#at least not comfortably anyway. not with pride. not without feeling like a mistake

[trashlie]

Alyssa Cho: Sexuality and Fitting In

It’s been six months since we finished the Shinlyssa Flashback arc, can you believe that? And it’s taken me all these months to finally start putting together this post lol. 

During the flashback arc, one of the hotly contested theories was: Did Alyssa have a crush on Shinae? It’s easy to think we’re reading into things, especially in a story like ILY where we can’t always, in the moment, see something for what it is, or rather what it will become. It’s easy to overthink things, and sometimes we get focused on things that are red herrings. But, in this case, I think it’s not far from the truth at all. In fact, I think the possibility of Alyssa’s sexuality is a part of why she is so desperate to fit in at all. Especially in middle school, society isn’t always kind to lgbtq folks, and there’s a couple hints that it might be something her family is against, as well. 

Now I want to make it clear from the start: I don’t think we can specifically speculate on what Alyssa’s sexuality is, firstly because there’s a good chance even she isn’t sure and secondly because sexuality is certainly a part of a spectrum and it isn’t something that necessarily stays unwavering. I will also up front state that while my suspicions are that Alyssa leans more towards lesbian, that doesn’t negate the possibility of bi/pan/something less specific. But what I DO want to speculate is how her relationship with her possible sexuality, and thus her relationship with Shinae, heavily factors into her need to conform and fit in. 

I think the beginning of the flashback arc is where we see Alyssa at her happiest, and perhaps her most honest. She has a great time in math club with Alyssa, the teacher gets her excited about the math competitions and the chance to prove herself. But it also is where everything starts to go downhill. 

It doesn’t really need reiterated, because the story has made it very clear, but Alyssa is very driven by attention and praise. But I don’t think it’s blind praise she wants, because she often refutes it from Alyssa. It’s not anything special to her that she can play instruments because anyone can do that; writing music though? That’s special. Alyssa talks about wanting to be liked and popular, but what I suspect she really want is acceptance for who she is, and she quickly learns that it won’t be found here unless she starts faking it. 

She’s an intellectual girl, advanced beyond probably most of her peers, who has no favor for kpop and much prefers the classics, is heavily invested in STEM with a favor for bio engineering. It’s made immediately apparent to her that all of her interests will make her a target. It’s not simply that she won’t fit in - it’s that she sticks out in a way that will make people think her weird and outcast her, and it’s really clear that being ostracized is something she fears. I think it’s important to emphasize that this is a fear; it’s not simply being a preteen and wanting to be liked because you don’t know how to be alone but a fear that drives her to do really rash things and lash out. This fear is compounded by her anxiety. When confronted about the missing science project, when it gets out of her hand before she has a chance to stop it, when confrontation comes to a head, Alyssa goes home, feeling sick and miserable. 

She simply could not handle the confrontation or the ramifications it yielded. 

For Alyssa, fitting in a necessity. 

Early in, Alyssa admits to Shinae that she begged her parents to let her go to public school because she wanted to make friends her own age. I imagine she must have been lonely. I don’t think she was homeschooled with other kids - just her sister, and from the sounds of it, she probably didn’t have friends in her dance lessons. I’m willing to bet they were personal, one-on-one lessons, or else maybe she would have been more focused on making friends with the kids in her class rather than dancing? As it is, dance sounds like it was a passing interest of hers that she didn’t really come to love but was stuck continuing, because the alternative was to tell her parents and that doesn’t seem something she’s capable of. But she also admits to Shinae that she has seen what happens to kids who are outcast and ostracized. She doesn’t want that; it goes against the whole reason she came to public school! Why would she endure that if she could just go back to homeschooling and her loneliness?

Another thing Alyssa notes, though, is this. 

It doesn’t seem like much, in the moment. Alyssa has already talked about how overbearing her parents are, how she expresses interest in something and they shower in it, even it was just a fleeting idea. She seems to feel overwhelmed by them and wants an escape from them, lest they take another thing that interests her and put her through it in a way that makes her lose any fancy she possessed for it. 

But it’s a mantra that comes up again, later. 

For a while during the flashback, I waffled a lot on Alyssa’s sexuality. Was it, I wondered, just a red herring, meant to make us THINK Alyssa had a crush, but it was really more about her internal conflict with her feelings about hurting Shinae and trying to do what she wants? Alyssa (much like Nol does) struggled a lot with her relationship with Shinae vs what she wanted more than anything. She tried to make it worked - tried to find a way to be both Shinae’s friend AND to be popular and well-liked, and when it miserably back-fired on her, she made a choice. 

It was here, though, that I began believe that yes, Alyssa probably did have a crush on Shinae, that Alyssa may, in fact, like girls. 

Alyssa has a secret so deep that she doesn’t want anyone to know, not even Shinae. (Also, note the way she says she didn’t want anyone to find out, not even you, as if maybe, Shinae could have been separate person, who maybe she could tell her OTHER secrets to, if they ever got so far.) She especially doesn’t want the teachers involved, because that will get her parents involved - and they won’t be happy, because they’ll ask things and they won’t like what she has to say. That is, the truth was something that would upset them. 

It’s really important, too, to reiterate that Alyssa’s home life is far from perfect, too. We’ve seen just enough to start to wonder about them. Alyssa’s response to her dad was the most telling - the way she completely changed her whole personality and mood in response to him coming home speaks volumes. 

Shinae doesn’t seem to register what she overheard, but the jagged speech bubbles suggest yelling, Meg and her dad probably arguing loudly. We don’t see anything, so it’s hard to completely read the body language - is Meg just covering hear ear because her father is yelling? Is she holding her hand up because he slapped the side of her face? 

Moreso, when Shinae asks if everything is good at home, and finally brings up the complete 180 change of Alyssa’s, she lashes out again. 

Hiding an angry, controlling, potentially abusive father is probably first nature to Alyssa. She’s learning - she knows what kinds of things will ostracize you, what will make you weird to the others. Isn’t it better to not let them see that side of you? But honestly, further? It reads even more like she’s just not allowed to bring kids around, period, because of him. When Shinae called to check up on Alyssa after checking on her, she asked if she could go over and visit Alyssa again, and her mom told her that she couldn’t. Whether her dad is actually strict about people coming over or Alyssa is just using it as a line to not allow anyone else (and frankly, it feels more like the latter, since she’s still feeling out what is “normal”), the point is: they’re hiding something. 

So Alyssa has a secret she’s so desperate to keep, that she absolutely does not want anyone, not even Shinae, and especially not her parents to find out. 

The other thing that made me start to feel more confidently about this possibility was the language used by the boys bullying Alyssa. It’s language that is very pointedly anti-gay. 

It’s not just simple bullying - it’s not (completely) about the stolen project, it’s not about who she hangs out with or her socio-economic status or who her paents are, or anything like Shinae is bullied for. 

“You’re really cute, you know that? Such a shame it’s going to waste though... Nasty.” 

What else could they mean by “going to waste” if not that it’s a shame that she, a cute girl, would never date them/some guy, that it’s “wasted” on her going “against the natural order of things” or something equally gross. 

“You know they say people like you have brains that are damaged, right? That’s why you’re the way you are.” 

Homosexuality being written off as a mental illness, as something wrong with the brain, as something that can be converted out of them, as though it’s a defect still remains an argument even in this day and age. Anti-gay hate speech still tries to convince queer folk and especially those who hate or fear them that there is something wrong with them, that they’re defective, that it goes against all that is natural (a man should only lie with a woman). 

These boys are echoing explicit hate speech, and I think it must be tied to the notes in Alyssa’s locker. If they were the same things Shinae is being bullied for, why would she refused so adamantly to tell her about it? If they were bullying her about the same thing, wouldn’t she maybe instead just blame Shinae? But instead, she doubles down on it, because this thing, this thing she’s hiding that she doesn’t want anyone to know about, would ruin everything. Her parents would hate her, and if she were forced to tell them the truth about it, perhaps she’d face even worse consequences with her family. 

Alyssa reiterates that she just wanted to be liked and to fit in. And now, there’s no easy way out of her current situation. She’s conflicted about the choice she has to make. She doesn’t tell Shinae what she’s conflicted about - but I think it’s pretty easy to guess what it is. 

Alyssa’s conflict is: does she remain friends with Shinae who has been nice to her and has treated her so well and probably made her feel special, but also whose relationship has brought Alyssa strife and made others think she might be a weirdo thief in association; or does she do what she set out to and forsake Shinae in favor of the other kids’ approval, to fit in and blend in just the way she wanted? 

We know what choice she made, but despite how things go, I don’t think it was the easiest choice, either. When Shinae calls out Alyssa on things like ignoring her, Alyssa deflects, though not well, and she looks nervous or anxious. When the awful girls are messing with Shinae’s belongings, Alyssa (unsuccessfully) tries to stop them. The whole altercation leading up to Alyssa recoiling and accidentally pushing Shinae out the window seems very much like a battle for Alyssa of what she wants and what she knows is right. 

Shinae had a big impact on Alyssa! She was Alyssa’s first friend, and probably one of the only real, true friends she ever had. Shinae liked Alyssa completely for who she was - for her love for math and science, for her cool trips to cool exhibits, for her ability to play so many instruments. The things that made Alyssa weird to people, Shinae accepted her for. Most importantly, Shinae was a bright beam in her life. She was radiant and seemed so confident and strong and tough - things that Alyssa admired but did not herself possess. 

Sure, it could have just been admiration. After all, when Alyssa began blushing with Shinae, it came off the back of compliments, right? 

Alyssa seems so taken aback by Shinae’s very earnest compliment, by the idea of impressing someone with one of her skills, with the idea of being able to play something for her. But if it was simply about compliments, wouldn’t all compliments make her flush? 

Minhyuk’s compliment doesn’t get much of a reaction from Alyssa. If anyone, she looks a little wary, a little put on the spot. But when Shinae backs him up and reiterates it, she’s back to being flustered, mumbling something Shinae doesn’t catch. 

Something I think is worth mentioning is that quimchee definitely differentiates these kinds of reactions. Blushes are colored red and usually use the lines, but there’s a LOT more cases of the lines being used without a blush. I’ve always thought of that as being flustered - similar to when you embarrass, but perhaps not to the same degree. 

We’ve seen it many times between Shinae with Dieter (compared to Dieter very often going red with the lines). We saw it when Shinae pointed out that Nol’s face had healed by getting very close to him and he got flustered, and even far earlier in the story, when Shinae ran into him in the Hirahara Corp. lobby and he fell out of the chair he was spinning in. 

We even see a small version of the lines on Shinae’s face when she watches Minhyuk at taekwondo and she finds him really cool. 

Now, I’m not trying to say red blush = romantic feelings, although I do think they tend to trend that way. I just want to reiterate that when the red color enters, it feels like more of a flush, a deeply blushing, than just flustered. Blushing can be embarrassment - but we also see it often with the lines (see Nol) or sometimes a sweatdrop. Perhaps quimchee does have a more specific set of rules about this that we’ll one day hear about, but it’s something I try to keep in mind. 

That said, Alyssa blushing A LOT in a black and white flashback where her sexuality has come in to play feels very, very pointed. The flashback has selective color, so Alyssa’s flush stands out. I think it’s meant to. I think we’re meant to infer this. 

Her blushing isn’t simply limited to Shinae praising her, either. 

When Alyssa finds out Shinae was bullied at her old school, she apologizes, and tells her she never would have guessed, asks how she can be so strong. Shinae is nothing but honest, but it’s her brilliant smile that sways Alyssa. 

I think there’s something even more specific about this blush, too. The close up on her face, how we don’t see it all, her eyes withheld, her mouth quivering. Alyssa is so affected by this. It’s not Shinae paying her compliments or praising her. It’s Shinae. Her warmth and radiance and strength and positivity and the way she just shines. 

And that smile GETS to Alyssa!

Alyssa can’t run away this time, so she looks away, but the blush still happens. Shinae’s smile just seems to be so disarming to Alyssa! 

For a while, when I was trying to decide if I thought this was a crush or a red herring, I considered: maybe every time Shinae is so bright and positive, she feels bad because she’s lying to Shinae. She feels bad because she knows Shinae is a better friend than she is. And sure, I suppose that could be. Alyssa doesn’t like when she looks like she’s in the wrong. But given the context of the explicit things the boys said, the bullying that Alyssa wouldn’t open up about, the thing that she absolutely adamantly does not want anyone to know about, that she can’t speak of? 

It feels like it’s exactly what it looks like: Alyssa has a crush on the nice, tough, confident, weird, boisterous girl who is so nice to her and sees something in her. 

Alyssa is so affected by Shinae’s concern, by her expression of actual care. Telling her she misses her, going all the way to her place to check on her, her relief that she’s okay. Alyssa is so touched by the effort Shinae puts forth, so moved to be on the receiving end of it. She just can’t reconcile herself with it. 

Because Shinae represents the thing Alyssa is hiding, that she wants to run away from. She knows the other students think Shinae is weird, and that association with her only pulls down her own reputation. She’s in conflict over what she wants (popularity, so many friends, people to like her to) vs what her heart wants - Shinae’s affection and unabashed confidence and the way she looks in Shinae’s eyes. 

But she can’t admit this to herself. She can’t let her heart, her feelings, rule this conflict. 

I think Shinae hit the nail right on the head - just not in a way she realizes. I think Alyssa IS lying to herself. I think she IS in denial. I think her sexuality is something she’s yet to reconcile, that at this point in time she cannot make peace with. Because people think it’s weird, because they think it’s unnatural, because it’s “wrong”, because they think people like her perverts are monsters. There’s a part of her that she recognizes is not “normal”, in that it doesn’t suit the status quo, what society generally believes to be true, so she hides it. She stuffs it deep down and tries to repress it, to pretend it’s not there, pretend that’s not her, pretend she’s the very picture of “normal” middle school girl. 

She pretends to like the things other “normal” kids do. She starts to feel uncomfortable about the things she DOES like. She’s not embarrassed about math club - she’s just self-conscious. Because being weird makes you stick out. It makes people look differently at you. If you’re “weird” enough, it makes them bully you, ostracize you. 

Alyssa is so lonely and she just wants to fill that void. She thinks fitting in will make it better. She thinks fitting in will protect her. Look how quickly the bully girls change their beliefs about Alyssa, as soon as she pushes all suspicion from her. No longer is she the weird one, suddenly they wall want to be her friend, they think she’s so cool. Just like that. 

Fitting in will afford her protection, because if she’s “normal” enough, no one will suspect her, no one will find her weird, and no one will find out about her darkest secret. It will keep her safe. 

Obviously, this is a naïve belief. Especially in middle school, kids will turn on you for whatever reason. Alyssa is clearly rich, eager to please, and wants to fit in. She’s sold one project and suddenly kids wanted her to do all their work, to benefit from her. It wasn’t real friendship - they just liked her for what she could do to them. But Alyssa is convinced that popularity - that being surrounded by people, by being liked, will protect her. She’ll fit in. She’ll have friends. That aching loneliness that has eaten her up won’t be a problem.

Except none of it is real. The real friendship was Shinae. Shinae was the one who liked her for who she is, not just what she can do for her. Shinae was the one she didn’t have to fake it for, who saw her at her worst and still tried to be her friend. It was the price she paid to protect herself, and her secret. 

But for Alyssa, who may see a part of herself as “wrong” because it won’t be accepted, who is so lonely and just wanted to be liked and to make friends, maybe she hopes that being liked will make up for that “wrongness”. Maybe, if enough people like her, it will make her feel loved in the way she wants, but won’t allow. If she thinks something is wrong with her, couldn’t the love and adoration of the masses, make her feel like it’s not true, cover it up, make it feel like it doesn’t matter? 

I think even now, in the present, it’s possible that Alyssa’s sexuality may be a thing she hasn’t reconciled with. Is she still hiding from it? Is she still fighting to be seen as “normal”? Who was she, before Yui made an idol of her, when she was friends with Nol, Dieter, and Soushi. Did she crave that faux normalcy even then? 

I’ve considered, too, that perhaps Nol provides another benefit he’s unaware of. Again, as I’ve said, we can only speculate on Alyssa’s sexuality, so it doesn’t rule out that she could also like men. But could it be that Nol provides her the protection that she needn’t deal with her sexuality? She has a boyfriend, case closed. It doesn’t matter then, who she’s interested in. It doesn’t matter, because who is going to question anything? 

(Also, tangential, but fake-dating someone who so-very-much resembles young Shinae, with that bright, radiant smile that had a way of always undoing Alyssa? Listen. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence. Even if she’s never had feelings for Nol, I still think she was drawn to him because of how Yeonggi reminded her of Shinae, how he was like an echo of the only real friendship she’d had, and I think that was a big part of the draw. Shinae had such an impact on her that years later, she was shaken to her core by someone whose smile was just as radiant as hers.) 

I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Alyssa’s sexuality, either. It wouldn’t have been repeated so many episodes if not. I always thought that Alyssa’s career will fail at some point, because the whole point of her character is that she is constantly trying to chase love and affection in places she won’t find it, and her fans’ love for her is only conditional. It used to be I thought that bullying allegations would arise and that would cause her call. Claims that Alyssa was involved with a girl who got pushed out of her school window, that she turned on her. It’s so easy to take the truth and twist it up a little. Shinae saw her first bully again when she was buying comics. Who’s to say Sarah Lee won’t show up again to bring down Alyssa. As a former trainee, wouldn’t Sarah have the most jealousy towards Alyssa? But now I do worry that it could be rumors of her sexuality that could be her undoing. After all, how did the boys targeting Alyssa know what they did? Where did they glean the information they used against her? 

I know Alyssa isn’t a popular character with a lot of the choices she has made. But I do think it’s worth acknowledging how her potential sexuality ties into those choices she made, and the kind of pressure she felt to fit in, to be seen as “normal”. A lonely girl who wanted nothing more than to have lots of friends, who probably felt so empty despite her parents’ overbearing interest in her, but who also knew that there was something about her that is considered Not Right, and that it was something that could threaten the very thing she covets - being adored. Idk, I think in that context, her choices make sense. They’re still selfish, she still can’t face conflict, she still doesn’t get that being loved is not about a role but who you are. But I think if she could feel that part of her accepted, if she didn’t fear what her parents would think, if she knew she’d be supported no matter what, maybe she wouldn’t have made those choices. 

Like everyone in ILY, Alyssa has to contend with who she really is and she really wants. Now that she’s an idol, she’s come to realize that even this love is conditional. That it doesn’t fill that lonely void, that it doesn’t replace whatever it is she’s seeking - it just makes it worse. 

[uravitypng]

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐈𝐓 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄?

pairing: tenya iida x reader

word count: 2.0k

a/n: this was meant to be a lot shorter but it ended up being longer and took way more time than expected so hopefully this came out. i had a chubby reader in mind writing this. i've never wrote for iida before so i hope this turned out okay! anyway i won't spoil the plot or anything other than reader gets stuck. i wrote this late at night so i didn't reread and edit it thoroughly but hopefully it should be okay! if there's any mistakes i'm sorry ‧₊˚✩‧₊˚♡‧₊˚

warnings: dub con, power dynamic, pro-hero iida, unprotected sex, teasing, over stimulation, stuckage (i think thats the kink name <3 reader gets stuck), light impact (spanking), rough sex, 18+ mdni

Iida prides himself on his morals. Sure in the past he made a mistake involving stain but that was all in the past. However, he can't help but question his moral compass whenever he sees you, he wants to do things to you, things that he doesn't even want to admit to himself. It would be wrong though, he's your superior, you're a sidekick. The power dynamic is very clear, it would be wrong.

Whenever he sees you though it becomes so difficult for him to worry about the power dynamic when you look so pretty wearing your hero costume hugging your figure in all the right ways. It takes everything for him not to stare at you, especially when he's walking behind you and he can see your hips move as you walk and he swears he can see the outline of your underwear. Even at the new years party last year, your dress was shorter than Iida would typically deem appropriate but your plush thighs being more visible than he'd ever seen before made him keep quiet.

Iida loses all composure he has when you're patrolling together late one night, it was a quiet night and a uneventful patrol. Most of the time it was silent, Iida preferred not to talk much when patrolling just in case something happened, he liked to be alert and he took being a pro-hero very seriously. You never complained about the lack of talking it was always a comfortable silence walking beside him.

You heard a suspicious noise and decided to check it out, it turned out to be a cat but you wished you knew that before you tried to go between a gate. One second you were following the noise with Iida behind you, but as you heard it running away you began pursuing it, and whatever the noise was was on the other side. It was too tall and there was no way to climb up before the person or suspicious thing gets away. You wouldn't be doing your job correctly if you just left. The bars looked big enough to squeeze through, so you did, as soon as you did a cat emerged and realised this whole time a cat you were chasing a cat. You hear Iida behind you, he hadn't used his quirk, you realise that's because he realised there was no point. He knew it must of been a cat. he's just too good at his job.

You chuckle, as you look at the cat. "It was just a cat."

"Yes, i thought as much."

You chuckle again as you lean out the bar attempting to pull yourself out but failing. You try again harder this time, trying to wiggle out of the bars. This was incredibly embarrassing, at least for you. Iida noticed your predicament but stood on the spot as he watched you try and move. He couldn't help but look as you tried to get out, your ass shaking as a consequence and your whole body jerked side to side.

"This is so embarrassing, I can't get out. please help me out a bit Iida."

Before he even knew what he was doing he spoke, "what's in it for me?" He started berating himself for such an inappropriate question, maybe there's a way he can recover from this, he feels like a pervert. It was an immediate response without thinking and he doesn't know what will happen now, his reputation will surely be ruined.

Out of all the things he was preparing himself for he did not expect you to burst out laughing. 'Thank god, there's a way to recover this, it will just be a inappropriate joke. It's still bad but it's better than the alternative,' Iida thought to himself.

However he was even less prepared for the next thing that came out of your mouth, "I mean, you are right. It wouldn't be fair of me to not give you anything in return." He practically hears your grin.

Iida's mind was filling with so many thoughts, mainly- 'Fuck. This is bad. There's no way I can keep thinking like this but she was being so suggestive. maybe she was joking too? fuck, I want her so bad.' He looks over at you and sees you one more time. You're stuck there, you're not getting out anytime soon, he can do whatever he wants and you can't stop him, you look so hot. he makes up his mind as he sees you continue to try and wiggle from the bars, at least trying to get into a more comfortable position one that's not digging into your ribs.

He doesn't even say anything to you as he walks behind you and starts touching your ass, grabbing it, and making you gasp in surprise. You have a feeling he's not a talker during sex. His hands feel so warm on you, even through your hero costume. Iida surprised you again as he ripped off your hero costume, undoing the zip down the side, starting up at you neck and pulling all the way down, ripping it in the process. You shiver from the cold, only being covered by your underwear but Iida warms you up almost immediately by running his hands up and down your body. The logical part in Iida's mind tells him that this shouldn't be happening, especially in public where anyone could see but you looked so pretty and soft and felt so warm he couldn't stop himself at this point.

He kisses your back and kneads any part of your body that he can get his hands on you. Typically you'd feel self conscious from someone giving this much focused attention on your body but it's so hard to when Iida's treating you with such care, like kissing your stretch marks and tightly grabbing onto your hips. Iida's still mostly silent as he explores your body, leaving soft kisses in his wake. "Even softer than I imagined." He mumbles, he probably didn't even realise he said it out loud, either way it made your face heat up.

One of his hands makes their way down, grazing one of his fingers over your underwear, getting harder than he was already as he hears you moan at the action as you try to move closer to his touch, all in vain of course. He's decided this is his favourite thing ever, touching you but not enough to get you off, you want more but you won't get it, he has complete control over your pleasure. He focuses his whole attention on this idea, one of hands circling your nipples over your bra, and with his other hand he's still hasn't touched you skin to skin either. You start whining, you don't mean too but its all too much, you need him to touch you but he doesn't. You don't know how long this goes on for, it could be 5 minutes it could be half an hour all you know is you're getting louder, begging more, and getting more wet.

Iida finally decides to take pity on you and drags down your underwear, as soon as he makes direct contact with your clit you whimper at the stimulation. This whole time he's getting a serious kick out of controlling your pleasure. You're so wet, he knows that he could probably just fuck you without you getting hurt. He realises that he can do exactly that, it's not like you can stop him.

He discards his hero costume as quickly as possible, never regretting how finicky his costume is this much before.

You try your best to turn your head around trying to see what Iida looks like underneath all his clothes, you've always wondered, but you'll have to keep wondering as no mater how hard you try and turn your head it's not working and you can't see him. Because of that you didn't realise how big his dick was going to be but he suddenly plunged into you, hurting you with how big he is and the stretch being painful.

Iida gave you no time to recover and adjust to his size, he knows he's bigger than average, but right know he just has to be buried in your pussy and start moving. The air leaves your lungs as he thrusts into you quickly, hard and fast, the pace knocking the air out of your lungs. He grabs hold of your love handles, you know they'll bruise but you quite like that idea. Your body moves slightly pushing the bars, still stuck, but he see's your breasts bouncing between the bars, making him increase his pace to see your body move and jiggle more.

The stimulation he's been giving you all night is all to much, it's so much and it feels so good. You're chanting his name over and over again. He abruptly stops his thrusts making you try and move yourself back onto him, he pressed his hand down your back trapping you even more so you can't even try to wriggle out. "it's sir to you." You could definitely do that, he still doesn't move. He harshly spanking you he speaks in an authoritative tone, "do I make myself clear?"

"Uh-huh"

"Good girl."

You really hope he starts moving again because you think you're about to cry if he doesn't. Luckily for you he does, but unluckily that still doesn't stop you from crying, your eyes watery, tears falling down your face from Iida's touch. Your chants of 'Iida' turned into chants of 'sir' and now it's hiccups of 'sir' between your gasps and whimpers.

Its a surprise for both of you when you start asking Iida if you cum, you've never asked permission to cum before, you'd honestly never dream of it but it just feels so right with Iida. Iida wasn't expecting the request but he wasn't one to turn it down, he wanted to feel you clench around his cock. He takes one of his hands off your hips and reaches to your clit, "go on then, be good for me," just like that, as soon as he gives the slightest attention to your clit and give you permission you come undone, cumming around his cock so hard that your eyesight goes white for a second due to the pleasure with the most intense orgasm you think you've ever had. Iida fucks you through it, keeping his pace, groaning as he feels you clench up around him.

You start whining more and squirming due to the over stimulation. Everywhere is so sensitive. "I'm about to cum, you can give me another one right?" He asks in a ragged voice. You weren't really sure what he was referring to, all you could do was feel the extreme sensitivity and pleasure. "I'm taking that as a yes." He reaches down to your clit and starts to touch you again, it's so sensitive and it hurts.

"No, no, fuck Iida its too much." You near enough scream out. Iida ignores you and keeps going, however he doesn't have to long, as you soon cum for a second time just as intense as the last one with your body shaking, barely having any energy left.

Iida feels you around you tighten up one more time as he quickly pulls out and cums on your ass, watching his cum start to drip down your ass down to your soft thighs.

"Iida can you get me out now?" You ask but your voice seems quiet and he starts worrying. He gently helps you out and looks at you. You look so exhausted, you've got tear stains all down your face and you're completely naked. After seeing this his rational brain starts up again and he realises how fucked he is. He just ruined his hero career...

[cantgetworsethanthistbh]

YES YES YES I GO CRAZY ABOUT IT

there was a piece of analysis in the notes of a gen fic i read a while back where it basically said that (30s!)ford was fine putting their relationship on pause until ford was ready to reconcile or needed something from stan. there was never any consideration that stan wouldn’t “want to make it up to him” or even a passing thought that stan would reject him despite presumably never mentioning stan to fiddleford or anyone in the town he lived in, and not talking about him at all with family

anyways that piece of analysis still keeps me up at night.

God its actually so insane to think about. I was mostly joking in my post, but its pretty crazy how Ford is very much aware of Stan's loyalty to him and we've seen how far he's willing to stretch it for his own benefit without anything in return. Ford is so clearly aware of the fact Stan would literally do anything for him.

I think much of it boils down to his own belief that Stan is willing to do whatever it takes keep him around. I mean, didn't Stan ruin his future prospects at his dream school specifically so they can keep adventuring together? Why would Stan deny Ford anything at that point if he's willing to cost the family literal millions for his "selfish gains"? (and again, Ford is under the impression Stan destroyed the machine on purpose and is essentially trying to baby trap him with the Stan O War lmao)

He internalizes this, like some vault in his brain that assures him he would always have his brother, even when he doesn't want him at that moment. Or at least, believes he doesn't but he does, and that is even something he's very obviously ashamed of or else he wouldnt hide the literal decades worth of memorabilia of Stan from Fiddleford or would be writing his real feelings in secret code.

But back to the point: Ford has no qualms using this to his own benefit and he does it multiple times. He does it when begging Stan to come to Gravity Falls, he does it when he expects Stan to just shut up and take the book away even without sitting him down and explaining why these journals are so important and dangerous in the first place. It's something he even utilizes right after getting out of the portal, by telling Stan to shut down his thirty year long and successful business and leave after the summer is over and Stan agrees.

But it's worth noting too that that's the last time you will ever catch Stan doing a total favor for Ford without something in return. Stan at that point is done doing things for Ford without the proper reciprication and its not like you can blame him. He has to be convinced by Mabel to save Ford again and he puts his foot down on getting that thanks he was owed over fixing the portal even though there was a literal apocalypse happening. Make no mistake though, because until then, Ford wasn't under any delusion that Stan wouldnt do anything he asks because Stan pretty much proved he would. This is also why Ford was pretty comfortable asking Stan to join the circle because other than "Who the hell would deny holding hands to save the world?" there's also a "How could Stan ever say no to me?" Having to swallow his pride for even half a second and actually reciprocate literally 1/100 of the things Stan was willing to do for him was how we got "Grammar, Stanley" lmao

and this is my own headcanon, but i suppose that other than essentially killing Stanley by erasing his mind, I think that's also a moment where the vault opens in Ford's head and he realizes he won't always have his brother like he believes he does. The same brother who travelled halfway across the country for a brother who he hadn't contacted for 10 years. The same brother who was willing to keep him fed and sheltered under a roof that legally technically is more Stan's than it is Ford's and rescind his one condition of staying away from the kids to give Dipper his blessing of hanging out with Ford. That same brother is going to forget all about that, forget his loyalty and unconditional love towards Ford and Ford realizes he loses the one person who was always willing to fight for him, more than anyone else in the world. Its really really good shit man

[dsaf-confessions]

important announcement

okay so modred here!!! and i am about to share my total, unbiased, unfiltered and honest thoughts.

i am leaving the blog

yes yes i know i try to act unbothered by everything but its scary how everything changed so fast! did you know i was actually considering sharing my main on here because i thought this place was so chill? safe to say im glad i did not do that.

i've tried to win the idgaf war but the truth is its killing me. im fighting in the idgaf war and im losing. it feels like its been months since it started, but its not even been three weeks. just over two, im pretty sure. its not even been three weeks since i've turned 15 years old!

two days after my 15th birthday this started!! what unfortunate timing. and honestly, ive got exams in less than a month, and i've been so stressed about everything. not just exams, not just internet drama, but like a secret third thing too.

its super scary to admit im being stressed out by all of this considering that there are people whove taken pride in upsetting me and for what crime? they're old posts. i was 14 when i posted them. id apologised. id listened to advice. i'd improved. but all because one day someone decided they didn't like the blog, this entire account collapsed and so did my mental health with it it seemed.

i dont like being honest. i just like to laugh about everything. i know certain people are going to be laughing and proud that they've made me leave this blog while reading this post, and while thats the reason ive been scared to leave this whole time, they're going to do that anyway. they're going to keep hating me. so the least i could do is try to put myself first rather than try to push through it using spite as my motivator.

i know there will likely be people bragging on their accounts that they've made me leave (im aware of what people are saying). and that upsets me. i wont lie. but at the end of the day, if you find yourself being proud of making a newly turned 15 year old leave an account that they once found comfort in, then thats more of a judge of character about you than me.

its scary how people can decide that they don't like you one day and make a post ruining everything, and its scary how people can act comforting to your face and then go ahead and brag about how upset they've made you to someone else, but in the end i cannot control what people say and at the end of the day i can only control what i do and who i surround myself with and thats why im leaving.

im not leaving the discord, or the dsaf fandom at all, but i am getting far away from this blog and blocking everyone who hates me because thats all i can do. all i can request is that if you know who i am, keep it secret. and if you somehow find me, please dont try to talk to me.

i think i'll just talk with my friends and post my silly little art and things without becoming a known name. its the only way to exist in fandom i think.

but wait! this blog wont die!

you see, as you were reading this post with tears in your eyes, i had secretly been assigning not just one, but two new admins for the blog! i trust them to keep it running, but also if you guys treat them terribly i give them full permission to delete this entire account. they need to put themselves first too.

so, my last words to the dsaf confessions blog?

change da world. my final message. goodbye. /ref

uhh just kidding!! final message is: if you dont like this blog, block it. if you dont like me, then we'll leave this here and forget this drama ever happened. dont try to make my past mistakes these guys problems. as soon as i hit post im leaving this blog, so any hate you try to send towards me will not go through to me. you wont even be screaming into the void either, just at some innocent people.

thats all i have to say. ily all!!! /p

-modred

[bitchwork]

Your one. Wild and precious.

The most salient thing about finding the lump was my lack of worry. I had my regular gynecologist appointment coming up and figured I’d mention it then. This is notable because I’m a known hypochondriac. (Side note: doesn’t it feel like it should be “hypERchondriac”?) Anyway, to give an example, I’d pulled a muscle in my back a few months before and became convinced that the pain was actually from a tumor on my spine that had finally grown big enough to make itself known. I spent an evening googling symptoms of bone cancer. That’s the kind of cancer that animates my nightmares. For some reason, breast cancer never really caught my imagination. It seemed too feminine, too pink, too popular. I had the irrational but strong belief (how often those two go together) that my breasts weren’t big enough to cause any problems. 

When Dr. Ruby confirmed the presence of the lump, she said, “You’ve earned yourself a mammogram and an ultrasound,�� and I swear I felt a flash of pride like I’d gotten 100% on a test. After so many health fears had come to naught, I had finally correctly diagnosed myself with something. A lump. She said it was almost certainly a cyst but I needed to get it checked out. “I can’t pretend I didn’t feel it,” she said, then amended, “Well I could, but I shouldn’t.” She tells me – and I confirmed this – that 90% of newly discovered breast lumps turn out to be benign. This fact didn't stop me from descending into existential despair over the next week.  

Two days later, I was in Brooklyn visiting M for a long-planned weekend in the city. He’s either a good or a bad person to be around for something like this. He’s had his own health fears, so he’s genuinely empathetic, but because he’s pessimistic about the body’s ability not to totally fuck everything up, there’s the feeling when you’re talking to him about your lump that although he’s telling you it’ll be fine, what he’s thinking is how sad it is that you’re gonna die. 

Over that weekend, I cycled repeatedly through the stages of grief, but spent most of the time jumping from denial to acceptance of my imminent death and back again. I got so far ahead of myself that there were times when I was actually already dead. It’s not just that the lump would be found to be cancerous. It’s that it would be found to be terminal and the only question would be how long I had. I felt that I could work with two years. This seemed like long enough that death could still feel unreal. Long enough that other people I knew could conceivably die before me, a possibility that I found comforting. If not two years, then I didn’t want more than a week. Long enough to surround myself with loved ones but not so long that I could be expected to get a good start on a memoir. 

I walked around Brooklyn feeling the sun on my face. Oh beautiful sun. How I’ve loved thee from afar. I wondered how old John Keats was when he died of tuberculosis. “I already got more time than a lot of people,” I told M. I think of a friend of a friend, a promising young woman, who had died in a horrific car crash right after college. Now that’s unfair. I’m 37. At one time that would have been considered a ripe old age.

We go see The Zone of Interest and afterwards go home and watch Deep Impact. This double feature of death was a mistake. By the end of the night I feel bereft, although I did have a Deep Impact based realization. I’d never really understood making a huge deal about the world ending, because we already know the world ends. It happens when we die. But as I watched our asteroid-spotting hero running up a mountain to escape the tidal wave that had already killed Tea Leoni and her feckless father, I realized that it actually would be way sadder to die knowing everyone else was dying too. This realization made me feel spiritually generous and a little less morose about my quickly approaching end. At least the world would go on without me. 

By the time I went to my mammogram appointment a week later, I’d roped so many people into this little psychodrama that I was starting to get the appeal of cancer. People really seemed to care! Everyone should die twice. That way you could really enjoy it the first time. 

After the mammogram I get an ultrasound and then lie on the gurney in the darkened room waiting for the doctor to come and confirm my fate. The doctor does come. He’s young. Beautiful boy. So much life left to live. He tells me matter of factly that from what they can see on the mammogram, it’s not likely to be cancer. I still need to get a biopsy, but he declares the whole situation low risk and walks out as I sniffle into a tissue.  

I read that people who identify as hypochondriacs die an average of five years earlier than those who don’t. This is the hard truth about hypochondria, one day you’ll be right. But that day is not today.   

The euphoria doesn’t hit for a few hours, but when it does. It does. This is the secret upside to letting yourself completely unravel. The hypochondriac’s little prize, which is actually not so little. When your fear comes to nothing you have the elation of someone who has narrowly escaped death. You’re not just back to where you were. You’re better than ever. Music tastes like ice cream. Ice cream feels like cocaine. Were you actually close to death? No. But that doesn’t matter to your brain, which can’t tell the difference between a lion and a door slamming kind of loud in your vicinity. 

You realize this is what you could do with your one wild and precious life. Instead of living, perform death. Be carried from one little hysteria to the next. The perfect narrative arc over and over until it’s over. Luckily by that time you’ll be so good at it. It’ll be perfect. You’ll have finally gotten it right.  

(Ed note: Biopsy confirmed lump to be benign. Phew.)

[pizza-is-my-buziness]

Prompt for Sameena: Both POVs of band geek Deena seeing cheerleader Sam for the first time and vice versa back when Sam still went to shadyside.

“Nice skirt, Fraser.”

Sam tries to pretend like she doesn’t hear the words, but she’s pretty sure the color the floods to her cheeks gives her away. At least she manages to resist the urge to reach for the hem of her cheerleading skirt and call even more attention to herself. Especially since it won’t do any good anyway. Her mother had been thrilled when she’d joined the cheerleading team, had been even more excited when Sam had finally brought home her uniform, making her try it on and model it in the living room long enough for the woman to relive her teenage glory days and express genuine pride in her daughter for the first time in quite a while. Now, Sam isn’t all that fond of the uniform, seeing as she has to wear it in the hallways in front of guys like Richie Callahan, who is making no secret of leering at her in math class.

It’s the first game of the season and Sam can only pray that everyone gets tired of staring at the cheerleaders by the time the team fails to make the playoffs. When Kate Schmidt and her friends walk into class, Richie hurls the same comment in her direction and she flips him off without interrupting her conversation and in all things, Sam wishes that she could be exactly like Kate. Not only does the exact same uniform that she’s wearing look completely perfect on Kate, but she seems wholly comfortable in it. In her own skin. Something Sam isn’t sure she’ll ever be able to master at this rate.

The feeling of her skin being stretched too tight across her bones only increases when Kate’s friend Deena sits in her desk behind and to the left of Sam’s and it takes everything within her not to turn around and look at her. Lately, it seems like all Sam ever wants to do is look at Deena and she’s trying not to let herself think too hard about why that is. Instead, she just flips her math book open to the pages listed on the board, desperate to give herself something else to focus on. Something other than the feeling of everyone, or so it seems, staring at her and her stupid uniform.

Except when Sam lifts her gaze, most people in the room seem to have shifted their focus to something else, allowing her to thankfully fade into the background once more. Though the sensation of being watched isn’t gone, not entirely, and when Sam glances behind her, she’s surprised to find her eyes meet Deena’s immediately. There’s no mistaking that she’s completely caught Deena in the act of staring at her, especially if the blush that spreads across Deena’s face is any indication.

They both look away with a swiftness that would almost be funny if Sam wasn’t so acutely aware of the sound of her own pounding heart. She bows her head toward her textbook with more focus than she’s surely ever shown before, desperate to resist temptation to look back in Deena’s direction and see if she’s chancing another glance her way.

Hopefully she isn’t, because Sam isn’t entirely sure that she’s doing a good time biting down on the smile that is struggling to make itself known. Something about Deena’s gaze on her, on her thighs, her knees, the calves left unhidden by her socks makes her feel completely different than she had when she’d walked down the hallway and had felt the attention of the boys she passed.

There’s something about Deena’s gaze that she doesn’t mind at all.

~ ~ ~

When Kate had walked out of her house that morning in her cheerleading uniform, Deena hadn’t given her a second glance. Had barely registered that her friend had traded her usual vibrant colors and overalls for the blue and white of Shadyside High. And even though Deena had spent most of the drive arguing with Kate about putting her feet up on the dash as she pulled on her knee highs and adjusted the fit of her skirt, Deena’s mind had been on countless other things.

Now it seems like there’s only one thing on her mind. That goddamn uniform.

It’s all she can see now. All she can think about.

No offense, Kate. But it looks entirely different on Sam. Sam, who has worn a pair of tights or jeans every day since the start of the school year -not that Deena has been paying attention or anything- who has now traded her usual look out for skin…er a skirt. Right, a skirt.

And her bare legs.

Jesus, she needs to pull herself together. Sam has already caught her staring and she’s not sure that she can justify being busted again, not without looking like a total creep. But the sight of Sam sitting just a few desks away has set her pulse galloping and not like it normally does. Sam is always a distraction but today…today it seems like the universe has decided to borrow from a handful of Deena’s fantasies and bring them to life right in the middle of math class.

Terrible timing, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Poor Mr. Hollis. He doesn’t stand a chance today, not with Sam in a skirt that shows off the curves of her knees, the soft backs of her calves, just enough skin to well and fully distract Deena from polynomials. She might not survive football season. She might actually be worse off than the actual football players.

Something hits the side of her head and Deena blinks, whipping her head around in the direction of the projectile. Kate is smiling at her innocently, completely unbothered by the daggers Deena is attempting to glare in her direction. If only looks really could kill.

Kate points toward the balled-up piece of paper on Deena’s desk and when Deena rolls her eyes, she just points at it again with more emphasis until Deena gives her another eye roll for good measure but smooths out the paper, narrowing her eyes at the two words Kate has written there. Stop drooling.

Deena glares, keeping eye contact with Kate as she balls up the note again, just barely resisting the urge to throw it back at her. Kate is totally not worth getting chewed out by Mr. Hollis for passing notes. Besides, who cares. She is not drooling. She is not looking at Sam…right there in front of her and impossible to miss. With her hair pulled back in a scrunchy, the collar of her uniform perfectly ironed, the pleats of the skirt falling perfectly across her thighs.

Deena barely manages to swallow down a groan, scrubbing a hand across her face. If ever she hoped to actually say a coherent sentence to Sam, it certainly won’t be when she dressed like that.

~ ~ ~

The past few months have been full of revelations…most of them in the form of Deena Johnson. Sure there was that whole thing when she was ten and her best friend at the time invited her over for a sleepover the same weekend her older sister came back from college and Sam couldn’t figure out why she was blushing and giggling the whole time her friend’s sister painted their nails and did their hair and why she was so disappointed every time she went back to her friend’s house after that and her sister wasn’t there. And freshmen year, when she’d realized that she was a little more interested in the homecoming queen than in her king, like most of the other girls in the class seemed to be. And, really, it had been easy to ignore all those things, to chalk it up to curiosity and nothing more.

But with Deena it’s definitely…something more.

Looking at Deena makes Sam feel the way nothing else ever has. It brings everything into sharper focus, like the world has always been blurry around the edges and she just never noticed before. It makes her heart beat out of a different rhythm, something louder and fuller and richer that vibrates through every inch of her body and makes her want to giggle and blush the way she did when she was ten, but it makes her want to do a hell of a lot more than that too. It makes her want to do something really, really stupid like unstick the words from the back of her throat and tell Deena how she feels, to take a chance and see if she might possibly feel the same way.

The possibility of having any sort of coherent conversation with Deena about anything, let alone all the terrifying but thrilling thoughts rattling around in her head, seems like an absolute lost cause when the Shadyside band takes the sidelines and she sees Deena in her uniform and has a revelation of an entirely different sort.

Because.

Well.

There’s a cliché in there somewhere.

Sam turns away before Deena, or anyone, can notice her staring, though she isn’t sure how she would ever explain how red her cheeks are and how her mouth has suddenly gone dry. Who would’ve thought that navy pants and sleeves with silver piping would be so…heart stopping? Tempting?

Swallowing, Sam tries to glance back in Deena’s direction out of the corner of her eye. Even the hat on top of Deena’s head somehow doesn’t detract from how appealing the rest of her looks, even though it’s sitting askew on her curls and the feathery plume is wilting. It makes Sam want to push her hat on straight, to run her fingers through those curls, to trace the curve of Deena’s cheekbones with her-

If she doesn’t stop now, she’s going to forget every step of the cheer routines she’s supposed to be doing and drop Ashley right on her ass. So, Sam tries to push her thoughts from Deena…for Ashley’s sake, of course.

And she does a great job of it, all through the whole first quarter. She cheers with the best of them. She acts like it somehow isn’t completely demoralizing to cheer on the very terrible Shadyside High football team. And she doesn’t once glance to her left where, a few yards away, the band is doing a lot of standing around.

Until the sound of Deena’s laugh cuts through the jeering of the opposing team’s fans and Sam can’t resist the urge to look, to catch a glimpse of that smile, to study with envy the person who had managed to make Deena laugh like that. Deena is grinning at Simon in his mascot getup and Sam can’t help but smile as well, watching the two of them together. Deena has a nice smile. A great one in fact.

And the navy blue of the uniform really brings out Deena’s…freckles.

Thank God no one can hear the thoughts running through her mind right now.

Except Deena picks that exact moment to look in her direction and oh shit maybe Deena can hear what she’s thinking right now and any minute she’s going to look at Sam with this intense look of disgust and…

And smile at her.

Deena’s eyes are on hers so there’s no denying that the smile is for her, for Sam, that Deena looks at her and her first impulse is to smile. And Sam certainly can’t help the grin that spreads across her face in return. And some stupid or maybe stupid brave part of her points toward her own head and mouths I like your hat and Deena rolls her eyes, shaking her head.

But she’s still grinning so Sam counts that as a win.

Especially because Deena is still smiling at her.     

[twelvedaysinaugust]

I would also love to know what it is about Louis’ fans that makes him feel such a strong connection to them despite everything they do that’s a little invasive.

We obviously only can speculate but..I imagine it might be the unconditional love and loyalty fans invest to support him and to engage in fandom so passionately. This fandom is really fucking invasive and very hard to deal with at times especially when you turn people against you (ask Lisa from bmg or the skinner brothers hahaha). But Louis knows he has our back, no matter what. He can do whatever and he can count on us, we proved it many times. And I feel like he is a very self reflected person and aware of his feelings and also of his past and the mistakes he did back then which maybe other people would get canceled for. The relationship with us that he has, considering his background with the lgbt and some of the controversial things he’s done over his time in the spotlight (and maybe even before he was famous) I guess he doesn’t take it for granted that the same community he has offended/ turned against him a few times is so fond over him and so many queer people identify with him and find comfort in his space. I don’t think that’s something you can explain (as fans we could but Louis himself, not sure). And i can imagine that he regrets a few things he’s done (the tweets from 2014 for example). But his fans were there and are still here and they have forgive him/ have great empathy for him and view him as a great ally (and consider him part of the community as well). I know I can’t speak for him so of course, this is just me speculating but I can imagine that he is deeply thankful for having been in a place where he was allowed to make mistakes and to be confused and to be in a position now where he still has the same people by his side to this day. That his fans always allowed him to explore and to find himself and to change the way he wanted to without leaving him at any point. Idk but this is how I feel when looking at these seas of pride flag at every show. I’m pretty sure that he learned from us as well. (And you know some people love to claim he used to be homophobic which I find debatable but honestly in that case his fanbase is probably the best thing that could have happened to him.)

I do think about this a lot. I hope that Louis feels supported by his fans and by the environment at his shows. I tend to think he does, given certain comments he's made.

I often think about how rainbows are the most prominent queer symbol at Louis' shows, but sometimes I wonder how much that particular symbol resonates with Louis. I see posts from time to time asking why can't Louis verbally acknowledge the flags and the rainbow lights projects - at least in a manner that would position himself as an ally. And I have no way of knowing how Louis feels of course, but I've long thought that rainbows stopped being a safe queer symbol for Louis to openly interact with after the rainbow Apple t-shirt and the Independent article. I imagine that he feels like he can't openly acknowledge the rainbows without outing himself (and I think he's probably right). Anyway, just storytelling on my part. I could be way off-base, but it's something that's been in the back of my mind a lot this year.

[messyo5]

I don't know if I'll ever love the same as I did for her.

In the late dredges of night when the world closes its eyes I lay with hooded lids thinking about the time I slipped my head on her chest for 5 seconds

The way her heart beat like a humming bird and the way I felt mine reflect the same tempo.

I think of the greens and browns of her sweaters I think of the way her hair smelled with the wool comforts.

I imagine what would happen had I said anything.

I imagine my head on her chest again, hand fisted in a t shirt while I tell her.

All she deserved, the peace, the war, the thoughts she gave me. I confessed it all in my dreams, the deep seated instinct she had coaxed out of me to please, protect, kiss, hug, love her so much she could feel truly really safe. I praise her with soft kisses and girlish compliments to charm and flatter. I'd worship her with presses of skin and the deepest words I could draw from myself unfiltered by the constraints of bystanders, shame, guilt. I'd only ever question her in her choice to choose me. I'd serve, promise to do for her all she wants, desires, needs, anything I'd do for her. I'd promise to do anything for her, and where most promises have doubt this would be clear. I'd make it crystal how dedicated to her I want to be.

I think about the way she'd stutter or mutter as I tell her how perfect she is, how I know that her hair is frizzy, I know she thinks her freckles are too much, I know she thinks she's a horrible person sometimes, but she needs to know that she's so painfully human to me it's the essence of perfection as far as I'm concerned. I want to tell her she's the perfect manifestation of the first love you hear about in songs when you listen to our stupid town's country radio too late at night.

I'd make her feel so loved. With every ounce of my body and mind she'd be loved. With every atom I'd value her. I wanted to give her a love she'd never forget. Better than any boy, better than any half assed date, better than anything earthly I'd love her to heaven, hell, and beyond. I wanted to mark her with my speech, sear the eloquence of the words she placed onto my mind into her own sweet head.

I want to tell her I'm sorry and I want to get on my knees to apologize for the way I let her down. I knew I had the opportunity to be with her but the impending definite end of my failure was too much for my prideful ass to deal with. I want to make her Cain and I the inflictor of pain if it means she knows how sorry I am. How sorry I am that I know I'd make the same choice again. Which is why we couldn't work out anyways.

She's the one who could shamelessly love. When I confess to her she'd be so shocked, so confused to hear that someone loved her like that. But at least she'd believe me. I want to tell her I'm sorry for my pessimism. I want to tell her how much I missed with her. The biggest mistake I made by simply doing nothing.

In the late dredges of the night I think of her. I know I've distanced the love I felt for her from myself. But I don't think I've fully gotten over it. I don't think I ever will. She serves a lesson and I served as a warning. I am the one with the neon sign now that says "do not become me". She is the gentle teacher and the one that got away. But she didn't leave. She waited for me without my asking. She still sticks around.

Call it the queer experience, whatever you want. But I couldn't bear to ruin a friendship with her or raise suspicion in my home. It is what it is. She's the one that made me realize how deeply I felt for girls but I just wish she could've come later, when we're freer. Oh all the things I'd say to her.

[azusaluvclub]

weak hero headcanons ; the union's families

hellooooo !! i just wanna preface this by saying these are just my thoughts and if you have your own i’d love to hear ‘em !!!!!! aside from jake + donald, we’ve never seen much of the union guys’ families and i’m not sure we will. if any of this turns out not-canon tho, wellllll :,)

i'll make a follow-up post for the eungang, but in the meanwhile pls enjoy !! + if u wanted to see any other characters, feel free to send an ask ;3

tw: dysfunctional families, mentions of abuse, death mention

jimmy bae / bae jihoon

⋆ jihoon’s family is pretty small, with it just being him and his grandma. his parents haven’t been in his life for a long time, so his relationship with them is strained, to say the least-

⋆ his parents weren’t ready for a kid when they had him, nor was their marriage the most loving; lots of fighting, both verbal and physical. he was often at school or with his grandma, so he wasn’t too exposed to it, but it affected him nonetheless ;; when he showed up to his grandma’s with a bruised wrist, she moved him in with her w/ the promise that she'd always keep him safe

⋆ she's tried her best to give him a good life and while he struggles w/ expressing it, he's incredibly grateful; she's one of the few people he doesn't give shit to lol

⋆ they spend plenty of time together when jihoon isn't busy !! his favorite thing to do after a long day is watch late-night tv together, while enjoying some of his granny's homemade samgyetang (he's totally not a grandma's boy, but he loves her cooking over anything else lol). helps her in the kitchen p often, be it cooking or baking; he says it's so he's not living off convenience store food when he's older, but in reality ?? he likes how rewarding it is when the food comes out right :))

⋆ plus, the silly conversations they have are v comforting~

⋆ he'll never say it, but deep down he wishes things with his parents were different. he acts like he doesn't give a fuck, that he's better off anyway, yet secretly yearns for their love ;;; its part of his pride as he wants to prove — not just to them, but to himself — that he's stronger without them, while simultaneously wishing they'd even care

⋆ grandma bae always reminds him of how special and loved he is, tho :(( and despite how he feels, jihoon wouldn't want to be raised by anyone else~

jake ji / ji hakho

⋆ we already know about kenny, but i still wanted to write a bit about the rest of the ji family sooo !! 

⋆ it's just them and their momma ! their dad walked out a few years back, right before kenny joined manwol and the whole incident ;; they've seen him once or twice since, for holidays, but even that was over a year ago- both are still coming to terms with it, since they adored their dad so much ;; hakho especially, who can't help but feel abandoned

⋆ the only person he confides in about his troubles (other than dean) is his brother; he trusts him more because he can relate to him in ways his friends can't, and kenny gives the best advice, so he feels there's nobody he can rely on more :(( bc he admires him so much, kenny's approval is also important to hakho, who feels guilty for getting involved in delinquent gang shit despite how desperately kenny tried protecting him from it ;; he wants nothing more than to make him proud, but right now ?? he fears he's only letting him down

⋆ little does he know that kenny loves + supports him regardless, because what kinda brother would he be if he didn't ??

⋆ they have an alright relationship with their mom- their dad was the main parent, while mom worked full-time, so she never had time to really bond with the boys ;; now, being a single parent, it's made it all the more apparent just how absent she's been. she's trying her best to be more involved, though it's hard ;; she often gets frustrated because she wants them to stop getting in trouble and just . be what she wants; what she fails to realize is that they're going to make mistakes, and they're depending on her for guidance and understanding :// she'll come around eventually, but...

⋆ they do have a dog !! he's 6-7 years old + was kenny's dog first, so he's more attached to him than hakho lol ;; he's a super energetic German Shepherd named ddori, and they're currently training him to be something of a service pet, to help out kenny during his recovery :))) it works out well, since lil ddori loves having tasks to do (and it keeps him from making messes lol)

⋆ overall their home life is very simple !! hakho often hopes that his life will miraculously go back to how it was before his dad left, although it won't change everything with kenny ;; he knows it's a moot point, but a part of him will always being wishing — and waiting — for things to be "normal" again ,,,

wolf keum / keum seongje

⋆ maybe it’s just me, but seongje has always seemed like an older brother; to a younger sister, specifically (like . elementary school age) :D

⋆ she looks like a mini version of him: she’s got darker hair but it’s as unruly as his, and her eyes are a copy-paste of his own- the only thing she didn’t get is his personality, which is probably for the best :,) 

⋆ they were closer when seongje was little, although he wasn’t excited to be a brother at first- i imagine he was the kid who didn’t want siblings because then they'd get all the attention lol, but once he met his sister, his opinion changed very quick :)) because their parents were often busy with work (i see them as business people, like ceos or whatnot), he helped take care of her: made sure she was fed, got to school safe, etc.~ they didn't play toys or games together, because she'd always cry when she lost, but they had a sweet lil bond :((

⋆ during middle school he grew isolated from his family. his relationship with his parents wasn't the best, since they had their own plans for him as the eldest, and the weight of them was incredibly suffocating ;; his dad was always the worst about it, becoming verbally abusive when seongje didn't keep up with his expectations. it's all the more reason for him to hate being controlled by others, since it only reminds him of how stifling his parents are

⋆ but now, with all the fighting and drinking/smoking and shit, they're just.. disappointed. his mom is a little more forgiving because she still sees him as her baby, but his dad ?? not so much ,, he tries picking fights about it constantly, but seongje doesn't bother responding (and honestly ? he gave up trying to please them a longgg time ago)

⋆ a part of him wishes he hadn't pulled away from his sister, too, but he thinks there's no point in trying to be a "good" brother now- she still talks to him about her week and seongje (either out of habit or genuine care) makes her breakfast on the weekdays, when it's just the two of them. it's always something simple, like cereal or toast, but it's thoughtful :) he knows he'll never be someone she can look up to, but he's trying, in his own little ways~

forrest lee / lee sehan

⋆ he’s one of two kids (+ a puppy) born to a very doting set of parents :(( there's only a two-year difference between him and his little brother, but they act like oil and water- probably because his lil bro is the spoiled one, so he acts wayyy less mature than he should be

⋆ sehan looks out for him tho !! despite all their petty fights and rough-housing, he cares about him. so if ppl at school are giving him a hard time, or if he’s struggling with something, he always knows he can turn to sehan for some brotherly advice~

⋆ has a good relationship w/ his parents, too ! his mom works as teacher so she's a stickler about grades, but it actually benefits him bc he can always get her help with homework or whatnot. (tho she never does it for him lmao) he’s actually smarter than he seems bc of this :,) not an honor student or anything, but his parents are proud of him nonetheless~

⋆ his dad is a stay-at-home father who adores his kids v much !! he regularly showers them w/ gifts and tons of affection; he's not very good with saying "no" to them, either, so the two end up having plenty of leeway lol- the only thing their parents don't like is seeing sehan come home all bruised and bloodied — they can't help but worry !! they think he's being bullied and is too embarrassed to tell them buttt ,, if only they knew :,)

⋆ their puppy is a one year-old Jindo named bokdungi :(( he's a rescue dog and veryyy shy. however, lil bokdungi is pretty attached to sehan~ is typically found laying by his feet during dinner or cuddling w/ him on the couch while he watches tv (probably some mystery/crime drama, i can see him and his dad enjoying shows like that together loll)

⋆ overall he's got a good life and a happy family to support him :)) he often worries that they'll find out about the union and be disappointed — or worse,, but he tries not the think about it, and just enjoys how peaceful their home is right now

donald na / na baekjin

⋆ poor baekjin ,,,, he's been on his own for years now, so i don't think he has much family to talk about

⋆ his childhood was rough. love and stability were foreign concepts in his house, since his father was very abusive towards him and his mom — verbally and especially physically ;; it didn't help that his classmates were no different, so it seemed wherever he turned, there was always someone in his life letting him down

⋆ of course, his mom tried her best to support him. she was unemployed, but what little money she had she would spend on him ;; it wasn't fancy, only matchbox cars or toys from quarter machines, but baekjin cherished them nonetheless :(( his dad often broke them during his outburts, so baekjin would hide them until that also stopped working; the only one he has left is a mini figurine (probably some cartoon character knockoff, lol) that rests in his nightstand, for safekeeping ofc

⋆ his mom would bake often, too !! they didn't have much for food, but his mom was good at making breads and pastries from scratch, and he loved watching her do it ;; it's some of the only peaceful memories he has. probably why he's such a bread fiend now lol, but no matter how great the bakery ones are, they're just... not the same as his mom's ,,

⋆ despite this, there isn't much he can look back on fondly;; his dad had a lot of problems (i feel like alcoholism, but probably a lot of anger issues + narcissism as well) that he never dealt with, and instead inflicted his frustration onto baekjin and his mom ;; and while she tried to protect him when she could, she couldn't save him from it completely. it fucked him up, severely. so even those few good memories are hard to enjoy without all sorts of conflicting emotions bubbling up to surface

⋆ as for the rest of his family ?? he isn't close with them. his father kinda isolated them from both sides of the family, as a lot of abusers do, so he never got a chance to really know them ;; his uncle tried, though ! he'd send him birthday + christmas gifts, and would visit every so often, but they fell out of contact once baekjin escaped his situation :(( he knows he could seek him out and actually build an uncle-nephew bond w/ him, but he's so preoccupied with the union + depending solely on himself that he sees no point in relying on family now ;;

⋆ which is a shame, because if he did turn to them, his uncle and aunt would be more than willing to let him into their lives and show him how loving + nurturing a home can be :((

⋆ but for now, it's just him; and to baekjin, he's much better off that way

joo hwangmo

⋆ hwangmo enthusiasts… ARISEEEEE !!!!!!

⋆ hwangmo is a mommas boy i fear :( it's been the two of them his whole life, since his dad wanted nothing to do with raising him. it bugged him more when he was little bc he didn’t understand why his dad wasn’t around and thought it was his fault, but he's not as hurt now

⋆ has a lot of respect towards his mom for being a single, working mother :(( she raised him to be responsible, so he does his best to make her life a little easier lol + it's his way of appreciating her. helps out a lot around the house, cleans up after himself, cooks dinner once a week, etc- she still makes his lunches, tho :,)

⋆ they have a good relationship tho !! they try and make time to go out and do fun things like karaoke or bowling~ his mom worked in a salon for years, so he lets her practice on his hair so her skills don't get rusty, lol- he tries to hide all the fights he gets into, but his mom's intuition is stronger than he thinks. she doesn't bug him about it, because he's a good kid otherwise, but she worries ;;

⋆ is also really close with his grandparents !! his grandpa more-so, since he's always been a father-figure to hwangmo. he's the first person hwangmo goes to for advice, and some of his fondest memories are from going fishing with him as a kid :((( his grandparents moved to the countryside not long ago, but he stays with them during school vacations, or calls them once in a while to chat

⋆ no siblings, but he does have a really old, chunky Himalayan cat named geureumi to fill the void :,) she's friendly but a lil toooo clingy. hwangmo doesn't mind, but bc she sleeps by his legs at night, he worrries about kicking her off the bed by accident-

hayden ma / ma seokhee

⋆ DEF an only child, and a spoiled one at that- 

⋆ his mom and dad both work in the health/beauty industry ! his dad as an mua and his mom as an esthetician. when he was little he would often follow his dad to work (who begrudingly let him-) and found the amount of effort and creativity put into makeup to be super fascinating~

⋆ an aside; because of this, seokhee for sure fux around with makeup- like. yes he canonly wears black lipstick but you can’t tell me he doesn’t spend 15 minutes every morning putting on eyeliner + concealer too… i feel like his parents encouraged his self-expression from a young age, even thru all his weird phases :,) that being said, he’ll never admit that he moonlights as an mua; took him until the end of middle school to own up to the lipstick, only because he spent the first years trying to convince everyone that “no it’s just how my lips look, i swear-”

⋆ his parents divorced when he was in middle school ;; his dad has custody, but he stays with his mom on the weekends + holidays/vacation. he likes living with her more than his dad because she actually cares about him ;; his dad is a workaholic and just... isn't that interested in seokhee's life :// very emotionally distant; he tries buying his love with expensive gifts, but what seokhee really wants is for him to ask about his day, or listen when he talks ,,, it's kinda why he's so desperate for attention and feeling included, because he doesn't get that at home (and also he's just really arrogant...)

⋆ his mom is better about parenting him, tho. maybe not as involved as she could be, but she doesn't take the time she gets with him for granted :)) they often go on trips when he's out of school !! not super far, but he enjoys getting away and spending time together~ his favorite place they've gone is Jeju Island; they visited the waterfalls there not long after his parents' divorce and it was... comforting, in a way

⋆ his dad has a Bichon Frise named heoni ! her and seokhee do NOT get along, unfortunately ;; he was a stupid kid and played w/ her too much, and so she bit off a chunk of his finger off in return :/// he's tried making it up to her by giving her toys and treats but... she's not having it-

⋆ once he's older, he realizes just how shitty he was to his parents at times, and part of him regrets being so difficult- he's not good with apologies, so he never actually says "sorry", but he tries making up for it by being a little less selfish and a little more appreciative-

—

BONUS~

myles joo / joo seungjin

⋆ he’s cursed to be the middle child... has two brothers — though they're not as close as they once were — and they all live together with their dad who works as a store manager !

⋆ their mom died when seungjin was in elementary school;; it was a freak accident, so his memory of it is fuzzy, but it was the catalyst to their bonds dwindling. they all handled their grief differently, so while his brothers chose to move on over time, seungjin acted out instead

⋆ he used to really look up to his older brother; they would shoot hoops together and stay up late playing video games, until they’d get chased into their rooms by their v disgruntled dad- now his brother’s busy with college and whatnot, so it’s hard for them to see eye-to-eye ;; deep down, seungjin’s brother wants him to stop w the whole delinquent shit, and seungjin just wants his brother to understand him for once — but neither are good communicators ://

⋆ their dad isn't great, either;; he's always put his attention towards seungjin's brothers, never caring about what seungjin did unless it was something he could complain about. he's always overlooked him, so seungjin figures that if it (or he) doesn't matter anyway, he'll just do as he pleases. his dad bitches about it, but never actually does anything; to him, it's just a lost cause ://

⋆ their lil bro is a sweetie tho !!! thinks seungjin is a total badass bc of the fights he gets into, even when he loses- also thinks his hair is cool; loves watching him dye it while being totally mesmerized loll (keeps asking him to dye his hair, too, but big bro refuses ... he's pissed their dad off enough already)- he follows him around like a lost puppy, whenever seungjin is actually home ;; he doesn't really get why, but he knows he was probably just as annoying at that age, so while he grumbles about how clingy he is, he tries to appreciate it :,) (though he wishes he could be a better example, like their older brother was for him)

⋆ the only time they all get along is when visiting their mom's memorial. it's hard on them, no matter how long ago it happened;; seungjin especially, since he never truly dealt with her passing. it's one of the few times he's vulnerable with his family, and vulnerable with himself — though it took him forever to get to that point. he'll accept it, eventually, but he's not sure he can let go ;;

[monocaelia]

tending to their wounds

they cannot evade death. but with you around, they're invincible.

feat. albedo, childe, diluc, kaeya, kazuha, xiao

genre : headcanons, fluff, angst [for xiao and kazuha], hurt/comfort

warnings : blood and injury. death mention. minor cursing.

❀ albedo

it's to no one's surprise that albedo isn't human, meaning he doesn't have the same bodily functions as the others in mondstadt do. his body cannot bleed nor can he feel much pain. that's not to say he can't at all, but a simple prick from a piece of shattered flask can't really do the young alchemist any harm.

flasks breaking or nicking himself while conducting his own research never really phased the alchemist. despite the warnings his assistant gave him about laboratory safety, he didn't need to heed them if the injuries didn't apply to him, did he?

it's safe to say that the chief alchemist is... perplexed to say the least at seeing you worry over him. he wasn't expecting you to come rushing through his laboratory door when you heard the sound of falling glass and nearly climbed over all of his equipment to come to his aid.

"really, you shouldn't have to worry," his gentle voice reassures you, but his attempts to calm you down are futile. instead, albedo is met with your furrowed brows in concentration and your fingers brushing against his as you inspect his invisible wounds.

"yeah well, maybe if you were more careful in your laboratory i wouldn't be here worrying over you, would i?" albedo sighs at your response and decides to let you do as you please to his 'injuries.'

the alchemist's teal eyes follow your movements as you reach for the bandages in the first aid kit and begin to wrap them around his finger tips. he doesn't miss the way your tongue pokes out from between your lips as you concentrate on the task in front of you.

despite not needing to worry much about him, albedo finds it endearing that you care so much about his wellbeing. how much you care about him, how often you check up on him and make sure he never overworks himself. you truly are a caring individual, a ray of warm sunshine in his life.

you meet albedo's gaze when your name leaves his lips, eyes filled with curiosity at what he could possibly want.

"thank you for tending to me." he thanks you with tender smile on his face, his spare hand gently ruffling your hair. the flustered expression on your face is hard to miss, especially when you quickly duck your head down and away from the alchemist.

you stutter out that 'this is nothing!' and continue on wrapping albedo's faux injuries. though, the alchemist finds the way your hands shake as they brush against his skin adorable.

❀ childe

childe is a war criminal, in case you missed it. it's not uncommon to find the young man fighting an entire hoard of enemies by himself. the thrill of battle never seems to be enough for him, as he constantly seeks anything that could satiate his need for exhilaration.

finding scars or fresh injuries on the harbinger is the usual for you, regardless of whether or not they're shallow wounds or deep gashes that gush blood and stain your poor floor. not that childe minds anyways, he sees his battle scars as medals of the many fights he has won and wears them with pride.

but, despite being one of the fatui harbingers and an absolute beast on the battlefield, that doesn't stop you from worrying about his wellbeing.

your brows furrow in concern at the sight of childe in front of you; body worn from using his foul legacy form one too many times in succession and injuries sustained from his earlier fight. he shouldn't have protected you, really you could have protected yourself. and yet...

"you're going to ruin yourself if you keep going into your other form all the time, you know." childe laughs weakly at your lecturing; that's all he can do right now anyways. you catch your lip in between your teeth as you rub a cooling ointment on the harbinger's body. "this isn't funny. you can't just die. then no one would be the eleventh harbinger and you-"

"i would leave you alone?" childe smiles when you send him a glare. his rough hand finds yours, squeezing it lightly in reassurance. there's not a chance in the world that he would succumb to death just yet. childe is still young, and there are many others that he hasn't had the pleasure of fighting against.

and he sure as abyss can’t pass away without saying how he truly feels about you.

you grumble to the snezhnayan that you could've handled it all alone, that you didn't need him to go all berserk on the ruin guards that had surrounded you earlier. instead, childe laughs and places a weak hand on your forearm. "i know, but that was the perfect time to show you just how well i can fight. maybe then, you'll finally accept my feelings."

a white lie, really. even though childe knows that you could've handled it yourself, he acted on instinct back then. the thought of you being harmed in any way sends a chill down the harbinger's spine. he wouldn't forgive himself if he reacted a second too late and you ended up hurt as a consequence.

what's the point of harboring the power of the abyss if he couldn't protect the ones he loved.

you roll your eyes at his answer, choosing to quietly resume cleaning up childe's wounds in hopes that he doesn't say anything more embarrassing. as your fingers brush against the snezhnayan's freckled skin, you don't miss the way he leans towards your touch and the happy hum rumbling from his chest.

❀ diluc

the darknight hero is not one to lose his battles, let alone allow any of his enemies lay a finger on him. trained by the knights and his own father, diluc's fighting style is difficult to intercept and finding a weak spot in his defense is futile. even if his sword is too slow, his fists will be glad to meet those that oppose him.

that isn't to say he doesn't get hurt every now and then. you've caught him with bandages wrapped around his hand, blood soaked gauze around his torso. as long as the job was done, diluc didn't mind the wounds he received in battle.

he isn't used to others tending to his wounds, as nobody really knows he's the darknight hero and protects mondstadt in the middle of the night. so when you catch him in the act of cleaning his wounds and offer to help, he kind of freezes up.

diluc wants to decline your offer, sure that he could finish this up by himself. and besides, he doesn't want to burden you with his consequences so late at night. but he knows you would keep bugging him and complain later that he didn't "love you" or whatever dramatic act you'd be committing in the near future.

it's hard to look at you when you're so close to the red haired vigilante. granted, diluc has always been pretty close with you, seeing as the two of you grew up together and shared most of your memories with one another (and kaeya).

but being physically close to you... is another story. your fingers lightly touching his skin, your face so close to his as you inspect other wounds on his body, your hands roaming the expanse of his chest to remove his shirt in case it hid any other injuries you could have missed.

diluc's hands twitch when you inch even closer to him. if he wanted to, it would take one swift movement to have his lips on yours. one swift movement to hold you in his arms and feel the way your skin melts into his.

but the vigilante has self-control and would rather die than make you uncomfortable.

diluc releases a shaky breath when you finally move away from his body, though it's only a brief moment of respite since you immediately move back into your previous position after grabbing more bandages. absolutely perfect for the poor vigilante.

he clears his throat when your hands slide down his arms to reassure the pressure is enough to keep his wounds from reopening and bleeding out. it is then that you realize what you've been doing to the poor red haired man and how close you've been to him and his body.

"oh? what could you possibly be thinking about, mr. ragnvindr?" you tease, raising an eyebrow and sending diluc a playful smile. you fail to suppress your laughter when he scrunches up his face and turns his face away from you, his ears burning a wonderful shade of bright pink.

"i think it's time for you to leave." shocked, you try and apologize and get him to let you stay a little bit more. the night is still young, and he still has more injuries to be looked at! but diluc pays you no mind.

not like he'd have the heart to actually kick you out of his room anyways.

❀ kaeya

the captain of the calvary isn't one to fight, always looking for people to do his dirty work so he doesn't have to. why bother exerting more energy than you already have when you can make others do it for you? it's more fun that way, anyways.

that doesn't mean kaeya is incapable of fighting. if needed to, the blue haired captain would gladly point his sword at the enemy to keep them at bay or spar a fellow knight. scratches and shallow scrapes are what you mostly see from him.

you aren't expecting to be called into the knights of favonius headquarters and be greeted by the calvary captain battered up and bruised in the infirmary.

"you're squeezing me too hard," kaeya comments nonchalantly, as if he isn't bleeding to death on the bed right now. "you'll cut off circulation in my arm if you keep doing that." you shoot him a glare, but the blue haired captain only laughs at you. you tighten the bandage on his arm.

you refuse to get tangled up in anymore of kaeya's antics. it's all his fault you've aged ten years because of him and his stupid actions and refusing to ask for help despite the mission being bigger than anyone could handle. alone at least. it's not like you don't trust him, but a little extra help isn't bad to have.

your frown deepens when your eyes flit up to stare at the blood soaked shirt covering kaeya's chest. you order him to take it off so you can inspect his injury, which was a mistake on your part.

"oh? shouldn't you ask me on a date first before being this forward?" kaeya's laughter rings around the infirmary seeing your deadpan expression at his joke. maybe you should just leave, just leave this stupid man to bleed to death on this infirmary bed. maybe then you would finally be at peace.

"well. maybe i would have asked you on a date if you weren't so stupid to take this dumb mission alone. you could have died, asshole." kaeya only hums in response, which pisses you off even more. it's like he didn't have a care in the world.

in the midst of your grumblings and cleaning of kaeya's wounds, you miss the tender look he gives you; warm and gentle. the captain finds it nice to have someone care for someone like him after so long.

it wasn’t his fault he wanted to do this alone. well, it was, but it’s hard for kaeya to rely on others and be vulnerable to those around him despite how long he’s known them. his walls are built high, refusing to let anybody in in case he accidentally hurts them in the future.

he wonders if you'd miss him if he disappeared one day, but the way your brows furrow in concern at seeing how bad the gash in his chest confirms his answer.

kaeya’s endearing, warm smile is replaced with the usual smug smirk when you look up to meet his gaze. one day, he hopes he’ll be able to let his walls down around you.

"you know, you're really cute when you worry over me. maybe i should get injured more often." the look of shock at kaeya's comment is evident on your flustered face and it takes everything in him to not laugh and open up his wounds again.

❀ kazuha

kazuha isn't one to easily get injured, well at least seriously injured. he was raised by a prestigious family, trained in the arts of the kaedehara clan. with the help of his prior knowledge of fighting and his keen senses, it's hard to one-up the young man to the point of injury.

that isn't to say he has never sustained any injuries. there have been one too many times that the inazuman traveller has shown up at your door with a couple of scrapes and an apologetic smile on his face.

so, it's a surprise when you find kazuha at your doorstep severely injured and clutching something in his burned hand.

it's quiet between the two of you as your eyes scan kazuha's body for any more injuries and your hands quickly move to tend to his right hand. the skin is burnt, bleeding, and his fingers shake from the injuries it sustained.

you whisper an apology to the inazuman when you gently clean the wounded skin with a warm cloth. he doesn't flinch, dazed eyes still staring off in front of you. it makes you wonder what kazuha went through to be injured this badly. though, seeing as the only serious injury was his right hand, you assumed it wasn't from a fight.

"kazuha... what happened to you?" your words are gentle, afraid your voice would scare the inazuman traveller in front of you. kazuha doesn't respond and instead tightens the grip he has on your hand that's bandaging him. his hand is shaking, and you don't realize he's crying until you feel the wet teardrops on your skin.

ruby eyes glazed with tears meet your own when your eyes flick up to confirm that he was indeed crying.

"tomo..." the crack in his voice shatters your heart and you find yourself pulling kazuha into your arms. his own circle around you and his hands grip onto the back of your shirt as he buries his face into your shoulder.

kazuha's body shakes as he sobs at the loss of his friend. he must have held it in until he got to the safety of your home. you were always his safe haven; coming over so you could tend his light wounds and provide a roof over his head if he was passing by your village.

and yet all you can do now is hold him until the storm inside his heart passes by.

❀ xiao

being in pain or having many injuries litter the expanse of his skin isn't unusual for xiao. he's an adeptus whose sole purpose is to serve rex lapis and protect the citizens of liyue, even if it meant throwing his life away.

even then, sustaining larger, more painful wounds didn't make the adeptus bat an eye. despite how horrible it sounds, xiao is used to it all and takes each hit and laceration that comes his way without blinking an eye.

when karmic debt constantly takes a toll against your health and death is the only solution to reaching true peace, it's hard to care about the state of your own wellbeing.

so imagine xiao's surprise when he shows up at the wangshu inn battered and bruised from dealing with a hoard of monsters and seeing you standing in the yaksha's usual spot, waiting for him with a frown etched into your face.

nimble fingers work deftly against xiao's body, quickly cleaning up the lacerations on the adeptus' chest and the scrapes that cover his arms. xiao releases a hiss from the sting of the medicine and you apologize under your breath.

"i knew you would end up like this." your words come out harsher than you intend to. the adeptus doesn't respond. as long as he was the only casualty to come out of this, as long as the innocent lives of liyuens were protected, as long as you were safe behind the walls of the wangshuu inn, it didn't matter how badly his body was injured.

"i just... i just wished you weren't so careless, xiao." the way your voice breaks doesn't go unheard by the yaksha. his eyes snap forward, but your head is tilted down as your shaky fingers worked their way around xiao's torso. "you're always fighting as if no one cared if you died or disappeared one day."

xiao doesn't get it. he doesn't understand why you care about him so much. a being fated to suffer until his dying days are over, one cursed with karmic debt and forced to carry the burdens of the innocent lives he took in his past.

no one should care about him. a monster with blood on his hands.

but here you are, shedding tears for an adeptus who didn't deserve it. the sole yaksha who is fated to succumb to the sweet embrace of death at any given moment.

and yet, despite knowing he doesn't deserve your gentle touch brushing over his wounds, the young adeptus lifts your face with a gloved finger and brushes away the tears that flow down your cheeks. he longs to continue holding you, to feel your skin against his. you're his temporary solace from the karmic debt that hangs over his heart.

an apology slips past xiao's lips, and you cry harder, calling him 'stupid' for almost dying out there. you bury yourself in his chest and he hugs you, afraid that if he let go, you would be nothing but a dream.

[4e7her]

october writing prompt #7 - accident + sick / injury

-

character: jamil viper, twisted wonderland - others mentioned

contains: oc used as main character - not an x reader, slight yandere themes, male main character

view the oc here. for basics, he's more or less a black panther beastman (referred to as hybrid, as they are different things, but similar) named yuujirou. you can read the fanfic i'm writing for him here (quotev) or here (ao3).

Looking at the serpent in front of him, Yuujirou couldn't help but purse his lips with just a hint of distaste - nothing against Jamil, of course, but rather against what him being here meant.

You see, it wasn't exactly an ideal situation that the hybrid found himself in. It never seemed like it was.

Kalim had drug him into attending one of Scarabia's infamously spontaneous parties last night, and Yuujirou had ended up becoming ill. Not that he minded - leaving the gathering early was all but a blessing.

But, today, he was unfortunately made to stay home. So, here he was in Ramshackle, resting as much as he could without having Grim in his sights. He hadn't been expecting Jamil, evidently, especially with the blankets he had draped around him like a cloak, and his obvious bed-head.

"...So. Kalim sent you?"

"Yes, he insisted upon it." Jamil sighed, his stony façade breaking as he studied the panther with sharp eyes, relaxing in his presence and adjusting the items in his hold. Likely, a form of apology from Kalim. "Where has Grim gone off too? I thought he'd be taking the day off from classes as well."

He seemed fine for the most part, the serpent noted, despite how urgent he had been to just get out last night. For a moment there, he had even seemed like he was going to run out without any supervision to ensure that he would recover.

Everyone knew how impossible it was to find the hybrid when he wanted to remain hidden, so Jamil had been tasked with coaxing him back to Ramshackle - something he took pride in doing well even if it had led to him seeing the more concerning notes of last night.

The hybrid had been sick, violently so, and dazed beyond belief. It was something... far from comforting to see, knowing how sharp and present Yuujirou was at all times. Keeping him focused and cooperative was nearly impossible, but somehow, he had figured it out. A fact he was quite proud of - and one that had depressed Kalim to no end.

The panther hummed lightly, bringing the other back to the present, relaxing at the thought of his cub and gesturing for Jamil to come sit at the dining table with him.

"Jade offered to look after him for the day when he came by with Floyd this morning. He was quite upset when he heard that I wouldn't be there to help him stay entertained today, and when it came up Jade mentioned that it was the least he could do since I'm ill, with how much Floyd clings to me."

Jamil took a seat parallel from him, but cringed at the mention of the eels. "I truly... do not understand how you and them get along so well. But, I suppose that's not truly my business... It's likely better that you don't have to watch Grim while you're recovering, anyways. He must be a handful."

A nod from Yuujirou, and a thoughtful hum, even if he wouldn't have described the kit like that himself he couldn't deny the statements truth.

There's a moment of comfortable silence, both of them relaxing in the quiet company, and then shuffling when Jamil starts to present the things that he had brought with him.

"...I did my best to help Kalim select things that you would find useful, but I wasn't sure if there was any differences in medicines between beastmen and hybrids. If anything is out of place, let me know." His tone is clipped, but not unfriendly, and Yuujirou nods in understanding as his tail lazily swishes behind him.

"How are you feeling? Really, I'm unsure of how this even happened - I'll ensure that I find the mistake and amend it accordingly. If there's outside work to blame, I'll correct whoever thought to do this."

Yuujirou cocked his head at the sudden dark tone that Jamil's voice took, attentive as he looked at him with curious eyes.

"I'm sure it was just an accident, Jamil." He soothed unintentionally, not even noticing how much the serpent softened upon hearing his smooth voice. "That, or perhaps it was just something I'm unused to. There's many foods like that here, I've found... And, combined with the noise..."

It's the others turn to be curious, this time, full attention affixed to the hybrid in front of him at the casual admittance of what seemed to be a continued issue.

"Oh?" He prompted, but upon only receiving a nod, continued. "That seems that it would be quite a possibility, as well... Perhaps I'll have to ensure that you're able to experience more of the cuisine of the Scalding Sands..."

"And of the noise... I wish there was more I could do." Jamil sighs heavily, a wrinkle on his nose to go with his distasteful expression.

His eyes flick to Yuujirou's ears, almost hidden in his messy black hair, before focusing back on his face. Looking closely, one might've noticed his pupils dilate ever so slightly and how the slightest flush creeped up to his cheekbones, betraying his true emotions. He truly did care for the hybrid, didn’t he?

Clearing his throat, he regains both his train of thought and his composure, and continues. "As fond as Kalim is of you, I'm not quite sure that he'd give up on getting you to attend his meaningless celebrations."

Jamil doesn't bother to hold back the undercurrent of disdain in his voice as he normally would, sighing with a roll of his eyes, being rewarded by an affirming hum coming from Yuujirou.

"...I'm sure we'll work out a solution." Is what he decides upon answering, nuzzling into the blankets around him without much a thought, not even paying attention to how the serpent's heartbeat quickened as he sighed out in obvious contentment.

"I'd like to go back to resting, I think." The panther states after a few more moments of silence, blinking and rubbing his slightly bleary eyes. "You're free to take a break and stay at Ramshackle for awhile, if you'd like. It would be nice to have some good conversation."

Visibly lighting up, Jamil agrees before he can stop himself, and decides that it won't be so bad to get a bit behind on his tasks.

As long as he gets to stay with Yuujirou, and see this vulnerable state that few others were allowed to, he would be happy. It takes a moment for him to gain his composure, but once he does he helps the hybrid back up, letting him lead the way to the couch.

They spend the next while in comfortable quiet conversation, lazing as much as they could afford, soon falling into much needed sleep in each others company.

This will be quite the sight for whoever stumbles into them, hm?

-

[click here to go to masterlist]

[unohanadaydreams]

How would the captains react to catching their partner cheating on them? I’m feeling angst tonight

Finally some good fucking food. Angst; it’s what’s for dinner and I’m chowing down with you, anon.

Features: angst. Some violence and torture with Gin and Mayuri.

How The Original Captains React To Being Cheated On:

Genryusai Yamamoto:

There’s little to no reaction. You wouldn’t be the first and won’t be the last to use him for status or money or petty bragging rights. Just another day.

Quietly, behind closed doors, he does mourn. Not for the loss of you, but for the prospect of starting again. He caresses the pretty things he’s bought you, each touch a vote for or against bothering.

If you come to him, apologetic and willing to repent, he’ll look past the transgression. Less work for him to undertake, in the end, and the power of demanding this is that in the name of forgiveness suits him.

Shunsui Kyoraku:

He can’t help but laugh. All those years chasing girls and washing his hands of the consequences come to catch him now that he’s standing still with just one hand holding his.

Business goes on as usual, but he’s sloppier around the edges—spilling sake on paper work, falling asleep against Jushiro’s grave, and forsaking the frequent partying he’s known for in lieu of furiously scribbling down the perfect love story he didn’t get.

Honestly, he’s willing to forgive if it wasn’t done out of love for the other person and there’s a willingness to work on the relationship. Shunsui has played the unfaithful lover more times than he can remember; being black out drunk more often than sober will do that to you.

Soi Fon:

She can’t speak and doesn’t bother. Throat closed with anger, she lets her body tell you where your relationship lies—thrown off the bed and kicked outside.

There’s nothing but hatred for you and humiliation for herself. Not just personally, but professionally; a leader of the 2nd division being caught unawares is irony at the cost of her reputation.

People are always leaving her behind once she trusts them. After weeks, she’ll ask you why. Because that’s always the question burning in her chest. Why can’t she be a person someone stays for.

Gin Ichimaru:

Cute, how you think you can shuffle off and away from him after getting caught. He doesn’t flinch, talking with conversational tones. Hey, sweetie, who’s your little friend? Aww, they don’t talk or some thin’?

There’s two options; submit to grueling public humiliation or die. Gin loves to have fun, after all. And, isn’t it fun having to watch the person you cheated with get toyed with like a mouse under kitty claws? Aren’t you having fun kissing the corpse? Wasn’t your silly mistake worth it?

Gin has never forgiven, forgotten, or turned down an opportunity to make someone who cares about him regret feeling so. Your life is hell and the jailor can’t decide whether to keep your head under boiling water or kill you. Fun!

Retsu Unohana:

The impulse to leave as the only one alive is temptation incarnate. She is firm, restrained, and digs into her cheeks until her teeth pop through.

She keeps waiting to calm, for the situation to become objective instead of the turmoil in her gut. Retsu is especially brusque with everyone while working, making every stitch job a painful one. Why is there always something. Why can’t all the change finally stick; why is she still glad to feel the pain so she can inflict it back?

The betrayal was the end and there’s years of coping methods that keep you from spilling your guts on a sword, but it feels like a very near thing to her. Professionally, she’s less kind, and your next set of wounds healed by the 4th get infected. Poor thing.

Sosuke Aizen:

As far as you know, he’s stricken with heartbreak and disappointment. His voice is a touch too loud when telling you off—others hear. And disapprove greatly. He asks any bystanders for their discretion towards his privacy, adding a tear or two for effect.

Your relationship being over matters little; dime a dozen are the people who’ll fall over themselves to be his. The audacity of treating him, your better, with such unfairness? Affects him like an itch under skin.

Of course, he forgives you. He makes a show of it and the number of people out for your unhappiness grows. How could you cheat on such a gracious, loving man? You are punished with little action from himself, the many shinigami who view him with starry-eyes doing their work without needing explicit instruction.

Byakuya Kuchiki:

There’s little to say or do outside of making it clear he wants you gone in a permanent way. Reaction is the thief of dignity, so he saves any emotion for when he’s alone.

Self flagellation is his favorite dessert and he is convinced the bitter taste reflects his character somehow. In a way, it speaks to his lack of care and dignity as a clan leader; what fully aware man could let this happen?

For you, there aren’t any chances let alone forgiveness. You’ve stung his pride in multiple ways and only social norms keep you from dying in a duel over it. But as a shinigami—as a captain—he has avenues to vent his vindication until he feels the crime has been payed for. Too bad for you that pride is worth it’s weight in gold for a Kuchiki.

Sajin Komamura:

He runs away from the situation as soon as possible. Of course you cheated on him; how foolish to think anyone would not. At least he knows now and can get back to his normal.

Being alone isn’t all bad. There’s more time for his pets, his company, and his training. Comforting, familiar, he can pretend this is how it always was. Just him, alone.

His lack of self-esteem outweighs his want for justice. It was unfair to subject anyone to…himself, anyway. He can’t blame you for wanting someone untouched by the curse of the beast.

Kaname Tosen:

There’s more anger than even you expect. Injustice in anything, especially something so personal, enrages him. But he has the self control and sense to only send you packing.

Still, it’s all he can think about. Better to be consumed by this than the glacial pace his better world is taking. You’re one of the people holding that goal back, he’s sure. He insists on a talk that’s really just a long, painful lecture.

People like you, who disregard what’s right, don’t deserve forgiveness and the upset within him darkens. Maybe there is a way you can make things right. They’re so close to perfecting the Arrancar and he’d like to see how you’ve contributed once his eyes open, finally able to see.

Toshiro Hitsugaya:

There aren’t any dramatics or punishments or even words to give you other than ‘goodbye’. He sees the break and he cuts it cleanly. There’s no need for anything else.

Largely he copes by doing what he always does—working, training, meditating. There are a few sips of alcohol and punches to his pillow, but you’re no longer someone he cares about. The ice has holed over the spot you took just fine.

You don’t exist to him anymore. If you try to apologize, his eyes will pass over you and he’ll remind you once before ignoring you again: He’s a captain and he’s closed the conversation and now he’s getting back to work. Goodbye.

Kenpachi Zaraki:

So you’re fucking somebody. Is that a big deal or something? Should he be hurt? Because all he can muster is annoyance.

And then he thinks about it. He lets it sink in that somebody was touching you while you’re his. Kenpachi understands the want to play, but isn’t love when someone is the best in your heart and only them? Like, strength but more fucking confusing.

He’s still undecided if there’s anything to forgive. He tells you to give it another go with him in the mix and likes the feeling better than walking in uninvited. So maybe it was just play…and maybe he’s more rough with you two than intended. But he leaves more content than he came, so he figures everything’s fine. He can always kill somebody later, once he’s figured it out for good.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi:

You’re knocked unconscious and so is the person you were in bed with. That’s the last you see of them or the world beyond one lab room.

Congratulations, you are now confined to a pill that is swallowed by gigai after gigai designed in your likeness. Isn’t he generous, letting you take part in his research still? Don’t you feel honored to still feel any part of his touch as he takes you apart somehow more painfully than the time before?

Because it is just research. He didn’t care about you enough to still feel enraged about it. This is purely out of principle, a logical response to your base actions. Don’t worry, it’s just forever.

Jushiro Ukitake:

The discovery is emotional and he struggles keep his dignity, especially when a coughing fit starts soon after. He can’t even tell you off without sickness leaking into the moment.

The spiral begins. You’re awful one moment and justified the next. He’s the victim, then the one who should’ve known. There was no good reason and then he coughs again and there’s one.

He could forgive you if you’re genuine and forthright with a reason that isn’t the weight which holds him under blankets or pushes blood past his lips. As long as the illness isn’t what poisoned the relationship, he could forgive you.

[everafterkeiji]

Could you write a Miya Osamu fic where Atsumu overhears and misunderstands a conversation between Osamu and his girlfriend causing Atsumu to jump to the conclusion that they’re breaking up and therefore, he (and the team) try to keep them together/remind that they love each other while Osamu and his girlfriend are just confused since they're still happily together?

hi! thank u so much for requesting also I'm sorry if it took long to finish (i really wasn't feeling myself) but i hope u have a good day/night<33

PAIRINGS: Osamu Miya x fem! reader

GENRE: fluff, very little angst

WORD COUNT: 2.5K

“Samu, you’re not helping.” You said, running a hand to your face in frustration. Osamu stares at you as his hands rest on his hip.

“Whatever, you’re no fun anyway.” He insults in return making you roll your eyes.

“No fun? Seriously?”

“Just leave then.” Your boyfriend exclaims resulting for you to release a scoff of disbelief while you reach for your bag.

Holy shit. Atsumu thinks, a rush of panic coursing through his body as he speeds away from this heartbreak of a scene. What the hell were you two fighting about? You and his brother were never like this or at least was hidden from the blondes existence but nonetheless, it worried him for the sake of you two especially at the distinct way your words were too sharp to be thrown at each other.

Wasn’t Osamu the type to clung onto you like a child so why did the tone of his voice alter in a manner he didn’t like since it was directed to you? Atsumu takes you as his best friend so if his brother were to act like a douchebag, he’d have to do something to avenge whatever tears you let out because of his twin. Everything was surprising him even if he’s seen you two act all intimate on the couch but to see a side of the relationship where it was rocky and unclear had him confused and anxious for what’s to come.

He watches as you walk away with tiresome eyes and he misses the opportunity to at least check up on you or bare a hand on your shoulder to calm you down if you were still fueling with rage.

You turned to Atsumu just to bid goodbye. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Tsumu!” You said before unlocking the door and leaving their house. The blonde turns to his side to his brother’s lips turned into a pout with a downpour of an expression written in his eyebrows and eyes. The setter assumed his twin was the one who raised his voice but he looks as miserable as you.

“I’m gonna go to sleep.” Osamu says, stretching his arms, a slight scratch to his eyes as he enters the room and closes it immediately. Atsumu thinks if both of you were trying to repair what happened but maybe pride had gone to be the barrier this time. His finger stays on his chin, trying to find a way for this tense atmosphere to disappear.

Fuck isn’t it like your anniversary the next few days? But why should he meddle with it? It’s up to you two to fix up your own problems but all that’s left to do for him was at least comfort both of you. He should give it a rest, he knows Osamu can’t stand a few days without you so he just visualizes this tiny argument to quickly vanish.

He wasn’t one to be involved in your relationship, he might be close to you but he’s never really witnessed a tough argument between you and his brother. Now that he’s seen and heard it first hand, he didn’t realize the instinct that comes with it. He just feels an overall feeling of worry and a sort of mechanism to check up to hear the sides of the story. If it’s one thing that he knows that can take his brother down to his knees, it’s obviously you so if you were going to rock-bottom, it’s going to drag his twin in whatever he does. Still, he settles for the decision to leave it for a while. He trusts Osamu can patch up a slight mistake or even if it was his fault to begin with.

The morning welcomes him, still curious to why Osamu still has that dejected look on his expressions. He didn’t even call you in the night to converse a way out—Atsumu is put in a place of wanting to know what happened and at the same time, he wants to avoid it for the sake of a bad assumption.

The minute they step into school without you by their side, the suspicion kicks in. How serious was it to the point you didn’t even get your usual matching coffee’s with them? He removes the doubt in his head, maybe you were just late so he lets the thought sit in his head for a while but by the time lunch came in and you were still not present, he nudges his twin with the curiosity growing on him more and more.

“Where’s Y/N?” He asks, Suna only giving a slight glance to the blonde before returning to his own plate as Osamu shrugs. “Probably sleeping.” He responds, turning on his phone to see he was clear from any notifications leading his heart to race at the lack of any respond from you. It was worrying him to an extent but he sends a text to your way even if you weren’t going to see it, what matters to Osamu is at least his message got to you. Atsumu didn’t even try to peak over his shoulder just to read his brothers message but instead, he realizes how worse the situation has gotten.

At first, he was nearly reassured with the idea of Osamu coming to your side already but he observes how it came to be the opposite of what he expected. The trace of sadness that his brother keeps leaving felt like an endless road so with a sigh, Atsumu finalizes his decision.

Giving a pat of support to the grey haired twins’ shoulder, he spoke.

“You two will be okay.”

As practice rolled in, he huddles the rest of the team while his brother was off to his duty to gather the teams water.

“I need your help.” Atsumu began, crossing his arms to his chest while Suna spares him with a raised eyebrow, a towel in hand for his sweat. “What for?”

“Look, Samu and Y/N aren’t really on good terms.” He explains, spiking the interest of their team. Aran tilts his head at the arrival of the news. “Well, I do notice how Osamu kept frowning and she isn’t here either.” Akagi adds a witness to the setters statement.

“How are we sure he even needs our help?” Rintaro questions. “Osamu’s not even talking to her and vice versa. I haven’t seen him act like this, that’s all.” It’s true that it was a bit of a stretch to react like this but it genuinely brings him a downcast of his own to experience such a dull atmosphere whenever Osamu enters the room.

“It’s not our position to help a relationship that’s not ours but I understand where you’re coming from. If it helps, let’s just check up on Osamu first and let’s not bring him anymore trouble than he’s having.” Kita announces, the rest could only nod. Atsumu could feel a bit of relief mixed with regret. He probably shouldn’t have jumped to such conclusions since it’s only been two days but even he was surprised to feel this amount of care for a situation he wasn’t involved in the first place. Still, to see people go through a bad phase without lending a hand is a little selfish.

His brother enters the gym, an odd sensation where he could feel multiple pairs of eyes landing on him. “Weird.” He mutters before jogging to his spot for practice. Stood beside Suna, Atsumu hints by tilting his head directing to his bother reminding him of the discussion earlier.

“Sucks to be single.” Rin jokes, altering his voice in a way it doesn’t show how he wasn’t forced to admit something out of the ordinary. Aran tries not to stifle a laugh at the middle blockers poor attempt causing Osamu to turn his head, more than confused at this encounter.

The practice reigns on with an extremely bothered volleyball player. There were numerous times where a few phrases were given to him that seriously played tricks on his brain.

“What are you gonna do for your anniversary?” Atsumu asks when they were sent for breaks. Osamu’s thoughts were just incredibly scrambled. Firstly, he was somewhat surprised to hear his twin ask something that he cherished or at least a topic he assumed Atsumu wouldn’t remember. Lastly, it was just too random to come up with an answer that quick and proper. “I.. don’t know.”

In which his answer, doesn’t help the glance of his concerned brother.

Is he implying that’s the last bit of their relationship?

“Hey, Samu. I saw a newly opened flower shop downtown. I think Y/N would like that.” He suggest, no clue of the word bombs he just sent.

“Thanks, I guess?” he responded with a slight change in his voice at the level of uncertainty he was in. Nonetheless, he just walks away to come back to the meeting. Sitting on the floor, he realizes how tiring it was to keep guessing if they were really hinting how weird it that you were absent or were they pulling some sort of prank that involved you in it.

Kita announces a few more of their schedules for this week leaving an early practice set since it was Friday. Osamu stretches his arms, a yawn escaping his lips while he checks his phone. The rays of it instantly lighting up his features since it was a candid photo of you just standing in the kitchen when you helped him out with throws of flour on your face. He smiles as always but forgot that he only opened it just to check the time.

Atsumu has seen that lockscreen for months now. He’s used to the way his brother would react to it whenever it flashed the screen but tonight it doesn’t give the same effect to him somehow but still, he’s glad to see that Osamu still loves you just as much.

“You’re really luck to have her then.” Kita says, giving a pat to his shoulder with a timid smile ad he goes along, waving him goodbye while your boyfriend grows slightly flustered but pays no mind to the fact that their captain said.

I really am. Osamu thinks with a leap to his heart.

Atsumu just stares from afar while he sets his bag wondering the possible outcomes for tomorrow.

Saturday morning kicks in with the blonde out for a quick run leaving one twin heavily asleep. He wonders if he should bid you a visit to check up on you but he also realizes how it’s only 9am, you’re probably still catching some sleep from all the stress so he just skips your neighborhood and decides to run a few more laps before heading straight home.

“Finally.” Osamu whispers as the door whip opens with his twin brother’s jaw to the floor at the sight presented in front of him.

Your boyfriend’s arms wrapped around your waist, hugging you completely while his head rests on your stomach with your hands loosely trapped in his grey hair. You could only blink at the blonde’s dazed state as his eyes dart from you to his brother.

“Good morning, Tsumu.” You said with a smile while Osamu could only hum when he was busied with your comfort.

“You guys.. aren’t breaking up?” Atsumu perks up the question while the other twin cocks an eyebrow with a scowl. “Oi, what karma are you trying to pry on us?” he threatens.

“I heard you two fight like a day ago!” The setter argued while your hand abruptly stops to tilt your head in confusion since your memory was a bit juggled up.

“Fight?” Osamu asks, turning to you. Placing a finger to your chin, your mind travels to it’s moments from the day Atsumu was possibly pertaining to but a few seconds pass and you’ve recollected the mishap.

“Oh.” You said with a slight chuckle as the two boys turn to you. “Atsu, we weren’t fighting then. Samu wanted me to watch a horror movie with him to tease me.”

“Just leave then.” Your boyfriend exclaims resulting for you to release a scoff of disbelief while you reach for your bag but a second later, a pair of arms circle around you while your back was to his chest.

“Kidding, hun. Why don’t you take a day off tomorrow? I’ll take your paper if a teacher assigns us something. You go ahead and focus on what you need to do, I know there’s a quiz you’re gonna hate.” Osamu whispers, planting a kiss to the side of your hair making you sigh in relief.

“You sure with me being absent tomorrow? We can watch the movie if you stop by in the afternoon after training if you like.” You suggested but he shook his head. “I was joking about the movie, I just thought the trailer looked cool but c’mon—you matter more so get your ass out of here and sleep.” He says, a firm hand to the top of your head as you sighed.

“Okay okay. I’ll see you tomorrow or on Saturday. I love you, Samu.” You said, giving him one more kiss to the cheek while he blushes as you left the room.

“I thought you guys were gonna break up! Relationship er confusing.” Atsumu exclaims while you and your boyfriend chuckle. “Did you know that during practice Aran told me that relationships are like gifts—shit ‘Tsumu is that why everyone was acting weird yesterday?” Osamu says, a smile in his features at how everything was adding up.

“Well yeah. I’m sorry for looking at it that way.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck at the embarrassment. He should’ve known that the couple he tried to fix was a pair that was too invested in each other’s love to ever let it fall apart just like that.

“It’s fine. I think it’s actually cute how they got worried.” You said, assuring him off of a tiny mix up. Atsumu sighs in relief but still covered in shyness due to his (as expected) wrong assumption. He goes upstairs with little mutters of how dumb he was and how he should’ve done better while Osamu returns to his position beforehand.

“He even said how there was a new flower shop and how you’d like it.” You smile at the thought of Atsumu being generous and caring for the sake of your relationship. “Let’s go there later, is that okay?” he asks before you intertwined your fingers with his as you leaned your head on his shoulder followed by a yawn.

“You’re gonna buy me a bouquet for our little quarrel?” you teased making him chuckle.

“Of course,” Osamu says looking at you. As if he’d ever raise his voice to your or be the man to ever let you go—that’d be the decision in his life that would haunt him forever. His hands in yours will remain as long as he’s there because no other feeling can beat the way he feels whenever you love him this good.

“Gonna buy me the best bouquet for the best girl.”

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Helping Billy and Stu on their murder spree would include~

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(This might not be exactly what you were expecting but I hope you enjoy it anyways! Sorry it took me longer than expected!)

- Wrong. That was the best way to describe your relationship with Billy and Stu: wrong, fucked up, and dangerous …but you couldn’t deny the fact that it was exciting. 

- You were no saint. That was a fact you’d come to terms with a while ago. You were no saint but you certainly weren’t a killer; at least not when all of this started. No, back then, you were just a really, really bad girlfriend.

- Truth be told: you weren’t single when you’d gotten involved with the boys, though, to be fair, neither were they; not that that made things any better.

- You’d had a boyfriend, a boyfriend you’d once really cared about, but somewhere along the line, you’d begun to have problems and instead of resolving them, you’d both chosen to ignore them and resent each other instead. Which is probably why it was so easy for you to fall into another boys arms; especially when they were as charming as Billy was or as sweet as Stu was.

- You’d always had a bit of a crush on Billy. The two of you’d been acquaintances ever since freshman year and for a while you sort of thought that you and him might get together. But then he started dating Sidney and you got asked out by your boyfriend and you just sort of tried to put the idea out of your head.

- Unbeknownst to you, the idea never left Billy’s head and he found himself plotting all the ways that he could make you his; all while finding out that his partner in crime was seemingly just as interested in you as he was.

- Stu ended up playing a crucial role in your “arrangement”. The two of you found yourselves made into lab partners and thusly, you were invited over to his place after school and later given the perfect excuse to spend time with him; and/or Billy, without causing suspicion.

- The first few times you go over to the Macher place, nothing of value happens. You do exactly what you’re supposed to: work, study, joke around a little and get a bit more comfortable being in each other’s presences. It’s a few study sessions in that you get a curveball thrown at you.

- It’s late one evening, Stu’s parents are out and you’re both studying on his living room floor when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. Stu gets up to answer it and who else would it be but Billy.

- Stu pretends to act surprised and tells the boy that he forgot they were going to hang out and that he’s studying with you. Billy assures him that it’s alright before Stu tells him to wait a second and reappears in the room, saying that he thinks the two of you have studied enough and that Billy’s got some horror movies that the three of you can watch if you’d like to stay and chill. How could you possibly refuse?

- And so, your makeshift friendship with the boys begin; a friendship which very quickly leads into something more once Billy decides the time is right to make a move.

- You obviously don’t expect it the first time it happens but you find yourself wanting more the minute it’s over.

- Sure, sometimes the guilt will kick in when you see Tatum and Sidney or when your boyfriend is being particularly sweet, but it never seems to be enough to stop you from coming over whenever they ask or letting them in whenever they knock on your door.

- But the longer the three of you keep up your affair, the more things you start to notice.

- Billy isn’t stupid. Regardless of how he feels about you, he isn’t going to jeopardize his whole plan by making one wrong move and trusting someone he shouldn’t have. He’ll take his time analyzing you, picking apart your every move and reaction until he’s sure that you’re the one.

- You’ll start to pick up on little things about your boys that some might consider weird: all the horror movies and Billy’s knowledge in them, strange questions, indecipherable looks, things like that.

- As Billy comes closer to making up his mind, more of the mask will slip; though not enough to scare you off or make you think that anything’s really wrong. More odd inquiries, questionable sexual activities, and Billy testing your loyalty; oftentimes by asking you to cover for him or Stu to see how far you’ll go for them.

- You might be asking what I mean by “questionable sexual activities”, well, Billy has, on more than one occasion, demanded that you only watch whatever gory film he’s put on instead of looking at him as he pleasures you. He watches you closely, muttering lowly in your ear about the movie and talking dirty as you lock your eyes on the screen.

- When the boys first confess to you about the murders, you don’t believe them. You think it’s a bad joke but once you see just how serious they are, your smile drops and you say “you’re serious aren’t you?”.

- It definitely takes you a while to get used to the fact, but you find yourself opening up to the idea more and more as Billy explains their motive and butters you up with his charming words.

- Your involvement starts with little things: patching them up when they’re hurt, analyzing horror movies, giving them ideas or intel and telling them what won’t work.

- Stu likes to bump your shoulder or ruffle your hair and call you smart whenever you offer up good advice. Billy is much more subtle in his praise but his reactions are usually the ones that make you want to help them more and more.

- The blonde enthusiastically recounts stories of their slayings to you, jumping around the room and making a bunch of noises and hand movements while he does so.

- The first time you mention that you’d like to help them “...more”, both their faces break out into shit eating grins. They don’t immediately hand you a mask, knife, and mission but they do start to ask more of you.

- Helping them hide evidence, giving them alibis, waiting outside of their crime scenes for them and helping them lure people right into their traps all becomes second nature to you.

- Then comes your initiation. 

- There’d always been some jealousy involved in your relationship; mainly on their parts. You had a boyfriend and they had girlfriends which meant all three of you had to; at some point, act all lovey dovey with your partners in front of the others, if only to keep up a façade. 

- But, as obvious as it was that none of you particularly cared for your significant others, that didn’t stop Billy or Stu from absolutely hating your boyfriends guts. This hatred would eventually play a key role in solidifying your role in their lives.

- Your parents aren’t home and you’re in your bedroom with the boys, doing exactly what one would assume you’d be doing, except, unlike all the other times you’d done “this”, your bedroom door swung open and revealed a very unexpected visitor: your boyfriend. 

- Maybe it was the pent up jealousy or the fear of his plan potentially being ruined or maybe it was a little bit of both but when the boy immediately began to just book it towards your front door, Billy followed after him. 

- By the time you make it out into the hall, Stu has him held in place and Billy is turning to look at you, telling you to “come on” as they walk the boy into your kitchen. 

- Once you get there, Billy pulls a knife from the block and walks up to you, telling you that you said you wanted to be a part of things and that now's your chance.

“Go on.” He says, nodding his head back towards the boy who Stu’s restraining and watching you closely as you slowly take the knife from his hands. Stu’s grinning excitedly as you approach him, cheering you on while Billy remains silent behind you. 

- The blonde whoops and hollers as you cut into the boy, audibly expressing his pride in you, and when you turn to look back at Billy, he’s got a tiny little smile pulling at his lips, showing that you’ve just proven yourself and done exactly what he wanted. 

- The brunette locks eyes with you before he walks up and wraps his arms around you, pulling you back against his chest and tilting your head down to look at the boy who’s currently bleeding out on your kitchen floor. “Would you look at that.” He says and you can hear the smile in his voice as he says it, his hand trailing up to grope at your chest as he stares down at the gory sight before you.

- There’s no going back after that. You’re now officially one of them and get your very own father death costume. 

- It’s perfect really. More hands, more confusion for the police, more bloody sex.  

- Billy gets turned on by the sight of blood and the adrenaline that he feels after a kill; and Stu has never been one to turn down sex, so don’t be surprised if you end up pressed against the floorboards of a victims house or thrown on one of their beds the minute the three of you get back to their house. 

- You and Billy tend to make the plans while Stu just goes along with whatever you say. 

- Helping them get Neil Prescott.

- Going along with Stu while Billy talks on the phone. 

- The two of them both baby and yell at you. They tend to do most of the dirty work because they think you can’t handle it but at the same time they; namely Billy, will get angry if you mess anything up in the slightest. The brunette will yell or insult you because he’s a control freak and wants everything to go exactly as he planned. 

- On the drive/walk home, you’ll stay quiet, wondering if maybe you’ve made a very severe mistake when deciding to be with the boys. But then Billy will grab your arm and pull you into a kiss, asking if you’re alright and apologizing so sweetly and for better or for worse, you’ll fall right back in again. 

[byunmyeon]

Metanoia

↳ pairing: lee suho x reader

↳ synopsis: this is the sequel to philophobia. the world of red strings is one you haven’t been able to see for a long time, and now that you’ve found your unwilling soulmate, you have no interest in regaining that sight.

↳ warnings: language, angst, angst, and more angst, mentions of depression, mentions of death

— note: due to popular demand, here’s part two!

Something was wrong.

There wasn’t some pivotal event or action that made Suho conscious of the shift, he just knew. This premonition could’ve been assessed as an erroneous inkling that emanated from the vast rift between you two, but you hadn’t given any indication that the lack of recognition from your soulmate was the cause. In fact, you seemed perfectly content with disregarding Suho’s existence.

An entire month had gone by since you confronted him, and the entire situation had passed without further incident. Neither one of you had spoken since that ill-fated day.

However, it was impossible not to notice the drastic change in your character. The way you smiled was different in a way that seemed off, and there was also a certain enervation constantly embracing you. But the biggest difference was your lack of interest in just about anything. Suho might’ve thought it had everything to do with him, but again, there was no clear indication of that.

Nonetheless, ignoring you didn’t make him unaware of the unnamed sensation that had latched itself onto him since then.

It’s not like Suho wanted to notice the contrast in your behavior, but it was something he couldn’t help. Every time you came within a ten meter radius, his eyes would compulsively find their way over to you. Suho was always careful to not get caught staring, although it hardly mattered. It’s not like you looked in his general direction anymore. And even when you did happen to meet his gaze, it was for a fleeting moment that passed by so quickly that it couldn’t even be considered a full second.

Your uncharacteristic disposition made him worry. Not for you, but for him. Suho was deeply concerned that you might expose your shared secret in an abrupt moment of anger and hurt. That’s all it was. Nothing more, nothing less.

To his relief, that moment never came.

Even in the face of all the hurtful things he had said and done, you didn’t mention to Jugyeong that Suho was your soulmate. It was a development he hadn’t expected. Sure, you had told him, no, promised him that you would keep silent about the string that bounded you two together, but he was convinced that you could easily change your mind whenever you felt like it. You hadn’t.

Truthfully, your selfless act made him develop a fondness for you. Suho hadn’t expected you to be so understanding and considerate since it seemed like you were genuinely hurt that he didn’t care to acknowledge the bond between you two. That was the part he still couldn’t wrap his head around. You ignored the red string that tied you two together since the day you transferred without any qualm. Your actions convinced him that you wanted nothing to do with the soulmate bond, with him.

“What’s up with Y/N?” Taehoon wondered one day as he set his lunch tray beside Suho’s. “She isn’t looking so good these days.”

The rest of the group agreed.

“Maybe we did something to upset her.” Jugyeong said with a worried frown. Her pretty eyes drifted over to the lonely girl who was currently picking at her food. “She hasn’t wanted to hang out with us since we finished our exams.”

Suho let his own gaze fall over to you. It was true that you had kept your distance since before he officially asked Jugyeong out, but he didn’t think his girlfriend would care too much since you two weren’t that close to begin with. Seeing her so upset didn’t sit well with him.

Maybe he could convince you to start hanging out with Jugyeong and the rest of the group more often. Yes, that’s exactly what he would do. After all, doing him one more favor wouldn’t kill you.

Most people would say that you made a mistake for letting Suho go. Among those people would be your very own mother. You didn’t even want to think about what would happen if she came to find out that you gave up your soulmate without putting up a fight. It wasn’t something you were necessarily proud of, but you weren’t ashamed of your decision. Okay, so maybe refusing to acknowledge your other half wasn’t right or even sane, but you felt comfortable with your decision.

Well, that wasn’t exactly right.

The reality of your soulmate easily ignoring the string he could see was heart-wrenching. More often than not, seeing him and Jugyeong together would cause a stabbing pain in your chest. It would last no more than a second, but it was agonizing enough to have you regretting your righteous choice.

As time when on, the pain worsened and would prolong itself to the point where it became difficult to breathe. There were even instances where black dots would cloud your vision and had you feeling extremely lightheaded. Those times, however, were nothing compared to the occasions when you came close to fainting. Deep down you knew it was because there was a severe imbalance weaved in the depths of your bond.

But you couldn’t be bothered to truly acknowledge it.

Who needed a soulmate anyway?

There had always been an indescribable tension when you were around Suho. Before, you had wrote it off as nerves from being around someone who was as prickly as he was attractive. That was before you knew the truth, of course. You two had never been close, and after finding out that he was the one on the other end of your red string, you were sure you never would be.

Which is exactly why you couldn’t figure out the reason he suddenly came up to you while you were sitting outside on one of the lone benches. He didn’t hesitate to sit next to you, the action coming naturally like it was something he did everyday.

“Jugyeong says you haven’t hung out with her in a while.” Suho said in a slow drawl. “Is it because of me?”

You wished you could’ve scoffed and told him that the world didn’t revolve around him, but you couldn’t. Because even if the world didn’t, yours did.

“I haven’t been feeling well lately.”

It was the truth. Your chest pains were only getting worse as the days went on. It was hard enough to hide it from your mother, you didn’t need the pressure of also hiding it from your classmates.

Suho didn’t seem the least bit concerned for your not-so-well-being, and it had a familiar ache nipping at your heart. You longed to see his face change with even the tiniest bit of emotion. Just so you could feel, even for a fleeting moment, that the bond wasn’t one-sided. After seeing the indifference he looked at you with, you decided to look straight ahead to spare yourself any further heartache.

“Being alone won’t make you feel any better.”

It couldn’t make you feel any worse.

Suho frowned when he saw your unchanging expression. He could never get used to the blank nothingness of it. Not when your joyful expressions had once lit up an entire room.

“I thought you’d be happy that I’m staying away from Jugyeong.” You finally said, still unwilling to look at him.

It made him happier than he cared to admit, but it didn’t make her happy. The entire point of talking to you was to bring Jugyeong the same amount of happiness she’d brought him. If it meant having to swallow his pride and ask you for yet another favor, then so be it.

“She thinks she did something to upset you.” Suho explained. “So I came to ask you to start talking to her again—as a favor.”

His impassive attitude made you feel crestfallen. You knew he couldn’t care less about the bond, about you, but it still hurt to see that he didn’t care to spare your feelings at all. It took everything in you to respond in a strong, calm tone.

“And you’re okay with me talking to her again?”

“I’m fine as long as you stick to our agreement.”

You nodded slowly, pensively. If it would make Suho happy, then you would do it.

“Okay.”

That was his cue to leave, but he found himself unwilling to do so. Immediately, Suho assumed it was because your souls were intertwined with one another which, in turn, fueled the natural instinct to be close to you. That had to be it.

Suho cleared his throat and stood up. “I’ll see you around.”

Sitting across a psychiatrist was something you never thought you would have to do again. And yet, you found yourself sitting across from the infamous Dr. Kwon. The aforementioned doctor was known worldwide for his trailblazing research on the enigmatic soulmate bond. His fame soared when he revealed that he had successfully treated people who were rejected by their soulmates. For an entire year, it was all anyone could talk about.

And like a moth to a flame, your mother was quick to reach out to his office and make an appointment for a consultation. There was a five month waiting list for this, and now it was finally your turn to meet with the prestigious psychiatrist, much to your dismay.

“There’s no need to feel nervous,” he said kindly when he noticed your uncomfortable posture. “Anything you tell me will stay between the two of us.”

You had heard the same thing countless times, but the words always seemed disingenuous no matter who they came from. Even if Dr. Kwon had treated people who had soulmate problems, you were sure that he’d never met someone like you. His eyes were kind, but you didn’t know whether you could trust him. Plenty of the other specialists had also been kind at first until they realized that treating you like a lab rat would lead to a life of fame and fortune.

“Your mother tells me that you were unofficially diagnosed with philophobia. She believes the cause of your condition is due to the fact that you are unable to see your string of fate.”

You weren’t surprised that your mom had told him everything about you already. She had made the same mistake with all the other doctors and therapists. You could deny it, but you figured if you were to become a lab rat, you couldn’t be in better hands.

“She also mentioned that you haven’t been yourself lately.”

Shit. You hadn’t thought that your mom had caught onto your behavior. The simple thought of her finding out the secret you were desperately trying to keep hidden made your stomach twist with panic.

Your shrug was uncommitted as you fought to control your expression. “She’s thought that since I told her I couldn’t see my string anymore.”

Dr. Kwon hummed. “Your mother is convinced that a severe trauma led you to lose the sight of your string. Would you mind telling me about that?”

You clutched the sleeves of your uniform as a way of comfort. Talking about that was something you never wanted to do. Somehow, spending an entire year repeating the story to countless specialists never helped you get over it. Despite that, you knew your mother wouldn’t forgive you if you didn’t make the effort to “get better.”

“Around the time I turned eleven, I found out that my parents were getting a divorce.” You began. There was a harsh edge to your words that you couldn’t control. “They were soulmates, but my dad said that he didn’t love my mom anymore.”

Dr. Kwon nodded, encouraging you to go on.

“This one day, he decided to drive me to school instead of letting me take the bus. On the way there he told me about this woman he’d met like I’d actually be happy for him or something. I got so angry that I just– I just snapped.”

It was silent for a moment before you continued.

“I told him that I hated him. That I would never forgive him for hurting my mom.” You swallowed thickly. “That was the last thing I said to him before we got into a car accident. He died on the way to the hospital.”

You didn’t realize that the moisture in your eyes was dripping down your face until Dr. Kwon handed you a tissue. He didn’t say anything for a while, and it surprised you. Most of the specialists you had seen couldn’t keep their thoughts to themselves after hearing your story.

“It’s not your fault.” Dr. Kwon said. “You feel an extreme guilt, but you shouldn’t. We all say things we don’t mean, and parents know that better than anyone.”

His words were comforting, but his kind expression was marred when he started speaking like a doctor. You only half-listened to Dr. Kwon, not interested in his spiel about how making an attempt to picture your string might help. If only he knew that over the better part of your early adolescence, visualizing that stupid red string was all you did.

You hadn’t realized that your time with him was nearly over until he started writing on his clipboard. It made you feel relieved, in a way. But there was still one thing you needed. You couldn’t leave without asking him about the one thing that had been weighing on your mind.

“Doctor,” your voice was hesitant. “You’ve treated patients whose soulmates rejected the bond, right?”

“That’s right.”

“Has… Has anyone ever died from being rejected?”

Dr. Kwon shook his head. “Most of them complained about chronic chest pains, but they faded over time after they got used to being away from their soulmate.”

You swallowed thickly. That’s not what you were hoping to hear.

“So, if someone were to constantly be around the person who rejected them… it could be fatal?”

This time, you caught the subtle narrowing of his eyes. Shit. He was onto you. “Is there a reason you’re asking me this?”

“I’m just curious. You’re the only doctor who’s come close to figuring out the real effects of rejecting the bond.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but answered you anyway. “It’s possible, but I can’t be certain since I haven’t had a patient who was willing to be around their soulmate after being rejected.”

You nodded, not liking the ugly feeling in your chest.

“I’m willing to keep working with you.” He said, seemingly not interested in the motives behind your questions. “Hopefully, we can reverse your condition.”

“I have no intention of seeing the string again.”

Dr. Kwon was taken aback. “Y-You don’t? Why?”

Because I already found my soulmate and he loves someone else. The truth was on the tip of your tongue, but you knew you couldn’t tell him.

“I just don’t.”

The first time you went an entire day without experiencing the chest pains was the same day you spent an entire lunch period with Suho.

Since the back of the school was now tainted with horrible memories, you could no longer go back there to find solace. Now your new designated safe space was the school’s rooftop. You were content with listening to music and feeling the warm breeze on your skin. It was also extremely private, which meant that if you did experience the chest pains, no one would see.

Your eyes were closed in blissful peace when you suddenly felt a presence beside you. Unaccustomed to the sudden company, you jumped with shocked fear. Once you saw that it was Suho who was sitting next to you, your heart was racing for an entirely different reason. He hadn’t said much. Unexpectedly, he asked you what you were listening to.

That’s how you found out you shared the same taste in music.

The second time you went an entire day without feeling the chest pains was the day you stumbled on a crying Suho.

He was completely overcome with grief that he didn’t seem to care that he was in the middle of the hallway. You quietly took him to the roof where he collapsed on you. The way he clutched onto you reminded you of an inconsolable child—fearful and in need of comfort. You listened to him as he told you about his late friend and his battle with depression.

Your heart ached with every word he told you, but if countless hours of therapy had taught you anything it was that venting could do wonders for the soul. Eventually, his sobs turned into sniffles. He hadn’t let go of you and vice versa.

After that, Suho didn’t say anything and neither did you. Unbeknownst to the either of you, the connection between you two had gotten stronger. There was an inexplicable congruity between you now, one that allowed you to understand and empathize with each other’s feelings.

You two never mentioned it again, but something shifted after that day.

It had been a month since you last felt the scathing pain. Now it was only a tolerable discomfort that you grew used to. You and Suho weren’t close, he still had his girlfriend, but now there were these moments that you experienced every so often. Ones that seemed more intimate than any relationship you could ever have. Those times were the happiest you’d felt in years.

“Things are pretty serious between Suho and Jugyeong.” Soo-ah said when you two entered the lunch room. “He wants her to study abroad with him after graduation.”

This was news to you, and that familiar discomfort soon settled on the left side of your chest. In spite of knowing that nothing had changed, you still felt like a complete fool. How could you be so delusional? Suho had only been kind to you a handful of times, and you were sure it had only been out of pure instinct. It had been because the link between you two had pushed him to do it.

Suddenly, the discomfort grew into that familiar, unwelcome stabbing pain, one greater than all the others you had felt so far. You let out a loud cry, the high-pitched noise sounding horrifying even to your own ears. The dizziness never came this quickly, but now it was clouding your senses within seconds. It had you stumbling into Soo-ah, and you grabbed ahold of her sleeve to try to steady yourself. You could see her mouth moving, but her words were muted. Oh no.

The pounding in your head and the sharp pains in your chest came in waves. It didn’t take long for the dark spots to appear. Fuck.

The last thing you remembered was seeing Soo-ah and a gathering crowd above you before darkness overcame you.

“Y/N.”

The distant sound of your name being called was enough to have you slowly opening your eyes. Your vision was blurry and unfocused. All you could make out was being in a brightly lit place that had you wincing. Where were you?

In the next second, you felt a pair of arms wrap around you. The familiar scent of your mom’s perfume made you relax.

“How are you feeling?”

It was a man’s voice who asked the question, and you nearly choked on your own spit when you saw Dr. Kwon standing beside the hospital bed. His presence shocked you since you had only met him once and weren’t officially his patient. However, you managed to assure him that you felt fine.

For a second, you thought everything would be fine. After all, there was no technology that was capable of determining that your collapse was related to your fractured soulmate bond. That is, until Dr. Kwon decided to speak up.

“You’ve met your soulmate, haven’t you?”

It wasn’t really a question. Your panicked eyes fell over to your mom. The look she gave you had you wincing. Fuck.

“What!? Y/N—”

“Mom,” you said, panicked. “It’s not– I don’t—”

“I’ve spoken with the doctor who treated you. She said that there’s been an enormous strain on your heart.” His voice had an underlying hardness that tipped you off on the anger he was feeling. “That’s why you asked me about my patients the other day, isn’t it?”

You remained silent, and it gave him his answer.

“You know who your soulmate is. They rejected the bond, but you haven’t. That’s why your chest pains have gotten worse.”

Before you could try to refute any of his claims, your mother went crazy.

“Who is it!?” She yelled. “Tell me right now so I can tell him to stop hurting my daughter!”

You attempted to calm her down, but your attempt was in vain. There was no possible way to settle her emotions. Not when her worst fear had been realized. You tried to ease her mind by reassuring her that you would go away in order to receive treatment from Dr. Kwon, not realizing that Suho was standing outside the room and heard everything.

Dr. Kwon managed to calm your mother down and convinced her to take a walk with him. It was late in the evening now, and you felt extremely relieved to finally be left alone with your thoughts. You got all of two seconds of contemplation because in the next second, Suho pulled the door open and walked into your room.

He didn’t say anything at first, but his face was the picture of tortured. You furrowed your eyebrows, unable to understand why he seemed so distraught.

“You’re dying.” Suho’s voice trembled. “Because of me.”

The fact that he somehow found out went over your head. You wished you could say no. No it’s not because of you. But you couldn’t. Trying to reassure him would’ve been futile. He knew. You both did. The urge to cling onto the severed bond would be fatal if you didn’t get help. Despite knowing all that, you wished to ease his pain. You could’ve laughed at your own foolishness because right now it was you who was laying in the hospital bed.

“I won’t die.” You told him feebly. “I’ll leave. Once I get used to being away from you, I’ll be okay. We can both live normal lives.”

Suho wanted to tell you that he didn’t want you to leave. That his life hadn’t ever been normal, and he was fine with that as long as you could be part of it.

“You didn’t reject the bond. Why?”

You looked up at the white ceiling. The tears were pooling in your eyes, but you refused to let them fall. There was no point in hiding it anymore. Not when you were hospitalized because of him.

“I can’t see my string.”

Your confession hung in the air like a dark cloud. It was silent before you decided to continue with your revelation.

“I haven’t been able to see it since I was thirteen.” You tried to swallow the lump in your throat. “That’s why I didn’t acknowledge you when we first saw each other. I didn’t know.”

The candor of your words had Suho staggering back. It felt like someone shoved a blade straight through his heart. Finally, everything made sense. It’s not that you weren’t interested in your soulmate, it’s that you hadn’t known he was right in front of you. He couldn’t stop the tears from gathering in his eyes. What had he done?

“I’ve always wanted to meet my soulmate.” You confessed, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Even after I found out that it was you and you didn’t feel the same way, I never wished that I hadn’t met you. I never wished that the bond didn’t exist.”

You knew he couldn’t say the same since the evidence of just how much he didn’t want the bond was displayed in your current physical state.

“You should leave,” you told him even though the words pained you greatly. “My mom will get suspicious if she sees you.”

Only a small piece of your heart broke when he listened to you.

When Jugyeong and Suho broke up, it was the talk of the entire school. You yourself couldn’t make sense of the sudden separation, but you told yourself that it didn’t matter because it wasn’t any of your business.

You only said goodbye to a handful of people when the last day at Saebom High came around. Your short stay at the school didn’t give you an opportunity to make many friends, and it’s not like you truly wanted to remember your experience at the school.

Before you could walk through the front gates toward your new life, you were stopped by the sound of your name being called.

“Y/N!”

You turned, feeling your eyes widen when you were suddenly wrapped up in your soulmate’s warm embrace. His sudden change in attitude shocked you so much that you weren’t sure how to react.

“Don’t leave me. Please.”

For the first time since you’d met Suho, you felt no need to placate him. After everything that happened, you couldn’t go back on the promise you made to your mother. You needed to get better. Not for Suho, but for yourself.

“I’m sorry.” You were sincere. “This time, I’m leaving you behind.”

He pulled back. The pain in his eyes was another strike to your chest, but you knew you couldn’t give in.

“Goodbye, Lee Suho.”

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 1

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Pairing: Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader Rating: T for teen for mild language. Later entries in the series will be more mature though, just a heads up Warnings: None this chapter. There will probably be canon typical violence/blood mentioned or referenced in future chapters though, cuz, ya know, vampire ladies? Notes: No beta reader, we die like Ethan Winters’ hands (repeatedly, and with odd frequency)

Chapter 1: Nocturne

     Of all the tasks assigned to you, none were as bittersweet as that of dusting Lady Dimitrescu’s piano. Years ago, before you had been shuffled off to a remote European village, before you had been roughly snatched from your home, before… this, you had been taught to play music. From a young age it brought you comfort, entertained you on quiet days, and even made you your fair share of friends. Though you had experimented with a handful of instruments, none felt more natural than piano. Leaving your family’s heirloom piano behind was one of the hardest things you had ever had to do. 

     Until you arrived at Castle Dimitrescu, at least. Sweat often dropped off your brow as you spent endless hours scrubbing floors, carrying baskets of clothes or mysterious parcels of meat up and down flights of stairs, rushing to and fro rooms across the estate. Physical labor was no stranger to you, but no employer had ever been as demanding as those you now served. Hence part of why you always breathed a sigh of relief when you were chosen to dust the piano. It was hardly a demanding task, even when you had to take care not to accidentally let the keys make any noise. No one was allowed to play it without permission (and that was never given).

     Which brought you an aching sensation at the core of your chest, balled up alongside past regrets, a hundred million thoughts of alternative realities where you didn’t hurt so much. There was no point in imagining what choices might have saved you from your fate… and yet you did so anyway. Sometimes you thought about barricading yourself in the room, just so you could play a couple songs, even if it would guarantee you a painful death. But you could never bring yourself to willingly disobey Lady Dimitrescu; not when you had heard the wails and screams of Maidens a few floors below.

     Yes, you would never willingly, knowingly do such. That wasn’t to say you were incapable of mistakes. No, you weren’t that fortunate. It was such a simple error, really, just a misjudgment of the cloth held between your fingers. Your hand slipped. That was all. But that slip led to an accidental press of a key- f#, if you heard right- that sounded throughout the room with damning clarity. Just like that, you felt the pitiful thing you called life shatter to pieces on the floor. Inside your chest your heart started to pound, a metronome speeding this performance along to its end.

     Had you not been paralyzed with dread, you might have accepted your fate with enough grace to sit down, play those last few tunes like you had daydreamed about so many times. But you didn’t, couldn’t. All you felt you could do was strain your ears and listen for the impending sounds of angry footsteps.

     Instead your concentration was interrupted by a door flying open, hitting the wall with a slam you knew would leave a dent, as a swarm of insects burst in. Nearly jumping out of your skin you put a hand to your chest, half expecting not to feel a heartbeat anymore. The rhythm was off, for sure, and it skipped a beat when the swarm surged together to form a somewhat familiar figure: Daniela Dimitrescu. Leaning against the piano, one hand bracing against it, the woman pretended to examine her sickle, idly twisting it back and forth in her hand. When she spoke, she didn’t even bother to glance in your direction.

     “I never understood why mother dedicated a whole room to this,” she muses, casually inclining her head towards the piano. “It’s not like any of our instructors lasted very long. Why not let this gather dust with the rest of the useless junk somewhere upstairs?” There’s a pause, and for a moment you mentally debate whether or not you’re supposed to respond. Apparently not, as Daniela soon turns to you and speaks more directly, which is grand, really, as your tongue felt as if it was glued to the roof of your mouth. “Maybe she knew someday someone would come along to serenade us. And you clearly know how to play, otherwise you wouldn’t have dared to make a sound.”

     Stepping forward, she extends a gloved hand, cupping your chin so gently that you almost couldn’t feel her touch. Her gaze, however, was dangerously intense, unblinking, and filled with far less joy than her grin would suggest. The touch lasts only a few seconds. Just long enough to leave you shaking with anticipation. Daniela’s toothy smile only widens as she backs up, keeping her eyes on you even as she reclines into a chair in the corner of the room. You almost wished she would just get it over with and kill you. Whatever she had in mind would be worse in the end, yes? 

     “Well? Aren’t you going to play for me? Show me how much you love me? I don’t have all night,” Daniela says expectantly. She’s relaxed fully, sitting with one leg crossed over the other, spine pressed up against the back of the chair, but she hasn’t set her sickle down. There’s a clear threat in the way she holds it, grip tight enough to let you know that she’s still ready (and itching) to use it.

     You couldn’t help but wonder if she’d be acting differently if she knew that you did, in fact, know how to play. Was this just a teasing start to your punishment? Or was there a part of her genuinely interested in hearing music? Obviously you hoped for the latter. Hell, you practically prayed for it as you slowly pulled out the piano bench, awkwardly sat down, and urged your body to remember a song. What genre would a vampire from the 1950’s even enjoy? All you knew were bits and pieces of a few classics, a couple chord progressions from early 2000’s hits, and a handful of songs you had written yourself.

     There wasn’t much time to ponder, not with Daniela’s gaze burning a whole in the side of your head. So you simply pressed your fingers to the keys, took a deep breath, and let muscle memory take over. Your eyes became half lidded as you started to play, hardly paying attention to what you were doing. It felt like a single glance at your captor would result in the worst case of stage fright known to mankind. Instead you focused on the piano’s wooden frame, and the many grain marks twisting within.

     All the while your fingers glided over the keys, delicately pressing here and there, starting with something simple. Little more than a chord on your left hand, followed with a few short notes on your right, repeating in different places up and down the scale. It was almost a test, a gentle showing to see what Daniela would do. You still refused to look at her, even when you heard what sounded like a bored sigh. A knot tied itself in your stomach, and you gulped, before you shifted mental gears. Evidently “soft and simple” wasn’t going to cut it. Hopefully you could please one Lady without earning the ire of any of the others.

     So you paused, letting the notes suspend in the air for a moment, and came back swinging. The kiddy gloves were off, abandoned on the floor with your sense of caution. Grander things came back to mind as your fingers danced atop the keys, stretching chords and melodies alongside each other, the best of what you recalled pouring out of you without a sign of stopping. Out of the corner of your eyes you saw Daniela sit up, paying more attention then she had at the start. Confidence found itself growing at the center of your chest, and it managed to turn your lips up into a smile. How long had it been since you had been able to perform like this? Years? A decade, even? You didn’t know. It didn’t matter.

     Minutes passed by like this, with your hands moving constantly, even as your gaze never shifted. It was heaven channeled on Earth. Whatever was to come after, death or dismemberment, you couldn’t care less. Let them take your blood, your life. They could never take this music from your mind, from your memories, or the joy it inspired in you. If you were to die soon, at least you had been given one last soliloquy.

     Eventually the song had to end. It was a bitter moment, one you dreaded for its followup, but otherwise would have found pride in. After all, you were evidently the first maiden to give a performance (at least of this variety) to one of the Dimitrescu sisters! Certainly that was an accomplishment? Maybe your brain would let you celebrate later… assuming you survived. Daniela had stayed quiet since her earlier sigh, letting you play on without interruption thus far. Now that the song was over you didn’t know what to expect. Knowing Daniela, or at least knowing the rumors surrounding you, it was hard to imagine that anything you could expect would be accurate.

     “How long have you been hiding this little talent of yours?” She coos, clapping her hands together with a short giggle. So far so good, you thought, clinging desperately to hope. Once more she rose to her feet, moving so smoothly she might as well have been gliding, and ended up by your side. This time her hand rested on your shoulder, putting enough pressure to keep you from moving. “Don’t tell me you’re shy, that would simply be too… precious.” With that said her hand trails along your shoulder, across your collarbone, up your neck, then rests for a moment on your cheek. The touch sends a shiver down your spine, which only encourages Daniela, and she tucks a strand of your hair behind her ear.

     Before she can say more, or you could even attempt to form words, there’s the faint sound of someone yelling in the distance. A name, you think, although it’s not loud enough for you to make out who’s being called. The answer becomes evident soon enough, however, as Daniela pulls back from you suddenly, smile trading out for a scowl. Some part of you instantly misses her touch, leaving the rest of you confused more than anything.

     “Get back to your work, then,” Daniela says, roughly, the playfulness in her voice now entirely absent. It was such a sudden change in demeanor that you didn’t know how to react. Thankfully her eyes were no longer on you, and she was already moving towards the door. Had you really managed to play your way out of a punishment? You knew for a fact that at least one other maiden had lost her life for making the same mistake you did, yet now Daniela looks ready to leave without so much as a slap on the wrist. But she does pause in the doorway, as if reading your thoughts, and throws you a look over her shoulder. Her eyes narrow for a split second before she gives you one last wicked grin. “Don’t worry, sweet thing, I won’t forget you anytime soon.”

     Just like that she was gone, into a cloud of insects, out the door and into the corridor beyond. The tension in the room had left, you could finally breathe easy… and yet still your mind was racing. Those words she had left you with- were they a threat? Or a promise of something softer? Only time would tell.