mcjour

[mcjour]

doot doot doot gotta start typing cuz i'm losing my fucking mind

i'm feeling a lot of feelings right now but i never found a healthy way to express my feelings growing up so i kind of feel like i am drowning and exploding and suffocating and bottling it the fuck up as well.

also i am supposed to start my period at any moment now so i am sure that is only amplifying the emotions.

my mom and stepdad have covid. let's stop right there. because i'm sure my mom thinks i'm mad at her for getting sick. if you're reading this, first of all, fuck you for reading my stuff. secondly, i'm not mad about that. because i realize it's just chance that it was you. and unavoidable in this shit society we live in that doesn't take a pandemic seriously.

but i am still pissed about all of the circumstances surrounding it.

first of all, the awful timing of it all. i am due back at school in a week. i am not going to be thrilled if i have to already use up sick days in my first week back!

but more than that, i have been sooo looking forward to going back to school. i fucking love back to school season, first of all!! but i am finally happy and stable with my job for once in my whole life. i am excited to return back to that. not to mention that i missed the beginning of the year last year because i was placed in a different assignment. this is my first time doing kindergarten screenings, my very first first day of kindergarten. i am so excited to do it. a little nervous too of course, but an excited nervous. now that is all up in the air.

just a couple months ago, i had to miss the school concert performance and my birthday because i was sick. those were devastating losses to me. even though life is cyclic and i always have next year. that didn't make me any less sad. i was straight up sobbing in the shower to the point that my mom asked if she needed to call an ambulance.

and i think that is a trigger for me too, getting too excited for things and too happy about things and getting them swiped away in an instant. or getting let down. it's the city year trauma, the birthday trauma, all the trauma.

and i've been trying my best to be careful too. i heard about the spikes. i've been doing outdoor stuff. when i've gone to the movie theater, i've specifically sought out the 9am showings even though it is a pain to get up that early. i've been putting off a target trip for weeks because again, i don't want to get up early to go at a non busy time. i could be doing more and all that, i'm far from perfect. but it is a bit frustrating. especially since i knew i wanted to cool things down before school started to make sure there was no chance of anything!!! and here we are.

and it's also just what a miserable society we live in. because okay, maybe i am safe this time. maybe the week passes and i never end up catching it. okay. well i'm sure it'll go around school in another 2-3 weeks. maybe i'll catch it then. great. so what was the point of all this.

part of me thinks i should just intentionally catch it now and get it overwith. again though, can't guarantee timing and i would hate to miss work over it. and also, duh, covid is not something you play around with. i don't want to intentionally infect myself with something that could actually end up disabling me long term/ forever.

i also spent all of last week at school so i could still have this week off to have fun. blah.

another thing that is bothering me is the germs. generally speaking, i am a major germophobe and i think everyone knows that about me. so i already spend enough time paranoid about catching various illnesses. so this is like bringing it to the next level. because all i can think about is all of the germs swarming around me in the air. i feel like it is inevitable that i will get sick. and here i am, just a sitting duck.

and what really pisses me the fuck off is that they don't seem to care. and i know they do. they are holed up in their bedroom, they are wearing a mask when they have to, etc. so it's not that they don't care.

but..... they are still parading around the house. they are shutting windows. are you absolutely fucking kidding me. i know it's a little chilly at night, but it's still summer. it's not winter. just grab an extra blanket or sweater or something. you talk about claustrophobia? that's how i feel with the same covid air floating around the house.

and i am not sure why you guys need to be walking around the house anyway? i offered to bring food to you. but i guess then you can't cling to your theory about how i am such a selfish and awful daughter.

in what world does it make sense to stand around the kitchen for an hour waiting for the pizza to heat up.

literally i wouldve heated the pizza up for you come the fuck on.

i wish i could move around the house but it doesn't feel safe. because of the windows shutting and the repeated passing through. why would i stay down there. but it doesn't feel safe in my room because it is right next to theirs, so every time they open their door, the trapped covid air must fly straight into my room. okay, maybe not. but to someone who is wildly anxious about germs, it is hard to convince your brain otherwise!!!!!

like this week would be the perfect time to start building my new lego set. however, i can't really do it in my room because i don't have like a table or even a hard surface that i could work at. i usually do all my building of new sets downstairs. well. why the fuck would i do that. downstairs is contaminated.

i don't get it, i'm not the one who is sick, so why am i the one who is most quarantined.

i know i can go outside of the house, but where tf would i go??? first of all, i've obviously had exposure, so i would feel guilt going anywhere. secondly, i'm a homebody as it is. so i'm not exactly going to have fun going out for the sake of getting out of the house.

if you still read that whole thing, again fuck you for reading my private stuff. this isn't a guilt trip. if it was, i would say it to your face. i am just so wildly unhappy right now that i needed to get all my feelings out. i have been sobbing non stop in the next room. you wouldn't know that. you never know.

and that i think pisses me off the most. i wish i had someone i could talk to about this. i have a therapy appointment tomorrow, so susan will definitely be hearing it. but wouldn't it be nice to have an actual mom to talk to. who would hear my worries and not try to spin it into how i am coming after her or guilting her or how she is the true victim in all of this. i'm not saying i have it worse than them. covid is awful and of course i feel bad that they are going through that. but it's always a competition of who has it worst. why can't i also be going through something.

why should i feel selfish about having big emotions about this? this effects more than just you.

[mcjour]

This is me talking through a decision so if you stumble upon this post, keep scrolling, not worth your time lol.

I kinda wanna join the AMC Stubs A-List but kinda don’t.

100% I see how it is an awesome deal and pays for itself almost immediately.

And the timing works out well. Like I would only want a summer subscription I think. It has a 3 month commitment, then if you stop you have to wait 6 months to join again. Okay so basically. I can just do it every summer when I’m on summer break?? I feel a little late to the party this summer though because this is my 3rd week of summer break and I have 6 weeks left. Like ideally if I were to do this next summer, I would start the subscription in June instead of mid July!!

And I 100% need more things to do by myself during summer! And it’s perfect for like an afternoon activity after summer school. And we have gotten sooo much rain this summer and it’s a good rainy day activity.

But idk. I’m not a big movie person! There are truly not a lot of movies I’m dying to see in theaters. Or ever. Like I would absolutely not be the person to watch 3 movies/ week every week. But I am sure I could find the at least 2 per month needed to break even. Even if they are ones that I wouldn’t normally see.

Even this summer, there’s quite a few I’d want to see, but a lot of them are the Disney re-releases and I’m not sure if I can justify going to the movies every two weeks for movies I can watch for nearly free on Disney plus at home. I think I might go a couple times but I’m not sure. And then another movie I want is a $3-$5 older movie so I might as well pay that price lol.

And going to the movies means spending $$$ on snacks!! I know I could always eat beforehand or sneak in snacks myself, but part of the experience is the buttery popcorn and I would want to treat myself at least occasionally. But looking at the website it legit costs $20 just for a popcorn and drink. More than the ticket! Eek.

And I hate driving too. I don’t take the highway, so it’d take me 25-30 minutes instead of 15 to get there. And that’s not a bad drive at all, but like that would definitely keep adding up.

And I have a lot of trouble leaving the house. Intertia, driving anxiety, social anxiety, idk. But I’m just not sure if I can get myself going that often! I already have an amusement park season pass and I’m definitely going to get my money out of it, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was really hard to actually get me out the door!!

There are other movies I am interested in throughout the year, like the upcoming new Disney movies. But they are so far apart that again I can’t justify it.

So I think this summer is a no, but I definitely want to keep it in mind for next summer. Assuming release dates don’t move around too much, there’s already a few movies I would be willing to see, like inside out 2 and despicable me 4. And I’m sure there will be other big summer movies. And they might also run summer movie camp thing again. So I’m sure I will have a thrilling movie summer.

I ended up joining the mid tier premiere level. Which is funny because when I first looked at it I was like wow that is pointless. I changed my mind. It’s $15 for the whole year and it waives the online convenience fees (over $2 per movie.) so I’m like okay I just need to go to 7 movies in the entire year to save some money (not to mention saving money with earned points and stuff). I think that’s more doable for me! I’ve already got my Barbie ticket as the first one. And you know what, if I don’t break even, $15 is a relatively small cost to eat

[mcjour]

i know it’s a little early,  but i am already thinking a little about summer jobs.

first of all, one option is to just take the whole damn summer off and i’m really not opposed to that. but i figure i will get bored and also i figure i need SOME money. 

the most obvious option would be to do what i did last year, which was summer school through the school district i am already working in. it was easy and it was like 4 weeks/ 4 days a week/ 4 hours a day or something. so made a little money and still had afternoons off/ many weeks off. it felt like i had a little summer beforehand and a little summer after because of the spacing between the actual school years. this year maybe less so because of the end of the year getting pushed back but alas.

but i figure why limit myself to that??? there are so many other summer jobs i could consider.

an obvious one is summer camp and idk why that kinda appeals to me. kids would have more fun than they did in summer school, that’s for sure lol.

there are many different types of summer camps i think. the most well known one around here is probably the YMCA one. which doesn’t look too bad. but let’s be real... i hate outdoors. and i can’t swim. so like.... idk. i think a full day outside with kids might just kill me. too much. not much of a “break” at that point. 

I would never ever ever do a sleepover camp, just to be clear, just a day camp.

i think the ymca has options at the ymca itself, which seems a hell of a lot more ereasonable to people like me. or other places have other summer day programs that are indoors. those are more my speed. though again, maybe not a break.

there are other seasonal jobs too. obviously the unable to swim thing means lifeguarding is out. LOL. but something like ice cream scooper is still possible. but i think i would be miserable there too. retail is miserable.

not to mention a lot of summer jobs just do not pay well!!! i’m not busting my ass for minimum wage. 

also a lot of summer jobs are geared towards teens and college students lol so like yes i am still young enough to be a camp counselor but like if all my coworkers are 16 then that’s hella weird.

i know other people my age are more advanced roles like camp director type stuff and all that but 1) i don’t really have the experence for that and 2) ewww that’s way too much work

so i guess i’m back at square one. summer school. and i still had plenty of time to hang out with friends, go places, etc. so not a bad choice by any means....

though i have options even there i guess. last year i did a “gen ed” summer school but there are other ones... MLL summer school, special ed summer school.... so just adding another dimension of indecision. i guess the gen ed stuff makes most sense since that’s what i already do, but special ed might expand my skill set kind of a thing. plus it’s for a longer day/ more weeks, so more money. but i’m not sure i want that for my summer. the bigger break the better?

i guess i have to think of what i want to do with my summer. like, do i want to go on a trip (LOL i doubt it, but like a day trip). is my brother visiting? are my parents renting a beach house? am i buying a season pass to canobie lake? like if i have a lot of plans then maybe i want to opt for the easy summer school. but if i have literally nothing to do maybe i could go for a more demanding job. nah. let’s relax this summer!

clearly i’m not relaxing if i am thinking about it  in february....

[mcjour]

I want to .. apologize is the wrong word. But I feel bad, and feel embarrassed that 95% of the time I talk to (you and x) I seem to be crying. 

I feel like the image I give off is that I am some sort of miserable crybaby that can’t handle anything. And that’s only partly true :P

First of all, I’m not miserable. For the most part, I do enjoy working here. I don’t want to admit to it but sometimes I even like covering! Sure I don’t like the disrespect, but there’s something about being given a little power... muahahaha.

Why am I crying all the time? Trust me, I wish I knew myself. For as long as I remember, I have always just started crying at random stuff and I hate it. It was only a year or two ago that my therapist was like “um you very obviously have complex PTSD” and in the time since have been learning what that means for me. 

Basically the vast majority of the time that I am crying, I am actually crying about something completely unrelated. Like 10-20 years in the past unrelated. So unrelated that it is totally unconscious and even I have no idea why I am crying. All I can assume is that something about the present has triggered something re my PTSD.

You ever find yourself just like watching TV and like crying at something super cheesy and you are like “why on earth am i crying at this?” and then the next day you get your period and are like “ohhhhh”? No? Just me? Oh. Well this is like that for me. Why on earth am I crying at this? Ohhh it’s my PTSD isn’t it...? 

But anyway that means that the vast majority of the time that I am crying, I am not really upset... I’m just confused and trying to reel myself back in. So I’m not having the over-the-top reaction that I appear to be having, if that makes sense. I just get flustered in general, and doubly flustered when crying 

Anyway one of my triggers seems to be talking with authority figures so that’s fun and explains that.

I also want to clarify that the kids have NEVER made me cry. Kids don’t trigger me at all. It’s only ever been the adults that have. So I am not crying everyday or anything

I would even argue that I am great at emotional regulation. I don’t snap at the kids like other people do. I am actually pretty calm most of the time (despite my anxiety... I am OUTWARDLY calm). And besides that, the amount of unseen emotional regulation of my triggers is ... a lot. On the day to day, I am really not letting any of that bubble over. Which is amazing considering how many things can be a trigger.

[mcjour]

That ugly don’t say gay bill keeps weighing on my mind even though I live nowhere near Florida

I’m a queer educator working in an elementary school so it’s just very relevant to me I guess

Like idk. I know nothing like that would ever pass in mass but like i still wish people would talk about it here. Like I would never expect my school to release some kind of statement or some shit, but I still wish my admin would talk to me and tell me they have my back.

Because do they??? Lol. I don’t even know. I think they’re ok with gay but I feel like I push the limits with gender shit. As in, they tolerate me but probably talk shit behind my back (or think it in their heads at the very least). I’m not totally comfy being my full authentic self and I think they’re part of that. Like I wish I knew I had their support.

And even if not the admin then the other educators????

Idk the other teachers at my school are all similar so it’s… something…

It’s just a lot to hear that so many people think so badly about ~people like you~ and that we’re like some creepy people or whatever

[mcjour]

on ptsd

it’s that time of year again!

approaching some ~trauma anniversaries~ namely all the drama at my old job and everything leading up to me getting fired and that aftermath and uhh yeah

last year i couldn’t sleep at all for a month so like it’s no joke

this year luckily i CAN sleep but i feel like garbage 24/7. like my head is spinning and i feel feverish. i take covid tests every now and again to be safe but covid doesn’t last this long LOL plus tests are in rare supply so i can’t afford to just be taking all these tests willy nilly. 

i don’t actually know if the reason i feel so sick all the time is ptsd or not but i can tell myself that hoping that it means there is an end in sight. the other options are general anxiety (which fair) or something very wrong with my body (and i’m not looking to seek out a doctor right now..) or some sort of long covid if i had it without realizing it. soooo.... let’s just hope it’s ptsd

and the other symptoms have started. like nightmares. nightmares nightmares nightmares. i’m never a great sleeper, so it is regular for me to wake up several times a night. so every time i go back to sleep i have another nightmare. so like reliving the same trauma 5 times in a single night....

that kind of fun.

apparently last year i had random bouts of nausea too? i don’t remember that but that makes me feel a little better? i mean that still sucks but maybe there’s my explanation. still though, i feel like it started earlier this year? like a little early to be related? but i guess maybe my other anxiety compounded it? besides also last year i was confused thinking it was starting early too sooo who freaking knows how my brain works

anyway the conundrum i currently am facing is this. what to do about my ptsd at work. for the most part i have been fine! i have been triggered here and there but i recognize it and it’s usually pretty minor and nobody around me has any idea lol.

HOWEVER... i worry that things are only going to get worse as we approach the ~anniversary~ LOL. whether i feel sicker or start losing sleep or what, i can’t imagine the next few weeks are going to be pretty.

not to mention that, but last week we did a super triggering activity for me. i mean it was just a regular 2nd grade activity hahaha but it was very reminiscent of a traumatic activity in my old job. so i was like gulppppp. LOL. and i know there’s another reading coming up this week that is also going to trigger me. hopefully like the other times i will keep my cool LOL but i fear as time goes on it’ll be harder to manage my emotions. 

and then i wonder if there will be days when i just need to take a mental health day. whether it be the day i was fired or the day i was sent to the hospital or valentines even.

so like what. do i tell someone? who??????

like not to have everyone in my business but i feel like i could give the people i immediately work with a heads up to be like heyyyy so yeah don’t be surprised when i am unexplicably super upset for the next MONTH lmaoooo

idk i don’t want to look super dumb though. like knowing i’m getting triggered by silly stuff. which idk how the people i would work with would react to that. not that i could see myself being like “well i will be triggered by this x y z activity” like a) i wouldn’t want that person to feel bad b) i wouldn’t want anyone to feel obligated to change it because of me or c) i wouldn’t want all eyes on me during the activty! 

do i reach out to the assistant principal (or the principal?)? i just don’t know how that works. like i know i call out sick through the assistant principal, so do i give her a heads up that i may be out at a random point in the future (LOL so helpful)

but also just because the admin has been so kinda and supportive to me thusfar like idk i’m sure they would be kind and supportive about that too. although i guess i don’t really know what they could do for me... like is there really a point to telling them if they’re just gonna be like “ok... sorry?” lol

but i also feel like maybe it’s better to cover my ass in advance than afterwards? god forbid something happens, would they rather have known in advance (though once again, what the hell would i be expecting to happen?)

am i just wanting to tell them because i am an oversharer who likes attention and pity LOL??? i’m serious lol like what are my intentions here?? and i don’t have an answer

it’s just that i lost my last job because of my ptsd and that just puts me in an awkward position for this job. i like to think if i had the correct language for the situation that would’ve put me in a better place.... like if i had told them in advance i had PTSD or that the reason i was so fucking out of it was because of PTSD... maybe they would’ve been more sympathetic? granted they were toxic as fuck so i don’t really think that would’ve actually helped.

but on the other hand, disclosing this information kinda makes me a liability uh oh too... so i don’t need to jeopardize my job by oversharing LOL

but idk if i have to step away i don’t want to look bad! a couple weeks ago i felt super nauseaous so i went on a walk and i ran into the assistant principal and i just sat in the teachers room for a little while LOL. only for her to come in and see me in there too! i mean i had explained to her that i felt like garbage so like she didn’t say anything bad to me or anything but i still felt self conscious like “im sitting here instead of doing my job and you saw me 10 min ago or however long ago and i’m still fucking around lol” like i said, she didn’t say anything bad to me and instead even asked me how i was doing later. 

idk i just trust her!!! but i shouldn’t!!! i know better than to trust anyone!! but like i have a little crush on her and she was my secret santa so im like extra giddy but like that may be why im so eager to overshare. 

but also everyone at my school seems to like the admin and say they are helpful and trustworthy so

IDK i don’t talk to admin super often and i feel like the only time i have is when i am complaining about a problem.. they are happy to support me but i don’t want to become like a chronic problem haver if that makes sense.

i also feel like i suck at my job and while it’s true i definitely have areas of growth and am self aware about that, i don’t think i am really that awful. but that’s literally part of my ptsd.... so... LOL

i also feel weird taking up the time when i am not even a teacher so i don’t feel important 

like i feel like it would be easier to email than to try to catch them when they are always so busy... but i also don’t want to put in writing like HEY I AM MENTALLY ILL lol i at least know better than that

idk i think i’ll talk to the people i work with and go from there. i can ask them what they think i should do. and also ask my therapist more than anything lol. idk she’s an adult so she understands professionalism LOL. although i guess therapists don’t usually give you an answer of what to do.

but i’m leaning towards no? unless something siginificant happens to change my mind. or i run into her while on a ptsd walk like the nausea walk. or i guess if i DO have to call out i can explain it then...? like hello i am calling out because i have ptsd!!! LOL i guess even then i don’t need to actually explain though. i mean maybe clarify it’s not covid/ contagious LOL but idk

but i wish it wasn’t this way. i wish there wasn’t weird unspoken rules. i wish i could just ask for support and get it without worry 

like i said i’m an oversharer for sure and i’m trying to work on not doing that and i think i have been doing okay at this job this far. i’m sure i let loose here and there and more with certain people than others but i don’t think anyone really knows much of my real background at this point (unless anyone has gone back and facebook stalked me which is possible lol). 

but i just also don’t mind being open. being open and vulnerable is who i am. i feel super guarded now. i think it’s ~better~ to not dump everything on everyone all the time but it still feels very stunted. it feels very me to just be like hey everyone! i have ptsd! that’s why i’m fucking weird! you know? it doesn’t have to be a secret. i don’t want it to be a shameful secret. i shouldn’t be the one feeling shame over what happened

[mcjour]

my car has been flashing that it needs an oil change and there’s nothing i’d like less to do. i mean, i don’t think anyone enjoys getting their oil changed 

but i have so much social anxiety around the whole thing. where do i go, like where do i put my car while i’m waiting, what do i say, what do i do while i’m waiting, driving my car perfectly onto the place i’m supposed to drive it, etc

i’ve done it before and i hated it then but i did it. but that was in a different location. 

i just hate going to any new location and having to learn the rules. like ordering food places and going to stores and stuff.

my anxiety capacity is pretty full at this moment. it’s a shit time of year for my ptsd. plus there’s the whole working in the public during a surge of a global pandemic. etc etc. i’m on empty. negative even. so i don’t have the ability to drive down to valvoline at this point.

so i did what i felt was a reasonable solution to me. i asked my mom and stepdad to do it for me. but offered a trade. i will pay them to go. or i will wash the cat’s poop out of her mat. or whatever. some combo of things. name your price.

i thought that would make it clear how serious i was that i just could not get my oil changed right now

but they are like you need to do it for yourself, what would you do if we werent around, you can’t just not talk to people, etc

which i get

but like!!!!!!!!! i am asking for help!!!!!!!!  and i am desperate!! 

and maybe you think you aren’t enabling my anxiety or some shit but that’s not what’s going to happen. what’s going to happen is that my oil is just not going to be changed. so. you’re not helping me snap out of my anxiety or whatever (as if it were that simple lol), it’s only going to ensure my car gets fucked up faster.

like it’s not like i’m gonna shrug my shoulders, oh well, i guess i’m not anxious anymore

you two are retired so like i knoooow you can make a pokemon trip out of it

and i hate it because i’m getting so so upset about this and it’s such a stupid thing to be upste about. apparently my period is coming up LOL. but it’s also like these emotions are coming from somewhere if i can’t even think about getting my oil changed without bursting into tears so why don’t you just help me jfc.

[mcjour]

Ok. So. I’m talking with my friends later and need to get it all out here first. I just have so many conflicting feelings about the drama and don’t want to come across as an asshole. I wish I could talk to my therapist about it but it’s not an urgent thing so I don’t want to be like I NEED YOU. Especially now that it’s the weekend (although apparently she works some weekends? anyway..)

So what happened was that M messaged us to ask if we wanted to do a movie night this weekend. The answer in my head was no. I had been feeling super sick that day and have been feeling so off for weeks so I couldn’t imagine committing to that. Not to mention there are more covid cases than ever before so no offense but I am not looking to hang out with anyone in person. And some of my friends have been more lax than I am personally comfortable with. And because of the rise in cases, work has been crazier than ever (so many people out means so many people covering, buses coming super late, etc) so I really just do not have the energy to do anything. And so I told her most of that. I mean I didn’t say oh some of you are lax LOL. But I was like listen I just don’t have the energy because of work, and besides, I don’t want to expose you guys to little hundreds of little kid germs. I would be down for virtual movie night though (which honestly was iffy, I didn’t really even have the energy for that, but I felt like it was a compromise!) 

Maybe an hour after I responded to her, she sent a message to the group saying that she has been feeling frustrated and hurt because she is giving way more to the group than we are giving to her. She is usually the one who makes the plans in the group. Plans quickly default to virtual and excuses are more common than interest. She is hurt we don’t want to do things together and she feels worthless as a friend. And she has been feeling that for a while. 

I was taken aback by that message. It felt directed right at me since I had just messaged an hour before. I felt attacked and hurt. I didn’t think that I had did anything wrong! 

It doesn’t help that my body holds so much trauma that it doesn’t know how to react normally to feedback. So I straight up felt like I had fever and chills over this message. To the point that I thought I might have covid (because I had felt so sick already that day (nausea) so I was like ok maybe this is the next symptom hitting me) (and of course I couldn’t figure out the thermometer correctly so it was telling me everything from 97 to 101.4 and so I’m like yikes). So I literally took a covid test before work the next morning. LMAO because the fever wasn’t real (I was putting the thing in my ear wrong). I don’t blame my friend for this, like feedback is still important and all that, but jeez did that take me on a wild ride! 

(for the record lol i did not have covid. just anxiety i guess).

And I feel bad because there is definitely some truth to what she is saying. She is the one who makes the bulk of the group plans. And she has said before that that bothers her because that is a lot of work. So like I totally want to validate that.

But maybe this is the part that makes me an asshole but like.. I don’t know how to word it. But like.... I don’t want to take that on. By that I mean, she is constantly trying to make plans. More plans than I would ever make on my own. Like idk. I’m not trying to make plans because she already made the plans. Or because it feels like we JUST made plans the week before so I’m not itching to make plans again right after. That sort of thing. Idk. I’m so so so introverted. Like I could go days without speaking to a single person and wouldn’t think anything of it. So I’m not exactly jumping at the chance to make any more plans than we already have. 

and i mean, i do try to help. like we joke that as a friend group we can never choose a restaurant. but like i have always tried to give my input instead of just sitting back and letting others choose and things like that.

Maybe she needs to make room for us. But I worry that if she steps back, maybe no plans will be made. Or it might feel that way to her. 

I wonder if maybe we just have incompatible energies as a group. Like she needs more than we are able to give her. like maybe she is an extrovert or somehting.

I think there are also different kinds of work that can be put into a friend group. Yes she is the planner, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are dead weight lol. Like I feel like I am someone who texts the group a lot with stories and pictures. Is that not putting work into the group? And not everyone always replies to the things I send but I don’t really get upset over it because I know my friends are busy with different schedules and not everyone will have something to say about every little meme anyway lol. 

Also, again, not to be an asshole, but just being in a friend group at all is a lot of work for me. What I mean by that is because of all of my many traumas growing up, I have such a hard time with relationships, attachment, etc. The fact that I am regularly contacting, meeting up with, etc this group is actually kind of amazing lol. I might argue that the amount of work, energy, etc that I am putting into this relationship is just as much as her. It’s just  invisible. (also: they all live in my hometown that i no longer live in so they only need to drive like 5 min to each other’s houses and it takes me like 35 min which don’t get me wrong, isn’t too much and i’m happy to do it, but again, not everything is equal!)

There’s no way to say that without being an asshole though. One is that it lies upon the assumptions that she doesn’t have these traumas and while I am almost 100% sure she doesn’t, that really isn’t a fair assumption to make. But also like it’s okay for her to want more than me just showing up. I recognize that. So I don’t want to be there like “well, actually” because like I said, assholeish. But I just take issue with saying there’s no effort at all.

Another part that fucks me up is her saying “excuses” because when people communicate that they don’t want to hear excuses, it makes me feel like they are just closed off and not open to hearing any explanation. So what’s the point in having the discussion at all lol. But also... at what point did any of us make “excuses”? I think all of us gave a normal explanation for not being able to.

Like I said, no, I’m exhausted, plus covid. But was open to virtual. I’m not sure of my other friends exact messages. I know L didn’t even know if she was going to be in the state that day lol. Plus covid. And then J has been super exhausted the past few months because his boyfriend literally DIED a couple months ago. So I’ve noticed a pattern of him now saying he has been too exhausted after work and that it started around his death. So I was like of course, makes so much sense to me! Take care of yourself! So it honestly kinda makes me upset that M is saying we are making excuses or whatever. Like HUH??? Why would you be upset at a friend who is grieving for not making enough time for you??? unless he is excluded from this and it’s supposed to only be about me or L???? 

Anyway we all wrote our little responses out. I said I’m sorry she has been feeling this way and I recognize we could be doing more to support her. Any tme I have ever ducked out of plans it was only because of whatever I was going through and not becuase of any of them. 

And she responded back to me privately. That I always show up and rarely miss out on plans and that she appreciates that I recognize the work she puts in. and basically she sees the effort I put in. So it was a very nice message so that jsut confused me more??? 

because the first message seemed so nasty for lack of a better word. so like who the hell was it directed to???? 

i mean, ok, it was just a venting i am sure, but like obviously it was in response to SOMETHING? like what did we do to set her off like that?

and i mean she said it was something building up over time so like it makes sense that it felt like an overreaction kinda. but i’m still confused how saying we were tired and nervous about covid makes her feel worthless.

which brings me to the next point which is that i have so so much trouble advocating for myself. there have been plenty of times that i went along with plans that i didn’t want to do for fear of letting my friends down. nothing serious, but just when i would’ve rather just stayed in bed or something because i just didn’t have the energy. or even when i got my booster shot and felt like shit but went along anyway. i recognize this as totally a me problem and can add it to my long list of things to work on in therapy LOL.

but the timing of this really sucked. it took me a while to craft that message to her about why i didn’t want to do movie night and how to word it exactly so it was falling on me (ie I don’t want to expose you to my germs instead of how I didn’t want to be exposed to THEIRS (I mean it was both)). but like i just couldn’t justify going. and i even came up with the compromise of doing virtual instead. i was finally advocating for myself, even if i was only doing it halfway (by that i mean i didn’t want to do virtual movie night either but figured i could handle at least that). 

So this is what happens the one time I advocate for myself lol. 

i mean, i know it is just bad timing more than anything. but this doesn’t exactly make me want to advocate for myself in the future either. if the one time i am like hmm maybe lets do virtual because im tired, it makes my friend feel worthless?

Also i think we are just all on different covid comfort levels which i thought was something we were all kinda on the same page about? And I’ve pushed myself for them too. I wasn’t necessarily comfortable eating in restaurants but I did it anyway. The thing is that I was already a major germophobe before the pandemic because I have debilitating emetophobia. So if I already had a debilitating phobia related to germs before a global pandemic then you can only imagine how much it would have exponentially grown in the past couple years. I am terrified working in an elementary school. I couldn’t imagine having any other job, but that doesn’t take away from how much fear my body carries every day. It has gotten to the point that I am feeling physically ill nearly everyday (hence the nausea I spoke about earlier). I am hoping when the cases start trending downwards I will start feeling a little better. Oh and my mom is also an anxious wreck so I worry about catching it and passing it to her at home. Just a little more anxiety on that. So like... if I say that I am too uncomfortable to meet up, that really has little to nothing to do with my friends!  So I guess I was shocked that she was taking that as having no interest in her. Because I thought everyone knew I was an anxious germophobic wreck long before covid. Unless she is upset that I am going to a much more dangerous workplace and then declining to see friends? Well that’s capitalism baby.

I never responded to her private message which maybe was an asshole thing to do again but I was already asleep or in bed by the time she sent the message and then in the morning I am too crunched for time to be able to sit and write a thoughtful response and then I have work and then yeah yeah the list goes on. And so I think that probably does make me an asshole and maybe even demonstrating what she was trying to say but like i don’t even care anymore. i’m running on empty. i don’t know what else i can really say before tonight anyway

we’re speaking later today about all of it as a group so whatever. i’m just nervous because i cry easily and i’m not looking to cry about this and make a scene lol. i’m hoping typing this out helped straighten out my thoughts to make the communication easier and also to hopefully take a little emotion out of it.

it’s just going to be so awkward

[mcjour]

I really thought/ really hoped that having a new job would help me get over my old job

i mean....... ok i didn’t expect progress in the first week or anything so i guess it’s too early to say anything about anything

but

i’ve been having ptsd nightmares!!! hooray! and i can tell the difference between ptsd nightmares and regular nightmares by how they fucking drain the life out of my body LOL

so anyway yeah

but my nightmares have mutated! to be about my new job instead of my old one

the first one was about my new assistant principal. idk why that lady makes me so uncomfortable in real life LOL but she does. maybe that’s why she was the main character in the dream lol. anyway she was tellin me (in the dream) that if any kid said anything mean to me i would be suspended for 1-3 days and im like huh why would i be the one suspended? but she reiterated it and i’m like ok but that’s not fair because the kids at my old job called me ugly all the time totally unprompted lol. and she was like yep and you’d be suspended. 

so yeahhhhhhhhhh guess i’m dreaming about unfair consequences and getting fired.......

then last night i had a dream that there was like a weeklong overnight activity for maybe the 8th graders? that took place in the school itself. and i found out late that i was supposed to be a part of it? so i was trying to like argue for accommodations that i should be able to go home to sleep at my house because i live 30 seconds away lol. honestly i don’t remember much of this dream because a lot of it was me looking for a bathroom because i had to pee in real life LOL. but it was very clearly a direct connection to the overnight retreat at my old job. i think there may have been people from my old job in this dream too but like i said i don’t really remember for sure

so yeah like if i ever doubted i had ptsd from the old job... l m a o

can’t wait to tell my therapist lol

[mcjour]

ok. covid.

thankfully i live in a state that is requiring masks in schools. though my district did mandate it before the state. the kids are pretty good about it. some of them need to be told to pull up their mask, but they’re pretty agreeable about it... (at least in the class ive been in lol... i did meet an anti mask kid elsewhere in the school)

so i feel ~safer~ but i still think it’s not great.

especially since i work closely with an anti mask lady who lets kids take mask breaks in our room all the time ugh

the very first day of school i was talking with the art teacher and she was like “im not feeling very well” and i hoped it was just first day of school headache but she ended up being out the next two days. guess it wasn’t covid if it was only 2 days. but i was kinda like ok damn really am i really a close contact on day one lol

(though i wonder if i will ever be contacted as a close contact? i know they go off of seating charts and stuff and as an adult i am not on any seating chart, and idk who is doing contact tracing but admin might not necessarily know which class i am in at what time. the teacher in the room could mention me IF they remember!) idk like i would like to know if i need to be quarantining/testing! 

we also had an assembly on friday. it was split into two, so one assembly was grade 5/6 and the other was 7/8. but that’s still like 250 kids plus adults in one room and i’m like ok is this gonna be a super spreader event.......

not to mention the assembly SUCKED!!!!! i thought the guy was gonna do some chainsaw shit but he just spoke in front of a powerpoint and the acoustics sucked where i was standing so i didn’t even understand half of what he said. and so i’m like ok we are risking covid for this BS?????? the kids didn’t like it either lol.

we got an email thurs saying that there were 2 people who tested positive who were at school the past two days.

i wonder how long it will take for a big outbreak/ is it inevitable that i may get covid at some point?

actually the other day i felt a ~little~ sick. not ACTUALLY sick, but do you ever wake up feeling a little sniffly, or your throats a little dry, or whatever. so i woke up feeling a little yucky and was like ok is this regular waking up yucky or is this already sick yucky? And kinda having to be like, ok i think this is a waking up yucky, but if i feel worse throughout the day i will go to the nurses. and yep i was right, the yucky dissipated fairly quickly and i was fine and have been fine.

but it was really a lot of emotions and thoughts to weigh! because the feeling of oh god do i have covid? is not a great one. it’s not great also to think about omg do i have to call out of my job during my first week!!!?? while i figured i was fine, there was a slight chance that i was sick, and then what??? i would feel so guilty if i had come into school and spread it!! i mean i wear my mask correctly and i would’ve gone home if i felt legitimately sick, but idk! god forbid i pass it on to someone who dies or someone who passes it on to someone who dies or idk anything like that. perhaps i am paranoid but in a pandemic i’d rather be safe than sorry and rather keep others safe as well. 

[mcjour]

so yeah i’ve been in school for 3.5 days. 

the first day of school i was so antsy. my teacher told me the admin wanted me in 5th grade but that she literally had no rosters so she didn’t know where to actually send me. so i had to wait a few hours still basically twiddling my thumbs. but knowing i was going into 5th grade classrooms which is my favorite ever LOL

eventually she sent me to 6th grade which was fun and then by the end of the day i made it to 5th. i was in art last period and the teacher basically gently coerced me into co-running the GSA??????? so that could be exciting! Haven’t heard anything else about that but literally we’ve only been in school 3.5 days and 2 of those the art teacher was out sick so like idk. 

i ended up following the same 5th grade class for the rest of the week. there’s two kids in there that i am keeping my eye on. not gonna say much else here because ob confidentiality and all that. but it’s a fun class imo. it’s wild for sure, but idk not anything i’m not used to lol. i hope i get to stay with them a while. i think in my current position i kinda could get thrown all around all year. working where i am needed most and what not.

speaking of.... i’m kinda excited for but worried for the fact that i could be pulled to sub!!! there’s not a lot of subs in the district so if a lot of people in the district call out, i have the chance to be pulled to sub in my school. i am not sure how they determine that. Like do they rotate through all the paras? or is one para less important than another? (which sounds harsh but like idk like i said i was twiddling my thumbs a lot so like i feel like i would be easier to pull than like a 1:1 para if that makes sense. i don’t think my school has 1:1s but you catch my drift?). 

actually i had to “cover” on the second day of school lol. My teacher was coming in an hour or so late so i was “covering” our room. covering our empty room lol. she ended up only being half an hour late too so it was truly nothing. but it was a surprise to get the email that morning as i was eating breakfast being like oh this is already happening?

i thought of a way to make me twiddle my thumbs less. i have a school issued computer. i think i can read some library books on there and look busy. i think it’s a little “risky” on a school device but truly worse things happen on school devices all the time than me passing time reading a book. i mean i work in the same area as the counselors, and i saw one of them looking at pictures of food  on yelp and i feel like that’s worse! lol. don’t get me wrong, i don’t think that’s bad or anything but idk the exact device rules, ya know.

my fave class so far was a section of 5th grade science where they did a cup stacking competition. the kids got really competitive as expected. they were given 30 minutes and legit when there was like 1 minute left, an oblivious teacher came into the classroom to ask the science teacher a question. she breezed right past the stacks, and the movement of the air knocked down all the towers. the kids were screaming and crying, and one girl literally had to be taken out because she was hyperventilating and rocking back and forth!!! honestly wildest class i was ever a part of LOL. 

i loved all of it though! like things really turned around!!! i can’t believe i went from wanting to quit to loving the job in just like a day LOL

[mcjour]

my first taste of the job (besides paperwork bleh) was the district new staff orientation. a little terrifying. i sat at a table and then i noticed the people at the next table over were talking about how they were both at my school so i picked up my stuff and moved over to the table. very brave for me lol.

there ended up being 3 men from my school, me, and then some random girl from a completely different school/ program/ thing at the table. we were such a nice table!!!! the orientation itself kinda sucked because it was boring and not very applicable to me, but i still felt like it was helpful in the sense that it helped quell some of my anxiety. like i got my badge, got my email, lil stuff like that that i was wondering about. plus my table was so nice! i felt better about meeting new people!

i also had gotten an email from one of the teachers about a staff party that week as well. super super terrifying!!! but i was kinda feeling fomo like idk i should push myself a little and worse comes to worst i can just leave?

so i went. lol.

it was super awkward!

but people were nice!

there were apparently a lot of new hires this year, but obviously still most people already knew each other. so it  felt cliquey.

the health teacher was very nice and kinda like took me under her wing and introduced me to everyone ! which was very very kind of her! like i had an okay time that night solely because of her lol. but yeah super awkward super uncomfortable.

the next day i decided to go to school. i hadn’t stepped foot in the school so figured why not just walk around a bit. i did. i ran into the nice health teacher lady again and she was very helpful. like she gave me a mini tour, and showed me stuff like how to print. and showed me my room (which by the way looked like shit lol). And she told me how the teacher i was working with was an anti masker and she wasn’t sure if she would actually be back because apparently the woman had a plan to walk into the school without a mask and the superintendent said she would get escorted out if she did that. so i’m like are you fucking kidding me that i get put with the craziest lady in the whole school ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and in a pandemic

so i was kinda excited for that ~drama~ like sure i wish i had a regular person to work with but if i must be put with her, i wouldn’t mind watching her get escorted, you know?

spoiler alert that didn’t happen

i also talked to the assistant principal. idk what it is about her but there is something about her that makes me uncomfortable but like she hasn’t been anything but nice so i can’t really say what it is. anyway she said she would talk to me after doing something and it seemed like she forgot about me which kinda made me feel bad but also it was the friday before school started so like i couldn’t ~really~ be upset, you know? clearly lady has plenty else on her mind. 

she did eventually come over and she only created more questions than she answered (well i didn’t have any specific questions except idk what my job is LOL). one thing she said was that i would have a walkie which was definitely a HUH? moment. (a week in and i do not have a walkie and hope that doesn’t change ugh please what am i supposed to do with a walkie!!!) 

the next week i had PD. soooo bad. so awkward. so off schedule. i awkwardly ate lunch by myself too LOL. then in the afternoon i went to my room and the lady was like idk what’s going on and idk what to tell you. so i literally just sat there twiddling my thumbs for like hours!!! it was so bad. i straight up was like omg i need to quit this job this is so awful!!!!!!! like stressed about not knowing anything, about working with this anti mask clueless lady, about all of it!!! but i also knew i had to wait until the kids came and the job actually started before i made any drastic actions. 

[mcjour]

long time no see!

ok not really but feels that way when so much has changed!

i had that interview with the district lady.... and she pretty much offered me a job right then and there. it was super confusing since i didn’t know going into it wtf i was even applying to. but she said she was looking for positions for one of the middle schools (the one that happens to be right down the street from me!). one of the roles was like a drop in center for kids having a bad day, the other was the autism program. and i was like oh yeah those both sound pretty cool! but since i had mentioned that at one point i was interested in becoming a school counselor, she was really into putting me in the first one so i was like uhh yeah sure. and she was like ok gonna call references! and im like oh!!! ok!!!! and she called my (professional) friends and they were all like yep so she called me back like an hour later to be like so yep here’s the job!

which is so wild to me like i did NOT apply for this job! and it really didn’t match the jobs i was applying to either, seeing as i was applying to elementary classroom jobs and this was literally neither of those things

i had another interview scheduled for the next day and i felt like i needed to go to it for some reason. like i liked my job offer, but was kinda too in shock to go ahead and cancel an interview, if that makes sense. also i figured it couldn’t hurt.

i went to that interview and boy the vibes were off. first of all, the drive sucked. which is kinda saying a lot, because i drive that way all the time, and it has NEVER been like that. so im like uhhhh is this a sign???? and then i go up to the school and the receptionist lady is kinda rude and i’m sitting there in the lobby thinking ok like that’s a sign too, i’m not gonna do this. i mean i still did the interview itself, i didn’t get up and leave or anything. but i walked out being like geez my gut is saying NO! so the next day i emailed them to be like yeah no i have a different offer (in nice polite words) and they are like ok well we thought you were a good fit so let us know if your plans change. so that was nice i suppose.

(i got contacted by other people later and was able to be like byee i have a job already!)

so yeah i took the middle school job.....to be continued......

[mcjour]

Sooo 

I never heard back Friday

a bunch of people were like well maybe they’re taking their time, maybe it’s slow getting paperwork, etc but I’m like nah I know I didn’t get it, you don’t need to prepare that much for a verbal offer lmao

But as I was waiting, I actually got 2 different emails inviting me to interview! So that helped soften the blow lol

I still haven’t heard from the first place and it’s now been over a week. Like I said, was okay but not my best interview, school seemed nice, but pay awful. So I’m definitely not up at night wondering about it... whatever lol

The principal at the other school, the one I really wanted, replied to my “thanks for interviewing me” email on monday. confirming that i was in fact rejected LOL. but it was honestly the kindest rejection i’ve ever received/ seen ever. basically being like i was great, she wished she could hire me, but went with someone with a little more experience. and that she passed my resume on to the district and someone from the district would be in touch. !!!! like... she really didn’t have to do that! she could’ve ghosted me (rude lol) or just been like sorry we chose someone else bye. but she actually took the time to be kind and help me?

which also kinda was a gut punch solidifying she would’ve been great to work with LOL. also she looked a lot like my favorite high school teacher which was a weird.... sign?

anyway i wonder if that lady was just being nice to me or if she did this to everyone or what LOL. 

like i don’t think she will ever realize how much that means to me. not even so much about trying to secure another job (although... yes obviously that is important). but just that this stranger would put in that effort to help me get out of the rut i am in (NOT that she knows about that obviously did not give my traumatic life story in an interview lol). or that my last job treated me like trash, but even though this woman has never actually worked with me, she is still advocating for me and my abilities? just such a big difference

anyway this district lady emailed me on friday (before the rejection lol) and i was like huh?????????? who is this and why is she wanting to interview me ???? (i mean i had a gut feeling it was somehow related to the other job, but didn’t quite put the puzzle together). she wanted to do a virtual interview on monday but monday came and went and ?????????????? LOL so i was like uhhhhhh? i was going to email her to follow up but i kinda procrastinated because i hate writing professional emails and i have no idea how i would word a “uhhhh are you still interested??” email. anyway she replied today and apparently we will interview tomorrow... we will see.....

i’m just a bit confused about this whole thing though. like ok, there are other similar positions at other schools in the district. so... what’s this lady gonna do about it!!!! (hypothetically) is she going to place me in a random ass school????  like idk what if she wants me in a school that nobody else wants to work in lol. i have standards too. so will she take my preferences since i guess i am in a district pool? but am i the only person in the pool? and what about the principals? interviews are great for talking about experience and why you’re qualified and all that, but it’s also kinda a fit thing. so idk how she would place me? or if i would have to do MORE interviews with the prinicpals??? please no ,more interviews lol

does my resume have an edge now that a principal has vouched for me (again, without actually working with me lol)

the other interview will be in the district i grew up in!! i feel very confident about it actually. it’s not at the school i went to, totally the other side of town, so it’s fresh to me, but still somewhat familiar. (and literally fresh in that the whole building was completely redone, like built a brand new building and tore down the old one kind of redone). 

i feel confident because a) my confidence is growing with each interview (i mean didn’t i just say a random lady was vouching for me LOL). b) just numbers lol. the email i got made it seem like they are trying to fit interviews into a single afternoon. well you can’t fit very many interviews in a single afternoon (especially if they go by school working hours- like ending at 3:30pm not going to 5pm!) (and i think i’m the first interview of the afternoon lol) and it looks as though there are 3 open positions. now obviously that doesn’t guarantee anything but uhhh those are some good #s. c) i keep people in my life updated on my job search and one of those people is my old 4th grade teacher. i mentioned the interview and she was like oh i know the AP bla bla bla you can tell her i say hi. So namedropping haha. d) same teacher has told me they have trouble filling these positions/ keeping them filled (which i know isn’t GREAT but right now i am just looking to secure a job... i can always leave if it sucks. i’ve heard it’s more a problem with the pay than the job itself... i think they are negotiating a contract right now so fingers crossed) and like here i am ready to fill one! 

so i kinda was like ok very high chance they hire me, very high chance i end up working there (just want a job at this point!). i feel mixed about that possibility. well first don’t count chickens before they hatch..... but really reflecting on what i want isn’t bad. i think it will be weird to return to a town i wanted for so long to leave (though that was NOT necessarily the town itself... but it is true i didn’t ever really fit in). idk it’ll be nice to work in a school with resources and broaden my experiences I guess. but idk how different it will be from my old job. like i don’t wanna be prejudiced but like are these kids gonna be mean, entilted, etc? i don’t remember that far back (lol also... the kids i worked with before WERE plenty rude themselves)

but my mom today was like i know you are ~blinded by nostalgia~ but you should take the other job since it pays more money. first of all, i haven’t gotten any offers at all so there isn’t even any choice to make yet. second of all, huh?????????? when did i say i wanted this job? i mean, yes i want it in the sense that i want any of the jobs i applied for. but like do i want it more than the other job? meh. i’m very excited for the interview but that is because i think it might finally be an offer, but the way it came out it sounded like she thought i was like horny for the district like no i just want a job. if it happens to be near where i grew up, cool i guess. like i didn’t even go to this school! it’s a cool school, would be happy to work there, but ?????????????????? i just want employment

once again i don’t want to get my hopes up. i really loved that one school and thought the interview was good and that the numbers game was good too, but that didn’’t work out. i don’t wanna get my hopes up for any of these jobs. don’t need to crush myself anymore than usual lol

[mcjour]

I bought concert tickets maybe a month ago? for late October. I was unsure about it, but knew if I wanted good seats I needed to buy tickets immediately…….. but I figured worse comes to worst I can just resell

Anyway it’s still a couple months away but covid doesn’t seem to be getting better … it’s getting worse….

I’m vaccinated, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to pack into a giant indoor stadium…

Like I was unsure about covid when I bought the tickets and things only seem to be getting worse so if I was already iffy in better times… lol

So I’m leaning towards selling my tickets

But part of me is still like yeesh it’s still early like who knows how things will be in 2 months

Buttttttt with back to school happening in that window, I can’t imagine things clearing up ….

Who knows maybe the show will be cancelled anyway

[mcjour]

ahhhhhhhhh

ok so i’ve been applying all over for jobs which is such a horrible process. hate writing cover letters and filling in employment history and then having to talk to strangers and bla bla bla

SO

anyway i had TWO interviews this week!

the first one was for the district in the next town over. i didn’t apply to any jobs that i wouldn’t be happy at, but honestly it’s probably a last choice in the sense that it pays significantly less than anywhere else in the area. Just $15/hr. which isn’t the WORST i’ve seen, but still... not great.. at all...

but i went and interviewed with an assistant principal and she was very nice and made her schools seem really great! like i walked away being like ok i kinda wanna work here LOL. 

i think the interview went well overall. but... in retrospect there are definitely some questions i could’ve answered a lot better than i did. maybe some cringey answers. BUT also nothing i would consider BAD either, if that makes sense. Like certainly not the best job I could’ve done, but overall felt satisifed. I mean, I also need to be fair to myself that this was my first interview in years, and after (well, during) a freaking pandemic, and after leaving my last job in such a traumatic way. And like just anxiety in general! So like, yes I definitely could have done a lot better, but considering I left feeling satisfied, like I am proud of myself for how it went really. 

Plus, she seemed responsive and interested in what I was saying, which seems like a good sign? But like she totally just could’ve been a nice lady with a poker face LOL

Do I think I will get an offer??? Ehhhhhh..... I guess it depends on how many other applicants/ open positions. Like, I could see it going either way. I definitely didn’t bomb the interview, so I wouldn’t say an automatic no. But I could definitely imagine other people could have interviewed much better than I did. And if they were only looking to fill one position, well, I’m out. 

And so, like I said, since they pay the least amount of money, like, I wouldn’t be super hurt if I didn’t get the offer. Like I hope to get a better position so like I’m hoping I wouldn’t end up there anyway! But, if I did get the offer, maybe I’d take it....

Anyway, the interview was Monday and she did say they were aiming for this week ~either way~ and now tomorrow (today) is Friday, so I wonder if I will hear back (either way) today

My second interview...... 

So after my first interview, I made sure to practice extra hard. I mean, I did practice for the first interview a lot too (meaning coming up with different stories/ scenarios for frequently asked questions), but after that one I was like “oh I could’ve said something better for that question” sort of a thing.

So I had all these great stories lined up and ready to go and I was so ready to use them and make me sound great

But.... she didn’t ask any questions like that!!!!!!! 

They were really such flat questions like “what do you do if 8 students need your help?” “you might be pulled to sub is that ok?” like HUH????????????

How am I supposed to make myself sound good with questions like that LMAOOOOOO

(and... how is she supposed to make a decision with questions like that LOL)

But honestly, I did do a good job, I think. Like I think I gave solid answers to every question, don’t think I said anything too cringey or anything. The pulled to sub question could easily have been a flop if I was just like “yeah” (LOL) but I told a story about how my partner teacher would disappear and i would take over the class on the fly. that kind of a thing. was proud of that.

so i walked out feeling pretty confident.

okay plus she started interviews on wednesday (mine was that day). she said she had two more the following day (which made it seem like mine was the last of the day). and then would hope to get back to people on friday. (AHHHHH! I FIND OUT TOMORROW/ TODAY).

and so i was kinda doing the math where i was like okay... my interview was at 1:30pm... she couldn’t have had TOO many before me....  she must’ve allowed herself a lunch break at some point, and when i got to the school she was finishing up a completely unrelated math meeting online. so she must’ve not just been doing interviews that whole time. i wanna say maybe max 6 other interviews that day if she started around 9, went to 12, one every half hour. but i am doubting that she packed them in like that, like i said. but that would make 9 applicants MAX, probably less. And she said there were 3 open positions across both her schools. and she asked if i wanted to be considered for both schools. So that gives me a 1 in 3 chance (or better depending on the actual number of applicants! maybe 1 in 2 chance lol. or if any of the applicants did not want to be considered for both jobs, but one vs the other). so i was feeling pretty good!!!! like decent ratio and a good interview things are looking good! (i mean you hear about jobs that get hundreds of applicants for a single position! these odds are p good!)

BUT still like i wish she asked me different questions. i don’t feel like i fully really expressed who i am to her. like if she had asked me more than i would’ve felt more confident that she would have seen more of my strengths and stuff. like i said, the questions she did ask were kinda flat, and while i think i answered them well, i wasn’t given a lot to work with. that said, i assume she asked the same questions to everyone, so i assume everyone else kinda had that issue, so idk how she is making a decision based off that!

especially given this: i gave her a copy of my resume and she said she really appreciated that because the website the district uses for the applications like is hard to use or messes things up or somehting. which, okay. that worries me a little bit... because i hope she can access my cover letter, my references, etc... because those add a LOT to the picture. like LMAO if she went off of my interview and resume alone...well...ew. i really hope she logs back in and reviews the WHOLE application.

So i’m kinda thinking ewwwwww maybe there was more I could’ve done somehow idk

LOL maybe print out my entire packet HAHA

jk would that have been weird? I would’ve felt weird. but maybe she would’ve liked that haha

the first interview lady actually had all of my stuff printed for the interview (i offered her a resume copy and she’s like oh i actually printed it myself and she had like this thick packet of ALL the stuff)

idk i really loved this school. like on paper it seemed perfect for many reasons, and then when i spoke to the principal it still seemed great, maybe even better than i thought. so like UGH this is my dream school. i want this job so bad! but like, i’m afraid to allow myself to get excited about it. like ... i don’t want to be disappointed. also like just in general there is no need for me to romanticize a JOB 

okay right after the interview i felt so confident like omg yes i am so excited and i am going to get this job!!!! but now the next day i am like... ugh... no way will i get this job... i never get anything i want, so the rejection is inevitable... like... can there really be no healthy middle thinking for me jfc. 

i will say there was one red flag in that i was like oh it seems like you have a very tight knit community here and shes like oh yes we are like a family! and like !!!! those are some red flag words honey!!!!! don’t say that. but like.... idk how to describe it. it felt genuine and not exploity? not that you can tell that from an interview. but like it seems like everyone has been working there forever and loves it kind of a thing. i mean, if i get the job, i won’t let my guard down on that shit. but it’s not concerning enough to stop me either.

one thing i am a LITTLE worried about is that idk when this lady planned on checking references (if at all). like did she do that thursday or is she planning on friday? because part of me secetly hoped that she would call my references today and they would’ve texted me being like omg! but they didn’t. and so that is kinda like “...oh.” But like i said, she very well could be calling tomorrow. ALSO worth considering is that two of my 3 references actually uploaded letters into the system. So she really doesn’t even ~need~ to call them unless she had specific questions (or wanted to talk to the 3rd reference LOL). so like... i really do not need to be stressing out about this specific thing at all... and yet....

also.... ugh... there are stuff that are just about me that i worry about. like ok, i am visibly queer with a shaved head. while i’d hope that an interviewer would not be prejudiced.... they easily could be. there really aren’t enough queer people in education, it’s a very homogenous field of straight, often wealthy, white women. i do have white privilege but otherwise i really don’t fit the image, so idk. also one of my references did use they/them pronouns in their reference letter and i feel like that could be a huge red flag to someone. granted i suppose i wouldn’t want to work for someone like that, and i also don’t care enough to asks my friend to misgender me, but still, it’s something i wonder about. another thing is that i talk with my hands a lot, and i am sure i did even more given that i was nervous......... i don’t think that is an issue necessarily but i was definitely self conscious about it like geez i hope i wasn’t waving my hands out of control LOL. and then another thing is that i HATE eye contact, like i just can’t do it. And I think I did a great job of holding eye contact, all things considered. but I definitely did look away a bit, particularly when i was thinking. I think it was fine and not an unreasonable amount of looking away, but now i am getting paranoid like oops maybe i looked away too much or something!!! i mean, i would hate if a job offer came down to something trivial like that, but... idk

another thing i wonder is the other applicants. like i said before.. it doesn’t really matter if i am a great applicant, it doesn’t guarantee anything if there was someone even slightly better. doesn’t mean i suck or anything. of course, that still wouldn’t take the sting off. ANYWAY the part i wonder most about though is where are these other people applying? by that i mean like what if my first choice school is actually someone else’s last choice school? do the other applicants also have other interviews and offers to weigh? So like, what if she offers someone a job but they are like sorry no thanks (for whatever reason, whether they accepted another position elsewhere, saw a red flag in the interview, or whatever it may be). like what if i was 4th choice for the 3 positions or something. would the job go to me?? when would i find this out? like, it’s weird to state that you will find out friday ~either way~ when i feel like you would need some time for the other people to accept (god forbid the call goes to voicemail even!). like i feel like most jobs wouldn’t be like “you’re waitlisted” LOL (i will say i did get a job off a waitlist once so i know it’s possible, but that doesn’t seem likely here LOL). maybe she didn’t say friday either way, and just ~friday~. maybe friday is for acceptances and flat out rejections and if you don’t hear friday you’re waitlisted LOL. or maybe she said she would make the decision fridayy but that doesn’t mean she’s actually reaching out friday? (ok i doubt she said that LOL)

plus are we talking like oh first thing friday she’s making the calls or is she gonna pull at 4:59pm thing like a lot of places do LOL. I don’t think that makes sense but maybe? I mean, when she offered me an interview, the time stamp on the email said like 8:39am or some shit, so i think this lady is on the ball in the mornings. but like i said, maybe she is still tying it all together friday morning, after all, she is moving through this very fast. 

hopefully i hear good news today but i guess we will just  wait and see.

if it’s only bad/no news, there are still some schools i haven’t heard from, and some more i can apply to. i just want to wrap this process up sooner rather than later.

lastly, i need to remember if worst comes to worse, i could always apply to my old school (meaning the one i worked at before, not the one i attended lol. although i guess i could also apply there, i just don’t like the position they have open right now). i am pretty dang sure they would take me (they always need somebody!) plus i know the ropes, know i would be happy and fit in there (not to mention my friends are there LOL). i hope it doesn’t come to that, after all the pay SUCKS lol. but it’s not world ending if i don’t get the jobs.

[mcjour]

my cat is dying.

i know i get paranoid and anxious about this all the time and always think it’s happening soon but this time it is legit (i think...)

she’s 18, so like, as much as i hate to say it, maybe it is time. she lived a long and happy life, there’s really not a lot that can be done to prolong her life at this point.

for a few days, she stopped eating altogether. so it was very much a “this is it” feeling.

my mom says it’s because of the pills we had to give her. they were causing her to lose her appetite. i mean... maybe? that’s definitely a very possible possibility. but it’s weird how confident she is in that. like.... it could just be that she’s old and ready to die. she took the pills no problem for a few weeks and if anything she ate more food.

anyway we decided to stop giving her the pills. and basically just give her whatever she wants as far as food goes. at least then she will die happy.

so she is eating a little more, but certainly not a lot. i’ve seen her eat a couple bites of wet food, my mom has seen her eat a couple bites of dry food. and then she will of course eat treats and/or human food LOL. So she ate some of my turkey and cheese at lunch and some of my chicken nuggets at dinner. and i’ve given her a tube of puree treats each night too. so definitely better than a few days ago when she was eating ~nothing~ but still.... really not enough. i mean she is small and she’s old so i’m sure she doesn’t need quite as much energy as she once did, but like she is skinny, always has been, so if anything she needs to gain more weight than lose it. in fact, the pills were hopefully going to help her gain weight (the pills were for hyperthyroidism or whatever it’s called). and i really believed it for a couple weeks. she was having no problem taking the pills (hidden in her food), adjusting to a new kidney sensitive diet. she did HATE the ear drops (for an ear infection), and i felt really bad about it. At first I thought she stopped eating because of that. she hid under the bed more, presumably so i wouldn’t grab her put the drops in. so when she stopped eating, i thought it was kinda my fault. she didn’t want to come out and eat in fear i would pick her up. well it’s been about a week since i put the last drops in and she comes out now, trusts me again, but that wasn’t enough to bring her appetite back.

i thought she would die within the week. i mean... you can’t not eat and live very long. and i guess specifically cats who don’t eat can die very quickly because their bodies really can’t process stored fat into energy so it would like destory the kidneys or something. idk. not that she even has any stored fat lol. but like just reading that was kinda like ok, this is definitely the end.

but now that she’s kinda eating again, it’s like ??? ok? i’m glad you are eating again but how long is this going to last? like i think she extended her life a little bit, maybe it won’t be this week, but this can’t last more than a couple weeks, maybe a couple months if we’re lucky. but is it really lucky if all you can think about when you look at her is how she could drop dead any day now

she has become extra cuddly lately. she wants to be by my side 24/7 now. i appreciate it, love to be able to spend every waking moment of her final days together. but it makes me wonder.... does she know? is she trying to make sure she goes with me by her side?

this is weird but i feel like she is holding on for me to get a job offer. which sounds a little silly, cats aren’t necessarily privy to that kind of information LOL. but i kinda wonder if she wants to make sure i am set up for success when she leaves me. idk i can’t articulate it. but making sure i move onto my next part of life. i’ve been stuck in this rut for a while and she wants to see me out of it. and i know that’s silly. but my other cat, he died a couple days after my spring break in college one year. it felt as though he held on long enough to see me one last time, for me to say goodbye. now, i am sure stories like this are just coincidences and not something necessarily in the cat or human’s control, but it’s a little comforting to believe something like that. granted, she didn’t need to pick the week i was inteviewing for a couple jobs to stress me out!! lol

i know her death will fuck me up. it already is and it hasn’t even happened yet.

she is ~18.3 and i’ve had her for 17.5 years. like that’s the majority of my life. and she has helped me through some really really tough shit. she’s always been very in tune to my emotions. like, she’s raised me more than any human has. idk. i don’t want to go into it here. but she is my whole world and more.

and i hate myself for thinking this way but i’ve already been thinking about adopting another cat. like... i don’t want to feel like i am replacing her, but holy shit i can’t live in this house without a cat. i mean, ideally maybe my therapist could help me with a non cat codependent coping mechanism LOL. but in general my life would be empty without a cat in it. my mom has warned me for years now that she is not getting another pet, and so while i am welcome to get another cat one day, it will be 100% mine and when i move out i need to take it with me. which is fine, just another layer to think about re: budgeting for a cat, finding a pet friendly place to live, etc. at first i was kinda like ughh that complicates things, but now my cat’s death is potentially coming up soon and i don’t plan on moving out ~soon~ (i mean, i still need a job LOL) i am thinking i very well may go for it. but still, thinking about kittens makes me feel so awful and guilty. i catch myself looking up adoptable pets from time to time and i feel awful about that too. i mean, i don’t take it super seriously... i would hope that any currently adoptable pets would be adopted by the time she dies and i would be ready to adopt. so like i’m not adding any specific pets to a wishlist or some shit, like just looking at the cute pics. but it still feels so wrong.

LMAO also of course my therapist is on vacation this week!!!! (i mean good for her and if i really needed her i could contact her and all that but just l m a o at the coincidence)

idk. i’m just sad.

i know cats can’t live forever and she’s already lived way longer than a lot of cats so i am very lucky for the time i did get with her, but damn

i will try to make her last days, whether it is days, weeks months, happy