#bc it was less about the actual speaking part and more the communicating my thoughts in any way angle

[pollyanna-nana]

Anyone else w/ selective mutism (either now or as a kid) feel kind of weird abt fanworks always giving characters who have it sign language to communicate with. Like on the one hand I get it but on the other I didn’t have that experience I just couldn’t talk and Suffered.

[hey-i-am-trying]

hi, tripoier here! Long text incoming alert and a detailed explanation of the situation for qsmpblr (also sorry if I make some typos I'm writing without translator)

Yeah I also saw what happened today with the og admin of Pepito and I have a lot to say about it. First of all I'm not speaking in behalf of the community but I'm my own experience of the situation. I watched the development of Pepito's story since day one and fell in love with that little guy (and his laggy PC). Then second day arrived and I noticed the admin change bc he was less laggy and I've learned enough Portuguese and 07's (Richas admin) mannerisms to recognize when he's playing a character, even Roier noticed but didn't say anything until the screencap incident lol

Few day passed and 07 created such a cute and wholesome personality for Pepito, that contrasted very well with the role that roier was having at the moment— that it's understandable that it may not be too comfortable for some people but for the ones that had been watching Roier's story in the server + his relationship with Bobby, we take it with humor/hope for him to heal slowly after what happened in Purgatory and with Bobby (and believe me, Bobby had a HUGE impact on how Roier behaved with the rest of he eggs after his death)

So during the days 07 played as Pepito all the tripoiers were in this state of hope because we knew how much q!Roier was trying hard to not to get attached to Pepito, he knew the moment something happens to him he was gonna suffer A LOT, and Pepito was this pure, innocent ray of sunshine that it was imposible for us not to love immediately (Roier also did from day one but he loved to play with us + his lore at the moment was being in depression for the lost of his husband and having Richas and Leo in their comatose state). Also, is worth to mention that after he discovered it was 07 the one playing as Pepito he became more playful and started to tease him just to make him go out of role (and succeeded one time). Which is why he used the chancla a lot with him, as a shield for the feelings that were starting to grow on him again.

Then, Otipep happened.

This is the part I'm gonna be more careful to explain bc there is a language barrier that for the people who don't have Spanish as their first language they cannot understand or got confused

When Otipep appeared Roier noticed that it was another admin playing as Pepito because 07 was busy helping with Q's lore, we don't know if he recognized immediately that it was the original one or just a random temporary admin, but he noticed that this Pepito appeared where the fist one disconnected (in the garden outside of his house). Some people noticed that it was the original one and got happy bc it meaned that finally Pepito had his permanently admin back and bc Richas and the others eggs were also back from the coma we could see them both at the same time (roier used to joke about it every time 07 was around)

We also thought that the og admin had been catching up with the role that 07 has built so far with Pepito (which was not, and we would never know if it was either miscommunication between the admins or the og admin just decided to ignore the actual role to keep their 'idea' for the role), so at first we were a little bit shocked when this Pepito started acting so "dry" (idk if this is the correct word) with Roier, bc we had already gotten used to Pepito's tender way of speaking, but we just let that pass for a bit.

But then that "dry" behavior started going to go down a path were even we as an audience started getting uncomfortable, because roier was trying to socialize with the admin but they clearly didn't knew what's has been going on these past days, so Roier take the time to make a summary of the last days with his typical chill humor, and while he was doing that everything reached its final point with the sign "hueles a culo también hijo de puta" = you also smell like ass son of a bitch.

now This. THIS right here is what destroyed everything. Because you would say "oh, it's just Pepito following Roier's game, it's was in a playful way".

No.

It. was. not.

When Roier starts calling someone with some swears or related words is always in a playful way, and there is context and trust behind. When Otipep put that sign Roier was making a summary of the role that 07 has been doing with Pepito, bc he didn't wanted to let them behind, and while doing that he always explain with his usual humor to make it less unconformable for the admin/ entertained for his audience.

So when he placed that sign we all get out of the loop because it came from nowhere, even Roier kept silence of a few second because 1). it sounded rude, that sign was so out of place 2). Roier was explaining the last few days to the admin so he can keep up with the role, he was not "joking" with the admin, or moving on to another topic, he was helping the admin. 3). We, as an audience, felt so shocked because they weren't saying that to Roier in a playful way, they were giving weight to those words. And this is the part that people that do not have Spanish as their first language doesn't understand. They gave weight to the insult. They didn't wrote that as a joke, they directly INSULTED the streamer.

Then roier proceeded to hit him with the chancla bc he wanted to take the control back of the situation in a humorous way, a damage control in other words, because the chat was filling with "??????" And people getting offended and angry (justified, even I felt offended) with the admin, but Roier is not of those type of persons and he always try to make his streams a safe place for his community, so if you ask me he did a really well job handling the situation even tho he felt offended and his audience noticed that for the rest of the stream (hell, even days later)

And if that was not enough, Roier kept trying to save the situation but the admin was not cooperating, with the "no he preguntado"= I've not asked you and other sign that I just don't remember and is not really worth it (and bc Otipep literally left Roier speaking alone with the "I'm going to look for better parents" and went to spawn zone), he just gave up trying and waited for Richas to come back (which was also chocked w the situation)

And this is me speaking from a non-neutral tone, but I think we could've had a Roier being super loving and caring with Pepito if this situation didn't happen in the first place, bc after this I noticed that Roier stopped tried to get close to Pepito, the situation really affected him so whatever role he was building with the character he just simply stopped and changed the dynamic with another one more limited and less parental, but keeping his usual humor bc it was not the fault of the actual admin or 07, it is what it is unfortunately.

That's why I'm so glad that the actual admin and Ricardão did such a good job saving Pepito because the Spanish speaking community was about to drop him, even streamers friends of Roier that are not part of the qsmp acknowledge the behavior of Otipep with Roier (if that doesn't say a lot about how complicated it was on this side of the road)

And even after all these things there was people out there calling the Spanish speaking community as dramatic or harassing Roier when the situation happened (and it seems they still do it :/ ), but most of us kept quiet because we respect Roier and as he says, mejor pasamos de movidas.

and well, this is it, I know I'm missing some points in the story but honestly getting into fights or hate in general is not my thing, I wanted to give some context for the people of Tumblr because I know, at least here people take the time to read and are more chill unlike twt, and I hope I gave some clarification for the rest of the communities that are not native in Spanish, I really really love Pepito and I'm so glad we had 07 and the actual admin there to play this character, I still can't believe that person had the audacity to come out proudly as Pepito's 1st admin when literally no one from the Spanish community considers his 2 appereances as canon after their blunder xd

Thank you for sharing!

I understand that some stuff are hard to translate, thank you for taking the time. I didn't know that your community was being called dramatic because of that! That is dumb as hell and I am sorry it happend in the first place.

Of course we are no in business of spreading hate. I have always tried to see the other side of situations, I think from what I read in the admin's doc they had some kinda of vision for the character, but I guess they didn't realized that well, they were not going to become automaticly friends with Roier and have room to "joke" like that just because they have become an egg admin. Probably my best guest of what it happend.

It is really weird, maybe they were banking on the support that the other admins have gotten? Or they actually never realized how insulting they have come out as.

Well, I don't have much to say, except I am sorry it happend at all with Roier and the hispanic community.

[freckliedan]

omfg so im reading your linguistics paper rn and im at the part where you talk about how its taboo to post abt the vday vid or dailybooths etc. but i feel like the chains have loosened over the years so to speak? cuz like, on twitter people have just. posted full dailybooth screenshots, or reference the 2009 phan song all the time which itself refs vday. and im wondering if thats like, because the community had gotten smaller after the dapg hiatus that ppl were more lax about it, or if it felt like dnp were more lax about it, or if these are all younger fans who werent aware of this etiquette at all but since so many younger fans have been joining like post coming out they just dont see it as taboo at all? some self-policing does still occur, specifically w ppl reposting dans nakedbooths, but its def not the case of YOU HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY SILENT ABOUT THIS anymore. i havent even finished reading yet but im enthralled

OOH thank you for the question i have so many thoughts on this actually. (context)

i think there's multiple reasons why the taboo on discussing the vday vid & other deleted social media things has grown lesser? under the cut bc i got wordy.

partially i'd chalk it up to the change in phandom demographics. like, there's a way lower proportion of us now who were around for the direct aftermath of the first major leak in 2012, or who even were a part of the phandom when a majority of folks had been present for that. things were so bad and painful then & in the era directly afterwards! people still learn about that but the knowledge of how bad things got is always going to be different from the lived experience.

so that's reason one: i think that within the fandom the strongest emotional reaction to the existence of the vday video & deleted social media posts will always exist in ppl who were around in 2011-2013 & similarly deeply ingrained in folks who joined right after that in 2014-15. and i think there's still a lot of us but there's also just like.. so many less of us now, too. the vast majority of my mutuals from 5 years ago have abandoned or deleted their blogs.

i do think another part of why things have gotten less taboo is bc it's no longer something that has the potential to out dan and phil/how directly they've acknowledged the social media posts (& to a lesser degree the vday vid)?

like. dan literally used screenshots that he almost certainly got from the phan directory in basically i'm gay. they acknowledged that the manchester eye meant something to them in giving the people what they want/witl (watched them at the same time, can't remember which had that in it). i know they knew how people would react to them mentioning iconic teen dalien moments in the big wheel in the sims.

there's also the fact that like... angry phil DMs/copyright strikes are a thing of the past? i'm not going to tell people where to find the vday video but it's stupidly easy to locate on more mainstream platforms at this point in time. shit, that brings me to another point: fans who joined more recently weren't around for the era where blogs were getting taken down for what they were posting. another reason it's more chill now.

like, the openness of the secret is like, something that makes seeking out the taboo less of a thrill?

but on the other hand! learning in detail abt the vday vid and old social media posts is something i think people find less necessary now? that used to be the most concrete like... phan proof. proof they were queer. and now that they're explicitly gay and openly together to the degree that they are it's like. the value of the information has lessened.

to go in a different direction. i definitely wouldn't call it a formalized etiquitte that the youngun's just don't know, especially when it comes to the social media posts—they've always circulated and even 5 years ago when i wrote that paper they were more openly talked about even tho the vday video wasn't (though again: 5 years ago was still wayyyyy more lax than 2013/14).

ultimately there's always just been so much clout tied up to knowing about the vday video & social media posts? so even though being too blatant has always been a taboo transgressing that norm with skill has also always been a phandom value.

i'm not going to get too far into the ways that dan and phil's fandom literacy and the fan response of archiving everything play into things bc i think i covered that well in my paper but yeah!

i don't have a good conclusion but: less % of the fandom being present for the aftermath of dnp being outed by the leak + greater aknowledgement of these subjects by dnp + less value for the information in the vday vid & deleted social media posts = more casual attitude towards vday vid & social media posts and a healthier phandom overall

[kafus]

sometimes i think about how part of the reason i put off seeking out a DID therapist for so long is bc my alters are very fictional introject heavy (almost don’t have any that aren’t) and at least at the time there was a prevailing online notion that if you had a lot of alters that were introjects, especially if any of them came from “recent sources”, you were Definitely Faking. i just assumed i had to have something else going on and i avoided medical care for a long time.

i’ve seen that sentiment a lot less lately and i can’t tell if that’s because it’s actually gone down in prevalence or if it’s because i just do not hang out around DID oriented spaces much anymore, but it’s weird looking back on it literally over 4 years into DID therapy and diagnosis. to think i was ever worried about something like that and was so swept up in the social part of being a pwDID online. i don’t blame myself but that just really sucked. especially because it just does not hold weight, obviously i exist and i am diagnosed and my therapist herself has noted that her younger DID patients skew on having more “fictives” than her older ones and she acknowledges this as a real phenomenon instead of like… The Rise Of Faking or something. and we’ve had in depth talks about my situation and why i in particular am like this bc yknow. it’s relevant to myself and my recovery

i think a lot about last year when i was struggling a lot with a couple of pokemon alters who could not speak english but obviously were holding onto some trauma that needed to be attended to since they were causing issues in daily life, and i brought up my inability to communicate with them properly to my therapist, and she suggested that if any of the pokemon trainer alters are able to communicate with them, maybe use them as a translator of sorts? and i was just dumbfounded because not only is my therapist like, Not a pokemon fan and everything she knows about it is through me so i was impressed she thought of this, there was also a time i assumed both thru my trauma w the medical system and the system culture online that this was a conversation i would never possibly have in a medical setting. my introjection was silly, not something to be taken seriously, “faking”. but here was my therapist recommending this completely seriously to me and guess what: it worked! her suggestion fucking worked and solved a problem tormenting me for like a week

i’m kinda just rambling at this point but the notion that introject heavy systems aren’t real is a whole lot of bullshit and the fact that i put off getting mental health care for so long is also bullshit. there’s a whole lot of individuality per system that is not going to be thoroughly documented in the literature. kids are being raised in a different, fiction heavy environment these days, and if there’s an upwards trend of introject heavy systems i would not be surprised, and i think maybe that should be studied sometime. i really wish that the gatekeeping of uneducated randoms on the internet did not keep me from medical help for so long bc therapy changed my life

[yourstrulyray]

hi do you want to talk abt isaac.

basically i'm writing a cbs ghosts fic with a focus on some original characters but with a lot of nisaac and plenty of the entire cast in general

it'll have a lot of isaac's pov as well, with his thoughts about two people who can be openly queer in the modern era

but. since ive only watched like,, probably less than half of the show. i thought talking to someone else abt it could help me characterise everyone?? i also just want to talk abt it bc it's kind of a fixation right now haha

no pressure though!! hope you have a nice day

AAAAA yes please i would love to talk about my son hehdhd

let me list out some timelines pre-death first :3

isaac's marriage to beatrice: before or during 1773 the american revolutionary war: 1775-1783 nigel's death: 1776 isaac's death: 1777

so since the start of season 1, despite isaac's efforts we could all still see the fact he does not find women attractive (he literally called his wife, beatrice a handsome woman) so we're thinking bad comphet for our guy here.

(this only applies pre-nisaac) there are five male ghosts of the main cast, so when they all collectively agree that one girl is attractive (maybe not pete), isaac naturally plays along with it, but. plays along badly. everyone could tell that he did not find that girl attractive

as during nisaac, he is still obviously hesitant to be open because he had never been in a relationship with another man. a homosexual relationship. but not only is he hesitant, he is scared.

why is he scared? take a guess of what punishment you'd get for being gay in the 1770s (especially 1776).

the death penalty.

and we all know our guy isaac likes to talk about himself, he was so heavily disappointed to see that all he was in history was a footnote, and how he was jealous that his rival, hamilton, got a whole MUSICAL made about him (isaac loves musical theatre so thats twice the angy) so it's reasonable for him to be scared of death.

but hes already dead, why still be scared?

i actually dont know why but it's probably muscle memory for isaac to pretend. maybe he only found out that queerness was legalized/modernized through sam, not even through the recently dead ones. gotta hand it to him though i cant keep up a facade for more than a century XD

anyway, him being hesitant isn't the only problem, it's also the way he handles his relationship with nigel. his only other serious relationship was with a woman he wasn't even romantically interested in, so he has no healthy base to rely his current relationship with. also, his god-forsaken terrible communication skills, bros been pretending so much that even his personal feelings should be hidden 😭🙏 who hurt u man?

honestly his poo communication skills can still be linked back to his marriage with beatrice. maybe he had no problem with her, therefore no feelings were required to be shared, and he didn't have the need to communicate. but with nigel is a whole different situation.

oh yeah speaking of nigel, like isaac he doesn't have a healthy basis for a relationship. in this case, he previously was in a homosexual relationship, but it was only a sexual (?) one (with jenkins, but idk about the sexual part so jenkins fans back me up 🙏🙏).

we do see in the series that isaac is taking baby steps in the relationship, as opposed to nigel who rushes the starting-to-adjust stage, because this isn't his first gay relationship (whos gonna tell him) which then results to isaac having certain feelings about it, which then results to isaac not communicating as to pretend he can manage their relationship.

one thing about isaac's "certain feelings", it's usually about little things not even serious stuff. he had gone on many respites (temporary break up) with nigel because of their political beliefs (TGE WAR FUCKING ENDED GET OVER IT), hobbies, and personal likes. instead of adjusting to each other, they still choose to follow what they want instead of each other's wishes.

so, TLDR; nigel and isaac, despite having been in previous relationships, are doodoo at expressing themselves and adjusting to one another. (boo)

if you'd like the characterization of the other ghosts/sam and jay, my askbox is open at all times!! :3

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

[perplexingluciddreams]

can I ask a question if ur ok with it? I i rlly want semiverbam and nonverbal ppls thoughts and information on this over anyone else. can semiverbal mean u struggle with speech bc u often do not know what to say if it’s not a topic on your special interest? or otherwise your scripts which consist of like “that’s nice” or other short phrases.

like I can try to have conversation but my brain will go blank and I literarily cannot think of what to say therefore I cannot keep talking. or if I do talk I must repeat the same two word phrases over and over. i have struggled to make friendships bc of my issues with talking. we try to talk and get to know each other but even after YEARS they get barely anything out of me. I can say words it’s not a physical struggle but my brain can’t know what to say to say words often. so all of my life I’ve been known as a very very quiet barely speaks shy kid. I even often have trouble talking about my special interests if it’s not done over text rather than talking.

I have a very strong inner monologue lots of words but when it comes to actually talking I struggle. there are times I do talk fast and more though. And times around certain people I feel it is easier. but often it’s not. and even if I’m comfortable around a person I can still struggle.

but I’m not sure if this is a semiverbal thing or if I would still be verbal. i don’t want to wrongly use a term. any help on what semiverbal means and If any of this sounds relatable?

Hi, anon, I will do my best to answer your question. I can only speak from personal experience, as someone who grew up semiverbal and is now permanently fully nonverbal due to late regression.

Firstly, semiverbal is a community term (as in, not have medical definition, not used by doctors or professionals). It means someone who struggles with speech and/or verbal communication all the time. If this is a constant struggle for you (as in, not completely verbal sometimes and have “episodes” other times), I think you can use the word semiverbal to describe that experience.

It sounds like you struggle more with the language/word side, and less with the physical speech side. And social issues like struggling with back and forth conversation, cannot speak about any topic other than special interests, etc. can all overlap.

What you have written here sounds relatable to me in some parts, for how I was when I was younger, when I was semiverbal. I also had difficulty with my mouth blurting out things I didn’t mean and didn’t want to say, things that didn’t match my thoughts. But that was only partly due to the physical lack of control. It was also because I didn’t understand what I was saying/repeating. I didn’t have the ability to match my thoughts with words, or words/phrases with meanings. If I could see that I was “supposed” to say something, then if the physical ability was available to me at that moment, I would just say something I had heard someone else say, that had some kind of link. I could identify when something had a link or was on the same/similar topic, because of how my brain finds patterns. But I never understood what the majority of it meant - only understand for the most simple sentences and phrases.

I was rarely rarely able to use unique words or sentences to say my thoughts and feelings and experiences. My brain was blank or “quiet” a lot (still is). I mostly didn’t know when I should tell something, even important or dangerous or emergency things. I only grasped that I was supposed to say something when someone else talked then there is a silence and they look at me 🤷🏻‍♂️. Then I have to sift through the noises they just made, find a recognisable word, make a link with a script I remember hearing, and send it out my mouth. This is an example of how another aspect of my autism (low awareness, low social understanding) affects communication abilities/opportunities.

I personally don’t have a strong inner monologue, and I did have physical struggles with speech so not only language problems, but I can relate to what you’re saying in some ways. I was also a “very very quiet barely speaks shy kid”.

The language/word side is very important to communication. It is not only about the physical speech.

The main reason for the difficulties I have with communicating overall, is the language issues. And the language issues is the same, when I had physical speech before, and when I don’t have that ability anymore now. That is the main underlying struggle for communication.

I hope this answer was helpful for you. Anyone else who wants to add on, please do! And if I left anything out, or miscommunicated something, please correct me. This is my final disclaimer - I am only one person with one experience and this is all I know.

[earlgreytea68]

I've always thought it was so interesting in so many of pete's poems like you said in your analysis can be read as about pete but also about patrick. it just reminds me so much that they are peteandpatrick. I think a lot of that comes from how much they just really think of the world of each other. Pete is the more charismatic one from the outside but from pete's POV why would people not be leaning into to see what patrick has to say, he's brilliant.

It's very funny bc they say they make one perfect artist, but they also both attribute things that make a good artist to each other. Both see the other as good with people in some way (Pete is a social butterfly, patrick is very genuine), both say they can't make the music they make w/out the other. They are both very similar and also different in such an complimentary way I'm not shocked it's hard to describe and it makes lyrics about them both.

Yeah, I think a few things here:

One, they recognize the ways in which they are different and they really are ways that complement each other perfectly. They fill in each other's weak spots to make one perfect artists, as they know and acknowledge. (And another way of thinking about this is that they each have no weak spots, because they know the other one has their back wherever they might be less confident.)

Two, they actually attribute the awesomest parts of themselves to the other person, like, their modesty deflects and the other person becomes their mirror. Pete doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about how awesome he is but he spends a lot of time thinking about how awesome Patrick is, and Patrick doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about how awesome he is but he spends a lot of time thinking about awesome Pete is, but this means that the person they spend so much time thinking about it actually always thinking about them, and so they're stuck in this weird feedback loop with each other???? I don't know how to really describe it, as you say, or even what conclusion to reach on this, but the fact that they see their own strengths in each other instead of in themselves is just so interesting to me, like, they just feel comfortable praising things in each other but then it becomes that they can be comfortable with themselves, somehow?????

Three, I have looked in vain for this thing I wrote years and years ago and posted on LJ. I can't find it, I have no idea why, I know I didn't delete it, but none of the searches I run for it seem to locate it. Anyway, I wrote a thing on how having a beta is like getting married, in a way, and eventually you start forgetting who wrote what and what was original and what was a suggestion and basically you can't figure out as much where you end and the beta starts. And I just had, like, a normal beta relationship. I mean, she was a great beta! But she wasn't my creative soulmate for the rest of my life after we met as kids. So, like, imagine how much more intense it must be if you are that, like, it must be impossible to really figure out anymore where one of you ends artistically and the other begins. You're so intertwined that you don't need even to speak to each other anymore when you communicate.

Four, I just love the idea that Pete is the most interesting person in any room, according to multiple accounts. He just is one of Those People, with that kind of natural charisma that draws attention. Patrick has said as much but so have other people, people who knew him back in the scene, people in the bandom crowd, random people he meets in the modern era. So yeah, Pete is the most interesting person in the room -- but Patrick is the most interesting person in the room to Pete. This is such classic Social Butterfly / Favorite and so my utter weakness but when Pete writes a poem that seems to be all about him, the outside world's understanding of how devastatingly attractive and magnetic he is, of course Pete's really writing that poem about Patrick. He doesn't think he's all that interesting, he doesn't get it -- but Patrick is the most fascinating person he's ever met, he'll wax poetic about that all day.

And it's so easy to just say, "Oh, that self-centered Pete Wentz, always writing about himself." Indeed.

[judeesill]

sure, we agree on that… but your older post is.. also reminiscent of political lesbian thought lol. positing homosexuality/sexuality as something perhaps not 100% and possible to change via “unlearning patriarchal conditioning” is cornerstone in actual poliles. From what little I have seen of DS posts she does the thing that 98% of radblr does which is (pretending that they don’t want political lesbianism since they don’t call separatism and nihilism that)

also was that link part of a book or collection? It read similar to something I read in 2020 but I can’t for the life of me remember the name.

radfeminism as a movement though has been long rendered useless, anyone who actually wants to do radical organization needs a new moniker

Yeah, point taken. I will admit I’m more sympathetic to poliles than radblr mainstream in some ways, but I’m def more opposed to it in others. Re: sexuality (you don’t seem like the same anon with all the questions about this but if you are, and either way, here you go): I don’t really wanna get into it tho since my real opinion is “the science is not settled” but it feels incontrovertibly true that sexuality is subject to change, bc “sexuality” is a pattern of behavior inasmuch as a True Innate Fact About A Person. (Sorry, but Foucault made like, three good points.) Women DO unlearn patriarchal/heterosexual conditioning and discover they’re attracted to women, and sometimes they discover that what they thought was attraction to men was maybe something else. Like, that happens. Are those women all deep down secretly truly innately bisexual? Maybe, sure. Are all women? Maybe not, but like, definitely more of them than probably even realize it. Does it matter? imo, like, not really - and this is where I diverge from political lesbianism. I don’t think who you (want to) fuck should be the basis for feminist political identity, much less action. To be clear, I’m not even really coming down in favor of some universal polymorphous perversity, but I think the reason people balk at the suggestion that sexuality can and does change over time is that homophobes ostensibly believe the same thing. But obviously, the similarities stop there. You’d think self-professed TERFs would understand that the conservative clock is right twice a day…

I just think all women should be free to not sleep with men, whether or not they find themselves chemically compelled to do so. I just don’t think that choice is itself a feminist act, but one made possible by feminist organizing (by which I mean LITERALLY starting and joining ORGANIZATIONS) (NO DONATING MONEY TO CHARITIES DOES NOT COUNT!!!)

Speaking of which, uh… you’re right. 😬 i like to draw on the OG radical feminists/feminist radicals who led the left wing of women’s liberation movement, but the second feminists calling themselves radicals rejected the left and retreated to the communes …. it was over.

you’ll notice I don’t call myself a radfem. I Hope you don’t either. Too much baggage, and too many reactionaries who don’t know what they’re talking about.

If you know what to call the next wave, lmk. But I guess we need to build it first?

luckily there’s lots of good stuff on the successes and failures of the early women’s liberation movement in the Feminist Revolution anthology on redstockings.org (where what I linked was from)! Great archive, lots of women puzzling through the same problems that are repeating themselves now. They said some stupid shit, and they were wrong about a lot of things, and they totally changed the world. I wanna do a reading group of some of this stuff soon, anyone who wants to help organize hmuuu

[mishkakagehishka]

sits down in front of you. elaborate? 🤨

AWGH I SAW THIS IN THE INBOX AND FORGOT

Listen

Tbh I mainly thought about Valkyrie bc ValkyrieP and all but. I think they'll retire from the idol industry when they hit, like, idk, 30 or so. The idol industry prefers "the youth" and all. But I think they'd do it of their own will, too, when they reach a peak, they'd decide, this is it, this was Valkyrie. We had fun, we grew together, we made friends and enemies, we created art, but now it's time to close this chapter and move on. And I think by this time, they'll both have matured (tbh I blame a lot of the "oh he's fucked up" moments in enstars on the fact that the cast is. Literally made up of late teenagers, high schoolers are just like that), and Shu'd get his anger issues and perfectionism (mostly, he's still Shu, and the perfectionism stays for his art) under control, and Mika learns to be truly independent and he doesn't pedestal Shu as much as in his youth, but they never stop thinking of eachother as friends, comrades... anyway.

I think Shu probably grows a little taller, not by much, I don't think he'd change much in appearance because he'd still seek youthful beauty. He graduates, he starts creating art - paintings and sculptures alike - hosts exhibitions, is actually rather successful (the fact that he was already known as Shu of Valkyrie helped definitely, but he's also Really Good, I think his motifs would often be some sort of reflection of his trauma, of his mental state from Yumenosaki as he remembers it, maybe even some paintings with titles like, "From Mademoiselle's eyes" or how she saw the world in contrast to him ...). Mademoiselle speaks a lot less, too, but he still considers her a dear friend and part of his family, and like. You know, she's there when his stress flares up, whenever the trauma swims back up or he's feeling overwhelmed, or just lonely, I think.

Mika deserves to have a growth spurt because the Gap between him being a clumsy lil guy while at the same time being, like, 185 and relatively built would fit him well. But he's still more lean than muscly, because he continues dancing :') After some time of that, as the conversation turned this morning, I did add him organising workshops and dance lessons for the kids from poorer neighbourhoods and in orphanages, because I think he'd definitely be the type who'd want to "give back" to his community, even if it means just giving them a fun way to keep physically active. Volunteers a lot, too.

Idk the idea came to me when I was joking around with my friend, talking, "They go their separate ways when Valkyrie disbands, but then Ibara sets up a reunion party for CosPro, and Shu gets a heart attack when he sees how stacked Mika's become since the last time he saw him," but even that. They'd video call :) They're still friends, I think their bond has become such that it's unlikely to break easily. They have rough patches and fight, but it's like. The fact that they can fight and argue now instead of Shu just telling Mika what to do, is part of why I think they've got potential to be lifelong friends. When they mature a bit more HDBDBDHDJD

[marcyclone]

new hc + ships post bc my old one was long and unorganised

im going to be organising them by fandom so you can pick out the ones you actually care about and adding more on as i inevitably get into more musicals and i’ll try to keep it shorter than last time for each category ok go:

Ride the Cyclone🎢

ships:

SPACERAPS!! perfectsugardolls (separate or poly), nischa, oscha kinda cute ngl wiggles my eyebrows at it, lambcest

head(lol)canons:

(Per character)

Ocean: trans (masc or fem depending on my mood), undiagnosed mental disability, parents are abusive, developed anorexia because there’s never any food at her house. loves animals, becomes stressed if she feels like she doesn’t have control over her surroundings, can’t cook because no one taught her how, scratches her arms habitually, has abundant arm hair regardless of agab

Noel: views ocean as a little sister, insults people to show affection, his mother is an alcoholic and extremely homophobic and has intentionally frightened him with threats of aids if he does as much as kiss another man. picks at his cuticles a lot, also doesn’t know how to cook but is trying to self teach so he can provide for ocean

Mischa: talia is wicked abusive, his parents prefer not to even see him, he essentially vaporises the thought of potentially being bisexual before it even crosses his mind. the more hats he’s wearing at once, the more hyper he is. forward facing hat means trouble.

Penny: autistic, doesn’t think even once before speaking, says things that are usually rude or out of pocket or straight up disturbing and morally reprehensible without even thinking, has a slew of fucked up sexual fantasies due to her exposure to similar things in the commune, self harms to control her restlessness and less to cope with depression, DOES know how to cook

Ricky: pansexual, hyper, teases and makes snarky comments to show affection, gets snippy with ocean too easily, very sexual person in general, craves and requires physical affection, becomes absolutely overjoyed when anyone includes him in anything

Constance: allergic to cats, lesbian but refuses to label herself because she thinks lesbian is a bad word, burns herself on the café kitchen appliances, lips are often swollen due to biting, has gotten a lot quieter and more reserved over time since ocean made the choir

Heathers❤️💛💚💙

Ships:

JDronica, chansaw, mac x Veronica, mac x duke (if you think im going to write the actual ship names with my own two thumbs you’re wrong), Kurt x ram??? kum???

Headcanons:

Veronica: sits really weird, every time she sits on a wide seat like her bed or a sofa she sits butterfly legged with the soles of her feet pressed together, started saying ‘very’ ironically to mock chandler and it ended up becoming part of her vocabulary, has an affection for reptiles, wants a monitor lizard desperately, throws things when she’s upset, likes to hear things make loud noises

Chandler: only actually likes veronica, really she just tolérâtes her, low-key admires Veronica because Veronica is a senior, there’s no motive for her personality she just is actually an asshole, needs to be in control and if she isn’t she freaks the fuck out, ‘tried out’ bulimia too because she was honestly jealous of dukes figure, now has a vomit kink

Mac: transfem, is technically above duke in the pecking order but acts like she’s at the bottom, cuts her ankles only and picks her skin off all over her body, tends to get anxious when she feels literally any extreme emotion, terrified of chandler and would probably be a really funny person to be around if she wasn’t trapped under chandlers thumb, lets duke spend time with her bird

Duke: constantly jealous of everyone around her, miserable home life, abusive parents AND brother, wants to have pets but her parents won’t let her, vents to Tweety to the point he has become her personal therapist and she will literally break into Mac’s bedroom just to talk to him, likes to draw but no one cares or shows interest so she doesn’t do it even though she’s really good at it

JD: he’s literally just insane, dad is orin scrivello (joking… kind of; he is in spirit), works out excessively to the point he overexhausts his body, really likes winter, likes ice in general, his pet hamster is named Pringle and is the only reason he stays on this god forsaken planet, id give him a sexuality but honestly he just likes anyone he can abuse and take control over, consent? who’s that?

Mean Girls🔥📔

Ships:

Regina x Gretchen, Janis x Kevin is low-key cute af, Cady x Gretchen, Karen x Seth (JOKING)

Headcanons:

Regina: has a bit of repressed homosexuality at any given time but it doesn’t affect her too much, actual hypersexual but in the unhealthy way, physically, sexually and mentally abusive and manipulative towards Gretchen specifically, actually enjoys being insulted and degraded, genuinely loves animals

Gretchen: will put up with anything from Regina as long as she gets praise from her, very easily manipulated, "straight" but will fold for anyone with authority over her, acts sexual to fit in with Regina but doesn’t really like sex in general, will literally be raped by whoever is in charge of her and thank them afterwards

Karen: is actually just having fun, has no idea how she got in the clique, she’s just being silly, no clue where she is most of the time, likes dogs, she’s a pretty sexual person but she switches between owning it and being embarrassed of if, confident in her abilities to do anything which actually makes her really great at picking up new hobbies

Cady: observing animals has given her an insatiable desire to lead a pack, really likes monkeys, very autistic, makes jokes that no one fucking understands because she sounds like this🤓, is also abusive to Gretchen when she’s in charge of her but a lot less than Regina (she doesn’t rape her is basically the only difference)

[astralartefact]

dawntrail fanfest thoughts (& prayers) Part II London

(Part I >> here)

Pour one out for Krile, I miss her.

My opinion hasn't really changed so far, still pretty optimistic over here. I didn't really get anything I really wanted (except for one thing, we'll get to it), but the things I didn't really like weren't catastrophic either, so... Let's just get into it.

Viper I don't know if I like this more or less than I would have liked Corsair (which I wouldn't have liked bc I think pirates are boring). I like the concept of the two combined swords and I think it could look very flashy, but from what I've seen so far I'm not particularly interested, the in-game job trailer really didn't do anything for me.

I guess it's because this job seems very very FF16 to me but in a bad way. Lore and Realism but with fantasy fire effects just doesn't really make for an iconic aesthetic imo... but hey, maybe they just hid the best parts from the job introduction video, they showed like two or three skills at most lol. But who knows.

But as long as I get my Green Mage/Pictomancer I'm not going to complain too much about this one. Good for the people who really love this! Love that for you!

My Green Mage/Pictomancer Hopes and Dreams Koji said "We should look to his [Yoshi-P's] hints from last fanfest" for the remaining job - so Pictomancer is still possible!!!!!! It's not over until it's over!!!

I once again realize that I shouldn't have gotten myself attached to something that might not actually be happening. If they don't do Green Mage/They do Green Mage wrong I will be so disappointed lol

It's just that I can see them do your average generic Druid instead because 'something something we need to cater to a western audience now bc FF16, Final Fantasy legacy stuff is cringe actually so we need to make everything generic western fantasy to be taken seriously' and I'm very much not here for that. Just give me a charming little Green Mage with a big staff or maybe with a judge's mallet - or maybe like one of those shogun war fans??? But I'll take whatever, even the weird ugly little gimmick you're bound to come up with.

The Limited Job Beastmaster and if it's not it better be something truly out there and not just some half-assed BS. Yoshi-P, you have to show the community you listen just a little bit, it's getting dire out here.

Eliminator Is it just me being desperate for Hamauzu-based Remixes or does this thing exude FF13 energy... Makes me wonder if the Tural-based Technology we've seen in that one dungeon art might be FF13 inspired? I just hope it isn't just Allagan again, make it another nation that lived around that time.

The Areas Kozama'uka looks really pretty... I love when fantasy background elements you can't even reach are "too big" (like FF7 Remake's Midgar Skyboxes) - so I guess Shaaloani still has a chance to win me over depending on whatever we find there. Speaking of which: Shaaloani is exactly what I pictured/dreaded a New World based expansion would look like and I do not particularly like it, I was hoping we would be save from bargain bin wild west stuff at least until we went to Northern Tural. I also hope that the pseudo-oil stuff is just lore and won't be a big part of the msq because good gravy Yoshi-P hire a diversity consultant already I'm dying over here.

The Graphics Update Now let's give it up for the real MVP of the day for all of us no graphic mod people (and to the graphic mod people that complain 'we already had that for years', quit your yappin, 85% of you don't have taste anyways.) The new lighting stuff looks amazing - especially what they did with the fog, it looks gorgeous, I'm so excited. The lighting updates on the character models look so good, too... I think you can really see the difference in that picture they showed of the femRoe scholar in the new AF gear. And the glow up on Midlander Face 1 is amazing. Is that even allowed?? This was slumbering under there all this time???

The Alliance Raid Let's just all pretend we never thought Sakaguchi was going to do them (even though he literally said he wouldn't want to do one) and never talk about it again.

Anyways. FF11. Leaving the best thing for last - this is the thing I was really happily surprised by.

I'm so happy for FF11 :) That game has it fcking rough. It's constantly the one Final Fantasy game that's just. Not even considered. Even what we would reasonably call "Real" FF fans always just leave it out of everything because "MMO" (of course ever since shb that became "the worse MMO" instead) and casual gamers - even ones that play certain FF games - probably don't even realize that nobody ever talks about 11.

But it has so many cool concepts that would warrant a treatment like Eden with FF8 - meanwhile FF14 is directly built on things 11 provided, so many of our base fundamentals, so many generic mob designs, so many of our job concepts, so many things we just take for granted come from FF11 but it still never really got the same attention as the other FFs. Yeah, Eureka and Bozja are kind of based on it, but the way it is referenced is just so different from how most of the other FFs are represented in the game - it's always just the other MMO and it deserves to be treated the same as the others: as the mainline Final Fantasy game that it is.

So I hope they give it the respect it deserves. I need these to be better than Ivalice, just so FF11 gets enshrined somewhere in some way. Their legacy is on the line, Yoshida, so don't fuck it up!!!!! And make sure to include Memoro de la Stono because I like it!!!

I do hope they don't just make one of the Reflections actual FF11 Vana'diel though, I think that would be kind of lazy, it only worked with Y:DA and even there I'm the only person who liked that because I think Kingdom Hearts Bullshit Timeline Shenanigans are fun. I hope this is a FF14 version of Vana'diel like how Ivalice is our Ivalice - with certain concepts reinterpreted through our lense while others reappear almost identically, similar to the FF12 summons.

Now, I haven't actually played 11, I'm just a passionate bystander in all of this, but the one recommendation on things 11 I can give is the Record Keeper version of Awakening - most Record Keeper arrangements are amazing (see FF13's Blinding Light) but this is definitely one of their best.

Anyways! I'm really excited for what they do with it! I don't have any particular fear they're going to fuck the raids up, from a pure spectacle standpoint (the only standpoint that matters) they generally only get better. (except for eulogia) (fuck eulogia) I do hope they make them a little more challenging again, but I also won't be mad if they don't. Just don't ruin your own lore again like with Eulogia (fuck eulogia)! Also, I would love to see the Ark Angels, especially their armors as raid drops kthxbye <3

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Out of curiosity, I know that some kpop companies (hybe, jyp, maybe etc.) are trying to start these international groups trained in the kpop mold but from all countries and all singing in English. Do you foresee there being an appetite for this? Is this still kpop to you? (full disclosure I was the anon that accidentally got hooked on dream academy and, though they don't show it, I'm really fascinated by the behind the scenes of it all bc it's really heart-warming how they've all seemed to develop such strong bonds despite many language barriers and many national backgrounds)

Somewhat relatedly, I'm interested to see how the genre is impacted long-term by the increased international focus, including doing more English tracks and an increasing preference for English-speaking trainees, potentially resulting in less focus on the korean market. The siloing of kpop to the korean market was of course bad in one way bc fewer people were exposed to it and got to experience the genre, but I wonder what the genre, to the extent that it can be readily defined, might stand to lose by focusing outward. Maybe nothing of course, and it's just another example of linguistic imperialism. It'll be interesting to see. I don't expect you to predict the future! I just wanted to put down some thoughts

I remember you! Welcome back!

I don't know if what I feel is right, but I don't really want to see people who aren't of Asian descent in kpop? Actually, my problem is more with white people from more privileged countries. Kpop's recent popularity in the West means Western countries, especially the US and in Europe, are being exposed to a different culture, and Asian communities in those countries are seeing themselves represented. Having songs with Korean lyrics such as LGO and the Savage Love remix reach number 1 on the Hot 100 is so cool. We're all so used to English we forget that it's just a language and that other languages are valid. I used to feel insecure about my English, despite it being great, because it isn't perfect and I don't sound like a native. BTS showed me how "random" it all is. In Kpop, Korean is the dominant language even if us outsiders don't speak it, and it's such a cool language. I became interested in Korean and less interested in English through Kpop. Most idols don't speak English that well and it's all cool, thus I was able to take pride in how fluent I am and stop regretting the fact that I'm not an English native speaker. I literally used to dream that I was born in the US or Canada, just because I would be a native English-speaker (nevermind the fact that English in an official language in other countries...). I still love English, but I don't worship the language anymore. Seeing a group form a small, ignored country become so famous that people even started learning more about it and its language felt like representation even to me who is from a "popular" European country - Portugal has grown a lot recently, but when I was younger no one talked about us, and a lot of people to this day think we're a Spanish colony or something. I used to feel so invisible and insignificant, especially being from a small town...

I don't know, I don't really want to see a bunch of privileged white Americans in kpop. They already have a whole industry for them. Maybe kpop will be like hip hop? It's still dominated by black artists but so global. Of course, there is the issue of culture appropriation... I don't know much about this topic, but my issue is: aren't most songs already in English? We need "kpop" groups singing in English too? Part of the beauty of kpop is breaking what you called the linguist imperialism. There's a difference between Asian artists singing in English to expand their reach, because that allows for representation, shows that Americans and Europeans aren't the only ones who can become famous, and inevitably exposes the artists' fans to their own culture and language too, and international groups singing in English. What do we even mean by international? If the groups are truly diverse that could be great in terms of representation, introducing audiences to different cultures and languages, etc. Are these groups mostly going to be made up of people from privileged countries? These companies will likely privilege native English speakers or fluent English speakers (more common in Western countries, I think?), and also white or of East Asian descent...

I'm thinking aloud but I don't really know the kinds of groups that are being put together, since I don't watch survival shows. I don't know if I'm being small-minded and trying to gatekeep kpop. I wonder what Koreans and Asian communities in general think about this?

But this is an interesting topic you've raised! I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of discourse about it. For now these groups are just starting out, right? We don't know how successful they'll be. We already have XG who sort of fit this concept, but they're all Japanese so it's different. I wonder how confusing it will be for Western audiences who are just being introduced to kpop and now have kpop without Asians (or with non-Asians). And Asian countries where kpop is mainstream, would they care for these groups? They might be indifferent to them? It might not make a difference the language they're singing in or how they were trained?

Thanks for the ask! I'm too ignorant to answer you. These are more questions than opinions! I'd love to hear your thoughts, as someone with an actual understanding of how these groups are being created!

[bitchfitch]

I found the og draft of that mermaid thing and like, it's not at All the vibes I'll be going for with the story in the future. but it is interesting in its own way.

Anyways, my notes on it bc I'm not posting it (i don't want to edit it)

1. Jish is way fucking meaner in this one. My dude is actively violent towards other mermaids and nearly kills an intern bc he's cranky Nereida can't come play.

2. mermaids in general are stupider and less like, communal. No real culture or unity across the species with individuals being more aggressive towards each other and completely solitary outside of brief bouts of cooperation for child making and rearing.

3. honestly they're closer to a standard smaug type dragon but wet than what they are in the current draft.

4. The shadow over innsmouth inspirations are Way more apparent. This first draft was a horror story and Nereida's transformation was gradual and terrifying for him.

5. Jish was a fucking Awful partner. like, he was never hurtful or violent towards Nereida but his aggression and stubborness about all other humans was so pronounced that Nereida was abandoned in an alien otherworld during the storm season when every other human left because Jish was Absolutely going to kill anyone who suggested or attempted to make (help) Nereida leave.

6. The final scene was planned to be Nereida warning the other researchers against singing, and that if they did they best be prepared to be heard.

Anyways it's just. A vibe difference i wasn't expecting to see.

Jish has his issues, he's still not going to be great about other humans and not being territorial over Nereida, but he's going to be much more reasonable about it. He's not violent towards other mers and is instead a beloved part of the community. There's a community now with a recognizable culture and two languages tied to it. One that's a sorta mish mash of various human languages warped to fit the needs of the mermaids with a lot of unique words, and the whale song sounding one. A language for actually speaking and conveying thoughts in and one for shouting real loud accross vast stretches of ocean to keep in contact and communicate simpler ideas.

the horror themes are still there but they're more in line of the horrors of capitalism and the endless expansion and destruction needed to feed it. The institute is a Lot less nice in the new draft. They know what Nereida is before he does and him being involved with the mission despite not being especially qualified is entirely because they wanted to see what would happen to him.

the human-mer transformation is an at will thing that they can all go back and forth between. Nereida just doesn't know how to trigger it and will find out (i also don't know how he would trigger it, drowning is definitely involved though)

I'm Undecided about what the new ending will be but it's hopeful, and happy, and Nereida is probably going to end up acting as an ambassador/point of communication between humans and mermaids.

overall the story is shifting to be more about Nereida discovering himself and a world, and culture, and family he didn't know he belonged too, and sorta getting closer on a lot of things while also falling in love with a hot merman. The story has it's dower notes, but it's ultimately a pure happily ever after in the end. No asterisks needed.

[femme-enby]

Does anyone else sometimes just think… “why am I like this?”

Not necessarily in a self-depreciating way, but more so in like… a curious way?

Like… I have to wonder, what would I have been like if my parents had been capable of communicating with each other healthily? If they had divorced earlier when the issues really started? If they had gotten professional help?

What would I be like if they were the type of parents who got their kids tested, did research, and tried to help their kids by making the home more accessible?

What would I be like if my parents had made our home a place where I felt safe expressing my emotions? What if they had taught me actual healthy ways of emotional regulation, processing my emotions, and expressing them?

How much of how I am is related to how I was raised vs my ADHD or the fact that I’m probably Autistic?

Why do I struggle so much to express my emotions verbally, to the point where I either become snappy, shut down, or have to text people instead of verbally speaking to them when something is wrong in a personal sense?

I sometimes wish I wasn’t like that. Sometimes it seems to be the “normal” option though… but at the same time, like others have said… therapists don’t seem to know what to do with you when you’re incredibly self aware.

Like… yes, I’m well aware I’ve got trauma, I react to some things in less than healthy ways, this is the best I’ve got on being better/circumventing that bs, but like… how do I be BETTER?

And even my last therapist was like “wow, well you seem very conscious of everything” yes, and that tends to also be a part of the problem. Bc this, this self-studying thought process, is sometimes exactly the problem.

Even my own emotions end up under the microscope, I don’t know how to JUST feel them when they’re tied to like… something personally affecting me. I recognize my trauma and its impact. But what does it even mean to just… feel your emotions?

Like… mentally, imagine it like… someone studying germs or something. I see them, I take note of them existing… but then like… my therapist would ask “okay and what does it feel like when you’re stressed? What are some bodily responses you have?” Fuck if I know? I think… I get kinda sweaty maybe? But… typically in stressful situations, I just get irritated about whatever is MAKING it stressful, or I just kinda… emotionally shut down?

Like… if a situation is stressful bc someone is doing something wrong, I’m just pissed at them. In which case it’s more like mentally I’m either shit talking them or heavily critiquing them. But like… if you asked me what anger felt like…? Idk… hot? Buzzing in my brain? Anger sometimes feels like disgust, at least in this scenario- disgust towards the person. What does disgust feel like? Idk. Irritation? Frustration? Disappointment?

If a situation is stressful bc someone got hurt or something like that, I immediately just shift into “fix it” mode. Calm them down. Inspect the injury. Clean the injury if skin is broken. Treat the injury however it is meant to be treated. Entire time ensure the person is calm and knows that I’ve got em, I’m gonna patch them up/get them to someone who can patch them up. Once they are, I check if there’s anything else- need some water? Did the stress give you a headache? Need just a few more moments to collect yourself? Good? We get back to it and I either keep an eye on them or let them know that if they need help with anything else I’d be happy to.

If I’m angry bc someone is being confrontational to someone else… then it’s more… frustration mixed with this burning need for… justice? To protect? So I often put myself into harms way with little to no thought.

Why am I the way I am? Why don’t I “feel” emotions? What does that mean in a personal sense?

Is this abnormal? Why am I not normal? Why do I sometimes feel so… inhuman?

[viridian-artist]

Okay I don't wanna be rude or anything rkght-? But I'm very new to the selfship community, I mean I've always selfshipped bit I didn't know there was a COMMUNITY yknow

Anyways whenever I selfshipped I never saw them as mine or anything or actuslly as my partner it was always just haha and wishful thinking, but when I joined that selfship community I saw stuff about sharing

Which I've never ever seen before. Then I looked at some people's accounts and realized they were referring to their f/o's as their boyfriends and girlfriends etc

So basically, do people actuslly get upset that other people selfship with someone they selfship

Like does it ACTUALLY affect their mental health

Bc for me they were never MINE they were js a character I was into. But then it gets kinda more concerning when it's not just Hobie brown or Alistor or Husk. Fictional characters aren't as concerning. But when it comes to real people, like Rendog or Joel or Grian can you really call them yours? These are REAL people mind you and they don't belong to anyone.

Anyways, I'm just hoping you can explain you're thought process or something,I hope this wasn't rude

First off, who said anyone here was selfshipping with IRL Rendog, Grian, or whoever else? As shown in the screenshot below of my PINNED POST::

I've personally only ever selfshipped with CHARACTER Rendog, hence the "c!" part in front of his name. I know there are people that purely see the cubito as the content creator, yet I am of the group that places a separation between the two. I love the content creator, don't get me wrong, but I ONLY selfship with the silly dog hybrid character he plays on the silly Minecraft server.

Secondly, yes. It can absolutely affect someone's mental health. I am not ashamed of admitting that I can get very upset by it, yet I'm working on it. I acknowledge it's not the healthiest thing in the world to be so heavily attached to a fictional character.

That said, it's not like I willingly act this way. I'm not going into the nitty gritty of WHY I'm so attached to cRendog other than saying that it's a mix of me having formally found Ren (the content creator) and his Hermitcraft Season 9 POV shortly after escaping a toxic/abusive relationship and seeking comfort as well as stress from having battled medical issues last year. I say formally because I knew who he was due to the Life/Traffic series, but I never quite got around to watching UNTIL Hermitcraft Season 9.

I personally view cRendog as my boyfriend. Not in a serious way, of course, but rather I find comfort in that. Even then, it's the specific version of cRendog that I've gradually changed? Nothing drastic or heavily different. The cRendog I selfship with is a mix of the one we see on Hermitcraft with some headcanons, as seen below::

The cRendog I personally selfship with is a fat transmasc bigender dog hybrid with a tooth gap, paints his nails, and (now) has grey hairs mixed in with his long brown hair.

There's more shifts and adjustments to his personality and mannerisms that I won't go into here (as it's not entirely relevant other than they exist). These changes exist because I've spent so much of my personal time drawing art and writing and simply talking about the relationship he'd have with my Hermitsona/self insert.

He may not be real, instead lines on a page and pixels on a screen, but it's what he REPRESENTS that affects me. I care deeply for him and genuinely appreciate what he's done for me as a comfort character. I refer to him less as a comfort character and more like a boyfriend, simply because to me? It simply suits the situation more.

Overall, I can't speak for others and how they selfship or how it affects them. Nor do I intend to speak for them. This is how it is for me with cRendog. Again, you're not being rude, and I don't mind answering further questions.