#at first I was just sad. a little mad that it was covid but at least she could finally pass on

[vitunhienokivi]

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[andromedasummer]

Over a third of the way through The Whispering Skull heres my current thoughts

- If I were Lockwood and Lucy I would be a little bit mad about George missing the whole "area theyre searching was an execution ground for criminals" thing but also I feel like it's the first clear sign we get that something is off with George. Like hes burnt out. Hes tired. Hes just a teenager. They all are and theyre working adult jobs and literally dont have the capacity or past experience to communicate with one another. Very realistic for teenagers.

- I love Kipps so much I love how full of himself he is I love how pathetic he comes across even when he gets the upper hand I cannot wait to see him and his team get cut down to size.

- That being said I would have thrown down then and there had I been struck with a Mag Flare like that. better ways to go about ghosts, its dangerous as shit, badly damaged L&C's clothes and perfectly shows that the Fitts agency arent really trained in a people-first way. The way they put pressure on their teams to secure a source above all and encourage hostility towards other agents.... Super telling about management and an early warning sign to me. Esp with what we know happens to Ned Shaw (which i'll have a lot to say about later when it happens) and Kat, Bobby and Kipps v trauma.

- I liked Joplin a lot when I read the books as a kid + my reread 2 years back but now... idk. Too reckless, esp with how he treats ghosts when in the company of teenagers and children. Hate how comfortable all the adults in this world are about putting children at risk. They really treat them as a resource or rather than anything else.

- The skull is such a fucking shit stirrer which again makes so much damn sense when you learn hes a teenager whose been stuck with no one to talk to in a jar for like a hundred+ years. Of course you're trying to push apart Lockwood and Lucy. You are a fucked up ex-cultist teenage boy who finally found someone to talk to and are perpetually stuck in your teenage brain and hormones. You are So Jealous.

- Lucy, George and Lockwoods argument about the Georges recklessness and then The Skull seeding distrust again drives home my point about communication but also Christ these kids need more friends. Their entire childhood and teen years are stripped from them. They have no family to talk to or guide them. No non-work friends their age to vent to. Immense trauma and no one to help them through it.

- Jonathan Stroud give me a follow up series following the team in their mid twenties coping with having their lives dedicated to a job they literally cannot do anymore and the repercussions of no education and no safety nets for agents once they reach adulthood. What do they do? Where do they work? Where do they go? How do they afford to live? What happens to agents who only built relationships with coworkers they cant even face because of trauma? Agents disconnected with their families? Nightwatch kids whose education was ruined because their days were spent recovering from their shifts? I need to know.

- Okay back to the book the ghost cult stuff hits so much harder in a post-covid world. I was there getting harassed by anti vaxxers when they invaded parliament for a month and it ended in violence. of course in times of fear people become vulnerable to misinformation. You Are Not Immune To Cults. Or Propaganda. Again, spin-off following the people who try to fight those who profit off of peoples fear and build wealth and followings off of it. Theres so much interesting stuff in this world I want to explore.

- Kipps and Lockwoods teams having to work together bcos of Barnes is so good. I love Kipps team so much I love seeing them

- Kat Godwin is autistic and I know this. Because I am Autistic. Also she comes off as someone who has shut down to everything around her because, again. trauma of her work. at 16 theres no way she hasnt been through something similar to Lucy or Lockwood. I'm sad we see less of her after book three. same with Bobby.

- Now I want to write a hyper empathetic autistic lucy/low empathy autistic kat fic where they both realize they have a lot in common with their Talents and work and bond it doesnt even have to be romantic i just want to see more of Kat

- A LSO i need lucy to have more female friends for the love of god i understand this is your pick me phase of your teens but it makes me so sad to see your internalized misogyny even though it ABSOLUTELY makes sense for her character and is so common for teen girls like her but the way she talks about sensitives and every other female operative she meets. girl. who are you trying to impress rn. you dont need to.

- Ned Shaw getting the shit kicked out of him by Lockwood DESERVED.

- I love this little nightwatch boy who helps the team with all my heart. what is his name. my son. hes such a little cunt.

- FLO TIME FLO TIME i am so excited to see Flo you people DO NOT UNDERSTAND shes so fucking cool mudlarkers are so fucking cool fuck you if you hate flo this is a flo bones appreciation zone

- obligatory "i miss holly" comment even though. she hasnt been introduced yet and wont be until the next book. i love gay people okay.

- Anyway I'm enjoying this a lot I said TWS isnt my fav book (mostly the stuff later on in the book isn't as compelling to me) but this stuff at the start rules. I didn't expect to write so much. Im having so much fun.

[c0rpseductor]

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

[josendlessmonolouge]

Jo’s grandpa appreciation post bc I just made some overnight oats for tomorrow that he would love.

my grandpa is pretty well my father figure since my dad sucks majorly and anyway heres all the amazing wonderful stuff about him that makes me wish the entire world could have someone like him

He always told me stories when I was little. my favorite was jack and the beanstalk but because he modified it so the giant had a giant cat that in the end when the chop down the bean stalk, jack and his mom sell to a zoo and get a bunch of money.

He believes rhythm is one of the very most important things you can teach a child he used to bounce all us grandkids on his knee to the beat of music and he always encourages me to tap my foot to songs

he’s very dyslexic but currently writing a book

he likes to talk about folk music with me

I’ve dated two boys in my life my first relationship was long distance and he still sometimes calls my grandpa for car advice. When I was dating my ex once him and grandpa talked on my phone for over an hour about stock car racing

if he hadn’t had a family he was going to pursue being a nascar driver

he can build anything, he built me an American girl doll bed when I was a kid and his sister (my great aunt) who lives right next door to him sewed me a mattress for it

he loves vintage western wear

he has my mom cut his hair bc he got mad that his barber kept cutting his hair too short, he says she thinks everyone should have cop cuts but he’s a product of the 50s-70s he likes a longer haircut

he completely replaced the floor and even did the plumbing in our bathroom just recently. ;he’s in his 70s)

once he said he didn’t feel well at dinner with our friends after the nhs ceremony and had us worried about him but actually he was late walking his dogs and didn’t want them to be sad but didn’t want to be rude about leaving

he always signs his title as grampa instead of grandpa bc that’s how I pronounce it. So when I was 13 and he got heart surgery and it was still Covid regulations so I was too young to visit him he wrote a thank you note to my card and signed it that, he always signs off every text message with it

he loves fruit and always keeps apples at his house. He told my mom “I’m a good diabetic.” While eating apple sauce. Still think about that lol

his little westie is the most spoiled dog to exist

Babies always smile at him in public

once I ran into him at lunch at school bc my friends went to the Walmart deli and he was grocery shopping and he apologized to me that he wasn’t dressed nicer (he was in his overalls)

he practically lives in overalls

when I was little my soccer team called him the man in the yellow hat bc he wears a straw hat almost everyday.

he dropped out of highschool.

I bought him a roy rogger tie as a present bc he got really teary over how important Roy roggers was to him as a child and at church that week he really proudly showed it to me.

he can look at anything and measure it

once he fell off a ladder working and had to stay home so we had to go shopping for him he told my mom and I the dimensions of the box of shrimp my grandma likes not the color or price or the brand or amount, but the dimensions.

oh when he fell off the ladder? The person driving the ambulance got lost and he had to tell them where to go.

his dad likes to collect rocks and so does he

he picks my grandma flowers from his garden.

he tells me about people from his childhood he realizes where probably on the spectrum like him and I are. He realize he was on the spectrum after I was diagnosed.

He makes the very best fry bread

he loves perry mason

once I called him in tears because a very baby bird had fallen out of it’s nest in a storm and I wanted him to come and try to save it (I couldn’t as I had cats at my house) or put it out of its misery and he drove out to my house and tried to nurse it to health (sadly it didn’t live)

When I was in upper elementary school I had a lot of meltdowns because I was bullied, other kids where starting to not like school so they were yelling being disruptive my little autistic self couldn’t take it and sometimes I’d have to go home early if it was really bad (eventually I got meds and accommodations) but mom and grandma worked jobs where the couldn’t pick me up so he did and he’d just take me along his errands to Walmart or something. Sometimes we’d get a doughnut. He always understood I wasn’t misbehaving I really wanted to do good and be good.

[do-you-have-a-flag]

little covid rant

one thing that’s really odd about getting covid for the first time 3 years into the pandemic is that i was very careful and did limit social interactions and wore masks indoors and literally would not have gotten it now if i didn’t take a once in a lifetime chance to see my favourite band for the first time like it’s a very clear thing to me that i could have caught covid at any time but the risks would have continued to be low if not for this ONE THING i did.

so aside from the hypothetical series of choices where i was very sad but healthy the fact is that it took about 2 years for me to really start to miss normal life and 3 years for me to miss Doing Activities

like after this i am going to go back to my recluse era because the world was not as cautious as i was and i don’t want to tempt increasing health risks from re-occuring infections so i don’t even have the bandaid rip of OH WELL CAUGHT COVID NOW IT’S NOT SCARY like no.... no this does suck and the potential impact of it is scary and i do not want to knowingly contribute to infecting others

and idk i’m just mad the world moved on because the more people act like the pandemic is over the more pressure there is to put your health at risk. I’m literally going to go back to staying home and going for walks and doing 1 (one) indoor activity with more than 2 people every 6 months while masked and getting booster shots when available

and i miss life in a big way, i really personally felt like i got the momentum knocked out from under me by graduating into a pandemic, it's not a unique sentiment but it's just very frustrating to see exactly how clear cut the price is for being a Normal Person right now. Either I can continue to try to get it together from home and struggle but stay healthy, or i can risk infection after infection and all the health issues that could result to work and go to events again.

it's vindicating to know how much my efforts to social distance and mask up DID WORK and frustrating that one of maybe 3 concessions to having fun i participated in over 3 entire years resulted in catching covid

like obviously i'm very fortunate and lucky and so on and so on but i still feel angry with how this pandemic was given up on on such a broad scale. did you know that for a while mid pandemic there was almost zero cases in my state? We managed that but because of all kinds of factors and prioritising profits over people after the second bigger wave people started acting like vaccination was the only thing needed.

I'm such a risk avoidant person generally and when i take on a situation i am not sure of i accept the consequences. I am now experiencing those consequences. I am not oh woe is me-ing the results i am just startled by the realisation that I was right to be so cautious all this time and that continuing to do so means continuing to actively chose to sacrifice opportunities over and over and over. because it feels like the world is not set up for me to thrive in it

maybe it's that i was too preoccupied with unrelated stress when everyone went through the existential terror of early covid, maybe it's because i never went through the stages of though that lead some people to go "everyone's going to get it anyway!" but as i creep towards recovering from this run of sickness and keep my fingers crossed for no long term side effects i have to figure out how to re-arrange what my outlook for the future is for as long as people act like an ongoing pandemic isn't happening

[kindlythevoid]

I finished AC: Odyssey and the amount of RAGE I felt when watching the after-credits was UNREAL.

(Please be warned, there is a very long, angry, slightly incomprehensible rant underneath. Proceed with caution.)

Like, not even touching the fact that Kassandra put Herodotus’s manuscripts in the LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA (which made me super mad about the burning of the Library which means that she put it there for NOTHING and his writing is GONE and it makes me EMOTIONAL)

Okay, so I touched on it a little.

But other than that, seeing the little bit at the end? The little “Kassandra’s journey continues in AC: Valhalla”??? Unreal. Absolutely not. I get that she’s immortal (a lie; I really, really don’t and did not appreciate that story line because of the fucking plot holes that gives the rest of the series but it’s fine I’m fine I’m ironing them out as all angry fanfic writers do) but dear lord why is she in another game??

Okay, I have taken a second and reviewed my words. Allow me to rephrase.

I actually really like Kassandra. I think she’s great. I can deal with her outliving everyone (which she DOESN’T DESERVE) and fucking about like the world’s greatest cryptid (srsly do they explain why she never got in contact with the assassins when she so CLEARLY adopted their weapon-of-choice and are aligned in the same damn cause?). Part of me is rubbing my hands together and cackling at all the sand this gives me to play with in the sandbox of canon. Another part of me is screaming and bashing pots and pans together in front of Ubisoft.

Kassandra showing up in another game? Incredible. Fantastic. Start filling in those plot holes immediately. But also? Valhalla is a separate game. (I have my own rant prepared on what I’ve heard about the game, but that is for another day and when I have actually completed the game and have a legitimate soapbox to stand on.)

Please, please inform me if Ezio or… someone? Some other game has an end credit scene with “their journey continues” after everything?

Maybe I’m not the target audience. Maybe I’m too happy with plot to be in the AC fandom. But, dammit, this is where you go to when you want to scream about your opinion and by golly who ever made it this far is going to hear it.

Like, okay, I felt so tired when I saw those words. I was taken right back to the MCU (which I love and adore) and just felt tired. The MCU, at the moment, is churning out, approximately, a fuckton of content at lightning speed. Usually, I can wrap my head around it and move on. But they are leaving no time to digest, very little time (imo) for me to settle into a character and form a connection before the next show/movie/short comes out! And they’re rushing (imo) after COVID with movies that can and should be, I don’t know, pushed back or reviewed or something.

However, I’m deviating a little bit. Sadly, not enough. Because I see those words in Assassin’s Creed, my little comfort murder video game who brought me into the bubble of video games that I didn’t leave and got me attached to these characters, and I am filled with… not even dread; I’m just tired of it.

Like, okay, you start a game with an assassin and Some Guy who happens to be his descendant. Okay, cool. Next game, you introduce another guy, sprinkle references to the first guy, and give the descendant some quirky friends. You then build on this group of people for the next two games (totaling four at this point) before introducing yet another family through the same guy. Then you kill the guy. It is a big, emotional scene, presumably with some implications and effects (affects?) and what-not. But the family stays. The next game, the family stays. But you waffle between protagonists for no less than four games. But at least everything is entwined!! At least you’re going after Juno, the quirky friends from earlier show up and help, everyone gets a sad fun reference through the games.

So then you start over.

You are over ten games into this franchise and you start over. To be fair, it’s with a new protagonist and it feels right. It’s a good decision! It pulls things more mythologically, but it works. Presumably, you’re setting things up. And then you bring up Atlantis. And you introduce an Isu. And there is very little progress in the modern world, even though (again, as far as I am fucking aware) there is a humanity-hating Isu in the internet probably fucking things up for people.

And after all of these games, which focus on death, dying, and the permanence of said death, you make one of the characters immortal. Like. Good sir, are you well? And then you tell me that this immortal character, which throws quite literally everything that was built up over ten-ish games into question, is showing up in the next game. No, no, not showing up, continuing her journey.

There are a few instances that will probably be brought up if anyone has really strong feelings against me disliking this.

Ezio had three games, why does it matter if Kassandra shows up again? Because!! This isn’t!!! Her game!!!! If this was Odyssey 2: Electric Boogaloo, so be it, go for it, very excited for you, honey, you’re doing great. But this is Eivor’s game. As in, about Eivor and their journey.

Well, what about Altair in Revelations? It’s basically the same thing and you liked that game? Yes, I did like that game. I liked it very much. But Altair had something going for him that Kassandra does not. Altair was dead. So very dead. Extremely, extremely dead in a way that does not effect Ezio in any way, shape, or form except as someone to be studied and put to rest. Kassandra? Alive. Very alive. Able to make active changes to her environment (and then they fucking killed her as soon as we figured it out, I swear, Ubisoft, I swear—).

Alright, well, Conner Kenway showed up in Liberation and he was living and breathing? Yeah, as a celebrity guest star. He lead Aveline around, helped her kill some people, stood around awkwardly in the snow, and called it a day. Like, if that is all it is, then my problems are zilch. You can ignore this whole rant and sit smugly with the knowledge that you have a good told-you-so ready as soon as I finish Valhalla. But dammit you don’t phrase things like Marvel if they only make a guest appearance (and if that is a thing, then shame on you. Keep the surprise).

I would like, as a fun change of pace, for game plots (if applicable) to be thought out. Just a little. Maybe even, and this is where I get ‘em, connected. I would like to see wtf Juno is up to at the moment. I would like to see Shaun and Rebecca again. I would like a tangible plot that connects all of the games and characters together in a way better than aesthetic.

But, again, that is more my personal grievances with the modern missions that needs it’s own angry rant.

Kassandra, sweet murder darling Kassandra, is really trying my patience here. Ideally, I play Valhalla, find out that the Abstergo and the Juno storylines were picked up, Kassandra shows up for a hot minute before fucking off to who-knows-where, and this whole rant is for nothing. Heck, I’d take one of the three at this point. Because, and I think I’ve tagged it now, I’m interested in their independent journeys.

Now, admittedly this gets a bit sketchy when talking about the Assassins. They’re like Batman. Everyone thinks they work alone until you look behind them and there is an army of adopted/blood family backing them up and doing their own thing.

AC1 is about Altair’s redemption. It’s also about Malik’s long hard road to forgiveness. If you really want to dip deep, it’s also Maria’s break-out role and Al Mualim’s descent into madness. Ezio’s trilogy is the rise of the Italian brotherhood and Ezio’s quest for vengeance, justice, and knowledge respectively. You can also find his mother and her dealings with grief, Claudia and her own coming-of-age story, as well as Leonardo’s grappling with the outcomes of his inventions. AC3 was about Connor’s work-life balance as he pursued vengeance and protecting the colonies through helping the revolution and his own little homestead. It was also intertwined with Achilles coming to terms with all of the death that preceded his life with Connor.

I could continue, but I think you get the point. My point is, these stories were all about the individuals, their own personal journeys through grief and heartache and morality, as well as their affects (effects?) on the ones surrounding them, the ones closest to them. By introducing Kassandra into Eivor’s tale, it takes away some of that individuality.

Kassandra already told her tale. (Hell, you fucking picked her tale out for her. But that is a can of worms I’ll explain later.) This is where the torch gets metaphorically passed and Eivor learns their own lessons. While these games are very much stab/slash/kill games, they are also about the meaning of choice and responsibility (especially when dealing with death). They push that these moral lessons are something that should be experienced and carefully examined by each individual.

And quite honestly, as long as Kassandra doesn’t get in the way of Eivor’s lessons? If Eivor gets their own tale, their own emotional journey, without clashing with Kassandra’s? Then, yeah. Yeah, I’ll be happy seeing my favorite misthios running around a different time.

[rumpunch]

HIIII so… i finally got to see hadestown this weekend (the national tour production) w two of my best friends 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i knew we were gonna see it for months but i didnt want to post abt it beforehand / acknowledge it in any way after making plans bc i was scared i would jinx it like what happened when i posted / talked abt seeing shows on the west end and then covid hit and sent me home lol. but i can’t believe i finally saw it!! it doesn’t feel real and honestly didn’t until right now as im writing this….. being in the theater was truly an out of body (and mind lol) experience for better or for worse. this was my first time seeing a show since covid and im soooo glad it was this one given how much it’s meant to me for all these years 🥹💗

i have a lot of thoughts on the production and also the plot / story so here they are lol:

production thoughts

for context ive never seen a hadestown 👢 before, i told myself that i wanted my first experience of seeing it to be actually seeing it in person. but ive listened to the obcr 5798673594 times over the last 3 years and the songs have become thoroughly woven into my life... so that made for a really weird experience where i knew every word but was watching it unfold for the first time and yet i knew what was coming for the most part. that also could be chalked up to the fact that ive seen so many gifsets and have read so many posts about other ppl seeing the show so i did know about some visual things.. but yeah it was just weird what i knew / expected and what i didnt lol

my friends and i sat in the back right corner of the mezzanine (like the LITERAL corner. no chairs behind us or next to us and the exit right next to us) and sadly the balcony in the set was cut off for us so we had to keep leaning across each other or scrunching our heads down to see the action up there :~/ but it was ok

i think bc of the above two bullet points + the fact that i really did not let myself believe that i was going to see the show bc i was scared of jinxing it + me having depression / possible derealization issues that i did not have when i first got into this show... i was kinda numb the entire time which sucks a little. i cried a couple times (happy / disbelieving tears in road to hell (persephone's entrance specifically for some reason, idk why it wasnt the "aight"s LOL) and any way the wind blows, sad tears in doubt comes in) but i didnt really... process anything in the moment or really experience the epic highs and lows of it while watching it. i just generally wasnt very moved! and im processing the show right now for the first time. and that kinda sucks and is unlike me and unlike what i thought seeing it was gonna be like. in a similar vein i found myself really focused on whoever was in the spotlight and im kinda mad at myself for that bc this is a show where SO many little details / context clues are communicated when ppl are in the background. but its fine i guess, i may be in a weird place mentally but i got to see it and maybe i'll see it again someday and be more moved

the cast was PHENOMENALLLLLL. j antonio rodriguez was our orpheus and he was the standout for me, his singing and acting as were breathtaking! i was frustrated about hannah whitley (eurydice) though bc like (and i feel bad for saying all of this)... nobody can be eva noblezada but hannah was missing a lot of notes / singing off key and kept like.. idk what the technical term for it is but she was kinda singing on her own beat and adding in a lot of pauses or rushing into things instead of staying on pace with the music and also she kept kinda revving up into the high notes and all of it grated on me. but i grew warmer to her singing in act 2 and i really appreciated her acting throughout! i didnt rly have many thoughts about hades (matthew patrick quinn), persephone (maria christina oliveras), or hermes (nathan lee graham) aside from ADORING all of their performances and what they brought to the roles compared to the obc! and the fates (dominique kempf, belén moyano, courtney lauster) / ensemble (kc dela cruz, colin lemoine, sean watkinson, shavey brown, raquel williams) / musicians were INCREDIBLE and had such amazing chemistry with and between each other :~D

antonio made for a bolder more charming orpheus and hannah made for a darker moodier more tortured eurydice which was interesting. but (and maybe this was just me dealing with the whole numbness / already knowing what to expect thing) i wasnt really convinced about their love story (specifically the early parts of it in act i as they were falling in love) or that orpheus in particular was insecure and vulnerable to the fates. but they did have some good chemistry in act ii especially and i was rooting for them so hard despite knowing wht was to come :~(

i knew that on broadway they have that little elevator in the center of the stage so i was curious about how it would work in the tour and... they had this giant oven box thing with moving doors! i actually really liked that, it made the whole idea of traveling to / from hadestown seem more sinister. that said i was kinda bothered by it during doubt comes in because orpheus and eurydice had to walk around the entire stage to make sure eurydice was positioned in front / inside of the oven and it kinda spoiled the ending in a way (even though we all know how that ends)... im guessing that on broadway its less exaggerated and you dont see it coming bc all eurydice has to do is just move over to the side a little. but idk i'll finally let myself watch a 👢 and see what the difference is

i couldnt take my eyes off of hades and persephone during promises. they started the song with hades kneeling with his head against persephone's stomach and then he stood up and they just hugged.... for a LONG time. like at least 3-5 minutes. and i was like god i wish that were me and i was thinking about what that mustve been like for the actors playing them.. like if thats a moment that they share and look forward to or whatever bc i know i would. it made me think about jenna's dear baby monologue in you matter to me LOLLLL

i saw from another post i read on here (as i was pregaming for the show by scrolling thru my hadestown tag LMAO) that orpheus runs through the audience at one point? and he didnt do that for us that i saw which i was bummed about. maybe thats just a broadway thing

i had no idea the set splits open during wait for me!!! it was so cool

i also didnt know / fully realize that hades produces a flower for persephone during epic iii 😭 the tears in my eyes... also speaking of epic iii hades singing the lalalalalalalaaaa got a LAUGH and i was so MAD!!!!! i get that its kinda funny because it just sounds so weird in his voice and its a startling moment... but that pissed me off bc the moment is supposed to be so tender and heartbreaking and the audience didnt appreciate that.. augh.

since its pride month the set was initially lit up with rainbow lights and in act ii hermes had little rainbow tassles on the ends of his sleeves!! :~D

plot / story thoughts

another context bullet point to kick us off: i discovered hadestown in the spring / summer of 2019 which was an INCREDIBLY formative time for me and so many aspects of the show (creative expression as a tool / forum for bringing about the world as it could be (and illuminating the possibilities in the world as it is), discovering that you have agency, love / loyalty / betrayal / sustenance, finding your purpose, etc.) were profoundly relevant to things that i was awakening to at that exact place and time in my own life. so i went into this experience hoping to have more insights like the kind i had when i first listened to the obcr... and i didnt really. i mean i had some but they didnt feel as profound i guess? and again that may just be me having mental health issues now that i didnt have then.. but that was a thing that i was aware of and kinda sad about. so yeah

that said... the main thing along those lines that i did take away (which really only hit me while watching epic iii / promises) is like... love is agency is love is agency is love.... or something like that. at least that they coexist and happen together. the oppressive conditions in hadestown and the poverty in the overworld strip the gods and humans alike of... their humanity (which is weird to apply to the gods but still)! their sense of self, and their love for each other and the world. the moment that became clear for me was in epic iii when the workers took off their goggles one by one and it was like.. they could See again! they could see themselves and each other, they were holding hands with each other and singing together. and they saw a future that they could create together. and hades was letting persephone dance and she kept spinning away from him with her arms outstretched like a bird but then coming back... idk. im not articulating this well and i need to think about it more and let it simmer for a bit and maybe watch a 👢 to get all the details. but it was like yeah... the opposite of capitalism imperialism etc etc is love and agency and they go together and they are the same thing.

another thing i need to think about more: orpheus went to hadestown all by himself to get eurydice! how come he was so confident then? he was LITERALLY alone. he didnt know where she went or if she would come back with him. and he didnt have the workers following him (though they were there in wait for me swinging the lamps, but i interpreted them as being like... part of the scenery i guess). he was completely alone and operating off of hope AND THE FATES TAUNTED HIM TOO and he was like... fine! so then in doubt comes in.. when he has all these people including eurydice following him... like idk. maybe its just because he'd confronted hades who couldnt fully be trusted and he knew that eurydice had turned her back on him and stuff... like maybe its just because on the journey back he'd experienced things that caused him to doubt / mistrust the people he was journeying with / from and that's what made him vulnerable, not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional loneliness that comes with a betrayal. which is something i just realized typing it out lol. but that kinda agitated me bc its like... he was FINE the way up so why did he crumble on the way back :~(

doubt comes in is such a fucking GUT PUNCH btw. i wanted to cry harder but didnt let myself bc i didnt want to be too loud or soil my mask. but i was so so scared to see it and it devastated me. its just so... SAD. and its so... like i relate to / identify with orpheus SO much yes in part because of the creative expression / seeing the two worlds thing but also because of doubt comes in specifically. its just so so so sad. he had all of these people including the person he loved most cheering him on and echoing to him. and he couldnt hear them. and he couldnt internalize how much they loved and believed and trusted in him. and he turned. that is so wrenchingly real. and it hurt so bad to see it playing out on the stage knowing what was about to happen and then WATCHING it in all the brilliant horror. like thats another insane thing the way the lights get so wildly bright. actually now that i mention that i think the lights are brighter in hadestown when bad things are happening. like hades saying I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY etc etc. that could be a whole post. someone should make that

im thinking a lot about The Song and whose song it is and actually WHICH song it is. bc if you think about it... so we're introduced to the lalalalalalalaaaa and whatever song that is which builds in the epics. and that song incites a lot of action like orpheus (quite literally!) tuning out eurydice which causes her to choose to go to hadestown, and hades realizing what love is and whatever. but another song that is equally if not more catalytic is.... IF IT'S TRUE!!!! bc thats the song that sparks the revolution among the workers and gives orpheus hope that he almost lost after learning about eurydice's betrayal and inspires eurydice to fight for something instead of succumbing to her fate. and in wait for me reprise when eurydice is singing "echoing OUR song" "the falling of OUR feet" ... like they're not alone as just the two of them, the workers are coming too!! so which song is she referring to! what if it's actually "if it's true" and the hopes that orpheus has stirred up about what the world could be?

btw speaking of orpheus tuning out eurydice... im sure this point has been made 5476463979 times but its rly interesting to think about how love languages (for lack of a better way to put it, ik that can be kinda reductive) work in this show. eurydice and orpheus both attempt to address the storm but the ways they choose to do it are different / dont align: eurydice tries to manage the short term by searching for food and firewood, while orpheus works on the song that will bring spring back and stop this kind of disaster from happening again. but iirc they dont talk about how they're going to take these two different but equally important strategies — eurydice at least interprets the song as being unimportant and orpheus just... straight up seems unaware of the food / firewood thing also being important. so theres a communication failure and eurydice interprets the silence as abandonment (for good reason, also relatable) and turns her back (ha!) on orpheus. and then with hades and persephone... hades does all these big flashy power gestures to show his love for persephone but it's the exact opposite of what she wants and they dont see eye to eye about how to express their love for each other either. yeah

speaking of eurydice making that choice... like yeah. sigh. betrayal is such a huge thing in this show. trust and betrayal. eurydice was (kind of) leading orpheus through the immediate short term danger of the storm and she turned on him. and the fact that she did was part of the reason orpheus turned on her. they made their vows in promises that they would walk side by side but he couldnt get over it (partially bc they literally weren’t allowed to physically walk as they planned but still). and eurydice said "im right behind you and i have been all along" and its like no you havent been thats the entire plot of the show lol (again for understandable reasons but still!)

another thing im sure has been analyzed 456456984 times but its interesting to think about hermes watching everything playing out while knowing how it will end and not choosing to intervene. idk what that means and my laptop is running out of battery so im not going to dig into it but im just thinking on it. BUT ALSO THAT GOES FOR US AS THE AUDIENCE like so many ppl probably know how it ends and maybe some ppl are seeing it multiple times and its like... anyone could intervene and change the story (within reason ofc). also goes for the other ppl on stage too like the musicians etc. its just interesting to think about the implications of that and what would happen if someone tried it both "in character" and "out of character" i guess

its interesting to think about the role walls play in the show too. like the wall hades is making the workers build to keep out the "enemy" and keep them (him) powerful and prosperous in their (his) isolation vs the walls repeating the falling of feet, echoing songs... letting people know theyre not alone. and the fact that that doesnt happen in doubt comes in even though orpheus is being followed by a whole crowd basically. idk. fascinating

ok those are all of my thoughts i think! i also saw some interesting posts / takes that im going to rb again bc theyre on my mind as i interpret the show but i dont want to put them in this post bc theyre not my original thoughts. ty for reading if you did :~D this is a glorious new era in rumpunch nation im so glad and grateful that i can finally say ive seen this beautiful show!

[nopeferatu]

sighgh...

one of the big reasons i was so afraid of getting covid aside from, yanno, death, was bc of my fear of the lost of taste and smell that came with it, and now i've lost my sense of taste and smell and i'm just so bummed.

it's my birthday next week and i normally dont make a big deal about it or even really tall about it whenever it comes, but i'm just kinda sad bc i usually don't have like super amazing birthdays? like my mom is usually always out of town thanks to a yearly work conference that usually gets scheduled around my bday, or bc my birthday weekend almost always coincides w labor day weekend there's been times where my family will plan things for the 3 day weekend, and my birthday gets pushed to the wayside bc of it.

but this is the first year in a long while where my mom will actually be in town for my bday! and since we're throwing a baby shower for my cousin, we have family coming down from the rest of the state who will be able to celebrate with us on the actual day of my birthday! and my mom actually ordered me a custom cake that i got to choose from the start and its supposed to be red velvet with cherries and buttercream and im just SO. FUCKING. MAD. that i probably wont be able to taste any of it when my bday actually comes 😭 right now all i smell is like. clogged nose. it just smells like congestion. which means it smells like NOTHING. and i taste very little!

and idk im just so frustrated and bummed cause im like really depressed and i dont rly enjoy much but food has always been a big comfort for me bc i love cooking and i love flavor and i love eating! but now i cant even enjoy food. all i get out of it is sustinence but its hard to have an appetite when you cant taste, yanno?? so its like rly. the one thing that is enjoyable abt life atm is taken away from me 😭 like bffr

ughhhh. rant over, i just needed to vent for a min

[theladyofbloodshed]

Hi! saw you are a teacher, may i ask how you choose to be one (if you don't mind 👉👈)? I am considering pedagogy but my experience with teachers when I was a kid weren't very good, as i was the "shy quiet lonely exclueded" kid in a class of louder kids, and the few times i got accepted by my classmates the teachers would scold me for talking too much but tell nothing to the other kids, i even remember one saying she didn't expected that kind of behavious coming from me as i was so behaved, and i was always the buffer for the most misbehaving kids, which i always hated

I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s so sad :(

I will write a very long biography

Uh I kind of got here by accident! I never wanted to be a teacher lmao. Basically, I studied psychology for my bachelors then switched to the sport science department for my masters and studied applied sport and exercise psychology. My dream was to work in sports. I was running a blog all about sport psychology and relating it to ice hockey and football based on current issues and applying like mad to jobs relating to sport and exercise but could find nothing. You need a lot of experience for these jobs but I grew up poor and couldn’t drive so I was working 40 hours a week, walking an hour to work and an hour back so didn’t have the time to walk elsewhere and volunteer. I’m not from a big place so there weren’t any sports team other than little local ones so I’d have had to take a train in the evening etc and I gave up.

Ended up getting so frustrated I just became an au pair. Moved to Denmark. Did try applying to volunteer with sports clubs but nobody ever got back when I tried to contact.

Came home and was working at greggs. Best job ever. I then started working at my local sports centre where I had to increase attendance amongst hard to reach groups, primarily elderly and disabled people. I really enjoyed that. I helped grow our local disability sport group, introduced trampolining to it, set up archery sessions etc. I also had a drop in club for over 60s where we played sport and had a chat over a cup of tea. Brought along dementia groups and prostate cancer groups to talk to them. (I still have a picture of us all up on my fridge when we went to London).

We had redundancies and I also ended up running the children’s club that ran in the school holidays. I had to do all the planning and did extra hours helping to run it (some weeks I was doing like 80 hours lmao).

I’ve always loved kids and I really enjoyed that part but I wanted more than just playing dodgeball with them. My boss was also a bit of a nightmare so I found a job as a TA in a school. I did that for 4 years and felt bad that I had a masters degree and was “just” a TA. At the same time, I wasn’t “just” a TA. Maybe in the past they washed up paint pots and listened to children read. Yeah, I made sure everything was photocopied and trimmed and supported lower ability kids in lessons but also I ran interventions that I planned for memory, phonics, fine motor skills, speech and language, emotional regulation. I was the first person they’d come to when they’d been in trouble or something awful had happened at home. I dealt with major safeguarding incidents, had to speak to aggressive parents, deal with things that massively shocked me about their home life whilst remaining professional. I’ve had diabetic children I’ve had to inject with insulin even on residential trips where I was their “parent” for 5 days straight, epileptic children who I’ve had to give medicine to daily, children who use wheelchairs that I’ve had to take to the toilet and change their nappies.

Then I got a promotion to cover classes as I’d done it a lot during covid when people were off. It was a massive learning curve but thankfully I already knew every child in the school and I was loved so they’d cheer when I walked through the door. I’ve worked with lots of teachers and seen great ones and good ones and different tactics and techniques. My mantra to them is “we have to do the boring bit before we do the fun bit”. We get the work done to a good standard and we can play a game, go outside etc. They know my rules!

I switched schools and now I am still covering but I get to plan the lessons I cover so it’s another step up. I teach every class but different subjects eg geography in one year group, religion in another. It’s more fun as I can decide how to deliver the lesson and can make it more engaging. I know the children a bit better now I’ve been there for a few weeks so I know what they’ll enjoy.

For me, I need to know the classes well. I get the energetic kids who can’t sit still to hand out books or sheets. I get the lowest ability children who can’t access the lesson to help me click things on the board so they’re still part of it. I get the shy children to whisper me the answer and I will tell the rest of the class. I’m very much adaptive to the class I have so they can all access it.

I love it although I do feel like I’m wasting my masters still. The money isn’t great. When I grew up, school was my safe place. I had a lot going on at home and school was stable and safe. It was really hard to leave my old school because I had children in difficult situations who also saw school as safe. They saw me as their safe adult who they could hug and cry on and ask to go for a private chat when things became too much. I think for me that was the most important part of my job and the thing that mattered most.

So that is how I ended up teaching! I think teaching depends a lot about the children and staff you work with. Some classes I’m like yay! I have them today! Other times I’m like “this afternoon is about me surviving them”. It’s fun and varied but also hard work. I don’t have a TA with me ever which is hard!

[shinidamachu]

Hi Sid. I'm not from Brazil but amidst your elections, I hope that you are well. 😊💓

Thank you so much! That's very sweet of you.

Well... I'm honestly not as okay as I thought I'd be, but I'm better now that the dust has settled than I was yesterday, when the results came out.

See, Brazil has always been a very divided country, politically speaking. And historically, a run-off for presidency, especially between a left-winged and a right winged candidate is nothing new.

The thing is: Bolsonaro's not a right winged candidate. He's a far right winged candidate. A genocine, a straight up fascist who flirts with nazism and allowed almost 700k brazilians to die in the pandemic because he wouldn't buy the goddamn vaccine, encourage people to stay at home or wear a mask. He underastimated COVID-19 and made fun of people while they died from lack of oxygen.

And I'm a little mad at myself because I allowed myself to be hopeful that four years of this shit would be enough for people to defeat him in the first round, like the polls indicated, but that's not what happened. Over 50 million brazilians voted for this guy even still.

That's very scary and disappointing because this is very close to the votes he got in 2018. Only in 2018 we could excuse people's behavior because Bolsonaro presented himself as an outsider. Even if the left knew exactly who he was and what he would do, other people didn't really know him and payed to see what his government would be like. Now that they do, they still choose to vote for him.

It's all very sad because they aren't being fooled. They aren't voting for him because of their "hatred for corruption" or because of the goddamn economy. It's clear now: they're voting for Bolsonaro because they see themselves in him. They agree with his anti-black, women, envirimentalist, indigenous and LGBTQIA+ ideologies.

And while the left winged parties were busy casting their energy in getting this man out of office, a lot of his allies were ellected for congress, some of them with eight years long terms, which is gonna be a real pain in the ass to fix in the decades to come.

It's just... heartbreaking to see first hand how a country I love so much can hate me and people like me with such intensity. Lula will win the run-off and that's a very important first step, but the road ahead still looks long and bleak because even if Bolsonaro gets defeated, bolsonarism won't go down this easily. That much was clear last night.

Anyway, I'm allowing myself to feel sad and bitter for now, but tomorrow's a new day and we have a lot of work to do. This is not over yet.

[madrivervalleyicelandics]

Team Mad River Valkyries were Reserve Champs at GMHA’s Annual Hunter Pace 💪

Best part was seeing 2 horses I sold thrive w their new owners. Otur & Smári ❤️ Both sold to first time horse owners, both so super and relaxed and happy to be out (and happy to see each other, which was extra extra adorable - the nickers!!)

Was talking to my husband about this last night but the other special part of today was getting to actually… do…. Something? And have it go well? Something that we planned in advance that actually got to happen? Idk if this is true for anyone else but Covid has fully burnt me on planning for anything. The past years have been so full of disappointment at best and tragedy at worst. This Fall, for our family especially, has been riddled with sad things and family illness. So it just felt good to get out and have fun, as planned, and to have a bit of silly little success at the end was just icing on the cake.

[ifievertoldyou]

GRADUATION CAP

my graduation cap is inspired by @alexanderwesker 's fic, The House Always Wins, so i figured that i'd share it here ^^

more stuff about my process under the cut :]

theme

i wanted to find a hopeful quote from thaw, since that actually fits the tone for a graduation. and that line in Chapter 10: "Against all odds, Q had won." came to mind. and i thought that quote was pretty damn fitting for my graduation story too, with just how many difficulties came up that made it so much harder for me, with covid and virtual school being a big one, though there's definitely way more too..

and just like how q was tempted to fold during his bet against quackity, i could've easily just given up instead of dealing with all the stress and chaos that was my entire high school experience. but both q and i decided to still see it through, even with all the uncertainty that we had to deal with from that choice to keep going. and despite all the odds that were stacked against us, we had still managed to make it and get that first ever taste of triumph. hopefully the first of many.

design

so since i went with the quote about q winning his first ever poker game, i decided to go with a gambling theme.

i knew i wanted an ace of spades card visible, since, for one that's the card that q won with, and for another, aces symbolize growth and excellence, and i figured that'd be good for a graduation.

i also put that smiley poker chip on the little button-thingy, since it was just too perfect not to do. i would've liked to glue an actual poker chip onto it, but i didn't have the time nor the poker chip, so i just used paper.

colors

i really wanted to incorporate red, purple, black, white and teal/cyan for this project, since those are the colors that come to mind when i think of thaw.

at first i wanted to put both red and purple cards, but i quickly found out that purple playing cards are trickier to find, especially ones who have matching backs with the red ones. so i decided to just go with red playing cards, and do purple flowers instead, since that's a pretty common thing that people put on their caps.

i also wanted to include a sculk flower, just because i had some extra space and thought i might as well, yk? though it was a bit sad that i couldn't find any fake roses in that color, i had to go with a peony instead, but i think the color is pretty close to what's in minecraft, so i'm not too mad about it.

i picked the blue-green letters bc i figured it'd match the 'sculk' color well, and also it's like my favorite color so that was a bonus (also ik they're a bit more yellow in the picture, i had to manipule the lighting so that the letters were more legible on-camera. here's what it looks like without the lighting, from a different angle where the light isn't hitting it like that):

^ definitely more matching, but you can barely read the bottom letters on camera, so i needed more light

also the colors are perfect, because red/white and purple/teal are actually the colors of the two high schools that i went to, so my classmates would never know the real reason behind me choosing those particular colors.. they'd think it was just me showing school pride. little do they know, i'm actually just a massive fucking nerd (they definitely already know that, but i can pretend)

but yeah, there's my silly little special interest cap. getting into thaw definitely made my high school experience a whole lot better. and with all the thaw-related things i drew for assignments, i figured it'd be wrong of me if i didn't commemorate thaw here somehow ^^

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Okay so, since you may be able to tell my RotE fever has returned I thought it might be time for a little Realm of the Quarantine update/thot dump. May be a little scattered and it gets personal but here we go!

1. Yes, it has been a fucking full year between finishing Mad Ship and finally cracking open Ship of Destiny, but yes, we are still going! Again, I have been following my sister's pace with this read, and she is chronically ill and a parent of a wild 4 year old (who I essentially co-parent just btw) so her capacity to read at all can fluctuate wildly. She was maybe a quarter through Ship of Destiny when she fell into a severe slump and so I just never started it after finishing Mad Ship. She picked up the book every so often but I wasn't confident she would keep it up and I preferred to be stuck between books than between chapters. Anyway, she finally hit her stride in December and finished Liveship, and now she is almost finished Fool's Errand!! She was literally sobbing today and I was like oh shit it's happened... Nope it's only the bit where Fitz and Dutiful go through the skill pillar leaving the Fool and Nighteyes behind 🙃 honey, you got a big storm comin (I'm sorry)

2. Realm of the Quarantine? Still? Yeah, for the sake of tagging it doesn't make sense to change the name, but also my brother just got covid 🙃 first one in our family (he's okay!!) so the legacy lives on I guess. Anyway I think the name will always fit because it's a good way of tying it to the when and why of its beginnings. Literally insane that this will be the third year of this reread lol huh??

3. On that note, I cannot WAIT for the day I get to inhale this series again at my own (supremely unhealthy) pace. I was so looking forward to picking up on all the nitty gritty details and through lines because this is my first time reading chronologically and yeah I still can to an extent but it's now once again been years since I read the first books so ya know, the cohesion just isn't there.

4. On THAT note, I have definitely been pretty rusty getting back into the series. I'm engaged and enjoying it while I'm reading but you should see the amount of tabs compared to the others lol, and the amount of notes. I think it's just taking a while for my feelings about the story to kick back in all the way, but that is definitely happening more and more as I go on (almost halfway through now)! There are also just a lot of dropped threads, things I was keeping track of in my notes before which I don't have a clear enough memory of to keep following now, so it's honestly just kind of hard to know what kinds of things I should be noting? But again that's getting better. I might actually read my notes from the previous books tomorrow cos that would help, I'm sure. All this is linked with the fact that my sister, neice and I have just moved into our own place together, out from an extremely unhealthy situation. The move was really sudden, and although an incredible opportunity it was also inhumanly stressful and exhausting. I became severely dissociated and I'm still finding my way back to myself. But honestly getting back to RotE has been a big help with that!! It's just that yeah, there are so many disconnects whether it's my memory, the flow of the story being interrupted by a long break or my ability to feel much. It's all getting better. But I just wanted to put that out there in case my Ship of Destiny write up ends up being a bit of a skinny legend :( I know it doesn't actually matter I just am kinda sad about it because this trilogy is so dense and I was connecting so many dots and now it's like someone came and cut all the strings on my serial killer corkboard and I'm starting from scratch. But oh well!!

5. There is no greater motivator for reading than to know your sister is experiencing some absolute fucking PEAK Fitz and the Fool content without you

6. Speaking of which, you may notice a contradiction between my stated disconnect from Liveship and claiming my RotE madness is back. Well, this is actually not an entirely new phenomenon. Last time I was reading Liveship I wasn't disconnected from it, but it did still ignite my Fitz/Fool rabies. I'd be reading Liveship all day, perhaps without so much as a mention of Amber popping up, yet spend all night dreaming about Fitz and the Fool? Honestly just takes the most flimsy of threads for those two to hijack my brain. But I'm not complaining about it.

7. Sadly have not been struck with inspiration for memes yet, but hopefully Sa will bless me soon.

8. Long story short, I'm back and becoming more and more obsessed every day which strangely is a sign I'm doing much better lol. It sounds strange but if my sister keeps this going and I can make it through Tawny Man without any major interruptions I think it'll genuinely be really good for my mental health. The ability to get excited about something, be unapologetically passionate, think critically, experience a masterpiece which might inspire me to do some writing of my own and just generally spend time on something I love are all things that have been missing from my life. Returning to RotE is far from the most important change in my life right now but it is intrinsically tied to those changes. A friend to accompany me on this new road. Sorry to be cheesy I just honestly have worked so relentlessly and hopelessly hard to get here all while never really believing I would arrive. I still don't really believe it but I want to. The fact I even have the mental clarity or will to put this post together is remarkable on its own. So I'm taking stock. I've missed talking shit with you guys, I hope we all have a beautiful year 💫

[bisluthq]

https://www.tumblr.com/bisluthq/759181396359135232/just-a-quick-note-but-taylor-and-travis-lived?source=share

I'm not saying they didn't spend a lot of time with each other during those two months, because people who live together do have jobs and it works like that but...out of those 2 months, they were like a week in the Bahamas and the rest of the time Taylor was mad busy working on the new TTPD set for Eras which included new coreography and new rehersals.

So much so that during those months, Travis was papped around LA coming and going and her only one time was in the gym and then on their joint pap walk out of the restaurant. Also during that time, Travis had to be in LA because of the game show and the Ryan show. It was probably more living together out of convenience tbh. He was filming both, their weekly podcast and probably commercials and stuff like that.

For a first time cohabition experience, it was not very much of a new couple moving in. More like a couple that has already fallen into a routine and probably only sees each other when they get home. Taylor herself said that offstage the only thing she thinks about is the tour and doesn't even seem to have other hobbies

right what I’m saying is, given the stakes for them both for this tbh, I don’t think they should make permanent legal decisions until they’ve had time to spend like a normal amount of time together in a relatively normal period of their lives (it can be during season and she can be working on stuff but then they must be in KC bulk of the time and welcome to Missouri Jack A, I guess, hope you like it there). I genuinely think it can work but I think they’d be stupid to make permanent LEGAL decisions that will have literally lifelong repercussions based on fun things they did over the course of a very abnormal year.

I brought up Jack and Maggie and they started dating in like early summer 2021, got engaged about a year later, and got married a little over a year after that. Those years were actually very normal years for them both (for the foreseeable future at least) and they were, from like autumn 2021, very attached at the hip. They may not have cohabitated the way a lot of us normies do when we first move in with someone but they were seeing if it can work and seemingly there’s no reason it won’t be able to work for the foreseeable future. They can time work around each other and be together most of the time despite both very much being employed and idk it all just seems quite functional (Maggie’s very strange but Jack’s into that based on Lena and like he tried relatively normal with Carlotta and couldn’t commit to her as hard so idk I guess weird af is his vibe lol). That’s pretty quick but Jack’s no spring chicken and has been wanting to get married in theory since like 10 years ago so when he found someone he knew he wanted to marry he obviously went for it. But not without checking it could work first lol.

Taylor and Travis, through no fault of their own, haven’t had the chance to do that yet so marrying them off right now seems silly?

I also will remind y’all about how when Ari got married I had Joe antis yelling about how look Ari got married so quick and poor Taylor and idk man I’d rather have Taylor’s situation than what appeared to have been a miserable and toxic marriage that ended in a costly divorce like… idk man. Get to know the person first. Fwiw I don’t think Ari would’ve done it as quickly either if she hadn’t been so sad about Mac and to a point about Pete (though that not working out was also related to Mac) and also COVID which made everyone do crazy ass stupid shit. She actually legit seems happier and looks healthier now that she’s with SpongeBob (all the homewrecking aside) but I don’t see her marrying him super quickly either btw because we’re no longer stuck inside.

Idk man unless you’re super religious or need to do it for like visa purposes or spousal immunity or some shit idk why you’d get married before you actually know who the fuck you’re marrying.

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 16, 2024

jinxed again. note: never start thinking that my life might be turning around becuase nine times out of ten, something's waiting to smack me back on my ass.

Recap: Monday, March 4: Watched Thor, worked from home. Tuesday, March 5: walked to chase in the morning to withdraw some money, worked from home, walked to trader joe's to use the last of my gift card and get things like eggs and bananas. Wednesday, March 6: in office day. Thursday, March 7: nothing calendared. probably just worked from home. helena from work kind of spoke harshly from me and it was all i could do not cry until the moment we hung up. Friday, March 8: i thought this was my massage/lunch day with lana, but i guess it was actually for two weeks from today? or it was pushed out? probably i mis-calendared it. but i did check on grace y since she had an appointment regarding some health issues. Saturday, March 9: i though i had lana's birthday dinner thing but that was miscalendared as well so instead went on a little nature walk/hike near jpl with my mom and had lunch at fish king afterward. Sunday, March 10: lana's birthday, so i texted a bit. i think i went to church. Monday, March 11: i think i started to feel a little sad. either the day prior or today i went to my mom's for lunch/dinner and just cried. i could feel myself being irrationally sad and angry and realized it was PMS so tried not to take it too personally. in part of my sadness i reached out to amir about happy hour on tuesday but he didn't really get back to me or share in my enthusiasm and just "liked" my comment and i felt bad and stupid and angry and alone. Tuesday, March 12: i felt the annoyance and anger and irritability full force. when amir texted back to say he'd be at work and i should come down i was too upset and said too bad, the moment had passed. i could just feel my emotions raging. something else had happened with lorena i think monday-tuesday, so i was peeved at her as well, just peeved at everyone and everything. in my noon walk i thought of jadai, as i often do, and i thought of how she would reach out to me, and how i should actually be the last person in the world she should reach out to. with all of her friends and family, her fiance, and now without cooper, so much extra money, that she really shouldn't have come to me for covid tests, to borrow my cooler (and never give back my yeti ice), to ask to borrow my bowflex weights. how she would be the last person in the world i'd ask, how i'd rather buy it myself or just go without, but i wouldn't reach out and drive the distance.

soon after i got home, pissy with these thoughts, jadai, almost telepathically it seemed, reached out, for the first time since she learned about xio, so about four months: "idk your feelings on it, but i feel like it's been way too long!!! i was trying not to reach out for a while, so just wanted to see if it's ok that i do. i'm always hoping you're doing more than well, and all the good things." 1:34 p.m.

this sent me into a true meltdown, full-on sobbing, and anger. it seemed like she was trying to touch base with an old pal she had fallen out of touch with, a summercamp friend, or just someone whose birthday it was and she had temporarily forgotten about them and was like now, omg how are ya? and that made me so sad and mad. she had been on the forefront of my mind for so long, been the center of so much suffering, and for her to just pop up so nonchalantly, so flippantly, and just say hey as if the lack of communication was inadvertent on my part, which of course it wasn't. i had decided not to message her back after her birthday, and was even more assured of it after xio's passing. i texted several people and came to the conclusion, some hours later, to write back "i'd prefer we not communicate," to which she responded: "ah ok. like not communicate at all, ever?" which threw me into another fit of distraughtness because it was so hard to formulate that first message, and i thought it was it, but to have to answer again with some sort of parameters? it's like the suffering just would not cease. after additional hours of tumult, i decided not to respond, because in a sense, i already had, and i didn't know if it was going to be temporary or last until the day i died, but i could not speak as to when i might be able and just didn't want to keep the dialogue going.

the next day was wednesday, and i could feel the emotions just getting worse. i worked, and at some point joyce whispered me into her office and i jokingly whispered if it was a secret, and we jokingly whispered the issue about one of my forms being wrong, and right before i left, i continued the joke for just a bit longer and said, "is there anything else?" to which she responded that she had started a lunch walking group that would be 40 minutes total, 20 minutes out and 20 minutes back, and welcomed me to join. i asked if i'd have enough time for lunch and she said, "just take a longer lunch!" to which i was like oh heck yhea! and at noon she, two others, and i started walking to, through, and around little tokyo, mostly led by her, as i didn't know what path to go to and we chatted a bit, and i pointed out some of my favorite restaurants, etc. as we re-approached the office, it was noted that it had been only 35 minutes and we still had another 5 minutes to walk, so joyce recommended we take one more round around the block, down the street of the building jadai works in, and .... of all the gin joints in the world, as we walked down, me first, i saw her and a friend walking her up, her hair perfectly coiffed, her sunglasses on, smiling, talking, wearing a perfect baby blue suit with a white flowy top, looking loose on her languid figure and instantly we recognized each other, and i saw her pause in her step, and i nodded and waved, said a small "hi", and kept walking, and she smiled and waved and said hi but had that momentary stop as if to talk to me but must've kept walking when i did. almost as soon as she passed, the tears welled up, and at some point i also realized that it was 3/13, our anniversary, that 5 years ago to the day we had met at tony's and decided that that was it, and now here we were, two strangers walking down the sidewalk, almost brushing shoulders, and all i could feel was so much pain. the tears started almost immediately and i was in the office weeping, tears trickling down, and at some point, went to the bathroom to sob in the handicapped stall. how could the universe be so cruel. what were the chances of all of this happening, on that day of all days in the year.

she messaged me again: "hey such crazy timing seeing you just now! Sorry i would've stopped, but didn't know if i should cuz of your text. would you be down to meet up outside real quick or grab a coffee?"

to which i didn't reply but just cried and cried. i had last corresponded that we shouldn't communicate, and here she was, thinking we should, asking me to, in person, no less.

the cruelty was beginning to just be unimaginable and i seriously considered asking to go home for the day because i just felt so terrible and could not stop crying and i had been so proud of myself for not yet openly crying at work and yet here i was.

that was wednesday and today is saturday. i slept for 13 hours yesterday and have been crying on and off since then. it feels like regression. it feels like the first few months of her leaving. it feels so raw and new all over again, and everything has become so triggering. i'm realizing that when i take my walks, i rarely turn left at kenneth anymore and have been turning right, because left was how i walked with jadai. i still get her mail sometimes, but mostly junk mail. the mail man asked about her last week, asking if all jadai mail should be returned to sender and i said it should. whenever i walk by her building or even down that street, i wonder if she's in one of the cars, or in her office and can see me, and how stupid and fat and ugly and lonely i look, and whether she sees me with a mix of pity and regret. i think of her constantly. she has become a recurring dream, and in the last one, even there, i knew we were not together. i am not at rest, even in my sleep.

i need to go as today is lana's birthday dinner and i need to try and not cry for the first time this week. i've been trying to stay away from alcohol because it might induce more crying and then more subsequent regrettable behavior, but i don't know about tonight. i don't know how much longer this can continue. i thought i was out of the storm, but then the storm came back from me. how cruel.

[chrispychrisalis]

i cried

Today, I had a mental breakdown. When I was exercising, I suddenly went on an impassioned rant about how I could never do the things I want because I am in no position of privilege to take my time to graduate nor extend the number of semesters I stay in school for.

I can’t be in that position, so why bother changing where I am right now?

I don’t like the feeling of knowing that I’m not ok.

When I was 8, it was the first time I had a suicidal thought. I remeber asking God if I died that my remaining 72 years of life would be transferred to other people. I was such a little philanthropist.I never did die, considering how I’m still here, but the deep feeling of sadness has never stopped haunting me.

When I was 17, I experienced my first panic attack on the toilet bowl. I cried, hiccuped, felt like I was unable to breathe. The reason? After my family had gotten COVID it was up to me and my sister to buy dinner for everyone. We had been doing this for days, until one day as we bought KFC my mom got mad about some drink changes and it made both of us so miserable the only way I was able to let it all out was cry on the toilet bowl. I do that a lot.

Today, after my pent up feelings of not being able to live my life as per my wishes were released, my family came home from dinner. I dont know what happened but suddenly my mom got all mad about us not minding our own businesses and how we keep trying to fix her hoarding behaviour, and suddenly our sibling chill time at the dining table ended in a few minutes. I stared at the alcohol in her hands and wondered if it was the alcohol’s fault, but as I recalled the story of Bojack, I realised that substances dont make people do things, its just a scapegoat.

My sister chose to left the table, while my brother tried to use humor to comfort her. Me? I sat under my study table and cried my little heart out until I realised I was way to loud and went to bathe so I could continue sitting on a stool and cry.

If I let my mom know I cried because of her as I did in the past, it will turn from her saying sorry to her getting angry because its not like she can do anything to fix it so how about I just stop crying? If my brother sees me crying he will call me emotional. I cant cry because I was not directly impacted. According to their logic, the spillover effects from what they do should not hurt me, but yet with every argument and every sibling gathering at home getting broken up, I feel so lonely. 

Sometimes I feel that because I dont self harm, nor do I actually attempt to kill myself, I dont have depression. But maybe I do, and I've just been avoiding that sense of emptiness and sadness that I cant just seem to shake off. I feel like im unfixable and mentally broken. Why am I only 20 and so sad all the time? If i can be this sad when Im young, where does that leave me for the rest of my future? How do I move forward? What is my future even?

Who am I?