#I’m happy for all the friends I have here who understand the insanity hehehe <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[aequitaes]

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[liaadumi]

hi!!! it’s been a while since i’ve ranted here last time hasn’t it?? well i’m not in a very nice head space right now (wow im on my period whats new) and i love writing on here like a little blog of insanity so!!! this is going to sound so corny but hear me out!!

one thing that i’ll never be able to truly understand about myself is that i’m so fucking envious!!! of everyone around me!! when it comes to love!!! like hello i’m not the center of the universe why does everything about this bother me so much!!

for example there’s this friend of mine in my class who has been in a very healthy, very cute relationship with her boyfriend for a while, and every time they’re next to me at school i tell them “awwww you guys are so cute tgt” but my mind constantly yells at me telling me how i’ll never experience this and that i’m such a sore fucking loser?? it makes me feel so bad because like?? why can’t i be happy for them??

i’ve always yearned for love wherever i went, since i was little i was the biggest fan of love stories and romantic books, giggling at those stupid fucking cutesy scenes where the main characters confess to each other and get together and all that. i was always like “hehehe i can’t wait for me to be next” and yet that next never came?? and the fact that in middle school i discovered that i’m a lesbian doesn’t help at all??? at first i thought it wasn’t that big of a deal but recently it’s been eating away at my sanity?? i started hating myself just for being like this, and i always think “why can’t i just be normal and like guys, maybe i would’ve gotten into a relationship by now if i did” even though…..i’m supportive of the whole community?? i’m a really big ally to all my friends, so why am i so hateful towards my own identity?

i live in a pretty homophobic country to be fair, and my region actually has the most conservative votes in the whole nation, so i’ve only met, like. 3 other sapphic girls in my whole city, and it frustrates me so much that if i had been born straight, there would have been thousands of boys that i could have fallen for and that could have liked me?? i just want to be loved

the other crushes i’ve had before went incredibly unrequited and i’ve just had my heart broken every time, and when i look at my current crush (who, wow, is actually a lesbian this time, so a random ugly ass guy won’t be able to charm her and break my heart in the process) (yes that has happened to me twice, don’t judge me, it’s embarassing) i always think, “she’s so out of my league man, i wish she would like me, i wish anyone would fucking like me” because what makes me so inferior to everyone else, to deter everyone from liking me romantically? this girl isn’t even out of my league? i’ve just gotten so used to thinking this, because of me being so unlovable, jesus.

every day i look at myself in the mirror, and i want to love myself, i want to think that my body is pretty, that my face is nice, but all i see is a fucking whale that shouldn’t even exist on this earth?? i’m not even faaaat per se, but like. i’ve never liked my body and i crumble whenever i see pretty skinny girls. i’m so jealous of them and of the love they receive and of the validation they get every day. i wish i could just starve myself and never look at food again.

i hate most things about myself. the only thing i can say that i remotely enjoy about me is the fact that i study hard. i love that i can get top grades in my class, even though that isn’t really something to be proud of, cause grades don’t matter in this society. yes i’m a fucking nerd, so what? i love memorising stuff for school and drowning in studies makes me forget about my crippling suicidal thoughts. i had been so happy these past 3 months constantly grinding biology every day for my olympiad, and now that it has passed (and i made a fucking fool of myself too, by not getting a high enough score for a mention) this gray sludge in my throat has come back to choke me and to make me feel utterly worthless. i’ve gotten so TIRED from studying so much to avoid my own problems.

anyway back to my point. i still can’t understand why no one likes me?? everyone always tells me “oh love will come to you when you least expect it” and it just fuels me with so much rage because???? do you REALLY think that. or do you just say that out of pity. i just wish i could love myself for who i am, i just wish someone would love me for who i am, you know?

i hate seeing happy couples and yes i am incredibly horribly selfish for saying this, but i just have to get this out of my chest because i physically can’t do this anymore. when is it going to be my turn to be happy, to be loved and held and cared for? more and more of my friends are getting into relationships and i always remain behind, like the fucking weirdo that i am. i wish i knew what was so wrong with me, so that i could correct myself into becoming the perfect girl so that other girls would like me. i’m studying to get into a med uni to become a doctor and yet i’m dwelling over the fact that i’ve never been in a relationship and i’m scared that i will never be in one ever.

i want to go on dates. i want to be able to hold hands with someone, to cuddle them, to feel their warmth seeping into me, to feel literally any romantic affection from a girl. that’s it. i want to be normal and experience these things. oh my fucking god i’m so cringe. please forgive me guys.

LOL this is NOT as deep as i make it sound but i am kinda sobbing my soul out as i am writing this. i genuinely just want someone to like me romantically. is it that much too ask. do you guys think i’ll just become a cat lady in the future #goalstbh but to be completely honest i don’t think i’ll reach that age to be one, i’m SO close to just killing myself and ending all my sadness, it’s insane. but well.

is something actually wrong with me, or do i just have to wait more to finally receive the love i’ve been yearning for since i took my first breath on this earth? god hasn’t blessed me with patience, so i don’t really know which one to believe.

i don’t know. i hope this is just a side effect of my period and that i will feel better soon (still horribly envious and jealous and sad, but less). thank you if you managed to get this far into my rant!! sorry for my cringeness, i just can’t hide it when i am depressed like now. that’s it, i think. i’m going to sleep, hope i don’t wake up tomorrow. LOL