#bc i have been struggling a bit lol
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to the people who regularly put together those amazing web weaving posts, you have my undying love and affection <333 truly in awe of the parallels y'all weave together
#i'm trying to collect all the pieces i need to post one (hopefully tonight or this weekend)#and i've never really done a proper web weave with so many different elements#and ofc i have this perfect image of it in my brain and like what if it's not actually perfect#or doesn't convey what i want it to#also feel like i'm gonna forget a crucial piece of it bc i don't fuckin.. member things#but it's fine! i'm gonna get it all together this weekend#and i am having fun with it which is the most important thing#i just also want to know how y'all find some of the quotes you do#bc i have been struggling a bit lol
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doing chibi is a good design exercise bc it forces u to think on shapes n essential details, essentially thumbnailing ur designs. its also a terrible design exercise bc it ends up looking cute no matter what
#dimension 20#fantasy high#riz gukgak#very specifically class swap bard!riz#fh class quangle#mm. I may need tags for all the asides Ive been doing lmao#riz's canon design is so coherent and thematically clean that I genuinely struggle to keep up...#bard!riz's whole thing is working out his identity through abject fear so it kiiiinda makes sense that hes got a different thing going#on every year I guess? like lmao the directive I go into each of these designs with changes vastly#freshman bard!riz has to look extremely nonthreatening. and also make you wanna pick him up and chuck him at a wall#annoyingly inoffensive. slides off your memory pretty much immediately. a void of an experience#crucially Does Not Show Teeth While Smiling#sophomore year bard!riz I have been keeping the like. cameraman direction for#I want him to be swimming in clothes a little bit... he kinda lands at like. 80s/90s shlocky horror protag too which I do like#bc what is season 2 to riz if not a horror story lmao#junior year bard!riz I want to be somewhere between clark kent and tintin#the journalist aesthetics is not so clear and easy to build as the detective or spy aesthetics...#but also I just. really like boy journalist lmao this is the BD blood speaking again#and! I actually do draw his hair differently than in my canon junior year riz stuff. its a bit shorter here so it doesn't#obscure as much of his face#its so funny actually going from drawing canon stuff to class swap esp. with riz bc he's smiling SO much here#and it's 100% trained like its crucial for u guys to know he is equally if not more fucked up as a bard#barely anybody can wrangle him in canon it's already been mostly him keeping himself on track. imagine if he actually learned how to act#mmm. I think these designs are still gonna soft change as I draw them. thats fine we have fun#drawing sophomore year bard!riz for those comiclets was fun as hell. I think on this factor alone I call it a success lol
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The sillies
#franknub#franklin hardesty#nubbins sawyer#been struggling to write a bit recently so im drawing them instead#gave Franklin a little bone bracelet bc i think nubbins would make him one#also dont worry about where they are that would have an actual couch lol#i just didnt feel like drawing the bone couch
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aau rework version of the overload/boss fight where it actually has consequences and bearing on the character dynamics save me,, save me aau rework,,,,
#Ily greif Stricken mj ily trust issues hattie ily pissed snatcher etc#The overload actually being a big deal also works out better bc youknow snatch doessss elude to it with mjs contract that shit will go down#So It fits better to me theyll all get a dynamic shift#ESP with the thought of mj finally starting to bond w snatcher a bit beforehand too fuckkkk#Undid all that progress#AND HAT that fucks me upppp like the one adult person you meet that you trust that hasn’t tried to kill you or backstab you doing just that#That will FUCK HER UPPPPP#THE SECOND IT HIT ME THE REASON I STRUGGLED WRITING HER WAS BC SHE WAS BORING WAS EARTH SHATTERING#BC THEN I WAS INSTANTLY LIKE “ok she comes to befriend mj wayyyy too fast I gotta inflict trust issues upon her later”#Bc I mentioned it like she jokes that mj is the only person on earth that didn’t try to kill her but never played on that fact#So boom the overload is my opportunity#Like they can’t get into a found family THAT EASILY. THESE GUYS ARE FIGHTING TOOTH AND NAIL FOR IT !!#a!au#amnesia!moonjumper au#ahit au#ahit a!au#Also if if ur wondering I drew snatch like that bc I like the idea he’s in between forms bc he’s weakened <mj uses the blue strings on him#Hence why he doesn’t do anything during the fight bc he’s kinda sorta been restrained oops lol#Watching ur forest and subjects get fucked up by a weirdo fucked up you cannot be fun#No one wins in overload arc. Everyone is having a bad time. Lol.#Ok I’m done yapping#Everyone loves Raymond OUT everyone hates mj IN
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#gnnn ^_^#reblog locked bc its wip#a doodley#i need to get better at that rib flare#also i dont think his face is super accurate here but im jst messin around and also i hate i felt i had to clarify that ykwim#like who caresss if he's Off im still learning to draw (him) and one drawing doesnt define me or him etc but idk. idk! idk#ill get better...#thje funny thing about this doodle is im freaking out bc my wrist hurts a bit and i was struggling to draw ppl again#after a few days of Blobbish Furs#so forced self to churn this out before sleeps like oh ok maybe it is just the pain thats affecting me (wrist now hurts a bit more)#ever since that one those feratu doodle ive been trying to give him more like. sinking sagging jowls (?)#as contrast to the bone landmark of his chin#i also have to give him more neck fat/loose skin there ykwim#but also have to learn to draw necks. lol.#ok ill fix dis later im so tired
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a delete later wip so im turning off reblogs but yay my turn for a scene redraw
#minhmy rambles#going to rly ramble in the tags now so like ignore all of this#im going to delete it anyways i needed to ramble somewhere that isnt my twitter circle#more rambly tags just to rly shove it all down#and theennnn ine more#ok. so. i think work is rly killing me lol working every day is really taking a toll on me and i cannot draw and write as much as i want to#while also keeping up my social life and Also making sure i get some alone time too#its so hard its sooooo so hard to keep my spirits up im so tired all the time#and its not like i have a choice i have to work every day because no one else can cover my shift and its been like this since may#like ive only had 4 days off since then.#im getting another day off next week for grandfest bc i need it#and im getting a weekend in october but i don't think i can get any other days off in the year#ughghhhh my job is so easy literally i draw all the time right thats why most of my art is traditional bc im drawing at work#i can just sit at my desk and be on my phone if there's nothing to do its literally the easiest $19/h of my life#so i wouldn't trade it for the world but god i keep making mistakes bc i just havent had much of a break#ughghhh my mental state would be so much worse if i wasn't taking magnesium too#its just. raghghghh#you know? just like that#i can get through it. i am just struggling the tiniest bit
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part of the problem is that a lot of hugo's politics are really well thought out & considered & good but then some of them are like. entirely vibes-based to the point of feeling muddled & inconsistent & even straight up Bad sometimes. which is annoying
#sometimes it's like he's just saying things. chewing it over in real time but not getting anywhere really. which is frustrating when you've#just been immersed in a really deep & serious point he's carefully made & laid out just before#<- e.g. this section of revolt vs insurrection has some good points ig & could be interesting if it was actually grounded in some sort#of idk. political theory or something. but instead he spends a lot of it just falling back on ~vibes which sucks Especially bc#sometimes that 'sense' misleads him i think! and he ends up wandering closer to certain reactionary ideas than he intends#like he starts w this really banger bit basically making fun of the bourgeoisie opinion on violent uprising but then?? kind of ends up#doing that a bit himself by the end? not to mention that tbh i think the whole distinction he's trying to make here is kind of bogus anyway#it really feels he's trying to soothe his like lingering bits of conservative discomfort around this sort of armed uprising#by sorting it into a 'good' 'type' while maintaining a 'bad' 'type' for anything he's still not comfortable with#<- i wouldn't phrase that quite so harshly except i still think his bit on 1848 is annoying & this sort of goes hand in hand w that towards#like. actually actively working against the values he's trying to strive towards. y'know.#it's like you can see genuinely him intellectually trying to come round but he has still not let go of these#sort of like. instinctive conservative bourgeois discomforts in his subconscious. if that makes sense#thoughts#<- also the take on caesar & alexander & columbus etc. 😑🚬 i'm tired#kind of funny though bc sometimes his characters (i.e. like the amis) come across as having more clear grounded discussed well#thought through political opinions than he does. lol. it's like he saw the vision but was struggling with it personally at times#les mis
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part of the tragedy of the clones is the accelerated aging. its inseparable from their creation and their duty. it doesnt just artificially shorten their lives, it concentrates the feelings they have about themselves and their ability to leave/stay and to fight or not fight, because they have half as much time to do anything. if their bodies break down at an alarming speed, theyd probably hate to have to do it outside of what's familiar to them, even if what's familiar is an active violation of their rights. its an artificial life constraint as well as an artificial choice constraint. if you had all the time in the world, you'd probably worry less about why you were put into the galaxy, what your "purpose" was. existentialism is less daunting when you can exist perpetually. not so for clones.
#ch posts#i get uh#a little bit annoyed? I guess? sometimes when people go out of their way to find workarounds around the aging#as much as Id love for the clones to live long lives#think about it within the context of the story#and its like. ''they could have lived a normal lifespan'' and palpatine would have had them longer#they would have just kept fighting for the empire#or even been artifically culled bc theyre still more expensive than conscripts#im not against all workarounds#but me personally if someone's gonna change it id like it to be. not ''clever'' thats not the right word.#uh.#a struggle?#something thats gotta be fought for yknow#not like an easy solution/fix to it#star wars#the clone wars#tbh even if canon changed where there was a one two fix to the clones' lifespans i dont think id change my OCs stories lol
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the mnt pass song in baldurs gate is on..........time to focus
#thats me focusing btw#this song is so good................i will write so much to this song..................#i swear i have maybe 10 or less scenes i need to write to connect the end of standstill with the bits i've rewritten over the past 3 months#it is craaaazy how much i ended up rewriting and how QUICKLY i rewrote it too like wtf... who am i#like the meat is still there it just feels meatier now. it's weird to see ur own creation coming together you know!!#when it feels like you have a better understanding on what it is you're creating idk that's cool!#for this project i have been practicing my pacing/tone and i have tried really hard to make the things i include seem intentional#bc i think those are things i struggle with the most. it's been fun to see improvement in those areas!! all bc of a sims story no less lol
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if only 11 year old me knew that someday i would be 21 and still not better but still surviving, and still watching those videos of those two guys on the internet, about to catch a tour irl for the first time in a few months :')
#yknow that meme thats like. adult you trying to surprise younger you..#'you're a guy now' 'okay'#'you were right and dan and phil were both gay' 'WHAT'#many such cases#finch chirps#gen though i lowkey still can't believe IM GOING TO SEE THEM WHAT#being in the phandom through tatinof and ii sucked bc there was realistically no way i couldve gone (parents didnt like dnp +faraway shows)#and i wasnt really participating in the phandom during wad but i COULDVE gone - except i had just moved cross country recently#and wasnt confident making the trip to nashville by myself/wasnt sure if i would have anyone to go with bc i obv didnt have friends lol#I COULDVE SEEN THE FIRST SISTER DANIEL APPEARANCE i literally regret that sm#which feels a bit dramatic but . dnp have been important to me for a Very long time and i relate a lot to dans struggles w queerness+mh ack
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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kaveh genshin is so relatable bc i too am in my mid to late 20s trapped in a people pleaser vortex of my own making and having. a hell of a time re: professional career
#for. different reasons really but. these things dont have to be a one to one comparison to be relatable fjdkslfh#alhaithams also relatable bc hes a sound hater and is bad at socializing. altho kaveh claims he knows how and just#chooses not to. i think thats debatable sdjlfksd#maybe both. who knows. tbh kaveh probably does know best#i got distracted. anyway. jeeze. good lord.#i was just thinkin about how little i feel like i can do rn#i havent made fanfic progress in a long while bc i just feel like i cant#one of the [redacted] skills i technically do for my field i also just. god i feel so stuck and bad at it#but. at least im learning programming ??? thats been the one think keeping me on track#thank god for this one course ive had to follow thats giving me a sense of structure in these trying times#bc i actually am doing a lot better w/it now and am trying to make my own thing for potential portfolio work lol#but hhefhghdhf um. i'm in a bit of a struggle period right now :')#what ever i dont wanna get more into it im just . gfjdfhghhf
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i requested the whole second week of october off and it just got approved 🥳
#ive never been able to take a full paid week off and i needed something to look forward to even though its a little bit away#the timing is good bc it’s right after my birthday and i definitely need a full week to cope with turning 27 lmao#i’m hoping my bestie can get off a few days so we can do halloween stuff if she can’t then i’ll have to figure out something#the struggle of being a 1 friend loser girl lol
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love it when ocs show me what they look like when i'm struggling with a design like,,
there you are!!!
#not sure how to explain what i mean#but i'd been struggling with divina for a bit like i could almost see her. almost#anyway broke out of my usual oc design habits and tried something different#happy to report i've finally found her 😭💗#not sharing just yet bc it's an incredibly rough sketch and i do NOT have a handle on the p6 style like i do p3 lol#i wanna clean her up first but !!! there you are my baby girl !!!!!!!!!!!!#kiki speaky
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I was actually having a pretty good day until just now :/
#i reread and made notes for two solid hours! 15k of words!#i went for a walk and got ransom a toy and stocked up on chocolate (my excuse is that sometimes when i'm feeling awful eating a bit of#chocolate helps lol and this stuff was 50% off) and generally had a good walk!#and i had a bath. first bath of the season! and i read like hafl of out of hte silent planet while i was bathing and it was wonderful!#mum made the BEST ginger pudding today!#so like. i've had a great day today!#so many blessings!#and now i just feel awful because i ate something and i wanna throw up and i mustn't#been struggling more with dealin w eating lately too at times and in the last week have been deviating from what the dietitian's been#encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it#but today was a good day! a great day! and now i feel terrible for no apparent reason#yay me :/#puddleglum hours#personal#incidentally am SO grateful for the job that requires me to wear short sleeves bc i know that by now i would've harmed deep enough to scar#on my arms as well if i hadn't had the knowledge that the next day id have to be at work w that. the reason this is coming up rn is#bc SURPRISE i rlly wanna harm#and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i#didn't take it. it was a comfort. and now it feels awful not having it esp as idk when i'll get it back and also even worse my parents#litcherally gave me that knife for my last birthday. i don't know how mum feels about that#but yeah i just. i want to do smth drastic so bad#and i CAN'T#tw sh#i don't even know why#ugh
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I got given some feedback on the second assignment I ever did at university over two years ago (feedback was two years old too) from a senior lecturer and they said my academic voice was strong and that what had been submitted at the time showed great promise 🥹
It was submitted for publication but bc it was a really limited assignment and not long enough it didn't meet the guidelines (also again, literally my second assignment ever) but one of my old lecturers today told me that I could work on it and resubmit it for publication next year or give them my final dissertation instead (if it was good enough)
#I've been really struggling with academic stuff recently and recently received a very low grade (compared to the rest of my grades)#and it's really knocked my confidence and the doubts i had about a master's#but hearing that made me feel a little bit better bc it means that i still show that same promise#I've just been having a rough time#but yeah thinking abt doing this over the summer bc i would love love love to be published#it's not prestigious or anything but you get a physical copy and it would just mean the world to me#it's literally the highest form of academic praise to be considered publishable lol#but anyway nerding out lol#i told one of my fav lecturers i was looking at a different uni for master's and they were like well that's a knife to the heart#rants n rambles
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