#anyways cow dragons I actually have been doing these for a while

[purpleskelet0n]

After having an. absolute shitter of a day like a full level shart monster of a day you need to draw a cow dragon eat comfort food and watch relatable netflix shows to make it better

[snowblack-charcoalwhite]

I think that the misandry by the writers , especially Hess, is something that isn't discussed much. It's much deeper and dare I say, more sinister than just 'men bad women good' because the way she wrote the last episode shows that she wants to convey how Alicent's actions are commendable in a sense that her male children don't deserve her devotion and unconditional love anyway, while her only female child and grandchild do. It's framed as her liberation because she sells her own sons to another woman who is their enemy, but you know, it is good because Rhaenicent and reasons. As a woman, I'm appalled by this. What's worse is that I've seen takes here and on x like "Alicent regained her agency by ditching her sons for the woman she loves, her betrayal is understandable, go girl, you have my support" (and this one is tame compared to some others). Believe me, I'm not exaggerating. And I must be from mars because in my book that's not acceptable, understandable or commendable in any way, just the opposite. The problem, however, lies in the fact that the narrative and the writers' agenda support these vile and delusional takes. You don't even have to be a parent to see how evil and nonsensical this idea is, you just have to be able to understand basic human emotions and family dynamic. The writers and a big chunk of the fandom apparently don't.

Hello!

Thank you for this, really. The writers' (Hess' specifically) misandric agenda is absolutely crazy - and IMO crazy evident as well, so seeing so many people fall for it is baffling, sad and infuriating at the same time.

Don't they see that in HotD the women are the ones to blaim for something only when they side with men in one way or another? Don't they understand how forced, unsubtle and - because of that - cringe all the "you are a woman so you can't rule", "they don't respect me because I'm a woman" and "women suffer while men fight" are? House of the Dragon is one of the most force-feeding shows I've ever watched - and for some reason GA and even some people in the fandom believe it's alright. Media literacy is dead for real.

And the parent-children aspect of misandry you brought up is indeed one of the most atrocious things about the whole debacle. I am not a mother myself - but I have one, just as, I think, the majority of the viewers do. I refuse to believe that everyone who cheers for Alicent to abandon her sons has their own familial relationships so screwed that they are unable to understand the outlandishness of the opinion they are choosing to uphold.

Not to mention that in their quest for showing just how terrible Alicent's sons (minus Daeron - at least for now) are, HotD writers completely destroyed Helaena's personality, even the sparks of it she had in season 1. Now she is all about three things: bugs, clairvoyance and suffering (and I can't believe that the first point has been handled the best development-wise). Helaena is supposed to be good and kind: but what good and kind things have we seen her do? Taking care (kind of) of her crickets, offering a necklace in exchange for the life of her son (oh wow) and saying that she shouldn't really grieve for her child that much because the commoners' kids are dying all the time (how relatable for anyone who actually lost a child, right?). For most part she is just there, staring into the distance and saying something prophetic (or, again, suffering).

Just imagine a real mother saying to her son "You know, sonny, I love you, but you forgot to thank me for the pudding I made for your birthday plus you called my bestie an old cow - so I invited your school bullies to our house so that they could beat the shit out of you, you ungrateful jerk. They are in the backyard, go on, don't make your mommy wait".

Just imagine a real woman whose son has just been brutally killed say "You know what, there are so many children starving to death in the world. Why should I cry over mine?"

Honestly, I am beginning to think that people are steadily losing the ability to connect the things happening on screen to actual human emotional experience - as if the characters (in HotD in this case) are aliens to whom basic concepts that have been holding humanity together for millenia do not apply.

[neixins]

happy gijaeha gtuesday! what’s an underrated moment you love? 🎤

THANK U FOR INDULGING ME LIKE THIS <3 i couldn’t possibly pick one single moment so i’ll just keep going until i can’t add any more images

i’m gonna stick to truly underrated moments btw, so no hot springs bonus chapter, no “if you feel the way i do, that means i can trust you to have my back in battle”, no love potion shenanigans, no “he’s stronger than i am” and adjacent moments, no “it’s refreshing to hear you discuss important things”, no cool battle couple moments, no “if you keep being so reckless, you’ll get yourself killed”, no “you can still live” (and definitely not those last two in relation to each other…... that’s already its own post actually). on that note, i’m also not gonna be including anything i’ve already posted about even if it’d technically count otherwise. was this an excuse to mention all of those moments anyway? perhaps! but u asked for underrated and underrated i shall deliver. ready? let’s go! <3

[transcription note: all the upcoming images are panels from “yona of the dawn”. end note.]

the first moment that comes to mind is this one from ch 135. like gija doesn’t tend to think things through often (he’s far from stupid; he’s just not a Thinker), but this—finding a way to use mizari’s interest in their powers to their advantage, in this case specifically to help jaeha—is just so endlessly interesting to me

[ID: part of a page consisting of multiple panels. mizari is clapping excitedly, saying, “that was incredible! how wonderful! how do you enlarge it? if i trained hard, could i do it too?”; jaeha is breathing heavily, visibly exhausted, and gija watches him before saying, “could you…bring us some meat dishes?”; mizari looks confused as he asks, “meat dishes?”; gija says, “jaeha’s gotten awfully anemic.”; yun adds, “some liver from a cow or a bird would be best.”. end ID.]

i also love it when he’s not using any of those braincells that he clearly has though <3 like this moment in ch 155. it’s also really sweet how he just continues chilling beside jaeha throughout the rest of the scene despite doing an absolutely abysmal job of hiding his hand

[ID: a panel showing jaeha and gija in a hot spring; jaeha says, “another guest, hmm? we won’t be able to leave for a while.”; gija moves to stand in front of him, holding out his arms, and says, “you can hide behind me, then!”; jaeha responds, “you shouldn’t have your hand out where anyone can see it, either.”. end ID.]

married couple behavior from ch 129. leaving out the previous panel so that i can include more moments but this happens after jaeha calls them the beautiful monsters of kohka

[ID: a panel showing gija as he turns towards jaeha to correct him, saying, “the four dragon warriors.”; jaeha responds, “fine, fine. what he said.”. end ID.]

speaking of which, i love it so much when they have basically the same reaction to things (the examples below are from ch 172 but there’s more i’m not including). this becomes more prevalent later on which is just such a cute detail like yessss impact each other’s lives all the way down to picking up each other’s mannerisms <3

[ID: the first panel shows jaeha and gija leaning over the edge of a cart with similar expressions of surprise; jaeha asks, “algira? voldo?!” and gija asks, “why are you here?”; algira shushes them. in the second panel, zeno says, “the fellow sure is popular. when did that happen?”; gija and jaeha are standing beside him, both staring wide-eyed. end ID.]

this bit from ch 203 is soooo unbelievably funny to me. “i can’t take u guys” he says, holding onto gija……

[ID: a panel showing yona and the four dragons. she says, “but…i’ve only just been permitted to see you all here.”; jaeha says, “we’ll go through the window. even if we’re caught, i doubt they’ll try to harm us.”; gija says, “great! let’s go.” as he climbs onto jaeha’s back, wrapping his arms around his shoulders; sinha is clinging onto gija’s shoulder while zeno is doing the same to jaeha; jaeha says, “hey, i can’t take you guys.”; his hands are hooked beneath gija’s legs, holding him up. end ID.]

“woohoo! you’re so cool, gija!” from ch 159. they’re never EVER beating those allegations

[ID: a panel showing gija stepping forward, saying, “everyone, step aside. i’ll handle this.”; behind him, jaeha cheers, “woohoo! you’re so cool, gija!”; they’re both shirtless. end ID.]

love it when jaeha’s like “don’t ruin your pretty face” whenever gija’s acting feral. the example below is from ch 35 but there’s also a similar moment in ch 86.

[ID: a panel showing jaeha saying, “good grief. gija’s going to ruin his pretty face.”. end ID.]

who would i be if i didn’t include a panel where they’re badly injured and covered in blood? :) i’m just obsessed with the exasperated fondness here (also with gija’s chronic fatigue and other assorted issues codedness) (ch 143)

[ID: a panel showing gija slumped against jaeha, the psychomimes indicating that he’s woozy; jaeha smiles slightly as he says, “good grief. you’re nowhere near recovered.”. end ID.]

there are many candidates vying for the final spot but i gotta give it to this panel from ch 225. there are many implications one can glean from this if one is a yaoi scholar like myself but also just look at them. LOOK!!! THEM <3

[ID: a panel showing gija and jaeha asleep next to each other; gija is sleeping soundly and reaching towards jaeha with his dragon hand, poking the side of his face; jaeha is frowning. end ID.]

[onlyinthedas]

LET'S GET REACQUAINTED ! hey rpc ! lets be honest, datv brought us all back in one way or another either you're a veteran or new, i'm sure there is stuff that has changed or we don't know each other so let's have a game about it to reintroduce each other ! repost this to do the same & tag some pals if you want !

Name / Penname: Kat. Short and sweet right?? for veterans, did you go by something previously ? name &/or penname: nope, that's always been my penname. age & gender ( if comfortable sharing ): 39 female what was your first dragon age muse: my bby boy Wyatt Hawke. There's a reason he's my favorite child lmao do you have any other darp muses / blogs: Not anymore. When I FIRST started I made a solo Hawke sideblog to my personal cause I was too lazy to sign in and out of different accounts every time, but back then people didn't like or interact with sideblogs lmao. TIMES HAVE CHANGED I SEE. Anyway I tried to do a small multi once with just my Wardens, that fizzled out fast so I went back to just my solo Hawke, and then I got too anxious/bored and left. Now I'm back lmfao. what muses / blogs do you have outside of darp: I have my personal blog @factorykat which I've been neglecting lately lol. Otherwise I write all the same muses pretty much in my private sandbox server and then in my group server I just have Wyatt, Bethany, Nate and Clara. thedas has two moons: the fact that Bioware can't remember they have two moons is one of the reasons why I like to say that canon is "merely a suggestion" lmfao.

single line, para, or novella: Para/Novella depending on how much I have to work with. Never single line. I am completely incapable of it. plotting or winging it: I'm fine with either BUT I prefer to plot, simply because my audhd brain needs structure. I like having a rough plan or outline in place so I can stay on track, stay focused and stay inspired by the scene. Winging it is great for asks/memes but otherwise i feel like I tend to fizzle out quickly without plotting. Alas, plotting seems to be an uphill battle around here sometimes. ;o; fighting threads, you bold enough for them? YES PLEASE GIMME GIMME. I love fight scenes and consider myself to be fairly good at them. what content warnings are on your blog?: very few atm, mostly about death or depression or whatever. I haven't delved too deep into things yet. what things do you need tagged for your comfort?: honestly, i make flagrant use of the filters and xkit so I'm pretty good at curating my own feed. If I discover something I'll make an FYI about it.

shipping preferences: single | multi | no ship | polyship. Multi-ship here, as long as the chemistry is there. Same for polyships. I'm down to clown if the dynamic works. shipping boundaries: I made a page with more info on what I like/don't like in ships. my big ones are unequal power dynamics like mage/templar, and extreme age gaps (less than 9 or 10 years pls) I also don't like love triangles which aren't the same as polyships.

fun facts about yourself that may have changed since in the past ten years( when inquisition dropped )-- man I don't remember what I was doing or thinking around then other than I learned to shiny up my spine and set better boundaries.

be honest, did you miss darp. come on now-- I haven't really gone anywhere. I mean I was off the tumblr RPC for a while and I missed parts of it like making new friends, discovering some really cool OCs or amazing portrayals of canons, HCs I never considered, etc. :D

challenge round! put a small top five things unrelated to dragon age ! - I'm a FFXIV player (I've been slacking but I'm raien decuir on Ultros) - This tiktok account is amazing and she makes a skit on a customer service help desk in Hell. - My cat's name is Professor Kitty. - healthcare should be a human fucking right (oops) - dogs are not actually color blind but cows are, did you know that? lol

tagged by: @alitlantern ty friiiend

tagging: @pugna-nobilis @mocksfate @ofandrastes @that-hawke-woman

[captain-lonagan]

MCD Rewatch S1 Ep33: Sugar and Dragons

Do you need to watch this? 0%

Is it fun to watch? 0%

Plot Summary: Aphmau walks in a circle while talking about how far she has to travel, then gets yet another side quest.

Personal Notes:

dogs dying

being weird about little maid again

“I don’t want to see them get hurt” Thorgi is covered in blood, on one health, and crying because he’s starving. you do not care about your dogs at all, don’t lie to me

“kyah” throwing up rn

just noticed KC’s skin has garters

this mod is so so so uncomfortable dude

FOCUS UP. WE HAVE A MISSION

STOP CORRALLING AND COLLECTING THE MAIDS WHO ESCAPED THE BUILDING. THEY’RE PASSIVE MOBS IT DOESN’T MATTER. MOVE ON

maid mod demo but once again Aphmau doesn’t know how the mod works so it’s just her walking in a circle and being confused for ages

“we have a long way to go” YOU HAVE BEEN WALKING IN A CIRCLE FOR TEN MINUTES

whenever Aphmau walks anywhere she doesn’t actually talk about anything she just starts saying the animals she sees. “There’s a panda over there....there’s a cow over there...there’s a tiger over there...there’s some cows over there...” this has gone on for over 5 minutes in the past and it drives me insane whenever she does it. if you have nothing to say or do you can just edit your fucking videos to cut out the time. it might even make the distance you’re traveling seem substantial since I CAN SEE THE MAID CAFE LESS THAN 3 CHUNKS AWAY

“We need to make a camp” I CAN STILL SEE THE CAFE IT IS A 30 SECOND WALK AWAY

“I’m a little lost” HOW

traveler camped out in the woods, he says Scaleswind is half a day’s walk away thank god

NOOOOO HE HAS A SIDEQUEST. TO GATHER SOME FUCKING LOGS

he’s a former Lord whose town was destroyed by shadow knights??? and he’s neither bringing up nor complying with any of the established lore around Lordship and how it works Okay I Guess

WE’RE GOING BACK TO THE CAFE ARE YOU KIDDING

JUST TO GET SUGAR TO TAME THE MAID???

this is gross

Aphmau the whole statement about being lost really is meaningless when you are able to get back to the cafe within 40 seconds of Walking

i maintain nobody walks as badly in minecraft as Aphmau does this is fucking baffling

logs are from a wyvern den btw

teleported to location using a magic staff given by traveller, it’s not a den it’s a whole ass dimension I Guess

STOP STALLING AND TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A SHELTER WE HAVE TO GATHER 4 STACKS OF THESE STUPID LOGS

the shelter is shitty if offers no protection + we can’t stay there anyway because WE NEED TO MOVE AROUND AND CHOP THE TREES

no but actually, all Aphmau’s stalling aside, it seems like Scaleswind is a 5 minute or less walk away. like it’s a 30 second boat trip across the lake, then you go through a forest and fields for like 2 minutes to get to KC’s cafe, and now we’re a “half day’s walk” away from Scaleswind, which means it’s probably literally on the other side of the next hill because it takes Aphmau 5 minutes and 3 hearts of damage to get across a single chunk.

[lost-technology]

Dumbest-Ass Crossover Idea That Someone's Gotta Do So It Might As Well Be Me, Someday, Maybe: So, given the recent resurgence of popularity of old franchises due to new material, and the nature of this particular fandom (Trigun) on Ao3 that I've noticed with lots of AU fics - haven't read them all, just seen the summaries (I've seen modern, coffee-shop, flower-shop, tattoo-parlor, Wolfwood moves to the Appliachians and Vash is a mysterious creature, one I started reading that was an AU sci-fi that was vaguely Jurrassic Park-ish featuring Wolfwood the game warden, some fusion with Game of Thrones that I started to read even though I've never read or watched GoT but went WTF at and something, something, unlucky twin-births and dragons...and anyway...) Why haven't I seen a Hunger Games fusion yet? Seriously, I'm pretty sure Hunger Games has gotten up into everything by now. I used to see crossovers of it everywhere in multiple fandoms. In fact, I have a giant multi-story series I was doing for a while on both fanfiction dot net and Ao3 where I fusioned it with Super Smash Bros. - which kind of makes sense because SSB is a fighting game, but I really did relish taking the innocent goofiness of Nintendo and making it high stakes where characters actually died gruesomely and had high drama because I am just sick and twisted that way! Anyway, my brain's chewing on Did You Get Trigun in my Hunger Games? Did you get Hunger Games in my Trigun?

Okay, so the biggest hurdle to this kind of thing is - I'd want a young Vash as the main character / arena-victor in the story. How's he gonna get out of it without killing? How's he gonna get out of it without killing and his whole thing of trying to save everyone? Probably will go like canon-Trigun, wherein he tries and fails... I don't want this to take place on Gunsmoke / Noman's Land because I kind of want the setup and lore of the Districts, so it would be an alternate universe in which SEEDS never left Earth and everything takes place in Panem. Because I don't want this to be "just insert character names here," I definitely would want Plants to exist. The Plants were created and different manufacture-types exist in different Districts, as well as backups and relays to support the various District industries and infrastructure. Vash and Knives were born to an energy-Plant operating in District 10, the Livestock / Meat District. Their names make perfect sense in this district, Vash being named for "cow" and Knives being for tools important to the District, respectively. (Yes, the entirety of this fusion idea comes from their dang NAMES)! Rem discovered and adopted them. She's the last survivor of a band of Covey that was separated from one of the main bands when the Districts were unified, her family having been round up in District 10 (distant relations in 12). She still sings her grandmother's old songs. Her full name is Remembrance Red Saverem, going by the tradition of having a color in the name. I'm not sure what ballad her first name would cite, but I could always bullshit a new Panem-specific one. Rem gets hung after being caught on subversive activities while Vash is in the games. Knives has to deliver the bad news when he gets home on the train. Knives goes full in on some of the rebellion-plans that Mom was involved in, but gets a little more mass-murder happy about it. Tesla is a Plant-child born in District 3. That is all I know. Feel free to brainstorm (Especially since this thing will probably never happen, I'm just spitballing ideas).

[portmantaur]

Veilguard spoilers, general critical/negativity about BioWare, u kno how it is

I know some ppl are upset about the Major Story Beats and I am too for various reasons, but I don’t agree that this wasn’t where the story was headed — particularly, I see people complaining about the mythal/solas dynamic and im like?? Did y’all never drink of that fuckin pool of knowledge as the inquisitor? The way solas opines, “you are mythal’s creature, now” — baby that was foreshadowing that wasn’t even subtle!!! I don’t LIKE where the story has gone necessarily, especially given how the elves/dalish have been framed throughout the games, but this is DEFINITELY the story outline that was laid out by the time inquisition was over. The writing and pacing are just really bad, so these beats feel even LESS fulfilling than they otherwise would have.

Its interesting bc I’m having fun being back in the dragon age setting, but the writing/structure/pacing is such a distinct falloff, even from DAI — which I still liked, a lot even, with my main Dalish-based caveats still withstanding.

But Gaider and Weekes were ALWAYS like this re: marginalization/oppression. They ALWAYS have been. And I see some ppl being like “this wouldn’t have gone this way if daddy Gaider was here” and I’m like??? Y’all remember the Dalish origin from DAO? Remember how that ENTIRE origin revolves around the blighted eluvian that kills your best friend with the actual literal blight??? This was the plan from jump!! The writing teams were still invested and not unskilled or untalented, so it was a little less opaquely shitty, but not by much. It was ALWAYS going to be a story by white people trying to make analogous statements about real-world oppression, particularly racial oppression, that was ALWAYS going to hit with the twist of “but what if they deserved it/come from Bad People” — because, again, Weekes and Gaider are cut from the same cloth. And they’ve been very transparent about that with their behavior towards fans.

like sorry but this was always going to be the “endgame” so to speak, and my gut feeling/reading of the situation is that mostly what we got with Veilguard is a game that was originally intended to be a live-service game, and the story structure and writing and pacing were never revamped from that intention even after supposedly “rebuilding” the game from the ground up after that decision was nixed (like twice or something, no?). I mean that’s also obviously why the stylistic redesign choice is so obviously Fortnite-y — there were clear clashes with higher ups/execs on what the game was materially supposed to be (fully fledged franchise installment vs eternal cash cow), and BW has been hemorrhaging employees for a while now likely at least in part as a result of that.

Veilguard was always going to be this re: major story beats, but because of the particular development hell it went through, we’ve got a much more obvious case of enshittification across the board. as a live service game, the story structure got incredibly flattened, and no one bothered to make the decision to redo -that- aspect of the game, so we’re getting a peek behind the curtain that hasn’t been as accessible before. But I mean look at it even in comparison to Andromeda — BW has come out and said, afaik, that there are no plans for DLC or expansions at all. They’ve fully thrown in the towel on the franchise, and it would have gone this way regardless of who was in charge of writing, because the story outline, IMO, has very obviously NOT changed that much in many years. The biggest changes came at the executive level of decision making, and someone up top seems to have come to the conclusion that DA isn’t a money-making franchise anymore. Which, yeah, that’s stupid for sure, but that decision is borne of the same frame of mind that thought structuring Veilguard as a live service game in the first place was a good idea.

anyway, I do believe we’re at a crossroads where we are either witnessing BW’s uncomfortable swan song, OR there is going to be a changing of the (executive) guard again in an attempt to revitalize the company. But to revitalize DA as a franchise — while I see it as perfectly doable, even after this mess — would require such dedication and humility on the part of BW that I just don’t see it as likely.

I think the next ME is going to be what really allows us to call it, but I’m putting my bet in now that it’s the nail in the coffin. RIP BioWare, you were a beautiful and awful mess while you lasted.

[serpenttailedangel]

Okay I was thinking about this more. And also being salty about ASOIF because it's basically on this list twice and one of those times affects me more, as someone who likes to write series and knows I'm going to have a harder time breaking into tradpub that way.

I don't really think shows are too impacted by bad endings. TV series running until the ratings drop is not even remotely new. Most people who watch shows already have cable or streaming for multiple different shows, so there's no financial investment in checking out one more. A lot of the time, from what I've heard anyway, the cancellations are less about people not checking out shows and more about audiences not bothering to finish those shows, or sometimes the tie-in products that were meant to help fund those shows not selling well enough.

You could argue that the lack of trust causes people to drop a show before it gets good. Simpsons took like 2 whole seasons to get good before it became a cash cow that was so loved for the next decade that we still get more of it long after it stopped being good. But shows ending disappointingly isn't new. Lost (wasn't that JJ?) and Seinfeld both had contentious endings and people still kept watching TV afterward.

The streaming model of "We need X many people to binge it week 1 or there's no season 2" is a problem because, genuinely, not everyone wants to binge, and if people are waiting a week or two to hear if a show is good before trying it out, then flighty studios who expect day 1 results might overreact rather than giving it a little time to see if traffic picks up. There are movies that don't do as great week 1 due to low expectations, but when word gets out that they're actually good, they see continued sales and eventually beat expectations. Heck, House of the Dragon practically won back all the good will burned by Game of Thrones' ending, even if plenty of people waited to hear that it was doing well before they returned to that world.

The lack of trust is definitely a problem, but it's not that people no longer believe there can be good shows or movies. It's that a lot of them have been taught to wait while for the 'brave few' to try out the new works to see if they're good or not. (And a lot of the high profile flops just weren't good, so that word or mouth wasn't there to bring the holdouts to the table.)

The book situation makes me mad tho. Outside of those two, I've never personally had a story I was tracking where the author quit. Died, maybe, but anyone can die mid-project and you don't see many people wait until a show has had all its seasons just in case the director dies. And aside from Martin apparently saying that no one can finish his work when he's gone, the authors I've known to die mid-story had estates select someone they thought was suited to finish their work so the story could still conclude. Compared to the absolute glut of trash on Netflix, basically every incomplete book series I know of is incomplete because of low sales inciting the publisher to pull the plug, not the author being too lazy to finish.

My favorite author got dropped midway through my favorite work of hers for poor sales. She had to self-publish the second half, and you can see that she wasn't able to bring the same amount of attention to the second half going the indie route that the tradpub half got. I'm grateful that we got the full series eventually, and I would have still call the first three books my all time favorite even if I hadn't had that conclusion to the characters' stories. But it made me so sad to see her stop publishing after that experience. And it makes me sad to know that a lot of other authors might get shafted by people who learned to mistrust other creators and applied that with broad strokes.

I know there's a chunk of people who want to only binge. Can't relate, but I know you exist. It already makes book series harder. In TV, your average binger will skip weekly releases and binge a season at once, but not wait for the entire show to drop before they watch all the seasons in one go. With planned movie series like the second and third Star Wars trilogies, how many people do you know who wait for the full trilogy to release before they watch it, compared to the people who watch a whole movie when its new and then wait for the next one? One whole novel is akin to one whole movie. One whole novel can be adapted into a season of a TV show.

That novel is the season's worth of content you'd binge before waiting for the next season if it were adapted for the screen. The weekly episode equivalent for writing isn't a whole entire book! It's what you get from people who post their stories online chapter by chapter on a planned release schedule!

Please read the books with planned sequels when they come out in the same way you'd binge a season of a show. The publisher needs to know there's interest in book 2 in the same way the studio needs to know there's interest in a season 2.

I see posts go by periodically about how modern audiences are impatient or unwilling to trust the creator. And I agree that that's true. What the posts almost never mention, though, is that this didn't happen in a vacuum. Audiences have had their patience and trust beaten out of them by the popular media of the past few decades.

J J Abrams is famous for making stories that raise questions he never figures out how to answer. He's also the guy with some weird story about a present he never opened and how that's better than presents you open--failing to see that there's a difference between choosing not to open a present and being forbidden from opening one.

You've got lengthy media franchises where installments undo character development or satisfying resolutions from previous installments. Worse, there are media franchises with "trilogies" that are weird slap fights between the makers of each installment.

You've got wildly popular TV shows that end so poorly and unsatisfyingly that no one speaks of them again.

On top of that, a lot of the media actively punishes people for engaging thoughtfully with it. Creators panic and change their stories if the audience properly reacts to foreshadowing. Emotional parts of storytelling are trampled by jokes. Shocking the audience has become the go to, rather than providing a solid story.

Of course audiences have gotten cynical and untrusting! Of course they're unwilling to form their own expectations of what's coming! Of course they make the worst assumptions based on what's in front of them! The media they've been consuming has trained them well.

[calldres]

reposting this story since the blog that reposted the prompt isn't worth remembering

the prompt is a demon is "slain" by a hero, but far later pursued a simpler life, and fights the hero again now that they have something worth fighting for

Queen Velouk Is Dead

Even though the title "Demon Queen" sounds infamously important, to me its never been more than a title. The people in the mortal plain think its a title given, taken, earned by the right of strength and taken from those who held it before you, and that I'm the most bloody of them all. Earned by bloodshead, ruthlessness, and nothing more.

Like most mortal demonology beliefs, its surrounded in speculation and "what ifs" from the mouths of priests too high a rank for others to question. To me, this specific belief is an outright lie. But they did get one thing down to a proper measurable science.

How to kill us.

They learned the power of our blood, and the bond it has with whoever the queen is and her inner circle. They're still wrong about who becomes the queen, however. Our queen is the same as their king. The monarch picks a favorite child, and they rises to power through tradition honored respect alone. Nothing more. The inner circle of trusted leaders is even comprised of the same family

But their holy weapons they planned to slay our queen with this time around was very very flawed. Normally they lure a weaker member of the inner circle to kill, Bind a weapon of choice with their blood so its far easier to kill a related higher demon, then use it to recreate the sound of a ripe melon in the mouth of a biting dragon with our heads. I hear of their newest blind zealot's plan from our seers. he already captured Rouk, our Blood of the Rift, and plan to raid one of the gates he made to come for me next. "Hmmm, that's cute". Sounding indifferent for the sake of the air of confidence is normal for our queens, though I am actually excited for this bearded bastard to attempt to slay me. The throne was never for me anyways, and I plan to leave it for my daughter who is a far better warrior than I will ever be.

My plan is simple: his hammer never worked on me from the start. I'm adopted.

To minimize the deaths in our kingdom, I wait along with our guard and an a member of the inner circle as witness to greet this self proclaimed folk hero at the planar gate Rouk made. It's important for that hammer flailing fool to see which gate to open, and our Blood of the Forge by my side will let him see us plain as day. "Come witness the death of a liar" was a good enough selling point to bring him within spitting distance of my to-be-assailant. The rift is torn in front of us, and an almost 3 meter tall behemoth of a human adorned with the blood, fangs and bones of my brethren steps through the threshold, followed by what I assume to be his trusted brothers-in-arms

I uncloak my staff, and strike the ground to silence the terror of the gathering civilians. That man stands eye to eye with me, and my people expect blood for blood with my guard at my side, right here and now.

"I see you didn't embellish the tales of your feats of strength, that's a first".

Piercing the silence, I attempt to shake the faith of his blind followers. Accusing their leader of lying while being welcomed with the sight of a cityscape far more organized than their glorified cow paths should do it, since it's in stark contrast to the savages they expected to find here.

He greets me with a voice somehow more coarse than rust. "Ironic to hear from you, Queen of Liars"!

Oh is that what they call me now? Was "Bastard's Butcher" not catchy enough? Maybe it didn't sound as good coming from a bard. I know he values that.

I raise my palm, ordering the guards to lower their weapons. Sure I could have this 5 on 5 fight break out, but I don't wish for anyone else to die in my stead.

"I know what you're here for. No need for unwanted bloodshed. This shall be a duel. You slay me and take my horns for your nation as you promised, Or you die here and now, along with your cause. Those are your two options"

His brothers keep their weapons at the ready. They either must not fully believe me, or expect their zealot to order them otherwise.

The ambient chatter and shuffling of the now gathering masses fill the air. He holds his hammer up to his chest with one hand, runs the other over the ritual stained head, and eyes me down to size

He unspeakingly rushes directly to me, past his men in a lunge almost too fast to use one of my few tricks. I was never very good in combat, contrary to my daughter's and court's boasting, But I've mastered geoshaping and phasing arcana well enough to pull of this stunt I've been wanting to do since I've been crowned. He knocks me to the ground, I raise my staff to guard myself, and his hammer rings down to my head as I unveil my trick

I shove my head through the pavement

I hear a cacophony of panicked screams and scattering feet as my people exclaim "Queen Velouk is dead!" with the tonality of a mourning priest watching the temple basin turn blood red. The dread filling air tightens my heart. This will be a day in our history marked with sorrow, but I know things will resolve soon. I now know his bloodlust will drive him to further violence, but he is only here for my horns. He will cut them from my corpse and leave soon. My daughter will want revenge after she is crowned and given the power to lash back, but I know hearing of my swift death will remind her to be less foolhardy in her approach. That savage is a worthy challenge, and I need my dear girl to take her 2time.

My spirit recovers its form after tearing myself from my body head-first, and I wait for the chaos above the obsidan roads to resolve. Once I am formed enough to move, I push myself through the gate and the last step has finally come

I begin a new life elsewhere

More years than I've bothered to count have passed. I no longer bare the horns that pierce armor and hide alike, or the skin to stop blades. I'm the daugher of an elderly farmhand. His daughter was possessed by an exile of my old kingdom and I shunted his soul out her body. took a good while for the father to trust the second new voice he heard from his daughter's mouth, but he learned a few things about demonology humans had wrong this whole time

when possessed, the original person is dead the moment the demon enters them. The struggling and anguished moans come from the demon not being able to control a new body very well, not because the host trying to break free. Once the father understood my words as I struggled to speak, he mourned his daughter's death, but left the body alone. Thankfully hes reasonable enough to see a demon calmly explaining something and understand it as a lack of hostile intent. He may of been grateful for when I banished the demon that did kill his daughter, but he wanted nothing to do with me at first. Nobody in that village did, frankly. What wise person would approach a body ambiently twitching on the barn floor for 2 days? Nobody tells you how hard it is to lose all your muscle memory at once.

Now days, while I may have a family, most folks here don't trust me, but they greatly appreciate having a "mage" on hand that can till soils far faster than any bull with a harness, while also keeping the other demons away. The father on the other hand has actually gotten quite kind with me once I changed my body to no longer be a walking reminder of his deceased daughter. To him, I'm a villager with a working spirit and "a heart of gold" as humans put it.

As the winter bite comes with the new winds, villagers become anxious with what always follows soon after. Tax day, Then a season of poor yield. People are scared of what the new tax will be, Since we heard there was a new king after some bard came through with a band of traveling merchants singing something about "death to the scandalous royal, birth to the honorable king". There was some part where he says "hail" way too much so I usually go to the grain mill to drown out the sound. very annoying, that one.

The peace of shoeing a few horses is broken with the clash of the fence gate. My wife runs with news "A knight is here, and demands tribute for his king"

Tribute? They're normally rather straight forward and call it what it is. A tax. "Whats this business 'bout a tribute?"

Distant screaming rings at the village board, and I rashly break away from the horse.

In the center of town is two knights on horses and a royal in gilded black and gold armor with the crest of crossed fangs adoring his horse's barding, saddle, and a patch on his breastplate. I know this face. Its the lying bastard himself, and that must be the new king

One of the knights grips my son's hair with deathly fear in his eyes. The king's axe is drawn and he addresses the now gathering townsfolk

"With new leadership, loyalty to a dead man is no more, and who takes his place must know who is newly loyal. You are all asked to pay tribute, and I will consider your worth. This boy here felt the need to remind me of the tax of a dead law. I, Bahram the demon slayer, savior of your land, and newly honored king will defend the honorable and reward the loyal. I am not an unreasonable man, and no blood shall run for dishonor. But you must pay tribute for your protection"

There are reasons why the wrath of a higher demon is so feared, even among the few humans who witness it. The soil hardens beneath my feet and the air stills. Our visitors may not know this, but my countrymen know exactly what this means, and cautiously back away. The king eyes down to the forming hole in the crowd, and sees the face of a displeased farmer staring back up at him

"Do you have something to say, dear girl?"

I speak the only words echoing in my head. "Let my son go".

"And who are you to make demands?"

he's evidently lost his knack for spotting demonic activity

Phasing is useful for many things. Few are prepared to fight the push and pull of matter and aether, and a stray breeze of aether through the brain is all it takes to cause a massive spike of anxiety in the living

The horses rear up in vocal terror and dismount all of them into packing the dirt road a touch more flat with the impact. The knight still gripping my son pulls him down as he plummets off his mount. The king rights himself as the crowd fearfully gets very far away from all of us. They know what's about to happen. It's been witnessed before when bandits tried to raid our stores of food, and they will witness violent retribution again.

Fury shoots out of the kings mouth as he declares "Whoever assailed my horses, come forth! Your crime shall be known".

A child exclaims "Raise your horses better"! Nobody hushes the child. There must be some confidence that nobody outside this circle painted by the abandoning crowd will be harmed.

"Very well." and the king waves a flat hand at the knight with my son, and he then kicks in his leg to make him kneel and lowers his head. The king marches over to raise his axe and declare "Then a reminder of who is your king is in order"

Geoshaping is also quite useful. I stiffen my right hand at my side as I eye his armor, unblinking. he does not bring down his axe unto his neck. i don't allow him.

i sustain the order to the two knights so they cannot resist, the other hand crooks the king to face me, like spinning a mannequin. I hear their desperate attempts to twist their body any way their metal coffins are pulling, the slight rustling of the leather and cloth padding under the platemail and chainmail I grip unmovingly

"A mage is in our midst!" I wish for that knight to remain silent, so I tilt his head to the ground fast enough to put him to rest. The king scrambles to have anything eloquent to say to me. I bend his knees so that he now lies at eye level. I glare across to give him a moment. I wish to hear his last words. I do not intend on loosing the life i wanted all this time, but I will not be as uncaring as he is, despite my wrath. I will hear his last words.

the anger and fear within the demon butcher makes the veins in his forehead tighten like they could suspend a bridge. his voice breaks as I pull him to be just before me. Unblinking. Unmoving.

"Unhand me, mage! I reaped the demon queen's horns! I placed them within the holy basin! I fulfilled the prophesy! I am your king!"

He really has gotten rusty

With the authority of higher demons speaking unto him "You never changed, have you? Well despite you butchering my people after taking my horns, I can at least thank you for getting me off of that throne. I can now live a calm life". The strong wash of fear and anger abandons his face in place of full fledged dread. My seers have showed my family and I the countless dangers this man has faced, yet I have never once seen this man completely loose his want for composure. Sorry, daughter. You will need another way to honor those you lost.

I close my fist.

[flightrecords]

The first story brought today comes from the memories of a black cat on the official account.

The author is a young Taoist priest who is taught by a dream, that is, a white-bearded old man in a dream to teach the Dharma. He belongs to a very powerful sect, and I will talk about his life later.

Before I encountered this incident, I was only a myth about dragons, and the dragon scales that the old seafarer showed me when I was in Weifang that could gather water.

I won't talk about the specific location of this matter, anyway, it's either Buyeo or Gongzhuling.

It was winter, and it was more than minus 20 degrees Celsius in late December.

Actually, I still haven't figured out what I'm seeing, and after a long time, I've wondered if it was a dream I had while I was fishing.

At that time, it was not the coldest time, the Songhua River was completely frozen, and there was no one on the river in winter.

I like to go ice fishing at night and set up my own little tent with a pot of shochu and some cakes.

Twenty degrees below zero can freeze everything, such as going to the toilet where you have to bring a small wooden stick to knock on it.

Sitting on the Songhua River, he took out a flatbread from his arms, burned a knife with a mouthful of flatbread, and fished while feeling like a master of the world. At night in the Songhua River, there is a rare sense of tranquility, and the empty sky can easily bring people's minds into an inexplicable realm.

When the wine was out, I suddenly heard a loud noise outside the tent, and the whole river began to tremble violently. I hurriedly ran over to see, and a big hole exploded in the middle of the Songhua River, and several people walked over to take a look.

The hole, about 15 meters in diameter (half the size of a basketball court), was smashed out of the cracks along the surrounding river, like the ice that had been smashed open by multiple heavy blows.

I couldn't help but pinch a cold sweat and knock such a thick layer of ice out of such a big hole. Is there some kind of live firing in the barracks next door, but the shells didn't explode, so I hurriedly ran to the shore.

Before I could get to the shore, all of a sudden, the ice began to shake violently, and I fell to the ice with a stumble, and the huge inertia threw me out half of the river, and I was lucky enough to slip to the shore.

The hairs on my body suddenly exploded, and my hair lifted up my dogskin hat in a daze. In general, when the human body shows such a manifestation, most of them feel a great threat.

It dawned on me that the tremors were coming from under the ice. There must be some huge creature hitting the ice, a 15-meter-diameter hole that even the largest fish can't do.

There were constant sounds in the surrounding woods, and I even saw a snake that was supposed to hibernate rush out and flee deep into the mountains.

In a trance, I seemed to hear a tiger roar from the mountains in the distance, and as the sound of the tiger roar became farther and farther away, the river shook faster and faster.

There was a loud bang, accompanied by a huge splash, and a big hole exploded on the surface of the river, and a pitch-black head rushed out of the ice with a big mouth open, snow-white fangs.

The beast gasped, its nostrils spewing hot air like white mist from a paper mill's chimney, and a huge fishy breath filled the surroundings.

I've never seen a creature that big, and not even a blue whale has ever given me such a big impact. For a moment, I felt as small as a humble bug.

The beast slowly leaked out, and a small body lay on the ice like a huge snake, and a huge pressure swept through my body, and I almost screamed, it was a dragon.

The giant beast's red eyes glanced at me with a hint of contempt, and it made a sound similar to that of a cow, only lower, more penetrating, and directly hit people's hearts, and the sound next to it instantly stopped, and the giant beast slowly sank to the bottom of the river.

I suddenly remembered the snake that broke the laws of nature just now, and the animals that ran, and the tiger roar with timidity, the animal avoids the king, and a dragon scale can make all the insects retreat, let alone such a giant beast.

Maybe this is a dragon, or maybe it's a dragon that is about to turn into a dragon. The environment was dark, so I couldn't see if it had horns or not.

[roadkiii]

Entry 1.4.7-2 - The Long Grind

Welcome to my blog. I’m not tagging anything but entry #, so sorry if my unrelated mess somehow ends up in your search.

There are so many features I'm excited for, I think I'll also add a couple of planned intermissions waaayy down the line just for me to look at and look forward to. Life stress is getting to me, but I want this world to be my kind of happy place so that A) I continue to work on it, but more importantly B) I'm doing something productive (to me anyway) with my time and not doomscrolling. If I'm going to stare at a screen for several hours straight I'd much rather give myself the space to think for myself and the opportunity for a creative outlet than mindlessly swapping between tumblr and youtube to idly kill time.

I'm also excited to build little lore tidbits into this world, I just had a creeper explode and reveal this cave to me, I might just dig around and make this into some kind of excavation site when bone blocks are added.

I kind of like the idea of a crater-ridden desert (who knows, some future update may change it into something else anyway) and I could probably do some cool fossils, they'd be massive. maybe just partially exposed sometimes in the sand.

AH MY BELOVED [I AM ACTIVELY BEING SHOT]

???? what genie magic have I activated can i please just get mellohi--

Also side note, I've been messing around on a creative world and I think if I just eat a gapple and get Smite V I really only need like two Healing II potions and a bucket of milk and I could probably kill the wither more than 3 times. The reason I think this is so doable is because I've been building the wither with the obsidian end pillars. The wither typically doesn't get very far so a bow isn't even needed.

[Pic from creative world] I'm basically getting more obsidian AND a star. plus I think I read that the pillars regenerate when you respawn the dragon later. Though maybe that won't happen here. I'll have to see.

I need more EXP to try for Smite since I already enchanted my bow (Power IV BD I'm okay with it tbh) and I still want carrots, so I'll create a zombie exp farm. I'm following this tutorial so I hope it'll still work.

Okay, seems functional. I do hear thunder though, so I'm a little nervous about what's happening on the surface.

I couldn't quite follow the instructions of his tutorial since soul sand doesn't exist yet, but I got lucky with my bedrock and they fall to 22 blocks right here. This will be so fucking nice. As I sit and idle though, the zombie sounds make me so anxious while I'm looking away from the screen lol

I'm hoping to get a full set of chainmail at some point as well, so this should be helpful.

One annoying part of this grinder is that I keep having to run back and forth, if I sit at the bottom and wait I think I'm out of the function distance for the spawner. I'm also not certain how many zombies I can have at a time down there, I see the number 24 thrown around a lot, but I don't know if that's a recent update. I do have two carrots though, so I guess I'll run up and plant those, maybe use some bonemeal (before that gets nerfed in 1.5 (or maybe I'll just wait until i hit 30 xp)

gdi again with the sharpness >:/ I'm happy to have looting now but this may take A While. I'd take Smite III at this point, but all I ever seem to get is sharpness.

okay I guess I can consider the farm done, the pigs and cows haven't been escaping from their pens so I'm not focused on getting [edit from months in the future: this was just left incomplete. dont work on your projects high kids.]

Now I guess I need to start putting this sword to use and get some skulls so I can actually summon the wither.

FUCK

Okay. I got Very lucky, none of my enchanted tools or the single skull I have fell. I'm going to take a break because that wasn't good for my blood pressure.

I think I'm genuinely going to need to grind for a while, so [letsgameitout voice] hold please

next (1.4.7-3)

[mojang-officialer]

What mob would do the best job of opening a coconut im asking for friend

so i thought about this a little bit too much and made a list of which mobs could either open a coconut, possibly open a coconut, or could not open a coconut, containing every single mob that has ever been in the game.

details below the cut

first some rules.

i've left out all passive mobs that aren't interesting, because you don't need pages of me saying every fish can't break a coconut.

all mobs are considered to have spawned with default equipment, nothing chance-based like enchanted weapons or armor on zombies, as that would be unfair.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

- Villager/Wandering Trader/Illagers: All of these would be able to break open a coconut. Illagers are proof that villager-type bodies CAN uncross their arms, but simply choose not to. They are also capable of tool usage, and some villages spawn with stonecutters. However, this feels kind of cheap, so I'm putting them here, as it's not really a NATURAL ability to break the coconut so much as it is the tool's ability to break the coconut.

- Any fish: I appreciate the enthusiasm, but no.

PASSIVE MOBS

- Horse/Cow/Donkey/Other hooved mobs: POSSIBLY. While I do think a horse could potentially build up enough force to break a coconut by trampling it, as someone who knows horses IRL, I am also relatively confident that they would also break their leg while doing it, because horse leg bones are made out of paper and glass. Cows and other hooved mobs MIGHT be able to crack it but I doubt they'd be able to build enough force.

- Baby Piglin: POSSIBLY. Babies do not use tools, but gold tools would probably be too soft to break open a coconut anyways. That said, those tusks are pretty strong, and while I'm not sure if a baby could use them to open a coconut, I'm going to say that baby piglins cannot.

- Turtle: A snapping turtle IRL definitely COULD break a coconut. Unfortunately the turtles in Minecraft are sea turtles, which do not have jaws as powerful as the snapping turtle.

NEUTRAL MOBS

- Bee: What's it gonna do, sting it open?

- Cave Spider/Spider: Technically neutral during the daytime. Sadly not able to open a coconut as a spider's mandibles, while effective at eating small insects, are completely useless for cracking open something armored like a coconut.

- Dolphin: This is in the neutral mobs section on the wiki for some reason. Sadly, no. Their jaws can eat fish but that's about it.

- Enderman: This one is interesting. An Enderman hits relatively hard, considering its weak-looking arms, and they are able to carry whole blocks, unique among mobs, but they can only carry relatively light blocks, so that doesn't help them. Their teleportation is obviously useless here. Ultimately, I will say that YES, an Enderman can in fact break a coconut, but with one caveat- they have to be angry. The open jaw of an Enderman is like a nutcracker, and if that closes on a coconut, I am near-positive it would break.

- Goat: A goat's charge could definitely carry enough force to break open a coconut. HOWEVER, it would have to be against a wall, otherwise it would just be launched. So, I'll put goats down as 'POSSIBLY'.

- Iron Golem: An iron golem does damage primarily through gravity, by launching its targets into the air and dropping them. Unfortunately, coconuts are designed to survive long falls from atop coconut trees. Iron golems would not be able to open a coconut.

- Llama: While llama spit does a surprisingly high amount of damage, it is not enough to break a coconut.

- Piglin/Piglin Brute: A piglin would be able to open a coconut. Their gold tools are basically useless in this scenario, but their tusks are not.

- Panda: Pandas can only eat bamboo. They are too weak to eat anything else. So no.

- Polar Bear: Look me in the eyes and tell me a polar bear wouldn't be able to open a coconut. It's heavy, it has claws. One of the few mobs I have to say would ALWAYS be able to open a coconut.

- Wolf: Sadly, wolves are too small to be able to open a coconut. The same goes for all cats.

HOSTILE MOBS

Remember, the goal is to OPEN the coconut, not to destroy it in any other way.

- Blaze: If the coconut is ashes, it is no longer a coconut. It is also not open.

- Zombie/Husk/Drowned: Zombies have such weak hits that it takes a full crowd of them to kill an unarmored player. There is no way those arms would be able to hurt a coconut. This includes zombie villagers.

- Creeper: POSSIBLY. While the creeper's explosion MIGHT open the coconut, it also has equal odds to launch the coconut away or to vaporize it.

- Elder/normal Guardian: It does not have any method of physical attack, and the eye beam and psychic powers, while cool, will not help it open a coconut.

- Endermite: No.

- Evoker: While these do fall under the honorable mentions category from earlier, I felt it was worth mentioning that the metal jaws they summon from the ground are DEFINITELY enough to break a coconut, even without using tools.

- Ghast: Same issue as the creeper, but even less consistent due to their ranged method of attack.

- Hoglin: Hoglins do a COMICALLY large amount of damage. They also have enormous tusks. They would definitely be able to open a coconut, though babies might have a hard time with it.

- Magma Cube: Ashes are not a coconut.

- Phantom: Now, normally I would say that they could break a coconut, as they could pick up the coconut, fly up very high, and drop it from above. Unfortunately, phantoms do not have arms.

- Ravager: Yes. Have you SEEN those jaws?

- Shulker: It would take multiple shulkers to open a coconut, as they'd need to hit it continuously to re-apply levitation, until it was high enough for it to break when it falls. That said, it's possible for a single shulker to break a coconut, just not as consistent.

- Silverfish: A silverfish can bury through stone. They would be fine burying through a coconut. That said, I'm not certain if that counts as breaking it open, so I'll put them down as POSSIBLY, though of course it's open to interpretation.

- Skeleton: An arrow cannot break through a coconut when fired from a bow that small. A crossbow, maybe. But not the default Minecraft bow.

- Slime: Slimes are too bouncy. All the force would just launch the coconut away.

- Vex: A vex alone is too small to open a coconut.

- Witch: A potion of harming cannot break a coconut as it has no physical force.

- Wither Skeleton: Maybe. A stone sword could break open a coconut, but a skeleton can't hit with much force, and most of their damage comes from the wither status effect. Now, if that applied to a plant, it would probably rot the coconut. This is destruction, but it does not break the coconut open.

- Zoglin: Hoglins but even more forceful and evil. They would break a coconut.

BOSSES:

- Ender Dragon: The coconut would fall into the void from the knockback and disappear. Not open, technically. Dragon breath is not physical damage and as such would be useless.

- Wither: The coconut no longer exists.

UPCOMING:

- Warden: Those jaws on its chest are impressive, and the strength of its attacks are pretty strong, too (at least in its current, unfinished state). It would almost certainly be able to break open a coconut, but due to its blindness, would probably have a hard time finding it to begin with.

UNUSED/REMOVED:

- Giant: A giant cannot attack and as such would not be able to open a coconut, except maybe by accidentally stepping on it.

- Zombie horse: Same as horses, but more persistent. Also would break its leg.

- Killer Bunny: While those teeth are great at chewing through flesh, canon (Monty Python) shows it cannot chew through heavier armor or a human skeleton, and as such it would be useless against a coconut.

- Illusioner: Coconuts cannot see illusions because they cannot see.

- Pigman: Pigmen were never actually implemented. Only their textures were in the game, and as such they would not be able to break a coconut due to not having a physical form. The same applies to red dragons.

- Human: A 'human' would only do the amount of damage a player's fist would deal, so no dice there. Opening a coconut with your bare hands without using some kind of tool is impossible.

- Rana (& other humanoids): Rana and other removed early humanoid mobs could not open a coconut, as despite their less-blocky artstyle, they were incapable of holding any object.

...and that should be every mob that has ever been in the game.

[spacetickles]

The Mighty Nein: Tickle Headcanons

no one asked for this but I liked making the TAZ headcanons so much I did it anyway. 

the mighty nein from most ticklish to least ticklish

Caleb

A ticklish baby, he thought he grew out of it in the years since his academy days, but alas. He is ticklish everywhere, it cannot be helped. His worst worst spot (not a hot take at all) is the tops of his ribs, he cannot handle it. He’s definitely the number one victim of tickle attacks out of the nein, they all love getting their wizard to laugh. Caleb is a bit new to tickling, it's been a good long while since he’d known positive touch, but he warms up to it quickly. 

He cannot ler to save his life, lord knows he’s tried, he’s just so bad at it. It’s very very rare he gets the actual confidence to do a good job and it crumbles the minute revenge is even thought of

Essek 

Second most ticklish of the nein, and who’s surprised? It has to be a wizard thing. His worst spot is probably his hips or his legs, though his feet are definitely bad. He thinks tickling is so undignified, he says he’d rather fight a dragon solo, but the nein can see right through his lies. He not so secretly loves it. 

His ears twitch if you tickle anywhere near them and it’s adorable.

He is a better ler than Caleb but only marginally. Mostly because he’s so damn easy to overpower, just flops right over and takes it.

Fjord

He says he’s not ticklish but he’s also really bad at keeping the fact that he’s stupid ticklish a secret. His stomach and sides are 100% a weak spot, and is actually one of his favorites too. He didn’t really even know he was ticklish until he met Jester and the nein. 

This man can Tease, his ticking skills need some work, but he more than makes up for it with the teasing, it’s inescapable and no one is immune, NO ONE. 

Molly

Ticklish and loves it, he is a little slut for tickles and we love him for it. His back, tail and hips are definitely the worst. He says his hips are, but it’s only because he can’t handle his back and tail being tickled, he just becomes a pile of purple goo. 

The biggest ler next to jester, his tail is a weapon and he knows it. It's surprisingly effective as a tickle tool, just pointed enough, but not sharp, it feels similar to a pen or a chopstick. Even without his tail, he is killer, he knows everyone’s spots by heart and he could rival Fjord at teasing, and when he teams up with Jester, with the traveler as their witness no one goes untickled.

Jester

In comparison to some of her teammates she’s not all that ticklish, pretty much right in the middle. Her thighs and her stomach are the worst spots, though her tail is also pretty ticklish. She is very very comfortable with tickling, she has absolutely no shame, I am HERE for the “all tieflings are knismos” agenda, and Jester was raised by her mumma, who is equally shameless about tickling. She simply cannot be flustered by it, the only one to have succeeded in getting her flustered is Fjord. 

The undefeated tickle queen of the nein. Any tickle fight she wants to win, she will win. She loves tickling others as much as she loves being tickled, and frankly Adores how squirmy non-tieflings are on the topic. She could just talk about it for hours, but everyone but Molly always gets so red, she thinks it's funny. 

Beau

She will eat you alive, don't touch her. She's only ticklish in a few spots, her sides being the number one spot. But for the first little while she did not let the nein even close to tickling her. But once Jester gave her some puppy dog eyes she couldn't say no anymore. Don't let that fool you she absolutely loves it, she just isn't used to it, and was way too attached to looking tough. 

A wicked ler, she will absolutely use her monk shit, and paralyze her lee. She's really rough, and it can be unpleasant, but fjord, caduceus and yasha have been working to get her to be a little softer. 

Caduceus 

Mr zen cow man I loooovve you. He's not very ticklish, but his ears and neck can really get him giggling. His hands are surprisingly sensitive too. He’s used to his siblings knowing exactly how to get him to scream, so he’s not exactly threatened by the nein, he just lets them go for it, hes ticklish enough to satiate their curiosity without finding any of his bad spots, but he can also just pick up the ler and turn the tables just that easy. 

He's a really soft ler, and specializes in sleepy cuddly tickles. Plus he is so big and fluffy that he can just give his lee butterflies with, like, no effort. Up until when caduceus tried tickling him, no one knew essek could purr. 

Yasha 

She's not very ticklish, but if she's tired and off her guard, her stomach can get her giggling a little. It makes her a little sad she isn't as ticklish as some of the others, but she's more than willing to make up for that by being the ler. 

Another soft ler, she doesnt know her own strength, so she's extra careful with tickling. It's almost unbearable how soft she is, unlike caduceus, her soft tickling is the kind that lights every nerve up with lighting, and goodness she teases, though she isn't particularly smooth it’s all so endearing mixed with the unbearably soft tickling, she is one of the best lers in the nein, up there with Molly and Jester. 

Veth

Veth is not ticklish at all, and she lords this over the rest of the nein by being the biggest shit. She's little and hard to catch and she uses this to her advantage, anyone with a tickle spot from hips down is in danger of random attacks, and spots higher than that are susceptible to mage hand attacks. And the best(worst) part is that no one can get her back, since she is not ticklish in the slightest. (unless you are Yeza, in which case he knows her one secret spot and has been sworn to secrecy on it)

[whimperwoods]

The Goblin and the Giant

Ok so I saw this post by @pleasancies and holy cow?? I love it?? So here, have the biggest whumpee and the tiniest caretaker (she said and then immediately whumped them the other way around a little bit, but like... just wait for it, it’s there):

Venk’s entire body was on edge, thrumming with adrenaline. This was the worst part of being a scout, or maybe the best. Whatever was crashing around out here in the woods was big, and for a while earlier, at least, it had been getting closer to camp. He needed to get to it, get information, and get back in time for everyone to get ready, or to run.

He darted between trees, staying in the shadows where the moonlight didn’t reach, light and silent on his feet, and with a firm grip on his spear that only mostly made him feel safer.

When he saw the thing, it took him a minute to work out what it was.

It was a foot, on the end of a leg, attached to a hip, and then to a body he could barely see, it was so high up. The foot, wrapped in an enormous roll of cloth, swung through the air and then landed on its tiptoes. It was a giant. And it was sneaking.

He wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.

For about a minute and a half, he scrambled alongside the giant’s slow, careful steps that crunched branches underfoot and nearly shook the ground, realizing as he did so that the giant was moving parallel to the camp, keeping a distance instead of coming closer.

Then, Venk got distracted, too absorbed in watching the enormous feet swinging overhead to spot the wasp’s nest in the ground until his own foot was in it.

He yelped at the first stings, too surprised to keep it in, and the giant seemed startled, too, the feet leaping backward away from the noise and coming down hard enough to shake the ground and make the wasps even angrier.

Venk pulled his foot out of the nest and scrambled instinctively up a large rock nearby to get away, cursing vociferously when the wasps flew up with him, continuing to sting.

An enormous hand reached down and grabbed Venk by the back of his ratty leather armor, lifting him up toward the giant’s face.

“Oh no,” the giant boomed, clearly trying to whisper to him.

Venk was still being stung, but that was suddenly much less important. He growled, baring his teeth, and brandished his spear in the direction of the face. “Put me down! Put me down, or I’ll put your eye out!”

“Oh! Ouch! There’s uhhh - there’s stingy things down there. Let me - uh - uh - over here.”

The giant held him at arm’s reach, took several long, hurried strides toward a nearby clearing, definitely shaking the ground this time, and set Venk back down on top of another large rock, about 400 feet from where they’d started.

Venk brandished his spear again and was surprised to see the giant shrinking away from him, one arm up in front of his face as if to protect himself from something.

Venk turned quickly to look behind himself, but saw no one. He looked back at the giant, raising his spear higher again. “Stay back!” he ordered, “What are you doing here?”

The giant had grey, stony skin, and was both thinner and narrower than most giants Venk had seen before - though, he supposed, he’d only ever seen the other ones at a distance, so perhaps he just didn’t know how to judge.

“Please don’t hurt me!” the giant said, “The master says I have to get into those ruins over there,” his huge hand pointed in the direction of Venk’s camp, and the ruins behind it they were supposed to explore in the morning. “He sent me to bring something back for him, but then I saw your camp, and I - I promise I was trying to go around!”

“What kind of something?” Venk asked, curious in spite of himself.

“It’s, um - it’s some kind of sphere, I think. It’s very magic. He said I’d know it because it was very magic and if I wanted to be sure not to disappoint him, I could just bring everything that seems magic. I - I don’t mean to - to - it’s -”

The giant’s voice started faltering, and his shoulders shrunk inward, his enormous arms coming up around his middle as he hugged himself, wilting visibly in front of Venk’s eyes.

The goblin glanced back over his shoulder one more time, verifying that it was really just the two of them, and then sighed, lowering his spear.

As frightened as the giant seemed to be of him, there was no way he could do any real damage. Not when he knew he was knee-high to the giant at best, with a spear the giant could have perhaps held as a pencil, but not as a spear.

“Can you come down here so I can talk to you?” he asked, putting the spear down and raising his empty hands. “I promise not to stab your eyes out. Just don’t grab me again.”

“Oh!” The giant’s eyes widened, and then it was falling to its knees next to his rock, so fast that the stone underneath Venk shook a little.

Even on his knees, the giant loomed over Venk and his two-foot rock, but he seemed to realize it pretty quickly and fell backward onto his butt with another shuddering crash. Then he pulled in on himself again, as if he were trying to be as small as possible, which didn’t actually do much to put him at Venk’s height, but did make Venk feel a confused tangle of emotions.

Now that he was closer to the giant’s head, he could see a huge, nasty-looking collar around his neck, black leather studded through with small metal lightning bolt shapes. Above and below the collar radiated several overlapping sets of electrical scars, like the giant had been struck by lightning a dozen times. He winced sympathetically.

“Alright,” Venk said, trying not to squander the giant’s apparent intimidation before he figured out he could probably crush Venk between his palms in a single motion. “It seems like maybe this is a time when we ought to just make a deal. That sound good?”

“I - I don’t think I can. I have to give the master what he wants.” The giant was - shaking? He pulled even farther in on himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Venk couldn’t see the collar anymore, but he could see scars crisscrossing the giant’s shins.

“Why?” Venk asked, “What kind of master have you got, that you’re that scared?”

The giant shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t, if he found out I told his name -” he looked half-panicked, his breathing getting quicker, “I can’t!”

Venk held his hands up in front of him, trying to calm the giant down. “Whoa! Hey, no. No names. You don’t tell me your master’s name, I won’t tell you my clan’s name, everybody’s happy. I’m guessing he’s some kind of mage or demon or devil or something, if he wants his name safe?”

The giant nodded, but didn’t indicate which one.

“What’s he want the orb for, anyway?”

The giant shrugged one huge shoulder.

“See, that’s gonna be kind of a problem. My clan’s got this whole thing with the orb. We’re camped there to go find it, ‘cause we’ve got this whole underground war going with a bunch of kobolds and it’s supposed to get us a dragon on our side or something, and even if I was going to let you go around past our camp, which I’m not sure the others would be thrilled about, I get the feeling our shaman’s gonna say we’ve gotta kill you before we let you take the orb.”

Venk adjusted his stance as he was talking, ready to leap backward off the rock and away from a blow if he needed to, but instead the giant wailed.

“Whoa, hey!” Venk said, patting at the air between them as if it would help, “Hey, calm down, you’ve gotta be quiet, there’s worse around here than wasps.”

The giant was weeping, and that was - huh. That was something else, too.

“I d-don’t wanna die!” he blubbered.

Venk took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he spoke again. “Hey, buddy, it’s alright. I didn’t say we would kill you, just that I figure that’s what the shaman would say. Maybe we take the orb, we do whatever magical mumbo-jumbo gets us a dragon long enough for it to tell those kobolds to fuck off and give us our caves back, and then we let you have it. I’m just saying we gotta be clever about it, is all.”

The giant shook his head fiercely. “No, my master will know. My master will know I wasted time. I shouldn’t even have gone around I - I don’t want to kill anyone, but I have to make it back, I -” he reached up around his neck, wrapping his hand over the collar, “I have to make it back with what he wants, I - I have to please him.”

Venk felt a stab of something through his heart and sighed again, sliding carefully off the rock and landing on his less swollen foot. He was an idiot, and he was about to die for it, but at least none of the rest of the clan was around to see it. They’d probably assume he’d done something heroic when they found the pulpy mess of his body out here. Probably.

He stepped up to the giant’s side and patted his huge ankle. “Hey, it’s alright. It’s alright, I don’t want you to kill anyone, either. You gotta calm down. We can figure this out.”

We can figure this out. As if he even knew what “this” was. The giant’s sobs grew a little softer, though. Venk patted his ankle again. “There, there.”

“I shouldn’t have talked to you,” the giant said miserably, starting to pull himself together, “Master always says it’s my own fault things are so awful and upsetting, ‘cause I don’t kill people fast enough. And now I’ll be sad even if I do kill you fast enough, which I don’t even want to do.”

Venk looked up at the huge figure. This close, he could tell that the scars along the giant’s shins were burn scars, like he’d been standing in fire. The lightning scars on his chest and face weren’t really visible at this angle, but there were a couple of small but deep bruises dotting his ribs, black against the stony grey of the rest of the his skin.

“Ok, buddy,” he said, making a decision even as he spoke. “Let’s take a step back. Let’s take a step back from the orb. What’s up with you and that master? He got anything on you, or is it just that collar up there?”

The giant shook his head and said nothing.

“I won’t tell. Not a soul. Just between you and me. I just need to know what I’m dealing with here. Gotta get all the options on the table, you know? And then once we’ve looked at the table, it’s all between you and me still, alright?”

“It - it’s mostly the collar,” the giant said, voice so faint it actually came across as a whisper this time.

“Well, then we’ll get it off you, and then you don’t have to kill anybody. How’s that sound?”

The giant shook his head again, vehemently, wrapping his hands around the collar again. “No! It’s locked. It’s locked, and it’s got traps! It’ll shock me and it’ll shock you, and then he’ll know, and then -” Venk could hear the giant starting to cry again, “And then he’ll know!”

Venk breathed deeply again, trying to center himself. “Ok. Ok. That’s - good to have on the table. You’re gonna be ok, buddy.” He patted the giant’s ankle again.

As the giant continued to sniffle and snort and try to get ahold of himself, Venk breathed deeply and tried to think. How serious was he? How dumb was this? He bit his lip and kept patting the giant’s ankle, weighing the dangers to himself, the giant, and the clan.

Finally, he stepped forward and leapt up to tug at the giant’s sleeve. “Hey, buddy. One more idea, ok? One more idea. We’re gonna take another step back. I’ve got this amulet,” he lifted it out from under the collar of his armor, “And it dispells one spell a day. Only the best of our scouts have ‘em, so you’re lucky it was me that found you, but they’re made to get us out of a tricky spot. If I turn the spell off and pick the lock myself, are you gonna get hurt? Or just me?”

“But what if he finds out?” the quiet hiss was still louder than a whisper, but Venk appreciated the attempt.

“Then you tell him I did it. You tell him a tree fell on you and I came across you before you could get out from under and I thought maybe if I took off that collar I could be your master, only then it zapped me and I died and you’re still a good boy following directions, or whatever.”

“What if it does kill you?”

“Then you tell my clan to get back underground before your master gets here, and you go on forward to the ruins like you were going to anyway. I’ll write a note for them.”

The giant shook his head. “I can’t escape.”

Venk looked around and, finding no body part particularly convenient for grabbing, leapt up to tug at the giant’s sleeve again. “Give me your hand.”

The hand that came to rest on the ground beside him was too big to hold, but he wrapped his hands seriously around the giant’s thumb, trying not to think too much about babies and their hands, just now. “I promise, I can do this. And if I can’t, you weren’t gonna get away before, either. But if I can, then you can get away when you couldn’t before. That’s worth a try, right?”

The giant bit his lip, but didn’t immediately say no.

“What’s your name, friend?” Venk asked, “Mine’s Venk. I can promise you by name, if you want.”

This time, the giant’s eyes widened. “F-Falgh, Sir.”

Sir. Huh. “Falgh, I promise, if you let me try to take that collar off, I’ll be as careful as I can and I’ll give you the best shot I know how to give. Ok?”

Falgh closed his eyes, but then nodded, once, quickly.

Venk took a deep breath and nodded back. “Alright. Let’s try it. Bend forward so I can stand on the top of your back and get at that latch.”

Clambering up a living being was an odd feeling, even one that was lying on its stomach, but Falgh helped, clearly trying to flatten his back as much as he could under Venk’s feet.

The amulet flashed with a soft light and a pleasant heat, and then Venk set to work with a set of thieves tools, wishing he had more practice on things that weren’t manacles.

Then the lock clicked audibly, and both their bodies tensed immediately, but nothing happened.

“There we go,” Venk whispered, “I think I’ve got it. Let me try to open it.” The mechanism that closed the collar was more clamp than buckle, clearly designed for medium-sized hands, which sent a little half-shiver through Venk’s spine to think about. Falgh wasn’t medium-sized, either.

He held his breath as he pried open the clasp, and then - the collar fell free.

He almost fell over as Falgh let out a great, heaving sigh of relief, tension draining from his muscles. “Whoa!”

The giant froze again. “Sorry.”

Venk bent down and patted the giant’s back, beside where he was standing, “It’s ok, bud. I get it.” He wasn’t sure he did, but it seemed like the thing to say.

Falgh nodded, seriously, which also jarred Venk a little bit, and he hurried to scramble back off the giant’s back.

As he settled back onto the ground by the giant’s face, Falgh looked at him with big, soft grey eyes, and whispered, “Are you my master now? Or was that just for pretend, if it didn’t work?”

One answer to that question was clearly more interesting than the other, but he knew he could never give it, even as it crossed his mind.

He placed a small hand on Falgh’s huge cheek. “It was just for pretend, Falgh. I don’t mind if you come with me, though. I’m sure you’d be a great help in the ruins. Or you can go somewhere and hide. I’d understand that, too.”

Falgh’s eyes were dark, serious as they gazed into his own. “Are you sure you wouldn’t mind? I’m -” his eyes darted away, “I’m not convenient. Or sneaky. Or very good at things”

Venk raised an eyebrow. “Think you’d be good at carrying me back to camp? My one foot’s pretty bad. Dunno how much you feel wasp stings, but I feel ‘em kind of a lot, just now.”

Falgh’s eyes widened, darting back to Venk’s face. “Oh! Yeah, I can do that! If you want.” He bit his lip. “Will the - will the shaman still want to kill me?”

Venk smiled, patting Falgh’s cheek again. “Not if you’re with me, buddy. Not if you’re with me.”

[derivativealigner]

Well I haven’t watched sp all the way through for about a decade now, so I thought it was time

Sometimes I wonder how accurate the fandom is when it comes to how we interpret the characters. Like, why is Stan a football star so often in fanfic and why’s Kyle always the smart one? So I thought I’d rewatch the show and make notes along the way to see where the source of all these interpretations is. I also wanted to see if I could get some fun info to analyze, but season 1 is pretty sparse in that regard so there’s not too much of that in this post, but I’ll make a post for all the other seasons too as I watch them

In summary, it’s established in season 1 already that Stan’s a star quarterback and an animal lover, Kyle’s an A+ student, and Kenny is poor and knows a lot about sex and doesn’t have many qualms about doing crazy shit. Cartman is a bit weird since he’s mostly just a naive brat in this season, but he and Kyle have a mildly antagonistic friendship already

I have all my notes under this cut. They include a bunch of small details and other observations. I also listed every Kenny death just because

Ike has freckles

Cartman says “Weak!” and “You guys” and “Seriously” a lot from the start, also “Kickass!” He doesn’t say weak or kickass much in the later seasons iirc

Stan says “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here” three times in this season but they dropped that catchphrase pretty quickly

Bebe got named in episode 2

Stan’s been an animal lover since s01e03 Volcano since he won’t shoot a bunny or anything else. He does shoot Scuzzlebutt at the end though

Cartman’s a pathological liar but in a childish way

Randy got named in s01e03 Volcano (and it only got worse from there)

The mayor went to Princeton

South Park is next to Mt. Evanson

Kenny will literally drink gasoline

Stan’s a star quarterback in 3rd grade

Clyde’s voice is wrong as hell in S01E04 Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride and he has a dog, Rex

Garrison says Kyle is an A+ kid

Shelly seriously abuses Stan, punching him, throwing him, maiming him with a lawnmower

Cartman had a pot-bellied pig called Fluffy

Cartman’s mom smokes crack and has sex with strange men

Dr. Mephesto is probably a Buddhist since he says “Thank Buddha” instead of “Thank God”

Clyde’s voice gets kind of fixed in S01E06

A guy called Mr. McCormick is killed in a protest, launched and splattered against a network building. He doesn’t look like Kenny’s dad though

Zombie Clyde attacks Bebe, rude

Wendy gave her costume contest prize (2 tons of candy) to hungry children in Nairobi

Cartman’s mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine. “Back do’ ho… Five on one action!” is the headline

Cartman genuinely cries at Kenny’s grave after the whole zombie thing but gets over it because of candy

Stan knows his mom’s credit card number and has no problem using it to adopt an Ethiopian child (the boys wanted a watch that came with the adoption, they weren’t doing it to be nice)

Cartman calls Stan a vas deference, Stan doesn’t know what that is so Kenny says “Dude, it’s a pipe for your peepee” (according to a transcript). Kenny sure knows male anatomy

Kyle sniffs Kenny after Cartman asks why poor people smell like sour milk and Garrison says “idk eric they just do”

Cartman thinks poor people should die and decrease the surplus population

When the boys get Starvin’ Marvin delivered to them, Cartman says “Hey mom, we found an Ethiopian, can we keep him?” and his mom says “Sure, hun.” She rarely says no to Cartman

Kenny’s dad is an alcoholic who drinks scotch according to Cartman. I mean, Mr. McCormick is seen drinking in multiple episodes and has a hat that says SCOTCH so it’s probably true

Kenny’s family says grace

Craig’s first appearance is S01E09. Also, S01E09 is the first time Kenny doesn’t die (Coincidence? I THINK yeah but it’s still fun)

Clyde got named in S01E10

Clyde and Bebe both spit on Pip’s face, friendship goals <3

Cartman and Kyle have their first fight at Cartman’s birthday party because Kyle didn’t give the right gift. Cartman slaps his face and  screams “I hate you! I want you to die! Die!” while on top of Kyle who’s not really fighting back

Satan throws a fight with Jesus after everyone except Satan bet that Jesus would lose, which leads to Satan winning everyone’s money. Mr. Garrison says “What a mean thing to do!” and Jimbo says “He is a jerk!” and I thought it was quite a laugh so I wrote it down

In S01E11 Tom’s Rhinoplasty Bebe and Wendy are sitting in the swings together and generally appear together throughout the episode, then Bebe gives Wendy a makeover so they’re bffs obviously <3

Craig first appears in the classroom, though not sitting down, in S01E11

Wendy’s not happy about Ms. Ellen taking Stan away from her, she says “Don’t fuck with me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I’ll whoop your sorry ho ass back to last year!”

Kenny gives Ms. Ellen a scrumptious looking sausage as a valentine’s gift and giggles deviously. Wendy’s gift to Ms. Ellen is a dead animal

Even Kenny doesn’t know what a lesbian is

Wendy’s grandma died in S01E11

Wendy gets Ms. Ellen killed by hiring the Iraqi government (?) to put her in a rocket and shoot it into the sun, then she and Bebe have a pool party (very cool, they wear sunglasses 😎) and watch the rocket hit the sun

Cartman and Pip play a game of kicking each other in the nuts until someone falls. Cartman calls it “Roshambo”

Kenny has a sack of marbles

The boys aren’t fans of Barbra Streisand, but Stan is a fan of the Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway (he’s not a quarterback anymore, he’s an American football executive and the president of football operations for the Denver Broncos of the NFL according to wikipedia.)

Officer Barbrady is a fan of Fiona Apple (who was 20 at the time and had only one album released called Tidal)

Ned knows how to pilot a helicopter

Kyle’s mom is a fan of Streisand unlike literally everyone else, she even gets an autograph from Mecha Streisand

The boys are fans of Robert Smith, the lead singer of The Cure. Stan says “Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!” and Kyle says “Disintegration is the best album ever!” and Cartman says “Robert Smith kicks ass!” and Kenny’s dead so he doesn’t get to have an opinion

Cartman has tea parties with his toys: Polly Prissypants, Clyde frog, Peter Panda, and a dragon called Rumpertumskin

Kyle wants to make fun of Cartman for the tea party but Stan stops him because he’s concerned that Cartman needs help

Craig is in front of the school counselor’s office in S01E13

A young miss Cartman drinks like a motherfucker at the 12th annual drunken barn dance where Cartman was supposedly conceived

Stan lets Cartman borrow his bike like a good friend

Garrison wanted to have a threesome with Chef and Cartman’s mom. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this but uh… yeah.

Cartman’s mom has had sex with everyone at this bar that Garrison’s drinking at, including principle Victoria, the mayor, Father Maxi, and Jesus (and maybe Kenny’s dad since he’s at the bar but the camera doesn’t pan to him when Garrison says they’ve all slept with Liane). Later Gerald Broflovski is a possible father to Eric, so he fucked her too. Also Mr. Mephesto and his friend Kevin, that little guy, are candidates along with a lot of other people, including the 1989 Denver Broncos (and Mr. Tenorman is included in that later)

Cartman doesn’t make fun of Kyle for being Jewish much at all in this season even though the Christmas episode is all about Kyle not celebrating

Clyde and Token appear very early on and Clyde has always been in the classroom (along with Bebe, Red, Kevin Stoley, Wendy, and Pip and uhh DogPoo too I think). Craig appears later in the season and Tweek’s not in season 1 at all, so Craig’s gang isn’t really a thing yet

And here’s a list of the ways Kenny died in this season. He dies in every episode except episode 9, and he dies twice in episodes 2 and 3. Altogether he dies 14 times

S01E01 Killed after alien shoots him, cows stampede over him, then cop runs him over which finally actually kills him

S01E02 Killed in a play by a falling teepee, then a second time shot by Garrison which sends him in the air and he gets impaled on a flagpole on the way down

S01E03 Killed by a volcano rock that burns him then rolls on him but he’s alive again in the end but gets shot by Ned’s gun that he drops and it accidentally goes off

S01E04 Gets his arms and head torn off in an American football game

S01E05 Stan’s clone punches Kenny into a microwave where he gets cooked alive

S01E06 Death touches Kenny

S01E07 Kenny gets crushed by a Russian space station and turns into a zombie because he gets Worcestershire sauce in his veins, then Kyle chainsaws zombie Kenny in half, then zombie Kenny rises from his grave and is crushed by a statue and a plane

S01E08 Kenny is killed by a bunch of turkeys. His eye gets plucked out. It’s dark blue

S01E10 After Kenny gets turned into a duck-billed platypus, Jimbo and Ned shoot him

S01E11 Ms. Ellen throws a sword through Kenny’s face

S01E12 While Mecha Streisand and a giant robot Leonard Maltin fight, Kenny plays with a tetherball and gets the rope wrapped around his neck and it strangles him

S01E13 Kenny gets stuck on a go kart and it drags him around but stops and he’s still alive! Too bad the go kart stops on train tracks and a train runs him over. Stan’s grandpa sends a video of the event to America’s Stupidest Home Videos and wins $10,000

If you read all that, first of all hello. I’m not new to the fandom even though this is the first thing I’ve posted on this tumblr blog. I’ve been writing a fanfic called Caffetamine though so I’m not a complete non-entity. Anyway, I’ll watch season 2 soon and post my notes on that too probably.

[hchollym]

Aerion x Viserys - We Finally Got Our Dragons

I couldn’t help myself. I will go down with this crack ship  🤣

Warnings: Afterlife, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Age Difference

Read it on AO3. 

____________

Most people think that a person finds peace after they die. Aerion would tell you differently.

The Targaryens have their own “exclusive” afterlife, stuck for eternity with only one another for company. While he's glad that they all appear as they were right before they died and not as they died (for then he would have a hole in his throat and be unable to talk), it still does not change the fact that he’s stuck with these shits forever. Most of his relatives find enjoyment (or at least contentment) here (seeing as half of them are married to each other), but for others – like Aerion – this place is a special kind of hell.

He died drinking wildfire. It certainly wasn’t his finest moment, nor was it something that he wants to remember, given the resulting pain. And yet, his family will never let him forget it. They torment him about it daily, as if he hadn’t already suffered enough.

“Oh look, it’s the Prince Who Thought He Was A Dragon,” they sneer at him whenever he walks by. It’s not as if he’s the first Targaryen to think of himself as a dragon and die because of it. What about all the other fools who got themselves killed trying to hatch a dragon egg? Why aren’t they mocked as he is?

Even his own father sighs disapprovingly when he sees him, as if Aerion brought him embarrassment. It makes Aerion scoff. His older brother was literally known as “Daeron the Drunken” and yet Aerion is somehow the stain on their family name? It’s absolutely ridiculous. His brothers ignore him (he hears their comments about Aerion the Monstrous, and really, when are they going to get over it?).

His own son, Maegor – who joined them when he got into a fight with the wrong person at a tavern – won’t talk to Aerion, because he blames Aerion’s “madness” as the reason he never got the throne. How ungrateful can you be? Maegor wouldn’t even be alive without Aerion.

His bitch of a wife isn’t much better. She refuses to allow him into her bed, and her brother and father are more than happy to guard her chamber door. To be honest, it’s not a huge loss though; she was annoying anyway, always crying and whimpering and screaming while he was trying to enjoy himself. Still, it’s the audacity that angers him.

You would think that the ancestors would grow tired of insulting him after so many years, but it appears that there is not nearly enough exciting news to go around here, so the taunts and insults go on year after year. Even the “Mad King” doesn’t get scorned as much, because people seem to either fear him or feel pity for his insanity.

Aerion tries to ignore most of the ridicule by keeping to himself, which is thankfully easy to do in this endless hallway with infinite corridors and chambers, but that doesn’t completely stop the talk from reaching his ears. He’d been humiliated, angry, and defensive for the first decade or so of these disrespectful comments, but after more than 60 years, he’s just sick and tired of it.

So when the others stop talking about him and begin insulting another, one they mockingly call "the last dragon" and "the beggar king,” Aerion is initially relieved, and then intrigued. He questions his father, who will at least answer him (albeit grudgingly). When he hears the tale of this Viserys, he feels an instant kinship that takes him by surprise.

He’s never felt like he could relate to someone else before, but the fact is, Viserys thought himself a dragon and he too died for it in an excruciating way. The other man was treated like shit in life and now again in death by his own family (Aerion knows the feeling), and his own sister had him killed in a cruel twist of irony.

Aerion’s glad that the attention on him has finally stopped, but he finds himself unexpectedly feeling sympathy for Viserys – an emotion so foreign to him that it took him a while to identify what it was. Perhaps it's because they share similar deaths (though by vastly different means), or that Aerion knows what it's like to be humiliated by the hypocritical ancestors, or because he knows what it’s like for your own family to turn on you.

He hears that Viserys' mother won't even give him sympathy because of how he treated his sister, but so what? The bitch killed him. Why are mothers always so quick to defend the weak? Aerion’s own mother is still angry at him for his treatment of Aegon, but he doesn’t think he has anything to apologize for. Why should he be “nice” to pathetic people? Daenerys should have been grateful that Viserys raised her after they fled King's Landing. Aerion would have sold her immediately to the highest buyer and bought himself a nice house until he raised his army to take back the throne.

He hears through the gossip that Viserys locks himself inside his chambers to avoid the others, which Aerion also understands. He's not entirely sure why he decides to go see him, but perhaps it's because he’s sick of being judged and looked down on, and Viserys seems like the one person who won’t do that.

He makes his way to Viserys’ chambers, holding his head high and ignoring the looks he gets along the way, only to find that the others have painted slurs on the door, and Aerion feels disgust at their tackiness. How old are they? Five? He opens the doors without knocking and sees a man sitting on the bed, his elbows rested on his knees and his head in his hands. When the figure looks up, his expression one of annoyance, anger, and pure exhaustion (a combination which Aerion knows well), and Aerion is struck by just how young he is.

For some reason, he pictured Viserys as close to his age, but he couldn't have been more than 25, though Aerion guesses it’s actually closer to 20. He's practically still a boy, and Aerion feels a hot wave of rage rush through him. This is who they are tormenting for making mistakes when he was exiled in Essos (by no fault of his own), trying to care for an ungrateful sister who eventually murdered him? Honestly, and they thought he was monstrous!

"I'm Aerion Brightflame," he starts before Viserys can get upset at his intrusion. He refuses to give up using that name; the ancestors can go fuck themselves. Viserys' expression clears, and he blinks in confusion before frowning warily.

"What do you want?" He asks suspiciously, and Aerion shrugs nonchalantly.

"I know how these shits can be when they decide to harass someone. Fuck them. You don’t need any of these bumbling fools. You and I, we're still dragons," he assures Viserys, not entirely understanding why he feels compelled to do so, but Aerion knows that he still is a dragon, regardless of how everything ended, and he’s willing to say that Viserys is as well out of solidarity for the mutual enemies/family. Viserys looks shocked before scowling.

"Clearly not, seeing as melted gold killed me, and fire cannot kill a dragon," he points out bitterly, not even mentioning Aerion's own failures, for which Aerion feels unexpectedly grateful for. He sits down next to Viserys, and he finds it hilarious how the other man looks alarmed and ready to flee.

"And how many others have been killed by fire when trying and failing to hatch dragon eggs? We're still Targaryens. We’re still dragons, no matter what those stupid sea cows have to say.” Viserys' expression changes from one of shock to hesitant gratitude. It's a look that Aerion is not used to having directed at him; fear, anger, and even lust are common emotions he’s used to seeing when people look at him, but never gratitude. It makes his stomach churn oddly.

After that, they form a strange bond of companionship. They spend most of their time in one of their chambers (it’s easier to avoid the others that way), but occasionally they venture out to the other rooms with alcohol or food. They don't need either, but it provides them with a distraction to the never-ending boredom. They even throw knives sometimes, though Aerion had to teach Viserys because he never learned.

Their conversations start by talking about all the people they hate and are angry at (of which there are many). Then it changes to their time in Essos (the good, the bad, and the ugly). And finally, they talk of their own failures; the feel of the gold burning through Viserys' skin and hair; the way the wildfire scorched Aerion’s throat and blinded him in pain. They talk of how humiliating it was (and still is), and of their disappointment in the way their lives turned out.

It's odd, because Aerion has never felt the urge to share his thoughts with anyone - no one was ever good enough or would truly understand (until now) - but he finds that it's actually rather nice. He quickly decides that he hates Viserys’ brother Rhaegar – he started this whole mess and yet he still looks at Viserys with disappointment, and it makes Aerion want to burn him. And Viserys quickly decides that Maegor is being selfish by hating his own father. Aerion’s found an unexpected ally in Viserys, and it’s the first time he’s felt anything other than miserable since his death.

...

Maybe it happens because of their surprisingly easy companionship, or maybe it’s because they are so isolated from everyone else (no one else seems capable of getting along with them), or maybe it's even simply because it's been years since Aerion slept with someone. Regardless of the reasons, they somehow end up in bed together. Aerion doesn’t know exactly how it happened, but he’s not complaining.

Viserys accepted being the bottom quickly enough, and Aerion found out later that it's because it wasn’t his first time; he’d been forced to sell his body in order to survive at his lowest points in exile, and Aerion’s never felt protective of anyone before, but he feels it now for Viserys. He also feels irrationally jealous that someone else dared to touch what is his, and yes, he has come to think of Viserys as his.

Viserys is wonderfully responsive, biting his shoulder, scratching his back until he bleeds, moaning and cursing loudly, urging him to go faster and harder. It makes Aerion’s blood sing, his thoughts fuzzy, and the heat envelop him all over until he’s nearly drowning in it.

But it's Viserys’ eyes that really send Aerion over the edge. The pale, lilac orbs dilate in lust, but there's also anger, determination, and hurt in them. Viserys has a vulnerability in his eyes that Aerion would have thought had been destroyed years ago, but somehow it remains, and it's both intoxicating and addicting to see.

When Aerion finally decides to try bottoming (because why the hell not? they're dead, and he’s bored and ready to do something new), he finishes embarrassingly quick. It's better than he ever imagined; fire seems to completely consume him, so hot and bright that Aerion feels like he might pass out. Viserys' cock rubs against a place inside of him that causes sparks to shoot throughout his entire body, and all he can do is pant and gasp as he clings to Viserys for dear life, thinking that if he weren't already dead, then this would definitely kill him because it's too much, but he wants it more than anything.

Viserys never mentions his premature response, and they don’t talk about the fact that Aerion starts to roll them over more and more so he can wrap his legs around Viserys' waist, urging the other man to fuck him. He's relieved by Viserys' lack of acknowledgement, because even in death, he still has his pride, and it's embarrassing how much he loves to fall apart underneath the younger man.

And when Viserys guides Aerion to ride him like a stallion for the first time, Aerion screams himself hoarse, and it suddenly reminds him too much of the wildfire burning his throat, and he starts to panic, so Viserys holds him until he calms, but they don't talk about that either.

...

When Daenerys does finally show up, Aerion becomes insanely angry. She's cold and distant, though she does try to talk to Viserys, and Aerion wants to kill her. How dare she?! He refuses to let her see Viserys until the younger man finally tells him to leave them so they can speak.

Aerion feels something hot and ugly churn in his stomach at that, and he waits by the door until Daenerys leaves, looking only barely fazed. He instantly goes inside to see Viserys' eyes shining with angry tears. He still hasn't gotten good at hiding his emotions yet, and truthfully, Aerion kind of hopes that he never does.

"She hatched the dragons. The fire didn't kill her," Viserys says angrily, but there's also jealously and pure despair there, and Aerion doesn't like it. He pulls Viserys into his arms and kisses him soundly until Viserys pulls back and leans his head on Aerion's chest, sighing heavily.

"Why her?" He asks, though the unspoken why not me? is obvious.

"Because the gods are cruel," he answers honestly, because she didn’t deserve it more than either of them.

"But it doesn't change things. She's here now, just like us, with no dragons. Fuck her, and fuck all of them. We are still dragons," Aerion continues vehemently. He feels Viserys swallow and nod, as if trying to convince himself.

"We are dragons," Viserys says shakily before gaining confidence.

"We are dragons. And while she's here alone, I have you now; my own dragon," he finishes stubbornly, and Aerion feels a rush of something that he chooses not to examine further at those words. He tightens his grip on Viserys and kisses the top of his head.

"And I have you. Looks like we both finally got our dragons."