lifewithoutmeds

[lifewithoutmeds]

Tuesday, March 26

Tuesday. work from home day, and the first working day since yesterday was a holiday.

recap: monday, march 18th: nothing calendared. probably just wfh and the usual chores. tuesday, march 19th: in office day, and i met up with stephen t during lunch break and we had hainan chicken in his office and chatted and affirmed how much we appreciated and enjoyed each other's company and conversations. we had an in-person training day at the office learning how to fill out this quarterly form and i knew all of the answers and would raise my hand and eagerly answer the questions. afterward, the three koreans in the office waved me over and told me about a happy hour next wednesday as a colleague was retiring. i was surprised because i hadn't yet been invited out to a happy hour and i really hadn't seen myself making friends in this office. i was flattered, naturally. after work i went to BJ's for a few beers and met a queer lady at the bar and we had a really nice chat and exchanged ig handles and have been keeping up a bit. no attraction on my part but we had a lot in common so that was fun. wednesday, march 20th: mm, nothing calendared. thursday, march 21st: coworking day with danielle. we took a long walk with snicks at lunch and another one after work, instead of the typical happy hour. we walked over to get a healthy wrap from hummus republic, and then watched an episode of Love Is Blind and kind of realized that we could have fun without drinking and be healthy as well. it was still a bit tempting to go out and drink, but that was nice also. friday, march 22nd: worked from home, and about noon a guy came over to inspect my windows and we identified three that needed a tuneup. after work i joined a new abbey hiking group at griffith park, and i almost threw up as the elevation and pace were a bit much for me, but had a really nice hour and a half chat with one of the hiking leaders. saturday, march 23: slept almost the entire day, and then lana came over at about 6pm and we drove downtown to watch fortune feimster at the United Theater (formerly known as the Ace Hotel). we had pretty good seats, tig notaro made a surprise guest appearance to introduce fortune, and later on we realized that she and her wife were sitting directly in front of us so after the show we said how we were fans. afterward we walked to senoratown and lana treated to a delicious burrito. it was a really nice time. we get along really well, understand each other really well, and also have a very complementary sense of humor. however the burrito gave me a bit of a stomachache so i didn't sleep well. sunday, march 24: slept all day. about 12 hours. didn't go to church. just slept. monday, march 25: this is a newer county holiday, cesar chavez day. i finally got up, met up matt klapp for brunch in pasadena, and then we walked about one and a half hours on the trail behind JPL, talking the whole time, about life, about relationships, about xio, about how to get better. it was a really good time. i came home, did some chores, then hung out with my mom for an hour and ate some of the costco pizza she had purchased earlier that day. afterword i met up with lorena a bit spontaneously at BJ's and we had a couple beers and for some reason i had gotten randomly very sad and wept, per usual.

tuesday, today! worked pretty productively from home. did two loads of laundry. took a longish lunch hour walk, took a shower, read about 25 pages of my book while sitting out in the partial sun by the pool, reserved my Puebla hotel on the phone, and had planned to go walking with tracy after work, but she asked to postpone since a therapy session had to be rescheduled. although i was a bit disappointed to not be able to meet up as she's great company and i was looking forward to a long walk, this week has gotten increasingly busy, so i don't mind the break from activity.

the week ahead: wednesday: in office day, and happy hour afterward at highland park brewery near chinatown. will try not to get manically drunk and leave by 7:30pm. 8 tops. thursday: work from home, and then chrissy d will be coming over so we can go to the wiltern to see Sleater-Kinney, one of her favorite bands from high school. i think she mentioned she'd get dinner before, as i'd quit work at 5 and we'd probably need to leave around 6 or 6:30 to get to the wiltern and find parking timely. friday: RDO, but a 10:30 a.m. brunch with matt and patti, facetime with kelda at 2pm, and dinner with jeanine randomly at 6pm. saturday: just VBAS volunteering from 2-4pm. sunday: church, and lorena has said she'd come.

so yhea, lots to do. literally something every day or night.

i'm happy to note that this last week has been so much better than two weeks ago. it's a bit unsettling, how much my emotions have settled down. the intensity, the pain, the horror, the screaming in my soul have abated, and i just have a sort of sweet heavy sadness. the burden is not too great. i'm a bit lower energy than usual, but i'm not shrieking in pain. i had a really nice time with matt and i hope i was a help to him. i want to make it a point to go out walking with him every few weeks. although i can't quite relate to the depths of grief and sorrow that he is experiencing, i think i get it more than others, as my daily existence is typically plagued by that.

i'm thinking again about our incompatibilities. i was messaging with jingmai and she was saying how she does the little things like drink out of a klean kanteen and other small acts of consideration to people and the environment. i remembered that i drank almost exclusively out of my nalgene for water, and out of my little yeti thermos for coffee, and my reusable utensils at work. i make it a point to recycle. i bundle up or use a small space heater if i'm cold even though i can turn the heat up as much as i want without having to pay any extra for it. it's kind of interesting how i don't think people have much of an effect on big things, global things, like climate change, or capitalism/consumerism, or racism, or poverty, etc., so i don't think it's a worthy investment of resources to even try. but then again, why then do i use my nalgene? why do i reuse deli cups? i must in some way think that i'm capable of helping out, of making a dent, of trying to make the world even a slightly better place to live. i'm not sure what to do with that information though. if i think my small actions can make a difference, should i also throw myself into systemic change and wide-ranging policies? how can i actively not think it's helpful but also automatically act in ways which i think are helpful? there's some incongruity there that i should take some time to think about.

this week has felt better. i'm watching less youtube, and it has less of a pull on me. granted i think on saturday i had 14 hours of screen time, which is odd, considering i also logged 12 hours of sleep. i somehow wasted more than 24 hours in a given 24 hour period. hm.

small successes today: took a few walks got some sun while reading my book made my puebla hotel reservation counted my calories, and even though i'm not quite in a deficit, also won't just completely sabotage myself by running to ralphs to get a pint of ben and jerry's.

i feel grateful to have friends.

friends i am so grateful for: lana grace yoon grace kim amy lee tracy danielle caroline patti lorena amy caves jingmai

matt t matt k steven t amir t raymond m that's a nice amount. also in terms of gratitude: 15 years in the County (10 away from health insurance for life) condo $1300 mortgage payments 2.625% interest rate subaru my coffee set up mom, alive, and living close by working on the health. lots of walking in the last couple days, and i've eaten an apple (but also four slices of costco cheese pizza) more consistent reading, and less screen time also this week has an insane number of social activities i also signed up for my next few sessions of VBAS volunteering to make my 8 hours/month

i remember thinking about how my last two years have been. 2022 was mostly sleeping, crying, raging, and numbing myself. it was buying a bunch of gummies, it was playing 30 hours of oregon trail on my phone a week. it was new horror after new horror as i saw myself being scrubbed from jadai's ig, of watching her stuff slowly get moved out. it was also the year of my obsession with lorena, messaging her, visiting her, flying her out, spending so much time and energy in keeping her engaged, in treating her to the finest foods and experiences in LA. taking her camping, taking her fishing, all while she was falling for reyna, and eventually partnering up with her, and the agony i felt as i facilitated it like the simp/cuck that i am. 2023 was the year i tried really hard to get myself out. i made a bunch of resolutions, i started reading a bunch of books, i started an llc for my kimchi pancake business that never really got off the ground, i fostered kiwi and signed up to become a volunteer at the burbank animal shelter. i made friends with LD and tracy via bumble bff. i camped in bishop with LD and her partner. but then in may the mental health crisis hit and i could do nothing but sob for months. the week i felt my new meds start leveling me out, i learned about jadai's engagement and lost it all over again. but there was something a tiny tiny bit different. i reached out like crazy. i visited nida. i constantly called and texted my friends. i made plans. i coworked with amir once, and made monthly plans to cowork with danielle. i bought a bunch of books about grief and lost relationships. i reached out to kelda and made my therapy sessions more frequent. in a sense, i was the saddest i'd ever been, but there was also this weird sense of .... desperate attempts to dig myself out. granted there were so many triggers: my birthday, her birthday, christmas, new year's, etc.

2024 was off to a good start. i hung out with my mom and cindy eemo a lot. i went camping at joshua tree with my new lesbian asian friends. i followed through with the volunteering stuff (interview, livescan, etc.) i started to read again and made resolutions. i scheduled in live shows to fortune feimster and alanis morissette. i started listening to alanis, jason mraz, and pearl jam again. i watched more of The Office and less of police body cam videos. but then, the text from jadai came, and then the insane, sick coincidence of bumping into her on the street. on our anniversary. and the week and a half of mental breakdown that precipitated.

i know that it won't be smooth sailing, that it won't be that once i push through one crisis or hardship, that i'll be one and done. i am feeling some new insights occasionally, and sometimes my sighs are not so deep and heavy.

things to keep working on/at: maintaining friendships working out and eating healthily reading and writing volunteering at the shelter dressing and feeling better about myself making some home improvement repairs

i just need to keep plugging away and not feeling and acting only in extremes. i also want to spend more time with people who bring out the best in me like lana, tracy, and patti, and less time with those who drain me, as selfish as that may sound.

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 18, 2024

Monday.

Saturday (Lana's birthday dinner) was okay. There were a total of six of us, including mirna, and i ended up talking to her most of the time. i tried to stay on topic, that is, trying to be conversational and a part of other people's conversations, but towards the end, i think i started crying again, in the bathroom, and just weeping and everybody consoling me and me being embarrassed, and after dinner, mirna and i got a drink at the nearby farbar, and i was thinking how jadai and her coworkers came here once, and i called up the staff and asked to be billed for a pitcher of margaritas and vegetarian nachos, and i was so pleased to be thinking about how surprised and glad they would be when they got them. so of course far bar made me weepy too. mirna was kind, sympathetic, of course, and she told me about her exes, and her current boo and how hard things have been and it was somewhat reassuring to know that other people struggled too, even when they were together, even when they were partnered.

sunday i went to church and met grace k there. i cried at church again and then wept talking to grace afterward. i then went to meet amy lee for lunch and cried the whole time. after a nap or cleaning or something i met up with patrick, caroline, grace y and her husband, and we went to this st. patrick's day thing that patrick's friend was hosting and we had dinner, some whiskey, live irish music, and some table magic. halfway through i started to cry and james showed some genuine irritation/frustration at me. i thought the singer looked like jadai, she sant a song off of U2's joshua tree album, i thought of how i'd been to joshua tree three times with jadai, once for her birthday, they sang sinead o'connor's "nothing compares to you" and i cried and cried.

i just feel again that everything is so sad and painful and pointless and that jadai was the light of my life and extinguished it when she left it. today is monday and i woke up with the now familiar heaviness, the defeated long sighs, feeling deflated, broken.

however.

however.

i'm having some interesting insights.

in my last therapy session with kelda, i suddenly burst out that i didn't think i needed to tell jadai how i was feeling, and that i would rather that she didn't feel bad, because i was worthless. and i kind of was startled at this admission. i don't think i'd ever articulated it before, but there it was, out in the open. even yesterday or so, i was thinking about how as much as i've been pedestalizing jadai, one genuine flaw that i could agree with was that she had abandoned cooper, just thrown him away when he outlived his usefulness, and how cooper didn't deserve it, that he was the best dog, that it wasn't him that changed, it was her. and then it struck me that .... i somehow thought it was the worst crime that she would abandon him, but that somehow it was acceptable that it could happen to me. that somehow, i believed that i should be treated less than cooper. that i was less worthy than a dog (to be fair, cooper is a one of a kind, a one in a million dog, but still, the point stands.)

i'm just kind of catching myself with surprise as i realize the extent to how poorly i perceive myself. at how little i think i deserve. at how little i think i am. at how meaningless, worthless, and insignificant i am. it's almost shocking. and it explains so much.

it explains why i have such a hard time with children, because they don't respect me, because they don't listen, because i can't establish boundaries, and because they trample all over me and only because i seem to let them, i end up avoiding them and resenting them instead of being firm and standing my ground.

it explains why i rarely speak up, why i scurry to the sides, why i nearly jump off the sidewalk when others walk by. somehow, they are more deserving of sidewalk space than i am, and i need to always bow down, always defer, always just get out of the way, an inconvenience that should never be a bother to anyone.

it's why i paid for lorena and DJ's meals, why i became so subservient, why i would pick them up and drop them off at LAX, wash their cars, fill their gas tanks with premium gas. somehow it was enough to be in their presence, somehow, mere proximity was good enough for me. i remember saying something about how marvelous it would be just to touch the hem of their garment. i had elevated them to gods and myself to a worshiper.

i actually remember once crushing on jennifer anniston and wishing i could be her chauffeur or even her loyal dog. just to be there. just to be near her. to protect her, to serve her, but it never occurred to me that i could be loved by her, adored by her, cared for by her.

and i'm realizing now why the loss of jadai has been so devastating.

i have been longing for relationship, true, deep, meaningful, completely accepting relationship my whole life. although my parents met my financial and physical needs, i still felt left out, i often felt ignored and alone, that as long as my basic needs were met, my wants weren't. they wouldn't stop when i wanted to stop on our roadtrips. they wouldn't let me go where i wanted to go in china. they rarely acquiesced to my desires, to my pleading, and then that longing was still there, but long unmet.

i always latched onto some female for comfort, for friendship, for acceptance. i needed someone to watch out for me, to sit with at lunch, to walk through the school hallways with. i remember that there'd be this patch of grass or pavement that my friend group would always sit at during lunch, but on rainy days, when we couldn't meet, i didn't know where anyone was. we would just separately exit our classrooms and i don't know if they found other lunch partners, but i rarely did, and i'd just wander, and go back and forth to the restrooms, and up and down the stairs, just biding my time, because i felt so desperate and alone and embarrassed at my aloneness.

this would explain my fervent attachment to nida (well, a lot of things would), and how my happiest times were when i felt completely seen, accepted, and understood. when i had a group, a support network. this would be when i was in RP class 69 and i had lunch friends, happy hour friends. when grace k and grace y were in their low periods, and i had church friends, after-church friends, concert-friends, drinking buddies, hangout buddies.

my worst moments were when i felt alone, isolated, ignored, forgotten. when grace k and grace y would skip off together and temporarily ignore me. when i'd become their driver and they'd giggle in the backseat, with some inside joke that i couldn't hear. at weddings when people would pair off or get lost dancing, or whatever, i would just wander away and 9 times out of 10, go missing, black out, cry, and then not quite know what happened.

of course in my 30's, my friends started to leave. they got married, they moved, they had kids, they got busy. they were either marrying or dreaming of marriage, and i somehow knew that that was not in my cards, as i fought being a lesbian, or just had to accept that even if i was, i could not embrace it, i could not find a partner, that i'd be so alone.

and then came jadai. beautiful, brilliant jadai. strong in every way i was weak, tall when i was short, fit when i was fat, brave when i was weak. she was so admirable, and she loved me so so much. i could do no wrong. she thought i was so smart, so funny, so capable, and even things i never thought of myself as, such as beautiful, desirable, lovable. she was my best friend, my protector, my confidante, my partner in every way. suddenly, i was never alone. suddenly, i didn't need to scramble or beg people to go places with me, jadai was eager and willing. finally i could book all of those camping spots, i could go fishing and to lakes and to rivers and to hikes because she was so strong and so tall and i felt so safe. finally i had someone to take trips with, vacations with, i had new year's day plans, i had july 4th plans, i suddenly had such a big and loving community/support group in her friends and family, and the biggest fan club because they saw how well i took care of jadai, how kind i was to her, how considerate i was towards her. she thought the world of me, and i felt so confident for the first time. i felt that everything was worth it, that every struggle, every misery, all of the suffering was finally being made up for because this was the gold at the end of the rainbow. had i known it would have come to this, i would have been much less despairing for the majority of my life.

and then, almost just as suddenly as i was everything to her, i became nothing. i was lazy. i was unmotivated. i slept too much. i couldn't run as far or bicycle as long. i wasn't socially aware enough. i was selfish and self-centered. i didn't care about BIPOC or LGBTQIA rights or systemic change, policy change, abolishment of police, decriminalization of almost everything. suddenly i wasn't extraordinary at all. suddenly, i was not even mediocre. i was worthless.

and that's the full circle. i had felt worthless before she came into my life. i felt worthy when she was in my life. and i felt even more worthless once she left.

i'm again starting to creep out of this vast abyss. as much as i'm worshiping her, idolizing her, mis-remembering her to be perfect, this is less a reflection of her own weaknesses or character flaws and more of my convictions regarding my lack of self worth. she was the sun, and she made my life bright, and then when she left i was left in darkness.

i need to remember that jadai is not the sun, and that i am not a faceless void without her.

i somehow need to remember that i have value, even if she doesn't see it in me anymore or remind me of it.

she showed me, for a time, that i was smart, that i was capable, that i was funny, that i was sociable, that i could fit in, that i could be seen and known and accepted, that i could be viewed as attractive, but mostly that i could be desired and even loved.

jadai didn't want to wait for me to become closer to who she wanted by our relationship's end. i wasn't young enough, athletic enough, civic minded enough, brave enough, or ready enough for marriage. and she found someone who was all of those things. i understand in some way that we had deep, far-reaching incompatibilities. i understand (sometimes) that it wouldn't have lasted. and the longer it went on, the more it would hurt, because i'd just have banked so many more good memories, that harder i would have clung to not lose how she made me feel.

i understand that right now, even though i can't quite grasp it or believe it enough to make a difference emotionally. my heart still stings, just tiny little slices of the sharpest knife. this can't last forever. i don't think i could mentally bear it. i'm getting so exhausted. i'm sprouting white hairs. my sighs are getting deeper.

i need as always, to learn self-love, self-care. i cannot seek out a relationship to cure my loneliness, to heal my brokenness, to show me my worth. somehow, someway, i need to claw it out myself.

goals, as usual, as always.

things i'm insecure about: weight, appearance, dress/style how to improve: eat healthily, exercise, shower more often, commit to a skin-regimen, and go shopping occasionally to see what might look good on me. value added to the world how to improve: focus more on what i think i could do to ease the world's suffering, or even some people's suffering. animal shelter volunteering, kits for the homeless, some sort of volunteering for LGBTQIA youth

creative outlet learn more about fishing, excel in it, share it with others write more, and consider writing formally, either in poetry or memoir-form learn more about things in general, read manuals, just improve a few skills

i think i need to work on this twofold: remind myself of my strengths. be aware of and work on my weaknesses. strive for regular and continuous improvement.

ultimately, i need to be at a place where i'm not dependent on some external force for validation. somehow, someway, i need to make this life meaningful and beautiful for me.

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 16, 2024

jinxed again. note: never start thinking that my life might be turning around becuase nine times out of ten, something's waiting to smack me back on my ass.

Recap: Monday, March 4: Watched Thor, worked from home. Tuesday, March 5: walked to chase in the morning to withdraw some money, worked from home, walked to trader joe's to use the last of my gift card and get things like eggs and bananas. Wednesday, March 6: in office day. Thursday, March 7: nothing calendared. probably just worked from home. helena from work kind of spoke harshly from me and it was all i could do not cry until the moment we hung up. Friday, March 8: i thought this was my massage/lunch day with lana, but i guess it was actually for two weeks from today? or it was pushed out? probably i mis-calendared it. but i did check on grace y since she had an appointment regarding some health issues. Saturday, March 9: i though i had lana's birthday dinner thing but that was miscalendared as well so instead went on a little nature walk/hike near jpl with my mom and had lunch at fish king afterward. Sunday, March 10: lana's birthday, so i texted a bit. i think i went to church. Monday, March 11: i think i started to feel a little sad. either the day prior or today i went to my mom's for lunch/dinner and just cried. i could feel myself being irrationally sad and angry and realized it was PMS so tried not to take it too personally. in part of my sadness i reached out to amir about happy hour on tuesday but he didn't really get back to me or share in my enthusiasm and just "liked" my comment and i felt bad and stupid and angry and alone. Tuesday, March 12: i felt the annoyance and anger and irritability full force. when amir texted back to say he'd be at work and i should come down i was too upset and said too bad, the moment had passed. i could just feel my emotions raging. something else had happened with lorena i think monday-tuesday, so i was peeved at her as well, just peeved at everyone and everything. in my noon walk i thought of jadai, as i often do, and i thought of how she would reach out to me, and how i should actually be the last person in the world she should reach out to. with all of her friends and family, her fiance, and now without cooper, so much extra money, that she really shouldn't have come to me for covid tests, to borrow my cooler (and never give back my yeti ice), to ask to borrow my bowflex weights. how she would be the last person in the world i'd ask, how i'd rather buy it myself or just go without, but i wouldn't reach out and drive the distance.

soon after i got home, pissy with these thoughts, jadai, almost telepathically it seemed, reached out, for the first time since she learned about xio, so about four months: "idk your feelings on it, but i feel like it's been way too long!!! i was trying not to reach out for a while, so just wanted to see if it's ok that i do. i'm always hoping you're doing more than well, and all the good things." 1:34 p.m.

this sent me into a true meltdown, full-on sobbing, and anger. it seemed like she was trying to touch base with an old pal she had fallen out of touch with, a summercamp friend, or just someone whose birthday it was and she had temporarily forgotten about them and was like now, omg how are ya? and that made me so sad and mad. she had been on the forefront of my mind for so long, been the center of so much suffering, and for her to just pop up so nonchalantly, so flippantly, and just say hey as if the lack of communication was inadvertent on my part, which of course it wasn't. i had decided not to message her back after her birthday, and was even more assured of it after xio's passing. i texted several people and came to the conclusion, some hours later, to write back "i'd prefer we not communicate," to which she responded: "ah ok. like not communicate at all, ever?" which threw me into another fit of distraughtness because it was so hard to formulate that first message, and i thought it was it, but to have to answer again with some sort of parameters? it's like the suffering just would not cease. after additional hours of tumult, i decided not to respond, because in a sense, i already had, and i didn't know if it was going to be temporary or last until the day i died, but i could not speak as to when i might be able and just didn't want to keep the dialogue going.

the next day was wednesday, and i could feel the emotions just getting worse. i worked, and at some point joyce whispered me into her office and i jokingly whispered if it was a secret, and we jokingly whispered the issue about one of my forms being wrong, and right before i left, i continued the joke for just a bit longer and said, "is there anything else?" to which she responded that she had started a lunch walking group that would be 40 minutes total, 20 minutes out and 20 minutes back, and welcomed me to join. i asked if i'd have enough time for lunch and she said, "just take a longer lunch!" to which i was like oh heck yhea! and at noon she, two others, and i started walking to, through, and around little tokyo, mostly led by her, as i didn't know what path to go to and we chatted a bit, and i pointed out some of my favorite restaurants, etc. as we re-approached the office, it was noted that it had been only 35 minutes and we still had another 5 minutes to walk, so joyce recommended we take one more round around the block, down the street of the building jadai works in, and .... of all the gin joints in the world, as we walked down, me first, i saw her and a friend walking her up, her hair perfectly coiffed, her sunglasses on, smiling, talking, wearing a perfect baby blue suit with a white flowy top, looking loose on her languid figure and instantly we recognized each other, and i saw her pause in her step, and i nodded and waved, said a small "hi", and kept walking, and she smiled and waved and said hi but had that momentary stop as if to talk to me but must've kept walking when i did. almost as soon as she passed, the tears welled up, and at some point i also realized that it was 3/13, our anniversary, that 5 years ago to the day we had met at tony's and decided that that was it, and now here we were, two strangers walking down the sidewalk, almost brushing shoulders, and all i could feel was so much pain. the tears started almost immediately and i was in the office weeping, tears trickling down, and at some point, went to the bathroom to sob in the handicapped stall. how could the universe be so cruel. what were the chances of all of this happening, on that day of all days in the year.

she messaged me again: "hey such crazy timing seeing you just now! Sorry i would've stopped, but didn't know if i should cuz of your text. would you be down to meet up outside real quick or grab a coffee?"

to which i didn't reply but just cried and cried. i had last corresponded that we shouldn't communicate, and here she was, thinking we should, asking me to, in person, no less.

the cruelty was beginning to just be unimaginable and i seriously considered asking to go home for the day because i just felt so terrible and could not stop crying and i had been so proud of myself for not yet openly crying at work and yet here i was.

that was wednesday and today is saturday. i slept for 13 hours yesterday and have been crying on and off since then. it feels like regression. it feels like the first few months of her leaving. it feels so raw and new all over again, and everything has become so triggering. i'm realizing that when i take my walks, i rarely turn left at kenneth anymore and have been turning right, because left was how i walked with jadai. i still get her mail sometimes, but mostly junk mail. the mail man asked about her last week, asking if all jadai mail should be returned to sender and i said it should. whenever i walk by her building or even down that street, i wonder if she's in one of the cars, or in her office and can see me, and how stupid and fat and ugly and lonely i look, and whether she sees me with a mix of pity and regret. i think of her constantly. she has become a recurring dream, and in the last one, even there, i knew we were not together. i am not at rest, even in my sleep.

i need to go as today is lana's birthday dinner and i need to try and not cry for the first time this week. i've been trying to stay away from alcohol because it might induce more crying and then more subsequent regrettable behavior, but i don't know about tonight. i don't know how much longer this can continue. i thought i was out of the storm, but then the storm came back from me. how cruel.

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 4, 2024

Hm, it's been about a week since I last wrote. that's encouraging. this feels regular, somewhat consistent. it usually isn't a good sign when i either write too frequently or too infrequently.

Recap: Monday, February 26: Ended up going to Tam O'Shanter with Patti around 7pm. she kinda loved it. we had some drinks, prime ribs, and shared a sticky toffee cake thing a la mode. i drank a bit too much but it was okay having ubered. should note not to drink white wine though. low key kind of hate it, especially the nausea the next day.

Tuesday, February 27: In office day, and Joyce provided lunch. i think we had sandwiches. i bussed into work and back, and picked up my car. it ended up being a battery issue and he did not seem to acknowledge that i had a windshield wiper fluid issue but whatever.

Wednesday, February 28: can't think of anything. work.

Thursday, February 29: work, and walked over to the local library at lunch to print out my livescan application.

Friday, March 1: pretty busy. Got gas at Costco, had a 9am appointment in Burbank for my livescan for volunteering at the shelter, handwashed my car for about an hour at the coin op car wash in glendale, and then met up with Patti at 11a.m. at my favorite thai massage place, followed by lunch at Night Market Song, then a loop around the silver lake reservoir. it was a nice time, with good conversation, and i left around 3:30pm to avoid traffic.

Saturday, March 2: just slept. all day. watched youtube. didn't do anything. slept some 11-12 hours.

Sunday, March 3: too much. church in the morning, lunch with my mom, descanso gardens with grace y and caroline, then off to long beach for a dinner party at stephen's, including amir, and some others, for a total party of 9. it was pretty fun, and everyone was nice. i felt that amir might've been uncomfortable, but that's likely because he felt out of place being either the only or one of two straight people at the party.

today was a productive day. worked, washed dishes, checked on Thor three times, handwashed a couple items of clothing, took a morning walk and a nice long lunch walk. ate yogurt, granola, and fruit for breakfast, a giant pasta lunch, and then some salad for dinner. balance.

the week ahead: trader joe's for groceries, withdrawing some cash for next week's massages with lana and a haircut for myself sometime this month. a birthday dinner for lana on saturday with 4-5 of her friends, and hopefully church on sunday. i also need to file my taxes and some sort of IRS filing for my little defunct LLC.

i'm lately feeling the need to mature. to think before i speak. to not just be spastic and quirky and undisciplined. i remember when i was in 7-8th grade and i would see the senior girls and think wow, so poised, so elegant, it'll be so neat to be a senior and transform into that. and i didn't. i was still super scruffy, hair messy, clothes unkempt, runny nose, just kinda gross. and now....i'm afraid not much has changed. but it's really time that i grow up. that i stop having to apologize for offending people, that i stop throwing myself impulsively at people who will not have me, at drinking too much, then crying too much, then hiding in shame.

i'm also realizing that lately the thing that i'm most self-conscious about is my appearance, and more recently, my weight. i feel that in general, i would look better thinner/fitter, and that especially clothes would look better on me. even if i saw an item of clothing that i thought looked good on the hanger, or on a model, i know that that will not translate onto me, and it makes me want to avoid shopping, and just in general feeling left out of that whole equation.

in other respects though, things seem to be chugging along. more routines, more structure, more writing, more cleaning, chipping away at the physical messes in my life. i deep-cleaned my car over the weekend and wiped down as much i could of the interior, and it felt like a relief to have that thin layer of dirt cleaned off.

i also bought some aerosol spray so i could clean off my laptops, and just ordered some electronics screen spray so i could clean my monitors as well. i'm just feeling a need and desire to just get to the things that i've been putting off. to get into those corners. to address the seemingly sagging portions of my ceiling, to replace the piping under my kitchen sink, to get a window guy to fix up some of the malfunctioning windows.

in the meantime, i have work and chores during the week, and usually 1-2 social functions on the weekends, one coworking day with danielle a month, and just .... just chugging along i guess.

it still feels like remarkable process though from 6 months or a year ago. i even considered briefly restarting up the self-improvement youtube, but ... who knows. i'll need to take down the videos where i'm just sobbing inconsolably. but even just the whisper of a thought to restart that was interesting to me.

it feels like progress.

[lifewithoutmeds]

February 26, 2024

feeling better, in general, about things, thankfully.

quick ... month's recap: Monday, February 5th: went to visit caroline in the hospital. also met up with grace, her husband, and patrick. grace brought delicious burritos from sonoratown and we chatted with caroline as if things were normal despite the fact that she had had a seizure, was hospitalized, and more recently, we learned that she had a large brain tumor that would likely need removing. i teared up seeing her in the hospital bed, in the hospital gown, but i eventually was able to stop. Tuesday, February 6th: Lorena swung by on the way to work and we chatted and caught up a bit. Later that day i went to a 6:30 showing of Poor Things at the local theater which i didn't love, but am still glad i saw, just to see. Wednesday, February 7th: In the office. It says ... lunch with Lana. what did we eat? Hmm, strangely no idea.

Friday, February 9th: Doctor's appointment, dinner with Lana, as she swung by with fish king poke and salads and we ate a nice healthy protein-filled dinner. then we ubered to Hot Goss in ... Cypress? and we watched Sophie Santos again and some other queer or allied stand up comedians, and it was great. i a bit avoided sophie as i had recently learned that she was in a serious relationship with a very reputable and older director, and so i wanted to stay out of the way, out of respect.

Saturday, February 10th: Matt K came over with some e-waste and we dropped it off in sunland, then went to Barcade to meet up with his friends, and then i rushed home to sprint out again for a speed dating event downtown. traffic and parking was horrible, but i met up with steph, met some nice people, and then we kinda went to town, eating at sushi gen, and then winding up at Eighty-Two, drinking too much, and making a new friend, who in retrospect I don't think i care to keep in touch with. Sunday, February 11th: No church as I was just too tired to do anything. Probably did nothing the whole day and regretted how a few hours of fun at night did not equate the entire waste of the subsequent day. Monday, February 12th: worked from home, then went to CVS to pick up photos of Rafa for grace's surprise visit. Wednesday, February 14th: In office.

Thursday, February 15th to Tuesday, February 20th: a whirlwind of airbnb's, hotels, meeting up with grace, her family, and her friends, antoinette, her family, and her friends. lugging a heavy duffel bag everywhere, taking endless subways and buses, taking my heavy jacket on and off, sweating, then shivering. there was some fun, but more crying, which i'm a bit too tired to get into at the moment and which i've rehashed enough to kind of be over talking about for now. i also watched three episodes of The Curse, and decided to watch it once i got home, even though it meant subscribing to the Paramount Plus channel. Wednesday, February 21st: In office Thursday, February 22nd: Dr. Sobhani appointment at lunch and Kelda afterwork. Dr. Sobhani was rather pleased at my progress so we pushed our next appointment out further than usual. i also felt some progress with kelda and i was calmer than usual, which was nice.

Saturday, February 24th: Just slept, for hours and hours. i think my mom briefly came over with some bread/pastries, and i ate it, chatted a bit, then went back to sleep. i felt a bit bad that i wasn't productive and didn't check off anything on my list, but i also felt that i really needed rest, and that my past week had been super draining and i kind of enjoyed just lounging about, knowing i had no real responsibilities, and zoning out to meaningless things on youtube.

sunday (yesterday), i didn't end up going to church, but a bit at the last minute, hung out with tracy, who is still reeling from the unexpected passing of her mom. she picked me up as i've been having car trouble, we went to Gap outlet in burbank so she could return something, meandered about the mall, did a brief hike nearby, and then got some sugarcane drinks and wandered a bit before she dropped me back off. it was weirdly ... like comfortable, and not stressful. it was ... easy. i think there are so few people i can be like that with. lana. maybe nida. and i guess her, which is weird because we've known each other for just under a year but somehow we're pretty similar and/or she's just so empathetic that she gets me regardless of how different we are. i also watched In the Mood for Love at the local theater at 7 and was struck by how much i still enjoyed it, and how it dragged less than i remembered, how effective the music was, and how gorgeous maggie leung was. new crush. although now she must be in her 50's or 60's.

today is monday, February 26th, and it's been a productive day of dishes, work, dropping my car off at the mechanic's, getting picked up by my mom, and treating her to pho. i just agreed to get dinner with Patti even though i subsequently remembered that i don't have a car, but I do have uber, so i'll just get driven over.

i'm feeling weirdly ... calm. is it the drugs? am i getting exhausted with the sadness? within a week the Sophie storm that had raged through me just as suddenly calmed down. this morning i took a brief walk in the morning as the sun rose, and i think even made my bed almost as soon as i woke up. i've been weighing myself daily and committing to losing a healthy and hopefully attainable 1 pound a week. i bought some apples and i ate one yesterday and one today. i'm trying to get in 1-2 servings of fruit/vegetables a day, and average 10,000 steps/day/week. i walked close to 20,000 steps yesterday, but today was significantly less, partly due to taking my car in during my lunch, and partly due to some random rain that prevented me from going after work.

but in general i feel more calm, less frenzied. i'm journaling, as can be seen, and i watched 1-2 episodes of The Curse each night until i finished it. i read a bit yesterday too and think that i might be able to finish this book by the end of the month, which would be fantastic as I started this in August or September and i've been having so much trouble reading, and just focusing on anything but my own misery in general.

although i'm almost always focused "on myself," i'm trying to just be mindful and intentional with how i spend my time, with my diet, my exercise. i'm trying to decrease screen time, see more shows, and experience things outside of my head, and outside of my condo. i've eaten at a bunch more restaurants and bars so far, so think i'm okay with that aspect, but am thinking now that instead of a bar/week, maybe i could switch it out occasionally with a coffee shop/weekend, and i'll sip some coffee and read a book for 30 minutes or so. and just be. that might be nice.

i'm also cleaning more, and noticing that there are things that could use a deeper cleaning. my flatware. the little dirt trapped around my windows that make it harder to open and close. my laptop. just finding little projects around the condo that make me feel mildly productive but also maddeningly dull.

and i'm remembering .... that i'm feeling more like a former version of myself, but one that i don't find so despicable. yes, i kind of just endlessly scroll for things i might like to buy at REI and random camping goods that once i purchase, i immediately forget, but i'm also enjoying movies again, i'm tracking things, which i weirdly like doing. i'm watching minimalism and frugal living videos instead of police body cameras. i also feel like i'm a bit funnier, a bit lighter, a bit more appreciative.

i'm hoping i'm on a bit of an upswing and this isn't just the minor blip before the inevitable fall. i want to be more disciplined, and feel like the central character in a story, in my story. i don't want to feel ashamed of the way i look, and want to be in a body that i'm proud of, and in clothes that i think flatter me. i want to make sure i get regular haircuts and massages and exercise and just ... all of the things. i want to feel and be healthier.

i think i'm doing a bit of a better job in trying to clean things up in my condo. i got rid of a few bags of e-waste, like jadai's old vacuum and my robot vacuum, some wires, batteries, etc., just things i've wanted to get rid of for a long time. i took some stuff over to goodwill, and to the animal shelter. there's a lot that i've left undone, that i just .... lost the motivation and lacked the wherewithal to address, but i can feel myself gradually starting to care again, noticing things that need repair and/or attention. like getting rid of the old line in my fishing rods, and giving them a rinse as they haven't been used since last june. steven t has been reaching out and updating me on his kids, and wanting me to spend more time with them. grace k's family apparently has lice right now, so can't be socialized with, but once they are, i'd like to see them too. i'm just .... feeling things other than negativity, which is such a relief.

[lifewithoutmeds]

February 4, 2024

felt the craziness set in again, or rather, firm up, like jello overnight.

the day was ok overall. got in a quick walk before it got cold and rainy. did some dishes, some cleaning. ate healthily: bagel and cream cheese (not so healthy), coffee, shrimp/bellpepper stir fry with one cup of rice, a fuji apple, a handful of baby carrots with sour cream, and am waiting for some boiled eggs to cool for my extra protein. i also went to new abbey and only cried a tiny bit but didn't cry this time during the sharing. partly because one lady monopolized the entire sharing time so i really didn't have an opportunity to.

but mostly i was distressed, i was tortured. i'd keep tearing up, unable to stop this torrent of emotion welling out of me. i felt again the way i did as i drove toward porto's the day after lorena went out with reyna for the first time, scream-crying, ashamed at my smallness, at my weakness. i later learned the word "simp," and i saw myself as a simp in every way, the simpiest of all simps, the king of simps.

i remember seeing a youtube video commentary of this poor guy who was clearly infatuated with this streamer, and all she did was insult him and he took it because it was enough that she was putting up with him, enough that she was next to him, enough that they were sharing space, and when everyone reached out to him to sympathize and tell him he deserved better, he actually defended the girl and said they were friends. and everyone felt so bad for him but also, that he was just another lost cause. and sometimes i feel like that last cause.

i messaged her again today. it's been torrentially raining here in socal and i saw that there was rain projected in SF too, which is where she was performing tonight, so i sent a quick, "i hear it's raining in SF. safe travels!" i didn't want to. i thought i could stop myself. but i did, and i thought at the time, "fortune favors the bold," and i thought there'd be no particular harm. if i didn't, i would be tortured that i hadn't tried reaching out again, and if i did, the worst i'd get is a non response or a short one. they'd all be bad but at least i'd know.

there has been no response. it's been several hours and she's been active on ig and even posted a couple stories. she must've gotten a notification that i messaged her but she's refusing to look at my message. it has not been left on read. it has not been read at all. as expected, i am losing my damn mind. tears keep dribbling out in a terribly embarrassing way.

at church, there was a very interesting question that was posed. and it was about authority. how jesus didn't wait for someone well-versed in the law to give him permission or authority to speak. harriet tubman didn't get special permission to go and free a bunch of slaves. neither did rosa parks. but they all decided, within themselves, that they had the authority, and that they had dignity and they didn't need to bow down to another person's authority when it conflicted with their idea of what was right.

the parting question was something like, what area of your life do you feel like you don't have authority, or something like, what could you do in your life if you had the authority ... something like that. i didn't have a chance to speak, but i mulled over this as some other lady spoke in length.

and i thought. every part of my life. i haven't really ever thought i had authority in ... almost any aspect of my life. i didn't have it at home, where i was the only child, and a girl of religious, conservative, strict immigrant parents. i didn't have it at school where i was short, and asian, not white enough to be a part of the whites, but not brown enough to be considered other, to be a part of the conversation of the oppressed, to get financial aid. i wasn't tall, i wasn't white, i wasn't rich, i wasn't athletic. in elementary school i never got picked for any of the softball or kickball teams. we'd sheepishly look at and kick our feet as the team captains would disgustedly say, "you can have the rest," or "we don't want them" and then we'd sort of just split up amongst ourselves and go to the outfield and never get a ball, or when one did approach, mess everything up by kicking it directly into the arms of the opposing team. it usually seemed like we were some sort of liability, that being there was literally worse than not being there at all.

i wasn't the smart kid, the loud kid, the brave kid. i was considered by some to be funny, but typically i'd just be so nervous and anxious that i'd freeze in the company of the popular kids. i was average and mediocre by most societal norms, and in a way i think i was oppressed and repressed to keep it that way. we were the model minority. we lived in the margins. we deferred to authority, we stayed out of everyone's way, we followed the rules, and we "thrived" relatively, because we didn't ruffle any of the feathers of the ruling class, which actually put us at odds with the serving class and we were seen as traitors.

i feel this even now, as an adult. i'm still not tall, white, rich, or attractive. i still move out of the way when someone approaches on the sidewalk. i will divert to another aisle at the market if it means avoiding some sort of awkward interaction. i bow to authority. i am awestruck by beauty. i just sort of snivel and scamper and stay out of everyone's way, and i've rarely felt any volition or ... or right to do anything else. i see myself as somewhat worthless and meaningless, and that my life doesn't matter, my actions don't matter, and ultimately nothing i do is of any consequence at all. i think that's why i steer clear of politics, of taking some sort of strong stance on social issues. i don't think my opinions matter. i don't think anything will change. i don't think my vote, or my signature on a petition, or my presence in a rally, will do anything. i don't think anyone, even those in "power" can change anything. i don't think anything can really be changed. we're just on a pretty set course to annihilation and all of our actions are moot. we just try to ease the suffering, laugh when we can, huddle close, and wait for death, and hope it will not be too bad.

what authority do i have? i guess i can stand up for whatever i think is "right." harriet tubman was a short lady. and she was not white. i don't think she was particularly well-read. but she had her convictions. what are my convictions? can i be brave? can i thwart the powers that i have felt have oppressed me?

i do want to stand up for those who are suffering. particularly LGBTQIA youth and those who feel like they can't come out. that's the only thing i've ever done with any conviction. to come out. it was that or die, and i wanted to live slightly more than i wanted to die, which is why i'm alive now. i want to help younger versions of me so they don't suffer as much as i did.

i also don't like to see physical suffering. i bought a bunch of sandals and washed a bunch of fleece blankets/throws so that i could hand them out to the homeless downtown when i saw them and thought they had a need. i understand there are wars and famines and crises all over the world, but i do not know if i can help. but i'd like to think a blanket will help on a cold day. that sandals are better than being barefoot. i'm thinking of bringing a can of butane after seeing an old asian homeless lady cooking on her little portable stove in her open tent, and figured she could probably use a refill.

i only work in small ways, but maybe because i feel so small myself. i wonder if i could do bigger things if i felt like i was allowed to, if i had the authority to. hm. food for thought.

oh also, i'm having this issue with airbnb where i wrote a review for this kinda asshole host and then airbnb took it down for "violating the terms" by not writing a review that described the situation or some shit, and then i got really indignant, reached out to customer service, and very sternly explained the situation and emphasized that i didn't want any monetary compensation or otherwise, i just wanted my review to stay up because it was accurate and it was true, and taking it down would really negate the whole point of reviews. and weirdly, that indignation, that commitment to fairness and justice and to declaring what was true actually distracted me from the despair over my latest obsession. righteous indignation won out over my sad puppy love. food for thought.

[lifewithoutmeds]

February 3, 2024

It's only been about two and a half weeks since my last entry, which i think is pretty good. i don't like it when i go months without writing, and it's usually concerning if i'm writing daily; i'm usually "going through something" and having a terrible time, so two and a half weeks seems okay, although i think i would prefer at least once a week.

recap: january 14: i did manage to go the new abbey church. again we held hands, again we shared, again i cried, moved by both the sermon and the sharing, and afterward, spoke to the lady next to me who invited me to lunch with some other ladies, but i had to decline as i had made lunch plans with my mom that i'd already postponed a few times. i made my amazon return at whole foods of my broken heater, then had lunch with my mom.

january 15: mlk day, and hence a holiday. i met up with grace k and maddie and we went to the tujunga pond. we didn't catch anything but it was still pretty fun. maddy piled rocks on top of each other, rolled around in the dirt, and got two bites, but the water was super green and gross and i didn't see any fish or signs of fish (besides the two bites.) i think we had in n out afterward and it was really nice hanging out and maddy is in a very cute stage.

january 17: in office day.

january 18: facetime appointment with dr. sobhani who confirmed that i should be taking 300 ml of lamictal, which was comforting because i wasn't sure if it was lamictal or lexapro that i should have been taking. after work i went to paperback brewing in glendale and met up with grace y and caroline and we caught up.

friday was my RDO and i went to lana's and we all went to an airbnb at lake arrowhead. unfortunately there was no promised snow as it had been too warm, but it did rain, and the airbnb was disappointing but i did play with the kids a lot and they did get to do some tubing 30 minutes away on some manmade snow so i think they had fun. however i learned that three days and two nights with a six and three year old is just way too much for me and i don't think i'll propose another multi-day outing until they're a bit older and more independent. still i'm glad i went with them because i had wanted to get closer to the kids. i feel like a fairly absent aunt.

january 22: grace y and i visited caroline at the kaiser on sunset. over the weekend we learned that she had had a very random seizure, blacked out, and was in the hospital. i teared up a tiny bit seeing her in the hospital bed, with a hospital gown, but we tried to cheer her up while listening to what had happened. grace and james brought burritos from sonoratown, and we ate them and they were good. caroline joked that everytime we hung out, something bad would happen to her. after our thai dinner, she unexpectedly had to go to the hospital for an early and difficult multi-day birth, and then after drinks she had a seizure. i knew she was joking but i felt a bit bad.

january 24: in office and afterward went to ktown to help my dad as he has to move again. he had previously asked if he could move in temporarily, and then if he could store stuff in my living room, but he eventually decided to get a storage unit but i stopped by to pick up some stuff that my mom might want, and he also treated me to noshi although we didn't talk much and it was a bit strained.

january 25: coworked with danielle all day, then went to a mexican place afterward and drank very strong margaritas.

january 27: had a VBA's volunteer interview in the morning, then cleaned the condo, and went to celebrate steph's birthday. we picked up rynn, her friend with one leg, and all tried to make it to a planetarium show at griffith, but due to the traffic, lack of parking, and rynn's mobility issues, i had to just drop them off, park at the greek theater, then drive back up to pick them up. afterward we met LD at the little tokyo plaza, had izakaya, steph and i drank way too much sake, i decided to pay the $300 bill, we went to X Lanes to play arcade games, then ended the night back at my place with steph, rynn and i shooting each other with nerf guns until 2.am.

january 28: i awoke feeling very tired and mildly embarrassed at last night's shenanigans and resolved not to drink so much (again.) i lounged around all morning, didn't go to church, but did meet up amy for lunch at bea bea's in burbank. i think i came home and then continued to lounge for the rest of the day.

january 29: pretty uneventful day, worked from home, did some chores, but also felt this weird sense of heaviness as well as impending doom. i don't know why and i couldn't trace it to any particular thought, but i felt nervous and anxious.

january 30: after working from home, had facetime with kelda and for some reason cried the whole time. i think it was cathartic but i know i cried a bit about jadai, and how i felt betrayed by her, and of all the things she loved about me, she must not have, or she just changed, and decided to love all the things about someone else. we discussed how i was watching a lot of youtube videos of people sort of "getting what was due to them," like youtube influencers who would scam their fans, and then get caught, or "entitled karens" who'd get arrested. she figured that it was because i wanted to see the worst of humanity, but this time i concluded that in a sense, i wanted to see justice prevail, i wanted to see humanity right its wrongs, i wanted people to get what was due. and i think a part of that was that i felt wronged, and i felt that what jadai had done and was doing was wrong, and not that i wanted her to get hurt or suffer per se, but i wanted her to sort of be able to see how she was hurting people, how reckless she was, and for something to make her stop.

january 31: in office day and joyce treated us to sonoratown, and i had two tacos and one very spicy bean and cheese burrito.

february 1: i was feeling a bit anxious about having no plans for the weekend. i had felt exhausted by last week's activities and had initially felt relieved that i didn't have so much to do, but the thought of a completely bereft weekend, with no plans, no one to see, and no one to do anything with filled me with panic. tracy was going to see ash's family, lana had a litany of sports with sawyer, and i didn't want to go to long beach/harbor city to hang out with the long beach gaysians. i also felt weirdly distant from lorena and also knowing that she worked weekends, didn't want to reach out to her. randomly amir hit me up and we ended up meeting cesar, first to go to a scary dive bar in arcadia, and then to barney's beanery in pasadena where we ended up having a decent time and heading out around 11pm.

february 2: friday, my RDO. for some reason yesterday or the day before i had decided to go to this one-woman show at the lyric hyperion, partly because it looked well-reviewed, partly because it was at the lyric hyperion in silverlake and not in hollywood or west hollywood, and mostly because i had no other plans. tracy and steph wouldn't/couldn't make it, so even though i had just lounged around allll day, i almost didn't go, but finally did, wearing the same thing that i'd worn all day which was some black joggers and my grey rainier sweatshirt.

oh my gosh, that was the best experience of my life. somehow i got a middle front row seat, just within a few feet of Sophie Santos, and her show was all kinds of wonderful. she was funny, she was vulnerable, i laughed and cried and related so much as she discussed getting off of antidepressants without tapering, being broken up with who she thought was the love of her life, fighting feelings of abandonment and lack of self-worth, but also singing, doing impressions, and at some point, playing the guitar. the BEST part was that she interacted a lot with just me, possibly because i was in the front, or possibly because i was alone, who knows, but there was a part where she talks about her ex wanting space, and then the projections around her showed space, and she suddenly came right up to me, put a battery in my left cupholder which also held my phone, handed me a spaceman disco ball, and told me to shine it on her. i immediately shined it on her face and she quipped, "not right Now!" and everyone laughed. she went on with her show then nodded at me and said "now" and then i held it for her while she finished her song. later on, she smoked an imaginary cigarette and then when her ex's mom came to the imaginary door/house, she ran to me and told me to hold her cigarette. i think i took it like a joint and she quipped again, "have you ever held a cigarette?" and everyone laughed again. during a part where she talked about kind of coming into her own, she unbuttoned her long sleeve blouse/shirt, then threw it to me, and i caught it and just held it the entire time, not knowing what to do, not knowing if i could take it as a souvenir or what. in another bit called "rebound," where she sings about rebounding with whoever, she danced very sultrily up to me, almost like a lap dance, and as she got closer asked, "is this ok?" to which i must've nodded, eyes wide open, in a daze, and she looked straight at me, coyly smiling, just so fucking attractively, and basically gave me a very PG lapdance, before swinging by, sitting next to me, then going back to the stage. i was in love. or infatuation. or whatever. but. i was awestruck. gobsmacked. i had never been so physically and mentally attracted to anyone in my life. i was just stunned as i clung to her shirt.

after the show i waited a bit, and most people streamed out, but a few approached this lady who seemed to be a collaborator/producer type, and i was going to congratulate her on the success of the show, and possibly give her back the shirt so she could return it to sophie, but then sophie herself came out of the curtain and started getting her electronic stuff and i was able to approach her directly and return her shirt and say something like, that was the best show i'd ever seen, and she shot out her hand, shook mine, and said " i'm sophie," and i said "i figured." then i looked around and asked if i could do anything to help, she declined, and i asked if she was going to hang around afterward a bit, and she said she would, so i left.

after i bought a beer, i asked the cashier if i could take one of her flyers, and he said sure, then i walked out, still in a daze. some ladies stood around and said stuff like, "you did great! i'd be so afraid to be in the front, that's why i sit in the back!" and things like that and we chatted a bit before they returned to talking to each other. i eventually asked if they would mind if i could just stand with them, since i felt a bit silly standing by myself, and they said i could, and then some of the production people came out, like the lady who did tech, and her boyfriend, and i said hi and then finally sophie herself came out and i just stared silently for a few minutes before she kinda turned to me and introduced herself again and i said, " i was the lady in the front," (since she had already introduced herself to me and it seemed as if she had forgotten,) but she said, "i know. we had a moment." and i almost died. I ALMOST DIED.

after just a bit, they were like, okay, we're heading out to "blue" or something, and then they all left and i tossed out my remaining beer and went to my car, then to ruby fruit because the night was so anticlimactic, then home.

when i awoke, i felt this kind of ... craze come over me. all i could think of was sophie, and how sultrily she danced, and how attractive she was, and i could feel that old feeling of being obsessed. i followed her on instagram, messaged her about how much i enjoyed the show and compared it to "fleabag," and went through her page and liked about a year's worth of posts. she eventually messaged me back her thanks and for being a "good sport" and i did all i could not to message her back within half a second, and managed to wait about four minutes before i messaged her again. she responded, but with just a pretty short and generic response, which i "liked," or "loved" possibly, then felt all sorts of craziness. just the old sense of heightened feelings, of emotion, of growing obsession. i even teared up a little, scared at the magnitude of my feelings. i bought her book on amazon, i looked up her next shows, i contemplated driving to san franciso to see her sunday show, and i just felt so out of control, i felt myself spiraling, i saw myself following her, trying to get close to her, going to all of her shows, getting her autograph in my book and/or on the flyer.

i saw her dancing sultrily in front of someone else, i felt the stabs of jealousy that she could do to someone else what i felt was so special with me, i imagined her doing this every night with some other girl, i imagined her being gone, touring for weeks at a time, and always assuming she'd cheat on me. i felt my own ordinariness, i felt so small and weak and stupid, that she was so smart and charismatic and charming and yet sexy and funny, just everything, just perfection, and i felt myself idolizing her. i felt myself wanting to just be there, even just marginally, to just watch her from afar, to touch the hem of her shirt, to water her plants and feed her cats while she was out of town, to fill a seat at the table if someone canceled last minute but they'd lose their reservation if they couldn't fill it.

and then i felt again how plain i was, how unextraordinary. i was a cubicle worker living in glendale. i slept 12 hours a day and would just eat nutritionless pasta. i stared at my phone way too much. i had insurance and stuff, but was just so lame.

and then i realized how i was falling into old patterns. suddenly she was the DJ and i was cleaning her apartment, watering her plants, organizing her shelves, just to be proximal to her. she was lorena, and i was obsessively watching her ig, seeing new posts, noticing whenever she removed something or adding something, knowing that if she worked at a restaurant or a bar, i'd figure out her schedule and go every shift just to get a glimpse of her. i felt the spiral. i felt my weakness and her power over me even when she didn't ask for it, even though she was completely unaware of it, even if she wanted nothing to do with it.

i felt nervous, i felt anxious, i kept tearing up, and i just didn't know what to do with myself, just so restless. i'm trying to tell myself: she's a performer. she connects with the crowd. that's her strength, and that's her job. there was nothing special about you. she does this every night with a new person. she didn't follow me back on instagram or invite me out to whatever bar the rest of her group was going. she has 5,000 followers and probably gains another 100 every time she does a performance. she's a star. she wins awards and presents at awards and does workshops. she's made it, and she's only going to go to higher heights and she has already forgotten me even though she's made such an indelible impact on me.

i feel myself going crazy. i'm embarrassed. it feels like regression. i feel stupid and fat and lazy and unimpressive. i thought i was funny but she's exponentially funnier than i am. i feel my lack. i feel like crying constantly. and it makes me feel unhealed. i texted danielle and she reminded me that this has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her and i know this, i know this fully, and i'm tailspinning and i need to get a grip but i feel out of control.

i know this has happened before. adriana, regina, sarah, (ooh that's a lot of names ending in "a",) nida (omg), patricia from portugal, and then shy, DJ, and lorena.

with adriana, nida, patricia, DJ, and lorena, i was convinced, conVINCED that i would never stop pining over them, loving them, etc., but eventually for all of them, i did. some of these obsessions lasted years, decades even, and some faded within 1-2 years, besides wholly and fully believing i never could.

i really need to get a grip. i don't want to tell anyone about my feelings because i know they'll just roll their eyes and go "here we go again." when i told lana about my experience, she said, "and did you buy her dinner and drinks too? that's what you do. i've never seen someone fall in love as fast as you do."and i don't want to expend a ton of energy on this idolization, on another dream, on another chase that i'll never fully realize, when i should be having real relationships with real people, who are at my own level, in my own stupid league.

i'm not feeling so good. all sorts of crazy. a familiar crazy. but i want to work this out faster than the others. i can't keep falling into these patterns of yearning after someone who will never have me. i cannot. i must not.

week ahead: sunday: church hopefully. tuesday: some movie hopefully in my quest to watch more movies. wednesday: in office friday: dr. appointment saturday: nothing set, but hopefully drop off some e-waste looks like a slow week. hopefully i can get in at least a few walks, an episode or two of The Read, finish my book, journal, etc.

[lifewithoutmeds]

January 14, 2024

A new year.

A quick recap of the last month: December 8: went to Universal Studios with Raymond and Amy. It wasn't that fun, but it was something, and it took all day, and I was tired and relieved to go home afterward. Laughed a lot. Amy's fun.

December 10: Shadowed at VBAS. Met two nice volunteers and spent two hours getting blankets and beds for the dogs, and hosing down and scraping poop in the kennels. December 11: Corworked with Danielle. I don't remember the particulars, but it has typically been a routing of me getting there at 7, petting snickers, plugging away at work while chatting with danielle now and then, taking snickers on a nice hour-long walk, ordering chicken and waffles, getting off at 5, then going someplace for happy hour.

December 13: Eemo arrived and after a slight fiasco trying to find her at Union Station, finally got her to my mom's condo, and she stayed for about three weeks.

December 15-16: Hung out with Rhiannon then helped her move some of her bulky items into a storage unit. She treated me to chicken and waffles at Pan's.

December 16: Went to Amy's holiday party where I got too drunk, pushed some people's buttons, then cried and overstayed my welcome, then was overwhelmed with shame for the next few days.

December 17: Went to a performance of Handel's Messiah at Our Lady of the Angels cathedral downtown. It was fine. I was very sleepy and the orchestra and choir were much tinier than I expected, but eemo wanted to watch it and I hope she got her fix. I think afteward we got chinese food at Hong Kong barbecue.

December 18-25th I had off. In that time, I hung out with Caroline and Grace once at Caroline's new place, and hung out with my mom and eemo a lot, including a two night airbnb stay at Joshua Tree and a tramride thing in Palm Springs. We also walked around Palm Springs a bit but it started to rain so we went to our airbnb. They tried Sam's Indian and liked it, and we went to the park and took a little hike, looked at interesting rock formations, got a tiny bit lost, and my mom and aunt did more scrambling than I expected, which was nice. At night, we would play Splendor, watching random Korean videos on Youtube, and sit in the hot tub while looking at the stars. Pretty nice.

December 24 I went to Lana's which was loud and crowded and there ended up being some very uncomfortable drama with my dad and i ended up spending some type just quietly sitting with him as he had been publicly embarrassed and was essentially just hiding by himself afterward.

December 25 we went to church and then my mom's and I think we just ate some leftovers.

December 28 I met Grace H for dinner at tam o shanters, drank a bit too much, went to the bar next door, then somehow drove home.

December 30 eemo came over and we spent some time making mandu. Afterward we went to Lana's for dinner and my mom got overwhelmed at the kids' energy.

December 31: Church with my mom and eemo, then a nice Thai massage with eemo later in the afternoon. Didn't go out, didn't see anyone, and went to sleep early.

Then it was 2024!

January 1: Went to my moms and we had mandu gook, and then I suggested we play Splendor, but for money (just $1/point differential) and they had a ton of fun and me and eemo won money from my mom who is sadly not that good.

Later that day I went to Patti's swank apartment where there was a potluck and a bunch of drinks and I met a bunch of her friends and made a lot of people laugh and exchanged numbers and ig handles with a handful of people and later on Patti said that i was a hit and left with a fanclub, which made me feel nice.

I think on the second and third, after working, I went to my mom's for more Splendor and more money-making. Eemo left the next day.

January 5: Joshua Tree with the Long Beach lesbians! I headed out semi-early and went to Garden Grove where I packed my camping items in two different cars and carpooled with two very nice engaged ladies named Tam and Doris. We got to know each other in the two hour drive and they laughed a lot at my humor which was affirming For the next couple days we had campfires, went to the park and looked at rock formations and scrambled, took photos, and ate really gourmet meals that LD put together. The second night the wind picked up and it started raining, then hailing/sleeting, and Steph and Kim's tent got pretty destroyed so at 4am we ran back and forth putting their bags and blankets either in Kim's trunk or in my little two-person backpacking tent. I then invited Steph to sleep in my tent as she seemed to feel unwelcome in Kim's car, and we uncomfortably tried to sleep when there was too much stuff and her dog slept between us, curled up, and taking up more of the tent space than either of us and I didn't sleep well and was also highly conscious of my snoring and whenever I felt it I would abruptly wake up, try to stop it, and try to turn, but it was hard because of the lack of space and mobility.

In the morning we packed up, said our goodbyes, and the five of us went to Pappy Harriet's for some lunch, drove back to Garden Grove, unpacked my stuff, and I had some pho before I left before going home.

January 8 I had a dentist appointment.

January 9 I met up with Trace for dinner afterwork and she was still in a daze from the sudden death of her mom last month. I tried to have stories and be distracting and also got to briefly see her very cute new apartment.

January 10 I went in to work and got Maruguma Monzo udon with Kelly at lunch, and then had Paste E Pasta with Lorena after work, then Tony's for a beer and a few rounds of ping pong (of which I won all of.)

January 11: Facetime Therapy with Kelda.

January 13 (yesterday): Smog check and quick coin-op car wash in the morning, then Alhambra for Nico's 2nd birthday which had a bouncy house, pinata, and Fosselman's ice cream cake. It went from 11:30am-2:30pm and I left around then, came home, did a few chores, and then met Anjali at 6 where we headed to BCD soon dubu. The wait was about an hour until we finally got to eat. We got into a small tiff about Yelp reviews, and then on the drive home she asked me how I described her to my friends, and when i said "a little insane," she got pretty offended and said that she described me as "funny, considerate, responsible" and a whole lot of other positive things, which made me feel bad, and I think she was pretty offended that i described her as insane, but i tried to play it off like, well if you're my friend and i'm insane, then you're insane. aren't we all a little insane? but i could tell she felt kind of weird. didn't want to get dessert, didn't want to hang out afterward and gave me one word responses upon arriving at home. just "home" and then "g'nite." ugh. this might be weird and i feel slightly compelled to apologize to her, but i do think she's kind of insane. she overthinks, overfeels, is considerate in some ways but also pretty inadvertently inappropriate in others. she thinks pretty highly of herself and when i joked that her outfit was weird she said that she could guarantee that she could still get hit on in the restaurant, which i thought was a weird flex.

the week ahead: sunday: church today, hopefully, and an amazon return to whole foods of a recently-received and non-functioning space heater. then hanging out with my mom a bit for an early dinner. monday: fishing at the local tujunga pond with grace k and maddie tomorrow on MLKJ day. probably also some cleaning, and hopefully a walk, some journaling, and some much needed cleaning/organizing. wednesday: in office, then hopefully tiki bar with raymond after work. thursday: psychiatrist teletherapy where hopefully i can learn whether i've been taking the right dose of lamotrigine. friday-sunday: lake arrowhead airbnb with lana's family. i had bought sleds so the kids could go sledding, but it doesn't look like lake arrowhead has snow right now so i'm a bit bummed and also a bit concerned that there is no real outdoor activity and the kids will be bored and/or drive us crazy with their never-ending energy.

january 25: cowork with Danielle. january 27: VBAs interview january 28: hopefully church, and then brunch with Amy Lee.

RECAP: So far this year has been pretty good, and appreciably better than last year. Maybe the meds are working, or maybe my mind is just tired of being sad and is just trying to balance itself out.

a lot of sad things happened last year. i had my mental breakdown where i cried everyday and had suicide ideation. i was going through lexapro withdrawal and i was always cold. i stopped caring about what i ate, stopped exercising or even walking. there was a point where i would be on my phone 12 hours a day, and on weekends, sleep 12 hours a day. then i got on new meds and experienced rashes and probably other things that i forgot. i learned jadai was engaged and fell into another long bout of despair where there was more crying. i hadn't realized that i had been thinking all along that we would get back together once she figured things out for herself. xio died. antoinette's dad died. tracy's mom died. it just seemed like a year full of sadness, brokenness, and mourning/grieving for things lost.

i'm trying to think about if anything good happened. i did go camping and fishing in bishop with LD and kaelynn. i did make new friends: LD, kaelynn, tracy, and also met the long beach lesbian asian group. my mom got a nice condo within walking distance of my place. somehow my bonds/friendships with my old assessor friends strengthened. i think xio's death really shook us and we had a different sense of time. that we needed to really just do things, and see people if we cared about them, and prioritize things more, mainly relationships. and to make firm plans and not just vague ones. i texted with raymond more, saw steven and his family and even spent nearly an entire day with them and went whale watching. i had lunch with kelly. i coworked with danielle and amir. i feel like i also got closer with lana. we've texted or talked on the phone nearly every day, and at least twice a month, and we finally booked the long awaited airnbnb in a cabin at winter.

the last two weeks have felt better. i have felt more social, and that i'm getting better at socializing. a bit funnier. even more vulnerable, even more honest. i can also feel some old feelings coming back, the old me. i'm cleaning more. i'm organizing. i thought briefly about gardening again. i've been taking walks and listening to The Read again. i made granola for the first time in two years. i re-inventories my bathroom items. i bought windshield wiper fluid and a funnel and watched a youtube video on how to replace it as i've been getting little warning lights about it. i'm writing lists, tracking my finances, making resolutions.

Goals/Resolutions for 2024: Lose 30 pounds. if i just lose 5 lbs a month, even just intermittently, i should be able to attain this. take more walks, track my calories/macros, and even try to build in some intentional exercise. Read at least 10 books. i was doing pretty well last year until may when everything stopped. save at least $10,000. i think this will be fairly easy. i can typically save between $$1,000-$1,500/month, and even up to $2,000/month if i'm particularly frugal, if there aren't any big costly events, and i cut down on eating and drinking out. travel out of state two times. i didn't do this at all last year, but i want to. just to see things. i might visit antoinette. she's been pretty sad and she doesn't plan on visiting LA anytime soon. camp at least 2x. i like it. it refreshes me. and i've already gone once, so this should be pretty simple. i think i'd like at least one beach camping trip and maybe another bishop one, and now i might even have a "group" to go with. international travel at least one time. i should make it a point to leave the country and get my passport stamped. grace h is getting married in mexico, near mexico city, so that might be my one time, but it'd be nice to either go to south america or vietnam. try at least 6 new restaurants/bars. i have a tendency to stick to what i know and like, but i want to expand my horizons. watch at least 2 movies. this should be easy, and i used to love this, but lately i haven't been feeling it. when i was with jadai, we mostly watched the movies she wanted, which were almost always about some sort of social justice or queerness. last year i was able to watch two movies in theaters: past lives and barbie. neither was particularly good but it was nice to be a part of the public discourse. attend at least 4 live events. again, i basically only went to jadai's interests: courtney barnett at the ace theater, the national at the greek theater. so far i already have scheduled three: alanis morissette, sleater-kinney, and fortune fiemster. it should be easy to go to a few comedy events, but if tegan and sara end up touring in the states, i'll definitely go. keane has a tour playing "Hopes and Fears," my favorite album, but by the time i learned about it, there were only nose bleed tickets left and i didn't want to do that.

i want this to be the year where i get things back on track. i want to be healthier physically, emotionally, and mentally. i want to feel some sense of purpose. i want to feel enthusiastic and optimistic about something, anything. i want to spend less time on the phone, playing king's match and tetris.

[lifewithoutmeds]

December 8, 2023

8 days after i last wrote, xio died. i only found out the wednesday before thanksgiving, per danielle, who had heard it earlier per mike m. i didn't want to believe it, and i suspended just a bit of belief, but i cried and cried. it was a dagger to my heart. no, something bigger, something stronger, something more torturous. and i cried and cried and was able to text with danielle a bit about how fucking sad/upsetting/unfair it was.

the next few days i was a bit dead inside, but i still went through all of the necessary motions of life. i had the next day, thursday off, for thanksgiving. i cleaned the place up, and lana and her fam came in the early afternoon with a Whole Foods thanksgiving meal for four, and some ham, and i made my regular green bean casserole and picked up a few pies: one gourmet apple pie pre-ordered from a boutique bakery called Lark in silver lake, and one frozen prepackaged mudd pie from Ralphs. i low key enjoyed the latter more. lana wasn't going up north as she had been for past thanksgivings as zoe had become terrible with long car rides, and didn't want to host another extravaganza, so it was suggested that i host, and invite my mom, but she didn't want to come.

late lunch/early dinner was good, we chatted, we ate, i made a few whiskey sours, tried to help the kids play guitar hero (a bit too advanced for them), played hide and go-seek and some nerf dart guns. it was fun. they're cute. good energy, just ... fun kids. the parents got a bit of a break while i ran around with them, but they left after a few hours, and the kids were sad to leave, and my cold heart warmed just a bit.

i'm not sure what i did that friday. probably chores? cleaned some? i have nothing on my calendar except that at 6pm i went and got a much needed thai massage and as usual, my neck and shoulders were full of knots and tension and i made another note to myself to walk more, stretch more, find some exercises to loosen my muscles up.

saturday morning i met up with kelly for brunch at la grand orange in pasadena, where we split a fish taco plate and a very good pizza. towards the end, we both received the text from matt, formally informing us that xio had passed, peacefully, on the 16th, an obituary, and the memorial and funeral arrangements, as well as links to send flowers, condolences, or memories, etc. i broke down again, and this time kelly joined me and we had an awkward weeping hug before we both pulled away. she said she was glad that we were together when we heard the news and we both talked a bit about her, about how sad this was, how fucking tragic. i had a few minutes to kill afterward so moseyed around the local Goodwill with her before meeting up with jingmai who was home for thanksgiving, and then we made our way to grace k's, where we chatted, drank, caught up, and reflected on high school. i stayed a bit longer after jingmai left and steve and grace bought dinner (delivery) and we ate before i headed out. it was a fully day.

on sunday i had meant to go to church but was pretty tired i guess because i slept instead. i think later on i met up with my mom and we exchanged meals: she got thanksgiving and i got korean food.

monday i worked. probably barely. probably mostly cried, looked at my phone, and laid around. but i agreed to go to the marina the next day to meet up with amir and mike. wait, i just realized that i had written something else, but it was on my other blog. stupid that i have two. ok, somehow i was able to .... switch? effortlessly?

anyhoo, i remember crying, i remember journaling furiously, crying bitterly, about how sad her loss was, how lonely i felt, how pointless and upsetting everything was, and i think i had texted amir at some point, and he called, heard my voice, and unbeknownst to me, turned his car and drove right to me. suddenly there was a loud knocking, and there he was, smiling, phone in hand, and i cried and cried and hugged him and we talked and i felt both grateful that he was there, and also a bit bad because i had been semi-badmouthing him (albeit privately) about him not being there, and ... there he was. so i was conflicted on whether to go to the marina the next day, as wednesday (the following day) would be my in-office day and would therefore have to be awake and alert earlier than usual, but agreed.

oddly enough, i felt myself coming down with something immediately after amir left, woke up several times with a dry and scratchy throat, and woke up on tuesday with maybe only about 10% of a voice. i hemmed and hawed over whether to go as i seemed to be coming down with something, but remembered that i had agreed, and that life was short, precarious, and too unpredictable to always play it safe, so made it down.

in short, we got drunk. i got drunk. we flirted and talked too much with the waitress, we walked to trader joe's and got dessert, i messaged and even called (cringe) the peruvian model we had met the last time we were out, and offered her an ice cream sandwich, which she pleasantly opted out of, being downtown at the moment. then for some reason i met up with lorena at Club Tee Chee (?) and i cried and cried, and then went home.

wednesday i woke up completely voiceless and didn't go into work, and for the next days had absolutely no voice and didn't have to go in-office as i had already met my two in-office days/pay period. for the next few days i went and checked on Thor twice a day, and picked up my neighbor's mail and watered her plants. i think this week i averaged about 11 hours a day of screentime.

friday i had ramen with anjali and then went to her place after and played a couple games.

saturday i met up with the venice CG at tartine in santa monica for brunch. i remained pretty much silent as my voice was inaudible, and gifted kendy some expensive face cream, and matt and alex $50 tartine gift cards as they seemed to really like the place. i opted out of stephen's dinner party due to my sickness and stayed in.

sunday morning i didn't go to church since i was still voiceless and exhibited some minor signs of a cold/flu, and didn't want to be in an enclosed place with many people and hold hands or refrain from holding hands, so i opted out, and then later that day danielle and her friend heidi came over so we could go to xio's memorial, and i cried and cried and saw many assessor friends but was just fucking broken. we then drove back and had some happy hour appetizers and beers at the local BJ's and i saw my favorite waitress but she ignored me per usual.

monday i took off, cleaned a bit, and then danielle came over at about noon and we headed back to rose hills again, this time for the funeral, which started at 1pm. it was so rough. more assessor folk came out and it was a sad reunion and i just couldn't stop myself from breaking down over and over again. we stayed for the entire funeral service, including the lowering of the body, and then the reception of sorts at matt's house where we ate Stonefire grill, sat and talked with assessor folk, and gave her family one last set of tearful hugs. i gave matt a condolence card as well as a check for $200 to help with expenses.

tuesday i worked from home, and at 6 had my facetime therapy with kelda where i cried and cried some more. i came to understand that i have a deep deep fear/anxiety of being alone, of being left out, and that i had many cutting and specific memories of being left out and alone, and that the times i felt the best was when i felt completely known, seen, understood, accepted, and cared for. i always attached myself to a best friend since middle school, and had one for high school, college, and the early 20's, when i considered me, grace y, and grace h the three musketeers of sorts. of course, this was torn asunder when grace y got married and grace h moved to new york and i remember it feeling like a break up, and like an impasse, and i knew, and remember writing, that i had three options: live, grow, evolve, and get better stagnate, and sort of not live, and just kind of die somewhere in between, just a limbo, where i just existed

i think for a long time i thought that the only realistic options for me were the two latter, and i never thought i'd get over her departure, but ... i guess i did.

and then there were the series of crushes: sarah from church, the first girl i matched with on some dating app, portugal girl, BW.

each time, i felt excited, i felt .... alive, i was giddy, i had something to look forward to, someone who knew what was going on in my life, and i had someone to care for, to check in on. and of course each time it was terribly short-lived and one-sided and so upsetting, and then of course there was jadai, who met every need, even the ones i didn't know i had, and of course, upon her departure, i was left feeling even more barren than ever before.

i'm thinking a lot, as i pretty much do when i'm not zoned completely out. i know i need to be okay being by myself, but my happiness only seems to come from being around other people.

i think the way people get pets or raise children, it gives them another chance to look through a new lense, because now we're all old and jaded and sad, and we want to see a puppy grow up and learn new things, and express their identity, and take them for fun adventures, and see their joy. and the same with children and their wide-eyed optimism, to see them experience things and grow up.

i guess it's difficult without these things, without this new lense. i know some people have creative pursuits, and they create, and they see something born and they nurture and develop it until it becomes its own thing, and people meet new people and have adventures that expand their lived experience, but .... i often feel like i don't have any of that. i can only live life and be excited by feeling loved, known, seen, and completely accepted/understood by someone who i love, respect, and find physically attractive. that's where i sadly get my worth, my feeling of .... belonging. i think without that, i really really don't understand anything in my life. i don't understand why i'm here and everything feels sad and foreign and distant.

i'm starting to remember what i was like before jadai, and how i spent my time.

i would: watch tv shows. color. do puzzles. garden. film youtubes. fish. hike with friends. obsessively shop online, mostly on sites like rei. look up places to travel before realizing i have no desire to go. looking for "things to do in ..." and groupons to activities that i don't want to participate in. looking for volunteer opportunities looking for meetup groups of shared interests i realized that i would either not do these things if i had "better" or more "interesting" things to do, or that i would enjoy them exponentially more if i did it with people.

like, i get very little joy out of cooking, but cooking with a loved one is lots of fun. hiking alone seems actually pretty dangerous, and usually the other person is so excited to see scenery, and wants to take pictures, and just gets a kick out of everything while i just stonily walk.

i suppose that i do get some small joy from: walking/hiking listening to podcasts journaling reading cleaning/organizing things

i got a bit anxious about today, my RDO, that time that we all look forward to, realizing that i didn't really have a lot to look forward to in it. i had no plans. people were either working or out and about. and i had ... nothing. my days working and not working are shockingly similar, except i can sleep in without guilt and take a walk at a time other than my lunch hour.

i think i need to start trying to be more mindful and structured again so i don't fall apart as i am so prone to do.

i need to be more disciplined about everything, and take more seriously:

health: exercise, proper food socialization: regular meets up with friends/family rest: self care. hygiene. deliberate relaxation. mental stimulation: reading, journaling, learning a new skill, and learning about bipolar and borderline personality disorder and actively trying to find tools to help me navigate it.

as the end of the year approaches, i need to just .... try harder. when i don't try, i fall apart, and then .... it's so hard to get back up.

[lifewithoutmeds]

November 27, 2023

Wow, it's kind of been a long time since I wrote.

I'm not really sure what's going on, if anything. i "work," but mostly i stay in bed for a long time and stare at my phone. on days i don't drink coffee, i just lounge around, do minimal time-sensitive work, answer a few emails, but mostly just lie down and play games on my phone, scan the news headlines, catch up on celebrity gossip, read stories on divorces and break-ups, and fall asleep to true crime youtube. on weekends i sleep some 12-14 hours when I have nothing planned.

this past weekend was thanksgiving. lana didn't want to host and most of her other family were doing other things, so we decided that i'd host and lana brought over a 4-person thanksgiving meal set from Whole Foods, i orderded and picked up a pie from Lark Bakery, as well as made green bean casserole, and picked up a frozen mudd pie and key lime pie from ralphs.

i cleaned a bit, they came over, we ate, they played around with Guitar Hero, some darts, and various other make-believe games. i was exhausted and then they left.

the next day i took over a plate to my mom for lunch. not sure what else i did, but i did go get a thai massage at 6pm.

on saturday i had brunch with kelly, and we simultaneously got the official news that xio had passed, via a text from. matt as well as a link to her obituary. i had heard it might be true the wednesday prior and cried then, but seeing it from matt broke me differently, and kelly and i cried and hugged each other (shoulder hug).

afterward i walked over to jingmai's where we caught up and had tea, and then we walked over to grace's where we drank a loooot and caught up some more. jingmai eventually left and grace and steven had some korean chicken delivered which i gratefully ate before going home.

then on sunday i just slept for 12-14 hours. just sleeping, waking to eat and go to the bathroom, and back again, in a weird, listless, pointless kind of way. i was annoyed with myself for not being productive, for not attending to the dishes, for not taking a healthy walk, for not eating healthily, and i got a notification that despite my goal of decreasing my screen time from 9.5 to 9 hours, i had actually increased it to 10.5 hours. i should probably try not to fall asleep to it. it might knock off an hour or two hourly.

today i woke up sad and with the feels. i quickly checked my fitbit, and my period is 1 week away. i'm hoping i can chalk it up to that. i felt very sad, very heavy, and just overall sort of overwhelmed with helplessness. i thought a little about jadai, and a lot about xio. i cried more today. i texted danielle and ray and we cried some more. i texted elaine too but didn't cry so much. she seemed strangely unmoved. i'm not sure if there was some weird history there or what.

but today felt sort of .... just emptier than usual, stupider than usual.

i was "productive." i pulled off a sheet to toss out that was getting pretty ratty and the middle was kind of balling up with cotton bits, and would feel rough against my skin. i did three loads of laundry. i did three loads of dishes. i watered plants, checked the mail, texted some people, purchased a tv stand for my mom online. i ate up some things in the fridge. i did more work than i had in some days. and i mean, it was fine i guess? but like, i thought of matt a lot. i thought of how he had worked his way up to be a supervisor, to buy a house, and now he was going home to nothing. to a dog that didn't know where her mom was. like what was the work for? what was it all going toward? he had love, he had adventure, companionship, a partner, and now he doesn't. it was a beautiful love story that we all got to witness, and now he ... he is a widower. how does that make sense? what is it all good for? his promotion, his button down collared shirts.

as i went about, back and forth, getting my laundry to and from the washer and dryer, taking out trash and recycling, it just all felt very stupid. i thought again and again, what is this all for? is it supposed to be fun? we spend so much time just "maintaining," with our routines and our daily necessary habits and eating and sleeping and hygiene and then we need our daily doses of socializing and resting, just sims trying to keep our little statuses in the green.

and i know that somehow it's supposed to work toward something. you work a 9-5 so that you have your evenings and weekends and the occasional 1-2 week vacation. you go to concerts, and celebrations for momentous occasions for friends and family. you buy your gift on amazon and they get their food from costco and porto's, and just on and on while people around us die and suffer and then we eventually suffer and die as well.

there seems to be no meaning, no rhyme or reason to it.

sometimes i think that maybe my life would have more meaning if i could reduce the suffering of others. whether it be via offering food, water, shelter, just some sort of momentary reprieve from life's hardships, but .... say everyone, the whole world's suffering eased some. we all went up two degrees, or we all had the same amount of "suffering" that i would have. then would life be pointless all over again? what if we achieved some sort of radical decrease in overall suffering. then what?

i feel like xio represented some of the best of us. even when she saw the end coming, she was a loving wife, daughter, friend, sister. she took care of and loved her dog. she kept up her sense of wit and humor. she went to concerts, traveled, and did as much as she could until she couldn't. i think she really loved life and she wanted to live so much, that she actually outlived her prognosis/estimate by 3 years. her will to live overpowered her physical illness beyond what people could really fathom.

i don't know what it's all for. i know with jadai, i had comfort. i had security, stability, i felt seen and known and loved. i knew i had a partner to listen to me, to listen to, someone cared about me, and knew the ins and outs of my day, and would follow up with me. only other assessor folk know what's going on with xio. if i tell other friends, they sort of tsk tsk and say they're sorry, but they don't know what she was like, who she was, why this was such a loss. and there are so many things like that. where nobody knows what i'm going through, with how i feel, with the minutiae of my day and how i feel, how i'm affected.

i used to go to amir a lot, but he's fallen off. gyoon has fallen off, and i know she's busy with work, and with family, and trips, and her new best friend julie, and her creative endeavors. amir has somehow gotten over his heartbreak and is back helping out with his family, his church, visiting his friends. we used to text/call each other everyday, but he hasn't called for days now, even when i texted him to do so a few days ago. danielle has consistently been there, texting at least every other day if i don't text the other days. but even she's busy, going to concerts, watching after her dog, hanging out with heidi.

*update Amir just called and i picked up, sobbing. then halfway through our call i heard a loud banging on the door and startled, opened the door. and there he was. amir. i cried afresh.

he ate an unripe persimmon, drank a la croix, and ate some rice, kimchi, and kim, and then headed out to go to mike's for the night. he's such a good friend. i lowkey feel bad that i kindof dismissed him, but as soon as he heard my voice, he diverted, and came right over. what a guy.

i know a lot of this is xio. some of it is PMS. some of it is feeling like i don't have a lot of friends right now. lt is pretty focused on her relationship and will go hours without texting or responding, or just responding in part, and never acknowledging everything else. the venice group has their stuff going on. i feel like antoinette never initiates or keeps up a conversation and just gives me one-word responses. christina d never asks how i am but when i ask, she just bitches forever and ever. everyone's too busy with everything, and i'm feeling disconnected and left out.

hopefully this too shall pass. if the good passes, i'm hoping so will the bad.

[lifewithoutmeds]

October 3, 2023

Haven't written in a while. Positive sign? Who knows.

Recap:

Wednesday, September 20: In office, but Dana wasn't able to make it out to lunch. Some combination of an AABS case going long (WFH) as well as a newly scheduled 2pm meeting meant she wouldn't be coming downtown. Salvaged the day by texting GY who was able to meet me at a local cafe for lunch. It was a breakfast sandwich that wasn't very tasty and was in wild need of hot sauce, but it was good to see her. Thursday, September 21: Coworked with Danielle. pet the doggy, went on walks, talked, probably cried a little, then walked over to get happy hours food and drinks and the vibe and service were terrible but then they forgot to add our last order of drinks so we just said nothing and giggled afterward. Friday, September 22: Had a doctor's appointment that i took off an hour for. kinda told him about what was going on. he had me get an impromptu blood test since i was on a new medication now and i wished i hadn't drunk so much the night before. Oops. later on my mom came by. i don't remember what we did. probably what we always do. eat something. she probably cleaned and washed my dishes and then she would make me watch some random korean show on youtube and i'd make her watch The Office on DVD and we'd both humor each other but not have any fun.

Saturday, September 23: Caroline's baby shower, hosted by her sister. Not particularly memorable. there were alcoholic beverages, which were nice, and then afterward gy and i went to eagle rock for some beers and caught up some. i went home for a quick nap then ubered to west hollywood for Hot Flash, where i met up with kim, her friend steph, and a handful of steph's friend. it was different and interesting, being in a group and not just circulating by myself. i wished i had done a bit more circulating, but it also felt nice to belong. got pizza with them then ubered home, close to 2.

Sunday, September 24: met up my mom for a few local open houses, then i think lunch. maybe ... fish king?

Monday, September 25: Yom Kippur, which normally would have no effect on me but Suzy had it off and we met for lunch in downtown, and i took an extra hour off. we caught up and i cried a little and she hugged me and we said we loved each other and my heart felt full and sad but also mixed with gratitude.

Tuesday, September 26: uncharacteristic in-office day, as the next Tuesday would be Halloween, so i guess ... somehow this would fix things? Don't really recall what happened this day.

Wednesday, September 27: ?

Thursday, September 28: Worked from home, then LT very nicely brought me lunch: my request of In N Out plus my favorite ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins: mint chip. it was really nice to see her. after work i sped off to sawtelle where i met 3/5 of my venice group: kendy, matt, and alex, and we ate at Tsujita Noodles, they brought me cards, and then we had some ice cream next door. We had deep/meaningful conversations, and then i headed home.

Friday, September 29: Amy cancelled on me for a morning hike as her kid had some stomach bug, so i think i just laid around all day until 5ish when Lana and Mirna scooped me up to go to sushi gen. gy met us there, and we ate around 7 some of the best sushi i had in a while, and then we drove over to verdugo bar, where we were met by grace k, her husband steve, amy l, and her pal jenny shin. they all bought me drinks and grace brought a beautiful homemade lemon tart thing and they sang for me and my heart felt full. it was only 8 people including me, but they were some of my favorite people. grace hung out a bit longer and we went to another bar across the street before ubering to our respective homes, where i got home around 2 again.

Saturday, September 30: Woke up at 8:58 and pulled on the clothing off the floor i had worn the night before in time to open the door for my mom who arrived at 9:01 a.m. so we could go to geoffrey's in malibu. without brushing my teeth or washing my face, i ran out and drove us to malibu. it was grey and a little drizzly, but we enjoyed a really nice view, ambiance, and service (but mediocre eggs benedict) before heading back home.

Sunday, October 1: my mom wanted to go to church to express her "gratitude" to God, so we went to lake avenue. i had wanted to go to this progressive, LGBTQ-inclusive church in glendale, but in looking at the photos, the demographic looked very young and i didn't want my mom to feel out of place so we went to Lake instead. it was a solid service, and we went to Sierra Madre for some highly recommended chinese food at a place called: Colette, but it was just okay, and there was this soup that was so bland my mom had to ask for salt and pepper. i probably just laid around the rest of the day.

Monday, October 2: what did i do? worked, i guess? did some dishes. threw out trash. chores. oh, i think i walked to the bank and deposited my mom's very generous birthday gift to me. i had a slight miscommunication with my mom regarding when she'd be coming by (she said wednesday, i thought monday), so she came by today anyway, and brought some rice, and we had dinner of kimchi jigae. she just put an offer on a very nearby condo so we talked about what needed to be done (moving, getting rid of things, etc.) and what it would be like for her to live so close by. oh i also went to the market for the first time in a while.

Tuesday, October 3: today was a pretty productive work day, intermixed with more chores. emails, RAS routing slips, commencement notices, dishes, laundry, floor sweeping, a shower, etc. after work i met caroline and patrick at sanamluang and we chatted and ate for about an hour and a half (their treat.)

this is the longest i've gone without crying. we are at: SEVEN DAYS. also i realized this is the first day in maybe the last month that i didn't text amir or danielle. i have been texting them daily, hourly at times, asking how they are, what they're doing, just desperate for human contact, to feel connected, etc. i've been falling asleep to youtube i think just to hear another voice. i'm sleeping later and later as my eyes dry out and glaze over, obsessively looking for an article that interests me, somewhere i might volunteer at, something i might want to buy, somewhere i might want to go, just desperately reaching, searching, for something to settle on, land on. i'm remembering pre-jadai kristal, and that's ... a lot of unsettledness, a lot of boredom, a lot of trying to figure my way out, to find a reason for being. it feels like two steps forward and three steps back.

oh well. at least i'm not crying, not journaling obsessively, not texting desperately. i guess this is progress.

the week ahead: 10/4/2023: in office day (wednesday) plus the postponed dim sum lunch with dana. 10/5/2023: wfh, but need to clear out my balcony for an inspection. 10/6/2023: taking the day off to take my mom to and from an endoscopy appointment. later that day i will go to costco to get my tires rotated. 10/7/2023: facetime therapy with kelda, then tam o'shanter dinner with Tracy and Ash. 10/8/2023: possibly try out that new church, then host kbbq at my place for lorena and reyna.

i've also been cleaning/tidying bit by bit some more. finally moved my icebox to the garage. finally removed my bbq stuff and camp chair from my car (to the garage.) lugged my rug out of the closet so there'll be room for the camp box to go in once i organize/inventory it. the place feels a tiny bit neater, freeer, cleaner. i'm hoping to get the place in tip-top shape in time for sunday's dinner hosting.

feeling ok today. better than i have in some time. hoping it just goes up from here.

[lifewithoutmeds]

september 19, 2023

6:54 p.m.

the sun's starting to set earlier. it's setting around now, actually, and i'm typing in a fading light. also it's been about 10-20' cooler than it was about a week ago. the high's are in the mid to high 70's, the nights are cool, and i haven't had to turn on the a/c in about a week. i've also been able to go out on a couple lunch walks, which i hadn't previously, partly due to the weather, partly just because of my headspace.

i feel pretty uneasy lately. i know that the weather has something to do with it. as much as i appreciate how it's cooler, something about it kind of fills me with dread and extreme anxiety and sadness. it feels ... foreboding almost. like a blanket of darkness slowly descending, like i should be hiding the kids in some bunker, nervously looking back, hoping it won't catch up to me. it's a bizarre sensation.

i'm also remembering how much of this dissipated when jadai was here. cooler nights meant a blanket set up by the fireplace, and drinks and monopoly deal. it meant nights at shelby's with the dogs, with a movie on, with pumpkin carving and halloween music. now it's back to nothingness, the unsettledness.

week's recap:

thursday, 9/14/2023: went in to work, uncharacteristically on a thursday, due to a quarterly in-person asset management meeting. i worked a lot, as i do on in-office days, and our Pathway Home meeting ran late, until 6:30 p.m., and then joyce wanted a quick recap which took a few extra minutes. i ended up being quite late to dinner with stacy and catherine, but they had been waiting a bit so the food hadn't all been eaten, and i had some drinks and we all gave little recaps on our lives and catherine was so sweet, when i told her about my may mental breakdown, she said i should've reached out to her, and something to the extent of how when there's something ... i dunno, mature? authentic about my honestly in how i was dealing with the crap and sadness that is life, as opposed to pretending all was good. that was kind of nice to hear. i rarely hear anything good about my outtake on life. again though, it was really really good seeing them and i felt lucky to have been included.

friday, 9/15/2023: went fishing with tracy! i was debating this, since i haven't really felt like fishing in a while, it takes all day, and it gets pretty exhausting, but i figured with summer ending, with my few RDO's, and with tracy going back to work soon, there wouldn't be a ton more chances, so i'd go. and i'm really glad i did. we went out for a few hours, and i caught some perch, and got some sandcrabs and set up tracy with some giant sandcrabs with roe, and she got hit with a nice-sized guitarfish, which fought her pretty hard coming in. i was also slammed twice and my line actually snapped off at the hook, so i didn't know what hit it. it was pretty fun, and just nice to be knee deep in the water, with the hypnotic lull of the water, and seeing little things, the birds, an occasional seal. i dunno. it was kinda nice to be out there and kind of nice to reminded that there were still things that a little bit awakened my soul. afterward she was craving gyros, so we went to a place called gyromania which was pretty tasty but had the weirdest and most offputting customer service i've ever experienced. i don't even quite know how to describe it except Weird.

then we went to our respective homes, i rinsed off my legs, and then crashed, staring at my phone until night.

saturday, 9/16/2023: went with my mom to a few more open houses, none of which were impressive, then went out to lunch per usual, this time at house of joy where we got jamppong and tangsooyuk. it was good and we split the tangsooyuk and she took the jamppong leftovers home to mix up later with market noodles. i laid down for the rest of the day and didn't do any chores. just laid there and i started to feel the darkness, the horror slowly start creeping in. randomly lorena came by after work with some leftover sushi and we went to BJ's where we got some wings and beer and sad music was playing and she was showing me photos of a wedding that she and her gf had gone to in big bear the past weekend, and it completely triggered me: the wedding, big bear, i thought of how that would've been a nice place for jadai and me to get married and before i knew it, i was crying again. i eventually got out of it and saw my former waitress crush but she looked different this time and i felt kind of different about her.

sunday, 9/17/2023: absolutely nothing this day. just laid down. ate some leftovers. just nothing. my hand started hurting from holding my phone for so many consecutive hours. i felt anxious, unproductive, lazy, guilty, and also just again that deep dread, this weird anxiety and i finally took a gummy to help me sleep/not feel, and don't remember the rest of the night.

monday, 9/18/2023: had a hard time focusing for work. the day was a bit of a blur. afterward though i went to grace kim's in pasadena. maddy was being very sweet and cute, and steve got together some really delicious smoked/barbecued meat. they also served a salad and mashed potatoes, all fresh, from the farmer's market, all homemade, all really tasty. i also had a few beers and i was very sad and dark and cried a tiny bit. oh also i had a noon psychiatrist appointment and i cried and cried and she said that this was fairly normal for a break up to feel all the things.

tuesday, 9/19/2023: decided to be productive today. took out trash, picked up the mail, watered some plants, did three loads of dishes and three loads of laundry. walked to the bank, deposited a check my dad mailed me for my birthday, and also withdrew $100 in tens so i could pay my weekly work parking fee. talked a bit on the phone with lana, amir, and lorena, which was nice. i took another walk after work and listened to The Read, and i still felt pretty spooked, like just anxiety and dread gripping my soul, and like i had to keep catching my breath and forcing myself to take deep breaths, and i was a little discouraged at the fact that when i did nothing, i felt bad, and even when i did everything "right," i still didn't feel good. i'm hoping this is a passing feeling, as i have to remind myself that my circumstances haven't changed, only my feelings. and i just need to dig myself out, shovelful by shovelful.

looking ahead: wednesday, 9/20/2023: in office day. randomly got re-in touch with dana from the assessor's office, and we're planning on getting dim sum in chinatown for lunch tomorrow. i haven't seen her in forever but i'm very fond of her and we have a really similar sense of humor. she had a baby recently and has apparently been suffering from terrible anxiety, so we might have lots to catch up on.

thursday, 9/21/2023: will be coworking with danielle again in santa clarita valley. this will probably mean hanging out with her dog and going on a few walks, maybe ordering in lunch like last time. i really appreciate her and enjoy her company and i think we benefit from just being near each other to vent about our personal problems and feelings. she's been a really great and consistent friend these years.

friday, 9/22/2023: a short day at work, and will be taking off an hour to go to a midday doctor's appointment. i think i've lost a few pounds since my last visit so that should be good i guess.

saturday, 9/23/2023: caroline's baby shower in the morning, and hot flash in west hollywood at night. looking forward to both. the wholesomeness of the baby shower, and the debauchery of the night. my new friend kim from long beach bought a ticket, and LD might come too, so for once i might actually know other people at the event and not just hang around, desperate to find a friendly face.

again, today was frustrating. i was doing all of the things. dutifully walking back and forth every 45-50 minutes to pick up my laundry, etc., dutifully washing load after load of dishes, counting my calories, taking my walks, and it just felt so ... i dunno, dull? repetitive? and it takes so much to be healthy, it takes so much to feel fulfilled, and it's just so much monotony and drudgery. i need to work and eat healthily and make my bed, and scrub my toilet and take my walks and then take care of my mental health by talking to a friend, journaling, and watching The Office. it just feels like so much for so little. just feeling again, like i can't quite find the point and it's getting tiring, just round and round the wheel.

a part of me thinks that i'll find hope and joy again in a relationship. i'll have a reason to pick up a treat at the bakery and to browse a stationery store so i can write cards, a partner to go bicycling with, and play monopoly deal with on cold nights. someone to plan adventures with, and have plans every weekend. but i also know that as much as i want that, i need to be okay without that. i can't depend that much on anyone. and it's been really hard to figure out why, otherwise. it's so much upkeep with no ultimate purpose or meaning.

i'm finding myself returning to some older patterns: looking for travel deals, asking if i can tag along with others' plans and families. looking for volunteer opportunities. just looking, just ... trying to find something to do, some meaningful way to spend my time. i'm having a hard time feeling good right now, and it's doubly frustrating because i really am actively fighting it.

i ate soondubu for breakfast and lunch today, and had a spinach/fruit smoothie for dinner. i might eat a few carrots with dip later. i was losing weight for a while but a few days of haagen dazs and leftovers had me gaining it back. i'm hoping i could keep it off, and lose more. i want to dress better, and bought a couple shirts online from banana republic, and i somehow calendared a shopping day with lana in a few weeks. i realized that i dress as if i don't care about myself, the world, or how i'm perceived by others, because i don't care about them either. my whole posture is one of not really caring about existence, and i think it's a bit defeatist. i feel invisible, so i act invisible. must work on this.

[lifewithoutmeds]

september 13, 2023

5:26 p.m.

week in review: 9/9/2023: oppah called in the morning and talked to me for an hour and a half. mostly about himself, but he also seemed to be inviting me out to something called "echo park rising," but i declined as i was meeting up with anjali later. at 1:15 my mom swung by and picked me up, and we went to three nearby open houses (condos.) nothing looked good, and it was hot, and afterward we went to fish king where we split a spicy tuna roll. around 6pm, anjali came by, and we went to joon shabu shabu which was pretty good. then we came back to the condo, chatted, and watched three episodes of the office before retiring.

9/10/2023: woke up pretty tired as i think anjali had left around 10 or 10:30 which was late for me. barely was up in time for my 9:05 a.m. pick up by my mom. we went to church, then to roscoe's afterward for lunch. i proposed that we try a new restaurant every time we go to church, and she seemed happy about it. i was in much better spirits than the last time she saw me. we both discussed our desire to get back into church; she wanted to join a choir maybe, and i wanted to plug into some sort of community group, but preferably a similar demographic and not that of Lake Avenue's. on our drive back, she choked up talking about how she had a sense of shame/embarassment from having stayed in the marriage so long, and i choked up too, saying that she left when she had too, when she was strong enough, when she was brave enough, and she shouldn't get upset at herself for not leaving sooner. i compared it to my own coming out, how i couldn't have done it when i was 12 or 13, how i was up against my parents, my church, my society, and i thought that was my life, and i'd just never be happy and i'd just be plagued by suffering until i died. she said she had no idea, and also thanked me, and said something like, "i know why you're saying that and i thank you." i came home pretty exhausted, took about an hour nap, then headed over to rhiannon's for the third time in two months which kind of felt like a lot. we went to go watch this new lesbian high school comedy called Bottoms, which was pretty fun, then we ate some pizza's at BJ's, my treat, as it was her birthday. i came home tired. i think i cried a tiny bit, but this could also have been a product of an upcoming period, evidenced also by the fact that i started each morning by eating a few scoops of haagen dazs coffee ice cream.

9/11-9/12/2023: these days just bled into each other. i was tired all day, barely did any work, and would take long naps during lunch. i didn't do any chores, didn't make my bed, didn't really do anything but stare at my phone and lie down. the only differences between each day was that on monday i met up with tracy, and we went to a new bar called The Fable in eagle rock (which was just ok. strong but not particularly tasty drinks, no food, too dark, and regular clientele that didn't seem to appreciate outsiders,) followed by spitz, which she enjoyed. i had had two strong drinks and was drinking a big beer and got pretty buzzed, and talked a lot, about embarrassing things, shameful things, for which i felt shame the next morning. tuesday after work i went all the way over to century city again, where i met up with patti, alex, and matt, and we ate dumplings at din tai fung and caught up with patti, who was planning on moving back to LA in the next month. she also walked me to my car and i cried as i told her how i'd been. she was incredibly kind, compassionate, and conciliatory, and i felt ... seen. heard. cared for.

9/13/2023: not sure what it was, but i made my bed this morning. delayed my coffee. washed two loads of dishes. took out recycling. took close to an hour walk at lunch. was very productive at work, made two cluster presentations, got good feedback from my bosses, and at the end of the day, SUZY called. i hadn't heard from her in several months (i think we may have met up in a group in january) but she rarely if ever calls me. she asked if i was okay, concerned about an ig story i had posted earlier, and i broke down and started crying again. she was kind and conciliatory and i was so thankful. she also basically forced me to agree to get lunch with her in a week, even though it'd be on a working day for me, but it wasn't for her, and apparently every other day she is busy with the work or the children, so i guess that was the only day that worked for her. it was very good to hear from her and she said she loved me and i remembered that i was loved, that i had friends, that i loved them, and that somehow, in these near-40 years of life, i had forged some really intense, life-long friendships, which also made me cry a little. among the things she said was that she was pretty sure i'd find love again, and that if i had nothing else to hope for, i had that. and that i had gotten to experience love, and learn from it, and ... who knows, something else from it.

i think some of the crying is PMS. but each time i cry, i cry a little less. well this time i cried a LOT, like heaving, hiccuping crying, where i had to hold my breath because i sounded so bad where i couldn't even get out words. but before this crying spell, i went a record 5 days without crying, which was a new record for this month. i should give myself a little credit for that. and even though sometimes the loss of jadai feels so close, at other times, it feels a little more distant, like an echo. i hope it keeps fading and fading with time.

Upcoming Week: 9/14/2023, Thursday: In office, as we'll have an in-person meeting. afterward will be a kind of random dinner with stacy and catherine. rather, they had planned it for themselves, and when i randomly texted stacy, she invited me along. fortunately i'll already be downtown so it won't be too far away. it will be good to see them and another reminder that there are people out there. there's a community. there's support.

9/15/2023, Friday RDO: undecided yet, but may go fishing with Tracy. might go on a hike. might register for the october volunteer registration for the burbank animal shelter.

9/16/2023, Saturday: No plans!

9/17/2023, Sunday: might check out Bread Church, where grace goes in the morning. also plan to meet up with kendy at matt in the afternoon, tentatively 2-5 p.m. after i basically begged them to meet up with me because i liked them and i needed the company and care.

9/18/2023, Monday: noon check in with psychiatrist, and dinner at grace k's. i forget why, but we randomly texted one another last week and she invited me over for dinner and we decided on monday.

i'm really glad i have some social things planned. i need to be around people. my best experiences in life have been with people, and the closer i've felt to them, the better the experience has been. my times with jadai, my trips with antoinette, playing the guitar with lorena, staying in the cabin with my Venice CG. these were the best times, the memorable times, the most treasured times. so as much as i'm being told to go adopt a dog, i think i need to try and connect with people as much as i can.

one of the better things that i'm thinking about the past month is that i've never tried so hard to get out of this. i'm reaching out, i'm researching volunteer opportunities, i'm journaling constantly, i'm looking into a new church, i'm asking for help. i'm trying. i'm remembering who i was pre-jadai, and so far it hasn't been that great honestly, but i'm trying to find whatever impelled me to live for 35 years before i met her. i'm not in my 20's anymore, most of my friends have married/moved away, but they're still there, albeit in smaller doses, and with more planning, etc. but i need to keep trying.

[lifewithoutmeds]

September 8, 2023

5:33 p.m.

today is friday afternoon. it was a working friday and i was at home, where i worked til a bit after 4.

recap of the last few days: tuesday, 9/5/2023: work, then facetime with kelda. i think i forced myself to eat a carrot and some cauliflower. if i recollect, i think i was feeling pretty bad this day. definitely cried on the phone with kelda. i also had a really bad stomachache since the morning, likely from eating so much Gouda and flaming hot cheetos. i was having trouble discerning between heartache or stomachache. wednesday, 9/6/2023: work in the office. i was very productive, took a few walks, and ate a discounted Ralph's salad for lunch. not sure what i did when i came home but was surprised by an unexpected knock on my door around 7 and it turned out to be none other than AT! i was so so glad to see him. i welcomed him in, we chatted a bit, drank a few beers, i rinsed and cut up some cauliflower and carrots for him, and then we went on a walk around the neighborhood where he admired the beautiful houses and one tree in particular that was quite grandiose i suppose. *NO CRYING.

thursday, 9/7/2023: this was a pretty nothing day. i woke up very tired and for some reason decided to eat a bunch of flaming hot cheetos instead of my usual water/hydration, then coffee, then intermittent fasting until about 10 or 11 a.m. so instead i just was very sleepy all day and was barely able to stay awake and finally knocked out a lunch nap, read a bunch of terrible articles on facebook, then knocked out again around 5, then still managed to sleep around 7/8pm, falling asleep to true crime youtube videos (specifically the channel Coffeehouse Crime.) *NO CRYING.

friday, 9/8/2023 (today): i laid in bed a bit longer than usual, but finally dragged myself out and told myself to make the bed to get this day started right. i'm not sure if it was the making of the bed per se, or if it was whatever mentality i had that pushed me to make the bed in the first place, but for whatever the reason, i was ultra-productive today. i did some work, took out the trash and recycling, washed a few loads of dishes, ran the vacuum a couple times, and spent 50 minutes just generally picking up around the condo. i also reached out to lorena and she ended up swinging by with some delicious chirashi and we caught up for a few minutes, which was really nice. resolved to watch the office, read, walk, and journal after work.

SIGNS OF PROGRESS: ENTERTAINMENT: i started watching "The Office" DVD. i was pretty disappointed with the cringey nature of the first couple episodes of the first season, but it's slowly picking up some momentum. i think i've watched maybe 4 episodes now? i try to watch 1-2 a day. as "therapy" per kelda's suggestion. REFRIGERATOR: this has been gross for some time. i had an old can of black beans that spilled at some point that i only half wiped up then it dried up so there's like this weird dry caked dust on one of the shelves. actually it's still there, but i did go through the fridge for a few minutes and took out some pyrex/tupperware containers that have held long-expired foods like a breakfast sausage, some sort of spinach-like banchan, and really gnarly dduk (rice ovalettes.) this left a lot of extra room so i was able to put in all my costco water bottles and consequently, take them off of the floor.

CAMPBOX: this has effectively been right by my door since late May, but i finally opened it up, and went through it a bit. i took out the dishes and things that could benefit from a wash so that i can wash/dry and put back in the bin, so i can actually put the bin away! i will also have to shake out and refold the tent, but then i can put that away too and there will be a clear space by my door.

BEDROOM: i haven't picked up anything from the floor since late may, and so it hasn't been vacuumed at all. so it's pretty gross. everything is covered with dust and the floor has a lot of my hair. again, i can't run the vacuum because there's just so much stuff still in there like random clothing and camping things, so i finally scooped up an armful of clothes that i figured, clean or not, were probably in need of a clean just from lying on the floor for three months. the floor is not 100% clear but is maybe 20% clearER which is PROGRESS.

DESIRE TO PURCHASE THINGS: i bought a bunch of books on amazon earlier this week. most were recommended reading for breakups/heartache, and one was highly recommended by oppah. i also realized that i was running out of writing paper, so i've spent some time looking for 8.5x11 notebook paper and spiral notebooks, and am shocked to find that they're extremely expensive, that is, like $3-$4, whereas an 8x10 notebook literally costs $0.35. very strange. it's such a shame that i would likely prefer to spend 10x more just to get the size paper that i'm used to, but here we are. lastly, i looked into whether there were any concerts i might enjoy from my favorite musicians, namely lana del rey, the xx, and tegan and sara. surprisingly, tegan and sara had just announced that they were going on a short tour around Ontario (Canada) to play one of their older albums in their entirety and i started wondering whether i should go check them out. i hadn't seen them in years, and could make a trip out of it. it'll take a lot of planning and prepping, as they're playing a bunch of shows in neighborhoods that i'm not familiar with, so i'll have to check out each and see capacity, seating arrangements, proximity to airport, etc. but i hope i will go. i remember in 2009 i went to vancouver to see tegan and sara for the first time and i'll sort of be like that again. a person willing to go see things and travel on my own. a person curious about the world.

LOOKING INTO VOLUNTEERING Places I'm considering: Burbank Animal Shelter Los Angeles LGBT Center Downtown Women's Shelter Various Glendale opportunities - senior centers, trail maintenance. On the one hand, i want to review all in terms of schedules, commitment, proximity, etc., but maybe i should just try them all (but one at a time.) like, commit 6 months to one. then 6 months to another. cycle through them within 2 years and then land on something.

i think that since meeting jadai, so much of my energies went into us, our trips, our hobbies, our life with cooper, our social network, date nights, exploring the neighborhood, and of course a lot of her stuff: her family, her social justice causes, etc. there was definitely growth and self-reflection etc., as we worked out our differences, as we learned to be in relationship with each other. and also to be fair we really facilitated each other's interests. i took more interest in composting and gardening and we attended some Smart Gardening or Composting workshop together. i got into boating briefly. and i supported her rock climbing and bicycling. and i loved it all. no regrets. but i think so much of me got lost in us. i was glad, at the time. i was so sick of me. i loved being us. but i think i also have to remember, that i existed before us, and that i could exist again. it had for 36 years. granted, very unhappily most of the time. but. there were moments. few and far between, and seemingly barely worth it most of the time, but apparently enough to get me through.

as she and everyone else has repeatedly told me: i cannot expect to be made happy because of someone else, or for someone else, or just with someone else. somehow, SOMEHOW i need to be enough. somehow, whatever this world offers, and whatever i am, somehow this has to be enough. i've been hoping for some magic pill: an antidepressant, an activity, a relationship, etc., and all have failed. i feel like i need to work 10x as hard to get half as far as someone else, but, i mean, i guess that's just my lot in life? it could be worse. i'm about half way through my life, as i near my 40th birthday. i really should try to curb the constant complaining, the constant comparisons, the always-falling-short.

looking ahead: saturday, 9/9/2023: glendale open house with my mom. she'll be picking me up at 1:15 p.m. she might want to get lunch. anjali will be coming around 5 or 6 and then we'll go get shabu shabu or something afterward. i think the last time we hung out we walked by joon shabu shabu and i mentioned it was good and that we should try it. seems she's remembered that. it'll be good to see my mom and anjali. also i feel there will be enough down time to either nap as needed or get in a few rounds of dishes/vacuum/tidying.

sunday, 9/10/2023: church with my mom in the morning. possibly lunch. then over to the west side. it's rhiannon's bday 9/11 and she's been pretty depressed lately and not wanting to celebrate, which i totally get, but i figured we should try to do something. i think we've landed on a movie in playa vista at 4:45 (Bottoms), and then dinner or dessert afterward. i was just there earlier this week, but hey, a birthday only comes once a year yhea?

now off for a walk, a couple episodes of the office, and hopefully i can get started on a new book. fingers crossed.

[lifewithoutmeds]

September 4, 2023 (part 2)

Just came back from rhiannon's. went to go pick up some ciabatta bread for paninins, and also found some cheese on sale, some vegetables (cauliflower and carrots), and some expiring salads. i had been concerned lately with my lack of vegetables and nutrients (subsiding almost wholly on whatever people brought me: meatloaf, chicken teriyaki, egg bites, gogurt, beef jerky, etc.) and actually had a dream about buying some giant carrots so i knew it was time to get some vegetables. i also got some spinach in the hopes of making like some sort of smoothing and i remember thinking absently that i hadn't been to the market in a while, that i hadn't thought about shopping in a while, that i hadn't thought about nourishment for a while, and wondered if this was the beginning of health, of my rebound.

afterward, i headed over to rhiannon's, where i cried and rambled about jadai for a good hour, and then listened to a bit of rhiannon's ails, and then we played some monopoly deal, splendor, i downed three beers and two truly's, and then we made our paninis before i headed out. it was good to just talk and release and hear another perspective, etc. also she was rather uncharacteristically comforting and empathetic, which i really appreciated.

finally i headed over to the burbank walmart where i was hoping to get some advertised $0.35 cent notebooks so i could write/journal more, but i didn't find any, so i bought some pens and Gulp sandworms instead, attempted to go to the (closed) Costco gas station, then came back home.

i feel a little .... a little like anxious i guess? still a little dread. like i'm having trouble catching my breath. but it was good to be with a friend today, good to be outside of the condo, good just to be outside and wander around a walmart and remember what it was like to be interested in something, to want something, to look for something, to somewhat want to be engaged and involved with the outside world. it wasn't much but for a moment i paused in the camping/fishing section of Walmart and saw that the live bait refrigerator was stocked and i didn't feel absolutely dead inside, so. progress.

[lifewithoutmeds]

September 4, 2023

The last two weeks have been really really rough. i spent the first few days after i found out the notice completely distraught, crying, unable to sleep, and almost unable to eat. just the millions of thoughts coursing through my head, my heart heavy, anxious, filled with dread. so much crying.

the next few weeks were also bad but not quite as bad. in the last week i only found myself crying for like 3-4 days out of the week. most days i'd get a little weepy/tear up, but on good days this would only last a few minutes when i talked about jadai specifically.

friends have really come out of the woodwork to help me out and be with me through this process. some have kinda flaked due to other responsibilities, but others really came through in a big way. i was a bit disappointed with gy and cl because we had planned to meet up, but then gy had a big deadline and cl was exhausted from the first week of school after not working for a year and a half and being heavily pregnant. but i really tried to work it out with journaling, lots of reflecting (some may call it unhealthy obsessive rumination), and talking to whoever would listen. patti scheduled a facetime meeting with me at 6pm on tuesday, august 15, followed by an emergency therapy session with kelda at 7. i was in the office wednesday but just kinda blankly stared at nothing. rather randomly i was called to oppahs, who had some mushrooms for me, and seeing my countenance, he finally asked what was up and i burst into tears and told him. he was oddly conciliatory and had some words of helpful wisdom for me. thursday i accidentally slept through most of my zoom psychiatrist appointment but she called last minute and i was able to give a five minute update on what was going on and i think she upped my prescription to 200 mg which i believe is the "effective dose." later that day alex (venice cg) met me up at a silver lake restaurant and consoled me, listened to me cry, and gave me much needed words of encouragement and wisdom. friday-sunday i drove up to nida's place. typically, she was busy with kids stuff. cooking, cleaning, picking the kids up from school. it was very hot and we went to the zoo which i thought would be funner than it was. we watched a terrible movie, some prequel to Snow White and The Huntsman that i zoned out of and stared at my phone instead. sometimes i played with the kids, mostly braden, who loves attention, and i did get a few minutes of good conversation with nida in which she told me about how she felt after past breakups, and how she felt that compatibility and timing were really important. how if scott hadn't had kids before he wouldn't be as responsible as he was now, which she needed since she needed kids. she reminded me a little of what alex had said, how some people have a story and they want to cast the characters, and they go through a casting list. it felt kind of ... weird to me. to just kind of want someone to fit into their lives to help achieve the trajectory of their own lives. it didn't feel really organic or i guess ... romantic? it felt more like interviewing candidates for a job and trying to see who was the best fit, but ... i guess that's what it kind of is. it can't just be emotion and feelings andn passion and admiration and attraction. ultimately there does need to be a real meeting of time minds in terms of values and direction, hopes and dreams, etc.

on monday i randomly called my mom and inadvertently burst into tears. she was alarmed and came right over, picking me up a salad and a rotisserie chicken from the local sprouts which we ate together. she was so sad seeing me so sad, and said she was so sorry, but she also said that jadai is very likable. it wouldn't just be me who liked her, she was incredibly attracting and her being a lawyer made her more attractive and impressive, even to me. she also talked about how i couldn't compare myself to her athleticism and her desire and ability to participate in really extreme sports, saying that growing up as sick as she was, she wouldn't even dream of those things, but that she just did the best she could, struggling through each day, and she didn't see herself as lazy or unmotivated or selfish. she prided herself on doing the best she could, every day, and that helped me with some perspective.

on tuesday i drove up to santa clarita and coworked with danielle, who lives with her cute labradoodle, which was a bit distracting since she liked to yelp when she wanted attention. it was nice to have someone sharing space, and it would at times start sobbing and she was incredibly helpful, incredibly kind, compassionate, empathetic. we took the dog on a couple walks, ate lunch together (she ordered zankou), and afterward met her friend heidi at a restaurant in newhall where i treated drinks and snacks.

i woke up the next day, feeling strangely better. i just felt kind of refreshed, and a little emptied of sadness. i think the company and just being able to express myself was helpful.

on thursday i had another facetime therapy session with kelda in which she had gone through past notes and reminded me of some of the struggles, the fights, the frustrations i had with jadai and our relationship. she said to remind myself of these times too, and not just on the good times, which were constantly making me sad.

not sure what happened to friday. probably the usual? work, and then lying down and reading stories about break ups, failed marriages, sad celebrity downfalls, and true crime.

saturday amy was supposed to come over and we had all day free (supposedly) but then she said not in the morning, and by the time i texted back in the afternoon she said it was too late. which was disappointing but ended up being just as well, because i ended up meeting lorena and we got massages at my favorite silverlake thai massage place, then went to go get thai food in thai town and it was good food and good company.

sunday i walked to the embassy suites in hilton where i met up amy and her county counsel friend at the pool where i had homemade mimosas and cried a bit about the news. amy was nice and talked a bit about how after her first engagement didn't come to fruition, she ended up training for a marathon for distraction. later that day i met up kendy and matt for burgers and drinks in santa monica, then for a short hike at will rogers, but i had a mild headache from the morning's mimosas and wasn't as sharp as usual, but remember feeling incredibly loved and understood by my friends and wanting to see them more, because they made me feel lifted up, encouraged, seen, in ways that others hadn't.

tuesday was in office with lunch.

i think wednesday was just work, and then thursday i teleworked with amir, who just goofed off all day, was mostly on the phone, while i worked up a storm. we went to costco and picked up california rolls/sushi for lunch, and then came back and ended up hanging out with cesar for a while, drinking beer and wine, and chatting with his wife and kidding around with his cute kid. it was good to be in the company of people and talk about things other than myself actually.

no recollection of thursday, but friday was my RDO and i met up with caroline at a local place for brunch in burbank where i talked and cried and she consoled me and i was reminded of how good a friend was and how we had had some good times, especially traveling.

saturday i picked up jenny unni and went to lana's house for sawyer's bday. the food was good, and julia took me aside to hug me while i cried and said nice things. afterward i went to long beach to hang out with LD and her group of gaysians. the hostess was none other than stacy's cousin! we hung out til maybe 10, with me drinking the whiskey i had brought, and it was nice just chatting with other lesbian asians.

lastly on sunday, amy, ray's wife, came over around 10am and we headed over to switzer falls for a hike. it was about three hours and we talked nonstop, her about her work, her therapy, and me about the break up, etc. it was therapeutic both physically and psychologically, and i think i've found a friend and exercise buddy, and this was the first time i had broken 15,000 steps since maybe may when my first breakdown occurred, and it felt nice to feel so physically drained.

today is monday, labor day. i took a short walk, did some dishes, and did a bit of tidying. even went for a short 17-minute walk while listening to the read, and even managed to smile 1-2 times. i'll be heading out to hang with rhiannon for a bit, so i need to go, but today feels .... not so bad. sometimes the news hits me viscerally, like a punch in the gut, and leaves me gasping for air. other times it feels like a distant memory, still there, but in a distance, and not as painful, a bit far from me, but not drowning me. i hope it gets better. also there's this odd tendency seemingly, of once i write and express how much better i feel, something terrible befalls me and just swipes me off my feet. here's hoping that doesn't happen this time.

[lifewithoutmeds]

august 15, 2023

how quickly the tides change.

on sunday morning, i felt great. i was productive. i had sandwiched in meals and drinks and activities with people who liked me/loved me. i got outside. i felt some degree of hope and like gratitude, that i could feel a way that was not all bad.

sunday at noon amy came by. we hadn't eaten lunch so we decided to go to fish king where i had a totoritto, she had some grilled fish plate, and we split some spicy tuna roll. she was impressed at the quality of the food and i enjoyed the filling yet healthy nature of my meal. we decided it was too hot to go for a long walk so we just took a walk around the block, then came back into the condo where we drank cool drinks and i turned on the a/c. then we got to chatting as we do, and somehow, as usual i guess, we came upon the subject of jadai and how in some ways we were incompatible. i think it had come up that i was talking about compatibility in general, like, if someone likes nature, and someone likes hotels, are they compatible? couldn't one help the other appreciate their given like? couldn't they go to hotels in nature and get to appreciate both? somehow i started talking about jadai then, how in some way, her desires for social justice and radicalism and social change contrasted greatly from my own desires for comfort and peace, for self improvement, frugality, minimalism, for taking care of myself and my small world. but that though we were different, we gained insight into each other's worlds/perspectives.

like i helped her get a better grasp of her finances, had her face and pay bills that needed to be paid, helped her with things like going to the DMV and getting her passport, the little, menial, day-to-day tasks that she despised, and she had me join BLM marches, and watch films about injustice, and see someone speak about writing for queer youth in prisons, things i'd never knew about, cared for, or thought i could take an interest in. but she showed me that it was important to show up and to take an interest. but ultimately, even though it felt like our interests were complementary, she seemed to think they were actually unaligned. i would never be as radical as she was. i thought it could work out that she could do lots of sport activities like long bicycle rides and i'd drop her off and pick her up or watch cooper while she did it, but ultimately she actually wanted me to ride with her. she wanted me to run the marathons and ride the 500 mile AIDS race. it wasn't enough that i was supportive, or that i took care of the logistics side of things. she didn't care about household chores and stuff; she just wanted a partner by her side for all of her activities. i didn't think that was particularly realistic or practical, because Someone needs to take care of the household duties. SOMEONE needs to watch the dog. but yhea in the end it wasn't enough. it wasn't enough that i was on the sidelines. she wanted a co-pilot. so in that way, sometimes people could actually be incompatible.

ok so i didn't tell amy all of that but i mostly said how jadai was much more radical and progressive compared to my rather complacent and passive self, and that that ended up being a pretty bad incompatibility. after talking like this for a bit she asked if i wanted "news." news, i asked? about what? about jadai? she nodded. and suddenly i knew. She's engaged, i asked? and amy nodded. and i was sitting on the sofa and tilted my head back, because it slowed down the flow of tears so they had to gather up in my eyes for a few seconds longer before they poured down my face. amy seemed both concerned and surprised. why was i reacting this way? why did this matter? how did this change anything? and ..... i realized ..... that it changed everything.

it took a while for me to get around to it but the truth was: i was expecting jadai to come back. i thought she had just been disassociating, or was going through something temporary, but i think i thought that she'd come back. i was waiting for her. i was waiting for my life to restart with her return. this time, i'd do things a bit different though. i'd train with her more, do more rock climbing and less fishing. i'd read more of the books and articles she was interested in. we would get married. i remember thinking it would be weird to be without cooper, but we'd figure it out.

but now, that door is truly shut (well, short of the actual wedding i suppose.) but she's made the promise, the commitment. she's said yes to someone else. she will marry someone else. she is in love with someone else who is strong enough, brave enough, willing enough, to marry her when i was unable to. and it feels like such a loss. it feels so final. i was waiting here, quietly, and she actually just kept going, moved on, thrived, got better, grew, found a bigger and better love, and is now going to be married to someone she loves more than she loved me. how is this possible? i thought we were soulmates. i thought we were one in a billion. she saw a card reader and that lady said we were "spiritually married," that it was unique, intense, special. once in a lifetime (maybe those were my words, not hers.) but. less than two years later, how could she be saying that to someone else? i thought distance and time would make her heart grow fonder, as did mine. i thought the more time that went by and the more experiences that were mediocre would just reinforce how great we were together. that's how it had been for me. that's how traveling had been, camping, living, just everything, grayer, sadder, worse. how could her life had just gotten more vibrant and better when i wasn't in it? i thought we were in love, a special one-in-a-million love. when she left, she took the light of my life with her. how could she still burn so bright without me?

have a scheduled call with patti at 6 today and an emergency scheduled facetime with kelda today at 7 so i need to end this post. but needless to say, the past 48 hours have been excruciating. there have been so many thoughts, feelings, surges of memories, outbursts of tears. i am struggling, i am flailing, i am really hurting, and i am very nervous about the road ahead in which there's no more hope of reconciliation. just no more hope in general.