#oh god‚ there are so many arbitrary rules and none of them are necessary

[discordarchitect]

honestly, i would love to read that?

[eisforeidolon]

Episode: Raising Hell

So, uh, basically I have no idea why anything in this episode happens or what its point is supposed to be. Having looked up who wrote it somewhere in the middle, I am completely lacking in surprise.

I mean, the first bit pretty much sets the tone.  Chatty Corpsy spouts exposition a mile a minute, then gets killed, and the ghost stands over her and spells disembowel.  Is that actually supposed to be scary?  Funny?  Anything but an absolutely bizarre waste of my time?

A bunch of dudes with basically nothing but FBI jackets and a bullshit story to back themselves up with convince an entire town to camp out in the local high school for two days without anybody figuring out they're full of shit.  You know, what with smartphones existing and all.  Plausible!

Furthermore, I have become convinced that everyone in this writer's room genuinely believes there is nothing scarier than a bunch of random antagonists standing around in a room pontificating at each other.  It's all demons do anymore. It's all angels do anymore.  Oh, fucking look, here's a bunch of goddamn ghosts doing it, too!  A fucking thrill a minute, I tell you.

Also, you know how the episode with H.H. Holmes was actually scary?  Whether or not you think it's in questionable taste for them to use real life serial killers at all, the reason they included him was because the whole murder castle deal and semi-mythical legends about him made for a scary premise they actually used in the episode.  I ignored the thing with it being Gacy before in Lebanon because there was more important stuff going on, but contrast the current writers' choices with him and this Jack the Ripper guy with the use of Holmes.  Here they're just throwing out the names of real life murderers to try and make their villains scary in the cheapest, fastest way possible.  Just like bringing back “Bloody Mary” that just kills whoever, this loudmouthed windbag has nothing to do with the name they're stealing to try and make him scary.

Also, the spell demon guy did is keeping the ghosts in, right?  Sure, it's going to fail, but at the moment, it's supposed to be an impassible barrier, yes?  So why, exactly, is it necessary for Sam to call in his goon squad to join the four of them in wandering into the danger zone to shoot at 'em? Seriously, why?  Shooting them dissipates them for a few seconds, maybe minutes.  They’re not laying out additional salt or iron lines or doing anything that might genuinely help contain the ghosts, they’re just putting themselves in danger because ...?  The mooks could also be better spent guarding the major entrance points to the town and/or the townies and/or doing research back at the bunker into what they're going to try next after the barrier fails.  But those things would actually make sense and prevent the shambling zombie that is the writers’ pathetic attempt at a plot in this episode being pushed into something vaguely resembling action. 

I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that Rowena is now suddenly unable to do something with her powers that she did before.  Hey, remember when she stole that page out of the damned book to make herself more powerful to unseal her full powers (even though they touted her as the most powerful witch ever to begin with) and that was in season 13, well after the ghost-crystal-bomb thing?  But LOL, now she's even weaker?  This is exactly why nothing matters anymore.  Things that worked previously (angel powers, witch powers, the Colt, whatever) suddenly and randomly don't work to do the exact same jobs for … reasons.  The thing that makes it even dumber is they could have said that the ghost containing spell and crystal ghost sucking spell interfered with each other somehow.  Still at a bullshit level of convenience, but it doesn't involve making everyone and everything's powers completely arbitrary just because fuck continuity, that’s why!

Then Ketch shows up to save the Winchesters from their sudden attack of brain damage.  The show has provided an entire. fucking. town. full of angry ghosts straight from hell.  But actually bother to write a scene of Sam and Dean legit getting over their heads in a believable way?  Why fucking bother when you can just make them astoundingly incompetent.  It is literally unbelievable that Sam and Dean would not recognize those people as possessed fucking immediately.  Yet they stand there with rock salt filled shotguns doing sweet fuckall confronted by three fucking ghosts so Ketch can make a big entrance.  Is there a rule on a board somewhere in the writer's room that Sam and Dean have to be made to look incompetent at least once an episode?  Is this some kind of revenge for having to still write the main characters they're so clearly bored with?  Are these idiots just so fucking stupid they don't realize how insulting this is?  Did they run out of money for extras and the stunt coordinator?  

Also, someone explain to me how tiny flakes of metal are going to be less harmful to a human body than rock salt.  I'll wait.  They just really really wanted Ketch as one of the BMoL guys to have some kind of specialized gadget but couldn’t give him something actually potentially useful for the situation at hand.

Again, these writers really want to be writing a bad soap opera with occasional supernatural elements.  So despite that it's the final fucking season, we have time for Rowena and Ketch flirting.  Not to mention that they also give the only major female character even more relationship drama with the Jack the Ripper guy later.  If it's not questionably skeevy, it's not Bucklemming! 

Also, Castiel is not good at inspirational speeches, just like he’s frustratingly almost never good at anything else these days (those healing powers that were working last week? ha! forget it!).  Anyway, why do they keep having him make them?  Are we as the audience supposed to find them convincing though they never work on the target?  Are we supposed to feel bad for all the ~*feelings*~ Castiel supposedly has despite being an angel who isn’t supposed to have emotions the same way humans do?  I guess this particular one is to further show that Dean’s still mad (which I am absolutely 100% behind) but eh, whatever.  Though I guess that still ranks it above most of the episode sitting at a solid WTF, no really, WTF?!

Now we get to the part where they bring Kevin back for no fucking reason beyond that he's a “fan favorite”.  None of it makes a single tiny speck of sense.  Let's skip right past the fundamental absurdity of how Chuck apparently did this for literally no reason just to be a dick when he was actively trying to pretend not to be a dick.  Kevin has a “bad boy” reputation (come the fuck on) because God Himself cast him down - so him being in hell would have to be fairly common knowledge, for it to result in him having a reputation.  Except literally no demon Sam & Dean ran into between 11.21 and now taunted them with it?  Crowley, who was still alive and fucking King of Hell through season 12 never noticed and either told the Winchesters or tried to trade on it?  BULL and SHIT.  This is pretty close to the same scale of insult to continuity and the audience’s intelligence as these two fuckwits suddenly writing Lucifer as the older brother. 

Then in typical fashion, Sam & Dean discuss their plans to totes send Kevin to heaven in front of demon guy just so they can be told OH NOES!  He totally can't go to heaven!  So sad!  The poor widdle woobie!  Fuck off with this shit, show.  Not even to mention that they take the word of a demon as gospel truth when there is no time crunch or clear lack of better options.  It's all those many many hits to the head, I guess.  That I do actually find quite sad.  I mean, I don't actually want Kevin hanging around like a bad smell while they divert from actually important shit to try and get him to heaven where it makes no sense for him not to already be.  But at the end they don't even arrange some way to keep in touch just in case the fucking demon might be (gasp) lying?

Hey, I did actually like the exchange between Dean and Sam over Chuck poking his corresponding wound.  Oh, look, it's Sam's “I'm totally lying” face, followed by Dean's “I totally know you're lying but I'll let it go for now, Sam” face.  It was a great moment that required very little dialogue to work quite well.  It's such a shame nobody's making a show about these two characters!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The absurdity keeps on coming, too.  In the whole two days they've been wasting time in Sunshine Daylightville they never discussed how long the spell would last?  Oh, right, they were too busy wandering into the ghost zone to shoot at 'em for shits and giggles to care about that, I guess.  Not to mention the whole “just cast it again!” is remarkably blasé about it requiring a 'fresher the better!' human heart.

More ghosts blathering at each other.  Yay.  This supposed Jack the Ripper guy is just always in the right place at the right time to hear all the gossip, knows every random thing he could possibly need to, and already has the power to intimidate and attack other ghosts. He's basically ghost!Asmodeus, who also steals AU!Michael's original idea of how to get through the barrier, because we really needed time spent discussing the world's most obvious plan.  Also, we've seen ghosts able to attack and absorb the power of other ghosts, but it was because they had already been doing it for a while.  This guy is just as fresh out of hell as everybody else, but he's more powerful and knowledgeable and totes threatening!!!  Well, I'm convinced and not on the verge of napping from boredom.

Naturally for reasons, Rowena goes into town entirely by herself without protection with their only real hope of containing the ghosts before the barrier breaks down instead of anybody insisting on her going with backup.  That's what anybody with a brain would do!  

Of course no one asks where Ketch has been the whole time.  Or even thinks of trying to test him after he was last seen literally knocked unconscious in the middle of ghost central where we know there are plenty of ghosts angry enough to be capable of possession.  Nope, why would anyone even think to do that?  Everything in this “plot” that happens requires all of the characters to be completely fucking stupid.

I'm going to assume by “you” Ketch meant “you Winchesters” because Mary wasn't there.  It probably didn't, because Bucklemming, but fuck it.  It's the least egregious stupidity in this episode that's a cornucopia of choices for the worst.

I … actually like the scenes with Chuck and Amara?  So, you know, that's something!  

Then the episode ends with the guys looking at all the ghosties still shooting up from hell and wring their hands about what they're going to do and maybe they should get on that!  Again, if Sam's flunkies aren't all dead, why aren't their worthless asses already researching this shit over the past two days?  It's not like it's new news that there was a big open hole to hell at the center of the problem and there was honestly nothing but wrangling some cranky civilians to interfere with trying to think ahead to that.

In summary, this episode is a constant showcase of the problems that result when you set incompetent morons who don't recognize their own inadequacy to write characters who are actually supposed to be intelligent experts at their work.  It's a joke – except not at all funny.

[mintypothos]

@alexangery this is your fault entirely

also, I wish I was funnier than I am but OH WELL HERE’S A THING

Everyone has an alternate form. Some undefined mixture of a person's personality, experiences, and interests that filters through one's grasp of symbology and metaphor, manifesting as a physical shape they shift into. It was old, powerful magic.

It was also something you absolutely should not attempt until you were of age.

“I'm gonna do it. No one can stop me.” Alex said, for probably the fifth time.

“We're 16,” Aaron tried to object. “Seriously, you have to wait. No one has ever done it at less than 18. Not a single person. There has to be a reason.”

Alex scoffed. “Yeah, the reason is that everyone's following some arbitrary rule.”

“Well,” Hercules propped an elbow on the table, leaning into the conversation. Maybe he would have some cautious, helpful advice? “If we're being realistic, is there a chance that anyone who has done the Shapeshift ritual before they were 18 may have been silenced somehow?”

Alex snapped his fingers, “Exactly!”

John raised a hand, grinning wildly, “Besides, age isn't really real! Why should magic care how many times you've been around the sun?”

“Becoming an adult is a gradual process, different for individuals.” Lafayette mused, tapping fingernails against the table. “Humans only put a hard dividing line on adulthood because we need defined limits.”

Alex nodded again, smirking at Aaron. “So there you have it. I'm gonna do it.”

“Come on, there has to be a reason it's not done,” Aaron tried to reason. Their arguments made sense, but, “If it was really nothing, there would have been some hint. The world's too interconnected, and you can't have been anywhere near the only person to come to the same conclusion. But there's nothing. It's suspicious!”

“The only thing suspicious is your insistence on rule following, Burr.” John joked, leaning over to receive an immediate high-five from Alex.

Alex turned from John to Aaron, face twisting into a sneer. “Come on, are you going to snitch on us?”

Aaron gritted his teeth. “No, of course not.” It wasn't the first time he'd been accused of that, not by a long shot. “I just think that something could really go wrong if you go through with this.”

“And I think, if something actually were to happen, it would be my fault, and my decision- not yours.”

That was fair enough. Aaron sighed. “Fine. Do what you want.” He slipped off the stool. “I can see when I'm not wanted.”

“Waitwaitwait!” Alex almost threw himself over, grabbing Aaron's sleeve. “You're gonna help me, right?”

He was half off the stool, stretched around John and hand pulling so hard on Aaron's sleeve in order to stay upright that it was close to tearing. Aaron was forced to pause. “Why should I? And why do you want me to?”

Alex sighed. “Because you're the best at setting up those fiddly ritual magics. And I know you've watched at least a hundred Shapeshift rituals because you're an asshole prodigy.”

“You really know how to flatter a guy.”

“So you'll do it?”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Fine.” As if he really had a choice.

The others cheered like they had won some great victory rather than just having previously proved themselves to be outrageously stubborn.

“Let's get this show on the road, then?” Lafayette suggested, stretching their arms above their head and sliding out of their seat.

Hercules was next, slamming an empty mug down harder than necessary. “No time like he present to commit sacrilege!”

“Damn straight,” John quipped, raising a brow as Aaron crossed his arms. Alex thumped Aaron on the back, looped an arm through John's arms, and strode out the door behind them.

“I can't believe this,” Aaron muttered, following them out.

The Shapeshift ritual was simple. It had some complicated bits, but it was simple. It took longer for them to find a secluded spot than it did for Aaron to set up the magic circle.

“Is this really it?” Lafayette furrowed their brows at the symbols Aaron drew in the dirt. The marks were glowing faintly and obviously magic, but they were still lines drawn in the dirt.

Aaron hummed. “Yeah. It's got to be well spaced and in the right order, with the right symbols pointing towards the right stars, but it doesn't need materials or offerings or anything. The one used in official capacity is only fancy because it can be.”

Hercules hovered a hand over one of the lines. Light strained between fingers. He poked the dirt line, but it remained unchanged rather than being disrupted. “I guess you really are a prodigy.”

Aaron didn't know what to say to that. So instead, he turned to Alex. “Okay. So are you really doing this?”

“Yes, of course!” Alex's fists were clenched and his lips were tight. His eyes flashed with false bravado. “What do I do?”

This was a terrible idea. But Aaron had learned long ago that there was no point in trying to save Alex from himself. Not when it came to his damnable curiosity. “Just stand in there and reach for your magical core. Then day the spell. And if you're lucky, nothing will happen.”

Somehow, his words accomplished something. Alex's shoulders relaxed as he rolled his eyes. “Calm down Aaron, what's the worst that could happen?”

With those words, he stepped into the circle, back straight and head held high. The light sparkled, accepting the intrusion. As Alex muttered the spell, they flickered as they should.

Maybe Alex was right, maybe Aaron was just being too cautious, like everyone always teased him. Maybe Alex would be just fine, and he'd have an awesome animal shift years earlier than everyone else. Maybe-

Alex disappeared in a thick cloud of smoke. It was supposed to be a fine mist. Aaron started forward- as did the others- but no one could enter an active magic circle like this. The smoke slowly cleared, spiraling into the sky. Aaron held his breath.

There was nothing left in the circle. “Alex!” John was the first to scream, running forward the second the circle lost power. None of them were far behind. Hot red panic blinded Aaron. He'd just killed his best friend. He'd just killed Alex all because he bent to peer pressure-

Alex popped back into existence, bowling over Hercules, who was on all fours, searching the dirt as if Alex had simply shrunk.

John immediately punched Alex in the shoulder. Aaron barely resisted the urge himself. “Oh my god you idiot asshole! Don't scare us like that!”

“What happened? What's your form?” Lafayette grabbed Alex's hand, desperate to make sure he stayed. Hercules managed to right himself, pulling Alex into a hug from behind.

Alex blinked, a dazed look on his face. “I may... have met Magic? Or a small manifestation of?” Slowly, his gaze drifted to Aaron. “By the way, you may have been right. Magic said so.”

John giggled, half amused, half hysterical. Aaron just felt colder. “What did it do to you?”

The thing was, it was no secret that magic could manifest as intelligent beings. It was an energy made up of a connecting network of the mental energies of every human being on the planet, after all. Of course it could think, there was just no need, usually. If there was a need, you could bet on trouble.

“Said something about beliefs of humans making reality, and how the lack of a significance in nature for an age of majority does not translate to a lack of significance in magic. Which is shaped from human consciousness, so oops, I guess.” Alex blinked again, as if coming to his senses, then looked pointedly away. “Anyways, so I can't get my real shift until I'm 18 like everyone else.”

“Oh. So nothing happened and you're good?” John clapped Alex's shoulder.

“Not too bad for meeting Magic,” Hercules agreed.

That's not what Alex said though. Lafayette and Aaron locked eyes of mutual understanding. Lafayette pulled Alex's hand just a little closer. “Wait. What's your not 'real' shift, then?”

“Um, nothing!” Alex laughed. “It doesn't matter! I just need to not shift until the actual birthday ceremony, and I'll get my animal form and everything will be fine! Definitely no need to talk any more about this or try shifting at all ever!” He finished his babbling with more laughter, hollow and fake.

“Alex.” Aaron said. Alex stopped. “Please. We need to know. I need to, anyways. I need to see what the consequences of this are.”

Alex paled. “Um, really, no! Like I said, it's all my own fault, right? It's no big deal!”

“Please. You can just say it, you don't need to show.” Aaron pleaded, the words feeling awkward. But he needed to see this through- had to, after honestly believing he had killed Alex outright.

Alex huffed, cheeks reddening. “No, I can't really explain it. I'll show you. Just don't laugh.” He screwed his eyes shut, concentrating. Then, after a moment, he disappeared. Aaron's heart seized again. But no- that wasn't right! Something had fallen to the ground in place of Alex, something they hadn't seen before because it was so small, and the circle filled with smoke.

Hercules leaned in to pick it up, but Aaron was quicker. “A fountain pen?”

That's what it was. A pen. It was fancy, decorated with beautiful silver accents and razor-sharp. But it was still a pen. Everyone shoved their heads in at once, vying for a better look.

“Is that Alex?” John wondered, drifting a finger over the smooth metal.

“It can't be,” Lafayette argued. “No one is an object! It's an animal shift, always.”

Aaron shook his head. “Yes, but no one does the ritual early, either.”

In a split second, Alexander was infront of them again. Rather than holding the pen, Aaron found his hand holding Alex's. Quickly, he released it, hoping he didn't look as awkward as he felt.

“So, that's the punishment.” Alex confirmed.

“You turn into a pen?” Aaron asked.

“Yep.”

“Oh my God.”

“Well,” John slung an arm over Alex's shoulder. “At least you're mightier than a sword now.”

“Shut up!” Alex scowled. “No pen related puns or jokes! I'm calling it now!”

Hercules smirked. “Don't worry, I'm sure you can write your way out of it.”

Alex screamed.