#so I appreciate all moments of connection because I am really very lonely and have 0 irl friends lolsob

[4th-make-quail]

I have to admit guys, I'm having a really shitty time at home atm so these memes are actually really helping me feel a bit better 😭😭 thank you to all you guys who ever send me asks or chat in replies or discord or dms, I really appreciate it more than you know 💚

[galene-gothic]

𝖸𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿, 𝖿𝗎𝗍𝗎𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗀𝗎𝗂𝖽𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES TIP JAR

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 1 ꒱

꒰ Your current self ꒱

Currently, you’re in a state of ‘pause’ is what I’m getting. Your perspective is different from what it once used to be but you’ve not fully developed it yet. You think that you’re starting a new, like you’re still building foundations for your character and life. You could be confused about what to choose and how to move forward because there are just so many things that you want to do but there’s also a sense of curiosity and hope about where you’re being led to. You seem to be hurting emotionally and pretty low physically too. The pain that you experienced seems to have affected your mindset, hormones and hence, your focus, and body in general. You could be feeling more tired these days and I’m picking up on a sense of burn out. Some of you are carrying on working despite this sense of burn out and lack of focus that you feel while the rest of you have sort of broken down. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you cry a lot or are just genuinely really hurting. There were bitter endings, possibly one after another for some of you, it’s just hard to process it all. You could find your heart hurting, chest hurting or your posture being very bad with your shoulders and back slouching down. Emotionally, you seem to have dealt with major fights or drama. There is a competitive energy that I am picking up on from other people and even you. Due to how competitive they were being, you could have acted accordingly too but it led to connections ending. Much of it was not even competitive, it was outright aggression and power that they were trying to place, and have over you. You seem to be in a state of mourning. Somehow these moments of feeling emotionally unfulfilled, left out and no connection with others is what’s caused you to come out to be more in your power. You desire status, morality and power, every time that you’ll get distracted, you’ll get hurt and that hurt will redirect you into this mode of desiring respect, status, morality and power. Some situation where you put a lot of effort and tried to see through end up breaking you down and it could have caused you to be aware of your childhood issues. You’re growing into a more empowered version of yourself but for right now, you are in a state of pause. You desire power, status, control, etc. but due to this pause state, you aren’t being able to cultivate it or go after it. You have a desire for selfless service or you just enjoy giving, you’ve fallen victim to receiving the shorter end of the stick in the past and have started really valuing mutuality, reciprocation and equal give, and take. You pretend to have it all in front of others even if you may not. You tend to feel lonely too but decide to maintain inner abundance and gratitude while moving forward. It is definitely difficult for you to feel abundant though, you’re not feeling emotionally fulfilled. You are choosing to live with your passionate and fiery nature or you just naturally are doing so, and have a silent power due to all that you’ve learned from past experiences. You also keep your emotions and what you’ve gone through close to your chest, and mind so that your mind can process it and learn from it. Your heart has turned sort of iron-like and it would be difficult to melt it. You feel pretty lonely though. You seem to love to enjoy spending money. Like, it could be a way to cope honestly but yes, you’re trying your best.

꒰ Your future self ꒱

Your future self is someone mature who takes life seriously. Mentally, they’re going to be thinking about wanting happiness within the house and love. They’re going to be thinking about sex a lot as well. I’m picking up that you either already think about sex a lot or used to but have a low libido ever since the realisation of whatever tragedy occurred in your life hit you 💀. Either way, your sex drive is going to be high. You’re going to be carrying the realisations of past heartaches and will have learned your lessons. You’ll be craving love pretty deeply though. For some of you, this could be a future self who’s already in a relationship. They’re going to be nurturing, loving and almost mother-like in nature. You’re going to have stepped into your power and will have grown a lot. You’re going to be aware of your darker sides and weaker sides, and will be working with both of them. You’re going to be a bit “me, me, me” because you’ve always been “others, others, others” in the past and they kicked you, and left 😍. You’ll still be craving deep, devotional love though. You will just want the quality of love to be high or you won’t want it. Also, emotionally you’re still not gonna be over things yet but you’ll be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and will be recovering since things will not be as fresh any longer. You’re going to be craving old school and traditional connections romantically, and in terms of friendships, you’ll want ethical friends who would stick by you and remain ever loyal. You’re going to be very soft hearted, sensitive and loving. I’m also picking up on you being competitive and drama not scaring you as much anymore. You will look at others trying to fight with you or intimidate you as something flattering because why do they give a damn about you? You’ll be focused on your goals most definitely, almost aggressively focused. “You either assist me, move out of the way or let me walk from on top of you” is the energy that I’m getting from your future self. You’re going to have a lot of empathy for other people’s pain but not at your expense. You’re going to be very loving, there’s no doubt of that. Your future self is going to be very careful regarding extremes of any situation. If they’re trusting someone too much, they’re going to pull themselves together, if they’re getting angry and yelling, at the moment they may not realise it but later they’re going to be like “I shouldn’t have behaved that way” and will try to control their anger better going forward. You are possibly going to be someone who’s rejecting people left and right until you find someone who truly does appeal to you.

You are going to be quite an over thinker and could have other’s words, and actions weigh on you. I’m getting that you might have to deal with other people trying to drag you down by humbling you, humiliating you or just talking shit about you (to your face or behind your back). You’re going to be guarded and unwilling to do too much for free, and will prefer loneliness over disrespect. You’ll have a lot of inner strength and will be persevering forward, trying to do your best. You’re going to be someone who’s difficult to break externally but yes, you’ll either be dealing with sleep issues, overthinking and breaking down by yourself, etc. but will not allow others to see you break or even if you do, you’re going to make sure to continue pushing forward. I would say that you’re very admirable indeed. You’re going to be a bit cold hearted and demanding, desiring bonds that are well matched on all levels especially value wise. You’re going to want to work together with people who are willing to put in equal effort and are capable of learning, and teaching in connections and any other setting. “You either meet me at my level or you die.” Also, you’ll have many qualities that you’re going to want within them. Others could consider your hopes and standards to be unrealistic but yes, as long as you’re capable of giving what you want, you shouldn’t have to lower them. You’re still going to be healing and the pain that you’ve experienced so far is going to be something that will have stuck with you, making you fear instability and crave deep connections that are ride or die in nature. “You’ll meet thousands who like you, there will be one who you’ll spend your life with.” “You’ll find thousands of friends when you’re happy, there will only be one who you share your sorrows with.” You’re going to be very stable and grounded within yourself, and will be building a strong character, you’ll have already built a pretty strong one by then. You are going to have a mature, wise and provider kind of mentality, so you’re going to want a partner and people in your life who matches accordingly. You could very well feel like you’re out of place from rest of the people your age because they may say things like “you’re still young, have fun. Don’t take relationships too seriously” but it’s going to be in your nature to do so. You’re going to feel so grown and traditional, you’re going to have many old school values and will value the ethical way of living, wanting people who are similar to you to be friends with and get into relationships with.

꒰ What do you need to spend more and less time doing ? ꒱

You need to spend more time letting go of the idea and obsession with romantic love. Instead of wondering why you and your love has been rejected or neglected time and time again, you need to think about and understand how and where you’ve been crushing the personal progress that you’ve made as a person in order to please other people or by falling victim to peer pressure. You need to understand that certain people, things and situations are just a wastage of time, and effort. You also need to understand that you didn’t have a long term vision when it came to romance in the past because if you did, you wouldn’t have put yourself in situations that seemed to be leading to nowhere. You used to have an inferiority complex and used to doubt your ability to be loved by anyone. It was very deep rooted and so you acted out in ways that weren’t authentic to you. While, you may think that certain outcomes were unexpected and yes, certain outcomes were in fact unexpected because you seem to have been betrayed by those you invested a lot into, not all of them seem to be romance related, you’ve been let down even in platonic relationships. You’re being told to learn how to discern and instead of putting effort into situations, and people that are likely going to fail and disappoint you, focus on yourself. “Make the most of your life, while it is light, while it is rife.” You really need to redirect your focus onto yourself. Set aside the desire for love of any sort. Even if you feel the desire, which is okay, learn how to set it aside and have your focus on your own growth instead. You’re being told to learn how to present yourself in a way that’s beautiful to you. Set any and all desires for external validation aside, and figure out what it is that you truly like, what it is that you find to be beautiful, how do you personally like to adorn yourself? “You don’t need a boyfriend, you need hobbies, skills, a strong identity and a life.” You may have always gravitated towards some sort of art but may not have been able to develop it to the fullest extent that it could reach which leads to lack of confidence within you. You’re being told that it’s your calling to some extent, even if you’re not supposed to monetise it, you’re supposed to learn it so you’re always going to be called to it, so you should invest into these skills. You’re being told that isolation is a blessing. You’re being told not to be dramatic and impatient about love, if it is meant to find you, it will, and if it’s not, worrying about it will do nothing. You’re being told to mature and let go of the past completely. As in, you’re being told not to keep any space in your heart for ‘a first love’ or ‘the one that got away’, etc. Understand that it’s in the past and the past doesn’t exist, and the way they hurt and betrayed you or at least left you behind. You’re being told not to ruminate over issues from your past and instead heal them without letting yourself be emotionally shaken by them. Including issues from your childhood and school years, or whatever past you may have had during what I consider to be your formative years. You’re being told to be completely honest with yourself and accept that you’ve had negative and possibly manipulative behaviours in the past too.

I’m getting that you’re a very funny person. Some of you could have decided to manipulate someone in order to gain their affection but you got attached to them instead and forgot about your plan just because you’re that much of a loving bitch 💀. For the most part though, you have always been pretty loving and genuineness comes so naturally to you, that’s why you failed in whatever this plan or these plans were. You need to accept that your connections have been ingenuine so far, not because of you but because of your inability to be your authentic self and also other’s personal issues. You do not need to feel guilty about having ingenuine intentions initially because you didn’t even follow through. Everything you did, was in fact for affection too. As long as you received love and connection, you were not interested in manipulating anyone and acting all strategic. You seem to have always been unlucky and lonely in love, and I’m not just talking about romantic love but despite this, there’s also been some luck that you’ve had. Anyone you’ve connected with, no matter where it led, if it even led to anything, has taught you a lot and connected to you in an almost soul level. While, you seem to have struggled to present yourself authentically, those who had to see you, did see you, maybe not to the fullest extent but you received their understanding and space within their thoughts, and emotions, and that’s your blessing. If you recall properly, you’ve had at least one person adore you at almost any point of life. You’ll also never be forgotten by them because the connection seems to be kind of irreplaceable honestly. You’re yearned for and adored, and loved so deeply, and so dearly, you may not even be aware of it because these people may not feel comfortable enough expressing their affection for you due to you being inauthentic in your actions and living because they are still human, and they still don’t know if they’re just imagining certain things about you. You need to see the truth of situations and heal, and grow from situations. Forgive yourself, others and release any pain, forget past people and experiences completely. Be optimistic and remember that it gets better, only if you let it. Spend more time being honest with yourself and learning how to be present, learn how to deal with homesickness by becoming your own home instead of finding temporary solace in the nostalgia of past experiences. Learn how to create yourself and present yourself in the way you’d like, and how to create in general. Learn how to create and craft your life as you’d like, and spend more time living and doing rather than thinking, and weeping. Always remember “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” You need to spend less time being indecisive about investing into connections or investing into them further. You need to be honest with yourself about what’s going on i.e. if someone treated you well in the past but has switched up recently, you need to accept the current version of them and not let them consume you or have a hold on you emotionally. “The moment you feel like you’re competing with someone else for affection, connection and to be chosen, you’ve lost.” You don’t need to know and understand everything but you need to make difficult choices in regard to seeing the reality of things.

Some of your connections weren’t or aren’t as deep as you might think, you may be deeply incompatible and it is okay to accept it, and give up. “You’re allowed to choose too.” You need to understand that you’re not helpless, you’re allowed to unchoose people, you’re allowed to unlove people. If people leave you behind or start acting distant or like they do not want you, it’s not your responsibility to make things right or even think about them. You’re allowed to continue your life the best that you can with gratitude and being present instead of thinking about what occurred. “You’ll be much happier if you do not think about the past, do not romanticise connections but instead find beauty in your present moment and practice gratitude.” You also need to stop being so generous and giving. Learn how to not give too much of yourself to anyone and not give to anyone who doesn’t reciprocate. “There are other people pleasers in the world too, let them please you. You do not have to be the one to extend an invitation for connection every single time.” You need to stop having hope and daydreams about connections that are not grounded in reality, and stop being loving to everyone. “Your love is sacred, learn how to gate-keep it.” You’re being told that doing things for people, being nice to people, reaching out first, etc. being all loving does not mean people are going to choose you. Also, just because people chose someone else over you doesn’t mean they made a good choice. Stop seeing hope and potential in hopeless people, and don’t act out of emotions for them, understand that everything in life is an investment and negotiation, and on the long term, emotions may not always be fruitful but common sense definitely is. Sometimes making premature decisions is the best that you will do for yourself. The spirit is telling you that you do not need to give chances or get to know people and situations deep enough to decide what you want to do with them. “You do not have to drink the entire ocean in order to know that the water is salty.” Give up on thinking about the ‘what if’ way of thinking because if they cared enough, there would be no space for the ‘what if’ way of thinking. “Your affection won’t be valued unless it’s earned.” You just need to give up on trying to get people to like and love you. You need to stop giving yourself away to others and giving them chances to show themselves if they’ve already disappointed you in any way. You need to stop giving your affection away for free just because no one seems to want to claim it for themselves :(. Choose yourself, even if it leads to loneliness. You tend to feel like you don’t belong anywhere, like no one has loved, understood, prioritised and chosen you. You also probably know that you’ve given a lot to others in hopes of receiving just something, just anything but you need to stop placing yourself at such low value, that’s when you’ll be loved and people will try to understand, and choose you. Your desire for giving and receiving love, and attention should not take away your reasoning skills and value. Thank you for reading, much love and take care.

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 2 ꒱

꒰ Your current self ꒱

Right off the bat, you’re taking the landslides that you survived and turning them into mountains for you to climb. You’re a loving person who thinks about romance and sex a lot. Also, beauty and being attractive. You desire being someone’s crush and the kind of romance that you seem to want to experience is romance where it feels like you’re soulmates, are deeply and primally attracted to each other, not just physically or character wise but as a whole, as if it’s just the other person that you were looking for and vice versa. “No one else compares” is what I heard. You also want them to have a crush on you for the rest of your lives and you want to feel the same kind of attraction towards them. You want to feel your heartbeat quicken, face heating and feet happily start swinging at the mere sight of them. This is so cute. However, at the same time, right now you are more self sufficient and want to be by yourself for a bit. I just heard the saying “if you try to catch butterflies, they will fly away but if you spend that time building a beautiful garden for yourself, the butterflies themselves will come flying to you.” I think you know that right now, you will probably not meet the kind of person you desire and even if you do, you want to be focusing on yourself so that you can connect with them authentically. Your beauty and attractiveness seems to be your focus too. You make an effort to look good on a daily basis. You’re also someone who doesn’t express yourself too deeply right away. You have accepted the cycles of life and count your blessings, and things to be grateful for rather than the shortcomings that everyone has in life, in one form or another. You have accepted that life has ups and downs but are in a much more stable place now, you’ve also attained a lot of wisdom and are flowing according to your destiny, even if you feel like it’s not like that, you are. Some of you here feel assured about your future despite not knowing everything about it because there’s just this awareness that things will turn out alright. Someone here has been seeing 222 a lot recently. You’re a very charitable person who gives to others without asking for anything in return. You desire to be more giving and service oriented but just know that you’re already giving what you can, and have always done so. You’re a very abundant person and I think you lean more towards the glamorous side in regards to style, appearance and charm.

Despite your independence and glamorous way of presenting yourself or wanting to do so, your kindness, giving and down to earth charm kind of just shine through. No matter what you may wear and how independent you may be, when in public, you look out for people, try to help them if asked, offer them something that you may be eating, etc. Also, maybe because you present yourself so well, others offer you help and free things. You’re also someone who just because you do things for people or they do things for you, you do not just let them into your life, you still try to vet them properly or just decide that you won’t let them enter your life right at the start. Emotionally, you’re very strategic and also keep things close to your chest. You understand that people could be lying to you, fooling you or may just not have the best intentions towards you so you maintain secrecy too. You’re self protective and private with your emotions, not wanting to talk about certain things to certain people. You deeply value intimacy, honesty and peace, and you know that even if no one else in the world gives that to you, you can give it to yourself. You value self care and know that when you’re emotionally vulnerable, it’s best to take your space. You probably love your bed a lot these days especially if it’s winter wherever you live 💀. You do not try to force things and instead patiently wait for emotional connections that are meant for you to find you. You can also acknowledge how far you’ve come and feel proud of it but yes, you do desire more. You desire recognition and want to be valued, and praised. You probably have some dream that you want to fulfil and you’re being told that you are capable of achieving it. You’re also a naturally abundant and content person. You’re letting go of many insecurities or issues but every-time you feel like you’ve let them go, you end up realising that you still kind of hold onto them. You are especially a very possessive person who wants people for yourself. You’re not toxic but you like to experience life and especially love, and romance wholeheartedly, you want it to consume you, you want to heavily indulge into it. You want to have the space to give to the other person, to almost devote and sacrifice yourself to them, and you won’t feel safe enough to do that unless someone is yours to keep.

꒰ Your future self ꒱

Your future self is someone who is emotionally fulfilled and puts emotional abundance as something very important to them. They think that the reason emotions are being used against each other in this world is because humans are deeply emotional beings and as long as one can control their emotional state, nothing will overpower them or have control over them. They have a fiery personality and goals, and are just unabashedly charming, full of life and going after what they want. They’re also very witty and curious about things. They’re someone who is unwelcome at a community because of competition. Others tend to compete with them and just treat them aggressively or passive aggressively, trying to humble them. “You’re not all that” is what I heard. They are principled and ethical. They are also down to earth and genuine intentioned so when all of this happens. They’re going to accept that connections didn’t progress as they had wished and will be bringing out a more firm and stern side of them compared to the friendly, fiery and warm side that they had previously greeted others with. They’re a reasonable person who won’t pick beef with people without being picked on first and in fact, even on being picked on, they won’t say anything back but will not let themself break down in front of the people who are trying to bring them down. Despite, the external tensions, their inner abundance will not be depleted, in fact, they’ll only find it flattering that others are so affected by them. Also, at that time, you’re going to be feeling like whoever is hating on you, trying to bring you down or is creating fights and chaos with you isn’t even all that. I have a feeling that you’ve already dealt with something similar to this because you seem to know exactly how to go about it. It is going to make you feel unstable most definitely but you’re going to keep in mind to tap into your inner strength and continue pushing forward with self control, and a compassionate, soft and therefore fierce energy. Despite everything that they’ll be putting you through and it inevitably interrupting your peace in some way and you feeling pretty left out from community.

Also being more reserved and cold in contrast to yourself in the past, you’re going to continue pushing forward as a controlled and compassionate person, you’ll also be waiting for better days to come but will already be fairly content with where you are at. ‘IT girl’ by Aliyah’s interlude is energy that I’m getting from your future self. Whatever they’ll be doing and however they will be treating you is only going to motivate you to do more, be more and win more in the future. You’re going to be feeling determined to work hard and succeed. You’ll have developed really strong willpower by then. You already seem to possess it but in the future, you’ll be more fearless? You’re going to have let go of many of your insecurities and will not be willing to let anyone strip you off your power. You’re going to be very powerful, choosing to take it back again and again if necessary. You’re going to have many options at that time and will have a slight coldness, knowing your boundaries and maintaining them even if it’s considered cruel or excessive. You’re going to be fiercely protecting yourself without even saying anything, you will just be holding up well and with self control, choosing to not let their words and actions get to you. You’ll want to be yourself at all costs that’s for sure and you’ll be doing a very good job at that. Actually, at some point, you may say something, not early on. You’re someone who can take a lot until you eventually burst. You’re also someone who doesn’t express frustrations to others but instead just grows from whatever they made you go through. That’s going to be a place and environment where you’ll either learn how to stand up for yourself verbally, will already be doing so or will simply just win by actions, and decide that that’s what works best for you. ‘Wannabe’ by ITZY and ‘obsessed’ by Mariah Carrey (alongside the song I mentioned earlier) is the energy that I’m getting here. Your future self has a lot of haters, stay prepared and brace yourself for what’s to come.

꒰ What do you need to spend more and less time doing ? ꒱

You seem to have experienced moments that pretty much pulled the earth from right beneath your feet. It was very difficult to make sense of everything and you had to deal with the fear that came with unavoidable changes and hence, unavoidable circumstances. These sudden changes happened related to some commitments, it could have simply been committed and stable friendships or relationship that you had worked hard to build that turned out to not be as much as you thought it was. You seem to have invested heavily though. If not, there was some sort of an institution or community that you left behind, by choice or force. “A major sacrifice but clueless at the time” is the energy that I’m getting here. For example, if you left your previous school, you could have terribly missed it, if you left your home town, you could have missed that instead, etc. Many emotions were connected, you had tried to be ever loving and empathetic, trying to give the best of you to certain people, connections and situations but it led to you not being able to fix anything because these people were twisting your words and actions based on their own personal insecurities, maturity and values at that time. I’m getting that you were trying to lovingly make them understand you and your emotions, and also listen to their own thoughts and emotions so that you can correct anything that may have hurt them but their main focus was on misunderstanding you even if at that time, they tried to make it seem like they were interested in fixing things or like they were dealing with the situation with maturity when that wasn’t the case. Some sort of self forgiveness had to take place and it did. It seems like before all of this chaos occurred, you had made significant progress as a person, character wise or so it seemed so when you ended up straying away from it and the realisation of it hit you, it just led to some mourning and questioning, also regrets. However, you are a fair person and you’re able to accept if you may have done somethings wrong, if you made mistakes too but mostly, you did realise that there was a sense of unfairness and were desiring fairness. Since, you had that understanding that the world isn’t fair, you could have started believing in karma or you literally experienced karma. For example, you did something that affected someone else but you experienced a similar or possibly even the exact same situation or well, this is just confirmation that you and others are going to have to reap what you sow, that it can’t be avoided so if others have done you wrong, just let it go and if you have done others wrong.

Just accept what’s to come and try to perform good karma to balance it out. It was something that required you to have to restart, to rebuild from within and also the outside. You were trying your best to stay controlled. At that time you were trying to practice self compassion so that you’d feel better and also so that you’d be able to extend your compassion outwards. There was acknowledgment that the grass is in fact greener on the other side. You diligently worked on yourself and life itself which led to you meeting parts of you that most people would much rather not see about themselves but though fears and confusion could have popped up and most likely did, you only used it to grow further. You grew to become more mature, wise and emotionally intelligent through what you experienced within your psyche. You also got more in touch with your personal charms and are warm, also competitive as in, you want the best for yourself and will strive to get it. You’re a loving person who’s come to realise after many conflicts and illusions that true love is healthy and empowering, and in romance, two people hold each other to the highest regard, loving each other the most, without feeling the need to let their eyes and attention wander elsewhere. You also got really in touch with your own authentic love energy, pouring your love into yourself causing you to retake your power. You’ve grown to have even judgement and are being called to be your authentic self, you’re already being so to the best of your abilities. There’s a desire to be seen being your authentic self just because you’re shining brightly. You also want to be secretive and private despite shining. You want to have a persistent and strong personality where you don’t break but instead keep on going. You’re being told to join the world. You should spend more time becoming one with the world. You experienced others unnecessarily competing with you in the past and are abundant so aren’t connecting with people as much as you could be but you’re being told that it’s time now. You need to trust yourself enough to not let others take you for granted and need to let your guard lower just enough to connect with others because you’re going to learn a lot from them that will prove to be valuable to you going forward. If you’re delaying joining university or getting back to education or skill training of some sort, you’re being reminded that no matter what you may do, time is going to pass anyway. You’re being told that no matter how much strategy you may approach life and other people with, it’s not worth it. You deserve those who are interested in you and love you for who you are, and not the games you play or challenges you provide.

Feel hot, dress up, do your hair and makeup, try heels, go out, just spend more time taking care of your body and presenting it the way you like, also think about it positively while trying to maintain healthy habits in order to honour your own body. Make sure to stay true to yourself and if that’s not possible, remind yourself of the truths that you hold close, that you hold sacred and simply just ‘true’ whenever you stray away from them. Have fun, live life and explore the unlimited potential that you have. Free yourself from the trauma, limiting and negative beliefs, and mindsets placed upon you by the actions of other people. For some of you here, probably because it’s winter, you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, if you live in the southern hemisphere and it’s not cold for you, for some reason you could still have a bad sleep schedule. You’re being told that you need to get out of your bed first, the rest will follow. As soon as you wake up, after a while of lying, decide that you’re going to get up within three seconds and go for it. The three second rule is going to be a golden rule for you, you’re being asked to master it. There is also another rule that I’m picking up on. 555 rule where you should ask yourself “will this affect me in 5 minutes?” and if it does, ask yourself if it will affect you in 5 hours, days, weeks, months and years. If it doesn’t affect you for five years going forward, don’t spend more than five seconds stressing about it xD. Spend more time rebuilding and truly determining the value of things, and people. Build a mindset of growth where you’re focused on growing and also remember the lowest moments you’ve gone through which has left you in a place you’re currently at. You might have dealt with a low reputation and social/financial status where you were barely treated like a human at some point? Use it as a motivational drive for you to build more and more for yourself. You need to make sure to heal yourself and keep your mind as clean as possible. Don’t waste your energy, love and connection on those who aren’t ride or die, there will never be a way to determine if someone is loyal and ride or die because humans lie and always try to present themselves as being better than they truly are, all you can do is let people give up on you if they want to. Don’t hold onto connections too tightly, it isn’t always that you’ve done something wrong. You seem to know logically that it’s not up to you to make everything right but you like to try until the end so that you don’t have any regrets which is a good trait but you need to train yourself to let others go, to let them be, to let them think, feel and experience life the way they want to, if they think that it’s better off without you.

Find solace in solitude but be open to connecting. You’re allowed to be mad at people even after all this time because you seem to have been done pretty dirty at some point but crying over spilt cups doesn’t do anything. You’re being told to never forget your sorrowful and low moments, and how you managed to rise above it but also always focus on moving forward with love. Have love for yourself, for the world and everyone within it. Your genuine and thoughtful nature which causes you to notice little details such as how someone is looking for a pencil in their pencil bag just to not find it when the test has already started, etc. is what makes you so special. Your essence is entwined with love. No matter how happy you are, don’t forget the sorrow that still exists in the world. Use the knowledge and resources you’ve managed to gain so far to try, and help others. You do not have to do anything beyond your means but just do as much as you can. Always lead with love because the bravest leaders are able to hold love. Anyone can push their will without compassion for the rest of the people involved if put in a position of power. That’s dictatorship, not love. They’re usually resented or/and feared, not respected. Kind people who do not bend over backwards to please others but still lead with love and understand the reality of the world, the suffering of others and seek to love, to give, to serve are respected and become natural leaders, and role models. Aspire to be more loving and kind but don’t forget your negative experiences of the past, don’t let them have a hold on you but understand that some people, their minds, actions and intentions are so dirty, and disgusting that it is better if we do not even understand how they think because just five minutes into their psyche could leave people like us in a state of disbelief and lack of comprehension, pretty much traumatised. It would be difficult for us to even accept that someone can and does think that way, and that they exist in the same world as us. With that being said, spend more time compassionately extending yourself and your love to the world but don’t trust just anyone, don’t let just anyone in and understand that it’s sometimes better not to understand why people do what they do, and how they think, and how they truly are. Be discerning and understand that you don’t owe anything to anyone, you do owe certain things, qualities, actions and responsibilities to those you have personal connections with but don’t bend over backwards for the rest. Feel free to reject romantic connections without feeling bad, in fact, you need to do it more.

Understand that you’re not at a lack, I personally do not like to believe in the concept of ‘options’ but understand that there are a lot of possibilities and that you deserve the best, you deserve what you give out, don’t be thirsty enough to settle. Fiercely be yourself, defend yourself from the inside by not letting anything affect you even if you do not externally do it. Have faith that you’ll find the kind of people and connections you deserve, and desire, and don’t settle for anything less. Move on to bigger and better things, and leave anything, and everything behind if it doesn’t serve you well. Don’t regret anything, don’t forgive people in order to reconcile with them, don’t hold grudges but don’t forget the disrespect so that you’re not naive enough to let them or anyone put you in a similar position again. Don’t settle for being anything less than a priority. You need to get rid of the mindset that there’s always someone else. Understand that even if there is someone else, it doesn’t lessen your value. When the presence of a third party is made known to you, take it as a blessing, a sign that you deserve better than that and that it’s time for you to walk away. Real life of example of this is that you could be gold by there are people who still prefer silver despite gold being more valuable. Understand that you’ve done the best that you could and don’t be scared of changes, reflect on the changes you’ve already undergone and how they have affected you positively instead, and readily welcome changes. Do not act moody with others and don’t overextend empathy either. Carry yourself as though you’ve literally won a lottery worth a million dollars or even better, as if you’ve earned it. You’re being told that it’s time to let go of your childhood trauma or trauma related to beauty, attractiveness, etc. during your younger days. If you felt like you were romantically unlikeable back then, it’s okay. Think what you want but know that it’s not your reality anymore. There’s no need to feel hopeless and unattractive remembering past days, and events when you’ve so obviously changed. Stop thinking that you need to change anything about your standards, that they’re too high, etc. when that’s not the reality. Don’t change yourself for love and connections, and only engage when there’s mutuality and ethics involved. Don’t wake up all night overthinking. I’m getting really high cortisol levels for some of you. It’s like, when you get in bed, for a while you’re unable to sleep because when you try, you feel uncomfortable, you feel a tingly sensation that makes you want to fidget, you just feel irritable at that time honestly.

You’re being told not to overthink during the day and at night, and to try and go to bed early if possible. If you cry before bed after replaying the default negative thoughts or possibly even adding onto them, you need to minimise it until you stop completely. You’re being told to meditate at night, especially before bed. Don’t give up, you can’t afford to do so right now because I’m getting that some of you do not come from fortunate families where you’re naturally well respected, it’s something that you’ll have to earn. Others of you, even though you’ve grown a lot, there’s a certain standard that you hold yourself to and have a vision for. You’re bound to get there if you keep pushing forward but you do not need to be hard on yourself or disregard your value as you are. You are already who you want to be, you’ve just not received the peak that you desire yet but the core is still the same, when you become successful, you’re not going to ‘become’ someone because you’re already that someone, you’re just going to have more achievements to show for it at that time. You’re an overachiever in every aspect, you feel like you need to be witty, smart and intelligent person, who has a life and multiple things going for them but also someone who is well balanced in their work and home life, you think that you need to be emotionally available and understanding as well, and ethical, principled and respectable if you want to be loved, and that’s great. You should strive to maintain these skills and grow them accordingly but know that you are not unworthy of love just because you might fall short in certain ways and situations. Be nice to yourself, you’re just human and trying your best. You are doing well but this deep rooted belief of your unworthiness brought about by past experiences when you were younger and your mind was more impressionable still affects you, you seem to logically know that every thought that your mind comes up is not true but this belief is deep rooted, and is going to have to be pulled from the very root itself for it to stop bothering you. The most effective way of doing so is going to require self control and mental strength, when such thoughts come into your mind, affirm to yourself that they’re not true, remind yourself and just let those thoughts go, do it every time until you eventually start believing that it’s not true because as soon as something like that comes up, you already know that it’s not true. You’re doing very well already though, you’re just being told to continue going. “Stay optimistic” is what I just heard. Thank you for reading, much love and take care.

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 3 ꒱

꒰ Your current self ꒱

You are letting external stuff affect you internally and question, and change your beliefs, and mindset. You are questioning yourself, the purpose of life and seem really shaken internally. You are trying to have an even judgement but are struggling to focus on work, are ungrounded, burnt out, overworked and heavily burdened. You have an interesting personality, you feel like everything is your responsibility. Some of you had gotten rid of such traits in the past for a while but they just came right back and that’s because they weren’t plucked from the roots so the roots sprouted until it grew into something like this. You need to be nicer to yourself. So well, your judgement is slightly more even than before, you’re able to see things more clearly and now that that’s the case, you’re thinking about the cold, harsh and unrealistically high standards that you were demanded to meet while not even receiving something as basic as loyalty and respect. “Now and then I think of all the times that you screwed me over, making me believe it was always something that I had done” is the energy that I’m getting here. For some of you, you think that the grass is green right where you are, that you are stuck? I think there are multiple groups of people here. I’ll just characterise you all, one by one, the first one are hung up on someone from their past but are also angry at them so if the other person tries to talk to them or were to do so, they’d blow off. They seem to be feeling the connection deeply, having fears and have found different sides of themself due to the connection. They’re feeling things very intensely, they’re likely wanting to make up with the other person but feel out of control emotionally, they love their person a lot but there’s a lot of anger involved too. They are feeling pretty desperate, they do not even care if the other person wronged them because they feel like there was a reason, like the understanding that you have for the other person is not fair to you. The second group is desperately trying to make up with the other person and mad at themself even though it’s the other party that did them wrong? The third group is probably still with the person and is scared of leaving. The final group is farther off in their journey from the previous three. This group has an even judgement of the mistreatment she faced. I just heard ‘unpaid labour’ could be of any kind - mental, emotional or/and physical. All the groups are fearing the unknown but this group in particular is more disappointed than anything. This group is holding back from people and situations that could be similar in nature and tends to overthink but is focused on diligently working, this group is likely prioritising self, money, stability, education, skills, etc. above connections right now. They prioritise connections but only want them with people who are diligent, hard working, ethical and long term focused. A deep level of incompatibility is present with whoever you’re dealing with or dealt with in all the groups. The final group has a love for children, understanding just how innocent they are or they could hold a particular child dear to them, or a place with children around could have affected them significantly and they hold it dear. If not, they dream about their childhood, they reminisce about the past, they think about their hometown, they might in fact be in their home town, etc. If you belong to this group, I’m just going to talk to you in first person now. If you belong to the other groups, you’re free to read it because this is who you’ll grow into if you simply just find a little more courage and if you’re not planning on doing better, this reading is useless.

I’m saying it with peace and love but there’s no future self, you’re going to be stuck in this energy or even worse if you do not free yourself from it. You’re being warned, if someone has started acting up and disrespecting you, if you’re starting to hurt “don’t worry, this is just the beginning” is what you’re being told. However getting back to the final group of people, this group is mad that they ever thought they were meant for something so less, that they were acting so desperate for something or someone with little to no value. All of the groups are likely to have quite a temper. You sometimes end up comparing yourself and your achievements to other’s. However, you try to ground yourself by doing routine activities, to get you back in touch with reality. You have become intolerant after everything that you had to tolerate in the past. You still don’t understand certain things, you have fears, confusion and overthink just like others but this seems to be a channel for you to get to know yourself deeper, to form a deeper relationship and understanding of yourself so that you can be more at peace with yourself, and your life experience is richer. Not everyone has such an access to their own psyche, you do, you should make use of it. You tend to feel things very intensely and that has doomed you at times but you’re starting to heal, you have a chance to move on without any regrets. You could be realising that anything and anyone you lost in the past was not even all that after all, that they weren’t as valuable as you acted like they were 💀. “Was it just my emotions that made them seem so interesting and worth fighting for?” You desire connections to be so deep that it is almost codependent in nature, you might not accept it outwardly but think about it, what I’m saying is true. You want to blend and become one with the one you’re sharing your heart with. You’re struggling with feeling worthy and beautiful. While you’re not as down bad as the rest of the groups anymore, you’ve developed certain emotions and beliefs that aren’t accurate. The problem here is that your self worth is reliant on how others have treated you, how they treat you, etc. instead of who you truly are. Many of you here are doing well enough to know that it’s all in your head but you just become very vulnerable when the past issues come up, you’re unable to think straight because you just felt so unloved and unnurtured at some point that it was difficult to not relate your worth with it. You are very excessive as a lover or possibly even when you simply just love people, you might like to touch them, talk to them, write for them, just show your love to them in any and every way possible. Sometimes, you might not even want to separate from them at all. Right now, you seem to be a bit more distant though. You’re scared of connection and choosing to put yourself first even if it feels selfish sometimes. You have trust issues and doubt loyalty of others. You also feel like others have a misalignment of values causing you to not be able to connect with them even if you’d like. You’ve finally become biased towards yourself. You don’t mind not fitting in. In fact, you’re embracing being the misunderstood but innovative black sheep. You are supposed to use the rage, insecurities, doubts, everything as motivation to create yourself and life as you want it, and also to build more power and intellect. You’re on your way to grow to be so resourceful and action oriented that you won’t ask questions, you won’t chase anything, you’ll just know that what you want you’ll get it and if you don’t, it’s because there’s something else that’s better. You know that you have unlimited potential, it’s time to try and harness it, bring that potential to life and make something out of it because otherwise, it’s just that ‘potential’, nothing tangible will come out of it.

꒰ Your future self ꒱

Your future self is a powerful person who knows how to carry themself and is controlled. You’re also going to be someone who is reliable and understanding. Someone who is more action oriented. You’re going to be wise and have many decisions, you’re either already indecisive or are going to be like that at that time. You could just be torn between something at that time. Life will not be working in your favour, in fact, things that you didn’t even expect will have happened. For some of you, certain events that were out of your control but turned your world upside down have already happened, for the rest, it has not. However, you’ll have dealt with even more significant life changes by then. You’ll have a lot of responsibilities and burdens that you’ll be carrying mentally. You’re going to have an inner contentment but also an acknowledgment of your previous dreams having been broken. we You’ll still be recovering from the extreme changes that you’ll have experienced. You could possibly have a crush on someone at that time or might be in an innocent kind of a love relationship, could simply be a deep and mutual platonic connection too. I’m leaning more so towards a crush or a friendship because I’m getting that you’ll have too much going on in your life to be in a relationship though some of you could be trying. You’re going to be an emotionally intelligent person who wants a deep soulmate like connection otherwise. Even if you do not necessarily use that word, you’re going to want a deep, devoted and respectful connection where you see and choose each other, and each other only. You’re going to be desiring one on one connections definitely but I’m not getting any sort of desperation from your future self. They’re going to have healed a lot and will still be doing so, they’ll have forgiven and learned a lot as well, and will not be willing to settle anything less than what they desire. You’re going to have some confusions, overthinking and fears but mostly, you’re going to know yourself and have the ability to meet others at a very deep level. You’re going to have the ability to almost telepathically understand others. You’re going to have found out many truths about people and will have gotten a very deep dive into not your subconscious but the unconscious like random realisations of self, others and life will be coming to you out of nowhere. You’ll realise really deep side of yourself, others and life i.e. the dirtier sides too so you could be feeling humiliated. I’m not sure how to put it for you. It’s just going to be uncomfortable. Let me give an example, there was once a point when I deeply connected to someone. That person touched a very sensitive part of me that I was not even aware existed.

When we separated for some reason I thought it was all my fault and was being humiliated publicly too but the inner humiliation was much worst, now I’ve grown more aware of the other person’s motivations and dirtier sides, and have learned the deeper aspects of myself beyond just the sides that caused me to feel ashamed and humiliated. I feel like the feeling that I’m trying to describe is not being channeled out properly through words due to how is more of something that one experiences first hand than something that can be expressed through words. The way I remember back then is that it was a very confusing and overwhelming time but also otherworldly like I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel anything like it again due to how much self awareness I’ve cultivated and how one of a kind it was, plus I’m not as naive as I was back then. Back then, I was suddenly pushed into a place that felt unfamiliar and realising things about myself, others, and life. It felt scary, confusing and overwhelming. Especially because I was getting to know myself on a very deep level and my focus was on the negative, dirtier parts of myself but little did I know that overtime I’d understand myself deep enough to understand why these sides of me exist and also to see parts of myself that was once unknown to me. Also that the unnecessary shame and humiliation that I once felt would turn disappointment with others as I’d see their true colours and understand their intents. You’ll be regretting giving these energies so much power in the past. You’ll feel like you unnecessarily sacrificed so much and dealt with so much humiliation, and scrutiny. I wonder if you’ve already undergone whatever situation or event this is. You are going to be contemplating how stupid it was of you to let things get to your head or think that you were the problem in any way when you weren’t. You may have dealt with external humiliation too, you’re going to feel like you should have stood up for yourself and fought back. You’re going to be in a more stable position in life but will be dealing with issues with beauty, women, mother, females in general or possibly your own, or someone else’s lack of femininity and nurturing. You’re going to be healing and will be putting your personal matters, and self to be sacred. You’re going to want to or will have to spend a lot of time by yourself either by will or unavoidable circumstances. One thing that’s standing out strongly is that the door for the past is going to be almost completely closed. Your sex drive is going to be excessive but it will manifest more so as you having to masturbate every morning or/and night. Your libido is going to have grown with you 😭.

꒰ What do you need to spend more and less time doing ? ꒱

The issues that you’re dealing with are related to money, being a person of character, accepting life’s lows, accepting life’s endings and changes. Don’t get me wrong, you’re doing your best but there are better ways to deal with things. There’s this saying that goes “follow your dreams or desires” and well, life is short so you should follow your desires but I personally believe that the saying should go “follow your dharma (faith, good deeds, path of righteousness and virtue) alongside your kama (desires and pleasure)”, following your path is so much more important than following your desires because your path is right here, in the present, your desires can be grounded into reality overtime but you need to maintain a steady path first. Be a good and reliable figure to your community, and family even if they’re being difficult. Don’t do so to people please, do so because that’s right. Of course, if you’re being beaten and abused, that’s different. Also, understand that life is a cycle of good and bad. Some people have really simple and easygoing lives with their problems being very sophisticated. Such as, issues with visa, their love life going poorly or them not being invited somewhere. Some of us don’t have the privilege to have our love life or documents be our biggest problems. No matter where you belong on the ladder of wealth and no matter how low of a point you’re in, accept it and try to work with it by accepting things as they are. Don’t try to reminisce when things hadn’t changed yet unless you’re going to learn from it and instead accept changes, accept the negative circumstances and work to even them out. Treat people well even when you’re at your lowest and learn how to be the bigger person because trust me, you’re going to be very hard on yourself and hence, unhappy if you are unable to maintain a certain level of good character. Keep service in mind and instead of desiring for others to be kind to you, to receive favours from others, be the one who’s kind to others and gives them favours. Don’t give favours to those who don’t need or appreciate it like peers who are rich enough or have other people to help them but give it to poor children who might not have money to buy study material for school for example. You’re also being told that you’ll never be empty handed, don’t be scared of giving to those who can’t give back to you. Learn how to perceive people as ‘limited’, some people just don’t have it in them to match and meet you at the level that you need them to match, and meet you because that’s just their limit. You’re being told to give to those who truly need it but in the past, you’ve likely given to those who didn’t appreciate what you gave them and it felt unfair, it still does but you need to stop letting it weigh on your mind. You are not at a lack because the more you give, the more you receive, from elsewhere but you’re receiving. You are being told to stop giving to ungrateful people but to not feel bad about having done so in the past. You need to firstly make the decision to become a controlled individual who is the bigger person in situations, compassionate, loving and strong towards self and all and then to spend more time making sure you make this a reality.

Become more empathetic and develop more emotional intelligence, and wisdom i.e. also learning how to self regulate emotions better, controlling your attention to not let things get to you and learning how to not take things personally. You need to understand that people do what they do and that it often won’t have much to do with you and if it does, learn from it instead of letting it burden you. Make peace with yourself and forgive yourself, and others. Don’t let emotional issues weigh on you and don’t try to be responsible for other’s emotional well being, listen to them and be there for them if you want to but don’t carry it within yourself because it’s still their issue to deal with. Even if you try to help them, understand that it’s their karma to work through it and the only thing you can do is guide them, and the best way to guide them is by learning how to become the bigger person and by leading by example. You need to ground yourself better and passionately go after your goals, try not to hold any negative feelings or intentions towards anyone because one who holds a hot coal to throw it at someone else will only end up getting himself burnt. Keep your vision of a family in tact and strive to be the kind of person you’d want to share a family with, you are being told to keep your ego, pain and past resentments aside in order to look after your family and community. Treat people well while they’re around you even if you do not share a long term connection of any sort with them. The thing is that people won’t remember what your hair looked like, what you were wearing, etc. until you’re striking enough to have them remember how you made them feel. Besides, if your visual appeal is the most memorable thing about you, you need to start doing better in life. Spend time loving yourself and try to improve your focus, get rid of habits such as procrastination and spend more time by yourself, trying to build the life you desire. Also, learn how to be grateful and feel content with the abundance you already possess. For example, you don’t have good parents, friends or money but share a lovely bond with your siblings, understand that that in itself is a blessing. Just train yourself to see life as being half full instead of half empty. Spend less time in your mind. You feel passionately about your past, you’ve spent so much time in it after all but what you’re not realising or may have realised but aren’t being able to get rid of is how the issues of the past make you become that version of you temporarily or within your mind even though that’s not who you are anymore because there’s just a thin line between what was and what is. The energy that I’m getting is someone who was on the chubbier side and bullied for it being unable to get rid of the trauma despite being skinny. It doesn’t have to be the same thing but that’s the kind of mindset that you sometimes end up operating under. You know in your logical mind that you’re not who you used to be but it’s difficult for you to fully grasp it and get rid of what you identified with for such a long time. Whatever it is, the past you and the experiences you’ve had have caused you to have wounds concerning your self worth.

There’s this feeling of staying put mentally despite having had breakthroughs physically. For example, I was humiliated pretty badly for being ugly in middle school and it honestly feels like severe bullying to me despite nothing physical having happened so even though I’ve grown into my features, become prettier, understand that I didn’t deserve such cruel treatment simply because of the way I looked, the effects of that time have stuck to me. I do not like talking about myself because for the most part, I’m doing well and I know that I’m worthy but on certain days, the past just haunts me. Thankfully, I do not let it have a hold on me anymore though, you might be in a similar energy, you could be either in the same energy or the energy that I experienced earlier when I had just recently started changing and was not acting like the changes yet because my mind hadn’t even registered it properly yet. You’re a passionate person who has a strong character with good discernment, reasoning and virtues, and have become a go getter, and are grateful, happy and content but the self worth issues haven’t been gutted out of your system yet. Emotionally, you’ve been at terrible lows and have pulled yourself out of them in order to get better, and more stable. You also know yourself on a very deep level because you were exposed to and either are still exploring or have explored really deep into your psyche, the subconscious as well as the unconscious. You are aware of your dirty sides and your pure ones, one more thing that you’re aware of is how deep your emotions and self runs. You understand that humans are complex and have a lot of unconscious things that affect them, and that most of them never get a peek into their subconscious and unconscious but you did, it was scary, confusing and very overwhelming but you’ve still managed to come out as an empathetic and emotionally intelligent person. You need to stop thinking about the abandonments you’ve faced, many of the self worth and other issues that you’re dealing with seem to be a result of others abandoning you or hurting your emotions in such ways that you had no choice but to leave them. You haven’t moved on yet, you’re being told to move on. It’s funny because you seem to know that whatever and whoever you lost was not even that great to begin with but you so can’t help but have regrets and guilt over not having walked away sooner, not having seen the true colours early on, having ignored them and having gotten emotionally involved at all but you are also being unable to move on, you’re done with these situations though like you’re completely fed up and are grateful to be in a better place now. You’re being told to look at things as they were, that situations lacked fairness, you were probably even disrespected, these people weren’t reliable or high value, and misused your affections for them. Understand that you never truly belonged in their world because if you did, you’d still be with them. Some of these people weren’t even honest with you either in the beginning, towards the end or throughout the connection. Spend less time thinking about the betrayal and their sneaky, and messed up ways, and more time accepting them, and understanding that there’s nothing you can do except move on. By this point, you’ve gotten well enough to not hurt or cry anymore, so stop reminiscing and replaying the pain. You need to heal enough to start finding these situations boring because trust me, there’s more to life than this. Thank you for reading, much love and take care.

[zebulontheplanet]

I’m not going to sugar coat this.

Being newly nonverbal is one of the loneliest experiences that I have had to face. Yes, I’ve felt more lonely the past few weeks than I ever have in my life.

I look around, and I have awesome friends who have been through similar things that I have. I have mutuals that have been through similar things, I have them. And I love them, and especially appreciate that one friend who has been more than patient with me and has been in my DMs since day one of this journey. (You know who you are 😉😘 wink emoji, kiss wink emoji)

But, that doesn’t even touch close to some of the loneliness I’ve faced. I am very bad at keeping boundaries. At not venting too much, at not telling too much. So, I stay away. I don’t vent to my friends. I don’t tell them too much and say the bare minimum so I don’t overwhelm them and make them feel like I’m using them. I know this isn’t healthy and you should rely on people once and awhile, but that’s just who I am at the moment.

Being newly nonverbal is hard. In media, it’s all people who are nonverbal from birth or people who call themselves “partially nonspeaking” when they’re really verbal people who use AAC to talk because it makes them more comfortable or they have verbal shutdowns. Which is fine and another conversation for another time, but our experiences are so different that I can’t relate most of the time.

Being nonverbal isn’t sunshine and roses. Yes, I’m very lucky. I had AAC before I went nonverbal, I had supportive parents who are supporting me and helping me through every step of the way, but do they truly understand? No. Cause they can’t truly understand what it’s like to lose your speech. They just can’t. And that’s ok.

Being nonverbal is lonely in itself. It’s hard to deal with. The constant ableism, the constant fear and anxiety, society, everything. But it’s lonely when you become nonverbal later in life too. Which is a rare thing that can happen, and isn’t very common at all. So, you don’t have many people to talk to, to relate to. That’s lonely.

I bet my loneliness will get better with time and the more people I connect with. But still, at this time, it’s lonely, and disheartening, and hurtful. It’s just a new experience that I have to get used to, that I have to understand more, that I have to appreciate and learn to deal with more.

Just taking it one day at a time, and hoping the more I can talk about this, the more I can prevent someone else from feeling as lonely as I did.

[farfromstrange]

New Year's Day | Matt Murdock x Reader

Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader

Summary: You recount your history with Matt and the highs and the lows of your relationship.

Warnings: Fluff, descriptive writing & lack of dialogue, mentions of blood, but this is mostly very tame

Word count: 2.5k

A/n: This One-Shot is dedicated to my bestie, @blackshadowswriter. I'm a bit late, and I'm sorry for that. It took me a bit to finish. I just want to tell you how much I love and appreciate you. I also know you love Taylor, so I thought "why not write a fic and use as many song references as possible? She's going to LOVE that!" You're my favorite person in the world and you deserve this. I love you. I'm all out of words because I'm anxious as hell about showing you this. It took me two days to finish. I wanted it to be as good as I could make it. I'm still not 100% sure, but I never am when it comes to giving gifts. I hope you like it <3 (This is also why I'm not tagging anyone else because this is a gift for my best friend and I intended it as such)

From the moment you bumped into him on the corner street of your favorite café, you knew that he was the kind of chance that would only come around once in a lifetime.

It wasn’t like you, at least not back then, to buy a stranger a coffee. And it was even less like you to give him your number afterward.

You had never been big on dating at that point in your life. You used to take things exactly the way they came to you, and dating never really seemed to fit into that narrative.

You preferred to lose yourself in your own world, a world where no one could touch or hurt you the way you’ve been hurt so many times in the past by people who claimed to care about you—people who claimed to love you, and in the process, you lost sight of the fact that there are still a handful of good people out there.

No one can blame you for thinking like that though. Your heart has been broken one too many times, and not just by broken relationships. 

Deep down, you craved to find someone capable of understanding all of you, not just the pretty parts. You almost felt pathetic for pretending you didn’t need it and still thinking that way.

But deep down, you craved to find someone who wouldn’t be afraid of sticking around, someone who would never leave you because life tends to get hard.

It seemed nearly impossible to find a person like that without breaking your own heart, so you decided to retreat into your shell. Better to keep your heart safe and protected than put yourself out there and be broken all over again, right?

Those stupid love songs on the radio and the endless romantic stories of your friends’ dating lives, however, fueled your need for the same kind of connection only a few songwriters know how to put into words.

You wanted to fall in love, find the right person, and heal. You wanted to figure out why love wasn’t like the burning red of sex and passion but golden, like daylight. A love living for. A love fighting for.

You felt so stupid, secretly pining for an innocent childhood dream that eventually got crushed after years of heartbreak, but that is what happens when someone becomes chronically lonely. You turned to daydreaming because at least in your head, your life could be perfect. Not just good, not just livable, but filled with love and happiness.

Truth be told, when you’re your own worst enemy and have an inner saboteur set out to destroy everything that could be remotely good for you because you truly believe you don’t deserve it, it’s hard to allow yourself to be open. So perhaps that is why you chose to lock yourself away and live in delusion instead. Not facing reality became standard procedure in your way of life.

You tried blaming it on your past, your broken relationships, and disappointments, and while that played a big part in your trauma, you also slowly started to realize that you might have been hurting yourself so you wouldn’t have to open up ever again.

In an attempt to erase all the problems, you became the problem. You became your worst enemy, someone chasing ghosts that stayed long in the past and only came back to haunt the living shit out of you. But that’s a survivable condition. 

You tried therapy, you tried turning your life around and starting anew, and while that helped you find a job you love, find a nice group of friends, and make peace with what’s been broken, nothing else seemed to change. 

You had barely started putting yourself back together again when you bumped into him. You were late for a meeting, so your focus was on your phone instead of the street before you.

It was your fault. He was just trying to make his way over the sidewalk, his cane tapping in a steady rhythm to make his way forward, and you stepped right in the middle of it. 

You remember him grabbing your arm, catching you before you could fall. He wasn’t even irritated. When you looked up in shame, seeing the red glasses and the came, you begged for the floor to open up and swallow you whole. 

“I’m so sorry,” you said. “I wasn’t looking. Are you okay?”

But before you could go on a rant about your stupidity, he cut you off, and in the silkiest voice possible, he said, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. Are you?” 

“What?”

“Are you okay? You seem in a bit of a rush. Don’t want you to accidentally bump into a car next.” He chuckled, adjusting his glasses. Blood rushed to his cheeks. “That was a bad joke, sorry.”

You just about melted. “It’s okay,” you found yourself chuckling. “And so am I. I was too focused on my phone. That was my fault.”

“Don’t blame yourself. It happens,” he said. He was so calm about it, unlike other New Yorkers you’ve met before.

Maybe the fact that you found him extraordinarily attractive and easy to be around compelled you to ask if you could buy him a cup of coffee to make up for bumping into him, completely abandoning your plans to make it to your work meeting five minutes late.

He introduced himself as Matthew. A lawyer. Not one of those rich defense attorneys who simply do it for the money. No, he does it to help people, and you fell for him right then and there. 

Maybe it was fate, maybe it was destiny, or maybe it was just dumb luck, but that day, when you got home after work, his number in your phone and a stupidly giddy smile on your flushed face, you knew that you’d somehow been enchanted to meet him. 

You never believed in love at first sight until you bumped into Matt Murdock, but the second you did, your life flipped upside down and changed in ways you could have never predicted. 

It is possible that the song playing over the speakers in the café right before you bumped him played a part in how you perceived the interaction. You’ve never been one to believe in coincidences. Nothing is ever accidental, and neither was your meeting. It couldn’t have been. 

You found each other when you needed someone, anyone, both of you, and it stuck. Thankfully, it did. 

Summer that year was cruel with New York drowning in an excruciating heatwave. You’d been meeting up with Matt for a couple of weeks, but you didn’t have it in you to put a label on whatever delicate thing was starting to build between the two of you. You didn’t want to wrap your hand around it and accidentally shatter something you could see growing into something more in the future. 

He was unlike anyone you’d met before, and he treated you in a way that made you believe, finally, that you are worthy of love. Not just giving but receiving because Matt himself struggled to see his worth after years of being disappointed and being there for everyone but himself. 

Love is a fragile thing though, and you have never been quite good with fragile things.

After a night of drinking away your sorrows at a nearby bar, you made your way to his apartment. You took a cab, too wasted to find your way there by yourself. You remember that you were crying; you were miserable and loathing yourself for several reasons that didn’t even make sense to you then.

When you arrived there, you knocked on his door. You didn’t get an answer. Just as you started to turn around and make your way back outside, you could hear a thud from the other side of the door. Panic settled in. You didn’t even hesitate before you opened the door, which was surprisingly unlocked, and made your way into the dark interior of his apartment. 

Finding your blind, catholic not-boyfriend in a pool of his own blood, wearing a leather-clad suit with the horns of the devil had not been on your to-do list until that night. Reality hit you just as fast and knocked sobriety back into your senses as the adrenaline started to take over. 

He let out a grunt. Your name passed his lips. He sounded so weak, so fragile, and you just stood there, your heart pumping too much blood for your body to handle. 

“What the fuck?!” you said. You didn’t yell, you didn’t snap, you simply didn’t know how to process this information. 

You were well aware of the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen parading outside at night, beating up criminals and giving them a good fright—Matt did not fit the picture you had of the guy until you saw him lying there, obviously injured. 

“It’s not what it looks like,” he said hoarsely. He tried to roll over, but the pain turned out to be too severe. 

Needless to say, he passed out on you without a proper explanation, and you somehow had to use what little you could remember from first-aid to help this bleeding mess of a man. You feared that you would lose him that night, and that was when you realized that, on top of falling for him, you didn’t care who he was, you only needed him to live.

When he woke up to you hovering over him, he groaned. “I’m sorry,” was all he said. “I’d understand if–”

“Don’t talk,” you cut him off with a finger on his lips. You wouldn’t let him push you away. Not after everything you’d been through.

He tried to sit up. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“It’s not exactly something you lead with on a first date. I get it. What I don’t get…”

“I didn’t lie,” it was his turn to cut you off. You remember looking up at him, and you heard him out. You had to. In your mind, there is an explanation for everything, and you were once again proven right at that moment.

He bared his life story to you, how he survived through tragedies no human should ever have to face. How he turned blind, how his senses heightened, and how he lost the one person he could always count on. When his father died, something changed in Matt. He tried to go straight, to do his father proud, but he couldn’t ignore this desperate need for justice forever. He felt cursed. So, he became someone who could make a difference, and not just as a lawyer.

He expected you to walk out, but you didn’t. You saw him for who he was, and you accepted him.

“I think I’m falling for you, and it scares the hell out of me,” you blurted out that night.

He stared at you, his unfocused eyes bewildered, his lips moving soundlessly as he tried to find an answer.

Just when you thought he would break your heart after putting your trust in him, he let out a shaky sigh and he kissed you.

He wasn’t ready to say it back just yet, but he spoke to you through actions that made you feel confident in what you were growing again.

You somehow already knew back then that Matt Murdock would be the man you one day would marry and spend the rest of your life with. 

The truth is, you two have been through a lot throughout your relationship. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing, but you would be lying if you said that it wasn’t worth it. 

From the moment you met him to the countless dates, sharing coffees over empty takeout containers, kissing in the rain, Daredevil, fighting over the beautiful women in his life that almost broke you, and fighting over his desperate need to push those away who only want what is good for him because he is own worst saboteur.

It all led you down a journey that turned out to be harder than expected and not at all the love story you envisioned, but it still turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to you. He is the best thing that has ever happened to you. 

You used to run away from happiness out of fear of getting hurt, and Matt did the same. He feared to admit it, but then he met you and he finally realized that running was of no use because you were more than ready to stick around through everything. Through every disaster and heartache—through every broken bone, you stuck around.

You saw something in him from the moment you met that no one can ever take away. You got a taste of heaven from the devil himself, and even though he was darker than the sunshine you wished for in your life, you managed to find a way to bring some light into his life. 

You are sunshine, even on your worst days, and he’s midnight rain. But you love the rain. You love him. 

Your first kiss happened in the rain. He took your hand and asked you to dance, and you did. You danced to the sound of the raindrops pattering against the asphalt beneath your feet, and it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen—Matt engulfed in the soft moonlight, his hand in yours, and a big smile on his irresistible lips. 

You want more of those nights. Even the nights you’ve had to patch him up or hold him as he broke down from all the weight he often enough carries on his shoulders, you want more of those. You want all of them.

You want him and all the strings attached to him, no matter how painful because ever since he can remember, people have walked out on Matt and hurt him in ways you can only fathom. You don’t want to be that person. 

He opened up to you. He decided to be vulnerable. He stood with you through everything and fought for you when you thought you two wouldn’t last.

He gave you his best smile and his tears, and he laughed with you every night that you waited up for him to come home safely. He quickly became the moonlight to your sun—it is a different kind of light, but it is a light that sustains you nonetheless. 

You want all of his laughter and never miss it again. You want his smiles. You want his tears. You want to spend every waking second with him. You want to miss him and welcome him back home after an agonizingly long night of worrying. You want to cheer him up in court and be his lucky charm. You want to wear his initial on a chain around your neck, in Braille, because he got it for you on your birthday. 

“I know I don’t own you,” he said to you, “but I love you. And I know you. I want you to carry me close to your heart the same way I’ll always carry you close to mine.”

And his, you are. You’re no one else’s but his, and even if that sounds a bit territorial, you don’t care. You want all of it and more because it’s Matt you’re talking about, no one else. Not a stranger but the man you love so desperately it hurts sometimes.

All the girls he loved before don’t matter because he’s got you now. You forgave him more times than he probably deserved. You held on when he barely had any strength left. In return, he has shown the same kind of devotion to you time and time again. How can you ever say no to any of that when you are so in love? 

All those memories replay in sudden flashing sequences right in front of your inner eye. You love him more than anyone has ever loved him. You pulled him out of a very dark hole. You saved his life. And he saved yours. 

As he’s kneeling in front of you now, your hand in his and clutching the small, velvety box in his other, your life passes by before your eyes. Your life alone and your life together. You recount every memory in a millisecond, too shocked to even comprehend what is happening. But it is happening. 

Matt Murdock is kneeling on the floor before you, the glitter, confetti, and sticky champagne someone spilled earlier most likely leaving a stain on his good dress pants, but he remains unwavering in his decision to open that little box and show you what he’s been hiding for a while. 

It’s a diamond ring, something he probably took months to save up for. It’s small yet elegant, and it’s staring right at you. He’s taken his glasses off to try and do the same. You would marry him with paper rings, that much is true. 

Matt says your name oh-so-softly. “Will you marry me?” Four words that stop your heart and restart it at the same time. 

He sees right through you. You see right through him. Even in your worst times, you were there for each other, and now he’s asking you to spend the rest of your life with him. Together. To give him all of your days and nights and he will give you all of his in return. He is asking you the question you’ve been wondering if he would ever ask it, and he did. 

The fireworks go off in the distance, in your stomach, everywhere. The new year has rounded the corner. People are cheering and celebrating around you, but you don’t pay attention to them. 

The clock strikes midnight and with the softest smile, you say, “Yes.” You don’t need to tell him that you would do it a million times over because he knows. He knows your heartbeat, and he knows that you would never lie to him. 

He doesn’t waste time to pull you into his arms and kiss you softly, passionately, as if both of your lives depend on it. 

It’s a bit cliché, to get proposed to on New Year’s Eve. To start the new year with the man you love and a ring on your finger. But that only means that you will still be together on New Year’s Day, and all the days after that. 

Matt chose you. You chose Matt. You chose a life together that is as unpredictable as they come, but at least you have each other to hold onto. 

And he will never be just the stranger that you bumped into in front of your favorite corner café ever again. You have him now. Maybe that was your plan all along. Maybe you are the mastermind he knows that you are. None of it was accidental. 

And now, Matt Murdock is yours. Forever and always. 

[xenonsreturn]

Garrus Gets Legos

A Mass Effect Story

This story takes place after Shepard “dies” at the beginning of Mass Effect 2. Shep and Liara are a couple and Shepard has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship, Ridley (sometimes referred to as RJ). Liara has adopted Ridley in Shep's absence.

--------------------

"Hello, Garrus. This is Liara calling. I hope you are well. I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor. I need . . . well, I need someone I can trust. I have a project, an important project I am working on and I need to be away from home for an evening next Thursday, but I cannot bring Ridley with me. If you are not otherwise occupied, would you consider watching her, spending the evening with her while I am out? I believe the human term is babysitting, which I do not understand, because Ridley is neither a baby, nor should she be sat upon. When I talked to her about it, she said she would be willing to “hang out” with you. I don’t understand this term either, especially because it would be incredibly dangerous, considering the level we live on. At any rate, if you are free, I would very much appreciate it. Just don’t sit on her or allow her to dangle out of our windows. Thank you, Garrus. Please call me back."

----------------------------

Garrus stood at the comm in his apartment, waiting for his call to go through. After a few moments, a familiar face – well, mask, really – appeared on the screen.

“Hey, Garrus.”

“Hey, Tali.”

“What brings me the pleasure of your call, G?”

“Well, I need some help.”

“You do? That’s unusual – not that you need help, but that you would ask for it.”

“Now, wait a minute –“

“Just teasing. What’s going on, Garrus?”

“Okay, well, I’m looking for some sort of gift for Ridley. Liara asked me to watch her next Thursday. I want to bring something.”

“Garrus Vakarian, babysitter.” She chuckled. “Okay. What sort of thing?”

“I don’t know yet, but I’m afraid if I just show up empty handed, we’ll just stare at each other . . . and I want to make a better impression than that. I hope I can . . . I mean, I’d like to help with Ridley, for Liara, and for Ridley, of course, but also . . . for Shepard.”

Tali sighed. “I know you miss Shepard. We all do. But she’s gone, Garrus. You have to let her go . . . as hard as that is.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m trying.”

“But now you’re trying to somehow connect with Shepard through her daughter.”

He opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again. “Well, yes, I guess that’s true.” It was difficult to admit, and he hadn’t thought that’s what he was doing, but now that Tali said it . . . well, she had a way of getting to the point. “But also, I think Ridley needs more than just Liara, and I . . . I think being part of that would honor Shepard’s memory. It would be what she’d want. But also, it’s been awhile since Ridley’s seen me, and what if she doesn’t like me? Or we don’t have anything to talk about? I mean, she’s been so lonely and withdrawn since Shepard – since she . . . ”

“Since she died, Garrus,” said Tali sadly.

Garrus took a deep breath. “Yeah, since she died.” He looked at the floor. “Dammit,” he muttered. “It’s still so hard to say.”

“I know. It’s hard for all of us.”

“But it’s so much harder for Liara. And even worse for Ridley. Hence, the gift. A toy or something. I want to try to give her something else to think about, something she can maybe sort of lose herself in. Liara wants her to be able to connect with her roots, so it has to be something made by humans, but something we can do together. Like a game, maybe. Or a puzzle. She’s good with puzzles.”

“How about music? Liara has mentioned more than once that Ridley shows an aptitude for it.”

“Yeah, but that makes one of us. No rhythm, see?”

“You know, I have seen you dance. Don’t sell yourself short, Garrus. You’ve got moves.” He could hear the smile in her voice and he felt his face smile back. “Okay, let me see what I can do. Talk to you later.”

--------------------

The next morning, Tali called.

“Hey, Tali.”

“Hey, yourself, Garrus. I think I can help you out.”

“Fantastic! Thanks. How’d you do it?”

“I found a shopping VI on the extranet and hacked it to widen the search parameters, and then I put in all you told me about what you were looking for.” She paused. “It took me four hours.”

“Tali, I think I love you.”

If Tali blushed under her mask, she gave no sign of it.

“What did you find?” Garrus asked.

“Quite a lot, actually. Puzzle games, strategy games, word games, building toys –“

“Building toys. She’s a creative girl. Let’s start there.”

“There are several made on Earth which utilize mass effect technology to create a virtual space to be populated by virtual creatures, designed by the player.”

“Hmm. Can we try something a little less, um, virtual? She seems to really enjoy the tactile, something real.”

“Well, there is one that you both might like. It also has a connection with Earth’s past. When I found it, I thought it would be perfect, but getting a hold of it is going to be a little more involved than the others.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“They were called Legos.”

“Lay Goes?”

“Yes. They were interlocking plastic blocks that could be connected in almost infinite ways, made on Earth in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. They were immensely popular. Here, I’ll send you a feed.”

An ancient video started playing on the monitor, showing human children building vehicles, creatures, houses . . . and plenty of other, harder-to-define, objects. Garrus watched for approximately ten seconds.

“That’s it. That’s perfect. Where can I find them?”

“Well, that’s one of the problems. They haven’t been made in over 150 years, and they are very difficult to come by, even on Earth.”

“Difficult, but not impossible, right?”

“Right. I looked into it last night. There is an art collector on Bekenstein who has quite a variety of Legos in his collection, and has offered them for sale on the extranet. Considering their scarcity, the price is fairly reasonable. It seems the best choice – or at least, the best place to start.”

“Sounds good. I didn’t have anything planned for the weekend, anyway.”

“What about next weekend? You free?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” said Garrus, puzzled.

Tali sighed. “Never mind.”

“Thanks, again, Tali.”

“No problem, Garrus. Let me know if you need anything else. You know I’m here for you.”

“I know. Thanks.” He disconnected the feed.

“Well,” he said to the empty apartment. “I guess I’m off to Bekenstein.”

----------------------------

The billionaire’s house – no, mansion – was impressive, to say the least. So much wealth, on such obvious display . . . well, Garrus's time in C-Sec had made him suspicious. And not a little uncomfortable.

The art collector, dressed impeccably in a tailored, tasteful suit, strode forward to greet him.

“Hello, Mr. Vakarian,” he said in a clipped accent Garrus could not identify. “Thank you so much for your inquiry. I believe we have exactly what you are looking for.”

“That’s good news,” said Garrus, eyeing the security protocols out of habit. They were impressive. “I’m so glad you were available to meet me on such short notice, Mr. - ?”

“Hock. Donovan Hock, at your service.”

Garrus could not help but grin. “Well, that’s a refreshing change.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’m just used to being at other people’s service. Especially people with your . . . assets. Never mind. Just a joke.”

“Ah, well. Step this way, Mr. Vakarian. I have the collection on display for your perusal.” Hock turned back to Garrus. “May I ask, what prompted your interest? A toy, from Earth’s past? Unusual for a turian, don’t you think?”

“Well, I’m . . . uh, babysitting a human kid in a couple days and I just wanted to bring her something from her roots. Plus, this kid . . . well, I have a feeling she’ll really like these Lay Goes.”

Hock stopped. “Ah, Mr. Vakarian, I’m afraid I must correct you. They are not called Legos. They are, collectively, Lego. The word is already plural, you see?”

“Hmm. But there are a lot of them, all different. Each piece is a single Lay Go.”

“I’m afraid that is not correct. They are Lego Bricks and Toys, or Lego Elements. I have done extensive research on the subject. The Lego company was quite adamant about the way their brand name was discussed.”

“Well,” said Garrus, deciding in that moment that Donovan Hock was, in fact, an arrogant prick – and Garrus was going to call them whatever the hell he wanted. “Okay. Lead on.”

Hock wound his way through the opulent home, pointing out various priceless works of art along the way. Garrus nodded at all the right moments, although he truly couldn’t care less. In fact, this place was giving him a bad feeling all over.

Finally, they arrived at a heavy security door, which opened at Hock’s approach.

“You keep your toys under some pretty impressive scrutiny,” said Garrus.

“Yes, toys, certainly. Have you ever seen a child deprived of his toys?” Asked Hock. “I was. And I stopped at nothing to get them. And now, even as an adult, I make sure that will never happen again. But there’s more in here than just toys, my friend.”

The door opened upon what had to be one of the largest museums Garrus had ever seen – although, truth be told, he hadn’t seen that many. Works of art and historical artifacts from a thousand worlds were preserved and on display, behind glass or, in some cases, effect fields.

“Well, I have to admit, I’m very impressed with the size of your collection,” said Garrus. “The diversity, too. A lot of races are represented here. Wait,” he said, thinking of Liara. “Do you have any Prothean relics?”

“Oh, a few,” said Hock.

“I have a friend who might like to study them sometime, if that would be all right.”

“Certainly. When our business is concluded, let’s get the contact information set up and they can visit whenever they like. Ah,” said Hock. “Here we are.”

He pointed at a large display case. In it were probably a few thousand small, multicolored plastic blocks, sticks, and other pieces.

“Wonderful,” said Garrus. He took another look at them. “Hmm. They’re a little smaller than I expected.” He glanced down at his hands. “Oh, well. They’re perfect for . . . my charge.”

“I’m glad they are to your satisfaction. You have the credits?”

“Right here,” said Garrus, pulling out a datapad and handing it to Hock.

Hock examined the pad, performed a transaction, and a broad smile crossed his face. “Excellent. The Lego are yours.”

“Great. Now,” said Garrus, looking at a large empty space in the museum, directly ahead. “What’s missing there?”

“Oh, there is a large piece I just made room for, which I hope to acquire quite soon. In fact,” said Hock. “You are going to help me do just that.”

“What?”

The sting of the dart hit Garrus in the neck. His hand reached up to the wound, and dizziness started to overcome him. He fell to his knees.

“It’s nothing personal, Mr. Vakarian,” said Hock, his voice sounding distant and fuzzy. “It’s just that you yourself are worth so much more than the price of the Lego.”

--------------------------

There was some sort of bell that would just not stop ringing. An image of soldiers, their boots marching through mud, kept swimming in and out of focus. He was aware of a dull ache that wrapped itself around his head and penetrated his skull. Every part of his body felt heavy and listless as he slowly awoke from the feverish dream.

“Ah, Mr. Vakarian,” came that clipped voice again, still sounding far away, like it came from the other end of a tunnel. “Glad you could join us.”

“Fuggoff,” slurred Garrus. His hands were bound behind his back, and hi s legs were shackled.

Hock gave a chuckle, sounding a little closer now. “Such spirit. I see why you made so many enemies. No compromise with you, eh?”

With tremendous effort, Garrus lifted his head and said, “Fuck. Off.”

“No, I don’t think I will. See, my friend, when one makes enemies, as you so diligently have, those enemies tend to, well, flock together.” Hock lowered himself to meet Garrus’s eyes. “And they will pay, gladly, to see you suffer.”

Garrus tried to spit at Hock and succeeded only in drooling on his own chin.

“Please, Mr. Vakarian, try to maintain a modicum of decorum. The poison introduced into your system will break down within a few minutes. Then you will be able to spit to your heart’s content. And you will be able to feel this,” he pinched Garrus’s arm. “You see, the people who want you, want you to really feel what they - well, what I have in store for you. It just won’t work if you’re numb.”

Garrus glared at Hock. The art collector stood up and turned his back on his captive. “Ah, Mr. Vakarian,” he said. “You are wanted by four people - well, four groups, actually, and they all have rather sizable bounties on you.” While Hock was talking, Garrus shifted his attention around the room. His vision was still a little blurry, but he could make out cameras, a guard, a door. The guard was armed, assault rifle in hand, pistol in holster.

“At first, I thought of just offering you to the highest bidder. That would go a long way to getting the piece that I want – a piece that, like your Lego, also has a connection to Earth’s past, I might add.”

Garrus was feeling sharper by the second. He subtly flexed his arms, testing the cuffs at his wrist. They were solid, connected to the chair, but separate from the shackles on his ankles.

“Then I thought, well, everyone enjoys a show. So I made them a deal. For all four of the bounties, they could tie your arms and legs to different vehicles, and then they could just . . . pull you apart. Each group could take a different piece of you.” Hock turned around. “They agreed so quickly. We didn’t even have to negotiate the price. In fact, I already have the payment.” Hock smiled. “Either they are naturally bloodthirsty, or . . . well, maybe you just bring that out in people.”

“Yes, well,” said Garrus. “I guess I have a knack for that. Just like you have a knack for being a lowbrow motherfucker, pretending to have good taste.”

Hock’s smile disappeared. “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me. You have no appreciation for anything you’ve got. You don’t have any Prothean relics – if you really think you do, then whoever sold them to you lied and you didn’t know any better.” Hock’s face had darkened like the sky before an oncoming storm, and his hands had clenched into fists. “You’re just a spoiled brat who collects what other people tell him are worthwhile,” Garrus went on. “It’s all just . . . toys to you, so you can feel important, like a big shot. But I bet all the people who come here are laughing behind your back. Because they know you’re really just a little boy, hoping the grown-ups will let him play.”

Hock’s fist slammed into Garrus’s face. At that moment, Garrus dislocated his left thumb and pulled it free of the cuff on his chair.

Hock glared at Garrus. “It’s been a long time since I hit another man, but that was worthwhile.”

“Yes, I’m sure that brought back memories of grade school, where you hired bigger kids to hold down the little ones, so you could really show them all what a big man you are.”

Hock hit him again. Garrus took the impact, allowed it to throw him backward, and swung his legs up, over his head in a reverse somersault as the chair fell over backwards with a clatter. In a heartbeat, he was on his feet, shackled though they were. He swung his right arm - and the chair, still attached, slammed directly into Hock’s stomach. The man doubled over with a grunt, and Garrus brought his left fist down onto Hock’s head. Hock crumpled to the floor. Garrus spat at the unconscious billionaire – successfully, this time.

The guard already had his rifle trained on Garrus, but the turian held the chair in front of him as the guard got off a single shot, which buried itself in the chair’s frame. By then, Garrus had closed the distance and pressed the top rail of the chair into the guard’s throat, holding it there until the guard turned pale, his eyes rolling back into his skull. Garrus held it there a moment longer.

“These close quarters, should have kept your pistol out, slung your rifle over your back,” he said to the unconscious guard. “Amateur.”

He was prowling the corridor less than a minute later when the alarm went off. “Oh, crap.”

He grabbed the pistol and fired into the chain between his feet. Now, about this chair . . . He looked down at the guard, searching for ideas. One obvious one presented itself immediately. “Oh. Keys. Well. Maybe I’m the amateur.”

He had no bearings, no way to see if he was heading in the right direction for the landing bay. There was a doorway up ahead. He threw himself to one side before he opened it, keeping his stolen pistol up and checking the rifle over his shoulder.

The door opened onto a walkway above the museum. Garrus glanced down, finding the door he’d come through earlier almost immediately. Unfortunately, there were a dozen guards below, as well. What I wouldn’t give for a sniper rifle right now, he thought. The last one would be gone before the first one hit the floor.

He thought he saw movement on this level, too, just ahead, out of the corner of his eye. He started forward, then a man stepped out, a few yards ahead, pistol in hand. Garrus started to bring his own up, knowing even as he did so that the man had the drop on him, that he was dead. The man fired, twice.

Garrus froze, feeling a tightening in his belly as the bullets . . . went by his ear. He turned and saw one of Hock’s men behind him, a couple new holes in his face, drop to the floor.

The guards below drew their weapons and fired. Garrus traded his pistol for his rifle in one smooth motion and returned fire, dropping four of them in seconds.

The other man dropped to the floor and tossed something down towards the guards. In two seconds, it exploded, shredding men and priceless artifacts alike.

The man stood up. “That oughta do it.’

Garrus turned back to the other man. “Uh . . . thanks?”

“My pleasure,” the other man smiled. He was asian, with close-cropped hair and a single line of a goatee from his lip to his chin. “Anything to throw a monkey wrench into Hock’s plans.”

Garrus relaxed. “Well, then, you’re my kinda guy, Mr - ?”

“No names,” said the man. “I’ve still got work to do. And so do you.”

“Yeah, I’ve got to get the hell out of here.”

“Yes, but first,” said the man, grinning, “don’t forget your Legos.”

-----------------------

Garrus carried the Lego case toward the landing pad.

Almost there, he thought. Seems too easy.

As he approached the nearest ship, he heard a voice behind him.

“Where do you think you’re going, Vakarian?”

He turned around. There were seven mercs there. Blue Suns, Eclipse, Blood Pack, and another group he didn’t recognize. All armed to the teeth. A human in Blue Suns armor said, “We paid good money to see you torn apart. Now we’re gonna make that happen.”

“Ah,” said Garrus. “You know, you guys should really start working together under a single name. Should call yourselves ‘The Cowards’. Making a rich guy do your dirty work for you. Taking on one guy with seven, all hiding behind your guns.”

“Fuck you, Vakarian!”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Garrus. “Besides, you can’t pull me apart alive if your shoot me first. Come on, there’s seven of you. Surely you can take me together, hand to hand.”

The mercs glanced at each other.

“If you don’t, you know you’ll always know you backed down, took the easy way,” Garrus goaded.

The mercs put down their weapons.

“Okay,” sighed Garrus as he cracked his knuckles. “Who wants it first?”

---------------------

Twenty minutes later, a badly wounded, but exhilaratingly alive Garrus was prepping the stolen ship for departure.

“Hang on, kid,” said Garrus as he lifted off. “I’m on my way.”

----------------------

The door chime rang, finally, and Liara tried to send a smile at Ridley. “That would be Uncle Garrus.”

Ridley looked at her momma. “Great,” she said, her voice flat.

Liara felt her heart drop. She knew Ridley was upset and felt – once again - abandoned. If only I could talk to her, tell her what I am trying to do . . . But she knew she couldn’t. If she got the girl’s hopes up that there was a chance to bring her mother back, and then it didn’t happen, it would just further damage her. And Liara felt Ridley had been damaged enough. The galaxy is so . . . cold. So she could take the pain of Ridley’s mood, if it meant protecting her from disappointment. She sighed and went to answer the door. It would be nice, she thought, so see a familiar face.

When the door opened on his face, however, it wasn’t so familiar. She gasped. “Goddess! Garrus, what happened to you?”

“You should see the other guy. Or, guys, actually.”

The turian’s face was bloody and bruising. One arm was crudely bandaged, and . . . “Garrus, is that . . . is that a bullet hole?”

“It’s not so much a hole as it is a scrape. I’m okay, Liara. I just need a little medi-gel and I’ll be good as new. Well, good enough, anyway.”

Liara’s hand went to her mouth. “Oh my goodness,” she said. “Well, come in.” She offered a hand, and Garrus took it. He limped into the apartment. “Sit down,” she said, indicating a chair at the dining room table. “Ridley?” she called. “Can you get some medi-gel from the bathroom?”

“Fine,” said Ridley from the other room. “What, did you get a paper cut?”

Ridley appeared a few seconds later, scowling, but then she dropped the medi-gel at the sight of Garrus. “Oh!”

“Hi, kid,” he said, managing a grin. “Don’t worry about me. Just had a little . . . detour on the way back from getting you a present.”

“A present?”

“Ridley!” snapped Liara. “The gel!”

“Oh, right!” said Ridley, picking it up the floor and handing it to her Momma.

Liara wasted no time in applying the gel to the turian’s many wounds. Garrus’ mandibles quivered a bit when she touched the bullet graze, but he made no sound. Ridley helped a bit and looked on until she was sure her Uncle was okay, then disappeared back into the other room.

Liara whispered, “She has been so clingy, questioning everything I do, but when I ask about her, she barely says a word. I don’t know what’s going on in her head – and I’m scared to ask, because I think I’ll just push her away.”

“My sister was like that when she was about Ridley’s age,” said Garrus. “Seemed to live in her own little world . . . Population: One. Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll grow out of it. Just keep doing what you’re doing – which I know is hard. Just so, if she decides to talk, she knows you’re there. But yeah, don’t push. For now.”

Liara sighed. “It’s so hard to be patient sometimes.”

“Sounds like Shepard rubbed off on you some, Liara,” Garrus chuckled.

Liara caught herself, and grinned. “Maybe she did, at that.”

When she was done and he was properly bandaged, she asked, “Are you sure you’re okay to stay with Ridley?”

“Absolutely. After what I went through to get these, there is no way in hell I’m not playing with RJ.”

---------------------

“You mentioned a present?” said Ridley, after Liara had left.

“I thought you’d never ask. Go sit at the table and I’ll bring ‘em over.”

Ridley did so and Garrus brought out the Lego case.

“So, Ridley, these,” said Garrus proudly, “are called Lay Goes. They were made on Earth, by humans, a long time ago.” He dumped the contents of the box onto the table with a clatter. Multicolored plastic pieces spilled across to Ridley.

She was unimpressed. “Uh. Thanks.” She picked one up. “What do they do?”

“Well, it’s not so much what they do, as it is what you do with them,” he said. “See, they kind of fit together, and you can build things with them.”

“What kind of things?”

“Pretty much whatever you want.” He grabbed one block and attempted to snap it on to another. His large fingers made this task more difficult than he had expected. “Hmm. I wish they were a little bigger,” he muttered. He started to wonder if this had been a good idea. She obviously couldn’t care less. He tried to contain his growing disappointment. He hadn’t gone through all this to give up now. “Should be perfect for your hands, though. Give it a try.”

With a noted lack of enthusiasm, she picked up two pieces at random. She turned them over in her hands, looking at the bumps and crannies. “Hmm,” she said. She snapped them together. “Oh,” she said. She grabbed another block and fit it onto the other two with a click. “Oh!” she said again, her face lighting up as she started to see the possibilities. “Ooooh.” She grabbed a handful of pieces and started to put them together.

Garrus smiled as he watched her and saw the wheels turning in her mind, and he relaxed. He’d been right – this was perfect for her.

“What do you say we build something extraordinary?”

Garrus picked up the pieces and clumsily attempted to work with them while Ridley built away. He was thrilled at how much Ridley was enjoying this, but he himself was having trouble fitting the small pieces together, and it was a little frustrating, particularly because this toy really appealed to his need for order and detail. It was an incredible, yet simple, design. Eventually, he limited himself to the largest pieces he could find and did the best he could. But he kept glancing back at Ridley. She was building . . . and building . . .

“Oh, yeah!” she said, her eyes glued to the pieces, her fingers nimbly constructing at random. No, not at random, Garrus thought – there was already a pattern emerging.

He had to ask. “What is that you’re putting together, RJ?”

She didn’t take her eyes off her project. “I have no idea, yet, but this is so fun!”

He got up to get them both a snack. When he came back, a bowl of Tierrot Root chips for himself in one hand and a slice of banana bread for Ridley in the other, he suddenly let out a yell.

“OH GODDAMMIT MOTHERF-“

He slammed the bowl and the plate down on the table and hopped on one foot over to the wall, steadying himself with one hand.

“Uncle Garrus! Are you all right?” Ridley’s forehead creased with concern as she half-rose from the table.

“Ah, yeah, RJ, I’ll be fine,” panted Garrus. He bent his knee and looked at the bottom of his foot. Gingerly, he reached down and extracted a bright blue cube from his biggest toe. “I just . . . stepped on a Lay Go. Ah, man,” said the turian. “That hurts like hell.”

He looked down, and saw a half-assembled smattering of Legos where he had stepped. “Oh, no, RJ,” he said as he picked them up. “I smashed it.” He sheepishly handed it back to her. “I’m sorry.”

She was trying, but failing, not to laugh. “Sorry, Uncle Garrus.”

"It's okay. Just don't tell your Momma I said some of those words."

She took it and turned it over in her hand. “That’s okay, Garrus. I can put it back together in just a sec. Wait,” she said. “No, see this? I can take this part off,” she did so, “and add it back over here,” she snapped the part onto the ever-growing assembly in front of her on the table, “and HA!” She smiled. “See, it’s a cave now!”

Garrus’s jaw dropped. This kid was something else, all right.

In the end, her Lego creation turned out to be a partially synthetic dragon (a cyborgon, Ridley informed him) attacking a starship because the starship had accidentally gotten too close to the dragon’s eggs. Garrus marveled at the complexity of the set, especially considering the girl had only started playing with Legos just over an hour ago. And he was particularly impressed with how she had constructed an entire story around her project. While her hands had been building the model, her mind had been building the story.

Garrus suddenly felt an enormous wave of love for Ridley. He had not felt so happy since before Shepard died. To see her daughter playing . . . just playing . . . brought him a feeling of immense joy that he hadn’t realized how much he’d missed. And he knew that, if Shepard could see Ridley now, she’d be smiling.

Garrus finally gave up working with the Legos himself (damn huge fingers, stupid tiny blocks) and just contented himself with watching Ridley play, occasionally offering suggestions or asking questions.

“How’s school these days, RJ?”

She was now working on what was becoming a pretty close Lego approximation of the Destiny Ascension.

“It’s okay. Music is my favorite, of course, but we only get to do that twice a week.”

“Ah, music. Love listening to it, can’t play or sing or dance worth a damn.” He sighed. “Got any friends?”

“I have two. Katora and Holden.”

“Let’s hear the scoop.”

“Well, Katora and Katie and I share a study pod together. She’s asari and pretty neat. I help her with her homework sometimes. Holden is human and we’re in math class together. He’s blond and smart and he’s good at math and science and he talks a lot and he’s, um, really cute.” The words came out in a rush as Ridley turned a deep scarlet.

“Well,” said Garrus, giving no indication whatsoever that he’d noticed her response when talking about a boy. “They sound like cool kids.”

“Yeah, they are.” She paused, and looked at him. “Can I tell you a secret, Uncle Garrus?”

“Of course.”

“Promise not to tell Momma?”

“Well, that depends on the secret. Will this secret hurt anyone?”

“No.”

“Then, yes, I promise not to tell your Momma.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “I really like Holden. Like, really. A lot.”

“Ah,” said Garrus. “I think I see what you’re saying, RJ.”

“Yeah,” said Ridley. “He makes me laugh a lot. He’s super funny. He’s always making up stories. Sometimes, I hear him just singing a song he’s just making up as he goes – and the words rhyme at the right time.”

“Kind of like you, just now,” chuckled Garrus.

Ridley turned an even deeper red. “Stop it!” she giggled.

“Sorry,” said Garrus, grinning. “But I’m not surprised you like that he sings.”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling. “Anyway, at first I just thought he couldn’t shut up – like maybe he had a condition - but then he would remember things that I’d said like a week before. I think he listens almost as much as he talks.”

“Well, that’s a rare thing,” said Garrus. “So why’s this such a big secret? Why can’t you tell your Momma about him?”

“She’d never let me be his – I mean, she wouldn’t want him to be my – well, she wouldn’t like it if we were . . . more than friends.”

“Have you talked to her about him at all?”

“No. No way.”

“Well, then, how do you know?”

Ridley sighed. “Because Momma wants me to stay her baby, forever. But I’m growing up. I’m not a baby.”

Garrus looked at her. “Well, that’s true. You are growing up. And I know she’s proud of you. It’s just that . . . well, you’re very special to her, RJ. You mean the world to her – the galaxy, even. And you have to remember, she’s an asari and asari kids don’t grow as quickly as human kids do. So it’s a little scary for her to see how fast you’re growing up. Maybe she feels it’s a little too fast for her.”

Ridley thought for a moment. “You think that’s true?”

“Yes, I do. She can take her time doing things because she’s going to live for over a thousand years, but your lifetime is barely a blink of her eyes.”

“But it’s my life, and I’m not an asari, and I’m growing at human-speed.”

“Of course you are,” he said. “But really, I think she’s scared of losing even a minute with you. She wants to savor every moment of it because she knows that time has a way of slipping away from us. She knows how life can change in a heartbeat. I mean,” he cleared his throat, “she already lost your mom. I think she’s scared to death of losing you, too.”

He could tell this last had an impact on Ridley. She stopped, the Legos frozen in her hand, and she stared out the window, focused on nothing. A full minute passed in silence.

“I . . . I didn’t think of that,” said Ridley. “Sometimes I forget that Momma lost her, too.”

“Try to remember,” said Garrus gently, “that it’s hard for her, just like it’s hard for you.”

Ridley gave him a sad little smile. “I’ll try, Uncle Garrus.”

“Good. In the meantime, why don’t you invite Holden over to play sometime?”

She flushed again. “Oh, I don’t know . . .”

“Invite Katora over, too, then, if that makes it a little less scary.”

“Hmm.” She turned the idea over in her head. “That’s a good idea. They get along, too . . . although,” she grinned slyly at him, “not too well.”

“There you go.”

“You know what else?”

“What’s that?”

She smiled. “I bet he’d really like Legos.”

“You think so, huh?” She nodded. “Good,” he said. “Then you’ll have something to do together when he comes over.”

They played together without speaking for a few moments, each enjoying sharing the other’s silence. Then Ridley piped up.

“Uncle Garrus?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you still wearing that?” She pointed at his face.

“Huh? Oh,” he said, reaching up to touch his visor. “I don’t know. I pretty much always have it on. I needed it earlier, when I was . . . getting your Lay Goes. It helps me out when I . . . run into trouble.”

“Are you expecting to run into trouble now?”

Garrus chuckled. “Heh, no. Unless you want to fight me for the last bit of ice cream.”

“Come on, you can’t eat that anyway,” she laughed. “Why don’t you take it off?”

“I . . . don’t know. I guess I’m so used to it . . . “

“Well, give it a try.”

Garrus looked away, then back at Ridley. He could face down mercs, but taking off his visor . . . still, here she was, Shepard’s daughter, challenging him. And here he was, trying to build her up, trying to show her courage, when she needed someone to look up to . . . He reached up and unfastened the visor, then looked at her.

She looked at him for a second, then turned back to the Legos. “See, that wasn’t so hard.”

If only you knew how hard, kid, he thought. But why?

“You look weird. Like, you’re not yourself.”

“Well . . . uh, thanks,” he said.

“I’m just used to . . . “ she said, then she looked at him. “But this is how you really are. Underneath.”

“Hmm,” said Garrus. “Well, I guess so. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to do.”

They looked at each other, then each looked away.

“Did you really beat up seven guys?” Ridley asked.

“Well, not so much ‘beat up’ as ‘make them sorry for getting in my way’.”

“But, seven?”

“Maybe I should have said seventy. And a thresher maw.”

She smirked, and Garrus thought, She looks exactly like Shepard, and he felt a pang deep in his heart.

“You’re gonna have a lot of scars,” said Ridley. “Well, a lot more, anyway.”

“Yeah, well, maybe. Most of them will heal up fine.”

“What about this one?” She pointed at a deep, thick line on his forearm.

“Yeah, that one . . . won’t. But that’s okay. See, I got that one helping your mom.”

Ridley turned away. “Did she end up hurting everyone she touched?”

Garrus reached out and gently turned her face back to his. “No, she inspired everyone. To stand up and fight for something more than themselves. It’s just that, sometimes, that means you get hurt. But the galaxy is a better place because of the things she inspired us to do. Besides, I don’t want to die without any scars. Means I lived through something. And your mom knew a thing or two about that – hell, she could have taught a class in it. She had a few scars, too.”

“But there was one thing she didn’t live through.”

“Yeah.” Garrus swallowed hard and let out a breath. “I could tell you how brave she was, but you’re probably sick of hearing that. And you probably wish she hadn’t been so brave, anyway. I know I do.”

Ridley ran her thumb over the edge of a Lego, then pressed it into her palm. Softly, she said, “I really hate Joker. And I kind of hate her for going after him.” She looked into the turian’s face. “Didn’t she know I needed her? Wasn’t I more important than him? Wasn’t I more important than her stupid duty?” She almost spat the last word.

“I know,” said the turian, quietly. “I was mad at Joker, too. Still am. Should have followed orders, left his post – ah, but then, he loved the Normandy. I mean, loved it. Maybe almost as much as we,” he had to remind himself to use the past tense, as much as he hated it, “loved your mom. And he wanted to save it.”

“It was just a stupid ship!”

“Yeah, it was. He made a bad mistake. The worst. Your mom would have punched him in the face, if she’d . . . ah.” He took a breath and let it out. “And when she . . . when she died . . . as much as I missed her, I was also furious with her for being so damn brave. Because the galaxy was a better place with her in it. And I was a better man, for being her friend.” He put his hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes. “But there is something you need to know. She loved you. Maybe she didn’t know how to show it all the time, but you were more important to her than anything. Everything she did, as brave as she was, she did because of you, for you. So you could have a better life, a better future. So you could have hope.”

“But I needed her!” Tears were running down her face in tiny rivers.

“I know. But maybe . . . maybe she never understood that. Maybe she never believed that anyone needed her. Maybe she never believed that she was anything special. The best never do, I guess.”

She looked at him with an expression of equal parts bewilderment and despair.

“Maybe being brave,” he said. “And doing her duty, was her way of showing you how much she loved you. Maybe it was the only way she knew how.”

“Couldn’t she just tell me once in a while? Or just . . . be around?”

“For her, that might have been harder than charging into a thresher maw nest.”

“But she was supposed to be so brave. Why was it so hard to talk to me?”

“Well, there are different kinds of courage. Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared – it means you are scared, but you do what you’re afraid of anyway. Your mom wasn’t scared of taking a bullet, or getting a scar – so maybe it was easy for her to see everything as a battle. But just talking to someone she cared about, letting them see how much they meant to her . . . well, I don’t know, but I think that scared the hell out of her. And I know." He took a deep breath. "Because I'm the same way."

“I don’t understand her. At all.”

“I know. But I know you loved her. And I know she loved you. Maybe that’s what love is – just . . . trying to understand the people who are important to us. Even when they make no sense.” He sighed and picked up a Lego. “It’s not like these. I wish life could fit together as perfectly as these things do.” He looked at her. “She would have loved seeing you play like you did tonight.”

“I just . . . miss her.”

“I miss her, too.”

“I don’t know why I even miss her. She was barely around at all when I was little. I was always just a burden to her, like I was a duty.” She stopped and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “Maybe I should have stayed a duty,” she muttered. “Maybe then I would have been more important. But then . . . when Momma . . . she talked my mom into letting me stay with them. And I started to think . . . I started to hope that maybe I wasn’t just a burden after all. Maybe we really could be a family. And maybe someday, I’d get to know her.” She looked at him, and he could see the pain crease her face as the tears started anew. “But now I never will.”

There was nothing he could think of to say, so he just enfolded her in his arms, feeling helpless to soothe this wounded girl. She sobbed into his shirt.

“We’d just started to –“ she sobbed. “I barely had her at all when I was little, and then we got this chance to be together, and now she’s gone! She cheated me out of herself! Because she made Joker, she even made strangers, more important than me! I’ll never know her, I’ll never know what’s it’s like to have my mom love me anymore! I’ll never know what it might have been like someday . . . and I’d just started to wonder what it could be like, growing up with her around . . . and now I’ll never know.”

And Garrus, his arms around Ridley, sobbed as well. Sobbed because he missed his friend, sobbed for the pain in this girl, and in Liara, and in the rest of the crew. Sobbed because they all had to carry on, without their friend and commander. And together, they cried . . . until at last, they fell asleep, their arms around each other, Ridley breathing deeply against the slow rise and fall of Garrus’s chest. And that’s how Liara found them when she returned, well after midnight. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of them, and a single tear fell from her eye, but she could not sob as they had, for the loss of Shepard and the need to be strong for Ridley had built a hardness around her heart. She clenched her jaw and closed her eyes for a moment, then fetched a blanket and tucked it over them, the turian warrior and the human girl.

Liara went to bed, but she did not sleep for a long time.

[andro-dino]

From the last post, I don't think I hear enough about Kosuke so if you would like to, I'd love to hear more about the lil' slightly deranged fella (at least, I heard he was a little deranged but I don't remember asjdjasbdja)

God kosuke,,,, he’s definitely one of those kinds of things where I have SO many thoughts about it and it is a really complicated character but any time I actually try to say anything about him or draw any of that interesting stuff, it all just comes out as incomprehensible mush bc I don’t really know how to explain it. They’re such a freak who kinda took on that role on his own and now I have lost all control of the wheel and am kinda just along for the ride now. If there is one thing they’ve got going for them at least, it’s that they are messyyyyyyy. Big hater like all the time. Even when he does like someone, he’s very cryptic and weird about it. Contrary to kosuke belief, fist fighting is NOT a love language, though he refuses to accept that.

Recently when I was thinking abt it, I think it’s interesting to kinda compare his dynamics with gingka and Kyoya bc those two specifically represent like, the two furthest extremes of kosuke’s kosukeness. They hate gingka bc they’re very against the whole idea of bonds and friendships and all that. I guess it’s interesting bc it’s not necessarily against the idea of bladers spirit in general, but when someone like gingka goes on and on about how important it is to build friendships with other bladers, Kosuke hates that bc of how much of a cynical person he is. In his mind, he is thriving on his own and it’s arrogant of gingka to assume that they would need to be friends with someone like him to be a “true blader” or whatever. Kosuke is a bit of a hypocrite though, and he doesn’t really fully realize that bc they’re kinda in denial about how really lonely they are, but it’s sort of seen in his attachment to kyoya. He gravitates towards Kyoya specifically because he appreciates Kyoya’s self-satisfactory nature. Kyoya very much does everything for himself and doesn’t generally care how that affects other people, and that’s something kosuke enjoys and finds a kinship in. In general, they find Kyoya very amusing and because Kyoya is such a hothead willing to give his best fight at any moment, Kosuke especially likes him since they themself are such an aggressive person and find the most satisfaction in fighting people.

Their relationship is so interesting because of how similar yet different they are. In a sense, Kosuke is kind of what Kyoya thinks he is, and that’s ultimately what causes their eventual conflict/falling out. What I mean by that basically is that while Kyoya insists he is independent and doesn’t need anyone else, ultimately, his bonds with others are very significant to him and he has a great amount of care for the people in his life even if he himself is unwilling to admit that and only shows it in really roundabout ways. Meanwhile, Kosuke is genuinely someone who hates getting attached to people and is generally very avoidant in any attachment that he does end up feeling. They keep a firm and unflinching wall between themself and others, kind of as a defense mechanism (though they DEFINITELY won’t admit that). That’s kind of shown best also by his dynamic with Tsubasa, where it, at one point, truly feels connected to Tsubasa, and at that point, takes the leap to really start showing some of their true colors around him, the sort of parts of its personality that are a bit more unnerving, yk. But when Tsubasa leans away from this and is, yk, understandably unnerved, Kosuke’s defenses IMMEDIATELY go back up and he distances himself from Tsubasa again. I’ve described their dynamic before as “Tsubasa being the only person who’s ever tempted Kosuke into wanting to be even slightly more normal” and that’s kinda the whole gist of it. Kosuke will never admit it, but they crave a bond with someone who will truly understand and accept them for who they are, freakishness and all, but they have never really found that, and have kinda given up all hope of ever really getting that in the first place, which informs their very cynical outlook on life. He only ever really sees the worst in people, and really, himself as well, and doesn’t expect anything more. Based around his own ways of experiencing the world, he believes that people are at their most authentic at their worst, which is why they constantly try to provoke other people.

But yeah anyways back to how them and Kyoya’s messiness, the specific way their outlook differs is what ultimately drives the wedge between them. Their rivalry is something they mutually enjoy a lot, but Kosuke expects to keep it at arms length, even when they do sort of feel some kind of feelings for Kyoya. Kyoya meanwhile, despite his usual avoidance, when he does start feeling more of a connection to Kosuke, starts showing signs of wanting to get closer to them, and that freaks Kosuke out. Basically Kosuke is so insane that somehow, Kyoya is the one who wants to have a somewhat normal actual relationship with it, which is really wild considering it is Kyoya. Ultimately, Kosuke knows this, knowing also that they can’t give Kyoya that, again, immediately in defense mode. They’re the self destructive kind of hypocrite, because despite the fact that Kyoya is someone who could begin to really understand him, that thought is immediately so terrifying to him that he can’t bear to really let that happen, but Kyoya, easy to frustration and anger, is easy to also stop wasting his time entertaining Kosuke. Kosuke’s ultimate biggest flaws are the fact that he is very self-centered while also being self-destructive and its stagnation and unwillingness to change are what ultimately create a hell of his own making. It’s resigned itself to its cynical worldview and has figured out how to keep himself entertained in that worldview, and while he consequently presents himself as collected and satisfied, truly, he is a deeply unhappy, unfulfilled person, though it doesnt take a genius to see that.

A bit of a sad thought I’ve kinda had about him: I’ve thought about making a shogun steel design for it but it’s hard because I can’t really imagine a future for it. The only things that i really know for sure is that it’d probably quit mercenary work by then, he wouldn’t have anyone really, and it’d probably smile a lot less because its kinda given up on trying to present itself as more put together than it really is.

[chipped-chimera]

So since the fates decided not to give me a idk ... big gay aunt to guide me along with my sexuality realisation, I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I'm 30 and I went off the dating market back when meeting someone online to date was considered 'novel'. Idk how the fuck to use dating apps.

So I guess I'll throw this cry for help to you, people who follow my blog apparently, in the case you have some insight? More deets below the cut oh god help me

Okay so basically - I think I am (somewhat hesitantly) ready to start looking at dating apps. I've kind of hit a point in my self-work where I think I could actually handle rejection - which was the entire reason I was holding off in the first place. Because I know I have a lot of potential "deal breakers" to contend with, getting to this point was my bare minimum.

So aside from the obvious I-have-never-used-a-dating-app-in-my-life problem, I guess my other problems are the following:

Do I disclose I am disabled on my profile? My disability is technically 'invisible' and while I absolutely could go hang out with someone at a bar or whatever it WILL knock me out for like ... two days. Especially right now where I haven't really done any big social-ey shit in a while. Idk how else I can explain that I will absolutely still want to do things with someone, I just have the energy habits of a house cat (sure I don't say nap every day anymore but sometimes I really just gotta lie in the dark ... Yeah :C )

Disability also kind of explains all the other deal breaker shit. I won't go into that. Aside from the obvious 'money ain't great' and I cannot avoid interdependence. Like I am still recovering and hoping for the best but I don't know what the end of this shit looks like. I know there is going to be permanent damage. But I also am not gonna bench myself until I'm 'well' (also because I'm touch starved and THIRTY).

Ugh, photos. Due to disability reasons (see I told you it explains everything) my irl social circle died years ago because I could just not keep up and I've had the photographic record of a cryptid for the past ten years. So now I have to basically go TAKE photos and it feels very forced. But I'm also aware apps are really visual, so idk - ideas? Tips?

Is there some obvious Lesbian space I'm missing? Am I missing the lesbian bat signal? I've joined Facebook groups for my city but they're quiet and tend to be populated by much older people (did I mention I hate Facebook?) Also apparently queer scene is kinda sucky in my city at the moment because one of our two gay bars changed ownership and it may as well just be a regular bar now. For the moment I've just been hanging out on Reddits to feel somewhat connected but it doesn't really help my irl situation and lack of social anything.

Yeah I am not selling myself here but I'd rather be honest early on and make sure anyone who isn't cut out for it or emotionally mature enough to handle that I have baggage (well treated baggage!) Is filtered out. But I also feel like putting disability right on my profile could result in a knee jerk reaction which would prevent them from even trying to get to know me. Like I do feel I have some really appealing things about me that I'm happy about, and I do think offset the bad - I've just had a rough time of it.

Augh idk. I'm lonely. And very confused. Anyways any kind of advice or insight would be highly appreciated 🥺

[hiddenbeks]

ocs as types of suffering + tragic love archetypes

tagged by @hibernationsuit to do a couple quizzes for some ocs, thank u red!!

tagging @narrayya @grimhygge @famewolf @abetterbeginning to do one or both of the quizzes if u want to, no pressure! suffering quiz here, tragic love quiz here <3

did the first quiz for my da girls:

ANDRALE MAHARIEL - yearning

"the pain in your chest bubbles knowing that what you want may never be yours. You're lost in a fantasy world, or consumed by what you wish you were or had as opposed to what you do. it's hard to appreciate what's around you when you're appreciating the hope of what could be instead."

yknow i often consider andrale my most well adjusted oc. she had a relatively stable childhood with friends and loving family. and despite developing a resentment of the world that hates her people as she grows older and desiring a world where things are different she's still mostly satisfied with her life? but this all changes after she becomes a warden. the first months are especially difficult as she's still in denial about her fate and the fact that she's never going back to her old life and indeed yearns for all that she has lost. she eventually learns to live again and enjoy her new life as best she can but she will always carry that sadness and regret and longing with her i think. you may see her happy and content one moment and the next she's staring blankly at nothing, lost in her memories of simpler days.

FRIDA HAWKE - self inadequacy

"you crack under the weight of your own perceived inability. how can you be enough for anyone else when you're just barely enough for yourself? insecurity causes you to have little backbone, and so you fail to reach your full potential when it comes to what you're best at. you sabotage opportunities with fear you'll fail before you've begun. it hurts to never feel like your best is enough, but setting your standards too high or too low ensures it."

i was fully expecting to get 'the giver' as a result for frida but this is accurate too! she never believes she is enough as a daughter or big sister or stand-in parent to the twins or champion or. anything. poor gal believes it's her job to carry the weight of the world and blames herself for not being or doing enough when she inevitably fails. oof

CELYN SURANA - loneliness

"your heart feels full of the connection you feel you lack. no matter how many people are around, strangers or not... someone is missing. you don't know who, what, or if you'll ever find them. you're unsure if there's a person out there who'll really satisfy your life, so really what's the point of continuing to look?"

hmm! celyn was indeed lonely at the circle save for jowan but i have to wonder if it was her own doing. though to be fair i doubt the circle fosters an environment supportive of making friends and forming genuine connections. and obviously the fact that it's partly her own doing doesn't make it any less painful. anyway. celyn put friendships aside in favor of studying and being The Very Best, hoping that advancement in the circle would bring her at least a tiny bit of autonomy and respect. this all leads to a hopeless loop of "i'm lonely and want friends" "don't know how to make friends so i won't even try". she slowly gets better after leaving the circle when andrale and friends coax/force her out of her shell because they need to work togetheeerrr. there's no team-building exercise quite like the blight and the impending end of the world am i right haha

anyway next up some tragic love:

ISABEAU MONET - caníbales; devourer

"love's a knife to skin to you, a vein to woven muscle, blood puddle before you. you listened to all the promises of a stranger's relief and feel the drain of a shower head running it all down again. you committed another murder; kissed and bruised skin with a clench to a quivering wrist and went home in the deafening quiet of a taxi. there's mold covered rage within you. if to take a heart home with you, you'd bite your way through muscle and ribcage first. pleasure comes, but there will be no devouring past it. there is fear in settling down and being seen. there is a glass screen between these bodies and you. relax your tight jaw and feel the real canine fear beneath that scabbed up cavity. the sacrifice of opening up is needed if to be loved as you deeply wish inside. desire doesn't discriminate between hands and spoken word. why should you?"

wowie!! i rarely get serious about isabeau because she's mostly a fun and sexy menace and has convinced even me that that's all there is to her but like. i shouldn't forget that she too is damaged underneath it all 😔 what twenty years of emotional neglect and lack of support from parents does to a gal...

[bread-tab]

as of this week i've made appointments to start seeing a new doctor AND a new therapist.

been nearly a year since i walked out on my old shitty therapist. very interesting year. a lot happening (a LOT a lot, oh my god). some bad. some very bad. but a lot of very very good. way more good than expected. more than i could have imagined, really, when i was trying—two years ago when i saw the change coming, looming and blocking out all beyond it like a total wave, and i was mainly grieving and terrified.

also a lot of self-reflection, and on the flip side a lot of getting lost in the moment and forgetting myself.

(it's like how, when i'm unmedicated (like now), i can remember what it's like for my brain to be working better, but i can't really remember until i'm back on meds and all the neural pathways line up again. and yes here i am comparing talking to emotionally intelligent people (professionals) with being on prescription drugs. c'est la vie)

before this i had gone through around five years of therapy and had never taken a significant break. i got used to having a companion in my introspective adventures. a touchstone to keep me from wandering back into all my old bad habits. i was so afraid to give that up.

in the end, i didn't have much choice. so i got up and walked out and started walking my lonely road (as green day might put it) again. but this time, i found, i had the ghosts of therapists past walking with me. it was not at all the same.

i didn't realize how much i had changed until i could compare those two oh-so-different solitudes.

because, in the time that therapy was working for me, i learned so much. i learned it and damn well applied it. how to cry in front of someone. how to be upset and yet not feel like the world was ending. how to let my emotions exist. how to let the world exist and face the shape of my life without trying to force it to change. how to talk to someone. how to build trust, like a bridge, with my own two hands.

i associated all that with being in therapy; i didn't know it had become part of me.

my dear good therapist taught me how to ask for help. my shitty therapist taught me some other stuff which i don't think she intended to; and in the midst of that mess of mixed gems and slag it emerged: the clarity of contrast, to appreciate all i had learned and was capable of. the motivation of spite (justice!) to seize back my agency:

"i can do a better job at this

(the business of helping myself)

than you."

i would not choose to make anyone else use that method to learn, but it was what i had, and i damn well learned. i know better. i know myself better. i don't need to feel insecure about this. i am done with the starvation of waiting for cruel people's mercy.

(i am on the hunt for a kinder world, and i am a persistence predator.)

it is strange to anticipate this new venture into therapy, with all my changed motivation. i have my guard so far up. yet i am somehow, simultaneously, ready to open up, to be (in the eyes of my past self) unfathomably honest and extend enough of an olive branch of vulnerability to form a genuine connection, to tackle both my truest struggles and my "unacceptable" flaws. a surreal synthesis.

i am ready to ask for help and i am ready to walk out if i'm not getting it. i'm done wasting time. my fears and desires have narrowed down to the knife-edge of needing to be a better person.

i am ready to get to work.

[a-god-in-ruins-rises]

2, 15, 18, 19 for the pagan ask

lmao another pretty long one. keep reading if you dare.

2. What draws you to your Gods? What do you like about them?

i like that they're good and true and powerful and inspiring. they embody virtues and qualities that we, as mortals, aspire to emulate. zeus and his justice, athena and her wisdom, dionysus and his vitality, etc. also, they offer us ample opportunity to celebrate. the festivals, rituals and offerings allow us, through joy and sacrifice and meditation, to stop a moment and really appreciate this gift of life. the gods embody the essence of nature and through them we are able to connect ourselves to a larger cosmic order and recognize the divinity inherent in every aspect of life. i can keep going but you get the picture.

15. Are you faithful to one specific pantheon or is your belief more eclectic?

i consider myself to be a sort of perennialist with special emphasis on indo-european pantheons. i view all indo-european pantheons as different expressions of the same fundamental metaphysical principles, as they all come from the same source. of all the pantheons in the world i think they come closest to approximating some kind of "truth" about the world. so i'm "receptive" to all indo-european pantheons, a sort of indo-european syncretism.

with that said, i do tend to primarily focus on germanic, greco-roman, and vedic pantheons. but that's mostly because that's where the bulk of our information about prechristian indo-european paganism comes from. (and also i am, genetically, mostly germanic and my country is, spiritually, connected to greco-roman civilization.)

which god and from which pantheon i invoke and/or venerate in a given moment is pretty ad hoc. sometimes it's jupiter, sometimes it's zeus, sometimes it's indra or odin or woden or taranis. it depends on what feels right in a given moment. if i'm out in the woods doing something with my asatru buddies and i'm surrounded by runes or something then i'll probably emphasize the norse pantheon.

so yeah, i'm pretty "eclectic" and syncretic but within the bounds of indo-european paganisms. but i don't really think of it as particularly eclectic since i consider them all to be expressions of the same principles. but i get that it probably appears pretty eclectic compared to people who are devoted to a single pantheon. but i have my opinions about what it even means to have a single pantheon. historically, pantheons can be pretty expansive and syncretic. but everyone draws a line somewhere.

18. What are your thoughts on godspousing?

oh god. the way i typically see it expressed? it's really really really fucking cringe. probably one of the cringiest parts of neopaganism. it's so bad. i have seen so many women who claim to be married loki and they treat it like a real romantic/sexual relationship where they have sex and go on dates and stuff. it's fucked. lmao. i hate it so much. it always reads like a mentally ill, horny, lonely woman who conjures up an imaginary friend to cope and to feel like the main character.

however! i have seen /some/ people on very rare occasions where people treat it with more respect. kinda like christian nuns. women who devote themselves to a /spiritual/ marriage to a god. i don't know of any historical examples of such a thing but i think it's fair. like i said in another ask, i'm all in favor of creating new traditions. if someone feels so compelled to dedicate themselves to a god like that then so be it. i'm personally not a fan of celibacy but different strokes for different folks and all that. this is a very different thing from the type of "godspousing" i typically see though.

with all that being said i do want to make note that i /do/ believe experiencing the divine can definitely have an erotic/sexual component and i think sex has great magical/spiritual power. but i think there's a distinction between some erotic, orgasmic religious ecstasy versus a lonely, horny woman playing house with their imaginary friend.

19. How have your Gods affected your life?

in countless ways. literally. both in great ways and in small ways. they govern this world i live in and give it order and beauty and they bless me and my family with health and well-being. even before i was "officially" a pagan i believe they were always with me and subtly guiding and protecting me. they inspire me. like i mentioned earlier. but not just through embodying virtues that i admire. but also by filling my spirit with beauty and hope and wonder. they inspire ideas in me and this fire to create and achieve. and indeed, everything i ever create or everything i achieve is always, at least in part, in honor of them because i owe them literally everything. i like around and i'm just overwhelmed by all the ways in which they move through the world and my life and fill it with so much beauty and goodness. they are in all things. it's impossible for me to conceive of a way in which they haven't affected my life.

[0721am]

21st July 2023 neighbouring country

என் அன்பே, பாரிஷ்,  @thelilacdews

One of the famous quotes by Shakespeare is - "With mirth and laughter, let old wrinkles come." Nah-huh, we are not going to let the wrinkles near us. As active members of Seokjin-the-great community, our Father, Kim Seokjin, blessed us with eternal grace, dad-humour, and beauty. You and I shall age like a fine wine!  

Fret not, my dear friend - our journey henceforth shall be smooth as butter. (Yeah, very smooth!)

Happiest Birthday, Barisha! You are admired, loved, and appreciated more than you will know. Well, dearest, I will let you know so that you feel sincere affection. May joy and peace bloom in your heart year along. May your life fill every year with love, sweet devotion, and money! 

While searching for some pictures for the birthday post, I landed on the lyrics of 'To You' by Darumdarinda Gang, Seventeen. Darumdarinda was stuck in my head for the past few weeks, hehe! 

The verses go like this —

In a swirling day You've given me a piece of happiness You've placed all of the smiles in the world in my hands So even if I run out of breath on a steep road Even when I lose my path during a cold day We're still holding hands with warmth

I had always spoken about holding hands. That's why finding these verses was a pleasant surprise to me. These words precisely capture and convey my feelings. You, who inspired me to go after the happiness and joy I lost over these years, are so dear to me that I no longer find the future dreadful. Well, the future is intimidating but not scary anymore. All of this is because of your constant love and care. 

Where you are is where I want to be. Your friendship is not just a word or a simple label; it's a place, a home far away from the darkness that is our chaotic world. 

I'm so excited to welcome 25 with you. Deep down in my heart, I feel this year will turn out well for us, although I'm curious about 25. What kind of moments will we share? What kind of happiness will we enjoy? I'm utterly-butterly curious! 

Barisha, so much has happened in your life. You graduated, landed a job, and even got a promotion. Many years of hard work are finally paying off. You're reaping what you sow all these years. 

You graduated when we had a conflict. I feel sad thinking I couldn't be part of your big day. I'm really proud of you. And I apologize for being a terrible person during those moments. Honestly, I didn't know whether to wish you or not. My experiences taught me to stay quiet. I don't know what to feel about this anymore. One thing is for sure — I do not wish to miss any special moments in your life. Your happiness means a lot to me. Being there for you in your happiness makes me feel alive. I wanted to send you a bouquet for your graduation. Of course, duh, I'm broke. So, I'm sending you a mood board of flowers that have special meanings! 

Our birthday perfectly fits in the calendar where the surrounding events are significant to us. BTS's birthday is on 13th June. ARMY day is on 9th July. BTS always plans something for ARMY day. This year, we got SEVEN from Jungkook, our puppy hopeless romantic human. This universe plans for our birthday more meticulously than us. She knew that we deserved the best. 

As I always said, you were the answer to my prayers. 

I love you for many reasons. Because you're genuine, sentimental, and the most fantastic person on this planet. Because you work at our friendship with as much care and focus as you do when you go on an art-hunting spree. Because with you, I never felt lonely and scared. Because you make world a better place. Because you believe in me. Because you gently held my vulnerable side and protected it with your everything. Because I feel safe with you. Because whenever I forget who I am, you always remind me of things that makes me. Because of you, I connected with many parts of myself. Because you are simply amazing. 

I love you to the moon and back. I love you more than your Pogo loves you. Sending loads kisses and hugs to you! 

You're the best thing ever happened. 

I want to raise a toast!

I met you when I was 18.  Now, we are celebrating our 25th birthday together.  Seven years of friendship.  Six years of celebrations To the happiest memories, more and forever. 

Once again, Happiest Birthday, darling! I love you so much, Chingu-yah. VMIN will die of jealousy if they learn about our friendship, hehe. Thank you for putting all of yours into our friendship. Have an amazing day, my sweet love!

— with love, Teeeee!

[ace-and-slutty]

83% also anonymous still because I am shy

That's okay, I appreciate you still connecting with me, please feel free to use anon any time!

And the short answer is I have never had an orgy, it might surprise people how little I've done sexually haha. And I'd be open to it if I knew the people I think, and what my relationship status was at the moment.

To ramble on a bit, I'm ace, kinky and sex neutral with a huge praise kink and I am VERY touch starved at the moment. I am single and lonely and so even though I'd happily never have sex again I like all the COMPONENTS of sex. No one kisses me outside of hookups or cuddles me or sweet talks me. If I trust you, and you'll hold me, you can do just about anything you like to me. However, since I don't really experience sexual attraction, if I'm getting that intimacy and tenderness with my partner, I don't have much interest in sex unless they want that from me.

Thank you for the ask!!!

[otomelavenderhaze]

Ahhhh I just love how this album keeps growing on everyone lol

It might be because I got used to Fortnight being the single pretty quickly, but compared to ttpd, it has a beat that probably works best for a music video. Then again 'begin again' got a video so perhaps I'm just biased by what I already know(?)

Agreed! I listened to the album with a friend and we heard bits of old songs in them and got to the conclusion that Taylor's gonna have so much fun doing mash-ups on tour hahah

And you got me to agree again about if we ever get something similar to the long pond sessions!! I would DIE DEAD

Anyway, it was so nice to talk about Taylor with someone! Have a nice day hon! 🤍

Not in everyone. Because it's a different album and because people cannot fandom that an album called The Tortured Poets Department isn't the beacon of modern and deep poetry, they're losing their minds.

Like, sure, Folkore and Evermore have more writing quality, they feel in their own right as really poetry and narrative driven albums and even without it, at least, they captured a very specific moment in human life a moment that doesn't come often in our story. Just for that I feel like those albums are masterpiece. They capture isolation, escapism, dreams, broken plans and introspection really well - and it all got even bigger when listen during a world wide pandemic.

I was never the type of person to just go out and appreciate the day. I live in a big city when the closest park to me is like a huge pod with a small piece of greenery around, there's sure something beautiful about it, but I never went there on my own. However, when everything shut down during the pandemic, I immediately got immersed into Stardew Valley and other games that bring me a sense of open natural places, with green and blue, and nature.

Folkore and Evermore have a lot of that but in music form, how melancholy and slow and introspective most of the songs are, and it was what I needed at that time to just not let all the despair settle in.

That's when music shows it's value, when we feel less lonely or understood even if for a slip of second, and honestly, it's easy to find in many artists, but it's so shitty seeing people missing that point, y'know??

Maybe Taylor Swift isn't a tortured poet, maybe she's just someone who feels things deeply, who's deeply insecure, who's weak and a people pleaser, however, it's not about taking it seriously or in the most truthful of the word you can be, it's all art, it's all show, it's all about presenting a narrative and, brodosvisky, don't we all do that in our daily basis?? Don't we all perform and exaggerate and feel raw and unseen???

That's why in a deep level people can connect with Taylor's songs, even in an album that isn't necessarily our favorite.

I do hope she sings the new songs in the acoustic and surprise song of the eras tour, the mash-up are my new favorite thing to listen to. In the end we all love our acoustic songs. We all basic like that and aight nothing wrong about it. Like acoustic songs are almost cultural to me cuz I grew up with my parents listening to MPB (POP brazilian music but not really pop like North American music). So much so that I used to have an acoustic guittar myself. I did classes and everything but I was never really good about or even capable of playing a whole song perfectly.

It is so nice to talk to someone about Taylor!!! It's fun too!! Your asks were a big reason to why I went back and properly listen to the album too, I am glad I gave it another chance. Bye!!! Have a good day!!! And see ya. Thank you so much about the asks!!

[soonyoullgetbetterx]

1 step forward, 3 steps back

Friendship, Lover, Family, any connection with other people tends to be hard and unpredictable. At times it feels like you're making positive progress akin to taking a step forward. With the unpredictability that entails, when a conflict or fight arises it could feel like you're taking three steps back. If this dynamic doesn't look up some time soon, with time it will only worsen and you'll end up parting ways eventually.

I was in a conversationship like this several times. During several different phases of my life. Just when I felt happy that I heard from them or we got to spend some quality time, the next day they would treat me as if I didn't exist at all. I'm suspicious that this hot and cold behaviour activated some attachment system or unresolved issue in me that got me on a hamster wheel with no way out.

Looking back, I wish younger me would've known better and walked away before she beat herself up over people who only care about themselves. It took me a really long time and plenty of self work to get to the point of where I am now. Knowing when to walk away when their actions no longer match their words, instead of giving them chances after chances. Making them think they can come and leave as they please, usually only when they're lonely or it's convenient for them.

Perhaps I crave connection so bad that I'd ignore the red flags as long as I could feel the tiniest bit of connectedness. With time I learned, being alone doing things that are enriching for me are much better than connections that are draining -no matter how familiar or good it feels at the moment. In the long run, if it's not reciprocal it's better to run away and never look back, rather than staying put hoping they'll see what's in front of them. Especially when people are so diverse and unique. There will come a time when I meet my people who will cherish me as I am as well as my companionship -without me having to perform or walk on eggshells.

As an illustration, let's say some people are chocolate, cheese, or yogurt. As scrumptious chocolates, cheeses, or yogurts are there are always people who simply won't try or enjoy them. Instead of forcing a cheese hater to love cheese, it's much easier and probably better too to be with cheese lovers in the first place. Even when you're a stinky blue cheese, cheese lovers would still find a way to enjoy and appreciate you.

The same goes with chocolates and yogurts people. Be with people who are chocolates and yogurts lover. Then, no matter how bitter or sour you are, these people will always look for you, enjoy you, cherish you, and find ways to appreciate you. You'll be wasting your time trying to prove yourself to people who hates chocolates or yogurts or simply perhaps lactose intolerant to tolerate chocolates or yogurts.

No matter how great you are. You could be made out of the finest ingredients in the world and these people would still find faults within you or things to blame on you. Imagine a lactose intolerant person eating the best milk chocolate in the world and ended up with a messed up digestion, they'll say it's from the chocolate they ate. Very rarely people would say it's because of their decision to eat said chocolate in the first place. You'll rarely -if ever, feel safe being connected to people who aren't compatible with you.

It's not a matter of pointing fingers trying to point out whose fault it is that a connection doesn't work out. It's simply a matter of compatibility. Some people, no matter how great they are simply just aren't compatible with you (and vice versa) and there's no one to blame. That's okay. We all have our own people and just like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, there are only a number of people we could connect with. We're not meant to connect with everyone and that's okay too.

Don't be a stranger,

soonyoullgetbetterx

[dnvrsmedia]

Satellite

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Word Count : 818

Summary: After a long line of people misusing your love, Wanda is there to pick up the pieces. *Inspired by the song Satellite by Harry Styles*

Authors note: This is very much self indulgent & kinda very bad so don’t mind me. My mental health has been not the greatest so this is really just a vent post. My requests are open if anyone would like me to write something ! Take care of yourselves <3

you do not have my permission to repost my material and claim it is yours. that is plagerism.

likes and reblogs are always welcomed and appreciated !

———————- ;

With your floormate being Wanda, she sensed something was wrong. She never likes to listen in on others thoughts without their permission, yet she couldn’t help it. Your thoughts being too loud and distressing for her to ignore. She is grateful for accidentally listening as she hears the scream. Thinking the worst, Wanda rushes to your room. Wanda has watched in the shadows as this person who broke your heart strung along. It has hurt her every time to see you like this. Putting on a brave face for her and your friends, breaking down the moment you are alone. Yet she never grew the courage to take control and tell you about her feelings. After tonight, she decides it’s time for a change.

“Detka? Open up for me, okay? It’s me.” You hear Wanda’s gentle voice through the door as you try to compose yourself. You step on broken shards with no care as your expression reflects the numbness you crave. You open the door as your eyes don’t even lock with the witch.

“Oh, honey…” Is all you hear before you break down into her arms. Whispers of ‘you’re okay’ and ‘i’m here’ amongst others were spoken into your ear as Wanda cradles you into her arms. She doesn’t even care about the mess or that you’ll need to go shopping for new furniture. All of her attention is put into mending your broken heart.

“I can see you’re lonely, don’t you know that I am right here?” Wanda speaks as you start to calm down.

“Why don’t you see that none of these people are worth your time? They don’t deserve you or your attention. You can do so much better, baby. So much better.” You lift your head to look Wanda in the eyes for the first time that night.

“Like who?” You ask with a glint of hope in your eyes.

“Me. It’s always been me and I am so sorry for letting you go on this long without knowing that I want you. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that you’re mine. I want to brag about you and your accomplishments because you are the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I have just been waiting for you to come to me so I could pull you in, yet I should have done the chasing.”

Your breath hitches. This isn’t right. Why does she want you?

“Why do you care about me?” You ask out of curiosity. “That’s not something people just do. You know that.” Wanda looks genuinely hurt at this question. You’ve never seen this amount of love in someone’s eyes. Not when they’re looking into yours.

“Because…because I know I love you. I love everything about you and I have hopelessly fallen for you. I promise that I mean every word I say. I plan on making you believe me until my last breath. I love you, darling.” Wanda whispers as she leans in to connect your plump-from crying-lips.

The kiss is filled with passion yet a love like you’ve never felt before. You weren’t left feeling used or drained. Wanda was a force that breathed life back into you

[hispipsqueak]

Sweet Dreams

(Obey Me) Belphegor x F!Reader NSFW

Summary: Late night texts lead to a spicy adventure in the attic. Who said night time was for sleeping?

WC: 1.8K

TW: Hard Dom Belphie, humiliation, degradation, name-calling, pillow humping, facial, dacryphilia, spit, demon dick anatomy

A/N: Hello! Here’s some mean Belphie to flutter your hearts. I love dom Belphie and while I do think he can be a soft sweetie, I CLEARLY love me some mean boys. Hope you like it! As always, likes and reblogs are heckin’ appreciated!

3:42 A.M.

Your D.D.D buzzed, waking you up. Cracking an eye open, you opened the message, ready to curse Mammon out if he and Asmo were drunk texting you again.

“Hey.”

Typical Belphie. How do you even respond to that? You closed your eyes again. Maybe if he texted more than one word you would –

*BZZ*

“I know you’re awake, MC”

You rolled your eyes. 

“What’s up Belphie? It’s 3 AM by the way. You of all people should be asleep right now.”

His response was immediate.

“Can’t sleep. Come to the attic.”

Your bed was so warm and comfortable. And he wanted you to walk all the way to the attic? He really was insane.

Another text came in.

“Please?”

You groaned, pulling yourself away from the soft comforter and pillows. Normally, you would have just ignored him until he fell asleep but you were a sucker for soft Belphie, the side he rarely showed anyone but Beel and you. With Beel being out for a tournament, you knew he was probably struggling with being alone.

You silently crept to the attic, knowing the brothers would throw a fit if they knew you were sneaking into Belphie’s room at night.

You knocked quietly on the heavy attic door and Belphie opened it with a sleepy smirk. His navy hair was tousled and he looked so smug for getting you to come to his room in the middle of the night. Stupid handsome bastard.

“I’m here Belph. What do you want?”, you yawned. He tugged you in the room, locking the door behind you.

 You laid in his bed, pulling his cow print pillow to your chest as you tried to get comfortable, expecting him to curl up next to you to sleep. A few moments passed and you peeked over at him, still standing by the door staring at you.

You weren’t planning on seeing anyone in the middle of the night so you were just wearing a pair of tiny pink shorts and a tank top. You felt his eyes roaming over your skin, and you pulled the sheets around you.

“Don’t tell me you just brought me here because you’re horny.” You muttered, glaring at him. You weren’t opposed to hooking up but playing the soft, lonely demon card? 

He grinned, and you felt a shiver run down your spine.

“What if I did? You gonna complain about it, little human?” He murmured, moving so he was standing in front of you. You had to crane your neck to look in his eyes and you had a feeling he relished looking down on you like this. 

You couldn’t deny you were turned on. Belphie had a way of commanding the situation when you were alone and though he appeared to be the sarcastic sleepy brother, you knew behind closed doors he would have you on your knees, begging for him.

But, you were still kind of pissed at being woken up. So, you decided to tease him.

“Belphie, I’m sleeeeeepy. I came here to sleep.” You whined, making a show of turning around and cuddling his pillow. You knew your shorts were riding up on your thighs, hugging the curves of your ass and you wrapped your leg around the pillow.

“Better bite the pillow.” He said quickly before smacking your ass, HARD. You yelped, shoving the pillow over your mouth so as to not wake anyone.

“Belphie, what the fuck?!” You angrily whisper-shouted at him, as your body wiggled in an attempt to soothe the stinging pain. He laughed, and tugged you around so you were facing him.

“Keep acting like a brat. I can do this all night.” His amethyst eyes glinted sadistically. You pouted, but stayed quiet.

“You gonna behave?” He asked, tilting your chin so you looked up at him. Fuck, you looked so good like this. You were feisty and fiery, a general pain in the ass all the time, so knowing he could make you submit to him stroked his ego immensely. 

You nodded, still pouting and he chuckled.

“Open.”

Immediately, your mouth opened and he let a glob of spit fall from his mouth on your tongue. You opened your mouth to show him your tongue for approval. He gave a short nod and you swallowed.

“Good little human.”

You rolled your eyes, though you couldn't keep from pressing your thighs together. As much as you wanted to pretend you were in control, you were playing a game with a literal demon. 

"I can smell your arousal. Fuck, I'm amazed my brothers haven't come up here since you're dripping like a whore. Just because I spit in your mouth?" Belphie taunted. Your eyes narrowed and you bit your lip, before looking away.

He gripped your hair, tugging it tightly. His eyes bore into your soul.

"You wanna act like a brat? I had plans to fuck you till you cried from pleasure. And yet, you seem to just want to be punished." 

He looked at the pillow that you had left tangled in his bedsheets, the pillow you had stretched your body over, taunting him. A wicked idea formed in his mind.

"You know what happens to brats like you?" He asked, yanking you to the floor. You looked up at him questioningly, a little scared but very turned on.

"Answer me, slutty human."

"N-no...I don't know." You said tentatively. He chuckled darkly.

"Naughty little brats don't get to cum on my cock. Fuck, naughty little brats may not get to cum at all."

You let out a whine, frustrated at this turn of events.

"You wanna cum? Get on your knees. Maybe if you do a good job, I'll take pity on your pathetic slutty pussy."

He pulled his cock out, slapping it against your cheek as he laughed. His cock was long and ridged, with a flared tip. Demon cocks, unlike human's, were made to fuck and breed, and you were spoiled having spent so long in the Devildom.

You parted your lips, as he slapped his member on your drooling tongue, before taking it deep into your mouth. His hands tangled in your hair as he fucked your face.

"Fuck, that's it slut. Take me down your throat. Just like that." 

Tears pricked at the corner of your eyes as you forced more of him down. Your jaw already ached but you kept your mouth wide, struggling not to gag on his length as his heavy balls smacked your chin. You squeezed your legs together, hoping he would take pity on you.

"Poor little human, desperate to get off. You want to ride my cock?" He asked, pulling you off his cock harshly. Strings of saliva connected the two of you. You gasped, gulping air down as you nodded.

He grabbed the pillow from the bed and threw it at you.

"Too bad. Use this. Put on a good show, and maybe I’ll fuck you.”

Your face burned with embarrassment.

“You can’t be serious.” You looked up at him. He moved his face right in front of yours, so close you could feel his warm breath on your cheek as he squeezed your face, so tightly it hurt.

“Wanna find out?”

He let go of your cheeks and shoved you back to the floor. Your eyes watered with embarrassment, shame, and yet you were so fucking turned on, you knew you would be leaving a wet patch on his pillow.

You straddled the body pillow and the slight friction of the pillow against your cunt made you whimper. You squeezed the pillow tightly between your thighs, slowly riding it, pathetic mewls falling from your mouth. You closed your eyes, trying to pretend you were in your room and not being scrutinized by the sadistic seventh-born.

“Eyes on me whore. And don’t you dare think about cumming without permission.” He smirked. You looked up at him as tears spilled down your cheeks. You wanted so badly to grind yourself on the pillow until you creamed all over it but you knew he would find more humiliating ways to torment you if you dared.

“Take off your shirt. Don’t know why the fuck you’re wearing it anyway. You’re just a fucktoy for me to use. Isn’t that right, little human?” He laughed as he sat back in a chair, watching you perform for him. He slowly palmed his cock as you pulled off your tank top, the cold air causing your nipples to harden.

“Pinch them, show me how much of a slut you are. Show me why I should even bother with you.” His hand tightened on his cock.

You wrapped your legs around the pillow tighter to hold it in just the right spot as you tugged and pinched at your breasts. Your soft moans filled the room and you knew you couldn’t last much longer like this.

“Please Belphie, c-can’t hold it in...please fuck me.” You sobbed out, your muscles tensing as you rubbed your clit against the black and white fabric. You could feel the wetness of the pillow against your thighs and knowing that your slick would be embedded in it turned you on even more.

“You can beg better than that, can’t you slut?” Belphie chuckled again, but you could see his grip tightened around the base of his cock and he was jerking himself off faster. 

“Fuck...please, please let me cum. Want to cum for you, want to be your slutty fucktoy. Wanna be good for you.” You cried, biting your lip so hard you could taste blood.

“Cum.” he panted out.

Your eyes rolled back as you gushed around the soaking pillow. Your legs were squeezing it so tightly you knew you would be sore tomorrow, and you drooled out a mixture of curses and Belphie’s name as you came down from your high.

Suddenly Belphie let out a low groan and your face was hit with an explosion of warm, sticky cum. You slammed your eyes shut as he pumped load after load onto your skin. His seed spilled down your chin and dripped over your breasts.

‘Fuck, fuck MC. Fuck, I’m sorry!” Belphie breathed out, half laughing while attempting to catch his breath. You leaned back on the bed, trying to avoid getting it in your eye.

“You’re such an ass Belphie.” You whined, pouting as he cleaned you up with a towel.

After cleaning up, the two of you lay back in the bed, his head nuzzled into your chest. You ran your fingers through his dark hair humming softly.

“Hey MC.” He whispered.

“Hey yourself.” You whispered back.

The room was silent and you thought he fell asleep finally. You closed your eyes. Finally, his voice broke the calm silence.

“My pillow is gonna smell like you FOREVER.”