someone who does not believe in the divinity of christ, it sure is sus that I stayed up until 3am praying the rosary and thinking about jesus.
#I had a really bad day#and my soul needs some cleansing#I’ve been thinking about God a lot#and angels#and prophets#I wish I could have a friend group who would meet with me under candle light#burning incense#drinking wine and eating homemade bread#we read holy texts and pray#but like we can meet eye to eye#and be equals#but I don’t know how to express my faith in a way that I can connect to others#and im struggling because of it#i’ll stop rambling now
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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