#anyway im tired. and broke. and tired
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1 year left of college and i just got a notification from said colege that i dont count as an eligible noncitizen because im still in "asylum seeker" limbo which means im not eligible for any financial aid and im like this close to just giving up
#every year im like maybe this year well get a response from the govt#and every year we dont so i dotn count as an asylee but im also ineligible for a student visa or any other kind of visa#because i already have a process going on#and i should be getting both federal and state aid. both on a merit and a need basis. but i am not#and college is expensive. and im tired. and im gonna graduate and then do NOTHING with my degree#because an undergrad in psych is pretty much worthless unless you wanna work hr#like if you wanna do anything in the field you NEED at least a masters#anyway im tired. and broke. and tired
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I'm always pushing you away from me / but you come back with gravity / and when I call, you come home
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#yuuji#megumi#deleted scene gege told me#god im not over 266 i will never ever ever be over 266#im so incredibly unwell abt them i cant believe this is the timeline we live in#itafushi friday....itafushi everyday.....#decided 2 forgo my usual miku and broke out the emo playlist fr this one . breaking my own heart :3#how many itfs embraces do i need to draw until i successfully manifest it in canon#gege i beg i plead pls let them H U G#they r so traumatized they r so touch starved pls hug pls contact pls Holds/Is Hold#anyway if megumi's height is inconsistent no it isn't <3 if he looks like 2 completely different ages no he doesnt <33#......kids r Hard guys gomen i tried my best#honestly it's probably not even that bad i think its the arm angle in the first one thts throwing me#i had to play around w it so much that i think im just tired of looking at it#megumi voice whatever !!!!!#thats not important the important thing is Itafushi Hug#and i do believe i met my quota in that regard#also yes my pen pressure Is still dying thank u fr asking but i did this fr them Anyway pls clap
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the eternal yapper is back at it
#do not be suprised if you cannot read any of it#bad handwriting + broke my phone camera and this is just...#a photo of my ipad idk man i didnt think#im tired n i felt bad for not postin much#they zip bombed vlad#i did HEAVILY consider making this a danny n tucker doodle#cuz like bros n bromance (i have no idea what im talking about)#anyway#doodle#ignore it#i havent gotten to like look away and look back to its likely the anatomy is SEVERLY wrong#and it taked more than 2 seconds to flip my canvas so i dont#like ever#and super sorry for doing light neon green lineart on a purple nackground it was a terrible idea i was just bored#sorry the demons got out and i made the tags rlly long#danny phantom#danny phantom fanart#dp fanart#danny phantom art#danny fenton#dp#dp dan#dan phantom#phanart#phandom#r those tags danny ohantom related#idgaf im too tired to check before i post this 😔#danielle phantom#dani phantom#i love danny with an i
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1) this might be the MOST embarrassing thing I post here ever…I was TRYING to escanciar bien but 😳…I SWEAR I DID A GOOD JOB UNTIL MY BF FILMED ME😭😭 pouring cider like this is a lot of fun and traditional to where I live🥰 (also you can hear the traditional bagpipes in the background😆)
traditional asturian cider (sidra asturiana) is VERY dry…not sweet at all, and it’s poured like this to aerate it. You have to pour in very small amounts and then drink it super fast before the carbonation leaves. There are special lids etx that you can put on the bottle though so that it pours a lot more easily and you don’t end up spilling all of it like I did😭😆
ANYWAYS every year my city does the cider festival…and we try to break the world record for the most people pouring cider at the same time. We didn’t get it this year😔🙏 but two years ago we did!! It started raining a little bit an hour before we were supposed to do it & lots of people bailed🙄 it rains every day here…what did they expect…
2) the sunrises lately have been so beautiful!!!💓
3) the gremlins👹
4) some of my “normal” art…I don’t really post it here but I like how this one turned out a lot💓
#IM TIRED OF BEING SO SICK😭😭😭😭😭#like the fever broke a few days ago but I’m STILL SO TIRED…so bored…so blah…#I’ve just been walking when I feel fine and watching lots of movies etc#maybe today I’ll do another drawing💓#anyways it’s been a long time since I did a diary post bc I feel like I have nothing interesting or anything#but maybe you’ll find the cider thing funny😆😆#everyone is always so surprised Asturias is part of Spain…our traditional things are NOTHING like the Spanish stereotype..#and the bagpipes are so funny😭😭 I try to avoid them in the streets bc the noise hurts my ears#but from far away I do like hesring them#ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE AN AMAZING DAY😙💓😙💓
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people who think clem surviving makes no sense are so funny. "they were literally foreshadowing her death the entire season" let me introduce you to the concept of a red herring. she tells lilly she isnt lee and shes right. the narrative was forcing her down that path, a path she saw as an inevitable fate waiting to take her too, but its a narrative broken by aj, who is also his own person and not S1 clem
"it happened to lee, and itll happen to you" lilly tells clem she'll die protecting aj from some mistake he makes, when in reality his defiance of her will is what saves her life after she had already accepted her fate. he breaks clem free from the lee cycle and they get their relatively happy ending. good for them
#anyway in the commentary they talk about how they Were going to have a death ending but didnt like the idea of the good/bad ending#and how people would moreso try to avoid the 'bad end' which i understand and appreciate bc thats usually what happens#so instead they gave us both :) idk why some people seem to have such a huge problem with that#they broke the cycle :) the ericson kids broke the cycle by being a loving community :) they all break the cycle by refusing the delta#lilly and minnie were both lost to the cycle. lilly with her dad and minnie with lilly#minnie couldnt let go. clem almost did the same and it would have killed her too. but aj makes a Choice and it saves her#god even tho clem is noticeably happier in s4 shes still so gd depressed and Tired. she accepted it so fast im so glad he saved her#like idk you saw her come back on screen after that massive fake out and you got Mad?? i was crying twice as hard#i know ive made this similar post before but like i still see this criticism in 2024 and i just have to laugh now#it speaks#twdg#i just love the narrative threads of S4 bro.... seasons 1 and 4 are two sides of the same coin and i love that. its satisfying
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i do not want to dig a hole but i am too much of a laura bailey pc enjoyer to not make this post so:
selfishness ≠ a lack of kindness
selfishness is a theme that has come up with all of laura's main campaign pcs. that doesn't mean that her characters are always making selfish choices or that they don't care about the rest of the people they're with or that they're not good. it's just that, for the most part, the first thing they're thinking of when they take action or make choices is themselves.
in jester and vex both it is more typical and obvious selfishness. vex's developed because she needed it to keep herself and vax alive and as safe as possible and it grew into a behaviour that she had to actively work to avoid. it's evident in her greed, her theft of the broom, her reaction to her own death which relied heavily on i'm okay/i survived to which keyleth reminded her that she wasn't the only one who had to witness and reckon with her death. in jester's case, she grew up in an environment that literally trained her to make every decision based on two things - her mother's opinion and her own. so, when she's out in the world without marion for the first time, her choices are those that will benefit her and her actions are those that consider her own thoughts and not really many others' (aside from the traveler's).
it isn't a criticism of either vex or jester to say that they are characters who act selfishly. in fact, i'd argue that to claim otherwise does a great disservice to exactly how immense both of their character arcs are. because the nuance of both jester and vex is that they are selfish, and they also hold extreme room for self-sacrifice and empathy. vex is much more brash than jester is, and jester is much more trusting than vex, but both of them are characters who begin with selfish impulses who grow with them. neither ever truly shed those impulses, but they use them in new ways, typically transforming them into impulses towards things that are in the best interest of the party.
you may have noticed the lack of imogen in this post about laura bailey pcs and that's because of two reasons. one, we are an unknown amount of time into her story, i can't analyse her development the same way i can vex and jester's. two, imogen's selfishness isn't the blatant quasi-self-aware selfishness that we see in things like jester complaining about her lack of money to caleb or vex stealing a broom. instead, imogen's is very internal, like a lot of laura's character work with imogen. it is a bit similar to jester’s in the sense that it comes from a lack of awareness moreso than vex’s practiced behaviour, but imogen’s is a lot more tied to inherent beliefs she has about the world and the people in it.
as a consequence of her powers, imogen sees people's thoughts as their entirety, she holds it above their actions to be the truth of who they are - to act against what they think or to say something that doesn’t cohere with what they’ve thought is akin to lying, so for her to act empathetically is to act in tandem with what someone else’s thoughts are, not how they act, which is typically not all that wanted. the same as vex’s greed and jester’s naivety, this is a trait that makes narrative sense and it’s one i find quite compelling, especially when read in the vein of someone struggling through trauma that has made them assume that the world is against them. imogen’s cynicism is coherent cynicism, i can’t say that in a similar situation i wouldn’t have the same predisposition towards the world.
the part that is particularly self-interested comes in if you look at how imogen has actually been treated in the campaign (quite well) in comparison to the cynicism that she’s developed from her past (something that speaks to a world out to get her). certainly, a bunch of shitty things have happened to imogen in the time we’ve known her, but the same can be said for everyone in bell’s hells and pretty much everyone in exandria at this point in time. but, in a fight to save the aforementioned world, imogen’s focus was getting her mother back on her side. which, while very consistent with her character and a choice that i enjoy, is a very selfish one. the fun thing (to me, obviously) about imogen is that she has, more than most, an insight into the opinions of others and she also tends to seek others’ opinions out and genuinely engages with them and supports their choices. but she still very much acts towards what she thinks is best. it’s one reason i enjoy looking at the dynamic between her and orym as one between foils, as orym tends to be stalwart in his beliefs and doesn’t care too much for other’s opinions if he’s already sure of his own, but his actions tend to favour collaboration and protecting others.
as i mentioned earlier, imogen is a harder case to look at because she is still in the process of her story. however, the circlet is clearly influencing how she interacts with the world and in the wake of the solstice, the hostile reaction towards ruidusborn people has started to become more and more apparent and i’m interested to see what route that ends up leading imogen down and how it will influence her relationship with the rest of bell’s hells. (for better, i think, based on recent conversations, but if it's for worse i will be just as seated and excited).
all of this is just to say, please stop assuming that claiming a character has a trait you think is a bad one is criticism or a hate post. in light of the fact that i know that people who don’t believe this will continue to not believe this, i’ll encourage anyone confused about the ability of a character to be good and kind and selfish all at once to look to what the text itself says, specifically scanlan’s words to pelor when asked what vex means to him:
“Her name is Vex, and she is greedy and mean sometimes, and she can steal a lot. She’s a little bit not the greatest person, but her flaws highlight everything that is right about her, which is she does all these things to protect her friends and her family. She would give her life for any of us and for anyone who was truly in need. And she’s not perfect but she’s the most perfect of all of us.”
would you look at that... an ability to be a multitude of things, some in conflict with one another. i know that's hard for fandoms to believe, especially about female characters with agency, but i promise its true!
#deeply unfair of laura to make three characters with some type of people skills and morality shaped by their loneliness#and what. i’m just supposed act like i’m normal about that?#this is me blog and i have slightly more time than usual to write nothing essays about fictional characters that haunt me#but dear god . lookin at cr characters and denying their flaws is like looking at a house and only seeing it’s doors .#if ppl demand perfection of fictional characters im genuinely curious in what media they’ve ever found that .#a single imogen post of mine broke containment and it skyrocketed my annoying phil student levels so. alas#but . if you agree that imogen had an incredibly isolating life . i will emphasize that isolation causes traits and behaviours#that aren’t just Quirky or fun or hot anger or whatever#imogen contains so much i love her so much i am bursting at the seams about it#but for some ppl. she is ur ‘girlfailure’ until someone suggests a way she might be girl failing by being selfinterested#what is the truth. do u want her to be an actual girlfailure it do u just want her to suit a . frankly tired. trope about lesbians#anyway . both text and tag rant over . goodnight#cr meta#imogen temult#vex’ahlia#vex’ahlia de rolo#jester lavorre#critical role#my posts
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WEBBYMEOW CAME TODAY!!!!!
#smooches talks#HES SO POOKIELICIOUS!#ignore the bad quality pls im so tired#BUT HES SO CUTE AND SOFT#(his mask snapped while i was trying to put it on but its alright)#thank u to my bestie for buying him for me once again... i give u many hugs and smooches...#anyway this is my collection so far... i also have foxttore stickers and a dottore pin on my bag...#i also had his earring as a keychain but it broke.
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playful // shy
some little things drawn at different times from a pairing that resulted from a panfandom RP with my partner... i wanted to try drawing them after their piece here
#kaiji itou#ash lynx#ashkaiji#kaiji ultimate survivor#banana fish#fkmt#crossover ship#art#crossfandom RP with my partner continues to result in these two becoming closer and more trusting in one another and it aches my heart#it's postcanon for ash in a sort of 'came back wrong' way but he got jettisoned to a different timeline / universe and thus. here we are.#wandered around for about 3 years before deciding to go to izumo to see where eiji lived. ends up in 90s tokyo instead. runs into trouble#(kaiji is the trouble. ash nearly hit him w/his motorbike and later kaiji knifes his tires - unknowingly stranding him)#a few solid misunderstandings later and some proper working around the language barrier and theyre thick as thieves#they havent quite gotten to the second picture yet but listen it's been a tough week sometimes u just gotta draw your feelings#and i love seeing two broke guys who have been through absolute hell get to laugh with each other and be sillydumb#anyway im starting the ashkaiji tag for myself and myself only (and my gf LMAO) and maybe some of u will enjoy their antics. maybe not.
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the dog returns to its own vomit etc etc
#broke a streak two freaking hours before i hit five months clean i am so tired#personal#puddleglum hours#didnt even make me feel better not even for a moment#to be clear im fine and all and safe etc etc etc etc etc etc i should go to bed goodnight this was a terrible excuse for a sunday#no church bc early shift and now im so so tired#i left the house at half past four dudes#because sunday trains#tomorrow i get to be posiitvely late and leave at five#but anyway. only one more week#then i have to get a job but shhhhhhhhhhh not thinkin bout that yet
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Some mild existential dread in the house today
#im just feeling reeeeally really drained#works taking a LOT out of me#like. it feels less intense day to day? or maybe im reacting less? but its still very much piling up#and im just feeling very...idk. like im still waiting for permission to live my life#except now the permission osnt coming from any one person its. having the money to docit#and the time and the energy#and i guess thats just what adult life is? waiting#and hoping#and along the way losing sight of what i even wanted in the first place because im so *tired*#idk. i definitely need a project of some kind but im struggling to settle on something and then organise it#i have stuff to do today anyway. alfie had a lil bit of emergency cash saved so i need to go shopping#and i need to tidy the kitchen and do some dishes#and have a bath and shave at some point#i also want to draw but again. struggling ti pick something and idk if ill have the executive function spare#AND i want to try and be more social and talk to folks but thats its own kind of difficult#part of me would like a disc server that just has all of my friends in it bc i find it easier to dip in and out of conversarions#but i imagine that would be weird for folks who dont know each other#idk. lot goin through my mind when all i really want is sleep#which also hasnt been...greeeeat lately#mainly because Alfie wakes me up in the mornings bc they dont like being alone but also have a very different sleep schedule to me#and can take multiple smaller naps over a day whereas i really need a solid 8 or so hours or i just. dont fully switch on#but theyre also struggling atm (mentally and also they got an injury at work AND seperately broke their foot ffs)#so they need me more and its just#this never ending cycle of SOMETHING needs my attention#and its fucking exhausting asfghfkd#but!!! we keep goin!!!!! been applying for a bunch of jobs and havent heard anything positive yet but. we keep tryin huh
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you'll be pleased to know that on my first day back at my job after my two week vacation i am already in one of my semi-regular Job Crises where i feel like if i dont find a new, better job soon im going to explode into 5 billion pieces
#in case you were wondering if i was handling it well#considering getting some sort of degree . but i cant afford that!!!!!!!!!#but i may need one. if i want a better job........#this is so evil. where are the jobs where you can just do fuck all#in all seriousness back to the degree thing im considering getting a degree in library sciences but i dont even have a bachelors 💀#i was too broke for college! had to work! still have to work! no time or money to go to college then or now!#my crisis aside its extremely funny to me how im not even through my first day back and im like oh lol right i hate every minute of this 👍#also im trying not to have Severe guilt abt the ticket(s) i bought the other day like some crazy person but thats another story#yes ill make the money back yes ill enjoy the show but the Guilt..........#which was entirely because my dad was like >:( when i told him i got a ticket for a Far Lesser amount#and im just hoping he doesnt notice how much my bank account has gone down. oops#but that aside and back to my job crisis:#i cant stand it here!!!!!! i really do hate it!!! and i need a new job. however? everything abt the job process is awful and against me#i was planning on writing an article when i got back from vacation but you guessed it im now too stressed/upset to be creative#which is hampering any possibility of my creative aspirations becoming some sort of career#im so tired. already right back to where i was before my vacation when i really needed a vacation#:( . like ill be fine lol i just. am going through it and these tags have gone on too long#but i think i really will get worse if i stay here for longer and its not even that bad but by god sometimes it is#anyway . im taking it well
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staring at the page of notes i need to consume for the mock exam tomorrow and i just cannot. be assed.
#its not even a lot of notes compared to other subjects#its really not#im just so tired#id rather be drawing#but i ahvent done anything today out of procrastination#rauaghhhh#i have malevolent and disco elysium on the brain and my laptop BROKE#that bitch BROKE#the exam starts at 12:30 and i have to leave at 12 so ill have time before then! but still#not equipped for rambling#dying#gonna try and do this the neurodivergent way and imagine john from malevolent is giving me instructions and helping#lets see how this fucking goes#that or ill have kim kitsuragi on standby#anna if u see this i love ur discord messages so much ily flowers but i cannot reply rn or else ill get sucked into conversation for hours#the Horrors (school) persist but we must go onwards#i literally love the flower diagram though i love learning about that stuff#ANYWAYS. gonna try and focus
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ngl seeing people admit that they block and report for spam without checking anything else whenever they get an ask requesting help is genuinely terrifying. like wtf are u doing ... is being slightly bothered by a fucking message in ur virtual mailbox worth turning away from a fellow human in need? wtf is wrong with u
#and before the buuuuut im broke i cant help anyway 😔 brigade comes along: im broke too. at least fucking spread the word???#ive seen literally fucking. HOMELESS people sharing campaigns alongside their own posts asking for help to survive#ive seen PEOPLE IN GAZA WITH THEIR OWN CAMPAIGN spread many others#and u do what? come here and complain that doing like one click and scrolling for a few secs is tiring?#no offense but u dont have a soul#txt
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#sage's diary#009#11/20/2024#(meant to post this like WAY earlier today but forgor lol)#anyways#this one goes out to all my online friends who i haven't the chance to meet irl#hope u guys know if i wasnt broke i would absolutely be traveling to hang out with yall#always really does break my heart to hear abt problems friends are having and being. powerless to help#that or even just hearing some of them talk about how touchstarved they are :(#i wish i was able to do more outside of reassurance through voice calls or text.....#maybe one day.. one day i'll try to make something happen#in other news i cannot fucking WAIT to move out dude. getting tired of living in this apartment its driving me crazy#ive honestly just been lowkey (highkey) stressed about moving out in general. given the circumstances im in#i just hope its decently smooth sailing#don't wanna get TOO much into it. lest i ruin my mood tonight#anyways time to be stuck in my mind palace while trying to draw. again
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i did make a pact w myself to not buy any clothes after buying that super expensive dress for a whole year . however. having literally only 4 outfits on rotation is getting to me a little bit
#b4 i bought that dress i donated all of my clothes except necessities (hence why i have only 4 outfits) bc i was#tired of cheap + synthetic + unethical fashion and i wanted to collect pieces that are my style and keep them for life#one of the outfits is from the era b4 i donated everything so its not my style rly#anyway im super picky and i have expensive taste but also im broke aka i need to wait until the perfect piece pops up on a 2nd hand shopping#app / second hand store . i think id have to wait until summer if i wanted to complete the 365 day pact but i literally have no spring#or summer clothes and also i feel not good literally wearing the same 3-4 things on repeat idk
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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????
#my dad is like#you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then#and im like bhai what#mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me#both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me#mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and#the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff#i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself#because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want#im so tired man#why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these#complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off#people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path#have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories#and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at#atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry#but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything#ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me#i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and#untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends#i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made#i didn't understand anything back then#but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something#ive prayed to god that you die and i still do#it would directly mean 4 people being happy#anyway#dni#this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck
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