#anyway thats whats going on in my life rn
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My sibling brought home a stray cat? I'm deeply allergic to cats?? Why did they bring home a stray cat??????? I'm left with more questions than answers.
#i was at home and she texted that there was a stray cat in the park and i should go get it#of course i said no. because im hella allergic#then i got a text while i was at work from them telling me to grab allergy medicine#because they had brought home the stray cat#so now there's a cat in our bathroom#and its the prettiest cat ive ever seen in my life#but i cant get over the fact that we now have a random cat living in our bathroom#tomorrow or monday we're gonna try to see if it has a microchip#then put word out on facebook and to local shelters#im trying to convince my sibling to keep it but they said we already have too many pets#valid. so im gonna slyly bring it up to our roommate who has no pets and likes cats#anyway thats whats going on in my life rn
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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I’ve been re-listening to dndads s1 and i just finished the last episode again… im inconsolable
#i started lostening to dndads at a really tough time in my life and everything was changing. i felt like i had nothing to cling on to#but dndads was the one thing that made things feel good again. it was the one thing i could hold onto when my life felt like disaster#it was the one thing that genuinely made me feel happy and im so glad that i had this podcast to get me through what felt like hell.#i would say that i wish i could listen to this podcast for the first time again. but i experienced it at the most perfect time in my life#that its had a lasting effect on me and i wouldnt change that for the world#i sometimes wonder how dndads would have affected me if i hadn’t experienced it at that time in my life#i occasionally listened to episodes in 2020-2021 but stopped after the first few episodes#what if i kept going? what if i had finished season one in 2021? would it have impacted me the same?#anyways…#oughhhhh#ouuuuuu#ououoooouuuu#uuuuuuuoooouuuuu#<- thats me crying :’)#dndads#dungeons and dads#dungeons and daddies#dndads s1#dungeons and daddies s1#im so emotional rn
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just bc im a lesbian doesnt mean tht i wont at times become deeply entranced with the beauty of male actor or character. it just means i wld rather be locked in a room with a man with a knife than do anything romantic or sexual with one
#NO OFFENCE TO MEN AS PEOPLE THAT EXIST. but also i shldnt have to say tht after saying this yk#also b4 u say ooh ur aro tho why do u need to specifcy u wldnt do anything romantic w a man when i wldnt with a woman either#i am actually pretty romance favorable. like i would be in a romantic relationship with a woman if it wldnt ruin my life#with how it is rn . i think i like and want all the parts tht make up a romantic relationship i just dont experince romantic attraction#but anyway i was here to talk abt my sexuality not my romantic orientation#this post was originally like 'im remembering why there was such a huge overlap with my og major starkid hyperfixation#and me identifing as bisexual' but the thing is is the main main guy from starkid i remember being attracted too#was infact . rob. and thats aged badly bc of it being revealed that hes a fucking creep since then#but also just now not that we should ignore tht but regardless of that i just. dont see it at all#maybe it is that news subconsiously turning me off him but i really dont see that much what i liked abt his appearance#but who rly inspired this post to me is infact . jeff blim ? which is suprising just from the fact tht i dont ever remember#having tht big of a crush on him with that og starkid hyperfixation. but well he is a very beautiful man . giggling a little bit. sorry .#also becoming a bit obsessed with joey richter but thts just standard lesbian obssesion with a weird little man#not attractive to me im just obssesed with him. hi#also posting this now so when i finally watch the fnaf movie i can rb it abt josh hutcherson#anyway. does anyone read these tags do these long rants i go on like. turn ppl off of my posts. sometimes i wonder#flappy rambles
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I'm gonna post this hopefully quickly and then go make bracelets to distract myself bc I wanna get it out but not have to come back to it later . And I will be whining about this on main a lot so I might as well give yall some context first
#i got soft fired.#they said it was bc summertime is slow and they dont have the hours for me#but they also said smth about my 3 month evaluation ? which i was not involved in but i felt like it implied something about my performance#but they didn't say it was about my performance not being good enough#and they also didn't say its just bc of the hours but you're a good employee so don't worry about that#they said they still might call me at some point if they have hours for me again#the words fired and let you go were not used#but. i stg they just hired a new froster. idk for sure but i thought they did#and one of the cashiers (the girl i know actually 😐) said she might get trained in frosting this summer#even tho by company policy youre not supposed to work in the kitchen if youre under 18. shes 16#but there was no warning or critiques or anything#there was when i first started#but not for a long time now#the manager gave me one note like 2 or 3 weeks ago and not since and that was the first time in a while#i had a panic attack when i got home#idk what im gonna do and idk what to think or feel about it rn#i just . yea#thats whats going on in my life lol anyway
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the growler, after all these years of endless torment, has finally been documented to have constructed a comprehensible and doable fanfic outline and has made, relatively to its species, a commendable amount of progress into starting to actually write it down. this is an exceptional accomplishment for it and frankly, it should be praised extensively for being so cool and awesome an
#do not mind this. i am stroking my ego rn so i can today go to sleep believing im god. game breaking npd cheat#mine#by the way new bsd chapter just dropped woahh thats crazyyyy.. anyway gonna continue with rewatching rain code lol#no unfortunately im not gonna liveblog it any time soon maybe once we get to the end of investigation ill feel like it again......#i got nothing to say about halara and yuma looking at crime scenes. i do however have things to say about the explosive furroughs divorce#like what the fuck is going on with seth in chapter 1. im fucking shaking this bunnyboy ruined my life#few minutes after edit: nvm seth literally appears right now i forgor. back to screaming like a seagull over this wretched game on my side
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going through the jade shadows tag reveals a lot of people that should go and talk to a woman in real life
#jade shadows spoilers#->#future me: im being unnecessarily mean in the tags here. its all whats going through my mind rn. no filter. thats why its rude#theyre saying her bodily autonomy was discarded because the plot gave her... bodily autonomy. make sense!#wf#youre playing this game thats probably the most progressive Huge multiplayer game#and you take issue because a woman had agency but you didnt like her decision#and considering from just the writer's standpoint. this isn't strange at all. this happens. women want children#if you listened to the fucking story youd see that they were trying to save HER. and SHE decided to go against them. it was her wish#AGAIN. this happens in real life! jfc#she did have lines#maybe there shouldve been more. but you could tell the quest was rushed. short n sweet. you cant expect TNW levels of story#she also didnt just... lie there. she beat back tenno(?) to help stalker. then became comatose#I got a womb. I don't want a child. but this story is realistic. I can empathize with it because I don't have internet brainrot#DE has several women in leadership. isnt rebbeca the main director? idr. i forget who people are#but anyway. this had to have been vetted by more than one woman
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.
#i am fine ftr im just. exhausted haha#NOT to overshare about my personal life too much but my dog is dying. my horse is being given back to his og owner this summer / fall.#my dads kicking me out in two years (in favor of his girlfriend and her kids bc he would rather live w them!!!)#his alcoholism is driving me crazy bc hes treating me like absolute shit and berating me constantly#and stealing from me 🙃#ive lost my healthcare benefits + now have to either raw dog therapy out of pocket or loose my therapist#a therapist that took me a year of being on a waiting list to get in w btw#and idk i just genuinely feel like a loser rn like. im a 23 year old unemployed fat virgin who plays video games all day like. 🧍#where is this going for me. what is the point of it all. in two years im going to be fucking homeless on top of all that#unless some miracle happens bc as is i am too disabled to work.#im just reaching a point where i deeply dont care anymore. whatever happens happens im done fighting it#and ik its the abandonment issues talking here but knowing my dad is planning on abandoning me. 👍#thats two for two on parents leaving me. my entire family has at this point so like truly i cant trust any relationship#like if my PARENTS find me that unbearable. and my best friend who knew me my entire life thought so. then truly every relationship#i ever have is on a fucking timer like. idk if any besties r reading this im sorry i promise this is in no way a dig at yall#bc you guys do really make me feel loved and secure in a way no one else has but. id be lying if i said i wasnt still scared#anyways enough oversharing#i really am fine and safe rn btw like. at minimum u guys r stuck w me until arc*ne season 2 comes out 😂#my post
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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I rlly liked red hood the hill bc besides the gift it completely ignored everything else with the batfam which to meeee I’m taking it as the hill has been overlooked by the bats forever (see Orpheus rising) so yeah nobody there gives a fuck about those people and jason knows better than to bring that shit over there
#genuinely tho#I dislike the trend rn of simplifying Jason and Bruce’s issues and making it seem like Bruce was nice and accepting all along and Jason just#needs to get with the program#like the fanficication of that and the Damian Bruce issues or Damian tim issues or even Dick and bruce issues#where everything comes down to the kids being insecure and Bruce being bad at communicating#which has always been PART of the main issues but using that as the crux and lens through which a solution will be acheived is a stretch#a stretch only made in fix it fics that is picked up by ppl who dont read shit and then writers who dont read dont care and get a check#THIS IS MY ISSUE WITH WHERE IT SEEMS BATFAM IS GOING THAT IS NOT AN ISSUE I HAVE WITH RE#NOT ABOUT RED HOOD THE HILL#back to red hood the hill#i DO like them#playing off how jason has always been able to relax there#with a community that has eachothers back#and the flip from#his early red hood days to seeing dana go that path is soooo#what i find interesting tho as that he positions himself as support and backup more than a deterrant#like yes he does try to talk her down a lot but most of the time hes living his life with a worried eye on her#and i think it shows to how he reacted to ppl (bruce) being heavy handed with him#and u know i love the batfam repeating awful cycles shit i think its very interesting that this is one jason didnt repeat#maybe bc hes so close to the feeling or that dana isnt to him what he was to bruce or even that hes just relaxing and thinking clearly and#above all trusts her#most toxic fun future would be for her to break that trust and him to go crazy but thats a diff rant#anyways my entire summary for jasons character is that THAT is what good coochie does to a nigga#carmen thank you for your service another crazy off the street 🙏🏾#red hood and the hill#oh. still no Orpheus mention#no it doesn’t hurt less anytime 💔#Jason Todd
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no by all means keep judging cartoon villains solely by if they get redeemed in the end. i know some of us like to talk about other stuff like characterization or entertainment value or nuance as something that makes a good villain. but i think the only thing that actually matters is if the villain ends up on good terms with the protagonist at the end. all the Good TM cartoons with Good TM creators make the villains die a Horrible Death for being Abusers or whatever. and all the Bad TM cartoons with Bad TM creators Forgive Fascists by not making them get publicly executed by the 14 year old protagonist in front of the 8 year old target demographic.
i mean im so glad that more cartoons nowadays are subverting the psyop to support fascists that a few queer artists and queer shows definitely invented in 2017. there are so many popular cartoons doing that. it's almost like there are more properties killing their villains now and in the past than there ever were of properties that didn't do this. and it's almost like whether the villain gets redeemed at the end is more about the context of the story and its themes leading up to a narratively sound decision.
but you know. a few queer shows made by trans ppl were popular and they didn't kill their fascists and even had the gall to make them nuanced while also looking into the harm they did. guess it's trendy to forgive your abusers now because like two cartoons said so. out of like 40 other similarly high profile works that just straight up hit their villains with a bus or smth. by all means. keep heaping praise onto that one show about how they "let their villain just be evil" instead of talking about anything more interesting. that's so subversive, everyone's doing it!
#shut up pandora#check off my 'monthly rant about the treatment of the creators of steven universe and she ra'#this is because of the 'praise' ive been seeing for belos btw#yes i love his panache i love how much he fucks up everything and i love how hes beyond redemption#thats not because he was Born Evil and has always Been Evil???#ppl who show baby belos going out of his way to make calebs life a living hell and evelyn Rescuing this poor blond boy from his Evil Brothe#i am sending so many bad vibes at you rn#he isnt a good villain bc dana terrace decided to be 'subversive' by not redeeming belos#JUST being subversive while writing the story doesnt mean you make a good story being subversive =/= being good#hes a good villain because while his decisions are dogshit we can understand why he made them on an emotional level#and since gravity falls seems to be the golden standard for modern cartoons i guess#bill cipher also isnt a good villain bc hes evil and they killed him#bill is a good villain bc hes entertaining in the threat he poses#what makes a character a good villain is about stuff they do while theyre being a villain#dont just sum it up with 'duhhh they killed them at the end so its good' thats entirely dependent on the story!#anyway this is specifically about modern western cartoon fandoms#if youre telling me to watch shows that arent modern western cartoons or like. read a book then know that i do that already#this stuff isnt as big of a discourse topic in those circles but im talking about this specific circle rn
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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Halloween costume hint:
(The stitch marker and the word that describes this colour-pattern of yarn [or fabric] are 2 more hints.)
#i make no guarantees of finishing in time for halloween tho im going thru a lot rn#i DID finish a second pair of Scream yarn socks today tho!!#i just wanted to give my fingers a little break from knitting socks but i have other halloween sock yarn i plan on working on#(november is halloween 2 for me)#but yeah i saw a sample of yarn using this type of seamless cast on (provisional cast on / circular tubular cast on) last night...#...while half asleep and was immediately like Oh. I HAVE to do that costume idea now.#i flubbed the crochet part bc the way i did it made the stitches twisted when i knitted it...#...and i had to pull out every crochet stitch one by one. lol. but at least i know for next time how i gotta crochet it to be open stitches#also i knit backwards (mirrored) so i was surprised i managed to figure out the tutorial on the first go...#...bc the person filming described their actions instead of just showing it so i only needed to listen. it makes a world of difference to me#anyway. now that i got that started i have been shaking in pain all day i gotta try n shower before it gets too late#apparently my new back xrays show that my back does have an issue. but not on the spot thats hurting lmao.#so i get to do an mri and see a back specialist ughhh. also the pharmacy is refusing to fill pain meds for me. it sucks.#AND i finally got a physical therapy appointment.... for the middle of december.... guys i injured my back and#....have been trying to get in to PT since fucking MAY. its OCTOBER.#like fuck my life man i can barely fucking walk. i can barely take care of myself. the pain had been SO bad since i recently reinjured it#so yeah i gotta try n shower before i pass out from the pain.#knitting#Cori.exe#Image.exe#fiber art#horror#halloween#also like this yarn is the closest i could get to colour accuracy that i have in my yarn bin and i only have 1 skein of it which is perfect#bc it means i get to use up probably the whole skein and it makes a difference in the amount of yarn i need to use out of my bin lol#especially bc what other use am i ever going to get out of one skein of yarn? nothing but socks take one skein.#my worst yarn habit is seeing a cool yarn and then buying just one or two skeins. like thats fine for a hat or scarf...#...but i need to learn to knit and crochet more things. id like to make a sweater at least once in my life lmao#((sweater yarn gets so expensive tho bc u need so much. and we're back to me wanting to reduce my yarn stash))#personal
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boy the sudden outpour of angst ideas for larissa weems x reader in my brain got me weeping so bad i feel a fever coming on
#ALL YALL POSTING ABT FALLING OUT OF LOVE BUT MY BRAIN GOING 700 MILES FASTER AND 3000 YEARS FURTHER WITH A#the love was still there. it didnt change anything.#ABT READER LEARNING SHE'S DYIG SOON. BUT KNOWS LARISSA IS SWAMPED WITH NEVERMORE & DEALING WITH THE KIDS. AND SHE ALSO LOVES#HER NEVERMORE FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE CANNOT BEAR TO MAKE THEM SAD#AND BC LARISSA IS SO BUSY. SHE HASNT REALLY LOOKED @ HER WIFE. AND TO READER ITS JUST OKAY. AND CREATES A MINI VIDEO JOURNEY#AND LIKE. ITS JUST ALL THE LITTLE THINGS SHE LOVED TO DO WITH LARISSA. AND THE KIDS. AND OF LIFE U KNOW.#and its wonderful and sad and beautiful#but she's dying and she doesn't want anyone else to know; her family had gone the same way too and thats how she wants it to end#and its just. augh. not my brain adding more angst rn#where her one & only friend notices#and is the one bringing her to all her doctor's appointments (outside jericho ofc. she knows her wife would know the instant had she been#diagnosed there) and like. Larissa getting more and more suspicious of their outings and accuses r of infidelity#.......and at this point r is just. done. and lies.#and gets out of Larissa's life. and everyone's just. shocked & devastated#R leaves but also begs her friend to go away. because she's just counting her days at this point. and you know what#the kicker here is that they agree knowing this was the last act of kindness they could give her.#AND LARISSA STILL DOESNT KNOW.#and wouldnt have known until Wednesday had a vision of a phonecall that'll shatter her#........shit. im crying again haha#anyways i love cinematic orchestra's i built a home <3 it really gives me such the best angst storylines#personal.txt#clown.txt#mod lee speaks stuff#idea.txt#larissa weems#larissa x reader#larissa weems x reader#lee writes#lee writes stuff#my fic
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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