#be nice to me or ill cry
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"only eat until you get full" IM QUITE LITERALLY A GLUTTONOUS PIG ?! I DONT GET FULL YOU DUMB FUCK
#im just a girl#hell is a teenage girl#be nice to me or ill cry#cinnamon girl#female hysteria#girlblogging#girly stuff#it girl#girly things#girlcore#girlhood#coquette
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— i’m in love with a dying man
rating: mature. or explicit? i’m not sure. angsty study on grief in unconventional forms. (mild) smut purely for poetic reasons
word count: 4,1k
pairing: viktor x gn!reader
cw: terminal illness. several mentions of death. everyone is horny in a heartbroken way, so grab a napkin—but not for the reasons you think. and yes, you may dox me for making you even sadder after whatever happened in ep 6.
—
He licks a tear off your cheek, and it seeps in between the bumps on his tongue, all prickly salt running down your face in two glossy trails of sorrow. Stinging, when his calloused thumb swipes over a puffy eyelid, only to inevitably fall to your lip and tug, nudging your mouth agape. His desperate grip softens when you oblige and arch, letting him grunt over the slope of your throat; wheezier than you remember, raw, rhotic and ravenous. The hard shift of his lungs is palpable under your hand, ruckling heavily in his sternum. It almost breaks down to a cough when he cants his hips into you, slanting one last slow, weak slam. Spilling all his pent-up frustration deep inside you through that bitter orgasm, leaving a clumsy mess of stickiness to dry on your inner thigh. Stilling for you to hold him through that collapse, grateful for the shaky hand that you firmly fist into his hair. Not receding until at least a few kisses are strewn upon your shoulder.
It’s always like this now. Viktor clings to you, and you cling to him, nails digging into handfuls of him hard enough to draw blood, each embrace so tight your ribs might just break if he doesn’t retreat in time. And god does he wish to let it linger, to drag it out until eternity tumbles in—even if his eternity is reduced to a question of mere months at best, even if he must crawl out of a casket to have your touch back.
The night you almost lost him still has you in shambles. You remember it all too well—hell, it’s almost like that acute smell of hospitals and doom still coats his skin, more slimline than it ever was, its once ivory shade fading to chalk-like disaster. The utter horror of crushing verdicts, endless heaps of bloodied handkerchiefs and palms so cold that even the heat of your breath fails to make the feeling of him any less chilling.
The dark humor of sneaky death: she’s right around the corner, the cruelest of all mistresses. Ready to snatch him away whenever your fingers ghost over his spine, stroking a languid count over each prominent vertebrae. And no matter how tight you curl up beside him, she will supplant you, and her proximity can’t be measured in miles, feet, or inches. Because death is a termite—she gnaws at his very heart. And blooms metastases everywhere you still have him. She’s inside him. She’s merged with him into one.
At first, you denied it. Knuckles drummed against the wall in a frustrated fistfight, painting that scabrous canvas bright with your frustration. White and crimson—the speckled pattern of your hysteria. You recall how bad it stung, and how shame creeped up your spine—frightening and so, so sticky. Throttling, when he tended to that self-inflicted disaster, bandaging your smashed hand in motions sick to the core with gentleness.
And it felt so ugly. Like you’ve grown to loathe everything around you: the doctors, for their disgusting prognosis; life itself, for being hardly fair. And even Viktor. Especially him—for slowly slipping out of your pale-knuckled grip. Well, red-knuckled, more like. That angry stunt did cost you a decent injury. White and crimson, remember?
Naturally, grief doesn’t always progress by the book. However, denial always comes first. It’s an axiom, an invariable component, and you’re sitting on Viktor’s hospital cot, hand in trembling hand, eyes snapped wide and ferocious. Wrapped up in fear while the silence rings in your ears.
His doctor addresses the quandary. It doesn’t feel vicious—at least, not yet. Flimsy, more like. Deceptive, too. Like if you just blink it away hard enough everything will snap right in place, and you’ll find yourself at home again—where that aseptic smell of medication can’t reach either of you.
Well, of course, there’s always a possibility of postponing the inevitable. Winning over a year or, even, two—if Viktor’s lucky enough, that is. But you both know that he’s lacking in that department.
And yet, you grab your little hope by the throat: to look into later, when your comprehension is intact again. Surely, it’s just not plausible: so what if Viktor’s cough pulls you out of sleep every night, so what if every shirt he owns has tiny blood stains on it? Yes, he spends more time in bed than he does at the lab. He’s simply tired. He needs the rest. Not in peace.
The retraction doesn’t linger, though. It survives a few more blood tests and a lengthy, dreadful discussion of his calamity—most strikingly frightening when the doctor talks him through each option. And not a single one manages to appease you. To stop your fury from retching out and causing an ugly scene.
So you fling the door to his room ajar and leap inside with a bitter scowl, teeth gritting hard enough to crumble into powder. Arms a tight crisscross over your chest, step wide and listless—punctuated with a muffled clack of heels. Viktor’s eyes follow your tremulous circles—a lazy, sheenless flick of pupils, each widened into a bleak void from the rancid dose of painkillers. He lays supine, with his hair ineptly slicked back, umber waves awry, loose and sweat-damp. He’s almost mellow, tongue barely a glide over his chapped bottom lip—a martyr-like stiffness, the carrion of a man.
But you don’t look at him. You pace, and pace, and pace—in that same tiring route, all around his creaky cot. Viktor rasps something indistinct—a muffled plea that tickles the back of his throat, rupturing yet another coughing fit. You silently hand him the speckled handkerchief.
He looks up, eyes the saddest shade of buckwheat honey—dark with remorse; seeking comfort. But you don’t have any to give. You stare past him, gnawing at your tongue hard enough to draw fleshy copper. Dodging the kiss he tries to press to your wrist—pulling yourself back and out of his loving grip, igniting a staring competition full of glassy eye-daggering. Blink slow and borderline drowsy.
“Milackú,” he pleads. Pulls at the corner of his mouth to wipe the bloody evidence of his withering.
Your tear catches in your bottom lashes.
“Milackú,” he rasps again, kicking the blanket aside. Stepping one bare foot on the cool tiles and reaching for you: arms, legs, and heart—all yours for the taking. If only you consider crawling under his minty sheets again.
You don’t.
“Why?” It’s so meek you barely recognize it as your own. Taut throat tightens even more, and, suddenly, you’re choking on a gasp. “Why did you turn down the treatment?”
“Please, if you could just—“ He husks, but you can’t hear him through the ringing in your ears; the room already smudged into wattery, astigmatic lumps, Viktor’s face but a bunch of fuzzy dots you’re struggling to make out. All missing jigsaws, blurry little fractions.
“What did I ever do to you?” You yell, shielding your eyes. Turning away from the arm he extends, his weak fist clenching to grab thin air, then tumbling as he stares at his palm in sheer dubiety, upper lip trembling.
He winces. Ceases you by the hand and tugs as hard as it gets—frail enough for you to easily nudge him away—but you don’t bother this time. Your knees ungainly bend into shaky arcs, drifting apart when he clasps around you and pulls until you finally land on the sheets next to him, your tears mingling with his cold sweat—a salty fusion of mutual suffering.
Then comes a sequence of guttural, squealing whines and you stay twined with him for a while. Lithe fingers run through your hair, spreading to untangle an occasional knotted strand—up, and down, and over your shoulder in a caress. His lips purse on your temple, sucking an indistinct kiss. His heartbeat trails off under your fingertips the second you rake them over his thin hospital gown, growing frenetic again when you tug at the fabric, demanding closure.
“Please. Please don’t do this to me.” You exhale your choked up entreaty into his neck and it pours over his skin in a rigid breath, aftertasting of stinging desperation. His hand seeks your face, taking a forcefully gentle hold of one puffy cheek, drinking in your unsightly, woebegone rebuke. Looking at you like a repentant devotee, his timid eyes meeting your fierce ones.
“This is not about you,” he wheezes, too stern for your liking. Presses his forehead against yours and holds you through yet another shudder—and there’s no avoiding his pleading stare. “I’m not trying to get away from you. I merely want to escape my conundrum.”
“These aren’t mutually exclusive, Viktor,” you hiss, voice simmering with betrayal.
“Unfortunately.”
“Unfortunately?! Is that all you have for me right now?”
“I’m afraid so.”
He sighs like he means it. His words keep slipping away from him, drowned in coughs and ambiguous humms. You get it, though. Your semantics became sparse the minute Viktor almost died in your arms.
You melt into one-another in a teary, sniffling twine—simply breathing, trading tense silences. His stately stance collapses into a lifeless hunch, straightening a bit only when your fingers billow over his shoulder-blades—chiseled like ones of a famished dog. There are plenty of dog-like things about him now—the pleas lodged in his glances, the newfound hunger for your touch. Especially for the way you’re holding him; every embrace like a loving headlock—and the pressure soothes him.
“I’m tired of taking risks,” he finally whispers against your temple. “All these… labored efforts for mere fractions of peace. Decaying steadily. Constantly hurting. I’m spent.”
“Exactly. Which is why you need the treatment.”
His lashes shudder against your cheek in a prickly tickle. They keep fluttering when he recedes, shaking his head with a bitter frown.
“But its success is… highly improbable.”
“Yes, but there’s still hope—“
“It’s running thin as we speak. I shouldn’t squander it on… the imminent.”
Viktor’s irksome choice of words had you springing backwards in glossy-eyed delirium. Staring in disbelief as if he’d requested something inexorable: which he did, inherently so.
He curses when tears slice your face again—tends to them with the softness of a man most contrite of his omission, shaky hands already catching holds of your waist, using your temporary pliancy to swiftly nudge you into his cot. Curling up close enough to have your weeps reverberate in his sternum.
“I’m sorry,” he repents with a deep rasp. “Please, don’t cry.”
He held you in reticence again: this time horizontally. Offered you every solace his body could provide: your fingers in his hair, fumbling mindlessly (he put them there himself). Tangled legs. Apologetic neck-kisses. His head heavy on your shoulder, its weight a welcome tranquility. And only when your last tear soaks his pillow does he commence with his explanation.
“I don’t want to spend what little time I have left miserable,” he tells you, drawing a breath. “Yes, the treatment might win me a year—a year I would spend bedridden, nauseous, and weary. A travesty of life. An illusive salvation. I’ve had enough of those.”
Your hand stills in his hair, nestled within unkempt strands. You’ve run out of tears, so this bitter truth is met with nothing but a piteous sigh—the only thing you can still master after crying your heart out into his skin. Now you can only stare at the ceiling, chewing on your cheek in cruel denial.
He’s right. He always is.
Viktor sees the shift in your face—knits his eyebrows together in tender pity, tucking himself firmly against your face. Wincing, when he feels the aching tension in your temple.
“I know I’m asking a lot of you. Too much, even.” He’s sincere when he says that, and you can sense the gratitude in his voice—for even allowing him to utter this excruciating of a thing, for attempting to understand.
You simply nod. Yes. It is a lot. But you want to hear everything he has to say.
So Viktor continues.
“I would hate for your last memories of me to be tainted with despair and hospitals only for all the struggle to go to waste when I inevitably pass away. I have no desire to postpone this torture at the expense of growing indifferent towards everything that makes me feel alive.”
“But what if we manage to cure you?!”
“That’s too much of a ‘what if’ to risk dying a grim death for. I want to die…content. I want to enjoy myself before I do. Please. Don’t take that choice away from me.”
His eyes brim at you with every ounce of guilt he possesses, big tears wallowing in his eyes like an earnest plea—tacit, weary, earnest. Yes, it’s not like you have a word in his terrific decision, but Viktor wants your blessing. It’s only right that he includes you. Even if he’s intending to refuse the treatment regardless. As absurd a bid as that is.
You clasp his face like it’s about to vanish. Like you won’t be able to make it out when he’s gone if you fail to remember it right this instant, your gaze frantically jumping from one feature to another, seeking to embroider the image into your very eyeballs. Roaming over the artifically-white hospital light hallowing every streak of his hair. Indulging in a bittersweet smile when you note how prettily it spills over the pillow. Lingering on the patterns in his ochre irises—almost fully swallowed by his void-like pupils. Observing how they match the insomniac, mauve shades under his bottom lashes. Tracing every convex little thing—two lovely moles, thick eyebrows, the pointy mouth. Everything you’ve grown to love so dearly. Everything his illness keeps taking away from you.
You wince, cradling his cheeks, your thumbs dipping into the hollows of them gently. Urging him to scoot closer—eye to eye, lips on lips. Breath over shuddering breath.
“Are you sure?” You mouth the question on his skin, barely even uttering it. Hot pressure meanders into your head like a prickly impulse. It’s timid like motion sickness—borderline nauseating, too—all murky splashes of trippy lights under your closed eyelids. And the unease is diluted only when he finally kisses you—an approbatory, guilt-ridden thing.
He’s certain. And for that, he’s so, so sorry.
You try not to think of it, focusing on the feeling. No tongue, no teeth: just sheer tremor and so much rawness. A soft, soothing exhalation straight into your mouth like the gentlest of placebos—and yet, it works for you, slaps your pulse out of its frantic antics, and the stiffness slowly leaves your limbs under his touch.
When it’s over, he winces at you in that sleepy, adoring way of his. Attempts a wry, sad smile. The cold light besieges his head into an even clearer halo—a foreshadowing of what is to come, an inconspicuous little thing. But everything about him is conspicuous to you. Loving Viktor has made you wary, and you wanted to hold onto that attention to the detail before it eventually slips away alongside him.
“Are you sure?” You repeat, tightening the inadvertent chokehold around his neck. The grip weakens only when he pulls away to clumsily clear his throat.
“Yes.” And you know he means it when his face turns just as solemn as when he confesses his love to you.
“I’ve had a nice life with you,” he adds, hoarsely. “I want it to feel nice when my time comes, too—whenever that might be. Sooner than later, I presume.”
The figurative knife in your stomach twists anticlockwise.
“Will you stay with me?” He dares to inquire. Meek, shaky hope tingling in his throat. “For however many months I have left?”
And when you look up at him with a hurt frown, he’s reminded not to ask you rhetorical questions.
—
A few days later, Viktor is discharged from the hospital and insists that you both go back to normal. Well, to the new, tainted definition of it—where one spoiled napkin less is considered an ephemeral improvement and grief is a fixed variable by your side.
Your slow-paced, quiet life that keeps turning even more timid in a frail attempt to savor what’s left of it. Faux preservation, but he allows it—savors it just as earnestly as you do, and your weeks weave into a darling, familiar routine. With some minor, necessary changes, no less: rest comes before the lab now, all deadlines fashionably late to accommodate this newfound tempo. Mandatory hourly breaks. Weekly check-ups. Four days off for every three he spends bent over the parchment. But this time, he doesn’t protest. His body demands it, inconveniently so.
You don’t tell anyone about your horrific arrangement—not yet, at the very least. It’s all you can think about, and the words threaten to slide out every time you speak—but you’re forced to swallow them with a smile so lopsided that everyone around you can only suspect the worst. A mantra of countless ‘What’s wrong’s irritating your ears with pure sincerity.
What is wrong with you, indeed? You’re a spectator to death—not just any death, but the one you dreaded most. And not only are you witnessing it in the making, but this decision was never forced—you handed Viktor the choice and accepted whatever he went with so obediently that it felt absurd, and it had your skin crawling every time someone vaguely mentioned anything even remotely related to his condition.
But they—whoever that refers to—could never get it. They wouldn’t know what it’s like: to be stripped of your selfishness for the sake of Viktor’s peace. Defying your needs. Forcing yourself to find relief in demise. You might’ve failed to intimidate her into allowing you to keep him, but you could still accompany him into her arms and make it glorious. Here it is. Your new, appalling reason. It’s all that you want now.
Or is it?
There’s plenty of nobility in being his chaperone—welcoming him into bed every night, painfully aware that it can become his death one. Treating every new invention of his like a soon-to-be postmortem legacy. Mourning the living. Anticipating the inexplicable. Marking every shared kiss the last, just in case.
But then it came—unabashed and sudden. That blurry line where mourning merges into something dubious, a confusing paradox that leaves you full of filthy carry-over somewhere within your gut. The scorch his lips engrave into the column of your neck. The way it ignites a swell you can almost convince yourself is actually tangible, running your fingers over it recursively like a tactile little prayer. The gaze he throws at you across the lab ever so sneakily—a figurative punch that feels surprisingly close to a kiss. And you never resist turning it into one. Escalating. Claiming. Indulging those ambiguous, yet-to-be-defined things and having them wash over the remnants of your decorum.
You try to fight it when it first happens, but it doesn’t last. There’s no place for restraint in grief—not when it turns into a beautiful desire to be all over him, to take everything life has to offer before he runs out of it. And Viktor doesn’t judge you. He encourages it. He craves it, just as bad—if not more—than you do. How many more undoings can he claim before the final one absorbs him? You’ve already lost that count. So much for having your love bleed on every inch of his skin.
Tonight you let it bleed mouth to mouth—a sweaty, heartfelt thing that commemorates your hunger for him in a kiss so dizzying that he has to lean back with a silent, breathless plea for brief interlude—foggy eyes staring up at you so devotedly. Shuddering, when your arms wander over his chest to feel the rasp, pointed lips bruised full of spit-slick swell. He’s a beauty—exquisite, albeit worn-down, his lines and angles blurring together into one eager, contourless essence, and you cage him in a firm straddle—your bare thighs over his clothed ones—grinding in a whiny attempt to reach him through his pants.
“I’m sorry,” you mumble, leaning back to let him breathe. He’s sprawled out beneath you, tortuous hands already busy with tugging his tie off—impatient, clumsily nervous. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” you say at last, averting your gaze almost shyly. His fingers lurch to your hip, locking it in a gentle cradle, stilling above your backside in hesitation—asking for a laze caress, pushing your flimsy limits. As if forgetting that you never set those for him. Or, perhaps, he simply likes hearing your excited ‘yes’ every time. You can’t quite figure out which it is.
He grabs a handful of you with reverence, and yet there’s something resilient about that grip—like he dreads that you might slip through his fingers if he doesn’t hold on possessively enough, staring up at you with his head thrown back in a curious, admiring droop. Aiming to dispose of your shirt in a nimble pull. Plotting a sequence of kisses from neck to collarbone.
You expect it when he rises on his elbows, then grips the bedframe to shift beneath you in a silly leap. Inelegant, but he couldn’t care less, releasing his hips from the hedge of your legs to make you slide up his crotch instead—a most welcome, brusque change that you adapt to in a squealing instant. Your moaning mouth agape under his grin. His hips thrusting through restraining fabric. Shaky. Erotic. With your arms tumbling astride his shoulders.
“Don’t apologize,” Viktor insists in a lulling whisper, switching to a cautionary nip on your ear. “I’ve missed you, too,” he confesses somewhere into your hair, brushing through it with a tip of his nose—breathing you in through a tender whiff.
Your words get lost in a deep fluster, rolling back into your throat and lingering there in a suffocating lump. They have you stiffening, heavy eyelids squeezing shut—a voluntarily blindfold to help you explore him through touch only. An invitation to feel you where he pleases. And, well—it just so happens that your whims align with his—a cohesive, welcome collateral.
Viktor starts at the slope of your shoulder. Pulls the shirt down and traces that lovely curve—fingers first. Throws a brief, askance glance at your face to make sure that your eyes are closed, and, when met with the flutter of your lashes, gets back to his lovely tease. Tender, warm lips taste your skin with delicious, savoring sounds. Getting wetter when his tongue makes a fickle appearance—leaves a slick, capricious lick in the dip of your collarbone, fluffy hair tickling your face when he bends to tend to your chest, too—and you shiver as he sucks a plum love-stain that you’ll proudly wear under your shirts.
“See,” he cooes. “Whatever gets into you must be contagious.”
You give in to a half-lidded peek and find him begging for your assistance—a sweet request that you understand in half-nod. Arms up in the air and over your clouded head when he unleashes your skin from the thin garment—throws it on the floor for you to find later in the morning.
“But it feels wrong.” You sigh. “Ever since we found out…”
“I’d rather you quit talking about that in bed, please,” Viktor reproaches, eyes heady with want. His fingers slide into your underwear, contemplating its fate—should he make it join your shirt or pull it to the side in hasty fashion? Either approach had him shivering at the thought.
But the sudden sorrow stops the rush, rendering your urge for consolation. It wraps you around him all over again, legs locking in a tangle around his waist, drooping hands combing through his hair in a brusque, fervent tug. Seeking succor. Heart to heart and thumping an anxious march.
“I’m afraid,” you admit, but it’s not a revelation. All shuddering shoulders under his idolatrous caress, and you pang with guilt at that, too—it’s you who should be fondling him this delicately, warm reassurance seeping into his ears—not yours. But Viktor wants to be your comfort. If anything, it’s the only thing on his mind.
“What are you afraid of, beloved?” A little shiver at the unforeign endearment—a rare occasion. His thick brows still drawn together in a concerned arc. They relax only when you rake your fingers down his body—counting ribs, toying anxiously. The hurry is gone, there’s only caution now: his enamored eyes, waiting for you to find your slippery words.
“Of losing you before I get to show you how much I love you.” You whisper, suddenly tasting teary salt in your mouth. His thumb comes to the rescue, swiftly flicking the wet trails. So you chuckle at the affection in a silly stagger to bump sweaty foreheads together.
“Nonsense,” he insists. “You’re showing me right now.”
“Indeed.” You shrug. “But… Is this the right way?”
And when he puts your palm over his eager heartbeat, you’re reminded not to ask him rhetorical questions.
—
tags: @zaunitearchives @blissfulip @nausicaaandhermouth @thehistoriangirl @vyshnevska
#viktor arcane#viktor fanfic#arcane season 2#viktor x reader#arcane season two spoilers#viktor angst#viktor smut#viktor x reader smut#viktor x gn!reader#viktor x f!reader#viktor x m!reader#viktor x any reader really#not specified AT ALL#wrote this in severe writers block so please be nice to me#im serious ill cry#arcane fanfic#arcane angst#viktor arcane angst
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Marvel Meow (2021), Nao Fuji | Professor X and Magneto
Bonus:
#xmen#xmen comics#cherik#professor x#magneto#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus leshnerr#snap scans#i dont scan ever please forgive me for. Everything jvAE:KJ i tried my best to match the purple as how it looks in person#i love the purple used for this whole comic .. its really nice#all the comics have different colors its neat yall should check it out if youre able. its a lovely silly collection#BUT GIRL PLEAAAASSSEE IM CRYING#as a part of my Visiting My Family For The Weekend trip my bro and i went to the store#and i told him about the wolverine cat comic and the whole collection and he found it while we were browsing ....#naturally i got it. because i love the idea of cats being heinous freaks ESPECIALLY to my faves#this all did happen because of a cat. btw. phoenix possessed one while scott and jean were baking a cake#which had everyone trying to catch it. leading to. this. jWLRAKJAWRLKJKJ#this is 1000% has 'we'll be back by 8PM please keep the house clean' vibes i'm sobbing LIKE WHERE ARE THEY RETURNING FROM#also can i just say ... i love it when american comic book characters get the manga treatment#idk i just love it ... i esp love how wolverine's drawn in these comics but. this aint about him#i just wanted to gush about my favorite old people LIKE PLEASE CHARLES IS GOING TO HAVE A STROKE I SEE IT#the fact they still got that goofy lil 'welcome back charles and erik' banner im going to be sick. theyre the whole mansions dads#anyway i have an assignment to do. because my prof hates me Who The Fuck Makes An Assignment due At 12:59AM#bye bye hpoefully ill be back with my own doodles ajvlekjla
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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Ride 793: The palms of their hands
Pag 1
1: Holding hands with you rival
Pag 2
1: Grasping tightly the gratitude
They're moving forward... to the future!!
Pag 3
1: 1500m left until the mountain line!!
Pag 4
2: You're kidding....
He's coming....?
He's getting closer?
3: So odd, and yet I thought I had left him behind completely
This is “three times”, isn't it?
5: He's coming
And moreover
Pag 5
1: He's doing it while singing!!
Even though Hakogaku's Manami had left him so much behind in a moment...
Mountain King is getting closer!!
He's not giving up!!
The distance is closing!!
That's right ♪ I know ♪ If you do this ♪
Pag 6
1: The princess' wish ♪
2: Will come true ♪
3: Mountain King is amazing!! He's humming a tune!!
I heard of this, Mountain King becomes faster when he hums a tune!!
What, amazing!
The magic singing!!
I'll try singing too next time I'll climb!
4: No
It's not magic
5: For you, that “song”
Pag 7
1: it's a device to activate your power!!
2: Like a car's key
3: To carry people and luggage up a mountain road a vehicle needs both a sturdy body, small parts
4: and a powerful engine
5: For bikes, the “body”
Pag 8
1: Practice, repetition, recovery, determination, challenges- everything
2: piles up!!
3: Only someone who has worked
4: tirelessly, without rest....
Pag 9
1: Could get to this position of the mountain stage on the Inter High's first day!!
2: And he can even keep up with my “three times”!!
4: I see, so that's what it means
You piled everything up during this past year...
Pag 10
1: Ouch
2: Ah, damn, I pressed something weird
Ah....
3: Oh, I have a message
Ah, it's from Sakamichi-kun
Ah... it's from three months ago..
Hehehe, ops
4: What is it, what is it...? “Do you remember? The promise we made on the last day?”
Oh... I remember
“We said 'let's race for the mountain stage on the first day next time'”
Ah.. we did, we did
6: “Are we still on for that?”
8: “Of course”
Pag 11
1: To protect your promise with me!!
Wait, Manami-kun!!
Princess ♪...!!
2: Sakamichi-kun!!
3: Manami-kun!!
Pag 12
1: Mountain King caught up!!
He caught Hakogaku's Manami, who had attacked and opened the gap!!
2: He's not surrendering!!
Neither of them is surrendering!!
1200m left until the mountain line!!
Pag 13
1: Now another race...
2: starts!!
4: They're both taking the curve
5: while colliding against each other!!
Pag 14
1: Aaaaaa
Soooreeee
I won't surrender!!
2: They're still neck and neck!!
3: Amazing!
Pag 15
1: From the inner side!!
2: Sooreeee
Manami fell back for a moment and then forced his way forward!!
They hit each other!!
5: The trees are getting lower again
6: One more time...
Pag 16
1: Let's go, “three times”!!
Pag 17
2: Manami used the wind and accelerated again!!
Incredible, what's that!
3: What about Mountain King!?
Pag 18
1: Musical note shaped wings!?
Pag 19
1: Aaaaaaaa
2: Amazing
3: It's just like you
4: You were so desperate to catch me that you unconsciously used the wind to accelerate
5: Interesting!!
Pag 20
1: Mountain King is clinging to him!! I thought Manami had attacked but
Manami didn't get away!!
He caught up with such a weird acceleration!?
Amazing!
2: Maybe your singing is something more than a key
3: Ahhhh
5: These past three years have been fun
Huh!?
Pag 21
1: I'm glad you were here for the past three years
3: Huh... ah!!
4: Thank you
Pag 22
2: Such a close battle like this, such a once-in-a-lifetime battle like this, it could only have been with you
3: Yeah... yeah!!
“The past three years”....!!
4: No, that, I should be the one saying that, really!!
5: That's right... this is my match against Manami-kun...
Pag 23
1: Let's go until the mountain line
2: Let's give everything we have
3: Let's make the most of every second of the time we have left!!
5: 1km until the end....
Pag 24
1: It's the final climb!!
Pag 25
1: Yeah!!
Pag 26
3: Th-thank god I made it in time...
This... I couldn't miss this today
4: Sangaku said that
5: “It will be the culmination of the past three years”
#yowamushi pedal#yowapeda#yowamushi pedal translations#yowapeda manga#yowamushi pedal spoilers#yowamushi pedal manga#ride 793#no im not crying i just have 793 chapter of yowapeda in my eyes ;A;#watanabe please stop reminding me that this manga is gonna end!!! I dont wanna hear it!!#and neither does onoda!! Look at his desperate face when he realizes that that's his last race against manami!!!#excuse meeee ;A; i cant do this#so imma focus on the nice things#like onoda sining that 'the princess' wish comes true' right when he sees manami#bc THATS HIS WISH MANAMI IS HIS WISH AND ITS FINALLY COME TRUE#or how cute Manami is in the flashback page and the way he jumps up to reply to onoda#like the only thing missing there was him adding 'it's a date' to that text#bc thats what it is okay its obvious#honestly i understand why onoda is so scared that this is his last chance with manami#given that he had to wait 3 months for a single text lmao#he's scared he wont hear from manami at all once they wont be able to meet at the ih - and he's right#manami please reply to your phone onoda needs you#im babbling to not focus on the last pages bc theyre making me too emotional and I CANNOT HANDLE THIS#if i think about this manga ending imma melt in a puddle of tears okay#so ill just focus on sansaka being canon for now :')
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man can i say i love the creepypasta fandom on here. in my experience on tumblr posting it then and now its been nothing but warm and welcoming and so helpful. i love it, everyone so nice and its fun indulging in old media to making it something new and more creative.. i love it love you guys <3 you all are invited to my slenderman mansion sleepover
#text post#chitter chatter#i KNOW im not the like “og” but it does make me :'] when i see people say like “omg i used to follow u for this” and its creepypasta#like.. u want me to cry thats so nice idk what to say im a little guy#im thinking about creepypasta and my exp on here. everyone so fun T_T im glad u all enjoy it still even if im here and there#SOB sob ill never stop enjoying creepypasta#idc if i dont get as much as i did before. as long as 1 person enjoys it. thats all i need. i wanna do more on here doe.. one day prommy
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five frightening fortnights at vagasils
#vergil#vergil dmc#dmc#devil may cry#hey baby why dont you let me hit and ill kick yiu in the ribs if you ask real nicely
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hi
#pls be nice bc im gna post smthn im unsure ab bc i hate myself n want attention to cure it:3#so u better b extra good to me today#or ill cry again
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feeling like Nana Osaki with the way everything and everyone is being taken away from me
#im just a girl#hell is a teenage girl#be nice to me or ill cry#cinnamon girl#female hysteria#girlblogging#girlhood#girlcore#it girl#coquette#NANA#nana osaki#nana komatsu#hachi
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I decided to make some Nessclaus (or ClausNess, however is called) fanart since I saw some other art of them and I thought I'd share mine
#Nessclaus#Clausness#I like the first one better#I think they work nicely together#I cant explain how in few words but I can do so in a 3 page doc#they are complicated but I swear they are a cute couple#In this drawing they are comforting eachother#because they both went through so much#and Im also intimidated to draw them being too couple-y#is the rareship curse#Also I hope Ness looks like Ness here#I imagine them older because I grew up with the game#and I can't imagine them as kids anymore#so the stripped shirt had to go for me#And I don't thinks he is very recognizable like thia#I also can't draw the hat from this angle#it doesn't help#Ill stop now im sorry#im nervous#be kind#don't block me ill cry#my art
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#ratiorine#aventio#raturine#hsr aventurine#hsr fanart#hsr#dr ratio#veritas ratio#DO NOT come after me for my aven design. plz.#ill cry#i just think he's pretty and representation is nice
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.
#also i think something thats contributing to my sadness is my manager keeps nitpicking everything i do#he'll come in on the 10th hour of my shift and start saying im wrapping sandwiches wrong#or ill put stuff in a bag VERY carefully so he doesnt say something and he still does#he also makes me stay late even when i say no#and i almost started crying the other day bc i opened a baked potato#and he was like 'you know what dont even put cheese on that idek what you did to that potato 🙄🙄 its simple shit'#and you know if thats some of the only human interaction you have it really effects you#its starting to be like how it was before when i cry if i imagine someone being nice to me
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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this is going to sound really fucked up but i just need to say it i think.
I never realized that people could actually care. I always thought that the depictions of friendship in movies and TV shows were over-the-top portrayals, and weren't things that actually happened. This was then exacerbated by the fact that my entire life I always wanted people to just Know How I Was Feeling like they do on TV and I found out that that's Not How It Works. I always thought I was naive for caring so much about my friends and for doing nice things for them out of the blue, and I always resented myself for resenting my parents for not doing more for me as a child.
So when I got to uni, and my friends started caring about me and asking if I was ok when I looked sad and doing nice things for me, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me in a long time. When I was staying with a friend, and she said that she left the window open in the room I was going to be staying in because I liked it to be cold when i sleep, I bluescreened. I didn't know how to respond. It is quite literally one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. No one had ever paid that much attention to the things I liked. Every year on my birthday it was either a gamble if I would get something I actually wanted from my parents (spoiler alert: I was often disappointed) or I would just have to straight up tell them what I wanted. I got accustomed to the latter, and now I don't mind, but receiving two gifts from friends about languages this year made me realize that I could have it so much better.
And don't even get me started on online friends. I sort of thought that everyone was lying about them? Or that it was something unattainable, and reserved only for God's Chosen Favorites or something. But no, there are little people in my phone who care about me. They legitimately care about me as much as I care about them. I've been nervous to ask them about their well-being because I'm still nervous about being naive and getting a wake-up call that no one cares again, but after being told that they were worried about me when I overslept, I think i should know that I'm in the clear. And that's not even including all the times they tell me to go to bed when it's late, and when they ping me about things I may enjoy or things I was involved in.
All this is to say I guess that I'm touched that people remember my existence. It makes me feel good to be wanted. I will be eternally grateful to both my irl and online friends who made me realize that just because my parents or my friends from home didn't care enough to remember what I like or to go out of their way to do nice things for me, it doesn't mean that no one will. I need to step up and do more for you guys. I trained myself to push down my desire to help and check in with people because I thought I was betting on something that I'd never get in return, but now I know I can.
Thank you all, and I love you 💚
#uf this is a long one sorry 😅#i put it under a cut so it wont clog up your dash#btw if you are an online friend and you do something nice for me#what you arent seeing is me squealing and crying and bluescreening before giving your message a heart emoji and possibly the 🥹 emoji#the 🥹 emoji to me is a dear friend#🥹 to me in the context of accepting nice things means that im basically already crying#i am so incredibly appreciative of you all#i will not stop saying it#and i need to say it more to my irls faces#if you know me irl and you see this expect me to tell you very soon that i fucking love you#and if youre an online friend and you have vagueposted about something happening to you since ive met you#you may or may not get a message about it (depending on how chicken i am) because i fucking care about your well-being goddamnit#idk idk idk i just#it still amazes me that this isnt fake#that you actually care#i keep thinking that ill say something wrong or whatever and ill lose it all#but in the back of my mind i know that isnt true#i should probably be telling all this to a therapist but therapy is expensive and posting online is free#there was something else i wanted to say but i forgor so ill edit and add it when i rember#ok to rb#long post#personal
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Kyomoto
I don’t know what to draw anymore i need to run away into the woods never to be seen again. Dig a hole and let mother nature claim my body, it’s the least i can do for her.
Going bingo tomorrow
#look back#look back tatsuki fujimoto#look back manga#kyomoto look back#artwork#fanart#please be nice#ill cry#love me#Spotify#procreate#fan art
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this might be a controversial take but speaking as someone with ocd, i don't believe ishmael has textbook ocd. she has something else. ocd is broadly an anxiety disorder that focuses on unreasonable intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive calming behaviors (compulsions). ishmael's behavior, from what we've seen, doesn't really line up with my experiences... but sinclair's does.
ishmael's file says that she "suffers from an obsessive-compulsive neurosis", which is different from the ruminating anxiety disorder that ocd is. ishmael is, yes, obsessed with an extremely fucking traumatic event that very much did happen to her, and is, yes, compelled to make things right somehow by spending years searching for any other survivors as well as seeking revenge. but i don't believe what's going on in ishmael's head is the same sort of persistent intrusive thoughts + repetitive behavior that characterizes ocd. sinclair is a way closer example to that - he worries excessively and chews on his fingers to calm himself down, even though it's not actually productive and does in fact hurt him more.
what i think ishmael has, rather than ocd, is a parallel to ahab's monomania, which is not a diagnosis that really exists anymore but was a thing at the time moby dick was written. she's single-minded, fixated on her goal. we're seeing her kill everything in her path, almost indiscriminately, to try and get to (presumably) ahab. she's obsessed with vengeance and wants to kill ahab just as ahab wanted to kill that whale. it's more likely that her symptoms are ptsd, and that ptsd has gone untreated for so long that it's now manifesting as sheer rage.
there's a chance that she does suffer from, say, intrusive thoughts about the whale, or about her crew members dying in front of her, and that she has compulsions we don't see. up until verg announced they were going to u corp, ishmael had been very put together, very rational. we're seeing her come apart at the seams now and she's no longer behaving logically as she had before. she's entirely ruled by this obsession. but in my experience ocd isn't usually about just one thing, though i've had extended periods of focus on one particular theme.
we're only partway through the canto so my opinion here very well might change depending on how things go! but i don't think the same files that list faust's problem as being "insufferable" and gregor's as "repulsive" are a reliable medical diagnosis, even if ishmael's appears similar to one.
#if you disagree id love to hear. thoughts on it.but be nice to me or ill cry.#ishmael lcb#canto v spoilers#limbus company spoilers#ive thought this for a while bc obviously when you have a very stigmatized disorder and you hear that a character you like has it -#- you're like ‼️‼️ but ishy has a whole other thing going on in there
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