#anyway. do with this what you want. am i doing poetry? is this a vent? am i psychoanalysing myself? decide for yourself

[deltastorm101]

i keep thinking a lot about a specific uquiz i did a while ago, asking something about the lines of 'from which emotion do you create' and i feel like this quiz was the most accurate i ever took because my result was reverence. and like. yeah of course all of these quizzes are for entertainment and for people to have fun with them and go oH tHat'S sO mE but. sue me, that one was correct. reverence does greatly spill into all areas of my life, not just creation and creativity. this will sound cringe but every time my job gets frustrating or stressful i remind myself that i do it for the people and that's why it's important. i try to consciously admire people and see the good in them and in everything around me. almost everything i do comes from a place of deep adoration and awe because that's how i want to see the world and yeah... calling it reverence rings true

[piss-stained-jorts]

RIGHT

-claps hands-

some of you are new to this despair. it ain't fun. as someone who is no stranger to hopelessness, despair, fatalism, misanthropy, and an undying bitterness, I'll give it a go trying to offer some semblance of help. my soul has been a strange kind of melancholy for over 15 years. I experience a few seconds of true happiness once every few months. and yet, here I stand. I think it'd be better if the whole world burned, but I ain't holding a match. point is, it's entirely possible to keep going, even in this state.

even in saying this, I have my doubts it'll do anything positive at all. I'm doing it anyway. I do it with the same defeatism I experience when I go to vote in a deep South red state. a single drop of blue dye in a sea of red blood. I know, objectively, that nothing will come of my actions. I do it anyway. for selfish reasons, I do it anyway.

I'm not here to help you out of it. I'm gonna offer some advice on living on inside it. I don't know how to get out of it yet, either. I'm working on that. again, maybe it helps, maybe it does nothing. here we go.

I recommend booking a therapy appointment. this is my biggest, most helpful advice TBH. I didn't go for a long time. didn't think i could afford it. turns out, there's secret little things in the world to help you afford it. me, I went to healthcare.gov, found some cheap ass insurance, and now I'm in therapy for severe mental health issues. I'm getting a second therapist, too. there's some deeeeep rooted shit in me. there's very likely deep rooted shit in you, too, and it's a great time to find someone who can help dig it out. ain't a cure all, and you'll have to see it as a conversation instead of someone coming and fixing you. they aren't a knight in shining armor with all the answers, but two heads are better than one.

I also recommend poetry. not just reading it, but writing it. the angrier and sadder the better. every raw, honest feeling. do not judge whatever comes out. don't worry about structure. don't worry about making it readable. make vent art, too.

I recommend familiar, comforting foods. things that remind you of those pockets in time when you were warm and safe. old foods, old games, old imaginary friends. yes, the imaginary friend thing extends to grown ups. a positive voice that is only ever kind and loving to you, no matter what. it's your own voice echoed back, after all.

I recommend caring about people. it helps to keep you in this world if you have someone else in it you love so, so fucking much.

I recommend bitching. bitch about your feelings and the world and the state of things with someone who also wants to bitch.

I recommend sad, angry, bitter, hopeless songs, under the caveat that it won't make you want to kill yourself. if listening to sad music makes you wanna die more, do not do this. me, I find songs about dying and being miserable comforting because I feel seen and understood in a way I feel I have been failed. maybe that's not how your brain works, though. just be safe and don't die.

under no circumstances kill yourself. you don't want to die. your brain is coping and trying to take back a sense of control when you feel powerless, and that's the solution it can think of because it's straightforward. do not do this.

if a sense of hope does come, don't push it away. if it leaves quickly, breathe and enjoy the few seconds you have with it. don't berate yourself if you don't feel the way you "should." there is no should or should not with emotions or the lack of them.

I recommend finding something to do, or something to put off. me, I keep saying I'll write a book, make a game, do all sorts of things. maybe I will, maybe I won't. it's something to do or say I'll do in the future. a sense of purpose. even if I never do it, it's still there.

learn to see the worth in both the retching pain and the numbness. when I am overcome with despair and anguish, I find the worth in that I'm still able to care that much, that I have a consistent muse for my work, and that crying is cathartic. when I'm numb, I find worth in the cool, calm gray color that mutes my existence, and the lack of pain makes the boredom a welcome respite. it still blows, and I'd trade it for joy and hope any day of the week, but the joy machine doesn't work anymore. working on that one.

listen. listen. I don't know what the fuck the future holds. pithy statements of hope don't help me, so I won't give them to you. be there for your friends, be there for yourself, give space to your feelings. I know. I know these new feelings are scary. you've never felt them like this before. you're new to this, I know you are. I promise you, you can keep living. I promise you, it's possible to find little joys, even here in the nightmare. I know the feeling of drowning in the ocean with hardly a sail to keep you is scary. I know from lived experience that it's possible for it to become bearable. I still believe, though I'm not there yet, that it's possible to leave this dark forest. I am bitter and resentful and I feel cheated and I don't think feeling any of this makes anyone a bad person.

it hurts so much, I know. I know it hurts. I know words can't make it all better. this world we live in is not what it should be. you are so cherished.

[fieldofdahlias]

i've been putting off an introduction post for so long, i don't even know why. anyways, enjoy! ♡

🪞about me: i'm dahlia (she/her) , i'm 24 & i'm a capricorn sun. slytherin & cabin 13. i'm from saturn. my favorite flowers are dahlias (specifically black dahlias). i'm spiritual but most of the time i just say im agnostic. i'm majoring in astrophysics. i'm currently writing a romantasy book. for the most part i'm an introvert but i don't mind going out every so often. intp.

🤎 my interests: astronomy (i love it so much i'm hoping to make it my career), gardening, wolves, coffee, winter, sunsets, reading, writing, poetry, romance, fantasy, horror, music, anime, films, art, digital art, museums, history, literature, conspiracy theories, hellenism, photography (cameras i own; canon powershot elph 520 hs & canon powershot sx530 hs. dream cameras; fujifilm xt30 II & fujifilm x100v), working out (i've become a gym rat), pilates

🦢 languages: i speak english and spanish fluently. i want to learn russian, latin, arabic, italian & portuguese. currently learning french.

🧸 aesthetics: cottagecore, academiacore, gothic, witchcore, gore, dark (for some reason that's all i can think of right now lol)

🖋️ what's on your blog? honestly? mostly poetry & random posts about how i'm feeling. every so often i'll repost or post aesthetic pictures i like. i started this blog because i needed an outlet for what i was feeling and sometimes journaling doesn't feel like enough.

☕️ asks: ask/tell me anything! i'm open to chat & listen if you just need to vent. i don't know you so who am i to judge you?

📸 disclaimers: minors, please do not interact! i may repost nsfw content. i will not stand for homophobia, transphobia, hate of anyones beliefs, religion or lack thereof, bullying of any kind is not tolerated.

that's all, i believe, i hope you enjoy my blog ♡

[studdyybudddyyy]

🫧 introduction 🫧

Hi!

Get to know me a little below <3

Name: Elif (random screenname I picked, similar enough to my actual name)

Pronouns: She/Elle

Age: Adult under 21

Languages: English (Standard, AAVE), French (Standard/Parisian)

Ethnicity/Religion/Etc: Black American (Northern Californian), Jewish (Ashki, Belarussian), Autistic, Bi

^I don't post about any of that here, but representation is important

Current Interests (I mostly post what's listed here):

Full-Stack Development, Linux, Python, C++, Cybersecurity, French & Russian (language study), Russian literature, Reading (generally), Poetry, Penmanship, Writing (Poetry), Fashion, Music (classical, instrumental, violin), and Shopping

Inactive Interests:

AC (New Horizons), The Sims 4, Hollow Knight, World of Warcraft, English literature, Cooking, Knitting, Sewing, and Violin (playing)

Tech/Apps/Sites I use & study with:

MacBook Air (Linux Mint 21.3 Cinnamon) and an iPad (iPadOS 16.2 + Apple Pen) .

GoodNotes, LibreOffice, Libby, Pinterest, and GoodReads.

Codecademy, FreeCodeCamp, LearnPython, Cybrary, LeetCode, Github, and KeyHero.

For my non-tech studies I mostly just read books.

DNI / Preferred boundaries

Not Welcome Here:

TERFs, SWERFs, RadFems, EDblr (Any/All), Discourse blogs, Anti-Voting, Anti-Union, AI fanatics/Cryptocurrency users, Cops, Zionists, Antisemites, Incels/Femcels, Eugenicists of any kind.

DO NOT ASSUME I'M A FAN OF [Shitty People] NOT LISTED

Welcome here:

Pretty much everyone else

Boundaries for Interaction:

You're welcome to interact however you'd like!

Everything posted here is open for commentary/discussion and you're also welcome to speak with me directly through asks/dm about whatever as long as it's related to this blog and/or something posted on it. This is an entirely SFW space and minors are welcome to interact, however, please remember that we & everyone else here are strangers and do not share personal information with me or others interacting on my page.

If you're an NSFW blog please switch to a SFW account/blog to interact at all. If you interact using your NSFW account/blog I will assume you're doing so intentionally or a bot and you'll be blocked.

Accessibility:

🫧 I do not post any flashing videos or images.

🫧 I do not post any NSFW content.

🫧 I do not post vent posts, post/reblog about other's personal traumas, or post/reblog about The News (unless said news directly relates to one of the things in my current interests list).

🫧 I do not repost any kind of chainmail, positive or negative.

🫧 I do not share or make any content related to generally triggering subjects, if you have specific and/or uncommon trigger(s) but still want to follow/interact with my blog please let me know and I'll tell you whether or not my blog is a safe space for you.

🫧 I do not pathologize/ridicule/joke about OCD, NPD, BPD, ASPD, Bipolar 1/2, Psychosis (with any root cause), or any other mental health conditions; If I've posted/reblogged something that does so please alert me.

🫐 I do use tone tags (If I miss one please let me know) when discussing thoughts/feelings/comments.

🫐 If I for some reason post/reblog something that is commonly triggering or discusses something you as a follower/mutual have let me know triggers you it will be tagged to the best of my ability.

🫐 I do add alt-text to all of the photos I post.

🫐 I do my best to avoid posting/reblogging screenreader unfriendly posts but If something I posted messed with your screenreader anyway please tell me so I can do my best to remedy it.

🫐 I do respect & honor everyones pronouns, gender identity, and sexual/romantic orientation regardless of whether I personally understand it.

🫐 I do respond to all asks/messages but I'm busy so it may take time.

I am trying my best <3

If you have any accessibility requests for this blog or even this post specifically, please let me know and I will genuinely consider updating to include it if I can.

[hazbinhappy]

Hey there! It's always fun to see people engaging in creative and fun things in their spare time. Enjoy your spring break! <3 I would like to request a match-up, if that is alright. I identify as she/her and am heterosexual. My personality type is ISFP, and I love performing arts! I have done both backstage and on-stage work as a theater girly, performing in musicals, more specifically, is my specialty. I love the thrill of being on stage, knowing I am bringing joy to people just by being entertaining. Singing, acting, and dancing are my bread and butter. I also like writing poetry and my own music. I play multiple instruments and like experimenting with new ones,DJ boards are fun too, and I recently got into that technology. I love classic literature. I am also the kind of person to dress up, even for video conferences, lol. If I had a demon form, it would probably be very pale, shoulder-length dark wavy hair, kinda big head with eyes that resemble cds if you actually look for too long, and generally is kinda on the short side in comparison to others, long black nails that she keeps in stiletto style, likes to wear purple and blue dress clothes a lot, and possibly have bunny ears too that she tucks into her hair since they are floppy. I just came up with that off the top of my head for giggles since why not. I can't really think of anything else to throw out there, take care, and have a fantastic evening/morning/afternoon/night! <3

Your Matchup is....

Vox!

Hear me out hear me out hear me out! I paired you two up because of the ability to be personable! Lemme me elaborate:

I won't lie: I have no clue how anyone would meet Vox! It can go so many ways! But I think you being someone who just makes music videos on social media (think of tiktok) for fun and you were gaining a lot of traction! Maybe you also were working for someone to run their social media PR

I'm not too sure but I am one hundred percent settled on it being you having gained his attention through social media

now that seems like Velvette's area, right? Yes, but I think Vox has a say in that department as well because come on? He has to at least have some voice in the PR of VoxTech

Anyways: let's say that Velvette suggested you as someone to join the PR team for the V's because their last one got themselves murked in the most recent extermination

Vox didn't care really until you showed up to get a video approved (that you happily voiced and created)

he didn't want to seem too interested but he liked that you had the personality that drew people in and kept them smiling and entertained

so of course he exploited that... at least in the beginning.

he kept you WORKING until you complained and said something which was a little dispute but y'all worked out a schedule

this was the slowest of burns because the man will not admit his feelings for the love of god

most likely you having to come and call him out on his behavior because the constant stalking and assignments just to see you was getting annoying

once y'all are together it's of course not all sunshine

he is constantly bitching about Valentino or Alastor or even his consumers and employees (just a whiner honestly) but you offer occasionally advice or just listen so he has a place to vent

he is of course going to make sure you have everything up to date! and you'll probably be the safest because he knows where you are

you probably avoid trying to use his money, but wow there is suddenly a VoxTech theatre??? That is so crazy and oh my gosh what is that?? You're in charge of it all and get to manage it and do whatever!!

it may sound like a weird match, but please see the vision, I see it.

"Hello, my dear-"

"Vox, you know I absolutely love your technology, obviously, but..." You frowned as you stood on the ladder fiddling with one of the many cameras in the theatre hall.

"But what?" He frowned as he watched you through the camera, "The cameras help with people being disruptive or just in general being a bad audience-"

"Yeah, but they glow. They ruin the ambiance."

"So?"

"Soooo they ruin the fact that the theatre is supposed to be completely dark so you can watch the show."

"... I suppose I could find a new solution."

"You better or I'm finding a way to take these all out myself."

[apollosgiftofprophecy]

From Dusk to Dawn, Light at the End of the Tunnel, Apollo and Aphrodite bonding, and (I can't remember if this was already answered) A Titan's Demise 👀

From Dusk to Dawn

This particular fic takes place during The Titan's Curse!!! Basically, Apollo sneaking around and helping the questers save Artemis behind Zeus's back.

Apollo shenanigans galore lmao

There's Always Light At the End of the Tunnel

okay, I can't/won't say mcuh about this because 👀 i have plans but...i will say it's Apollo dropping by the Hunt post-ToA

....you know what i think i'll also do something with him dropping by the Hunt pre-PJO for poetry's sake :)

Apollo n Aphrodite bond over "not changing much" in the Greek-Roman thing

okay okay, here's the thing.

Aphrodite herself says that she didn't really change all that much when Rome surprise adopted Greece. She casually flicks between Aphrodite and Venus without much trouble because "love is universal" (like chocolate).

And in this fandom, we all will go down with the "Apollo isn't affected by the schism" theory so...bonding! :D

howmever. there is that Reyna business between Venus and Apollo. I don't know what the common consensus is on how Venus basically humiliated Apollo in front of the entire council is, but here's my two cents: She shouldn't have done that. No matter what it was about Reyna's love life that made her sad (probably that she wouldn't find romantic love but who needs that when u have platonic love eh?), she had no right to tear into Apollo like that. Especially in front of the entire Council. Who proceeded to laugh at him.

😳

Apollo may have a reputation with his relationships, but he didn't even say - or think - he was interested in Reyna. He just asked who she was and remarked she was pretty. It was in the same fashion as Hazel describing Percy as a god - sure, in Tyrant's Tomb Apollo clearly offers to be Reyna's boyfriend if she was interested but took it rather well when she laughed it off.

So yeah. whew. there's my two cents on that. don't shoot if i said something controversial. constructive criticism only please.

Anyway, going back to Aphrodite V Venus. I think the one major difference between them is that Venus may be a little more hardcore - remember, the Greek gods were taken and made more "disciplined" and "warlike". So I think Venus, while she isn't all that different from her Greek counterpart, has that little extra spice to her, a little more vindictiveness (which also adds into the topic above)

their relationship is fascinating to me and i wanna put them under a microscope. I imagine they were good friends because people often stereotype them as "dumb" and "mediocre" (probably because of the whole hot person=stupid person stereotype. and the domains they have [i.e. love, beauty, music, poetry, ooo so scary said some very dumb people who likely met their end either by a tiger they somehow found attractive or a deadly, plague-infested arrow]) and that's something they would vent about to each other. Also, shopping trips. Because I say so. Aphrodite says Apollo's the only other Olympian with any sense of style (Dionysus, she also says, also has style, but that leopard print...it's just too much sometimes. RIP)

oh yeah. and this fic immediately proceeds one other fic - but I'm not telling <3

let's just say that Venus ma~y have had an impact on the next person Apollo dated 👀

A Titan's Demise

i am caps, you are italics.

WHO WANT'S MORE APOLLO & HELIOS? ME!

WHO WANT'S ANCIENT ROME? ME!

WHO WANTS ANGST? ME-wait.

hahaha...this is all about how Apollo & Helios's relationship went sour during the Roman Empire, Helios just...disappearing one day, and Apollo inherited the domain and powers of the Sun.

Enjoy their fluff while you can.

Because I plan to go pain pain pain with this one :)

[evisceratedplague]

get to know me 🩶

Hi, Im *Eleanor*

Since I use tumblr as a diary/vent account i may as well tell you about the good stuff too since my blog is 2 years old now!

So my actual name isn’t eleanor i can’t use my actual name since it’s not a common name which sucks because i love my name

I am 26 years old and i live in south east of USA

i have a child whom i love but i will not share details about them out of respect to their future self

i like to play a large variety of video games

i love to read and i love to write (poetry and occasional fanfic that never gets posted)

i’ve been trying to learn korean for a few years, key word trying

i love learning about other cultures and also their religions/spirituality i’m pagan but in a polytheistic kind of way, i love learning and sometimes along the way i find stuff that just resonates with me and i adopt into my practices (unless its a closed practice, im not going to do things that don’t pertain to me

i have a partner i have been with for around 8 1/2 years he’s a big nerd and works at a university nearby, he’s around 7 years older than me i think

i have very poor memory sometimes, but i can remember the most mundane of details no problem

i’m 100% a cat person, i think dogs are cute but i can’t handle the sound of barking

i have a developmental disability and string of mental issues that i don’t want or need to list

i’m a lover of fashion and different subcultures including variations of goth, lolita, decora, creepy cute and so forth

i care very deeply about many things and unfortunately that causes a lot of heartache for me but i can’t help it i can’t NOT care, y’know?

anyways this ended up longer than i meant and l’ve run out of things to say about myself and have no idea what tags i should put this under to keep my account within the safety of my communities but thanks for reading this far if you did ❤️‍🩹

[therelentless]

Hi again Nandor,

I saw the letter in your back pocket before you left yesterday evening. I guess I never really specified that I live with you all- it was probably obvious, but just in case, the calls are coming from inside the house! (That’s from a movie. :) ) (<— And that’s a smiley face.)

I’m aware that admitting to that limits the amount of people that this could be, but until you figure it out (which I’m sure you inevitably will) it feels more comfortable to write under the guise of anonymity, mostly because I know that these feelings aren’t going to be reciprocated. But I don’t know you! you’re saying, How can I presume to know. I don’t know a lot of things, I haven’t had the opportunity to to live a life as vast and broad as your own, but I do know I’m not your type.

I don’t write these to torture you, I’ll even stop if you want me to, but I hope on some level it feels nice to know someone thinks you’re drop-dead gorgeous (pun sort of intended) and such a romantic. I don’t know how many of the others can see that, but when I look at you I see a man who would throw his entire life down for someone else, defend a kingdom, the kind of love men wrote epic poetry about. But kings never wrote those poems for paupers.

Since this may very well be my last letter, since I never want to hurt you, let me say again and ultimately; I feel as if I shall always be in love with you. I wish I could be a person you’d feel the same way about, someone as brave as you, as dedicated as you. And god, do you make me laugh. Have I said enough that I think you’re handsome as well? I’d let you have everything and all of me because I know you’d handle it delicately. You’re the kind of man a man like me doesn’t mind being obsessed over, because it may be the closest I ever get, even if it’s only in my late night imagination.

I’m sure you’ll find a way to let me know if you want me to stop or continue. I hope knowing how loved you are inspires you. You deserve it, you deserve to be someone’s king- I’ll be content to watch you with the paupers.

دوستت دارم لطفا دوستم داشته باش

Y.S.A.

{ ??? ;;

"The call is coming from inside the house?" Confused, his attention went from the letter to the phone and then back to the letter he was still holding in his hands. "What call?" He asked himself, but that didn't matter as much as the rest of the contents of the letter.

So the one who wrote these letters was a man who lived in the house. Well, he was sure that this wasn't Laszo, especially because he couldn't imagine him writing such a long letter to him. Part of him wanted to keep guessing and discard the possibilities of who this man was, but the other liked a bit too much the mystery of all this to bother himself with a final answer just yet. The secret admirer, the anonymous letters, wondering and getting excited upon the thought of getting a new letter? this seemed like of one those romantic movies that he liked to watch, so instead of keeping this letter to himself as he had done with the first one, he decided to write one himself.

Mr. Y.S.A.

I wish I had replied to your letter the moment I found it, but if you're here in this house... somewhere, maybe inside the walls or the vents, then you know how my housemates can be a little bit annoying, rarely leaving me alone to deal with my own thoughts... which at times I'm thankful for. Anyway!!! I have decided that if you're going to keep writing letters, then I'm gonna write some of my own. It's fun. Exciting too. : ) That's another happy face to match yours.

I can't really say much about you, since I am still not sure who are, but maybe I have my suspicions. Eventually, I'll do some more digging at some point. I do have a question, are you alive? or are you one of those spirits that my housemate Nadja likes to summon for some random shit? I don't know if I'm down for ghost stuff, but it's not off my list entirely. I'll give it a try if that's the case.

I must admit, that I was not expecting a second letter, but now that I have received it, hopefully, you're reading this, then I expect a third one. It's only fair. Yes, it's nice to know that someone out there at least has some sort of feelings for me since lately, I have considered myself quite unloveable, but even if this wasn't about love, it feels good to know that at least you find me "drop-dead gorgeous", it's nice to hear it from someone else besides myself (<- that was a joke). I'm sure you have some quite delicious and attractive attributes of your own.

Thanks for sharing these thoughts with me, between you and I? they make me happy... and not a lot of things have been making me happy lately. But don't tell this to anyone. I only wish these things that you think of me are not things that you end up changing your mind about later. It seems that I tend to disappoint people quite easily. I'm either too much or not enough. It's tiring.

Whatever. I'm talking too much. I don't know what I'm telling you ll these things. Forget I said that last bit.

Where you found this letter, I'll leave the next one. Oh! or even better! maybe we could choose a secret spot. That sounds more... romantic? yes, exactly that!.

عمر که بی عشق رفت هیچ حسابش مگیر

Sincerely, Nandor The Relentless (<-that's me.) A.K.A, your king (<- that was my second joke. I'm a funny guy as you can see).

[kin00]

“This is how it is now, welcome to your life”

These things don’t have to make sense to you just twist them into a meaning you see that would fit :) they are mostly for me. And correlate with a story I’m trying to create. I usally DONT post stuff like this on my other social medias, but I came here so I could post what I want with out worrying if I’ll be judged or not. Even if I am it means nothing to me since I don’t know any of these people. Idk why I’m saying any of this..im here because no one uses tumbler and I’m free to do what I want say what I want etc etc whatever. anyway don’t think of these as vent posts because to me that’s not what they are. I write a lot of songs and poetry so most of the time the things written in the the description or on a picture is an exert from one of those poems or songs. Also I know the hands are a little wonky :( I don’t like drawing hands at allllll. 😢😢 ik I’m not the greatest artist every but I know I’ll get there soon✌️

[carbonatedcacti]

Littol insomnia vent/ramble under the cut feel free to ignore

I hate this. So. Fucking. Much.

There’s only so many times a person can mentally deal with being physically unable to sleep, and that’s been the most common and pervasive problem in my life for as long as I can remember.

There is something just so taxing about not being able to sleep no matter what you do when it’s the only thing you want to do. I’m so fucking tired. In every sense of the word. I’m just so tired of this.

Every time I try and go to doctors about this they tell me the same things and the same solutions that don’t fix the problem. Having a sleeping schedule that I strictly adhere to doesn’t make my random bouts of no sleep go away, it just makes me a worse and more miserable person because I end up fucking sleep deprived.



They act like I do this to myself on purpose. Like it’s so easy to fix. Like I could fix it if I just listened to them and tried hard enough. I have tried everything I can. I’ve tried everything they tell me to do. And yet here I sit, at 1:25 in the morning knowing that no matter how much medicine I take, no matter how relaxed I make myself, no matter how many hot baths or how little screen time or caffeine I indulge in, it doesn’t fucking matter. None of it matters. Because I would have ended up right here anyway. And there’s nothing I or anyone else can do about it.

And so I sit and I wait and wait and wait and wait until maybe finally I’ll be allowed to fall asleep. Maybe. Probably not. And it’s not like I can do anything truly productive right now either. My brain is in sleep mode, so I can’t focus. And if I take it out of sleep mode then I lose my chance at any sleep at all tonight.

I hate this. I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. But I can’t. I just can’t. And I never can. At least when I was little this happening meant I could read more books. I wasn’t as tired then. I’m so tired now.

When I was in high school, I was forced to make a last minute poetry for a high level state competition. I put one together about insomnia. I still think about it sometimes, about how reading those poems made me feel. I didn’t know for certain that this was insomnia back then, I just had a pretty strong gut feeling that it was. And those poems, those shared experiences, they all but confirmed it for me. Confirmed that this really is that. But it also showed me that other people suffer like this to. And maybe it’s shitty of me, but that made me glad. I was glad that I’m not alone in this. Cuz that would be so much worse.

There was one poem that I especially liked. It followed the time passing on a clock, and used intervals to show how time seems to slow down when your like this. Show how your mind races with everything and nothing. How your thoughts jump so incredibly fast from topic to topic that the clock can’t keep up. I think I liked that one the best because it so perfectly encapsulated how I feel. What I go through. I want to stop, I want to slow down, and I am I really am but I just can’t at the same time. I am everything and nothing all at once. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish there was something I could do about it.

When I figured out what tonight was gonna be like, I set a timer for myself, so that if I’m not sleeping by then I’ll just have to suck it up and accept the situation and get some work done. I have 47 minutes left. I pray I am asleep by then but I know I won’t be.

[menacetosocietyy]

Semi-heavy word vomit-vent-info dump thing ahead. Did this on my phone so apologies in advance.

Today I learned that people with my disorder likely experience emotions more intensely than anyone else (generally).

In my poetry, I often express/describe feeling my emotions in extremes, so I mean... it makes sense. Yet part of me is defeated by this confirmation; I'm not quite sure why-

I'm just so burned out today from college and likely other stressors like being threatened to get kicked out again for getting food poisoning and I basically am failing college currently, plus some other more personal things, along with likely needing to get checked for autism and an ED.

I guess a part of me does desire to be "normal." Not traumatized, neurodivergent, and mentally disabled because maybe then I wouldn't be struggling so much. I could have a job and be in school at the same time without having a breakdown, I could push myself to do what I need to without medications, I could live life without needing to fixate on things like fictional universes/characters to not lose my marbles, I could express and manage my emotions properly.

I am grateful to be able to relate the groups of people that I can because of my disability, disorders, and trauma. It's given me the ability to make so many different kinds of connections, help people, and be a better person myself. I'm grateful for being born into a home that got me therapy when I needed it and I credit that to likely the largest chunk of who I am today, but if I am part of the group that feels emotions to the most extreme, and we do it basically on a day to day basis? Fuck dude, ADHD is already known to cause imbalance in emotions, impulsiveness, destructive behaviours- all the things in common with borderline.

Did I just get double-fuckin-whammied??

I would not wish the pain I can feel on anyone (except abusers and pedos and grapeists and-). It is so frustrating to constantly have your mood fluctuating or just randomly be numb for however long when you so desperately want to feel something good AND stable, not just a stable mood of emptiness.

Then, to have people point it out because of concern when you didn't even know you were doing something like changing moods so quickly... it's humiliating for me. They say that the disorders should not be our entire personality, yet they affect literally every aspect of our personalities. How are they not??

Did I mention how fucking TERRIBLE humiliation is?? I can't even put into words right now how much I LOATHE being humiliated and/or ashamed. It causes me to physically twitch and make little noises or whistle. I hate it.

Anyway

Of course, since I get the LOW lows, I also get the HIGH highs... it's probably why I, and so many others, write about love so much. It's such an intense, raw, euphoric, and disastrous feeling.

The human emotions, to me, are probably the most beautiful thing in the world and they fucking suck.

[ankhisms]

feeling the sad little pathetic creature emotions this evening suddenly. i dont really want to dwell in feeling bad but it is a familiar deep sad feeling u know. itll be ok i just have to let it out

[rainecloud020604]

When someone cant tell the difference between a venty poem and one about an oc *dabs* 

[tokusaatsus]

Hi! I really love your works and it's always fun and enjoying to read them! It's a shame that I didn't made it for the event reqs but i saw that regular reqs are open, if that's what you call them? XD Anyway, can I request for Kohaku, Mayoi, and Hiiro being a secret admirer to the reader? Thank you!

HOW THEY WOULD ACT AS A SECRET ADMIRER

ft. amagi hiiro, ayase mayoi, oukawa kohaku

© tokusaatsus 2022

warnings: none (as of now)

In my opinion, Hiiro is too honest and straight-forward to be considered a ‘secret’ admirer. I feel like he wouldn’t see any reason to hide the fact that he is the one sending you the letters?

Since he wants you to see them and feel appreciated, he would probably think you’d like it better if you knew who your admirer was.

The only reason he doesn’t is because Aira assured him it would be more romantic that way. Out of the two of them, Aira is the more well-versed in pop culture, so Hiiro decides to take him at face value.

I am a firm believer in the idea that Hiiro unironically enjoys puns. So he probably sends you lovemail in that style. Little sticky notes with cute doodles and adorable puns pasted on your desk, or on your doorframe.

Like:

If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber ♡ or Are you a banana? Because I find you very a-peel-ing ♡

They’re small, usually mentioning food or animals, but they still manage to fluster you with their simplicity.

He places them at intervals–one in the morning, and one in the evening!

It’s especially sweet when you’re having a bad day and you just see these cute little notes. It makes you brighten up and forget your worries, even if it’s only for a little bit.

And that’s exactly what Hiiro wants! He’s glad that he’s able to bring you even a fraction of the joy he gets when he’s around you.

Signs off with little spades, just as a hint!

He does reveal himself eventually, though, because he feels like there’s no need for him to remain a secret anymore.

The only reason you didn’t suspect him to be your secret admirer despite the teeny spade doodles is because you thought that he wouldn’t hide it, rather he would just outright tell you, which is why you’re so surprised when you realise.

Even after you find out, he still makes it a habit to send you the puns–though not so secretly–because he likes seeing you smile when you receive them!

Mayoi is probably the most secretive out of the 3. He would rather die than let his position be revealed.

He finds himself writing you flowery, poetry-esque short letters with cute little doodles whenever he’s thinking about you (which is a lot!). He would prefer to never have to send them ever, but he also thinks you deserve to be appreciated for all the hard work and effort you put into things.

You are strong, you are brave, you make flowers bloom in my heart. A whole garden, just for you. My heart, no matter how small and shrivelled, will always have a space for you. You are more perfect than you know ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

He’s certain you wouldn’t like any messages from a gross creature such as himself, so he decides to take the good ol’ secret admirer route.

Goes full-out super spy when it comes to planting your letters.

Crawls into the vents at 4am so he can place them on your desk before school starts, sneaks into the ES kitchen at midnight to place one in your mug, etc, etc. He’s putting those ninja skills to good use!

You’re like a blushing schoolgirl being serenaded, honestly. It’s sweet.

These letters are the highlight of your day. Not just because of how cute they are, but also because no one can figure out where they’re coming from? No matter how hard you try, you can never catch the culprit who is slowly but surely stealing your heart!?

The actual reveal happens by accident.

You wake up in the middle of night, craving the most delicious drink known to mankind. You open the kitchen doors and lo and behold, what do you find but Mayoi, a piece of paper in one hand and your favoured mug in the other.

Hang on… Your sleep-addled brain starts to connect the dots. Is Mayoi-san…my secret admirer?

Starts stammering about how y-you’ve got it a-a-all wrong and eep! I’m s-s-sorry for r-ruining your night!

You giggle, startling him, and tell him that it’s okay before thanking him for how sweet his words were. You tell him that he also has a special place in your heart and he nearly dies. Hopefully you know CPR? Or maybe…mouth-to-mouth?

Sends you shoujo-style lovemail in the form of adorable letters praising all your virtues and commenting on how cute you are when you smile.

You wouldn’t expect Kohaku to write such cheesy things so easily, but all those Ghibli marathons with Aira have paid off. It started off as a way for Kohaku to express his feelings for you in secret, but after a few too-close calls with Rinne, he decided to kill two birds with one stone.

This way, he can tell you how he feels without embarrassing himself and also seeing how you flush every time you see one of his letters on your desk makes him more pleased then the cat that caught the canary.

Dear Y/N,

I hope your day is going well?

People always talk about how bright the sun is, but I think you’re the brightest thing in my sky. You push me to be the best version of myself, I want to be the way you see me. You manage to stay brave and strong, and I admire your desire to be the very best you can be. You’re a blessing to the people around you, and I thought you should know this. I’m not…very good at expressing my emotions but, I hope that this could make you smile just a little bit. That’s all.

You deserve good things.

Love, 🌸

His letters are so sweet and heartfelt, they make you giddy.

You slowly start anticipating the letters everyday. There’s always a kind note and a query about your day, it feels like the writer really cares about you.

This goes on for around a month, and then you decide that you need to find your so-called secret admirer so you can thank them for their kind words and praise.

When he finds out you’re looking for the writer of the letters, Aira pushes him to reveal himself but Kohaku doesn’t want to. He feels like it might be a letdown for you, and he doesn’t want to tarnish your experience.

But Aira, who knows that there’s no way you would shun him for something like this–actually there’s no way you would ever shun him, period–decides to casually let it slip in conversation that Kohaku’s been writing love letters for someone. Oh, Y/N, you are the recipient of these letters? How shocking~

When you thank Kohaku earnestly for how kind he is–and be sure to compliment him about his writing skills while you’re at it!–he’s flustered like you wouldn’t believe, but also incredibly happy as well. 

notes!

WC: 1.1k

reze txt HELP this was so long omg im?? but secret admirers are sooo cute ahhhh <33 i hope this made up for u missing my 100 followers event anonnie! and that it was as enjoyable to read as it was to write!!

[wyrdify]

A bit of an explanation for the stronger depression because I’m an info-dumper, and this shift is boring as fuck right now anyway. Plus, I know it affects my ability to write, and, well, I haven’t done that in a while, which is what most of y’all follow my blogs for.

---

We’re gonna break it down into parts:

Seasonal depression. Winter tends to increase my depression overall due to less sunlight, colder temperatures, and more time indoors. This is something to check on for yourselves, by the way. 

Apartment bound. Save for the one night a week when I get to go to trivia, I am basically stuck in my apartment 24/7. We are working to get my car fixed to help remedy this problem, but I have not driven in over a year, and we’re entering the winter season in New England.

My soul-sucking job. I cannot emphasize this one enough. My hours just got cut again for the week of 12/11 when I was promised they wouldn’t be, and I’m going to have to scrounge around to get them back up to 28.75. That’s all I’m allowed to work, and that’s for $12.75/hour (minimum wage). Management is poor and retaliatory, coworkers/assistant managers micromanage me to death, I don’t get recognition or praise for the work I do---the list goes on. But, because I can’t drive myself anywhere, and other work-at-home jobs that aren’t strictly customer service are hard to come by, I have to stick with it.

December in general. It’s a hard month for my family. Eleven years ago this Christmas Eve is when my paternal grandmother passed away (maternal passed away last year in late November, and I wasn’t as close to her for various reasons). While the wound isn’t as fresh as it was when I was 21, it still fucking hurts, and I still have trauma related to this whole Christmas season that I’ve been trying to deal with. When your grandmother was the center of your family, and she was the one who made Christmas a big deal at her house, the holidays lose a lot of their cheer. 

I have bipolar depression (bipolar II). If you want to learn more about what that means, Mayo Clinic does a decent breakdown here about bipolar in general. I’ve had this since I was at least in my teen years---that’s when I remember the depression getting worse, at least---but I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of months ago. It means that when I hit a low, I hit a low, and I can stay in it for days to weeks at a time. Hypomania? Lasts maybe a few days if I’m lucky. Then there are the mixed episodes, also known as depression with the energy to act on it (for me, at least).

I’m not out to my in-laws. Because these are the holidays, I’m spending more time around them. I love my in-laws, but they are staunch conservative Catholics, and I’m not out to them as nonbinary. I get misgendered (not intentionally) a lot when I’m around them, and it’s hard. I’m sure a lot of my gender-nonconforming friends here can relate.

---

What I’m doing about each of these things:

Seasonal depression: Being aware of it, turning lights on, and staying on top of my diet.

Apartment bound: Working on getting my car fixed (husband is researching tires), finding opportunities to get out when possible.

My soul-sucking job: Just taking it one day at a time, venting here and there, keeping my head down, doing the bare minimum work wise*, focusing on what I can control, continuing to look for other jobs, working on a loan repayment plan to get my FAFSA done to get college restarted so I can work on an MLIS, not responding to work emails or slack messages while not on shift.

*paying minimum wage = minimum effort

December in general: Acknowledging the grief, communicating about it and when it’s hitting harder, not pushing myself too much. Also going to try and decorate the apartment for Christmas to get some of that holiday cheer in.

Bipolar II: Educating myself on my disorder, therapy, medication (and working with my med manager), tracking my sleep, journaling, writing poetry, tracking my moods.

Not Out to my In-Laws: Husband and I need to find a time to talk to his mom alone about it, and that’s probably not gonna happen for a bit. So, I’m tabling it for now.

---

Doing all of these things doesn’t change that the depressive episode is still hitting hard right now. It was super bad yesterday, and I’m sort of crawling out of it just now. I’m still going to isolate for the time being, especially since I have the Bioshock collection to distract me for a bit (started yesterday, and whoo boy it’s a trip so far). 

I’ll respond to discord messages when I get the energy, and my brain stops being snappy. That’s one part of depression no one likes, and it’s one reason I isolate: I can be mean, and I don’t want to be mean to my friends. My brain goes “Lol no one’s listening to/they’re ignoring you anyway, so go isolate.” You know, that leftover toxic thinking from being raised by abusive parents where I had to scream for even slight acknowledgment. Super fun. I’m working on challenging it, but, in the meantime, I just step away and not talk so I don’t say something mean. 

Anyway, this got longer than I thought it would, and I got distracted several times by work. Thanks for reading if you did. Have Vincent sitting on the internet as a reward.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen!

Hope you're doing well 😊 I feel so silly sending an ask like this but honestly don't know who else to ask/vent to, at least not without feeling judged. Your blog seems to be somewhat of a lesbian advice column and I love it.

Okay so.. How can I tell if a girl likes me? And how do I tell her about my feelings for her? It's so childish, I know. I'm in my late 20s but I've never had a girlfriend before. I dated a guy for years when I was younger before I had the courage to come out. I've fooled around a little with women in the past, but I'm honestly really inexperienced when it comes to being with another woman. Especially the romance part of it. The confessing of feelings, planning dates, etc. I don't know how to do any of that, but I really want to. And I have this awful feeling like the window is closing before I'm just officially too old for any of it. I know that's probably just me freaking out.

Anyway. There's this woman I work with. She's so fucking smart and classy and beautiful, and she doesn't care what people think. She's always unabashedly herself. Her laugh makes me melt. I can't stop thinking about her. We have similar interests and we get along great. Lately we've been ordering each other coffees or food late at night (we work sometimes until 2am) I'm so into her it's insane. I'm just not sure how to tell her that/ask her out? Or even if that's a good idea? Given that we work together, would it be too weird & uncomfortable for her if she's not interested like that? We've hung out as friends a few times and we have plans to go to a concert together this summer and I'll be meeting her sister & brother. But I'm just not sure how to tell her about my feelings. The thing with her is, she's really shy. Like, painfully shy. When she was new at work, we all were worried she didn't like us or the job because she was so quiet. She's still pretty closed off with our coworkers, but I like to think she's different with me. Idk if that's just me wanting to feel special or what, but she doesn't hang out with any other coworkers outside of work and doesn't offer details about her life to anyone else at work either. No one else in our workplace knows she's a lesbian, and no one there knows that we hang out outside of work. I don't know what to make of it tbh, but I'm hoping it's a good sign? I just. Genuinely don't know how to tell if she has feelings for me or not. I get kind of mixed signals from her. She says she has fun when we go out, but on the other hand, she's never the one to make plans. It's always me asking her. I think I've just gotta tell her how I feel, but I'm so lost on how to do it. And this is pretty out of character for me. I'm never soft spoken or afraid to say anything. To say I'm straightforward would be an understatement. If anything, I've been told in the past to tone down how blunt I am. So why is this making me such a timid mess? It should be the simplest thing ever. Any advice would be greatly appreciated ❤

First I am going to tackle your feelings of a "window closing". You are not the only lesbian out in the world who waited a long time to come out. It is fairly common. Many of us (me included) tired to date men with the expected result of it not going that well. Dating men made me think, perhaps I was incapable of sexual interest and deep love like I read about in poetry or watched in movies. Then I allowed myself to envision being with a woman and suddenly my lack of passion made sense.

Now that you are out, even if to yourself, please take your time and date and figure out what makes you happy, who makes you happy.

The sterotypical "useless lesbian"trope is a joke and of course we are not useless when we have trouble picking up on cues. That is human. But the joke is somewhat based in reality. As women, we are conditioned to not really listen to our instincts. We tend to ingore signals and even red flags and second guess ourselves when it comes to flirting and friendship. W e feel like if we give off signals or try to pick up cues we are second guessing every detail over and over. If we are, like you. straight forward, we risk coming off as pushy or aggressive or “blunt” as you’ve been told. 

Asking some one with whom you work is risky because you do work together so you are both “stuck” in the same space and the hope is, as two adults, no can be accepted gracioulsy and it won’t be weird. The fear is always, it will feel weird and make the other part uncomfortable. BUT the reality is we meet some of our social cirlce on the job because we spend a lot of time there. 

My adivce is to speak to her outside of work. Ask her to coffee or to hang out as usual. Don’t go somewhere loud or crowded but do to to a public place, like a  park or cafe. Tell her you really like her and if she is interested you would like to take her on a real date. Let her know her humor, her personalty sets you at ease and you enjoy time with her. Be clear you want to take her on a date. You don’t have to give her an out or be wishy washy. Don’t say “You don’t have to say yes but” or “I understand if you want to say no” this sets her up to feel like you are unsure of the whole idea. She is an adult and can say “no”.

If she says no take it graciously and agree that friendship is fine because you respect her boundaries and understand. If she says “yes” continue to be clear in communicaiton. Set some expectations for work She might not be comforable being out or “with you” at work. This is normal. Lots of people just want to work when they are at work and keep their personal lives personal. It is not an affront to you or being a lesbian. 

It really is best to stop trying to read her mind and decifer every word and move. Have a talk with her and ask her out. Be clear and genuine. And respect her answer with grace.