#bc i couldn’t go See them
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hi internet friends . i love you. you’re niceys to me and i really appreciate that bc you were not obligated to be. and yet you chose kindness and companionship anyways. that’s very nice of you
#marzi speaks#been thinking abt how when i was Very Sick i felt very separate from a lot of my irl friends#bc i couldn’t go See them#and i’ve been feeling like that while i waited out the semester i had to take off as well#because nobody was still really in my hometown consistently#but the online friends are still the same level of reachable no matter what#so like. it helped the loneliness a lot. talking to people online#brought me a lot of comfort. still does. i have a lot going on in my head right now#but when my online friends talk to me and do things with me it helps me feel more like a person#so like. thanks. <3 a ton. genuinely#(to my mutuals who are also irls: i love you too of course i just am reflecting on sickness stuffs)
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you are umasou
#I watched it today it was so good#im not big on dinosaur stuff but i like how it was used to approach the predator/prey conversation especially when both sides are sentient#instead of just defaulting to well since predators are meat eaters their actions are automatically immoral so their role in the story#has to match. and then when your characters /are/ meat eaters you just step around that whole topic#heart knows he has to kill and eat so there’s no avoiding it but even he knows he has agency over that#hell he even decided to hunt by himself so umasou doesn’t have to see him kill and eat another dinosaur a day after meeting him#and maybe its because it’s a kids movie but it also doesn’t make a big show over the act of hunting and eating. it doesn’t dwell on it#like yes you can clearly see them ripping into guts minus the graphic details but it doesnt go out of its way to censor it either#its played straight just like hearts mom having more kids like nobody asks who the father is or when that happened cuz it doesn’t matter#what matters is she still loves heart and encourages her kids to greet their big brother and they do!!! it’s sweet#Beckon was also an interesting touch bc they make it clear the only reason he doesnt eat umasou is bc he cant and not that he wouldn’t#but he’s still a funny and interesting character and that doesn’t get in the way of how we see him too much#same for baku he was pretty polite with heart esp from the start when he asks him if hes abandoned implying he would be prepared to#look out for him from the start. and at the end when he decides to spare him. I dont hate him at all hes just intimidating#you are umasou#doodles#I wanted to draw smth more detailed but I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go with the cartoony art style#or smth closer to realistic?? so this is like. some sort of compromise I guess
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Just remembered that Will sat on the icebox in the van for the 30 hr ride back to Hawkins
#byler#stranger things#that willelmike dynamic in the van after the monologue needs to be studied under a microscope#like why couldn’t we see the aftermath of his monologue???#what happened??#when will sat on the icebox did el and mike look confused??#did they offer to leave room for him to sit there but he declined politely like no that’s okay…#followed by the next 30 hrs of awkward#I know the vibes were OFF#that’s the reason they only let us be confronted with them by the time they arrived in Hawkins#they needed to shift the mood to confusion about Hawkins’ state#bc they could not reveal what the vibes were like before that#no but the prospects of el hugging all of them after saving max#and it’s like emotional and they’re all so relieved she’s alive#but then shortly after that when they’re planning going back to Hawkins#she’s distant again#maybe it’s with everyone so they just brush it off as her needing time to process everything#but it’s still suspicious because…#why are things with her and mike still feeling very off#and then that’s when they’re getting into the van and then will just adds to the awkwardness even more by sitting on the icebox 😭#I also noticed 2 pillows on the backseat so it’s likely that’s where byler slept in s4 during their shenanigans#so I’m guessing that where el and mike slept while Will slept on the floor 😭#no but seriously they could not show any of that without giving it all away#the angst and heartbreak and confusion and regret would have been so loud 😅
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hater has disturbing reoccurring dreams about wander crawling inside his ribcage that always have him waking up in a cold sweat [they just feel too real and hater can’t place why]. wander has reoccurring dreams of hater ceremoniously destroying him with the Disaster Blaster and it’s the one dream he doesn’t eagerly blab to sylvia about because he doesn’t know how to tell her that it never feels like a nightmare. soooo is anyone else sick in the head or is it just me
#wander over yonder#woy#im having a lot of thoughts about their dynamic#it’s weird bc. i don’t necessarily see them as making for a good ship [RAISES HANDS DEFENSIVELY] and let me explain!#i haven’t quite finished the show yet but like. while they definitely have the potential for yaoi. i cannot imagine what it would look like#for hater to actually… reform and reach a healthy balance in his life. it would be AWESOME to see#but i just… he has so far to go and it feels like while wander could be the catalyst for change within hater. he couldn’t feasibly Fix him#does that make any sense??#either way i Do enjoy the ship! i just feel like it’s very important to point out that there is no canon scenario where it’s not toxic#at least not within the immediate future. yafeel#anyhoooooo#gear diary#wander#lord hater#ALSO to elaborate on my actual post: it’s worth mentioning that hater was unconscious for the rib cage thing#and i think by the time he finally perked up. it’s safe to say that he never fully processed what wander had done#at least from what i remember#as for wander. obviously he doesn’t Want to die. but The Big Day was hugely important to him#as his singular mutually happy memory between him and hater. and by the end of it all#he was fully prepared to just…. let hater fire. if he thought it could make hater happy.#do y’all ever think about that because i do 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
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OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.
#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter.#he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point.#and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!!#hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do!#the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into-#one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT.#but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb.#I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time.#and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances.#and doesn’t want to hear any excuse.#but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment.#NOW. CHAPTER 17.#UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN#Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC.#IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!!#BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn’t do anything wrong’#WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM.#(NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.)#and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through.#despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up.#like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him.#that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying.#just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner.#IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD.#and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore.#he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had.#and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT.#<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but.#eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind.#I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags
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gay horses my beloved
#tatsumayo#tatsumi kazehaya#kazehaya tatsumi#mayoi ayase#ayase mayoi#enstars fanart#enstars#ensemble stars#ok if u read this far in the tags#I CAN EXPLAIN#ok so tatsumi is an earth pony bc i feel like that’s what human tatsumi would pick#like i think if u asked him he would think havig magic or wings would be some kind of unfair advantage#so. earth pony :3#mayoi is a pegasus bc of the extra movement#easier to get into vents on the ceiling and also he can hide in clouds :3#uhh cutie marks. main thing for both of them is their symbols within alkaloid obv#u can’t see it but mayoi has a little fine brush to represent his little dioramas :)#and tatsumi has a cross bc jesus. i couldn’t think of anything else :(#i was actually going to replace it with some like mlp-equivalent religious symbol#but then i realized that i don’t think mlp really has religion?#it’s been a while since i’ve watched it maybe im forgetting smth but the closest i can think of is the princesses#and like yeah celestia and luna are basically sun/moon goddesses but they’re not really worshipped as such#like they’re just. government officials#so. i just gave up and went with horse jesus#which is like actually pretty funny to imagine now that i’m thinking about it LMAO#anyways. enjoy#i love ttmy so much i need to crush them into a fine paste and eat them#twoadrawstuff
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i will never forgive suzanne for robbing us of the everlark reunion…katniss getting all giddy and excited to touch peeta again and hug him and kiss him and see his smile and hear his laugh only for him to try to kill her because he’s been hijacked into thinking she’s a threat…COLLINS YOU WILL BE DEALT WITH!
#suzanne collins#she’s SICK for that#everlark#mockingjay#katniss everdeen#peeta mellark#SNOW is sick for that WTF!#just imagine a happy but weary peeta smiling at katniss when he first wakes up#happy to see her safe and sound#being all like ‘hey sweetheart’#them talking to one another about what’s been happening during their separation#katniss happy to have peeta back but noticing the damage snow has done to him#noticing the slightly hollow look in his eyes#the way his skin clings to his bones#the way he flinches when someone touches him unexpectedly#ERUGHHHH SUZANNE!#i’m literally at the part where katniss is about to see peeta again and i had to stop right there bc i couldn’t go any further
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still one of my favourite bat interactions lmao kuukou treating jyushi gently and then teasingly threatening hitoya with ✨murder✨
#this is vee speaking#*crying* i have been wanting to reshare this clip for a week now but couldn’t bc i had no internet BUT I DO NOW LETS GO 😭😭😭😭😭🙌🙌🙌🙌#lol i don’t bully hitoya as relentlessly as i used to and that’s bc the narrative does it for me now#but i remember thinking when this first dropped that the reason i probably like bullying hitoya is because kuukou himself enjoys it LOL#i like seeing the various ways kuukou uses physicality to get his affection across lol#i also think about this scene when i’m thinking about kuukou’s mastery over his body/strength lol#like when bat first gets together jyushi passes out from kuukou’s bars and hitoya scolds kuukou for it#and kuukou replies he’s not skilled enough to know how to hold himself back#and this scene shows exactly what he means he’s not skilled enough to hold back lol#kuukou constantly trains himself so he knows his limits strengths and weaknesses#kuukou’s flexing that strength against hitoya for funsies lol but he knows how to stop himself from actually harming him#lol i also like to compare this scene to a panel in the tdd manga where kuukou is just slapping the shit out of ichiro’s back#and it’s a friendly gesture lol but ichiro grumbles kuukou’s using too much strength#kuukou using that much strength tho is him knowing ichiro can handle it lol i like that they’re twin physical monsters#remember when the both of them physically chucked a huge ass man with one hand lmao
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has anyone written anything where everything is the same but steve has beef w eddie bc he saw hellfire coming out of the school the night of lucas’s basketball game
#and he realised none of them went to support lucas#and maybe he confronted dustin and like ab it bc what the hell guys he can’t change what day the game is why didn’t you support your friend#this was important to him#etc#and dustin and mike are like this was important to us!!! and steve is just??? idc??? you couldn’t do the campaign like? tomorrow???#and dustin just kinda tells steve that eddie wouldn’t let that happen and he made them go find a substitute#which is why erica wasn’t at the game either#which steve noticed bc he goes to every game and he sees erica there every time but she wasn’t there that night#so steve just ends up pissed at eddie for not letting them postpone the campaign#also unrelated but i’m thinking about robins and lucas’s friendship like she’d def act like a big sister#<333#anyway i’m just ranting#someone write this pls i have too many wips#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#stranger things
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we didnt sit near each other at the goats show but you had so much energy it made me so happy !! you were the only other people getting tf into aisle and you just looked so happy i hope you enjoy life like that a lot more. also the cowboy hat BANGED it looked sick as hell
THANK YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
i *WAS* so happy!! i was honestly trying to keep my hopes low for this show bc it was a john and peter duo when i booked it and i wasn’t sure how the change would change the vibe of the setlist but, needless to say my expectations were WILDLY exceeded!!!!!!!
i hope you had fun as well!!
#the cowboy hat is my mandatory concert attire now so you’ll know if you see me again!#also i really did have SO much energy#considering that i went to work at 8am that morning and then left early and drove three hours to get to the show!#(and knew i’d have to drive another two hours after that to get to my final destination for the night)#but i was SOOOOOOO happy i couldn’t NOT have energy! it was electrifying!#THANK YOU for the message!!!!#also to be perfectly clear: NOTHING against Jon and Matt - i just wanted to hear older songs#but i am VERY happy with what i got!#and i’m excited to see what they play in a couple weeks#because YES i am seeing them again!#i shelled out for a tour shirt bc 1) it was cute and 2) i’m going to two shows - i HAD to!
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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💔
#today of all days might feel the hardest of them all#I have been having a really hard time coming to terms with the reality of this and what it all really means#I feel as though since liam passed I haven’t been able to really understand it all or believe it to be true just out of pure shock and#not wanting to believe it#it just doesn’t seem possible or real#but today is different#today somehow feels more painful than ever before#my heart hurts my chest hurts my whole body aches#I know people say when they lose someone they feel like a part of them is missing#well I really do have a piece of me missing#these boys are what allowed me to survive#if it weren’t for these boys I don’t know if I’d even be here today#they kept me going and gave me a purpose and a light that I couldn’t find by myself#I haven’t been able to sit down and actually write something meaningful as a tribute to liam bc it just didn’t seem real and I knew if I#tried to write something that would mean it was really real#Liam was actually going to be gone#and here we are today seeing horrible horrible photos of the boys from some fucksd up people who think it’s okay to invade someone’s most#private moments and share them with the world#and I think this#seeing their faces#is what really made this all come to life for me and made me really grasp the fact that he’s gone#and it just made me so furious I#I don’t know how to go on with my life knowing that he’s gone and there will just forever be a piece of me missing#like I just can’t process the fact that the person who kept me going is now ??? gone#and I just have to somehow accept that?#and continue on as if everything is fine ??#I can’t understand how to do that#I just don’t know#I grew up with these boys#they quite literally shaped me into who I am today and it just hurts so so so much and I don’t know how to handle it
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pallas in book one is definitely at it-cannot-possibly-get-worse-than-this ABSOLUTE rock bottom but god. there is such a specific flavour to their despair in book two that only happens because of the realization they have at the end of lay me down. like. how do you move on after admitting that everything you believed in was a lie. how do you live with what you’ve done (with what has been done to you). is it possible to pull yourself up out of the pit you’ve dug. what do you do if it isn’t. what do you do if it IS. and once you look at the damage how do you stop looking. past the first layer of hurt there’s just more and more hurt and you were used by the one person who was supposed to keep you safe to cause even MORE pain and no matter how deep you go none of it means anything! it never meant anything at all!! motherfucker your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#pallas’s whole arc in the first book is getting to the point where they go ‘maybe i? feel bad about all this?? actually???’#i cannot overstate enough that it takes an entire book to get them to that point lmao#and then it’s like. newsflash buddy now you’ve gotta DEAL with that#it really is the mental equivalent of getting into a hot bath of after being out in the cold for a whole day#and the interesting thing about pallas in the first book and their status as a villian and like. their eventual ‘oh SHIT’ moment#is that pallas doesn’t need to realize that they’re a bad person doing bad things#pallas is VERY aware that they are a bad person doing bad things#it’s actually more about realizing the harm that’s been done to them? like as a human being??#bc they very much have the attitude of ‘well of course i’m doing bad things i was born as an inherently evil person there’s nothing else#i’m capable of doing the most i can hope for is that someone points me in the right direction and i’ll be able to do the hard things#that other people cannot (and SHOULD NOT) do’#so THATS the mindset that needs to be unlearned before they can start moving forward? if that makes sense?#less ‘shit are we the baddies?’ and more ‘shit have i been horrifically abused?’#but then after that realization all the blood they’ve spilled is still there. and they should never have had to do that. no one should ever#have to do that. but they did and now they’re starting to see the full extent of what that means#and they have to find a way to live with it.#and it’s absolutely DEVASTATING.#wip: ghost story#pallas#i’ve been working on the book two outline. if you couldn’t tell. head in absolute hands rn.
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Started knitting a kufiya pattern piece (solid bars, olive leaves, fishnet) and I’m actually really happy with how it’s coming out so far :]
Very early progress pics below cut - excuse my pyjamas
#ra speaks#personal#needlework#knitting#I tried a few different leaf patterns but ended up frogging them bc they were proportionate to the rest of it#I’m going w a more simple leaf pattern which means it doesn’t show up well until I get a few dozen more rows in#but bc I know they’re there I can see them and it’s like yessss yesssss#I’ve been planning this pattern for weeks bc I couldn’t find a pattern out there#and I hate changing colors and stuff so this is just a mono color textured pattern#which tbh I think will look nicer even if it isn’t a solid piece of fabric (eg. the net is lace instead of a pattern on solid fabric)#if I was gonna start over I’d make the bars a smidge thinner but the netting section is pretty big so maybe it’ll look fine once I’m done
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i have been diagnosed with “rather severe” fibromyalgia
#and ‘likely’ the me/cfs double whammy but he couldn’t determine my#degree of PEM so i’d have to find someone else to confirm it#pegasus speaks#they told me i was gonna have to stay on the psych ward until monday or tuesday if i wanted to see the rheumatologist#bc they don’t work weekends and there is no outpatient option#(told me this AFTER i had been discharged .. like after they had cleaned my room and put someone else in it)#i’d been waiting for them to come see me all day and then evening rolled around and still nothing#and i’ve been fighting for this for years so i agreed. but i cried so hard the doctor arranged for an on-call to see me#did the whole physical and ultrasounds and went over all the blood work and my history again#and i got to go home after#i’m so thankful to that man#feels like shit to know how poor the prognosis is but i’m comforted to have a concrete starting point#to know i’m not delusional after 6-7 years of seeking medical attention for this#i’m both saddened and so relieved#and above all exhausted
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