#bc i just need to constantly stop and think of them.....
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#i feel like im going insane and tonight it's esp bad so i need to.... vent :$#some time ago i had the fortune of a very very wonderful person entering my life. and since day one BOOM i think of them every single day#im not even exaggerating.. like every single day i just think and daydream of them. i've had sm extra inabiloty to focus -#bc i just need to constantly stop and think of them.....#there is so much abt them to adore and admire. so much!!!! i didnt know someone like them could exist..#i love talking to them and i just wanna kno everything there is to know abt them!!! everything regarding interests me#there's also the aspect of how i feel talking to them. i know they dont judge the same way as other ppl do so it's easier to talk to them#tho i still have avpd so i often start over explaining myself and get insecure etc etc. i need to get out of my head!!!!#idk.. idk... it has never been like this for me. so im also scared#what do i do.. how do i navigate this? i've never been here before and i feel lost even if it's def not a bad place to be in#every single day... i just wish that i could be with them more and more. this wish never calms down it just gets bigger#but. how? how do i break this loop and make it into reality? is it only gonna stay as a desire and a daydream? :(( i rlly dont want that#im scared too. bc what if i want and can make it my reality but it just wont happen? what if it just wont#im also not the only one in this equation that decides. what if... i have to face rejection.. what if im a disappointment. what if what if#i dont know!! i only know that i think of them all day every day. it gets more nd more intense each day.#i also get more sure that it's what i want...#anywayyyy. im actually.. driving myself insane with how obsessively i think of this#i cant quite put it into words but i had to get at least some of it off my chest#like how. do i express my feelings to them. how do i turn it into reality. how do i face that fear of the unknown and smth i've never done#but also how do i face that fear and prepare for the fact that even if i want smth dreams made into reality cant be certain.#there r so many life things that decide what happens too.... not just my will and desire#but as well as.. how do i prqepare myself to deal with the potential oh whoops maybe im the only one who rlly want this.#maybe this is onesided maybe my feelings just flew out of control nd idk how to reel them back in whoops.#like i dont know at all what could happen.. all i know is what i wish.. hmm gosh this is all just making my head spin every day.
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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#pausing my essay to make a tumblr post in the hopes it will stop my panic attack bc uhhh what do you mean its november#what do you mean time for these applications are running out what do you mean i have to write 4 essays what do you mean my brain wont work#because i have the brain wont work disorder what do you mean i have to also keep on top of my grandparents bc now that im not with them#my grandmother has essentially stopped taking her alzheimers medication and my grandfather is just lying about her condition#what do you mean i didnt get the scholarship i wanted (listen this isnt a shock to me it was highly competitive and i figured i wouldnt#get it) (BUT STILL) so now im hauling absolute ass trying to get a job where my mom works so we can share the car#and im STILL constantly thinking of my grandma who i know is miserable where she is bc theyre alone and i know theyre lonely and miss me#and theyve asked about me every single day since we got back from brasil and im trying not to feel guilty bc i know thats pointless#but its also hard not to hurt for them and also i have to WRITE THIS FUCK ASS ESSAY WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS ROT IN BED#AND SHINY HUNT BC I MISS SHINY HUNTING AND ALSO IM GETTING MY PERIOD SOON AND IM BREAKING OUT AND#I MISS MY BED AND WRITING FUN STUFF AND MY FRIENDS AND NOT FEELING LIKE AN IMPENDING CLOUD OF DOOM AND DESPAIR#IS HOVERING OVER ME AND GETTING CLOSER WITH EACH PASSING DAY#hm. not helping with getting rid of my panic attack. maybe i need. to have a small cry and then some water.#okay bye for now đ«°đ„°#personal
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haikaveh... save me haikaveh...
i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........
i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the number of times i have reread alhaitham character story 4 and kaveh character story 5. like. dont look at me. kfjsdklfh#on one hand im tempted to think alhaitham would have a fully cynical view of friendship#and be like USELESS NEVER AMOUNTS TO ANYTHING but. i kinda dont think he works like that#well i dont think he would think that either way now but#even in times of friendship breaking up w/kaveh like#alhaitham is very FACTS AND LOGIC and i feel like he would still like#idk. understand the objective value of human companionship. whether or not he feels it works for him#HOWEVER. jkdlhfsd he is also the one who in his other lore bits was like 'grandmother the other children are boring at school'#AT AGE SEVEN god he was probably such an unintentionally funny child. i love u alhaitham u are so neurodivergently coded#so idk i feel like he would have a period where hes like okay. i was alone before and clearly that was the right call bc my 1 friend is gon#even if he does well alone i cant even imagine like. kaveh mustve been a huge impact and difference in alhaithams life#humans need SOME level of socialization!! and kaveh was his.... aughhh god they literally also read as having a bad breakup!!!!!#queer coded TO ME!!!!!! friends to rivals/friends to lovers to enemies to it's complicated..................#but again even if u dont think of it in a romantic sense like it's still so much. they were and are so significant to each other.#their bond is so complex and oughghdhgh they make me go bonkers#i do not think of any other 2 genshin characters so intensely as i do them .what have they done to me. what the fuck.#im alone in my stupid little genshin pit endlessly babbling about these motherfuckers!!!!!!!#and i love them. also i like that one scene in i think cynos 2nd character quest where al and kav r in the library or w/e#and kavehs like wtf no way u dont small talk w/coworkers. and alhaithams like no i just happen 2 hear people but i do not engage#hes so real he likes to eavesdrop but he does NOT want to get involved!!!!!!!!!!!!#also that same scene where kaveh goes 'WTF looking thru these will take FOREVER!!!!' alhaitham: 'ill manage'#kaveh: >:( FINE ILL HELP YOU!!!! like ok he did not ask. silly.#and alhaitham teasing him right after all that. 'teach me to pretend u werent listening' '...' '...' '...' '...HEY STOP IGNORING ME' 'see.'#theyre so goofy. kaveh u walked right into that one. ily.#i love when i talk about characters and it's literally just me going 'wow remember when character x said this. remember when he did that.'#i just love repeating scenes and dialogue and lore over and over and over and offering nothing new to say about it JKFLDSHKLFH#sorry i love them SO much and im bad at drawing and bad at fanfic so i just have to ramble in text posts forever#i do have. a fanfic outlined for them. i am just scared to write it#nothing crazy deep or whatever but yknow. im in a bit of a Funk Right Now dont worry about it#i need a constant stream of alhaitham and kaveh content constantly injected directly into my brain.
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this was literally the only question i was curious about, thanks for asking that for me paimon
like fontainain people married other nationalities yeah?? how did they have kids if they were oceanids.. anddd umm if they could fuck normal humans wouldnât that make the oceanid in springvale falling in love with a boy from mond a bit problematic lol especially since itâs no longer a fairytale but an actual thing that happened and we witnessed it last patch??
so itâs not the case and new oceanids are just turned into humans but wait!! so celestia allows that?? it keeps constantly happening but theyâre not stopping it.. ok sure but also
i wonder how many generations of fontaine people will it take for them to realize that they have to sexually mate to create children now
#is this too weird to think about??#like i wasnât constantly thinking about this but the moment i saw the first slate during furinaâs trial i was like so are fontainians..#recycled oceanids or do they like propagate like bacteria#yâknow.. as a biology major#my first thought was when a âhumanâ dies the oceanid that was them would loose their memories and be reborn as a new person#but then i thought like ok but they think theyâre normal humans so wouldnât it be weird to see other humans get pregnant conceive while#fontainians get their babies in mail?? and what if a fontainian is married to someone from a different nation.. this doesnât make sense#and also another thought related to naviaâs obsession with that cemetery#so umm yâknow how we bury the dead in the ground as a way of returning them to where they came from.. and it is a natural process that..#recycles nutrients and natural sources to the planet yeah? so wouldnât make more sense for fontaine people who were born from water to#return to water as well?? i just find having a cemetery a bit strange in this case#i only had this thought bc silver and melus couldnât be buried and i was like.. none of u should#it is their belief that theyâre born from water and will naturally return to it from what i understood doing the first two chapters#this train thought is getting out if hand i need to stop#genshin impact#genshin spoilers#genshin navia#neuvillette#fontaine archon quest
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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Finally finished sweet tooth s3. Having incredibly mixed feelings
#love the show. love it a lot. about to be a bitch in the tags anyways#it was. so so messy. they needed another season so bad. the alaska trip took up so much of the comics#and that was with the previously established cast#in the show they introduced a million new characters. gave us no time to get to know them before they were thrown head first into the plot#and condensed an arc that was almost half of the comics into the span of like 5 episodes#my boy singh. oh how they massacred by boy#i mean. okay. in the context of the show the arc wasn't horrible for him.#but i think his survival in the comic and his dedication of his life to making up for the mistakes of his past by helping people and hybrids#would've been so much more powerful than his random self sacrifice at the end of the show.#bc honestly it just seems like another impulsive act in his moral flip flop he'd been having for the last few episodes#rather than active choice to be better#and honestly i wanted to see his delusional paranoid religious breakdown from the comics put to screen so bad#it would've been great#i do like that he turned against zhang the second she started trying to talk about rani. that shit slapped#the several fake outs about Jepp's death were so stupid and unnecessary and repetitive#why are you baiting everyone. you're going to piss off the hardcore comic fans waiting for his death and confuse the show fans#either commit to killing him or stop pretending like you're brave enough to do it#why did they flip back so hard into the mystical vaguely eco fascist backstory and outcome of the comic#after spending two seasons trying to build a more scientific and less 'humanity must end' story for two seasons straight#they tried to make it seem less 'humanity must die' again at the end by ending the virus#which i guess might've been the best outcome available considering the source material and the limitations of it's ending#but idk. it felt weird#the writing this season was so much less subtle. it felt like the characters were constantly monologing directly at the camera#nothing could be left unsaid everyone had to say exactly what they meant#and it was all moral lessons the writers were trying to feed directly to the audience#i feel like they wrote themselves into a corner at the end of the last season#and they expected to have at least one more season to write themselves out of it before the ending#and if not. if this was the plan since the beginning. literally what. WHAT.#can not imagine the people who wrote the last two seasons sitting down and writing this#it won't let me add more tags but i have more thoughts. many more. tumblr is silencing me for speaking the truth /j
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oooooo dreading my birthday next month.... but not because of what one might think!
#im not scared of aging. if anything im very excited to be older... but i am scared of this upcoming one cause idk what to Do really#i dont vent here often but some people ik irl follow me on my twt priv and i dont want them to think im talking about them bc im not#but ngl im scared of being. alone? when i turn 21? i guess thats the best way to put it#i never really liked celebrating my bdays because its just a reminder of how much control my family assumes over my life#on bdays im not allowed to hang out with my friends or do what i want without my family. this year in particular is just harrowing tbh#cause this time i have people irl who call me their friend but then they constantly disrespect me! ack!!#ive been awfully depressed lately because of it tbh. but the people who do genuinely respect me are so sweet it makes me want to cry#a couple of them said they wanna arrange something so that we could hang out!! like!! you stop that or im gonna cry!!!!#help im just rambling at this point but yeah... itll be okay. i just need to think about it a bit more#im turning 21 its about time i take the reins of my life yknow
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person on the bus who didn't free the disabled seats they were occupying with their most likely abled ass and their fucking BAG when an old person with a cane got on and was searching for a seat you will go to hell i'll make sure of it
#they sat in the seat next to the disabled ones and now there isn't that much difference in this case#but it's infuriating bc i've seen people not get up even if there aren't other comfortable/close to the exit seats#and just out of principle you shouldn't even be sitting there in the first place!!!! bc someone might get on the bus and need it any time!!#and 99% of the time ppl seat there even when there's other free seats. like even putting aside that you should leave them free full stop#ppl literally couldn't care less about disabled ppl oh my god they don't even think twice about using those seats it doesn't even cross#their mindssss#ok lol i was writing these tags then i got to my stop which was also that disabled person's stop and another couple of people's#and this fucking asshole all but sped past that old person so they could get off before them. it was so fucking rude like they were getting#up from their seat to go near the exit but god forbid that slows you - poor abled person - down!#i swear to god people are so ableist and public transport CONSTANTLY reminds me of that. jesus#find some shame on the way to the lowest pit of hell#not to mention btw that the disabled seats in most buses where i live are a fucking joke i've been thinking of sending the public transport#companies suggestions on how to make them better and actually useful/accessible#they will of course ignore them and it will make me angrier but yeah have to try right#nico rambles
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the gay urge for physical touch (like platonically its just comforting) battling the autistic urge for people to get the fuck away from me
#marble musings#augh#idk what im doin man#currently dying bc i SHOULD fucking sleep#but also im not tired and i need to let my hair dry so its not all spiky tomorrow#and uhh no i will not use a hair dryer i fucking hate those#my hairdresser as a kid tried to get me to stop being scared of them and it made it worse#so just#no#my hairdryer is reserved for drying paint thank you very much#anyway trying to stop fucking picking at my skin#i should#trim my nails#yk what lets do that actually#(ummm if you think keeping my nails super short is bad or ugly uhhh. think again buddy bc its either this or my scalp is constantly bleedin#it is#not a voluntary thing#:P#ok bye now ill shut up
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Everyone wants to take the train to go to every province in the Netherlands in one day, until I pull out the maps and travel plans and they realize I'm actually 100% serious đ
#the duck quacks#THEY THINK IM JOKING BUT IM NOT#I HAVE THE ROUTE MAPPED OUT AND ITS POSSIBLE TO HIT EVERY PROVINCE!!!!!!#I NEED TO LOOK FOR A QUICKER ROUTE AS APPARENTLY#travelling from 7:00 to 23:45 is 'unreasobable'#amd 'what if we miss a train and end up home after 12' and 'i dont wanna wake up that early' snd 'why the actual fuck would i spend 16 hours#inside a train duck' AND I CALL THEM COWARDS *i am dragged of stage'#anyways i once again should perfect my route coz 17 hours is fun but a lil. just a lil long. and it has many bits where you nwed to switch#trains which i wanna decrease as much as possibls bc constantly worrying ab which stop and which track and which train#can be a bjt tok annoying#also NS doesnt have a proper map for all their stations (they have railways but not full country stations (only local(?)) so finding the#right ones is so annoying bht also weirldy fun! i like puzzling and planning witb trains#the hardest part is just getting a companion bc it isnt as fun to do shenanigans alone sigh
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its clean its fucking clean i cleaned it
#toy pic post#undescribed#40gal#then dad dismissed how much fucking effort it took whether intentionally or not and i got so angry cos i already was having to#outsource reward chemicals or whatever the fuck to chocolate covered pretzels and a soda#and i was so overwhelmed from exhaustion and overstimulated to be fucking graciously regulating my emotional responses to him saying#Stupid Shit that i just got so angry i had to sleep#but i was. really determined. to manuafacture some kinda fucking reward. so i played viddygame until i fell asleep#bc that seemed like it would be better for my brain than straight up rage napping#anyway. i will. attempt the 90gal tomorrow. todayrrow. im going to. get up and get a snack and then brush my teeth and go to bed for real#bc i just cant stop fucking Horse Sleeping. i guess#so close#still much to do. i have to do the 90 and put the plants back on top of the 40 but its already so much quieter in here#which is good for me not being driven insane by. the sound of my failure to do a task.#shit i still need to dose fertilizer as well. i will try to do that before i go back to sleep#but i was too fucking angry to be thinking about Ratios of Liquid without exploding so its good i didnt attempt it earlier probably#anyway.POSTIVES: ITS CLEAN. I CAN SEE IN THE TANK AGAIN. THE PLANTS I SHOVED IN THE TOP ARE GROWING CRAZY#EVEN IF THEYRE A BIT UGLY AND LEGGY. I DIDNT FIND ANY DEAD FISH. THE KUHLIS CONSTANTLY SWIMMING UNDER THE ALGAE SCRUBBER#WAS A LITTLE ANNOYING AND INCONVENIENT BUT ALSO. CUTE AND ENDEARING. I LOVE THE STUPID NOODLE ANIMALS#i got a lot done today even if it wasnt all i wanted and many of the tasks were tiny. it got the big fucking task done that was hanging ove#over my head for weeks and making me feel intensely guilty. and now its so QUIET. like the 90 is still loud sure! but its just One of them#now!#the fucking palpable relief
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hey does anyone know how weâre supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang weâre really in it now#i donât think iâve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i canât even pretend at work anymore#iâm so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and itâs not their fault theyâre just kids and theyâre tired and itâs almost summer#but god i canât fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class iâm taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didnât buy the textbook bc itâs 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i canât keep up with friendships and feel like iâm constantly letting them down#and thereâs nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i havenât been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner whoâs also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i donât know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc iâm so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i donât have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad itâs gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i canât make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that theyâve stopped working#and yet i still worry that iâm making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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I want shido to turn out to be rllly insecure and shit
#HEAR ME OUT FOR A SECOND OKAY#Ik a lot of guys that r like him#On surface at least#Theyâre loud and constantly in trouble and they get into a lot of fights#Nd u see them and go âyeah he just doesnât give a fuckâ#But when u get to know them it turns out they do give a lot of fucks actually#they actually care sm and itâs fucking stupid how hard they try to look like they do not#and theyâve almost always came to the conclusion that only way to stop thinking so lowly abt themselves is to just#Not think at all#But this behavior leads to everyone degrading them as a joke bc itâs funny and theyâre a silly guy who doesnât care so itâs ok right???#so they also start to make self depreciating jokes to satisfy their desperate need to fit in#which makes them think more and more which makes them repeat the cycle again and and and#Itâs depressing how many guys r like this but whatever anyways#DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN#SHIDOU FITS PERFECTLY INTO THAT TROPE#HE HAS A DEPRESSING STORY IK IT#anyways on a second note I love befriending that type of guys bc theyâre actually rlly cute#+ they almost always have this one hobby they talk to no one abt (bc itâs too girly or too weird etc) that theyâre rlly rlly excited abt#blue lock
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we gođ
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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for someone who claims not to be homophobic there sure are a lot of y'all feeling way too comfortable throwing around homophobic language specifically targeted at lfjr
#like why do you feel the need to insult a man for not letting himself be limited by toxic masculinity#are we really back in middle school where guys are being called gay to insult and degrade them?#idgaf if you don't like him#there's just no reason to use homophobic language on him#bc he won't care as he probably will never see it#but other people see you say these things and lemme just say it's not a good look#also if you constantly have to double down on the claim that you're not homophobic maybe it's time to stop and think#like if people keep calling you that maybe just maybe you're out of line#you CAN be homophobic even if you're queer yourself bc homophobia is more than just 'lol i hate gay ppl'#being queer is not a magic armor that prevents you from having to face any consequences for asshole behavior#also not tagging anything bc this is literally just me venting about toxic fans so i don't have to keep it inside lmao
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