#anyways i feel so fucking bad for my sister
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Hey- don't get mad, but I (kinda) didn't listen to your advice and a few things fucked (as expected) but I listened it halfly- like it doesn't matter rn but thank youuu, it helped
Btw it's Czesław.
I decided to listen to you and not change my name, because I love it and the name was given by my sister (who died when I was 14) anyway, I decided Americans are not worth it. Anyway, you looking it up to pronounce it right literally made me so happy, thank you (yes the pronunciation is correct, and sorry for the late update I wasn't planning on updating originally)
But I added a name, (Olive bc I realized I can name myself anything bc America is not strict on this topic, like what? You can name yourself after olive??? I chose it because it's funny in my language. It's like I named myself cheese or something, anyway.)
Then my Friend was like, "האם אתה טיפש" (it means are you dumb or something like that) so I added an r and made it Oliver- anyway, now I have 2 names- which was weird at first but still.
Then I learned it's a common name for trans people because when I told my name to a coworker she was like, are you trans???? And I didn't know it was common to change your name to Oliver- it's not a bad name at least, but Elijah was nice too.
Anyway x3, so I decided I don't like Americans much (no offense to you I love you xoxo) because I didn't want to change or add a new name much, but they were being rude and annoying, so I just gave up, it doesn't worth to correct them, i am tired. They Still struggle with my surname and first name, but it got easier now. And thanks for saying I shouldn't change my name for them, it helps when someone from us says that- it feels more real if it makes sense.
Thank you for your advice and sorry for the late update! And it isn't anything related but I got a boyfriend! And his name starts with 'cas'- so, fun coincidence for me!
I am still in the closet btw. and he is pretty!!!
Hi!
Don't worry, I'm not mad or anything lol.
And I'm not about what you said about Americans...a lot of us suck, ngl. I'm glad you're doing what's best for you <3
Congrats on your boyfriend! If you ever need to vent about shitty americans, feel free to use my inbox!
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*Vent post* you can read the tags if you want
#My sister's high school boyfriend just called my mom to tell her my sister's now ex-boyfriend was cheating on her#with her high school boyfriends “friends with benefits” so my mom gave him her number so he could tell her#my mom and dad went over to her house like an hour ago then my mom came back to get coffee and a pain reliever for my sister#and she told me that the high school ex and the girl her now ex was cheating on her with are over there and that the now ex is gone#but she forgot to tell me until she was about to leave that the girl didn’t even now what was going on at my sisters house#he literally just happened to be at the house across the street giving a ride to MY CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND#and saw now Exs car across the street and asked “who lives there? I know that car who lives there?#“Oh (now ex-name) lives there with his girlfriend and newborn baby” “HIS WHAT?”#So now my mom dad baby niece sister her high school boyfriend#(and his friend who was waiting in the driveway to leave) his friends with benefits#(who my mom said was cute with green hair and piercings) and my childhood best friend#are all at my sister's house while she and the green-haired girl cry#anyways i feel so fucking bad for my sister#and green-haired girl and HS Ex#and my sisters fucking baby#FUCK NOW EX#THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE SHE WAS PREGNET#FUCK YOU ASSHOLE#MY LIFE IS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC AND FUCKED YOUD THINK I WAS A SIDE CHARACTAR ON SHAMELESS#(that is the one with the guy from gotham and swjfo right?)
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being a jaime defender is difficult bc on one hand hes hot and sexy and clever and complex and depressed and my special pretty boy knight kingslayer but on the other hand he also has sex with his sister-lover in a sept by the corpse of his nephew-son right after he learns that his beloved brother might've been the killer
#in the next scene his father disowns him not for fucking his sister but for not wanting to fuck a 16y/o girl and quit his job#asoiaf#jaime lannister the man that you are#jaime lannister#valyrianscrolls#joffrey baratheon#cersei lannister#tyrion lannister#a song of ice and fire#got#game of thrones#every time i jaime post i feel like im giving free ammo to my friends and enemies alike. awful#anyways congrats to jaime for having the best chapters!#the brainrot is so bad that i genuinely binged through 150 pages of ASOS just bc i saw some good jaime edits.#asos#a storm of swords
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Noticing that TV and film will often have a character either have had an abortion in the past that isn't showcased on screen (and just used as part of the character's ~fucked up and twisted backstory~) OR contemplate getting an abortion in the present day but not to through with it. Just once I want to see someone delete that fetus within the events of the plot and not be like. Extremely majorly punished for it and/or be in the wrong
#ramblings of a lunatic#was watching a tv show w the fam recently and it's the 2nd series of a show that was clearly written with only 1 in mind#so in the 2nd season a character gets pregnant (bc ofc) and contemplates getting an abortion#only to do the whole 'omg she thinks she's lost the baby and realizes she wanted to keep it all along!'#which like. fine and valid and happens to ppl irl I'm sure#but like. this season doesn't establish if she wanted kids prior or if she has a stable job (she was struggling career wise-#-last season and the timeskip this season doesn't go into it)#AND has this fucking bizarre scene w/ her boyfriend (whos mostly been irrelevant and occasionally annoying up til now)#where he says it's 'our pregnancy' that she was going to terminate and when she (rightfully) bites back-#-saying 'you mean MY pregnancy?!' he just. storms off and deflects#which would be one thing but we have to wrap up the main plot so she just apologizes to him (for other plot stuff)#and we're never given any indication that his opinion has changed and they're just happily parenting at the end of the season#which just. left a bad taste in my mouth#like I KNOW i know not every bad thing said on screen needs a big blinking arrow that points out that it's Bad and Wrong#but idk how I'm supposed to feel in a series that has painted itself as explicitly feminist up til this point#presents the outcome of a woman dating and bearing a child for a man w seemingly zero respect for her bodily autonomy as happily ever after#w no follow up#like the whole series is centered on a group of sisters and this pregnancy story happened to the youngest one#who's always seen as needing to 'grow up' in season 1. so assuming this is meant to be building off that arc it's so WEIRD still#bc yes being a parent is an opportunity for many ppl to mature emotionally but that's not really something the character-#-reflects on all season. it's more abt her burying her past relationship w a season 1 guy (who was infinitely more interesting than new guy)#-than anything to do with that#AND EVEN IF IT WAS the notion of pregnancy as a punishment/reckoning meant to make her grow up or take responsibility-#-which is secretly a blessing in disguise i. god the show fell apart so hard here for me#and my mom and sister were just cooing over the baby at the end and i didn't speak up bc i didn't want to be a bitch#and in all fairness I'm probably being a tad uncharitable in this post but like. don't piss me OFF man#anyway. normalise abortion storylines that aren't backstory fodder and aren't fakeouts for baby plots. please
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Genuinely feel so sick to my mf tummy but idk if its cause of dinner which was an autistic nightmare ( spaghetti but it was just..fucking wrong. ) or the like...10 chocolate orange sticks I had. They're super small but i was not keeping track of how many i ate cause they were such a sensory pleasure to eat :/ Or maybe its my body rebelling against taking a break idk
#i did genuinely feel nauseous eating the spaghetti#holy shit yall#flavor was fine but my sister keeps putting bell peppers in it#' youre gonna be happy i didnt break the spaghetti noodles' OKAY BUT GIRL YOU OVERCOOKED THEM SO BAD#like every bite of noodle was so#ugh#thinking about it is making me fee worse#my sister isnt that bad of a cook usually but goddamn#i might have also been more sensitive to it due to work being a fucking sensory nightmare today#idk#anyway i cant call out of work tomorrow cause i called off Thursday so hopefully i sleep it off (likely)#not a vent#i just don't feel well and this will help me document it lmao
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feeling feverish, broke my phone and many more horrible cases
#litterally broke my phone so bad and the last time it ws like 300 dollars to replace the screen#theres an issue w the bank and my college funds and its a holiday so its closed anyways#also i feel feverish but like no one believes me so who cares#pretty sure i lost my dentsit??healthcare cause of my parents#who recently decided AFTER my 18 years of living and me cutting ties with my father that yeah they are cool with parenting#coparenting i mean#<after losing both me and my sisters healthcare#and every other traumatic thing i went through because of them#i need to open up commisions BUT THE FUCKING BANK#anyways im so upset i might cry but im too cool and trying to convince myself im sane and the world isnt going to end because of my existen#happy new year!!!! im freaking out#but im fine#everything is okay im just#im okay lolllll#happy new years im sorry#for rambling um#my head hurts
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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ive had such an…. interesting day today 😇 anyway how are you all <3
#ranting in the tags btwws!!!!!#so me and coworker became pretty good friends recently and im more comfortable talkingto her cuz#we’re both lesbians and i dont like talking to men (we work at a gym so its a big male population)#also shes 4 years older than me so to her im like a little kid and shes like an older sister#but my other coworker (my manager) talked to her thinking that i had a crush on her and that she was ENCOURAGING my crush#I DO NOT LIKE THIS GIRL BTW !!!! like we’re genuinely just friends and its so annoying cuz#ive worked here for a few months now and im finally kinda coming out my shell and being comfortable with my coworkers#and people are only like recently finding out im gay (u could probably tell tho i have gay face bad…😭)#so it just gives they only think i like her cuz im gay and like any girl that i interact with#and apparently i look at her a certain way that gives i have a crush… MIND U THIS PERSON HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE#IF I HAD FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE SO IM CONFUSED???#also generally speaking i really hate being accused of liking someone especially when i DONT like them because why would you even think that#especially being gay people just assume i like every girl i interact with FUCK OFFFFF#anyway. i didn’t mean to rant like that but yeah#kiwi talks …♡ᵎᵎ
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me (diagnosed with ADHD): *talks about little funny/annoying things my brain does (because of the ADHD)* my mom (not diagnosed with anything): wow that's so funny, the exact same thing happens to me too! i've never heard anyone else describe that. so random that you get that too. genetics, huh? :))
#sure mom. funny. funny coincidence.#this happens every time i see her#it happened like 6 times today alone#meanwhile my dad and my sister are staring at us like 'your brains do WHAT now???'#she doesn't really know much about adhd#i only got diagnosed a few years ago and she wasn't part of that process at all because she was living in another country back then#and like. i've gently mentioned to her before that genetics seem to play a big role in adhd too#and that actually many people get a late diagnosis when their child gets diagnosed#and it's fine. i won't pressure her to look into it more because she's doing well!#i don't think she needs meds or therapy or whatever at this point#but i just feel like it might help with how she sees herself? because it's so deeply engrained into her that she is Not Smart???#because she flunked out of school as a teenager???#due to bad grades#and like. oh i wish i could talk to that girl#things turned out well for her and she's generally a happy person#but still. i know part of her think she's stupid. and i fucking hate that#anyway i mainly just think this is really funny when it happens#adhd#nd
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ohhhh i didn’t think it was possible to be more exhausted than i was this morning. but here i am
#was at my sister’s house for like 4 hours planning and talking abt what needs to be done#i felt So fucking bad this morning. now i am in slightly better spirits but im just Completely exhausted#i hate all of this. i hate that i have to be here in this house for this. i hate that so much falls onto me bc of that#i hate that i was ready to get stabilized here and then this shit happened#and i hate that no one else in my family hates him Nearly as much as i do so i feel completely alone in having No good memories#and i hate that i had to experience the entire process of him dying firsthand#between his deterioration and him being collapsed on the floor#i hate that no one seems to understand how deeply traumatizing that was#i hate that everyone is saying nice things about him and he traumatized me So deeply and was just a piece of shit imo#and i hate tjat i have to continue living here and grieving over someone who i have fucking hated my entire life#and provide emotional and physical support for my mom who i also 75% hate#anyway. fuck my life ig
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trying to figure out what happened to you as a child is so fun because whenever I mess up or do something slightly wrong here I immediately jump to "she's angry at me so I'm not going be given dinner tonight because I don't deserve it because I did something bad and wrong and bad" and it's like okay. so when did this happen to me. in my childhood.
#and its not like my mom remembers or my dads gonna fuckin admit to withholding food from me as a punishment#and if I ever Was sent to bed without dinner which I think I was maybe? idfk. it wasn't because I did something so earth shatteringly bad#it was always because they overreacted about everything about fucking Everythinggggg (which my sister has inherited)#the worst thing I'd do as a child was. idk talk back? well. actually I didnt do that a whole lot bc I knew if I did I'd get fuckin killed#I feel like there were definitely times I was mad or upset enough that I put myself to bed early and deliberately miss dinner and not eat#but where did *THAT* come from#anyway it's so fun living with someone who can't control their negative emotions and you just end up getting retraumatized every time#they're in a mood or whatever and are loud about it so Everyone knows they're mad or stressed and you just sit in your room#anticipating being yelled at or screamed at or punished for something inconsequential its so fun I'm living the dream <3#(also for those curious my adaption to everyone in my environment being overreactors is I habitually and chronically underreact)#(which isn't much better. because you're perceived as not caring and it's like oh no I do care I've just forced myself not to feel.)#(as a mechanism for surviving a shitty childhood. love and light)
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God . . . imagine thinking Laios is a bad person who doesn't care about people. actual insanity.
#yea this is about you know who's 'review' again. it's on my mind now that i'm trying to finish the series. sowwy. ;9#making this unrebloggable from the getgo this time so that drama obsessed freaks can't get their hands on my ramblings again. fuck off lmao#anyways imagine thinking that. IMAGINE THINKING THAT HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HIS SISTER. GET WELL SOON OR FUCKING PERISH.#EDIT HEY I'M NOT QUITE DONE ACTUALLY:#i heard someone else say this and now that i finished the series i honestly gotta agree on some level#i think this specific YTer did genuinely try to give the series as a whole another shot (since she was only watching the anime at first)#but then when she went into the manga was so fucking mad at her viewers and fans straight up disagreeing with her personal interpretations#(which were wrong but she took them down the dumb as fuck and extremely wrong road of All of These Are Factual Actually Sorry)#that she only really skimmed the manga (or looked at footnotes/summaries) and took up a soapbox of I Know Everything About This Thing Now#and doubled down on her just completely wrong and honestly dumb opinions and interpretations being presented as fact out of pure spite#it legit sucks so fucking bad. cause like i know and have actually seen her audience who haven't ever touched the series#(or some that maybe started it and have some sort of beef with it for one reason or another and had those feelings validated by her)#parrot back these ideas as if they're true! i partly know it cause it happened with me and her talking about fucking ****** ********!#like legit i sometimes check like her channel or her blog on here every so often and i saw a post of hers on here#where someone in the replies just. blindly agreed with her! and called Laios a bad person probably without ever checking DM out themselves!#which is crazy cause this YTer used to call out like other YTers not taking hard stances#feeling they have to cloak whatever opinions or stances they have in a million This Is Just My Opinion disclaimers etc#which made me realize Oh Hey Yea They Do That like i used to like that about her!#but. you know. if her audience isn't forming their own opinions about a series and just parroting back her own to validate her being wrong.#then it's fine. i guess. epic echo chamber moments or what the fuck ever.#okay NOW i'm done i think. this time. i like to bitch and moan so i might vague post about her again probably. tee hee. :3
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i have been trying to fall asleep for almost an entire gayass hour
#my parents closed and locked their door tonight so our dog is whining and crying outside of it to be let in to sleep#and my room is right next to it#so shes like right outside my door whimpering and pawing at the floor and whining#and its making me feel really really really bad#i tried knocking on their door but they didnt answer :( i think my dad is asleep and my moms showering though#i wont be able to fall asleep until our poor dog stops. so#i tried inviting her onto my bed but its too small for her and my sisters cat is here#reminds me of thjs time when i was rly little and i would go n sleep in my parents bed all the time when i couldnt sleep#in yhe middle of the night#but they were kinda sick of it so this one time they locked their door but i was too young to like#understand the concept that other doors besides like our front door could be locked#so i like. sat their for like half an hour trying to open this locked door...like this tiny si#-x year old child in the middle of the night tryina open this locked door & sniffling & crying. lmao#whjch might b why our dog crying n sniffling outside their door bothers me so much lol#anyway it is almost twelve in the fucking moening and i tried to go to sleep around 10:30. im so tiredd.....
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me: you are all so horny for the vampire can we be normal for a second
larian studios: EXTREMELY LOUD CORRECT DING
#i don’t know i was aware his arc was handled well (<- is playing bg3 because their sister loved it and the writing for astarion)#and for aforementioned reasons i’m aware of quite a few spoilers#but i don’t know i guess i wasn’t expecting the game to encourage you to call bullshit on him and make Not Fucking Him seem like the correc#choice this early on in the game#anyway the meta reason i’m romancing astarion is i’m used to games where the game matchmakes for you so i just took a uquiz to decide. whic#is kind of the same thing.#my tav however knows they’re being manipulated. does not trust this guy. and is trying to get close to him to decide if he’s a threat❤️#which i will certainly feel bad about later but mutual manipulation is just so Fun narratively#and i think they’re a LOT more sympathetic toward him after the vampirism reveal#plus sorry he’s so fucking funny it’s legitimately hard not to like him
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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