#bc it was less about the actual speaking part and more the communicating my thoughts in any way angle

[pollyanna-nana]

Anyone else w/ selective mutism (either now or as a kid) feel kind of weird abt fanworks always giving characters who have it sign language to communicate with. Like on the one hand I get it but on the other I didn’t have that experience I just couldn’t talk and Suffered.

[hey-i-am-trying]

hi, tripoier here! Long text incoming alert and a detailed explanation of the situation for qsmpblr (also sorry if I make some typos I'm writing without translator)

Yeah I also saw what happened today with the og admin of Pepito and I have a lot to say about it. First of all I'm not speaking in behalf of the community but I'm my own experience of the situation. I watched the development of Pepito's story since day one and fell in love with that little guy (and his laggy PC). Then second day arrived and I noticed the admin change bc he was less laggy and I've learned enough Portuguese and 07's (Richas admin) mannerisms to recognize when he's playing a character, even Roier noticed but didn't say anything until the screencap incident lol

Few day passed and 07 created such a cute and wholesome personality for Pepito, that contrasted very well with the role that roier was having at the moment— that it's understandable that it may not be too comfortable for some people but for the ones that had been watching Roier's story in the server + his relationship with Bobby, we take it with humor/hope for him to heal slowly after what happened in Purgatory and with Bobby (and believe me, Bobby had a HUGE impact on how Roier behaved with the rest of he eggs after his death)

So during the days 07 played as Pepito all the tripoiers were in this state of hope because we knew how much q!Roier was trying hard to not to get attached to Pepito, he knew the moment something happens to him he was gonna suffer A LOT, and Pepito was this pure, innocent ray of sunshine that it was imposible for us not to love immediately (Roier also did from day one but he loved to play with us + his lore at the moment was being in depression for the lost of his husband and having Richas and Leo in their comatose state). Also, is worth to mention that after he discovered it was 07 the one playing as Pepito he became more playful and started to tease him just to make him go out of role (and succeeded one time). Which is why he used the chancla a lot with him, as a shield for the feelings that were starting to grow on him again.

Then, Otipep happened.

This is the part I'm gonna be more careful to explain bc there is a language barrier that for the people who don't have Spanish as their first language they cannot understand or got confused

When Otipep appeared Roier noticed that it was another admin playing as Pepito because 07 was busy helping with Q's lore, we don't know if he recognized immediately that it was the original one or just a random temporary admin, but he noticed that this Pepito appeared where the fist one disconnected (in the garden outside of his house). Some people noticed that it was the original one and got happy bc it meaned that finally Pepito had his permanently admin back and bc Richas and the others eggs were also back from the coma we could see them both at the same time (roier used to joke about it every time 07 was around)

We also thought that the og admin had been catching up with the role that 07 has built so far with Pepito (which was not, and we would never know if it was either miscommunication between the admins or the og admin just decided to ignore the actual role to keep their 'idea' for the role), so at first we were a little bit shocked when this Pepito started acting so "dry" (idk if this is the correct word) with Roier, bc we had already gotten used to Pepito's tender way of speaking, but we just let that pass for a bit.

But then that "dry" behavior started going to go down a path were even we as an audience started getting uncomfortable, because roier was trying to socialize with the admin but they clearly didn't knew what's has been going on these past days, so Roier take the time to make a summary of the last days with his typical chill humor, and while he was doing that everything reached its final point with the sign "hueles a culo también hijo de puta" = you also smell like ass son of a bitch.

now This. THIS right here is what destroyed everything. Because you would say "oh, it's just Pepito following Roier's game, it's was in a playful way".

No.

It. was. not.

When Roier starts calling someone with some swears or related words is always in a playful way, and there is context and trust behind. When Otipep put that sign Roier was making a summary of the role that 07 has been doing with Pepito, bc he didn't wanted to let them behind, and while doing that he always explain with his usual humor to make it less unconformable for the admin/ entertained for his audience.

So when he placed that sign we all get out of the loop because it came from nowhere, even Roier kept silence of a few second because 1). it sounded rude, that sign was so out of place 2). Roier was explaining the last few days to the admin so he can keep up with the role, he was not "joking" with the admin, or moving on to another topic, he was helping the admin. 3). We, as an audience, felt so shocked because they weren't saying that to Roier in a playful way, they were giving weight to those words. And this is the part that people that do not have Spanish as their first language doesn't understand. They gave weight to the insult. They didn't wrote that as a joke, they directly INSULTED the streamer.

Then roier proceeded to hit him with the chancla bc he wanted to take the control back of the situation in a humorous way, a damage control in other words, because the chat was filling with "??????" And people getting offended and angry (justified, even I felt offended) with the admin, but Roier is not of those type of persons and he always try to make his streams a safe place for his community, so if you ask me he did a really well job handling the situation even tho he felt offended and his audience noticed that for the rest of the stream (hell, even days later)

And if that was not enough, Roier kept trying to save the situation but the admin was not cooperating, with the "no he preguntado"= I've not asked you and other sign that I just don't remember and is not really worth it (and bc Otipep literally left Roier speaking alone with the "I'm going to look for better parents" and went to spawn zone), he just gave up trying and waited for Richas to come back (which was also chocked w the situation)

And this is me speaking from a non-neutral tone, but I think we could've had a Roier being super loving and caring with Pepito if this situation didn't happen in the first place, bc after this I noticed that Roier stopped tried to get close to Pepito, the situation really affected him so whatever role he was building with the character he just simply stopped and changed the dynamic with another one more limited and less parental, but keeping his usual humor bc it was not the fault of the actual admin or 07, it is what it is unfortunately.

That's why I'm so glad that the actual admin and Ricardão did such a good job saving Pepito because the Spanish speaking community was about to drop him, even streamers friends of Roier that are not part of the qsmp acknowledge the behavior of Otipep with Roier (if that doesn't say a lot about how complicated it was on this side of the road)

And even after all these things there was people out there calling the Spanish speaking community as dramatic or harassing Roier when the situation happened (and it seems they still do it :/ ), but most of us kept quiet because we respect Roier and as he says, mejor pasamos de movidas.

and well, this is it, I know I'm missing some points in the story but honestly getting into fights or hate in general is not my thing, I wanted to give some context for the people of Tumblr because I know, at least here people take the time to read and are more chill unlike twt, and I hope I gave some clarification for the rest of the communities that are not native in Spanish, I really really love Pepito and I'm so glad we had 07 and the actual admin there to play this character, I still can't believe that person had the audacity to come out proudly as Pepito's 1st admin when literally no one from the Spanish community considers his 2 appereances as canon after their blunder xd

Thank you for sharing!

I understand that some stuff are hard to translate, thank you for taking the time. I didn't know that your community was being called dramatic because of that! That is dumb as hell and I am sorry it happend in the first place.

Of course we are no in business of spreading hate. I have always tried to see the other side of situations, I think from what I read in the admin's doc they had some kinda of vision for the character, but I guess they didn't realized that well, they were not going to become automaticly friends with Roier and have room to "joke" like that just because they have become an egg admin. Probably my best guest of what it happend.

It is really weird, maybe they were banking on the support that the other admins have gotten? Or they actually never realized how insulting they have come out as.

Well, I don't have much to say, except I am sorry it happend at all with Roier and the hispanic community.

[criminal-sen]

Hello!! Going back to that post about being ok with people asking you about your fic... can I? 🙏 I'm gonna 🫣

So when I first found Imperfect, I hadn't watched Bleach in... dunno... 10-15 years?? Gawd don't wanna think about it. So, I'd forgotten a lot of stuff, and I hadn't finished the last 3-4 seasons. So I thought a lot of stuff you wrote about was canon, and when I rewatched it all for the upcoming 3rd part of tybw, I was like... so when are you guys gonna mention this??

But anyway, focusing on the actual question, how did you come up with all the little details about Mayuri? Like the way he talks to AJ in their own internal world, the microdosing of Super Human drug in daily life and they way it feels, the ability to smell pheromones... it makes the story, which is already awesome, much more realistic to me. It's almost like he wrote it himself, it's so, so enjoyable. Love it sm, you already know 😊

Anyway, no pressure to answer, just been thinking about it for a while and thought I'd chance it!

Aw that's so cool u mistook my stuff for canon, I feel like it's Highest Honor for ff to be believable enough to trick someone>:3c Tho I'm sure it was kinda frustrating too, sorry for that haha (and I've also been fooled so I very much understand the feeling)

Future Sen here: when I say I'm long-winded, this is what I'm talking about. This is like.. the textbook definition of Verbose. So under a cut it goes, have fun with soooooo many words:D

Hmm so the microdosing Superhuman Drug just popped into my head right before I wrote it in (chapter... 5? I think? Where he's sitting in the hotel after a flashback), I think I was having a bit of a conundrum on how he could sit there and have such a long and detailed flashback in such a short time? And before I could do the obvious fix of having more time pass, as literally nothing was at stake time-wise, I remembered the Superhuman Drug exists. And the more I thought about it, the more sense it made for him to use it, to the point where I choose believe it's canon unless proven otherwise XD Like you can't tell me someone whose whole thing is Thinking wouldn't jump at the opportunity to do more of it in less time. As for the way it feels, hmmm idk, I just thought real hard and made it up. All we know from canon is what he explained to Szayel, and what Szayel experienced, which is just. Brain thinks faster, making time feel as though it's passing slower. And od'ing on it is Real Bad💀

Hheeeehooo What Next>:3 (btw im having a blast rn, ty for giving me a free pass to be sooooo long winded about this very niche thing XD) Right, Jizo communication here we go>:33333 So him talking to Jizo was based on what I read in a wiki about the Zanpakuto... rebellion arc? I think it's called (could definitely be wrong)? Where everyone's zanpakuto spirit is running amok? I just remember reading he didn't speak. And though I have mixed feels about the design (hence he is Moth in my fic XD), him not speaking really made sense to me. He just seems like such a fucked up little guy🤔 Like.. okay so I've mentioned this briefly in a chapter preface but want to elaborate... so I strongly believe he consents to being modified, cuz even Mayuri would probably have a hard time wielding a zanpakuto that fucking hates him. Which means he's loyal (arguably to a fault) and trusts Mayuri to do very fucked up and painful things to him. Which, to be fair, Mayuri does equally painful and fucked up things to his own body.. and that makes me wonder if Jizo isnt merely consenting but is of the same mind about this fuckery? Like idk if I can even say this in a way that makes sense🤦‍♂️ but I like to think they share this no-holds-barred, nothing-is-sacred delight for experimenting on themselves. Like Jizo is also a mad scientist in all but name>:3 (I decided on this version bc it Fucks Severly imho, but also bc it's FAR less depressing than the overly-trusting, Stockholm syndrome one, like i cannot deal with writing something that sad tbfh) Anyway, regardless of which version, he is an intensely weird Creachure. And I just can't fathom him saying fucking.. anything... that would even remotely make sense to anyone but Mayuri??? And the telepathy thing just fits Mayuri's whole.. fast thinking, Big Brain vibe. If a zanpakuto were to impart information to him through words, I can see him tapping his foot like GET TO THE POINT>:(

Lastly, the pheromone thing.. haha well this one's pretty short (future Sen here, i am a liar! It is not short😬) - I borrowed it from another ff. It's that one I mentioned at the end of.. who knows which chapter... Quantum Mechanics by Illegitimi (no link, sorry, might put one after i post)... which was Mayuri/Isane, and which I loved So Much back in the day, despite hetero romance being kind of a fuckin.. icky vibe for me in regards to Mayuri. No problem with it fyi, just usually wouldn't choose to read about it. Ugh I'm talking too much about it already but I have changed a LOT since.. 2016? Give or take? And I don't think I could stand it nowadays for a whole bunch of reasons. But. BUT. It was very well written and had some very cool hcs for him that I've clung onto. The pheromone one just fits him - if he could sharpen his ability to sense something, ofc he'd do it - plus it's very fun for romance and smut reasons, which is undoubtedly why the author thought of it. They also had that scar across his nose, though iirc it was kinda squiggly and not the upside down V that I made up. In my defense though, there's a lot I didn't borrow from that fic, too. Some highlights: Mayuri practiced feng-shui (like he'd spend his precious Sciencing time to do smth like that smh) he had these absolutely luxurious captains quarters, complete with a whole fancy bathhouse, like there was a waterfall and shit nsvdhshdv (I'll admit this was quite fun in the ff but i obviously interpret his quarters a lot differently)... and, last one I mention I promise😬 his paint rubbed off easily, big reason why I changed it tbfh cuz it immediately didn't make sense to me, like his hands especially? Is that different paint than the rubbing off paint? Or does he leave paint on every surface he touches, and discreetly wipe it up and reapply before anyone notices???? Expmain yourself, ff writer😤 jk jk it was really good for what it was, and I still very much appreciate it for helping me form my version<3

Omfg I really... shit what time is it😭 (over an hour, I've been sitting here for over an HOUR jesus fucking.. goddamn) Okay well I don't get to blab v often about this stuff, and it turns out I have a LOT of words in me today! So it was a perfect storm😩 Well I hope this was enlightening, thanks sm for the ask, it was a very fun hour lol. And sorry for the uhhh. the amount of words:p

[veryinjuredperson]

i'm not sure how many people will actually see this post, but anyone who does, hi! i'm vip, and i have some pressing questions on my ol' mind!

so, i'm... severly mental ill, to say the least of it, diagnosed with depression, adhd, anxiety, bpd, professional suspicions of autism and ptsd, and personal suspicions of some sort of dissociative disorder.

to make this easier, im going to breakdown what's been happening...

so, i can't say i've ever noticed being GONE from the present per say, but it's more like... i'm sort of present at all times, but have different personalities or voices who crop up and direct me. my tones change, sometimes my accent changes, my mood changes, the words i use change, certain skill sets might change, thought processes change, etc.

i've struggled with identity for a long time, i just don't like to share that fact usually, particularly because it scares the shit out of me and also due to the fact that i am constantly telling myself that i must be an attention seeker and a faker and a liar, even though i have only spoken about my suspicions of potentially being a system with a single trusted person.

some voices have names, there are several who are at least based on fictional characters, and others who aren't... sometimes i can communicate more clearly between separate voices, and other times it feels like one train of thought that's jumping back and forth for a single mental conversation, like i say something and then respond to myself but it still doesn't feel like just me? i have had people point out that i'm acting different before, but i have a consistent stream of consciousness, so i feel like that's kind of... idk... i feel like that's not how systems work, is it? bc it's less like individual people who take the reigns and more like i am a sort of central core, and then there are little voices or influences, some stronger or bolder than others, who sort of... blend in with me? and influence what i'm doing... so like... i know what's going on, i feel in control, but i don't feel... normal?

if anyone has any way they can help me decipher some of this, please let me know. for now, i've taken to using plural kit and simply plural to log these personality shifts.

i do intend to speak to a psychiatrist and/or at least a therapist about this, but i haven't been able to get that far quite yet. any help in the meantime would be greatly appreciated.

( i have trauma, but a lot of my childhood from at least anything prior to 6th grade is rather blurry, there's memories here and there, some clearer than others, some just gone, i know i've had some pretty bad medical trauma all prior to the age of three, but also some beyond that, i know my parents have always fought a lot, i know that i never stayed in one school for longer than a single grade year, i know i had very inconsistent friendships, i know i played pretend or even "played games with myself" including "hide and seek" which was... generally just sad... but yeah, i do have trauma, i js dont know if it's enough to cause what happened? oh! i also started school a year earlier than most, so i turned 10 part way into 5th grade, i know a lot of sources say that this stuff had to happen prior to... 9? 7? it's unclear... but... just letting that be known )

[foreststarflaime]

So do you have any ff7 language and accent headcanons?

MY LINGUIST HEART IS EXPLODING TY yes ofc I do let’s see…and I’ll almost assuredly be talking cultural hcs too because language and culture are inextricably entwined

I’ll start with Banora/Mideel (I am much more familiar with Banora) since I mentioned that most recently! That area gives me such uk vibes, especially Banora. Not to mention that Genesis already has such a borderline posh voice. I like to hc that Reeve comes from somewhere around there and that Cait Sith’s voice is his native accent! But then I am torn because with the Rhapsodos family…greek names…ancient greek values and similarities displayed in Genesis and Angeal…so tempting. So I kind of imagine Banora at least as kind of a mix of those cultures (which would work pretty well I think, I know of quite a few overlaps in values between homeric and anglo-saxon values, and greek folklore does give me a similar vibe to celtic folklore) (ah you see there I go, using language and culture interchangeably already)! Ancient Greek at least is a very lyrical-sounding language (it’s theorized that the different accents were used to show differences in pitch) and I feel like it would fit perfectly in Genesis’ voice especially! Also I like to hc that his parents’ names are Peleus and Thetis for the Achilles reference >:)

For Gongaga and Nibelheim I’m more mainstream, love the Zack speaking Spanish and Cloud speaking Old Norse hcs so much! Don’t have much else to say about Gongaga, wonderful as is. Nordic Nibelheim is so special to me bc people always conflate ‘norse’ with vikings when that’s so not all there is ;-; there’s the Vanir as well as the Aesir! And even just thinking about it for so little time rn the Fenrir myth does fit him

Wutai is meant to be based off Japan (I’m fairly sure, I know so much less than I should about that part of the world so anyone feel free to add on). I do love that—people who have different first languages actually think differently, because their brains learn to process and codify things differently based on what the grammar of their language focuses on and how their words are constructed and so forth (it’s very much a chicken or the egg type situation). And with Japanese being in an entirely different language family, the breakdowns in communication that can occur due to people not doing enough research on the differences in cultural thought can be massive and disastrous. Which works so realistically well for the whole Shinra vs Wutai conflict.

As for Midgar, cities are often little islands dialect and accent wise. Lots of different accents and languages and dialects from all over the place mixing together to create something new. I like to hc that being surrounded by so many conflicting accents Sephiroth can mimic them pretty well, even though Hojo tried to knock everything out of him but the ‘normal’ ‘educated’ accent (there is no such thing as not having an accent. Your speech is marked inherently by being different from another person’s speech). Hehehe I like to imagine that spending so much time with Genesis and Angeal and actually liking and wanting to be like them he’s picked up quite a few Banoran mannerisms :) like me when I lived in the uk for a few months and suddenly now I say “you’ve not” instead of “you haven’t” and still pronounce “vase” and “island” weird take me back there nowwwww

[yourstrulyray]

hi do you want to talk abt isaac.

basically i'm writing a cbs ghosts fic with a focus on some original characters but with a lot of nisaac and plenty of the entire cast in general

it'll have a lot of isaac's pov as well, with his thoughts about two people who can be openly queer in the modern era

but. since ive only watched like,, probably less than half of the show. i thought talking to someone else abt it could help me characterise everyone?? i also just want to talk abt it bc it's kind of a fixation right now haha

no pressure though!! hope you have a nice day

AAAAA yes please i would love to talk about my son hehdhd

let me list out some timelines pre-death first :3

isaac's marriage to beatrice: before or during 1773 the american revolutionary war: 1775-1783 nigel's death: 1776 isaac's death: 1777

so since the start of season 1, despite isaac's efforts we could all still see the fact he does not find women attractive (he literally called his wife, beatrice a handsome woman) so we're thinking bad comphet for our guy here.

(this only applies pre-nisaac) there are five male ghosts of the main cast, so when they all collectively agree that one girl is attractive (maybe not pete), isaac naturally plays along with it, but. plays along badly. everyone could tell that he did not find that girl attractive

as during nisaac, he is still obviously hesitant to be open because he had never been in a relationship with another man. a homosexual relationship. but not only is he hesitant, he is scared.

why is he scared? take a guess of what punishment you'd get for being gay in the 1770s (especially 1776).

the death penalty.

and we all know our guy isaac likes to talk about himself, he was so heavily disappointed to see that all he was in history was a footnote, and how he was jealous that his rival, hamilton, got a whole MUSICAL made about him (isaac loves musical theatre so thats twice the angy) so it's reasonable for him to be scared of death.

but hes already dead, why still be scared?

i actually dont know why but it's probably muscle memory for isaac to pretend. maybe he only found out that queerness was legalized/modernized through sam, not even through the recently dead ones. gotta hand it to him though i cant keep up a facade for more than a century XD

anyway, him being hesitant isn't the only problem, it's also the way he handles his relationship with nigel. his only other serious relationship was with a woman he wasn't even romantically interested in, so he has no healthy base to rely his current relationship with. also, his god-forsaken terrible communication skills, bros been pretending so much that even his personal feelings should be hidden 😭🙏 who hurt u man?

honestly his poo communication skills can still be linked back to his marriage with beatrice. maybe he had no problem with her, therefore no feelings were required to be shared, and he didn't have the need to communicate. but with nigel is a whole different situation.

oh yeah speaking of nigel, like isaac he doesn't have a healthy basis for a relationship. in this case, he previously was in a homosexual relationship, but it was only a sexual (?) one (with jenkins, but idk about the sexual part so jenkins fans back me up 🙏🙏).

we do see in the series that isaac is taking baby steps in the relationship, as opposed to nigel who rushes the starting-to-adjust stage, because this isn't his first gay relationship (whos gonna tell him) which then results to isaac having certain feelings about it, which then results to isaac not communicating as to pretend he can manage their relationship.

one thing about isaac's "certain feelings", it's usually about little things not even serious stuff. he had gone on many respites (temporary break up) with nigel because of their political beliefs (TGE WAR FUCKING ENDED GET OVER IT), hobbies, and personal likes. instead of adjusting to each other, they still choose to follow what they want instead of each other's wishes.

so, TLDR; nigel and isaac, despite having been in previous relationships, are doodoo at expressing themselves and adjusting to one another. (boo)

if you'd like the characterization of the other ghosts/sam and jay, my askbox is open at all times!! :3

[edsheerankinnie]

random (mostly applejack) mlp hcs to keep the Thoughts away

trixie is transfem. need i say more?

Applejack's hair (and by extension, apple bloom's) is naturally curly like her mom's, but she doesnt care for it properly so it just looks like That (THANKS @FISHHANDSANDFEET 🤬���️)

lesbian applejack. and rainbowdash

nonbinary vinyl scratch

Applejack actually had the Core Lesbian Experience of an intense homoromantic friendship with Rara in their youth that ultimately amounted to nothing. Hence their undeniable chemistry when they reunited. It was also probably that point when she realized she liked girls

pinkie pie pansexual. sorry but shes literally the flag

Aj and rarity definitely had an unspoken back and forth thing going on, particularly on applejack's end, and rarity more or less misses her advances until AFTER she moves on from her. At which point rarity finally stops chasing unavailable dudes and just. kind of misses out on Applejack. No im not inserting BTS scenarios, im going off of onscreen depictions (like this exchange)

speaking of rarity, shes bisexual

So is fluttershy

And her and rainbow dash def had smth going on in the first 2 seasons. maybe one of those childhood friendship that inexplicably turned homoromantic down the line before fizzling out, idk. sapphic canon event and all that

Trixie and starlight were definitely a thing by the last episode. it was only a matter of time

APPLEJACK HAT THEORY SOLVED: Applejack has multiple identical hats for adventures and exploits, bc signature statement piece. otherwise she wears her dad's hat, which shes obviously more protective of (remember that one teacher of the month short?)

Appledash canon

Disaster bi starlight glimmer

Sunburst is GAY

(also hes either transmasc or an egg. def not cis tho)

PRINCESS TWILIGHT IS STRAIGHT (i do not like her)

Scitwi is bi tho !

speaking of equestria girls, Applejack is bi in that universe

eqg rarijack canon (yes Rarity, in another universe you COULD'VE been💔)

Starlight glimmer has bpd. i promise im not saying this to be quirky, her parents literally weren't present for most of her childhood plus the whole trying to end the world bc her best friend moved away when she was a kid. the magic of friendship probably helped with that tho

APPLEJACK'S PARENTS DEATH SOLVED: Applejack is ODDLY prepared to encounter a chimera. Plus for some reason they HAVE to make those pie deliveries. My guess is her parents were killed by one making that same delivery, likely a contractual obligation. In that same episode there's also an emphasis on aj's protectiveness over apple bloom for seemingly no reason. Who also almost dies at the hands of a chimera.

Applejack tried living in the city as a sort of grief response to her parents' death. i think ill try doing a whole character analysis on her another day.

Applejack "cries on the inside" among other things as part of being suddenly forced to grow up after her parents' deaths, especially with apple bloom now in the picture

Big macintosh bisexual + polyamorous + genderfluid combo (that last one was a new development from 5 mins ago)

Hey remember Lullaby for a Princess? Now remember the season 4 premiere, when we got to see princess luna's banishment? Yeah no that didnt happen. that was the kid-friendly version. The REAL version was the Lullaby for a Princess sequence

Starlight sooo had something going on with Double diamond at some point. they might have dated. they might have fucked. who knows!

Rainbow dash is Literally a 🌈Rainbow Baby🌈. ill see myself out (no but srsly think about it) (also im not poking fun at ppl who struggle w infertility, my heart goes out to yall)

Discord might just be demisexual. shout out ace community !!

Aroace Princess Luna. Shoutout aroace community 2x

Genderqueer Scootaloo

Braeburn is GAY

Soarin is GAY

And finally: g5 isnt real it cant hurt you

[saber-monet]

Hey I came across your post about embracing the “manifestation coincidences”, and one about making sure to not be unfazed by how well things play out. I’d like to ask how you make peace with the ‘insanity’ of it? Bc I think I’ve shifted to a higher timeline and now am living a better reality. But I spent the last 2 days looking up parallel universes on reddit & now I’m scared I’m going to run into my doppelganger and get killed or that I’m actually supposed to have died in my actual universe.. I’m scared and I can’t talk about it with anyone in fear of them suddenly turning into a demon just like in horror films.

Hey! First of all, everything you’re experiencing is more common than you might think, especially for people who, like me, grew up skeptical or secular about spirituality and are only just now exploring it. Shifting your mindset and embracing manifestation can feel so surreal at first—like you’re stepping into something “forbidden” just by allowing yourself to believe that things can work out in your favor.

I went through the exact same thing when I started three years ago; I felt paranoid, like I was breaking some unspoken rule just by thinking positively. I promise—you’re not going to run into a doppelgänger or anything bad. That’s just your mind processing a huge new perspective.

One thing that’s helped me is thinking of the “surrealness” you’re describing as an emotion, like anxiety or sadness. It can feel jarring, but it’s temporary and will pass. When I feel that surrealness creeping in, I just acknowledge it: “Yeah, this feels weird right now, but it’s going to end soon.” I know my mind will eventually latch onto a less intense thought process, and things will go back to ‘normal’, and so will yours—sometimes in 30 seconds, other times in a couple of minutes. but you will feel fine again.

Also, if affirmations work for you, lean into those! Remind yourself that you’re safe and fully capable of handling these new feelings. It’s all part of the process, and you’re going to get more and more comfortable with it.

And honestly, one tip? Steer clear of Reddit or anything that brings up new fears. I stay away from things that make me question my safety and, instead, focus on what feels grounding and calming, whether that was music, a walk, cooking, talking out loud or even talking to chatgpt helps me (there's a voice call option on the app so you can talk to it like a real person)—anything to keep me from overthinking.

i treat myself like a worried child, what would you say/do to a worried child to make them feel better? You would tell them everything's gonna be OK, put on their favorite comforting TV show/movie/musical, give them a snack, you remind them that you're here for them and that eventually they will laugh about this moment in the future etc.

Watching Abraham Hicks Workshop Excerpt videos helped me so much too (she talks a lot about exactly this topic, and if you’re interested, I can DM you a link, just message me). And these videos, she speaking to people who have gone through the exact same thing that you're going through and had the exact same questions/ concerns/ stories about reality creation.

Her seminars really put into perspective that I wasn’t alone, and neither are you. You will make sense of this experience. You'll know what works for you and what doesn't. It's a personalized journey.

You’re in good company, and there’s an entire global community of people who get exactly what you’re going through. Trust that you’re okay, you're being properly guided each step of the way and give yourself permission to enjoy the experience. You're not the first person or the last person to go through stuff like this.

There's a lot of older people who have gone through the " awakening process" and have reacted differently to it. Some become monks/teachers, others use it to grow their business and achieve their goals, others just use it here and there to get the things that they want and live a relatively normal life, and some never use it again . Don't feel overwhelmed by it, you have the choice on how you wish to proceed .

(also I'm going to dive into this topic in another post im currently working on: but you can ask for less synchronicity and for things to go back to “normal”. Just because you've learned this new information and this new way of interacting with reality doesn't mean that you have to continue if you don't want to. ( Yes, you have lifted the metaphorical "veil" but you can also put it back down)

Also, please reach out , or anybody reading this post, if you wanna chat. I did this alone, I got to this place of balance, reassurance and comfort alone, and I would have really like to have somebody to talk to so I'm here if you need me.

[pillarsalt]

Seconding that last ask about pretending that gendies' straight relationships are gay ughhh one of my best friends is non binary and getting more aggressive about it lately (meaning that i have to bend over backwards every two seconds to use the correct pronouns, since our language literally doesnt have a neutral one) and i have to hear her rants about how MUCH she hates her disgusting female body and how shes different from a woman bc she doesnt align with feminity and that all her boyfriends have been actually gay for dating her AND pretend 1) that i dont take all that harmful discourse regarding being a woman at heart and 2) that i dont hurt from seeing her like this because i really love her. Its. Exhausting. SORRY this got long i just dk what to do 😭

oh my goddd the whole thing with nonbinary women and the fixation on the men they sleep with being gay because gender... it's crazy, the desire to control the sexual orientations of others seems like a pattern in the trans community, although obviously some are worse than others. I mean it matches the fixation on controlling how others perceive them in their private minds, ie. "we can tell when you're just using our pronouns to be polite and you don't actually SEE us as our stated gender" like anyone's private thoughts are your business? Controlling what we can say out loud isn't enough?

(Kind of a tangent: but a while ago I remember jeffrey marsh making a video with his male partner ((idr if they're married)), talking about how when jeffrey's identity changed from man to nonbinary, the partner's had as well, because he wasn't identifying as gay anymore. He had always perceived himself to be gay, it was a big part of his identity through his life, but he loves Jeffrey, and Jeffrey is no longer a man, and gay men love men, therefore he can't be gay. The guy looked so dejected and jeffrey kept having to persuade him to talk. Does anyone else remember this? I wonder if I can find the video. ((Obviously the straight girls with their gay boyfriends are a very different scenario.)) )

Anyway, I feel your pain, the thing with the pronouns I can't even imagine. The pure narcissism of complicating the simple act of speaking for everyone around you, making sure everyone expends a little extra brain power when talking to or about you... simply because you say so! Boggling.

Unfortunately, as I said on the last ask, not much you can do. It is very very hard to convince someone so entrenched in it to hear you out, and obviously you don't want to lose her, there's no great solution. The best thing you can do is to be there for her if and when she comes around to reality. It might be good if you guys could do some kind of activities together that have nothing to do with gender shit, ideally outdoors. The less time spent scrolling and ruminating, the better. But most importantly, take care of yourself, and don't take any shit either. You seem like a good friend, I hope things work out eventually.

[freckliedan]

omfg so im reading your linguistics paper rn and im at the part where you talk about how its taboo to post abt the vday vid or dailybooths etc. but i feel like the chains have loosened over the years so to speak? cuz like, on twitter people have just. posted full dailybooth screenshots, or reference the 2009 phan song all the time which itself refs vday. and im wondering if thats like, because the community had gotten smaller after the dapg hiatus that ppl were more lax about it, or if it felt like dnp were more lax about it, or if these are all younger fans who werent aware of this etiquette at all but since so many younger fans have been joining like post coming out they just dont see it as taboo at all? some self-policing does still occur, specifically w ppl reposting dans nakedbooths, but its def not the case of YOU HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY SILENT ABOUT THIS anymore. i havent even finished reading yet but im enthralled

OOH thank you for the question i have so many thoughts on this actually. (context)

i think there's multiple reasons why the taboo on discussing the vday vid & other deleted social media things has grown lesser? under the cut bc i got wordy.

partially i'd chalk it up to the change in phandom demographics. like, there's a way lower proportion of us now who were around for the direct aftermath of the first major leak in 2012, or who even were a part of the phandom when a majority of folks had been present for that. things were so bad and painful then & in the era directly afterwards! people still learn about that but the knowledge of how bad things got is always going to be different from the lived experience.

so that's reason one: i think that within the fandom the strongest emotional reaction to the existence of the vday video & deleted social media posts will always exist in ppl who were around in 2011-2013 & similarly deeply ingrained in folks who joined right after that in 2014-15. and i think there's still a lot of us but there's also just like.. so many less of us now, too. the vast majority of my mutuals from 5 years ago have abandoned or deleted their blogs.

i do think another part of why things have gotten less taboo is bc it's no longer something that has the potential to out dan and phil/how directly they've acknowledged the social media posts (& to a lesser degree the vday vid)?

like. dan literally used screenshots that he almost certainly got from the phan directory in basically i'm gay. they acknowledged that the manchester eye meant something to them in giving the people what they want/witl (watched them at the same time, can't remember which had that in it). i know they knew how people would react to them mentioning iconic teen dalien moments in the big wheel in the sims.

there's also the fact that like... angry phil DMs/copyright strikes are a thing of the past? i'm not going to tell people where to find the vday video but it's stupidly easy to locate on more mainstream platforms at this point in time. shit, that brings me to another point: fans who joined more recently weren't around for the era where blogs were getting taken down for what they were posting. another reason it's more chill now.

like, the openness of the secret is like, something that makes seeking out the taboo less of a thrill?

but on the other hand! learning in detail abt the vday vid and old social media posts is something i think people find less necessary now? that used to be the most concrete like... phan proof. proof they were queer. and now that they're explicitly gay and openly together to the degree that they are it's like. the value of the information has lessened.

to go in a different direction. i definitely wouldn't call it a formalized etiquitte that the youngun's just don't know, especially when it comes to the social media posts—they've always circulated and even 5 years ago when i wrote that paper they were more openly talked about even tho the vday video wasn't (though again: 5 years ago was still wayyyyy more lax than 2013/14).

ultimately there's always just been so much clout tied up to knowing about the vday video & social media posts? so even though being too blatant has always been a taboo transgressing that norm with skill has also always been a phandom value.

i'm not going to get too far into the ways that dan and phil's fandom literacy and the fan response of archiving everything play into things bc i think i covered that well in my paper but yeah!

i don't have a good conclusion but: less % of the fandom being present for the aftermath of dnp being outed by the leak + greater aknowledgement of these subjects by dnp + less value for the information in the vday vid & deleted social media posts = more casual attitude towards vday vid & social media posts and a healthier phandom overall

[kafus]

sometimes i think about how part of the reason i put off seeking out a DID therapist for so long is bc my alters are very fictional introject heavy (almost don’t have any that aren’t) and at least at the time there was a prevailing online notion that if you had a lot of alters that were introjects, especially if any of them came from “recent sources”, you were Definitely Faking. i just assumed i had to have something else going on and i avoided medical care for a long time.

i’ve seen that sentiment a lot less lately and i can’t tell if that’s because it’s actually gone down in prevalence or if it’s because i just do not hang out around DID oriented spaces much anymore, but it’s weird looking back on it literally over 4 years into DID therapy and diagnosis. to think i was ever worried about something like that and was so swept up in the social part of being a pwDID online. i don’t blame myself but that just really sucked. especially because it just does not hold weight, obviously i exist and i am diagnosed and my therapist herself has noted that her younger DID patients skew on having more “fictives” than her older ones and she acknowledges this as a real phenomenon instead of like… The Rise Of Faking or something. and we’ve had in depth talks about my situation and why i in particular am like this bc yknow. it’s relevant to myself and my recovery

i think a lot about last year when i was struggling a lot with a couple of pokemon alters who could not speak english but obviously were holding onto some trauma that needed to be attended to since they were causing issues in daily life, and i brought up my inability to communicate with them properly to my therapist, and she suggested that if any of the pokemon trainer alters are able to communicate with them, maybe use them as a translator of sorts? and i was just dumbfounded because not only is my therapist like, Not a pokemon fan and everything she knows about it is through me so i was impressed she thought of this, there was also a time i assumed both thru my trauma w the medical system and the system culture online that this was a conversation i would never possibly have in a medical setting. my introjection was silly, not something to be taken seriously, “faking”. but here was my therapist recommending this completely seriously to me and guess what: it worked! her suggestion fucking worked and solved a problem tormenting me for like a week

i’m kinda just rambling at this point but the notion that introject heavy systems aren’t real is a whole lot of bullshit and the fact that i put off getting mental health care for so long is also bullshit. there’s a whole lot of individuality per system that is not going to be thoroughly documented in the literature. kids are being raised in a different, fiction heavy environment these days, and if there’s an upwards trend of introject heavy systems i would not be surprised, and i think maybe that should be studied sometime. i really wish that the gatekeeping of uneducated randoms on the internet did not keep me from medical help for so long bc therapy changed my life

[milfygerard]

I just think business woman Taylor would take her time to get engaged to a guy she's only known a year and a half. Not the type to marry a guy she just met. If she was that type of person she would have married Joe Alwyn immediately when she was in that crisis and she didn't and maybe she's changed but I just think businesswoman and looking after her money Taylor is not that type of woman. I just think Taylor is more thoughtful with her money and her heart then her fans give her credit for. And your points about feminism's cricism of marriage, and conversatives and NFL culture giving her pause.

She's a hopeless romantic and led by her heart but she has a big brain and is very interested in looking after her money and having career and artistic freedom. In my readings of Taylor's choices thus far in her life. I think it's more of a debate her in her mind and heart about marriage (and children) and whether it's the right choice for her then some fans, especially long term fans who want to see her married as 'one thing she's missing' cultural ideal they cannot give up, even if their not interested in marriage for themselves.

There is a weird energy out there when Swifties who aren't openly dating and not interested in it and have given up on love or simply don't have the time for it, are very interested in seeing Taylor marry for reasons. Unclear even to themselves. It's very weird for me to watch.

I think we're generally of the same mind with a lot of this stuff yeah. If nothing else taylor is a chronic overthinker and overanalyzer which is reason enough for her to feel hesitant to move to the next major step in a relationship, especially since shes spent the majority of this one jetsetting around the world and rehearsing 24/7 in the off time for her massive career defining magnum opus world tour. By all accounts theyve barely had time to be together when they weren't both inundated with intense work scheduling, I imagine that though the RS seems like its been going for a good while she'll want to take more time for them to actually like, live a life as a couple and maybe get to spend less of their time together in the spotlight. I will say that though taylor can often be predictable, I've been plenty wrong abt her in the past (its actually kinda funny, i went thru my personal tag the other day looking for a post and kept coming across my extremely confidently incorrect taylor swift takes, its very humbling i do recommend it if you have your own) and i dont exist in her brain or her social circle, I just spend a lot of time thinking abt her and what her work and her public actions cld be communicating intentionally or unintentionally and also I have a crush on her <3. I do think I try to take a fair look at her work overall

I cant really speak on yr second point since I spend a majority of my time as a swiftie with other lesbians who dislike her boyfriend/s at various degrees of severity (shout out to the mutuals who dont actively dislike travis though yr powerful and I respect u). I could probably speak more on why thats a phenom if I saw some of the posting u were talking abt, since most of the postings i see r from ppl who have partners or are married or as i said have a general distaste for heterosexuality. If I could guess I'd say it's the sort of projection that comes part and parcel with all parasocial connections, the desire to experience the sort of thing you may struggle to have secondhand or to experience an idealized version of something you have that may be harder to romanticize bc of the realities of life. It makes sense for someone whose been taught to seek out a fairytale ending (or whose just a bit of a romantic at heart) but struggles with the realities of dating or marriage to be fixated on taylor, who has lots of the same struggles getting that fairy tale ending whenever it seems like its hypothetically in sight.

I can't speak against this like i'm not a 10+ year phannie whose spent plenty of time watching them power couple their way through life while rooting for them the entire way bc its nice to know true love exists and all that. With taylor specifically, as there always is, theres so many projected cultural ideals and concepts that she takes on as a figure and the reactions to what she does or doesnt do often reflect back on us as much as they do on her. Her place as a cipher is part of what makes her such a source of cultural fixation and is also what makes her so interesting on like a sociological level to discuss.

[lovelycorpseprincess]

I don't post to this blog much anymore bc I'm mostly cutting out social media, but here's an update since some of my kinksters (ily) have shown up from my main kink blog:

tl;Dr: it turns out being traumatized affects your whole life, and you actually can become an orphan multiple times. traumadumping, mostly.

basically right now I'm in a limbo waiting for sitting to change. most things are good right now -- I've been working out everyday for a month and gotten to the stage where I feel wrong if I don't, I'm looking at a couple procedures to get my self confidence up, and my husband is doing great in an insanely difficult academic field with graduation coming up, plus we're looking at finally being able to get pregnant around the start of 2026 and bring a mother is all I've ever wanted. things are looking so good.

but my mental health isn't. and I'm only writing this up because I really only speak to my husband and roommate, and after leaving my primary therapist because he called me a p*do (absolutely zero understanding of paraphilia and the difference between contact/avoidant behavior -- six years and he doesn't seem to know me well enough to know I would kms before I did what was done to me), my DID specialist has been in hospital for 3 months and we're losing our communication bridges between each other.

largely due to stress. and like I said things are really great otherwise! life is finally moving in a direction I've been waiting for for years.

but my traumas are family-based. the root of my DID and hypersexuality is that I was raped repeatedly between 2 and 6. my grandmother knew and covered it up and my mother, who is unmedicated un-therapy-ed ADHD & borderline, ignored every sign. my grandmother is herself terrible, but my mother is beyond unstable and erratic and extremely emotionally immature. telling her about the rape, it becomes a screaming fit about what a bad mother she must have been.

I broke contact for 4 years thinking what was wrong with our relationship was me, and got medicated, got psychotherapy, processed things I had repressed, and came back to her to figure out our relationship. she seemed less volatile, said she'd done mushrooms and healed some of her trauma, that everyone said she was better and we could be friends. what, in fact, she's been doing is treating my stepfather exactly the way she treated me -- always at fault, aggressive, manipulative, controlling. she hasn't improved at all.

we're in a position right now where, when she commented that she'd never hit children and I calmly reminded her that she belted me as a kid, we've exploded into "how dare you accuse me of being an abusive mother" and not being able to even explain because all she knows how to do is scream and deny and not let anyone else speak.

so in the middle of processing the rape, trying to understand that what I repressed for 20 odd years is in fact what's always been wrong with me and why I have a sex addiction, I thought my mom was better and we could heal through it like we should've been allowed to when I was little -- and she's not better at all. it's costing us the stability of our system, and part of why I returned contact is because we're so close to having children and I know she'd want to know her grandchildren, but I'm realizing now that I'm going to have to do what I planned to in the first place: keeping my children away from her, and going back to an orphaned mentality. my stepfather, who's really the only sane one in this situation, will get to know my kids, but she's destroyed their marriage and I'm facing down not only that she's divorcing the person I thought could help her, but that she's going to be resentful in the future because he'll get to know his grandkids and she won't.

so we're coping more than living, but not going anywhere. our major focus right now is our original work on AO3, which I'll pin on my blog so you can find it easy. it's a coping mechanism, so it's all dead dove, but I have a degree in writing, so there's plot and more goodies in it than just porn. oh, and there's a lot of porn in it.

in any case, life is hard and that makes the things you fight for worth it. I hope to be more active soon.

kisses xoxo

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

[perplexingluciddreams]

can I ask a question if ur ok with it? I i rlly want semiverbam and nonverbal ppls thoughts and information on this over anyone else. can semiverbal mean u struggle with speech bc u often do not know what to say if it’s not a topic on your special interest? or otherwise your scripts which consist of like “that’s nice” or other short phrases.

like I can try to have conversation but my brain will go blank and I literarily cannot think of what to say therefore I cannot keep talking. or if I do talk I must repeat the same two word phrases over and over. i have struggled to make friendships bc of my issues with talking. we try to talk and get to know each other but even after YEARS they get barely anything out of me. I can say words it’s not a physical struggle but my brain can’t know what to say to say words often. so all of my life I’ve been known as a very very quiet barely speaks shy kid. I even often have trouble talking about my special interests if it’s not done over text rather than talking.

I have a very strong inner monologue lots of words but when it comes to actually talking I struggle. there are times I do talk fast and more though. And times around certain people I feel it is easier. but often it’s not. and even if I’m comfortable around a person I can still struggle.

but I’m not sure if this is a semiverbal thing or if I would still be verbal. i don’t want to wrongly use a term. any help on what semiverbal means and If any of this sounds relatable?

Hi, anon, I will do my best to answer your question. I can only speak from personal experience, as someone who grew up semiverbal and is now permanently fully nonverbal due to late regression.

Firstly, semiverbal is a community term (as in, not have medical definition, not used by doctors or professionals). It means someone who struggles with speech and/or verbal communication all the time. If this is a constant struggle for you (as in, not completely verbal sometimes and have “episodes” other times), I think you can use the word semiverbal to describe that experience.

It sounds like you struggle more with the language/word side, and less with the physical speech side. And social issues like struggling with back and forth conversation, cannot speak about any topic other than special interests, etc. can all overlap.

What you have written here sounds relatable to me in some parts, for how I was when I was younger, when I was semiverbal. I also had difficulty with my mouth blurting out things I didn’t mean and didn’t want to say, things that didn’t match my thoughts. But that was only partly due to the physical lack of control. It was also because I didn’t understand what I was saying/repeating. I didn’t have the ability to match my thoughts with words, or words/phrases with meanings. If I could see that I was “supposed” to say something, then if the physical ability was available to me at that moment, I would just say something I had heard someone else say, that had some kind of link. I could identify when something had a link or was on the same/similar topic, because of how my brain finds patterns. But I never understood what the majority of it meant - only understand for the most simple sentences and phrases.

I was rarely rarely able to use unique words or sentences to say my thoughts and feelings and experiences. My brain was blank or “quiet” a lot (still is). I mostly didn’t know when I should tell something, even important or dangerous or emergency things. I only grasped that I was supposed to say something when someone else talked then there is a silence and they look at me 🤷🏻‍♂️. Then I have to sift through the noises they just made, find a recognisable word, make a link with a script I remember hearing, and send it out my mouth. This is an example of how another aspect of my autism (low awareness, low social understanding) affects communication abilities/opportunities.

I personally don’t have a strong inner monologue, and I did have physical struggles with speech so not only language problems, but I can relate to what you’re saying in some ways. I was also a “very very quiet barely speaks shy kid”.

The language/word side is very important to communication. It is not only about the physical speech.

The main reason for the difficulties I have with communicating overall, is the language issues. And the language issues is the same, when I had physical speech before, and when I don’t have that ability anymore now. That is the main underlying struggle for communication.

I hope this answer was helpful for you. Anyone else who wants to add on, please do! And if I left anything out, or miscommunicated something, please correct me. This is my final disclaimer - I am only one person with one experience and this is all I know.

[earlgreytea68]

I've always thought it was so interesting in so many of pete's poems like you said in your analysis can be read as about pete but also about patrick. it just reminds me so much that they are peteandpatrick. I think a lot of that comes from how much they just really think of the world of each other. Pete is the more charismatic one from the outside but from pete's POV why would people not be leaning into to see what patrick has to say, he's brilliant.

It's very funny bc they say they make one perfect artist, but they also both attribute things that make a good artist to each other. Both see the other as good with people in some way (Pete is a social butterfly, patrick is very genuine), both say they can't make the music they make w/out the other. They are both very similar and also different in such an complimentary way I'm not shocked it's hard to describe and it makes lyrics about them both.

Yeah, I think a few things here:

One, they recognize the ways in which they are different and they really are ways that complement each other perfectly. They fill in each other's weak spots to make one perfect artists, as they know and acknowledge. (And another way of thinking about this is that they each have no weak spots, because they know the other one has their back wherever they might be less confident.)

Two, they actually attribute the awesomest parts of themselves to the other person, like, their modesty deflects and the other person becomes their mirror. Pete doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about how awesome he is but he spends a lot of time thinking about how awesome Patrick is, and Patrick doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about how awesome he is but he spends a lot of time thinking about awesome Pete is, but this means that the person they spend so much time thinking about it actually always thinking about them, and so they're stuck in this weird feedback loop with each other???? I don't know how to really describe it, as you say, or even what conclusion to reach on this, but the fact that they see their own strengths in each other instead of in themselves is just so interesting to me, like, they just feel comfortable praising things in each other but then it becomes that they can be comfortable with themselves, somehow?????

Three, I have looked in vain for this thing I wrote years and years ago and posted on LJ. I can't find it, I have no idea why, I know I didn't delete it, but none of the searches I run for it seem to locate it. Anyway, I wrote a thing on how having a beta is like getting married, in a way, and eventually you start forgetting who wrote what and what was original and what was a suggestion and basically you can't figure out as much where you end and the beta starts. And I just had, like, a normal beta relationship. I mean, she was a great beta! But she wasn't my creative soulmate for the rest of my life after we met as kids. So, like, imagine how much more intense it must be if you are that, like, it must be impossible to really figure out anymore where one of you ends artistically and the other begins. You're so intertwined that you don't need even to speak to each other anymore when you communicate.

Four, I just love the idea that Pete is the most interesting person in any room, according to multiple accounts. He just is one of Those People, with that kind of natural charisma that draws attention. Patrick has said as much but so have other people, people who knew him back in the scene, people in the bandom crowd, random people he meets in the modern era. So yeah, Pete is the most interesting person in the room -- but Patrick is the most interesting person in the room to Pete. This is such classic Social Butterfly / Favorite and so my utter weakness but when Pete writes a poem that seems to be all about him, the outside world's understanding of how devastatingly attractive and magnetic he is, of course Pete's really writing that poem about Patrick. He doesn't think he's all that interesting, he doesn't get it -- but Patrick is the most fascinating person he's ever met, he'll wax poetic about that all day.

And it's so easy to just say, "Oh, that self-centered Pete Wentz, always writing about himself." Indeed.