#autism related purposes

[bucketboat]

I’m learning Scottish Gaelic! I’m gonna try to include that + Ukrainian into my works more often. For practise & whatnot

Language is so fun I love learning languages. I’m planning on doing the Irish one next, Swedish if I get around to it

[ominous-feychild]

Guys I literally JUST realized a thing about my autism/masking/alexithymia. I noticed there was an alexithymia tag here on tumblr and when I investigated, there was this one post listing these symptoms:

and I just--

I've had these exact, MAJOR struggles through my whole life for one.

But for two, and what's really interesting in my opinion...

Yesterday, I was having a video call with my mom. I've been off of some medications that I'm supposed to be taking because of financial issues, so my mental is NOT in a great place and I've had NO spoons for the past month. But while on call with her, she seriously, unironically, asked me if I thought I really needed the meds. Because, apparently, I "wasn't acting like I needed them" or something like that. And I'm sure I don't need to explain why that pissed me tf off.

But, like... at the time, the closest thing I could come up with for an answer was that "I have no spoons and no energy to do anything"; "I lived 17 years without meds, I kind-of know how to fake it"; and "I haven't had much socializing lately, so I have enough Social Energy™ to fake being okay right now."

Now that I'm not being put on the spot and after reading that post, I'm slowly figuring out that I've always done this. I mean, I've obviously always struggled to describe my own emotions and need to analyze my physical reactions to figure them out, but like. I'm just now starting to realize that I've really struggled to describe exactly how I'm "feeling bad" or, in fact, that I am feeling bad at all.

I mean, again, considering the alexithymia, that last part is a given. But it's kinda putting into perspective exactly how I've always had to understand "I don't have the energy to do anything" or "it's incredibly difficult to do anything" or "something deep inside of me feels Wrong™ and I can neither address nor identify it". I'd just passively have those "feelings" and struggle to continue life despite them.

It brings back thoughts of my struggles with masking, and how I was never diagnosed with autism as a child. Looking back, it should've been incredibly obvious. I had SO many of the tell-tale signs. But I guess it wasn't today, and there wasn't anywhere near as much awareness of what those signs were... but really. Textbook.

I'm sure my masking made it more difficult to recognize the signs as I got older. Hell, I even read over different "autism diagnosis checklist"s countless times, thinking to myself "oh wow it's a lot like me!... exceeeeeptttt--" and moved on from there.

I keep digressing. My point is, since discovering my autism and how it was hidden by masking, I've always wondered where my mask ends and where I begin. Most of the time, I feel like I feel nothing, even when I'm not depressed. I've been told I don't show my emotions, like when I'm happy (aka my chest is light and I feel free). That, or people can't tell when I like/dislike them (though that's partially a trauma thing). Other times, I've been told I'm smiling when I didn't even realize I was happy, much less that I was actually smiling. Some people have told me I'm incredibly easy to read, that my emotions show very clearly. But how can they when I feel like I feel nothing?

Which leads me back to what I said earlier, my conversation with my mother. How she asked if I actually need my meds because "I don't seem like I do". I guess I kind-of understand now, why she might've seen it that way. Do most people always show signs of how they actually feel? And how does the fact that I "don't feel" effect what I show?

I've wondered about that for a while. How much of how I act is because I was trained to, one way or another? How much of the emotion I show is because I learned to? Do I even show the emotions I feel? I really can't know because the people I know irl, who would better be able to tell me how I act, aren't understanding of any of these things. My older sister is lowkey ableist and thinks she sees the grand plan of the universe, my mother is too "pull yourself up by the bootstraps!!!" to accept Spoon Theory or mental health struggles, and just about everyone else in my life comes and goes as quickly as the wind.

Anyhow, this was a long rant that I've kinda had half-formed thoughts about for a while. Thanks for reading, hopefully this can help or entertain whoever stumbles upon this?

[c-kiddo]

to me, caduceus multiple times stating how exhausted and tired he is to tmn (including in response to being asked a question.. just too tired to think about it anymore) is spoonie evidence . yes he kept going with tmn on adrenalin and wanting to help them but he was saying it even more at the end of th campaign and he really should get to lay down more . otherwise i think he is dizzy and brainfoggy and has a wonky heart-rate

[sunkern-plus]

Actually shout-out to any adult who, for whatever reason, can't live on their own at all without someone living with them or even periodically checking in on them without killing themselves, whether accidentally (via impulsivity or trouble judging situations) or on purpose (via suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts, impulsivity, what have you). People like you are real, mature adults even if people judge you as immature for neurodivergent traits, and people in fandoms should stop using people like you as punchlines, both in the "joking about people with exact traits as you" sense or "omggggg they're such a gremlin/trash goblin/failure <3" sense (bc "girlfailure" traits are unfortunately sometimes used as neurodivergency jokes lmao). You people are the real ones

[autisticlee]

trying my best to to act "normal" and "practice" social skills by doing small talk and trying to make people talk about themselves by "not making it all about myself" and asking them questions and putting spotlight on them all that stuffs. specifically on the bumble friends app but also some discord servers.

I know you're technically supposed to ask people questions when get to know them, let them answer and don't answer your own question, and not do the back and forth say related things about yourselves without being asked way like I prefer. but trying to think of questions, then how to respond to their answer without automatically "and here's related fact about me" is so hard and exhausting!!!!! is not that I want to make it about me. is that I can only talk about things I know or let conversation end completely. if I respond about me then "it's all about me" but can't think of enough responses and questions when other person doesnt give much response back and doesnt ask questions. especially when their answers are too plain and boring like less than 5 words. no extra info to learn anything about them or be able to continue conversation. no idea for more questions.

example: what kind of arts and crafts do you enjoy most? what do you like to make? tell me all about your arts! "I crochet clothes" oh cool i've crochets a few things....(right it's not supposed to be ~all about me~) uh favorite clothing to crochet? "shirts. sometimes hats" oh uh.....how's...the weather....???????????? I don't know 🥲

I can't do this small talk thing. it feels so forced and unnatural. genuinely don't know how, don't know what to do. how many questions need asked? what questions are allowed? how to respond to their answer? especially when answer is super short? when is appropriate to talk about things I know and like? does only one person ask question? do I lead everything? why is this interrogation about them? are they uncomfortable? am I asking roght questions? what questions they want me to ask? what thing do they want to talk about? why I not feel like i'm getting to know them at all? when does small talk end? don't know anything! everyone else knows the rules and expect me to know but no one teaches me! and trying to use internet to learn isn't helping because I still don't get it! and too many rules to follow it gets boring and exhausting and frustrating and confusing. especially if I follow the rules and they do not. like they're supposed to ask questions back but they don't. what do then? keep asking questions? talk about something I like? idk

I prefer get to know someone over time naturally through talking about shared interests and doing activities or sharing back and forth what we are comfortable sharing without needing think of questions and feel like we pry into each other's lives. seems easier but is not allowed in the rules. need to follow the rules, but not all things are listed in small talk tutorial posts/videos. like needing know right question to ask, what's appropriate and not too invasive, know what questions they want to answer and what thing talk about, how to respond correctly and how to keep going when you get barely any response back, how to know what is too much to say and what is good amount, etc. because small talk seems all about mind reading or guessing correctly and i always fail.

doesn't feel like I get to know anyone from it. examples I see have the people both responding with many words and questions. answers I get are plain and superficial amd short. I get bored because it feels like I do all the work. i'm expected to ask questions but they don't ask back. they barely give response. but if I add anecdote about myself then i risk it's "all about me" and they never open up enough to get to know them more. is easier to get to know people when doing shared activities to feel their natural vibe and energy or get them talking without needing prompted. but small talk doesn't do that and keeps a barrier and I can't figure out a way around it so it always ends there if i'm the one that is designated leader. I know i can't lead. dont want to. confused and bored. so give up on the conversation. therefore no new friends. only wasted energy and spoons and now too tired and burnt out to try again for a few weeks. sighs. how people do this naturally and it works?! don't understand!

[mirrorthoughts]

Ngh... I thought I found a book in German to give to my parents to explain Audhd/AD(H)D and Autism (you don't know how hard it is to actually find German books or at least German translations about that topic... especially ones that aren't 5+ years old).

The first few chapters in the ADHD part were great, just one word kinda rubbed me wrong: The author described ADHD as an "illness".

A few chapters in and now we're at a full blown "five weeks to success - declaring war on [your] ADHD".

It's just... what she writes isn't wrong, but the way she portraits it is as if you have cancer or something and you just have to keep staying strong, work on yourself and get treatment and soon you will be normal again!

That's my brain, m'am! Not a tumor!

It's just giving me the heebie jeebies reading through this. Even if she, as I said, doesn't actually say wrong things as far as I can tell. Just the whole framing is off...

(I'll still read through this and there are a few tips I want to try out but I'm definitely not going to give that book to my parents thank you very much...)

[fluffydice]

And the truth of it all is I watch House MD primarily for the actual medical work they do

[weareuniqueandimportant]

SCARY... THIS HAPPENED 2 TIMES...

[transmasc-wizard]

throwing myself at the foot of a therapist's chair saying Please pretty please explain to me what these symptoms are caused by

[mudstoneabyss]

murals are molting and the happy children's happy faces are streaked with gashes revealing meat huh

[revvywevvy]

You like incredibly misunderstood characters. Do you relate to that by any chance? /light hearted

y. yeah. SDGHSDGHSDGHDSHS

[blueish-bird]

burnout is sapping my hyperfixation of creative energy, but not to worry! I’m still thinking about Aki and Angel an incredibly abnormal amount

[hesitantvampirealien]

i think i'm calm now from this weird anger thing i have so often for whatever reason(???), but it's still a bit saddening and upsetting. Living with a disability is annoying man, it's sad that it'll be the last thing people will ever consider as if disability was something absurd and they'll see a vent you make when you go through difficulties and think it's some type of attack or offense. But i know what i went through, i know myself and i know my daily efforts and my history, i know how goddamn hard i fought to be where i am now and to earn everything i have earned, how much i worked to buy my own computer so i can work more professionally and grow as a person and as an artist. I get to vent about my difficulties because i spent 20 years without having any space in my own life to vent about obstacles i face every day to this day and i will continue to vent while growing stronger. No one also thinks about the possibility that small annoying things being repeated over and over become a bigger stress problem.

anyway. Enough gaslighting gatekeeping girlbossing I'm gonna finish the hot chimp drawing that i was making while talking here until i calmed down

[jarognieva]

I need to vent

[tofixtheshadows]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

[weareuniqueandimportant]

EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU'RE CLOSER TO YOURSELF... THAT IS THOSE IN POWER THE VILLAINS THAT PRETEND TO CARE THAT DISLIKE YOU ONLY FURTHER... THEY COULDN'T CONTROL YOU LIKE THE OTHERS... THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE PUNISHED FOR... PUNISHMENT MOST EVIL BEING STORED FOR THE MOST TRAUMATIZED... HELP ONLY A GASSLIGHT TO JUSTIFY WITH THE ABUSE ALL THOSE PEOPLE FACED... NOBODY DEEP IN THE ABYSS EVER NEEDED TO BE SAVED OR CHANGED. THE UNBIGOT THEY ONLY NEEDED TO BE ACCEPTED... EVERYTHING THEY HAVE DONE SEEN FROM THEIR VIEW AND ACCEPTED AS ABSOLUTE... NO PERSON IS JUSTIFIED TO BE TAKEN AWAY... THERE... THOSE OF POWER WHEN THEIR FAVORITE MACHINES THE POLICE THEY'RE ALL THE SAME... THEIR ABSOLUTE POWER TOO MUCH TO BE TAKEN AWAY... AS THEY GUIDE JUDGEMENT ON THOSE DEEMED DANGEROUS TO THEIR CAPITALISM... THEIR MACHINES BLIND JUSTIFYING AND REPEATING THEIR LAW... MACHINES BLIND THAT WILL NEVER BREAK FREE... ABANDONED POOR PEOPLE... THAT WILL NEVER HAVE SUPPORT OF ANY KIND. SUPPORT ONLY A WAY TO GASSLIGHT ALL ABUSE ON THEM IS WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE JUSTIFIED...