#anyways it feel really good to get all this out maybe I should journal more again

[weird-middle-school-books]

can I recommend something to y’all right now?

whatever you do, do not get a yeast infection

[hippiegoth97]

Random Eddie Thought #2

This one really got away from me, but it's nice to write something new again :)

18+ Only, Minors DNI: swearing, fem!reader, bestfriend!eddie, smut, sex dreams/fantasies, mentions of genital piercings/oral sex/masturbation/choking/unprotected sex, invasion of privacy, erections, crying, heavy kissing, idiots in love, best friends to lovers

A Few Tags: @rafescurtainbangz @voyeurmunson @babygorewhore @xxbimbobunnyxx @mediocredreams

@micheledawn1975 @slowandsteddie @bimbobaggins69 @etherealxwitch @taintedcigs

You're in the kitchen of your apartment, getting a snack to share with Eddie, your best friend, who's come to have a perfectly platonic sleepover with you. You've known each other since high school, becoming fast friends. You never fit in the with 'in crowd' and Eddie naturally picked up on your awkward and shy nature. Over the years he's managed to get you to open up more and be yourself, though it's mostly only around him, even after all these years. You tell each other everything, and have been there for one another through thick and thin.

One thing he hasn't seemed to notice, however, is your growing feelings for him. As you both matured into your mid-twenties, you've been unable to deny just how gorgeous Eddie is. With his long curls, big brown eyes, and lithe body covered in tats and piercings. Not to mention he's perpetually dressed in band tees and jeans that don't leave much to the imagination. Ugh, he's absolutely perfect. Inside and out.

That's not to say he hasn't always been hot stuff, because of course he has. But he's not the scrawny little boy who picked you out of a long line of geeks and freaks anymore. No, now he's a strong, handsome, sexy man. A man who treats you like no one ever has before. He brings you something every time he comes to see you, ranging anywhere between a new book or a pretty rock he found on a walk once. He opens doors for you, and holds you in his arms when you're sad. He makes you soup when you're sick, nursing you back to health even if it means missing work.

The only thing missing, is something you've craved since the day you met him. Something you've never spoken aloud. Something you've only verbalized in late night cries of ecstasy when you get off to the thought of your best friend. Something you've only admitted in the pages of your diary. The diary that Eddie has just found in your bedside drawer, along with a pretty pink rabbit that makes him chuckle when he first sees it.

And what do we have here?... Eddie thinks to himself, pulling the book out of its hiding place. It's thick, bound in leather, detailed with little leaves and flowers. He thinks maybe it's a poetry journal, or a sketchbook. You share his affinity for the creative. It isn't until he actually opens that he realizes what's inside. Your deepest, darkest secrets. He flips through the pages, noting the dates as he reads about strange dreams you've had, or bad one-night stands. His eyes widen when he reaches an entry from a week ago, with the opening line: I dreamt about Eddie again last night...

He debates putting the diary back, not wanting to invade your privacy. He's not one to snoop, especially when you tell him everything anyway. Well, at least he thought you did. He bites his lip, tapping his foot on the floor as he decides what to do. He really should just put it back, and pretend he never saw it (or your special toy). But something inside him begs to know what your dreams of him are like. If they're anything resembling the dirty fantasies he's had of you while alone in his bed, he can't let it go until he knows for sure. He decides to read the next few lines, after flicking his eyes to the doorway to listen for your footsteps coming back from the kitchen.

...it was the same as all the others. Eddie was in my bed, and we were naked. His soft, warm lips were on mine, his tongue was in my mouth, and his hands were everywhere. It felt so good, having him kiss me like that while he explored every inch of me. His fingers were carefully thrusting inside my pussy, making me so fucking wet. I could feel his dick pressing into my thigh, and I took him in my hand. The noise he made when I touched him was so beautiful, he sounded so breathless and needy for me...

Eddie knows he should stop. This is wrong. So, so wrong. These are your private thoughts, and he shouldn't be reading them. Even if they're making a tent form in his pants. His heart races in his chest, and he feels rather hot under the collar. His stomach twists with an uneasy mix of guilt and arousal. He lets out a shaky breath, once again weighing his options. Keep reading, or put the damn thing away and never, ever bring it up. He looks down the hall, wondering how much time he has left before you come back. Against his better judgment, he gives in to his desire for you. With eyes glued to your neat handwriting, he reads on.

...I could feel him grow in my hand, fuck, he was huge. I've seen it in real life before, and not entirely on accident. Since we're so close, we change in front of each other sometimes. And even though I've never seen it hard, I can tell his dick is big. It's even got a goddamn piercing on it, shining in the light like a lure. I swear to God, it takes everything in me not to fall to my knees and take him in my mouth whenever I see it...

Eddie scoffs loudly, unable to believe you've actually been checking him out. A part of him wonders if this is a sick joke, that you'd somehow known to leave this here for him to see. Any second now, you'll come busting in here and laugh in his face. Maybe even snap a picture of his embarrassingly large erection amd make copies to give all your friends.

But that's not you. You're too kind and sweet to him to ever pull such a cruel (and improbably elaborate) prank. Sure, he's wanted you for years. To call you his girl, to love you the way you should be loved. To kiss you, and hold you, and touch you in all the ways he thinks you'd like. To love you, and spoil you like the queen you are in his eyes. He's just never allowed himself to think you'd ever feel the same about him. Until now.

"What are you doing with that?" You ask softly, frozen in place in the doorway of your bedroom with a tray of snacks in your hands. Your eyes are blown wide, as you've come back to find Eddie on your bed, reading your diary, with a huge hard-on in his pants.

"I-I, I was, uh, just...um..." Eddie babbles helplessly, slamming the book shut and tossing it across the room. As if it being anywhere else will magically absolve him of invading your privacy. You just stare at him as he goes red in the face, and gestures with his hands as he fails to come up with an explanation. "...sorry." He says after letting out a long string of unintelligible sounds. He cringes at the word, realizing it's not nearly enough. But his mind and mouth can't come up with anything that doesn't sound like a feral goblin choking on a chicken bone.

"What part did you read?" You ask, your own cheeks turning a deep crimson. You really hope he didn't find your latest sex dream entry, but the glaring evidence in his jeans tells you that's exactly what he saw.

"Read? No, I was, um...j-just skimming..." He chuckles nervously, hoping you'll buy it. But the darkening blush on your skin and tears welling in your eyes lets him know he's truly caught. "Sweetheart, I—" Eddie starts, standing up as you're about to fall apart.

"Eddie, I swear, I-I didn't mean it! It was just a dream, and pfft! I was high when I wrote that!" You laugh uncontrollably as a way to hide your tears of embarrassment, frantically shaking your head. You've never been so mortified in your life, caught red handed in the worst way possible. You could've gone forever without ever letting him know how you feel. The potential rejection seemed too painful to endure. "I didn't mean it, Eddie. I didn't." Your laughter devolves into soft sobs, your grip loosening on the tray. Eddie catches it before everything tumbles to the floor, setting it on your dresser.

"Sweetheart, c'mere." Eddie takes your hands in his, and leads you over to your bed to sit beside him. You follow him, unable to do much else as tears stream down your face. "I'm sorry for snooping, angel. That wasn't right for me to do." He says sadly, stroking your soft skin with his thumbs. You nod in response. "And we can pretend this never happened, okay? Like you said, it was just a dream." He offers, his own words stabbing into his heart at the idea of never fully being with you the way he wants. But he doesn't feel like he's earned it. Not after making you so upset, and betraying your trust.

"Why did you read it?" You ask abruptly, more curious than angry. As humiliating as it is that he found you out before you could tell him yourself, you want to know how those secret words made him feel.

"I got bored, and curious. I found it in your drawer, thinking it was poetry or something. But then I found the entry of you dreaming about me..." Eddie trails off, pondering what to say next. "...and I got more curious."

"About what?" You continue, your tears drying up.

"About whether or not you want me the same way I want you." He boldly admits. He may as well, since your diary entries admitted your own wonderful, awful, heart-breaking, nerve-wracking secret to him. You don't say anything else, eyes blown wide in shock. "I want to be with you, princess. I've always wanted that." He says emphatically, making your heart swell as well as race.

"Really?" You ask, as if his erection earlier wasn't enough indication of his desire for you. You've dreamt about this moment so many times, spent numerous moments throughout the days and nights hoping one day he'd see you. You now stupidly realize, that there was never a time where he didn't.

"Yes, really. If you can forgive me for being a creep, that is." He says with a chuckle, making you giggle as well.

"Yeah, I think I can manage that." You smile, squeezing his hands with your own. "How far did you get anyway?" You ask curiously.

"Uh, right about where you talked about wanting to suck my massive, pierced cock." Eddie replies, moaning in an exaggerated way on his final words to tease you.

"Ugh, that's so embarrassing!" You groan, covering your face in shame.

"It's really not, babydoll. I'm just flattered that you noticed." He insists, pulling your hands down so he can see your pretty face again.

"I'll count myself lucky you didn't read any more." You giggle sheepishly, recalling how the rest of that dream went. You riding Eddie's cock while his large hand wraps tightly around your throat, filthy praises leaving his lips to spur you on. Him fucking you from behind, tugging your head back by your hair as he grunts and groans with every thrust. Among other equally explicit things.

"Shit, now I have to read the rest!" Eddie says impishly, diving off the bed to get the diary that still lays on the floor.

"Eddie, no! Please, it's too embarrassing!" You shriek, clamoring after him. But he's quicker than you, snatching up the book and holding it above your head. You try to jump up and tear it from his reach, but it's no use. He chuckles at your foolish attempts, slowly moving closer to you while still holding the diary above your heads. His free arm wraps around your waist, pulling you close. Your hands meet his chest, a small gasp leaving your lips at the sudden movement. He gazes deep into your eyes with burning lust, a smirk plastered on his lips.

"Think of it this way, sweetheart. If I read the rest, I'll know exactly what we're doing tonight." He speaks seductively, in a way you've only heard in your dreams.

"This can't be happening." You scoff, convinced you somehow fell asleep before Eddie came over tonight.

"Is it really so hard to believe that I'm in love with you?" He asks, dropping the Casanova act for a second and tossing the diary on the bed. He cups your cheek, and leans in to kiss you. His plush lips meet yours, giving you a taste of sweet, beautiful reality.

"Mm." You grab hold of the sides of his face, deepening the kiss. His tongue finds its way into your mouth, drawing a quiet moan from you. Time seems to stop as your mouths move together as one, and joyful tears spring from your eyes. This is all you've ever wanted. To love Eddie, and to have him love you back.

He carefully leads you backwards to the bed, laying you down on top of it as he kneels above you. He pulls away, wiping the salty tracks from your face. He smiles warmly, admiring every last bit of you and saving it away to remember this forever. "Can I make you feel good, sweetheart?" Eddie asks, as if it's his dying wish.

"Please." You reply softly, giving him a nod.

"Perfect." He reaches over for the diary, finding his place as he lays down beside you. "Now...where were we?" He muses, eyes bugging out when he reads what comes next. "Christ, I picked a good night to be nosy." He turns his head to look at you, wearing a devilish grin unlike you've ever seen on him before. "I swear to god, I'm gonna make all your dreams come true, babydoll. Even if it takes all night." He purrs, before chucking the damned book away one last time and pouncing on you.

[gotham-daydreams]

How would it have gone differently if Reader didn't try to be an "overachiever" and instead just stayed quiet and didn't interact with anyone besides Alfred until they left? Their room they left being mostly blank, with only the music journals? Giving up on trying to get their attention.

I think what's so funny about this ask, to me, is that I already have a concept like this written down (along with 3 others since the current reader I'm writing for the "Not [ ]" series is one of them but with a few missing details), so this'll be fun!

I guess it generally goes how you'd expect? Which is different for the most part, but the reader's perspective on what's happening is also different.

Granted, I would like to point out that, at least for this particular concept and the idea I have for it of how this would go, does have more stuff going on pre-Batfam that do affect how they perceive what's happening, and that's what makes things interesting in my opinion. Because someone can be naturally shy or just overall more reserved either out of nature or because they feel a certain way, but still feel bad about being neglected and, despite their lack of effort, feel that pain just as much as someone who's tried. Which is valid! Besides, someone's definition of 'trying' can vary as well.

Everyone should have a chance to have a family, and form some kind of connection with people. Just because you aren't going above and beyond for one person, doesn't mean you're undeserving of certain things. Especially not a chance to have a family, or feel like you have one. That's what I think anyway.

Nevertheless, back to the reader!

From the original concept, I will be tweaking a few things to fit the ask, but the same general outcome remains! Though again, the reader's perspective on things is a tad different. But how about this- I'll show two versions of the reader.

One that's quiet and more reserved because they gave up much earlier, or just generally hopeless really early on because maybe they felt as if anything they'd do just wouldn't be enough, who'll be accurately named Quiet!Reader. With the other being more closely related to the concept I wrote for such an idea, that we'll refer to as Waiting!Reader.

Quiet!Reader would change up things quite a bit! I won't lie!

They might already have bad self-esteem that's quick to develop at the start of things, which is something to note as that doesn't get better with time. They grow more cold and distant from the family at a quicker pace both from personal and external reasons.

Put simply, they don't feel good enough, and even if they did- anything they could do to get the Batfam's attention would never be enough in their eyes. To which, they see very early on when they try to engage and do some things with the family, only to be turned down. What doesn't help is when Quiet!Reader sees Damian get adopted and almost immediately showered with love, (compared to them) and that really cements some ideas that were already developing in their head about the family.

When Damian comes into the picture, they feel replaced. Seeing him as someone to fill in the 'youngest Wayne' role instead of them, so that Bruce and the others actually have someone to acknowledge for such a title. Just someone else to further take away the little they had.

So, they further step out of the way, glaring at the Batfam with tired eyes before that eventually stops too. Envy clawing at their heart, hatred being sent through waves of pain all throughout their body. Hurt unmatched. Yet they still remain invisible. Quiet as ever. Unnoticed. Everything they ever felt dies down, and forms a cold numbness that they begin to associate with the family.

Maybe through that, they feel closer to the family in some twisted way. Now just as cold as them. Just as talkative, and just as engaging. Almost mirroring them, but they're honest about how they feel. Honest about what they think, and therefore better. At least when compared to the Batfam- and to them, even if it wasn't a high bar to reach anyway, at least it counts for something.

It was never Damian's fault, or really about Damian at all. It could've been anyone else and Quiet!Reader would've still reacted the same way, they know that. Though just seeing the Batfam show love and care to him and not them just makes them feel... worse.

Clearly they're capable of love, and can notice new additions to the family (to which they may have mostly believed that the Batfam's neglect was just something the family did for whatever reason, and thought that them being the youngest had something to do with it for a while) and that breaks the reader. It doesn't hurt, not as much as it would've, maybe, but whatever hurt is there dies down quickly as Quiet!Reader, well, quietly accepts their fate.

The Batfam clearly wants nothing to do with them, so why should they try to do all of these things for them? It's simple, they shouldn't. So they don't. Quiet!Reader gives up, and continues to live their life without them.

The Manor just becomes a place they sleep in, and nothing else. It isn't anything close to a home, and not even Alfred can help with that.

It's because of that little fact, however, that Quiet!Reader leaves much sooner than the reader in the "Not [ ]" series. Maybe once they get a friend they can trust, they essentially end up living with said friend, hence why their room remains so empty. The notebooks they even keep in the room they have in the Manor is from when they were way younger, instead of just being from a few months ago or so. We're talking years since Quiet!Reader has touched those things now.

Maybe they do 'officially' leave a month or so before they usually would as an overachiever in the "Not [ ]" series, having only bothered to return so often before because of Alfred. Though even then, they'd forget to return most nights- only being reminded to even try and go back once Alfred would personally call them, and ask them where they were.

However now, after a while of just the time between them basically living with their friend and sleeping at the manor, they stop returning altogether. Though this time around they instead personally go to Alfred to say they're goodbyes. Not explaining much, but just saying that while they might still try to come and visit him sometimes, they don't live in the Manor anymore. Alfred already knows this, and the embrace they share fully hammers in that fact.

Yet when Quiet!Reader turns away, and leaves the Manor for good- even through the front door at that. Alfred can't help but just... miss them already.

You see, while Quiet!Reader is indeed quieter and more reserved, especially towards the Batfam, with Alfred really being the only exception, they still made music.

Maybe they didn't have as many concerts or physical, grand, live performances compared to the reader in the "Not [ ]" series, they not only started earlier, but may have actually started out on a social platform such a youtube. They really started out small, but were able to find and start their passion much earlier!

Most of what they played was when they were in the Manor, but slowly they started to get involved with things music related outside of the Manor and in Gotham- and from there were able to build themselves up even more. Hell, I'd even say that Quiet!Reader is a little more well-known and popular than the reader in the "Not [ ]" series because of the amount of extra time they dedicated to their passion.

So basically, Alfred this time around has more recordings and such of Quiet!Reader actually doing something they love than with the one in the series. However! Funnily enough, they're gone for a shorter amount of time despite having left earlier than normal.

Alfred is just, extra fed up with this nonsense, and so pulls his tricks more early on, but also make them hit harder.

He doesn't clean Quiet!Reader's room to show how long they've been gone, adding onto the emptiness and almost abandoned feeling the room itself gives off because of how bare and empty it is. They're music haunts the halls, subtle, sure, but still noticeable- especially to those who are hyper aware all the time. Pictures of Quiet!Reader and Alfred begin to be hung up, and if he can manage- some with Quiet!Reader and their friends during important parts of their life.

No one is safe from the guilt and anguish Alfred seeks to cause to not only have the Batfam look for you, but most importantly, to finally notice you.

Let's just say, things work out a little too well.

---

As for Waiting!Reader? Oh man, I've been wanting to rant about them for a while!

Unlike the reader in the "Not [ ]" series and Quiet!Reader, Waiting!Reader had some semblance of a life before getting adopted into the Batfam. Though the idea and character themself isn't musically inclined/involved in music, or even all that interested in music for that matter- for the sake of this ask, lets say they are!

I won't dabble too much into the life Waiting!Reader had before the Batfam, as if I do end up writing them I'd also like to keep some details vague (for the sake of leaving it up to interpretation and everything), but just know that during the time they were still with their original family, they were essentially taught that they should 'wait their turn', and eventually their parents would spend time with them and care for them. Hence the little name I've given them.

So! When they get to the Manor and are officially adopted, only to be neglected and ignored during their first few attempts- because of their young age, they immediately think "oh! they're just like mom and dad!" So they 'wait' for 'their turn', believing that eventually, should they wait long enough, they'll be rewarded with bonding and such from the Batfam just as they were with their previous parents.

This mindset changes what they do as well, as Waiting!Reader even goes out of their way to not bother anyone, or "get in the way" of whatever they could be doing. Waiting!Reader treats the situation so much like their previous home life, that sometimes they might even forget that the Batfam are completely different people from their parents. The only real difference that they can think of is that they're not acknowledged at all and it seems like their 'turn' never comes. Though for a while that doesn't get them down. The Batfam is busy like they're parents were! Waiting!Reader is sure that when things die down then they'll have their time.

... Hopefully.

I can imagine that part of the reason why Waiting!Reader holds on to hope for so long is because, again, their own parents constantly reassured them that they would have their time eventually. That if they behaved, and stayed out of the way, then they would go somewhere fun with their parents and essentially be rewarded for their efforts. They were conditioned to wait, to be patient, and just comply until those around them decided to actually take care of them, and spend time with them.

Of course, as they grow up the reality of the situation does hit them eventually, but during that time they do try.

Waiting!Reader helps Alfred around the house, and so they mostly bond over doing chores, among other things. They are also more mindful, and try to keep the amount of noise they back down— so they actually don't play at the Manor all that often, and instead play literally anywhere else. If and when they do play outside, around the area of the Manor like in the gardens or something, they make sure no one is around before even thinking of playing.

Alfred does help them break a few of their habits that they got while living with their parents, but the one thing he can't seem to 'fix' is how absolutely quiet Waiting!Reader is when they walk around. Which, as on can imagine, doesn't exactly help in a situation where the whole family, except for the butler, is neglecting you.

The amount of times Waiting!Reader has caught Alfred off guard is more then you'd think for someone that works with the Dark Knight, and his various sidekicks and such, over the years. Which does say something, sure, but it's also funny!

Regardless, similar to Quiet!Reader, Waiting!Reader is able to start their musical career earlier than normal, and thuse becomes a little more popular than they would originally. However, they're more known for their live performances and giving back to the community. Seemingly just like Bruce as they attend charity event after charity event, and try to do good by the people.

Waiting!Reader also does genuinely try to become a vigilante as well, but they do so in a way where they only take care of the smaller/medium guys, and leave the bigger ones to the rest of the Batfam. This is because they want to remove possible distractions for their family, and while they would try to take on "bigger guys", they don't think they're skilled enough or experienced enough to even think about it. So they don't even try. (They also don't have the same theme as the Batfam- since they don't want to 'ruin' their reputation with what they're doing or something. Which does hell them further detach themself from the family later on.)

I'd say that with Waiting!Reader, the difference between them and the Batfam is more clear to them? Like, to them, the Batfam are just so good at what they do that they have no hope of reaching them. So instead of trying to reach for them, they just do their own thing and try to help in their own way.

Because Waiting!Reader takes care of smaller guys, they are kind of closer to Waiting!Reader as a vigilante.

The best way I can put it is that while the community trusts Batman and the members of the Batfam to save their city, they trust Waiting!Reader to save their homes.

So basically- Batfam is the bigger picture while Waiting!Reader focuses on the smaller picture.

Nevertheless! Also like Quiet!Reader, Waiting!Reader actually leaves earlier. Except when they leave, they leave.

Waiting!Reader straight up leaves Gotham City to attend the college that they want to go to, in an area that has more opportunity for them, that isn't close to where the Batfam lives or patrols.

So they not only leave earlier, but it also takes the Batfam longer to find them. Especially because Waiting!Reader does still do some things in Gotham, they just don't live there anymore.

I feel like out of all three readers, Waiting!Reader definitely feels like the kind of person that someone would assume is some kind of "Phantom of the Wayne Manor," y'know?

So Alfred definitely tries to make the Batfam feel bad like he does with Quiet!Reader. Except how anyone in the Batfam is reminded that Waiting!Reader even exists, and that they've been gone for a while now is through a letter that is accidentally sent to the Wayne Manor from one of Waiting!Reader's fans. From there, some research does start and the more the Batfam learns, the more they want to go and find the reader- you know the deal.

I hope this answered your question even if I really did ramble on this time- if you'd like me to clarify anything or go into more detail on a specific part, feel free to send in an ask!

[breathinlove]

glue 002 ellie williams imagine

read this

sinopse: you might have a crush on your friend, college!au

cw: swearing, basically fluff, ellie plays soccer, puppy love again because that's my thing, slightly nerdy loser!ellie, reader and ellie are oblivious, not explicit if reader is fem or masc, not exactly proofread.

you had been up all morning, not up really, awake. it was 11:43 when you actually got up, sick to your core. niyah had checked on you before she left for her classes, leaving you some cash for lunch, it's not like you didn't have any but niyah just felt like a mom sometimes. she also gave you a forehead kiss.

you rubbed your eyes while your other hand hugged your aching stomach. you grabbed your phone and squinted at the brightness of the screen.

“shit fuck.” you hissed, boy did your head hurt. you had suspicions that ellie had made so much nervousness pile up in you that it was threatening to explode your head and your poor stomach.

you had always been a little… anxious and got nervous when you hung out with new people, especially without your best friends. they were your safe space, you smiled sweetly thinkin about them, so you read over the texts on your group chat ‘take ur meds’. never the instagram one, because it's just your friend luana spamming instagram reels.

you laughed at your phone, turning it off just to wait for your friends to show up, you knew they would. you grabbed a piece of fruit and sat down again.

you grabbed your little notebook where you did all of your journaling, you always read some pieces before actually writing in it, so you did that. ‘ellie’ this ‘ellie’ that, from just last night before you got sick. but maybe you had already been sick from the moment she stepped into the room.

sick in your stomach, crippling nervousness. you and ellie hung out so much 1 on 1, so you assumed that's what happens when two anxious people get together to talk alone, even though you had known each other for a while now. you didn't give it much thought, well maybe you did. you wrote in pink ink...

‘she's so cute’ ummm late night thoughts were so funny to read over, right? just hilarious. ‘ellie williams #8’ adorned with stars and hearts? you were already sick last night, for sure!

on the other side of campus, ellie was at class but her mind was on the same side of campus as yours. ellie was very much in tune with her feelings for you, she'd say. ‘we're so awkward, we need to get closer!’ that's all you two needed, right? just that. she sighted, you looked at her adorned name in your notebook, she imagined your face adorned with flowers and asteroids?

she needs to pay attention in class! she'll think about you later, she wants to text you but she'll see you at lunch anyways so she decides against the text. ellie tried her best to focus on her boring class, impatiently waiting to see you again.

abby had texted you a few to let you know she was coming over, she was your childhood friend, inseparable at that. caring and loving, gentle giant abigail anderson. she was now on your carpet in front of you bed.

“so, did you take your meds?” she laughed, abby was a med student and definitely a good one but damn her she didn't know shit about pharmacy.

they might’ve teached her some of it, but this girl had very selective memory, it's not like you know what they teach at med school anyway. but you still thought she should cure you everytime you got sick, all your other friends agreed too.

“yep, i looked it up. turns out my friend being in med school doesn't serve me anything.” you stretched my leg to touch her with your feet and she gave you a disgusted look.

“you're such a bitch to me, i came to see you, sick girl.” she grabbed you by the ankle and pulled you with no force.

“abbyyy!” you laughed and tried yanking your feet back and she used more of her strength. she laughed with you and you felt less sick.

you two kept it up until you were falling off your bed onto her, she grabbed your torso, manhandling you so you looked at her. she looked mischievous, she had something up her sleeve.

“how's our favorite soccer star?” she smirks and you look scared, head jumping up and hitting hers. “hey! ouch lil girl…”

she soothed her head before soothing yours, with harsh pats... you weren't sure if she was soothing you or actively making it worse. you both laughed again, what the hell was wrong with you? you had slipped out of her thighs and sat on the carpet, right next to her.

“she's…” you coughed. “she's alright, i saw her yesterday.” you nodded to yourself and abby nodded back.

“right… right…” abby stared at you, smirk still in her lips, waiting for something.

you thought of what she might’ve wanted you to say. you used your brain so much that you realized something, eyes widened and eyebrows furrowed.

"what? you look like you developed your first thought.” she chuckled and you looked frightened.

“i forgot to tell her i'm sick.” you searched for your phone around the carpet and the bed.

“why would you have to tell her?” abby leaned back, watching you look for you phone.

"you know, even if she was a nurse in your wet dream, i don't think she can help.” she added when you ignored her.

“abby.” you actually slapped her nape and she hissed. “we were supposed to have lunch together, i don't wanna be rude and leave her hanging.”

“oooohh you're bailing her on your lunch date.” abby loved pressing your buttons and she knew which ones to press.

“yeah, our date at the campus cafeteria, abigail.” you found your phone under a pillow, one that you were sure you checked before. whatever, you texted ellie.

“abigail is crazyyy…” abby got up and peeped your phone from behind and you pushed her face, the fat on her cheek smushed. “sweetness, let me see.”

abby had a big sweet tooth growing so when you became friends, her dad started calling you tooth and sweetness, since she could never get enough of you. she clinged to it even now, when she was being nice but really often when she pissed you off.

“fine, tooth.” you caressed the cheek you had pushed. she laughed and playfully bit your shoulder as you turned off your phone.

“it's fine, y/n. she'll understand, of course.” abby slurred, you turned to her.

“yeah, i know. i wanted to see her though.” you rubbed your nose sitting on the carpet again, followed by abby.

“you'll see her soon, it's alright.” she patted your head and you looked at her blankly. “what? don't wanna see me too?” she pushed you head and snickered.

“i do, stop abby!” you laughed, pushing her back.

“you gotta crush and now you're gonna abandon me and lua.” she shook her head. “you won't abandon niyah because you live with her, but who knows! you might move in with ellie.”

“what are you even talking about?” you chuckled at her while she tried to maintain a serious face. “i'm not abandoning anyone.”

"AHA! so you do have a crush on ellie, lil girl…” she laughed loud, slapping her knee, now it was your turn to maintain a serious face while she laughed.

“first, you’re not funny. second, i don't have a crush on anyone.” she arched her eyebrow you held her temples, pressing her eyebrows back to their place. “stop, i don't”.

“be for real with me, pookie wookie.” you cringed hard with her.

“you can leave.” you both laughed so loud until she stopped and tapped your lap. “but she makes me nervous.”

“i know she does, might be something, don't you think?”

“mmm, i don't think so, we're both pretty anxious people so…” you shrugged and abby did too, she'd never pry.

“you might be right, time will tell.” she casually says as gets up. “you wanna order some? “i'm hungry.” you nod and she takes her phone out.

ellie on the other hand, is frowning at your texts, she's upset she won’t see you and she's upset you're sick. she immediately texted her friends dina and jesse about it, asking to have lunch with them instead.

she'd waited for them to meet up with her on campus, holding her phone. she wanted to text you again, but you probably needed rest so she opted out to spam texting cat, who wouldn't reply to the groupchat texts. cat was a fucking ghost most of the times, even when they dated... girl gets busy. when dina and jesse finally got there they walked together.

“y/n bailed on you, damn.” jesse shook his head ironically and dina rolled her eyes.

“shut up, jesse.” dina tickled his ear and smirked. they were walking towards the local subway.

“yeah shut up, she's sick dude.” ellie replied, with little to no humor.

her friends noticed. her hands were in her jeans pockets and she was looking down, jesse and dina knew her all to well to know she was even just slightly upset. childhood friends are like that, you'd know. abby was exactly like that with you.

“what's wrong?” jesse asked, palming her shoulder. dina stopped walking but ellie kept going, making them get back to walking too.

“nothin’. it's dumb, i just miss y/n or whatever.” ellie slurred, looking at her sneakers. jesse and dina chucked and she snickered.

“okay, okay. my bad.” jesse looked sternly at dina so she'd stop laughing. “you had plans?”

“actually yeah, i was gonna invite her to see me play saturday.” she looked up.

“it's wednesday, man. you can ask her later.” jesse started. “right?” he looked for ellie's eyes.

“as in a date?” dina asked, not afraid to. ellie was always open with them, she wasn't embarrassed by her feelings even though sometimes she was confused.

“nah, not a date. and yes i can ask later, but i get nervous and… i dunno.” she held her fingers as she sighed.

“just say it, els.” dina chuckled, jesse and ellie chuckled back.

“yeah, alright. i want her to see me play but i get nervous to ask and i thought i’d do it today.” ellie laughed at herself. dina and jesse nodded, they understood her.

“it's alright, you will ask. don't worry, she's gonna be thrilled.” jesse slapped ellie's back and dina looked at him in disgust.

"thrilled" dina mocked jesse, holding her fingers up as quotes.

they all busted out laughing as they got closer to the subways shop, talking about the saturday game, but never distracted ellie from the thoughts of you.

taglist: @mikellie @amberputh @ellslvr @elliesactualgirlfriend @macaroni676 @onlinelesbo @aispike @kalyxvfx @ellieschair

[lottiies]

one of his many journal entries about you

arthur morgan x fem!reader and male!reader <33

i won’t lie…i have 45 hours on the game and i’m not even past chapter 2 (っ- ‸ – ς) why progress when i can save myself the pending heartbreak and instead admire this pretty man and his journal sketches?

anyways…love all you arthur morgan kissers ♡

“my body doesn’t feel right as of late. my hands are too rough, my face is all wrinkled up, and my voice isn’t all that pleasant. if only i could sound as smooth as i write.

never been the most confident of men, but well, this body’s what i’m stuck with. used to go months on end without shaving until i realized my beard looked like bills. how embarrassing. miss grimshaw, the strong-headed woman she is, knocked some sense into me too. well…more like slapped me.

shaving makes me look more approachable, and that’s not really a good thing with my reputation. but, i did it anyway and spent a pretty penny on the barber up in valentine’s…had to pay a bit extra because of the drunken ruckus lenny and i caused there last time.

if my heart hadn’t been captured, maybe these worries of mine wouldn’t even exist.

oh, the ridiculous things love does to a man…”

꒰ fem!reader ꒱

“about as beautiful as the stars above; a woman so otherworldly that sometimes I have to look away. she shines too brightly for these tired eyes of mine. i suppose that’s for the best, ain’t it? a man like me, the walking embodiment of sin, isn’t worthy of such a loving lady.

but that doesn’t keep her away. she often asks me to recount some of my adventures, and i hesitantly do so, fearful she’ll think me a bad man. craziest thing is, she looks more worried than anything else whenever i do as told. telling me to be more careful with that honey-like voice of hers. could listen to it all day. it’s like a balm to the soul.

can’t keep myself away from her either. doesn’t matter what she’s doing, i always find myself wandering over to her. i don’t usually have trouble sleeping, i’m like some rock when it comes to it. but she’s occupied my mind too much lately, falling asleep is difficult. like right now. should be sleeping, but i’m not. just up wondering about the ifs and hows.

i’ve been saving up some money so i can go get her something real nice, maybe a pretty dangly necklace. could just steal one, but i want to prove myself to her. she deserves the best, not something that belonged to some other stranger.

god knows i’d do whatever i can to keep her safe and sound. i’d die for her. funny thing is, i considered myself to be a selfish man before breathing the same air as her.

i can say with absolute certainty that i would give up everything for a future with her.

if she’d have me.

…

now, this fool’s about to try and sketch her.

not sure if i can encapsulate her beauty onto a page, though.”

꒰ male!reader ꒱

“i fear I’m going mad. i never thought i’d feel this way about a man before. then again, pursuit of romance has never been a priority in my life. he’s one of a kind, something about him makes my palms feel all clammy.

he never leaves my head, every inch of this brain of mine is consumed with thoughts of him. his grin, the way his hat perches on his head, the stories he shares ‘round the campfire.

i’ve come across many men on all my journeys, but his handsomeness is unmatched. and he’s different. doesn’t nag me like dutch or get on my nerves like micah, but he isn’t just a brother like some of the other folks here.

i’ve been a bit too scared to drink these days. you know me, i spill my guts out and say stupid things like a damn fool when i get like that. wouldn’t know what to do if i were to sputter out how fine of a fella i think he is, or how grateful i am for him. is this only a special friendship? no, i don’t know how to describe this.

well, yes i do, actually.

love.

my fingers trembled while writing that.

some may call this spark a sin, but going down an altar with him would be a taste of heaven itself. that wish is too far-fetched though.

all i ask for is a sign. just one. maybe i’m misreading the glimmer in his eye, or the way the bastard slings his arm over my shoulder and sings after he downs some moonshine.

weird how life works, isn’t it?”

[monthly-raining]

characters as adults

i sometimes throw up in my mouth thinking about my old art style im so much happier and expressive except i havent figured out how to add color lmaooooo

im thinking these are everyone in their early 30s

i think sophie would become a keeper... bc its literally in the series title... maybe emissary too? anyway i dont think shed be the happiest in her position but i think when she grows up she'll start to resemble oralie a lot. maybe some people will put two and two together but this might be eons after oralie resigns from the council and it becomes a little irrelevant at that point

sophie WILL go bald at a certain point when she has the biggest existential crisis

i dont know how to draw dex in general because i just dont have a clear image of who he is this late into the series... bc its been such a long time since book 9 and i havent preordered 9.5 yet

i think he might actually be the most successful out of everyone bc everyone seems to agree that he's a very talented technopath and he worked with the council when he was only a level three??? even if it was making sophie's circlet???? very impressive accepted into harvard 10/10

i love drawing biana shes just ugh. very gorgeous. cant tell if she'll live a celebrity life in the elven world or shed just mysteriously disappear for the longest time and have everyone speculate on what happened to the youngest vacker and she just comes back with like a billion luster book deal to write an autobiography of what she was up to and its basically her freaking out over the ugliest fashion trends ("i leave for three centuries and you guys make THIS a trending item of clothing????") bc biana will always stay biana

linh will cut her hair along with the silver tips. still do not know how the silver tip works. i love drawing her moles, i feel she just has to have a lot of them around her face. she volunteers for animal rehabilitation. she gives free seminars for young hydrokinetics to teach them how to control their abilities. what a woman

im the iffiest with his rendition but he probably grew out the silver tips with his sister and he toggles between keeping his bangs out of his face and keeping it down

weirdly, i think hed be a teacher of some sorts. maybe tutor for 5-10 year olds? i feel like hed be good with small kids

they get their ears pierced together. keefe's a little sadder as an adult. he also grew out his hair

fitz hasn't changed his style much

not sure why keefe is sad. i feel like the older he got in the series, the more sadder he got. it makes sense-- id be sad too. later on, he'll be happy again but i think seeing how long an elven lifespan is theyre probably still considered babies. he has time to figure it out

it'd be really nice if fitz became an author or journalist. i think alden should quit his job as emissary and write an autobiography. i think all the vackers should start journaling and not join evil organizations as a mode of therapy.

[arielleslipgloss]

hii arielle! so now that is summer i would love to rest and take a long break but also keep my days productive, like having a good morning and night routine as well as doing chores and feeling motivated enough to do them, etc, but i'm literally always mophing around feeling really down. what would you recommend for that?

have a great summer!! from a pinterest girlblogger <3

Ahhh hiii love!! Tysm for asking this 💗

Summer Lifestyle

“I don’t chase, I attract. What’s mean’t for me will simply find me.” - Kendall Jenner

Routines!! Your morning and night will impact your summer A LOT. Just in general, having routines will impact your life. If you don’t have a set routine it’ll be hard to stay productive. So, make sure your routine(s) are always adjusted to your schedule. Whether that means time for chores, exercise, or your hobbies. Just try your best to fit it in. Also, try not to overpack your routines with loads of stuff. Making your routines too long could make you unmotivated throughout the day. So try to keep your routines short. That way you don’t rush everything on your to do list. Also, having a short & flexible routine will let you have more freedom throughout the day. For example, maybe you forgot to do a chore from yesterday? Well, with a flexible routine you should be able to do that chore. Without having loads of stuff to do on top of that.

2. Self care days!! Summer is the season to REST! No more stressing over exams and no more drama. It’s time to take a step back and rest. Meaning, take time to care for yourself. Do your nails, skincare, steam your face, make yummy food, watch a movie, romanticize summer, journal, read, develop new hobbies, take a everything shower, spend time in nature, etc. Whatever you can do to refresh your mind, I’d do! Even if that sometimes means rotting in bed. If you’ve been stressed out DEFINITELY take time to, rot in bed, spend time in nature, watch a bunch of movies with popcorn, etc.

3. Make a list of activities to do!! Me personally, I love making bucket lists. For example, this summer I wanted to go blueberry picking, get baptized, go golfing, make lots of flower bouquets, etc. I always like to make bucket lists for different seasons. Especially bucket lists for summer. That way I’m not bored 24/7. It’s like a fun adventure that I do every year. So, I would definitely recommend making bucket lists. It’s the perfect way to stay occupied with different activities. Or if you don’t want to make a bucket list, try new hobbies. You can simply list things you are interested in doing right in your notes app. Then do them whenever you want!!

4. Practice self love!! Doll, it’s summer! We shouldn’t be down bad crying at the gym. We got love to give ourselves!! It’s time to acknowledge how wonderful you are. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” We all were created beautifully and with care!! There’s no reason why we shouldn’t love ourselves.

5. Motivation!! Unfortunately we aren’t always going to feel motivated. Which is why I constantly will tell you dolls to work on having discipline. It’s something we will all struggle with time-to-time. However, we have to push through and do whatever we have to do anyways. Pushing through may even help you become motivated. But just because it’s difficult in the moment, doesn’t mean it will be difficult forever. So, keep a positive mindset and keep going!! You got this doll! 💗

6. Get off your phone and go in nature!! I know, I know you dolls probably don’t like to hear it, but seriously. We spend so much time on our phones. Our dopamine levels are probably through the roof. So, take time to slow down and go out in nature. Maybe all you do is run away from bugs, people watch, read a book, or pick dandelions. However you spend time in nature, make sure you actually breathe. Take time to look around. Romanticize those moments that you run away from bugs or read a book.

“You can help as many people as you want but you also have to remember to check in on yourself.” - Kendall Jenner

Love you dolls!! Remember to enjoy all moments in your life 💗

Xoxo, Arielle 💋🎀

[thedeliverygod]

The Final Chapter of Noragami

I'll start off by saying no matter what, this is my favorite manga/anime series. It'll always be near and dear to my heart. And thank you again to @fast-moon who has put so much time in effort into this series so that we would be able to read it in English ASAP.

But here are my honest thoughts, below the cut

There are far too many open ends. As a writer and a fan, I get that it's good to leave things pretty open ended and give fans a chance to explore possibilities. But there was too much here.

Something that struck me during my read of the translation (as I read the raws about an hour beforehand) was the absence of Nana. Arahabaki and Shiho are at the hanami, why not her? Especially since she's got a bond with Bishamon as well.

Is Nora just a free agent, doing whatever she wants? We see that Yukine still has his Hagusa name, so clearly she would still have Mizuchi. And we know Yato can't re-name her. Does she spend time with Yato and Yukine at Kofuku's house? Is she Yato's secret agent in watching over Hiyori? lol

Kazuma is the only one (aside from Nana) who survived the God's Greatest Secret without being named with the koto no ha. How is he dealing with it? Is he also having nightmares like Yukine?

Yato being 'saved' by going viral is a bit dumb especially because the posts are like "wow this guy is doing like a 10 year old meme lame" etc so it didn't seem like it should have blown up much anyway? and he also says no one actually remembers 'him'/uses his name just Teke-Teke so how does that... actually help Yato? Granted he didn't die and he has a smartphone now but I feel like he would... actually have to really be acknowledged to get money and have a shrine other than Hiyori's shrine (which btw what happened to THE DAMN SHRINE??? its on the cover but the chapter??? absent)

"I'll give you all of me" and dramatic crying/kiss but then Yato just seems so... detached. granted I KNOW it's because of the near shore/far shore and he doesn't want to endanger her again and just looks over her and it's a trope that's been in a million fanfics including mine but it just feels so off and bluh to NOT GET ANY RESOLUTION OTHER THAN HIYORI JUST RECOGNIZING HIM and then a line in the journal about how he tried to play it off.

I can't even think of everything tbh there's just a lot I want answered that wasn't...

I would say the best part of this chapter was the stuff about Fujisaki. It finally answered that he was 'born' with Father present inside of him and they kind of switched back and forth. Although again that leaves the question of how much was Fujisaki and how much was Father in terms of hitting on Hiyori/how much did Fujisaki know about Father's antics. I also love that Yato still hates him anyway even without Father LOL

lastly father was this giant cataclysmic force in Yato's life for literally over a thousand years and he's finally free. and we really get no reaction in regards to that. And that is especially disappointing when it's a major theme of the manga as a whole, you know?

idk that's my piece for now. I'm sure I'll have more to say in the coming days/weeks/months/etc but I hope and pray there's maybe any sort of small addition to the tankobon release.

it did mention "please look forward to adachitoka's next work" but I think that was just like a publishing nicety. I think noragami's ending was rushed due to their ongoing health problem and/or pressure from the publishers and I honestly don't see them coming out with a new series any time soon.

[autumnslance]

FFXIV Write 2024: 4 Reticent

“Argh! I cannot stand it!”

Dark Autumn looked up as C’oretta strode into the office and began—not so much pacing, as agitated bouncing from point to point in a semi-regular pattern. Violet bounced along, trying to keep up, but soon flumped onto her purple rump in the middle of the carpet, looking dizzy.

“So there’s this problem in the lab and Ryss and Zoissette are arguing about the aethercurrent variables except you know how they argue it’s not like a proper fight and it just makes me itchy and in the meanwhile they don’t want to listen to my ideas and Apple isn’t around where is she anyway I haven’t seen Meya today either come to think of it anyroad the variance in current isn’t the problem but those beanpoles are too in the clouds to listen!”

Dark finished the final column, signed off on the sheet, set it aside and sat back to give her full attention to the frustrated Miqo’te.

“Right? So I was doing the math you know I’m good at it for instance you forgot a carry there—” She had glanced at the sheet as she moved, upside down from her perspective, and the carry wouldn’t have been missed if there hadn’t been an energetic pink distraction in the room—“And so I tried to fix it cuz sometimes the best way to just get anything done in there is to just do it while people are having their debates you know and then suddenly I was being tossed out!”

Dark raised an eyebrow.

C’oretta sighed. “Okay yeah I know I need to show my work and not just fix it even if it’s wrong and that’s super itchy to see and also it’s really obvious like I don’t know how such brillliant people miss it but we do get distracted a lot maybe it’s too many cooks but I’m trying to do my part and help.

Dark shook her head, a light smile on her lips.

“I suppose I could just write it down ooh I should get a journal I could make it all cute with stickers and glitter okay maybe not glitter Silent Coeurl would murder me unless I did it outside so it doesn’t get all over the house and I can put the extra stickers on the chocobos’ beaks cuz that’d be adorable and then I’d have a journal with all my notes and ugh I guess I can write out the formulas and long division and whatever else Zoissette wants to see and then they’ll have to pay attention.”

Dark made a thoughtful grunt.

“They probably are done debating by now and maybe willing to listen especially if I look cute and promise to show them how I figured it out but oh could you walk Violet and give her a treat cuz we’re bound to go over time?”

Dark nodded.

“Thanks Dark you’re the best I feel so much better when we talk and I bet Silent Coeurl’s got a journal I can use I’ll need a cute pen too better make it five cuz I’ll lose them anyroad Violet you stay with Auntie Dark I have equations to share.”

She bound out, Violet sighing heavily as she moved over to drape herself over Dark’s feet.

Dark leaned down to scritch the small behemoth between her horns. The walk could wait a few more minutes as she reached for the last add sheet to fix the accounting error.

[punsmaster69]

29/NOV/20XX

sure you've noticed, but i haven't had a proper conversation with asgore in a while.

sorta hard to look the guy in the eyes for some reason.

shame?

guilt?

tori's influence?

tori in general?

can't help but feel like i'm doing something wrong by him for

nah.

i'll just blame it on the lack of one of my own eyes for today.

he's a busy monster who really tried his best to find a better time to see me; settling on about eight am.

still a bit early for me, but doable.

caught up about small stuff, and recent ventures.

in short, he's:

mayorin' it up, doing botany again on the side, and a bit of cooking okay-ishly sometimes.

"same."

"But, enough talk about me. What have you been doing, Sans?"

"same as always. fat load of nothing, with a little journalling sprinkled in."

"Journalling? Ah! Frisk had mentioned that, I believe. Is it going well?"

"it's going."

"on one hand, it is bit nice to have somewhere to jot my thoughts down at the end of the day."

"on the other hand, i'm getting real loose with what i call an entry. always tired, somehow."

"injury'll do that to you, i guess."

"I was meaning to ask about that. No offense intended, but you look a bit rougher than last I saw you."

"none taken. got a whole eye out, can't imagine it's all that pleasant to look at."

"I've gathered bits and pieces of the story from Papyrus and Undyne, but I would like to hear it from the one in question directly."

"What happened?"

"it's a lot of medical stuff. don't wanna bore you with that."

"You will not, I can assure you. It cannot be any more boring than the meetings I have to sit through."

he chuckled a little to himself at that.

"well."

"my soul.."

"decided to make a real big fuss."

"too much magic, 'parently."

"so it made a real big stink about that, and knocked a few lights out in the midst."

"Too... much?"

"yeah, don't know either. soul's being overdramatic, if you ask me."

some old rock song started from his buzzing phone, interrupting what he tried to say next.

"..Ah."

"Very sorry, Sans. I will have to cut this short. We ran out of time a little faster than I had hoped."

"no harm done. was running out of topics, anyway. unless you wanted to talk about the weather."

"seeya, fluffybuns."

"Take it easy, Sans."

"See you....?"

he waited expectantly.

"sometime."

didn't have a good answer for him.

"Sometime."

"Oh!"

remembering something, asgore dipped behind a door and reappeared with three flowers in a ribbon.

"Would you... be so kind as to give those to Toriel, for me?"

"I have not had the time to do it myself."

i looked at the flowers in my hand.

a lily of the valley, a chrysanthemum, and a zinnia. (had to look that one up.)

"...sure."

——

still have them.

they'll.. probably expire if i don't put 'em in water or something.

guess i should do that.

...

they're nice flowers.

..it'd be a shame to waste these to by letting them wilt like this.

giving these to tori feels...

like something i shouldn't do.

i should. for sure.

that's what he asked, and all.

maybe it's because i know how she'll react.

just can't bring myself to.

sorry, fluffybuns.

[rupertsfangirl]

Motorcyclist in my car Oct 25th

Summary: A semi-journal type text about a sexual encounter with a masked biker. 

Tags & Warnings: Smut, alcohol use, drunk reader (sorta), outdoor sex, mask fetish. Think I missed a tag or warning? Please let me know!

Word count: 1.3k Pairing: Masked man x Fem!Reader

A/N: I think I wanna turn this into a mini series but idk. The journal aspect of it is a bit lost sometimes but I still think what I wanted is in there. Please enjoy :> Also I know I've been gone awhile I was kind of taking a break from writing and stuff to be a consumer for a while (reading fanfictions on my new hyperfixation).

To start I was pretty drunk and on what one might consider a vacation, but this had been on my bucket list for a while. I guess that last shot sealed the deal and gave me enough, I wanna say confidence but that doesn't seem right. It was wrong and I knew it but that's what made it so exciting. I remember looking up into the reflective visor on the unknown man's biker helmet. His identity, forever a mystery which honestly turns me on now thinking about it. I’m thinking of doing something like this again. The thrill of not knowing was a feeling I’d only fantasized about before. Maybe I’ll write a little series of my endeavors, and I’ll be detailed so don’t worry. Now, I’ll get to what happened. 

The bar's lights were really starting to annoy me which is why I walked out and bumped into him in the first place. My face planted straight into his chest, it was firm. I quickly apologized to him but he stayed silent and just kind of looked at me. I imagine he may have been falling in love at that moment, that's what my big ego says anyway. He gave me a nod of forgiveness and walked inside. As he moved past me I looked him up and down, nothing crazy, some black sweats and a green hoodie but he seemed fit underneath the concealing clothing. I took a seat outside close to where his bike was. I was kind of hoping to catch him leaving, our small interaction piqued my interest; I could only hope it piqued his too. I sat for what felt like ages but I must have fallen asleep because I was woken up to the helmeted man crouched next to me shaking my shoulder. I could hear the sounds of a muffled hey underneath the helmet. I groggily lifted my head from my knees and tried to wipe the bit of drool on my lower lip. 

“Y’know you oughta be more careful where you sleep.” His voice remained muffled. 

“Huh?” I could hear him chuckle, it sounded warm and gentle, a real suave laugh. I thought it was odd he hadn’t taken off the helmet but it only made me more interested. 

“I said you should be more careful where you sleep.” I nodded at him, closing my eyes from the remaining tiredness. He seemed to be rolling his eyes under the visor, “Do you have a friend here or a car? Don’t drive but at least you can sleep in a safer place.” 

“Yea that blue one there.” I pointed towards my car.

“Alright let's go then,” he pulled my arm over his shoulder and started walking me toward the car. 

“Hey, wait I don’t want you to just disappear after this.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“Well talk to me, let me learn a little about you.” At this point we had reached my car and I was leaning on the driver door with him next to me. I felt quite sobered up but in actuality I was still quite out of it. 

“Fine, you’ve intrigued me. Oh hold on lemme take this-”

“NO!” I quickly slapped his hand away from his helmet. He was so surprised he had stepped back a bit and I can only assume he looked either confused or shocked, probably both. 

“What was that for? No?”

“K-keep the helmet on.”

“What, why, you can’t really hear me well can you?”

“Well it adds to your mystery, and my hearing is stronger than most.” It isn’t but he didn’t need to know that besides I could hear him well enough. 

We talked for a while, we laughed and all that good connection stuff, then he asked again about the helmet thing and why I didn’t want him to take it off. I told him the real reason: It turned me on, it was super hot, he seemed both proud and curious. 

I suppose we just spoke all the right words to each other to get into one another's pants. 

But one thing led to another and we were inside the back seat of my car tearing each other's clothes off. He’s pulling off my shirt, my bra then my pants and underwear; while I yank down his pants and boxers. There was no way of getting the hoodie off with the helmet on but I didn’t need all that. He pinched my nipples between his rough fingers while his other hand teased over my clit. Honestly I was surprised he found it. I could tell he was hot from all the panting, I could only assume his helmet was like a small ecosystem. I was moaning like we weren’t in a public space and not the fake ones. These were real, I was excited; I was aroused. His fingers made their way down and into my vagina making my back arch. I kept staring into his visor knowing he could see all of me; my erotic faces reflecting back at me, my nude body. In contrast to him; I didn't know what kind of man was behind that visor, what kind of faces he makes during sex. At this point I was soaking and couldn’t wait, impatiently I beg for him to fuck me already. He obliges and lines up his sizable cock before slowly pushing inside. A gasp slips from my mouth and I hear a faint moan from him. My hands move to grip his back sliding underneath his hoodie. It has a soft muscular feel. He starts to move, his quiet grunts and groans escaping through his helmet. At first his movements were a bit awkward but eventually we got into a good 

pace. He had surprisingly good stamina. He sat up more using his rough hands to grip my hips, thrusting at a new angle making me want to scream. He kept hitting my sensitive part as my moans grew louder, suddenly my hand was pushing against his lower abdomen. 

“I think, I hear someone.” His hips slowly came to a halt and I began listening more intently hearing some faint laughing outside, it didn't sound that close so maybe I was just being paranoid. He probably couldn’t hear that well so I was on a higher alert.

Tilting his head and asking, “But, isn’t that part of the fun?” He used his hand to pull my chin to look back at him, before covering my mouth and continuing to move. Definitely one of the top five hottest moments I've had with someone, probably even top 3. I was starting to get close from his thrusting and my fingers relentlessly on my clit. The throbbing and twitching of his dick inside me let me know he was also close. He slid his hand off of my mouth and placed both hands back on my hips, quickening his pace. Our body heat filled the car, steamy windows, moans and grunts, inching ever closer to that sweet release. He kept hitting a spot that made me feel like a glass about to spill over, I could see my face in his visor as I got closer to climax, I had never felt as beautiful as I felt in that moment. Then it all poured out, I felt a wave of pleasure wash over me, he came just moments before myself. He stayed inside but the condom caught it all (I had one in my glove box). He pulled out and we stayed breathing heavily for a while just looking at each other; I assumed he was looking at me but his eyes could have been wandering my body for all I know. 

We tied off the condom, got cleaned, and got dressed. Then we went our separate ways, I walked with him to his bike before watching him disappear into the distance on the road. Overall a steamy encounter, one I’ll never forget. But he may have competition soon, Halloweens coming up and there will be plenty of masked fish to choose from. 

[helixobesity]

🌀 Ring 🌀

• Guess I should put this old journal I got to good use this year! Maybe just day to day worries or fun stuff that happened!

Oh! Speaking of fun for a first entry, I got a letter in the mail and it was my great aunt! Said she was clearing out her attic and found this gorgeous ring, and she sent it over to me! It fits absolutely perfectly, I can’t wait to go out to dinner with it tonight!

• Why does everyone keep saying I look… bigger?

I mean, I’ve just been wearing this new ring, and it’s a little tight sure

And I feel fine

People keep saying I look… fuller?

Is that a compliment? It must be, right!

Right?

• Ok so it’s been a couple days and

I maybe sorta see what people mean…

It’s only been a week and I’ve put on like 10 pounds!

I have no clue how I’ve been eating like normal I swear!

Maybe I should go on that diet I keep talking about doing… it’s still the new year after all

• Wow ok uh, summertime really snuck up on me this year but uh… guess my partner, I mean, ex-partner, wasn’t too happy that I’ve gained, like, nearly 50 pounds this year. I uh, got so winded when we were.. trying stuff together, he said it was a “turn off”… but honestly it just made me more excited. I’ve been getting like that a lot recently, maybe with how my thighs are touching all the time, and the fact I’ve gone up 5 pant sizes has been driving me… what am I saying??

Anyway, His loss though! I’ve been doing everything right! I’ve been dieting, working out, taking the stairs at work, I just… I keep putting on more weight? God this is really hurting my head. When’s my takeout coming?

• Heyyyy diary! Back again, and uhh, I think I’ve gotten kinda.. fat. Oooh feels weird to admit that, everyone keeps saying I’m fat at work! Well, they did before they “fired” me after I ate out the refrigerator, again. And, like, I’ve definitely put on weight. A lot a lot of weight.. idk what’s bigger than 100? That much! But I promise I’m doing everything these stupid diet plans say to do, and my belly just keeps getting bigger and bigger and…

Wow I’m getting super hungry again...

• Diary! I always forget to write in this stupid thing, but my new partner found it while cleaning to go live at their place, and I’m so excited with all the holidays coming! I’m, like, way too big to live on my own now, moving is so hardddd, I’m a big pig! 550 pounds is.. big right? Or.. is it… god I’m starving again, hope my darling gets back soon from getting food. Hang on, did this ring always used to be so shiny… it’s pretty.. and really, like, pink!

• My partner feeds me lots!! I’m soooo happie! They say I’m their, like, good piggy! And it’s soooo hott! I wannas be fatter… way way fatter, I’m so hungry, partner is feeding me as I write this! They even got me a new ring to go with my old one!! And I… I… did I always used to think about food so much? I… wasn’t this fat a year ago. What happened? I… oh god did the ring… Make… me…

Hehe~

What’em I saying? I love food! I wanna be soooo so much fatter, it’s not enough. I gots to be fatter

I gotta eat

I need to be fatter…

So… much fatter…

🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀💿🌀

[cowboy]

journal #2

Good eve. :)

I've been in a strange way these past few days. I don't even know where to start seeing as this is seen by strangers who know nothing about my life, not even the mundane or simple things. but I'll just go into it.

This feeling I've been having of feeling like a tiger pacing in a cage has existed for years now and it flares up every once in a while. what does it feel like to let that pressure buildup go? is it possible to let it go? what would cause that pressure to burst and be freed? is this feeling eternally subconscious-to-conscious-to-subconscious-again? as in, i feel like it comes and goes but always exists. does it ever truly, truly leave? what does it mean to feel free, or cageless, anyway?

do y'all even know that feeling i'm talking about? lmao.

i have been going crazy over this crush for way too long and that's definitely adding to my feeling. i feel absolutely tied to a crush when i have one; i become addicted to the sensation of being near them and i forego so many of my desires and needs for them.

i came back home the other day to a messy room for five days in a row and only today could i clean it. i'm actually also realizing i haven't had my meds for a month now and i think that's really adding to this feeling and these actions (or... lack thereof).

anyway, i made a hinge profile this morning and i quickly realized how much i enjoy being found cute! it usually makes me feel really nervous but the separation of an app/ability to just swipe left or whatever made me feel more in control. to be clear, i hate that i enjoy it so much. i feel very vain in that sense -- i suppose it's human, but i'd like to think i don't need/want to be found attractive. oh well. i do i guess. not sure if that's something i should like... fix.

hinge both helped and did not help at all with my crush. i've been able to realize there's attractive funny interesting people out there that my crush tunnel vision was distracting me from, so i feel a lot less tethered to my crush. on the flipside, i realized so quickly that the type of person i am really truly fully attracted to at the moment doesn't exist, because it's just my crush. i just want someone exactly like him because i just like him so much. Lmaoooooooooo.

i'm also feeling stuck on this one art piece i'm making for my now-ex-but-still-bestie -- here's a pic of all the drafts i made of it:

that pic is missing one; four drafts total exist.

here's a close up of the most completed one:

plus my stupid looking goose ass. (my eye is red and irritated rn.)

it says "isn't it funny that we're here and not there?" i liked this concept for a while but now i am sick of it after drawing it three times and i feel like the message is boring to me now. i wanna draw something new, but i haven't properly set aside the time to develop any novel concept that would be appropriate as a gift for my friend.

anyway, i'll try to figure that out. what i'm more interested is -- do you feel like you get anything from this image, emotionally or intellectually? does it interest you at all whatsoever? what do you think the meaning is behind this piece, if any is notable at all? (i like it when people form opinions or theories behind the meanings of my pieces, so anything is valid 100%.)

also, would anyone be interested in purchasing one of these original drafts from me for like $10 or $15? again, i'm seeing if i might dip my toes into selling my art online so any feedback is helpful. hehe.

i'll end here. i have some more to post -- i'll be posting a little sketch comic draft of "notes on having a crush" and maybe people can find those relatable or what have you.

i hope everyone's having an excellent day. i am having a good one myself, despite that strange feeling of being pent-up and unresolved. :)

[atiredsnowcat]

wake — for the single-word drive!

~A month after she first woke up in the Source with no memory, Gridania~

"I don't remember that much of my life," the lalafell wrote in her journal. "My first clear memory, besides, of course my name and… age I believe, is me waking up in the Shroud. And having this… image? in my head of this tall person, way taller than me and maybe even an Elezen. And them telling someone to 'stop' and feeling snapped out of reality? I know it was a female voice. Alas, it's been a month since I've been living here. It's been quite weird to get used to this place. I barely see people my height and all the elezens are looking at me quite weird, like I don't belong her? I started picking up bits here and there about using weapons but I can't say I've found something I really want to use. I've learnt a few magic spells to heal myself in case of need, I know how to use a bow to hunt here and there and a lance in case I have to fight in melee range. But I heard people talking about different cities? Something around the beach that's the home of the pirates? A place deep in the mountains that has problems with dragons… And also this one place that is ruled by someone that's my race! And oh, lots of lots of more places but there's also this empire? That is quite against these cities. I want to travel everywhere. Get the chance to actually discover these places!"

A small knock is heard at the door. The lalafell closes the journal and jumps from her chair. "Who is it?" She says in a small voice. 

"It's Minoune. I've brought you some food! And also can you open the door? I'd love to discuss some stuff with you."

The pink haired lalafell opens the door. A tall Elezen, a head shorter than the door frame itself is waiting there. She smiles warmly, just like a mother would do to her child. She kneels down, pets the little girl on the head and then proceeds to place the food on the empty table near a few chairs. 

"So what is it?" The lalafell tilts her head, sitting on one of the chairs. 

"Well… I brought the case of your amnesia to Kan-E-Seena… and well the Twin Adders have been quite happy with your combat progress and they're willing to offer you some quests as well"

"Ok cool…" she says, sounding a bit uninterested. "What's the thing about Kan-e…?"

"Oh! She's the Elder Seedseer. She oversees the Shroud and talks to the elementals. And I've talked to her about your amnesia and she talked with some scholars that she knows and we might get in contact with some people to help you with your memory!" She claps her hands, looking excited at the lalafell. "Aren't you happy with that, Yuki?"

Yuki just shrugs. That was the name she got from a traveler that found her. A tall lady with red hair. She got told that her “race” is called lalafell, even though the term seemed weird for her. Sure, she only remembers that her name starts with "Yu" but that doesn't give a lot of information. She remembers seeing the blue big crystal as well, the one being all "Hear. Feel. Think" and not "Hey you're in Eorzea, in the Black Shroud, here's a guide on how to be human since your memory is gone"... She sighs. "These gods are sometimes useless".  She quickly shakes her head. After all, the elezen is still talking about some stuff. 

"Anyways, I've got your first quest and you should  go to the central shroud tomorrow! Don't forget to pick a suitable weapon, you never know what you might encounter!" Minoune averts her eyes. "And I'm still not sure what type of combat you're good at even… It seems you're just… good at everything?" She shrugs. "Not my place to judge, alas. It's just from what I've heard from people!"

"No uh… No offense taken" Yuki says in a faint voice. She barely talked this month and she sometimes has small moments when her pronunciation isn't the best. The lalafell always gets annoyed when someone points it out so she just doesn't talk that much. "I suppose see you tomorrow for some supplies and more details?"

"Definitely!" Said the elezen, clapping her hands once again. "Then hope you have a good rest and I'll see you tomorrow!" She gently pets the head of the small one and leaves the room. 

Yuki liked the silence. Helps her with sorting her mind, which is a disaster right now. She goes back to her desk and opens her journal. 

"Minoune just visited me. She still tries to act as a mother. Hearing people call me 'Yuki' it's a bit weird these days since I'm still not sure if that's really my name. But even then, who knows what my name is? No one seemed to even recognize me and all these names of races just sound a bit weird to my ear. Their appearance is familiar, but the term is different than what my mind is used to, it's just that I can't for the love of the saint ones remember what exactly it is. It's not that important I suppose, I can have some conversations with people, even though some point out that I have a particular accent. The annoying thing is that I still haven't seen that one tall lady that I've met that came up with the name. I could have maybe asked a few more stuff or why they picked that name in the first place but alas, it just looked like a simple adventurer. I'm probably overthinking this too much, it's not like I'd ever meet them again."

She closes the journal. Yuki places a hand over her chest and closes her eyes for a bit. That feeling of emptiness in her chest every time she thinks that. Just the fact that she might have a lead about her memory and she can never find it again. She glances towards the window, looking at the moon shining between the tree's branches. Is this how the moon feels, every night? Just lonely that she's so far away from the stars, but alas, they seem so close to her? An unreachable thing that seems so, so reachable? But what does she know? She's not the moon. She's just a little star that's oblivious of everything, burning their own story 'till it's nothing more than a spark that people barely remember. Not significant for anyone, as no one knows who she is. Or what her purpose is in this realm.

"Hear. Feel. Think" the words echo in her mind. The voice did sound familiar, like an old friend? But then that shard presented herself as a goddess of light so what does this little spark know about the brightness of that crystal. Maybe she just heard it somewhere else. Somewhere in the past, before the events of this month. After all, it does feel… close to that "Stop" she heard a while ago. She shakes her head. "Maybe too much overthinking for one night". Yuki closes the window and lays down on her bed, managing to get a bit of sleep for the next day.

Once the morning arrives, the lalafell manages to get out of her bed. At least she knows she's not the most "morning" person you might find around.

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

Sister Cities: Night Vale (Welcome to Vermillion Falls)

A friendly desert community where the sun is bright, the stars have forsaken us, and the moon is a lie. Welcome to Night Vale.

Good evening, Vermillion Falls! Wow, it's been so long since I last spoke to all of you. I think it was... 2014? 2015, maybe? And I don't know when the last time before then would have been. What a wonderful time it is that we get to participate in this tradition once again. Well anyway, for those of you hearing me for the first time, my name is Cecil Gerswhin Palmer, and I am the community radio host of the beautiful town of Night Vale! In case you didn't know, we are your sister city! You'll never meet us, and we'll never meet you if you know what's good for you, but we are united nonetheless by the ties of family. And what could be stronger than that?

Speaking of family, Vermillion Falls, I'm sure you all remember the guy I was telling you about last time I was on the air - Carlos the Scientist. He is a beautiful man with beautiful hair and an oaky voice, who conducts scientific experiments in his lab by Big Rico's Pizza, and he is utterly perfect in every single imperfect way. The last time I spoke to you, Carlos was my boyfriend, and he had recently returned from being trapped in a desert otherworld. Well - then, Carlos and I have gotten *married*! Isn't that the most wonderful news? Isn't that the most fascinating piece of journalism ever to cross your ears? We had our ceremony on the 15th of December, in 2016, at -

Oh, hang on, Vermillion Falls. I've just been handed a press release by my newest intern, Safa. Safa, should I even be reading Night Vale news, if the people of my community aren't going to hear it? Oh well. I guess it can't hurt. More about my husband soon.

But first, a message from the Night Vale Interfaith Crochet Club and Political Activism Coalition. As many of you know, this group advocates for the recognition of crochet into popular culture, as both an artform and a really cool hobby. "We want everyone to know that regardless of what you believe in, we can all get behind making cool stuff out of yarn" said Robin, who is one of the coalition's organizers, and also a priest at the Temple of Hekate out in the sand wastes. "First, you chain to the desired length. Then, you either go back into the second loop from the hook, or you chain extra and yarn over. Then, you repeat your actions to make various stitches. It's great." The Night Vale Interfaith Crochet Club and Political Activism Coalition would like to invite you to their meetings. You can find them every other Wednesday night from 5:01 to 6:07:32, with locations announced every week on their Instagram page. Crochet materials and political pamphlets will be provided. When asked by a member of the press whether knitters would be welcome at the coalition's meetings, Robin hissed, then threw down zir skein of yarn, then vanished into a puff of vapor. So maybe don't attend the meetings if you like to knit.

This has been: a press release.

Okay, listeners, back to talking about my husband. So, Carlos and I had our ceremony on the 15th of December in 2016, and it's honestly hard to believe that that was almost seven years ago already. It feels like yesterday that my beautiful Carlos walked down the aisle towards me, his face all alight with the love we share as we wed in front of our entire town! And now, we have a beautiful baby boy who we adopted. Although I guess he isn't really a baby anymore, since he's about to turn six. Our sweet Esteban is the joy of our lives, and he takes so well after both his fathers. He started talking at eighteen months, but not in the usual baby-babble way. His first word was "I", followed by the words "desire destruction should follow in my wake, and also I would like another Gerber pouch, please." Carlos and I were so proud of him. How many children have a complete sentence at the same time as their first word? Do you know any children like that, Vermillion Falls? Of course not. My Esteban is a truly remarkable child, completely one of a kind. He loves giraffes and other animals, and he also loves to throw tantrums where he hurls his toys around the room and screams at the sky. When that happens, Carlos has to pick him up and rock him back and forth singing "Valjean's Soliloquy" from Les Miserables until he calms down. And it works every time. I'm so happy with my family. I was texting your radio host, Frank Luna, in our town voice group chat, and I sent him so many pictures of my husband. Like this one, where -

Ughhhh, another press release? Safa, I'm doing extremely important work here. I know this is only your first day, but usually press releases are supposed to be spaced out more, and I just did one! No, I totally did. Um, you might think I've been rambling about my family for a really long time, but time is subjective, and I am the station manager here. Okay, fine. Let's see what we've got.

The Night Vale Board of Education would like to announce an update to all their dictionaries. Effective immediately, they will be changing science curriculums to include "guilt" as a step in the scientific method. "Just take a moment to ponder what you're doing," said Director of Emergency Press Conferences Pamela Winchell, who wore a Jurassic Park Hoodie. "And think about whether it's really worth it, whatever 'it' is that you're about to do. Scientifically, I mean. This makes sense to me. Any questions? Yes, you with the clipboard." Several journalists with clipboards began speaking at the same time. "Leann with the clipboard," Pamela clarified. Leann asked her question, which was not picked up by the mics, but which Pamela helpfully repeated back verbatim. "Is our decision impacted by the recent works of Doctor J-" Here Pamela paused and made a face as if she had just bit into the sourest of lemons. "By Doctor Jan-" Pamela paused again and shakily took a sip of water. "I'm going to pretend you said by 'that woman' because that's more tolerable to me. Yes, it is. Anyone else? No? Alright, bye then." With that, Pamela hastily climbed into a car and drove away. Well, listeners, I must say, I completely agree with this decision. Mostly because I texted my husband to ask him what he thought, and he said he agrees too. So there you have it.

And now for traffic.

A car lies alone in a quiet ditch and the driver is still alive. On the back bumper, there is an array of colorful stickers, all pastel and candy-hued. One sticker says "Night Vale Community College Honor Student", a declaration of personal achievement that would be pretentious, were it not so admirable. There is a sticker that says "Save the Bees" and a sticker that says "Shop local" with a little cartoon farmer. There is a pride flag sticker, a nautical delta flag sticker, a sticker of the US flag on fire. The tires of the car are also on fire. Just the front ones. The left side door is dented inward, and already flowers are growing through the rust hole in the open passenger door. It squeaks on its hinges, still swaying, while dandelions and nightshade poke up through the metal. In the rearview mirror, lights twinkle red and blue. The pieces of metal scattered all around catch this light, and reflect it, dancing all over the quiet ditch and the empty road, a dazzling, shimmery display. A moth lands on the windshield, which resembles a disco ball, if disco balls were vaguely rectangular. The lights are getting closer now, and the moth flits away into the night. A car lies alone in a quiet ditch, and the driver is still alive.

This has been traffic.

Alright, so back to my family. Carlos, Esteban, and I live on Ourobourus Road, in the nicest house on our street. We have a backyard where Esteban plays on his jungle gym, and where we can walk our dog, Aubergine. Safa, what is it now? Oh, right. The weather. I guess I have extended the broadcast a little bit too much. Well, Vermillion Falls, let's go to the weather.

Welcome back, Vermillion Falls.

While we were in the weather, I asked my new intern, Safa, to go over the next few media reports to see if they could just kind of condense them down a little bit for me. I did go a little bit over the time limit, but can you blame me? I haven't talked to you all for years! I really wanted to give you updates about Carlos! Anyway, Safa was reading the reports while they poured themself a glass of water from the sink, but accidentally dropped them in. And when they reached to pick up the soggy papers, Safa's arm sank deep underwater. Much deeper than the half-inch of water pooled into the sink. Their entire body pitched forward, and Safa splashed into the sink. They tried to swim back up, to climb back out of the sink and into Night Vale, but instead, Safa resurfaced in the middle of a lake, in the town of Vermillion Falls!

I know this because Frank just texted our group chat. And according to him, no one who's entered Vermillion Falls through that lake has ever left. It's pretty difficult to find Night Vale, anyways, so it's safe to say that Safa will be there with you guys for a while. Perhaps indefinitely. So, please welcome Safa to your town! I'm sure they'll have a great time. At least, I hope so.

And to the family and loved ones of Intern Safa, they weren't that great of an intern, and they kept interrupting me, but they aren't technically dead, so I can speak as ill of them as I'd like. I'm sure they will call you soon. Just probably from a different time zone.

Alright, back to my broadcast about my husband. That's what this was supposed to be, after all, and I think it's fair enough that I can continue it without any more interruptions. So, settle in, Vermillion Falls! I have a lot to catch you up on. So anyway, Carlos's skin is beautiful and smooth, since he uses an incredible skincare routine made up of two toners and a revitalizing serum, and his cologne...

Broadcast continues for three hours.

[werebutch]

I cant wait to move out im going to suffer so much but ill also have so much that i dont right now. Im so glad i found my love of cooking recently its so so fulfilling. I’m so excited for school and im so nervous. I’m so excited to make friends again and have a schedule. Live in my own little world. It’s like so cheesy but im kind of finally starting to get over my thing about dying young. Like since i was 12 i planned to die before i graduated high school (and at 12, i hoped before i completed 8th grade) but its been almost 2 years since i got my diploma. Now i have my little bunnies and a lot of passion for new and old hobbies etc. like up until a little while ago i could not envision a future for myself at all, its like i was genuinely incapable. And i still kinda am, but its slowly getting better at least for now. And idk im a major loser im pretty much freeloading right now i dont really have friends and I haven’t dated in like.. 4 years? Which is insane. But also like a lot of other people are major losers. I’d go as far as to say most people are losers. and ive told myself this so much im starting to believe it so thats good i guess. The suicidal ideation hasn’t gone away but i can deal with it better. Or at least distract myself better. Anyways ive also experimented with art so much the last couple years and it only makes me want to try more mediums. Since becoming less depressed my intense love for the earth just keeps inspiring me more and more and i think i finally have a very abstract idea of what i want to do with my career. Maybe. At least for now i do, which is good. It’ll change and thats fine. I’m honestly really worried about this high ive had for the past couple weeks because im really scared it will all go away. I’m not usually this optimistic and its scaring me big time. I still have so much mental trouble with my body and my relationship with my family those are like the major things. And the loneliness of course. I just really hope i dont like ? Crash? And start feeling horrible again. I dont know what im saying anymore LMFAO i should really write in my journal im just lazy. If u read this all youre a real werebutch fan. Make me feel less scared of college please