#autism related purposes

[bucketboat]

I’m learning Scottish Gaelic! I’m gonna try to include that + Ukrainian into my works more often. For practise & whatnot

Language is so fun I love learning languages. I’m planning on doing the Irish one next, Swedish if I get around to it

[ominous-feychild]

Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:

and I just--

I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.

But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...

Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.

But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."

Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.

I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.

It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.

I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.

I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?

Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?

I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.

Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?

[c-kiddo]

to me, caduceus multiple times stating how exhausted and tired he is to tmn (including in response to being asked a question.. just too tired to think about it anymore) is spoonie evidence . yes he kept going with tmn on adrenalin and wanting to help them but he was saying it even more at the end of th campaign and he really should get to lay down more . otherwise i think he is dizzy and brainfoggy and has a wonky heart-rate

[autisticlee]

trying my best to to act "normal" and "practice" social skills by doing small talk and trying to make people talk about themselves by "not making it all about myself" and asking them questions and putting spotlight on them all that stuffs. specifically on the bumble friends app but also some discord servers.

I know you're technically supposed to ask people questions when get to know them, let them answer and don't answer your own question, and not do the back and forth say related things about yourselves without being asked way like I prefer. but trying to think of questions, then how to respond to their answer without automatically "and here's related fact about me" is so hard and exhausting!!!!! is not that I want to make it about me. is that I can only talk about things I know or let conversation end completely. if I respond about me then "it's all about me" but can't think of enough responses and questions when other person doesnt give much response back and doesnt ask questions. especially when their answers are too plain and boring like less than 5 words. no extra info to learn anything about them or be able to continue conversation. no idea for more questions.

example: what kind of arts and crafts do you enjoy most? what do you like to make? tell me all about your arts! "I crochet clothes" oh cool i've crochets a few things....(right it's not supposed to be ~all about me~) uh favorite clothing to crochet? "shirts. sometimes hats" oh uh.....how's...the weather....???????????? I don't know 🥲

I can't do this small talk thing. it feels so forced and unnatural. genuinely don't know how, don't know what to do. how many questions need asked? what questions are allowed? how to respond to their answer? especially when answer is super short? when is appropriate to talk about things I know and like? does only one person ask question? do I lead everything? why is this interrogation about them? are they uncomfortable? am I asking roght questions? what questions they want me to ask? what thing do they want to talk about? why I not feel like i'm getting to know them at all? when does small talk end? don't know anything! everyone else knows the rules and expect me to know but no one teaches me! and trying to use internet to learn isn't helping because I still don't get it! and too many rules to follow it gets boring and exhausting and frustrating and confusing. especially if I follow the rules and they do not. like they're supposed to ask questions back but they don't. what do then? keep asking questions? talk about something I like? idk

I prefer get to know someone over time naturally through talking about shared interests and doing activities or sharing back and forth what we are comfortable sharing without needing think of questions and feel like we pry into each other's lives. seems easier but is not allowed in the rules. need to follow the rules, but not all things are listed in small talk tutorial posts/videos. like needing know right question to ask, what's appropriate and not too invasive, know what questions they want to answer and what thing talk about, how to respond correctly and how to keep going when you get barely any response back, how to know what is too much to say and what is good amount, etc. because small talk seems all about mind reading or guessing correctly and i always fail.

doesn't feel like I get to know anyone from it. examples I see have the people both responding with many words and questions. answers I get are plain and superficial amd short. I get bored because it feels like I do all the work. i'm expected to ask questions but they don't ask back. they barely give response. but if I add anecdote about myself then i risk it's "all about me" and they never open up enough to get to know them more. is easier to get to know people when doing shared activities to feel their natural vibe and energy or get them talking without needing prompted. but small talk doesn't do that and keeps a barrier and I can't figure out a way around it so it always ends there if i'm the one that is designated leader. I know i can't lead. dont want to. confused and bored. so give up on the conversation. therefore no new friends. only wasted energy and spoons and now too tired and burnt out to try again for a few weeks. sighs. how people do this naturally and it works?! don't understand!

[giliath]

I know things like asexuality and autism are spectrums, but fitting into either feels a bit like a normal curve situation for me. Like I'm at the tail-end of either, the standard deviation furthest from the mean.

Most people seem to experience either of these identities in a way that allows them to easily connect with other people and have community. Which has led me to think that I'm broken or doing something completely wrong.

[mirrorthoughts]

Ngh... I thought I found a book in German to give to my parents to explain Audhd/AD(H)D and Autism (you don't know how hard it is to actually find German books or at least German translations about that topic... especially ones that aren't 5+ years old).

The first few chapters in the ADHD part were great, just one word kinda rubbed me wrong: The author described ADHD as an "illness".

A few chapters in and now we're at a full blown "five weeks to success - declaring war on [your] ADHD".

It's just... what she writes isn't wrong, but the way she portraits it is as if you have cancer or something and you just have to keep staying strong, work on yourself and get treatment and soon you will be normal again!

That's my brain, m'am! Not a tumor!

It's just giving me the heebie jeebies reading through this. Even if she, as I said, doesn't actually say wrong things as far as I can tell. Just the whole framing is off...

(I'll still read through this and there are a few tips I want to try out but I'm definitely not going to give that book to my parents thank you very much...)

[fluffydice]

And the truth of it all is I watch House MD primarily for the actual medical work they do

[transmasc-wizard]

throwing myself at the foot of a therapist's chair saying Please pretty please explain to me what these symptoms are caused by

[revvywevvy]

You like incredibly misunderstood characters. Do you relate to that by any chance? /light hearted

y. yeah. SDGHSDGHSDGHDSHS

[blueish-bird]

burnout is sapping my hyperfixation of creative energy, but not to worry! I’m still thinking about Aki and Angel an incredibly abnormal amount

[cate032305]

💜💜

No no you don't understand! I want to watch this show/movie, read this book, listen to this podcast, etc.! But I must be in the right mindset and the exact head space to begin, or I just can't!

[jarognieva]

I need to vent

[tofixtheshadows]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

my frustration with “going nonverbal/nonspeaking” (as a fully nonverbal person)

transcript: my frustration with “going nonverbal/nonspeaking” (as a fully nonverbal person)

this written for instagram because of this post. but thought tumblr may like it too. “you” means general you, no one specific.

the instagram post and this on wordpress

this disclaimer is for instagram but also for anyone new to this discussion:

in full honestly, don’t know how to write this. am tired, language and complex ideas too much at time of writing, and general exhaust at having to argue same thing over and over again and justify own existence. tired of being minority within minority, wish there are others to do these work for me so i don’t have to do it all by self, singlehandedly advocate for everyone (not to mention problem with that—i can’t speak for everyone).

so honestly, if you don’t have anything nice to say, especially if you speaking (yes, even if you lose speech. include you), just don't say anything at all. move on.

online actually autistic community (AAut) dominated by white, lower support needs. level 1, speaking, late diagnosed, high masking autistics. find people like you is great, what not great is you treat your very narrow community as “voice of all autistic” and your experience as ultimate autistic experience. i write plenty about that, many more elaborate than this, if you not familiar with this concept.

many people in this community experience times when cannot speak, sometimes because overwhelm, shutdown, dissociate, or anxiety (situational mutism), but do not struggle with act of speaking rest of time (some struggle with speech all the time but still can speak - more on that later). the community call “going nonverbal/nonspeaking,” or even ���when i am nonverbal nonspeaking” (not talking about those nonverbal as child and verbal now older), after clinical term “nonverbal” (nonverbal autism) and term coined by apraxic nonspeaking autistics “nonspeaking.”

both of which talk about it as an “all the time” experience.

when i search nonverbal or nonspeaking because i want community too, want see people like me too, two category i see: 1) parents of nonverbal nonspeaking children, whom can’t relate to because age, who can’t write own experience because their age and developmental ability. and 2) overwhelming amount of speaking autistic talk about going nonverbal going nonspeaking.

and the very very few fully nonverbal nonspeaking voices. drowned out. cannot find anyone.

nonverbal used to be term to describe us, people who can’t speak or cannot functionally speak beyond few words. medical term, alright, so some of us don’t like. so some of us reject that and create term all of our own, called nonspeaking. created by nonspeaking autistics with severe apraxia and brain body disconnect, describe their own experience of able to think in words able to spell out words (with great dedication and work and support), just cannot do that with mouth. their term. they create.

and you take it? without knowing context? without reading anything by those same nonspeaking coiners?

when is last time you purposely seek out nonverbal nonspeaking voices? when is last time you accidentally came across us? can you name any nonverbal nonspeaking advocate that talk about their experiences? one? two? three? a BIPOC person, a (specifically) Black person? a Black woman? a trans person? a physically disabled person? a person not from western world?

same narrative over and over. “i can speak for nonverbal autistic i understand their experience because i am autistic i can’t talk sometimes” no you cannot. as someone who was able to speak when young who lose speech (”go nonverbal”) but now have no speech to lose because full time nonverbal. no the experience not the same. not comparable. you gain it back. i don’t. you can explain with mouth words what happen when you get out. i can’t, i only have AAC. countless nonverbal nonspeaking people without AAC or sign cannot, at all. you never experience daily small and big struggle of casually being nonverbal all the time.

your experience of lose speech unique from my nonverbal. but if you so insist to compare and equate, you only guest to my experience, my daily life.

“when i go nonverbal and no one understand so have to force to speak” i cannot force words out. know you don’t mean to say this, and not saying you at fault for this, but nevertheless accidental perpetuate and reinforce idea that anyone who don’t speak can just be forced to speak if try hard enough. but often not how it works. and this exact harmful rhetoric devoid and delays nonverbal nonspeaking people given access to AAC, because “need try to force words out first, AAC unnatural so last resort.”

this may be new concept for you. new concept to instagram, to tiktok. to other places. it may seem i only one with this problem, “i once saw a nonspeaking person’s account and they don’t have problem.”

yeah, because we are not monolith. some nonverbal nonspeaking people don’t care. some nonverbal nonspeaking people may even welcome “go nonverbal nonspeaking” or “when i am nonverbal nonspeaking.”

but don’t be fooled into believe i only one. have many nonverbal/nonspeaking and/or higher support needs friends on tumblr, who talk about this who have been saying this for years. *years*. years before i joined. i am not creator, i only bring message here, because many of us are too high support needs too disabled to do anything else. many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because it most peaceful, because at least some listen, because least hostile, because need to defend our experience against our own community the least. (but it happens less doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, we still exhausted.) many of us only stay on our small corner of tumblr because that all we can handle, or because we not allowed or shouldn’t be on other social media because age or abilities or both.

i cannot handle conflict i do not do well and i shouldn’t be here. but if not me, who else? if i don’t do it, who else is going to?

some nonverbal nonspeaking people and parents of them may question, why you start debate about useless term when so many nonverbal nonspeaking people don’t even have access to communicate, real problems. to that i say i do those work too. and to that i say this is real problem too, because am autistic so online actually autistic community should also be my space too but it not. but it hostile. because am lonely because seeing yourself so crucial because don’t know anyone in person like me don’t have any friends in person like me, so i go online to find people like me and i cannot because no own term to search and what used to be term many people without similar experience insist they understand and can speak for me because they say we have similar experience. because this aloneness and the unique difficulty from being full time nonverbal and the struggle of future and the unique mistreatment from both outside but also inside community have drove me over edge many times and it is presence and knowing their presence of my tumblr nonverbal nonspeaking / higher support needs friends that gave me hope to stay. because so many people don’t listen and instead speak over. terminology only a symptom of problem. address roots, sure, but part of address roots is address symptoms.

‘well nonverbal people are never around” maybe it because you don’t make it welcome for us to join.

“fully nonverbal rare anyway” estimated 30% of us nonverbal nonspeaking, which this statistic probably only count those nonverbal since birth. even more are minimally speaking or without full functional communication, abilities limited to requests. sure, 30% still not majority. but significant amount never the less. speaking lower support needs autistic without intellectual disability not majority anyway too but your experience still deserve heard. ours too.

“see less nonverbal people because they don't have ability to communicate and use social media” yes, many nonverbal nonspeaking people not given access to communication (like AAC), forced to live in silence (because body language communication not enough alone!). silence from birth to teenage years, to adulthood, even until they die. some cannot understand social media or AAC because intellectual disability or cognitive ability. some not allowed on there because safety, some not allowed on because presumed incompetent and abused. all true. do you advocate for them too? or is it just talking point against me, pretend you care?

but not all of us, we exist. some of us thankfully supportive parents all along, parents given resources, us given resources, so we access to AAC since beginning. some of us became nonverbal later in life (which not same experience as those early in life, i acknowledge). some of us after years of forced silence, finally given access to AAC and can now communicate and advocate! some of us on social media - do you listen?

but you see none of us in your community anyway. maybe one token person.

you can go nonverbal. i cannot go verbal. see difference? you can come close to my experience, but i never will have (future) ability to go to yours.

it frustrate that have to specify am nonverbal **all the time** when write this, because if don’t do that will be assumed otherwise. frustrate that when in neurodivergent space stranger see me AAC they assume i can speak because they only know part time users (know part time users frustrate too because people assume they cannot speak and get surprised when they do. me being assumed automatic part time is not fault of part time AAC users.)

even been told am privileged to be nonverbal nonspeaking, privilege over speaking autistic who lose speech because in their mind it mean i get all support i need i get all recognition get all the representation. which. couldn’t be farther from truth.

all that. is fraction of reason i frustrate at “going nonverbal nonspeaking” and “when i was nonverbal nonspeaking.”

so many other words. lose speech. intermittent speech.

just want have own sub community where can find people similar experience.

[thehmn]

It might simply be that I don’t frequent ADHD forums enough but I haven’t seen a whole lot of talk about learned social withdrawal.

As a child I made friends left and right but as we all turned into self-conscious teenagers it slowly became more and more difficult for me. Plain and simple, other people thought I was weird. For some reason I never got bullied which I think is related to something my teachers kept telling my parents “She’s such a sweet, bright child and we can tell she’s not malicious or trying to be disruptive on purpose but we can’t teach her anything”

Basically people couldn’t figure me out. I had good social skills with both children and adults, I had a good moral compass, i felt compassion and empathy for others and was willing to go against my friends if I felt they were being bullies, I taught myself English and my drawings showed good observation skills. Because of all that it was decided I should start school a year sooner than most kids and my parents were very proud. Unfortunately that’s probably one of the main reasons why I was never diagnosed with raging ADHD as a child. People soon realized I didn’t do well in a school setting but assumed it was because I “wasn’t done playing” and my ADHD symptoms were interpreted as childishness.

So as I got older my classmates started to distance themselves from me. They were always kind and friendly but they didn’t know how to deal with me and ever since then people have always been worryingly comfortable with calling me weird to my face. I get the impression it’s because they think it’s a choice on my part. To them I’m clearly of “normal intelligence” so I must be acting like this on purpose and my parents would repeatedly tell me to “just act normal” as a child when I told them I was struggling to make friends. I tried so damn hard but kept failing. I knew something had to be different about me and when I first heard about ADHD I thought “That’s me! That’s how I feel!” but my parents said that was impossible because I wasn’t hyperactive.

Because nobody wanted to help me I eventually learned to just stop trying to make friends and keep to myself. I was so tired of being told by friendly, well-meaning people that I was so weird and quirky and unique only for them to distance themselves once they realized it was permanent and not something I could turn on and off for parties. I always enjoyed being alone so it wasn’t a huge loss but it did feel incredibly lonely at times.

Things got a lot better when I became an adult, mostly because adults are generally more chill than teens so my ADHD behavior isn’t as embarrassing to them and ironically they’re often surprised to learn I don’t make friends easily. Unfortunately I learned to be withdrawn in my formative years so new friends are still a rarity. Before I really sat down and put my past into context I even started to wonder if I had autism despite not connecting with anything autistic people said about their experiences. I went as far as to be tested but wasn’t surprised when the diagnosis was negative because of course it was, I kinda already knew that. I was just looking for an explanation.

So while there can be overlap between ADHD and autism (I have just such a friend) my experience is also that oftentimes people with ADHD simply learn to stay away from social situations and entertain ourselves which ends up looking like autism to outsiders.

[diangelodork]

time for my nightly psychoanalysis of dbda!

tonight’s topic is payneland after charles’ (justified) outburst with the night nurse.

what always gets me about this scene is that niko and crystal were terrified. they looked so scared of him in this moment because they’ve never seen this side of charles. no one has.

the girls keep their distance as he backs her over the ledge. they curl up in on themselves and their body language indicates so much fear.

edwin, on the other hand, has known charles for decades and has NEVER seen him get like this. but he’s not scared.

he’s surprised at first, but he starts following them toward the ledge (albeit from afar). he’s not afraid of him. he’s worried for him. what on earth could’ve gotten charles to act this way?

he’s the first to speak after charles pushes her in. he says it was extreme, but i don’t think he meant the fact that he pushed her off, i think he means the emotional reaction that overtook him here. i think he’s moreso saying that charles reacted as though felt something far more intense than edwin anticipated, similarly to his shock when he finds that his emotional reaction to the devlin house was enough to get him stuck in the loop. i don’t think edwin has any doubts about the length this boy would go to protect him, so i don’t think he’s surprised at what he did to ensure that they wouldn’t be separated, he’s just worried as to what got him so viscerally upset.

charles then breaks down and, in his outburst, he says that he hates being dead.

i think edwin is deeply, deeply hurt by this.

there is literally no other way for edwin and charles to have ever met other than in death. they were born 73 years apart from each other and edwin died 57 years before he was born. if charles didn’t die, they never would’ve known each other.

further than that, though, i think he’s hurt that he didn’t do the job he appointed to himself.

edwin tells tck earlier in that same episode that he’s doing as many good deeds he can in case he is sent back to hell and can make his case for leniency. edwin went back to st. hilarions immediately after escaping hell. i think he already had that idea and that plan in his mind.

i think charles was supposed to be his first “case.”

i don’t think he actively thinks this way anymore, but there is a residual part of him that feels like it was his job to keep him peaceful as he passed (partially for the purpose of saying he did a good deed, and partially because he saw a sad, cold boy being bullied relentlessly just as he was and wants to help him in any way he can, even if it’s just a simple gesture to keep him comfortable as he takes his last breaths in what would normally be an excruciatingly painful moment as he’s dying of literal internal bleeding and hypothermia) and i think it hits hard because he feels like he failed.

i think he’s somewhat similar to charles, in that regard. charles feels like he failed when he’s unable to keep edwin safe, and i think edwin feels like he failed charles here.

that’s why it’s so desperate and sad when charles jolts away. especially if you realize that edwin likely had a very hard time without touch coming out of hell. centuries of torture and the last touches he got before that was when simon and his goons kidnapped him and strapped him down to a table as a human sacrifice. i��d say he probably had a hard time before that because he’s def autism coded and we tend to have sensory difficulties and his lack of desire to be touched most of the time leads me to believe that may have been something he experienced in his life.

i think it took a lot of work to get edwin to where he is with touching charles today and this feels like a rejection (me when i relate to edwin and im autistic and touch sensitive and have rejection sensitive dysphoria lol maybe im js projecting).

i think that’s what makes their conversation the next morning (beginning of E5 where charles tells edwin that he and crystal kissed) so important. edwin says something and it’s played off as a bit of a joke, but i think it’s a bit more heartfelt than that.

“it makes sense. given that you said you HATE being dead. of course you fell for a living girl.”

it’s not just snarky edwin there. it’s hurting edwin. in this moment he’s saying “you hate being dead, but we never would’ve met any other way. of course you wouldn’t love me. i’m just a constant reminder that you’re dead.”

that’s also why charles’ response matters so much to me. he says “when i was on that cliff, i was angry. right, do i sometimes wish that i got to grow up? sure. but if it had to be this way, i wouldn’t want to be dead with anyone else, would i?”

i think this eases edwin’s mind so much because i doubt that he wasn’t riddled with anxiety wondering if charles had a deep rooted feeling of resentment towards him that he hadn’t discovered yet. edwin is more anxious that we give him credit for. he’s incredibly brave, but the idea of charles being upset with him? hating him? it would crush him. that is the most important person to him. that’s his first and only love, but more than that, it’s his best friend.

i’ll bet you that his mind was filled, even for the time that it took between end of episode 4 to beginning of 5, with thoughts of “what if he hates me? what if one day he’ll realise he hates me? what if i’m not enough? what if he’ll leave me?” which is, of course, preposterous because charles loves edwin more than anyone has ever loved anyone else.

but he’s using charles’ tactic of joking through the pain in this moment.

and charles sees right through it because he knows that feeling better than anyone.