#antonio is so used not having to ask for it and just having people throw themselves at him

[theotherrookie]

"It could be the cold, or the fact that people used to gather around the fireplace and such. I might have some more books around you can check out, if you want."

She might as well offer, as well as take the chance to remark how vast her collection was just in case it wasn't clear yet.

"Well, I'd tell you I've been losing sleep over this, but that was already a lost cause before." she admitted, "I think what happened to Lucien made us all panic for a bit, which I guess was the point of what they did to him. I'm glad they didn't do the same to Russell. I don't think I could have dealt with the possibility of almost losing both."

She made sure not to mention the poor timing of it. They knew now that what Antonio had done was unrelated and she was more than willing to leave that behind already.

"It was an accident. We all eat stuff that messes with us sometimes and all that." Her blackened feathers seemed to confirm that. "You learned your lesson. And I think lunch could be fun. Food wouldn't be an issue, I think Willow mentioned testing synth-food at some point. We should be able to put together something for Bill too."

Even her mother would make an effort to join in. It was a lovely idea overall that actually brought a smile to Rook's face. That would be something to look forward to while they sorted things out and especially now that Rick was brought up. Simply asking about him was enough to make Rook uneasy.

"Well, seeing as we're throwing stuff at the wall as of now…" She shrugged, "He has sent hunters after me before and when they failed, he tried to recruit Lucien. It was so bad he was one of the reasons Lucien decided to give up on trying to kill me and Russell helped me out, so dad has plenty of reasons to target both."

And she had proof Rick still got up to nonsense, even while he wasn't going after her specifically.

"And I'd be going there for another reason as well. It depends entirely if you're up for it, though. Dad really isn't pleasant to be around."

"Oh, it's actually the opposite for me. It's like that for all of us, actually. Our powers basically renew every Winter Solstice." Rook explained, "I should start feeling a bit a few days before my birthday."

She was looking forward to that more than usual with everything that was going on. Hopefully, they would figure this mess out before the stress of organizing the celebrations added itself to the rest.

"Well, I couldn't resist." Rook replied with a grin, "And it was the only nice moment of that shitty evening. I think that and this breakfast are the only nice notes in this whole mess...the company too."

Rook's wings twitched at that, betraying her apprehension towards the situation. It was difficult to keep up the brave act while those she cared about were getting hurt or fighting each other.

"I know I miss sitting at the table with others. Mum hangs around sometimes, but she can't eat." She set the phone down once both messages were sent and eagerly dug in. "Well, Lucien wouldn't say no to that. He loves getting spoiled."

She clearly didn't mind either. Rook wasn't lying about having more of an appetite.

"I'm glad you two are getting along, though. There's enough going on with those weirdos who are after us as is... Which brings me to the next suspect on my list."

There was another twitch as Rook looked up.

"It might be a good time to check on my dad."

[renonv]

These gay bitches be plotting and rotting on my mind help

[franciskirkland-deleted]

APH South Italy/Romano Headcanons 🇮🇹

(SFW, Spamano/RomaSpa centric)

He wears a lot of jewelry, but it's classy never flashy. Several rings, one of which is engraved with an 'A' for Antonio. Usually wearing at least a solid gold chain and a crucifix.

He's very Catholic, in a uniquely Italian way (iykyk i cannot elaborate)

He smokes like a chimney, high quality cigars and cheap cigarettes. If you ask him to put it out he will blow it right at you. This is on top of heavy cologne (Versace Eros) so you can smell him from a mile away.

Certified Short King™, maybe around 5'7? I can see him with almost any sort of physique, that being said I don't think he's a twink, he at least has some wiry strength. He's lean but solidly built, maybe even has some pudge esp as he ages?

He's very warm toned. His skin is a light olive, not pale yet not quite bronze. He tans well but isn't tan all year round. Honestly he probably uses tanning beds during winter lmao

He's got a fair amount of body hair and often leaves his shirts unbuttoned to display this, intentionally or not. He's a sharp dresser when out in public, but at home he sits around in sweat stained tanks and boxers.

He loves his red wine, and apertifs. Grappa or Sambuca for something a stronger. Doesn't mind the taste of hard liquor at all. Definitely holds his alcohol better than his brother or Antonio.

Loves sailing and yachting, leisure sports. Has a bit of a gambling habit. Not to a destructive point, just in good fun.

When he's in a good mood he hums to himself and you might even catch him singing if he thinks he's alone.

Dances to Dean Martin in the kitchen with Antonio. He actually likes cooking together. Normally he'd be the type of person to hate others in his space while doing something, but Toni is an equally talented chef so he allows it.

Makes a big pot of sauce and polpette on Sundays. Italians will know. Eats wayyyy too much meat than is healthy. You can pry his salumi out of his cold dead hands.

He's sensitive and not always rational - the type to make mountains out of molehills and deflect real issues with humour. Explosive temper. Born to argue. Quick to throw insults (and hands). Just as quick to forgive and forget. If he holds a grudge you really fucked up.

If he likes you, he'll tease you and call you names. If he doesn't, he won't bother to talk to you much. He likes to fuck with people to an extent but has little patience for unnecessary conversation.

He can be extremely condescending; and to Tonio exclusively, extremely sweet. He's a smooth talker and romantic when he feels like it, laying on the pet names and sweet nothings, especially when he wants something in return.

He's honest and loyal, but generally a very private person. It's difficult to earn his trust and get on his good side but once you have it you're one of the lucky few. He's hospitable and generous and often does that for show. Loves to give meaningful and lavish gifts. If he cares about someone not only will they be spoiled in a material sense, but he'll do favors for them to make their life easier.

(note: this might be controversial re; accuracy but i don't actually have beef with his canon human name. 'lovino isn't a real name' well yes and no. it's not common or representative. but there's so much variety in italian naming that it certainly could be a first name. according to forebears there are 259 ppl named lovino on record but only 9 are in italy lol. or u could just call him ~romano~ which is a more popular human first name. i kinda like lovino, its unique.)

[rosemarytales]

The Madrigals and Anxiety

so, I think it's not a controversial statement to say that anxiety runs in the family... what I find oddly cute is that a lot of nervous ticks or outbursts are very similar to those of other family members, but let's proceed with order.

Alma, Isabela

Alma had it hard. I think homegirl is the culprit, but she probably had an anxious gene in her before everything.

do we need to explain what her anxiety looks like? absolute perfectionism to the point of insanity so people won't turn on her, constantly making Bruno check the future for possible dangers, self-soothing behaviours (asking Pedro for help, wearing the mourning shawl), always needing to keep a watchful eye on everyone, you name it.

The perfectionism moved straight through to Isabela. There's a whole song about not meeting expectations, so I don't think I need to go fruther into it.

Pepa

Pepa is another obvious one. Her anxiety is palpable throughout most of the movie and it is, unlike her mum, mostly related to things that are not life-or-death situations (Antonio's party needing to be perfect).

She is constantly seen spiralling and using self-soothing rituals (hair touching, "clear skies"), often to no avail.

Her mood swings and irritability outbursts are also proof of anxiety.

Bruno

Before you come at me!! He clearly has OCD... It's in the script so it was meant like this. And I know people say he was just superstitious, but I come from a very superstitious culture and it's not like that 😭

I can prove it!!

Throwing salt. It is usually done after you have spilled it. Bruno had not spilled any salt before the throwing over the shoulder. It is an act that is meant to cancel bad luck from an extremely specific action that he had not done.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock on wood. You are supposed to knock twice, say it once, only after someone has said something good you don't wanna jinx or bad you wanna prevent. Bruno hasn't been talking to anyone in 10 years, it's just a ritual to him at this point OR it's a reaction to his own thoughts. Superstitious people don't do things based on their thoughts: that's OCD. Also the number of knocks and the one on the head is oddly specific and not related to any superstitious beliefs as far as I'm aware.

Fingers crossed. Again, you do that when you are hoping for something good, but nothing happened he might want to cross his fingers for, it's just another ritual. Also, all of these rituals are kind of contradicting each other (hoping for something/trying to prevent something), he's just trying to bring as much good luck as possible.

I'm not saying he is not superstitious, he very much is, but his superstition pathologized to the point of becoming an illness. This is not how someone who's simply superstitious acts.

He also has a generally nervous attitude and lots of self-soothing movements, like the rubbing his arm we'll get to later.

The only other explanation could be that he thinks he is the bad luck, but that still does not explain things like the crossed fingers.

Julieta, Camilo, Mirabel

They don't look like they struggle a lot with anxiety (I am only talking about the actual condition, not genuine worry that has a reason of being like Casita breaking or not receiving a gift). They are all very accustomed to dealing with anxious family members though and they are good at it.

Mirabel is probably the more anxious among the three, but she is also an incredible supporter for Toñito, who's not getting his own section simply because his fear was very much justified, but for a literal 5yo his anxiety shows great promise of becoming just like his mum's.

Honourable mention in this section goes to Félix and Agustìn, we stan some supportive husbands and fathers.

Luisa

My baby. The first time we see her as being relevant plot-wise is literally because her eye was twitching. Her character arc is learning to chill. I rest my case.

Dolores

Now, Dolores is a bit trickier, because she is not as loud as the rest of her family. She does always seem to be extremely on edge though and she is often doubting herself (she stopped believing someone was in the walls despite hearing Bruno for 10+ years because they told her it was not possible).

I don't know whether it's canon or if I've read too much fanfiction, but her room is supposed to have some degree of soundproofing, that she doesn't use because she needs to hear if her family needs help (Luisa's eye twitch).

Finally...

The similar twitches and anxious responses

The arm-rub of Luisa and Bruno (+ supportive sisters <3<3<3<3<3)

The hand movement while screaming, like mother like daughter

[gamerbearmira]

bh6 au bh6 au bh6 au!!! AHUAHSF but heya, hope you're doing well, and we dont have a specific name for this au yet, mayhaps we can find one but yesyes bh6 au!! (i am going insane /lh) me is attempting to write rn hehe <3

BH6 AU💪💪💪

It’s so cool, me and the asker have been working on it <333 instead of gifts, they specialize in certain tech and stuff 🗿

Basically Pedro is there. And it’s Antonio’s presentation at the college (he’s still 5, they’re all prodigies and presented at 5, except Mirabel who presented a little later cause she hadn’t decided her science concentration yet 😭😭). Anyway, Pedro sacrifices himself to save Señora Guzmán and boom died.

Alma hid the project he was gonna show the family that he was working on for a long time: Baymax. Basically Mirabel and the grandkids find him and he’s chill, helping them grieve and stuff. The pressure for this au is Alma taking Pedro’s saying “someone has to help” as the family needed to use their tech and intelligence around the city to help other people. And never expand on their tech. Always the same thing.

Anyway, here’s their sciences (all the Madrigals, including the husbands + Alma and Oedro are like. Literal prodigies, mostly in science, but other stuff 🤧):

Fields of Study:

pedro - robotics

alma - forensic engineering

-------

julieta - health sciences

agustin - language and literature

pepa - meteorology

felix - sociology and music

bruno - physics

-------

isabela - botany

dolores - acoustics

luisa - kinesiology

camilo - neuroscience

mirabel - psychology

antonio - zoology

—————

There’s so much more about this au but like. That’s the gist of it <333 if you guys have any ideas LET US KNOWWWWW ‼️‼️‼️ the adults actually later becomes hero’s and funnily enough they’re all hiding it from each other and Alma is entirely clueless 😭😭

Well, the grandkids become super cool heros and obviously Baymax is there (I didn’t draw him YET 💀) and here are their designs <333 COLOR COMING TO TUMBKR DASH NEAR YOU📸📸

Here’s their tech and stuff:

Isabela, maybe something similar to Honey Lemon, but she uses the chemicals of different plants that has different (non lethal) effects? She throws pollen pods like honey lemon does and whatever plants she makes all disappear after a certain amount of time or something, oh and her vines she uses to swing ofc, they're very durable. CARBON FIBER VINES ❗❗

Dolores, maybe she uses soundwaves and sounds in general, and uses something similar to a giant megaphone and speaks; does a lot of knockback.

Luisa, I feel like she would have attachable enhancements, kinda like gauntlets and boots that allow her to further utilize her strength and stamina etc etc

Camilo, maybe his tech tricks the mind, lots of illusions and stuff, and he definitely has a camouflage suit, so he's good for stealth and sneaking up on enemies. He might also go beyond from just people, might even have animals and objects too since its really illusion (mayhaps an upgrade later down the line in their endeavor) Ohhh, a upgrade would be really good and show how he (and the others) develop his tech further

Mirabel’s tech works with Baymax, so it's pretty similar to Hiro's, though I think she would be a jack of all trades as well. Also mentioned in what i wrote that she has a bag of tech goodies (inspired by her good ol bag in canon and also that one ask i saw about her magic bag)

Antonio, like I said before, uses robot animals. He builds them and sends then out, controlling them maybe via a headset similar to the microbots, and the animals have cameras so he can see what they see. I think maybe when he builds P.A.R.C.E (the giant robot jaguar; a.k.a Precision Automated Robotic Companion Entity) the other grandkids will let him go out to battle. Also lets him be at the final battle.

Still working on the adults 🤭🤭🤭

[oumaheroes]

Hellooo!!! I love love loveee your work. I fell in love with ur FrUK fics (esp stargazing and the Grace of forgetting) before your btt fics. I rlly rlly rlly love your headcannons as well.

So I was wondering what you’d think of a fic where Antonio and Gilbert are secretly following Francis on his date with Arthur (maybe they’re doing some silly shenanigans, or trying to wingman Francis but it goes wrong, or maybe they’re just going to use whatever content they get for blackmail later) hehehehe tysm!! I really love your writing!

Thank you, Anon! ;u; I'm glad you like my work

I'm afraid I couldn't give you the exact silly fic you asked for but I don't see Francis needing a wingman at all, or being possible to blackmail with his exploits. He's too confident in himself and with his choices and his friends know this

Have a quick drabble of a failed pick up attempt, however

----------------------------

‘How much.’

‘Tenner.’

‘Tenner?’

Gilbert shrugs, ‘I bet a tenner.’

Antonio shakes his head and takes a sip of his drink, ‘Waste of money.’

‘Ten pounds isn’t a lot.’

‘It is if you’re throwing it away.’

‘Don’t offer to bet on something so stupid then.’

They both watch Francis up at the bar. From their table they can’t see much of him- the pub is crowded and he’s well covered by the huddle of thirsty and already rowdy patrons waiting to be served. But they can see his face well enough, with his easy smile and low lidded eyes turned towards someone on his right. It’s just his profile, but it’s enough. The look is one they’ve seen him wear many times before.

His target, a thin blond man next to him, is frowning at him, dark eyebrows drawn low with the threat of a sneer.

Antonio waggles his drink, consideringly, ‘Maybe.’

Gilbert grins, ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ Antonio reaches out his glass towards Gilbert, ‘Tenner says he fails.’

‘Tenner says he takes him home.’

‘Deal.’

Gilbert clinks his glass against Antonio’s and they both drink. At the bar, the crowd of people part for just a moment to show Francis’ hand resting dangerously low down on the unknown man’s back. Antonio hisses and Gilbert laughs.

‘Might as well buy me a drink now and get it over with.’

‘They’re not home yet.’

‘They will be.’

‘You don-‘

There’s a sudden shout of alarm. Both turn their attention back to the bar in time to watch the crowd step back and reveal Francis clutching his nose, his face now one of thunder. The blond he was talking to shoves him and Francis shoves him back, blood dribbling freely down his top lip. The crowd closes around them again, nearby men grabbing them to haul them apart as others shout and hurriedly step back.

‘Shit.’

Antonio raises an eyebrow and looks at Gilbert in askance, ‘Should we help?’

Gilbert finishes his drink, ‘Nah. We deserve to enjoy it sometimes.’

Antonio laughs and pushes across his leftover chips to Gilbert in offering, jerking his head towards the mess at the bar. Francis is shouting something, his French too quick for Gilbert to translate, ‘That doesn’t mean anything though, does it. He might still get him.’

Gilbert thinks back to all of the times he’s come home to find Francis in bed with a stranger, and all the other times he’s found him with people whom he claims to hate. Francis always likes a challenge and this blond stranger was a challenge indeed. Gilbert gets the feeling too that the man, whilst shouting and gesticulating wildly in response to whatever it was that Francis said, oddly seems to be enjoying himself.

Gilbert sighs and picks at Antonio’s paltry offering.

‘I’m staying at yours tonight.’

‘It’ll cost you a tenner.’

‘Fuck you.’

[themultifandomgal]

Will Halstead- The Truth Always Comes Out Pt2

3rd Person POV

Still unable to move YN lay there at the bottom of the stairs all night. Did Ryan throw down a blanket for her? No. By the time morning rolls around Ryan laughs stepping over her and going to 'work' whatever or wherever that may be. YNs phone rings, but the pain in her ribs won't allow her to move. Tears roll down her face, all she can think is that she's going to die if she doesn't get out of this relationship soon.

Throughout the next 2 hours YNs phone is consistently ringing, but then there's a knock on the door

"YN? YN you home?" Will shouts, not hearing from her all morning

"Will" YN tries to shout, but the pain makes her say his name quieter than she expected or even wanted. Will knows somethings not right. They had plans today and he's not heard from YN since last night, he also has his suspicions about Ryan possibly harming her since she came into Med with a burn. Still worried about YN Will looks through the windows around the house. He's able to make out a leg on the ground. Panic surges through him and he rings his brother.

Not even 15 minutes later and the whole of intelligence were at YNs address and so was an ambulance.

YN's POV

With tears running down my face due to pain, tiredness and anxiety, I hear my front door open

"YN?" Jay shouts running over to me, only allowing the tears to flow even more. Will, Gabby and Sylvie run in over to me "how long have you been here?"

"All night"

"Ok YN I need you to tell us what happened. Where are you hurt?" Gabby asks

"He pushed me" I cry out

"Who pushed you?"

"Ryan"

"Voight we've got a domestic case" Jay says into his radio

"My wrist hurts, my leg was hurting now it's numb. My chest hurts and my back"

"Ok let's get a neck stabiliser and get you on a back board" Sylvie says getting up and running to the ambulance outside with Gabby

"Once we're at the hospital and you've been assessed we will ask you some questions ok?"

"Yeah"

In no time at all I'm at the hospital. Turns out I have a broken wrist, broken leg and 3 broken ribs. I've had photos taken of all of my injuries and bruised

"Hey YN. Jay asked us to talk with you, said he's to close to the case. You ready to talk?" Adam walks into the room with Antonio

"Erm yeah, can Will stay?"

"Of course" Antonio gives me a small sad smile

"Let's start at the beginning shall we. Your relationship with Ryan, when did that start?"

"Er about 2 years ago. At first he was sweet, he was kind"

"When did that stop?" Adam frowns

"It didn't, well not straight away maybe 4 months in. It started off as little things"

"Like what?"

"Erm he didn't like me wearing certain clothes if he wasn't with me. He would tell me that certain people weren't nice and that he was looking out for me"

"When did thing escalate?" Antonio asks. I take in a deep breath

"Maybe a year in. He started staying out late, drinking more. It started off just being rough when we... ya know. Then it would be pushing me out of the way. Then maybe 5 months ago things got more physical. He would slap me and trip me up"

"Yesterday you came in for a burn, correct?"

"Yeah"

"Can you tell me what happened?" Antonio asks. I look at Will apologetically

"Ryan was smoking in the house, he was drunk. I told him to be careful. He didn't like that so he put the cigarette out on my leg"

"I should have asked you yesterday about the burn. If I had maybe you wouldn't have been hurt" Will rubs his hands over his face

"This is neither of your faults. Now YN do you have any idea where he may have gone?"

"No. He said work, but he could have gone anywhere"

"Ok. I think that's all the information we need right now. If there's anything else you'd like to tell us don't hesitate to come by and speak to us"

"Thank you" Antonio and Adam leave the room. Leaving me alone with Will

"You should have told me what was happening. I could have helped you. Jay could have helped you"

"I was scared" I look down at my broken arm "I was scared if I told anyone that he would do worse. That he would kill me"

"He's not going to go anywhere near you now. I promise" Will takes my good hand in his and gives it a little squeeze "I know that this probably isn't the best time to tell you, but I love you YN. I have for years, I lost my chance telling you when you started dating Ryan, but I'm not loosing my chance now" shocked is an understatement because I had no idea my best friend had the same feelings I did

"I only dated him to hide my feelings for you, but I need time Will"

"I know I understand, but I'm going to be here for you every step of the way work your recovery" I give Will hand a little squeeze. Maybe once I'm ready we can go on a first date together.

[tonydaddingham]

Crowley refusing to build meaningful bonds with humans in the show while Aziraphale seems to have a lot of them just reminds me of how there's only one human I can remember Crowley explicitly having been close to? In both the book and the show he owns the original sketch of the Mona Lisa and it's signed with a handwritten note from Leonardo da Vinci referring to Crowley as his "dear friend Antonio". And Crowley helped with his design for the flying machine and told him about helicopters. Meanwhile fandom jokingly has a list going around of all the historical figures Aziraphale has been "close" with. Makes me think that S3 might explore Crowley's connection to humans in more depth, since we haven't really seen it like we have with Aziraphale, and he now insists on NOT getting to know them.

hi anon, sorry im only getting your ask now!!!✨ this has definitely made me ponder this element of crowley a little bit closer, because yeah - to my mind, you're absolutely right.

aziraphale is shown as having issues with sudden, unplanned, out-of-field change that throws him for a loop. crowley is more fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, able to deal with making quick decisions and makes even quicker actions. and this is largely true, if you go by certain events given to us in the narrative (eg. aziraphale's reaction to the kiss, vs crowley coming up with the plan to go up to heaven).

however, i think it goes a little deeper, and is actually sometimes the other way around when it comes to things ending. aziraphale understands that some things are finite, that they have their time, and has made his peace with it. crowley however needs stability and consistency because seismic shift is scary, and disruption to the status quo means that what he has might be taken from him.

crowley didn't appear to give any thought what happened to dalrymple, but makes the offhand comment he does about not getting close to humans, when learning that dalrymple committed suicide. crowley reacted arguably way more emotionally to armageddon than aziraphale did, and was visibly panicking when confessing his feelings to aziraphale. the angel-who-crowley-was similarly was dismayed at - what felt to him ("that's nothing!") - the brief time in which his creations would be destroyed. and we can surmise pretty reliably his initial reaction to his sentence, and the immediate emotional aftermath, of when he fell. crowley cannot handle change, because each time a fundamental change has been threatened, he has lost something he holds close to his heart.

the double-edged sword in that is that crowley is - as you remarked - drawn to a handful (if even that many) of people that provide that stability and consistency. but he is lonely. going by the da vinci example, he forms relationships with humans because it feeds what i imagine is the hole left in him from the fall. da vinci was alive a fair while before - as i perceive it - he formed any truly deep connection with aziraphale (for me, 1601). is da vinci therefore an instance where crowley, in his loneliness, sought out a friendship (?) with someone who pondered the universe, who was fascinated and captivated by the stars, as much as crowley did and was?

but everything has its end; da vinci certainly did. so is it around this time that crowley realises that whilst he keeps going, is condemned to eternity, everything else withers and dies, and leaves him as lonely as he was before? is this when he looks to the only being that he knows also has that longevity, a being he has history with and actually may provide true constancy? a being that, for all intents and purposes, never seems to change?

that may well be the case, and to give his reach to aziraphale legitimacy, he comes up with the arrangement. continues through the next few centuries, but didn't bargain for actually falling in a completely different way? and all of it to be swept away as soon as he tries to reach out for the true consistency, an equilibrium, that would possibly allow him to heal that ache in his chest, the loneliness that he's jealously guarded because there was never anything or anyone else who could ever fill it? all swept away with a comment that meant something completely different, but to crowley only put him back exactly where he started?

"nothing lasts forever."

thank you for the unexpected meta prompt, anon!!!✨💕

[bau-drabbles]

Hotch loosing the reader because he's too stubborn and when she goes he breaks down? Sorry this is my time asking i hope it made sense 😅😅

it made perfect sense! i did slightly adjust it though. pretend for the sake of the plot him and his brother don't get along :)

also rushed cause its more of a drabble than a fic and its very mild angst. i hope you enjoy 🤍

too many nights

"you don't trust me like i trust you" you both walked in to his home, after what was supposed to be a nice day out. it was just the two of you, jack was at his aunts for the weekend. and you thought you would be able to finally have some relaxing time and get together with him, just to finally be able to be a real couple.

you forget, however, that sometimes not everything plans out the way you wished.

"can you blame me?? everytime i let you out of my sight you run to sean! who knows what bullshit he's been filling your head with!" aaron takes his jacket off, throwing it to the side of the couch. it was like his blood was boiling in the inside just at the mere thought of him being with you, making him laugh like he does. touching you with the hands that have caressed every woman in san antonio. he could've physically throw hands at his brother, that was how much he was absolutely consumed by his rage.

more specifically though, it was his insecurities that clouded his mind, unable to allow him to see a clear judgement. and you were so tired of it, every week there seemed to be a new trouble arising.

deep down, he didn't fully allow you in his heart and it stung everytime he would believe the other person over you. it stung that while he occupied your soul, you were merely a thought floating in his head when he remembered.

"you would know if you would just ask! god, it's like you've already formed a narrative of who i am. and everytime i do something that challenges that narrative, you chalk it up to a lapse in judgement-" he interrupts you, a sneer on his lips. you've never seen him so angry at you before.

"please y/n 'challenging the narrative' is just a fancy way of saying you act like a complete dumbass" his tone is cold, his words hitting you like bullets. you remain silent for a second, stunned at what he uttered to you. this was the same man you adored with every part of your heart, the same man who swore to you he'd never let your heart see another bad day, the same man who said he would ease your troubles and worries.

and now he was doing the very opposite of what he promised

"so that's what you think of me" your voice is notably shaky, quieter this time. his face splits into pain for a slight second before he fixed into a stoic mask. like the ones he uses on other people, not on you his supposed lover. though standing here, opposite him it seems that maybe you've overestimated how much you meant to him.

"you know, i've made mistakes but at least i've owned up to them. yeah i fucked up by not explaining to you that i have never once, ever sought sean out-" he shakes his head, narrowing his eyes at you.

"i'm not the bad guy here" he curls his hand into fists, his glare immovable as he stares you down. his tone was warning, not wanting to delve into the matter tonight. but if not now, when? when would be the final straw?

"neither am i!" you try to calm your racing heart but the longer you both keep at this, you feel yourself beginning to break under his words.

"you keep telling yourself that. then the day you find out who the real enemy, it'll hurt that much more" he snarls, turning his back to you. he goes to his alcohol until he hears a scoff fall from your lips, feeling the familiar sting of tears watering in your eyes. was this how every fight between the two of you was going to be fixed everytime? him not listening to a word you say, instead going off on a rampage?

"do you know what my biggest fuck up has been? opening up to you. because everytime i do, i get this.... horrible version of you," you wipe away your tears with the back of your hand, leaning against the work surfaces. he's stopped in his tracks, his heart plummeting all the way to the floor. slowly he turns to face you but you're looking at your feet, recalling all the times you both shared together. every sweet moment melted your heart but was that enough? he could say horrible things, things he rarely meant and then apologise as if they held no weight. and it was a pattern you noticed and tried not to take to heart but it make hearing it any better.

the walls that you and hotch had so painstakingly chipped away were beginning to form again. no matter how many times you removed them, if he remained cold then they would inevitably form again.

perhaps that was what he wanted, always to keep you as an option. never allowing you too close, just something he could appreciate from afar.

you had always thought of aaron as a calm and collected person but until he had fully trusted you, these problems were only going to repeat themselves again and again. how much longer could you stand your own heart breaking before it was fully gone? realisation dawns upon your features, part of you realises that perhaps you never knew him as well as you thought you did. if this was the true aaron hotchner, you were left alone. this wasn't the man you desired.

and though it pained so very heavily, it was better than to hold onto something that wasn't there.

"i won't make that mistake again" his face has paled significantly, blinking as if to catch up with your words. you pick up your jacket, hugging it close to your body. taking one last look at him, you feel your eyes water. all the words he says is a cold reminder of how he feels, everytime he found a way to make you feel so indescribably sad. he reaches out but before he could touch you, you make your way to his door and leave.

there wasn't any mile long enough that could be placed between the two of you

"wait y/n.." he feels breathless, trying to hold you but you're gone. the smell of your perfume slaps him out of his trance and it all but breaks him into small pieces.

he falls to the floor, hands on his knees to try and collect his bearings. but the visions come and go, all he can hear and see is your beautiful face breaking in pain. pain that he caused you, pain he swore you'd never feel.

his heart was racing, unlike him because he usually had a good control over his emotions. but you turned his world upside down, made him realise that life was so much more than he could've ever known. and that was what scared him, his heart that was so used to being guarded was being broken down.

it was your laugh that punctured holes in his resolve, it was your smile that dissolved his perfectly created barriers, the small sounds you made when you were sleeping melted

his heart wasn't used to love, especially not after haley. he didn't know how to be in love, how to act. it was all a foreign concept and while he was still learning the foundation, he feared that now it was too late to repair any damage.

he knew the hurt he had caused you, all of it and yet he stayed glued to the floor. unable to move. the familiar feeling of dread settled deep within his bones, he couldn't control this situation. and that was what scared him the most.

he didn't even realise he was crying until they dripped to the floor, soaking his trousers. he absolutely despised how he treated you, how he let those tears fall and those words be said in a fit of rage.

maybe he just wasn't a good person. a good person wouldn't do this to someone they loved. he always helped people but he couldn't apply any of that to his personal life. he couldn't help you, he couldn't help himself. he couldn't treat you like you deserved to be treated. he couldn't for once, be happy for you instead of letting his emotions and insecurities come in the way.

with every poisoning thought, he felt himself slip further and further away from reality. he deserved it, the pain, the numbness, the anguish.

he deserved it all

[rjkingofdirewolwes]

This morning I woke up hoping to hear that the United States was welcoming its first female president. Then, I could have gone on with my day with peace of mind.

Obviously, the human race isn’t satisfied unless it disappoints me at least once a week.

I want to make it clear that I don’t blame Trump or his voters, with some exceptions for the latter, which I’ll list below. The first is a puppet on the brink of senility. The others were doing what they thought was right.

I blame Obama, Biden, and the FBI or whoever for not dealing with him when it was clear he was a danger to himself and everyone around him. Especially in the four years that separated the previous election from this just-concluded one.

I blame his family for not running away with as much money as they could grab after dumping him in a random nursing home.

I blame his LGBTQ and ethnic minority voters. You all knew; he made it very clear he sees you as dirt under his feet at best, and as subhuman at worst.

I blame myself and those who wrote in favor of Kamala on Tumblr or other sites, making me believe that this time sanity would prevail.

I blame everyone who demonized the Democratic Party as much as possible * laughs* But after all, we did the same; we probably overreached, and they paid us back in kind.

I blame everyone who didn’t show up to vote. I understand that some of you had your reasons, but I hope you’re not complaining now, and that, seeing the blood on your hands, you learn the lesson as we wait for 2028.

I blame everyone who is trying to exploit the cult around Trump for their own selfish ends, with Putin at the top of the list (and I also blame anyone who had him within range of a gun or knife during his KGB days and didn’t free us from his presence).

And I blame COVID for not having claimed more victims. If we had seen mountains of corpses like during the Black Plague, or effects like those of Polio, maybe some people would still remember the lesson from 2020.

I can say with complete certainty that right now Rosa Parks, Roosevelt, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Peppino Impastato( for those Who don't know him, search the movie ' I cento passi'), Antonio Gramsci, and so many others (including the grandparents and other relatives of many who will be reading this and who, barely a century ago, fled to America to escape Mussolini and Hitler) must be turning in their graves in utter disgust. If I were you, I’d prepare for an invasion of thoroughly outraged zombies.

That said, I ask to my relatives overseas and to those I’ve met online who have earned my respect (particularly members of the LGBTQ community) to keep holding on and fighting with everything you’ve got. DO NOT let that legislative monstrosity known as Project 2025 pass, because it would become an excuse for every bully in a suit to call all the shots.

In just the last twenty years, you’ve gone from having to hide to being an integral part of society in almost every corner of the world. No one, especially Trump and his acolytes/masters, have the right to throw away your progress.

I also hope that my grandfather (93 years old and still in relatively good health) holds on until the next election. If he dies while Trump is in office, I will curse the universe for as long as I live.

But to be honest, I’m already doing that. If reincarnation exists, I hope that in my next life, I am neither on this planet nor a human being.

I’m done with this insignificant speck of dust and with that Evolutionary failure that we are.

[acewithapaintbrush]

I’d love to see your take on Bruno explaining to the kids that he’s perfectly content without a partner and kids of his own, maybe because they’re (lovingly) pestering him about it or trying to set him up.

(I sent this prompt to sokkas recently as well, but what can I say I’m greedy and curious to see two of my fave writers’ takes on the same prompt. As a treat.)

-gvr :D

Well @sokkas-first-fangirl already did an amazing job, I hope mine will keep up

****

"Tonito. We need to talk." 

Antonio ducks his head. He knows that tone of voice from his Mama. She uses that one when he's done something he shouldn't have done. The 'you are not in trouble but you kinda are' tone. Cami taught him how to recognize it and what to do to get back out of trouble. 

He immediately presses his hands together, makes his eyes go big and round and purses his lips. Exactly like Camilo has taught him. 

"I love you, I'm sorry and I will never do it again." 

Tio Bruno stares down at him with a puzzled look on his face. For a second Antonio is scared that Cami's trick isn't working, but then Bruno's shoulders, which had been up to his ears with tension, loosen up and his lips pull into a reluctant smile. 

"Do you even know what it is you will never do again?" 

Antonio opens his mouth and pauses. "No." 

Tio Bruno finally laughs and Antonio's heart feels a little lighter. Something about his uncle being cross with him is even worse than when it is his Mama. Maybe because it's so difficult to make Bruno angry in the first place. He must have done something truly bad. 

Antonio fidgets with the edges of his vest and only stops when he feels a large, calloused hand gently card through his hair. 

"I'm not angry, Tonito." His uncle instinctively knows exactly what to say to make him feel better. Bruno always claims that he is not good with other people, but Antonio secretly thinks that other people are just not good with Tio Bruno. "I really just want to talk."

"Okay?"

Bruno sits down on the ground and gestures to Antonio to join him. He probably didn't expect the little boy to plop down on his lap, but doesn't push him off either. "You told me Senora Lorna wanted to speak to me. That she needed help with something." 

"Yes."

"But apparently, Senora Lorna didn't need help. She thought it was a…" He clears his throat. "She thought we would be going on a date."

"Did it work?" Antonio asks excitedly. "I read about it in a book. I sent you two on a cute visit." 

"Meet cute." Bruno corrects absent-mindedly. "And no, Tonito. We didn't go on a date." 

"But I thought you like her." 

"I do. As a friend." Bruno sighs and he is really serious all of a sudden. "Tonito, Senora Lorna was really embarrassed. And also a bit sad. It was not nice to lie to her like that." 

Antonio can feel himself tearing up. "I didn't mean to make her sad! I just wanted to help." 

Bruno pulls him closer. "I know. And she knows that too, don't worry. Just please don't do something like this again, okay?" 

"Okay." Antonio sniffles some more. He feels really bad, but he just wanted to make his uncle happy. "I just wanted to help you", he repeats. 

Bruno sighs again. Antonio can't see his face because he is still pressed against his chest, but it sounds kinda sad. "I know, amigo." 

The little boy pushes away so he can look up at his uncle. "Who do you like?" 

Bruno smirks and bops his nose. "I like you, you little troublemaker." 

Antonio giggles and squirms away. "No! Not like that. Who do you like like. Like Mama likes Papa."

"No one." 

"No one?" Antonio shouts. He thought everyone like liked someone. Even Isabela like likes that girl from the village even though she is always denying it and throwing cacti at Mirabel when her sister teases her about it. Mama told him he doesn't like like anyone yet cause he's still too young. "Are you still too young for that?" 

Bruno blinks a few times. He looks like he really needs to think about it. "That's a new one." he mutters under his breath. "I have never liked someone like your parents like each other. Pretty sure I never will." 

"But why?" 

Bruno shrugs. "There are many different kinds of people on this earth, buddy. Some want something like what your parents have, or something like Isa and her mystery girl. They want to get married and have a lot of children. And some don't want any of that at all. Like me."

"But aren't you lonely?" 

Bruno smiles softly and rests his head atop Antonio's. "Oh no. How could I ever be lonely with all of you around? I have everything I will ever need, Tonito. Don't worry about your old tio." 

Antonio kind of gets it. And if Tio Bruno says he's okay and happy, then Antonio will believe him. 

And anyway, this way he can have his Tio all to himself. That's so much better than a new Tia. 

"I'll draw a picture for Senora Lorna. As an apology."

"That's a great idea!" 

"Will you help me?" 

Cami has said that you can also use the big eyes and pouty lips for situations like this. It seems to be working, because Bruno laughs and ruffles his hair. 

"Of course!" 

[helianskies]

reflecting on my 2023 in this fandom, i wanted to share some observations, reflections and projections for 2024. it's a little mix of positive and negative stuff so, and as this will be something mostly only mutuals will read (if at all), i just wanted to give you that heads up. i have some bits to get off my chest.

so, to start with, some little observations about myself as a writer:

i tag it 'nationverse' because i don't tend to write nationverse (the odd bit of historical, but not consistently), and i think it's useful to signpost to my readers 'oh btw they are actually nations in this one, in case that's not what you want to read today'. that is okay.

i will always call it 'engspa' to distinguish it from 'spuk' because i have a preferred dynamic for them and i grew up in a fandom space that tagged things as such to help readers know what they were getting into. that is okay.

i prefer having a ficlet collection to posting small works separately because it helps me manage my fics, see what i have and haven't done, navigate my profile, keep the request fics in one place, and maintain my drive to write small things compared to posting them all separately. that is okay.

i block people in order to curate my online enviroment, to avoid topics or content i'm not interested in or that i don't want to be in my happy space, and to manage my own emotions - and i am allowed to do so. that is okay.

i don't like every ship under the sun and so won't fulfil every request or suggestion i receive into my inbox, no matter how many times i am asked to. that is okay.

i just feel a need to address these things that have cropped up in my year. at a few points i've felt like a 'bad writer' for doing certain things or have been made to feel like a 'bad writer' for... essentially having preferences. at various points i lost confidence and contemplated throwing the towel.

thing is, we all do things differently, and we all have our own systems, preferences, and needs. i wish we'd stop putting each other down for that.

while i don't doubt my insecurities won't shift much next year, in 2024, i'll be in my eighth year writing. that feels like an achievement i ought to be celebrating. and it reminds me how important writing is in my life - because that's a third of my lifetime i will have been writing for. and mostly for this fandom, haha...

.°˖✧

looking on the fics i've written and finished this year, if i had to pick my favourite three, they'd probably be...

'Let Me Go' - i'm still patting myself on the back for this one. it's my favourite piece of nationverse i've written to date, and i could do so much with it...

'Want' - begging myself to write a sequel that i probably won't, but i can dream!

'Smokescreen' - ...it felt good to be bad, just for a little bit!

if i then think about my favourite aus in general from this year, then it's got to be:

the zoo au, from 'Lovebirds' because it's just CUTE, okay?

the RNLI au, from 'Swell', in which Arthur and Antonio are lifeboat volunteers (10/10 would write more)

the dragons au, from 'Scales' because worldbuilding is fun but also,, Rhys, my boy! :D

the school au, from 'The Note', for the memories it brings back and the reminder that i can write fluff, dammit!

and if only you guys knew the aus happening in my messages with maiva,, we are so smart we are so cool we are constantly drowning in cats :)

to conclude these little reflections on my year in fandom, things i'm a bit sad about:

i've given up on 'Bound' as a series - i just haven't been able to get anywhere with the plans or drafts i have, and i've lost my love for it, so it's officially parked.

'Hopeful Waters' will also definitely not continue - i will, however, not delete it as i have stopped myself from doing a million times this year. i may write snippets of 'what would have been' but my relationship with the fic is... largely negative, so i make no promise.

hetaween fics slipped through my darn fingers this year and i didn't write as much as i wanted. next year, i will return with vengeance... ùwú

and things i'm happy about or proud of from this year:

romespa ✨everything✨

i've written now well over a million words on ao3 which feels,, just surreal, honestly. 16 year old helia would never

i finally cleared out my ao3 inbox and stopped hoarding comments for months and i'm keeping on top of it!

i've continued to write dialogue prompt lists! it always makes me happy when i see others using them as well <3

.°˖✧

and so, looking at 2024...

next year, what i'm hoping above all else is that 'For Me?' reaches its conclusion. it's been slow-going this year with updates, and it's nearly two years old (ouch), but i'm now finally getting the plot back on track and i know my direction. i hope the wait will be worth it! i'm excited about what's to come for Antonio, Arthur, and the others :)

i also hope 'Bitter Teeth' keeps going strong. i hope i let myself take breaks without feeling so guilty. i hope i get more into historical hetalia again. i really want to explore the implications of the events of 'Let Me Go'. i hope i learn to love my unfinished works or abandoned wips. i hope i start sharing more of my ideas. i hope i learn it's okay to not always want to write the same characters over and over, even if they are my favourites.

really, i just want to keep moving forward. i want to keep writing. i want to keep loving writing. i want to keep exploring. i want to not succumb to negativity as much. i want to indulge even more in what i want and what i feel like.

oh, and i want more cat aus. sorry maiva. we're not finished.

.°˖✧

to finish, i just wanted to leave a little thanks to the friends i have here who read my stuff, who encourage me, and who give me the confidence to continue forwards. i treasure you. i hope you know who you are. and i offer you cookies, hugs, and well wishes for the year ahead 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

thank you guys for everything <3

[doueverwonder]

This is technically from a wip game i was tagged in months ago but I feel like talking about wip's so (im not doing the tag part i just left the rules so y'all know whats up)

Rules: Reveal the titles of the documents in your WIP folder and tag as many people as there are documents. Let others ask questions about the ones that interest them and post snippets or explain the contents as you see fit!

The Bookseller & The Florist - The NedAme fic i've been posting, title is pretty explanatory even if you haven't been reading it.

The Ex - a week or so after Icelands birthday they're throwing a pseudo party for him in Dublin. Feat. Romano going "????" bc him and Norway are absolute opposites but Ire used to date Nor? and is now dating him?

Memories - A Spain fic that exists as two paragraphs and a very vague idea, i want to write for it i just don't know,,, how,,,,?

After the Fall - Germania and family finally heading back North after Odoacer overthrew Romulus Augustus, mostly family centered fluff/some internal-ish angst on Germania's part. (nightmares that he won't talk about, and leave him feeling isolated)

Natalya in Constantinople - title is a placeholder that's a joke off Emily in Paris. Belarus living in Constantinople before it falls, a lot of character/family tree building, less actual story if that makes sense.

Sons of Henrik - Early viking age, All of the Central Germanics/Anglo-Saxons have converted to Christianity and 'abandoned everything we were taught'; Denmark and Sweden feel like their family has turned their backs on them as well and they're angry about it. Norway is very conflicted on exact feelings, arguing that their recently deceased Father (Germania) wouldn't want infighting in the family. Nothing really gets solved. (Inspired by some guys Quora rant about the Saxon Wars triggering the Viking Age, not sure if they're actually connected at all but it was interesting to read at least.)

Scandals - Roderich and Antonio are married, Erzsébet is involved with both of them. It gets out, and nobles love to gossip. (another one of the less fleshed out ones but still)

Father - Brandenburg and Germany get into a fight; mostly centered around a legitimate "your not my dad" feeling. Brandenburg snaps and accidentally tells Germany "well Gilbert wasn't either!" cue Ludwig's entire world crumbling as he finds out his entire family has been lying since he was born.

[gamerbearmira]

MAGICAL GIRL AU!!! I love magical girls! Can we get some story for this AU? Like how they got their magical girl powers, where the monsters they face come from, the shifts in the family dynamics, what's the name of their magical girl/boy team? Normally magical girls keep their identity secret so 'Magical Madrigals' wouldn't really work

YEAHH‼️‼️

So firstly, they get their powers two years before canon. Their relationships are similar to canon, but get mended far earlier on because the more they fight together, the more they have to work together and generally just get along. Little Guardian Pedro kinda made them get along as well. Antonio was around 3 at the time, so he was more of a moral support, and didn’t get a weapon until after Mirabel’s birthday but before his own.

They wear brooches, which activate their powers. Like I said, I LOVE the Precure pacts, but they aren’t very inconspicuous, and personally I think brooches would be easy to cover up for if anyone ever asked. “It was a gift!” “Oh, I don’t take it off cause I like it so much!” Etc etc. as for a name, I’m not sure 💀 tbh I only used magical Madrigals cause I needed a placeholder name for the AU 😭

Attacks are subject to change but their powers and weapons stay the same. Close to their gift or not. Isabela had a staff and can create plants, duh; she has more creative ability. She doesn’t have to really use regular plants, they can be completely made up as well.

Dolores has a boomerang that, depending on the force she puts behind it and how she throws it, can alter the sound barrier, or in her powered up mode, break it (this doesn’t hurt her, the other team members or innocents).

Luisa is still super strength, but she also has a higher stamina naturally, higher than usual anyway. She can use her scepter to buff the other teammates abilities, but she can only do one at a time,but for an indefinite amount of time.

Camilo has a sword, or rather saber I guess. He trains a lot, so he picks up techniques and what not fast. Idk if you can see it, but the little Diamonds near his head help with his ability, since it doesn’t directly come from his weapon. The ability to disorientate and confuse, to an extent.

Mirabel has spear, and her ability is purification but she can buff, like Luisa (closer to healing I would say). This plays into where the monsters come from, which is still being debating, but let’s say atm that there’s good magic like the candle, but, there is the price of bad magic lurking around in the Encanto, and will target emotionally weak/vulnerable people,or people weak in spirit (mind you, children aren’t exempt from this.)

Antonio is summoning animals. He can’t fully understand them, but understands them enough for them to help in battle. He’s a support I a way, he’s almost never on the front line, too dangerous, but he begs to differ, obviously.

They all have some form of flight/gliding. Hence the little Angel wings. Now they aren’t cruising around like airplanes, but they got hops and an fly for a bit 🥖 These ain’t to scale. Grain of salt.

[themultifandomgal]

Antonio- Trying For A Baby/Finding Out

Shit shit shit. That's all I can think as I sit on the toilet seat after I just finished throwing up. My period is late, my boobs hurt. I have all of the tell tale signs of being pregnant. Yes Antonio and I have spoken about having a baby, but we didn't mean now. We've only been together for a year, living together for only like 6 months, how's Antonio going to react. I suppose I first of all need to see if I'm actually pregnant so I grab my purse and head to the nearest convenience store. I pick up a box of pregnancy sticks, purchase them and run home before anyone can see me.

The longest 5 minutes of my life happen and now I'm staring at two pink lines. Shit.

Shaking I stand up and place the test on the side of the sink while I wash my hands. How am I going to tell Antonio? How do we tell Eva and Diego? Will it be frowned upon because Antonio and I aren't married or even engaged? Oh god and my brothers, how are they going to react? The sound of the door opening pulls me out of my thoughts

"YN?" Antonio shouts

"Coming" I throw the used stick in the trash and the unused I put in the cupboard with my pads. I run out of the bathroom and downstairs to greet Antonio. I kiss his cheek "how was work?"

"Made a few arrests so it was a good day. How was your day?"

"Fine. Cleaned the house, had a nap, sorted Eva and Diego's beds for when they come to stay next week"

"Have you eaten at all?" He asks, but the thought of food turns my stomach

"Er yeah, I ate earlier" I lie

"I'll order in then. You sure you won't want anything?"

"No I'm good" I smile. I make my way to the couch and sit down. After Antonio orders his food he sits next to me, I immediately snuggle into him.

His food finally arrives but when Antonio joins me back on the couch the smell makes me immediately run to the toilet

"Babe? You alright?" I hear him shout for me as I start heaving in the toilet bowl, bringing up the small amount of food I've managed to eaten today "babe?" I grab some toilet paper wipe my nose and mouth before flushing the toilet and brush my teeth "what's wrong? Are you not well?" Antonio frowns. My eyes start to water "babe talk to me what's going on?" Knowing I can't hid this from him I spit and take a deep breath sitting back on the seat of the toilet

"I'm pregnant" I whisper. After a moment of silence I look up at Antonio "please say something"

"I'm sorry, I was just waiting for you to tell me why your sad about this"

"Your not mad?"

"Why would I be mad?" Antonio smiles cupping my face in his hands "we're having a baby"

"We've only just moved in together and we didn't plan this for now. We've been carful"

"Have we though? I can think of a few occasions where I've..."

"Ok ok I get it" I giggle as Antonio wipes my tears

"That's that smile. I know we didn't plan to have this baby now, but we knew we would one day so what makes now any different? I love you YN YLN and I can't wait to meet this little one"

"I love you too Toni. So much. I'm just worried about Eva and Diego. Also what about my brothers. We aren't married and we have 8 years between us, what if people talk?"

"Then let them talk. Our friends don't care and anyway it's only 8 years, it not like I'm twice your age. Eva and Diego will be fine and if your worried about Laura then don't be. This is nothing to do with her. I'm 36 YN and I know you want at least 2 children so better to start now before we get to old" Antonio chuckles

"When should we tell Eva and Diego?"

"I think sooner rather than later. So they can get used to the idea, also they hopefully won't feel then like we've left them out"

"I agree" I nod my head

"You ready to leave the bathroom?"

"Yeah" I breathe out standing up with Antonio's help

"Do you want anything to eat now?"

"Maybe some pancakes with syrup?"

"Go sit on the couch and I'll make you some"

"Your the best" I kiss Antonio's cheek.

[all-the-things-2020]

No Better Place - Chapter 19

Summary: Cassidy breaks up with Javi and he throws himself into his work.

Word count: 3700

Cassidy woke late the next morning, Linus pawing at her face to tell her that his breakfast was late. She’d forgotten to switch on her alarm and it was nearly seven. She jumped up, shoved her feet into her boots and dumped a can of cat food into Linus’ dish before running out to the barn.

“Sorry, kids,” she said, as the horses all snorted at her. Even Cricket was impatient, kicking a hoof against the door of her stall. Cassidy tore open a bale of hay and started stuffing hay nets. Once she’d hung the fresh hay up in the stalls, she carefully measured out each horse’s grain and supplements. Cricket just got a few pellets to supplement her hay, since she was an easy keeper, but Buster and the mares needed to put on some weight, and they got pellets, grain and some supplements. Nugget was still on stall rest, so she fed him lightly, but he did get some grain mixed with his medications.

Once she’d hung the feed buckets in the stalls, she pulled, dumped, washed and refilled the water buckets. Only then did she head back to the house to pee and brush her teeth. As she entered the bathroom, she saw the pregnancy test sitting on the counter and the emotions of the night before came crashing down on her. She picked it up and threw it angrily into the trash can. She used the toilet, brushed her teeth and then decided to take a shower. She looked horrible. Her eyes were puffy from crying and her hair was a tangled mess.

The shower revived her a bit, and she managed a cup of coffee and a slice of toast before her throat threatened to close up again. “What am I going to do?” she asked Linus, who was sitting in the chair beside her, very helpfully cleaning his back legs.

It was clear that it was over between her and Javi but how to end it? Should she confront him about the woman in his apartment? Or just break things off? One thing was certain, she did not want to see him again. It would be too painful, and there was always the chance she’d lose her nerve once she was face to face with him. She’d had many opportunities to leave Travis that she left untaken just because he’d given her that grin. She wouldn’t give Javi the chance.

She could wait until he called, probably that night or the next, but what if he didn’t call and just drove down on Friday night or Saturday morning, showing up unannounced? “I’ll call him,” she told Linus. “After I know he’s left for work. I’ll leave a message on his answering machine and that’ll be that.” Linus looked up from his grooming, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth, bright pink and ridiculous. Cassidy sighed. “Then I’ll just have to deal with Chucho, but he should be easy enough to avoid.”

**************************************************************************

The next day was better, but Javi was still subdued as he went about his work. He would have worked through lunch again, except Monica forced him to walk to the deli down the street with her and a few other people. He ate half his roast beef sandwich and promised her he’d have the rest for dinner.

When he got home, he tossed the sandwich into the fridge and took off his jacket and tie. He flipped through the mail (all junk or bills, nothing interesting) and noticed the blinking red light on his answering machine. It was probably a telemarketer, trying to sell him insurance or a timeshare or some such nonsense. He pressed the play button, fully expecting to erase the message within the first few seconds.

“Hey, Javi, it’s Cassidy,” the tinny voice said. The speaker on this machine is crap, Javi thought. I need to get a better one. “Um, I don’t really know how to say this other than to just say it. I … I can’t do this anymore. It’s over, Javi. It’s not working and I feel like you need to focus on your life there in San Antonio. And I need to focus on my life here. I’ve been letting too much slide and I’m sure you have too and … well, I just think it’s best we end it now before things get out of hand. Goodbye, Javi. And good luck.”

He was stunned. He’d thought things were going well. True, he’d missed the last two weekends, but he’d been swamped at work and Cassidy had seemed to understand. He picked up the phone and dialed her number. After five rings, her machine picked up.

“It’s Javi,” he said. “Cassidy, pick up if you’re there.” He paused for several seconds, then went on. “Okay, I guess you’re out in the barn. Call me when you get back in. Please, Cassidy. Let’s talk about this.”

He hung up and fetched a beer from the fridge. He drank it and opened another one. Halfway through the second beer, he pulled the sandwich out of the fridge and ate a few bites. Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore and he called her again.

“Hey, Cassidy,” he said when the machine picked up. “Come on, baby, talk to me. I don’t know what happened. Did I do something? Did I not do something? Tell me how I can make things right. I don’t want to lose you, Cassidy. I love you. So, call me back. Please.”

He turned on the television and watched some ridiculous sitcoms until ten, when a police procedural came on. He switched channels to a medical drama. Still no call from Cassidy. Before he went to bed, he called one last time.

“Cassidy, sweetheart, please, please, call me back. I don’t want it to be over. We can make this work. I’ll make sure I get home every goddamned weekend, baby, I’ll call you every night. Whatever you need to know that I’m one hundred percent committed to this relationship.” He sighed. “Okay, it’s late, I’m going to bed. I’ll call you again when I get home tomorrow, if you don’t call me first. I love you, hermosa.”

He got undressed and crawled into bed, but sleep eluded him for hours as he wracked his brain trying to figure out what could have triggered Cassidy’s decision to end their relationship. It just didn’t make sense.

********************************************************************

“You look like hell,” Monica said the next morning as soon as she saw him. “I know this thing with Andre is …”

He cut her off. “Cassidy broke up with me,” he said curtly as he dug in his desk drawer for a new pen. The one he’d been using kept skipping.

“What?” Monica plopped down in the chair he kept in the corner. “No way.”

He nodded wearily. “Yes,” he said. “There was a message on my answering machine when I got home yesterday. I called her back several times, but she’s screening her calls or something. I left messages …” He closed his eyes. “Look, I appreciate your concern, but I have a shitload of work to do and I’m sure you do, too. If I need to talk, you’re the first person I’ll come to, I promise.”

Monica bit her lower lip, clearly wanting to say more, but respecting his wishes. “Okay,” she said after a moment. “But I’m making sure you take your lunch again today. Nobody starves on my watch, no matter how bad life gets.” She stood up and tilted her head. “I know this week has been a clusterfuck, Javi, but you’ll get through it.” She smiled at him and left, pulling his office door halfway closed, giving him at least a modicum of privacy.

Javi opened the file on his desk and stared at the page. It was going to be a very long day.

**********************************************************************

There was another message on his answering machine when he got home. It was short and to the point. “Javier, please, stop calling. There’s nothing you can do. I’ve made my decision. It’s over between us. I’m sorry.”

The click at the end of her message had a finality about it that made Javi’s stomach clench. He took a few deep breaths and then dialed his father.

“She what?” Chucho shouted as soon as Javi had told him about Cassidy’s messages.

“She broke up with me,” Javi repeated. “Can you talk to her for me, Dad? She won’t pick up when I call and she asked me to stop calling. I don’t know what happened, but maybe she’ll tell you, or you can figure it out. I don’t know what to do, Dad.” He choked back a sob. He’d be damned if he’d cry in front of his father, even if it was over the phone.

“Of course,” Chucho said. “I’ll go over there tomorrow and ask her what the hell’s going on.” He snorted. “I’ll knock some sense into that girl’s head.”

“Don’t yell at her,” Javi pleaded. “Just … just talk to her, see if she’ll talk to me.” He sighed. “I knew she had misgivings about trying to make a long distance relationship work but I thought she was over it. I guess not.” He shook his head. “I’ll let you go, but thanks in advance for anything you can do.”

“You hang in there, mijo,” Chucho said. “I’ll try to fix this.”

******************************************************

“No,” Cassidy said firmly. Chucho was in the barn aisle and she was inside the tack room, the half closed door making a sort of barrier between then. “I don’t have anything to say to him. I thought about things and I realized that it’s not going to work. End of story.” She hoped Chucho couldn’t tell that her voice was about to crack. She turned away to fiddle with the bridles that were already hanging neatly on their rack.

“Cassidy,” Chucho sighed. “I don’t know why you have such a crazy idea stuck in your head, but please, promise me you’ll at least consider talking to Javi. He’s broken hearted.”

I’ll bet, she thought, unable to get the image of that woman leading him back inside his apartment out of her head. “If I change my mind, I certainly will call him,” she said, “but I don’t see that happening. I’m sorry, Chucho, but I can’t handle this long distance thing. And before you even think about it, I can’t move to San Antonio. I’m not a city girl and you know it.” She looked up at him. “Javi belongs in the city and I belong out here. Those are the facts. It sucks but it’s true.”

Chucho shook his head. “I still think you’re making a huge mistake, mija, but it’s your decision. I’ll tell Javi what you said and he won’t bother you again. And neither will I.” He turned and walked out of the barn, his shoulders slumped.

It broke Cassidy’s heart to see how this had affected Chucho, but she wasn’t about to tell him the truth, that she’d caught his son cheating on her. Let him think Javi was a decent man as long as possible. She was sure that once Javi had accepted that things were over between them, he’d tell his dad about this other woman. Unless she was just another one night stand, in which case, Chucho need never know.

********************************************************************

Javi hung up the phone. He’d hoped his dad could get through to Cassidy, but she’d proven just as stubborn with him as she’d been with Javi. He glanced at his watch. It was only eight thirty; plenty of time for a run to the liquor store for more whiskey and cigarettes. There was no reason to stop smoking now. If he was honest with himself, the only thing keeping him from getting stinking drunk was the need to be in the office the next day, the need to do everything he could to make sure none of the other kids in the program ended up like Andre.

Monica wisely avoided him the next morning, even though he was sure she wanted to lecture him on his rumpled clothes and the pack of cigarettes displayed prominently on his desk. She merely shook her head a little as he headed outside for a smoke break before their weekly meeting with the chief of police. He knew she was disappointed in him, but Javi didn’t give a damn. He was going to wallow in his misery as long as he could, knowing that if he went off the deep end, Monica would haul his butt back to shore.

He threw himself into his work, getting to the office at seven and often staying until eight o’clock or even later. He took work home on the weekends and started carrying a pager, letting everyone know he was only a phone call away. He even gave his number to some of the higher risk kids, telling them they could call any time of the day or night if they needed to talk. He spent more than one long night on the phone with Carlos or Leticia or Martin, doing his best to listen and not judge. If they made it to the next morning without using or running with their crew, he counted it a win. He worked with their schools to arrange for extra tutoring hours to keep them off the streets. He even forked over money for baby formula when Mom’s child support payment was late or gas money so a dad could make it to a job interview. He loaned out several of his ties for job interviews and taught a dozen boys how to tie a Windsor knot.

Every night, when he finally made it home, he poured a few fingers of whiskey, smoked far too many cigarettes, and ate junk that would make Monica cringe. The apartment was just a place to catch a few hours of sleep, take a shower, and maybe watch a movie on the VCR to escape reality for a while. Work was his life and it was all that kept him going.

Thanksgiving came and Javi told Chucho he had to work the day before and the day after, so there was no point in driving all the way to Laredo. While the police department never shut down, his department had been given Friday as a paid holiday as well as Thanksgiving Day, but Javi declined to tell Chucho this. He reluctantly joined Monica and her family at Rob’s mother’s place for Thanksgiving Dinner, but left as soon as he politely could.

“Stay for a while,” Rob pleaded. “Watch the game with us.”

“Thanks, man, but this is your family,” Javi replied. “You don’t need me bringing you all down. I’ll be okay.”

Monica pressed a paper plate of leftovers wrapped in foil into his hands. “Do not work tomorrow,” she said firmly. Javi couldn’t lie to her, so he didn’t answer. They both knew full well he’d taken home a stack of paperwork to keep himself occupied over the long weekend.

It was harder to avoid going home for Christmas, but Javi was saved at the last minute by a torrential storm that brought rain and hail and even brief flurries of sleet, leading to the closure of many highways and a flash flood outside Laredo that washed out the road that led to Chucho’s ranch.

“You might as well stay put, son,” he said on the phone. “By the time they get the roads cleared, you’ll be due back at work. You can come down and pick up your present later.” Javi promised to do just that, even though he and Chucho both knew he was lying. He hadn’t been home in months.

They did talk on the phone, though. Their conversations were stilted as they carefully avoided talking about Cassidy. Chucho mentioned seeing her around town now and then, but he was casual about it, mixing news of her in with the usual gossip about other people that Javi knew. She was working part time at the feed store, having taken over for Jenny the cashier, who was on maternity leave. Chucho also mentioned that someone had seen Cassidy working as a bagger at the grocery store, but he couldn’t confirm since it wasn’t the store he frequented. Dr. Hamblin mentioned in passing that Nugget was still not sound enough to ride, but Cassidy refused to sell him, for fear he’d end up at the slaughterhouse.

Hamblin had been on the ranch to treat Buster for a small abscess in his hind foot, the result of a stone bruise sustained while chasing a particularly obstinate cow through a gully. Cassidy had trailered him over to Chucho’s a couple of days after the breakup and sent Javi a formal letter stating that he should start paying his boarding fees to his father instead of her. Luis was riding him every few days and sang his praises every time he slid out of the saddle. Chucho joked that he was going to give him to Luis if Javi didn’t get his butt down there, but even though he missed the horse, Javi knew he couldn’t look at him without thinking of Cassidy, so he stayed away.

A few days after New Year’s, Monica dragged herself into Javi’s office. “You look horrible,” he said without thinking. It was true. Despite having a three year old and a five year old at home, she was always put together. On this day, she had no makeup on and looked pale.

“Hold that thought,” she said, dashing out of the room. When she came back a few minutes later, it was clear she’d thrown up.

“Hungover?” Javi asked. He’d never seen her drink more than one beer or glass of wine, so he was surprised.

“Morning sickness,” she mumbled, folding herself into the chair in the corner. “I told Rob to get a vasectomy, since the insurance company wouldn’t let me get my tubes tied, but he wouldn’t listen. So, we’re having number three.” She smiled weakly. “And I’m not letting him touch me again until he does get the snip-snip. Three kids is more than enough.”

“Congratulations, I guess,” Javi said, suppressing a laugh. “Is Rob freaking out?”

“Oh, at first he was all Mister Macho,” she said. “Then I reminded him he gets to take care of the little rug rat on top of the other two and that sobered him up quickly enough.” She leaned forward. “I didn’t come here to throw up on you, I promise. I wanted to show you something.”

She handed him a brochure. The cover featured a photo of a small boy with Down Syndrome on the back of a horse, smiling broadly. The words Blue Ridge Equine Therapy and Horse Rescue were at the top of the page.

“Nice,” Javi said. “But I don’t understand.”

Monica nodded at the brochure. “They mostly do kids with disabilities, developmental and physical issues, but the woman who runs it said she’d be open to doing some psychological therapy, too. I know you said working with your horse helped you with your depression after you quit the DEA. I was wondering if you think something like this could fit into our program.”

Javi flipped the brochure open. Photos of smiling children riding horses and brushing horses were scattered among paragraphs describing how the charity rescued horses from abusive homes and auctions where they were vulnerable to being sold to slaughterhouses. They retrained the horses and either adopted them out or used them in their therapy program in conjunction with a local hospital’s pediatric department.

Monica got out of her chair and came to stand beside him. She laid her hand on his shoulder. “I know it probably reminds you of Cassidy,” she said quietly, “which is why I didn’t bring it up sooner, but I think it might help our kids. Mary Sue -- yeah, that’s her real name -- said they could help with the new intake horses, get them used to being groomed and handled without being afraid, and then they could assist with the therapy sessions. They have volunteers who lead the horses around, others who help the kids get on and off the horses, stuff like that. There are physical therapists who are in charge of the actual therapy but they concentrate on the kids. Our kids could focus on the horses.”

Javi nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I think it’s worth looking into,” he said. “Set up a meeting with her and I’ll find out what kind of funding we might be able to get.” He leaned back in his chair. “If we can get some of these kids out of the city, even one day a week, show them there’s more to the world than their neighborhood and the mall, it’ll help us help them.”

Monica squeezed his shoulder. “Good,” she said. “I was afraid you’d be resistant … that it might remind you too much of …”

He laid his hand on top of hers, cutting her off. “I’m fine,” he lied. “And you’re right, I know first hand how helpful working with horses can be for mental health. I’d like to get a list of the kids in the program who have the most severe psychological issues, offer this to them first.”

“You got it, boss,” she said. “I’ll set up a meeting with Mary Sue and get that list to you as soon as I can. If I can get back to my office without barfing again.” She laid her hand against her stomach. “Don’t take this personally, Javi, but men suck.”

After she left, Javi took a few minutes to stare at the brochure again. He carefully traced the horse’s head in the cover photo. It was a dark bay, very much like Buster. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then shoved the brochure into his desk drawer and went back to the report he was typing up on the computer.