#fieldofdahlias

[fieldofdahlias]

[fieldofdahlias]

- unknown

[fieldofdahlias]

i had met the absolute love of my life in you. from the moment i first saw you, i knew.

but i owed karma a debt, and i paid it in full.

[fieldofdahlias]

As beautiful as brown eyes

[fieldofdahlias]

i crave it. i crave it so badly, it's almost disgusting.

it's a constant need in the back of my mind that just won't go away.

like an itch i can't scratch.

the need to be touched. to be held.

not even just in a romantic way, just in a way that makes me feel cared for.

the need to be hugged by someone, anyone.

not a quick one that ends in less than a second, where you can tell it's done out of habit or obligation.

but one where you both put your weight on each other, where you can feel the love and care radiating from one another.

i crave it so badly it's painful.

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i hate it. i hate it so fucking much. it makes me feel disgusted.

a constant fear in the back of my mind. i'm terrified of it.

i don't wanna be touched, i don't want anyone near me.

the thought of another human beings skin touching mine makes me uneasy.

i don't need or want the comfort another person has to give.

if i want comfort i'll do it myself, as i've always done.

all i've ever gained from the touch of another is pain and suffering.

sadness that made my soul shatter into a million pieces.

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i am so touch starved, so deprived of it. simultaneously i am so repulsed by it.

i don't know which one i prefer.

to be hugged and told i am cared for.

or to never feel the touch of someone ever again.

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

- perry poetry

[fieldofdahlias]

[fieldofdahlias]

i will forever remember your name. memories of you will never leave my mind.

because now that there is an after you, anyone i entertain will have to know you, to understand me.

but i don't want to share you. i don't want to tarnish the beautiful memories we have together. i refuse to hear your name come from someone else's lips.

so i will sit here, either waiting for you or living my life with the knowledge that no other human being will ever come close to knowing me the way you did.

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

I've come to terms with it.

You're never coming back.

And I've come to a conclusion because of it.

I will continue on with my life. I will meet a stranger, learn everything about them, maybe I'll even love them.

But I will be settling.

For the rest of my life, I will live with the knowledge that whoever I share the rest of my life with will be someone I will never be in love with.

We'll get married, buy a house together, maybe even have kids. And I will love that person, but I'll never be in love with them.

Because they aren't you.

All the while I know you'll fall in love with someone else. You'll let them into the deepest, darkest parts of your mind and soul. Places I once knew better than I knew myself. They will be loving and attentive, and you'll love them more deeply than you ever did me.

I will be but a ghost of your past, a memory.

But at least I know what it was like to be loved by you. All consuming, heart aching, soul shattering.

I wish you the happiness I know I'll never find in another human being again.

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

she ran a finger over the figures on the door. smiling softly to herself, she observed with loving eyes the carvings she had long since memorized. she pressed her forehead against it, the old oak so cold it felt as though it was burning her. she blew out a shaky breath as her vision began to blur from the unshed tears. knowing it would make no difference, she wiped them away.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

she knew that this time was no different. she'd opened the door more times than she could count. what lie behind it bringing her true solace and happiness, the only times she actually felt anything at all were always behind that door. but she prayed this time would be different. once she entered, she hoped she would never leave again.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

placing her hand on the handle, she looked at her surroundings. on her left were stairs. the same ones she'd walked up from to get here. on her right, what looked like an unending hallway. countless doors on either side, many she had walked through before, others she would never enter. turning her attention back to where her hand lay, she swallowed the lump in her throat and turned the handle.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

the crisp night air assaulted her senses immediately, just as it always did. she breathed in the familiar, comforting scents. rain soaked moss, leaves in fall, the slightest hint of salt from the sea and of course, flowers. the air was always thick with the fragrance of the different plants in constant bloom. it never failed to wrap around her like a warm blanket. a slight breeze brushed her hair aside, the loose strands tickling her skin. she opened eyes she hadn't realized were closed. her gaze landing on her favorite view, one that filled her heart with more warmth than she could ever dream of.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

one by one, they all launched an attack, making her lose her balance and fall backwards onto the dirt. she knew it was coming of course, her little protectors, as she calls them, greeted her this way every time without fail. so many little fur balls surrounded her, all trying to get her attention. as always though, she gave each and every one of them her love and affections until they seemed satisfied. running away in different directions, ready to cause trouble she will later have to deal with, but always adored doing nonetheless.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

getting back on her feet, she wiped the dirt from her hands and legs, and gazed at the field around her. needless to say, she knew her surroundings better than she knew herself. the garden, she called it. a nearly endless field full of every species of flower known to man. planted and tended to by her own two hands. her safe haven, her own elysium. the only place in all of existence that made her feel peace. as she walked, fingertips skimming petals, she headed towards the center of her garden. where the physical manifestation of her heart and soul, currently awaited her arrival.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

serenity. if she had to sum it all up into one word, the way seeing him made her feel, she would say it was serenity in it's most absolute form. he lay in front of a giant tree, the centerpiece of her garden, with his head down but his eyes following her every move. she stopped a few feet in front of him. her smile somehow growing so wide it seemed almost painful, eyes filled with so much adoration. she opened her arms wide, already feeling the last bits of anguish and despair leave her body.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

"home is not a place, it is a person"

towering over her, he nuzzled his head down against her body. she inhaled the scent of his fur, the action immediately bringing tears to her eyes. she let out a small laugh, running her hand between his eyes. his eyes. a beautiful shade of red, her favorite color. though after so long, she couldn't remember if it was always her favorite color, or if it became that way because of him. an answer lost to time, one she didn't care to receive. this, she thought, this is home.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

they walked side by side. he was so careful as to not step on her flowers, she always giggled at the sight of such a great beast being cautious about where he walked. he knew what each bloom meant to her, how much time she spent caring for each and every single one, after all, he was often by her side as she did. at the sound of her laughter, his favorite sound, he turned slightly to face her. he loved her so much it felt as though his heart may burst right out of his chest. this little human, his everything. nothing and no one, would ever compare.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

she pointed up at another bright dot in the night sky. "Venus, also known as the morning or evening star, depending on the relative position of the sun. second brightest observable object in the night sky, after the moon." hundreds -no- thousands of times, they have laid in this exact spot. her going on and on about the different celestial objects in the universe, and him listening intently as her heart poured out through her words. he always wrapped himself around her, almost as if creating a little bubble just for them. she rested herself against him, body rising and falling along with his breaths, feeling the soft warmth his fur emanated. "Did you know, Venus, in Roman mythology, is the goddess of love, beauty, desire and victory? amongst a few other things of course. she is the Roman counterpart to the Greek goddess, Aphrodite." he did know. he had heard her tell him many times before. and he would continue to listen a million more if it meant hearing the happiness in her voice.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

"thank you"

the two words slightly startling him. she had gone quiet a while ago, he would have thought she'd fallen asleep had it not been for the way her breaths came and her heart beat. confused by her words, he rubbed his cheek against her hair, a question. "thank you for always loving me. for allowing me to love you. thank you for keeping me safe and continuously caring for me when i didn't have the strength to do it myself." he met her gaze, the tears falling along her face causing his chest to tighten. he bent his head down, a wordless request. she shut her eyes and put her forehead against his own. the tears fell harder.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

half of her soul, the blood that coursed through her veins, the beating of her heart, the air in her lungs. he was all of this, and more, for her, as she was for him. the solace in a storm, a light flickering in the darkness, the rain in a desert. what would have become of her without him? she never wishes to know. for he is the manifestation of a safety and comfort that had long since been stripped away from her. she would never let him go, and he would certainly never leave. theirs was a love so pure, there was nothing that could ever come between it.

inhale. hold. exhale. repeat.

she opened her eyes. her gaze being met with a white ceiling and four, matching white walls. she looked to the center of said ceiling and watched the fan spin. round and around and around and- she felt her heart break in her chest. the tears seemed never ending. her sobs muffled only by her own hand. it wasn't a dream. but she knew as much as she longed for it, it would never be truly real. real. ah, yes. reality. the only thing capable of coming between her and-

she shut her eyes once more.

inhale. hold. exhale...

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

"how are you?"

a simple question. you have to answer. don't forget to smile.

"i'm good, thanks for asking!"

liar.

"are you sure?"

do you even care? just smile wider. your eyes probably show how dead you feel inside. force it to reach your eyes. make your voice sound friendly.

"of course! just tired is all" yeah. of life. change the subject. "anyways how have you been? how's work?"

"oh its...."

good. don't focus on me. it doesn't matter how i feel. as if you feel anything. whatever. it doesn't matter.

-----

"well you look like shit."

i stare at her. at me.

"i had a long day, that's all."

yeah... that's all.

"right, more like a long life. i mean look at you."

eye bags that only get worse with each passing day. eyes devoid of light- or life for that matter. messy hair. when was the last time i truly smiled?

"if you ask me i'd say you look almost as bad as you feel."

if not worse.

"i'm fine."

i am. i'm always fine. it's fine. i'm okay. it's gonna be okay. don't you dare cry. get your shit together.

"i'm fine."

-----

"hey, are you okay?"

shut up. it's a simple question. three words. 10 letters. i fucking hate that question. just answer. smile.

"of course, i'm fine!"

what a fucking liar.

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

and suddenly everything stopped.

i can't breath

i didn't see your face,

why is my heart racing

but you're as beautiful as i remember.

gods i missed you

your hair is shorter now, it looks good on you.

my whole body is shaking

i heard your voice, it's as hypnotic as ever.

i still love you so much

i'm glad you didn't see me,

i wish you would've seen me

i don't think i could handle our eyes meeting again.

i'm miserable without you

i hope you're happy, you deserve to be.

i don't want to walk away from you

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

I guess I can't complain.

better this, than to feel the sadness and despair that seeps into my bones.

better this, than to feel the agony that's woven itself into the fabric of my very being.

some would say it's sad, I'd say it's freeing.

yes, I may not be able to feel truly happy or experience emotions on a deeper level,

but it's better to feel nothing at all than to feel everything all at once.

this numbness has become my companion for so long, i truly don't know what I'd do if it ever went away.

would the weight of despair and agony crush me until i'm left on my knees with a bleeding heart?

I hope to never find out.

I remember what it was like to feel every single thing, and while at times it was nice, I don't wish that upon myself ever again.

so here i'll remain, empty. numb. without true emotion. at least this way I am protected.

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

i had always dreamed of a great love

read it in books, saw it in movies, heard it in songs

when i met you, i knew you were my great love. but i was young, i thought i knew of the world, when i so obviously didn't.

so i didn't appreciate that love and didn't hold onto it as tightly as i should've. i should've treated it better, treated you better.

i pray you find me again, i pray we find each other again

but i pray that when our paths cross again i'll be a little bit older, and a far lot wiser than i once was

so i may finally make it right between us. so i may love you the way i always should have. the way you always deserved to be loved.

- dahlia

[fieldofdahlias]

[fieldofdahlias]

i write to let my soul breathe, because the pain i feel consumes me each and everyday

there aren't enough words in any language to properly express the anguish i feel at the loss of you

i write because there are things i want to say to you that i cannot

there's something tearing at my soul with each passing day that only your presence can calm

i write to hopefully soothe my weary heart

- dahlia