#anyway i got dishes to do and litter boxes to clean | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

regular-lord-reckoner · 9 months ago

Text

welp, guess who hit burnout again ?!?!

i did !!

primarily because of some bad news i got last week. it's nothing bad bad, it's just some aggravating bullshit i have to deal with (basically i missed some payments for my therapist and i thought it was like...3 or 4, but it's like...8?? the lady that does her payroll is going to look into it because my deductible kicked in somewhere in there, but i don't think for most of it so i'm just annoyed at myself for letting this pile up like this but what can ya do!! thankfully she's been really forgiving and understanding, especially because a lot of these missed payments happened around when my dad died so i do appreciate that and will be making it up to her as soon as i can; i don't see her again until april so hopefully by then i can get a little more caught up

i also broke my favorite mirror and my pipe like a day apart from each other (the pipe i'm not as broken up about because i'm starting a tolerance break soon anyway and the guy i bought it from still makes the same one so we're all good there but the mirror???? the fucking mirror!?!)

okay so this goddamn mirror.

i genuinely don't even know how this happened

i had just put our dog down for his nap (yes, he has a nap time and yes i take care of him like he's my child now.........he's grown on me) and i went upstairs to use my bathroom and get my medicine and i may have accidentally knocked into something on my way there, but i swear i wasn't that close and as soon as i got into the bathroom i just heard a commotion and turned around and my dad's guitar fell over, hit the mirror, the mirror hit ??? and shattered

specifically into two pieces, one kinda small, i could have probably fit it into a cardboard box, but the other piece was too big and i would have had to break it up somehow without getting more glass everywhere and i could already see what looked like glitter all over the carpet so i said fuck that

i ended up having to get two very thick trash bags to bag it up and carefully transport it downstairs and all i could think was, "please don't let this fucking mirror cut through this plastic anymore than it already has (because it had a little) and end up slicing my hand up real bad and then what? i probably have to drive myself to the nearest walk in because no one else is here right now and it would take too long for an ambulance to get out here, plus..........expensive so...be careful!!!"

the whole ordeal ate up an entire hour of my fucking day because i had to just sit and stare at it for about half an hour before i could even clean it up, i just froze

then all the transporting it downstairs and getting it outside with the other trash and texting our family friend who hauls the trash off for all of us to let him know to be careful with it, yeah

it hasn't helped that i've somehow gotten behind on part of my work and my inbox lately has been consistently in the 200+ range and i keep finding all these stat referrals that aren't marked even though everyone literally just got an email the other fucking day to make sure those are marked but nope!! so now i feel pressure to get through as many of them as i can so needless to say my work days lately have been thusly:

i get up at 6:30 am. i do a little work. sometime around 7:30 i go lie back in bed for about an hour before i get up to get the dog up and take him outside and feed him his breakfast.

while he's eating i do the dishes and sometimes will get the trash all gathered up and set out to be taken off. i also feed the cat and check to see if he needs anything, any litter or water or whatever else.

sometimes i'll do some of my own cleaning, like my bathroom or start on my laundry (i think last week i ended up doing everything: sheets, towels, clothes, the dogs blankets and towels)

oh, i also give him a bath now every thursday so he's not stinky and it helps with his skin because his breed is prone to getting these little bumps so weekly baths help with that apparently

we'll go on walks throughout the day, too. usually whenever i take him out to go potty but sometimes if i get an extra bit of free time and the weather is nice we got for a little walk together

in between all of this i try to pop in to get some of my actual work done and on good days i do mange to scoot along pretty well. on bad days it's been kinda like how it's been for the past few weeks and i end up staying up until our records system literally begins to stop communicating with our patient scheduling/demographics system which means i can't do shit anymore. that's usually around 11:30 pm

somewhere in there i eat a few meals slowly over the course of a few hours and often don't even up finishing them because i've gotten the ick or they've gone too cold so i save it for later or just toss it out

i go to sleep usually around midnight or 1 am but again on bad nights it's like...almost 2 am. and then it's back up at 6. or my new favorite...wake up at 5 and then i'm not able to get back to sleep!

doesn't help that whenever i don't get enough sleep my neuromuscular shit gets a lot worse so i spend all day just lightly vibrating with tiredness (quite literally, it's just all day minimal shakes which is fun when all you do is type)

i would just take extra of my medicine but i lowkey got shamed by a pharmacist for refilling my meds too soon so....there's that

the last time i went to refill i didn't have any problems, normally the automated system will tell me, "hey, bitch, you can't refill this yet, slow down!" and so i know to wait a few more days and try again (unless i'm about to be out before then, of course), but that didn't happen, it just told me it would be ready tomorrow so tomorrow i went and evidently it was not eligible to be refilled that soon and it was just the way she was looking at me when she said, "didn't you just have this refilled [whatever the date what]??" which like...yeah, admittedly it was a little sooner than usual but like..........sometimes i just need more of my medicine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

pretty sure i was doing a lot of physical shit around then so yeah, i probably took more of my pills than normal....i realize i should probably just bite the bullet and contact my neurologist to see if he can up my prescription before my next visit in september where we normally go over that because evi-fuck-ing-dently if i need a little bit more sometimes it's gonna be a whole thing now

and of course, me being me, i'm like...apologetic, just like, "okay, well i can just come back another day, sorry" and she said, "well, we can refill it if you want to wait," which like....................why did you give me grief over it then?! but then when i asked about how long would it be she was like, "i dunno, 20 minutes or you can just come back later," which is hell to tell my autistic ass so i was just like, "uh, i guess i'll come back later..." which she seemed to be glad to be rid of me and likewise, so!

i went and cried in my car for a bit because once again just frustrated that i felt humiliated over that because it wasn't that deep, but it just kinda reminded me of high school and how i purposefully avoided going to the nurse's office to get my medicine because she was such a fucking asshole to me (she was the one who after i asked if my dad could come pick me up because i was sick started grilling me on my condition to which her conclusion was, "so, what, are you going to stay in bed for the rest of your life or something?" with just pure hatred in her voice, i literally didn't have an answer for that. she did not last long as the nurse, surprisingly! she was very unpopular, i can't even imagine the other fucked up shit she probably said to my classmates)

but yeah, just...hey, i need this to literally function. i'm not trying to hurt anyone. i'm not trying to make your job, that i know is already very hard, any harder. i just want my goddamn medicine. i just walked through over-stimulation city and am going to do it twice today (it's costco btw and the pharmacy is alllllll the way in the back), just......please do not give me a hard time about this for the love of god

also, if you're wondering, "gee anna, i'd just switch pharmacies if i were you, that sounds like a lot of hassle!" yes, i have considered that, but you see............my job's got me by the balls on this one. in the past couple of years they've introduced their own pharmacy and technically...........technically i'm supposed to be filling my medicine with them.

there's literally a clause about like, "don't you fucking dare fill [my type of medication] with anyone but us!!" but like......somehow i've managed to make it this far without them noticing??

and costco themselves have just sort of made it work?? because i think my original script was actually for a larger supply, but i guess if i got that filled it would force me to use my work's so costco just fills it to a lesser degree and somehow it flies under the rader. i dunno !!

but !! i've been using them instead of my work because from everything i've heard.....our pharmacy sux !!!!

i won't get into all of it (but like my mom has said some of her medicine with like...clearly what it is with her name and everything on it was left lying out where patients and god and everyone could see it....not great)

they also just make a lot of mistakes and i'm skeptical if they store things correctly so suffice to say there's a lot of reasons i just don't want to deal with it, it's also apparently hard to just...get your meds from them because of how they do things. so i really don't want to make this process any more challenging than what it already is, but yeah. a little bit frustrating, i guess

in addition to.....all of this, i also had got to thinking, "damn, i've been working a lot of 50 hour weeks lately, how long have i been doing this? a few months now?"

i knew it was around the time my dad was dying because i remember quite literally watching him in his hospice bed over the top of my computer to make sure he didn't wake up again and try to take his oxygen off

turns out it's uh....been a year now

right around this time last year i started working 50 hours a week.

granted there were a few weeks, especially at the beginning, where i would work one 50 hour week and then a 44 hour week and then 50 hours again and 40 back and forth like that because i was worried i'd get in trouble but eventually i realized no one way saying anything so eventually (and with a few exceptions, of course) i just started doing one after the other and now i'm here......kiiiiiiiiinda burnt out

which isn't surprising really, when i think about it

i was quite literally experiencing burn out to the point of serious thoughts about not being here anymore and engaging in self harm through my meltdowns so i guess you could say i was a little stressed last year but i pretty much had to try to put it all on pause and just...get to work in so many senses and i know i let a lot of things fall through the cracks. too many probably. but i cannot emphasize enough just how much i was breaking down and how hard it was for me to hold my shit together during that time.

i didn't want anyone to know it had gotten that bad, i felt like a monster and every day it's like i did something else horrendously wrong or said the wrong thing and sometimes i really did and sometimes it was just my warped perception of things and i started to lose the ability to tell the difference and it all just congealed into one big ball of stress

i spent a lot of therapy sessions honestly just bawling my eyes out because of it after which i usually felt better for a little while, but it would slowly build up again and again because i still hadn't figured out what works and what doesn't as far as self-care goes and what even are my needs and god this is all so fucking overwhelming and the spots on my dad's lungs just keep getting worse and he keeps getting weaker and my mom's falling apart and i'm falling apart and everything's falling apart, but not me!! never me, not yet!!

so i just kept going. and still am.

yes, i've had a few breaks and those have helped tremendously. i'm taking another one next month (bet you can't guess which week) and i'm just going to stay here, maybe do some cleaning on my closet and hopefully catch up on sleep

this, so far, is what seems to work

when i feel myself approaching my limit, i shut off essentially. i go into autopilot

i do what i need to get done, get it all done and then crash and recover as much as possible until i reach the next big rest (which is usually just a week at a time but i'll take it !!!) and along the way i just try to pick up different modalities of self-care and prioritizing my health and wellbeing as i go

like today, i managed to sleep in until 11 am. beautiful !! stunning !!

first time i've felt like a human being in ???

i took advantage of this renewed energy to put my efforts into putting together something special for my niece's kids.

unfortunately, their dad's father passed away earlier this week. sudden heart attack, apparently.

the younger one doesn't really have as much attachment to him, i don't think, but the older one is really torn up about this from what her mom has told us

he used to babysit for them a lot so he was a big part of her life. they were actually supposed to get ice cream that day because he promised it to her if she did well on one of her tests and she did but that obviously didn't end up happening

that's two of her grandfathers now she's lost in about 6 months and my heart is just broken for her

her mom said already that sometimes she just bursts into tears out of nowhere and when she asks her, "honey, what's wrong?" she says she misses my dad (which hey.......big same. the sudden crying about it and everything).

his funeral will be on monday which my mom won't be able to go to but said she wanted to still go up there tomorrow just to be with the kids if nothing else to give them some extra comfort

i'm staying behind so i can watch the critters (and because i don't think right now i'm up for all of that honestly) but i did want to send them my love so i took about an hour today to shop for some presents for them

i got them both these really neat stuffed animals (a dinosaur for the younger one because they're her favorite; it roars and lights up and everything) and a bunny that also makes a cute noise and lights up and they're both nice and cuddly since her mom also said right now all the older one wants to do is curl up with her blanket and watch her favorite shows

i also got the younger one some bluey dolls since that's her favorite right now and a little bracelet that looks like one i know she has and loves except this one has a little purple butterfly on it !!

i got her sister a really nice princess crown and this cool lip balm thing with a container that has some of her favorite characters on it so i hope she likes that and i got her a bracelet that's similar to her sister's but it says "don't give up" on it

mom's going to take them the gifts tomorrow so i hope they like them and most of all, i hope they help. i walked up and down the kid's toy aisles so much i think i was making people nervous with me being a single adult just going up and down the aisles constantly but i was really trying to put a lot of thought into what would cheer them up and give them comfort right now

after that i made a few more stops to get me a few little treats even though i probably don't need them, but they made me happy so...there!

i came home, relaxed for a little bit, took the dog for a walk/potty break, fed him his dinner, washed some dishes, took out all the trash, took a shower and i finally ate dinner around 10 pm

so yeah. been....pretty busy lately.

i think part of what's contributing to this particular burnout is that i just feel like i haven't stopped in....ages now. i just keep going and going and going and going

but !!! if nothing else this tells me i really need to step up my skills for dealing with, well, me.

although i reserve the right as a scorpio to close the door to myself for a while and emerge dramatically when i feel rejuvenated, there are...better ways of approaching things, i think, so we're going to work on that

namely i'm going to work on getting more sleep. i think that's one of the biggest contributing factors because i'm just exhausted all of the goddamn time and being exhausted leads me to being on edge all day long (even when i start out the day in an awesome mood sometimes, over time and as i sit there working it's like the life just drains out of me)

so we're going to work on that and we're also going to work on our diet. although processed foods have kept me steady for all these years due to their dependability and extreme convenience, i'm at an age where i really need to be eating a lot more vegetables and actually start cooking most of my meals

going to work on that and eventually the plan is to also start growing some of my own food because another thing too is like.....every goddamn product in the store anymore is owned by some bullshit genocide supporting monopoly entity so like......the less i can contribute to that the better, i figure

i also really hope to get to my closet soon because i know i keep talking about it and it and it's been forever but i just haven't had the capacity for it so it got put on hold but fingers crossed on my break i can at least start to chip away at it

which....speaking of stuff around the house, that's been another thing

it's becoming clear to my mom and i that this house, beautifully made by my father as it is, really needs some love put into it

the entire thing honestly needs a good deep clean, but in addition to that i'm pretty sure there's mold upstairs. i don't know about downstairs, but i'm 99.9% sure it's up here and i think part of it probably has to do with the fact that the doors i have that go outside don't.....close completely ?? heh

i may have accidentally fallen into them at one point and knocked them out of frame and no matter what i've done to try to fix it (mostly slamming against it from the other side like i'm a fucking football player) so i've done what i can to mitigate the slight crack that's at the top of the door but i'm pretty sure moisture has been getting in anyway so that's fun !!

those doors obviously need to be replaced and there's also a skylight in my bathroom that i think has gotten some water damage around it so that might be contributing as well, but that needs to be fixed, too

there's also some ceiling work that my dad had started on in their bedroom but didn't get to finish before he got sick so that needs to be finished and of course the water heater could still go at any time

the plumber was able to get it back to somewhat full capacity, but even still i've noticed the hot water runs out a lot faster than it used too, so that'll be something else

we also hadn't really realized until all of this with my dad just how inaccessible our house is to get into if you struggle to walk or need a wheelchair

we did what we could with my dad's chair and he'd hold on to one of us to get into the house while holding his cane with the other hand, but like that one night he was so weak after he fell earlier in the day and then all day at the emergency getting checked out, he nearly fell and busted his open and instead ended up collapsing in the hallway just inside the garage entrance and we had to call ems to help come get him up out of the floor so.....we really need to at the very least have hand rails installed at some entrance point of this house that'll make it easier (the backdoor technically has them but it would be a trek for someone with mobility issues of any kind to get back there to them)

the carpets all either need a really good deep clean or to be taken up and replaced with either more carpet or something else

and i'm sure there's more i'm not thinking of right now, but suffice to say, it's....a lot. and no, it doesn't all have to be done right now, right now but the sooner the better for some of them for sure

fortunately my dad left us some money that initially he said we could use for a trip but i think we're going to instead use to do a lot of this stuff around the house that needs to be done

in the meantime, i'm going to try to clean as i go as much as possible. getting all that stuff out from around the water heater really just makes me want to rent a dumpster so we can just throw a bunch of this shit away because honestly a lot of it is just junk at this point that's not even worth donating or giving to someone

some of it yes and definitely any clothes we find that are still good quality, but a lot of this shit i would love nothing more than to just chuck into a dumpster and feel like i can breathe a little easier because it's nowhere near hoarder level i don't think, but for my taste it's starting to feel a little claustrophobic

in the mean time, i'm also going to try to start reading more because i really did used to enjoy it and i think my brain's starting to finally get to a point where it's like, "hey, i can handle new information !! let's start learning again !! let's start reading a whole bunch !!" so i'm excited to start that

i'm still journaling and working my puzzles and spending time outside connecting with nature so these are all also things that i think help me out a lot that i intend to keep up

i also want to start teaching myself how to play my dad's guitar soon because i've always wanted to do that and i think it would bring me a lot of joy if i could manage to learn

i'm also just, as weird as it sounds, letting myself be more autistic, i guess ??

i hadn't realized until recently just how much i've suppressed a lot of stimming and self-soothing behaviors and how much better i feel when i just.....let myself do them

i've struggled with being perceived even when i know i'm completely alone for some time now, i remember even talking about it with my last therapist like a decade ago so this has been a thing

i used to even cover the vents when i went to the bathroom and would shower in the dark because i couldn't pinpoint why i felt like i was always being watched but just in case aliens or the government or whoever were secretly spying on me i was going to avoid them !!

anyway, hey, younger me, turns out you're just really neurodivergent, babe! like i'm starting to think you're more than just autistic, you might also have a decent helping of adhd, dunno, it's kind of slowly starting to emerge which is weird but i'll give you a for instance......i forgot to sign up for my insurance this year!!

i kept getting the alert on my paycom thing whenever i log in every day and i even checked it a few times and was like, "oh yeah, i need to do that," but just kept forgetting the second i would look away from it and anyway, the other day i get an email that's like, "hey, so you've been automatically enrolled in your issuance this year since you didn't wanna do it yourself :P" basically so i do have it, but what's my plan like ?? is it a good one ?? i dunno just yet but i guess we'll see. they're all pretty much the same at this point but i think i did notice it's a different provider so...woohoo, i'm slowly but surely collecting all the insurance types like they're fucking pokemon

anyway, shit like that's been happening more and more lately, but i'm trying to get a handle on that, too because i'm already in a big enough hole as is and quite literally cannot afford to dig myself any deeper so we're gonna do what we need to in order to be well and be somewhat healthy and get this brain sorted out and hopefully, eventually, i'll get to reach a point where i can put down a few of the balls i've been juggling and just kinda....take it easy for a bit

again, and i know i always say this, but i fear i always sound out of touch with reality when i talk about my life like this and so i want to make it clear i do acknowledge all of this could be much, much worse

my life is by far nowhere near as bad as it could be and in a lot of ways i have many things working in my favor and that are of great help to me, so i'm extremely grateful for that. i haven't always been, admittedly, but i've also had a lot of complicated feelings to unpack especially in the past year that made it difficult, but i've come out the other side of that now and i really do just want to mature and focus on growing and part of that is my gratitude for the things in my life that are going right and are immensely beneficial to my wellbeing

that being said, my life nevertheless still hast its challenges and although i blab a lot on here (probably more than i should) i do still tend to keep the majority or perhaps the intensity of how i really feel all to myself

i know there are definitely times that even i can admit that it's like, "uh, hey, the thing you're having a meltdown over really isn't worth being that upset about, it'll be okay........" because sure enough everything was/is totally fine and it's not a big deal, but it's hard to describe how in the moment it feels so much bigger and far more dire so what seems like a lot of dramatics and going through the motions on everyone else's end may all be for naught but like...it's still a tangible hell i end up going through that takes its toll on me, i'm just....used to it, lol

i've literally been getting overloaded since i was born and in some ways it feels like it's never stopped since then, the only problem was i didn't have an answer as to why until very recently so it's not like i wasn't doing anything about my mental health because i just wasn't prioritizing it, i didn't even know where to begin and my first attempt at getting help didn't even land close to what the real issue was so it put me off for a long time (to be fair, the therapy was also heavily focused on like.....my sister having just died, so that's at least part of why, i'm sure)

this really feels like the first time in either a very, very, very long time or possibly even ever that i've been able to just actually stop a little and catch my breath. feel like myself, my actual self. not the mask i've been poorly trying to keep together for forever now

a mask that part of me is hesitant still as i continue to take it off because what i'm realizing about myself is that a lot of who i am/who i've been was tied up in that so like.....naturally i'm starting to see a lot of shifts in the relationships around me and just how i think about myself as well and how i approach things

and it's hard because it's like.....am i being fair ?? am i taking everyone around me's feelings into consideration ?? because i'm so used to having to do that and tiptoe around and always feel like i'm walking on eggshells except my clumsy ass was just tromping through them anyway, always putting my foot in my mouth and saying the exact wrong thing that at the worst possible time and just hating myself more and more but not knowing how to fix it so i'd just princess caroline my relationships and focus on everyone else instead which makes people like you for that, but not so much the rest so there's this constant worry of, "is that all i'm good for? will i be replaced as soon as i stop being useful?" and not for nothing but like....it's happened before, so!!!

so....yeah. i've been unpacking a lot of things lately and just trying to sit with them and think about all of this and about who i want to be now and how to get there

the process is already happening and has been for about a year now, but it's a slow one unfortunately (and really all of this has been woefully too late, but that's what happens when you snooze, anna. you lose !!!) but like that asshole walter white once said, i am......awake, now. except instead of becoming an ego-maniacal abusive drug lord who destroys his family and everything he touches, i'm going to do...whatever the opposite of that is. in every sense

i hope i can grow into a person who is ultimately kind and loving and patient and stable and lovable and healed who has interesting hobbies like making music and maybe recreating some of the pictures she takes of the sky in the form of paintings if she gets good enough

as overwhelming as everything has felt lately i can also feel new possibilities unfurling in me and i can see so many roads and avenues i could go down in terms of growth and development and for the first time i'm staring to feel like i'm brave enough to do it or at least give it a shot

so that's what i hope for. that's what i'm working towards.

thee are going to be parts of me i know people aren't going to like, in particular my tendency to want to spend the majority of my time alone and with my own thoughts, at least for right now, but that's just something i feel as though i need to do and quite honestly, as though i've earned

in some regards, i've spent a good portion, if not almost all of my life in some form or fashion taking care of the people that i love. often in an emotional sense, but i like to think i've also stepped up to the plate in a lot of other ways even if i didn't do every single thing perfectly, i still at least tried

i think i've finally earned some time to focus on me and just me for a little bit.

not to say i won't help anyone with anything (i quite literally spend a good chunk of my time helping my mom now), but i can tell with everything in my being that i really, really need to just turn inwards for a little bit, focus on me, heal some more, mature some more and i think when i emerge from this cocoon i'm going to be....a decent looking butterfly!! (actually, i also hope i get hot. not like "oh, i buy these clothes or makeup or whatever" but just like...y'know, hot. when you invest in yourself hot, you know what i mean? idk it's getting late and i'm quite tired)

but yeah. think that's about it for now.

sorry this was so long, i've just clearly had a lot going on and have a lot on my mind and i like to just check in every so often to document where i'm at in this journey

wish it was a better update, but they can't all be good or we wouldn't be working towards anything, now would we?

i guess that's all for now.

a coupe of last things:

i saw a big yellow butterfly the other day when i was taking the dog out. i sort of associate yellow with my dad now because he loved yellow flowers, especially sunflowers, so whenever i see anything yellow, really, i think of him and of course butterflies are supposedly visitors so i think that might have been him saying hi, which i really needed

also, the cashier supervising the self check i was at today said, "you can use whichever one you want, darlin'," to me which made me smile a lot although they couldn't tell because i had a mask on but i said thank you and tried to smize as best as i could before scooting off to scan my items and get one step close to going back home

oh, and i started to cry a little earlier because on my way home i had to pass by the funeral home and in particular where i was sat at a red light i actually had a perfect view of the crematorium and right as i was looking at it i hear bert mccracken (who btw has apparently been pro-Palestinian for like a decade now so good on him; i knew i chose right in the divorce when everyone else went to gerard's !!) coming from my speakers going, "fill your lungs with smoke for the last tiiiiiime!!" and i started to laugh because like.....c'mon, that's kinda funny, but then i started to cry because i remember that day and then i just missed him but i also had to drive so we just shut that shit down and headed home and i still haven't cried yet so will probably do that tomorrow and some journaling. i think a big cry would help a lot so we'll see !!

as always, i hope if you're reading this you have a good weekend and can also get some rest from chaotic life and stress and all the other bullshit

i hope something good happens for you soon and that you also heal and can try to find some peace and comfort

i absolutely must go to sleep now so g'night !!! <3

#long post #just an update about me/my mental health/what i've been up to type of thing

2 notes · View notes

therapyishelpingwhataconcept · 2 months ago

Text

The last few days have been much lower energy. On Wednesday I had a good day at work and went to therapy and even Kaitlin could tell i was lower energy than the week before. So maybe this is my "normal" and what I was feeling before was the mania?

I've been able to focus at work too. I feel more like calm and collected and mature and more like a manager adult. Less imposter-y.

Still haven't washed dishes.

I did clean the litter box!

And on Wednesday I went to a concert (Marianas Trench) with Kenz and Tyler and it was SO MUCH FUN! Definitely worth thr late night and exhaustion the next day.

I also impulsively bought $100 of books. The series of A Throne of Glass. I loved that book when I borrowed it from Kenz. Anyway, I thought I'd better get that down here since spending is something I'm tracking.

I haven't been stuttering as much the last few days. There have been a few times where I could catch myself start to stutter but I got out of it almost immediately so there was no noticable stutter.

I've been waking up earlier and forcing myself to go back to sleep. Maybe I should start waking up and actually getting up. I used to do that.

0 notes

loved-in-silk · 5 months ago

Text

A Few-Minute Read Directly Into My Brain:

I just ate miso soup at one in the morning and I really want to flesh this out here so it can be raw and real before I post a condensed version to Substack so this will be almost stream of consciousness.

I am burning out and this is the first time I'm seeing it coming. I am on my period, I have spent a lot of money on setting my house up better recently and I have stacked 10 days for myself straight at work on purpose, so I can have 2 days off to accommodate for plans with family and friends.

Coincidentally, at work, I get to flex my future-manager skills and rack up those brownie points so maybe they'll make me general manager finally. This means I am busy all day and all night. I think about people in medical school and realize I could never ever even try and keep up. But, I have been trying something new. I am deeply aware that I am hormonal and processing a lot through words, and that I have all these thoughts circling in my brain and that that could be very good or very bad. Hopefully this is helping. Anyway the new thing I'm trying. Immediate gratification to get over the hard thing, but spacing the things out so they're little and bite sized and won't hurt so much to do and won't take as many spoons.

The stuff I got for my house can work in my favor. I did a load of dishes, I have at least 2-3 more because my dishwasher has been out for about a month. I made dinner for my husband and eventually ate something. I didn't want to grind any more cheese. Everything seems like it has to be perfect or it's useless. I'm very tired and my feet hurt. Anyway. God this is insane. Okay. In the morning if I wake up early enough, and I shower (the hard thing), I get to dye my hair (the fun thing). If I make myself lunch and take it to work (the hard thing), I get to also make a coffee with my new syrup (the fun thing). I got my sweet cat a new under-litter-box mat, and if I sweep the whole floor, I can install it for her. This will be satisfying. I can reward another hard thing with organizing my bathroom, which I always find cathartic. Do you see how all of these things are also work? Do you see how all of this also takes spoons?! Do you see how I can't ignore them? How they all need to be done eventually so I can at some point reap the rewards of a better, more clean house and finally relax inside and what, do a craft? Smoke weed? My whole system feels slightly broken, but these things need to happen. At some point and one way or another. Sitting in the mess, the half assedness of it all. I've worked hard to give myself ease, I'm just struggling to take it since it's been granted. Not to mention, everything is messy anyway. I need to remember to take pads, and my tablet and my charger to work as well as the dirty rags I cleaned in my prospective manager pursuits. And then when I get to work, I have a billion things to do there. I cannot just stop. That would be worse than any of this.

0 notes

calamityandme · 1 year ago

Text

Dear diary (lol),

Today has been very good. I got to sleep in finally. I woke up at 11:15 and had a brief moment of, “oh shit, can I do that?” but snapped out of it.

I made coffee and showed Danny how I like my coffee so he can make me some hahaha. After drinking a cup of strong café bustelo I started working on the house. Sundays are my cleaning days.

I started with arguably one of the hardest chores today, something I’ve been wanting to do for a while since I’m preparing for our families to visit the house later this month; vacuuming out the air conditioner grates.

It hadn’t been cleaned probably since we’ve moved here, over four years ago. Some people would be mortified by me saying that, others would probably question why I’m cleaning a rental that hardcore. I’m doing it now, that’s what matters. Not that Danny’s parents are going to come over and immediately look at my grates. I worry that little things like that are secretly making the house smell bad.

While cleaning the grates i had to empty the shop vac out multiple times because it kept getting stuck with thick wads of dark gray dust and fibers. I also found what I think was a molded McDonald’s French fry. I was actually amazed because I’ve never seen a molded McDonald’s fry before. I wondered how fucking long that fry had been in that grate before fate decided I would obsess over cleaning something long enough to eventually do it.

After the grates I vacuumed the inside of the couch, vacuumed the living room twice as well as the kitchen, bathroom and second bedroom. I mopped the kitchen, bathroom and second bedroom. I didn’t want to bother with our room this time (trying to convince myself that’s fine). Then I tidied the living room and kitchen, gathered all the trash, did two loads of laundry, cleaned the bathroom and filled the essential oil diffusers. Changed both litter boxes and replaced with fresh litter. Danny did some more dishes also which I appreciate.

It’s a small thing, but I also moved a succulent onto our coffee table in the living room. I think it makes the house look nice. We have a lot of plants but most of them are on the porch during the summer and the rest are next to the best windows in the house for light.

I’m trying really hard to make the house smell alright. Not that I think it reeks right now. I just know people become smell blind when they live in a home for a while. I don’t want my mom to come over and think, “smells like weed and old produce,” y’know?

Now that I’m pretty much done with cleaning for the day I’m kind of not sure what to do. I’m trying to remember desires that are not productive/cleaning related.

I thought about baking earlier but now my energy is running out. It’s almost 7 PM and my body is slowing down. I might sort laundry, maybe watch a show and play the Switch. Take a bath. I don’t know.

I finished my Graveyard Book. It was a really good book. I really enjoyed listening to Neil Gaiman’s narration. I wish Bod and Scarlet could have stayed friends, but I imagine that after Nobody traveled out of the cemetery he found a good life with people to spend time with.

Now I’m starting a new audiobook. The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. So far I’m hooked. I started listening to it today and I’m already 25% done with it (almost listened to three hours just while cleaning). I like the storytelling in this book, the gay tension and the Greek influences.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to not do much. That’s what I try to do when I don’t work on Mondays anyway. I have to schedule down days often for myself, otherwise I will keep going until I breakdown. My fuse is so much shorter than it used to be, I used to tolerate so much more. I just have to have time to lay in bed or stare at the wall and exist. It recharges me so I can do what I need to throughout the week.

I hope anyone reading this has had a good weekend 🩵

0 notes

handelplayssims · 2 years ago

Text

Its a new morning and Ashlynn wakes up with 30 minutes until work. Enough time to browse art to get into a creative moodlet before going in to be a cashier. Good luck. Oh! It’s Explosion Day! You gotta have a day for fireworks and today is this day! We have a bonfire tradition, fireworks, airing grievances, for additional hot air, and art and music tradition! Ashlynn likes the fire and being mean. Kiara likes the fireworks and the art and music. Zayne...just likes fireworks, as a kid does. Santiago is just eh on everything. Hooray for Kiara’s whim working well with this holiday, to just play the violin! I still consider her more of a guitar gal. Anyway people work up an hour or two before work and it’s just a matter of setting up appropriate whims and such before they head in. And some cleaning. And off everyone goes!

...Ashlynn came back pissed. Alas, customer service life. Let’s see, to rage at someone in her relationships or to just pick a random person off the street. Street sounds fun!

...it is snowing outside. Must be a mysterious weather situation, in which the weather does whatever it wants to do. So snow in a desert!

Who are YOU looking at? Shouldn’t you be at school!? Target acquired to get mad at! Let’s yell at a child! Anyway, we made a child’s day worse. Fun times! Still mad and grumpy so we can kick a trash can, her first whim! ...it didn’t help much, alas. Anyway, normally I would pop on over to a gym to punch a bag but eh, she’s got 6 hours until work. It’s time to light a FIRE! And get a fire pit ready and going. Alas, I can’t get any of the big bonfires going as we do not have the space for it, so it has to be some of the smaller Outdoor Retreat fire pits. And we can roast fish for lunch! Nice toasted salmon, delicious! And with that, Ashlynn’s had a good holiday, even if she doesn’t feel good at the moment. Annnd now she’s being mean to the cat. Welp. And now Kiara, who just came home from school and uh, I noticed Ashlynn had the whim to rile up someone. Yeesh. Now I’m just going to have her jog the neighborhood, again, it’s super close to work so I won’t have her leave the lot to find a punching bag that isn’t whomever is near her.

...why do sims always route to the bathroom sink to do dishes. -sigh- Now Zayne’s embarassed! Anyway, first thing’s first, holiday traditions for the kids. Firstly, we go and play some songs on the guitar for Kiara. And now everything has broken down in the bathroom. Alas. And next we’ll purchase some fireworks. Used to be that I’d try to run to the humor and hijinks festival to nab some when it was up but then I spotted that you can just order some fireworks at the computer. We’ll have a private fireworks show at home once the sun goes down! 8PM perhaps. It is now 8PM and the sun hasn’t set enough for me to properly enjoy fireworks. Plus, it’s raining! RUDE! Yep, now it’s 10 and it’s properly dark out now. Also Santiago pestered and was mean to Zayne while he had his homework done beside his dad and now he’s in a bad mood. Alas. It’s the perfect time to set off fireworks to! Ohp, never mind. Zayne asked his dad for advice so now he isn’t upset at all! Hooray. And thus was a fireworks time had by all before we headed off to bed!

I lied, the kids are doing their homework alongside each other and are complaining about their parents. Good on them. Kiara even put Zayne to bed and helped clean the litter box and fill our cat’s food bowl before heading to bed herself. Tomorrow will be a rough day for her but ah well.

Neighborhood Watch!

Haych Kahananui in the Kahananui household has died. Haych should have taken swimming classes.

...double checking and yep, that person was in a house. Farewell and goodbye!

#sims 4 #liveblogging #Wallace Family #ashlynn wallace #kiara wallace #zayne wallace #santiago wallace

0 notes

thotsforvillainrights · 2 years ago

Note

May we pls get Geten, Chimera, Spinner, and Hari with an S/o who likes to leave lipstick kissmarks on them?

(I think I got an ask like this recently but I formatted it differently! I love these kind of asks! If you ever need a more detailed one then feel free to let me know!)

(after I reopen the box WHICH WILL BE SOON)

~Give me a Kiss~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

~Geten~

-Do enjoy doing this to him? Making him flustered and frustrated? It feels like you do. Every single time he’s trying to enjoy his alone time by sitting on the couch and relaxing, here you come into the room yet again. Each time he’s got to leave for MLA meetings or training, you put those lips on him. Even when he’s trying to hold his composure with you his resolve crumbles into nothing when you approach him pouting those plump lips and preparing to litter his skin in fresh kiss marks over and over again. His face gets cherry red every single time. He pushes you away and grumbles, muttering to himself as he desperately tries to wipe his skin clean with both hands. “Fucking stop it!” He shouts as he tries to get burning cheeks back under control (and the rapid beating of his heart too). If you were to ever stop doing it then he’d complain even worse about you not doing it than how he complains when you do it now. There’s no way to win with him lol.

~Chimera~

-”Huh? Again?” Chimera realized his fur was stained with yet another kiss mark from you when Mummy suddenly points it out one day. He just shrugged and wipes it off as best he can before going back to drinking his beer and chatting with the others over dinner. It doesn’t make him a difference whether you leave marks on him or not. To him, it’s perfectly normal. He’s in love with you (though he won’t talk about it often), and with a relationship sometimes there will come kissing depending on the type of person you’re with. He’s a grown man. What the hell has he got to hide anyway? He’d walk outside with a full blown hickie or two if you gave it to him. Besides...he’s kinda proud of being able to show off the marks. It almost like some kind of trophy for him really. Hell, it’s an equal exchange anyway. He’s got a thing for biting you so give him as many as marks as you want and he’ll do the exact same.

~Spinner~

-I’ve said it before and I will say it again: you can pry the shy Spinner headcanon from my cold dead hands. He blushed once from being complimented canonly, and I took that and ran with it. This man is easily flustered with his lover. You can just look at him a certain way and he’ll quickly turn away from you, rubbing the back of his head and choking on the air around him. “D-don’t look at me like that, damn it!” He’s butter for you, he’ll melt when you show him a ton of affection. Leaving kissy marks all over him will leave him just about incapacitated if you needed him to be. He’ll sit there and soak up every little bit of attention that you have to offer him. He’d skip out on a couple of league get togethers if it meant having you there marking him up instead. Spinner would drop an online game and lose the match just to have to kiss him for minutes on end. He’s a sucker for you. However, he tends to try and hide those marks when around the others. One day he slipped up and let them show and Dabi ripped on him until he was red with annoyance. (Dabi still teases him about it btw)

~Chronostasis~

-You better be prepared to get whatever you dish out right back. Behind closed doors he’s a little bit friskier although he draws the line when work is involved. Litter his neck in kisses and he’s going to try to litter your ass in hand-prints (or at least the sensation of stinging depending on whether or not the reader get’s handprints easily or not [skin tone]) For every mark you leave on him, he’s going to try to retaliate. So often something sweet can get turned into something rather steamy instead. Now when work is involved he’s different. He’s definitely not big on showing up to work with any type of marks on him so he’s going to try and wipe them away beforehand. It’s not like he’s scared to be teased by the others or anything. He’ll just turn it around on them if they try it. “Well at least I’m getting kiss marks. What are you getting? Oh yeah, nothing. Sorry I forgot.” It’s just that Hari is trying to remain professional in his line of work. Can’t head to a shake-down and threaten for money when you’ve got cute little kissy marks on your neck. What kind of gangster would have kissy marks??? Aside from this, he loves your marks and he’ll take as many as you give him depending on the situation.

#Hari Kurono #bnha chronostasis #chrono bnha #shuichi iguchi #bnha spinner #bnha chimera #chojuro kon #bnha geten #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #shie hassaikai #league of villains #meta liberation army

51 notes · View notes

imagines-ahs · 2 years ago

Text

Chapter Nine - Yellow.

Summary: Wilhemina Venable felt it was finally time to leave Kineros Robotics and get a job with people who weren’t such morons like Jeff and Mutt. What she didn’t expect, however, was for her new boss to be so damn insufferable. She didn’t expect to fall in love with her, either.

Tag List: @devriesgoode @mistysswampmud @paulsonsratched @msvenablx @notmeellaannyy (message me to be added if interested!)

Venable nodded. “I do. But I still think you should take care of yourself.” Billie Dean was about to answer when her phone began ringing. She reached for it in her pocket, seeing Jenny’s name on the screen. Glancing apologetically at Wilhemina, she picked it up. While Billie was on the phone, Venable got up to check Purpura’s food; she refilled her water bowl and made sure the litter box was clean. The call Billie Dean had received was probably about work, given they should be at the office. I need to eat. They’d probably have to leave soon, so she could have lunch at work. A yawn cut through Venable’s lips, reminding her of how tired she was. Wilhemina didn’t think it was fair to sleep while Billie Dean did; she was in her working hours, after all. It’s going to be a long day. She was thankful there was nothing she had to do after work today besides coming home and spoiling her cat.

When Billie Dean hang up, she took one last bite of the bagel and grabbed the plate and glass to take it to the kitchen. Timidly, she entered it. “Excuse me.”

Wilhemina looked at her from where she was leaning against the counter. “You can leave it on the sink.”

“I can wash it.” Billie Dean absolutely hated to do the dishes, but she had manners.

“Don’t worry about it. I can pop it into the dishwasher later.”

If Wilhemina insisted… I just got my nails done. “Thank you.” Billie put the dishes into the sink. “Jenny is needing me back at the office.”

“We should go.” Venable was almost done with the policy work she had been doing, and she planned on finishing it today.

“Yeah. I’ll call my driver.”

“Nonsense,” Wilhemina said before Billie Dean could reach for her phone. “I can drive. I need to drive back home later, anyways.”

Billie Dean nodded. Most people always took advantage of the perks she had. It was so weird to just be. “Okay.” She smiled a little.

“Should we get going?”

“Sure.”

Wilhemina led them to the garage, stopping to grab her purse on the way. Purpura meowed at them, and Venable blew her a kiss before closing the door. The ride back seemed to be quicker than both of them remembered, and soon they were stepping back at the office. Billie Dean flashed Venable a smile and followed to find Jenny. Wilhemina, on the other hand, walked straight to her table. She turned her computer on and leaned back on her chair. I’m starving.

“Long time no see,” Emma said sweetly as she approached her table. Venable’s brown eyes lifted up to look at her, and she was instantly reminded of the fact that Emma not only was interested in her, but had told their boss about it. Her insides stammered in shame.

“Hi.” Wilhemina allowed the corners of her lips to lift up.

“Did anything happen?” Emma’s hip leaned against Venable’s table. The position caught Wilhemina’s attention, for her eyes involuntarily scanned Emma; she had never realized how well she dressed, too. Today, in specific, Emma was wearing a brown skirt and a white sweater, topped with high-knee boots. Her legs are so muscular.

“Not really.” Venable definitely wouldn’t share the whole… whatever it was situation. Emma nodded at her, and she could see the way she sucked her lip in, as if she were debating on something.

“Have you had lunch already?”

There it is. “No, I haven’t.”

“Would you… like to join me?” Emma was hesitant, delicate. So delicate Venable still felt a hint of guilt from how things had gone down the day before. It was all so weird.

Wilhemina nodded. “I would. That bakery again?”

“Did you like it?” Emma’s eyebrows lifted up, and her lips held back an ashamed chuckle.

“I did, actually.”

“I don’t mind if we eat here.”

Wilhemina could see why Emma would think she hadn’t enjoyed going out of the office, and although she appreciated how she was willing to make her feel comfortable, Venable felt, deep inside her, that she owned Emma a nice lunch. “I’d like to go to the bakery again, if that’s alright with you.”

Emma’s green eyes turned into a slightly almond-like shape as she smiled with them. She nodded. “I’d love it. Are you ready to go?” Wilhemina nodded and got up again, reaching for her coat and purse. “That’s the first time you’re ready pronto,” Emma teased.

Fair enough. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that Venable actually wanted to go this time, but she wouldn’t tell Emma that. There was no reason, so far, to push Emma away. It was risky, letting someone in, so Wilhemina proceeded with caution. “Hunger calls.”

“I get that.” Emma let out a chuckle.

The walk to the bakery was short, but they walked slowly and without so much of a rush. The streets in that area were suitable for Wilhemina’s cane, so she didn’t struggle with broken tiles and uneven patterns. When they got to the bakery, Venable chose the same table they had sat the day before. The view was nice, and near the window she could always take a breath when she felt overwhelmed. The menus were soon placed on their table and quickly they ordered. A jar of lemonade was shared once again, and it was the first thing to arrive.

“Thank you.” Venable reached for her glass as Emma poured her some juice.

“Of course.” Setting the jar aside, Emma took a first sip. She hummed. “It tastes even better than yesterday.”

Venable reached to do the same. Indeed, the juice was richer. “Divine,” she nodded. Emma offered her a smile. Wilhemina eyed her, and under the bright light of the window, Emma looked almost like a porcelain doll; dark long hair, green big eyes, pale skin, small lips… everyone was so beautiful at Billie Dean Howard & Co. I might not belong in there in terms of appearance.

“So… about yesterday. I know you’ve said everything was alright, but I want to apologize again. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Emma’s cheeks had gotten a little bit crimson. Her eyes fell down, not fixating on Venable anymore.

The topic wasn’t the easiest for Wilhemina, and she wished they’d just forget yesterday ever happened. But Emma seemed awfully worried about it, and even though it annoyed Venable for the discomfort she felt, it also softened something inside of her. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable.” It wasn’t a lie. She herself had made the situation escalate.

“I just… I don’t want to push you away.” Emma looked back up at Venable. “I meant it when I said I want to get to know you better.” Please, stop. Venable gulped dry, nodding slightly. She didn’t know what to answer to that. Do I want to get to know her better? It was too soon to tell. “I think you’re beautiful, Wilhemina.” The words were so out of the blue Venable thanked the Gods she hadn’t taken another sip of juice, for she would have probably choked. Her skin warmed up. She blindly reached to play with the napkin on top of their table. “If you ever want me to leave you alone regarding that, just tell me. It’s just that I can’t miss my shot… not with you.” By the time Emma stopped talking, Wilhemina’s vision threatened to go spotty. Her heart was beating so hard she could feel it behind her ears. Her mind wanted to start screaming that it was a joke, that it was a bet, that it was all a lie, but this time Venable had been prepared for that, and so she ignored the thoughts. It must be a joke, though.

“Are you serious?” The words didn’t come in Wilhemina’s usual harsh tone; they were a genuine question.

Emma frowned. “About what? Being interested in you?” Venable nodded. Emma smiled softly. “I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” For many reasons Wilhemina wouldn’t dare explaining. So she shrugged. “I think you must be aware of the way everyone looks at you… you stop the room.” The concept of having all the eyes on her was utterly overwhelming. Venable couldn’t fathom that the eyes would be on her for a positive reason. Of course they look at me, I have a fucking cane. She set her jaw straight and sat up a little better.

“I… I don’t—“ Thankfully, Wilhemina was saved by the bell when the waiter approached them. This time, Venable quickly scanned the menu and ordered a ham and cheese croissant; Emma chose the Panini again. Politely, the waiter left. And Wilhemina quickly came up with a new subject so they could leave the whole uncomfortable conversation behind. It was already bad enough as it was. “How’s Dots?”

“Oh, he’s great.” Emma took another sip of the lemonade. “Yesterday we went for a walk after work and he carried a rock home.”

“No way,” Wilhemina chuckled. She was relieved her idea seemed to be working. “Purpura brings me her toys as gifts, sometimes. It’s sweet.” Her hand still absently played with the napkin.

“I can imagine.” Emma tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, and it reflected beautifully under the light of the window. Wilhemina was positive she had never seen hair so healthy. “I’m thinking about adopting another cat.” It worked.

“Oh?”

“There’s this shelter near my place, it’s where I got Dots from, and they have a new kitty that is the most adorable thing. She’s just a few months old, so tiny and so absolutely thin.” Emma reached for her phone and showed Wilhemina a picture. The cat was white in color and indeed, pretty malnourished.

“Poor thing,” Venable said softly. Slowly, she relaxed again.

“Right?” Emma leaned back against the booth. “I know they’re taking care of her, but I think I fell in love. I went to visit last week, donate some food, and they allowed me to pet her. She’s really affectionate, I think Dots would love her.”

“You should go for it.” The way Emma smiled while talking about the cat was, undeniably, adorable. Wilhemina couldn’t help but notice it. She’s sweet.

“You think?” Emma bit her lower lip. “I think I will. I hope Dots won’t get too jealous.”

“He’s that kind?” Wilhemina arched her eyebrows in a playful manner. She assumed so was Purpura, but she couldn’t really know—Purpura had never met another cat. And not many people frequented her house.

“Yes! Is Purpura?”

“I think so.” Venable chuckled. “I mean—she’s very demanding. She loves to cuddle and asks for pets all the time. Granted, I spoil her.”

“That’s so sweet.” Emma giggled. “I spoil Dots, too. He gets a lot of treats, and I’m sure if he didn’t enjoy walks so much, he’d be a little chubby.”

Wilhemina nodded with a hum. She took another sip of the lemonade. “I take care of Purpura’s weight for her health, but I confess I find chubby cats adorable.” I’m talking too much. It was dumb. She should have stayed quiet. But Emma gasped and laughed loudly, leaning closer to the table.

“Me too!” Emma whisper-yelled. “Dogs, too.”

Wilhemina bit her lower lip as she smiled. Emma was easy to talk to. “I find dogs adorable, but I don’t think I could ever own one.”

Emma reached for her glass. “Why so?” She took a sip.

“They’ve got too much energy.” I can’t really play to or walk a dog in the way it would need me to. Wilhemina decided not to say that last part out loud. She figured Emma would soon realize it.

“That’s true.” Emma set her glass aside once again. “Have you thought about a geriatric dog? There are loads of them in shelters, people always leave them behind.”

Emma seemed to know—or at least be interested—in shelters and animals. Wilhemina found it tender. “I had never considered that,” she said softly. A geriatric dog was a good idea, but she was a little scared of how Purpura would react to having to share the attention. Purpura was a strong cat, she could easily hurt an older, smaller dog. “I’ll think about it.”

“Let me know what you decide. I’d love to meet her or him if you do so.”

“I will.” Venable looked outside the window. People were hurrying once again. Everyone has their own life. Their own world. Their own problems. It made her feel less alone, somehow. She looked back to Emma after a minute, and her green eyes were still on her. Venable didn’t know what to say.

“Do you mind if I ask if your hair is natural?” She always has something to say. Wilhemina received that question a lot. “It’s such a beautiful color. Matches you perfectly.”

“Thank you. It is.” All her life, people assumed Wilhemina dyed it. She didn’t really have all the more classic redhead characteristics, but her hair for sure was reddish.

“It’s beautiful,” Emma repeated. “Is it from your mother or father’s side?”

Venable bit her lower lip. She didn’t know. She had never met her parents, nor got to know anything about them. Brown eyes fell down before forcefully looking back up. “My father’s,” she lied. Emma didn’t have to know everything so soon. Wilhemina wasn’t ready for that. “He was a typical redhead. My mother had brown hair.” That was how Venable had always imagined it, so was it really a lie?

“I can see that.” Can you, really? “I’m the only one in my close family with green eyes. It comes from my great-grandparents.”

“They’re beautiful,” Wilhemina commented.

“You think? Thank you.” Playfully, Emma blinked quickly a few times. She chuckled, and so did Venable. “I’m hoping my future kids will get it.”

Kids. Wilhemina had never wanted kids. She had seen firsthand how many there were, and producing more was definitely unnecessary. Plus, to be a mother you should have no doubts about it, and Venable found herself with many. No child’s life deserved to be doubted when it came to their wanting. “Have you always wanted kids?”

“I suppose. Have you?”

“Absolutely not.” Perhaps that was a strong way of responding, but it was an honest one. Emma arched her eyebrows. “I’ve never wanted kids.”

“Any specific reasons?”

Many. Wilhemina would have to answer that one. She hummed as she took a sip of the lemonade, formulating an answer. “I think it all comes down to the fact that if you’re not sure about it, you shouldn’t do it. Having kids is not reversible. No child should suffer because of an indecisive adult.” God knows how much she did. The subject was close to home.

“That’s a very valid point. I agree with you.”

Before Wilhemina could formulate another thought, their food arrived. The waiter carefully set everything down before, once again, politely walking away. The smell and steam that raised from the food was delicious just like the day before, causing her stomach to grumble. Venable was hoping she’d enjoy the croissant as much as she enjoyed the Panini. Reaching for the silverware, she took a first bite. Of course, it was amazing; the outside was crunchy and the inside was soft, the cheese was melted at the perfect temperature, and the ham tasted rich. She hummed. “Very good.”

“Everything here is delicious.” Emma took a first bite as well. “Did you try the Banoffee, after all?”

Oh, shit. Wilhemina had forgotten it inside her fridge. With everything that happened after work, dessert was the last thing in her mind. “Not yet.”

“I think you’ll like it.” Emma took another bite. Wilhemina nodded in agreement as she ate a little more, and crumbs fell down her chin and sweater. Her cheeks tinted.

“Oh—“ Quickly, Venable reached to clean herself with a napkin. Emma looked at her with a smile so big it reached her eyes. Is she making fun of me? “What?” She asked once she was done. “Are there any crumbs still?”

“No,” Emma shook her head, smile still on her lips. “You’re cute, that’s all.” Oh? What a weird concept. What a weird feeling. Should Venable thank her? I’m a grown woman, I shouldn’t be cute. But Emma’s words carried no malice in them. They were almost… nice. With cheeks still red, Wilhemina chuckled and got back to eating. Purpura was cute. A dog was cute. Not her. “What are you doing on Saturday?” The question was unexpected. Wilhemina hadn’t given her weekend much thought, mostly because she was probably just going to stay home with Purpura.

“Nothing. Why?”

“Would you like to go to the movies with me?”

Venable almost asked Emma to repeat her question, for the words were so foreign she feared she hadn’t heard her correctly. But Emma kept on staring at her with excited, slightly nervous green eyes. Wilhemina blinked once. Twice. And then she wetted her lips, for they had gone dry. She gulped. “On Saturday?”

“Saturday night,” Emma clarified as she ate. Was Wilhemina willing to spend ser Saturday night like that? I never do anything. It could be fun. Besides, she was used to going to the movies alone—not that she did that a lot. Venable nodded before she could change her mind. Emma’s eyes lit up. “Really?” Wilhemina nodded again. “It’s settled, then. I can pick you up at… say, seven?”

“That works for me.” Emma’s excitement was contagious. Discretely, Venable smiled to herself, reaching to take another bite.

“That’s exciting.” Emma nearly squealed.

With cheeks tinting, Venable chuckled. It was exciting, indeed. The last time she had done something like that she was nearly half her age. “I love the movies,” she said softly. The movies were dark, people minded their own business, no one cared for her cane. It was one of the only places she wasn’t judged.

“So it was a good suggestion, huh?”

“Yes.” Wilhemina took a final bite of her food.

“Good to know.” Emma reached to finish the drink on her glass, and Wilhemina thought it was best not to ask what she meant right now. Setting her plate aside, Venable reached for a napkin and gently wiped her lips clean. I need to retouch my lipstick. “What do you say we take a walk before going back to the office? There’s an ice cream shop near here.”

Wilhemina thought it was a little dumb to leave the bakery when they had ice cream in their menu as well, but she figured Emma had a preference for the other one. People at Billie Dean Howard & Co. seemed to know where the good food was at, and so she decided to just go along. Some fresh air would be great, too, and her back wasn’t on its worst days. “That’s fine by me.”

“Perfect.” Emma reached for her wallet, and Wilhemina remembered she hadn’t paid her back from lunch yesterday. Quickly, she reached for her own.

“Let me pay,” she said.

Emma shook her head and waved it off. “It’s my treat.”

“I owe you from yesterday,” Venable insisted.

“It’s alright, really.” Emma gestured for the waiter to bring them the check.

“Emma, truly.”

Emma shook her head and shot her a playful smirk. “It’s my treat,” she repeated. And that smirk caused Wilhemina to lose all the walls she was starting to build. She chuckled.

“I’m paying for the ice cream, then. And for the movies.” Wilhemina put her card back into her wallet. The waiter arrived, and Emma handed him her card before turning back to Venable.

“My date never pays.” Playfully, once again, Emma winked at her. But this time, the words weren’t so playful to Venable. A date. Wilhemina had understood what Emma meant when she invited her to the movies, but hearing it out loud was absolutely weird. A date. Have I ever been on a date before? Wilhemina had had a relationship some years ago, but she didn’t think she had ever been on a proper date. People are ashamed to be seen with me. At least in that way, they had always been. Is this why she’s taking me to the movies? Where no one can see? It was stupid to think about it. So why was she thinking about it? Brown eyes fell down, and Venable bit her inner cheek. The silence seemed to be too long, for Emma frowned and opened her mouth to speak only to be cut by the waiter. She thanked him, and when she turned back to Wilhemina, she was already getting up. Venable reached for her coat, and she decided that, this one time, she wouldn’t let her mind take things to the irrational place they always went to. Emma had just invited her for ice cream, in a public space, just like lunch had been. I’m being delusional. “Are you alright?” Emma’s soft words and a hand on her back cut Wilhemina’s spiraling thoughts.

Wilhemina turned back to look at Emma. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

Emma opened a smile. “It’s alright.”

It’s alright. Venable smiled a little. It was alright. “Should we get going?”

“Sure.” With her hand still on the small of Wilhemina’s back, Emma guided them outside. Venable’s body had gone rigid; having people touching her back for long periods of time was something that made her feel absolutely uncomfortable, even if it was the small of it. A welcoming touch from some people was alright, but not like Emma was doing. Besides, no one was allowed to come even near to the upper part of it, and Emma could easily slip her hand up at any moment. When the breeze hit their face outside, Venable took a step to the side and away from Emma’s grip; she seemed to get the hint, for she dropped her hand. A relieved sigh left Wilhemina’s lips. She took a deep breath. It was a little bit warmer today. “The ice cream is near the park,” Emma commented. “It’s quieter there, too.”

“Good.” Venable’s head didn’t deal very well with the loud sounds of the streets, and they were right on hush hour. People walked by and past them in quick and rushed steps, cars honked and people screamed at each other. I hope no one bumps on my cane. She had been used to walking on busy places, but the fear was always there. People were inconsiderate to others. They liked to either stare or pay no attention. Both were bad. Wilhemina’s palm began to sweat against the cane.

“It’s beautiful here when it’s not so busy.” Emma guided them through the crowd.

“I can imagine.” Wilhemina liked the city landscape. She had never been one with the nature. “It’s a beautiful place, just too crowded.”

“Exactly.” Emma guided them to a more secluded street, and the noise began to die down. Wilhemina could hear their heels clacking on the pavement now, along with her cane and the sound of her own breathing. Emma knew her way around here. “The park is to the left.” Venable nodded. “We can sit by the Sun, warm up a little.”

“Ice cream under the Sun. Sounds like Summer,” Venable commented mindlessly.

“It does,” Emma chuckled. “Do you like the Summer?”

“Not really… too hot, too uncomfortable.” Besides, Wilhemina was forced to show more of her body, and that was always unpleasant.

“You have a point.”

They turned to the left, and the park was right there in its not-so-bright notes of green. It was mostly empty, which was, needless to be said, amazing. “I had never been here.”

“It’s not a very known spot.” Even though Emma was correct, that wasn’t the reason of why Wilhemina hadn’t met it before. She simply didn’t see the fun of going to a park alone. Wilhemina hummed in agreement just because, and Emma guided them to one of the benches under the sunlight. Carefully, Venable sat down. Emma did the same, taking a deep breath as her eyes squinted due to the brightness. “This is good,” she hummed. Wilhemina nodded. She wanted to close her eyes and feel the Sun, but she didn’t feel comfortable to just let loose in a public space. The warmth slid through her body and warmed her insides, cold hands growing hot. It felt so good to just sit under the sunlight, but still Venable barely ever did it. Carefully letting her cane go, Wilhemina turned her palms up to the Sun and rested her hands on her lap, legs crossed. The sound of the wind fumbling the trees nearly caused the city noises to go away, leaving them in the distance. Brown eyes looked over to the small pond, watching as the ducks swam and bathed in the sunlight as well. It was funny, how mostly every creature adored the Sun. Purpura is probably laying on my bed, now. Because of the window, Wilhemina’s bed was at the correct spot to be warmed up. Venable’s mind wandered to Purpura and to how she was probably enjoying the warmth, with her legs and paws well sprawled. Adorable. Her thoughts, however, were cut when a—considerably warmer—hand rested on one of hers. The fingers tangled themselves with Wilhemina’s, and she looked down to see Emma holding her hand. She gulped. Chocolate turned caramel eyes slowly lifted up to Emma’s, and Emma offered her a sweet smile. “Is that okay?” Is that? Venable’s hand was still stiff in place, fingers not tangling back but also not pushing Emma’s away. I had never realized her nails were painted red. Wilhemina’s mind was suddenly all over the place. And although weird, the act wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. After a second, she nodded at the question. Emma’s thumb now caressed her hand slowly, and she had leaned back against the bench and closed her eyes. Venable’s heart pounded in her chest. With uncertain movements, she wrapped her fingers back with Emma’s and looked down at their hands again. Weird. But she had to admit it was nice. It felt nice. And so Wilhemina’s cheeks turned crimson from either the Sun or her feelings—she couldn’t really tell. And she didn’t really want to know. I’m holding hands in the park. A woman in her forties was having an experience that was so banal, but still so foreign. Biting her lower lip, Venable’s lips curled up into a small smile. The silence between them was pleasant, and it lasted for a few more minutes before Emma sat up a little better, hand still tangled in Wilhemina’s, and looked at her. “Ice cream?”

“Yes.” Wilhemina let Emma’s hand go so she could safely get up, and as soon as she did so, Emma already grabbed it back. It was unexpected to Venable, and it caused her chest to flutter slightly. She really does want me around. What a foreign feeling. Hand in hand, they walked to the ice cream kiosk Emma had talked about and, once they had gotten their food and Wilhemina had successfully paid, they got back to the bench. Carefully, Venable took a first spoonful of the creme scoop she had ordered. It contrasted nicely with the warmth of her body. “Really good…”

Emma nodded and took a spoonful as well. “Do you want to try mine? It’s chocolate.” Even though Venable was curious about the flavor, she just didn’t feel comfortable sharing food with Emma like that. She shook her head.

“Thank you.” Wilhemina took another spoonful, eyes on the pond again. From the corner of her eye, Emma watched her.

“Do you like ducks?”

“Huh?” Venable turned back at her.

“Do you like ducks?” Emma repeated.

She has weird questions, sometimes. Even though Venable knew it was probably to make up for her own quiet ways, some of the questions were still odd. “They can be cute.”

“We can feed them sometime, if you want to.” Emma took another spoonful.

“Okay,” Venable nodded. After another second of silence, Emma let out a chuckle. Wilhemina looked at her again. “What?”

“I wonder what goes inside your mind,” Emma said softly. “You get quiet, seem to be constantly thinking.”

And constantly thinking Wilhemina was. She absolutely despised it. If only she knew. It was too soon. “I’m just a quiet person, that’s all.”

“Have you always been like that?” Emma’s tone was soft and genuine, but Wilhemina wasn’t sure she appreciated the question. She doesn’t mean bad. Her walls were starting to show up again.

“Yes.”

Emma hummed as she ate a little more. “I was such a talkative child. Classic social butterfly.” Venable could definitely see Emma like that. In a way, she envied how absolutely well-adjusted the woman was. When Wilhemina was a child, she couldn’t be like that. It’s not her fault my parents left me to die. Venable’s head was getting into a place she didn’t enjoy, but often went to. She gulped and sat up a little better, chin high and posture perfect.

“Where did you study?” Not that Wilhemina really wanted to know, but that was a way of getting the conversation away from herself.

“Canyon Elementary and Westlake High in my teenage years.” Emma smiled brightly. “Gosh, those were the best years. I was a cheerleader.” The information nearly caused Venable to twist her face in pain. Cheerleaders were definitely not a good memory. It suits her body though, even if it’s been years. Granted, Emma seemed younger than Wilhemina. “Oh, I miss it so much. I have so many memories and stories from high school.” Venable hummed and quietly ate her ice cream. People who enjoyed high school actually existed? Two sides of the same coin. Wilhemina did nothing but work, study, and get bullied. “I still talk to my friends from there.”

“That’s nice.” Or at least, the concept was.

Emma nodded enthusiastically. She finished her ice cream and checked the hour on her phone. “Shit, we should get going. You’ll have to tell me about your school years on Saturday.” Playfully, she winked. Wilhemina would have chuckled hadn’t she been in such a dark path in memory land.

“Maybe.” Venable finished her ice cream as well. We would have never even talked if we went to the same school. She got up and reached for Emma’s empty container. “I’ll put those in the trash and be right back.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Emma sat back on the bench with a smile.

Venable allowed the corners of her lips to turn up before she walked to the trashcan. The wind was nice against her hair, and it helped her heart to calm down. It wasn’t Emma’s fault she was well adjusted, and she hadn’t demonstrated an ounce of rudeness to Wilhemina so far—it was quite the opposite. It’s not fair I blame my life on her. It wasn’t only not fair, as it was also absolutely stupid. Her therapist had said she used that as a coping mechanism to push whatever nice things came her way away. She had to learn to stop doing that. Once she put the containers in the trash, Venable took a deep breath and walked back to Emma. “Ready?” Her tone was considerably softer now.

“Yes.” Emma got up and instantly reached for her hand again. Wilhemina wasn’t expecting it, but she forced herself to allow it. And so, they made their way back to the office. Hand in hand, in public, in a situation Venable had never been before.

#ahs #ahs fanfiction #ahs fanfic #ahs murder house #ahs apocalypse #ahs hotel #american horror story #wilhemina venable #billie dean howard #rabexxpaulson #lesbian fanfiction #lesbian fanfic #lesbian story #billie dean howard x wilhemina venable #willhemina venable #would you swallow all your pride #lesbian

25 notes · View notes

pillow-anime-talk · 4 years ago

Text

mistletoe. {pt.2}

synopsis: Killing cursed spirits with Satoru, winter prom with Metori and sincere conversation with Juuzou.

# tags: scenarios; christmas!au; current relationships & crush culture; romance; fluff; a bit of angst; sfw

includes: female reader ft. satoru gojou {jjk} + metori saiko {saiki k. no psi nan} + juuzou suzuya {tokyo ghoul}

part one {click}

— SATORU

“... Y/N-chan, on the left!”

“... Hey, hey! Look up, sweetheart!”

“... Oi! Behind you!”

“... Behind you too! Kick their asses, Satoru~!”

“... YEAH! Here’s my super strong girl!”

You two have been in the forest; for over twenty minutes you dealing with killing smaller or larger curses that frightened mushroom pickers or wild animals. You had a lot of fun doing it, all the time competing to see who killed more evil creatures. Of course, your boyfriend was winning so far, by three, but how could you know that some of them would come out of the forest litter, literally letting the white-haired man kill them all in a few seconds? Well, but at least you killed about twelve curses yourself, and that was a really nice result.

On the one hand, you enjoyed spending time with Gojou like that, because it was very rare for the two of you to be together on a mission, but on the other hand... It was the time of Christmas that you wanted to spend in your own home, surrounded by delicious food and desserts, hot wine or beer, loved ones, including your boyfriend’s cute students or your mutual friends. From a long time, that is, from the moment you became a sorcerer, you didn’t spend any holidays, birthdays or anniversaries as you would like. There was simply no time and energy for it because every day, apart from some Sundays, you worked to make life better for vulnerable people. It wasn’t a bad job, but sometimes... when you looking at ‘normal’ couples you envied their ignorance to the fact that some evil had appeared around them. You envied them that they could spend their free time together doing stupid things or relaxing in front of the TV.

So you sighed softly, raising the hand in which you held the small pocket knife. Small as your anti-curse tool was, it was also extremely effective and dangerous. Therefore, you cut the throat of one of the evil souls without any problems, thus defeating the last enemy.

“Ahhhh. Finally...! You’re not hurt, baby?” The young man said in a cheerful voice, and you shook your head in disapproval. Second later, you cleaned the little knife and then, hid it in one of the pockets of your black pants. “Would you like to get some hot chocolate and cake?”

“Huh? Have we finished all our work for today?” You asked in surprise, and the man just bit his lip with joy, putting his finger to his mouth after a while.

“Yes, although you forgot one thing, love.” You raised an eyebrow at his amused words. However, Satoru quickly got rid of your unawareness as soon as he raised his right hand and pointed at something above with his index finger. For a moment you were sure that he meant a curse that hadn’t been killed before, but as it turned out, it was mistletoe growing on one of the tall trees; you were surprised that during the fight he was able to additionally notice a small, green plant. Anyway, you just chuckled lightly as you stood on your tiptoes and tugged at the twenty-eight-year-old by his jacket.

You were happy that at least this one, very sweet Christmas moment could happen to you during the winter season. Thanks to this, these holidays weren’t so bad and devoid of spirit.

— METORI

Every year there was a winter prom at your school; it was the third time for you, while for Saiko, who only joined your class this year, it was something new. Of course, he was skeptical about it from the start and generally discouraged by the very idea of spending time with all PK Academy students, classmates and teachers. That’s why he immediately told you that if you want to go to the prom, he can arrange whatever prom you want; he literally said if you wanted Beyoncé he could call her.

But you just smiled warmly and said that school party is enough for you and you really like it. So he couldn’t refuse you... after all, the gray-haired young boy had a huge, indescribable weakness for you. Plus, even though you’ve been dating for a few weeks, Metori still couldn’t understand how... gentle and simple you were. You weren’t interested in luxury, his money, where his father worked. Instead, you asked every day if he had breakfast, if he would like to go for a walk with you, if he would like to come to you for dinner because your mother cooked a delicious Mexican dish. It was something new and nice for a teenager who had grown up in prosperity and splendor throughout his life. It didn’t bother him, but the prom... it was quite strange and mysterious. But he agreed, so he couldn’t take his words back because he didn’t want you to get sad or disappointed.

Thus, he bought a new, well-fitting and expensive suit – one that would fit perfectly with your delicate dress, which at the same time matches to the color of your shiny eyes. He also paid for new shoes, a watch, and a hairdresser visit, but even that couldn’t compare to your soft, natural blushes and the sweet facial expression you gave him when he came to your house with his butler.

“... You’re stressed?” You asked quietly as you sat in the car and he squeezed your little hand between his much larger ones.

“I’ve just never been at a prom... public... especially at school.” He muttered, and though he turned his head, you could see a hint of blush on his nose and both cheeks. So you chuckled lightly as you cuddled up against his shoulder.

“I’m pretty sure you’ll like it.”

The school hasn’t changed much; only a few holiday decorations have been added here and there. However, the gymnasium took your breath away because it was magically decorated. But before you had time to take your seats on the other side of the door, your physical education teacher stopped the two of you.

“Couples enter after payment.” Mr. Matsuzaki said, and the Santa Claus hat on his head added to the charm of his muscular figure.

Of course, Saiko was already taking out his wallet, but you quickly stopped it, pointing in a specific direction. It was, obviously, the smol mistletoe, which was the aforementioned entry ticket for couples who decided to show up at the ball together. So you smiled slightly at your boyfriend and he looked at you confused.

“What is it?”

“O-Oh, you never kissed under the mistletoe?”

“Kissing under it has any meaning?” He asked, still surprised, and you just moved closer to his face, stealing a short, really sweet kiss.

“It’s a tradition, love. You have to kiss under every mistletoe if you notice one.” You said happily and then thanked the teacher for going inside the gym.

Of course, Metori in his head was already calculating how many tons of mistletoe he should buy so that you could continue kissing him as sweetly as you just did.

— JUUZOU

You put two cups of hot, beautifully fragrant chocolate on the table; one was with two white marshmallows and the other with six. Of course, it was easy to guess which portion was for Juuzou and which was for you. Nevertheless, you smiled gently and then sat down next to the white-haired boy, staring at him out of the corner of your eye.

“... About what did you dream, Juuzou-kun?” You asked softly, taking the purple cup between both hands. The warm ceramics pleasantly burned your all fingers, which made you breathe blissfully. “Of course, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to tell me. We can just sit in silence and drink our sweet cocoa.” You added after a brief second so as not to put unnecessary pressure or general stress on the nineteen-year-old.

“It’s no big deal. I dreamed about my mom.” He admitted hesitantly, also taking his dark-green mug. “When I woke up and looked at the calendar I realized we had Christmas time and... Well, my mom never gave me any, not even a small gift, nor did I ever spend that time like other children my age. It hit me a bit. Not that I regret it, but... what Christmas really is?” His short speech made you look at him with a very sad expression on your face and after a quick while you just put your warm chocolate on the table, getting up from your wooden chair and walking to a random cupboard in your smol kitchen.

This year you didn’t have time (because of work) and no idea (because of fatigue) for presents for loved ones, and even more so for the unexpected guest – Suzuya, who loved to sleep in your house because, as he once said, ‘He felt at your place very safe’, but you managed to come up with a little surprise fastly; you wrapped a red ribbon that was in the cupboard with needles and scissors around an unopened box of nut cookies. You also managed to find a piece of paper and a black pen, so you wrote a concise but sincere wishes to the inspector, which ended with a tiny heart and a star. Out of the corner of your eye, you also noticed the mistletoe lying next to the clock, which was a little joke your dear friend had made to you two days ago. So you took everything and went back to the quietly sitting Juuzou, smiling slightly at him, even a bit silly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think about gifts before, but... I hope that’s enough. After today’s work, we can go to the gallery or the park to see the decorated Christmas trees, you will surely like them. Happy Holidays, Juuzou. I hope next year will be a good one for you.” You said shyly as you handed him ribbon-decorated cookies. At the sight of them, the boy only blushed, then looked at your other hand, which was still gripping a little twig. “Ohh... it’s... such a small tradition where you get a kiss under the mistletoe.” You picked up the plant and then placed it over the white-haired young man’s head, bending down after a while and giving him a short peck on the left, smooth cheek. “Merry Christmas once again.”

“Merry Christmas to you too and... thank you for that.”

You only smirked, reaching for the mug of already cool drink. However, you weren’t disappointed in drinking the cold cocoa, because the honest, slightly timid smile of the boy you liked from the beginning of your work at CCG warmed your whole body better than any other hot chocolate, tea or coffee.

359 notes · View notes

barbenheimer-core · 3 years ago

Text

AUDERE EST FACERE !

하나. chanel : part two — 1.7k words

TURN.

The lights in the shop lowered in their intensity, and Ahyeong gasped, drawing in heavy breaths of air as her limbs finally moved of her own accord, bending low to clutch her knees and balance herself when she slightly stumbled.

"Are you okay?" Wangja the Shop Owner asked, concerned about the sudden change in demeanor.

"I,"— Ahyeong found herself at a loss for words, what was happening to her?— "I don't know."

An abnormal lucid dream, she thought, that was what she was experiencing. One in which she was aware of her made-up fantasy world but couldn't control her speech and actions at times.

It was like the dream itself had a script of its own.

Huh. Maybe that was it. She just had to follow the script.

"Umm... I think I should get going," she mumbled, hoping her hunch was right.

Wangja looked a bit disappointed that he couldn't carry on the conversation, but nodded in agreement. The sleek black car outside that he had spotted while coming in was probably her driver waiting on her.

Suho was still coughing on their way out, and upon the two shooting concerned looks at him he merely ignored them, gaining his composure and zooming past them and into the dimly lit night in his mildly flustered state.

As Ahyeong stepped into the cold night air, she saw her family's personal car, finding Driver Kwon sitting in front of the wheel through the tinted windows.

Her family and acquaintances must be the same as before then.

"Well, do come by often," Wangja said, handing her the copy of Shiver that she had been sifting through previously, and when Ahyeong looked at him confusedly, he winked, "as an insurance that you do visit, I'm letting you borrow it. Remember, the shop's policy only lets you borrow items for two weeks. Any more and you'll have to compensate."

The girl tucked the comic under her elbow, amused at his antics as if she'd known him for a long time, and said without thinking, "Does ramyeon work as compensation?"

The shop owner grinned, "Aye, you know me so well. Now go. Your driver is giving me the creeps with his glare."

Ahyeong chuckled at that. Driver Kwon was rather overprotective over the Song siblings and got suspicious of anyone who got within six feet of them, even the people the two kids had explicitly stated were their friends.

Bidding Wangja goodbye, Ahyeong slipped into the leather seats of the car, fastening the seatbelt around herself as was the clearly stated rule by the person in front of her who turned the key as soon as she got in, revving the engine before taking off into the night and to, presumably, her home.

Ahyeong paused at the front door, looking at the front lawn with puzzled eyes.

Why did it look even more extravagant than it was on a usual day?

The flowers were in full bloom despite spring having passed months ago, the garden lights were still switched on, illuminating the finely-trimmed shrubs and foliage, and the cars were displayed out in the open instead of being in the garage.

It was as if someone was trying to make a drawing of a picturesque rich household, perfect in every aspect with next to no flaws in its design.

The mahogany doors opened abruptly, halting her thoughts, and the housemaid, Eunjung, hurriedly ushered her in, putting slippers in front of the girl's feet as she toed her shoes off.

"Why were you out so late? It's past curfew. Thank goodness Mrs. Song hasn't returned from work yet, or you would've been in trouble," she fussed.

Trouble with her mother? That was odd. That never happened because Ahyeong usually informed Eunjung of where she was going, and her mother didn't really mind if she was out past curfew as long as she had alerted someone of coming in late.

"I'll prepare your dinner while you wash up. Do you want to eat at the table or should I bring it to your room upstairs?"

"My room, if it's not too much trouble."

Eunjung waved her hands, dismissing her, and scurried off to the kitchen while Ahyeong headed up the stairs to the West Wing of the house where her bedroom resided.

Contrary to what she thought, her room had not been what she expected.

It was littered with cardboard boxes and suitcases, most of them unpacked and organized but there still being enough to do that the floor looked messy.

Ahyeong remembered her involuntary words back at Prince Comics.

So her family moved to Seoul in this dream?

From where though? She's never lived anywhere else other than this city.

Oh well, too bad. There was no use dwelling on it. Her dream would end as soon as she would go to sleep and wake up anyway.

But her nagging mind urged her to clean her room up, and despite knowing that her efforts may be in vain she obliged, and by the end of the hour, her room looked just as it had been in real life.

Setting her towel by the bathroom rack to dry, Ahyeong sat down in front of her desk in her pajamas, where the maid had spread out a variety of steaming dishes on fine china while she had been tidying up.

Leave it to Eunjung to make mouth-watering food for any time of the day.

Just as she raised her spoon to eat the seaweed soup, her door swung open.

Gilyeong stood by the threshold, racing to her and shoving his phone in her face, a rather horrible picture of a mangled body on its screen.

"What the-" Ahyeong dropped her utensils with a clang, pushing the device away from her face with a disgusted expression and glaring at her brother, who giggled mischievously, "I'm trying to eat, you gremlin. Don't make me lose my appetite."

"It's payback for the time you showed me a clip of a gutted person when I was trying to eat pat-bingsu. Now get a taste of your own medicine, grinch," Gilyeong laughed evilly, shoving his phone into Ahyeong's eyesight as she tried to stop him from ruining her eyes in front of her food.

Even in dreams, her brother was as nasty as they came.

"You evil little-" Ahyeong wrestled the phone out of his hands, making the younger Song frown and whine at her to give it back to him, and got an idea as she glanced at the shelf on top of her desk.

"If you promise to behave yourself this week, I'll let you borrow that," she said, pointing at the Junji Ito comic that Wangja had let her borrow.

Gilyeong looked up, and his eyes glimmered in anticipation as he jumped up to grab it from the shelf.

"Woah, where did you get this from?" He exclaimed as he started to peruse the pages, "It was out of stock in every bookstore I dragged you to."

"I got it from a hippie who starred in a drama," she smirked at her brother's puzzled face , "so, do we have a deal?"

She raised her hands as she said so.

Her brother looked up at her suspiciously, eyes narrowed in contemplation, then nodded briefly, "deal."

He raised his palms, meeting Ahyeong's halfway as they did their Handshake of Temporary Truce.

Yes, they had different handshakes for a whole list of situations.

"But you still have to pay up for your flinches from yesterday and now," he drawled while walking out of her room.

Wait, yesterday?

"What do you mean the flinch from yesterday?"

Gilyeong stopped midway and turned around, confused.

"Don't tell me you've been getting amnesia too. We were at the restaurant yesterday with Mum and Dad's investors, remember?"

With that ominous comment, he stepped out, shutting the door behind him.

Sunlight peeked through the half-open blinds, beaming on Ahyeong's face as she woke up and looked around her room, same as ever.

What a crazy dream.

She remembered it as clear as day.

But it was over and done with, and she was in reality now.

For a moment she pondered how she had gotten into her bed, but then trashed the thought. One of her parents had probably carried her here when she had fallen into a deep sleep in the lobby of the restaurant.

She got up, picking up her phone to look at the day and time.

It was around 8 on a Sunday morning, and Ahyeong yawned, kicking off her blanket to freshen up. She woke up too early for a weekend.

Deciding to explore the city for the day, she changed into a button-up and denim trousers, picking up a set of Doc Martens on her way out for breakfast.

"What's new this mornin', gremlin," she greeted Gilyeong while running down the stairs, who sat by the couch reading something, its cover blocked out of her eyesight.

She slightly tripped on the last two steps and hit her knee on the railing, hissing in pain and lightly hopping towards the dining table.

"Good morning, Eunjung-ssi," Ahyeong smiled through her discomfort at the maid, in complete contrast to the way she greeted her brother, and he scowled at her from his spot but didn't say anything.

Eunjung rolled her eyes in good nature at the sibling's antics, all too used to it, "Good morning to you too."

She set down two servings of rice, soup, and a variety of side dishes for breakfast, and the siblings came to sit at the dining table.

As Ahyeong scooped up a spoonful of rice, she saw Gilyeong putting down his book, finally spotting its cover.

She paused.

"Hey, dongsaeng, how did you get that?" She said as she pointed at the copy of Shiver.

The young Song stopped eating, pointing a fake grin at her.

"From the grinch who got it from a hippie who starred in a drama."

This was not a dream.

masterlist

#true beauty #cha eunwoo #hwang inyeop #moon gayoung #lee suho #han seojun #im jugyeong #kang sujin #extraordinary you #lee suho x reader #lee suho x oc #korean drama #kdrama fanfic #kdrama imagine #kdrama scenarios #webtoon

58 notes · View notes

swatheford · 3 years ago

Text

porcupine

(swatheford short #5) i didn’t know what to title this so porcupine will have to suffice. the santiago family is back! it’s always so much fun to write for them! here’s a little preview as to what santiago was like as a kid; spoiler alert: not much has changed. if you look closely, there’s a few hints for chapter 4 littered in here! there’s a version for cas followed by cass! anyways, here’s the birthday short and happy birthday, santiago! hope y’all enjoy!

Cas

"Mama?" Cas asks, deep in thought. In front of him were a few presents tucked away on top of the bookshelf, purposefully. If it were any lower, he would've opened them by now.

"Yes?" Isabela responds, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel.

"Can you please tell me what you got me?" He pleads, eyeing the green wrapping paper.

“No.” “Is it a racecar?” He pushes for an answer. “No.”

Cas gasps, “It’s a porcupine!” Isabela tilts her head, “Mijo, how many times do I have to tell you. We’re not getting a porcupine.” “I’ll take care of it, I promise!” He smiles, still hopeful.

"We don't have space for a porcupine."

"We can use Seb and Ana's room!" Being seven years older, Cas took it upon himself to tease his baby brother and sister. Luckily for him, they couldn't defend themselves.

"Then where will your siblings sleep?"

"I dunno, the couch." Isabela circles to Cas, lightly pinching his cheek. Sebastian turns from his toy blocks at the sound of his name with confusion and Ana takes the opportunity to steal a block from his grasp. The baby begins to wail while his twin sister resumes, unbothered.

Isabela took Sebastian into her arms to soothe him while giving her eldest child the dangerous look only a parent could give.

"Cas, be nice."

"What about a hedgehog? Those are smaller!"

"We can't have pets. You know we're too busy right now."

"What about next year?"

"We'll see." That seemed to do the trick. Cas smiled and began to jump in glee. "Now, go get ready."

Cas practically skips and makes his way back to his room singing, “It’s my birthday!” over and over again in every key imaginable.

Javier closes the back door behind him and laughs at the sight of his son. “I take it he’s excited?”

"Just a little bit," Isabela grins while placing Seb back on the carpet.

"Imagine his face when he figures out we actually got him a porcupine."

"YOU DID?" He shrieks from the staircase, peeking past the wall.

"Ha! Caught you," Javier points with triumph. He knew his son all too well. "Your friends should be here in an hour, make sure you clean your room too."

Cas frowns and defeatedly climbs the stairs.

After several intense rounds of hide and seek tag, pin the tail on the tiger, and heads up seven up, it was finally time to blow out the candles.

Colorful party hats were passed around and Cas took his place behind the porcupine shaped cake littered with 9 candles. He made sure that everyone knew he helped frost the cake. Good thing it was quite obvious from the uneven lines and cartoon eyes.

"So bad news," Javier starts. "Abuela has been busy with teaching and she wasn't able to visit." He looks back to Isabela who takes the cue to retrieve something from the kitchen.

"When can we see her?"

"She's visiting us at the end of the month. That's the soonest the portal opens up."

"But that's far away," Cas pouts. "Why didn't we see her last time?"

"She has a lot to do, mijo. She's training so many others, just like you." Cas nods in solemn understanding.

"Hopefully this can cheer you up," Isabela suggests. She held a small dish in her hand which held...

"Flan!" His mood whipped around at the sight of one of his favorite desserts.

"I know it's not the same as Abuela's-"

"Does this mean everyone has to sing happy birthday to me twice?"

Javier looks around at the crowd, "I guess it does."

Two times turned into 9, per request of Cas. "One song for each year!" he insisted. After cake, it was time for Cas' second favorite event- opening presents

Most of them were new toys and art kits with a few fun shirts in the mix as well. Next up was his parents' present. He grasped the box gently in case there was indeed a live animal in it. Tearing apart the green wrapping paper, Cas lifted the lid to find a helmet.

"What? But I don't have a bike- oh!" A shiny new bike was propped against the brick wall, a fancy ribbon laid upon the black basket in the front.

Cas ran to the bike and rung the bell with a contagious laugh. "Thank you, Mama and Papa! I love it!" His parents pressed a kiss to his forehead; they would've kissed his head but his hair was gelled in spikes to match his favorite animal.

"There's still one more present." Javier pushed the gift bag in his reach.

"'Dear Cas, Happy Birthday! Thank you for being the bestest friend in the whole wide world! From MC.'" He reads and looks up to see his best friend smiling at him, waiting for him to see the gift. Peeling away tissue paper, he grasps a large porcupine plush.

"This is awesome!" He stares at the porcupine in awe, before placing his prized possession in the basket of the bike. "Me and Prickly are going to have so much fun together!"

"Prickly?" Isabela snickers.

"Hey, don't forget about me!" MC warns.

"How could I forget my co-captain?" Cas laughs as MC lightly punches his arm.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Cass

"Mama?" Cass asks, deep in thought. In front of her were a few presents tucked away on top of the bookshelf, purposefully. If it were any lower, she would've opened them by now.

"Yes?" Isabela responds, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel.

"Can you please tell me what you got me?" She pleads, eyeing the green wrapping paper.

“No.” “Is it a racecar?” She pushes for an answer. “No.”

Cass gasps, “It’s a porcupine!” Isabela tilts her head, “Mija, how many times do I have to tell you. We’re not getting a porcupine.” “I’ll take care of it, I promise!” She smiles, still hopeful.

"We don't have space for a porcupine."

"We can use Seb and Ana's room!" Being seven years older, Cass took it upon herself to tease her baby brother and sister. Luckily for her, they couldn't defend themselves.

"Then where will your siblings sleep?"

"I dunno, the couch." Isabela circles to Cass, lightly pinching her cheek. Sebastian turns from his toy blocks at the sound of his name with confusion and Ana takes the opportunity to steal a block from his grasp. The baby begins to wail while his twin sister resumes, unbothered.

Isabela took Sebastian into her arms to soothe him while giving her eldest child the dangerous look only a parent could give.

"Cass, be nice."

"What about a hedgehog? Those are smaller!"

"We can't have pets. You know we're too busy right now."

"What about next year?"

"We'll see." That seemed to do the trick. Cass smiled and began to jump in glee. "Now, go get ready."

Cass practically skips and makes her way back to her room singing, “It’s my birthday!” over and over again in every key imaginable.

Javier closes the back door behind him and laughs at the sight of his daughter. “I take it she’s excited?”

"Just a little bit," Isabela grins while placing Seb back on the carpet.

"Imagine her face when she figures out we actually got her a porcupine."

"YOU DID?" She shrieks from the staircase, peeking past the wall.

"Ha! Caught you," Javier points with triumph. He knew his daughter all too well. "Your friends should be here in an hour, make sure you clean your room too."

Cass frowns and defeatedly climbs the stairs.

After several intense rounds of hide and seek tag, pin the tail on the tiger, and heads up seven up, it was finally time to blow out the candles.

Colorful party hats were passed around and Cass took her place behind the porcupine shaped cake littered with 9 candles. She made sure that everyone knew she helped frost the cake. Good thing it was quite obvious from the uneven lines and cartoon eyes.

"So bad news," Javier starts. "Abuela has been busy with teaching and she wasn't able to visit." He looks back to Isabela who takes the cue to retrieve something from the kitchen.

"When can we see her?"

"She's visiting us at the end of the month. That's the soonest the portal opens up."

"But that's far away," Cass pouts. "Why didn't we see her last time?"

"She has a lot to do, mija. She's training so many others, just like you." Cass nods in solemn understanding.

"Hopefully this can cheer you up," Isabela suggests. She held a small dish in her hand which held...

"Flan!" Her mood whipped around at the sight of one of her favorite desserts.

"I know it's not the same as Abuela's-"

"Does this mean everyone has to sing happy birthday to me twice?"

Javier looks around at the crowd, "I guess it does."

Two times turned into nine, per request of Cass. "One song for each year!" she insisted. After cake, it was time for Cass' second favorite event- opening presents.

Most of them were new toys and art kits with a few fun shirts in the mix. Next up was her parents' present. She grasped the box gently in case there was indeed a live animal in it. Tearing apart the green wrapping paper, Cass lifted the lid to find a helmet.

"What? But I don't have a bike- oh!" A shiny new bike was propped against the brick wall, a fancy ribbon laid upon the black basket in the front.

Cass ran to the bike and rung the bell with a contagious laugh. "Thank you, Mama and Papa! I love it!" Her parents pressed a kiss to her head; they would’ve kissed her forehead but her favorite animal was painted upon her face.

"There's still one more present." Javier pushed the gift bag in her reach.

"'Dear Cass, Happy Birthday! Thank you for being the bestest friend in the whole wide world! From MC.'" She reads and looks up to see her best friend smiling at her, waiting for her to see the gift. Peeling away tissue paper, she grasps a large porcupine plush.

"This is awesome!" She stares at the porcupine in awe, before placing her prized possession in the basket of the bike. "Me and Prickly are going to have so much fun together!"

"Prickly?" Isabela snickers.

"Hey, don't forget about me!" MC warns.

"How could I forget my co-captain?" Cass laughs as MC lightly punches her arm.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

i hope y’all enjoyed the short, i had a lot of fun writing it! let me know what y’all think, thanks for reading! :)

#swatheford shorts #cas santiago #cass santiago #secrets of swatheford #stf #santiago's birthday extravaganza '21

47 notes · View notes