#anyway pity party over
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Aa realizing I'm probably just gonna have to be okay with posting sketches more often.
As much as I love pouring my heart into a piece and showing it off, I am simply not in the headspace nor have the energy to juggle big pieces and everything else.
Aa
#text post#just rambling#more like speaking into the void#haha aaa#i hate giving up on my vision but ya kno. stressing myself out for art defeats the purpose for me#a hard thing to be okay with#but im dealing with! a lot rn#so haha art cannot be an added stress or i will die /exag#im doing my best and thats okau#ill be alright btw. dont worry too too much!!!#trying so hard not to need a break#i dont wanna break :(((((#just wanna be okay#augh#anyway pity party over#insert toothless dancing gif now
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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having a good day is so wild like what do you MEAN I'm not miserable and unmotivated and crushingly apathetic and absolutely exhausted brain fog just want to sleep???
#makes me realise oh. i am not well normally#whoops#i think. i think its side effects from the birth control which im supposed to give three months to stabilise#i do not think it was always this bad#the trouble with me is i cannot ever remember what it was like before#like ive never been good since i was about eleven#but i think this is a higher level of bad for me#worst thing is its still better than it was before#i could not continue having one week of every month be absolutely world consuming depression having to fight so hard to keep myself safe#that was just not continueable#so we tryin#cos yeah its shit and there's been periods where i can barely function#but ive been safe#and its not been all consuming#and its definitely got better so fingers crossed 🤞#the world doesn't hurt today and things are relatively easy#i dont get that very often and it's nice#ANYWAY pity party over lmao#many others have it so much worse#mine
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god im literally failing at every aspect of life.
#like im living my life WRONG just objectively. it would be fine if i was happy but im#not even happy. wow 🥴#this is not a helpful or useful sentiment i know but like. what the fuck ever#.txt#anyway. fine. self pity party over for the day 🙄
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#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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i am in a way better mood today bc i actually got a little sleep but there is a deep self loathing monologue in my head that i just can’t shake
#it’s like hmm i am such a piece of shit that doesn’t do anything#and i complain and whine but never actually help myself or try#i have so many late bills and no clean clothes and rotten food all over my room#i’m so bad at being an adult and i’ve failed myself over and over and i don’t wanna keep doing it#i wouldn’t even know how to start liking myself or trying to be better all i can focus on is dying#life feels so unfulfilling and lonely all the time so why would i fight for it anyway#blah blah blah pity party whatever shut up#pink’s word vomiting
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i hate how i feel doing or not doing certain stuff for/because of the pain + fatigue since im a fat person :///
#p#id feel double standard-y shame (my favvvvv) abt it anyway#but its like. i took the elevator up to the break room just now n it always feels like everyones watching me do it#n judging or smth. like ya im also not in shape n thats like my fault etc n that would help these things be easier too#like especially on days ive worked i dont wanna go w ppl walkin the dog cuz im in a lotta pain#n w all of this i feel like a lazy piece of shittt which. like i said..id never think abt anyone else#even another person who isnt thin#or in shape etc#anyway. on lunch break now when theres lots to do (we have more ppl now at least tho)#n i feel like im such a loser cuz i rly needed to sit+rest n eat#also for my brain cuz i get overwhelmed n weird anyway but. -___- i gotta get over itttt fuck offfffff#i feel enough dumb bad stuff abt not doing 'Enough' but adding this makes it feel worse bleh#im big into shame idk !#working (sorta. its not rly working akdhdj) on not feeling negative n bad abt the word fat#i wouldnt randomly call someone that irl or anything#but i know ppl on here are wanting it to be more normalized n that its not an inherently bad thing/word#but. :(((#not another good word for it so yknow w/e#ok im gonna try to stop pity partying thru a break#especially when ill have less than an hourrrrr after this yay
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i want a game like jade empire again
#Shitpost#and by that i mean a game that keeps going when you think its over#AND a game where like. Even every sidequest is tied so tightly thematically to the main world and story#everything just laid out with CLEAR intent and purpose#not an insignificant moment to be found from the beginning to the end#everything in the game is about The Problems#The politicism or the Very Specific Past or the issue with the dead#Which are ofc all related to Dirge which in turn tie to your character#Also i like jade empire as a solo combat game.#yes you have companions but 90% of the time i have them in passive mode#Even the fucking. Quest where you join a play. Is key to the political plot and just lays out the corruption for you to see#Also Deaths Hand is SUCH a good villain. 1. Constant threat. 2. A walking dead which ties into the plot#3. KILLS ONE OF YOUR COMPANIONS NO MATTER WHAT#4. In the end you pity him. You PLAY AS HIM if youre on the Open Palm path#5. In Closed Fist hes the 'reward companion for evil players who killed their party' but by god hes fascinating#And you can tell he doesnt even like. Have a true will of his own its just that his soul is tied to you now etc#Anyways. Jade Empire has like. Both moments in the throne room feel like the end. And its just soooo good
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Move It Move It Station is making me cry.
#splatoon#aiko plays squid games#octo expansion#what makes it worse is that technically I have it completed#only because the person sitting next to me when I was struggling with it last week wanted to try#and proceeded to beat it in two tries#but I still need to beat it myself for my own knowledge that I can do it#it just feels really wrong to me to have someone else's accomplishments on my save lol#so now I just feel even worse that I have dumped 10k credits into this and not once have I even survived to the halfway point#realistically it doesn't help that I'm running on low sleep though#and I'm probably emotionally compromised because I can't stop comparing myself to other people and feeling worse about it#sigh#I was feeling so confident yesterday I'm certain this is just brain chemicals#which makes it worse because every time I have to be reminded that my well-being is controlled by random chemicals#I just feel really helpless and that I will never have any control over my life anyway so what's the point#but I also know I'll be fine once I get more sleep and a decent meal#my brain is just too busy throwing a pity party to let me sleep and it's frustrating
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*drags hands down face*
well, books came in at the library and I'm currently about halfway through Nona. and it feels at this point like no matter what I do, I'm going to wind up experiencing this series like banging my head against a wall
like, I was quite enjoying the first several chapters! there's finally some of the broader worldbuilding that I wanted to see on-screen! the character dynamics are crunchy and interesting! and then it just feels like, the closer anything from the overall series plotline gets, the more I end up vaguely cranky and frustrated??
I'm pretty sure it's not even a quality-of-craft thing either, I think it's just that some (combination of some?) thing(s) about the story, I'm personally bouncing off of really hard. and yet there's enough else that I do enjoy scattered throughout, and I'm invested enough in some of the characters and metaphysical puzzles, that I don't want to just not finish it. grumble grumble, sink into a disgruntled floor puddle, etc.
#I don't even know what the point of this post is#I just want to go back to 'slice of life about space refugees with weird embodiment situations'#negativity cw#...actually no I do know some of why I keep fixating on this whole thing#it's that I'm getting the 'something wrong with you for not liking this thing' gremlins kicking around in my brain again#while also not thoroughly able to identify/express what IS the aspect I'm bouncing off of#mm yeah anyway pity party over going the fuck to sleep like a (vaguely borderline almost) responsible person#James liveblogs books#content is for other people
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One final left for the semester. My third final this week and fifth exam in two weeks. I don’t think I have it in me.
#DON’T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IT’S A FUCKING TRAP#I mean it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it’s also fun sometimes#but then there are the daily and weekly horrors#so it’s a trade off I guess#after Thursday I will be 1/3 of the way to clinical clerkships#I don’t know if I can do another semester#anyway pity party over time to go study some more#personal
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Been feeling kinda down in the dumps lately and it's not entirely about but is related to *waves hand vaguely* all that a few months back. Cause like, I don't really have close friends? I'm 28 years old and the only person I regularly hang out with is my partner. And it's not like I was a super active participant in the server or think I was particularly close friends with anyone in it, but at least it was ambient interaction. It let me pretend I was part of something and covered up the fact that, irl, my relationships are stagnating.
And I can't tell if it's my fault or not! I don't often "do activities" I can invite friends to or meet new people at and I'm terrible at reaching out to and staying in contact with folks (and on my worse days what comes bubbling up is the longstanding suspicion that I'm just not a very interesting or likeable person so why bother anyone 🙃). But also, which of my friends are reaching out to me? Or inviting me to activities? Who is letting me know they care about my presence? And I know my friends who aren't doing that Can have closer friendships bc I see them do it with other people! So it's specifically me who isn't given that effort.
Which is stupid, I should just get my shit together and reach out more, take the first step to strengthen my relationships, put in the work. Let people know I will return any effort they give me instead of routinely falling off the face of the earth because social interaction stresses me out. But I'm bad at that and it's hard and scary and difficult to feel like it's even worth trying to figure out how to improve when the last time I did that to any extent (definitely not saying I did a good job tbc) I ended up entirely losing a group I really thought would be in my life long term.
#'you became part of a group once you can do it again!' that was my partner's friend group I was grandfathered in#turns out I wasn't even invited to join the game on my own merits I was the dm's attempt at an emotional support dog for my partner#'you literally hung out with ppl yesterday' and I won't again for another 2 weeks. a gaming group is good and fine and I Do appreciate them#honestly they're the closest I have to a friend group rn. but I Don't Know how to get closer#I'm so grateful they still like me despite my being terrible at messaging back but their respecting that space means we don't talk often#'have you considered trying to make friends outside of gaming?' with what interests! with what skillset! with what car or time or money!#anyway I'm just whining. get the fuck over it#personal#otter free zone#my partner doesn't need to see this pity party
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⛈️ //
#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing#so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.#anyway… just… …#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired#ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this#but i have to just. deal with.#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them#to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation#im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well#& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins#joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.
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i think turning 25 is what has pushed me over the edge to be completely honest. like it's forced me to confront how pathetic my life is
#like there are so many milestones i havent reached and am nowhere near reaching. and it's honestly so embarrassing#and on one hand i know life is not a race etc comparison is the thief of joy or whatever#but it's becoming clearer and clearer as time passes that. like. i am the problem fr. and i dont know how to change or if im capable of it#.txt#anyway. self pity party over now
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sigh. when is mark coming back.
#at least mark makes things interesting#i thought hed just be there after is intro but he wasnt in the last episode#george just sucks for real#like hes throwing himself a pity party every day adn then wondering why things arent getting better#hopefully after this hell be better but like. whatever#derek also sucks tbh like hes not even trying to get over meredith and hes pretty much actively making it impossible for her to let go of h#but noooo meredith is the one that sucks. like ugh#cant wait for george to#anyways#watching greys anatomy
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