#another insane thing but hey
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OKAY, HERE WE GO FINALLY
So, let me introduce you to Nando's Nuggets aka his three little McChildren aka Carlito, Landito and baby Oscar 😘😘😘 (...aka the ultimate nepo baby trio of F1)
This kind of (I feel like this is a hedcanon more) belongs in the pookie au, go check it out ! ->
Huge thanks to everyone in my inbox for fueling this obsession 💚
Lando was a happy little accident born when Fernando was just 18. The relationship with Nando and Lando's mom, Ms. Norris, was pretty chaotic and turbulent and they ended up breaking up before he was even born. Lando stayed mostly with his dad and grew up as a grid-baby with other F1 drivers taking turns in babysitting him. He went through school in the UK since Nando kept his residence there most of the time and Lando got the English accent from there. He's always been around motorsport and it was just a matter of time before he would end up in F1.
Lando and Oscar grew up apart from each other, as Oscar was living in Australia. But whenever they were together while it was Nando's turn to have Oscar for a week or so, it was the highlight of their childhood. They got along well since they were pretty close in age and quite similar in other ways, too. Lando's mom wasn't around a lot when he was growing up, but as of lately, she has reached out to him again and is in good terms with the whole bunch.
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After Fernando separated from Landito's mom in the late nineties, he got together with this little known Aussie GT driver named Mark Webber. It was love at first sight and they had a really strong bond from the very start. They decided to get a kid together, which was wild since both were quite young and because of how difficult it was at the time for two men to get a child together. But, they somehow pulled through it and in April 2001, baby Oscar came along. (He is biologically Nando's through a surrogate) After a few quite happy years with this little family of two boys, Mark and Fernando eventually started to drift apart and the relationship fell flat. Through a mutual decision, they broke up and Oscar went off to live with Mark in Australia. Fernando still spent a lot of time with Oscar of course, but it was never enough. It was always sad to say good bye at the airport.
As time went on and Oscar grew older, he wanted to stay in the UK more. He got interested in karting like his two other brothers, and eventually moved over to try and make it into motorsport and connect better with Nando's side of the family. Mark was still very much around as he became Oscar's manager and pulled all kinds of stunts to get little Oscar in the best possible teams. Mark and Fernando are still very good friends and get along well. Oscar is definitely the most spoiled of them all.
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Carlos was an absolute menace and a troublemaker when he was young. When he was around 13-14, he took part in one of Nando's karting camps in Spain and that was really the only thing the kid was interested in. Later, tragically, Carlos would lose his parents in an accident and since he was such a difficult child, no one would take him in. But alas! Fernando heard about it and since he had seen how talented and passionate Carlos was about driving, he wanted to give him a chance and enrolled him into more karting classes at his own expense. Eventually, they became close and Fernando figured out since nobody else was gonna have him and the poor kid needed a proper home, he adopted him. Carlos immediately took the role of big brother to Lando and Oscar and would start to settle down since he now had a responsibility to be their role model. In time (and with lots of trial and error), Nando raised Carlos to be a sensible and well-adjusted young man who could safely be let out into the world knowing he was gonna be okay.
Carlos' protective nature over his little brothers and dad resulted in him beefing with Lance for years since he didn't exactly like the idea of his dad dating a guy who's four years younger than him. When Nando and Lance got married, it was finally enough proof that Lance wasn't going to leave and break his dad's heart like others had before. Now they're in good terms and Carlos thinks of him quite fondly, but will never admit it. Fernando is incredibly proud of how far Carlito has come and how he's now at Ferrari.
Lance has a pretty good relationship with the bunch overall despite Carlos' apprehensions. He often takes Lando or Oscar on fun trips and likes to hang out with them. Carlos sometimes asks Lance to go golfing with him since he can actually give him some competition.
It's strange for everyone that their step-dad is almost the same age as them (and younger, in Carlos' case), but somehow they make it work. He never actually considers himself to be a parental figure to them, more like a weird kinda fun uncle 🤷 It's weird, the whole family is weird, but they make it work. ❤️
Family portrait:
+This son inherited the magical powers:
#pookie au#strollonso#webbonso#another insane thing but hey#that's what tumblr is for#fernando alonso#lance stroll#oscar piastri#lando norris#mark webber#f1#¼ of the whole grid is just Alonsos
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Huzzah! It's birthday time! I'm slowly accumulating more and more things I like (latest additions this vest I made and a travel typewriter! Still need to fix the latter one though)
Sure has been a year.
#terri#niart#got my wisdom toofies out#well 2 out of 4#still got stitches#idk if this removal lowkey fixed my fear of the dentist?#it was so easy and painless#also finally i'm on anxiety meds jkahsdjash#i also got depression meds but i haven't tested them yet#I'm going to see the love of my life soon again!!!#only 2 more months to go....#i've also finally found awesome friends who don't make me feel like i'm insane for wanting to be cared for#the difference is like night and day#old friends saying hey let's surprise another friend of ours oh also i think it's your birthday on that day#new friends reminding me to pick a brunch place for us to go on my special day#i am sobbing#the right people are out there#don't lose hope#i've never felt this platonically loved honestly#also yes i'm working on the next dragon's lair aksjdhasjkd#just#a lot of things happening and i'm sooo burnt out#this piece was such a strain and i just#don't have patience for art rn#this is photobashed btw there's an actual photo of my typewriter under all those layers#i'm not about to spend 300 hours just to draw a typewriter from this angle kajshdjkasdh#ALSO ONE MORE THING CAN I JUST GUSH ABOUT THE ANASTASIA BROADWAY OKAY?!?!?!#I didn't realise until now that they made it way more historically inspired and i mean bruh BRUH#i have been having a recording of it playing on the background nonstop for like 3 days now#Vladimir Popov I want to inject you straight into my veins holy shit he is a perfect man
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All Homophobic Navani jokes aside I do think she is really working on becoming more accepting of this kind of stuff and like it would be easy to say it’s because of the crab yuri or whatever but honestly I think she started rethinking things when, like, her husband asked her to teach him how to read and she had to get really cool about a lot of things really quickly
#luke.txt#like you don’t exactly undergo the process of teaching your life partner how to do something that will read as incredibly queer to everyone#in your society#without going hey maybe I should rethink my knee-jerk disgust at broken gender roles#like dalinar got over a bunch of internalized bullshit/NO FEMS on his grindr profile/what have you#through means of like. having his entire worldview spun on its head#what with the almighty being dead and his subsequent excommunication and the way he’s treated by the ardentia for marrying Navani#and like. having a mental breakdown where he would’ve done the healthy thing instead of relapsing if he could read#just a whole mess of factors that were just like. insane#but for Navani it was very sudden. She loves Dalinar. Dalinar wants to learn to read. She teaches him. She very quickly goes through#Unlearning Homophobia And Such so that she can support him better#if we are laboring under the assumption that dalinar is bisexual but Sanderson doesn’t know it#he’d probably put that in Oathbringer#and then Navani has another layer of Stuff To Get Real Chill About Real Quickly#ugh dalivani could be so good if it was good#pulpy drippy orange juice
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I have experienced my first interdepartmental nonsense at work. I think that Officially makes me a member of this office now
#been working closely the past few weeks with another department on developing a new Thing#we just had the final meeting about it yesterday and i stayed late to get all the changes implemented and publish it#woohoo! my project is out there and being used by the first wave of users! I Am Getting A Good Grade In Office for sure#...other department reached out to me today seemingly not understanding how the thing that i had designed to their specifications—#and which they had had multiple meetings with both me and my coworker who was helping me about—worked#and asking me to make changes to it that frankly do not make sense#had to ask as politely as possible 'hey. What Is The Point?'#theyre gonna get back to me on that#they also didnt take into account how the seemingly arbitrary changes theyve asked for would interact with some other factors#met with my other coworker to make sure i wasnt insane and he brought up that also like#people are already Using The Thing#he has historically been in charge of the thing and as a rule we dont Change The Thing this frequently#bc people are already Using It. if we change it then everyone who already started using it will have to go back and completely Redo It#historically we have waited at least one full week to change the thing (not <24 hours) for this very reason#and if we do that then the data from our first week wont match up with the data from the second week#and once again it is unclear what this change would even accomplish#we are perplexed. i have requested a meeting with me + coworker + boss + other department to ask 'hey... what??'#me and coworker are the Numbers Guys so. hopefully they will listen to us about the Numbers#rambling
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Fish, Hand, Face—or something like that
Personally I think it’s a terrible way of putting my ideas in a tangible form (but at least I set pen to tablet screen!)
endless word dumps tend to be on brand for me, but I swear to you they have meaning
#S.K draws#Yes this is about the fish the hand and the face thing I’m really bad at subtly going insane over things sorry#But hey !!! I did art stuff again. So. Idk I don’t really like it </3#I am going to go onto another platform for ten minutes so I don’t have to stare at my shitty tumblr art. Bye
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>.>
#oh the joys of waking up at 4am to write a meta-sort-of-ficlet just to prove a point to myself#it’s almost 8am now and I am pissed#I’ve written an entire meta for a chapter I will not post possibly for another 6 months?? am I insane??#the chapter is written already and I was trying to figure out how long I wanted the end notes to be#then I fell asleep and YGG herself came knocking on my door saying: hey bitch time for yapping#so yap I did#for almost 4 fucking hours I yapped by myself on ao3 drafts#I’m glad I did bc I needed to get it out of my system but now I’m missing at least an entire ophour of sleep D:#*hour#so :)#:)#I’m gonna do a bad thing :)#and take a morning nap :)#since I went to vote alright yesterday :)#so I don’t have to leave the house :)#unless my family comes to wake me up 😔#they don’t know I’ve been awake since 4am D:#just a little nap I promise >_>#I’ll update you on how long I’ll have been conked off I promise#bye peeps! have a great day :)#sneaky niki
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Hello, my belovedest petals 🌸
It’s been,,, 365 days since I started posting on here 🎀 (the first post made on this blog, for reference!), and I just wanted to thank all of you for being here, from the bottom of my heart ♡
To celebrate, I’ve changed my blog theme entirely (both on mobile n desktop) >.<! I wanted to do something ~unusual~ that is not out of my reach and capabilities, so I thought maybe this would be a good idea... I mean, everyone likes to look at pretty things, right? So I hope you guys can look at all the pretty gfx I made and feel happy in some way 🦋✨🌆! It took me whole 4 days and probably 40+ hours of brainstorming and working on everything, so I really hope my hardwork paid off! 💖💜
Tumblr has never been an easy place for me to be on as I struggle with interactions, building connections, and as a result get lonely very easily. More than often, I’ve felt like an outsider on my own blog, because of how unwelcomed I had felt in a space that is created by me. But, I’m trying to work on those things slowly, especially on how to be rational with my own feelings, and not listening to my brain whenever it’s being unnecessarily mean. About interactions though, it’ll probably take me a long time to actually show improvements, but I promise I’m trying my best always ^^! I appreciate everyone who has ever made an effort to interact with me, I see you and I appreciate you lots, even if it doesn’t feel that way 🫂
That got a bit heavy, no? Don’t mind it, please :( those who have seen me for long enough probably know that I’m kind of like this, but still ╥ ╥
Lastly, I wanted to say thank you so much, once again! I hope my presence here can be a positive one for me and you all as long as I’m here; let’s be happy in this silly little corner of the internet ♡
much love,
aleyna 💌
#✦🎖️✦ milestones!#happy 1st anniversary to euphor1a 🌸💕✨#it’s been a less bumpy ride than my previous blogs#still pretty bumpy but hey i’ll take this over my previous experiences without any complaints#so happy to be here and to be able to see this day with so many people who chose to stick around for one reason or another 🤎#aaaaand a very special shout-out to those who have been with me since cupidchois & lushtans ♥︎#me thinks it’s crazy that some people are still here even after watching me have like a million breakdowns over a variety of things#sorry to anyone who’s new here you actually signed up for a low-key insane person writing stuff once in a while#but always losing her mind over someone or something aksgsjks#🎉 – tumbversary!#i wanted to post this like 12 hours ago but i wasn’t done with all the work yet#i hope everything looks okay.... tbh i’m pretty disappointed bc it doesn’t look the way i thought it would :(#but too bad ig. i won’t be changing my theme until next year again. lol
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HELLO..
#i made another account as a little social isolation thing but i was too insane on there and it got deleted so hi hey hello#this blog makes me a little sad because most of my og mutuals are inactive and idfk how to make new ones now 😭#this is my official return to this blog btw so umm those of you that remain will get to suffer through my hyperfixationposting#current hyperfixation is hermitcraft and the life smp 😁
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#utada hikaru !!! sanctuary just brings me baaaaack#I remember the first time I heard that song when I was but a child(teen?) it was many moons ago#and being Obsessed and noooobody understood#nobody Got It#and like — y’know when it’s just nice that you’re around people who Do Get it 🥲#not even just sanctuary / kingdom hearts related just. the things I liked back in school there was maybe 3 people who got it -#oh hey mao looking at you#fuck what’s your url Ansjsjsn having a moment#me saving this to drafts to go and look >.>#stardustdaemon#found you AHJSJDND#but anyway!#yes hello#I’m happy for all the friends I have here who understand the insanity hehehe <3#sANCTUARY IN THE CAR FULL BLAST IS ANOTHER EXPERIENCE#pyriic#sicsemper#militus#manusregis#tHERE#ANSJSJNDJD
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Could you do the template thing of Gold? from pokespe
Absolutely I can!!!! I don’t think about him as near constantly as I do Red so he was quite a bit harder but I really love Gold so I hope I did him justice!!!!!
#this was my first time drawing him!#his hair spikes are really fun to draw turns out!#thank you SO much for the ask!! sorry it took so long!#I’m just insane and decided to make ANOTHER pixel pokeball from scratch for some reason#I just….. I didn’t want to clearly put more effort into red#I feel like that would Not help Gold’s self esteem#also are the dexholders killing people/pokemon please god#I assume they aren’t cause of all the panels of them being like Hey Stop Being Evil?? Please?? *drops a rock on u*#but also there are a lot of panels like The Arbok Panel#which I know it didn’t die but that was a thing special to That specific arbok#which we didn’t know about#i’m rambling#anyway#dexholder gold#gold pokespe#pokemon special#pokemon adventures#ask game#angstyimp
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I feel like whatever was going on with majima/mirei/katsuya in the early 90s was some sort of complicated bisexual love triangle situation. like majima is majima and katsuya’s handsome and eloquent and absolutely doesn’t seem straight to me, but on top of that it feels like there was some sort of confusing tension between katsuya and mirei, not sure if it was romantic or one-sided or what but. SOMETHING. I don’t know what the hell was going on with those three really but no way in hell do I believe the romantic/sexual/??? depth ends with majima and mirei
#katsuya is HANDSOME and CHARMING and ELOQUENT. I just KNOW at least one of them was into him. probably both#one way I’m imagining it could’ve went is like#katsuya introduces majima and mirei to one another and mirei crushes on him pretty quick (because she is 19 and quick to do so)#majima doesn’t really particularly have an interest in her- not cause she’s unattractive or anything probably mostly because she’s almost a#because she’s almost a decade younger than him and barely legal. but at some point she confides in katsuya about her feelings for him and#katsuya being the sweet and honorable kinda dude he is acts as a wingman and tries to get majima to go out with her#and eventually majima relents because he doesn’t want to end up admitting to katsuya that he actually had a thing for KATSUYA#and by playing wingman for his good friend mirei majima takes it as him being uninterested and thus doesn’t shoot his shot and yeah#katsuya’s hard to say no to and hey I mean maybe mirei- a civilian- will make his life more capable of Normalcy#she’s conventionally attractive and is a decent enough friend- albeit he didn’t really know what she was like as a person before she was#crushing on him and also. again. she’s 19 and an idol. so inevitably her identity in general is NOT solid yet#almost as if rebounding off a relationship he never even Got- things move insanely quickly with mirei and they’re married in less than a#year. the whole time katsuya is there cheering them on- he’s smart and I think he’d see the red flags when it comes to their ages and#maturity at least but I think that’d become more apparent over time and he’d start to have regrets but#it’s way too late for that. especially when she comes to him bawling her eyes out because she’s found out she’s pregnant and she has no#idea what to do. both for her career and because she’s literally barely an adult she doesn’t want a child at that point but obviously she#knows she’ll feel guilty and- more than that- deep shame for terminating. she’s insightful even at that age and also maybe can read majima#well enough to know that he might take her abortion as a sign for him to book it to no longer cause her anymore issues. katsuya reassures#her cause what else is he gonna do. but of course she’s right and his commitment issues kick in big time and yeah. over the years katsuya’s#the in-between still close with both of them. specifically he’s closer with mirei and they trust one another a lot more than majima with#either of them- just because majima’s Like That and his trust issues create distance easily. nonetheless at some point majima asks him if#he’s been single for so long because he was hung up on mirei and apologizes if he got in the way of them and that leads into some really#long overdue admissions and likely hooking up. but of course majima is STILL majima and again kinda books it because feelings are#inconvenient and their time for something like a relationship has passed (or something like that).#mirei often wonders if things would’ve been better if she’d have ended up with katsuya instead but similar to majima she’s career-focused#now and just wants to value him as a friend regardless of any lingering potential feelings. majima ends up falling hard for kiryu#sooner than later and life just moves on from any romanticism beteeen the three of them- a nostalgic closeness lingers instead#rambling#that was. a lot.
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You really find a lotta ways to make Diantha suffer huh? good for you good for you, but damn poor Diantha haha
That's like, one of the downsides of being my fave charac ngl hahaha
Cause I'd give them the attention they should've gotten, the attention they deserve, but at the same time I'll give them ungodly amounts of angst and I'd be writing or drawing all that angst with this :3 face
#another fun fact hahah#both villain aus (the dia one and the one w all the champs) were supposed to be dead dove dont eat aus hahaha#like its supposed to be really fucked up in its core#the thing is my writing skill isnt doing it justice#and i wanna keep things a bit pg13 for now hahah#but hey yknow make do w that i have hahah#but in my heart those aus (the villain dia one especially) do be really really fucked up hahah#like.. the amounts of body horror and torture and gaslighting is insane#but yeah hahah#an ask and an answer#anon
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Oh man I forgot how analytically interested I was in the campfire crew (Veins gang? Do we need a new name for them now?) until this very moment. Felix Yulia William I love you all but shut up I’m going to live at the bar now.
#looks at mamoru hey what the fuck is going on over there#a few things from the other games just clicked in my head and my revelation really just boils down to what even is that guys deal#the only difference really is that it took me a while to realize there was something Not Quite Right about him specifically#whereas with everyone else it was like yeah theyre messed up in their own special way the second I laid eyes on them#I have a lot of thoughts about this that probably warrant another post instead of insane ramblings in the tags#hfm spoilers#kind of
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im going to rant
#i truly feel so alone right now and like nobody cares about me#i moved to an entirely new state and live alone and i dont know anyone#discord used to be full of friends but now everytime i tried talking in any of my servers im basically completely ignored#maybe ill get lucky and get a non verbal reaction in lieu of a response#and then i just tried telling someone hey you shouldnt use slurs because they are bad and offensive#and somehow everyone got mad at ME for not properly explaining why slurs are bad????#and then i kept asking for help someone plesse help me here if im doing bad why wont someone else explain#and then they say its just ‘your fault its all your fault you need to communicate better you started this you keep bringing it up’#but i said multiple times i was done and yet i kept getting pulled back in?$?#i tried talking in another server about it and then just got bitched at and blamed or ignored by people who i was convinced were my friends#but they werent treating me like a friend i felt like a criminal on trial#and i started crying and told them i was crying and then theyre like ‘its not that deep get over it’#and im like it IS that deep to me?? i feel like im going crazy?!#and ive been telling them this entire time how badly in strugglingand how alone i feel and then the election happened#and im like losing my fucking mind over here and NO ORN CARES#NO ONE FUCKING CARES#no one fucking cares about me#thats all this boils down to is not mattering#i dont know#i dont feel like i matter#im tired of being ignored and made to feel like its all my fault#is it my fault????#do i deserve this#do i need to stop talking??? nobod wants to talk to me#i feel like im going insane#i feel crazy#i feel alone and betrayed and abandoned and no one fucking asked if i was okay they just all…#nobody cares#nobody fucking cares#im one bad thing away from killing myself im so serious
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One of my characters for the new planescape game I'm joining is a swords bard who plays bagpipes as they charge into battle. How do they play the bagpipes while holding a sword, you ask? Well, one hand is holding the sword, one hand is holding the bagpipes, and their mage hand is helping to play the bagpipes.
One of my other two characters for the planescape game is a dragonborn moon druid who can use their breath weapon and limited flight ability while in wildshape.
And for a holiday oneshot where we're all playing different toys, I'm going to be slime/thinking putty and be a plasmoid monk.
#morrigan.text#morrigan plays dnd#campaign: planescape#oneshots#dnd oneshots#do not trust me to come up with character ideas after 10pm. You will get some wild shit.#and it's glorious.#yes I'm joining a 5th campaign. (only 4 in one week tho.)#I mean hey. I never end up having all three of my sessions in one weekend anyways and this game is the only thing keeping me sane.#might as well join another right?#I'm heartbroken I won't be able to recreate 3/4 of the characters I came up with today in the sims. But oh well.#that's what I get for choosing such a limited medium for my ''art''.#the bagpipes bard is so fucking funny to me and I love the concept dearly. As is the thinking putty plasmoid.#and moon druid who can use their breath weapon in wildshape is just plain insane lmao.#AND CAN FLY. This shit should not exist. But hey it's planescape and we're making it even more whacky than usual so it works.#making dnd characters to distract myself from the fact that the result of today's election might very well endanger over half of my friends#and all the other shit going on in my personal life.
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bad dating stories time: the shoe incident
so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.
at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.
he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?
and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.
but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.
i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?
(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)
and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.
i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.
that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.
i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.
anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.
i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.
we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.
he was okay at it.
eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.
soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.
realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:
"i can't get pregnant"
which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.
still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"
and then i was in my car, and i drove away.
if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.
and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.
WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.
we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.
do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.
and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.
then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.
and then they started making out.
i was close enough to hear it.
i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.
so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.
now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.
so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.
about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.
my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.
my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.
they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?
and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.
#dating stories#anecdotes#long post#funny story#babylon#im really bad at dating#like i can do a lot better than this but also it just was kind of a nightmare for me#shit like this did make the whole thing easier tho#like#every date after this i could go you know ive seen how bad it can get#and i lived#didnt even get shot#writing
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