#bc nobody really used to let me
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Idk why it always comes as such a shock to me when a friend shows that they do, in fact, trust me as if I don’t actively try so hard to be someone who cares so much
#like wdym people feel safe enough around me to talk about what they really want to#wether they’re venting or talking to me about that general range of emotion or talking freely about something they’re passionate about#it’s just so special to me knowing my friends feel they can Express around me#‘become the person you always wanted/needed in your life’ or however the saying goes#like this might just be the classic autism alienation feeling talking but#I’ve always LOVED when I’d find someone who’d really listen and let me Ramble#bc nobody really used to let me#I’d always get the empty replies where you could tell they weren’t listening or just straight up stopped#so I know how awful that feels and now I try to make sure people don’t feel that way with me#and I hope it’s working at least with my IRLs#I know I am that person for a few of the real young kids in my scout troop with how they act around me compared to most others in the troop#and it’s nice bc it’s like I’m giving a younger version of me what she always wanted
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space sweepers but they're delivery people and are at no point on screen through the entire movie
#fantasy high#riz gukgak#kristen applebees#gorgug thistlespring#adaine abernant#fabian seacaster#figueroth faeth#the bad kids#half tempted to say these names are forum handles they use so much it pretty much became their professional names lol#I keep them teenagers bc its funnier that way#no real lore I just like drawing this. but I do think abt how theyre all weirdos too also bc thats funny to me#riz is a huge conspiracyhead who does everything by hands. he has a casio fx-570 in mint condition. nobody knows how he's maintaining it#he is nonetheless Really Good at his job. which somewhat tracks bc it's a job that requires keeping up with interstation conflicts#and new policies and an obsessive amount of planning. but he is Too Good at it. and also he dresses like that#kristen has the atomic engine that theoretically lets her unmake and remake matters with her mind. but it consumes a huge amount#of energy so it's mostly useless. she's still a cult survivor also#gorgug lives his entire life on a ship with his parents who quit a cushy deal maintaining a space station bc he wouldn't be allowed on#the low gravity let him grow very tall but also his oxygen saturation is pretty bad so he's got breathing support#fig is a robot who just found out she's a robot like two months ago. she's been assuming everyone's a robot like her and she's been feeling#very betrayed by her mom lying about that part. she's on a body mod spree which is rough bc system-specific parts are expensive#and so is adapting random parts to her system#fabian's still a pirate captain's son. can't say anything that'd be able to get the vibes across clearer than that#adaine went to tech/business school. she put her monthly allowance towards an ecoterrorist group in her academy which turned out to be an o#and she's currently wanted by UTS. more than fabian. which makes him slightly mad#she's also acquired a passion for low-tech weaponry on the way. she likes ice picks and cleavers#I think up all of this for no reason except that once again the idea of all these people being 1/teens and 2/on the same ship to be posties#is hilarious to me. esp. if they were in a forum group chat beforehand
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something something sewing event
#honami making leoneeds outifts / repairing shihos jacket and tsukasa sewing little clothes for bunny. win#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#proseka#honami mochizuki#tsukasa tenma#wxs#leoneed#I hate twt i love having everyone who slightly annoys me blocked or muted. sorry#NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS HONAMI LIKES TO SEW ITS MAKE ME MADE STFU ABOUT TSUKASA. MY FRIEND HONAMI.#holdee of both opinions that its a shame mixed events have been weak writing wise and also havent been used to their fill potential recentl#to have characters who dont normally interacted get to meet each ofher. And tsukasas writing in particular is hurting bad rn#But also pjsk fandom does have misogyny issues (Because every fandom does bc all forms of bigotry oremeate everything even shnconsciously)#Because its incredible that everyone ran to bat for tsukasa being in the event but i saw mobidy mention honami who also likes to sew ..#she even says in a card story that she wanted to remake All of leoneeds sekai outfits in real life since theyre stuck in sekai#Idk ive been oeeved about this so i must rjn to my oersonal disry (tumblr tags)#also I need honami and mafuyu interaction proper like what the fuck is going on. there could be the chance for very interesting growth if#clpl would give them the chance ..#tldr It is really annoying when clpl constantly forgets shit about their own characters 😭😭😭😭#/ seems too scared to let mixed events be Actually kmportant to the story / characters rceently. Which is crazy#esp for wxs whose entire thing is about how other people have shaped them and how theh wantnto touchnpeoples lives 😭😭😭😭😭aWhatever YAP OVER#But i love shizuku so im not complaining about anything other than who keeps inviting len
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Usopp's constant negativity and anxiety are something useful and "positive" at the end of the day (eg: fight against Perona) because he doesn't necessarily need to change his views, he just needs to trust himself and his abilities more and he just uses what he has at the moment which is, you know, negativity. It is not something positive but it does keep him safe from danger and he will end up being proud of himself and stronger than he could ever imagine, but that doesn't mean he'll stop being negative. It's just another personality trait a lot of people have, and Usopp using it for his advantage is something great, I feel. He takes pride in being like that. He's loud and shameless about it.
Unlike Sanji, who dwells on his negativity on his own. Quietly. And lets it consume him without having any power over it. His self-sabotaging and self-sacrificing behavior often comes from a place of giving up out of fear of others getting hurt to save him because that's pretty much his core fear. Being a burden/Not being able to save the people he cares about from himself and his past. It's not something the manga shows that much in comparison to Usopp's negativity, but Sanji's pessimistic views are pretty much one of the reasons why WCI happens and why he puts himself in the worst situation in Wano.
And I think (this is why I'm writing all of this) that they're perfect for each other because Usopp could show him that being afraid and negative isn't something so bad. After all, at least Usopp is aware that if he can't do something, the crew will help him out no matter what. Usopp's negative, yes, but it's alright because he doesn't go through it on his own. Even if he does look shameless and "selfish" when desperately asking for help (he isn't, by the way. It's actually pretty reasonable to act like that). Sanji needs to learn to ask for help shamelessly too and he needs to stop putting all the weight of the world's negativity on his shoulders. They need to carry it together.
Like- There's just something so personal in Usopp going "Yes! I am scared. Frightened even. Please, help!" because he might not like that part of him and he's trying to be stronger and more independent every day, but he acknowledges that things can go south and his reaction is very fight or flight but pretty mostly flight to be safe. While Sanji's response is always to fight because he refuses to let others know he needs help in case something happens to them (and also because he feels ashamed of feeling weak). Usopp shares the responsibility and accepts that he's kind of a loser sometimes but Sanji refuses to do so.
This is just a thought about Sanji learning that being a coward and asking for help isn't bad because they're meant to do stuff like that, and Usopp growing to be stronger and independent but not necessarily stop being pessimistic because sometimes you just... Are like that. Sometimes you're scared. Sometimes you have anxiety. And that's alright. You can be strong anyway.
#now this is one of the 1289123719834718937981 reasons why sanuso works so well together#they're literally perfect for each other idc#i just find the way oda portrays usopp's negativity really cool bc he takes that one 'negative' trait and turns it into a defense mechanism#against perona i mean#water 7 literally happens because usopp actually lets himself drown in negativity for once instead of trusting his crew like he always does#he won't stop seeing himself as less important than them and instead of communicating that or asking for help he decides to leave#it's a reasonable response when you're on the verge of a mental breakdown tbh but sanji teaches him it's okay for others to help you#which is funny because sanji refuses to use that for himself but that's because he's stupid and hates himself#they both hate themselves a lot but love each other a ton so. great relationship. teaching the other how to love#me when i say 'loser baby' from hazbin hotel could easily be sanuso but nobody shares that specific braincell with me#one piece#black leg sanji#usopp#sanuso
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2023 reads
The Deep Sky
scifi mystery thriller
on a deep space mission traveling from an environmentally devastated earth with hope to restart humanity elsewhere
when they’re halfway, an explosion kills 3 crew and pushes them off course
the only witness is the Alternate who has no specific role, and she has to figure out who caused it & if they might continue to sabotage, while they're figuring out a way to get back on course with limited resources
flips between present and the past: of her childhood and training for the mission, her identity struggles, and relationship with her mother
questions the ethics of ‘restarting’ humanity elsewhere vs putting resources into fixing earth
#the deep sky#yume kitasei#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#i really loved this!!!!!#very intense but also a lot of interesting character introspection#love the virtual reality AI aspect!!!! though I do feel like. in the end I was expecting it to go way further with it?#(basically like instead of seeing the inside of the ship all the time they can 'be' in forests or aquariums or whatever)#no romance#(there’s side lesbians; and one flashback scene where she briefly wonders about kissing a random person; that's it)#emotional core about her mother and brother and best friend !!#i like that it gets into the flaws of 'humanity's last hope on another planet' bc like. yeah in real life things....don't work like that...#why is there zero acknowledgement that the concept of every one of them being expected to give birth being extremely fucked up?#like obviously everyone on board is there because they agreed with that but there’s not a single flashback of#when they found out that information; or mention of someone questioning it...#(for example a character mentions that they hid their mental health/use of a therapy animal bc they wouldn't have been let in and the -#eugenics around that is iffy to say the least)#but to me. pregnancy is horrifying and nobody questioning that was weird.#also there’s supposedly 80 people on board but we get to know less than 10 of them which felt a bit strange at points#Also! I love the cover. I can’t find the designer (the book info only credits the internal lllustrator..)#also: bird facts!
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Btw seeing gringos trying to dance tango or salsa is so 🫥🫥
Like I don't mind at all bro go off but like put some flavor in there I AM BEGGING i swear u won't die WHERE IS YOUR SOUL DO YOU NOT HAVE A HEART
#tango specifically gives me so much cringe but bc they have such a weird and wrong idea of how tanho is really like#i do not enjoy seeing it butchered#but i do not mind that other people dance it per se i just wish they cared a bit more about how it's traditionally danced#i was thinking about this seeing a gymnast the other day that had i think salsa in her routine?#(idk bc the volume was so low i just had to go by a bit of what i heard and her movements)#SHE WAS STIFF#all her routine was so beautiful and elegant and then that part... it was definitely there#but then i saw a YouTube video nd it was one of those where they teach how to dance x latinamerican rhythm#but the teacher is always yanki and the steps are all numbered and there's squares on the floor telling u where to step#and LISTEN i know it's useful to have a visual representation or a guide at first to figure out the movement#but please that's just at first u can't just go through life overthinking merengue bc u're gonna look dumb#even the teachers look like they are trying to hold a penny between their ass cheeks without it falling while they dance#u have to let go and just feel it at some point#some of our dances are so much more about the feeling or connection with your partner than about the technique#technique is still important but like#i would enjoy much more watching someone who doesn't know every dance so just does a couple basic steps but FEELS the music#and is just enjoying themselves while dancing#than seeing someone who spent an entire year learning every step and turn but they look petrified and scared while dancing#nobody is out to get u sweetheart u can let go PLEASE u're scaring the kids
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Don't cry. Radqueer community is dying, ok?
#anti radqueer positivity#anti radqueer#anti transabled#anti transid#anti transx#anti trace#anti transage#former radqueer#anti transautistic#ex radqueer#positivity#this is inspired by me doing a little bit of math and realizing that there are probably less than 100 people in total who are radqueer#MAYBE closer to 200 or 300 but thats really pushing it#this is because radqueer ideology is dumb and bigoted and nobody willingly supports it except for bigots <3#if anyones wondering: bc i was active in several radqueer servers i know that there are usually the same 15-ish people in every server#and thats only counting ppl i recognized. id say probably close to 25-30 of the same ppl are in every radqueer server#with a few extras (lets say about 20 extra ppl across all the radqueer servers)#and then double that to factor in ppl who dont use discord#so abt 100 ppl give or take a few#thats only ppl who are actually radqueer - not counting ppl who are anti-transid but pro-c n such#the biggest radqueer server i was ever in only had abt 60 ppl and over half of them were inactive (most likely they abandoned their accts)#so rlly it sometimes seems like a lot of ppl but theres rlly no one tbh#but ya. if radqueers ever act like their community is huge just know theyre lying :3
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ughhhh why is gender so hard to figure out. my body is like boom gender dsyorphia but won’t tell me noone about my identity
(I accidentally made an entire vent in the tags lmao)
#my gender dysorphia has been bad the past few weeks. really fucking bad#when I try to learn about my identity I get mad that I’m nowhere near becoming it or mad that I don’t know what the fuck I want to be#but I want to be more neutral and I don’t know if I want to be masculine because I want to look genderless#or if the two aren’t together#I hate this. I pick a label and there’s always something wrong with it.#demiboy is too masculine and implies I look masculine p#agender isn’t masculine enough#I can’t be genderfluid when I only want to be masc and neutral#I can’t be bigender when I don’t want to be a transman#nothing ever fits. and whether I find what fits or not the dysorphia is just gonna get worse#and my mom will think I’m a butch lesbian for years#and once those years finally pass she isn’t gonna let us leave Florida#or by then the transphobia would’ve spread across the county#and then she still wouldn’t let me leave#because I’ll always be too young. I’ll never have enough documented dysorphia.#I’ll never get on t. I’ll never get a binder or surgery.#bevause i look too feminine to be tranmasc.#because I can’t get hormones.#because my mom won’t let me.#because I haven’t had this for enough years.#because I looked too feminine before and thought that feminine things were cute#because I liked girls.#I liked how the outfits looked but never really asked if I wanted to wear them.#and when I finally did it was too late.#the answer was no. but they didn’t believe me#bc for so many years I thought because and outfit was cute or astethic meant you wanted to wear it. but I didn’t want to be seen as a girl.#I want to be masculine. I wish I was born male. but it’s too late for me to realize that.#now nobody cares what I want to be. anyone that does is across the fucking world.#anyways I’m reaching tag limit so I’ll stop this#vent
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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had some very plot-y dreams last night!
I was an alien who was disguised as a human. I think I had come to earth as some kind of invading force years and years ago - my lifespan was pretty long actually, so I was only about the equivalent of my early 20s still but I'd been on earth long enough that I looked more middle-aged.
Which was appropriate, because the reason I had bailed/was in hiding is because I had fallen in love with my beautiful wife. She had died, so I was raising our half-alien son by myself and was probably the definition of Overprotective Parent
I never saw what I looked like, but there was a point in the dream where my son was in his alien form. It was actually very beautiful - he looked like he was made of colorful gemstones or glass rather than flesh and blood
But the whole dream's plot hinged on me finding what was apparently some kind of like, alien rehabilitation program where they took someone and made them human and made them experience life as a human as some kind of penance/rehab?
And there was a dude who I recognized as like. a Big Bad species, that I was CONVINCED had a) no ability to feel remorse, b) would indiscriminately kill everyone, and c) was very very dangerous and also in the same town as my son
so I started like, hanging around?? To try and catch this dude being Evil and also making sure everyone was staying The Fuck Away from my kid, right? except this dude just kind of. didn't do anything evil. stone cold poker face and no showing emotions, but no like, killing or anything
at some point into this dream, we find out about a bomb that is under the chair of one of the group, which consists of me, This Guy, and some squishy humans. My goal is to make sure that if the bomb goes off, it goes off with the other alien bc his species is very invulnerable to things like that
long story short, I ended up with the bomb and driving away and got. really really hurt. and the evil alien? he ran over, covered my wounded body with his own, and someone transferred half of my wounds to him and in doing so he saved my life
so... not as evil (or as emotionless) as I thought, clearly
The rest is fuzzy, but I know I let him see that I had a son at one point, though I didn't directly introduce them.
Honestly the whole dream kind of felt like it had a vague enemies to friends to lovers plot going on as we both explored more of his background and history and emotions, and as we revealed the fact that I had once been kind of a bad guy honestly before falling in love with my wife.
something something, second chances
then i had an entirely different dream where I was a princess who accidentally defeated a dragon and bound him to me in human form lol
#my dreams#dream journal#second chance dream#like honestly the peak of this dream was him throwing his body over mine as i lay dying#and then transferring half of the wounds#like i was still hurt and now he was too#and i don't think either of us had known his species could do that tbh#i was such an overprotective middle aged dad honestly#i don't think i let my son really leave the house#because of the whole half-alien thing i was so worried he would be like. experimented on or taken away#my dead wife haunted the narrative#she made me a better person but without her i think i was regressing to old (bad) coping skills#the only reason i know about my age is i complained about the body the evil alien got#sometimes a love story is a 26 year old in the body of a 40 yr old man and his enemy-to-love the 40 year old alien looking like a 26 yr old#and that's okay#shoutout to the dragon and princess story bc no one realized that 'twas I who was bound to the dragon for like. ages#bc nobody realized i was the one that killed him i guess?
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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Most of my sinus infection has cleared up besides the occasional cough and irritated throat but now this ear infection.... everything hurts can I please have a break before I have to go back to work just a day without pain so I can clean up my sicknest without feeling like ass
#i live with my parents but my mom is having a horrible flair up of RA so she's bedbound and can't help me at all and dad is the only one#the only one working atm so he's not doing anything besides that#its just a little frustrating because whenever mom is sick from her flare ups or if dad gets the sniffles im like#I'm like what can i do for you are you comfortable do you need anything can i make you food let me clean up etc#but when i go down for 3 days of being visibly miserable everything i ask is the world#ask dad to pick up my perscription but god forbid i ask him to do any other task on the way home that involves making 2 SEPARATE LOCATIONS#ita fine hes just. idk#plus mom has her RA flare up and idk#it just feels like nobody in this house is particularly sympathetic when im feeling miserable but im ALWAYS sympathetic when they are#the first 2 days i was doing nothing but sleeping or rolling in pain in my room and no one came to check in on me to see how i was doing#then yesterday my mom says shes taking us both into urgent care but leaves without me in the morning when i was too sick to wake up when she#called for me.#she was like I just really was in so much pain and you didnt get up and i wanted to go asap and i called you#anyway so because i was so sick i couldnt wake up i had to drive myself to urgent care which is also fine im a big boy#anyway. circumstances or whatever. im also real salty bc ive felt like shit for like 4 days
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How many times can I go "I feel like ass but it's fine I'll be fine" until it becomes hollow to everyone around me. BHASJGFNJFGNK
#ventings#<- ig#i feel like this happens so. frequently#im fine one moment and then bad the next and i feel bad for it. i hate having some weird brain instability#i will be real this one time ! me going `ill be fine` is more my ward so i dont feel guilty or attention-seeking for venting than it#is an actual true statement atp. i mean like. tbf. i will be fine. my mood kinda just Swings and ive dealt with this brain long enough#to be used to that and used to the fact that ill just feel like this until my brain latches onto something and is able to snap back#but eh. euuuhghhhhhhhhhhhh. fuck#also while im giving myself one post to talk abt this shit before falling silent on it again. i always feel bad when people tell me i can#vent to them. bc its like. my brain wont allow it#i feel like a burden for it when i know ill be fine eventually even without getting to talk it out with someone#i will never tell people its better to check in with me than it is to tell me i can vent. bc my brain wont let me open the door but#if the door is held open for me then i feel i am allowed. ive been invited. does that make sense#but again ill never tell anybody bc thats just. it feels like a lot to ask when nobody needs to hear my bs anyways#idk. idk if i even wanna talk about this really. i feel bad still for typing it all out. beh#im gonna go play some silly billy and then maybe start doodling. that or i play silly billy and then check in with my mom#to see if she remembers the wendys thing. cuz i know she struggles with remembering things too
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why do i feel weirdly guilty for taking a day off of work to have necessary surgery 🤡
#they said i could go back to work but i did that last time and it was a pain so i took the day off#and i did a bunch of errands and Accomplished Things instead of napping which is what i wanted to do#then finally sat down to watch a movie and eat and im like....feeling guilty for not being at work#insane#to be fair the hour before i left yesterday was crazyyyy bc we had a kind of crisis#ibstayed a half hour late bc there wasnt enough coverage due to the crisis and i did my coworker's clean up for her bc she literally left#without finishing it#bc she was freaking out#crisis is one of the kids had lice lol#anyway she left without finishing her cleanup even tho the owner of the school and our boss's boss dropped by#to let us know the health department was coming thennext day (today)#and she Went Home even tho there was literally cottage cheese all over the floor wtf#anyway i was watching the kids while my supervisor bagged up all the stuffed toys and sheets and blankets etc to wash#then i did my other co teachers cleanup while my supervisor tried to do afternoon diapers but she was so late starting only 4 kids were lef#out of like 8 or 10 that probably should have been changed#so half of them went home without a final diaper change lmao#anyway#bugs 😬#i got a lice treatment shampoo and leave in conditioner but yuck#anyway i just felt really bad bc im out and they always need people but also im out on the day we're getting a ladt minute health inspectio#and i know that classroom is gross bc the cleaning crew thats supposed to come in every night has definitely not been doing that#this has been a shitpost#anyway my eye surgery hurts so bad wah 😭#its not even supposed to hurt that much but im like wicked sensitive to the light or something that it hurts a lot even w eye shields#and nobody is babying meeee#my mom made me clean the kitchen and the barn when we got home :(#my brother is making gf cookies for me tho but not bc of the surgery he just wants to try baking gf for me in general bc he's nice#also he's making 61 cookies by accident instead of 18 bc he doubled the recipe and then realized it was a recipe forngiant cookies lmao
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“All that I've been taught // And every word I've got // Is foreign to me” — Hozier, Foreigner’s God
Aka "nooo dont grieve the life you spent running away from everything and wish you could go back to that life of uncertainty, where you constantly wonder if you can survive another day, rather than stand in the middle of a civil war which has nothing to do with you, you're so cool and sexy you're literally the mythical hero of a land where everyone detests your kind ahahahh"
A silly drawing of my Bosaltmer Dovahkiin, Baltana :))
I fiddled with her design a little, aka i added a different facial tattoo (which mirrors Lynwallyn's because hehe they're twins)
-> a companion piece to this older drawing of Lynwallyn
(Alternative version under the cut; possible eyestrain warning)
#oh tana we're really in it now#oc: baltana#i love me a reluctant hero <3 so thats what she essentially is#like imagine being a nobody your entire life then later become an assassin whose main deal is to be a silent executor#so she's really used to not being noticed and then bam. the whole province knows about her and she has these weird powers#that can make people explode and stuff. not to mention they all hope she was someone different & keep forcing their dreams and hopes#on her when she literally did not ask for any of it. suddenly her name opens a lot of doors and grants her so many contacts but she sees#through everyone's smile and knows they're full of shit. she's everything they hoped the dovahkiin not to be and yet.#she wants to belong so bad but her entire existence is just contrary yo everyone's beliefs. and it hurts so so much but she doesn't let#it consume her nor convince her to use her powers to destroy everything. she saves a world she cares very little about and doesn't even get#proper recognition for it which makes her so frustrated but yknow. what can you do#in the end it's better for her to be remembered as something entirely different than what she actually was bc ironically it means#the real her becomes forgotten. goes unnoticed#so yeah. no i cant make a normal happy character why do you ask#long tags#digital art#stellar.artz#stellar.ocs#tesblr#skyrim#skyrim tes#skyrim dragonborn#dovahkiin
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having terminal narwhal brainrot is kinda the worst actually bc. sometimes my brain just gets Stuck on all these tiny things and observations that are Very Funny Indeed but also like. i have no actual clue whether its Intended to be significant at all in terms of implication or if im just losing it but its rent free either way and its not going away like. take this one for a completely coincidental example i definitely havent had swirling around my head rent free for like the last 3 weeks nopers no way uhhhhh
so act I of fontaine AQ right???? first narwhal mentions we get from childe in the story???
"it" right?? which like fine yeah makes sense. mysterious massive eldritch sea creature wouldnt consider that out of place for a choice of pronoun. in no small part prolly due to ajax just taking after skirk in terms of how she refers to and views the narwhal. its not rly carrying any connotation of personhood and/or sentience purely in terms of the language used
Now. if its such an unsurprising choice. why am i fixated on this
WELL. lets say purely hypothetically. wouldnt it be like. really funny if after Multiple languages. explicitly went for a non-human moniker when it comes to childe speaking about the narwhal. that he would then like. possibly. the Second they make actual direct and personal telepathic connection with one another. pull a complete 180 on that. in like act III mayhaps
"someone" calling him??????
Like. isnt it Interesting. that he went from "it". to IMMEDIATELY assigning explicit personhood to whatever originated that whalesong call.
Its telepathic connection. Right??? like these mfs are Literally in each others heads. right??? and yet. Somehow. PURELY off of that call that single moment of fleeting impression and feeling that gravitational pull towards one another. youre Instinctively assigning sentience personhood and character to that voice. Huh
(so based and narwhalpilled ajax i knew you were a truther and an ally)
and like what makes me fixate on this so much and not just go oh its prolly nothing is just. they didnt HAVE to write it that way right??? they couldve made it "something calling me..." . or even for intentional ambiguity something like "i hear a call somewhere..." . but Nooooooo its. someone. they made ajax go from "it" to "someone". in the exact span it took for him to make direct metaphysical contact with his narwhal.
obviously like. yes ive made my case against the "lmao dumb pet that overeats" misconception Many Times Before for obvious reasons bc thats My beloved and theres Plenty enough canon material even excluding this one to very much suggest the narwhal is indeed a fully sentient immortal being capable of complex thought i just. for ajax of all people to seemingly note that so instinctively the moment they make contact as well............
yeah let me scream real quick thanks im just. HHHHHHHHHH these 2 kill me irl
and NO its not just english i triple checked. like first i checked german and that shit goes from es/etwas to jemand. non-human to explicitly person-specific
(beyond the obvious. whale as a masculine noun)
& then w chinese obviously not a speaker but i took the same lines from project ambr, got the translation and pinyin with google and as long as im not missing sth huge and/or wikipedia isnt lying about how chinese pronouns work. its explicitly non-human 3rd person to very much person-specific interrogative "who" too.
so like. that sure is a very specific and curious choice to make with the writing. multiple times. in multiple languages. when there very much were Multiple very easy ways to write it Not in such a way. for the one (1) guy with undeniably the closest and most personal bond to the narwhal. to say That. in response to its call. its just a little bit of an inch resting detail to have. just a bit
yeah ajax mister im actually going to need you to explain this one to the class as well in addition to all the OTHER shit you have the audacity to spew thanks
#like what the fuck man.#and keep in mind we. STILL. have literally 0 account of whatever the hell went down between these 2 in the primordial sea#beyond them throwing hands . for all that time. bc ajax has said jack shit on the matter and how he experienced it .#bc like the thing im asking is. if your connection is enough for such an impression. that a sense of personhood is Immediately assigned#how fucking much of that whalecall is literally just. straight up intelligible communication. to him. were they talking shit the entire tim#AND in case of like oh the call was probably surtalogi/focalors trying to get him to the narwhal all according to keikaku. might i remind#that in the cutscene . itself. you LITERALLY hear a whalecall as 'i hear... someone calling me...' appears like this isnt among us.#theres no multiple suspects its not really a question as to WHOSE call that is.#also skirks demeanor if anything suggests that ajax ran into the narwhal sooner than was supposed to#since she expects to be reprimanded by surtalogi for letting said 'blunder' happen. so theres that as well#like this is sth nobody registers but so far theres arguably 1 singular action we know the narwhal has done explicitly of its own free will#and not simply its instinct to consume a planets life force etc or sth forced upon it by surtalogi taking it as a pet#and that one. is. seeking out ajax at that specific time. like That was a priority for whatever reason#and when it called to him at that moment the nature of that call was such that he immediately sensed soul and sentience in it.#its so over its so rent free...............................#please kiss im going to die#childeposting#oh also. ig if ur arguing the 'someone' sensed is the shadow within the narwhal not the narwhal . its like okay fine that can be argued#but surtalogi or focalors is kind of a stretch im sorry lol#narwhalposting#genshin#rambles
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