#anxiety sucks ass and I hate it
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Cat had mandatory vet appointment today and while everything seems fine she had to get mandatory bloodwork done and as usual my anxiety has decided that it is mandatory to make me worry that my cat is secretly deathly ill.
fucking hell this is why I hate vet appointments all my pets are getting old and my brain is full of dread blergh
#ramblings#bit of a vent post#knock on wood frenchfry’s been acting normal and she even attacked the vet while getting her shots#which is a good thing because it means she hasn’t lost her old edge#but of course#brain must worry because brain don’t work like neurotypical brain#bloodwork always does this to me. I worried like hell when I got bloodwork done for a job last year (it was fine)#I worry when one of my parents has to get bloodwork done (so far so good)#and of course my cat#the dog hasn’t had it done as far as I know#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#the only possible issue with my cat that the vet is concerned about is a potential thyroid problem#a treatable one mind you#which is why she had bloodwork done#tw: vent#anxiety sucks ass and I hate it
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Presentation done!!! The birds are singing, sun is shining, life has meaning again etc. That was the last shitty thing for my bachelor’s degree; it’s smooth sailing from here (only writing & coding and nothing too scary/social)
#idk how it went#like yea my voice was shaking somewhat but that’s just something that can’t be helped#I did get like lot of post-presentation conversation & questions which bodes good things#like that u’ve been clear enough that ppl got out of it enough to form questions & opinions#but I also kind of think that might’ve been like pity-interest bc it was clear I was anxious as hell#anyways however it went it’s done and I’m taking the rest of the day off guilt-free#also again I discovered that the best thing for anxiety is to do the things that makes u wanna die and I hate that#bc like if I had another presentation tmrw I’d get it done sm better bc got less anxiety rn#but ohmygod doing those things sucks ass#april 2024#2024
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I do gotta say that I'm glad I have the privilege of parents supportive of me not wanting kids and being sterilized on top of having reproductive choices in general, I've talked about it with them before. At first as a teen and young adult they were the standard "Probably wait to see if you change your mind before anything permanent but you know yourself better than anyone else" reaction
but aside from me being firmly in the same camp since I was like 3 (I despised being around babies even though I was like. 2 years older than them lol, even as a preschooler my ass was being overstimulated and grossed out by them), lacking a nurturing reaction to them beyond the baseline "is this child safe? Do they need help? They are fine? Okay," and me not so subtly telling my mom if I was the sole parent to a kid I KNOW I would lose my mind and end up on the news and with a murder charge (assuming I didn't kill myself upon finding out) hence why I want to assure it never happens,
I think them watching way too many people we know have kids they don't want and the kids know it who then grow up to do the same thing and/or the bandaid baby did NOT save the relationship cemented that "YEAH WE'RE FINE WITH YOUR DECISION. PLEASE NONE OF THAT" attitude
#Mind you I don't HATE babies as people and whatnot they are just not compatible with me as a person and my sensory issues and mental state#I do not have parenting instincts nor the means and energy to raise a whole person I can barely take care of myself#also our genes suck ass#vena vents#not art#half joking suicide mention#I'm being so real when saying being sterile would reduce my anxiety and paranoia tenfold
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Daylight saving another tool used by the capitalists to keep us disoriented and confused
#you guys I think I might die today#I have a 5 hour job interview (they���re just that long now)#I think I’ll be fine because im overqualified what sucks is that im not. excited about this job in the least#I just need to leave my current team I hate it and I think they’re about to fire a bunch of people#and they will be fucked without me because they heaped a lot of work on me and the. just assumed I’d take it lol#and it’s the same fuck ass corporation just a different team 🔫I wish I could leave the corp but I’ve gotten nothing but rejections from out#anyway so after that I have to sit and stew in the anxiety of elections#I already voted absentee I am too scared to go to the polls#but I’ve been so anxious about the election#I keep thinking about my kid and feeling guilty#like what will her future look like if he wins#what will we do#idk so basically all this is combining to kill me via heart attack or something lol!!! maybe this will be my last post and I’ll just#drop dead at some point haha!!#I have to go look at a picture of Thanatos immediately to calm down#god just let me get thru this week I’ll pray whatever
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I hate having anxiety
#lila speaks#that's it that's the post#anxiety sucks ass#I hate feeling constant fear#just always in the background#always watching and waiting to prove itself right
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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me a week ago: i love my job!!
me now, after having a mid-year review that amounted to you’re doing an excellent job and you bring such a valuable perspective to our practice but i don’t have the ability to give you a raise right now but don’t worry bc i just hired a new CFO to try to figure out money so we can maybe give you a raise later this year: *breaks into a cold sweat as i crack open indeed dot com*
#like how have you hired FOUR new employees in the past year (two new providers a new admin assistant and now a CFO)#without having plans for people to level up?#also i have talked to a friend who got hired at a similar practice a few months after me and she’s already making way more than me!#and you know who else makes more than i do?#my 19yo nephew who didn’t even finish high school. to be fair he’s grinding way more than he should#but also so am i!!#my disabled ass is working 6-7 days/week almost every week and i can barely afford to LIVE in the city where i live!!!#anyway don’t mind me i’m only apartment hunting#while also knowing that my paycheck is about to be hundreds of dollars lighter every month bc my health insurance is about to kick in#right now it’s either looking like we are gonna have to live in the world’s shittiest apartment (not even in the nice part of the city) or#we might just have to find something outside the city. which would be farther from work and friends and everything#yes i am having a full mental breakdown every single day and it’s only gonna get worse bc i’m due to start pmsing any second now#and also my last day at my hospital job is this weekend#bc everyone (including my boss) has encouraged me to quit and focus on only the one job#so now that’s also at least a few hundred bucks more i won’t be making every month#godddddddd#i hate it here i hate it here#did you know? having a fulfilling job still sucks if you aren't fairly compensated???#this is also what happens when you are part of a hot girl profession where everyone else is married to husbands with tech jobs#so they don't have to worry about money like this#anyway anyway anyway#i have never had anxiety so high that i feel as if i might puke before and i used to have a panic disorder so this is a fun new experience#a nice cherry on top of the typical summer depression which is also beating my ass yet again!
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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my days of being 21 so far
disney and attempting alcohol (tiny amount) (fine)
exhausted
exhausted (work obligated socializing)
exhausted (stressing about finals and reading so much cars fic about it (sue me it’s good racing))
exhausted on campus (realizing i read too much fic about it and scrambling to stitch together a final presentation in 5 hrs
setting my expectations low lmao
#i hate group work our final poster sucks ass but she doesn’t think so and i don’t want to be mean#but it’s over with now ✌️ four more classes to go#my bday always coincides with lethal school anxiety. still better than the year i had standardized testing ON my bday
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tbh. tbqh. I'm exhausted of this "I may not want kids, but I don't want to kick babies in the head I swear!!" discourse. why are we women always expected to prove we're not monsters just bc we don't squee at babies. not wanting to drop kick a child just bc it yelled in public is kinda standard, even for ppl who don't particularly like kids. like, be honest, when was the last time you saw a child-free dude have to specify that he doesn't actually want to kick babies into moving traffic just bc he finds kids annoying
#I'm so fucking tired of seeing “I don't hate kids!!” posts#most ppl don't!#I'd rather push for spaces for women to be comfortable with saying “christ babies suck ass don't they”#than waste time and energy feeding this pointless baby-hating anxiety
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DAMN.
I am the actual most AWKWARD person alive.
UGGHHHHH WHY CAN'T I TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE I USED TO!!!!!
The field trip we went too was kinda fun, but the only thing I could think about was trying to talk to people better, not the cool prison itself T^T
#kinda hate myself ngl...#choco rambles#vent??? idk#I KEPT BUMPING INTO PEOPLE BUT NOBODY NOTICED???!??!??!#or maybe they thought that I was fucking weird but they didn't say anything...#SOCIAL ANXIETY SUCKS ASS WHY CAN'T I GO BACK TO ELEMENTARY...
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i love psychology classes i love this shit. because i know like everyything but i get to share my opinions on the reading and i LOVE having opinions
#text#i definitely have a bone to pick with a lot of the field of psychology/psychopathology/etc & how it can be stigmatizing & traumatizing etc#for people who are already struggling with complicated and often disabling conditions and circumstances. and brother i'm picking it.#one thing i do hate about where i am like academically is that i know SO MUCH abt these topics but since all my informaiton has been from#therapy or from my own research i AM missing like. key points that i dont really know about. & thge stuff i know is definitely biased#towards things i'm more interested in or things i've researched for myself. but that means i spend like 14 weeks of class alreadty knowing#everytrhing and 2 just fucking speedrunning some section of psychology i knoww nothing about. like neurowhatever stuff i dont#get much at all like the physical brain/biology stuff. i vaguely know what a neurotransmitter is and the frontal lobe is the thing that doe#doesnt stop developing at 25 but everyone thinks it does. and thats all ive really got#like i do definitely need portions of these entry level classes but also ughhhhh. i know what anxiety is sherrie#Also i dont plan on pursuing psychology for like a career atm i just do not think i could handle a lot of jobs int he field and again i#am fairly critical of the field . i don't know enough about like antipsych stuff to have an opinion on that but i know that psychiatrists#often suck ass! and it's great when they dont but they often do. i don't remember what i was saying here
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I agreed to meet up with someone for dinner and I just found out the whole polycule is coming.
#jeeeesuuuuuusssssssss. like I don’t even want to meet her let alone the throuple.#I didn’t know it was possible to come on too strongly platonically until now. chill please.#I’ve met her 1.5 times and get multiple daily messages and if I don’t answer I still get ‘HAI!!!’. I want to step in front of a bus this is#stressing me out so badly. I already said before I couldn’t meet. I said I couldn’t go to dinner. then I went to a local meet up and saw#her at the end of the table. I waved at sat at the other end but tried to not really engage. I feigned difficulty hearing over the din. she#started texting me. At the end she came up and was like ‘it’s too noisy here’ and I agreed and left then BEFORE I GET HOME I get a text#TELLING ME when she can go to dinner. I did not suggest we meet somewhere quieter.#she brought someone from the polycule with her to the event and they were just. so dejected and sullen and wouldn’t really acknowledge me#when she tried to introduce us at the start. why why why why. I don’t want to do this.#all because she asked about my sexuality and I got a little too open being glad to speak with another queer lady for like half an hour on#insta. if I could go back in time I would not have responded. this is just insane to me. I regret that so much this is going to suck ass.#my social anxiety is causing such a spiral right now.#it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. maybe I’ll have fun. I just hate getting spammed messages online and I hate meeting up other strangers.
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Things it feels like college is required for:
- job that isn't grocery store employee
- not wanting to kill yourself 24/7
- parent's respect and pride
- not being consumed by loneliness
#cicadas vent tag#sorry for venting so much lately. it might have to do with the fact i havent taken my anxiety meds in a while but im not sure#i just. shdjfhrje#i hate school#i know every teenager says that but its true i hate it here#homework sucks so much ass and i just really really dont wanna complete it#and i know thats such an ass excuse but it really does feel like stabbing myself over and over again#but if i dont ill get punished. and my gpa will drop#god i dont even know my gpa#it probably sucks ass#and with college's standards going up ive really got to buckle down this is the year that means something#if i dont get into app state i dont know what ill do#kill myself probably#at that point theres no point to me living
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i think my university fucking bit me wtf
#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain#i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason#but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor#and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people#and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me#why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick#things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school#ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim#i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts#that’s a whole other mess#tw vent#rose.txt
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but 😬🔫#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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