#bc i have been struggling a bit lol
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to the people who regularly put together those amazing web weaving posts, you have my undying love and affection <333 truly in awe of the parallels y'all weave together
#i'm trying to collect all the pieces i need to post one (hopefully tonight or this weekend)#and i've never really done a proper web weave with so many different elements#and ofc i have this perfect image of it in my brain and like what if it's not actually perfect#or doesn't convey what i want it to#also feel like i'm gonna forget a crucial piece of it bc i don't fuckin.. member things#but it's fine! i'm gonna get it all together this weekend#and i am having fun with it which is the most important thing#i just also want to know how y'all find some of the quotes you do#bc i have been struggling a bit lol
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doing chibi is a good design exercise bc it forces u to think on shapes n essential details, essentially thumbnailing ur designs. its also a terrible design exercise bc it ends up looking cute no matter what
#dimension 20#fantasy high#riz gukgak#very specifically class swap bard!riz#fh class quangle#mm. I may need tags for all the asides Ive been doing lmao#riz's canon design is so coherent and thematically clean that I genuinely struggle to keep up...#bard!riz's whole thing is working out his identity through abject fear so it kiiiinda makes sense that hes got a different thing going#on every year I guess? like lmao the directive I go into each of these designs with changes vastly#freshman bard!riz has to look extremely nonthreatening. and also make you wanna pick him up and chuck him at a wall#annoyingly inoffensive. slides off your memory pretty much immediately. a void of an experience#crucially Does Not Show Teeth While Smiling#sophomore year bard!riz I have been keeping the like. cameraman direction for#I want him to be swimming in clothes a little bit... he kinda lands at like. 80s/90s shlocky horror protag too which I do like#bc what is season 2 to riz if not a horror story lmao#junior year bard!riz I want to be somewhere between clark kent and tintin#the journalist aesthetics is not so clear and easy to build as the detective or spy aesthetics...#but also I just. really like boy journalist lmao this is the BD blood speaking again#and! I actually do draw his hair differently than in my canon junior year riz stuff. its a bit shorter here so it doesn't#obscure as much of his face#its so funny actually going from drawing canon stuff to class swap esp. with riz bc he's smiling SO much here#and it's 100% trained like its crucial for u guys to know he is equally if not more fucked up as a bard#barely anybody can wrangle him in canon it's already been mostly him keeping himself on track. imagine if he actually learned how to act#mmm. I think these designs are still gonna soft change as I draw them. thats fine we have fun#drawing sophomore year bard!riz for those comiclets was fun as hell. I think on this factor alone I call it a success lol
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The sillies
#franknub#franklin hardesty#nubbins sawyer#been struggling to write a bit recently so im drawing them instead#gave Franklin a little bone bracelet bc i think nubbins would make him one#also dont worry about where they are that would have an actual couch lol#i just didnt feel like drawing the bone couch
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aau rework version of the overload/boss fight where it actually has consequences and bearing on the character dynamics save me,, save me aau rework,,,,
#Ily greif Stricken mj ily trust issues hattie ily pissed snatcher etc#The overload actually being a big deal also works out better bc youknow snatch doessss elude to it with mjs contract that shit will go down#So It fits better to me theyll all get a dynamic shift#ESP with the thought of mj finally starting to bond w snatcher a bit beforehand too fuckkkk#Undid all that progress#AND HAT that fucks me upppp like the one adult person you meet that you trust that hasn’t tried to kill you or backstab you doing just that#That will FUCK HER UPPPPP#THE SECOND IT HIT ME THE REASON I STRUGGLED WRITING HER WAS BC SHE WAS BORING WAS EARTH SHATTERING#BC THEN I WAS INSTANTLY LIKE “ok she comes to befriend mj wayyyy too fast I gotta inflict trust issues upon her later”#Bc I mentioned it like she jokes that mj is the only person on earth that didn’t try to kill her but never played on that fact#So boom the overload is my opportunity#Like they can’t get into a found family THAT EASILY. THESE GUYS ARE FIGHTING TOOTH AND NAIL FOR IT !!#a!au#amnesia!moonjumper au#ahit au#ahit a!au#Also if if ur wondering I drew snatch like that bc I like the idea he’s in between forms bc he’s weakened <mj uses the blue strings on him#Hence why he doesn’t do anything during the fight bc he’s kinda sorta been restrained oops lol#Watching ur forest and subjects get fucked up by a weirdo fucked up you cannot be fun#No one wins in overload arc. Everyone is having a bad time. Lol.#Ok I’m done yapping#Everyone loves Raymond OUT everyone hates mj IN
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#gnnn ^_^#reblog locked bc its wip#a doodley#i need to get better at that rib flare#also i dont think his face is super accurate here but im jst messin around and also i hate i felt i had to clarify that ykwim#like who caresss if he's Off im still learning to draw (him) and one drawing doesnt define me or him etc but idk. idk! idk#ill get better...#thje funny thing about this doodle is im freaking out bc my wrist hurts a bit and i was struggling to draw ppl again#after a few days of Blobbish Furs#so forced self to churn this out before sleeps like oh ok maybe it is just the pain thats affecting me (wrist now hurts a bit more)#ever since that one those feratu doodle ive been trying to give him more like. sinking sagging jowls (?)#as contrast to the bone landmark of his chin#i also have to give him more neck fat/loose skin there ykwim#but also have to learn to draw necks. lol.#ok ill fix dis later im so tired
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grumbling grumpily bc i unfortunately have to admit that i am indeed getting better >:( like i actually feel excitement again for example. smh. i look forward to going out and being with people??? i am way more agreeable to trying new things and i let myself approach them with an open mind so i often end up enjoying them??? this isn't me this isn't my heart .
#ngl i think. the last 2ish weeks before the show were a big turning point#i surprised myself with how cooperative i was and how positive and energetic i managed to be abt the whole thing#and then the show went great and i got ppl approaching me telling me they loved my bit#and i'm still feeling good since 🧐 this is so damn odd i'm not used to feeling okay for this long#and it's not like. like when i was 18 for example. that i was chill literally just bc i was detached from my feelings (ssris my beloathed).#bc now i do feel excited. as i mentioned. which hasn't happened for real in like. years#yet i'm still also mostly emotionally regulated. and not in a numb way i think#obviously i still have some hard times 😩 being bored is unbearable for example and I still struggle to find ways to solve it#and i still like. haven't been creative since august. but i also don't feel the need to do so either?#idk maybe acting scratches that itch enough that i don't need to write. who knows#anyway this was an angry (/j) ramble abt mental health. don't mind me#i AM extremely scared of when my body will turn on me and hormones imbalance will fuck me up#i'm extremely suspicious bc it should've happened by now according to past experiences. but i'm. still mostly fine. Hm#i also still tend to fall into self loathing lmao 😭 but. not as much as before. it hits hard when it does but usually goes away fast#achieving smth grand probability helped ease some of it far in my subconscious lol#uuuuuuuh does this need a cw tag. lmk 🫡
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part of the problem is that a lot of hugo's politics are really well thought out & considered & good but then some of them are like. entirely vibes-based to the point of feeling muddled & inconsistent & even straight up Bad sometimes. which is annoying
#sometimes it's like he's just saying things. chewing it over in real time but not getting anywhere really. which is frustrating when you've#just been immersed in a really deep & serious point he's carefully made & laid out just before#<- e.g. this section of revolt vs insurrection has some good points ig & could be interesting if it was actually grounded in some sort#of idk. political theory or something. but instead he spends a lot of it just falling back on ~vibes which sucks Especially bc#sometimes that 'sense' misleads him i think! and he ends up wandering closer to certain reactionary ideas than he intends#like he starts w this really banger bit basically making fun of the bourgeoisie opinion on violent uprising but then?? kind of ends up#doing that a bit himself by the end? not to mention that tbh i think the whole distinction he's trying to make here is kind of bogus anyway#it really feels he's trying to soothe his like lingering bits of conservative discomfort around this sort of armed uprising#by sorting it into a 'good' 'type' while maintaining a 'bad' 'type' for anything he's still not comfortable with#<- i wouldn't phrase that quite so harshly except i still think his bit on 1848 is annoying & this sort of goes hand in hand w that towards#like. actually actively working against the values he's trying to strive towards. y'know.#it's like you can see genuinely him intellectually trying to come round but he has still not let go of these#sort of like. instinctive conservative bourgeois discomforts in his subconscious. if that makes sense#thoughts#<- also the take on caesar & alexander & columbus etc. 😑🚬 i'm tired#kind of funny though bc sometimes his characters (i.e. like the amis) come across as having more clear grounded discussed well#thought through political opinions than he does. lol. it's like he saw the vision but was struggling with it personally at times#les mis
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the mnt pass song in baldurs gate is on..........time to focus
#thats me focusing btw#this song is so good................i will write so much to this song..................#i swear i have maybe 10 or less scenes i need to write to connect the end of standstill with the bits i've rewritten over the past 3 months#it is craaaazy how much i ended up rewriting and how QUICKLY i rewrote it too like wtf... who am i#like the meat is still there it just feels meatier now. it's weird to see ur own creation coming together you know!!#when it feels like you have a better understanding on what it is you're creating idk that's cool!#for this project i have been practicing my pacing/tone and i have tried really hard to make the things i include seem intentional#bc i think those are things i struggle with the most. it's been fun to see improvement in those areas!! all bc of a sims story no less lol
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if only 11 year old me knew that someday i would be 21 and still not better but still surviving, and still watching those videos of those two guys on the internet, about to catch a tour irl for the first time in a few months :')
#yknow that meme thats like. adult you trying to surprise younger you..#'you're a guy now' 'okay'#'you were right and dan and phil were both gay' 'WHAT'#many such cases#finch chirps#gen though i lowkey still can't believe IM GOING TO SEE THEM WHAT#being in the phandom through tatinof and ii sucked bc there was realistically no way i couldve gone (parents didnt like dnp +faraway shows)#and i wasnt really participating in the phandom during wad but i COULDVE gone - except i had just moved cross country recently#and wasnt confident making the trip to nashville by myself/wasnt sure if i would have anyone to go with bc i obv didnt have friends lol#I COULDVE SEEN THE FIRST SISTER DANIEL APPEARANCE i literally regret that sm#which feels a bit dramatic but . dnp have been important to me for a Very long time and i relate a lot to dans struggles w queerness+mh ack
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i requested the whole second week of october off and it just got approved 🥳
#ive never been able to take a full paid week off and i needed something to look forward to even though its a little bit away#the timing is good bc it’s right after my birthday and i definitely need a full week to cope with turning 27 lmao#i’m hoping my bestie can get off a few days so we can do halloween stuff if she can’t then i’ll have to figure out something#the struggle of being a 1 friend loser girl lol
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love it when ocs show me what they look like when i'm struggling with a design like,,
there you are!!!
#not sure how to explain what i mean#but i'd been struggling with divina for a bit like i could almost see her. almost#anyway broke out of my usual oc design habits and tried something different#happy to report i've finally found her 😭💗#not sharing just yet bc it's an incredibly rough sketch and i do NOT have a handle on the p6 style like i do p3 lol#i wanna clean her up first but !!! there you are my baby girl !!!!!!!!!!!!#kiki speaky
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I was actually having a pretty good day until just now :/
#i reread and made notes for two solid hours! 15k of words!#i went for a walk and got ransom a toy and stocked up on chocolate (my excuse is that sometimes when i'm feeling awful eating a bit of#chocolate helps lol and this stuff was 50% off) and generally had a good walk!#and i had a bath. first bath of the season! and i read like hafl of out of hte silent planet while i was bathing and it was wonderful!#mum made the BEST ginger pudding today!#so like. i've had a great day today!#so many blessings!#and now i just feel awful because i ate something and i wanna throw up and i mustn't#been struggling more with dealin w eating lately too at times and in the last week have been deviating from what the dietitian's been#encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it#but today was a good day! a great day! and now i feel terrible for no apparent reason#yay me :/#puddleglum hours#personal#incidentally am SO grateful for the job that requires me to wear short sleeves bc i know that by now i would've harmed deep enough to scar#on my arms as well if i hadn't had the knowledge that the next day id have to be at work w that. the reason this is coming up rn is#bc SURPRISE i rlly wanna harm#and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i#didn't take it. it was a comfort. and now it feels awful not having it esp as idk when i'll get it back and also even worse my parents#litcherally gave me that knife for my last birthday. i don't know how mum feels about that#but yeah i just. i want to do smth drastic so bad#and i CAN'T#tw sh#i don't even know why#ugh
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I got given some feedback on the second assignment I ever did at university over two years ago (feedback was two years old too) from a senior lecturer and they said my academic voice was strong and that what had been submitted at the time showed great promise 🥹
It was submitted for publication but bc it was a really limited assignment and not long enough it didn't meet the guidelines (also again, literally my second assignment ever) but one of my old lecturers today told me that I could work on it and resubmit it for publication next year or give them my final dissertation instead (if it was good enough)
#I've been really struggling with academic stuff recently and recently received a very low grade (compared to the rest of my grades)#and it's really knocked my confidence and the doubts i had about a master's#but hearing that made me feel a little bit better bc it means that i still show that same promise#I've just been having a rough time#but yeah thinking abt doing this over the summer bc i would love love love to be published#it's not prestigious or anything but you get a physical copy and it would just mean the world to me#it's literally the highest form of academic praise to be considered publishable lol#but anyway nerding out lol#i told one of my fav lecturers i was looking at a different uni for master's and they were like well that's a knife to the heart#rants n rambles
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diving head first into learning italian just bc of khr
#starting out a class in the new sem lol i have one class tmr and im excited#with a hint of fear bc its been ages since ive started learning a new language again#but honestly i do think itll be fun bc the professor for this class is well known to have her classes super fun#which makes me even more excited#what im mostly scared of is speaking because i ive been stuttering with english a lot more#italian have so many Ls and Rs and Zs sounds and i struggle with those the most when im nervous so hgnhhhhh#but its a bit too late now 💀 oh rip ig
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Why do I say things like this. Like what was the need. Why do I feel the need to jinx myself. What was the reason.
#lol just looking thru my drawings and i saw that tag#and im like YOU! ITS YOUR FAULT IM BURNT OUT! I BLAME YOU(catie from that specific day)#anyways trying to draw nando and ITS NOT GOING WELL YKNOW#i still really struggle with drawing real people#seb is okay bcs ive drawn him the most and like have stared at his face for hours so...familiar...yeah...#and i do in fact look at a fuckton of nando pics BUT GOD HIS FACE IS SO DIFFICULT#he just has very like odd features i guess. AND HES VERY HANDSOME FOR IT but god they do not lend to easy drawing#i miss oc drawing where theres no accuracy really required since its all from my head#not that im never drawing ocs again. theyre still my beloved but i dont rly have any ideas atm for them :<#wanna draw rüß as an f1 driver tbh bcs ive been maladaptive daydreaming about that for the past few weeks#but as you know im somewhat allergic to drawing racesuits 😭#also im wondering if drawing chibis so much fucked up my sense of style bcs now i struggle sometimes w proportions#i just. dont want to be burnt out anymore. i know its something you cant really force yourself thru#and also that you shouldn't force yourself cause it just makes it worse but#idk. i wanna draw so badly 😭 and i do it and sometimes it works out and sometimes im just staring at the screen like. oh.#i want to also finish the pt 2 to the boy king ficlet. i always randomly add a few paragraphs to it#blah blah anyways just thinking. i feel a bit frustrated and unfufilled atm i guess#like that feeling in your chest of tightness. its the worst. i wanna throw something or break something i guess#PLEASE JUST LET ME DRAW MY PORTRAIT OF KING NANDO IM BEGGING#he'll be so pretty okay 😭😭 i just cant get his fucking face right#ignore me ignore me. catie is: going through it#i miss the sense of urgency that drawing before my flight gave me#i like having that sense of incentive and deadline. like: you genuinely need to finish this right now.#if not then its me creating meaningless deadlines in my head that actually make me have worse burn out 🙃#i love how before texas im like i am going to finsih all my wips!! anf then finished exactly: zero#catie.rambling.txt
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Ok yk what I think I need to run a poll I need to know what the pipeline is for ppl who like went to public school or didn’t have many friends or smth & basically had zero exposure to what is & isn’t socially acceptable until eventually branching out social circles and learning more
SO HERE IS THE QUESTION maybe this is actually a natural human experience maybe im just fucking autistic idfk. All I know is I’m still incredibly fucked up from smth that happened a decade ago and I’ve never bothered asking if anyone else has gone thru smth like it
#fyi this goes for ANY inappropriate thing. like it does not just have to be like interrupting ppl or smth#in fact this is ESPECIALLY asking toward ppl who have said things like slurs and very harmful things w/o knowing/understanding the weight—#—those words carry. THATS what im looking for because I NEVER see it talked about#like. whenever I see this discussed the conversation just ends at ‘everyone knows they’re bad’ but CLEARLY not everyone#I need to know how other people cope with the guilt of saying fucked up things and not knowing until the damage had been done#because SURELY I’m not the only one who went through this#SURELY I’m not the only one who struggles with believing I deserve any sort of kindness#Surely I’m not the only one who developed severe morality related obsessions and compulsions over this right???????????#So yea anyway call this my desperate attempt to maybe possibly heal a teensy bit from a decade old wound#Bc it took this long apparently for me to realize I still struggle with the guilt & feel like a fraud knowing the ppl who care for me now#don’t know about my past behaviour and I’m deceiving them each time I laugh with them and smile with them#There has to be SOMEONE out there that understands right#anyway if this ends in ppl confirming that I do in fact not deserve love for this past behaviour like my thoughts tell me then idfk man lol#can’t live with that whatever anyway#personal
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