#anyway ill stop myself here lol
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honestly, i would love to read that?
#only if it wouldnt be much of an inconvenience#honestly straight up nothing comes to mind when i try to think of rules#obviously im aware of them at some exctent considering the anxiety inherent to going outside and how my behaviour changes a lot#but i figure its less bc of Understanding the Rules™‚ but more... learned survival responce?#like‚ putting random values into an unknown formula- and the answer is somewhat correct? you don't know why though. it works.#there are five more answers btw and thats only the accepted ones. some answers are politely ignored‚ others are wrong but who cares at that#point.#anyway ill stop myself here lol#i would be interested in reading that‚ is the point‚ but i wonder how much of those tend to pass cross-culture#eye contact mb. stranger on the street interaction‚ but those might be country specific... and class specific now that i think of it#oh god‚ there are so many arbitrary rules and none of them are necessary#im gonna stop for real now
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#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#like a neko#masumi arakawa#ichiban kasuga#jo sawashiro#masato technically also here but. lol. he just a scribble#snap sketches#sorry everyone i literally rewrote the entirety of y7 in my brain to be warrior cats#and now i cant stop. mental illness real#i was just gonna do quick ara and ichis to warm up but then i couldnt stop#I FORCED myself to stop cause then i wouldve accidentally made a comic. with cats. kms !!!!!!!!!#anyway stop reading im gonna be a sicko#i just think the 'arakawa family' should be a group of rogue cats opposed to any proper clan cats#except yk. Clan Cats will go to them if they need a job done because theyre so Off The Radar#we're going to ignore ichi looking like brambleclaw like we just have to move on from that. his fur's naturally curly at least </3#arakawa still legally has to get his hand/paw mutilated saving ichi. except its probably worse in this universe since It The Whole Paw#finger cutting isnt exactly a THING so he crushed it. whether it was by a car or rocks falling i havent decided yet#i just know Its Fucked Now. he can put it down for like A SECOND but he really can't do anything with it#it reminds me of my baby boy drew lol.. he broke his front legs before we adopted him#so now i just imagine arakawa has really good balance as a result#usually i make their cat breeds based off their hair length/style but arakawa legally had to be a maine coon to me#i always think of maine coons as being really elegant. plus that long fur makes me think of a big coat heuheu#Also Yeah x2 ichi still legally has to Almost die. and jo still has to drag him to Another rogue camp#i was gonna draw nanba cat too but.. i HAD to stop.. i cannot do this all day i have THINGS TO DO#i feel like instead of being a Particularly Large cat jo just has longer legs and a longer tail... lanky as hell still lol...
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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Just wanna remind everyone that it's NEVER okay to tell someone to die.
You don't know how hard they're fighting to stay alive every day. Or if they don't even want to fight for that any more.
#i hate that i let that get to me lmao just ruined my fucking day ive been sitting here sobbing for like an hour#i cant tell anyone just how much i dont even want to try any more bc i dont see the point#medical issues and mental issues dont pair well and i dunno if im even gonna be able to survive the next flare up#i dont need fandom spaces telling me to die when im already telling myself that every fucking day#also why does my age always get brought up lmao i didnt choose to be born 30 years ago stop telling me im old#my body has been telling me im old since age 11 you dont know what ive fucking been thru#30 was just a formality and serves as another reminder of how ill never meet societys expectations for a 30yo lmao#my point is. you should try showing a little more kindness if telling someone to die comes so easily#ive literally never once told anyone to die in my life. you just dont fucking go there. what if they kill themself right after that?#can you live knowing they did so on your command?#i couldnt#thats just like beyond fucked up#anyway im gonna go try and stop crying#ill prob stay off tumblr today idk i feel real sick lol#delete later / /#i hate that i cant exist as myself either in person (too queer and closeted in a rural area) or online (too queer and weird ships)#anyway
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Hey, just felt called to let you know that your MQF from SVSSS doodles give me such life and inspired how I write MQF in my fics. I love how you depict him and your art style is so refreshing and cute!
Just thought you should know. Hope you have a good day!
HELLO HI THANK YOU SO MUCH??? 😭😭😭💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 GLAD TO BE OF SERVICE HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY OR NIGHT
#THANK YOU ANON I WILL GO EXPLODE NOW#jbfkdjh#sorry for caps this actually means so much to me you have no idea#thank you for stopping by to tell me i really appreciate it 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓😭#my specialest little guy...........im so glad that ppl like him hes so dear to me#im literally in the middle of making myself a bag pin with mqf cuz i had to go 'fine i'll just do it myself' hahjkhfd#to be entirely honest i have made more small bits with him in the meantime and i have lots of bigger projects in mind with him but#i kinda hit an art funk this past month and felt p bad about my art in general#so not much posting have been posted and not much more even made#but this ask watered my crops and cleared my skin hdfjkdhfgkdf thank you#anyway cant post the older doodles cuz theyre tied to something thats still a wip and kinda embarrassing cuz im trying something new lol#but maybe ill post some lazy crumbs that i have and try to get back into arting#sorry for rambling this just made me really happy i need to explode something with my mind#i literally went to bed cuz its way past 1am here but then i noticed the notif and threw myself out of the bed lol#but now im going back to shreep#but anon im sending you good vibes and wish you good times with your fics :))) thankyou again for the kind words#asks
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gaming update: my brother keeps stealing the switch cartridge for link's awakening so i'm playing the dx pc port. wdym i already beat the game... wdym i still have to beat majora's mask before i do anything else... shhhhh
#not to mention finish albw too#well more like. start.#yeah ive never played it OOPS#i got to meeting ravio and havent gone further#im a bit scared that i might hate the rental mechanic#sweet bunny boy. STOP SCAMMING ME#no seriously 50 rupees each is a scam#but also i thought i'd hate mm's 3 day cycle#and i love it#soooo here's hope!#anyway im promising myself ill do mm > albw > ladx#if i stray from this then ill. uh#cry?#LOL im rambling anyways
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.......
#it's just. so fun when you're yearning for something hard enough that it feels like you've got a fever. I... am not cut out for this#(writing things. that involve people. that I want to touch. badly.)#it's literally so ridiculous. can't even write a conversation with someone without making myself feel like I'm ill lol#nothing is happening! not the slightest bit of anything at all. and I'm just sitting here fanning myself like it's the middle of summer and#I'm about to pass out#this also isn't good for my productivity. because it's more fun than doing something useful#also much MUCH better than just thinking about it. I don't know why it took me 32 years to realise that hey. my mind can't drift off in the#middle of every second sentence if I'm just writing it down. seems obvious now. but. I am not smart. so.#i mean it is kind of nice to just. get to do the same parts over and over again for literal months but also. it gets frustrating.#anyway. that is too much information again because I already feel weird enough about this#but you know how it is. I have a thought so the mutuals need to know. etc.#man I am stupid#annnd I think I need to stop for tonight because my head genuinely feels like it's gonna start melting any minute now#ah yes. dialogue. about nothing. scandalous. 🤦🤦🤦🤦#personal
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why are glasses so expensiveeeee
#glad they do the 2 for 1 thing here bc I'll need a lab pair I can put in a safety goggle frame & and a general use pair#got my eyes tested and yeah my astigmatism is a lot worse LOL well it has been forever since i last had em checked#and i was wondering why looking at screens is so difficult and why my vision is sooo bad cycling at night i get crazy glare#well. one week til i can pick them up and then hopefully no more headaches and i wont get into any car accidents lmao#i mean my vision isnt THAT dire I can see fine without glasses just uncomfortable innit. esp if i have to focus#picked up my mail too so thats done... dont rly wanna leave the house again until climbing tn so im just gonna chill#also bought myself mouthwashing as a treat... it is my week off after all :3 i think im gonna watch a movie first tho so i can sort out#admin stuff and update my planner......and maybe journal a bit i have some shit I wanna work out#mildly annoying i wont be able to pin my roommate down to talk over the next few days bc im going out tn and tmr night#and we were gonna hang during the day bc she has time off work too but shes said she'll be too tired so she'll just be in her cave#and then idk if she did make plans for the weekend in the end but tbh if I cant talk to her abt shit beforehand I'll cancel for this time#I'm tired of every group social thing w her being tainted by this I just wanna have fun & not feel shit for being alienated for once#it was my friends birthday this week and id like to do smth nice w them but if we both go together ik she'll just upset me#unintentionally bc i havent been able to talk to her abt it yet. but still.#maybe ill just make separate plans w our friend then i dont wanna be an asshole to them bc i have a problem with someone else entirely#anyway. its not that deep just need to clear things up. fucking hell can my stomach stop COMPLAINING its not lunch yet!!!!#its okay. grrrrrrr. maybe if i have a snack itll calm down. i rly need another drs appt to bring up my physical issues but whatever#dealing w the depression is the priority hopefully my digestive system and menstrual cycle wont kill me in the meantime#okay thats my oversharing done for this thursday morning love u guys bye#.diaries
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random assortment of drawings i might as well post
#scribbles#ocposting#furry tag#gif#eyestrain#bright colors#mother series#the gifs showing up kinda weird i think thats just a thing on my end though#have noticed it happens a lot for me w transparent gifs on here. idk#gif was for a dta thingy btw uhhh#‘cowcheese’ thing is for my sisters weezer parody where theyre rats nd instead called cheezer#words on the one on its right are lyrics frm heres to you by zebrahead cuz it was stuck in my head..#oh also the middle drawing on the first row of three was color picked frm the cover of phoenix also by zebrahead#first drawing i just made cuz i was messing w preset brushes nd thought itd be funny#long one w the four characters is.. little goody two shoes characters But Furries . lol#oh the one left of the cheezer thing was smthn i drew in class w my friends prisma colors instead of working on my actual art project#actually started that now its driving me crazy cuz i made like a million versions of the sketch messinf w the composition#and im still not sure entirely what i do and dont wanna include and also the actual paper im doing my final on isnt like. wide enough to fi#things in nicely 💔💔💔 also i never planned out colors like an idiot so im making that up as i go and avoiding it a lot aghhghh#giegue drawings are honestly just here cuz i think hes funny#sorry for the paragraph of tags i love talking abt things#uhhhmhmmh i kinda hate postint stuff most places online now ngl#i have so much more art i COULD post but it just feels weird idk#no one really interacts w my stuff much anymore anyways like idk <- this is jot me fishing for pity or disregarding anyone who does leave#nice comments i appreciate that stuff SO mucu it means the world to me. i just dont feel super strongly abt posting shit anymore i feel lik#i have much better peace of mind just leaving things to myself sometimes#as much as i like sharing things it just hasnt been convenient lately and also ive just been getting like.. very paranoid abt a lot of#things over these past years and the constant posting everything o. tumblr thing didnt help much#🙃 okay ill stop rambling now have a nice day
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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who even give a fuck. yknow
#getting drunk before work because who gives a shit ^_^d#yesterday was real fucking bad so im thinking like why am i even fucking trying you know none of these assholes even talk to me#unless its to go ermmmm i cant help noticing your department isnt achieving infinite growth when will you guys stop sucking#shit? just curious yhaha and if they want to talk about me they go behind my back and ask other people why im cutting#which a) i wear short sleeves this isnt a secret im keeping and 2) fuck you for deciding its your business and then NOT EVEN#ASKING /ME/ but whatever thy want to get pissy at me for their own failure to communicate fucking let them i dont care#ive been killing myself for this stupid job for a year now i wake up in the morning and my first thought is how bad my knee hurts#im one of the best we've got and what do i have to show for it no one fucking talks to me i dont care#no one will go 'hey did you get fucking sloshed before coming here' becaus etheyre scared of talking to m e for some reason#i literally dont know but if they ask then like who fucking cares this isnt on me i dont feel human doing this job i dont feel like a perso#no one treats me like one unless i waste time quote unquote to not do my job and talk to people who like care if i live or die or whatever#so like who fucking cares even ill do whatever i want ill get drunk before work ill do shit at my job ill talk to someone i love fuck it#whatever!!! should have acted like i was a person instead of ignoring the people youre throwing into a meatgrinder for profit i guess#who fucking cares!#already had my MOTHER get weird about me buyng booze for reasons that are none of her fucking business and that she#wouldnt know the details of anyway if she hadnt been snooping because i have no privacy and no space of my own lol#so might as well drink it i guess it was 30 bucks anyway and i dont have any fucking moneyyyyyyyy so what am i#who am i fucking KIDDINGGGGGGGGGG lol its fucked its all fucked!!! whatever!!! who give a shit!!! nothing fucking matters
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when do yall think sawashiro found out akane was alive . just wonderin .
#snap chats#WAS THIS A RECENT DEVELOPMENT OR EARLIER CAUSE IF IT WAS EARLIER OHHHHH MY GODDDDD#i just might throw up at the potential of sawashiro knowing akane was alive while arakawa was still alive#ouuuuugggghhhh demons BACK /BACK/ I SAY JUST WAIT TWO MONTHS#if this motherfucker confirms he knew while arakawa was still kicking im gonna scream and piss myself#im getting evil ideas and i need to be STOPPED#when did they let his ass out of jail... did he get nosy once he got out or something..#honestly i was thinking about it this morning because i was laughing at how mine and sawa both did 'research' on their bosses#mine was mentally ill about it jo just wanted to be with his son and was just findin shit out but NOW. how far did the rabbit hole go...#inevitably he wouldve learned about akane one point or another whether because arakawa told him the story or he discovered her#but when did he Discover Her yk. when did yall start being pen pals SHE ADDRESS YOU AS 'MR JO SAWASHIRO'#i still think thats cute. sorry. moving on POINT IS NOW /IM/ NOSY#january 26th cant get here any sooner#also can i just say i think i tricked myself into thinking the game was coming out the 24th like when the fuck did that happen#HOW the fuck did that happen... lol... anyway...#im gonna go now and try to ward the demons off bye#also should i make katsu curry today.... its the last of my curry and there really is no reason why i shouldnt other than im lazy#hmmm........... chicekn.....
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sometimes i really do wish i could go back to how i was online in the 2010s when the concept of being cringe or being an edgelord didn't exist in my brain
#like yes i was oversharing i was saying things that could easily be used by someone to come and kill me#etc etc#but at least i could talk to people and feel connected to them without being terrified#nowadays im just like#spending an hour fucking writhing on my bed because something's bothering me#and then my brain would be like duuude you're so fucking cringe stop being edgy for no reason#bc those thoughts are always about either hurting myself or feeling Different from other people#and like it's stupid and i'm not trying to take a stance on The Morality Of Memes or whatever here. i couldn't care less#but years of Haha mentally ill people think they're soooo edgy memes have ruined my self perception#because now i will reprimand myself for hating myself and trying to be Different when i could just be happy and content#and then act like a victim because oh no nobody wants to listen to me#anyway sorry about the vent i am not doing very well as u can tell lol#i just wish i wasn't so scared of talking to other people who literally want to do nothing more than help#zzz#vent#delete later
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Man I've gotta be mean more often Im so sick of being polite abt bigotry I should just start killing ppl fr
#rat rambles#Im tired of babysitting ignorant ppl Im tired of trying to be nice abt shit someone needs to give me a gun#Im tired of trying to be presentable towards ppl who are on the fense abt shit Im tired of sanitising myself#I wanna reclaim slurs I wanna be angry I want to be loud I want to just yell at ppl that they Should be uncomfortable they Should be upset#you Shouldnt let ppl live in bliss you Should feel targeted when I call out your bullshit because I Am talking abt you fucking get over it#I have been teaching and guiding and explaining for as long as I remember and Im So Fucking Sick Of It#but someone has to. if I can get even one person to support us in a way that matters I have to.#I mean I dont. but I want to. except I also dont because its miserable and it fucking kills me to do. but I couldnt live with myself if I#didnt so here I fucking am.#I just want to be angry without guilt for once in my fucking life. I deserve to be. Im tired of pretending Im not.#goddddd Im so fucking mad rn Im sorry but also Im not but yknow.#I just wanna be more confident abt myself in like every regard like I hate how long its taken me to feel allowed to call myself mexican#yknow. a thing I am and always have beem#like I am still also white for sure and was raised in a very white enviorment but that doesnt stop me from being mexican#and Im allowed to reclaim slurs and Im allowed to defend myself from bigotry and Im allowed to be fucking angry abt it#Im allowed to exist as I am. I thought I had gotten to that point a long time ago but Ive been realising that I rly havent.#rat rants#rat vents#ok anyways. I should rly go to bed now lol#Ill probably be feeling better tomorrow but dont let that make you think my burning rage is gone lol#whatever gn gamers
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cherished
#i made this really quick for myself w a screenshot from a mutual in law on instagram ive never spoken to LOL. but isnt he cutesy here#i might make a better version later and add it to my pinned who knows. the treasured boy#anyway its 7am and im so tired i cant see but i just made an extended DNI/abbreviated ALL OF MY OPINIONS EVER... :grimace:#ill look over it later when im sane again but like. once i started i could not stop. GOODNIGHT EVERYONE <3#eddie#misc#🎱
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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