#anxiety: YOU WERE FAKING
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Some more things,,,, !! 💖🦩🙏(mostly friends yet again)
(The Noise and Peppino one was based off of an irl moment)
#important but i drew the noisette and fake peppino outfit on the first image again bc of that one fanart bro#it made me sooooo happy i needed to draw them again bc of it#and the BRICKS and fake peppinos as well were due to an anon telling me they wanted more of them.... and they were so nice...#i literally love yall and im sorry to not reply to all the inbox words but i read and appreciate all of your words so dearly#anxiety bad but i really care about how kind you all are to me and my silly works!!
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but i'm not supposed to scratch
#undescribed#bonk.png#uninhabited planet survive#mujin wakusei survive#HOOO BOY this is extremely self indulgent bc i like fake episodes n storylines for things n sharla is my second fav of the bunch#before i forgot caption is a line from love me more by mitski n the dialogue is taken straight from wakaba's elevator scene in utena#just altered for the characters' genders obv back to yapping all the pieces were in place for sharla to have a jealousy subplot like in the#second half of the show (after adam is introduced basically) sharla n luna dont as much focus together with the secondary character to luna#shifting to kaoru bc of being more involved in directdanger all the time n sharla not being good at that stuff is relegated to the sidelines#which is something shes insecure about!! shes not as good at survival action as everyone else n doesnt have anything skills unique to her#she LITERALLY stops taking her rations of water so the others can have more bc she feels like she doesnt matter as much as the others!!#shes fairytale girl sharla which is good for morale (esp luna's) but not particularly helpful when theyve gone a few days with no food#she also is implied to have no proper friends before meeting luna in the first episode (at which point they immediately become ride or die)#with her only sort of friend being a girl she hung out with despite her being bullied n excluded who then left her for the bullies#n episode 17 is about her wanting luna to be able to rely on her with them sharing eachother's history of loneliness#the show also has a emphasis on their circumstances escalating emotions n causing them to lash out at eachother theres a episode right b4#the winter arc where howard is jealous n lashes out bc hes used to being the center of attention but no on on the island really likes himdue#to him being a brat so he soaks up adam's attention like a sponge n freaks out when adam starts favoring menori#which is understandble n somewhat easy to digest n process but you know who has a more prominent history of loneliness n abandonment who is#also prone to insecurity n thrives on someone's affection? sharla n i set this fake story line during the space criminals arc bc it doesnt#really have a lot of character work n takes place right after the winter arc with both having the characters stuck inside for most of it bc#of more direct serious danger n sharla along with chako n shingo would be stuck inside the most BUT with the criminals arc chako n shingo#are actively doing something theyre contributing but all sharla can do is watch adam while luna her bestie luna is out dealing with people#literally hunting them with kaoru who is notably better than everyone else at the whole survival action thing has become closer to lunasince#the winter arc n from what sharla has seen has no flaws or weaknesses theres specific reasons as to why i dont think her negative feelings#would be focused on the others bc for varying reasons she wouldnt feel they threaten her relationship with luna (the rationalization for#bell not being viewed as a possible threat is interesting to me bc of the similarities between him n sharla both of them bonding early on n#her being implied to have a crush on him while he explicitly has a crush on luna but thats not what we're talking about rn)#but none of those reasons really apply to kaoru n she has the reason of Him Saying He Killed Someone to feel more justified in directing#all her stress about their situation n the anxiety crawling up her throat about luna potentially choosing someone else over her onto him
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internalised ableism is a hell of a drug. I feel guilty and like a faker every time I search online for eds resources to help me with my chronic pain.
like bitch I am literally hypermobile. I am looking for help with my hypermobility. I'm not chasing stolen valour here, brain. and fretting over whether I've mandela effected myself wrt how knees normally work won't magically make my shoulder stop spraining itself when I'm at the computer. so maybe let's just chill and work on pain management, yeah?
#earthdeep does life#fr tho I've had so much anxiety over somehow faking my illnesses lately and idk why#'waaaaah I'm not instantly in top condition a week after my b12 jab I must've never been sick' mate u were depressed for YEARS before this#what are you ON
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huh... the way my parents showed me the world worked was really kind of fucked up, it's no fucking wonder i have an anxiety disorder frankly.
#this post brought to you by#i voted today#and it's really weird to vote in not just a state but a whole area where voter suppression isn't like just low-key constantly happening#and also knowing now it wasn't targeted at my family but my family always talked about it like it was#because hilariously voter suppression helps suppress ALL votes even the ones for your side so like jokes on the conservatives in the area#but like... the concern that I would do something at the polls that would make them turn me away was always constant#were my clothing choices neutral enough? did i have any stickers or pins i'd forgotten about? what color were the sample ballots this year?#if i only grab one people will know who i'm voting for better grab all 3 and then not use them because they'll be able to tell somehow#did they move our voting location again this year or is it back at the library? will the machines work? where will we park?#and like... yes you get a sticker but also will people somehow Know and will that get my ballot disqualified?#i moved to a slightly less-fraught area and still had all the anxieties and now they were tripled because now i was voting against my famil#and every election i have voted in so far has gone opposite my vote so i am Very Concerned about that on top of things#but yeah like. it's weird that it's so easy to vote up here. it's weird that there's so many incentives#it's weird and uncomfortable but definitely not bad just....weird#but also having a celebration of your first vote with a cake and a poll watch party where your cake is a fake ballot and your mom takes#a picture of you ''voting'' on the cake for the Correct Guy That You'd Better Be Voting For Or Else on it might also be a little weird#so like. different weirds#this one's better i gotta say#i'm just... just gonna sit and Hope okay#i've done what i can time to wait and see
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Here are some relatable lyrics bc I am bored
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#so you laugh through your tears#long story short I survived#i just kinda wish you were gay#if i fuck up my words don’t think I’m absurd alright#my anxiety creeps inside of me makes it hard to breathe#i said too much it overflowed#then i’d grab the kitchen scissors and cut myself to slivers#easy to be sleazy when you got a filthy mind#cause i feel real things for a fake ass guy#cry baby#long story short#wish you were gay#detention#overwhelmed#soap#high school sweethearts#jigsaw#girls#fictional men#melanie martinez#taylor swift#billie eilish#royal & the serpent#conan gray#marina#peggy#music lyrics#relatable#music#spotify
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Anxiety is...
Anxiety is speed packing because its nearly 8pm and you need to go to sleep so that you can wake up at 4am so you dont miss your 6am flight
Anxiety is writing down three pages worth of detailed lists of what you packed, and what pocket of which bag it should be in as well as check boxes to make sure you have everything: before you leave, when you get there, when you leave there, and when you get home
Anxiety is deciding on the spot to tell your grandma about your boyfriend without thinking about it at all
Anxiety is going through exactly what to tell her and what to leave out in your mind for the next hour just to make sure that when you talk about it you don't accidentally out yourself and/or have to have a possibly long definitely awkward conversation about polyamory
Anxiety is still there and frequently very bad even though you take medication for it every day and have been for the past two years
Anxiety is either taking your journal with you everywhere or hiding it in a specific spot so that nobody reads it
Anxiety is worrying that your dress for your cousins wedding is too white even though many people have told you that it isn't and you will be fine
Anxiety is worrying that people will know you're trans because of the trans flag charm that YOU put on YOUR phone
Anxiety is bringing a stuffed animal everywhere because is soothes you (and ofc you don't care what others think when it comes to THAT!)
Anxiety is heart palpitations that only get worse once you notice them because maybe your dying
Anxiety can be the size of the pacific ocean one day and a cup of water the next
Anxiety is a pain in the ass.
Anxiety is like the boy who cried wolf because I get so worked up about so many little things that when it comes to real emergency situations, there's a good chance my brain will tell me its a drill and i don't need to worry
#anxiety#i knda just wanted to vent a bit lol#anxiety disorder#anxiety attack#anxiety sucks#anxiety is#everyones anxiety is different this is just mine#vent#anxiety vent#anxiety awareness#disability pride month#i dont personally identify with the term disabled but i know people who do find their anxiety disabling#I <3 my disabled bf#idk if thats a word lol#anxiety is worrying about posting about it on tumblr because what if it turns out you were faking it the whole time and everything#you feel isn't real and you're just crazy lol#disabled is not a dirty word#disability is not a dirty word
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so for Writing Reasons I've been going back through all my old personal writing (including some very old social media posting) and the sheer force with which I wanted to dress up or roleplay "as a guy" from ages 12 to 15 is truly stunning. WHILE BEING AWARE OF TRANS AND NONBINARY PEOPLE. AS A OPTION. FULLY ZERO-BRAIN-CELL AWARENESS-ZERO ASS EGG
#im MAD#I went into this project thinking haha it's funny I was so secure in my gender as a kid#surely. SURELY. I will not find a simple TON of both public and private Indications#That Maybe#I Maybe Wanted To Be A He/Him#Or At Least Stop Wearing Fucking Dresses#I'm HAUNTED!! I've been compiling all of it over the past week and I keep finding MORE#thinking about that one video 'and none of you told me???? none of you told me I didn't have to be a girl??????'#from the writer's den#void talks#the worst fucking part about this project also is thinking. it could've been different.#it could all have been different.#the thoughts were THERE...#there are SO many instances where I wanted to be more masc or straight up cosplay men#I mean you can take a quick look at my roleplaying history and go ''wow void's played a lot of guys''#''void spent a lot of time from 8th to 10th grade roleplaying as guys''#''including sexually. huh.''#but basically every time I wanted to Try Something irl I just.........didn't................#part of it was anxiety#I was so anxious about it being weird or awkward#and being like 'I like feminine terms of reference and whatnot tho'#but aaaauuugghhhhhhhhh.#I want to shake my seventh-grade self's shoulders and say ''there will come a day when you realize gender is fake#and that you don't have to pretend to be a girl''#''and just because your desires aren't going to perfectly match what you think it means to be trans. TRUST ME''
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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skinamarink was really good but i wish we would've a) kept to the atmosphere & not done stupid youtube short jumpscares like that toy telephone thing. Seeing the eyes in the dark was good but the face turning evil and scary and screaming was lame sorry.
b) kept the parents as the main horror figures & not implied a third unknown horror thats like the devil or whatever. Your parents whispering weird incoherent sentences and telling you repeatedly to go from place to place and look at things for no clear reason and appear really creepy but its unclear whether they actually mean you harm but you don't want to disobey and find out was 100% better than "the devil is here and will make your blood splatter on the carpet."
c) just had kaylee disappear with no explanation. The fast close up shot where she has no eyes and mouth was cliché & just too revelatory. Okay theres something supernatural that wants to harm the children. Now that i know that im actually less tense than i was before. If on the other hand the scene had just been "a creepy voice that may or may not be your parents called your sister upstairs where its dark and scary and strange and now she's gone and you can't find her and you're all alone", thats horrifying on a level my adult mind can't make sense of.
d) 20-30 minutes shorter sorry some of those scenes were both too long and not very good there was a lot that could have been cut without sacrificing either atmosphere or intent and would have greatly improved the experience.
#I loved the “look under the bed” scene i thought the parents were gonna be the scary figures and it was working so well#“your father and i love you both very much” and its somehow the scariest thing ive ever heard ok good job#and “go back downstairs. go back downstairs now.” but then the “theres someone here” undermined it#sorry the threat should not come from the outside now theres an extra scary figure & that sucks#beginning was too long also there was too much exposition#LOVED the scene of the cartoon bunny making himself disappear that was insanely anxiety inducing#and i really liked the face at the end that was great. but again would have been better if we thought the only other clear presences in the#house were the parents#“put the knife in your eye” was upsetting to the extreme but the gratuitous fake blood and splatters felt cheap and lessened the impact
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If your democrat friends start muttering about stolen election conspiracy theories, the time to have a sit down with them and express your concerns is NOW, while you still have a chance to reach them, not 6 months from now when they're fully conspiracy-pilled.
Here's some of the talking points and why they're bullshit:
'10 million votes don't just disappear!' -> Joe Biden's 81 million votes were a statistical outlier, sparked by the recent experience of the Trump presidency. The democrats failed to maintain that sense of urgency, but Harris still got more votes than Hillary Clinton, more than Obama and more than any previous democratic candidate. These numbers are not weird at all.
'The Republicans tried to infiltrate election- and vote counting organizations!' -> yeah, they did, and yet hundreds of independent legal observers didn't see anything go wrong enough to raise any alarms. Independent exit polls are also very consistently similar to the counted votes. Tons of international organizations specialized in this stuff observed the election and didn't see a reason to raise the alarm.
'But I know a dozen democrats whose mail-in votes were not counted!' -> In any election a certain number of votes are registered as invalid because something was wrong with the ballot. In a country the size of the US, that translates to many thousands of votes. The internet allows these people to find each other, creating the false impression that a suspiciously large group of votes was not valid.
'Musk used Star Link to mess with electronic voting!' -> Electronic voting machines are not connected to the internet and dozens of independent media have already debunked this myth. It is absolutely impossible to use Star Link to fake election results.
'There is voter disenfranchisement!' -> This is true. This has always been true, for every election. It's an issue worth talking about but it's not a special secret conspiracy that's unique to this election.
But just as importantly as the facts: sit down with your friend and talk about the anxiety that's behind their conspiracy leanings. Acknowledge their pain and fear. Help them find ways to feel less powerless and regain their sense of agency. Take them to a mutual aid event, involve them in a fundraising event for a marginalized group, invite them to a local community effort. If they spend more time feeling connection and empowerment and less time doom scrolling online, they're far more likely to stay in reality.
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Ok- fucking- anxiety tics. I had them really fucking badly like my Sophmore year. Yeah, nobody told me about the possible residual effects for when they wore off. This is fucking annoying that they've been here for years now. I think I'd rather have the full blown thing, than the annoying, off putting mini ones I get after every mild awkward interaction. Because at least holding back the full thing didn't make me feel like my body was having a mini nuclear explosion!
However, I'm glad I don't have them super big anymore, because I can play off the smaller ones as a cold chill or something. Because trauma from that time specifically made me so much more self-conscious.
#mental health#tics#anxitey#anxiety tics#tourrettes#tics and tourettes#motor tics#vocal tics#fuck you sunny I was scared about them#I wasn't fucking faking#you were the cause of those anyway#fucking white knight bitchass#people pointing them out scared the fucking shit out of me#girl wasn't even around when they started#she stopped being my friend weeks prior#girl was stalking me and talking shit#I don't even know why you stopped talking to me!#don't mind the trauma rant down here#i got carried away...#lmao
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DEVASTATING: teen discovers their problems are shared by millions, yet the horrors persist
#it's me#i'm the teen#i have to stop mentally diagnosing myself and everyone around me with ocd i wish i never even heard of it dude it's bad#but yk it's cool 🤪 it's whatever 😜 it's groovy 😋#but like do you ever have that moment where you're like everything sucks and it's all my fault and i've made everything so much worse throug#h my inaction?? bc apparently fixating on the death of myself and others isn't just a me thingggg and everybody worries the world is going#collapse in on itself at any moment#i recognize my issues are all mental and i know they're silly and stupid so like why is it still there??? why can't i stop dwelling????#i also feel like i'm making bigger issues for myself by faking thoughts and idk how to explain this bc i know it's sounds crazy but i keep#forcing thoughts and making myself think about it for a solid moment before letting myself replace it with literally anything else or#disctracting myself with television and writing and social media#and i keep over analyzing every thought i have and everything other people say to me and dissect through the lense of what ive read about#ocd on official looking cites and i feel rude and wrong and disrespectful because of it and i just want to be present but the whole time im#having to think about how i am being present#and i think this problem could be solved if i just made friends and hung out with them or whatever but i feel like ive either missed that#boat or that everybody's already busy and doesn't want to talk to me and all of my friends actually have other friends that they primarily#talk to like i'm on everyone's back burner which is fine they should worry about their own shit but it's like i want to be someone's primary#friend#and in actuality what i really need to do is to stop thinking and this can only be done if someone were to give me a horse tranquilizer but#everyone thinks i'm joking when i say i want to be sedated#they're just “haha yea anxiety sucks” and i'm quivering and shaking like a freshly born lamb bc i cannot stand the state of the kitchen#knock me over the head with a 2x4 please please omigod please#but it's fine it's actually so cool and as long as i keep saying it's groovy everything will keep turning up roses so it's fine#god i need to get over myself#someone please tell me exactly how like step by step and preferably a free option as having to spend my mothers money gives me a panic attac#k#thank you 😘
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my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.
#even when im not#see i might have zero confidence in most things but when it comes to wild takes for shows and shit? i am more right than the writers#i am simply better than them they wish they had my brain#do i deal with more anxiety than anyone ever wished would even exist yes i actively corce myself into 6 anxiety attacks every hour by#leaving my house and force myself to anyways its not good its not healthy dont do that do as i say not as i do#but is my brain incredible at being wild? yes show writers wish they were me#imagine being as out there as me#i lay the easter eggs before i know theyre easter eggs and watch as ppl froth to find them and cry when they realize they were right there#bc i didnt know they were there either i connected them after the fact#flawlessly crossover shit that shouldn’t work? try me u cant do what i can#im dazzling fake it til u make it or whatever#im also accidentally hilarious and that should be feared my power is incredible#’brina wtf—‘ so funny thing the thing that spurred this one#was seeing multiple ppl of a fandom on DIFFERENT websites incorrectly use the word wh/itewash#bc apparently they dont understand that whitewa/shing is not ‘they made this character dumb when they arent!!!’ like#thats not what that means buddy that you cant use that on a white character forbeing a dumbass their whiteness wasnt affected#is there any correlation to my beign annoyed at that and my temporary confidence? i have no fucjibg idea man im mentally ill what do ya want#i need anxiety meds that dont cause depresso and depresso meds thatdonf causs anxiety#otherwise my sudden jumps of this and wanting implosions just keep flickering#anyways i dont usually do this bc i dont wanna be an asshole but skmetimes you see shir and its like#damn ive never been the smartest bitch in the room before but boy howdy is that a feeling im feeling#raiiot#i still cant believe it#’they whi/tewashed (white character that is white in every material)’s storyline she did this dumb thing based on feelings insteads of#slowly entering madness!!!!’ do we need a masterclass on how a WHITE character cannot be wh/itewashed#and also that their MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH are NOT aspects of that when. again. THEYRE WHITE#THATS NOT WHAT THAT M E A N S#whatever gen that is i i dont think its the zoomies idk if its mellis or the xers hut like whoever u are#for fucks sake man. for fucks sake#your misuse of that word is almost as bad as your takes
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hi again been a bit... uhhh why'd I wanna make this again? oh right talking about random shit. I do wanna get back into some things I left off with some friends of mine, but due to being me and it being a very hard existence things didnt go as planned and I kinda dropped it and lost interest.... which really sucks cause I have so many ideas for where I wanted to take my story ( working on a kirby au of sorts havent sorted out through the entire thing cause my brain doesnt wanna work with me :/ ) that I wanted to actually bring into existence instead of it all just being in my head or a rough draft. maybe I can push myself into gaining interest again by actually working on it again. what I had orginally thought up is no longer what I wanna go with so new things are hard to come up with. off topic from that I have so many fucking games I need to get back to and the game list keeps getting bigger and bigger its gonna drown me at some point :( whyyyyy do I keep doing this to myself.... doom I'm dooming myself this is what I'm doing. and cause I'm me I'm def gonna be forgetting that I made this post in the first place! dont you love being this mess of a person? isnt this FUN?!
#astralsys.tx#fronting astral: k#check dni /srs#the answer is no#I hate this so much#every time I think about how my life is goddamn awful I'm just fucking thinking about all the fakers ik in my life#if they fucking saw me and lived this life they would kts#clearly dont understand how this disorder works LOL#you all just think its ���mpd” and all fun and dandy dontcha#even the personal fakers ik dont understand how this disorder works either I just wanted to fucking scream at them#and tell them their “case” is not real and they're being fictitious that this is imitative d.i.d. you're doing this on purpose#no you are not a minor discovered “d.i.d. system” who is “fictive heavy” with an obsurd number of “alters / headmates” actually stfu die#I just wanna slap them with sources of researchers of actual fakers and show them make them look in the fucking mirror#THIS IS YOU DO YOU NOT SEE YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR ARE YOU NOT LOOKING AT YOURSELF CLEARLY?!#even if I did that they STILL wouldnt back down and claim to my fucking face that they “suffer” from “d.i.d.”#yeah sure you fucking do with your 73pk+ which most of them are “introject fictives” from either your “HF / SPIN” or new media#and you act like youre rp'ing as them whenever they're brought up in convo and self dx'es with “osdd-1b” 1st and said you've done “research#clearly not good research if you didnt figure out that “osdd1b / osdd1a” are “community terms” and not actual dx'es also claimed self dx'ed#asd adhd anxiety depression & ofc “d.i.d.”. the other 2 are even worse all 3 of them “discovered they were systems” when they were minors#12pk rn but that number kept changing said 51 now 39 30 -> 42 -> 13 -> 12 yeah no way this is fucking real are you fucking kidding me?#all of them but ONE was a non “introject alter” yeah get fucking real buddy not even in active med help and your “member” count went down?#fuck off and then the last one's number keeps rising and rising this is like the worst one thats actually just screaming fake to my face#wow omfg 100pk now it was not like that a couple days ago you have got to be actually kidding me are you seeing yourself like actually rn#and ofc all of them are “introjects” from fucking somewhere and from very recent media too cause ofc it is cant even pretend right can you?#I cant with these fucking people man do you really think you can bullshit me like this to my fucking face with this shit do you honestly#think ANYONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES YOU#ALL THREE OF YOU ARE THE WORST PEOPLE YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD TO ME#ok thats enough ranting out of me I'm just fucking sick of you people#get off the fucking internet#| ✨💫
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none of it was fake
bucky barnes x avenger!fem!reader
summary: you've been undercover with bucky as husband and wife. upon returning, he seems to have forgotten that it was all pretend.
word count: 1.6k+
warnings: two idiots cluelessly pining for each other. fluff. usage of petnames such as sweetheart, doll, and baby. lowercase writing.
note: hi, babies. how's everyone? this is my first fic in ages, so sorry if it's not my best one. i just wanted something cute ++ this is unedited & not proofread, might fix it laterrr. still hope you'll enjoy this one! xo
dividers made by @firefly-graphics!
comments, reblogs, and likes are highly appreciated. thank you! ♡
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/92ed0edd9e0463dcb5e999510ecb1c57/6d6da3c4ecfc2dd3-3d/s540x810/a206f8849781d45283cd738630b3c092824c25e4.jpg)
“i can't believe your first kiss happened during a mission. an undercover mission!
wanda huffed, still hung up on the mission you had with bucky weeks ago wherein you had to play pretend as a married couple. there had been a kiss or two during that time, and it felt impossible not to tell your best friend about it when you had been crushing over the soldier for ages.
wanda knew what you felt towards bucky. in fact, she was the only one who knew, or at least the one you shared th information with, and she made sure to ask everything about the mission, even if it took days for her to interrogate you.
“excuse me? that was not my first kiss,” you said defensively, reaching for a cup from the cupboard that you had just opened. “and why are we still talking about this? you and nat already squeezed out every information from me for an entire week.”
“i didn't mean your first first kiss!” she exclaimed, following you around the kitchen as you made yourself a cup of coffee. “you've had a crush on the guy for so long, and the first time you two kiss each other is when you're pretending. that's not how i pictured it at all!”
you had to admit, the mission was sort of a blessing in disguise and a curse at the same time. you were glad to be able to spend time with bucky in ways you've dreamt of, but there was also the horrible reminder that none of it was real. with how avoidant bucky was with you, it was impossible for any of it to happen outside of the mission.
“well, maybe you should stop picturing us doing that sort of stuff. you're way more invested in this than i am, wanda. don't you have your own relationship to think about?” you asked. although you knew she was in a happy relationship with vision, you just wanted her to take a break from all the bucky talk. “when is your man home anyway?”
“my relationship is doing great, so i'm good. i don't need to think of it as much since he gives me everything that i need, and i think of yours because you deserve happiness as well.” she smiled fondly, her eyes sparkling with happiness. “and i'm glad that you asked because this reminded me that vision's arriving with bucky soon.”
“already?” your eyes widened at her statement, completely forgetting that bucky, along with steve, clint, and vision, were coming home today from their mission. “why didn't you tell me sooner!?”
after finishing your mission with bucky two weeks ago, he was immediately sent into another mission which specifically needed him. so, today would technically be the first time you're seeing him again since you last called him your “husband,” which was more nerve-wracking than you expected.
“hey, i'm your best friend, not your alarm.” wanda raised her hands up, defending herself. “and why are you so worried? i can feel your anxiety without needing to be in your head.”
“well, we never talked after.. you know,” you replied, taking a big sip out of your cup. “i know none of it meant anything and that we were just doing our job, but it's the first time i'll be with him normally and not as a pretend married couple. it's kinda awkward, wands.”
“you were able to pretend you didn't like the guy for months, you can do it again for another day.” she answered. “unless you finally tell him what you feel?”
“oh, that? yeah, never happening. i'm not going to risk—”
“there you are, sweetheart.”
there was a collective shocked gasp from both you and wanda, recognizing that voice from behind. except the gasps had different reasons.
you were surprised with his arrival.
wanda was surprised that he casually called you sweetheart.
you turn to find bucky already walking towards you with a smile on his face.
this man never smiles unless he was tasked to do so!
“bucky! you're back!” you awkwardly greeted him.
“yeah, didn't they tell you? i was looking for you when we landed.” he said, pulling you close to him before bending to place a soft kiss on your lips like it was something he'd always done. “you okay, baby? you look pale. did you eat?”
i look pale because wanda is right here with us and you just kissed me while acting like we're dating!
“um, yeah, i'm fine. i'm fine,” you answered, gently pulling yourself away from his arms before he could wrap them around you completely. “can we talk? privately?”
he frowned, worry etched on his face, but he nodded and squeezed your arm softly. “of course. where do you wanna talk, doll?”
“anywhere where wanda isn't there.” you said lightheartedly, throwing a sharp glance at wanda who finally understood what you wanted her to do.
“oh! right, right. i'm sorry, you guys can stay here. i have um..” she paused, thinking of a reason to say. “i have to look for vision anyway. we're supposed to watch a movie together. bye!”
and just like that, wanda was gone and you were left alone with bucky in the kitchen.
before you could speak, bucky asked you first. “what's the matter, doll?”
“what's the matter?” you echoed in a higher tone. “what was that all about?”
“what are you talking about?” he asked, seemingly confused.
“you kissed me, bucky, like it was nothing. then you keep calling me these nicknames.” you reminded him. “we're back home, not in los angeles in our fake house that we used as a fake couple.”
bucky took a step back when he realised his actions, now finding it hard to look at you. “i.. i'm sorry. i completely forgot. i just.. i wasn't thinking. i got used to how we were before,” he mumbled, still finding the right words to say. “did i make you uncomfortable?”
“no, but you made me confused,” you replied. “i'm guessing you got used to how we acted as a fake married couple, but you were gone for another mission. how are you still stuck with the old routine we had?”
“because that's all i could think about,” he answered, now staring at you. “while you're back here in the tower, completely done with our mission, i was thrown back into another one, having only you in my head to pull me back up from the fatigue.”
“you're telling me that you kept thinking about us even when you were gone? why?”
“haven't you?”
“is this a trick question?”
“it's a question to find out whether you like me too or not.”
“you.. you like me?” you blinked. “that's impossible.”
“how on earth is that impossible?”
“because you're always so cold and grumpy around me,” you answered. “i think you're just confused with all the acting we've done, bucky. you don't like me.”
“i was supposed to go on that mission with sharon, not you.” he exhaled. “she volunteered to do it, so she was initially picked. i tried getting out of it, but i had advantages that they needed for the mission to go smoothly. so, i agreed, but in one condition.”
“what was it?” you whispered.
“that you should be my partner,” he answered quickly. “ask me why.”
your heart pounded. “why?”
“because i wanted an excuse to act the way i've always wanted to. i wasn't cold or grumpy because i didn't like you, i just didn't want to scare you.” bucky explained, his hand reaching out for yours. “god, doll. figuring out whether you like me or not has got to be the hardest mission i had to deal with. so do me a favour and get me out of this misery.”
once your lungs found a bit of oxygen again, you finally spoke. “what you said.. you mean it?”
bucky nodded. “every word.”
“well, i like you too.” you tried to bite back a huge smile. “for some time now, actually. wanda will eventually tell you all about my obsession with you. i can't believe we were both worrying for the wrong things.”
“your obsession with me, huh?” he asked cockily, a teasing grin plastered on his face.
“really? i said all that and that's what caught your attention?”
“can't help it. i've been obsessed with you for a long time now as well.” his eyes crinkled at the corners, a little smile gracing his lips while his arm slipped around your waist.
your eyes peeked up at him through your lashes. “does this make it real now?”
“do you want it to be?”
“you're really asking me that?” your chest rumbled. “of course i do.”
“then let's make it real.”
bucky watched you intensely for a few seconds as if he wanted to frame this exact moment before licking his lips and leaning down. you suck a breath, eyes closing as you felt his soft lips meet yours.
you never realised how much you've grown familiar with his touch and affection since your time together as a fake couple.
except this time, none of it was fake.
should we see their time in los angeles as an undercover married couple? 👀
if you have any requests for bucky, send them my way! 💌
#bucky barnes fic#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes x y/n#mcu#marvel#inkedbybarnes
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ExHusband!Simon x Reader
You Want a Divorce? (Two)
Note: I feel like this is so bad im sorry!!!!
CW: Angst, titty sucking, passionate asf sex, simon missed ur pussy and you very much and vise versa, breeding kink, PIV (no protection, pls use it irl), squirting, simon eats the FUCK out of ur pussy, multiple orgasms, praise, hint of degradation, possessive!simon, OVERSTIMULATION, slight daddy kink… sorry
Part One
It was a quiet ride, the subtle sweeps of cars fleeting by as Simon gripped the wheel, eyes trailing off to the side to look at you briefly. Your head was leaned against the window, your knees knocking together anxiously as your daughter babbled in the back, cooing about how Mummy and Daddy were now back together.
You tried to hide the shed of tears that filtered across your iris, every small childish mumble like a stab to the gut as you listened to the genuine happiness in her tone. You would turn around occasionally with a small smile as you reached out to tickle her foot, giggles filling the car.
Simon pulled in, the car bouncing slightly as it hit the gravel carpark, his hand swerving into a spot before he turned to the back. “You excited, baby?”
Ella’s face lit up as she fumbled to take off her seatbelt, “Get me, Daddy! Get me! I wanna see the lions!” It was refreshing knowing she still viewed Simon as her hero, no matter how distant he was in their lives. You knew that even though your ex-husband was rarely around, his time with them did everything it could to mend the time apart. Toby woke up at the commotion, the toddler having slept the whole way there despite his older sister’s constant bickering about what animals she had to see first.
Everything seemed to flash past you as you walked inside, the whir of kids and noise sending your brain into overdrive as your eyes flickered to Simon with Ella swinging around on his shoulders and Toby kicking his legs in the stroller. You looked away; breath shaky as you attempted to compose yourself. This was supposed to be a happy day, for all of you, yet seeing him with your children, something that was supposed to be normal, felt so distant and unknown. Gathering yourself, you plastered a fake smile, hands reaching out to pinch your son’s cheeks as you grabbed the stroller.
Your heart hammered in your chest for the remainder of the day, fingers tingling with anxiety that bled into your veins, consuming your lungs with what seemed like everything but oxygen. It was a series of squeals and commotions from your young ones, their elation evident through the bright glow of their face, soft red resting on the apples of their cheeks. As the day quieted down, Toby slumped in the stroller as you tucked him into the car seat, his new plush crocodile cradled into his arms, mouth wide open as subtle breaths snored out.
Ella was cradled into Simon’s shoulder, her shoes half hanging off as she clutched onto him, dead asleep. You settled into the ride home yet your anxiety only seemed to heighten. You were alone with Simon, with no kiddish voices to break the tension, brown orbs glaring into the side of your face.
“Should we talk about this morning?”
You scoffed. “You have some nerve asking to talk about this morning,” you screamed into a hush, “What you did was completely disrespectful. Not only did you break into my house and kick my date out, but you left our kids in the car! What the fuck were you thinking?”
He cleared his throat, almost like he wanted to hold back how he felt. You noticed the white in his knuckles as he gripped the wheel, right eye twitching as he stared at the squiggles of tar ahead. “I don’t want our kids growing up thinking it’s normal for parents to separate. They need their mum and dad together, y/n.”
The world silenced for a second, the screams of the wind rushing past you seemed to slow as your voice cracked, seeps of emotion pouring out as you choked on your breath, “Then you should have fought for your family, Simon. There is no us anymore, it’s just them. They’re all that connects us now.”
You felt like all the ivory had been sucked out of your eyes, endless pits of your pupil consuming you whole, blurring your vision with fog as you blinked, hot streams of liquid salt spilling onto your cheeks, brimming at the cracks of your lips as you sniffled. You could feel his hesitation as he looked at you.
His words regurgitated in his throat as he stammered, tangled limbs reaching out to grip yours as you pulled away.
“Just drop us home.”
Your eyes had dried now, soft stains of bare skin caving through your foundation as you smudged your fingers against it. Simon stuttered as he pulled up to the driveway, tyres screeching to a halt as you sat in silence.
The soft strum of fingers caught your attention as you turned around, the innocent face of Toby looking back at his parents, tongue blabbing out of his mouth. “Dadda! You have dinner?”
“No, sport. Daddy’s gotta go-“
“Yeah, baby. Daddy will have dinner with us.”
You blinked at your own words, Simon’s surprised expression meeting yours. The wrench in your heart would never subside, the entirety of the beating organ still belonging to your ex-husband, but being a mother was a sacrifice. And you would sacrifice yourself in every existence you become one if it meant your children didn’t have to battle the same internal wounds.
“They’re tucked in,” Simon said, voice soft as he noticed your withered body in the couch. Your hair was messy now, strands spitting out as you anxiously tucked them back in, smoothing them down with the dampness of your palms as you ran around all night, ushering to the demands of your children.
“Thank you.”
You felt ill, your tongue cascading down your throat as you palmed at your knees, desperate for him to leave yet desperate for him to stay. Simon stilled, keys jangling in his hand before he sat down next to you, his weight disrupting the couch as he shuffled around.
“I need you to know that I did want to fight for you, y/n. I have counted every single day since you handed me those papers, waiting by my phone every single night on deployment hoping for you to text me, call me, fuck - blow my phone up. I never wanted the temporary absence that we had apart become permanent. Everything I said,” he breathed, voice cracking slightly as he looked away, “Everything I said on October 6th, 7 years ago, I meant. You weren’t supposed to get away from me - I shouldn’t have - I shouldn’t have let you get away from me.”
It was strange. Simon was never one for feelings, the brutality of his job allowed for any harsh emotions to crack through his fingers as he pulled a trigger, any dampness of tears would sweat through his skin as he pummelled a blade into an enemies head.
But it was you. And you weren’t violent, or any enemy, you were his wife, the person he vowed his entirety too.
Your anxious cascade cracked as you whimpered out a sob, chest heaving as you buried your face, tight with tears, into the pillows of your hands. You felt warmth spread through you, the texture of Simon’s fingers burning through you like wildfire, every ember he felt scorching through your flesh as he pulled you in.
Arms tangled together, intwining like wool as he wrapped you into his chest nimbly. A zephyr ran through you, your wrists clutched in his hands as you straddled him, the weight of you feeling like the grandest treasure upon him.
It was nothing strange, nor sexual but Simon recognised that cry, the differing pitch as you shuffled your frame into his. Simon knew you like the back of his hand, every crevice, every crease, every scar. He knew your backstory, and the one you made up to impress people. He knew the hex of the colour of your eyes and the print of your thumb. No papers would take that away from him.
Soaked eyelashes clumped into one as you looked up at him, orbs resembling once of a doe, innocence seeping through every inch of a salt-stained tear. His eyes met yours, apertures of cocoa reflecting your weary frame as you gripped onto him.
“Let me come home, please.”
Simon’s voice was desperate, it was raw, any shed of arrogance erased through the lines, eyebrows knotted together as he rubbed at the small of your back.
Your nod was subtle, but he could practically hear it, calloused hands gripping at the plush of your cheek and seeping through the tip of your spine, thumb rubbing at your earlobe as he clutched onto you.
Hot, seething pricks ran through your limbs as your lips connected, saline lining your mouth as he lapped at the heat of your tongue, rough groans leaving his lips as he savoured the taste.
Any diffidence left your body as familiarity sunk back into you. Hands pawed at the globe of your ass, gripping the flesh as anguished limbs wrapped around Simon’s waist.
With an easy tug, he lifted you, your hands wrapping around his neck as he pulled you in closer, teeth kissing. You never questioned Simon’s strength, and you wouldn’t start now as you felt your back hit your mattress.
He tugged at his shirt, the black fabric pooling on the floor as you sucked in a breath. Your eyes traced every scar, lighter flesh engraved into the skin of his torso, a short trail of hair disappearing into his pants as you stared at his burly physique.
Simon gripped at your shirt, the material practically ripping before his hands were at your chest, grabbing at your flesh desperately as you tangled your fingers into your bra, sliding it off. His mouth was hot on your chest, the sound of moans and pants filling the air as he positioned himself between your legs, teeth grazing the hard nubs, sucking with fervour as you whined, your hand at the base of his head, cradling it.
“Missed these so fucking much,” he practically whined, groping your tits as he pinched your nipples, lips sucking deep marks of possession into the soft skin. Your pants were desperate, begging him for more as you pulled his hair, fingernails clawing at his scalp.
Your hands fumbled with your pants, hips raising as he slid them off, clumsy fingers chucking them across the room as you laughed, lips connecting once more in a giggly state as his thumb pushed against the wetness of your panties.
“Missed how fucking wet you got for me. Such a good fucking girl,” he groaned, fingers rubbing at your heat through the thin cloth eliciting a pained moan from you.
“Simon - I need more, been so long.”
He choked out a laugh as his fingers hooked into the fabric, lace dribbling down your leg before he mewled at the sight of you. His hands held your thighs apart, your soaking cunt on display as it throbbed, slick folds glistening in the poor lighting.
“Prettiest fucking pussy,” he choked out to himself, placing your legs over his shoulder as he knelt down. Your back arched as you felt his tongue lick a long stripe of your pussy, his body seething for a taste of you as his lips found your neglected clit.
He lapped at you mercilessly, your cries and moans moulding into one with the filthy squelches of his mouth against your heat. Long digits circled your entrance, teasing you, before they curled in.
Your eyes rolled, pools of ivory exposed as you let out a guttural moan, your thighs tightening around his ears as he smirked against your pussy. Cocky fingers rubbed at the right spot, favouring the clench of your tight hole as he pulled every noise he could get from you.
You were barely cohesive as he lapped at your slick, the throbbing of your clit edging him on as he soothed your g-spot with the pad of his fingers. The coil you had only ever felt with Simon began to build, the familiar sensation pooling in your stomach as you stuttered out a whimper.
“Si- too much - I’m gonna-“
“That’s it baby,” he cooed, pulling away from your pussy for a second to take in your expression as you came, your face contorted with pleasure as your legs jerked, pussy wrapping tighter around his abusing digits as he fucked you through it with them. You looked down at him, saliva and your slick coating his mouth and chin as he grinned.
You stammered out a groan as his mouth attached back on your pussy, slurping up your liquid gold as you attempted to push his head away in overstimulation.
“Oh my- fuck - Simon - too much,” you whimpered your words commanding him to continue as he guzzled around your clit, teeth grazing the sensitive bud as your legs shook uncontrollably.
It wasn’t long before the continuation from your previous orgasm rose again, heat swarming your lower belly as you screamed out, your hand slapping over your mouth as you felt Simon’s spare hand wrap around your thigh, squeezing tightly.
You pulled at his hair, tugging at the ashy roots before you were gushing around his fingers and tongue again, sloshing liquids soaking your sheets as he groaned at the taste, mouth lapping it up with vigour. You whined in humiliation, the overwhelming pleasure becoming too much as you heaved.
“Si - no more -“
“I’m sorry baby, too fucking good. Will never get enough of your pussy.”
His words were filthy yet only held the truth, his continuous slurps against your heat causing your body to jerk as you relentlessly bucked your hips. Simon’s abuse continued on your pussy, your pussy gushing and coming another 6 times before he was satisfied, the sheet under you drenched in both your slick and squirt as Simon milked your overwhelmed cunt, claiming he was “making up for the months lost”.
You were dry heaving, throat dry as he captured your lips in a kiss, the taste of you infiltrating into your glands as you groaned, his hands reaching to tug at your breasts as he took in your fucked out state, legs jiggling and twitching as your pussy convulsed at the number of orgasms he dragged out of you.
You felt like you had been lying here for hours, yet you weren’t satisfied. You would only be content when he was inside you, stretching you to the brim as he pumped a load inside your worn-out hole.
“Simon - please - I can’t… I need you now,” you were practically crying, tears shedding at the brim of your eyes, bottom lip jutting out as he tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear, slicking back the sweat on your forehead.
“I know baby, done so well for Daddy, hm? Even after all that you still need to be plugged full of me don’t you?”
You nodded as a harsh slap landed against your clit, your body jolting as you squeaked. “Yes, please,” you cried, “Please Daddy.”
His hands were like clockwork, tearing at his jeans as they released his cock, a satisfied groan leaving his body as he gripped at the tent in his pants, a sticky wet patch soaking the material before his length throbbed out, angry tip slapping his stomach as a trail of precum glistened against the base of his cock.
His dick was flushed red, begging for release as he ran it through the squelch of your sopping folds, rubbing against your manipulated clit as you moaned.
Your hands gripped his head as he leant down to kiss you, his arm holding him up while the other positioned himself at your entrance. He stilled for a moment, cock almost pressing in before he whispered, “I love you.”
“I love you.”
The words were soft yet meaningful, your eyes interlocked as he began to push inside, your mouth gasping open as you clutched onto his shoulders. It was hard when you were together all those years to get accustomed to his frightening length, and now it had been a year and the stretch was searing through you.
“I know, sweet girl, you can take it. Such a tight cunt for me, so fucking good.”
Fingernails clawed at his back as he pushed in, your whines muffled by the palm of his hand as he held himself up his elbows. “Holy fuck,” he spluttered as he bottomed out, his lips connecting to your neck as he sucked, resting inside you for a second as you whimpered.
The burn slowly faded as you rutted against him impatiently, the tip of his cock resting against your sweet spot as you gasped.
“So fucking impatient, always been such a slut for me. Haven’t you?”
You nodded, whining as he began to move, moving his hips slowly as he rubbed inside you perfectly, your mouth wide open as your head lolled back. A series of expletives tipped from your tongue as you choked on the air, Simon’s pace picking up at your dramatic noises.
“Fuck - taking me so well-“ he grunted, hands groping at your tits as he watched your pussy absorb his length. It was an obscene sight and he loved it. Every fibre of your being belonged to him and it was something he constantly craved.
“All fucking mine - shit - my fucking pussy,” he grunted, thumb rubbing at your clit as you mewled, twitching below him as he spat, “my fucking wife - got the tightest fucking cunt just for me.”
You clenched around him at his words, knowing it was true as his balls slapped against your ass, skin spanking against each other as the sound filled the room, ecstasy roaring through both of your veins as you made love.
The squelch of your pussy was taboo as he lapped in the missed sound. His eyes took in the way your body reacted to every movement, no matter how small. He took in the way your breasts bounced with each thrust, lower stomach bulging as he pounded into you.
“Fuck - Simon - oh my God,” your words were a mere blabber, barely making sense as you clutched onto him, pulling him down to meet your lips.
“I can’t pull out, baby - fuck - gotta cum in this pretty pussy. Give you another kid, hm? - shit -“
His hips didn’t falter as his pace fastened, chasing his own high as he rubbed at your clit, your breaths growing shallow as your orgasm began to build. “Gonna fill you with my cum until it takes. Need your belly round again and your tits full - such a good fucking mum, makes me so fucking proud.”
His words were the final straw as the build up in your stomach popped, your whole body convulsing as your pussy clenched around him, a loud groan leaving his throat before you felt the hot splashes of his cum pumping inside you.
“That’s it baby, milk my cock. Such a good fucking girl for Daddy, gonna break you apart everyday on my cock until you never forget who you belong too.”
He didn’t pull out immediately, his cum plugged inside you as some seeped out, rolling down the crevice of your ass below you. Your eyes shut, gentle pants leaving your lips as you felt Simon’s absence before a soft cloth was wiped gently across your sex and masculine arms were gripping onto you, carrying you into the guest room before engulfing you into a thrill of heat, Simon’s chest against your back as you fell asleep.
TAGLIST: @kiiwiipie @nijiru
Disclaimer: im sorry if this is disappointing im super tired :(((
#evilgwrl#call of duty x reader#141 x reader#ghost smut#simon riley#ghost#ghost x reader#simon ghost riley#simon ghost x reader#simon ghost smut#simon riley x female reader#simon riley fluff#simon riley angst#simon riley x you#simon riley smut#simon riley x reader#simon ghost riley fanfiction#simon ghost#ghost call of duty#ghost cod#simon ghost x you
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