#as it turn out she has asthma and is going to need meds

[sasoreo]

Sooth looking angry and crusty after her vet visit

[whumpetywhumpwhump]

Posting one of my actual (fandom-related) full fics on here... be nice!!

This is some good ol' intubation whump because it's my favourite.

(for slight context of character, see this old post)

When the call comes in, everybody in the ER is hoping it isn't Coop. Especially Neela.

Severe asthma attack. 26 year old male.

Somehow, because it's his day off and he really ought to be relaxing, it seems almost impossible for him to find himself back in the hospital as a patient. It just… isn't fair.

That doesn't stop the wheels of the gurney from rolling through the doors, though. Doesn't change the fact that Coop is laying half-conscious on top of it, his quick, shallow breaths fogging a nebulizer mask, his skin so pale it looks ashen.

“26 year old male,” the paramedic conducting the transfer restates. “Severe asthma attack with symptoms pointing to onset of status asthmaticus. Albuterol administered, as well as 0.5mg subcutaneous epinephrine, both to minimal effect.”

Dr Lewis, the attending on the case, moves to Coop’s side, slipping the chest piece of her stethoscope underneath his t-shirt as they continue to move into one of the trauma rooms. Her expression, when she withdraws it, is severe.

“His airways are pretty much closed up. He needs more epi now.”

Abby hurries to drag a crash cart in, and Neela follows the gurney all the way until it's positioned in the trauma room, at which point she starts readying an IV kit with shaking hands.

Coop does not look good. Even when compared to the time she almost killed him with epi. At least then he'd been alert, sitting up, and his skin hadn't lost all of its colour like it has now.

Dr Lewis returns from fetching some more equipment, and as she waits for Abby to arrive with the crash cart, she strokes Coop’s hair reassuringly.

“Hang on, sweetheart, we’re going to help you feel better. Just keep breathing for me, okay?”

Through weak wheezes that emerge from blue-tinged lips, Coop nods. His eyelids are heavy with exhaustion.

Neela hasn't seen an asthma attack this severe in person before, but she knows from med school how dangerous they can be- especially when the patient is as tired as Coop is. It isn't clear how long he's been struggling this much to breathe. The colour of his skin (or lack of, for that matter) tells her it's been too long.

If they don't work quickly, his body will run out of energy. He'll stop breathing, too exhausted to even inhale anymore. He'll lose oxygen.

He'll die.

“Neela, I need an IV of 100mg hydrocortisone.”

She turns to find Dr Lewis’ keen gaze on her. There's a thinly veiled panic in the attending’s eyes that quickly disappears as she turns back to Coop, gently trying to reassure him as he fights for air.

“I’m going to page Pratt as well, alright, Coop? He can get you some more albuterol so your nebulizer doesn't dry out.”

Neela can't see whether Coop replies, but if he does, it isn't audible. All she can hear is his terrifying wheeze and the hum of the nebulizer, shortly joined by a rapid beeping as a nurse finally helps him take off his shirt and hooks him up to a monitor. She doesn't dare turn around to look at his oxygen saturation. It's likely going to keep plummeting.

Instead, she focuses on setting up the cannula in Coop’s trembling arm, her left hand holding it steady while her right slides the needle in.

“There we are, Coop.” she murmurs. “You're doing so well, sweetheart.”

The pet name feels stranger coming from her lips than Dr Lewis', but at this point her slight blush is the least of their worries. While Coop’s this sick, it doesn't matter what she calls him. He just needs to start breathing properly again.

Once the IV site has been secured with a clear sticker, Neela measures out the dose of hydrocortisone. 100mg. When they're giving it as a steroid over a longer period of time, they prescribe 20-30mg a day, in two doses. The fact that they're pumping him full of this much at once is testament to just how emergent his case is.

“100mg hydrocortisone going in.” she announces. Connects the needle to the cannula. Pushes down on the plunger of the syringe.

Despite her accumulated knowledge surrounding medication, Neela still half expects the effects to be immediate. For Coop to suddenly relax, his airway opening up again, the colour gradually suffusing his cheeks. For the wheezing to fade as he breathes in properly for the first time in hours.

It doesn't. None of this happens.

Minute by minute, Coop continues to deteriorate. Abby brings in the crash cart. Dr Lewis injects the epinephrine beneath the skin of his forearm and, unlike before, he doesn't even react to the needle. His eyes flicker like his awareness is slipping away from him.

By the time Pratt arrives to switch out Coop’s nebulizer, such a small intervention becomes pointless. Even if Coop were able to breathe properly, time has proven that albuterol, on this occasion, just isn't working. Pratt sets down the new nebulizer and instantly crosses to Coop’s bedside, brow furrowed.

“Coop, man, can I listen to your chest?”

A barely perceptible nod.

When Pratt presses the cold stethoscope against Coop’s heaving chest, it seems more of a confirmatory action than one that's actually necessary. He sighs, shaking his head. Coop, as evidenced by the blue tinge to his lips, his rolling eyes, the pallor of his skin, is officially status asthmaticus.

He's in respiratory failure.

Things suddenly grow a lot more urgent. Pratt gives Lewis a gesture that she reciprocates, and a nurse pulls the crash cart closer to the bed. Neela’s heart sinks just as Abby sinks into position right at Coop’s bedside, crouching next to him as she strokes his hair and updates him.

“Sweetheart, your breathing isn't where we need it to be, okay? You're not getting enough oxygen. We need to put you to sleep for a while… intubate you. Do you understand?”

Coop closes his eyes, humming in assent even as a frightened tear slips down his cheek.

“Ju-just… d-d-do… iiiiit.”

His voice is shot. Weak. Resigned to his fate.

It's the same phrase he used when Abby shocked his heart back into a regular rhythm a few months ago. Back then, though, it had simply been a plea to get things over with.

Now, it seems not only a desperate entreaty, but also a solemn reminder:

I’ve been here before.

Neela knows, just as the other staff do, that Coop’s been super sick a couple of times. He knows what it's like to wake up in the ICU feeling like you're breathing through a straw. He knows what it's like for weeks to pass in the span of a minute.

He knows that when he's tubed, he can breathe, and that’s all that matters.

“We’re going to look after you, sweetheart, I promise.” Abby says, her own eyes a little misty. She brushes the sweat-damp hair from his forehead and squeezes his hand. One of the other nurses adjusts the bed so it's laying flat. The tears, terrified, continue to stream silently down his cheeks.

Abby lifts his hand, pressing an almost motherly kiss to the back of it, while Pratt slots a syringe full of medication into the cannula of his other hand.

“Propofol and some muscle relaxants are going to go in now, man. Just relax and let yourself drift off- we’ve got you.”

As the syringe is pushed, Neela can see Coop’s grip on Abby’s hand loosen. The thick tears decorating his cheeks seem, in themselves, to slow down, the scared expression in his eyes melting away beneath the anaesthetic. He blinks once. Twice.

Gone.

There's something so unnerving about Coop being still. How, as Pratt brushes his index finger underneath Coop’s eyelashes, the latter doesn't stir at all to crack a smile. When Dr Lewis gets into position behind his head and adjusts her patient accordingly, he's limp and movable. Floppy.

“Pratt, can you get that nebulizer off?”

“Sure.”

There are red marks across Coop's face from where the straps of the mask dug into his skin for hours. Now, he doesn't breathe at all. He looks dead. According to the dropping numbers on the monitor, he may as well be dead.

“Laryngoscope.”

“Here. Laryngoscope.”

A nurse places the metal instrument into Dr Lewis' awaiting hand. Her other hand gently tilts Coop’s head back.

“Alright… sliding laryngoscope in… got slight cord visualisation. Tube?”

“Tube.”

Neela watches her angle the endotracheal tube in with bated breath- and for good reason.

“C’mon, Coop.” Lewis murmurs, desperately trying to gain access. “I need to help you breathe, sweetheart. Let me help you breathe.”

Pratt steps up next to her, arms crossed. “Difficult airway?”

“Nearly impossible. Haven't seen this level of inflammation in a long time. Poor guy must have been so incredibly uncomfortable.”

The monitor continues to blare. Coop’s oxygen levels continue to drop.

Abby, still positioned right next to him, stroking his hair even as he lays there unconscious, glances worriedly at the screen.

“His sats aren't looking good.”

Dr Lewis sighs. “Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to- there.”

Her relief is palpable, and Neela knows at once that she’s finally in. She watches the tube slot into place before Lewis inflates the cuff, and Pratt connects everything up to the vent.

“Tube’s misting.” Abby says gently, as everyone begins to relax. “Looks like good placement.”

Pratt pulls his stethoscope out from around his neck.

“I’ll check.”

He moves to Coop's side and checks his breathing, first auscultating the left side of his chest, then the right. It's odd, Neela thinks, to observe how natural his breathing looks now, when only moments ago it was erratic and desperate- but of course, it isn't technically him breathing now at all. They've taken over for him.

After a few more checks with the stethoscope across Coop’s chest and neck, Pratt stands up, slinging the device back around his own neck.

“Bilateral breath sounds. You're in.”

Everyone in the room seems to relax at once, especially when the numbers on the monitor start to creep up to normal.

“Alright,” Dr Lewis breathes, turning to Abby. “Secure it, then we'll get him down to ICU. Keep him on max settings until we know it's safe to start weaning him off."

She moves back, as does Pratt, and Abby stands, giving Coop’s hair one last gentle run through with her fingers before she moves away to fetch the tube holder. Neela's eyes remain fixed on him, though. It's impossible not to when he's so completely still.

“You alright, Neela?” Abby asks gently as she returns a few moments later.

Neela nods. “Yeah, I just… it's so different when you know them. I didn't realise how sick it would make me feel.”

Abby gives her a small reassuring smile, then focuses her attention back on the packaging she's just picked up, tearing it open and pulling out the holder before she starts to peel off the tape on the pads.

“I know what you mean. It's not easy seeing somebody you care about like this, and it's somehow even harder with a person like Coop. He's always smiling, always moving, always there, and now…” She presses the first pad against his cheek gently, thumb brushing against it to secure it. “He's not. He's always there to take care of everybody else, and now…” She applies the other pad, movements just as careful and attentive. “He needs us to take care of him.”

Neela hums affirmatively, watching her secure the tube.

“There's just so much at stake. So much that could go wrong, and nearly did. Maybe it even has.”

Abby finishes, standing up fully again and adjusting things ever so slightly. Coop looks like the other patients in the ICU now, and it makes Neela’s stomach roll with anxiety.

“It isn't easy.” Abby responds. “But that's what the ER’s like, even if it happens with one of our own. It's fast-paced, it's risky, and sometimes the worst happens. Sometimes, we can't easily cure a patient, and we have to hope that they'll fight enough on their own to get through things.”

“Do you think he will? Coop?”

“There are no guarantees, but if anyone's going to, it's him.” She looks down at him with a mixture of affection and admiration. Her thumb strokes along the curve of his jaw. “He just needs to hang on long enough for the inflammation to go down. He just needs to do something which is pretty alien to him, and rest. Let us do some of the heavy lifting for a while until he's strong enough to do it on his own again.”

Neela nods. “He'll get through it.”

Abby smiles. “Exactly. He'll get through it… You’re a tough one, aren't you, sweetheart?” She brushes back some more sweat-damp and unruly hair from his forehead. “Let's get you somewhere you can rest, hm?”

Coop remains still, the only sign he's still there at all being the beeping of the monitor and the fogging of the tube. But somehow, as Neela helps Abby raise the railings of the bed ready for transport, she knows he's going to come out of this.

He always does.

[sevcasejay1chicago]

Drugged Part 2- TeenSister!Casey/ BigBrother! Casey

Authors note: thank you all for the support! It’s been rough trying to write with everything going on. I immediately wrote a part 2 while it was fresh. I hope y’all enjoy!

Summary: Once you arrive at Med, Will and Natalie make sure you are taken care of.

Warnings: mentions of fainting, medical talk that I’m not even sure I got completely right

~~~~~~~~

Upon arrival at med, the guys lifted you on the backboard to a stretcher that Will and Maggie brought out. They quickly slid you off and back into the recovery position as they wheeled you through the hospital doors.

“GCS 7, pulse is 70, O2 is hanging in the lower 90s, and pressure is 97/69. This is all after a round of epi, Zofran and supplemental oxygen.” Violet rattled off as she helped Maggie and Brett wheel you into Trauma 2 as Will looked you over.

“Mags, get me a full panel, tox screen, more fluids and a few warming blankets. She feels cold.” Will rattled off, placing a hand on your cheek. “Y/n, it’s Will Halstead. You know where you are?” Will asked, taking the sheet and helping them transfer you over to the bed.

“Matty? Where’s Matt?” You asked, unfocused eyes trying to look around all the people in the room.

“He’s right outside squirt. He’s filing some paperwork with Doris. I’m here though.” Kelly soothed, pushing your flyaways back again. ”Can you answer Will?” Kelly asked when you finally made eye contact with him.

“Firehouse?” You questioned, looking around. “No. No, I’m at Med. I think.” You said, looking to Will and then back to Kelly for confirmation.

“Very good sweetheart. That’s right. You are at Med.” Will praised, leaning away so that April could take your temp.

“97.1. “ April said, looking to Kelly.

“That’s close to normal for her. Might just be running a bit cooler from the squad being cold.” Kelly said, turning to help Nat place two warm blankets on you.

“How did this happen?” Natalie asked, coming around Kelly to examine you once Will took the Ipad from her.

“We don’t know. I already called Jay. I think it has something to do with the coffee she was drinking when she came in. He’s looking into it.” Kelly replied, stepping back and out of the way so that Natalie had more room to tend to you.

“Okay. Well, I’m gonna give her a breathing treatment since this seems to be bothering her asthma. Run one bag of warm fluids and then run a regular bag of saline. We need to try to flush some of this out of her system.” Natalie told Maggie and April. “Also, place a catheter. I don’t trust her balance or mental state with the drugs in her system.” Nat added, walking to the end of the bed so Kelly could step forward.

“Can you stay while they do that? Just incase she freaks out?” Kelly asked Stella, who was standing in the doorway.

“Of course.” Stella nodded, stepping into the room and next to Kelly. “Hey kiddo. You know who I am?” Stella asked, getting in your line of sight.

“Auntie Stella?” You questioned, looking at Kelly for confirmation.

“That’s right squirt. She’s gonna stay here while they take care of some girl stuff, okay?” Kelly said, making sure you were actually alright with this.

You nodded and reached your hand out for Stella, who immediately grabbed yours in return. “Okay. Then can I see Matt?” You asked, looking at April as she drew some blood.

“Yes sweetheart. He should be about done by now. We will send him in when we have you settled. Okay?” April said, smiling sweetly at you.

You nodded and leaned into Kelly as he kissed your temple. “I’ll be right outside princess.”

As Kelly started to walk out of the room, your eyes became more unfocused and your vision became dark around the edges. “Uh guys?!” Stella exclaimed, taking your hand and using the other to hold your head.

“Step back Stella.” Natalie said, running back into the room. She tried to rouse you, but you wouldn’t fully come around. “Tip the bed up. Elevate her feet and lower her head.” Natalie instructed April. “Y/n? Can you hear me?” Natalie asked, trying to simulate you by doing a sternum rub. Almost immediately after they tipped you, you began to come back around, trying to swat Nat away. “Just relax. It’s alright. You lost consciousness for a few seconds.”

“I don’t feel good.” You mumbled, covering your face with your hands.

“What doesn’t feel good?” Will asked, coming up to your other side with Kelly at his shoulder.

“My head and stomach.” You answered. “Uncle Kelly. Make it stop.” You sobbed, reaching for your godfather.

“Shhhh princess. It’s alright. It’s gonna be okay.” Kelly soothed, moving around Will to stand at the end of your bed and take your hands. “You gotta breathe.” Kelly reminded you, kneeling to be in your line of sight a bit better since you were leaned back pretty far.

“Let’s just keep her like this until the breathing treatment. We can put up a drape to insert her catheter so that you can stay Kelly. I’m gonna grab Matt and fill him in. I’m gonna let her rest while we wait.” Natalie said, running a hand through your hair. “Just rest sweetie. We have you.” Natalie soothed, wiping your tears before leaving the room.

“Just relax squirt. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Kelly promised, taking the seat that April offered and then taking your hand, kissing the back of your hand.

——————

You woke with a gasp, flinging your arm out to protect yourself from an unknown threat.

“Hey hey hey. Shhhh it’s alright.” Matt said, standing up on one side of your bed.

“Hey squirt. Remember to breathe.” Kelly said, grabbing your hands and bring them to your chest.

“Matty? Uncle Kel?” You asked, relaxing back into the hospital bed.

“Yeah sweetheart. It’s us. You are going to be just fine.” Matt said, rubbing a hand through your hair.

“How long?” You asked, rubbing your eyes as soon as Kelly let go of you.

“About a day. I gave them permission to do breathing treatments and insert a catheter. You weren’t really coming around anymore. You are going to be just fine though.” Matt explained, sitting back down in his chair.

“Jay caught the guy. He’s a serial offender who jumps from state to state. He picked the wrong girl to mess with this time.” Kelly said, also sitting back down. “Hank and Jay took care of him. He will never hurt anyone ever again.” Kelly said, leaning back and looking smug.

You nodded your head. “Sooo. When can I break out of here?” You asked, making the two older men laugh.

“Soon enough. I promise kiddo.” Matt said, taking your hand again.

“Until then, there is a firehouse full of people waiting for you out in the waiting room. You up for some visitors?” Kelly asked, standing back up and smoothing your hair back.

“For them? Always.” You said, smiling at your godfather.

[kinojoy]

EMERGENCY PALESTINIAN GFM (1)

Hey everyone I'm making more Palestinian gfm list that has contacted me who have medical emergency or needed fund to evacuated.

More link bellow 👇👇

Sandy and Ahmed.

2k/70k

Sereen and her children have Hepatitis and Stomach infections. Sereen have eye infection because of the smoke of the flames and Ahmed hair turns white. Not to mention the condition of the tents along the bugs invasion that could kill them any time. They needed the funds for medical recovery.

Mohammad Almanasra

15k/40k

Mohammed have Asthma that needed expensive meds to survives. Him and his 3 children need to go back and forth from the hospital because of the deadly insect bite.

Hala's Family

9k/50k

Hala struggle to find water, foods, baby formula and diapers for her 3 year old child. She needed money for evacuations. Update, her house just got destroyed.

https://gofund.me/da3cc66a

Sally and Ala.

254/30k

5k/50k

Sally and Ala is sisters. Ala have twin boys while Sally have 3 childrens and have lost their incomes while living in a tents that lack of basic necessities such as medicine and food. Recently Sally's house has got bombed that taken her husband's family life. Her son Hassan haven't got vaccine yet. They needed the funds for basic necessities.

Jana

11k/60k

Jana is 14 year old artist, his father is a dermatologist and venereologist who clinic got destroyed. Unfortunately he also have heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure. They have 6 family member. They needed fund to evacuated also crestor, plavix 75 and insulin for his father.

Sahar's Family

19k/50k

Sahar is 14 year old child with 8 family member. They lost their house and the gym they owned, they have live in a tent since then. They needed the funds to evacuates asap.

Siraj's Family

4k/82k

Siraj and her children house got bombed. Right now she lived in a very small tent that lack of basic necessities. She needed the funds to rebuild their house and for basic necessities.

Nozha.

2k/18k

Nozha study at pharmacy unfortunately her university has been destroyed and she unable to gain her bachelor degree. She also lost her job and needed the fund to evacuated to egypt.

Ahmed Sarhan's Nephew

25k/50k

Ahmed the oldest, manage to evacuated to egypt however. Yousef (9) and Karim (5) stuck in gaza and need evacuations along with his family. Yousef begin to have nightmares and keep waking up in the night due to the fear of explosion while Karim who once lively becomes withdrawn and anxious.

[theygender]

Been going through it for over a month now and let me tell you. I'm not having a good time

Early-mid July a heat wave knocked out our AC and me, my partner, and the cats were stuck in an apartment with temps in the high 80s for about two days

I got some minor heat sickness and my cat started coughing

Heat sickness kicked off my IBS which dehydrated me and eventually led to migraines which all lasted for over a week after the heat wave ended

Took my cat to the vet (while still dealing with sickness + migraines) and found out she probably has asthma which was set off by the heat. They gave her a steroid shot

Went to the doctor for my own sickness and decided to ask about my severely ingrown toenail at the same time. I'm told I need toe surgery

Got toe surgery the very next day and it turns out recovering from toe surgery sucks

Cat has stopped coughing but is instead having intense sneezing fits now and pawing at her nose constantly, clearly much sicker

Took her back to the vet (while still recovering from toe surgery) and learned that cats just inherently have dormant hepatitis, and stressful situations/other illnesses can cause a flare up which leads to an upper respiratory infection

They prescribe nose drops + medicine treats for me to give to her 3-4 times a day. Surprisingly (/s), she hates the nose drops

File claims for both of those appointments + tests + medicine with my pet insurance

Endometriosis sees me dealing with all this and as a disorder that's made worse with stress it decides to join in on the action. It resurrects my period from the grave that my meds dug for it over two years ago

In case that wasn't bad enough, it also gives me a yeast infection. I go to the doctor and get medicine for it

As soon as the yeast infection symptoms start to go away they're replaced with what seems to be UTI symptoms. UTIs generally devolve very quickly into non-stop vomiting for me. I'm living in fear until I can get a test done

(UPDATE: The tests don't work when you're on your period apparently. Guess I gotta go back to the doctor again before I can get any answers)

I haven't even looked at the bills for my own medical tests or the toe surgery yet and frankly I'm scared to. At least I should be getting some money back from my pet insurance claim

Pet insurance tells me that they won't pay out my claim until I provide proof that the pet insurance policy I had with a previous company over FIVE YEARS AGO was canceled. I don't keep records longer than five years. I don't even remember the name of the company

All of my coworkers got laid off last week so I'm sad and lonely at work now and I have to adjust to a new work environment during all of this and I can't really take much time off anymore

I'm still sick and worried I'll get sicker but I don't know how to ask my new boss "hey what should I do if I hypothetically start projectile vomiting tomorrow" without it sounding suspicious

With all this other stuff going on, my college semester also started back up TODAY

I got a notification from my school that I have over $5000 due bc the company that pays for my tuition as part of my employee benefits just. Didn't pay off my spring semester it seems. So now I gotta figure that out

Somewhere in the middle of this I had some sort of mental breakdown and discovered that my normal-level nervous anxiety has evolved into critical-level constant terror anxiety

Reached out to my mom who had anxiety so bad when my brother and I were growing up that it played a large part in ruining our childhoods. She confirmed that it sounds like what she has

It started when she was just a few years older than me and she still has it at the age of 55. Normal anxiety meds don't work for it. I may have to convince my psychiatrist to prescribe me narcotics now if I ever want to go back to normal again

This has all been so much. Like can I PLEASE just get a fucking break here 😭

[themultifandomgal]

Matt Casey- Fight For Us Pt1 (rewritten)

YN and Matt have been married now for 5 years. They have a little girl together who is the spitting image of YN, but has her dads mannerisms . They love one another, they truly do, but after their best friend Andy Darden died they drifted apart. YN Andy and Severide all went to school together. They've known each other since kindergarten and been best friends since. Matt really struggled with the loss of his Andy, blamed himself for his death, your best friends death, which led to pushing his wife away.

Things have been getting better for the pair and for the first time in 2 months they are finally in a good place again. Of course they're both still dealing with the loss of one of their best friends but they know that together they will get through it.

"I wish you and Kelly would sort out what's going on between you both" I sigh washing up the breakfast bowels while mine and Matts 5 year old daughter is getting ready for school

"Yeah well he's blaming me for Andy's death"

"I know and I'll speak with him, but we were best friends. All wanted to go through the academy together. If it wasn't for my asthma I wouldn't be a paramedic"

"The best paramedic" I pass the bowels to Matt to dry and raise my eyebrows

"Dont change the subject. Look all I'm saying is Kelly is angry, upset, hell we all are, but he needs to blame someone and if it's not you it will be himself. At least you can take it"

"Momma I'm ready" Ella calls from the hallway

"I'm coming" I call back "I'll drop Ella off at school. I'll see you in a bit" I peck Matt on the lips and turn to move, but before I can get to our daughter he pulls me back to him

"We're good aren't we?" he asks looking into my eyes

"Course we are" I give him another kiss then leave the house with Ella.

Almost immediately after I arrive at the firehouse we're on a call, a huge car accident has happened. I run over to one car where there's a little girl inside just a little older than Ella

"Hi sweetie I'm YN. Can you tell me your name?" I ask

"Madeline"

"Ok, listen, Madeline, I want you to see if you can

turn your head toward me" the little girl does as I ask. She has a huge gash on the side of her head. Once the mom is out I jump into the car through the drivers side "hey, your going to be ok"

"It's dumping gas" mouch shouts as the car in front starts to flam. Madeline starts to whimper

"We're ok. Look my partners coming now to help me get you out" Leslie opens up the door and starts to move the little girl out

"Wait. Her jugular" I take out my stethoscope "Muffled heart sounds.It's Becks triad" I give Leslie a worried look as she picks Madeline up

"Come on, sweetie" Leslie puts Madeline in the back of the ambo. I jump in with her while Leslie shuts the doors and speeds towards Med.

Thankfully we get her to the hospital in time.

"Was the little girl ok?" Ella asks

"Yes luckily she was"

"My momma and daddy are superhero's" this makes me chuckle. I glance at her in the mirror, she's sat in her car seat swinging her feet with a huge smile on her face. I pull up the the fire house when Ella asks "will grandpa be here?"

"Yes angel he will" I reply turning the car off and jumping out. I open up the car door and help her out of her seat

"And daddy?"

"Yes and daddy and uncle Kelly"

"Daddy and uncle Kelly don't like each other any more. Why?" Ella asks taking my hand in hers as we walk past the trucks

"They do like each other, it's just their jobs make it a little harder to be friends. Remember Kelly was my best friend before I met daddy"

"And uncle Andy" she stops and points to a picture we now have up of him. I lift her up into my arms

"Yes and uncle Andy"

"I miss him momma"

"I know, so do I. And. So does uncle Kelly and daddy. Which is why they are having a little argument now" I place a kiss on her forehead when I hear a familiar voice

"YN you best hurry up, Casey's cooking" Severide says smiling with hands on his hips

"Uncle Kelly!" Ella practically jumps out of my arms and into her godfathers arms

"You hungry little one?"

"Yes! Momma can we have some food?"

"Yes angle. Course we can" I follow behind Severide and see Matt behind the kitchen counters. Dad, also known as chief Boden gets up from the table and walks over to me giving me a hug "hi dad"

"I'll bring a plate over for you and one for Ella" Matt says to me grabbing 3 plates. Severide places Ella down and she runs holding my dads hands to sit next to him. I then watch the awkward interaction between Severide and my husband. Not only is Matt blaming himself for Andy's death, but so is my best friend. I look over at my dad for some guidance, but he just sighs and gives me a small smile

"I bet uncle Andy would have wanted us to all be friends" the room falls silent. Trust the child to make everyone uncomfortable. I watch as Severide takes an orange and walk out of the room "momma did I upset uncle Kelly"

"No angel. He'll be ok"

Later that evening were called out during the night to a building fire. Matt and Herrmann both are knocked out during their search but thankfully Kelly manages to get them both out with the help of the others. So the rest of our shift was spent in the emergency room waiting to hear how Herrmann is doing since he was worse off.

[pleasedontgethurt]

// *peeks shyly*

Uh... hi?

How's everyone doing? :D

Not back or anything, just lurking and looking around and wondering why it is so empty here. Has everyone left? (I hope not)

But yeah, as for me, life's kind of caught up with me. Gotten into other interests. Moved a couple of times, got a couple new nieces so 4 nephlings in total now :3

Also had a new job, some new hobbies, and doing a lot of volunteer work. It's nice.

On a less nice tone, sadly the older one of my cats had to be put down a few months ago due to a myriad of old age related health issues that weren't going to get any better and there was only so much you can do to alleviate the symptoms. She did make it past 17 years though so it's not all bad. Been considering about getting a new kitten, but we'll see.

On the positive side, my health has improved by a lot over time, in some areas. Such as, I can eat a lot of the stuff again I wasn't able to for the longest time. I no longer need constant stomach medicine. But it turns out I have some allergies so I just gotta be mindful about those.

Also mentally I feel I'm doing considerably better than I used to. Probably can't say I'm 100% healthy but the majority I feel is behind me. Just finished up reading some of my older posts from years ago and I must say I can't even begin to describe how messed up I was back then. I want to formally apologize to everyone about how I behaved back then. I can see now how a lot of the stuff that I said came out very wrong and probably wasn't very healthy.

But reading those, I also discovered something interesting. Remember when I used to say I was so exhausted I had trouble breathing? Well, turns out I had ASTHMA. Don't remember if I mentioned about that here. But yeah, ever since I got appropriate meds for that and especially since I moved out and found an apartment that doesn't have issues with the air quality as much, I've been feeling much better, both mentally and physically. Not perfect, but a lot better.

But yeah, decided to just drop in and say a quick hello in case anyone wondered where I was.

Can't promise I will be active here again. Turns out taking a long break from Tumblr was needed to help regain my mental health back in a better shape. But I might pop by from time to time.

Anyway. I hope you're all doing okay and that everything will be okay with whatever might be going on with you. It's been a tough few years for many, I imagine. If you see this, I'd love to hear from you.

[dreamersbcll]

Picture this Sam’s been having a hard week. The conspiracy theorist have been extra crazy, she quit yet another therapist, her boss has been giving her hell and to top it off she ran out of her meds and there’s a shortage in her area so she has to wait a few days to get some. Cut to Tara catching Sam yelling at someone who isn’t there. Both of them not sure how to continue.

I freestyled a bit. But enjoy.

————————————————-

“¡Joder! ¡¡No puedo tener ni un puto segundo de paz!” she cursed, pushing herself through the front door.

Sam threw her keys and purse on the floor and went to the bathroom. She needed a fucking shower. She needed to get out of her goddamn diner outfit. She needed to be fucking sedated.

What a fucking awful day. First, Tara has a massive asthma attack, landing them in the ER at two am. Then that stupid conspiracy theorist is going on about Sam being the original killer in 1996. And finally, she can’t get her meds until the next business day- and today was Friday.

The universe was again punishing her for being a child of Billy Loomis.

Speaking of Billy, he was right behind her, watching her remove her makeup in the mirror.

“Una maldita pesadilla. Can I help you, asshole?” she swore, staring down her father with a soiled makeup wipe.

He just grinned back at her, the blood on his shirt dripping onto her carpet. “You know I don’t speak Spanish. That was all your mother- not me. But it's good to see you take after both parents. You know, killing people and speaking Spanish. This split suits you, Sam,”.

She slammed her hand down, ignoring how her father’s grin grew at the action. “Fuck you, Billy. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for you. ¡Yo no pedí nada de esta mierda!”.

Shrugging, her father leaned in next to her ear. She shivered at the gesture. It felt like he was right next to her ear. She could practically hear him breathing.

“Yet you’re doing such a good job. I’m so proud of you, Samantha,” he crooned, a wicked smile nearly splitting his face.

Next thing she knew, she had glass in her knuckles and blood splashing onto her toothbrush. Fuck. Another mirror. That was going to be hard to replace again. Tara almost found out about the last ones.

“Fuck,” she whispered, looking over the cut-up hand.

She looked back to the spidered mirror, paling at the face staring back at hers. It wasn’t just her haunted face. It was her little sister, staring at her with wide eyes.

Turning around slowly, she spoke very softly, as if not to spook Tara. “Tara. Mi amor. Esto no es lo que piensas, ¿vale?”

Tara just shook her head slightly, swallowing a bit. She looked, well, sad. Not horrified or bewildered, just sad. It was unnerving to see her sister that way. It didn’t feel right.

“Sammy? ¿Con quién estabas hablando?” her sister spoke, equally as soft.

The two stared at each other, the air still. Neither breathed. Neither spoke.

Until Sam broke the silence.

“Is this real? Are you real?”.

[krikeymate]

Sam calls Tara sweet girl

They learn to cook together

Tara hadn't started puberty when she came to live with Sam. That was a difficult thing to explain to someone with no background information on pretty much anything she needs to know.

Sam worries about what the future looks like for Tara, given her inability to be around people, however with her asthma, learning difficulties, and PTSD, she's covered under the ADA to receive disability once she turns 18, and Sam also benefits from a carer allowance.

Sam gets Tara an emotional support cat. It remains unnamed for 3 weeks, until Tara tells her the cat is called sam, and nothing Sam says will disuade her. Tara isn't ready to tell Sam how much she means to her and how safe and good she makes her feel, but she can tell sam.

When Tara feels especially anxious, Sam puts her in one of her hoodies/jackets to help her calm down.

Sam meets a woman named Kirby Reed at an AA meeting one day, turns out they have a lot in common.

Sam never thought her life would end up involving so many animated movies, but Tara loves them. They end up with several shelves full of them because Tara likes to hold them in her hands and look at the artwork.

Her hallucinations used to be only of her mother. In the aftermath of being attacked there's a period where she can't take her meds and they come back. Now that she knows about her father and the things her mother has done, they morph into Billy sometimes. They both like to talk about Tara, about how she's just going to be the next person to hurt her, that it's in her blood. It terrifies her in a way she's never felt before.

[ancient-reverie]

I'm a single parent of 6 and a half fur children. I have three cats, two rabbits, one chicken, and a fish tank. I also end up taking care of the family cat.

My oldest daughter (Nutmeg, Cat, 15) stays in my brother's room. He's not the best at looking after her, but he tries, he does love her.

My youngest boy (Kili, Cat, 3), has asthma. And my oldest boy (Harvey, Rabbit, 7)has a permanent head tilt that gives him chronic vertigo. Both of them take meds. Luckily the rabbit only takes them once a day instead of every 12 hours, and the cat is good at taking a pill and only needs it every other day and maybe his inhaler at night.

The birb (Honey, Chicken, 7?) is taken care of by my dad, she's the easiest one by far. We have a big 1 acre yard and my mom feeds the wild birds so there's always bugs and seed and grasses for her. We also feed her pellets and meal worms and veggies and other things. She's kind of spoiled besides being outside all the time. She's not house trained and it's too late for that. We make sure she has cool places to be, you should have seen her before I rescued her.

My other rabbit is my youngest girl (Nola, Rabbit, 5?) and she's a feisty bitch. Doesn't like people, is too mean to Harvey for them to interact since his head tilt. But she's happy lol so that's what matters.

My fish tank consists of 10-15 mosquito fish I caught from a nearby creek. I only caught about 5 but they turned out to all be the same species of different sexes wouldn't you know it... I used to have some leeches and snails too but eventually they died off. It's really exhausting to have. My mom refuses to help me clean it when I'm gone so any trips I take, the length of them depends on when I need to go home to clean my tank... But we're on idk what generation and luckily there haven't been anymore babies (or if there have been they've eaten them before I notice and that is okay with me at this point) but I've had the tank for 7 ish years or more and I wanna be done but I do enjoy them while they're here. I find dead ones from time to time, and I'm honestly shocked they even live this long, I mean they're minnows. I mean given the right conditions fish can live a long long time so... I'm doing something right I guess???

And the best and smartest boy last but certainly not least, is Zaboomafoo. My tuxedo cat. He just turned 5 in July. I got him hoping to be an emotional support buddy and he turned out to be just that. We were gonna travel and stuff but I hate leaving my house and I didn't want anything to happen to him so that idea went out the window. But whenever I'm sad he comes to make me feel better. He wants to know when I'm drinking alcohol. He checks on my throughout the day. Reminds me to eat food. He even plays fetch bc he knows I'm too tired to really play with him most of the time, but I can throw a toy he brings me. He picked me at the shelter. That's another story.

All my kids are rescues, and sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough for them, but to them this is so much better than where they came from they don't even care. I really do take care of them like kids, and boy is it exhausting.

[sheetsonfire]

Counting Breaths

Fandom: Chicago PD / Chicago Med

Characters: Jay Halstead, Halstead!Sibling

Genre: hurt/comfort

Warnings: asthma, mucus/phlegm

Word Count: 1927

Requested By Anonymous: Sibling!Reader x Jay Halstead x Will Halstead - I’m kinda basing this off of your Soccer Practice imagine. Feel free to accept or make it however you want - Something kinda like the reader staying over at either brother’s house and during the middle of the night has an asthma attack… -That’s all I got, just something very simple you could make into whatever if you want to. :)

A/N: I hope I could do this justice for you, anon!

-

It’s no surprise to you when the coughing wakes you up, your chest fighting against whatever was aggravating it so much. You’re hunched over as the constant coughing gives you no chance to even try and sit up, take a breath or press the ‘call’ button your brothers had installed in your room at both of their apartments. This time you were at Jay’s apartment, it was the weekend and Will was busy covering for Natalie so she could have a camping trip with her parents and Owen.

You feel your ribs start to ache in protest of the constant strain, your chest wall feeling sore as you take ragged breaths. Your eyes are watering and your head pounds, you know you’ll have burst blood vessels in your face in the morning, each of your nerves and muscles fighting together to get the irritation under control.

There’s a momentary pause in the coughing and you try and twist in bed to press your button, your hand is shaking as you pant, trying to calm down. Luckily for you there’s no need for the button to be reached as you suddenly hear Jay’s door opening and his quick footsteps towards you, the bedroom door opens and the lamp by your desk is flicked on.

“Hey, kiddo, I’m here.” He speaks softly, concern on his face as he already has the top drawer of your bedside table open, pulling out one small fabric pouch and a slightly larger one.

You’re taking shaky breaths, a slight wheeze to your breathing as you blink with stinging eyes.

“Hi-hi…” You try and smile but another round of coughs breaks the silence and you’re pushing against your chest to try and feel some reprieve from the pressure.

Jay sits on the edge of your bed, his hand is a warm and comforting weight as he rubs your back, letting you get it out for a minute, not liking the way you almost throw up from the aggravation on your body. Your body is wracked with tension until it subsides once again.

“Okay, here we go, let’s get the pemdi and spacer working together, alright?” You nod meekly, leaning into Jay’s body as he keeps you sitting upright. The ‘pemdi’ as Jay called it was actually called your pMDI inhaler, the inhaler that you could attach to the tube known as a ‘spacer’ so that you got your medicine more efficiently - Will had stressed the importance of always communicating with you what was happening, even if it was the hundredth time.

Like you had many times before you turn your head to the side, knowing you had to give your best exhale in order to inhale the steroids.

“Are you ready?” Jay asks, with a steady palm still against your upper back. 

You nod, nearing the maximum of your exhale.

“Okay, here we go…” He gently places the spacer over your mouth, 

“1, 2, 3.” He counts you down to the release of the medicine into the spacer, 

“Inhale, Y/N, deep and slow.” You do as instructed, instinctively closing your eyes as you focus on the inhale, taking every bit of your medication in as you feel the tightness in your chest give ever so slightly.

“Okay, now hold that for as long as you can, sweetheart.” Jay encourages, taking away the inhaler and spacer as he resumes the gentle motions on your back, kissing the side of your head. 

Jay waits patiently, counting silently as you get to 7 and then exhale again.

“Good, that’s good.” He soothes, smiling at you as you turn, dropping your head on his chest, wrapping your arms around him.

“Better?” He asks quietly, holding you as long as you needed.

“Better.” You sigh, focusing on maintaining those steady inhales and exhales, waiting in slight anticipation of another round of coughing.

“We’ll sit for a bit, just to make sure nothing’s starting back up again once you try to sleep. Here, scoot over.” Jay momentarily releases you as you make room for him on the bed, sitting against the mountain of pillows you used to prop yourself up.

He wraps an arm around you and you fall back into his side, feeling the comfort of his presence as always, he tugs the duvet back up over you, keeping you cosy in the chill of the room.

“Thanks, Jay-Jay…” You sigh, wrapping your arms around his middle, listening to his own steadily thudding heart. 

“Never a problem, Y/N, never.” He murmurs, kissing the top of your head, speaking once again in the quiet of the room, 

“Did you want to put on some Prehistoric Planet, just until we know for sure you can get back to sleep?” 

He feels you shift, you hum with peaked interest, you most definitely wanted to watch Prehistoric Planet even if you were half asleep.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He chuckles, snatching up the remote from the bedside table and turning on the TV, turning down the brightness a little to save both your eyes from the bright glare. 

Jay and Will had both got you a TV as presents one Christmas, knowing how sometimes you would have to be home from school because of your asthma, or up at strange times with nothing to do that wasn’t exerting energy. It had worked wonders for helping you feel a little calmer, and it meant you could rest in comfort and privacy rather than being in a lounge.

You had been sitting watching for all of 10 minutes when that familiar sensation bubbled up in your chest like poison suddenly spreading, immediately you were coughing, each cough getting more violent than the previous. Jay quickly sat right back up again, leaning you forward just a touch to keep you upright.

“Okay, it’s alright, just get it out, you got it.” Your big brother encouraged you, his own expression tense with concern. It was always a fear that these kinds of attacks would develop into something worse, like they had on other occasions, something that would require the hospital.

The attack subsides and you repeat the steps once more. Exhale, place spacer over the mouth, press the inhaler, inhale slowly, hold your breath, remove the spacer, exhaling when ready.

You sit, zoned out on your bed, catching your breath as your ribs protest the intense work they’re forced into. Jay sits for another five minutes, waiting to make sure you weren’t going to start up again immediately.

Your eyes are drooping, cuddled back up to your brother, feeling your mood dip a little at how exhausting this could be.

“Okay, good job, kiddo. I’m gonna get the rest of the stuff.”

You nod slightly, releasing Jay from your hold so he could get up.

You sit blankly watching the dinosaurs on screen before your big brother returns, holding the items you needed on a tray.

“Here we go.” He smiles reassuringly, stroking a thumb over your forehead and down your nose, a motion that had relaxed you since you were a baby. 

“First, let’s rinse and spit.” He instructs, handing you the water as he holds a bowl beneath you. It was important to not let the steroids sit in your mouth after inhaling, as that could lead to irritation and other problems.

You rinse your mouth and spit, then take the glass for a few real, soothing, sips.

“Okay, now let’s do the decongestant.” Jay sits for this one, shaking the spray bottle for a count of ten. He then presses the trigger for the spray until he can see the mist, the sign that it was ready to use.

Next, he plucks a few tissues from the box beside your bed, handing them to you. You wordlessly blow your nose, ridding yourself of the mucus and then clear your throat into another tissue to release the phlegm that had built up too. You make a noise of disgust, another thing you were not a fan of when dealing with all of this.

“I know, I’m so sorry. It really sucks, kid.” Jay squeezes your shoulder, handing you the bin to put the tissues in the trash. He then passes you some sanitiser and you make sure to thoroughly cover your hands.

“Right, I think we’re good, you ready?” You nod, yawning, “Ready, Jay.”

“Almost there, Y/N, you’re doing great.” Jay encourages, testing the nasal spray one more time before asking you to tilt your head forward. 

“Okay, hold the other nostril closed whilst I do this one. Remember, breathe in gently, no hard snort.” You giggle, remembering the very first time you and Jay had done this together and the spray had gone up your nose way too harshly, Will was not pleased. 

Your brother has a smile on his face too, shaking his head as he knows you’re remembering the same occasion as he is. Angling the nozzle just right, he counts once more. 

“Okay, on 3. 1, 2, 3…” Jay sprays and you breathe in slow, the sensation is weird but not the worst. 

“Exhale through your mouth.” Jay prompts, you exhale slow. You were starting to feel a lot better with the different exercises and treatments.

“Let’s do the other one, okay?” 

You nod, glad to feel a bit more attached to reality now. “Okay.”

The process is repeated with the other nostril, and you’re relieved when it doesn’t drip from your nose or down your throat, it meant you’d done it right and there would be no gross taste or sensation in your mouth. 

“Good job. Okay, now just the preventative and then I think we should try going back to sleep, what do you think?” Jay brushes his fingers through your wild bed hair, smoothing down the fly away hairs, squeezing you in a gentle one-armed hug.

“Sounds good, I’m sleepy as heck.” And as if on cue, your body produces a loud yawn, resting your head on Jay again. Jay smiles, kissing your forehead, he loved you so much.

“Let’s get this last thing done, then you’re free to sleep for as long as you need. And I was thinking we could play Mario Kart later, maybe order lunch and watch a movie? You can pick.” 

You lift your head, excitement on your face, “Yes please, that sounds awesome.” 

“That’s settled then, let’s do your preventative, and then we can sleep.”

Jay switches out the inhalers, getting you to repeat the same process as before with the different canister. When it’s all done your brother moves all the paraphernalia off your bed, you do another rinse and spit before shuffling down to half lay and half sit against your pillows, watching him with fluttering eyes. 

Jay turns the TV back off and hands you your giant Triceratops plushy, his name was Terry. This was a gift from Adam who had gone to the trouble of finding a hypoallergenic comfort toy that wouldn’t aggravate your asthma.

“Okay, goodnight, kiddo. I love you, and if you don’t feel good, just press the ‘call’ button, alright?” 

You nod as you clutch Terry to you, enjoying the soft and smooth material beneath your fingers, sinking into the pillows as Jay turns off the lights, leaving the door ajar in case you needed him. “Night, Jay-Jay, love you…” You mumble already a third of the way to your dreams.

He makes a mental note to shoot Will a text and just keep him updated, Jay gives you one last adoring glance before heading back to his own room.

-

Fin.

@dumb-fawkin-bitch

[catch-the-wind]

when reader is sick hc's p2

PART 2 IS FINISHED WHOO

here's a link to part 1 uwu

so i'm still brainrotting over this and i would like to date almost every character rn~ i probably won't add more to this unprompted but if anyone wants a part 2 just shoot me an ask! <3

tags: gn!reader, xiao x reader, zhongli x reader, ningguang x reader, beidou x reader, kazuha x reader, amber x reader, keqing x reader, venti x reader, scaramouche x reader, thoma x reader

xiao

this man is so awkward goodbye

he’s really popping into the kitchen of wangshu inn like mr. smiley yanxiao i need an order of almond tofu and uhh whatever the hell it is sick people eat

asks cloud retainer if there’s a medicinal thing she’s created and hey can you fix my s/o

meanwhile his s/o is like xiao- xiao- XIAO- it’s a COLD i’ll SURVIVE, stop leaving me to find solutions and just come cuddle

so xiao cuddles <3 he’ll read to his partner but it’s likely he’s also just sitting there in silence holding his s/o

he likes the companionship, doesn’t talk much. comfy silence all around

his partner probably falls asleep on him at some point but he’s okay with it

he probably watches his partner while they rest and he’s super frowny because he hates seeing them in pain :(

but also the gentle forehead kisses while his partner rests <3

he tells zhongli that he needs time to be with his s/o while they’re ill. he makes it sound like his partner is dying which is...overdramatic but also he just wants to dote on them and make sure they’re okay

he asks verr goldet what things a sick person might want while his partner rests and then he tries to kinda sorta subtly ask for help getting them

tries to dote on his partner subtly but he’s so grumpy all the time LOL

n e ways he gives his partner smooches and cuddles and that’s all that matters uwu

zhongli

he doesn’t even have to really say it to hu tao, she just knows he’s about to ask for a few days off. he does ask, ofc bc he’s following the protocols of social etiquette

he goes to his partner’s home or they’re in his for the entire time they’re sick

has a shopping list of foods for a sick person, also gets tea

has no mora to purchase anything on his shopping list so he hits up tartaglia LMAO

tartaglia comes w zhongli just to visit zhongli’s s/o

hu tao also comes to visit zhongli and co but he’s so wary of her because is she about to pull a prank- really she just brings him some tea he likes and wishes his s/o well <3 she probably sings to them too but it’s a little creepy if you listen to the lyrics LOL

this man is not reading his partner stories, they’re getting histories, pov morax. he knows so many little details that are lost in time but are kept safely in his memories

the man works out, tell me otherwise. he may choose his own body and he knows he has cake but the man works out and trains. he’s a god of WAR and he keeps himself in good shape. n e way he works out in the living room or backyard while his s/o is sick and he trains w just a shirt and pants and he’s so pretty aHEm i think my asthma is acting up again hang on

okay but muscles rippling and you can see it through the clothes that aren’t even that tight BUT BRO WHY ARE YOU GRUNTING SO MUCH PLEASE NO ONE ELSE DOES

would probably get his partner toys and such and one of them is a little dragon <3 give it smooches every day

he’s distracted when he answers hu tao or the adepti because he’s thinking ab his partner instead

ningguang

the frown on her face when she finds out PHEW

she takes her partner’s temperature with the back of her hand and she’s all frowny all day. ganyu is lowkey concerned bc what’s the matter with lady ningguang-

her partner stays in ningguang’s home and she’s working from home for a while <3 there are millelith guards and members of the qixing popping into her home office and even beidou once or twice. bei is also worried ab ning’s partner, but she’s doing the hearty slap on the back and the “get well soon!”

ningguang ordering food from wanmin and xiangling personally delivering it <3 xiangling and guoba are both showing up with some hot soup and guoba is there for cuddles pls he’s so cute

ningguang will read to her partner, probably tells them about her day and entertains small talk until they fall asleep

she cooks some of her qiankun mora meat and tries to make her partner soup <3 the millelith and the qixing have never seen their tianquan in a kitchen working before but she would only ever do it for the people she loves

keqing is in the corner quietly shipping while munching golden shrimp balls goodbye

i think ningguang respects ganyu too much to force her to run around for stuff but ganyu probably likes ning’s partner enough to do it anyway

ning and cuddles and temple kisses and she won’t give her partner smooches on the lips :( but she’s soft for them so they get cheek kisses and spooning them to sleep

beidou

she stays at her partner’s place while they’re sick because the crux might make them feel seasick instead

but she goes back and forth to the crux to get her things and take care of business and such. her crew probably loves her partner so they have things for bei to bring back <3

bei doesn’t even leave her partner’s town but she’s got sango pearls, cecilias, qingxin, cor lapis jewelry, dendrobiums (even though those are like. blood flowers. they’re pretty it’s fine) and many many fruits

xiangling comes by with food for bei and co and sticks around to hear beidou telling her partner stories about her time at sea

beidou is. she’s so buff okay. she carries her partner in and out of the room and to the living room or kitchen or brings everything to her partner and you can see how defined her muscles are bye i’m in love with her

we already know bei learned to cook a little bit from xiangling but beidou is absolutely learning to cook more while her partner is sick. xiangling is there giving her cooking lessons while beidou’s partner watches <3 bei with that look of concentration and she’s so quick with the knives too i’m- okay but her spoonfeeding her partner?? *chef’s kiss* ;)

beidou puts too much pepper in a dish and it deffo clears sinuses LMAO but she tried and it actually does taste very good if you can handle your spice 🤷‍♀️ i cannot so find me with a gallon of milk later

n e ways beidou cuddles her partner to sleep and falls asleep as soon as she knows they’re resting <3 many cuddles and many kisses, even if they insist not to because cooties will get u sick bei 🥺

visits bubu’s pharmacy to get her partner’s medicine herself but also has remedies from other places too! zhongli deffo helps her with some other gifts for convalescents so it’s historically, traditionally and socially acceptable

kazuha

is so worried omg

wherever his ass is, he’s going to his partner as soon as he finds out they’re sick. he’s so frowny and worried it’s almost cute but also,,,kazu it’s a cold, it’s FINE

he goes to collect qingxin and sweet flowers and stuff himself and makes his own poultices and soups and such <3

he shows up at his partner’s home with arms and buckets of flowers and herbs as soon as he possibly can. bei understands if he has to go tho, she gives him leave uwu

makes his partner soup and dried fish and gives them many smooches <3 they are not allowed out of bed LOL they just have to stay there and wait for him to dote on them

many many cuddles and smooches. he plays leaves and grass and recites poems for them he’s so cute <3 sigh, this man plays grass and i’m out here simping

also comes bearing gifts from wherever he was last tho. if he was on the crux, he’s probably got gifts from beidou and the crew even if they don’t really know kazu’s partner, they just know he’s happy and that’s what matters. if he’s not on the crux, his boss probably gives him leave and a gift or smth even if it’s just like a tea or a bottle of wine or smth

he’ll cuddle and be a blanket. but he’s also got fabrics that beidou picked up in inazuma and he uses that as a blanket for his partner <3

will tell his s/o stories of his childhood, his time wandering, his time with the crew, his work. anything they want to know or have questions about, he’ll tell them.

forehead kisses, temple kisses, holding his partner’s hand and pressing a kiss to the back of their hand ugh i love him

deffo gets sick because he can’t deny his partner smooches on the lips smh. and then it’s his partner’s turn to play nursemaid

the crew from the crux probably drops by to check on kazoo man and co. they bring some regional delicacies and blankets and their best cold remedies with a slap on the back for kazu and a gentler pat for his partner. like w ningguang’s partner, bei probably gives kazu’s s/o a hearty slap but it’s not enough to hurt them

anyway i’m in love with him

amber

she’s so worried she’s such a sweetie omg

she goes to her partner immediately and fusses over them before they have to gently tell her that they’re fine

she goes to collect sweet flowers and stuff and goes to ohm, albedo and barbara for help making medicines and such

doesn’t want to leave her duties unattended to but jean also knows that amber wants to be with her s/o so she tells amber that she has fewer duties for her <3

jean tells kaeya to go make sure amber is doing okay and doesn’t need help or anything so he drags ohm, diluc, albedo and lisa too LOL

lisa was planning on going anyway, she just used diluc to carry her books w this opportunity <3 albedo is just treating amber’s partner w meds and potions and things and lisa takes a peek at that too

she’s so sad she doesn’t have ohm’s super cold skin so she can’t be a human cooling pack for her partner </3 but she gives them many smooches on cheeks and foreheads and temples

barely resists giving her partner kisses on the lips bc she still wants to go to work but also wants to give her partner what they need and sigh. it’s a struggle for amber

she wears pajamas and cuddles with her s/o <3

cooks her partner some (fully cooked!!) meals, not her specialty steak. but she makes soup and goes to good hunter and gets good hot food there too

keqing

wants to take some time off to help her partner feel better but also doesn’t want to leave work. ningguang probably sends her home at some point because she’s fretting and working and stop feeling so bad keqing, you have sick days

she still goes to work but she’s just taking marginally shorter days sigh, she goes home early instead but brings work home so she can do it while sitting with her partner

wears leisure clothes when at home with her partner but the fact that she has clothes she doesn’t use for work is shocking LMAO the cat ears stay tho ;) catgirl always

ganyu comes by with keqing’s work, some wanmin takeout and a card and gift for her partner <3

xiangling hears that keqing is home with her partner while they’re sick and brings food over to keqing’s. she’s got extra golden shrimp balls for keqing. AND AGAIN. GUOBA CUDDLES ❤️❤️❤️

keqing feels so bad for not doing as much work, she’s making herself almost as sick as her partner </3

ningguang comes over one night with beidou while keqing is doing work in bed while her partner is resting and she sees keqing stressed as all hell. she just gives keqing some food and tells her to actually rest. soft!ning and bei being moms god i love them

okay but keqing tucking her partner in with a sweet kiss before retreating to her work in the corner, the lamps turned to the lowest they can possibly be because keqing refuses to leave her beloved but can’t not do work

keqing trying to cook food for her partner that isn’t meant specifically for survival but for taste is so cute. she’s trying to cook golden shrimp balls and soup and stuff and she’s not bad at it! she took a single night of giving her s/o hot tea and some wanmin soup before she learned the whole cookbook so she can be the one to cook for them <3

venti

he brings his partner wine u cannot tell me otherwise

he goes to diluc’s. not the tavern but straight up dawn winery and asks diluc if he can get a bottle of wine for his s/o and please please please he’ll go fight some of those slimes for you, please? with the big 🥺 and staying outside diluc’s window to beg bye

diluc just gives him the wine with a glare but won’t make venti do the commission <3 venti legit says “thank barbatos” and gives diluc an ~ehe~ before he gets ready to glide away. he turns around and asks diluc if he’s sure he can’t do the comm but diluc just glares at him all broody~

diluc comes by to check on venti’s partner too bc where does venti live- venti is just camping out at his partner’s place for now and feeding them and giving them wine and diluc just kinda goes a little pink but glares while he says “get well soon” and leaves a windwheel aster from near the winery

venti makes soup and many vegetable/fruity foods because “they’re good for you! have some wine with that ehe”

jean comes by at some point with barbara to check on venti and co. they’ve got other foods and some hydro healing for venti’s partner <3

ohm comes over to see his friend and brings him some medicines, food and wine. he gets to witness the anemo god get all soft and squooshy for his s/o it’s so sweet

he uses anemo to entertain his partner with some gentle breezes playing through leaves <3 but he also plays his lyre for them and gives them smooches in between and during songs because he’s a god ofc he isn’t gonna get sick, pay the bard with kisses. and where’s his gratuity :( 😗

he doesn’t read to his s/o but he does tell them stories with a musical accompaniment. sometimes his partner will fall asleep so he just smiles so softly and tucks them in and continues playing his lyre at the window while they sleep <3

but also brushing his partner’s hair back and giving them a kiss on the forehead please i love my beloved kinnie

n e ways venti forehead smooches and playing the lyre for his s/o <3 no cough meds ehe, just dandelion wine and whatever ohm gave him (that was, in fact, the cough medicine)

scaramouche

bro this dude looks like he CANNOT be assed but he really cares <3<3

his work schedule doesn’t change but he’s going to his s/o’s home super often with soup and food and medicine and extra blankets

even to his partner, scara looks broody but he always looks like that LOL

tartaglia finds out where scara is going and he brings food and toys and stuff too <3 scara later has to read one of the kids books tartaglia brought and he refuses to voices but it’s very sweet anyway

scara probably asks sandrone if his doctor brother can get him some good cold medicine but would never admit that he asked ohm for help LOL. ohm shows up anyway and finds out <3

can and will cook soup but that’s all you’re getting from him. the takeout he brought is most definitely not something he made, no sir’am he would never do something as soft as cook for them. soup doesn’t count, it’s oboiling water with some added flavor, shut up tartagalicious he’s not soft

will give his partner kisses only after he thinks they’re asleep. refuses to give them any affection besides a headpat or two and maybe one hug when he shows real concern. his partner isn’t quite yet asleep one time and then feigns sleeping when they hear scara’s whispered “i love you” and he presses a kiss to their forehead 🥺❤️

he takes off his hat inside the house but will go around with a blanket around his shoulders to mock his partner smh. the blanket is on his head like a hood and he fake sniffles with an almost derisive laugh but he gives his partner a real smile at the end <3

9/10 times will never admit that he’s soft unless it’s a Very Serious Moment but he’s a squishy dood for his s/o and his s/o only

will not read or sing to his partner but he’ll sorta cuddle if they ask very nicely and many times. it’s just kind of him sitting next to them and they kind of have to muzzle before he’ll move his arm for his own comfort LMAO

will bring his partner gifts and food, a few flowers but he’ll just claim he’s delivering it from someone else with a look of fake disgust </3 maybe like two of those are actually from other ppl and not him

when his partner is actually feeling really sick, he won’t be a big smol meanie and he actually looks so concerned~ his partner means a lot to him and he doesn’t want them to feel sick or in pain so he’ll cuddle them unprompted and rub their back, run his hand thru their hair, soft forehead and temple kisses and “i’m here, baby” and “i love you” and falling asleep with his partner tucked under his chin <3 he’s actually so sweet bye 😭

thoma

thoma feels so bad when his partner is sick. it isn’t even his fault but he feels so bad because he wants to protect them, even from tiny little germs 😭 i’m sorry u can’t be my immune system thoma it’s FINE

he asks to take off work and ayaka just kinda sighs but smiles and waves a hand to dismiss him bc yes ofc you can, simp

ayato just laughs when he sees this LMAO BYE

thoma’s partner stays at his home, in his bed or a guest room (idk if he has his own place or stays w the kamisatos as their literal live-in maid but anyway)

his partner gets his care, any doctors or caretakers around ritou, the medic from the crux, the kamisato family doctor- this man is using some of his favors for medicine and then cuddling his s/o, ugh i want to date him sm

both kamisatos come by with some food for thoma and co but poor ayato can’t even keep his grin contained, poor thoma is conditioned to be nervous ab what ayato feeds him LOL

he’s cooking for his partner, legit gives them a list of options and an “anything you want, my love?”

cuddles his s/o even tho they might protest but it takes like 0.2 seconds to stop protesting bc that man is comfy

tells his partner stories about what it was like back home in mondstadt and his journey to inazuma and why he’s there as well as his stories about all the different kinds of people he’s met

taroumaru coming w kozue to the kamisato estate to get some hot tea to thoma 🥺 and the cuddles and nuzzles from this great doggo for thoma before he turns to his partner too 😭 straight up jumps in the bed and licks their faces a little before nuzzling in for a hug

n e way thoma gives a lot of hugs and kisses and cuddles and i think he’s hella touchy-feely and misses home and treasures his partner even more because of it

my beautiful red shield ❤️

[giorno-plays-piano]

Vicious

Part IX

Pairing: Steve x reader, Bucky x reader, Thor x reader, Loki x reader, Peter x reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, stalking, possessiveness, theft, all characters are adults.

Words: 1574.

Summary: Transferring to Stark Academy that has only allowed to take in female students last semester, you realize you are just one of three young women among hundreds of students. Your things are constantly being stolen, and soon you begin fearing for your safety.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V |  Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII

________

You didn't know what else to say, feeling ashamed. Who cared about your family circumstances? Definitely not Steve Rogers, a man you met just a couple of weeks ago and who knew nothing about you. Why did you say something like that in the first place?

You didn't wanna look at his face and see him feeling guilty because he didn't know how to comfort you. You didn't need to be comforted. You didn't need anything at all. It was just a simple cold, right?

Despite that, you suddenly started talking from beneath your blankets, "I have a younger brother. When he was born, we found out he was having severe asthma. His childhood was terrible, he had constantly been sick, I remember him being in and out the hospital all the time. Of course, because of his condition, my parents spent most of the time with him. He was just a little sick kid."

You hated yourself for talking, for showing something to Steve he shouldn't have known because he wasn't your friend, but you couldn't force yourself to stop.

"On the other hand, I am lucky to have good health. I didn't really got very sick, so, well, I didn't need help like my brother. So, I'm used to taking of myself. I'm a big girl, I don't need my mom to dance around me just because I have a cold."

Of course, you didn’t. You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, and even of Steve didn't show up, you'd be alright by yourself. You'd just take your acetaminophen, and then everything would be ok.

You kept silent, staring at the inside of the blanket and wishing Steve would just disappear, leaving you to your misery. You didn’t see his face, and you were glad you didn't. What he must think about you? That you were craving for his attention like a spoiled kid? Shit, it was so embarrassing. You were an adult, for goodness sake!

"I don't know about you, but when I had a flu sachet, it would make me fall asleep really quick. And when I was feeling sleepy, I would start thinking about the things I loved most because I hoped I would see them in a dream." Instead of feeling ever more ashamed, you listened to Steve's soft voice and thought you were lucky it was him being here with you now. "It actually worked, and I have been having my best dreams when I was asleep, sick. What are the things you love most?"

Surprised, you looked up at him and saw the most gentle expression on a face of a guy you had ever met. Why did he look at you like that? Why was there no pity on his face? Why was it making you cry like you were a ten year old kid? Before he could see anything, you hid beneath the blanket again and kept silent for a couple of moments to calm down.

"I love lemon pies my grandma used to make me, and her garden. She had tomatoes and cabbage and strawberries that smelled like summer. I loved watering them nearly every day because I thought I was a little forest witch who lived in her pretty cottage in the woods."

You didn't know why you were telling him this, but Steve has a strange effect on you. Or was it cold? You had no idea, but it didn’t really matter. All you were thinking about was the way fresh tomatoes smell when you'd leaned down to water them, and the sound of bees flying above strawberry's flowers. Your grandma was taking care of her cabbage - a very capricious guest in her garden - and you could hear her working, cursing grandpa for making the patches too wide in that funny voice of hers. Then she'd stood up, wiped the sweat with the back of her hand, and called you to come back to the cottage because if was time for dinner. You'd run to wash your hands in a barrel of water near the big apple tree when grandma didn't see, and soon you were sitting with her, eating her famous cabbage soup and then having a piece of a lemon pie because you worked so well today.

You could almost feel the taste on the tip of your tongue.

By the time you woke up, Steve was long gone: it was the middle of the night, and instead of him you saw a thermos with a still warm chicken soup on a chair, waiting for you. He sent you a message that you could call him at any time of the day - or night - and that he wanted you to have a bit more sleep to get better. After you had a few more sips of his soup, you fell asleep again, feeling warm and fuzzy.

_______

The weekend went fast. It was the first time in several years you spent so much time in bed. Steve kept appearing at your door from time to time with a new bags of food despite you telling him you had your own, but he always insisted you should it something fresh and warm. Surprisingly, he wasn't the only one at your door: Thor suddenly showed up with his whole team, bringing you notes for the upcoming exams they collected altogether, apparently. Loki sent you a message if you needed anything, and Peter left contacted you on Instagram, leaving you links to games you could play so you wouldn't feel bored. Even Bucky gave you a call, asking if he could come and give you a few packs of Neo Citran for your cold, but you kindly refused: Steve literally brought you a yearly supply of this.

It was strange. Of course, when you were in high school, your friends grew worried about you when you had been sick, but there was nothing else to it. Wasn't it always like this? Nobody came to see you. Nobody brought you soup or gave you meds or anything. Despite feeling embarrassed, you realized you actually liked it when somebody was close to you like that. It was comforting seeing Steve popping up and not having to worry about how pretty you looked: he laughed when he saw you getting all shy because you were in your pyjamas. He said he definitely didn't expect you laying on your bed in an evening gown.

Before you realized it, you were already getting better. It was just a cold, really. Soon your throat was no longer sore, and while you were still sneezing, your temperature dropped down to normal, so on Monday you were ready to come back to school as planned. Funny enough, you no longer cared if you passed your exams, having 100%. You didn’t talk about it with Steve, but Peter was laughing like crazy about that when you told him.

Funny. They no longer looked so scary to you. They were just a couple of boys, weren't they? Regardless all those scary rumors and stuff, they were just guys. Maybe they were weird and stupid and a little bit scary because you didn't know them, they were still alright. Thor said it to you, didn't he?

Monday was Bucky's day, so, once you were done dressing, he nocked at your door: you were feeling a bit shy, watching him in that leather jacket and torn jeans he kept wearing the whole year around, apparently. Barnes looked like a teenage girl's dream. He smelled like cigarettes - although he said he was trying to quit - and pinewood. Just like Thor, he liked to skip classes he didn't enjoy much, but he was smart enough to pass the exams. Funny enough, he had a motorcycle.

Again, you wondered how come girls weren't coming from a city on a bus just to go see him.

"Are you sure you’re feeling better?" He asked you softly. "You can stay home today."

"No, no, I'm perfectly alright, thank you! How are you?" Smiling, you closed the door and hid the key in your bag.

"I'm good, thank you."

He didn't speak much, but as you walked in silence, you thought it was comforting - not talking at all and feeling good about it. While Bucky looked like a scary biker, in fact, his calm and friendly demeanor only helped you relax around him. Besides, it was funny how students seemed to give him way whenever they saw him, and you thought if Steve was the King, then Bucky was the Knight.

Before you went into the your classroom, he suddenly stopped you, "Listen, I wanted to say I have your stuff."

You blinked, "What stuff?"

You didn't give him any of your stuff. Actually, after Steve gathered you all in the student council room, you only met Bucky this morning for the first time.

"The stuff those freaks took. Your... your clothes, I mean." He muttered under his breath, and you gaped at him.

Your underwear. He found your bra and panties those guys took from your room.

"Wait... how?" Staring at Bucky who, apparently, was feeling a bit embarrassed talking about it, you thought how on Earth he got those things.

There was only one way he could, right?

"Bucky, was it you who beat those guys?"

It took him a couple of seconds to turn his face to you and then sigh, "Yes, it was me."

_________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki  @helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherub @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @sarge-barnes-sir @buckybarnesplumwhore @jaysayey @megzdoodle @gotnofucks @lux-ravenwolf @ximebebx @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @sourpatchspinster @biiskuitx @stupendouslovegardener @iheartsebandchris @lovelydarkdaydream @soleil-dor @illyrianprincess @vampirestrawberries @goodgodimaweirdperson @frontmanash @freya-heya @yandematic @mariatietacapitu @d3monslust @maybesandohnos @ibeatuptwinks @mangobangi @nectav @whatever-happened-to-the-ducks @teabutnerdy ​ @srrymydood @crazylittlereader2474

[autumn-storms-and-coffee-rings]

i’ve been a bit absent on here, which was never my intention. this is my safe space, my happy place, etc. 

so i’m gonna use it now to detail the utter chaos of my last few months. i’m overwhelmed and don’t have much of an irl support system. feel free to skip over this.  

august

spent money out of my savings to travel to DC for a job interview. first trip out of NC since the pandemic began because i’m high-risk. very much wanted this job. didn’t get it. 

month-long allergy-induced asthma flare.

spent over $715 out of my savings on health insurance (cobra policy through my former toxic employer; still cheaper than an open market policy would be because my state didn’t expand medicaid and i have multiple chronic conditions). 

september

asthma flare continues.

allergy-induced sinus infection.

discovered my main allergy medication had stopped working at some point in the past few months. 

experimented with various allergy medications to find one that works. problem: i’ve been through every allergy medication on the market, so we’re cycling back through meds that had also previously stopped working. we’re hoping the time in-between has allowed my body to view them as shiny and new again. problem: i have life-threatening environmental and food allergies, so not having them under control drastically reduces my quality of life. and because of my propensity to grow tolerant to anti-histamines, this is bound to happen again. i’m not sure when. and i’m certainly not sure how i’ll handle it when i’m employed full-time. i’ve been getting up at 9am and going back to bed by 1pm for a bit because i’ve been SO SICK. 

developed a new topical allergy to coconut and its lengthy number of derivatives.  we’re talking weeks of red, itchy, painful rash and hives around my eyes and on my neck. spent time, energy, and money out of my savings to buy all new bath and body products.

mom broke a bone in her foot and needed surgery. she needs substantial hands-on caregiving due to her other chronic conditions that make it hard for her to have mobility. 

spent over $715 out of my savings on health insurance.

october

my 20 year old beloved car - perry after perry mason - had transmission lines leaking. i’m seriously attached to this car as it is my very first and only. normal car people couldn’t fix it because of his age - they had trouble sourcing the parts. cue spending three weeks finding a transmission place that would answer the phone and worrying about whether or not i’d need to dip into my savings for a (new) used car. 

continued experimenting with different allergy meds. i think i found one that works? for now? but we’re talking allegra 180 mg twice a day - double the recommended amount. 

spent over $715 out of my savings on health insurance.

november

FINALLY FOUND a quintessential redneck transmission place to fix my car. 

went to my surgeon to follow up on my sinus surgery from last year. that looks great, but i’ve got some kind of sinus obstruction. scheduled for a CT scan next week to see if it’s just...swelling or polyps or a tumor or who knows. may need surgery if it’s the latter options. 

finally went to a podiatrist about my foot. i have a high pain tolerance (i once injured my ankle and walked on it for three months before getting it checked out - turns out i’d fractured my ankle and crushed a tendon). anyway. my crappy genetics have lead to the development of a bunion. i do not wear high heels or pointy-toed shoes.  most people think a bunion is a growth, and it is in some cases. but in my case, because of my genetics and most likely undiagnosed EDS, this type of bunion is an early dislocation. i need surgery. MRI on the 20th of this month, follow-up for a surgery plan and maybe a surgery date on the 29th.

spent over $715 out of my savings on health insurance.

i initially thought my period of unemployment would be over in august when i landed that job i wanted in DC. then i thought maybe i’d get to move to my favorite city and out of my parents house - job or no job - at the end of october. then i thought maybe i’d get a fresh start and embark on my own life with the new year in january. now, i’m not sure what the time frame will even be. 

[noonegetsleftbehind]

Getting Personal With J (2021 Fucking Sucked)

So, this is, clearly, a very OOC post, but one that has been in the making for several months. It’s one that I really want to get off my chest and I debated a lot about whether I should share it here for any of those that do have the headspace or time/desire to read it or if I should just keep it to myself. But I decided... I’m tired of hiding. I want to be forthcoming and open about myself and what I have been through. I want to let others know that if they ever need someone to talk to that I am always here. 

So, this post comes with a huge HUGE trigger warning

Please do not read if you have triggers to the following: mentions of suicide, mentions of drugs, mentions of hospitals, mentions of mental health, mentions of trauma, mentions of breakdowns etc. And most importantly? Be advised that what is under the cut is heavy and may be hard to read or process for some. Please, please, PLEASE do not read further if you are not in the right headspace or frame of mind to do so.

So, if you are and you want to read? Click away

Point blank. I suffer from major depressive (treatment resistant) disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, CPTSD, unspecified mood disorder, nightmares, panic attacks, insomnia, waiting on a diagnosis of ADHD/ADD and more. This is just the mental health side of things, mind you. Over the course of 2021 alone... early spring - tore the scar tissue from carpal tunnel release in my right hand, May - got a concussion from my dog and developed post-concussion syndrome, July - went to the ER twice in ONE week and then again the next week for excruciating abdominal pain - turns out I had a shit ton of gallstones and my gallbladder needed to come out - during this time until surgery I ate jack all nothing basically or I was in pain, October - Horrible asthma attack brought on at work and then a trip to the psych ER because there was a mix up with my pharmacy and I had been out of one of my meds for 5 days and hadn’t slept and blacked out and came to in my bathroom cutting myself.... Which brings us to....

November. The year, as you can tell, had already been stressful enough. I had to leave my job from August until the end of September in order to have surgery. This means I was not getting paid etc. The weight of financial stress, the stress of the entire YEAR, the stress of my job, the stress of the upcoming holidays, the stress of the loss of my guinea pig and the stress of a lease violation from my landlord because they didn’t get the paperwork for my ESA all just hit me at once. Stress is my biggest trigger. I can only take so much until I break and I broke HARD. Not the first time either. I had a complete mental breakdown in February of 2020 over similar reasons. This one had me in a psych ER for hours and wound up with me in about 3-4 months of intensive outpatient therapy. This time? Not so lucky.

I had gone to my doctor’s office to get a note to be released to go back to work as I had been out getting COVID tested. I was negative. As I was walking back home, I couldn’t stop thinking about just walking out into traffic. The thought of doing so didn’t even scare me, it CALMED me. I had this feeling that every stress would lift away and I wouldn’t have to keep feeling all of this weight and trauma and feeling so worthless and awful every single day of my life... That my wife would be so much better and happier without me etc. The thought of just falling into the street and getting ran over again and again made me happy. Before I knew it, I was starting to walk towards the curb. I stopped and walked fast back home and told my wife. She took me to the ER, but thanks to COVID she couldn’t come in. It was just me. 

Not only was it just me... It was me and my paper clothes in a dark, secluded room with a shitty mattress bolted to the fucking floor... I was seen by a social worker, a doctor twice and a nurse once... I was told by the doctor the social worker wanted to admit me.... I was left alone in that fucking room for 7 HOURS. Nothing said to me. Nobody coming to check on me. No food. No water. Nothing.  It wasn’t until around 3am that 2 paramedics came in with a stretcher and told me they were taking me. I had no idea what was going on. Again, nobody told me. They grabbed my belongings and proceeded to strap me all the way down to this stretcher from my feet to my head basically. They drove me 45 minutes away and dropped me off at a mental hospital. I had no idea where I was. It was after 4 in the morning. I hadn’t ate, slept or spoken to my wife which they did not let me do. I had to spend the next several hours answering questions, filling out paperwork, being strip searched etc. They pulled the strings out of my hoodie and threw them out, tried to ruin my shoes etc. It was the most dehumanizing thing I have ever been through. I was finally brought to a ward and a room just a little after 6am on November 30th. I laid down and cried myself to sleep or what I could... They had people come in every 15 minutes to check on you. 

Have you ever had a nightmare and you KNOW you’re having a nightmare? In it... you tell yourself it’s just a nightmare and you can wake up and it will go away? I had that. I dreamt it was a nightmare and all I had to do was wake up. But when I opened my eyes the nightmare was still there. It was the single worst fucking feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I still have not processed this completely. 

I stayed in this locked ward for 7 days. You may all remember when I was gone and in the hospital. I asked Spooper to keep the cause of hospital stay hush. Clearly you now know why. 

I could speak forever of the horrors of this stay. I really could. I am working with my therapist to actually give a speech and/or write up a piece about my trauma. Because in all honesty? What I experienced caused even more psychological damage and trauma than I went in with. I am still WORSE now than I was when I wanted to walk into traffic. The mental health system in the US is BROKE. It is a JOKE. It is AWFUL.

I can tell you I got a roommate who was a detoxing crack addict with about 40 different people in her head who constantly talked and had conversations and actual screaming FIGHTS with people who weren’t there all day and all night. When she wasn’t doing that she was in the bathroom using 6 rolls of toilet paper a day to scrub the floor and flush the toilet over and over and over and over.

I could not sleep. Ever. for 7 fucking days. I begged them to move me. Anything. I would leave the room and cry in the middle of the ward and all the would do was force more meds on me. I was double dosed on trazadone and vistaril. They never moved me.

There was a very violent individual who was on my ward as well. He would constantly talk about how he was going to kill each one of us. I lived every minute of every day in fear and trauma in there, just drugged out the ass. I was only allowed to call my wife at designated times. I had only one pair of clothes. Everything I had on me was locked up. I wasn’t even allowed to go to the cafeteria to eat as you are basically considered a prisoner unless you willingly sign yourself in.

On top of all of this... I had to see a therapist and a psych and attend group therapy ALL FUCKING DAY from 8am to 5pm. Every day. On no sleep. And drugged. Every day it got worse and worse. But I learned real quick that what I had to do to get out was pretend. You go to every group. You TRY. You express the want to be involved and get better... Which I did and I still DO, but I wanted no fucking PART of being there. I hated it there.  So, I finally got out on December 6. With it being December I was busy every weekend from then until now with holidays and family shit. I should have canceled everything but I didn’t. I wanted to pretend like I was fine. I tried doing that here too and it just... Didn’t help and didn’t work.

Truth is, friends. I am not fine. I am not even close to fine. But that’s okay. I am doing my best to begin to process all of this, but it’s so much. I just added more horrible trauma onto years worth of built up awful trauma... It’s a lot. It’s going to take a lot of time. Just know I still see a therapist weekly. My suicidal ideations are mostly gone aside from the general thought of just not wanting to be alive. 

On top of this? I was let go from my job while I was in the hospital. I feel so worthless and helpless and guilty over so much. This whole ordeal has just caused me to really hate myself and I honestly did start to pull away from this blog and dash, but you know what? I thought about Chris while I was in the hospital. A lot. And it sounds stupid but he did help me get through being in there. He came to me as a muse when I needed him most. 

I am in the long drawn out process of filing for disability. I am going through another med adjustment that is causing insomnia and bouts of fatigue. I am struggling. Every single day is a challenge. You just... Always remember you never know what someone else is going through. Be kind.  And that’s what I want you all to know. I am a safe space. I will ALWAYS be here to listen to you. No matter what. I will help however I can. I have suffered. I have been through hell and I know how that can be. The last thing I want is for anyone else to have to go through that alone. You are not alone. I promise.

So that’s it. That’s what 2021 was to me. An absolute nightmare piece of shit that is going to take years to recover from. This is what I suffer from day to day. This is what I went through. This is why I was in the hospital and why I struggle sometimes to be present. Why I sometimes get afraid that people know and people hate me for it. 

In all honesty? It felt good to finally get this out. I am not looking for pity or anything I just... I needed to be honest. I needed to get it out. This battle is far from over, but now you know about my war. <3

[isshebreathing]

I had an unexpected weekend off and it’s too hot to be outside today, so five stories in one weekend is too much for me to catch up with. Thanks everyone for your positive response so far, I’ll definitely keep working on them.

If you are triggered by dark stuff and death fantasy you can skip part 2 and come straight to part 3 without missing anything.

Chronic Asthma Part 3

We were over staffed at the hospital so I volunteered to leave. I had been working so much that my girlfriend Emily and I were like ships passing in the night. She would have just gotten home from her bar tending shift and we could eat dinner in bed then fall asleep watching a reality show like a normal couple would. Emily has a bachelor’s degree in fine art, but she still bartends because it pays more money. I’ve always felt guilty about that, once I was done with med school I would be able to make more money and she wouldn’t have to work. She could tell the men who made passes at her to fuck off without fear of losing precious tips or worse yet, her job.

“Coming home early” I texted “dinner and tv?”

I didn’t get a response

“???????” I sent.

She might have been in bed, when I called her this evening she sounded tired and short of breath, she said she had been running to catch something.

The thought crossed my mind that Emily was not okay. She had had chronic asthma since she was a child as a result of the poor air quality in the Appalachian town she was raised in. Sometimes late at night I would feel her start awake and I knew she was having a nightmare of one of the two times she had stopped breathing entirely in her life.

I pushed the thought out of my head, Emily had always accused me of overthinking things and turning them into a medical crisis, it was a side effect of seven years of med school I guessed.

I sent another text “Fast food tacos?”

I got no response, “she’s probably in the shower,” I said to myself.

My anxiety didn’t fade though, I thought we had food at home we could make. I ordered a car on my phone to shorten the 45 minutes the train would have taken. I tried to get the thought of my girlfriend struggling to breath on the floor out of my head and tried to replace it with the pleasant warmth and surprise I’d see on her face when I came home early for an unexpected date night.

I bounded up the stairs and opened our door, I was surprised that our cat Walter didn’t come to greet me, he must have been confused by my shortened day.

The kitchen and living room and hallway lights were on, and I could see that our bedroom light was on too, but the shower wasn’t running. “Babe, you left the lights on again,” I said frustratedly expecting her to say “don’t mock my fear of the dark” jokingly in reply but I didn’t hear anything.

“Babe?” I said again with no response.

“Emily?” I said louder, now making my way down the hallway.

I turned into our room and saw my worst fears realized, Emily was laying in the fetal position on the floor, face turned gray, inhaler and nebulizer scattered around her. She had an asthma attack that turned into a breathing crisis, she was in respiratory arrest in front of me.

I rushed over to her and put my face close to hers, “Emily,” I said again trying to shake her awake. She looked into my eyes for a brief moment before they rolled back in her head and fluttered closed. I put two fingers under her chin and felt her heart sputter to a stop, she was in full arrest now.

I saw her cell phone on the floor next to the handset I insisted on keeping because 911 services could better trace your address on a landline. I picked up the handset and realized it was already connected. “Ma’am? Ma’am can you hear me? Help is on the way” a dispatcher says calmly on the other end of the phone.

“Yes, I just walked in and my girlfriend is in full arrest, I’m a doctor, I need an ambulance.”

The dispatcher responds but I don’t care what they say. I lay Emily flat on her back and rip off her fitted bar t-shirt. I grab the knife from my pocket and slice off her bra, exposing her graying chest as her large breast flopped to each side. I started compressions and yelled “Emily you have to come back okay.”

Her lifeless body lay unresponsive, rocking inward as I pounded on her chest, “and ten and eleven and twelve” I push away any thoughts of arousal that I feel from her naked body needing me to pump it’s heart for her. “And twenty-seven, and twenty-eight, and twenty-nine, and thirty” I move up towards her head and tilt it back, I try to give her a puff of air, her cheeks puff out but her chest lays still.

I realize her airway is completely blocked and run to get the medical bag I keep in my closet, I pour iodine on her throat and place my knee on her forehead to stabilize her.

I have seen this procedure done in the real world twice, once on a training video and once in my ER rotation, I have never actually done the procedure. My mind goes into a trance, I am no longer a frantic girlfriend I am a medical professional performing a medical routine. I grab a scalpel and make a small slice in the skin of her throat covering her trachea, I make a few more careful slices though skin and fat and muscle taking care not to slice too deep. I take some gauze and soak up the blood as I find the trachea. I put a small slice in the organ and mucus and blood immediately start coming up, I place my two fingers into the hole so I don’t lose it and grab one of the clear plastic tubes I had set out for the procedure, I slip the tube into her trachea as a sickening gurgle lets out all of the fluid that had been stuck in her airway. I snapped on a breathing tube and an ambu bag. I began to breathe for her. Her chest rising each time I squeezed breath into her.

The adrenaline of the initial crisis was fading fast. I was trying to do compressions with one hand and respirations with the other. Emily had told me horror stories about air hunger and how terrifying it was, I needed to help her heart beat and also keep air going to her lungs.

I started to panic because I didn’t know what to do next, do I just keep her partially alive until help comes? How long could she stay this way?

I choked down my panic as the EMT’s rushed in, and took over, I was surprised how aroused I was seeing a man forcefully pump my girlfriends chest while someone else squeezes a bulb to breathe for her.

I snap back into the present as the third medic is asking me questions. “She’s 28 years old, she has a history of asthma, no known history of a heart condition…..”

My mind trails off as the severity of what is happening hits me, I lose my composure and start to sob and I begged, “Emily please stay here with me, please stay alive,”

I watch the scene unfold as the paramedics put two white pads on Emily’s chest, one between her breasts and one On her side. I lose all medical knowledge as I watch a surge of electricity shoot through her body contorting it in an unnatural horror. The shock does nothing, the v-fib that the drugs gave her has turned into a flatline.

I watch in horror as the slip a board under her to raise her chest more, making her large and graying breasts fall further to the side, they snap a machine over her and turn it on, the machine makes an unnatural squeaking noise as it beats on her chest 100 times a minute.

I forget that I am a doctor, I forget my medical training, this isn’t a case in front of me this is the woman I love.

“Are you hurting her?” I ask as the machine pounds into her over and over and over again.

“We need to beat her heart for her,” the paramedic replies.

For a moment I think it’s too much, her hands are strapped to the side of the machine that is violently pounding her chest, making her shoulders shift inwards, her belly bulge, and feet rock inward with each compression pounding into her battered body. A tube sticks unnaturally out of her mouth attached to a blue bulb that someone has to squeeze to make her chest rise with breath. “It’s too much to expect her body to take this to stay.” I think, but thought of living without her snaps me back to reality. I am almost a doctor, a medical professional, I will do anything it takes to keep my girlfriend alive even if it’s with machines.

They load her into the back of the ambulance and despite my protests make me sit in the front with the driver.

I text my colleague in the ER, “headed in with Emily, bad asthma attack to full arrest, get prepped to start life support. I can’t lose her”

“Oh god Jen, we will do whatever it takes” she replies.