#at this point I am working completely without a pattern the instructions basically go - just follow your heart!!!

[curiosityschild]

I'm at the "add finishing details" stage of my project and goddddd is that an energy vampire for me. Like it looks great I'm excited it's going well but I add two little things and then have to go take a nap about it. I was going to finish this part tonight. It's literally fifteen more minutes of work. But I have completely exhausted my decision making capabilities for the day. I literally can't even right now.

[mbti-notes]

INFJ. Processing past Fe failures. Want to get better at socializing / having deeper relationships/friendships. Muddling through Ti development - desiring to get better at self-awareness + communication. A lot in my brain and it'd be a lot to share the entirety of recent exchanges that have ended up in failed relationships, so I'll try asking this and hope it's enough to get critical thinking help from you, thank you much in advance. (1/2)

[con't: I notice a pattern of me trying to communicate and express myself to be understand by, or be emotionally met by Fi users, and them responding by saying things like "I don't know what you want from me", "I don't know how to help you," "I'm sorry you feel that way" or them even saying variations of "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" (ENTJ) if I express that I feel dismissed, uncomfortable, or disrespected.

This isn't ALL Fi users thank God & I'm in therapy now to address my downplaying of my emotional needs, being willing to work through anything even though the romantic relationships I'm attracting are woefully incompatible or unhealthy. But I want to get better at doing my part to increase the chance of relationships building. What am I doing/expecting/judging in my communication with Fi users so they respond that way or has me feeling being unseen/misunderstood? Is it the basic INFJ recs?]

You point to Fi specifically. Fi doesn't require outside validation, so perhaps what you're encountering is their lack of concept of outside validation, in the manner that you're seeking it with Fe.

All of those example statements sound like they could be taken sincerely. "I don't know what you want from me" could be an opportunity for you to better explain what you need/want. "I don't know how to help you" could be an opportunity for you to provide better instructions. "I'm sorry you feel that way" could be a helpless admission that the two of you don't see things the same way. "Maybe you're not used to my communication style" could be an indication that there is a need to investigate the big gap between what was perceived and what was actually intended.

Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye with you, not everyone is going to agree with your version of events, not everyone is going to care about your needs and feelings enough to address them kindly and patiently. This should all be okay with you unless you were walking around expecting everyone out there to have the capacity to meet you emotionally or validate your emotions (unhealthy Fe)? That's simply not gonna happen, so it's an unreasonable expectation. That's why it's so important that YOU be the first to take care of yourself and own your emotions, set proper personal boundaries, and navigate interpersonal boundaries more gracefully.

If you feel someone has violated your boundary (i.e. you feel hurt by them), the answer isn't to violate theirs in return. You're trying to fix a problem in the relationship, so further damaging the relationship isn't going to help. Whether you are right to feel hurt is not the main issue. Feelings themselves are always true and tell you something true about you. However, what you DO about the feelings isn't always right. There are two main ways people deal with negative feelings: 1) bottle them up, which amounts to self-harm, or 2) express them, which opens up the possibility of doing harm to others, if they don't have the means to process your feelings. Neither way is ideal.

If your main approach is to expect people to change (when they can't or don't want to), expect them to give you more than they are capable of giving (due to not having the means or resources), expect them to understand something that they are not really capable of understanding (when they just don't think in the same way as you), etc, your expectations are easily perceived as "demands". You're essentially pressuring people to be what you want them to be, which amounts to dishonoring them and violating their boundary. This approach is usually met with submission or resistance. If they submit to you (because they care for you), they will be unhappy for having allowed you to violate their boundary, and the problem will recur because it was only swept under the rug. If they resist you, conflict ensues, and the relationship bond will be tested and possibly threatened, especially if the conflict recurs without resolution.

There is a way to honor your feelings while also honoring others' feelings. It requires you to have good emotional intelligence and be a good communicator. Good emotional intelligence means respecting your feelings and taking full responsibility for them. Instead of seeing yourself as the victim (i.e. "you made me feel this way"), you see yourself as an agent with the power to decide what is best (i.e. "I feel this way and this is what I should do about it"). Positioning yourself as a passive or helpless victim means that you cast blame and eventually demand reparations. Positioning yourself as an active and influential agent means that you survey the situation objectively and then try to act in the best interests of everyone involved. This is what healthy and confident Fe should look like.

For example, when you feel dismissed, maybe you bottle it up for awhile, until you can't take it anymore (because the problem remains unaddressed). Then you confront people and say, "I feel dismissed". This implies that the other person has done something bad to you. You are the victim, which puts them on the spot, feeling like the bad guy, and then they can't hear you, due to becoming too preoccupied with not wanting to be the bad guy. Communication is likely to stall there, unless they have the wherewithal (emotional intelligence) to keep their focus on you and your concerns.

Instead, you could say to yourself, "I feel dismissed". You take full responsibility for your feelings and validate them for yourself. When you are good at validating your own feelings and emotions (something you admit you really struggle with), you'll eventually find that you won't need to rely on others to do it for you.

What does it mean to feel dismissed? It means that you believe you're not being taken seriously, or something to that effect. Not very difficult to understand. What to do about it? The feeling of disharmony is a message to you that you have to do more to advocate for yourself and make space for yourself within the relationship/group (it is good Fe advice). There are many ways to advocate for yourself without stepping on others. If you choose the right way, in terms of honoring everyone involved, the feeling of being dismissed will dissipate naturally. If you choose the wrong way, in terms of honoring yourself but dishonoring others, you'll encounter the problem again, because you haven't addressed the underlying problem of you positioning yourself as the victim in every relationship conflict. Chronic victim mentality is often an indication that you depend too much on outside validation of your self-worth.

Unless you are stuck in a very toxic social environment, the majority of people are not malicious for no reason. Before accusing or blaming, are you absolutely certain that they INTENDED to dismiss you? If not, wouldn't it be wise to gather more info? For instance, you could ask something like, "Have you had the time to give my idea serious consideration?" No blaming, no battling, no victim-victimizer dynamic. Do you understand how communicating without blame, through genuine inquiry, avoids trapping the both of you in a vicious cycle of seeking emotional reparations? You give people the benefit of the doubt. You give people the chance to clarify or explain. You give yourself the chance to grasp the FULL picture so that you can make a more informed decision about what to do (based on their response to your question). But this presence of mind isn't possible when you can't accept your feelings/emotions and they run wild as a result.

One common misapplication of Ti is the tendency to jump to illogical conclusions or make up illogical stories about what is motivating people's negative behavior, all the while believing that you're being completely logical. It's a destructive way to deal with negative or disharmonious feelings. Once the false narrative infects your mind, you can't help but perceive the person as attacking you, even when they're not. This misuse of Ti is a major impediment to relationship building.

The problem with victim mentality is that you are hyperfocused on your perspective only, so you only have half the picture, which means making ill-informed decisions. If you are prone to Ti loop, you need to get to the bottom of why you're so quick to position yourself in the passive position of victim. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership based on trust, which means that you should always try to 1) give people the benefit of the doubt, and 2) gather the facts of the situation before drawing a conclusion about what they intended or what kind of character they are.

If the fact of the matter is that the person really doesn't care about your feelings, then you know not to seek validation from them, and perhaps distance from them for your own good. Don't play around in toxic or abusive relationships. If the fact of the matter is that your perception of the situation doesn't match up with what they intended to say/do, then it's up to you to straighten out the situation in your mind before proceeding.

Trust your feelings, validate your feelings, but don't act blindly on them (i.e. without fully grasping what's happening with the other person). Figure out why exactly you're feeling what you're feeling, then take it up with the person in a way that addresses the root of the problem and in a way that doesn't immediately put them on the defensive. Conflict is sometimes unavoidable, but being more skilled at communicating your concerns will certainly reduce the amount of pain required to reach a resolution.

[doctorbeth]

Stripes the 50 year old tiger

This will be a longer post, because it’s all about the details, and there was a lot of going back and forth with photos and emails to get Stripes and his stripes just right.  So be sure you’re comfy when you sit down to read it. :-)

***************

Stripes person first wrote to me back in December about her tiger, Stripes, and his companion RedEye the snake.  Both were starting to feel their age, but as she said,

“ As you can see Stripes is in the most need of repairs. Personally, I’m guessing that a full recovering is needed, but I’m certainly no expert and will follow your advice.  Here are some pics which show Stripes fur disappearing and soon he will be bald.  Amazingly he has no damage that I can find. His ears need some stuffing, but they have never been tall, firm standing Teddy Bear ears.”

Here are the diagnosis photos she sent:

As you can see, his belly section was pretty good, but his furry parts were wearing and fading.  His person really wanted his fur recovered, in an orangier rather than tanner fur, and she opted for him to have a spa too.

Here he is in his bubble bath:

Once he was dry, he got restuffed and of course, got a heart with a bit of his original stuffing.  Here’s his heart being made:

Then it was time to choose furs.  As some of you know who’ve been reading for a while, usually with tigers we use a solid fur of the preferred background color, then add the stripes by hand afterwards.  Here were the best fur options:

His person opted for the orangier, furrier one.

Stripes got recovered, and some smaller wounds on his belly were sewn.  Then, it was time for hand striping.  I did some basic  striping, and then sent photos for feedback:

His person’s first response was:

Beth, you’ve made me cry at work.  I’m absolutely over the moon with Stripes new look!!!  Holy cats he’s looking beautiful!!  You are AMAZING!

But I was asking for striping feedback, and she happily provided it:

The stripes.  Thank you for being so conservative. :) I would like to add some more stripes. I’ve included an updated pic that shows where I would like some stripes added.

Tail:   Could you put 2 stripes in a ring pattern around the tail? They continue the black spots you started. I also noticed with other Gund tigers that the ring was painted at a slight angle or sprayed as 2 “halves”, not a straight ring that looked like a raccoon’s tail. (pics)  I know that there was more black at the tip of the tail, but I don’t think the whole tip was black.

Back Leg:   I’ve continued your 3 spots into stripes.

Body:  I’ve added 2 stripes, but if you will notice stripe #2 is in the shape of a ‘V”. (I remember this detail as a child)  The stripes do NOT have to line up with the fabric underneath.  They didn’t before.  :D

Face: I’ve added a short stripe above Stripes’ right eye. This detail always gave him a slight serious look without being mean. (not a lot of slant to the line, if any) I have always loved this detail about him.  And I’ve elongated the stripe on his forhead.

Beth, I’m pretty sure we will be adding some more stripes to the back, especially his head but I thought we might tackle this bit first.

She closed with:

Again, I just absolutely can’t thank you enough for your beautiful and loving work on my best friend. I have been showing people the before and after pics for the last 5 hours.  I’m so happy!!!

So back to drawing stripes on Stripes I went.  Here are the next batch of photos:

Stripes person was thrilled:

Stripes looks spectacular!!  I mean he is just awesome with the stripes that you’ve filled out.

She wanted just one more stripe.  She sent a photo, but it was in another format, so I won’t put it here, but she also described what she wanted very well:

So I just have 1 more stripe for you.  If you look at my pic, you will see that I’ve drawn a line over the small black dot that is on his forehead.  In the last pic you sent me you can still see that it’s just a spot and not a stripe.  Could you lengthen that spot into a stripe for me?

Please note the position. When you are seated facing Stripes, this stripe includes/starts at the black spot and runs towards the right.  You have a pretty stripe that’s higher on the head already placed on the left so this one goes off to the right and is the same length as that one.

Adjustment made, I sent another photo (you can see the printout with her line instruction next to him):

Her response:

Perfection Achieved!  I’m so so happy!!!!   How many exclamation points can I put in an email to show you how perfect Stripes is!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Stripes got packed up and headed home to a grateful human and snake.  Here he is at home with his pal, RedEye:

His person was soooo happy!  She wrote a very long thank you, with a history of Stripes and RedEye, and I don’t want to edit it, so I’m copying it entirely here for you to read.  But you can skip it if you want and just know she was happy!

Hi Beth,

Sit back and relax.  This may be a little bit of a long happy read.  :D   Please feel free to use any content or pics from my emails for your blog.

I waited anxiously for Stripes to arrive.  Yes, my husband signed for the box and I couldn’t wait to get home!

And so the moment has arrived.  I brought Stripes best friend Redeye in from the bedroom to help me open the package. We open,  I close my eyes dig in past the packing peanuts and pull out our best friend.  Oh My Goodness!  He is beautiful! bright! and colorful! He practically glows! I see his face. Yes, yes! It’s Stripes!  I see the same face I’ve gazed into and loved for 50 years. And that’s when the tears start. Crying, mouth open in shock but my husband says he’s never seen me happier.  ..After many long years, I can finally cuddle my friend again.

Beth you have given me back something I thought I would never have again.  I love Stripes so, but I couldn’t, didn’t dare to pet him or cuddle him. I had to be so gentle, so afraid that I was doing more damage to him. But now all that is over!  I can sleep with my buddy by my side. I can take him on vacations again!  I’m tearing up just writing this.  I can’t express my joy…absolute joy over the work you have done. Stripes looks like a beautiful and bright toy again.  Thank you Beth.  Thank you so very much.

…And I’ll be sending Redeye to you some time in February.  I’ll be sure to email you first to start the process.

And here’s a little history about Stripes.  Stripes was a Christmas present in 1969. I have always loved tigers and I was in deep love the moment I saw him. He has enjoyed play tea parties with me, and watched drive-in movies sitting in the back window. He has looked over the candy hauls that I collected during Halloween and been in a beautiful oak tree during the crisp dry autumn. (Carefully placed on a towel, but he needed to experience a tree. He is a tiger after all.)   He has been with me in Japan for a year and traveled all over the US northwest  looking out of a train window. And he has done all these things with Redeye by his side.

--But let’s face the facts, in the last few years my friend was disappearing before my eyes. There was good fortune that his seams were okay but the fur was coming off. His stripes were completely gone in areas. He was looking more yellow everywhere. And I dared only to pat him. That’s when I began to search for help to restore my friend and so I found Realms of Gold on the internet.

Beth has been wonderful, corresponding with emails and working out details by sending pictures back and forth. She listened to my input and was absolutely amazing at applying the stripes in the right places. We actually discussed exactly where to put them.  :D  I trust Beth’s skills so much that I will be sending Stripes best friend Redeye along soon.  He was amazed and so happy with Stripes look, that he can’t wait to go to Realms of Gold!

Okay Beth, this may be a little serious but I wanted to express my honest feelings, and let you know why this has been so important to me.

With my 2 stuffed animals loosing hair and looking tired a sobering thought occurred to me. If something happened to me, what would happen to them? We have no children to give them to. We can’t donate them because being so worn out, no one would take them. And the thought that they might end up in a garbage bin was too much. Of course for me, my goal was to pet, play and enjoy them again.  That goes without saying.  But now, seeing Stripes beautiful bright colors, I am happy and secure in knowing that years from now, I can donate or will him to a children’s home where he will continue to be loved. (I have several friends who grew up in orphanages and we think it’s a wonderful idea.)

Thank you so much Beth!!!!!!

I don’t know about all of you, but that made me smile all day. :-)

[some-dr-writings]

Izuru, Hajime, and Kirumi x SHSL Military General

Izuru Kamukura:

·       Boring. That was what he had thought of you at first. You had no new talent he didn’t… and yet, despite your fearsome rumors, it seemed all those under your command adored you. He already knew it was not the cliché case of ‘oh you just need to get to know them’ nor you were secretly going about your work in a cult like fashion. No, there was something else, and he decided to snuff it out.

·       “It’s been several days now. If you wish something of me you need but speak, or at the least walk by my side. How much longer do you plan on tailing me?” You stopped in your tracks, turning around to face the man who was but a few paces behind. Both your expressions perfectly stoic, blank. “As long as it takes to find out why everyone loves you. That was my initial objective. But you’re boring. You’re nurturing. Your tone alone is enough to compel others to follow your lead, to not disappoint you out of respect. Now… I want to know why you’re different from me.” You needed but a glance to find your answer. “The difference… I thought a being exactly akin to myself, a person made to be a weapon would already know that.” You walked a few paces, stopping right before him. It was as if he were a statue, not moving at all as you cupped your hand on his cheek, the smallest, softest, kindest of smiles pulling at the corners of your lips. “Good luck old friend. Even with a luck talent you’ll need it.” You then walked away, Izuru following just a few paces behind.

·       “Come now. If you’re going to stick around, work out with me. Surely, you’ve figured out by now that simply observing me, you’ll not get the answers you’re seeking.” Still, Izuru simply stood beside you as you were finishing your pushups atop that mountain with the sky just barely starting to show the signs of a new day beginning. “Why do you speak with me casually, unlike all others? You don’t even speak this way with those you call friends.” “I simply find it natural to speak this way with one so harmless. Just as I find it natural to speak with others in a more formal tone.” “… Harmless.” Hopping up from your pushups you began your climb back down the treacherous mountain. “You find Komaeda to be a weapon of mass destruction, and me, harmless? That’s incomprehensible.” “To you, perhaps.” You kept going for a few moments before deciding to give him some extra help. “You’re an innocent child, myself before I became who I am now, before I rejected the idiotic notion of a weapon being more powerful than man.”

·       He pondered over that brief conversation for a long time. Man being more powerful than a weapon. He knew you were not speaking of how man creates weapons and are the ones who use them, so…

·       “Oh! Hey, Y/N! So, your sidekick finally decided to join us!” The first day Izuru had begun to follow you, you stopped him when going for those nightly training sessions saying he would either participate or go away because you were not going to allow any bystanders. All nights after he’d disappear at some point as you made your way to meet up with Kaito and the others. But he stayed by your side that night, training with the others, giving you and Maki a run for your money when it came to endurance in these exercises.

·       “You’re making everyone uncomfortable just standing in the corner. Come play with us.” Izuru did as told and joined the card game you were playing with your classmates.

·       “Izuru, teach them how to set up the stall, while I take care of matters here.” He helped out your class set up for the school festival.

·       “Huh…” Truthfully you were half expecting Izuru to show up to the beach his usual suit and not swim trunks, let alone playing volleyball with the others already.

·       The others had already left back for school, the field trip long done, but you stayed behind to fit in some of your own exercises… Izuru did as well. “So, finally out of your emotionless emo phase, or are you still insisting everything is boring?” “… I thought by copying you I’d find why we’re different.” “And have you?” “…” He actually thought about it for a moment an answer not immediately puzzled out in his mind. “I’m still gathering information.” “I see.” Seems he was growing up faster than you did, then again you didn’t have anyone to help guide you.

·       For a long time you continued your stretches. “I must admit though, I thought it’d take longer before you’d take this first step.” You stopped, beginning to jog in place, slowly picking up your pace. “This world, with how awful it is, I still find it boring myself at times. But that’s not the good part of it all. Being alive. I’m anticipating to see what you’ll find in people. For me, it’s not a certain aspect of them, but everything. True, humans are creatures of patterns, but focusing on the individual… seeing them as people and not objects, or weapons, or patterns… seeing what they actually are…Connecting… that’s my answer at least, why I gave up being you, a husk intended to be a weapon. Humans no matter how they try, can’t be anything other than human. A human being… strange and funny creatures I find us to be at least.” You placed a hand on his shoulder, lightly chuckling to yourself. “Be sure to tell me when you find your answer. I’m sure someone skilled in more than war will find something I could never hope too, and that sounds exciting to me. But for now, back to training.”

·       Then you dashed away, down the shore, to that brilliantly bright sunset.

·       And he ran. He didn’t even think about it. He was still unsure of what he was doing or what exactly he was searching for, but… something inside him was calling out to you, he just knew he needed to be with you. So he was going to keep chasing after you and perhaps one day, he’d figure it out and finally walk beside you.

    Hajime Hinata:

·       To Hajime, each and every last person who manage to be invited to the academy was an amazing person. How else could they be described? They were individuals who all had already changed the word in some way or another, but there was one individual who arguably made the largest impact to the world, more than any present or past student, the Super High School Level Military General. Nothing of their personage was known, a complete mystery, not even their name. They were solely known for their accomplishments, a child, seemingly appearing out of nowhere quickly rose up through the ranks, becoming a general, and swiftly putting an end to any war they touched. Wars still appeared, but not long and they’d appear putting it to an end with little life being lost, most countries began fighting in less direct ways because of this. What else could they do? The fighting did stop, but not the conflicts that were the root of them. Still, putting an end to so much fighting so quickly was unimaginable to most. Some say their appearance only made conflict worse, some say they saved the world. No matter what one thought, it was undeniable the Super High School Military General left an unmistakable impact that had forever changed the world.

·       And such an amazing person, was the very first friend he had made at the academy, despite him just being a reserve course student.

·       He didn’t even know who they were at first. The school year hadn’t technically started yet, but students were allowed on campus to move their belongings into their dorm rooms and such and that was exactly what Hajime was doing. He didn’t have much, so he was finished quickly and decided to just walk around for a bit. He found himself just looking at the main building off in the distance. So close, yet so far away, just barely out of reach seemingly when he knew deep down, he truly was nowhere close. Then suddenly he spotted something. Not far, just within reach.

·       “Is the vending machine jammed?” “Not as far as I know.” Hajime looked to the machine in confusion, not noticing anything off with it, so why were you just standing before it? “What do you recommend?” Though you hadn’t done much something about how you looked to him, how your voice seemed to resonate in him, he was taken aback for a moment before collecting himself, quickly looking over the options. “Well… I like the orange ramune.” He pointed to it, showing exactly where it was. Not saying a word you placed in some yen and pressed the button for it. How you carried yourself mesmerized him. He couldn’t quite place his finger on why though. It was stiff yet seemed effortless. A rather strange combination to him. Before he knew it you had the drink and… were just looking at it, flipping it around. You had taken off the cap but seemed lost as to what to do next. “There’s a plunger in the cap, you take that out and place it on top where the cap was.” You followed his instructions without question. “Then you push it down, releasing the marble and there you go.” You seemed surprised, your eyes widening a little as the soda kinda exploded as it usually did when being opened. Then you held it out to him? “I can tell you haven’t drunk anything in the past several hours. Take it.” “Oh, thanks.”

·       Your whole demeanor seemed off, somewhat alien. As you got yourself another drink, he couldn’t help but ask- “Are you a foreigner? This soda is rather common in Nippon.” “I suppose one could say that of me.” … Well, that was a strange response. “Seems like we’ve both had a long day. I saw an arcade nearby. Want to just relax and hangout there for a while?” You looked to him in what he assumed was surprise, you didn’t seem very expressive, but he could still see these small shifts in your eyes. For a moment, when he had asked, they seemed to sparkle. “Certainly, lead the way.”

·       The pair of you had a rather fun outing to the arcade. So much of… well everything you seemed unaccustomed too. “What’s this?” “The prize corner? We can win tickets to trade for stuff here.” “Huh… so a transfer of currency, to test skill, to gain a new currency…” Even rather basic things. “How did you do that?” “Do what?” “Make that bubble from your mouth?” “I just blew a bubble with the bubblegum.” “There exists food to blow into bubbles?” Hajime wondered if you grew up extremely sheltered. If that was the case, you were probably from an extremely rich family considering you’d have to pour so much money to get into the reserve course. He felt rather sorry for you. “Have you been to the movies before?” “Never.” “We could go watch some if you’d like, get some more candy and some popcorn.” “I know not if I’d like it, never having experienced it before, but I am curious.” “Let’s go then!”

·       For the next several days Hajime would find you around campus and you’d just go out and have fun in the town. Strangely though, he never saw you at the dorms. He did most often find you exercising so he assumed you just woke up very early.

·       You sat beside him on a bench, passing an orange ramune his way. “So Y/N, feeling ready for class to start tomorrow?” “Yes, I’ve made all necessary preparations and more.” “Still doesn’t feel real that I’m even here, I think it will be a few days till this sinks in.” “… Hinata.” “Yes?” “When class stars… Well, before I ask how schools work, I find a matter more pressing. Will we still spend time together when class starts, like going to the mall, or the park together?” “Of course, we’re friends. Sure, we might get busy with schoolwork sometimes, but we can make time. If you’d like we could study together.” You were silent for a moment, mulling over his words as you took a sip of your soda. “friend…” It was strange to hear that new tone. There was no power or commend to it, it was but a faint unconscious whisper to yourself. “I wonder if we’ll have separate curriculums since we’ll be in different classes.” You knew you’d be in different classes. Maybe you were taking advanced courses or something. That was what Hajime had assumed at least. “Maybe, but we still have break and lunch to chat, we just can’t go out. At least we have holidays.” “Yes, we do have break and lunch. Then you’d be alright if I schedule to spend my breaks with you?” “I don’t mind.”

·       “… Thank you Hin-… Friend. I give you my thanks, Friend. For being my friend… I’ve never had one before. There are so many things I know not, but I intend for you to know I’ll do my utmost to keep improving. You’ve… changed my view on things in such a short amount of time. I find it remarkable.” The new spring breeze rolled past, carrying along the fresh scent of flowers. The sun beamed down, warming the cool world. “Ah, I haven’t done much, but I’m glad knowing our time together means so much to you.” “It’s strange… getting the chance to live as a teenager. Never before have I had the opportunity to be anything over than a military general.” Wait… military general? “For as long as I can recall, I’ve been molded to be a weapon and nothing more. I was the top candidate in the project, which allowed me access, well more so forcibly having me join the army. I believed myself to be unfeeling, emotionless for a time. After all, the soldiers could react with horror and fear at taking life, even celebrating when a battle was won, but I didn’t, to me, it just seemed to be more training. I only ever perceived humans as more targets. That was all my existence was, fighting. But as I was trained to be smart, tactical, I had noticed their reactions. I could not relate to them, but I could sympathize with them. I thought I knew not emotional pain, only physical, but somewhere in my mind I made the connection of physical, mental, and emotional pain as all one in the same. I could not understand them directly, but at the time I knew pain was bad, and so that was what started me beginning to see humans as people, more than bags of flesh. I listened to their stories of their friends, family, and loved ones. I did not understand directly, but I knew then I wanted to protect them, just as they wanted to protect their families, and so I began to think of them as my friends. The project runners soon caught on to my realizing I was human too, and began to torture me to make me believe humans were nothing but bad… bad, good, black, white, they had such an archaic, rudimentary view of life, it’s pitiful. As I realized the humans I worked with were people, I realized those we were fighting were exactly the same. We’re all human, all people, people with causes and more importantly others to fight for… Even if I was but an outsider looking in, not truly able to understand, I knew with all that was thrust onto me I was going to change the system. Be a humanitarian. Save all I could. I would mold my soldiers not in my image, but make them strong enough so they can protect others and themselves even without my leadership, to draw out their true strength from being human… but now…” You looked to the ramune bottle you held. “Before I saw humanity, but now I’ve experienced it, even if but a fraction.” You turned to him, cupping your hand on his cheek, the smallest, softest, kindest of smiles pulling at the corners of your lips. “Simply doing things others do everyday I find so exciting, but something I found with my soldiers, hearing their stories of their loved ones, connecting with them, and now, connecting with you, connecting with other human beings… I think this is the best part of being alive. You’ve shown me the world from a new perspective. I can now finally understand. I had some semblance of it before, but… I was still fighting, not… whatever not fighting is, what you’ve shown me, playing at an arcade and watching movies. THIS is what they were all so desperate to protect. I just wanted them to live, but I didn’t know what being alive was. And so… I suppose I fear us not getting to have our outings as often. This, being friends with you… It’s the most… My vocabulary has failed me, I can’t even begin to describe this, but, I will do whatever it takes for you to not just see, but understand how much I appreciate and treasure all that you have done for me… You are my very first friend after all. I want to treat you right. And I will.”

·       “Wait… so, you’re the Super High School Level Military General?” “That is a title I have been christened recently, but it is not all I am. After all, I’ve more recently gained the title as your friend.” This… was a lot for Hajime to take it. Now he felt a bit weird about telling you so much about his adoration for Hope’s Peak and it’s students, who you were one of, how he wished he could belong there and not just paid to be on the side lines. Yet… despite you being one of those students… he was just talking to his friend… remembering that made this feel less awkward, though a little embarrassing still.

·       It was strange having the stares of his classmates as they just watched him eating with you, to the point you’d often walk around till you found a quieter place to just enjoy your time together in peace.

·       You’d still hangout outside of school, it was both of your favorite time together. You could just be together and be happy without this strange divide that others forced between you two.

ENDING 1:

·       When Hajime befriended Chiaki and her class, he dragged you along, helping you to connect with the others. You both became honorary members of the class.

·       These connections were things you were never going to allow to fade, making sure to regularly keep in contact with everyone even after graduating.

·       With the world having relative peace you retired, working as a personal trainer. You’d come out of retirement temporarily if a new war sprung up, but you always ended it quickly with as little life lost as possible… “Ah, Y/N, you’re back!” “I said I’d be, didn’t I?” Your face instantly flushed a bright red upon Hajime hugging you so tightly. “You took much longer than usual, I thought something had happened.” “A-ah… I…” ... happily returning to your husband and your peaceful life together. This was all both you and Hajime wanted, and you were happy just to be together.

ENDING 2:

·       Even still, no matter how much you tried, you just seemed to be naturally pulled to separate worlds, the staff always causing trouble for Hajime when he’d go to see you, only for you to end up defending him. Moments like these…

·       His mind was a blur, he couldn’t hold onto a single thought, and so he went out for a walk, hoping the fresh air could clear his mind.

·       “Friend.” “Oh, Y/N-” He turned around, finding you were but a few paces behind him. “- you startled me.” You were stoic, standing there stiffly, the only movement was the wind lifting up pieces of your uniform. “You want to talk about something?” “Indeed. The Kamukura project… What’s with that expression, surely one such as I would know of an experiment such as this.” “Y-yeah, I guess so.” “I but wish you to place my mind at ease, after all… I’ve never trained you, you’re not my soldier, I… know not if you’ll be safe on your own, so… I wish to know if you are informed as to what you’ll be doing from kin, one who has attempted to be molded into a weapon as well.” He looked you up and down, searching for something, though he wasn’t sure what himself. Then he nodded. “By partaking in this project, you may never return to now. They may attempt to make you a weapon, but that will not come to be. Friend, should you follow my path, I still will not take you in as a soldier for you have no need of such. They will say you’re someone entirely new, and that you may be. I know not the consequences of one following my path after being allowed to be human for so long. Likely for a time, you will know nothing but fighting, you may have to relearn what it is to be human, is that a process you are willing to go through? It is one I in fact am still stumbling through.” “… Yeah. I know you say all life has meaning, that everyone matters, but… I want to do more!” “And I shall never stop you from any endeavor for self-improvement. That is not my intention here.” You held out your hand to him. “I but wish that after you follow me, you catch up so we may walk side by side once more.” “Of course. Whatever happens next, I know I’ll be alright, I have my friend with me.” Taking your hand into his own he could feel the warmth that seeped through your glove. “Well then…” With an outstretched arm you presented Hope’s Peak. “Shall we be off?” “Yes.”

·       You followed Hajime, but a few paces behind till he stood before those doors off limits to most staff and all students but him. He looked over his shoulder having herd your steady footfalls come to a stop. You both knew you could follow him no longer. This next step he’d have to take on his own, but it was alright, he knew he’d be lost and run after you for a while, but in the end, he’d be someone better, someone who could not only walk beside you, but keep in time and never fall behind. No more chasing after you or leading you around. This time around, you could truly keep in time with one another.

    Kirumi Tojo:

·       Kirumi had met you through Korekiyo, he introduced the two of you thinking you’d make for good friends given how similar you were. You both lived to serve others, to make them as great of people as they could be. Kirumi admired the lengths you’d go for your soldiers, keeping mental and emotional health in mind, not just physical. All you wished was for your soldiers to be even greater than yourself so that together the whole world could be a safe place. Being your maid was something she had considered, but you were perfectly fine on your own, even being able to work on self-improvement without the assistance of others. Surely being your maid, she’d be able to an extent serve and help many others but given you absolutely couldn’t find someone like her to be of use, she became your friend instead.

·       Whenever the pair of you had free time, you’d share stories of the past. On occasion you’d trade advice, but the both of you felt it almost wrong to assist one another. You both loved helping others, but also valued self-improvement above all else which included your own improvement. Both of you were simply so self-reliant any assistance would simply be a hindrance from improving yourself in some way. Even so, your chats together were your favorite. You both understood one another in ways most others simply could not even begin to comprehend.

·       You always spent time with one another when you were taking breaks. Taking breaks was vitally important, even for workaholics such as yourselves. You both would change your schedule so they could align. Often, you’d make a day of it, going out and trying something Hajime had shown you recently such as going for a walk through a botanical garden, going to the cinema, or just lazing about on the beach. These were rather awkward but fun excursions, the both of you not exactly sure how to relax in a way similar to others. Often the awkwardness could looked back on with laughter at how silly it’d look to others.

·       By chance the pair of you had but a short break for an hour or so you’d most often exercise, something light for you like a thousand push-ups or curl-ups and other such things while Kirumi would speak of her past experiences as a maid. One time it’d be how she saved he client from a literal army, the next being about her setting up a whole wedding due to the caterer just being plain awful at their job. You’d so curiously ask her questions such as what catering was or how to bake a cake so you could gave one to one of our classmate’s for their up coming birthday. Kirumi loved answering your every last question, it was one of the few things she could do to truly help you without getting in the way. She’d eagerly teach you any and all skills you were unfamiliar with, and you rather liked knowing Kirumi was enjoying this so much. You’d think of any possible skill you were lacking and asked her to be your teacher and in exchange you’d teach her battle and fighting tactics even she didn’t know.

·       You adored being able to help one another, and you’d search out excuses to do so.

·       “So what you’re saying is you’re out of work.” “Indeed.” “Meet me at the front gate, sixteen o’clock.” That was all that needed to be said for the both of you to be there right on time, down to the exact second. Not a word was exchanged as you lead her down the streets through town. Though you enjoyed your chats with one another, you didn’t speak too often. Speaking wasn’t needed to build a connection with one another. Being together was enough most of the time.

·       “Hey General.” “There you are Y/N, oh Tojo? So Y/N brought you here too, that’s why they’re late today.” Kirumi found herself in a rather cozy building, many people with various injuries, along with Shuichi as well. Most of them sat at one main table where biscuits and tea sat on a platter. “So this is the General’s other new friend. Come in, come in. Everybody’s welcome to the drop-in center. Come have some tea and share some stories.” “The Generals says you have quite the yarns to tell.” Both you and Shuichi knew what was to come next. “If you so wish. And if the tea is low, I shall make more.” Kirumi immediately made herself at home, serving all the ex-soldiers so attentively. You and Shuichi simply started some training while everyone else ooed and awed at Kirumi and her skills in seemingly everything. It was fun for the pair of you to see the others amazed by the girl both of you were used too, no longer surprised by anything she could do, she could take over the whole galaxy and neither of you would bat an eye, to the both of you she could do anything.

·       Due to the both of you being rather stoic neither of you ever really confessed your feelings. After graduating high school you were just together, no matter the distance or time you’d always reunite with one another eventually. Kirumi often worked with soldiers, helping them get back onto their feet after war. You’d do the same when you weren’t fighting. You both were a perfect duo, doing all you could to make life easier for your soldiers and getting them to a place where they no longer needed your help. The pair of you were simply perfect together.

[copperbadge]

Sewing a Duck Bill Mask: A Quick Handy Guide With Photos

I’ve had a couple of requests for a guide to how I make the masks I’ve been wearing and selling, so I sat down and made one while taking pictures. This is for a “duck bill” style mask (also known as a Fu Mask) which does not have pleats but does have a generous nose pocket. The original pattern came from Make Masks 2020 and you can find the pattern here, but I have made several modifications. 

Instructions below the cut! Sorry for mobile users. 

So, in the pattern linked above, my original template was the largest size on the last page, with a 1/4″ seam allowance added onto that all the way around. That’s what you see here on the right. 

However, the one on the right proved to be just slightly uncomfortably small for a lot of people, and I had a friend who wanted a wider chin so he could speak easier with one on. So I created the template on the left, which added some length to the height of the mask and the width of it, and slightly curved out the round “nose” side more. I’m afraid I don’t have a pattern of it handy because I basically just traced the original and made my mods freehand, but you can see the differences in comparison pretty clearly. Don’t be afraid to test out a few freehand trials, since all your pieces will be the same size anyway. 

I find using a piece of thick cardboard as a pattern is easiest; I put the template on the fabric, trace around it with a marker, then cut out the shape. I flip it over and trace and cut again for the second piece, and so on. (I actually do a complicated maneuver involving several careful folds, but we won’t get into that.)

Essentially, to start with, you are cutting out four pieces of fabric using the same template; two with the “nose” facing one way and two with it facing the other, so that when flipped their “good” sides face each other. These four panels will make up your mask. 

You place the panels with the “good” sides facing each other because you’ll be sewing it inside-out and then reversing it. To start, each set of two panels gets a single seam on the curved “nose” side: 

It will end up looking like this: 

The tip of the scissors is pointing at the nose seam. Remember if you’re using fabric with a pattern oriented a certain direction, the curvy bit is where your nose will be and the longest straight side is the bottom of the mask. Orient your template accordingly. 

You can trim the excess from the nose seam if you want; it isn’t absolutely vital but can be helpful later.

Then you’re going to take one of the two pieces you now have, it doesn’t really matter which, and turn it right side out: 

now tuck it between the two pieces of the one that’s still wrong-side-out, to make a sort of sandwich: 

Make sure you snug the two nose seams up as close to each other as you can. It likely won’t be perfect. 

Now open both pieces like a book. You will create a “pocket” where the nose seam is, and that’s ok, just pay attention to which side it’s on. Note that the long straight edges on the bottom are at a slight angle to one another -- that’s normal and how it should look if you’ve folded it open properly. 

In this one you can see that the “pocket” is on the right side of the fold. So I’m going to sew two seams on the left side of the fold first, where the pocket isn’t. First the bottom seam, starting from the middle and going outward: 

Then the top seam, starting from the middle and following the curve of the “top” of the mask, so that eventually I have half the mask sewn together like so:

Note that the short straight edge opposite the nose pocket is not sewn together; that’s where the ear loop will go, so we’re not sewing that yet. It’s just the top and bottom for now. 

Now you need to flip the nose pocket so it’s under the part you’ve already sewn. You’re not turning anything inside out, you’re just moving the pocket-flap so you’re not sewing the top to it. Then sew the other two seams, again starting from the middle, so eventually your mask looks like this: 

You can see at the bottom of the right side that the fabric isn’t completely aligned. As long as the blue fabric and pink fabric are reasonably flush with each other inside the seam, that doesn’t matter; it just happens sometimes in the course of using two dimensions to sew a three-dimensional object. Do not panic, just trim it if you want to and go on with life.

So now you have what is basically a lumpy fabric tube; both ends are open, so you can turn it inside out, rather like a sock with the toe cut off: 

Aw, it’s a butterfly. 

Make sure you tuck one nose seam inside the other, and run your fingers along the edges of the open ends to pull the fabric all the way up to the seam. For some of my clumsier ones I use an iron, but usually you can just push on the seams and it’ll flatten out into something that’s starting to look more masklike. Take a very blurry photo. :D

This next step is 100% optional and by far the most difficult part; it’s the central nose seam, which binds the two pieces together at the center and adds structure to help hold the mask away from your face even as the edges lie flush with your skin. Open up the mask but don’t flatten it, so it forms a sort of cup, and press the two nose seams (pink and blue) together as you sew a seam up either side of the center from bottom to top. 

The fabric will remain curved in front of and behind the machine’s “foot”; don’t try to flatten it, it’s meant to do that. Just do the best to keep the bit directly under the foot flat and smooth. 

This is where I am most likely to screw up and cause wrinkles, little bunches, etc. These are cosmetic and don’t impact the mask particularly, but I always try to have the “front” of the mask -- the side people will see when you wear it -- on the inside (the pink, in this case) because the wrinkles and pouches are more likely to show up on the part you can’t see while sewing (the blue). 

Not perfect, but serviceable. Phew! As I said, that step is not mandatory, your mask will work perfectly fine without it, I just like the look and it does help hold the mask away from your face a little. 

Now you’re going to address those open, unsewn ends. Take the raw ends and tuck about 1/4″ to 1/2″ inward on both sides so that you have a nice neat edge: 

You can see how the pink and blue are tucked in against each other, as opposed to the raw blue beneath them on the other end of the mask, which hasn’t been tucked yet. 

At this point you can do a number of things; you can sew in laces you tie behind your head, for example, or elastic tape that goes over your head. I use everyday hair elastics in a couple of different styles as ear loops.

The one in the middle, which is thin rolled nylon, is my elastic of choice because it’s the right mix of broad and stretchy. These are known as Scunci brand “hosiery ponytailers”. The one on bottom is heavier and less inclined to stretch but is more available, at least in Chicago (I can get a bag of 50 for $7 a lot of the time). Both are 2″ diameter nylon hair ties available at most places that sell hair accessories (the scunci brand I get at Target, the generic one below it at a local bodega). The one at the top is not ideal, but you can get like 20 of them for $2 at Walgreens and they’re not awful. Just make sure that whatever kind you use, your needle is sharp enough and they are soft enough for the needle to pass through them easily. You will need two loops, one for each side, snipped once to open up the loop. 

Tuck the ends of the elastic into that neat clean edge you’ve made on the end of the mask, then carefully sew a seam on the outside of the mask, over and through the elastic. Use a small stitch to ensure that at least one or two stitches pass directly through the elastic itself. You may have to shove it a little to get it under the foot. 

If you’re fashion-forward, make sure you’re using a color that will compliment or contrast with the fabric. I like using blue thread on warm fabrics, orange thread on blues and purples, and green thread on greens, whites, and blues. 

Turn the mask over, do the same tuck, elastic, and seam on the other side, and your mask is complete!

It seems like a lot of steps, but once you’ve done it, it’s relatively straightforward. Have fun and keep masking! 

[satoshi-mochida]

Tobyfox has provided a status update on the second chapter and beyond of Undertale sequel Deltarune in celebration of Undertale‘s fifth anniversary today.

First, here are the latest screenshots from Deltarune‘s second chapter:

Get the full update below.

Introduction

Hi everyone.

If you’re reading this, you must have been sticking around for about five years.*

I want to express my gratitude for everyone that has supported and encouraged me over this time.

Thank you.

I’ve said it many many times before, but I didn’t expect the simple game I made to receive so much attention. Because of that, many interesting things have happened, and now I can even spend my time making another game.

It seems both of us received a lot of happiness from this occurrence.

If it’s okay, I would like to keep striving to do things that make both of us happy.

Let me know what you think about that.

*Since the Undertale demo released in 2013, the game has really existed for 7 years. It’s already been more than 25% of my life…

Deltarune

I will make another.

I am making a game called “Deltarune.” It is the second game in the Undertale series.

The game will be released in many “Chapters,” the first of which I released two years ago on Halloween. Since that time, I’ve been working hard to figure out the rest of the game.

However, it’s a game that’s much harder to make than Undertale.

Graphics are more complicated and several times more involved.

Systems are more complicated.

Exposes the weak points of my creative and artistic ability.

Plot is much harder to tie together (more characters, more important locations).

Significantly more content than Undertale in one playthrough (especially cutscenes).

I have only made one game ever.

Unlike Undertale, this is the type of game that would normally have many designers working on each aspect of the game.

A story writer, a composer, an audio director, a map designer, a battle designer, a minigame designer, and an overall director. Instead, all of those roles end up handled by me.

The good news is that a few months ago, I completed a significant milestone regarding the game’s design. I completed readable outlines for every chapter in the game, including first-pass dialogue for almost all the cutscenes, examples of the music, etc.

Although certain details are still hazy, the flow of the game and all major events and battles that take place are now clear.

In summary, I largely spent the past two years writing, composing, designing, and drawing. However, that’s not the whole story.

We had actually attempted to develop the game since the time too. Development started around March 2019 and a 99% work was spent on investigating engines alternate to GameMaker, which I used for Chapter 1.

Without getting into the details, I decided a few months ago to go back to GameMaker after all. It still felt like the best fit for the project. So using Chapter 1 as a base, we’ve started creating Chapter 2 since May 2020.

A lot of progress has been made since that time. I believe we can complete this chapter, content-wise, before the end of the year (not accounting for translation, bugtesting, and porting).

I feel very confident. And the strange thing is, even though we ended up using the original engine, I don’t regret the lost time, either. Not only was I still busy designing the game, but during that long period, I was able to think of many ideas that make the game’s story and characters better.

I’m glad that I’m making the Deltarune that I have now and that we are making healthy progress.

Deltarune Status Estimate

■ Chapter 2 (04.15.20 – 08.13.20)

Phase 1: Design

Main Design: 100% (dialogue, etc.)

Initial Setup: 100% (stuff involved setting up people to make the game, adding debug tools, documentation, etc.)

Phase 2: Implementation (05.01.20 ~ 08.13.20)

Art: 90%

Cutscenes: 80% (90% are started, needs 2nd pass)

Bullet Patterns: 70% (enemies are mostly completed, bosses are about 40% done, needs 2nd pass)

Non-Bullet Battle Elements: 30% (Some ACTs are done and enemies are fightable, but interactive ACTs need to be completed and polished and the bosses aren’t programmed outside of bullet patterns)

Audio: 80%

Maps: ??% most are started or placeholder, most need 2nd pass. NPC interactions are completed in all spots where written.

Other: 65%

Phase 3: Finishing

Balancing: 0%

Bugfixing: 0%

Translation: 0%

Porting: 0%

(Honestly, a lot of stuff FEELS like 80% to me, but the truth is that what’s there is quite rough now. Polish ends up taking a lot of time, so the real actual time value may be around 50% done…? We’ll see what happens. It’ll be a lesson for everybody.)

■ Chapters 3 and Beyond

Phase 1: Design

Story and General Game Progression (first-pass): 100%

Cutscene Dialogue (first-pass, lacking cutscene instructions): 95%

Map Design (textual): 70% (varies per chapter, earlier chapters totally completed)

Map Design (drawn): 0% (this takes a lot of wrist energy so I don’t do it until we start programming)

Enemy Design (conceptual): 90% (all bosses are known)

Enemy Design (bullets / visual): 80% (varies per chapter, earlier chapters totally completed)

Music (concept): 95%

Music (completed): 50%

Visual Design:BG Concept (first-pass): 75%, Important Character, Bosses (first-pass): 100%

Phase 2

Sprite Art: 20%?

Other Content Creation: 0%

Phase 3

Release Readiness: 0%

(These numbers can be somewhat deceptive though. My true design style is to reach the moment where we have to make something, then suddenly think of something different at the last minute. This is always how it’s been with me and my work. It feels like no matter how much I plan, everything comes down to what I think of at the last second…)

Team and Disability

You may have noticed from my phrasing, but yes, there is a team helping me create the game. Other than me, there are about three active team members working day-to-day, with a few other people pitching in from time to time.

Their roles of the main members are overall content implementation and organization, bullet pattern implementation (part-time), and art (Temmie). Other than designing, I still have the role of system programmer.

I’m extremely grateful to have a team helping me carry out my design especially because of my disabilities, which have also made development more difficult.

Although I have long suffered from wrist and hand pain, about five months ago my wrist was the worst it’s ever been. I could not play the piano, use the mouse, and barely could use the keyboard. I navigated everything through voice to text.

Through weightlifting, exercise, and various equipment I have been able to somewhat increase the stamina of my wrist to an extent. Various solutions have included trackball mice for each hand, using voice to text whenever possible, using a foot pedal to click the mouse, etc.

Now I can use the mouse and keyboard for a certain amount each day provided I take frequent breaks. I wish I could work without stopping. Once the world situation improves I would really like to take physical therapy again and/or investigate surgery to repair my wrist.

Future Plans

Once we finish Chapter 2, I would like to use it as the base to create future chapters from. After gaining experience from this chapter, I think making future chapters will be easier.

Part of me wonders if we could make the game faster if we increased the size of the team and did something insane like create multiple chapters in parallel. However, another part of me understands that, adding more people doesn’t guarantee that the game will be created faster if it’s not done properly. I’m already just barely avoiding becoming a bottleneck on development even with a team of this size, due to my physical limitations.

To that end, I am interested in making a list of people that could potentially help me make the game. I’m not 100% sure if I’m going to ask anyone to help, but I think if I could find just 1 person that works well with me, it’s worth asking.

Chapter 2 is proceeding at a good pace, so if we do take anyone on, it will probably only be for Chapter 3 onward. So please understand that anything you send in may not have an immediate result.

People I Am Looking For

Feel free to send in your portfolio if you have the following qualifications:

Worked in the game industry before

Worked under NDA before

Have professional references

A degree of creativity while also being okay with just following directions

Fluent in English

People I Might Actually Use

Music Transcription / Basic Arrangement (Part-Time)

I usually start making songs by playing the piano and singing. An important step after this is to take this basic outline and transcribe it into melodies and chords. Though there are not too many remaining songs to transcribe, it would still help my wrist to have someone else start this process for me. Although I know many musicians, I’m sheepish to ask for help to them, because the main role is actually just to help me compose my own music…

Helpful qualities:

Good at transcription.

Can stand listening to me sing.

Optional: can use an old version of Fruity Loops.

Bullet Pattern Programming (Part-Time)

I’m looking for someone to help me program bullet patterns into the game. These people will work from text and visual designs to create fun battles that match the feeling of the game. I already have one person helping with this, but I think a second person would help a lot. You have to be able to use Gamemaker Studio 2 to manipulate objects on the screen / okay with using pre-existing scripts to accomplish this.

Helpful qualities:

Sense of fun and understanding of player perspective and gameplay balance. This aspect is [many times] more important than programming ability.

Reliable.

Able to make patterns based off of visual/text instructions.

Fine working with a poorly made battle system.

Able to sprite bullets.

Good visual / timing sense.

Minigame Programming (Part-Time)

There are a few minigames and small interactive events in the game, which appear in and outside of battles. These could take any kind of form… who knows what I’m thinking! Have you made a game before?

Helpful qualities:

Same sense of humor as me.

Some level of spriting ability is useful.

You have to have made a game that is fun.

Ability to work together with me.

Unlikely to Hire, But Send Me Your Information Just In Case

Cutscene Programming (Part-Time)

Besides the battles, the largest amount of content in the game is definitely the cut scenes. You will have to understand Gamemaker Studio 2, but the majority of the work is simply using a scripting system that I created to make characters move around the screen. The most important quality you can have here is not programming ability but the ability to efficiently use the system in order to create scenes with a good sense of humor, timing, and emotion.

I’d strongly prefer to hire someone I know to do this because it involves the story. So I most likely won’t hire anyone else.

Helpful qualities:

Can take text instructions and impart a proper sense of timing, humor, and weight to them.

Fine working with a custom scripting system (or smart enough to make something better that makes the game easier to make).

Art (Part-Time)

Sprite art—Temmie has already drawn a massive amount of art for the game, and continues to do so. And I actually already have a few other artists that have helped me that I’m more than happy to keep working with if things become more overwhelming. So currently I actually don’t need any more artists.

However, personally, I’d really like to build up a portfolio of available pixel artists and even concept artists. It’s not as if this is the only game I will make during my life. Anyone chosen for this game needs to be able to match the style of the game, but I’m interested in seeing people with different styles as well. Knowing that I have different options can open my mind up to different creative pathways.

Helpful qualities:

Can take bad looking sketches and turn them into art that looks good (magic).

Don’t mind if your work gets completely drawn over or thrown out.

Anyone that can draw cute or cool poses is good.

Uninterested in seeing people that have an art style outside of the scope of the game.

Write (Full-Time)

Someone needs to transform into a new wrist for me.

Helpful qualities:

Flexible.

Doesn’t hurt.

Musical sense.

That’s everyone I’m looking for. The only other kind of person I might hire would be a single jack-of-all-trades type that can do any sort of things such as cutscenes, bullets, or even system programming, with a good degree of visual flair. (But if you can do those sorts of things, aren’t you busy making your own game already!?)

Anyway, I’ll show you the e-mail now. Just make sure you read these rules first:

Don’t send in e-mails about anything else!

Don’t send to other team members, Fangamer, etc. about helping out!

Got it? Then please send your information to this e-mail address:

deltarunejobs@fangamer.com

Since Fangamer will be sorting through the e-mails for me, we’ll stop taking e-mails at the end of September so they don’t get overwhelmed. Ultimately, I’m only looking for one or two people, and to make a list of the rest of the potentially helpful people in the world.

Undertale is available now for PlayStation 4, Switch, PS Vita, and PC via Steam and GOG. Deltarune Chapter 1 is availble for PlayStation 4, Switch, and PC via Deltarune.com.

[reynesofcastamere]

Distorted Supernova

(A/N: For context, this is set about a year or so prior to the previous installments in this series. Also, the readmore is going directly under my notes this time. Just to be safe. Warnings for bad partner/BDSM etiquette, biting, blood, orgasm denial, and some autoerotic asphyxiation. Not Safe For Work. Mando’a translations are marked with [ ]. Unbeta’d.)

Ahsoka’s nails scrabble desperately against the headboard, seeking a better grip while Maul- “Ah!” Sharp pressure on the pulsing bud between her thighs. He’s never been shy about sinking his teeth into every possible inch of her body, or pushing the boundaries of her endurance to the point where pain and pleasure blur. Her moans rise and crest, trailing off into a hiss when he grinds the slippery nub between his incisors. He hasn’t broken the skin, but it’s still just a bit too much.  She’s trembling as he eases up gradually, the long swipes of his tongue soothing one ache and inflaming another. If he could just keep doing that...But no, he’s withdrawing again, licking the traces of her from his lips as he surveys his ‘handiwork’. The long expanse of skin between collarbone and lower thighs bears a liberal scattering of bruises and bites, flush with desire and exertion while her breath comes in ragged gasps. Ahsoka has no idea how long she’s been kept on the edge, completion just out of reach. And the Force...There is no separation here, no sharp divide between Dark and Light. Only energy, freezing and sparking all at once. Ahsoka can feel his hunger as if it is a monster from one of the stories that the younglings used to tell each other, something that could swallow her whole in one gulp. Maul certainly looks the part, white teeth stark against darkly-patterned skin, auric eyes glowing in the dim light. It is in a near-haze that she watches him shift and lower his mouth to hers, her hands coming to rest on his shoulders as if moving through water instead of air. She tastes herself on him while their tongues duel and twine, humming as he growls, her fingers raking down his back. Her hips cant slightly, seeking friction that he quickly denies her, and she tears herself viciously away from their kiss to scowl up at him.  “What kind of game are you playing?” And it is a game. She is in his room, his bed for the first time since this whole...affair started. On top of that, he’s deliberately drawing things out when his usual method is to have her coming hard, fast, and as many times as possible. As if, in some corner of his twisted mind, it is both a punishment for not remaining at his side and a reminder of what he does to her. Which right now consists of smirking and a decidedly-pleased gleam in his eyes. “I had wondered when your much-vaunted patience would finally reach its’ limit.” Maul chuckles, not even having the decency to be startled when she flips them over, glaring intensely. The smug bastard actually purrs when she pins his hands down. Of course he’d enjoy working her into a state of half-maddened arousal and refuse to let her climax until she gives him what he wants. These emotions give him power over her, after all. “I can still leave at any time.” Ahsoka warns sharply. It’s the most effective threat she can utilize against him right now. “You need this more than I do. Now finish what you started.” She gives his wrists a sharp squeeze before letting go, making him watch as she sits back, bracing herself with one hand; the other spreading her core open and slipping two fingers inside. “Or I will.” Groaning through clenched teeth, eyes fluttering shut. Her sex is drenched, sensitive, and aching. So much so that she gets caught up in the sensation of touching herself, of finally getting the relief so desperately sought-after. “You are learning.” Oh Maker, she hadn’t even noticed- His breath against her already-molten cunt was like adding illerium to a bonfire. Then his tongue slips inside and his thumb is giving just the right amount of pressure on her nub to-Ahsoka Tano screams, body twitching and thrashing beyond her means to control it. She careens from one sensation to the next, any small movement within herself seeming to trigger another wave of pleasure-pain-pleasure-more until, after a small eternity, it finally ebbs.  Her eyes open, breath shaking as she carefully withdraws her fingers and re-adjusts her position. This time, she does feel her sometimes-lover move underneath her, until she is once again straddling his hips. Maul looks...approving. As if her actions had brought her another step closer to the Dark, to being ‘his’. Never. He can keep trying to drag her very being into the deepest pits imaginable. Ahsoka will still fight her way out, every time.  The double-beep of her wrist-comm interrupts these thoughts, moving as quickly as she can to retrieve it from the nightstand and kneel on the edge of the bed. “Receiving.”

“This is Dash. See any sharks where you’re fishing?” Asks a female voice with a rounded Mid Rim accent.  “There’s a fin in the water, but it’s far off. Sea’s calm and the skies are clear. How about you?” Ahsoka verifies after performing the mandatory checks. She can’t afford to take her current location or whatever signal-scrambling tech the Shadow Collective might have in place for granted. Not when so much is on the line. “Weather’s fine where I am.” There’s a brief pause, but it’s enough for Maul to insinuate himself behind her. Before she can even think to ask what he’s doing, she’s being dragged backwards into his lap and-He’s filling her in one stroke, cold metal pressing against her rear and the back of her thighs. “There’s a situation on Corellia.” Maul’s right hand is already around her throat, his left arm keeping her arms bent and pinned to her chest. Of all the-! She mutes the comm still in her hands. “Stop.” Ahsoka instructs in a low hiss, suppressing a moan when she feels him start moving. The first penetration usually takes a bit of...adjustment for them both. Right now he barely has to put any strength into his thrusts to reach her deepest point. 

“No.” He snarls in response, cutting off her air for a few moments before relaxing his grip again.. “I have to take this!” “Then I suggest you do so quickly.” “I’m not going to let you-”  “Having signal problems? Please respond.” Oh, kark it all. She has seconds to make a decision and her options are limited. Either 1) she has Dash call back later, and risk the unknown situation getting worse. 2) Fight Maul to a standstill and then continue the call, which will not be easy or quick to accomplish, or. 3) Be extremely unprofessional, let him...take her, and hope that she can get all the pertinent details without the agent on the other end of the line figuring out what is going on. With a shaky exhale, Ahsoka turns off the mute function. “Just a brief patch of interference. What kind of situation?” How. Just. How in the name of the Mortis gods is she getting aroused? He’s only circling his hips right now, barely stirring up her insides, fingers applying enough intermittent pressure on the sides of her neck to slow the flow of blood to her brain. Her body should be rejecting every part of this, but instead her core is trying to pull him in deeper. “The kind that requires an extraction and some smash-and-grab.” Dash replies. “There’s a team assembling on Devaron. How soon can you be there?” Ahsoka has to bite down on her lower lip to silence a moan, running the calculations in her head. “Just under a week in hyperspace. Five days if I can swap for a better ship.” She might even be able to do it without selling a limb. Provided she doesn’t kill Maul after this.  Dash hums as she thinks it over. “Not great, but it’ll have to do. How’s your condition? Heard you got sent to deal with the Broker again.” Oh, Sithspawn. Ahsoka is going to have to speak very carefully if she doesn’t want the agent on the other end of the line to wind up dead. Or worse. Most of the people she works with most closely might not know exactly who ‘the Broker’ is, but they don’t have...a great opinion of Maul. For various and completely justified reasons. One of which is that Fulcrum comes back from their meetings generally looking like someone dragged her through a field of salt crystals on Crait. Bacta patches and the Force can only do so much.  Ahsoka doesn’t know for certain if the Rebellion has figured out the exact level of their...involvement by now. Of course, she could have avoided that particular complication by not sleeping with him in the first place, but it’s too late for that. “I’m-” He cuts off her air temporarily again, biting hard just underneath her jaw. She hisses, feeling the blood well up and be laved away just as quickly. “-fine.” The grip relaxes, though she can feel him starting to pick up the pace. “I need coordinates and details for the mission.” “Sure thing. Just, look, I know we need all the help we can get, but maybe you should take backup next time. Or assign someone else to him for a bit. Can’t outrun Imps if you’ve basically gone five rounds with a Wookiee.” Maul goes deathly still as the Dark Side surges. In a fit of desperation, she angles her head to kiss him, hoping that his need will outweigh any thoughts of murder and/or dismemberment. Ahsoka can only give half her attention to the numbers and facts being listed off, because he is utterly determined to possess her mouth like it’s the only thing keeping him alive right now. Eventually, she manages to pull back. “That’s everything. Any questions?” Dash asks, forcing her fellow intelligence operative to internally review what she’d heard and made certain it was correct. “No. Everything is affirmative. Fulcrum out.” The second she cuts the call, he pulls out, only to flip and turn her onto her back. Maul enters her ruthlessly this time, muffling her cry with his mouth. It’s this desperate clash of tongue and teeth interspersed with broken gasps as her limbs wind around his body, fingers clawing at his shoulderblades. Then suddenly her lips are skimming the side of his neck and biting down as he hammers into a spot that makes her arch in sheer, carnal rapture. He roars like a ravening beast as his blood fills her mouth. fisting his hands in the sheets near her hips. “Ner darasuum cuyan. [My eternal survivour]” He breathes. While she does not understand the words, Maul’s tone borders on...On worship, and his eyes- Climax overwhelms her, sudden and bordering on agony as he follows and they’re howling like Sriluurian dark wolves in the enclosed space... Ahsoka comes back to herself with Maul’s head resting in the valley between her breasts. Gripping some of his posterior horns, she forces him to meet her hard gaze. “Do not. Ever. Do that again.” She holds her grip and her stare long enough to make certain he understands that this is one of the boundaries that he cannot ignore or abuse at a whim. If he crosses the line again, she will leave or make him wish he’d never touched her in the first place. Possibly both. “As you command, Lady Tano.” Maul acquiesces as he pulls out of her, but otherwise continues to stay in the position of being a very odd blanket once she releases him. “I was not aware that your Alliance considers you so weak as to need protection from me.” He remarks in an offhanded fashion, nose scrunching in slight distaste.  She gives a long, exasperated sigh. “It’s not like that.” “Explain.” He counters, head slightly tilted and brow raised. “Very few people know that I’m meeting with you. Or what our actual history is.” This day is now officially bizarre, even by her standards. “They see me going off to bargain with a shady underworld contact and coming back-most of the time- limping or covered in minor injuries.” And this is where the explanation might get tricky. “So the general consensus is either that I’m letting you abuse me because I’m being ordered to...Or that you’re strong enough that I can’t stop it from happening.” Those who do know his identity think he’s been trying to murder her and failing at it for one reason or another, but that’s hardly an important detail. “Ridiculous. You would not have lived this long if these scratches-” His left thumb idly traces a mark on her ribcage.”-were enough to incapacitate you.” Which, coming from him, is...Almost sweet? In any case, she doesn’t have the time to ponder his mood. Ahsoka steals a brief kiss from him and carefully sits up. “Careful, that was almost an actual compliment. Think you can lend me a ride?” She teases, extracting herself out from under him to start the process of cleaning up and getting dressed. “I was mistaken. Clearly you are a terrified, delicate waif who wilts at the mere thought of my displeasure.” Maul deadpans, getting up to retrieve a disposable datapad and typing something into it, handing it to her before beginning to set himself to rights. “Give that to Kast. She should be in the hangar at this time.”  “Thank you.” They both finish up quickly, but before she can leave, he cups her jaw in one hand and presses their foreheads together. His eyes are hooded, but no less intense for it. “Oya, cuyan. Meh gar kyrayc, shuk bah ni. [Stay alive, survivour. You’re no use to me dead] ”  “You know I don’t speak Mando’a.” “Then I shall keep my advantage until you learn, atin jetii [stubborn Jedi] .” He’s actually smiling for once as his hand drops and he lets her pass out of his private domain. Back into the light, where her duties wait.   (A/N: Good GRIEF this thing is a monster. X_X  Apologies for any butchering of Mando’a. Also, for context, ‘Oya’ is one of those words with multiple meanings, including ‘Let’s hunt!’, but is generally used as a cheer or encouragement. I simply went with the meaning that worked best for that particular line. And...ok, I probably DON’T need to clarify this, but I feel like I should? Since they’re using the Force to share some level of emotional and physical sensation, it doesn’t matter whether Maul has his original equipment, an attachable toy, or a prosthesis. So long as Ahsoka climaxes, he does too. Or at least, that’s how it works out in my writing. XD Anyway, hope you all enjoyed and cheers to everyone.)

[saiilorstars]

Princess

// Part 2  • Part 3 //

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female OC

Chapter Summary: Steve asks his new friend to help his best friend Bucky deal through all the memories Hydra has left behind in his head. It's just that Bucky doesn't see how she's going to be able to do that...

Warnings: Ridiculous fluff and humor, that’s about it!

A/N: This is just a simple one-shot of an OC I'm currently working on. This is technically the first time I write anything for Marvel so we'll see how this goes. I just really had this little thing stuck in my head so I thought I might as well do something productive with it! It also features the other OC I'm writing for as well, paired with...well, you'll see ;)

The only real warnings here are a totally confused Bucky and a slightly annoyed Steve :)).

"I don't want to," Chloe Winters said plain and flatly when she heard the 'grand' idea her friends Steve and Seren had come up with.

Seren wasn't all that surprised by the answer, but she felt for Steve who was hoping more than anything that Chloe would be able to help them out.

"Chloe, please," he started again. "Bucky really needs your help. I need your help. He's my friend, my best friend-" he gave Chloe a pointed look, reminding her she was in the same situation with Seren, "-and he could really use some of that Chloe peacefulness."

Chloe decided to nitpick what she had heard. "That's what we're calling it? Chloe peacefulness? I know we can come up with a better name than that."

"Chloe," Seren scolded. This was no time to play games nor be sarcastic, two things Chloe loved doing.

"It's what you made me feel when I first met you," Steve reminded her. God knows he was a mess in his early days after waking up in the modern world. Seren had brought in her friend, Chloe Winters, promising him that Chloe had some special abilities that would help him ease his conflicted mind. Being from the 40s, he wasn't so sure that people actually had super powers besides the serum that he had taken. But then came along Chloe who politely told him that she could indeed open his mind. She had told him that a part of her powers helped people feel like they had talked about everything bothering them without her actually listening to those words. He would basically be able to feel like he was talking about everything bothering him, all his deepest secrets and thoughts, but Chloe wouldn't be able to actually hear them, much less see the memories. Though skeptic about it, Steve had consented to the idea and saw Chloe a few times per week to help him divulge those feelings. Each time they were done, he really did feel like a wave of peacefulness had washed over him. And when he felt confident enough, he was finally able to speak those secrets and deep thoughts out loud.

He really felt like it was what Bucky needed right now. After years, and years, of god knows what Hydra put him up to, he needed that peacefulness. He just had to convince Chloe that he was no longer a threat. "He won't hurt you," he had just began to say when Chloe cut him off.

"Oh, I know that," she surprised him with. "He's not that messed up anymore but the reason I say 'no' is not for me...it's for him." She was met with the same puzzled faces from Steve and Seren. "He did a lot of stuff that I'm sure he wants none of us to know about. What makes you think he'll be comfortable letting me into his mind? Not to mention be real close to another person?" Steve admitted that those were some very good questions she was making and unfortunately she wasn't done. "He hasn't had real, consenting human contact since he fell off that train. I don't want to partake in anything that can trigger him." Chloe reached for Steve's head with her index fingers and thumbs to remind him what exactly she was supposed to do to make that 'peacefulness' happen. "You think he'll be okay with this?"

"He's been around us for a few weeks now…" Steve said, but the manner in which he had reasoned sounded more like he was going through the facts to see if he was really making the right call here.

Yes, Bucky had been around him and Seren, Chloe and the rest of the team but if he was being honest, no there hadn't been a lot of mutual contact. He was taking things slow, understandably, but it seemed like he was stuck (also understandably). It was why Steve decided to talk to Chloe in the first place. He didn't want Bucky to be stuck in that way. He needed to heal, he had a right to.

"I think that if it's just you, he'll be fine," Steve said after a long moment of thinking. He met Chloe's doubtful eyes and firmly nodded. "You can help him like you helped me."

"Difference being your mind wasn't warped…"

"Chloe," went Seren again, sighing. "Be sensitive here."

"I am," Chloe assured her with a roll of her eyes that didn't leave Seren so convinced. "Steve, if you're that sure, I guess I can try."

Steve was truly grateful when he left Chloe to go find his best friend and tell him about his idea. Seren was...unsure how this would go, but she trusted Chloe enough to be serious when the moment called for it and this moment screamed for it.

"Scared?" Chloe shot her a smirk when she assumed what Seren was thinking.

"A bit…"

"It won't last long," Chloe said, sounding a bit too certain for Seren's liking.

"Why?"

"Because I give Bucky one week before he tells me to get lost," Chloe shrugged, her smirk turning into a laugh.

Once again, Seren sighed. "Chloe!"

~0~

She was a princess.

She was the typical woman he used to date back in the old days.

Perfect tresses of blonde curls, shiny emerald eyes, and she even had the damn rosy tinge on her cheeks. Typical. She was a sharp dresser, never once did he see her in something casual (in his short time knowing her of course). Personality wise...she was hardly serious, always making a remark about everything, and she had a smirk that rarely left her face. She was an expert at making the signature 'adorable' faces complete with the untouchable pout, and a general lack of attention - she was hardly the candidate to help him heal.

'What is Steve thinking?' was the question that kept running through Bucky's head. That was the problem - he probably wasn't thinking. For all Bucky knew, Steve could've been persuaded by the redhead with dimples to give Chloe a chance. He noticed that was a pattern between her and Steve - she showed those dimples and Steve would do whatever she wanted, and he didn't even notice it! But who was he to say something about that? Steve wasn't the one who murdered countless people, Steve hadn't destroyed so many lives...no, that was him. He had to believe that there was something Steve saw in Chloe that could help him because right now, Bucky saw nothing. But right now he had no right to do nor say anything so he would let things go and see where they went.

The first day had him waiting for Chloe in one of the training rooms of the compound. He was nervous, yes he really was, and even more so when she finally arrived. With a clearing of her throat, she approached him and started explaining what would be happening. Unknowingly, he gave the same reaction as Steve had when he first heard what Chloe could do.

"You can really do that?"

"Yup," she nodded. "But I'm warning you, I need to touch you." She put her own fingers to her temple to show him exactly what it would be like. "Is that alright?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" He asked a bit too quickly, proving her point from before.

"Because the last time somebody touched you, it was to electrify you," she smiled sarcastically, only realizing later on that this would be a moment in which Seren would scold her for being too insensitive. "You want to go for it?"

"Just like that?"

"I don't see any point in delaying it. Unless you're not...?" Chloe quickly raised her hands in front of her, sending the message that she wouldn't hold it against him if he decided not to do this.

"No, let's do it." Truthfully, Bucky still had his doubts with her but he supposed he really did lose anything if he gave this a try. He motioned Chloe to show him how to start.

With a nod, she led him towards the only chairs in the room. She grabbed one for herself and waited for Bucky to do the same. He sat down and waited for her to give him the next instructions. A part of Chloe wondered if this was just something he was so used to that he did it without realizing. She scooted her chair closer to his then raised her hands to show him she would be touching him.

It did, admittedly, make Bucky slightly nervous. Or perhaps he was on edge. His mind was that scrambled he wasn't sure which one it was. His eyes were locked on Chloe's reaching fingers. Even before they reached him, he could see the perfectly styled nails. They were painted in a bright purple.

He flinched when her fingers touched his temples. Chloe said nothing about it. She was watching him cautiously, searching for any sign that he would push her away. He didn't.

"Just relax," she instructed him and it was such a novelty hearing those words. There would be no shocks, no torture, just a supposed peacefulness.

He sniffed. "What's that smell?"

Chloe arched an eyebrow at him. "Excuse me?"

"There's a smell like..."

"It's hair perfume. It's called Argan Oil of Morocco and I'd be glad to send it over since you said 'no' to the haircut."

Bucky leaned away from her on instinct. "Sorry, was that not to your liking?"

Chloe rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. "I don't care. What I care about is that you don't move anymore!"

With a light huff, Bucky resumed his position close to her. Once more she reached forwards and placed her fingers over his temples.

"I need you to lean closer," she said.

"More?"

"Yes! I told you this would be-"

"I don't need the lectures, just do it."

"Would it kill you to be a little nicer?" The look on Bucky's face told Chloe she had made a very poor choice of words. "Okay, that was my bad. Just...closer!"

Bucky didn't know how much closer they could get. Their legs were awkwardly around each other's in an attempt to give more room. The real answer came to him when Chloe pressed her forehead to his. She had closed her eyes; whether to avoid the awkwardness or because it was part of this insane process, he didn't know. What he did know was that whatever 'hair perfume' (whatever the hell that even was) she had on was really strong. It did smell nice, though.

"Focus," he flinched when Chloe spoke again. Things had gone dead silent around them that even when she had whispered to him, it was loud.

"On what?" He tried to whisper at the volume that their silence asked for.

"Whatever you want. You have the freedom now, you get to decide what you want to share." Chloe hoped that these words truly meant something for him. Freedom was something he hadn't had in a long, long time. "And remember, I won't actually hear nor see anything."

"Really?"

"I promise."

Though reluctant, Bucky agreed to try it. He would start with something small - if he could find something like that - just to test the waters. He closed his eyes and thought about something completely away from Hydra. It was a simple childhood memory that every child had: he'd fallen and gotten a scrape on his knee. "Did you see that?" He asked after a few minutes. He opened one eye to see Chloe smiling with her eyes still shut.

"No," she said like she had already explained it...and she had. "What was it?"

"Nothing," Bucky smiled for the first time when she made a noise of offence.

"Well fine, move onto the real stuff."

"Fine," he mimicked her tone and closed his eyes seconds before she opened hers to narrow them on him. The next time he really did focus on the things that were most prominent in his mind. He never realized how time passed by because each memory took a while. Chloe said nothing about the time; it was frankly the most silent she had been since he met her.

To his mighty surprise, when they finished he really did feel that peacefulness Steve promised would happen. It was the first time in a very long time that he could say he was relaxed. He wasn't sure how long it would last but he was just happy that it happened. He was happy. That was new.

"Thanks," he said quietly, his expression still deciding if he was actually feeling those nice, happy feelings he was promised.

Chloe got up from her chair and smiled proudly. "Don't sound too unsure." At her words, he looked up at her. "It's okay, you didn't think I could actually help. Most people think I'm an idiot when they first meet me."

"I didn't..."

"Yeah you did," Chloe said so plainly and resigned that it momentarily took away that peacefulness she had given him. "Last week you gave me that look that everyone always gives me when I make a first impression on them. I'm very bad at them and usually it all ends up in the same way. I fall under the stereotype of a 'pretty blonde' who has all the beauty but no brains, so...I've learned to live with it," she shrugged. "I just care what people think about me after they get to know me. Maybe you can do that later on."

Bucky watched her turn to leave. Dammit. His track record for messing up was already massive and now he had something new to add to it. Great.

Lucky for him, Chloe kept true to her word and continued to help him out. She was very punctual and very serious throughout each session. It was a stark difference from how she acted outside the sessions. It was rather amusing having to explain to Steve's dimpled-friend - he may have appropriated a few nicknames without their knoweldge - that Chloe was helping him and not making sarcastic remarks. Dimples couldn't believe it.

"You don't have to lie to me because she's my friend," Seren assured him just in case he was having trouble speaking the truth. "Chloe has the tendency to mess around at the wrong times."

"I'm not lying," Bucky assured her. "She's doing a lot for me."

And speaking of the good helper, she was coming into the room with Steve and Sam hot on her trail. Well, it looked more like Sam was right behind her and Steve was trying to break whatever was going on.

"I refuse to go to that place," Chloe said flatly before spinning to face Sam. "It's all dirty and, not to mention, it has horrible customer service."

"I just need you for 5 minutes," Sam was saying, sounding like he was begging. "Five minutes so you can distract the brother and I can talk to his sister."

"Guys..." Steve sighed, shutting his eyes.

"What the hell am I? Your wing-man?" Chloe arched an eyebrow at Sam.

"Actually, I believe it's wing woman-"

"Shut up," she commanded so easily and swiftly it sounded like she was in charge of the whole place. What was more amusing to Bucky was that everyone actually listened to her.

"What is going on?" Seren dreaded to ask the trio.

"Sam wants me to distract the brother of this girl he's been trying to talk to at that little restaurant he likes going to," Chloe folded her arms.

"I just need her little angel face for 5 minutes!" Sam exclaimed. "That's what the brother says about her anyways."

Chloe's face fell flat at the chosen 'compliment'. "What am I? A doll?"

"Yes! But, you know, in an endearing way?"

Chloe looked at Seren and Bucky with an incredulous expression on her face. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"You're a wing-woman-" Sam tried to add but Chloe was done with him.

"Shut up!"

Steve shook his head at the two an decided to leave the pair's side. "Seren..."

"Guys," Seren clapped her hands to get the two's attention. "Seriously? Fighting over this?"

"She's my only hope," Sam argued like it was the best defense he had, the most logical one too. "She's the only one who can do it."

"No one else is willing to step up for the job?" Bucky had asked, surprising the others in the process. He didn't really partake in conversations and since he was doing it, no one would say anything about.

Sam started listing off his fingers to answer the question. "Natasha scares him, Wanda said a flatout 'no' and we all know Seren can't do it."

"Hey," Seren said with offence. "Why can't I?"

Sam said nothing but Bucky watched as he and Chloe's eyes flickered over to Steve. His best friend's face had suddenly gained a deep frown. The idea was not very well received apparently. Of course, Bucky inwardly rolled his eyes. Dimples. But she was none the wiser about it.

Sam saved Steve the torture by telling Seren, "You just can't."

Seren pouted. Bucky noted that, while still looking pretty, it wasn't the same like the one that Chloe sported.

"This is stupid," Chloe huffed. "I'm not doing it," she told Sam with a pointed look. He was to never ask that from her again.

"You are a bad friend," Sam frowned.

"I think I'm a good friend." Chloe happily corrected him and patted his cheek. "You can do better anyways - she's so rude." She started listing off the specific reasons why said rude girl wasn't the one for Sam. She would've gone on for longer had Seren not cut her off with the suggestion that she should put her time into better use by helping Bucky for the day. It definitely sounded a lot better than arguing with Sam.

The last thing Bucky and Chloe heard as they left the room together was Seren once again asking Sam why she hadn't been considered to help be this 'wing-woman' of his.

"Watch out, Steve might blow a fuse or something," Chloe laughed lightly.

Bucky laughed with her. "Yeah, Dimples got to him."

"Dimples?" Chloe sent him a bemused glance. "You gave Seren a nickname?"

"I technically gave everyone one in the beginning. My memory's not that good with names."

"Ah, so Seren is 'Dimples', what's Sam's?"

Bucky knew she specifically asked that first because of the tetchy relationship he had with the para-rescuer. "Nothing nice."

"Well I know that, but what is it?"

"...Silly-Putty-Sam."

Chloe came to an abrupt stop. "Hold on - what!?" She turned to him completely, expecting a full explanation for that chosen name. "Why on Earth is he called that?"

"Because I can and will squeeze him if he continues to annoy me," Bucky said with an all serious face.

"Aah," Chloe nodded, "That's clever. And a bit scary, not gonna lie. So...what's mine?"

"Huh?"

"Mine! What's my nickname? I really don't care if it's mean too. I've had my own nicknames for the others when they piss me off."

"I...haven't really thought of one." Bucky wasn't sure why he just lied. He most certainly had thought of one for her right from the start. She was an utter princess.

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

Lie!

"Aw," Chloe pouted. "Why?"

"Don't know..."

Stop lying! Bucky really wished he could stop lying but he didn't even know why he was lying in the first place. Was it about guilt? If it was about guilt, you wouldn't have given Sam his nickname.

Chloe left the topic alone once they reached their usual session room. It wasn't that big of a deal...to her. Bucky was still trying to figure out where the hell those lies came from and it certainly showed in his session with her. His thoughts were a bit more frazzled than normal. Chloe noticed it once or twice but she presumed it was just because the memories weren't that nice.

Still, as days continued to pass by, their sessions started to become a little less silent. They were still serious - how could they not be given the types of memories that crowded Bucky's mind? - but there was a different atmosphere around them, between them. Because Bucky still wouldn't give up his nickname to her, whether out of guilt or some other reason, he started to take more notice of her beyond the princess aspects.

She still had the necessity to make comments about everything, but some of them were actually funny. At the very least they were amusing and God knew that he could use some amusement in his life. The best part was that a lot of her comments were directed at Sam and she was good at them. She was incredibly intelligent and he dared to say it wasn't solely because of that Hive Mind she was a part of. No, she was smart all on her own. She gave Stark a run for his money sometimes.

And perhaps one of the things he was most aware of was how nice she smelled. It was ridiculous to pay attention to such a detail but it was just so prominent. Maybe it was because how close they always were during his sessions but the fact was that Chloe Winters smelled like a sweet flowers. Violets? Orchids? Lilies? All of them. She smelled like all of them. Couple that with that stupid Moroccan hair perfume of hers and...

Oh God he needed to stop. Each session gave him the chance to think up something new about her, whether it was how she dressed or a new quirk he found...he thought of it. It came to the point that his thoughts began to shift towards her instead of the usual Hydra things stuffed in his head.

"You're not focusing," Chloe's sudden comment startled him and she noticed. With a chuckle, she leaned away from him, revealing bemused eyes. Sparkly eyes, mind you. "Did I seriously just startle you?"

"Be quiet," was the first thing that came to Bucky's mind and, unfortunately, out loud. Chloe merely rolled her eyes in response. "I have a lot on my mind."

"Clearly," she muttered. "That's kinda why I'm here, genius. I'm supposed to help you sort those thoughts out."

"Somehow I don't think you'll be able to do that." Truer words had never been spoken.

"What?" She lifted an eyebrow at him. "Are you doubting my talents again? I can help, you know. Come here," she made a motion for him to assume the usual position. She scooted her chair closer to his and leaned her head towards him.

Bucky didn't move. He was actually wanting to lean back.

"C'mon!" Chloe exclaimed. "I'm not afraid to pull you!"

"Not like you could," he countered, immediately making a frown cross her face.

"What was that?" Ah, there went the eyebrow again.

"Nothing," he mumbled. He had to get a grip or something.

"Seriously, c'mon," she motioned him to lean forwards.

With a sigh, Bucky listened. He pressed his forehead against hers. He soon started wondering if he'd always been able to feel her breath against him? His thoughts were momentarily interrupted when Chloe's fingers touched his skin. Were they tracing his temples?

"Focus," Chloe instructed him.

"Right," he agreed, or rather tried to agree with her. Where did all of this come from!? He wasn't like this, not at all, not even before everything happened.

"You're not focusing."

Bucky opened his eyes to find Chloe's staring right at him. "I'm not?" He asked, unusually quiet.

"No," she said, just as quiet as he had. She was trying to figure out on her own what was wrong with him today. Sure there were things that would clearly affect his mood when these sessions happened but she felt like there was something extra today. It worried her, actually. Why wasn't she able to help this time? She could fail at a lot of things but not this. It was too important to get it wrong. "Hey, seriously, what's wrong? I want to help you."

"I don't think you can..." Bucky said slowly as if he was just realizing this, and maybe he was. Unfortunately with little context to those words, Chloe misunderstood him.

"Oh. You don't think I'm capable of doing it."

"No, that's not i-"

"I get it. Believe me, it's not the first time. I swear I'm capable of many things. Plus, I know a thing or two about having your mind invaded." Chloe offered him a warm smile. "I have so many things going on in my head, you might as well chalk me up as insane."

"You're not insane," Bucky shook his head. That was the last thing he wanted her to get from this awkward moment. "And you've been helping me a lot, trust me."

"I do," she said with a significant look in her eyes. It was hard knowing that most people couldn't trust him because he himself couldn't trust himself not to hurt someone. She knew that and she wanted him - needed him - to know that she wasn't part of 'most people'. Oh, need? That's weird. She cleared her throat, ignoring the light warmth on her face. "Listen, we don't have to do this today. We can pick up tomorrow. Sound good?"

"Yes," Bucky quickly said. Maybe by tomorrow he could get himself under control. Yes, yes, yes, he could. He could do that.

"Alright." Chloe pushed her chair away and got up. "Oh, maybe you can use this spare time to come up with a nickname for me! You know I've been waiting for one."

"Right," Bucky mumbled. He was terrible even at that because he couldn't give her another name. Princess had somehow, at some point, shifted from a superficial name to a more...endearing one. It was hard to admit it but it was the truth. "Dammit."

He really hated Steve right now. Out of everyone he had to have Chloe be the one to help him. He got the princess and now it seemed like she had him.

Author's Note:

Okay so I'm not sure if I should add a small part 2. I'll probably think about it. But thanks for the read!

[georgetownuniversitypress]

Darcy Lear: What will you take back to the face-to-face language classroom post-pandemic?

Like so many educators who’ve moved first to emergency remote teaching then to something more like online teaching, I have been overwhelmed by the information coming at me. At first, I eagerly attended all the Zoom workshops I could to get over the learning curve. Then I settled into a holding pattern that fit within my comfort zone for the online venue. Now I try limit my time on Zoom to the hours I am teaching or otherwise engaging with students.

Once the clutter and confusion cleared a bit, I was able to start to look ahead toward a return to face-to-face teaching. And what I’ve realized is that emergency remote teaching reminds me of some of the most important basics of language education—things I want to take back to the in-person classroom as soon as that is possible.

Here are a few of the things I am doing now that I want to keep doing post-pandemic:

1.     Keep it simple—technology edition

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And just because a technology exists, doesn't mean you should incorporate it into your classes—especially during forced online teaching due to a pandemic.  

I have necessarily added the online teaching platform used by my campus: Zoom. Otherwise, students and I are using the same tech we've always used—the campus online learning system and the publisher's online textbook and workbook materials.  I know Flipgrid and Flippity and Padlet and Panopto and Quizlet and twelve different recording and transcribing options exist. I believe that some are great pedagogical tools and have true potential in the language classroom. But not now. There have been enough learning curves during the pandemic.

Takeaway Don't use bells and whistles gratuitously. Identify your problem first, then solve it using technology if and only if it meets your needs.

2.     Keep it simple—curriculum edition 

Simplify, simplify, simplify. Are high-stakes tests feasible in the new venue? Do I really need 8-10 course components? Are my own pedagogical materials consistent across different documents and platforms? 

The first two questions were a pleasure to address when we were first forced online in spring 2020: high-stakes chapter tests and the final exam were eliminated and replaced by low-stakes daily online quizzes (this is stuff we've known is better for a long, long time). These were 5-10 item assessments closely tied to content covered in that day's class. I told students, "If you can't complete those quizzes without resources, that's a red flag for you. Did you miss class and so it makes sense that it was hard? Do you need to brush up on a grammar point? Do you need to meet with me outside of online class? Did you forget to do the online homework (from which some quiz items are copied and pasted)?" This is what assessment is for—to measure student progress and see if they are ready to move on.

In the meantime, students’ course-long blogs and research projects formed the kind of project-based portfolio assessment we also have known for a long, long time is a better way to assess student learning than a lot of our old-school achievement tests (the kinds of tests people are fretting over how to administer securely online while ‘monitoring cheating’).

I folded some course components, such as recorded TalkAbroad conversations, into students’ portfolio projects so that students reported on them within the regular blog posts they were doing instead of in separate assignments.  

By the time the spring 2020 course started, there were three major course components: textbook content, an online blog, and a research project. There were a total of 5 grading categories: daily quizzes, daily blog posts, in-class mini-presentations, a course-long research project, and a final presentation of the research project.

A single thread ran through the entire course so that the work to prepare for class led smoothly into the synchronous class period, which was followed by homework and assessments that reviewed all the content before repeating the cycle. Even though this is how it’s supposed to always work, it felt more focused and streamlined than any face-to-face course I've taught in recent memory.

In cleaning up my pedagogical materials, I developed a kind of check list: Do I even need to keep this content? Is there a way to fold this material into something else (portfolio assessments, online quizzes)? Do I use the names I have for assignments consistently? Do they make sense? Why were assignments described as "personal readings" in course documents and grade book columns years after they'd become "blog entries" in practice? Ditto for "documents 1-5" that were really "research project" components. Getting ready to engage in emergency remote teaching forced me to revisit a lot of content that worked inside my own head but didn't make a lot of sense to anyone else, something I know is an issue when designing pedagogical materials, writing instructions, writing academic articles—you name it!

Takeaway Can I simplify logistics for students? Can the various bits and pieces be streamlined so it makes more sense to students and flows better for all of us?

3.     Keep it simple—classroom edition

As the teacher, do most of your work outside of class. With emergency remote teaching, most of my time was dedicated to planning before class, then grading and meeting with students after. In the online class sessions, I mostly just set up activities for students then hang out and listen to them interact. Occasionally, I interrupt to correct or explain, but mostly I wait for students to self-correct or reach out to me for clarification. I’ve noticed a lot more self-correction when I gave students the time and space to do it—well, Zoom did that for me.  

This experience has reminded me of the kind of planning and preparing required of a novice teacher.  I set up my lesson plan, re-visit it after a day or so, then run through it before class starts to make sure I have everything ready to go on my laptop: 

Is the ebook opened to the first page I'll     reference? 

Do students have the link to the Google doc I'll     ask them to use? 

Do I have the PDF opened and ready to click     on? 

Is the PowerPoint presentation launched?

Do I know when I'm going to use breakout rooms     and how many I will need?

At the beginning of each class, I share my screen to show students the lesson plan and run through the major topics as well as assignments that are due soon. It begs the question: why haven’t I been sharing my lesson plans with students all along?

Getting everything set up seems to take more time and energy than the Zoom session itself, but in the Zoom session I also shed the novice teacher and settle into the role of experienced teacher.  

As soon as a Zoom class ends, I go back into planning mode—I post the day's lesson plan and homework online for students to reference, then I prepare the first draft of the next session's lesson plan.  Before I polish the next plan, I spend a lot of time grading—reading/watching students' work, making individual comments on it, and checking their progress with online activities and assessments. In the process, I make sure the homework and quizzes align well with the class sessions (something I haven't dedicated enough time to in face-to-face teaching over the past decade or so). 

Takeaway Be transparent with students. Make most of your work happen in the prep and follow-up so class time can focus on smooth student activities.

4.     Let students learn by doing: Be the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage

Zoom is a horrible venue for "teacher at the front of class soliciting responses from individual students"—but so is a classroom if your goal is for students to build communicative competence in the language. But in classrooms it's very easy to fall into old-school patterns of the teacher doing too much of the talking. Online teaching—where everyone is disembodied and there are awkward pauses combined with people talking over each other—forces me to abandon any remnants of the Atlas complex. If I'm talking on Zoom it's very obvious I'm delivering a lecture or a teacher presentation.

I do talk to the whole group at the beginning and end of each Zoom session, with some teacher-like explanations peppered throughout the entire course. But most of the time spent on Zoom has been students in breakout rooms interacting with each other in Spanish—sometimes discussing textbook content in groups, sometimes preparing brief presentations to give to the whole class, sometimes with student discussion leaders who are formally assessed on their performance. I pop in but try to leave myself on mute.  

Takeaway Find a way to put myself "on mute."

5.     Be flexible and go easy on yourself and others 

Right now we’re in a pandemic, but in "normal times" there are always some individuals who are navigating crises. We don't need to know the details, but we can make interactions with us easier instead of harder—extend deadlines, take late work, allow students to make up tests, and be understanding when they have to miss class. 

Takeaway Nobody needs a punitive work or learning environment—ever. Be flexible. Go easy on yourself and others.

Darcy Lear has a PhD in Foreign and Second Language Education from the Ohio State University and teaches Spanish at the University of Chicago. She regularly gives presentations on teaching strategies to departments around the country and has developed languages for special purposes courses at several institutions. Lear is also a career coach, helping people to position themselves to use their language skills in rewarding careers. She is the author of Integrating Career Preparation into Language Courses.

[casual-minority]

10 Great Tips to Get Gorgeous Wedding Flowers

From the rings to the shoes, from the food to the flowers, weddings come at no little cost. It just bodes well that current ladies and grooms-to-be are deciding to penny-squeeze at every possible opportunity. Wedding flowers regularly become the principal setback of a financial plan disapproved of couple's marital plans, yet there are numerous little-known techniques which will permit you to shower your function with botanical rapture and not burn up all available resources. Utilize these incredible tips to limit spending and get the greatest value for your money!

1. Pick Flowers in Season

This is a basic cash saver. It is additionally important to remember that flowers look and smell best when they are new and in season. This is particularly valid for roses. However, if you have your heart set on a specific flower that holds wistful incentive for you, it is shrewd to plan your service around the time span it will be in occasional sprout.

Despite the fact that flowers in season will give you a beautifully scented bouquet, use alert with the flowers you decide to include in any highlights at your gathering. The aromas that come from flowers as gardenia, jasmine or freesia can be overpowering and may not be the most ideal decision for eating tables. Overwhelming flowers may likewise work up any sensitivities that your visitors may have.

2. Do it without anyone's help

While thinking about the overwhelming assignment of planning and planning the wedding decorative layouts all alone, set aside the effort to fully consider the entirety of the duties that will accompany such an errand. Inquiries that you should pose to yourself are:

o Am I sufficiently inspired?

o Will I have sufficient opportunity to orchestrate bouquets/focal points before the service?

o How much cash will I save versus how much work is included?

Numerous ladies locate that, in light of a legitimate concern for setting aside cash, they wind up learning a costly exercise. It is important to recollect the numerous difficulties engaged with organizing what might be the main occasion of your life. You might have the option to locate a family member or individual from the marriage party who would assist you with gathering your decorative designs and bouquets. Think about the pleasant you would have spending your last days as a single girl with your closest companions!

If you get yourself adequately enterprising to go only it, there are numerous snappy courses in flower plan that are accessible through nearby junior colleges and expressions and-artworks stores, for example, Michaels.

The web is an awesome asset to exploit, also! Sites, for example, save-on-crafts.com offer free instructional exercises that will reveal to you not just which flowers work best in a bouquet, yet give significant advances intended to help you set up your arrangements successfully. You may likewise need to check for wedding services that will be hung around the same time as yours. Odds are acceptable that you could share the cost of the service flowers with another couple appearing to be identical!

Remember, however, that regardless of whether picking the "spending marriage bouquet", recollect that it is an exceptionally key part of the wedding and should be an outflow of the lady of the hour's character. Attempt to keep a feeling of harmony between the wedding outfit, the bridesmaid's outfits, the service flowers and beautifications and the bouquet.

Starting there, different flowers, for example, the bridesmaid's flowers, the flowers at the gathering can follow the subject and assume the components of the lady's bouquet. Current tones for 2006 are chocolate with pale pink, baby blue or mint green. Shadings by and large follow the patterns of inside planning.

Talk with a florist. This could cost up to $100 in conference charges, yet their abundance of information makes certain to add an expert clean to the completed item. If you consider the way that florists can by and large charge multiple times the value that a distributer would and charge extra work costs for planning and gathering the flowers, you would in any case be setting aside cash.

[gay-jesus-probably]

When trying to change your perspective and unlearn harmful behavior, the most important thing to remember is that the human brain does not like being confused. If you act on an irrational impulse or subconscious belief, you’re not going to be able to instantly realize you’re in the wrong; your brain will come up with excuses to rationalize your behavior.

Most people have a loose understanding of the concept of the left brain vs the right brain. But what isn’t commonly known is that the two halves are essentially two completely different entities that just happen to work together - we basically have two brains, which are connected by the corpus callosum, a nerve tract that allows the two halves to communicate. One experimental treatment for epilepsy is to sever the corpus callosum, which permanently separates the two halves of the brain. On the one hand, the split brain patients did stop having seizures. But they also found their limbs began having disagreements with each other - they’d take a Snickers bar off a shelf with their right arm, and their left arm would slap it out of their hand and grab a Twix. And this was a common experience with all split brain patients - the two hemispheres could no longer communicate, so they would make different decisions. It’s worth noting what we perceive as ‘thought’ all comes from the left brain. Both hemispheres are capable of analyzing input and making decisions, but only the left brain can put it into words. When the corpus callosum is intact, there’s no problem; the right brain passes its conclusions over to the left, who translates it into thoughts. But when the right brain can’t communicate what it’s thinking, its response to stimuli seems to come right the fuck out of nowhere, which split brain patients can find confusing and annoying. In the earlier example with the chocolate bars, the split brain patient didn’t suddenly lose control of their left arm; it’s just that their left brain thought “I want a Snickers” and grabbed one, but their right brain wanted a Twix and didn’t like being ignored.

But the brain doesn’t like doing things without a clear reason. Studies have been done with split brain patients where a question or instruction is put on a screen only their left eye can see (as the right brain handles the left side of the body, and vice versa). The right brain is asked to pick up an object, and the left hand picks it up. Since the two halves of the brain can’t communicate, and the right brain is effectively mute, the left brain has no idea why its body suddenly decided to pick up that specific object. Except when the patient is asked why they picked that up, the answer is never actually “I don’t know”. Instead, they’ll say they wanted a better look at it, or they were curious about it. They don’t know they were asked to pick it up, but they’re not technically lying - the left brain saw its body acting without any obvious input, and made up a narrative to justify its actions. 

So bearing that in mind, let’s say there’s a white person working in retail. They’re a progressive person, and actively try to combat racism, but on some level they’ve absorbed the extremely pervasive stereotype that black people are untrustworthy criminals. They don’t agree with that belief, and they’d throw hands if someone claimed it was a fact, but on some level it’s gotten lodged in their subconscious. One day at work while more or less running on autopilot they accuse a black patron of shoplifting, without any evidence. The white employee isn’t thinking “I’m going to be racist” or “That black person must be stealing”. The human brain loves finding patterns, and in this case their subconscious made a connection using bad information, then unfortunately acted on it. Now the employee’s paying attention, and the only explanation for their actions is “I am racially profiling”, but that’s not an explanation they can accept. They don’t believe black people are criminals, and they’re against racial profiling, so it’s unlikely their brain will even consider that as an explanation.

So their brain comes up with a narrative to justify its actions. They wouldn’t just accuse someone of stealing for no reason, so the black patron must have been acting suspicious. Even when the patron proves they weren’t shoplifting, the employee will walk away feeling like they had a reasonable reaction to a suspicious customer... while the black patron is left rightfully pissed off about being accused over literally nothing, and correctly assumes they were racially profiled. The employee won’t realize they were out of line until much later, if they ever do at all.

Which isn’t to say that people can’t help their shitty actions, or that acting on subconscious prejudice isn’t a bad thing. The point is that the human brain likes a clean narrative, and it automatically smooths over plot holes and justifies actions that contradict your perception of yourself. So when you’re trying to be a better person, or trying to unlearn toxic habits, you need to pay attention to your actions and question the real motives behind them. Was that person of color acting suspicious, or is your brain trying to justify acting on a subconscious prejudice? Is your best friend a chronic liar, or is your brain trying to rationalize why you broke down crying over them cancelling your plans to hang out tomorrow? Is the top student in your class an arrogant jerk, or did your brain make up a reason for you to hate them without admitting to being jealous?

The human brain is an unreliable narrator. Remember to read between the lines.

[handmadecp]

‘Leaf’ Pouch, full Build along.

Hi guys, This week I’ve been busy with lots of little projects, all of which I will show on here all in good time. Also busy right now trying to go Self Employed with this which takes forever to sort out here in the uk because there ‘is’ help...but not much and what there is takes a long time to get, anyhoooo, moving on to the fun stuff. Some of you may have seen a few W.i.P’s added to keep you all up to date on whats actually going on, I hope you are enjoying the short snap shots through out the week, I thought it might grab your interest and also just to give you a quick taster of the coming blog.  So here it is, the ‘Leaf’ pouch build. This build is ok to try if you are a beginner...but probably more suits people wo have had some experience with stitching, dying, cutting with a swivel knife and tooling. I am now four years into my Journey into this amazing craft but still learning new stuff all the time, so although there will be projects that may seem a bit advanced for Beginners, I will still be alternating between the ‘Beginner’ projects, intermediate and advanced ( As I learn more I will share.) So , lets get on. I First Purchased for about £3.50 (Uk) from a great Lady goes by the name of ‘Downtoearthcreations’ you can find her on Youtube she is a prolific maker and sells some great patterns and has build along tutorials I’d advise you to go have a look, I then down loaded the Pattern.

First go to Downtoearthcreations on youtube, find the Leaf bag tutorial video and the purchase this pattern, it’s not expensive and is very easy to follow.

I then cut all the pieces out as shown here and stuck them together where needed with decorators paper tape....why?...coz that’s what I had, no other reason. then Transfer the pattern shapes to the leather of your choice, I used a 2-3 mm veg tan, it takes tooling well, but just be careful, it’s not very thick, don’t press the swivell knife too hard or else it will go right through, how do I know this...guess. Well that’s not hard to guess, Yes I cut through my first one, I’ve always said I will mention successes and failures on here, it’s the only way to learn I think.

For any really ‘New’ people who maybe don’t know yet what ‘Casing’ means I’ll quickly explain, it just means ‘wetting’ the leather to a ‘certain’ point of saturation..NOT..completely saturated as you might do for wet molding, but that’s a whole other thing. so for now just wet it evenly, whenever I wet leather I usually wet it all over , even the areas that I won’t be tooling, I have learned from other more experienced folk that if you only wet the area you need, you can end up with a ‘tide’ line and the water actually does darken the leather so when you come to dye it the will be a difference in shade between the area that was wetted and the one that wasn’t. some people don’t mind it...but personally, I wet it all over, your choice. Then you have to leave it until it almost looks dry again, then it’s ready for cutting and tooling. First you need to draw your veins on the leaf, you can free hand this part if you are confident enough or trace the given pattern with a ball point stylus tool or similar to get the pattern on the leather, then, use the swivell knife to cut in your design, adding any extra veins or cuts you might like. Take a Pear shader tool as shown above and using the bigger edge..’smash’...in a controlled way...the edges of the leaf as shown above..

Here you can see how I’ve gone all around the edges and basically flattened them, also here the ‘veins’ have been cut into the leather it’s now ready to tool it. You can leave it exactly like this as it will still look great but for a little extra ‘depth’ to the design I’m tooling mine.

Here I’ve decided after several ‘Coats of Looking at’..that I wanted the veins to really stand out so made a second cut as seen here,

Once the veins are all tooled with the beveler (Number B802) I dampened it a bit more..not a lot as before because it still retains some moisture and I just want to mould it a bit not soak it. (This molding is completely different to ‘Wet Molding’ as such, as with wet moulding you are shaping pouches and bags etc...this is just a thin leaf. If you do think you have over watered it, just leave it to dry off for a while at room temprature, don’t try putting it in the oven or under the grill or using a heat gun..as you will make it solid and brittle...again..yes..I know because I’ve done just that in the past, luckily..I do learn from my mistakes. I then manipulates the leaf into a more acceptable shape, I did this several times before getting a shape that pleased me.

Look closely you will notice I added some small ‘cuts’, just my own preference, you decide what you want if making one of these yourself.

I Layed down lots of paper, got myself gloved up, had some paper towels and old cloths handy, a small tub of water and a sponge, then I got out the Gel Antique dye, made by Eco-Flo. I decided on a Dark Brown. Couple of things here if you’ve never used Gel Antique dyes...firstly get some gloves on because this stuff will dye you and take weeks of hard scrubbing to get off. secondly, this is expensive stuff..for a reason, it actually works. I love it, but you have to get a whole bunch of it on your sponge to then spread it on your piece in circular motion as fast as you can..because then you need to get off the eccess with your towels, the reason is because the antique dyes go darker the longer its on, so get it on...get it off, if not dark enough for you then repeat until it is. this stuff also buffs up really nice. A good video on YT to watch is by a guy called Chuck Dorset at Weaver Leather Craft , go watch him first if you’ve never done this before. If it all looks a bit dark when you’ve finished don’t worry, antique gel dyes can be toned down by wiping with a ‘Damp’ cloth or sponge until it is a shade you like. You also don’t want this stuff on your clothes or furniture...you have been warned ( hahahaha ). Good luck...the  results are worth it.

See how it’s getting lighter as it dries out.

I Like to use a piece of Canvas cloth to buff up my projects, it almost Burnishes them as seen here. note how I’ve twisted some of the ends of the leaf points, the Lady at Backtoearthcreations taught me that neat little trick on her YT video...once again..I advise you go have a look you’ll enjoy it.

So now we need to think about the stitch holes, I’ve used quite a wide gapped stitch iron as you can see on the following pic’, this is so that when it’s stitched we get the ‘style’ that I want. keep going you’ll see at the end. First I put stitch holes in the front piece, then laid that in position and made the first four holes just to give me the opposite position. I did use a Divider to draw a line to keep my stitch holes straight if you zoom in on the next pic you can see the line, this will be hidden by the thread when finished.

I have also made a strap loop which comes with the pattern, my advice...make it slightly longer so that a 2″ belt will fit through it. it’s ok as is...if you just rivit it ‘flat’ but if you want the extra ‘look’ you get from bending the strap over as shown here it can get a bit tight...your choice. I used a couple antique brass rivits top and bottom to hold it in place. Oh..nearly forgot, by this stage I had already coated with resolene to ‘fix’ the dye, but I guess you can do it at the end too. I dyed the flap side of the pouch on the inside dark because if you twist the leaf points you can see the ‘flesh’ color, didn’t want that, but I left the inside of the front peace ‘flesh’ colored and untouched so that when searching in the pouch in bad light it helps to light the inside of the pouch a little, just another little tip I got from someone far more experienced which I’m happy to pass on to you. I would have left it all flesh colored if not for the leaf points.

I decided to use an antique brass snap stud as a fastener for this pouch, so punch the hole BEFORE you start putting it all together...it’s just easier. ( guess how I know ???...hahahaha...yup you guessed it..what can I say..I didn’t have people pointing this stuff out to me, but hopefully by sharing my mistakes it will save you from doing the same thing..)

Not everyone has a snap stud fitting machine but the hand tools are easy to learn.

Starting to look like a pouch a bit more now.

So, all the pieces are almost ready, just the Gusset to make now, I chose a soft leather in Maroon color as seen here, again I drew a line about a quarter inch in as a stitch hole guide. The gusset section is deliberately cut a bit longer than needed and will be trimmed once done.

Finally it’s time to stitch it all together, I chose a veg tan flesh colored Lace and I had to stitch it all by hand with nothing more than a scratch awl to widen the holes. ( As I didn’t have the necessary Flat Lacing needle at the time ) but I personally enjoy stitching without a needle. so, I lined up the gusset, at this point you may do well to have the ‘Down to earth’ Leaf Bag Tutorial on as she demonstrates quite well how to begin the stitch which is a little difficult for me to explain on here. Ok, so once you’ve watched how she starts the stitch off you are basically ‘away’ and just keep going to the end and tie off as shown on the YT instructional video.

Here you can see the scratch awl in my hand whilst I’m ‘gently’ pulling the Lacing tight. Use good quality lace as there’s nothing more annoying than it keep snapping when you tighten it.

Really starting to come together now, the contrast between the Maroon and the antique colors is amazing...well, to me at least. Here now you can see why I used a wide gap stitching iron for the holes, it leaves a nice gap between each stitch which adds to the over all look of the project.

Here I’m trying to show how I finished off the stitching on this side of the gusset. as I came through with the last four stitches I pulled extra thread through so I could widen them on the inside allowing me to back thread the lace as shown here, I then pulled it through and snipped it off.

Then I went back and pulled all of the four stitched tight to hold the cut off end tightly. there are more than four widened here but as you saw I threaded it through four, you can do two if you like but I felt that four would hold better.

I then just snipped the end .

I slotted it in place and ‘snapped it closed just to get an idea how it was looking and have to say I was very happy at this point.

Then it was on to side two.

Annnnd..’Voila’ one really nice Leaf Bag / Pouch suitable for every day wear if you are into that sort of thing, or Renaissance / Larping / fancy Dress / medievel / basically any kind of costume event even Steam Punk if you just added some Steam punky bits to it. Well guys there you have it another little project from our new workshop, many more still to come, I’ll keep showing little snap shots through out the week to give a taste of whats going on in the w/shop just to show what I’m getting up to. Hope you have enjoyed this build along set, also hope you have a go yourself and as always I’m free to answer any questions and always happy to receive constructive advice. I’m still not professional, still learning and still sharing it all after nearly four years...yes my little Blog will be four years old next month. Till next time then, Stay crafty and watch this space.

[antiporn-activist]

Not my work, found on Facebook

“So I decided to do a little research into the $750/day figure I’d heard a private company was charging the US government per each detained migrant child. I wanted to, with my own eyes and brain, 1. verify this figure was accurate; 2. verify it was indeed a private company instead of a non-profit charging this, if true, as both have managed these detention centers (not that it really matters, ultimately, but stay with me); 3. try to figure out where this per diem sum — more than my monthly mortgage — was going, if not to even buy these tortured children toothbrushes and soap, which are about the cheapest basic necessities on the market, and which no individual has to replace every day.

$750/person A DAY should cover a lot of necessities, right? Right. So where the hell is all this money going? This can’t be true...

Well here’s what I found:

1. Yes, it’s a private company called Comprehensive Health Services (a subsidiary of Caliburn International). CHS operates the largest child migrant detention center, which is in FL and was already getting horrible press — especially from local FL papers — last year. But that didn’t matter, because CHS recently opened up a few more child prisons in TX, as it snagged a new government contract, despite many documented concerns about conditions there.

2. $750/day per child is an accurate sum of CHS’s CLAIMED operating costs, and what our federal tax dollars are paying for. A sum that was agreed to upon award of the contract. In fact, it was actually on the record as $775 last summer.

3. So where is this money going, you wonder, if not to soap and toothbrushes? Yeah, I did too, and it was quite easy to dig up. CHS, via Caliburn, is controlled by the private equity firm DC Capital Partners. For those of you who don’t know how private equity firms work, look it up, or ask me in the comments.

4. While I would not be able to find out vested shareholders in the DCCP portfolio, we do not have to assume they’re making some nice returns on these CHS operations and government contracts that line their pockets instead of covering even basic human needs for children. That’s clear, because why would a private company keep their costs down so low that they completely disregard humanity, even though they say they’re experts in “healthcare?”

PROFIT. FOR THEIR PRIVATE INVESTORS.

5. While I can’t name for you the private investors getting rich off of this humanitarian crisis, I can name for you members of the advisory board of DCCP, which approves everything in the portfolio.

First up: Trump’s former Chief of Staff, John Kelly, who was named to the board LAST MONTH, and photographed riding a golf cart into a CHS child prison. So with his own eyes, he saw the conditions there. And he was cool with it all, because hey, there’s money to be made for his rich investor friends, and maybe even himself! Who knows! Can’t say for sure, so feel free to reasonably assume what you wish. I’m just stating facts here.

Coincidentally, prior to joining Trump in the WH, he was also a paid lobbyist for DCCP. Hmmmm...

6. So next up on the DCCP board: Richard L. Armitage, former U.S. deputy secretary of state; Michael Corbin; former ambassador to the United Arab Emirates; Michael V. Hayden, former director of the Central Intelligence Agency and of the National Security Agency; Donald M. Kerr Jr., former deputy director of science and technology at the CIA; Anthony C. Zinni, former commander-in-chief of the U.S. Central Command and former U.S. Envoy to the Middle East; and Stephen F. Loftus, former director of the Office of the Budget for the United States Navy.

Are y’all seeing any patterns here?

7. Michael Hayden, last June, said on the record he sees “commonality” between Nazi Germany’s separation of children at concentration camps and the Trump administration policy that is forcing children to be separated from their parents at the U.S.-Mexico border.

"I know we’re not Nazi Germany, alright. But there is a commonality there, and a fear on my part ... We have standards we have to live up to,” Hayden told CNN’s “New Day.”

It appears he left those standards at the boardroom door, along with many other individuals that dance with greed and corruption on the line of the private and public sectors COMPLETELY UNCHECKED.

8. Last month, the same month Kelly got his new gig, the government awarded CHS a brand new, hush-hush contract worth $341 million, even though there had been tons of pressure to close it due to its conditions.

THERE WAS NO COMPETITIVE BIDDING FOR THE CONTRACT, and it happened under the radar.

9. Just two months before this, in March, CHS/Caliburn cancelled its IPO after registering with the SEC to sell $100m public shares. The CEO cited “market forces,” yet made it clear the company was thriving and growing.

——————

I’ll leave you to come to your own conclusions about all of this, or do more research. And I’ll post a ton of sources in the comments for those who actually think this administration is “draining the swamp,” or who want to debate the semantics of whether these ”centers” can reasonably be called child concentration camps or not without offending some non-brown people.

And for those of you who think children don’t deserve the most basic human rights because they’re not American: There’s a special place in hell for you, and I imagine hell to be a whole lot like this situation.

For those of you who are cool lining the pockets of private citizens in DC with YOUR tax dollars while dirty, hungry, sick children live imprisoned and stacked in cages without even a dime of your money going to pay for soap and toothbrushes for these kids like it was supposed to: I’m ashamed to share this country with you as legal citizens, and I think you’re disgustingly dumb. We failed you, too, but at least you got to go to school when you were a kid, and didn’t spend childhood dying in a cage.

America, NONE OF THIS IS OK. WAKE UP.”

——————

FRIDAY NIGHT UPDATE (!!)

1. As mentioned upon writing this, I originally posted my sources at the beginning of the comments thread at time of publishing -- before it became a large discussion. For your convenience and further reading, I am now moving my sources here + some extra homework for everyone to do (no particular order):

https://www.bloomberg.com/profile/company/CLBR:US

https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/immigration/article229744049.html

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/john-kelly-joins-board-of-caliburn-international-company-operating-largest-unaccompanied-migrant-children-shelter/

https://news.littlesis.org/2019/02/13/wall-street-banks-former-defense-officials-looking-to-cash-in-on-child-detentions/?fbclid=IwAR3VPG3U1VqOlHvAus6mZwT5X42YR0946O-9ALtwFh-P-2i8P_ZxLQ8QvwE

https://thehill.com/latino/392727-hayden-sees-commonality-between-zero-tolerance-border-policy-and-nazi-germany?fbclid=IwAR1XcPVz72-f1ju70gdibR-H6-3tI8dOh_9yqfjZtNx-kfQJb6AMuf-gemI

https://www.npr.org/2019/02/13/694175061/florida-shelter-is-scrutinized-for-the-way-it-handles-migrant-children?fbclid=IwAR2Sq1vPOSLs0LPxkI6723lMKipsI12orZWMqxSzw9kqUqqTfM18gpo6xaU

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/21/us/migrant-shelters-border-crossing.html

https://heavy.com/news/2019/05/caliburn-international/?fbclid=IwAR1tsUMn2noGPGWEZxdwOlGwwCj-eDjaIR2I2pCNPd6qgehjCKs0lJpIJuQ

https://www.thedailybeast.com/doj-is-investigating-whether-us-payoffs-to-iraqi-officials-opened-the-door-for-isis?fbclid=IwAR2fXGNE328gvAi6bp7mD7SzKYo5wCY-x2lODw4fKDNrssupd-FGcOfmjnY

https://thebaffler.com/latest/retirement-brought-to-you-by-prisons-inc?fbclid=IwAR3STKgqiMOtVUho4QPq21zXRNovBl8_gvKpFdX3rUWahrOuZmBLJ9pO_m0

https://www.floridatoday.com/story/news/local/2018/06/20/cape-canaveral-detention-center/717375002/

https://www.chsmedical.com/compliance

The people have spoken, so hope that helps you all wrap your minds around this in a more complete and credible way. Thank you to all who have participated in civil dialogue and shared this post. Let's keep it constructive, as we do not need to be even more destructive than the current situation.

2. THE POST IS ALREADY PUBLIC + SHAREABLE. Please do not ask me if you can share it -- I made it public, which is why you can see it. You should be able to share the original version. If you can't, refresh your app, run your updates or make sure you aren't still viewing a friend's protected share of the original itself. There is no possible way I can instruct all individuals on how to share it -- but I appreciate all of you who are moved by these words, and want to raise awareness about this distressing situation.

3. Your concern has given me hope. Do your homework. Look into your group investment portfolios, pensions, etc. Know where your money is invested. Call your legislators. Do anything but freak out to the point of being unproductive and histrionic. DO ANYTHING BUT BE AWFUL TO EACH OTHER.

Thank you. We are in this together.

From the Facebook page of Emily Price.

[rigelmejo]

Ok adjustment to suddenly no flashcards is strangely weird I think it’s cause I grinded too much. On the upside, if I suddenly slack off then it’s not like it was a priority ovo)/

So I got the better version of the SpoonFed Chinese anki deck today, it’s 8000 cards. A lot of it is very basic for me. but I figure it’s still good comprehension practice, good for reviewing words I know in context (instead of in isolation), good for me practicing shadowing and production, good for me practicing seeing correct grammar.

I’m using the settings: good for good, again for the ones I need review. I heard that’s the best for the “Lazy Anki” mass immersion approach setup. I am also using easy for the cards I ALREADY KNOW completely. Because it’s fine if their intervals are huge - I know them already. Also I would like to normally use the option of 20 cards a day. I’m just bulking it up rn because I know most of the sentences and want to speed through all the completely known ones.

I’m toggling with the deck a bit - because when I learn the deck it gives me very basic sentences I could probably skip. But when I went through it in the Browse area and tried to ‘suspend’ cards I knew so I can save them in case I want them, but have them not be in my learning/reviews - I saw a lot of sentences that went from simple to complex fast! Like 1 new word or grammar point building from the prior sentence. So together studied in order, every sentence is easy - but if I came across one right away, it might have 3-4 things I don’t know in it. I’m not sure if it takes a couple hundred cards in to start seeing this? But I figure if these cards are really building off each other, I might as well just keep most of them. Even the ones I know completely are good production practice and good review. I’m also contemplating ‘suspending’ all the Card 2 types In my deck that prompt with English first. I decided ultimately to leave them for now - since they give me practice on production. But if I find they bother me, I’m suspending them since they just cover the same material twice.

Anyway flashcard wise, I figured this deck is simple and easy to stick to. It covers stuff I can use, and it’s easy to study. I do think the Pleco pre made sentence decks I have are good (maybe even better for ME since the difficulty spikes quicker and my brain learns when its being challenged a lot and loves to slack when it’s not). But I don’t like using flashcards in Pleco for srs much. I prefer to use it like a big notebook of words I know/am studying/etc. Also i guess just mentally, it lets me keep seeing Pleco as my reading/notes/reference area. I like to keep it separate from srs flashcards I guess since... I usually hate flashcards, but love Pleco a lot lol.

I also was trying out my Chinese Grammar deck on anki - it’s a great deck. This one again has sentences mostly of stuff I know and understand - but this one is focused on grammar patterns and I think it’s a bit helpful for improving my production and grammar understanding. Along with just being more review of things I know. I also have a Hanzi deck on anki with simplified and traditional - idk how I feel about it or if I’ll use it. It’s not mnemonic containing, it’s just ordered on frequency, but I do like that it includes traditional so I can see both. Ultimately, these are just optional things I’m checking out. These two decks are free.

The SpoonFed Chinese deck has a free version - which I used to use and is perfectly useful so I recommend it. The big drawback I guess with it, was it seemed to occasionally have the same issues Clozemaster sentences have - since a beginner made it the sentences came from a bigger site source and if there were mistakes they were unedited, also the audio is compressed and sounds a bit harsh (but usable). If you look up the deck it shows up on anki, and the shared deck page also includes the creator’s link to the paid version they made. The paid version is $4 (or more if you’d like to tip etc). Its the version of the deck that’s been gone through for errors (so significantly less errors), for usefulness, so that the sentences are more sequentially I+1 instead of only sometimes I+1, the audio is WAY better.

It’s clear the creator went through it with more language experience, and they stated their Chinese wife also helped go through this version of the deck. I do think as I’m going through it, its noticeably better organized than the original was. Most noticeably though, I think the material is a little more thematically coherent and the difficulty curve is much more steady - it reads almost like the difficulty progression of some paid course or some college classes I’ve taken. This might make it easier for beginners to start it.

In the 4$ version of the deck I started today, my 20 cards basically introduced some ‘new’ words in simple sentences, then in more complex sentences with new grammar happening, and over time with new words added. It felt well structured like a purposeful course rather then a random list of sentences organized by ‘word frequency’ and length’ without much further work. The original deck is mostly like this too, just bulkier, and with a bit more of a chaotic I+1 organization where some chunks of sentences are all completely comprehensible them suddenly there’s a chunk of I+i sentences mixed in with totally new unknown sentences and I+2 or more type sentences. I think how well organized the 4$ version is... definitely motivates me to study more. Also I do think, If you had ZERO prior chinese knowledge of Hanzi or vocab words, the new structure helps guide you through learning the sentences much easier.

Also, just in general, the person who made the deck put instructions up as well on how to download and install it, how to change certain settings if you prefer, what to study beforehand if you have zero prior knowledge (it links to pinyin and tones), and I just really appreciated how thought out the instructions and notes were. Again, it makes it much easier as a beginner (and easier for me since I know almost nothing about anki and dearly needed the instructions today lol).

Lol this is all assuming... I stick to using anki instead of dropping it like always >o> we’ll see

Here’s the original deck on its page on anki: https://ankiweb.net/shared/info/867291675

Here’s the edited $4 deck: https://gumroad.com/products/IEmpwF

And, if you are wondering, no I still didn’t buy the $25 dollar anki app for iPhone. I’m just using the mobile website anki, as usual. Maybe life would be easier if I used the app but oh well. As far as I’ve heard there’s not a noticeable enough difference...

[windspirit-wild]

Forward Progress

I don’t know if it’s because of my childhood, or innate perfectionism, or part of being submissive – all three? – but failure makes my brain go crazy. The slightest mistake sets off alarm bells in my head that the World Is Ending and its All My Fault. Failure means that I Am BAD. Something is wrong with me, I am a mess, I can’t do anything right. My entire existence is a waste and a disappointment.

I’m very hard on myself, to say the least.

So all or nothing brain wants to excel at everything, lest I undo all my hard work and unearn my place in this world. Because it’s always an uphill battle for me, you see. I don’t have the right to be here – I have to earn basic rights and privileges through busting my ass in everything. Anything less means I am a burden, a hardship for others, an inconvenience. I didn’t come off the assembly line right, I have a flaw somewhere in my inner workings, and if I just work hard enough, no one will see.

No one will yell at me or hurt me, they’ll leave me alone, I can earn my quiet little corner.

Because of how my brain goes into overdrive when I stumble or mess up, it’s hard for me to admit it. I don’t hide it, but I have extreme anxiety over bringing forth this knowledge of my failings. The person I tell will hate me, they’ll know they wasted their time on me, they’ll leave.

Or they’ll just sigh and shake their head and turn away.

They’ll ignore it, because of course I messed up. I always mess up. It’s to be expected, they aren’t really surprised, and now I have to work extra hard to earn back what I’d had.

Attention, affection.

I think that’s also why I crave so much to be acknowledged as a good girl. It soothes all that anxiety in me, validates my efforts to be good.

Unless it becomes rote. Feels like it’s scripted, like there’s no real acknowledgment. Flippant. No attention, just empty words. All my work to be good, met with nothing, as though all that I did had no meaning. Could I have reported that I’d been good, without having done anything, and still meet the same answer?

It needs to be real. It needs to matter.

It’s some of why things fell apart with SF. I’m too detail oriented, too needy of feedback, too focused on the minutiae for him. He wanted obedience and submission because I wanted to give those things… but he didn’t care for the day to day oversight that I craved.

See, I’m like this at work, too. When I give a report to my superiors, or pass things along to the next shift, I am thorough. I don’t mean to say that I ramble and give unnecessary detail, oh no. Any incidents, any feedback from customers, anything out of the ordinary gets documented. It gets organized and put into a concise report with pertinent information. My paperwork and tasks are completed, and if not, then I leave behind an accounting of why not. I am hardline policy and procedure.

My bosses have always loved me.

So to report to my Dominant that I have done the tasks that they assign to me, and to be met with “yeah, ok. Good girl” and glazed over eyes? Eyes too busy at a screen to look at me? No acknowledgement when I go above and beyond? Barely a difference in respond when I don’t meet expectations?

Heart breaking. I must be doing something wrong. I must be not doing enough. I must be doing too much, because I’m too needy, and I shouldn’t report so much, I should just be quiet and hope, please, please notice that I was a good girl, your good girl, that I’m doing the things, I’m being good like you wanted, like you asked me to, like we agreed with our dynamic and like I’ve told you a thousand times in our meta talks.

 please

 We didn’t fit. And I still struggle to understand that I wasn’t doing anything wrong – we just weren’t compatible.

It’s one of the infinite reasons why I adore Rider. When I go to him to tell him how well I’m doing, it’s a good girl, and he checks in, he checks that I did All the Things, checks for things outside of my tasks that are also important. He’s engaged. He tells me that he’s proud of me

And oh how my heart swells! He’s proud! Of me! I made someone proud!

And when I mess up? And I feel skittish, scared that admitting it will mean Bad Things? When I go to him, feeling inside like some dumb clumsy kid who can’t do things right? When I struggle to make eye contact (a definite by-product from an abusive childhood – if I’ve been bad and I look someone in the eye, I’ll see their disappointment and they’ll see the broken flawed thing inside me through my eyes), hiding behind my hair, squirming and twisting my hands and struggling to speak…

When I bare myself to him, telling my mistakes?

Rider listens. He holds me. Often he reminds me that I didn’t fuck up nearly as bad as I feel like I did. Often he reminds me that things happen, that I’m human, that it’s ok. Because he guides and teaches, he considers ways to change my structure, so that I don’t fumble in the future.  He finds ways to help me do good next time, correcting defaults, rules, tasks, anything he can so that I am set up for success. And if it’s not the first time, if it’s a recurring pattern, a behavior of mine that is unacceptable?

Only then is there discipline and punishment. I am not bad – my behavior was bad. My being is not wrong or flawed, what I did was. He makes sure that I know it. That I know how I disappointed him. He applies force only when absolutely necessary, because he doesn’t want to have to. He knows how badly I want to please him, to obey him, to serve him. So he focuses on corrections and adjustments.

SF would only tell me “Don’t do that” when I failed. I was left bereft of instruction on how to do better, and my anxiety climbed the walls inside me, tearing me apart with the search for how to do better.

Rider helps me find solutions. He troubleshoots the problems.

See, he understands what it means to lead and guide and teach. He knows how important this is to me, to my well-being.

He tells me all the time, that we are a unit. We are we. When I asked him to accept my submission, when he choose to take up responsibility of me, he took up the task of taking care of me. It’s not all kinky fuckery, it’s hard work. And Rider accepts that, so when I fail, it’s on him, too, to find out how we can fix it *together* and move forward, do better in the future.

And of course, it’s on me, to account for myself to him and hold up my end of things.

He tells me all the time that he’s proud of me, and recently, that I am exceeding expectations. I am in a better place than I was before him, and he reminds me often. How I’m strong and confident and capable, pointing out when I forget, that I am surviving things that I didn’t think that I could, that I am further along than I was before.

That I will get through it

My heart soars every time he tells me these things, every time he tells me I’m his good girl, always, and that he’s got me. He sees me. He knows me. Even when I falter, it’s ok, because he’s there to hold me and get me back on my feet.

He’s teaching me that what matters is forward momentum, progress towards a better tomorrow. 

[pagalini]

hi, sorry if this is too personal of a question, but i was wondering how you realized you had adhd? i think i may have adhd but i don’t really want to say anything to my family until i am positive? thank you!

Hey there! No worries at all, I’m a very open person. 

I want to start by stressing that I’m currently on the waiting list for NHS assessment, because the UK process for diagnosis is very drawn-out and underfunded. However, though I don’t yet have the piece of paper that “officially” means I have ADHD, myself and my GP agree that I exhibit a lot of the symptoms, and they’ve managed to affect my life to the degree that I need some help. 

The primary symptoms for me - well, my most significant issue involves problems with working memory - myself and my partner call it my “if it’s not in front of me, it’s gone” problem. If I don’t have a task that needs doing literally in eyesight in some way, I will completely blank on needing to do it. I also blank on verbal instruction, and have to ask people to repeat things a lot. I often walk into rooms and then stop, because I’ve forgotten why I’m there. And it’s not just occasional - everyone will walk into a room now and then and be like, wait, why am I here. I do it on a daily basis. I have to keep extensive and strict checklists for even the simplest of tasks, or I’ll forget about it. To set up for the day, I write a to-do list on Habitica, and then I write one on a physical post-it as well, and then if something’s really urgent I write it on my hand just to really make sure I’ll see it. And even then I miss things!

Task initiation is also a problem for me, but it’s at the core of ADHD itself, so that’s not surprising. I’ve always found this symptom troubling, because when I was initially investigating ADHD I didn’t think I had issues with task initiation, but I’ve come to realise through time and through the example of my partner, who definitely doesn’t have ADHD, that I do have it. Important difficult thing that needs doing? Nope. Too Much. I can’t even explain it, that sensation of Nope, Too Much, but it’s like a physical wall between me and the thing that needs to be done. Examples: I’ve needed to get a dentist for literally seven months, and I still haven’t done it. I also once needed to get a car scrapped and took TWO YEARS to actually get it done, and even then it only got done because my dad organised it for me. Exam prep? Oh man. That one’s a double whammy. If I didn’t put a note out for myself, or if I put my books away out of sight, then I’d just forget, and I’d end up cramming literally either the night before or the morning of. I’m quite fortunate in that I’m naturally intelligent, so I was able to “coast” like that through my GCSEs, but then my A Levels came along, and - well. 

How did I realise I had ADHD, you ask? Well. For a lot of people with ADHD, they don’t realise there’s something going on until they hit a “wall.” In my case, I hit two walls a few years apart. The first wall was my A Levels. In the UK we do GCSEs, which are basic broad-spectrum qualifications, and then we do A Levels, which you select yourself and are more tailored to what you want to do in life. The jump from A Level to university undergraduate degree is very small. The jump from GCSEs to A Level is ENORMOUS, and I fell flat on my face. At GCSE level, without retaking any exams and with quite honestly little to no revision, I got fifteen GCSEs. Nine of them were A*s, and two were Bs. The remaining four were all As. The key thing is: I was a really excellent student. 

Then I went up to A Level, and at the end of the first year I got: D, E, C, and U. For non-UK folk - a U if a grade so bad that it’s not even an F for fail - it’s U for unclassified. 

I got 12% on the exam. I was heartbroken and completely lost. Everyone around me was shocked. My biology teacher was so sure there’d been a clerical mistake that she rang the exam board on my behalf! Except - there was no mistake. I’d just completely beefed it, to the nth degree.

Through unbelievable hard work and sheer terror, I managed to retake everything and come out of my A Levels with A, A, B, B. Not what I or anyone who knew me had expected - I’d always been predicted straight A*s - but good grades. Good enough to take the heat off of what had gone wrong, so on I sailed into university and beyond. 

Retail work, retail work, volunteering - I was a busy bee for a few years. Then I got my first Adult Job, which was in editorial. Here was my second wall, and I left after six months to do an MA in Graphic Design, convinced that I must have picked something entirely wrong for me. I was shattered, confused, and it would take me at least a year to even slightly recover. In that year I kept busy, both with my MA, and with my research into ADHD. And the more I read, the more it dawned on me that this might just be the explanation for what had happened to me. 

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Here are some of the symptoms that really resonated with me then, and still do now:

Focus - I find it incredibly difficult to focus on something I’m not interested in, to the point that my brain just Nopes it. I describe it to the people around me as being like trying to balance a drop of water on a duck’s back. All the water wants to do is slide right off, and while for most people focusing on something they don’t want to do is something they can do even if they don’t like it, for me it’s that balancing act - something that requires all my attention and then some, and often ends in failure. 

Sensitivity - Repetitive noises and actions both drive me absolutely WILD. I can’t stand either. Many a clock has suffered my wrath and had its batteries removed at 3am. Ironic, considering I have a really bad case of RLS (restless leg syndrome) and constantly have to shift around in my seat until I’m a position where I can Jiggle Good. 

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - I overreact to negative feedback, taking it as a personal slight or assuming that the person hates me or no longer loves me. It’s an overwhelming thing, an almost physical sensation, and I’ve had quite a few panic attacks over the years because of it. 

I also experience these:

Acting without thinking

Constantly changing activity or task

Difficulty organising tasks

Irregular sleeping patterns / difficulty sleeping

Anxiety

Mood swings & irritability - (this coupled with acting without thinking has ruined a lot of friendships for me over the years. It’s only recently, and with the patient help of my partner, that I’ve been able to slowly change and get a better handle on this aspect of myself)

Starting new tasks before finishing old ones

And on a more positive note, also these:

Creativity (constant racing thoughts mean a lot of ideas)

Information-lust (just gotta KNOW what that xyz means)

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Last but not least, hyperfocus. Where would I be without hyperfocus? It’s what makes me who I am. It’s what lets me speed read books in just a couple of hours, or write two books and a DND campaign of my own despite working however many jobs at the time. It’s what lets me watch a two hour documentary about microscope slides because I “just gotta KNOW, man.” I am ever the font of random facts out of the people I know, and I love that about myself. I love how hungry I am for new information, new skills, and new stories. 

I hope this (very long) post has been helpful. I wish you all the best with your ADHD journey - and please remember, if your doctor is at all dismissive of your experiences, get a second opinion! Especially if you’re female or look feminine - doctors often won’t listen to you anyway but especially so with ADHD because it’s still perceived as a “boy’s condition.” I had to get a second opinion, and in my case the second doctor has been fantastic and is totally on my side while the first was not at all.