#another life gone

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

I have stopped screaming and crying and now I am just numb. I guess that is a bit of a breakthrough because normally I don't scream and cry at all until much later.

I think it's the autism I have always had a severely delayed reaction to things but this time it was so bad it just took me over.

I opened up Facebook to find that yet another friend of mine took his own life.

I am almost to the point that either I am losing count of the friends and relatives who have died by Suicide or I am just breaking down and blocking them all out.

That was my friend Ben. By the time I met him he was already in a relationship and so was I but we hung out a lot. We would send each other songs that we liked and I was really attracted to him. That is not a very good picture he was so much more handsome on his better days.

It's like meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife

The girl on my other side is his girlfriend Laura and they were together for years. Then I'm not sure what happened but suddenly they were not posting together on Facebook anymore and Ben was posting more and more rather scary sounding statuses.

He had told me that he had tried to kill himself several times. And I guess we bonded over that.

That was when we worked together. We were all friends his girlfriend, myself, and the music and art teacher who were married. One time they even made a band together and played gigs around town. It was because of them I found out about this awesome band called Murder Monroe. Those were truly the best times. Before covid happened and before the venue which was a coffee shop and music venue didn't survive the covid shutdown and went out of business.

Later on after he & Laura moved away he would put cryptic status on Facebook and I would message him and ask him if he wanted to talk and send him my favorite songs to try to comfort him.

He would always send me the same song back when he was in that mood. And it was kind of a song about how maybe if we had met in a different time things would be different.

Other times he would send me awesome videos of him playing guitar.

I drew this picture 5 years ago when I got a call telling me that one of my former students ---whom I was very close to --killed herself at the age of 13.

I still think it sums up exactly how I feel every time this happens.

I am so heartsick and just at a loss. We had not communicated since Christmas and he had only posted on Facebook of very few times with anything personal. The few times he did post it would be him saying how depressed he was and how he had no friends. And I would always message him and let him know he wasn't alone and ask if I could help and after a while he just didn't respond.

I'm glad he is no longer in pain but oh my God I just wish he could have hung in there.

I can't imagine what his ex-girlfriend is going through having been with him for nearly 10 years. She said in

her post that a few weeks ago he blocked her and then of course we find this out today.

Ben Benavides was a special ed teacher, a 4th/5th grade teacher. He was an introvert who was clinically depressed. He was a guitarist, he was a music fan, he was a great listener, he gave the best hugs, he felt things far more deeply than anyone else did.

He gave his all to his students to the point that he would nearly have nervous breakdowns over the stress of not being able to help them enough. He was a goth, he was a metalhead.

I didn't know him as long as most and yet he touched my life profoundly.

My dear Ben,

I am better for having known you and I am so pissed off that you left me and left this world.

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday who could hang a name on you when you change with every new day still I'm going to miss you.

[timetravelsong]

𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈’𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.

excerpts from a book I’ll never write

[lillotte17]

I have been in the solavellan fandom for...A While. (do not count the years, i beg) and everyone has their tropes and themes re: wolves/halla and hunter/prey and the New Herald being worshiped/the Old God nearly forgotten, and tbh I like bits and pieces of all of them, but like...

For me, the most compelling story is that Lavellan is just Some Guy (gn).

They meet Solas and accept that he is like them. He's an elf. One of The People. You are like me. I am like you. We are The Same People. And because of that, I will protect you with whatever power the humans around us have given me, because I know this is not the safest place for either of us.

And it just fucking... gets him, right? Because that's his whole deal. The world is broken because the people aren't People. He's not like them. They're not like him.

I just love the idea that this impossibly old, incredibly powerful sort-of-god, trips into a hole and nearly throws his entire game away because a regular person (albeit one who was thrust into extraordinary circumstances) decided to be kind. Offered him protection and friendship. Asked him to tell them stories. Grieved with him when he lost one of his oldest friends.

He could not deny that they were a person, because they treated him like a person.

I love how ordinary that is. How simple. How devastating.

'You're real, and it means everyone could be real. It changes everything, but it can't.'

[odinsblog]

“Love has never been a popular movement. And no one's ever wanted, really, to be free. The world is held together, really it is held together, by the love and the passion of a very few people.”

—James Baldwin, on life, love, despair and choosing who you want to be

[genderqueerpond]

We don't talk enough about the fact that Amelia Pond, s5 Amelia Pond, before the timeline is reset, isn't just a normal orphan. Her parents didn't die, didn't abandon her, and didn't send her away. They never existed in the first place.

And if her parents never existed, then Amelia cannot exist. She is a causal impossibility.

"People fall out of the world sometimes, but they always leave traces." A photograph. A face carved into an apple. Yes. Sure.

A child.

Now that's too big, surely.

But that's what she is. She is exactly the same as these things. A trace. An echo of something that could never be, never was, never could have been.

And the universe should never allow it. A whole person, that's just too much. She could not have continued to exist indefinitely, in normal circumstances, after her parents never existed.

In normal circumstances.

Because the Doctor didn't just save her from things coming out of the crack in her wall. He saved her from going into it. And he didn't just save her from the threat of going into it simply because of its vicinity.

No, by arriving when he did, he interrupted a process that was probably already in motion. And then by arriving again only moments later on a cosmic relative timestream (too quickly for the process to complete) and yet in the local relative timestream, years later --- years of a potential future caught midway through the process of rewriting -- he solidified that existence. Amy is a creature from another timeline, caught in amber. The Doctor prevented her from never existing, but only after she could already never exist.

And so, no one around Amelia thinks about it. Neither does she. There's some kind of consciousness block, because if you thought about it, really thought about it, for two seconds you'd realize she cannot exist. And the human mind can't deal with that. So, to protect itself, everyone's brain simply slides off it before ever noticing. They just assume that her existence makes sense, and don't question it, and don't notice what they don't question, that is staring them in the face.

But of course, to some extent they do notice. They can't think it, but they notice subconsciously that there's something they can't think. They notice there's something wrong with her, something uncanny. And they don't like it, and they alienate her even more because of it.

"Does it ever bother you Pond that your life existence doesn't make any sense?"

[atlas-and-the-time]

The greater grief

[deoidesign]

when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this

[sweetlullabyebye]

Charles' thing is that he wants to feel alive and that's part of the reason why he decided to never move on to the afterlife right? Meanwhile Edwin thinks Charles will move on and that he'll be alone again because 'he isn't good with people'.

But then when the Night Nurse shows up a second time Charles is ready to go wherever -including Hell- as long as Edwin shouldn't have to go back there, meanwhile Edwin refuses that they be split up, and both are okay with being sent together to the Lost and Found Department to be sorted out later as long as they're together-

[dismas-n-dismay]

There’s something so poetic and heartbreaking about Mary not wanting to hurt her mother. It’s not out of pity or wanting to ease the strain of the divorce it’s just purely a daughter’s love for her mother who’s always been there. Her mother who has never tried to make Mary feel outcasted or othered or unloved.

Even when Mary KNOWS that something is wrong in her bones, she cannot force herself to do anything but trail after her mother and try and make her proud even if what she’s doing could get her hurt. She loves her mom. And it sucks that the last she saw of her was her mother trying to kill her.

Mary, you will always be famous, my little dart frog

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

The man with Yellow Eyes

Wanted to post Gman's new design for my au, Aftermath

[crownedwithstars]

the reasons I think Fëanorians should not get the Silmarils back

it's a better and more compelling story this way. their fall from grace and the way they corrupt and destroy themselves because of a hopeless quest is peak tragedy, which would be ruined by their success.

it's a justified consequence of the Kinslayings: the right of ownership is not and cannot ever be more important than somebody else's right to live.

it's also a justified consequence of them stealing and destroying someone else's priceless semi-sacred property: Teleri will never get their ships back because Fëanor burned them out of spite, so it's only fair and square that the Silmarils are never returned to him or his heirs. 

if Stuff is so important to you that it causes you to ruin the lives of all your children, losing that Stuff forever is probably just karmic justice. (see also: "if more of us valued food and cheer above hoarded gold...")

And no, nobody else should have the Silmarils either. It's clear that having a Silmaril messes with your brain. At the end of the Silm, they should become public property. I would go even further than this and say that the actual resolution of the Silm, where nobody can have them and the single surviving jewel is carried as a star that everyone can indiscriminately see by a guy who never expressed a desire for it, is probably the only correct one. 

[unlikablefemaleprotagonist]

i keep thinking about the possibility that if there's ever a senior year, emily might choose to come back as a different player than fig. i say might because even if she felt like she wanted to play as someone else before junior year, by the time senior year rolls around (if ever) she might change her mind again, or feel that fig's story has taken a unique enough path at the end of junior year that it's compelling to continue playing with it.

and while i would certainly miss fig, and i think the team dynamics would change a lot if a new sixth character was pal-ing around with the bad kids, i hope that if she goes that route, she takes inspo from murph, and the greatest replacement character in d20 history: cody walsh.

because what was great about cody was that finding someone everyone would like as much as kugrash was a very tall order! so instead he veered the other way (on his moped) by creating this perfectly annoying drip of a loser, that everyone else would have strong feelings about, and more importantly, conflict with.

[avernusreject]

What if when Rook chooses not to redeem Solas, the last thing Solas sees before he gets dragged into the fade prison is Lavellan. For ten years, he'd only seen her in her dreams, imagined her in the lonely hours of the night. To see her one last time, utterly helpless to move. Hearing her scream his name as she sprints towards him. To far to make a difference. Desperation lacing every syllable that leaves her mouth. The only words that escape his lips is a rush "vhe-", before he gets pulled in

[corpsentry]

eulogy

[welcometogrouchland]

I miss them so bad (Dick and Damian)

[elitehoe]

Ok I will say there is something extremely important about Matt finally caring about someone else's wellbeing enough that he bargained for him and then proceeded to quit blood and guts