#are Buck and Eddie just going to keep repeating the same arcs?

[lover-of-mine]

Hi, welcome to Buck just had his oh moment and the color theory of it all.

Usual shoutout to @stagefoureddiediaz because being mind meld with her is what's getting me here lol

First, I'm gonna break my own rule and give too much power to the showrunners, I know I keep saying not to, but hear me out. Buck, Bothered and Bewildered is on Buck's pov, right? That was made clear by the episode and then confirmed in interviews that that was the vision, and well, Tim also said that that scene was from Buck's pov, it's all about Buck's reaction and how he will go crazy about this because he's abandonment issues personified, that is also confirmed with the way we don't see what Eddie is doing until he tells Buck, we are learning things at the same time as Buck is.

Okay, well, why am I going back to 704? Well, Buck's fear of losing Eddie (I don't care what Buck says, he wanted Eddie's attention) made him go completely batshit crazy last time. But it also triggered something really important: Buck's bisexuality. And they just repeated that trigger, but this time with Buck choosing to walk in.

They repeated the bt first kiss structure but with Buck making the choices that create that change. The bt kiss, Buck is working on some bills, Tommy shows up, Buck is spiraling because of Eddie, Tommy kisses him, Buck has the bisexual realization. The 808 scene, Eddie is working on the houses, Buck shows up, he's spiraling about Tommy, Eddie reveals something, and Buck is snapped into the realization. Important thing to notice is that Buck still doesn't fully understand the depth of what his relationship with Tommy showed him about himself, so Buck still might not understand the impact of what his abandonment issues just told him while he was sitting on Eddie's couch. And it's all on Buck's pov.

But Anna, you said color theory.

I'm getting there. Because, well, the bt kiss is blue and red.

Same as 808. So we are evoking the same feeling, especially because of Buck's short sleeves and the buttons (and not a white shirt under this like he had all season lol)

And thinking about the blue and yellow coding Buck's bi arc, he worked his way to lighter blues. He starts with the navy blue colors until that lighter teal tone from the coming out scene.

It's also interesting that in the scenes that are about Eddie in a sense, when he's talking to Maddie and he got it right about it being about Eddie, and the coming out scene being about their friendship, are lighter colors along with Buck matching his background. We don't have the yellow elements but we have that cohesion on the frame composition. (I guess the 606 hoodie also counts since blue and green theory but I don't want to make another image now).

If you're new here, the theory is that Buck worked his way to his blue from darker colors, his blue being the color he is wearing during the coming out scene (and Eddie will find his yellow, but we are not talking about Eddie).

We are back in the darker blue but the composition of the scene is lighter. Buck is literally in front of the light as he is talking to Eddie in the kitchen, and it's the middle of the day.

He matches the background, the couch, the Texas frame, the lighting is also a lot colder than it usually is in Eddie's house. And it's also very important that he is on the couch, because yay couch theory.

But Anna how does any of this prove anything?

Well, Buck is working his way back to his blue while in the darker colors, because while he got the bisexuality part right, Tommy wasn't the right person, and he's finally back in the light, we don't have the dimmed light and the obstruction of his face created by the shadow, dare I saw Buck is finally starting to see things clearer.

But why am I so sure? The shirt he was wearing today?

Same color but in a darker shade than his blue.

Buck is back on the discovery feeling that comes with the darker blue but this time he's in the correct hue, he just needs to get to the right shade, and he just figured something out.

Abandonment issues personified just had his oh moment about Eddie at the thought of losing him permanently, sitting on Eddie's couch while wearing his blue.

Other things to notice, Buck knocked but walked in before Eddie could get to the door, he used his key and the knocking was just to let Eddie know he was there, Buck is the one who suggests moving to the couch and the couch ties it back to the couch theory and the 601 dinner, dare I say that even Buck offering to bake for Eddie and the cooking aspect of it all, and the idea that the couch is home and home is a person and for Buck that's Eddie.

Something else is the way that we finally see someone eating whatever it is Buck is stress baking. Madney don't eat at the loft and the chief interrupts them at the firehouse. Eddie on the other hand is DIGGING into those. And food in 911, in media in general, is about connection, and is very pointedly about love here, and the whole stress baking is great because the kitchen is Buck's safe space, he cooks for people he loves, we see that from when Maddie comes back, to the pointed way he gets take out for his parents in 610, to the lasagna, making chilly with Bobby, cooking for the house on 709 and getting Bobby's approval. And the fact that we are getting Eddie eating what Buck's nervous state is creating while allowing Buck to just go through his kitchen to make more because he is not about to not accept every part of Buck Buck offers him is important.

The fact that Eddie isn't objecting to Buck rummaging around his kitchen is also important in the way the show uses Eddie's house in a meta way, kinda like the way the show uses the loft to match Buck's spirits in a sense, how the kitchen is his heart and for family, how the living room ends up being for guests and it's made pointed about the couch his mother bought "for his guests", Eddie's kitchen and the whole way it's the space Eddie allows himself to be vulnerable but there's the thing of honesty, the core of who Eddie is is tied to the kitchen, and the fact that he's just letting Buck move around like it's his kitchen ads a lot. Buck is the only person who walked into the house through the back door, Buck has a key, Buck has been in every room (except the bathroom but I think they are saving that for buddie canon), that's home for him too and Eddie never thinks to question and Buck never thinks to doubt it ("this is Eddie's house, I'm not really a guest").

Anyway, Buck oh moment real. Buddie 8b real. Color theory got me so high I'm wondering this is what doing hard drugs feels like. I think this is all I have to say. I might come back, who knows? I don't.

If you read this I love you.

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@dingdongfries @angelcamael

[writerdownacross]

Okay, putting on my black, non shipper hat for a second and holding it tight. WHY are Buck and Eddie’s romantic relationships written LIKE THAT (long post incoming)

Why does it seem like the writers just can’t write Buck or Eddie a decent relationship with anyone but themselves? The only *real* development they have as people is when they are either in conflict with each other or dealing with something in their personal lives while the other is there for them as a rock.

Because the 911 writers KNOW how to write good relationship arcs. We love Bathena and Henren and Madney for a reason. And the individuals in those relationships also dea with hard times like we’re shone - they’re not perfect at all. So you can’t say that it’s a matter of them being more mature or more grounded than Buck or Eddie

But for SOME reason, they (seem to) fail each and every time they put either character with someone that’s not each other.

TV procedurals do not leave relationships like this generally- at least in my experience. If either Buck or Eddie were going to have a relationship with someone romantically that either wasn’t the right time or needed time apart to develop, they would’ve introduced those characters seasons ago. They would have had us seeing them pop in and out, be mentioned by other members of the team, be rescued from

We can’t even say they’re writing these characters single or straight. Both Buck and Eddie WANT love. They’ve made this explicitly clear over and over again.

But they introduce love interests who have little to no chemistry with these men. Like Lucy is the only one I could see Buck being with chemistry wise, but he clearly thinks of their kids as a mistake. And she’s basically fem!Buck.

So if they are keeping Buck and Eddie as best friends that happen to be overly involved in each other’s lives and biggest emotional moments and periods of breaking to grow, and no one else, not even other members of their very close knit community is privy to those moments, what’s the plan here?

Will they retcon all of Buck’s personal growth by making him sift through person after person trying to find THE ONE? Will Eddie just finally be okay with the ready made family in Marisol or whoever because that’s how they want to write his growth from therapy?

​What happens when they introduce someone to Eddie’s life and they set them up to build that amount of trust that Buck has with him and Chris? Does Buck get thrown to the wayside? Because I don’t know any partner that would be cool with a best friend being able to adopt someone they’ve come to see as a child. Eddie would DEFINITELY have to change his will which would just be…horrible really.

Idk this is just stream of consciousness thinking for me but if not Buddie endgame, then what??? What’s been the point of all these seasons?

[johanna-swann]

I actually have sooo many issues with 911 lately that haven't even got much to do with any ships.

Like. They wrote out almost all of the side characters. Chris is gone, Linda and Sue are gone, Athena's kids are gone (even though Harry just moved in with her and Bobby again? Seriously, where is Harry?), Ravi is gone, Carla is gone. I know the GA maybe don't care that much, casual viewers might not even have noticed that this many characters have just vanished from the show, but in my opinion this is one of the things that give a show running as long as 911 life. Having a big cast is a good thing. Otherwise things are going to get very monotonous very soon.

Actually, that's my second point. They keep repeating storylines! Every season Hen and Karen have to fight a custody battle over one of their kids.

Every season Eddie ends up realising he has a lot of repressed trauma and issues which keep him from leading a healthy happy and free life.

Every season Bathena realise that they have communication issues and they fight about it, but then something traumatic happens and they forgive each other without ever really talking things out.

Every season we are reminded that Maddie's most prominent character trait is "traumatised", the writers just alternatingly bring up Doug again and sometimes the ppd arc.

Every season we see Buck being somewhat restless, looking and searching for something that will bring him true happiness and cycling through love interests that never stick around and each time when you think "oh, there it is, he's getting somewhere now" the writers go "BEEEP! WRONG!" and we start all over again. [This is not just about recent events aka Tommy, the break-up and Buck potentially going back to his 1.0 ways, this also happened in season 6 when he had his "it doesn't matter what other people see in me, I'm enough" revelation only to suddenly be like "omg, Natalia just sees me".]

And Chimney- he had his moment last season with the wedding episode, Kenneth Choi really ate that episode up, but his most prominent character trait is "Maddie's supportive husband". There's really not that much going on with him otherwise.

Another point I briefly touched upon above is consistency. Like Harry moving back in with Athena and Bobby and then just vanishing. Or Gerrard being more like a slightly unfriendly grandpa than an actual antagonist in season 8 when he was still spouting slurs in season 7.

And the timeline! We talked about this before ("last March", Mara's fostering to adoption timeline, Tommy tranferring to harbour "5 years ago"), but the newest "Tommy was actually Abby's Tommy" twist just adds to that. Tommy was with Abby for over 2 years. They were engaged. This was at a time when he was still at the 118. Tommy dated Abby presumably because he was in denial or maybe because he was hiding. In either case, wouldn't his team at least have heard about his fiancée, Abby the dispatcher? Wouldn't that have rung a bell when Buck eventually brought her around only a year or two later? Tommy did talk about his private life at least a little at work, even under Gerrard. It just doesn't make sense. (Not to mention this seems wildly out of character for Tommy who around the same time also said about himself "being single is easier".)

Then there's the pacing. This was a huge issue in season 7. They jumped from one personal soap opera drama to the next without taking any breathers, had almost no procedural in their drama the whole season, still somehow decided to spend one third of the entire season just on the opening disaster and also squeezed in a "Bobby begins for the third time now" episode. But okay, it was a shortened season, there were strikes, they switched networks, they were under a lot of pressure - I'll cut them some slack. At least they set up a bunch of interesting stuff for the following season.

But we're in season 8 now. The renewal was announced very early, they had a lot of time to plan this time. Also they have almost double the episodes they had last season, there's really no need to rush any of the major plots. I am done cutting them slack.

They wanna do a 3 part opening disaster again? Okay fine, you have the time now. I feel like they could've easily done it in 2 episodes (especially 8x02 felt a little "eh"), but okay. Better than the breakneck speed you were going at befo- Oh, what's that? 8x04 flying in with a steel chair. You resolved 70% percent of the plots you set up last season in one single episode with no build up, no emotional pay off and no lasting consequences? And you also squeezed in multiple unrelated calls at the same time? Damn, okay then. Good-bye potentially interesting storylines. Fuck me for being invested I guess. I thought there would at least maybe be some follow up in 8x05, but no.

Now that Halloween episode wasn't bad, it was actually the best episode of this season imo, but instead of following up on previously established conflicts and developments they just hit us with new Wilson family trauma and conflict that was also immediately fixed again. And now 8x06 has speedrun and dumped another storyline that had potential to go to deeper and interesting places. Not gonna talk too much about that though because this post is about the show as a whole, not ships.

And I am not yet convinced that there will be much more to come on the only thing that's left from last season: Eddie's deep dive into his trauma and repression. It's totally possible at this point that being told "you deserve nice things" by a random stranger actually solved all of his problems, it would be very in tone with 911's new style.

What are they even gonna do with the rest of this season? Revisiting the Hotshots set sounds fun, but ultimately inconsequential. You know what's great about a regular old procedural drama with ~20 episodes per season that comes on weekly? You have time. You can let the viewers sit with their emotions and thoughts for a week and keep them engaged by stretching things out a little.

But why should I bother getting emotionally invested in problems the characters are gonna solve within the same episode anyway? Or rather, even if I wanted to, how am I supposed to care if you don't give me the time to develop any feelings about anything that's happening? "Henren lost in court and are now completely forbidden from seeing Mara at all!" Damn, that must be so har- "JUST KIDDING! Ortiz is exposed and everything is perfect again now." Oh. Okay then, I guess.

Bottom line: The characters are all stuck in their own hamster wheels, they keep cutting side characters that could bring a breeze of fresh air (I'm honestly surprised they even kept Josh until now), they rush through all the storylines a such a ridiculous speed that I don't even have time to feel any sort of way about it, they don't even try to keep a consistency or sensible timeline going and they seem to strongly prioritise random funny bits that'll entertain the very casual viewers right now in this moment (tiger call, Billy Boils, Bee-nado, the 'Stache tm, "wait, it's the same Abby?", Gerrard being a fangirl at heart) instead of playing the long game and catering to people who actually pay a little attention to the show.

[On that last remark: I'm not talking about hardcore fans who analyse every single frame here, I mean casual fans who've watched the show on and off again for a while and who may not be involved in fandom but genuinely care about the show.]

I mean. What am I even still doing here? The show is treading water and I end up disappointed more often than not. I'm still holding out a little hope that they actually will do something interesting with Eddie and his sea-monkeys, but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't.

[shiplessoceans]

I was baffled by this plot direction with Eddie same as you fam...

But I'm also SO intrigued.

Remember how this season started? WIth Christopher two-timing girls from school and Eddie being like "Oh no who did he get this from?"

Chris is emulating his father.

He got this from Eddie.

Not because he thinks his dad is a cheater, but because Eddie has set an example of how relationships with women work.

In Christophers early childhood his dad was always away and his mum was sad and struggling to cope. Then his dad returned and his mum suddenly left. Then his dad brings his mum back as a Christmas gift and bam, suddenly they're a family now. Not a family again, because they never been a family unit before. Everything should be perfect and yet something still feels off.

We know that while Eddie is ready to settle into married life, Shannon is not.

I personally think that when Shannon turned Eddie down, she did it because she knows that if not for Christopher being born, her and Eddie would never have stayed together. That while they love each other and Chris, they were never IN love and she wanted them both to have a chance at happiness.

Actually, come to think of it.... Holy shit... I don't think Eddie has ever BEEN in love.

Not that we've seen anyway!

He married Shannon because she got pregnant and every relationship he's had since then has been an exercise in Eddie trying to cram a new woman into his life and make her fit, only to panic, retreat or self sabotage when she doesn't. Or worse, when she DOES fit and he realises he doesn't love her.

Christopher has grown up and been there for all of this, and it's informing how he handles relationships with girls. As though they are interchangeable. As a means to fit someone into your life and make them your partner rather than find someone you actually like and who makes you happy.

I don't think this it's a coincidence we are where we are now at this point in the show. We've been building to this all season and it needs to happen because otherwise Eddie is going to keep repeating the same pattern over and over and over again for the rest of his life.

Going for 'safe' people he feels like will fill a hole in his heart while never allowing himself to fall in love so that he can never be hurt when they leave or he loses them.

He doesn't love Marisol. He wasn't in love with any of them. I think he loved Shannon but mostly because she was the mother of his child.

Eddie cheating is just another way this cycle is manifesting itself and once again he's going for a woman not because he's interested in who she is or getting to know her...but because she looks like Shannon.

Thinking maybe he can fix the mistakes of the past and be a different version of himself. This version of Shannon won't leave him and he won't abandon her. This one will stick around and yeah he won't love her but it will fix everything and they'll be a family right?

Eddie may not even be consciously aware that he's doing this.

Eddie needs to blow his life up and break this cycle.

Buck was a sex addict because he couldn't deal with his own self worth issues.

Eddie is a serial monogamist who can't let himself fall in love with anyone for fear of being hurt.

Interesting how their arcs mirror each other huh?

[dubiousculturalartifact]

Obviously I’ve been queerbaited before, like, a genuinely incalculable number of times, and maybe thinking Buddie might actually go canon is a ‘fool me sixteen times, shame on me’ scenario, but I think one big thing that’s keeping my hope alive is this thought: If you genuinely believe that Buddie isn’t going to go canon, 100% zero possibility and absolutely no intention of trying... Then you also have to believe the people who create the show we’re all fans of are purposefully cruel dicks. 

Because we have SEEN what it looks like when the showrunner of 911 knows there is no possibility of it happening, has no plans of it, and is generally trying to avoid accusations of queerbaiting.

It looks like S5 & S6. Little bits here and there, the odd important scene to throw breadcrumbs… but a lot of keeping the two characters apart, being circumspect in interviews, PR shut downs on the actors, etc. The show has proven they are capable and willing to exactly that!

So indulge me, and imagine for a second. They had the conversation with the new network, and the execs told them they wanted to continue with the status quo, to write as if Buddie is never going to go canon, BUT were willing to bend so far as to make one of them queer, to keep the fans happy.

What would that look like?

I don't know, call me foolish.... But I think it would look like keeping the same dynamic from The Drought Seasons. Having them be friends and important to each other but still fairly disconnected, not having as much screen-time, etc, It would look like having Buck’s coming out arc be a SEPARATE, individual narrative. If they just wanted to write Tommy and Buck, and that's it, they could have done things differently.

There are just so many conceivable ways they could have written Buck’s coming out arc, to almost completely separate it from Eddie and have it be made clear, in no uncertain terms, that Buck is bi but that doesn’t mean he cares about Eddie like that, that Eddie is a hetero McHetero.

Buck’s coming out arc could have included him being jealous because he’s suddenly faced with Tommy in the flesh and is insecure about how he was technically ‘Tommy’s replacement’ at the 911, with Eddie not relevant to it at all, or have Maddie and Chimney be the ones to interrupt The Date, or literally any other scenario that didn’t make it all about Eddie. 

They could have had one short scene where Eddie and Buck talk about it, and then the rest would be like, Buck talking to Hen about being queer, Buck interacting just with Tommy and getting to know him, Buck doing a research binge about bisexuality and info-dumping at an inappropriate time during a call, etc etc etc.

That’s how you tell that story and only be writing it for the proverbial ‘general audience’.

But they didn't. They purposefully reversed direction. They chose for Buck’s coming out arc to... highlight his nigh-feral jealousy over Eddie forming a homosocial bond with another guy, having said guy repeat with genuine surprise and shock that it was him and not Eddie that Buck was interested in, have Eddie interrupt their date, have Buck be more worried about lying to Eddie than the fact that he’s queer at all, have Maddie say what she did to Buck about telling Eddie in specifically ambiguous terms…

In a season that also included the Fire Extinguisher Incident, and Buck saying he ‘wishes he could help’ with Eddie’s sexual frustration, and a big increase in social media engagement, and having Buck being Eddie’s rock in the last few episodes while he had a bizarrely platonic affair with his dead wife's doppleganger…

If they did that while KNOWING the plan was actually for Buck/Tommy endgame and Eddie riding off in the sunset with a hot female firefighter who has a cool motorcycle or whatever the fuck, or them both dying in a freak car-washing accident, or….

If they GENUINELY planned that? If the entire Buck jealousy plotline was intended to be nothing more than a deliberate queerbait-and-switch? Then they’re fucking assholes, sorry. They would have to know full well exactly what they were doing, how many people’s hopes and emotional investment they were toying with... If they were actually planning to keep dragging it along for seasons more of baiting and dangling things in front of us, while knowing categorically that they had no plans to deliver? That would be genuinely GOD TIER levels of specific, intentional queerbaiting.

Which could be the case! I won't deny that. Shows have done it before, plenty of times. Tim et al could be callous bastards deliberately instructing the actors to wink it up in interviews and share suggestive Tiktoks, and writing Buck’s coming out arc as being entirely focused around Eddie and throwing out hints... All while laughing behind Buddie fans' backs about our gullibility, how we’re keeping the show trending on the force of our delusions, etc. Maybe that's it! Maybe they just genuinely enjoying fucking with people. Or maybe they were just shitty enough writers that they didn't know what they were doing, and it was all a total accident, somehow, the proverbial monkeys pounding at keyboards and accidentally spelling out B U D D I...

But you know what? Call it naive, but I prefer to think they’re not huge assholes, or hugely incompetent.

That there might actually be a point to all this, somewhere down the line.

I guess we'll find out.

[lemotmo]

This is kind of a question for Ali (hi Ali!) but also a question I’d love to hear your thoughts on.

A lot of people (myself included) have noticed similarities between last seasons promo and bts being really focused on Oliver/Buck and this seasons being really focused on Ryan/Eddie.

We now know the focus on Oliver/Buck was because of the bi Buck arc. Do you think the focus this year is because we’re (hopefully) getting a queer Eddie arc? Another major Eddie arc that isn’t about his sexuality? Not about Eddie at all and everyone just really loves the mustache?

Hi Nonnies! if it's okay for you guys I'm going to answer your asks in one go.

First of all, if anyone is interested in what that link leads to. It's someone on Twitter who points out that all this Ryan promo is the exact same thing they did with Oliver last season.

All right, let's get down to business and answer this:

I actually went back to check all the pre season 7 interviews and bts. And yes, there was so much focus on Oliver, both in the bts and the interviews. There were so many questions about where Buck's story was going and talk about his professional life and love life. Oliver even used the words 'self-discovery' when he talked about Buck. Something Ryan has been heavily hinting at himself in some interviews he did during 7b and post season 7.

All of the PR follows the exact same pattern. I expect more interviews and articles to come out with the same questions about Eddie's professional life, love life and of course his role as a father to Christopher.

So yeah, looking at all of these comparisons, it's clear we're going to get to know Eddie a whole lot better in season 8. They're gearing up towards something big for his character. Now, whether or not this 'something' has to do with his sexuality and eventually Buck's role in Eddie rediscovering himself?

Well, it sure does seem so, doesn't it. It all adds up. What else could possibly be something so big for Eddie's character that he gets so much focus? He's already rock bottom because Chris is gone. He dealt with some unresolved Shannon feelings (weird Kim took care of that with her dead wife cosplay) and I highly doubt the show will keep repeating the same Shannon story line. So, what else is there to explore?

The way I see it is that the moustache is a visual way to set Eddie apart. It makes him 'different' this season. It's an important new part of him, but it isn't the main storyline. The moustache indicates change for Eddie. Just the moustache isn't enough to build an arc for a character. But it is a way to tell the audience something is going on with Eddie, because he changed his look. So what is behind that change? That is what is really going on. And yeah, I do strongly think it might have something to do with his sexuality.

Disclaimer though! I'm always cautious when I talk about these things, because the truth is that we won't know for sure until we get some kind of confirmation from the show. Until we get that, we need to keep in mind that this might not go the way we all expect it to go.

This doesn't mean that we can't be happy, positive and hopeful about all of this. Ryan is obviously important in season 8. We get tons of content and the cast is having the time of their lives. And we get to speculate and theorise over every single scrap of content that we get. What more could we possibly want as fans? We're living the dream right now. 😁

So, I say we wait this one out for a while and see what other promo we're going to get. I'm also heavily side-eyeing the fact that they keep pushing back the Family Feud episode. Who knows? Maybe they did really spoil queer Eddie in that show after all? 😋

As for Ali's point of view. Well, I just received an ask from one of the nonnies. Thank you by the way! It's somewhat about this topic, so I'll just copy/paste it in this post. She doesn't address a possible queer arc for Eddie here, but she does address the Ryan promo.

I'll tag Ali's tags as well under this post and if an Ali ask about Eddie's possible queer arc gets dropped into my ask box I'll make sure to share it with you Nonny! I promise.

I hope you both have a great day!

IMPORTANT! Please don't repost this ask and/or a link that leads straight to my Tumblr account on Twitter or any other social media. Thank you!

Heads up! For anyone who is giving me the shifty eyes for reposting Ali's updates instead of reblogging. Read this.

Remember, no hate in comments, reblogs or inboxes. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of Ali’s posts, you can find all of her posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[outrunningthedark]

Real question tho. Explain to me how another failed relationship for Eddie will be a good storyline??? this motherfucker is always fucking single and miserable and this season it’s finally some happiness and he looks happy but no let’s make him single and miserable again??? booooriiinnggggg

I agree with your overall feelings on this. I had my issues with decisions Kristen made in her two years as co-showrunner, including how rushed the Eddie dating arc was (because Mr. "I never thought the show was in danger of being canceled" apparently didn't tell his colleague to write as if there WOULD be a season seven), but she DID get the overall point to the story correct in that Eddie was finally ready to date on his terms and even made the first move by asking for Marisol's number and calling her to set something up. So, here comes Marisol (I'm just talking about the character, not the actress), and you would think this new relationship would have happier times because Eddie's in a happier place, right? Apparently not. People can and probably will spin the narrative to say that they're letting Edy go because of her real life actions ("the backlash is getting to be too much"), but look at the premiere. That was a blink-and-you-miss-it appearance by her, even less than what Ana got in both her introductions from seasons three and four. That's not how you help the audience get (re)acquainted with someone who could be around for a long while. It's just not. So here we are, possibly/probably ending season seven with Marisol officially out or her final scene being written in a way that suggests she will be even if it's not said on screen (like how Buck and Ali kinda sorta broke up in 2x18, but Buck had to confirm it in 3x01) and...it's back to the drawing board we go.

I was never attached to Marisol, I don't pay attention to Edy unless something crosses my dash (I don't see the point in keeping tabs on an actress that I don't care for), and I had already made peace with however long it would take to wrap this story up. But this thing with Eddie grieving Shannon, thinking it's time to commit, changing his mind, and repeating the same pattern in a different season? That's becoming boring to me, to more folks in this fandom, and probably a lot of others who aren't in the fandom and aren't watching 9-1-1 for a repression arc, particularly not from the Army vet with the dead wife and son (who's not a little kid anymore and doesn't need his father's help the same way he used to). Marisol out? That's fine, we'll survive. The next one, though? Would it kill them to try?

[suaine]

Saw the finale and enjoyed it quite a bit. And I want to talk about the Buddie of it, which was to many, from what I can see on my dash, extremely disappointing.

There wasn't a payoff to any of the theories and metas and little hints and nudges and winks. They are both in the beginning stages of potential relationships with girls that are not on the same narrative level and thus make it hard for fans like us to be invested, especially because we're already invested in another relationship: Buck and Eddie.

Now, I don't want to talk about whether or not that was a letdown of narrative arcs (I personally don't think so, but that's a matter of interpretation) or their personal growth (I see a lot of people saying Buck is repeating old mistakes, I say, he's not, he said "help me pick out a couch" which is a very different thing to "came with couches").

To me, the moment they would have started signaling an actual change in that story of two best friends becoming more would have been Eddie's talk with his aunt, after the date with Vanessa. That would have been the latest they could have started building up so much as a realization in the finale - not even a get together, just a proper realization.

They didn't do that and we don't know why. We don't know if the show has been nudged into this direction by executives or they didn't want to rush it and because they were afraid of cancellation they thought doing it badly would be worse than not doing it. Or maybe they just didn't want to.

What I do know is that this show isn't subtle, it never has been. Eddie saying "dating someone you rescued never works out" is a giant unmissable red flag the size of "are you following your heart, or Christopher's". So I don't think those relationships are meant to last in a meaningful way and that's okay. Because I don't know what you got from "Love Is In The Air" but what I got from it is that the attempt is worth it, that love and trying to love is worth it even if it doesn't work out. So them starting something with girls that are probably not going to last is not the worst thing that could ever happen. Eddie has literally never been in an adult relationship and Buck, well, Buck to this day (including Natalia) has never chosen one for himself.

And what upsets me when I think about Buck and Eddie is that their relationship with each other is so precious, but also weirdly fragile, like they're two magnets that keep spinning so they're in turns drawing together and pushing apart. But I know that they're meant to be together to the end - and that's the lesson of "Love Is In The Air" too, it doesn't matter when, your true love will find you in the end. (see also: Hen's mom, Athena and Bobby, Hen and Karen, Maddie and Chim - they're all people who've had other significant and occasionally disastrous relationships before finding each other)

I know how hard it is to root for a queer ship, I do know the difference between this and shipping het couples. Because there IS a significant difference to how seriously it's being considered. Het couples don't always get together either or get handled badly, but there is always this expectation that they will. When you're into queer ships that aren't foundational aka initially intended by the narrative, you're always on the back foot, always fighting to be taken seriously, and if you, like me, are also queer, it's often personal in a way that het ships just aren't.

And vindication is such a good feeling - this moment when they get together and you were RIGHT. You read all the signs and you were RIGHT. It's nice. Winning at fandom is a hell of a rush.

Today it feels like you lost. It's like your team fumbled the ball and you're sitting there with all your paraphernalia and your team is in the mud, crying because someone else took the trophy. That's okay. You're allowed to feel that. And it's okay if you want to come back tomorrow and still root for them or pack it all away to move on. There should be no judgement either way.

But you were not wrong. Poker date was shot as a date. Eddie was wearing Buck's shirt in the hardware store when Bobby gave him dating advice and they made sure we knew that. Buck and Eddie are so often put together in ways that make you think, hey, hey, maybe?

You are not wrong.

The people in charge of these stories, the people making them, the writers and producers and actors, they actually don't know that we're working from a place of deep hurt - because this thing that only ever happens to straight people, this long slow burn that pays off and makes you feel like you won something, we deserve that, too. But to them it's all just stories, the same stories, they don't understand that they're hurting you - us - when they treat it so casually. Like, "will they, won't they", is only fun when they ever, ever, at least once, do.

I can't tell you where this is going - I know that in a lot of ways, each season of a show is a new start, a new story. Buddie isn't any more dead today than it was yesterday or the day Taylor kissed Buck. It's no less real than any other ship that hasn't quite gotten there yet. And every season is a new beginning. I can tell you that side characters like Marisol and Natalia? They exist in het couples, too, just ask the Chenford fandom about Chris and Ashley. (btw, this is how Buddie double date with feelings realization can still win)

And I know how hard it is to trust a process when there's no precedent, no time to look back and and say, hey, remember that other time, that other show, where that totally worked out? Because it just hasn't, really. There isn't a show where main characters of the same gender explicitly fell in love over the course of seasons even though they weren't originally intended to, at least not one that I remember.

But nothing says they won't, not today. This could be a speedbump, or it could actually be helpful. You know all those thousands of fics where dating other people actually helped them realize what they have/what they're missing? Some of the most popular fics in the fandom are about exactly that. So it's not like we're dead in the water.

(And just for kicks, here's a thing: I thought couch theory was never very substantial as a working *theory* of anything, but as a metaphor it actually has come into its own - Buck wants to pick a couch with Natalia because *he* believes that couches and romantic relationships are connected. And that actually gives more power to the way they showed him on Eddie's couch again and again, something he already has but that isn't really his. Just like Chris and Eddie. And one of these days, he will figure that out.)

[deluweil]

Can I be honest? when S7 comes out and rating are low like the final because of the fandom, I'm going to be really upset. Why can't we just enjoy the show? Do I want buddie to happen? Yes but that doesn't mean I rate the show so dangerously low where we don't get a season 8 also it hurts the cast they will lose their jobs oliver already struggles with being an actor if it wasn't for 9-1-1 he would have listened to his manager and gone back to England people in this fandom need to think before they act

I've been screaming it for over a week now.

This isn't about buddie not happening.

This is about the bad writing, the uncreative choices.

The repeated patterns.

The half baked storylines that they start and end badly or just abandon them altogether.

Not just for Buck and Eddie, but the entire main characters.

It's that they keep bringing women as LIs but they make no effort to build their arc properly and they always make sure to put them in a bad light, then tell us to like them.

It's the fact that we're watching the same stories written and played out again and again without any character development that sticks.

It's exhausting.

Do yourself a favor and watch other firefighter shows, then rewatch the last three seasons of 911 and tell me that you don't feel like we've been going in circles.

[lover-of-mine]

Lady Whistledown. I totally understand if you don't post this. Huge no worries because honestly, their fandom is on fire, and it makes me sad the hate they send you. Like it's a damn ship, people. Just stop.

But to get where we are now you sort of have to go back to the beginning of epsiode 4 last season then repeat after every sentence their copium after 24 hours of rage was "well duh the Buddies are crazy so of course ". Oliver only posted he and Eddie for his coming out episode. Oliver never followed or promoted Lou and now they even admit there is bad blood. Oliver never talked to them only Lou took the money. Oliver gave too much attention in the BTS of the medal ceremony to Ryan. Oliver didn't talk about bisexuality in regards to Tommy only to the fact he is. Oliver never promoted interviews. Oliver posted more of Gerrard this season. Oliver flirts too much with Ryan. They didnt get Hen approval scene. No JLH scene after she said they filmed in the same building. They never got the family scenes of Christopher with his 3 dad's. Got more Eddie and Tommy. More Tommy and Eddie. Tommy was supposed to be a main. And as always they would throw Buck off a bridge to get Eddie and Tommy.

So now we lean into Narnia. They had a high after the first episode. OK he's there. But honestly after the initial time. It was a nothing scene. It was about Eddie. It could have been 2 friends teasing each other. Then everything fell apart after that. He wasnt with Athena. He didn't save the day. He didn't have a double date breakfast with Bathena the day after. The worst? They used his truck and he wasn't even there. There is a lot of chatter of the story is narrowing. All they wanted was a 118 family dinner. But he was iced out. Now it's pretty excepted he's not part of the 118. He will be regulated for however long to just Bucks partner. Saw one rage that at least they used Taylor in her job and they couldn't here. We are clearly going into Eddie's isolation arc. They hate his interviews that came out today. He won't be the one to get Christopher back. They basically lost all of their hopes. His story now is how Buck resolves Gerrard issues. Oh and weird fact they seriously thought that when Lou came out of hiding for ABs birthday that it was proof the Athena Tommy connection. She had his back. And well we know how that worked out.

Back on grass. Its been sort of wild to see them keep lowering their bar to make themselves feel better about the story. Well we didn't see Karen sort of thing. Oh but also an annoyance at Josh with Maddie. Apparently in their world there's a limit to queer people and it can only be BT and Henren.

Hello my love 🩷🩷

This made me giggle, ngl. Each episode proving their spec wrong was awesome lol. He was there for 30 seconds and had 2 lines and they were expecting him to be everywhere. It was extra sweet to see a black child do the thing they were convinced he would. He wasn't on the plane. He wasn't on the highway. He wasn't lowered through the hole in the cockpit. He wasn't on top of the truck. Buck didn't even mention a little plane fact he learned from him. He was only in the story when he was on screen and he was barely there. And now the conflict with Gerrard can't be good for the relationship considering his past. Of course they hate Oliver even though Oliver is the main character and he's made it very clear where he stands when it comes to them, but the flirting too much with Ryan made me scream. They are so mad they rpfing. I kinda love that they want more of Tommy and Eddie but even though he was in a scene about Eddie, he did not interact with Eddie, not really. I guess living of "you're a vision in a cone" is not good when there's a plane emergency and he's not there. And yeah, the show did find a way to incorporate the journalist, if they wanted to incorporate the firefighter pilot, they would, too bad they don't. I did not see the bathena breakfast spec, that one is funny as hell. I wanna say I can't believe they actually thought the comment was a message but, I totally can, and that obviously didn't go anywhere. And of course they are turning on Josh, why wouldn't they. I will say their cope has been glorious to read, like my god you guys are so close to the point and missing it. I can't imagine how mad they must be behind closed doors.

[dorothygale]

Yes to all of your tags on my post because I could’ve been chill with Eddie/Marisol, I’ve been assuming that for a while, and you’re right that that’s more about showing that he is truly ready to get back out there but…Buck/Natalia…yeah I don’t get it

right like what is the reason!! what is the reason!!

i've had a vague theory since last ep and this ep actually kinda confirms what i was thinking... a lot of people have pointed out the similarities with taylor and ana, and i think natalia and marisol are going to be taylor and ana Redux. the relationships with T and A were both so tainted with palpable wrongness and I think N and M are going to fill similar roles, they will SEEM better, but it's still not right bc it's still repeating old mistakes. natalia is better for buck than taylor was but he still isn't being an active participant. maybe eddie will feel less anxious about a future with marisol but he still keeps her at arm's length. if any of that makes sense.

also i'm positive this is an extremely unpopular opinion but i am hoping wishing praying for this book thing with taylor to be a big plot point next season. the show has never really committed to what exactly they want her to be (is she a ruthless reporter "with a heart of gold" (dubious)? is she a traumatized daughter? is she the hero's girlfriend? all these things could and should exist in the same character but they never really seemed to connect at all with her) and i would KILL to get her in a proper villain arc. it would almost justify all the shit we've had to watch with her already. reframing her storyline as a spiral into Evil would just be delicious to me. but i know nobody wants to see her on their screens no matter what. lmao

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Do you think the bt break up will be as queer coded as the eddieana’s or more about buck’s feelings? I mean with Lucy in it I wonder how they’ll play it out

Hey Nonnie

I saw part tow of this ask, so I will answer them as one rather than two separate answers!

Its actually a complicated thing to answer and my personal feeling is that we're going to see it be very much around Bucks feelings - what he want's in a relationship and partner being at the fore - I think we might see him confessing that his kiss with Lucy was a manifestation of his uncertainty about his feelings for Taylor an that he was clinging to her because he felt like he had nothing else at the time. How much more Lucy will play into things - I don't know, but I don't think much beyond what I've already said - she was a catalyst and in that respect she's already played her part (although like I've said before Taylor finding out that Buck is working with the 'random club girl he kissed' is going to re-trigger that initial

Something is obviously going to happen to push Buck into finally admitting what he's been skirting around for the last couple of episodes - because where we're at with Buck now, is not him realising what he wants or doesn't want, he's still in the 'if I say I love her enough maybe I'll start to feel it, believe it, and I messed up and we're living together so I owe it to her to stick with this and relationships are work so I can't give up because its always going to be like this' phase of thinking. What that something is, I'm not sure, because its going to need to be something important to push him to where he needs to be - it might be a series of somethings - Eddie and Chris, Maddie and Chim, something that happens on a call, Taylor herself saying or doing something.

But Buck is going to come to the realisation that he has been pretending for far to long in his relationship, pretending he is happy, pretending he has deeper feelings than he actually does and pretending that he can make it work if he keeps pushing down what he actually already knows and accepting that he's going to hurt her no matter what - its unavoidable and it always has been. All of that has to go hand in hand with him realising what he actually wants - because you can't really achieve or accept one without the other they are two sides of the same coin.

We may see some Queer coding - if the writers choose to have Buck acknowledge and accept part of the way he's feeling is because he realises he already built what he wants - with Eddie, but I expect it to be far more subtle that Eddies break up because the writers aren't just going to rinse and repeat - plus we've been tortured with far more Taylor than any of us ever wanted - she has more of an established character that Ana ever had so I expect it to be played very differently because of that fact alone! We also have to remember Eddie was and has been going through a full on Queer panic - it's been written as a part of his trauma arc - repression et all.

I've not been getting that vibe with Bucks own arc - I'm getting much more of a Buck won't be bothered by his sexuality, or labels - that its not something he'll feel the need to question in the same way as Eddie has - for Buck it feels like its going to be much more of a 'Oh I'm in love with my best friend how long have I felt like this and how didn't I realise it before' immediately followed by acceptance of this as his new reality, rather than entailing any panic in the way we've been experiencing with Eddie - its more simple for Buck and I think its great if we see it unfold in this way - because I think its important to show there are different types of Queer awakenings in your thirties and that there is no right or wrong way for it to happen.

[whateverthedragonswant]

one thing that is different about the break up scene is the way its filmed like hat has to be a big deal

Hi, Nonnie! Yes, I completely agree with you!!! That scene was amazing and it wasn't just because of Eddie and Ana breaking up. Eddie chose to do this for himself and yet he knew what he was giving up. Even Ana during the breakup (the way GW performed it) highlighted just what Eddie was choosing not go through with. I mean, she literally tells him that he's an amazing father even when her heart is breaking. She reaches out for him and squeezes his arm even though he never relaxes his arms. She leans in to kiss his cheek and he starts to lean into her touch but stops himself. All of it was absolutely incredible:

aThey start out with the ready-made family (where Eddie is the only one not eating the food Ana made), the family Eddie isn't sure he's ready for, and more importantly, we see Christopher and Ana are on the same page and have bonded. They're close. And then they go right into the breakup, and Eddie and Ana are alone, showing even through the staging that this is all about Eddie and not Christopher. He can't do it, no matter how much Christopher loves Ana. This was one hell of a powerful scene and Ryan and Gabrielle both knocked it out of the park.

And the interesting part of the family scene before it narrows down to Eddie and Ana was Ana saying "But I am not going to leave you with a disaster in the kitchen" and then Eddie's face:

And then him looking to Christopher who then says "A disaster" in echo before Eddie gets up to follow Ana. Buck was present in this scene even though it wasn't technically about him. With just that one line, the Buckley Diaz family made its appearance for a split second:

And it's no surprise to me that they didn't show Christopher here (or anytime after) but we heard his echo of that word from Ana and Eddie does as well, then says "Yeah" and then goes to take the opportunity to end things with Ana. It's almost as if that bolstered him whether by him thinking about the family he and Buck have created or even just remembering what Buck had told him in 5x02 in regards to Ana. He didn't know what to say, like he told Buck earlier, but once this occurred, he knew exactly what to say and do.

I know I keep repeating myself but Eddie's season 3 arc is coming back strong this season. They're really bringing it out. Buck getting the tsunami alert this season (besides for Buck's own story line) is no accident. We're going to be seeing the Buckley Diaz family (as well as Eddie's feelings that began to build in season 3) come back around and be addressed head on.

So I'm glad Tim and the show gave this breakup moment the focus it deserved. It was integral to Eddie's character (as well as another plot point for Buddipher). They did a beautiful job and I couldn't have asked for more honestly.

Thank you for the ask, Nonnie! I hope you have a lovely rest of your night!!! <3

[enbyeddiediaz]

Since I really enjoyed your thoughts on the first one I can’t help myself

Let Me Be Sad by I Prevail but it’s from Eddie’s point of view during the lawsuit arc

I think this one is gonna end up being longer than the first 💀

ok so I started by just listening to the music and not really paying attention to the words since the score of something can make or break the lyrics and the hurt and anger is palpable in the music. even without listening to the words, you know this song is about someone's pain, their hardship. the music isn't violent by any means and neither is eddie. the music is hurt, it's in pain, and it doesn't know what to do abt it which is exactly where eddie's at. you can feel eddie's pain when you watch it and see him but you know he's just trying to find a way to deal with everything somehow. the music is someone's way of dealing with their grief the only way they know how, lashing out in the only way they can. this is eddie throughout the entirety of the lawsuit and fight club arcs. he doesn't know how to deal with all the shit thrown at him.

moving on the the lyrics

"I'm holding back right now/'cause I'm numb to what's around" in his session with Frank, Eddie talks about how there were moments where he knew he should feel something, anything, but he doesn't. it's clearly something that's been happening for a while. he's tamping everything down because he needs to maintain control of SOMETHING in his life.

"I miss the life I used to have with you right here/Now everything has turned grey/And I'm blacking out the shades for now". Now this section could apply to either shannon or buck but (obviously) I'm choosing Buck. Eddie misses Buck. his world is darker without buck. to him, buck has abandoned him, left him in the dust. he doesn't know what to do except shut down. buck was the only thing other then christopher helping him keep it together and now he's gone. he misses the life they had built together, with game and movie nights and family outings. he opened up to buck and now he's gone. so instead of dealing with this, he slips on a mask. one that makes him look normal, that hides the emptiness and pain he's really feeling.

"let me be sad/even for a little while/just a chance to catch my breath/let me be sad/even for a little while/'cause it's all I have left/when all I see are the memories, I don't want to lose a thing/let me be sad, let me be sad" all this shit happened in such a short period of time (shannon, the ladder truck, buck's embolism, the tsunami, the lawsuit). he hasn't had a moment to process it, to breathe, like the song says. it's just been piled on and on and on without a break. the weight on his shoulders is immense. and now, he's looking back on the life he had built with buck (and maybe thinking about the life he might have built with him in the future) and he wants it SO. BAD. he doesn't want buck to leave him, to have to do any of this without him. but he can't. buck is gone. he's not allowed to talk to him, not allowed to see him. Chris can't see or talk to him in the aftermath of such a huge shared trauma. it feels too similar to Shannon running out on them. he wants to grieve and be sad and feel it all but he's not allowed to. he's been taught to work around the grief, not through it. push it down, step over it, don't acknowledge it. he especially can't let other people see it. we catch a glimpse of it in 2.17 where he finally allows himself to feel anything abt shannon's death. he's alone, can't let anyone know how deeply he's affected by it. he can't be seen being "weak". he can't give in, even if he desperately wants to (give into his grief OR his feelings for buck, can't acknowledge them bc then he'll have to do something abt them).

"Can you see it in my eyes I've been distant?/'Cause I can't tell if it's the end or the beginning/I know I haven't been myself, I'll admit it/And I put up walls, so if I burned any bridges just know/I'm doing everything I can to fix it/But knowing me I'll probably miss it" this makes me think of when Buck officially comes back to the 118. Buck can tell smthg is off with eddie but eddie is still distancing himself from buck. he's still angry and hurt. we all know damn well eddie WANTS to talk to buck, WANTS him back in his life, but he's not ready. this is a turning point in their relationship but it's not clear if it's good or bad until eventually buck reaches out and asks eddie to just talk to him at all, even just to yell at him. and eddie gives in. just a little, just enough to not totally wreck his relationship with buck, just enough to feel SOMETHING. But the fight club doesn't stop, and he hasn't told buck about the fight club, even if Buck knows something is up with eddie. there's still a distance between them, even if it's lesser than before. Eddie can't give in completely yet.

"these voices get so vicious/feels like I'm ripping stitches/I wish some days I could go back/before life changed, it was so fast/that time is gone and I know that/so please//let me be sad" and then the rest of the chorus. here is where I imagine eddie in the ring, angry and lashing out. he's about to reach his breaking point. he wants the life he had before. before he almost broke up with his best friend bc of a lawsuit, before his son was swept up in a tsunami and he almost lost him, before his son had nightmares abt the tsunami and his mother dying, before he almost lost his best friend in a truck bombing, before his wife asked for a divorce and then died the next day. before everything went to shit. but he can't have that, and he knows it. things have changed permanently. and again, he wants to grieve it, wants to let himself feel sad about it, but he doesn't know how. it goes against everything he's been taught. he doesn't know how to let go and give in to what he's feeling.

the chorus repeats a couple times and then there's a repetition of the beginning stanza: "I'm holding back right now/(let me be sad)/'Cause I'm numb to what's around/I miss the life I used to have with you right here/now everything has turned to grey/And I'm blacking out the shades for now". while lyrically it's the same, it feels different emotionally. in the beginning the "for now" feels like forever, like there's no end, this is just where he's going to be for the rest of his life. however, it currently feels like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. he's back on speaking terms with buck, they're having game nights again. he still misses what he had before, but maybe now, eventually, he can move on. maybe soon he can give in. maybe soon he can work through the grief instead of around it. maybe he can do it with buck.

[seeaddywrite]

give me strength so i can see (buddie; 9-1-1)

wow, okay, this is absolutely not something i should have written before i finished one of my wips, but this is what happened. i fully blame 9-1-1 & the chemistry between Buck & Eddie, because i couldn’t NOT write fic after the tsunami arc ended. this is my first foray into the fandom & their heads, so please be kind. also, this fic would not exist in its entirety without @soberqueerinthewild, who is always the best cheerleader, beta, & person around. <3 i’ve been in a bit of writing slump lately, so it feels really good to actually finish something!

warnings for self-loathing, references to depression, & excessive amounts of adverbs. 

The moment that Buck sees Christopher safely reunited with his father, all of the stress and adrenaline that had kept him going for the last several hours floods away instantaneously. He collapses forward, uncaring of the hard ground that rushes up to meet him. Hen and Chimney stop him from face-planting on the floor of the emergency hospital, but Buck barely tracks their reassurances or their hands as they try to assess the damage he’s done to himself in his frantic attempts to find Christopher. Buck wants to tell them to stop, that he’s fine, that all he ever needed was to witness the scene unfolding in front of them, with Eddie and Christopher, but he can’t quite manage the words through his chattering teeth. Blood loss is a bitch, and teamed with exhaustion, Buck knows it’ll take a while before he’s fully able to interact with the world again. 

Right now, that feels like a positive. The only two people he wants to talk to are half a hospital away, wrapped up in each other. Even when he regains feeling in his legs and is steady enough to leave the hospital, he doesn’t try to go near them. Instead, Buck watches from a distant cot as Christopher is checked out by a doctor and his father’s careful, assessing gaze, and slips through Chim and Hen’s guard to leave the makeshift hospital a moment after Chis is pronounced healthy, if tired and cold. 

It’s cowardly for him to leave like this, he knows, without so much as an apology to the brave little boy or any attempt to make this up to Eddie, but Buck is too tired to fight, and he’s not sure he could remain standing under the direct onslaught of Eddie’s entirely justified anger that night. Buck would face up to his mistakes later, but for now, it seems kinder for all of them to slip back to the apartment that doesn’t quite feel like a home and hide away under the blankets that still reek of depression and listlessness.  

It’s hard to sleep that night, despite the exhaustion plaguing him. The day’s events play on repeat in his head, waking him with a jolt every time he  manages to doze off. Every mistake is so obvious in retrospect -- had he really expected a child with cerebral palsy to keep himself steady on top of a floating fire truck? If he hadn’t had to play the hero, if he’d just stayed up there with Chris, it never would have happened. Buck would have had the little boy securely in his arms the entire time. He would never have been lost, or dependent on the kindness of strangers to get him to a hospital. Buck would never have been forced to look Eddie in the eye and tell him that he’d lost his son, or watch that familiar, impossibly deep gaze fill with grief and horror and blame before Chris’s miraculous reappearance. 

If Buck hadn’t had to play the fucking hero, maybe he would have finally been able to tell Eddie the truth about how he felt in the rush of victory, of survival and reunion. Maybe he would’ve finally had the guts to admit that being a best friend isn’t what he wants anymore, to say the words he’s been mulling over for what seems like forever. Maybe, just maybe, he could have discovered whether or not there was a chance for them to take things further -- but none of that matters now. The fear of being into guys -- or at least Eddie? Buck hasn’t quite figured that part out yet -- pales in comparison to the pain of losing a best friend and Christopher, who’d managed to get under his skin and cuddle in close to Buck’s heart when he wasn’t looking.  

In the end, Buck gets out of bed earlier than usual, giving up on sleep. There’s a slim chance that leaving his bed will stop his thoughts from continuing on that same, downward spiral, and Buck’s nothing if not a gambler. He winds up at the kitchen table, staring out at the sunrise with a beer sitting half-empty in front of him -- just staring out as the new day begins. It’s incredible, he muses, that from here, he could almost pretend nothing catastrophic had happened the day before. The sun is still rising, the birds are still chirping, the neighbors below him are still arguing at decibels loud enough to wake the dead. It’s the same as always, and just as he had for the last six months, Buck finds himself wondering how the world outside can simply keep going when his own personal world had come to a screeching halt. Only today, it’s worse than just losing his job, his identity. Now he’s lost his best friend, too, and the trust of a child he cares about. The losses are far more grievous.

A knock at the apartment door shakes him out of the self-loathing stupor, and Buck drags his aching body out of the kitchen chair with a groan. His bad leg throbs with the addition of his weight, but Buck has a lot of practice at ignoring that, these days, so he continues on with barely a limp, and opens the door, expecting to find Maddie, with her relentless optimism, or Bobby, with yet another pep talk prepared.

Instead, Eddie stares back at him from the hallway, his hands resting comfortably on Chris’s small shoulders as the little boy totters forward on his back-up crutches to hug Buck with a wide, blameless smile. Buck stands, stiff with astonishment, and pats Chris awkwardly on the back, still staring at Eddie, trying to figure out what the other man is playing at. Old instincts make him defensive, stiff, as Eddie leads Christopher into the apartment and begins rattling off the contents of the bag he’s plopped on the table next to Buck’s half-empty bottle. 

It’s hard, but Buck manages to tear his attention from Christopher, who’s sitting happily on the coffee table in front of the TV, to try to get a read on Eddie’s expression. Is this some kind of test? Is Buck supposed to play along, or is he supposed to blow up so Eddie has an easy excuse for Chris about why he’s not allowed to come over anymore? Buck has no idea, and the indecision makes him swallow harshly. He doesn’t want to fuck anything up any worse than he already has— by some miracle, he has both of the Diaz men in his home again, and God, Buck wants to keep them there. The sense of family they’ve given him in the last six months of hell is better than anything he’s had since he left home, and losing it once almost killed him. Losing it a second time, now, before he’s had the chance to say something? Buck doesn’t  think he could do it. 

“You want me to watch Christopher?” The words are incredulous, and not half as even as Buck would have liked, but he manages to keep his voice from cracking, so he takes the win where he can. 

Eddie’s less than a foot away now; Buck has closed the distance between at some point, but he honestly couldn’t pinpoint when. There’s no waver in his dark gaze, no uncertainty or anger, and Buck has no idea what to make of it, especially when his response is teasing and light. “It’s easy— he’s not very fast.”

Buck swallows the surprised response that threatens and schools his expression into something resembling calm, but his gut churns nervously. Everything about this interaction screams too easy, and if he’s learned anything through physical therapy, it’s that if something seems too easy, it probably is. No pain, no reward, his therapist is fond of reminding him, and Buck has always agreed. Then again, he’s never feared physical pain. This? The emotional toll of facing Eddie and Chris after his failures? That’s fucking terrifying.

“After everything that happened-“ 

“A natural disaster happened, Buck.”

Part of Buck wants to scoff, to point out everything that had happened after the natural disaster couldn’t be blamed on nature, not unless it was Buck’s. It is in his nature to tend toward making stupid fucking calls in the heat of the moment, after all. The other part of him soaks up Eddie’s words like a plant does sunlight. He keeps his eyes averted, though, still unable to accept it, unable to even fathom the possibility that Eddie doesn’t hate him. Because he should. Buck knows, because he’s pretty sure he hates himself. 

“I lost him, Eddie,” he manages, the reminder a low, defeated croak. Memories from the day before flicker in the spaces between words, broken images and impressions of the desperate search for Christopher, and Buck has to swallow once, twice, to defeat the nausea threatening to overcome him. Buck’s not a parent, isn’t sure he’ll ever be one, but he loves Christopher like his own, and the idea of losing him for good is more than enough to bring him to his knees.

 But Christopher is alive. He’d made it out of the tsunami despite Buck’s hubris, and is happily watching cartoons in the living room. 

The mental reminder is enough to stop Buck from vomiting on Eddie’s shoes, at least. 

“You saved him. That’s how he remembers it.” Eddie pauses, like he’s trying to let the weight of his words sink through Buck’s thick skull. And it’s not like Buck doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want to stop seeing every moment of that horrible day on repeat every time he closes his eyes. There’s not much he wouldn’t do to stop the sinking pit of guilt in his stomach, or the squirming sense of self-loathing when he comes close to meeting Eddie’s gaze. But he can’t. The fact that Christopher made it out alive doesn’t make up for Buck’s mistake, and Eddie knows that. Buck had read the blame in his eyes before Christopher showed up at the hospital, seen the way his entire body had shifted away from Buck and into tight, tense lines that spoke of a strong desire to punch him in the face -- at the least. 

It had hurt, torn open whatever parts of him weren’t already bleeding with Christopher’s loss, and Buck couldn’t forget it, so this entire conversation felt almost dreamlike, a fantasy that Buck isn’t sure he can trust, no matter how much he’d like to. 

“And now it’s turn to do the same for you,” Eddie continues, oblivious to Buck’s internal conflict. 

And God, Buck wants that. He wants to put the entire disaster behind him, ignore all of the ways he’d fucked up and cling to the second chance Eddie seems to be offering without talking about it -- but Buck’s played that game before. He knows how it always ends. Bottling difficult things never works for long, and the resulting explosion is usually worse than whatever the actual problem was. 

So Buck trails Eddie into his living room, staying just a step behind, and shakes his head when he feels himself become the focus on that intense gaze once again. “I was -- I was supposed to watch out for him,” he tries again, stumbling over the words he doesn’t really want to say. Buck doesn’t do shy or shrinking; his entire life has been about taking up space, being unapologetically himself, but this is different, somehow. This is Eddie, whose opinion has meant too damn much to Buck since the first day they locked eyes at the station, who’s such an integral part of Buck’s life and happiness that the idea of losing him sucks the air from Buck’s lungs. This matters, in a way that nothing but firefighting and Maddie ever had, and Buck won’t screw it up again. He can’t. 

“And what, you think you failed?” 

Damn it, did Eddie have to sound so nonchalant about this? Of course Buck failed! Christopher had been missing for six fucking hours -- no matter how that equation’s set up, the answer is still the same. 

“Buck, I’ve failed that kid more times than I care to count, and I’m his father.”

The words are layered in empathy, in a sense of understanding, that makes something constrict tightly in Buck’s chest. Eddie shouldn’t be comparing Buck’s failure to the trials of being an actual parent -- the two aren’t even remotely close. Christopher has always been safe, happy, and cared for with his father, and Buck knows it because he’s seen it. He’s seen Eddie fight for his son to have the best education, the best childcare, the best of everything. He’s seen Eddie cut himself off from dating on the off chance Christopher would get hurt, seen him leave his own home and family in order for Christopher to be closer to his. There’s nothing Eddie wouldn’t do for the boy, and knows that Eddie’s never really failed his son. Not when it counted. So he can’t help the short, instinctive shake of his head at the reassurance, because it’s just not true. 

“But I love him enough to never stop trying, and I know you do, too.”

Unnamed emotion clogs Buck’s throat, and he glances down at the floor, swallowing hard. It’s been hard to play the tough, cool guy the last several months, so Eddie’s already seen him as weak and vulnerable as Buck can get -- career-ending injuries, a lack of mobility, and obvious depression hadn’t done great things for his rep around the 118, not that Buck had particularly cared at the time. Eddie’d been around the most, though, only slightly less often than Maddie, and had seen it all. So it should be easy to admit to loving Christopher, to caring more about his best friend’s son than he cared about anyone outside of Maddie and the 118 squad. 

It isn’t. 

Buck doesn’t get a chance to say anything, which is probably a blessing. One of Eddie’s large, work-roughened hands claps his shoulder, and warmth bleeds through the thin cotton of Buck’s t-shirt and sends a thrill down his spine. He still doesn’t manage to meet the eyes waiting on him until he hears his name, the single syllable infused with an order that Buck can’t quite ignore. 

But once he gives in, Buck’s immediately lost to the intensity of Eddie’s familiar dark gaze. He’s so close, now, and the heat his body throws off is slowly seeping into the icy chasm in Buck’s chest. Maybe, he realizes, he can trust this -- trust Eddie. Because no matter what has gone on between them, no matter how much of an ass Buck has been, there’s never been any reason to doubt Eddie’s sincerity; and there’s no way he’d so cruel as to dangle forgiveness and understanding in front of Buck only to yank it away at the last minute. 

“There is nobody,” Eddie begins firmly, and the open honesty in his face makes Buck shiver. Paired with the soft tapping of his thumb against the exposed skin of Buck’s collarbone, it would be all too easy for Buck to sway into the broad chest in front of him and know that Eddie would catch him. “ -- in this world that I trust with my son more than you.” 

It’s the last thing he expects to hear, and Buck blinks rapidly at Eddie, trying to understand how it could possibly be true after the previous day’s terror -- but there’s no hesitation in Eddie’s stance, no hint of uncertainty or the blame Buck knows he caught yesterday at the hospital. Buck swallows again, the sound of his throat working audible in the sudden quiet. Thanks and emotional confessions jam in his mouth until he can’t say anything, and Eddie doesn’t give him a chance before he’s squeezing Buck’s shoulder and dropping the point of contact to go say goodbye to Christopher in the living room. 

Though his skin is cold where Eddie’s touch lingered, Buck’s grateful for the reprieve. He turns his head and wipes at damp eyes, trying to regain some of the composure he’s lost. Eddie is too good at stripping down every defense, at seeing past all of his walls and leaving Buck open and vulnerable. It’s why he was the only one who could cajole Buck into going to PT after his last surgery, when things were looking hopeless, why he alone could drag Buck out of bed when even Bobby and Athena got shown the door -- hell, Eddie had even wound up with a fucking spare key to the apartment when Maddy didn’t even have one. And Buck is tired of being weak and vulnerable, of needing constant reassurance that he’s wanted and forgiven. This broken-down, over-emotional man he’s become isn’t who Evan Buckley is, and Buck suddenly needs to make that really damn clear to Eddie. 

But Eddie’s already on his way out the door with a few teasing comments about staying in-land, so Buck lets him go with a chuckle that feels natural, even if the circumstances don’t. He pivots on his good leg to join Christopher in front of the television, only to stop short when Eddie pops his head back in the door. 

“Thank you,” he says, in that same voice that’s sent chills down Buck’s spine at least twice that morning. “For not giving up.” And Eddie’s gone before Buck can summon any sort of response beyond the frustrated yearning that builds in the pit of his stomach when he vanishes out of the doorframe. Buck stares after him helplessly -- and god damn it, it’s not fair that Eddie can be so damned perfect when Buck is still reeling. He’s had months to come to terms with the fact that Eddie is ridiculously good-looking; and it’s never been a big deal that he likes to watch him work out, once in a while. So does pretty much everyone at the station. But this want, this desperation for Eddie’s approval, for his care and closeness -- that’s not normal. That’s not straight. And yeah, okay, maybe Buck’s had a few hints that he could be into guys before, maybe he’s considered and discarded the idea a few times over the years, but it’s never been like this. It’s never been so all-consuming, so impossible to ignore. It’s never been so terrifying. Not because Eddie’s a guy; Buck could care less about that. But Eddie is Buck’s best friend. Hell, outside of the others at the 118, Eddie’s his only friend. The rest have all disappeared, lost in the gaping chasm that separates first responders from civilians who could never understand the pull of the job, no matter how dangerous it might be. And then, of course, there’s Christopher -- the kid who’s still sitting in the living room in front of the TV, patiently waiting for Buck to get his shit together and join him. 

Right. Crisis later. Babysitting now. 

He can do this, one step at a time. Eddie’s not mad at him, and if he says that Chris isn’t either, then Buck can take him at his word. Buck drags in a slow breath, straightens his shoulders, and goes to join the child on the couch with a genuine, if small, smile.

“Hey, buddy …” 

****** 

They spend the day in the apartment, this time. Buck wants to say that it’s because they deserve a lazy day after previous one’s mess, but really, there’s a large part of him that’s afraid to set foot outside with Christopher, no matter how slim the chance of a second natural disaster. So they spend hours on the floor of the living room building increasingly complex structures with Legos and order that pizza Eddie prescribed and devour the entire thing --  if Buck eats a little more than he normally would, it definitely isn’t because Eddie told him to. It’s light and uncomplicated, just easy camaraderie that Buck never expected himself capable of finding with anyone, let alone a little kid, and the ease of it all is enough to allow some of his anxiety to bleed away. For the first time in the last thirty-six hours, Buck is truly able to relax. 

Christopher’s energy starts to wane after dinner, so Buck takes the initiative to put in one of the movies shoved in the bag Eddie packed for him. They end up in a pile of blankets and cushions on the floor -- Buck’s leg is stiff and sore after yesterday’s exertions, and Christopher hasn’t said anything, but he’s moving a lot more slowly than usual, and taking extra care when he does, so Buck guesses that he’s in some pain, too. Cerebral Palsy isn’t something he knows a whole lot about, but a lack of muscle tone is pretty obvious, and clinging to poles and other floating refuse during the tsunami had to have taken a toll on his little body. Not that Christopher had ever complained -- and that, right there, is yet another reason for Buck to be in awe of what that child is capable of. 

“Buck?” 

The small voice interrupts whatever animated crap is on the screen, and Buck glances down at Chris in askance. From this angle, all he can see is blonde curls; Chris has his cheek pressed against Buck’s chest, and is curled up beneath one arm. The warm weight against his body has Buck half asleep himself, but he rouses enough to ask, “Yeah?” 

“You didn’t lose me.” The simple, sleepy words make Buck’s heart seize, and he stares down at the top of Christopher’s head, trying to form words with numb lips. “I heard you tell Daddy that you did, but you didn’t.” Buck is struck speechless. He freezes, and the silence in the room seems a condemnation of his inability to speak, but Christopher doesn’t seem to mind. He presses on, unconcerned. “You found me, and I kept swimming, just like Dory, and I found you and Daddy. And I’m safe, and you’re safe, and we don’t need to be scared anymore.”  The matter-of-fact, blunt sentiment is hard for Buck to swallow, but he runs a hand over Christopher’s disheveled curls and down his back, anyway.

“I’m sorry you had to be scared at all, buddy,” he says honestly, and manages to keep his voice level and calm, despite the uncertainty he feels. “But you’re right. You’re safe now, and that’s what matters.” It seems like the most natural thing in the world to drop a casual kiss to the crown of blonde hair, and Buck doesn’t allow himself to second-guess the impulse when it’s done. “Come on, kid, you’re falling asleep. Let’s get you up to bed, huh? Your dad won’t be here for another few hours, and I think we both deserve a nap.” It’s not his most graceful or subtle subject change, but Chris is young enough not to notice -- or tactful enough to let it go, Buck’s honestly not sure which. 

Mock complaints and grumblings get tossed around, but Christopher clings to Buck’s neck as he carries him up the stairs and helps him settle into the bed with a minimum amount of fuss. They lay on the mattress together for half an hour, until Christopher’s breathing is slow and even, and there’s no hint of wakefulness on his young face. Buck knows better than to ruin his progress with sleeping during the day; that’s a one-way ticket back to the land of depression and hopelessness, and he refuses to fall back into bad habits. Instead, he slides from the bed, careful not to jolt the other occupant, and heads downstairs. He hadn’t had a chance to do his stretches and exercises from physical therapy that day, yet, and he knows he needs to -- firefighter or no, he’s not losing any mobility. The stretches have the added bonus of requiring all of his attention and focus, so his mind won’t wander to any dark places. Or any Eddie-shaped places, which Buck is pretty sure he should avoid, too. 

So that’s how Eddie finds Buck an hour or so later, sweat-soaked and lying, arms and legs akimbo, on the living room floor. He hadn’t heard a knock, or even the door opening, over the pounding of his own heart, and Buck flails upright into a sitting position when he hears the familiar chuckle from the entryway. 

“Only you would spend an entire day fighting a tsunami and still feel like you need to work out the next day,” Eddie says lightly as he enters the room, dressed in the same casual outfit from this morning. There’s a cut above his eye that hadn’t been there before, and Buck knows him well enough to read the fatigue in the set of his shoulders and the lines around his mouth. He recognizes that look from a hundred rough shifts, and can imagine what Eddie’s seen today on clean-up duty from the tsunami. He shudders, then carefully picks himself up off the ground and leads his guest into the kitchen to grab them both a beer without asking if Eddie wants one.

“Can’t slack off on PT,” Buck explains as they both settle down at the tiny kitchen table. “I may not be a firefighter anymore, but I’m not going to get stuck working behind a desk somewhere.” He can’t quite look directly at Eddie, but it’s easier now than it had been this morning to try. The sucking pit of desolation in his chest is gone, replaced by a stupid, schoolgirl flutter of nerves in his gut when they stand too close, and Buck doesn’t really know what to do with that -- but it’s easier than waiting to hear if Eddie’s decided to close him out of his and Christopher’s life for good. 

“You’re not going to end up behind a desk,” Eddie says firmly. There’s a frown forming between his brows, and something distinctly unhappy in the way he’s staring at Buck. Before the latter has a chance to question it, Eddie stands up and grabs both bottles of beer from the table. Without a word, he shoves both of them back in the fridge, then turns to face Buck again with his chin raised in challenge. “Unless you keep drinking your breakfast, lunch, and dinner, that is. Did you even eat today?” 

Buck’s spine stiffens defensively. “Chris ate lunch and dinner,” he says carefully. There’s good reason for Eddie to doubt that Buck’s been taking good care of his son, after all, even if this morning it had seemed they were passed it. “And I wouldn’t drink when I was watching him, Eddie.” 

A complicated series of emotions flickers over Eddie’s face, but it’s hidden behind one large hand before Buck can even try to translate it. “I didn’t ask if Christopher had eaten,” he says quietly, and drags his hand down his face to rest on the table directly in front of Buck. The movement has him leaning down, leaving them so close that their faces mere inches from each other. Immediately, the speed of Buck’s heartbeat kicks up a notch, and he curses himself for reacting so inappropriately to mere proximity. “I told you this morning, man -- I trust you with my son. I know you wouldn’t drink while you were watching him, or forget to feed him, just like I know you never gave up on him yesterday.” 

Buck chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment, then deliberately leans back in his chair, trying to put some space between them before he answers. “Then what’s up with the third degree?” he demands, trying for some semblance of his usual bravado. “If you really thought I was taking good care of Christopher, why are you --”

“Because Christopher isn’t the only person I care about, Buck,” Eddie cuts in sharply. Frustration emanates from him in waves, and Buck wants to offer reassurance, but he’s too busy trying not to read too far into those words to manage it. Eddie cares about him. He’s known that for months -- caring isn’t the same as wanting to be with someone romantically. The two of them are friends. Best friends. And Buck needs to get ahold of himself before he says or does something to ruin that. 

“What --” 

“Don’t sit there and act like you don’t know what I mean!” Eddie shoves away from the table and paces in a circle around the table, never taking his eyes off of Buck as he does so. Unlike other moments when Eddie looks at him, Buck finds he doesn’t like this sort of scrutiny. It leaves him feeling like all of his weakest, most fragile parts have been put on display, and Buck’s never been good at admitting to his own problems. “It was bad enough when you were laid up from surgery, but now you’re either drinking or sleeping, or pushing yourself way too hard in PT. You’ve been losing weight for weeks, and it’s not healthy, Buck! I’m worried about you!”

Silence reigns in the kitchen for a long moment as Buck tamps down hard on the impulse to bellow that he’s fine, and no one asked Eddie to worry about him -- that’s the response of a scared man-child, not the person that Buck is trying to be. And truthfully, it’s nice to know that someone’s looking out for him. The others at the 118 and Maddy try, Buck knows, but they’re easy to reassure. A grin here, a cock-sure comment about his prowess there, a playful slug to the shoulder, and almost everyone sees him as the same old Buck who’d gotten into the fire engine the night of the bombings. 

Eddie’s not that easy to fob off, and as much as it makes Buck feel uncomfortable, it makes him feel seen. 

“I’m okay, Eddie,” he says instead, and lifts his chin to hold the skeptical gaze aimed at him. “I am, really.” The words feel honest, for the first time in quite a while, and Buck even manages a genuine smile. “You were right, when you dropped Chris off yesterday. Hanging out with him -- it was what I needed.” Buck shakes his head in remembered awe of the little boy and his strength. Even stranded in rushing water higher than his head, clinging to a pole for dear life, Christopher had been braver than Buck ever could be, and his courage and grace under pressure had shown Buck exactly how much work he had to do to deserve any part of the life he felt entitled to. “You and him -- even with everything yesterday -- you guys made me realize I needed to do something different, or I was going to end up somewhere I never wanted to be.” His smile thins, slightly, and Buck reaches out to touch one of the arms crossed over Eddie’s chest. “Even if I’m still not sure how you forgave me so easily, after what I did.” 

An exasperated huff escapes Eddie’s mouth, and gives the impression that if this were a cartoon, he’d be tossing his hands in the air. “Buck, there was never anything to forgive!” he says, voice pitched just low enough that it wouldn’t wake Christopher. “You got stuck in a tsunami. I know you’ve got an ego, but you can’t really take credit for a natural disaster. And Christopher is fine!” 

“But he almost wasn’t!” Buck interjects, tired of being the rational one in the room. If Eddie seriously wants to have this conversation, then he’s going to have to face the truth, too. “Give me a fucking break, Eddie -- those two mintues between me telling you I’d lost him and that woman showing up with Chris in her arms? You did blame me. You looked at me, and that’s all I could see, okay? You did blame me. And you were right. I messed up. I was supposed to look out for your son, and I failed, and it’s okay for you to blame me for it.” 

God, Buck’s tired. He hasn’t been until this moment, but it’s like this argument and facing these awful truths have sapped every last bit of energy from his veins, and he’s not sure how much longer he’ll be up for arguing with Eddie in his kitchen. He leans forward on his elbows over the table an exhales gustily, then lifts his chin again, determined to catch the moment when Eddie finally admits the truth to himself. 

But instead of the realization Buck has been expecting, Eddie’s face is only showing that same frustration. They freeze like that for a moment, Buck leaning against the table and trying hard to hold himself together, Eddie staring down at him from his position against the wall of the kitchen, arms folded over his chest, that guilt-laden frustration obvious in his expression. 

Then, faster than Buck can track, Eddie’s standing in front of his chair, grabbing his elbows and pulling him to his feet. It’s a gentle yank, and Buck could have ignored it if he chose, but he’s shocked enough by Eddie’s closeness that he goes along with it. They end up toe-to-toe, close enough that Buck can feel warm breath on his cheek, and there’s nowhere to look that doesn’t end with him staring back into Eddie’s dark eyes. 

“Look at me now,” Eddie tells him quietly, and Buck has to quell a shiver as two solid hands land on both of his shoulders, squeezing with just a little too much pressure to be truly comfortable. “I want you to stand here, and look straight at me while I tell you this: I do not blame you for what happened yesterday. I’m grateful to you for not giving up on him, okay? I know you love him, and I can’t even tell you how relieved I am that he has you in his corner.”

This feels like the conversation they should have had this morning, when more was being left unsaid that wasn’t, and this time, Buck isn’t going to pretend. “I do love him,” he admits, still looking straight into Eddie’s face. Vulnerability is hard, but it would be harder to keep pretending -- and Buck’s so damn tired of pretending. “And I, uh … I believe you.” Because there’s no denying reality, not when it’s quite literally staring him in the face. No matter what he saw, or thought he saw, yesterday, Eddie really doesn’t blame Buck for losing Christopher. They’re still solid, still good, and Buck’s not losing anyone. 

Relief swamps him as hard as any of the waves from the day before, even though Buck had thought he’d stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop that morning. Apparently, anxiety isn’t that easy to get rid of, even when it’s not screaming in the back of his head. He shifts to take a step back, to carry himself out of Eddie’s gravitational pull, before he ends up falling into his chest or something equally embarrassing, but Eddie’s grip just tightens on his shoulders, not allowing Buck to go anywhere. 

A second passes, two, and Eddie leans in a little closer, until they’re sharing the same breath. Buck swallows convulsively, telling himself over and over that he’s misreading the situation, that this can’t be what it feels like, but he can’t stop his eyes drifting down Eddie’s face to catch stubbornly on his mouth.  Full lips quirk up in a smirk, and heat rushes to pool in Buck’s belly. He doesn’t know what this moment is or how they got here, doesn’t know where they’re going next, but that smirk tells him everything that he needs to know: Eddie knows what Buck wants. Knows how he feels. Probably has for a while. 

And he hasn’t gone anywhere.

“I keep waiting for you to figure it out,” Eddie says in a low voice, and Buck’s eyelashes flutter before he can remind himself that he wants to be wholly present in this moment and doesn’t want to miss a damn thing. “I don’t go around telling everyone I meet that I trust them with my son’s life, Buck. Outside of my family, you’re it, do you get that?” It’s Eddie’s turn to swallow, and Buck tracks the movement of his throat with wide eyes. “You’re it.”

There’s a different meaning to the words the second time Eddie says them, and Buck feels like a kid at the eye doctor, putting glasses on for the first time. When he looks back at every interaction he’s had with Eddie since the bombs, he can see the same want reflected in Eddie’s face that has stared back at him in the mirror every day. When he runs his eyes over Eddie’s expression, he can read the same nervous hope, the same uncertainty, beneath his confident exterior. 

And this time, when Eddie leans further into his space, Buck leans back. 

Their lips bump together, almost incidentally, a soft kiss that’s more of a test than it is a true embrace. Buck’s heart leaps, and the anxious flutter in his stomach is back as he tips his head to correct the angle. The second time their lips meet, it’s better -- Eddie lets out a soft, surprised huff of air, and Buck takes advantage, pulling him closer with impatient hands at the belt loops of his jeans. He’s not thinking anymore, stopped sometime around when Eddie’s fingers tightened around his shoulders, and it feels so good to lose himself, to trust that Eddie will catch him as he falls. 

“You could’ve just said,” Buck mutters against Eddie’s lips, his hands roaming over the forearms revealed by the style of his button-up shirt. “I thought I was going crazy.” He wants to be annoyed that Eddie’s known all this time and waited for Buck to make the first move, but he can’t quite work up to it. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, he needed the chance to wrap his head around this new truth about himself, and if Eddie had made a move before he was ready, Buck knows he wouldn’t have reacted well. 

“I’m pretty sure your sanity has been in question for way longer than I’ve been in LA,” Eddie shoots back with another teasing smirk. At some point, his hands slid from Buck’s shoulders to the planes of his back, and Buck’s not ashamed to admit that he pushes back into the touch, arching his spine like a cat seeking attention. He rolls his eyes at the joke and presses his face into Eddie’s neck, taking a long, slow breath to steady himself. The last two days -- hell, the last several weeks -- have been a riot of emotion that he’s still trying to sort, and as happy as he is in this moment, Buck knows that there’s still a lot for he and Eddie to talk about and work through. And Buck’s life is still a shambles, no matter how unexpectedly good his personal life has become. 

“You’re thinking too much,” Eddie tells him, his arms snug around Buck’s waist, holding him comfortably against his chest. “The world is complicated, Buck, but you and me? That doesn’t have to be. We can figure it out as we go.” A steady hand smooths over Buck’s spine, and he relaxes incrementally. It sounds too good to be true, but Buck has no intention of giving this up now that he’s got it. And Eddie’s gone to great lengths to make sure Buck knows that he can be trusted when he says something, today -- it wouldn’t make any sense to stop now. 

Buck lifts his head and smiles at Eddie with an echo of his old, rakish grin. “You’re going to have to do better than one kiss if you want me to stop thinking,” he says daringly, throwing caution to the wind and jumping headfirst into the unknown. Overthinking and panicking isn’t who Buck is, and he’s not going to let recent events change him. He’s stronger than circumstances, and Evan Buckley is more than a job title or a patient ID bracelet. 

He’s a fighter, and this time, all he wants to fight for is happiness for him, Eddie, and Christopher.

“Hmm, that sounds like a challenge,” Eddie observes, head cocked to one side in a faux-thoughtful expression. “I guess I don’t have much choice but to try harder then, do I?” 

Buck lets his satisfaction show on his face as he meets Eddie in another kiss. As in everything, practice makes perfect; this time, his knees get weak embarrassingly quickly, and he finds himself with his arms tossed around Eddie’s neck to keep his balance. He’s still smiling as they trade kisses back and forth, unable to quell the overwhelming contentment swelling in his chest. Eddie’s flushed and breathing hard, too, though, so Buck doesn’t waste a moment on embarrassment. They both want this; there’s no reason to start overthinking now. 

“Da-aad!” The whine from behind them stops the kiss in its tracks as both men take a hurried step back and spin to face the doorway. Christopher is leaning heavily on his crutches just past the arch, a blanket draped over his shoulders and hair mussed from sleep, and staring at them crankily. “Buck’s s’posed to be taking a nap with me. You can kiss him when we wake up.”

Eddie and Buck glance at each other, and the bubble of tension - romantic and otherwise - surrounding them bursts with a synchronous peal of laughter. Christopher gives them an unimpressed look, and Eddie recovers first, stifling another chuckle to tell him, “Sorry, buddy. But everyone’s awake now, right? So maybe we can watch a movie or something, and we can both spend some time with Buck before we have to go home.” He shoots a sidelong glance Buck’s way, like he needs permission or something stupid to talk about them with his son, or to stay longer. Like Buck is going to complain about getting more time with them. 

“What you think, Chris? Should we let your dad watch the rest of Hotel Transylvania with us?” Buck asks, and reaches out to grab Eddie’s hand -- just in case he’d gotten some ridiculous idea that this thing between them was going to be a secret. 

Christopher isn’t the kind of kid who’s grumpy for long, even right after a nap, so he beams at them and nods excitedly. “We have to start over, though,” he says seriously. “Daddy hasn’t seen the beginning, and he might get confused.” 

Buck nods his agreement, and Eddie just laughs. He tosses his free hand over Chris’s shoulders, and the three of them start toward the living room together, as a unit. As they settle together on the couch with tangled limbs and shared quips and laughter, Buck takes a second to breathe in the reality of this moment. He’s truly, incandescently happy, and he wants to take the memory and hold onto it forever -- through whatever job-related heartbreak and medical emergency comes next.

Because now, Buck’s got Eddie, and he’s got Christopher, and that’s more than enough to make him want to keep fighting. 

[deluweil]

Despite the promo and the lack of photo evidence of Ryan on set (and idk maybe I'm missing other clues around why some people are thinking coma!Eddie?), the one thing that keeps pulling me back from that theory is the last KR interview where she: 1. acknowledged Eddie had just been through the wringer last season, and

2. talked about him having an upcoming story line where he explores dating again.

Now, the first point doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't do something tragic to a character again, but it does seem unlikely given how right on-the-heels this would be after his shooting NDE and a season that focused on his trauma exploration and his forward path to healing. With the second point... I just don't see how an arc around getting back into the dating pool would fit with another major NDE for Eddie. Like, if the injury we're suspecting is as serious as we think it will be... recovering from that followed by a story line on his dating aspirations feels odd to me?

Hi there,

As for your first point, I completely agree. After the well and the shooting and the hostage situation, and lest we forget the fact that dispatch caught on fire. Just because it was mostly about May and Bobby doesn't mean that it wasn't about Eddie too.

He was the one who discovered the fire and finally realized that being a firefighter is his calling. (God has spoken)

So yeah, doubtful we get a coma!Eddie, also I have to say that since Buck and Tk(LS) are practically on the same scale as far as the writers are concerned it's likely that the coma sequence arch will be Buck's.

Plus, Eddie is pretty much resolved (not completely, but he faced his trauma and came out better on the other side.)

Buck has yet to face his trauma. He's been repressing and avoiding everything, even from before the shooting.

And with the sperm donor storyline that is just an opening for more heartache (donor, not dad) it's more likely that the next major storyline will belong to Buck, it's also been indicated since the beginning of s6a.

Now, as for your second point, it is true, it's unlikely that Eddie will wake up from a coma and say, "You know what I need? To go back into the dating pool."

And to be honest, right on the heels of Buck nearly dying, it doesn't sit well with me, anymore than it sat with me when Taylor kissed Buck in 4x14 while Eddie was still unconscious in the hospital.

But it seems that the writers are too keen on those damn parallels and instead of breaking the pattern, it seems Eddie will look for support somewhere else, while supporting Buck (like Buck in 4x14 and s5).

Now, unless Eddie starts dating men, I see no point in him going into another pointless, chemistry-less relationship with another bland woman. Imo, it feels like a waste of precious minutes. When we could see actual, interesting stories (about our main characters) being told.

So here's to hoping that we get real character development instead of a repeat of last season's pointless LIs storytelling.

Manifest Eddie deciding to date Buck with me 🙏😌✨️✨️✨️✨️