#and. take my steroids. fuckin things

[mars-ipan]

got really lucky today and the phone call thing i had to do resolved itself which is great bc i DID lowkey have a mental breakdown over it. but i’m okay now and i’m gonna get lunch and take a nap and it’s gonna be okay

[st4rbwrry]

━━ 𝑘𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑚 .ᐟ satoru + getou.

warnings 𑄽𑄺 2.9k. fem chubby reader, lowercase intended, she/her pronouns, black coded, threesome but getou’s our boyfie so boyfriend’s best friend trope!, anal + vaginal penetration, oral [ f ], handjob, a few lil gay moments teehee, getou is kinda insecure, satoru takes most of the lead, spitting, choking, check ins, impact play, praising, condom use, cockwarming, creampie, potential polyamory?, minors aren’t welcomed!

━━━ ꒰ 𝑚𝑜𝑐ℎ𝑎’𝑠 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑡𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑠 .ᐟ ꒱ ; dedicated to my bestie bc she harassed me about a getou + gojo fic since i never continued impure :/ <3 @thecoochiefairy

their postures are statue-like once you step foot out of the bathroom, both men eyeing you from head to toe, getou instantly standing to his feet with clammy hands he rested on his hips. satoru remained seated, legs spread as he groaned and pulled at his soft snow hair. they were lost for words. while they were busy finding a bar to grab a drink at the mall, you wandered off in search of a lingerie set, finding a simple pearl white babydoll, sheer mesh bodice, an open flyaway back, and matching panty set. it made you feel pretty, so you wore it for them.

their silence made your heart race nervously, playing with the fabric as your eyes flicker between the two faces, waiting for a response.

"you like it?" your voice is quiet as a mouse.

"i love it," they say in unison. getou blinks, forgetting he was here, honestly.

"you're fuckin' gorgeous, baby," satoru finally stands, being the first one to walk towards you, cupping the side of your face in his palm. you grow hot immediately. "stunning."

even though you've never had the slightest sexual encounter with satoru, the way he had your mind running wild with imagination was near insanity. of course, it was wrong to think of another man while clearly in a committed relationship. but, it was impossible when he was always around you. making jokes here and there about clearly wanting to fuck you. the infatuation was clear as day. you hated your attraction to him. that's why you had to do this, why you wanted it. both of them at once. your feelings were mutual towards them equally, and the sexual tension would never ease unless this happened. plus, it was your birthday. and as your gift, you asked getou for this one thing. your puppy dog eyes making him unable to object.

"give me your hands," you hold out both of yours, getou swallowing and coming forward to gently clasp your small hand, satoru doing the same before you smile and turn, the men stumbling behind you with their eyes on your ass, guiding them towards the bedroom.

a rush of confidence sparks through you now. you've been wanting this for so long, so it's only right that you show them. closing the door behind them, they stare ahead, looking down to see your fingers delicately skid across their abdomens, lifting their shirts and moaning at the abs on both of their bodies. they were toned, buff in the arms but nothing steroid-like. deeply cut v-lines and slim waists. you nearly drool from the feel, desperate to clutch their waists as they fucked you hard without a care.

"baby," it's clear you're referring to getou by the purr in your voice, tits pressed firmly against his side as he looks down at you with a clench of his jaw.

"mhm?" is how he responds, trying his best to remain complacent.

"take control," you bat your lashes. "it's your pussy before his."

getou groans, satoru's grin is sadistic, finding himself clasping your wrist, taking your attention from your boyfriend and burning his eyes in your own, tugging you near him. he caresses your face admirably, humming.

"aren't you obedient," satoru's palm slaps against the side of your cheek as he chuckles, and to getou's point of view, it's absurdly violent. you've never felt this spark before, the action making your heart thump with excitement. the look on your boyfriend's face was pure anger, that deadpanned expression only meaning that he was ready to snap. satoru tries to do it again, but is stopped as soon as getou catches his wrist forcefully.

"are you asking to die?" getou seethes, satoru only raising a brow, no remorse.

"you're really blind, huh?" satoru laughs, side-eyeing you. "she likes it. don't tell me your sex life is that dull."

getou inhales, releasing his wrist once you touch the side of his face reassuringly, smiling hazily. "i like it, it's okay."

he's stuck. not sure how to respond nor react. there's so much more he has to know about you. teach himself about. even though it's only been four months into your relationship, he feels like a stranger, uneducated about your sexual desires. now he's concerned if he pleasures you enough or not. maybe this was a lesson. maybe he should let satoru do most of the work and observe while still being present. watch your reactions to things he says or does that rile you up. there was nothing wrong with being taught.

"tell me what you want," getou clenches his jaw, grabbing the back of your head and tugging softly. getou was extremely soft and caring during sex, and although you were fond of it, sometimes you wanted him to be the opposite. "i'll give you anything. just say it."

warmth fills your chest, so entranced by his sweetness. your eyes lock with satoru's, "wanna ride his face."

satoru tongues his inner cheek, looking you up and down once more. " 'course you do."

getou has his eyes on you the entire time, those big eyes of yours wide with anticipation. "can i?”

"don't ask me with that innocent tone. you're anything but," getou grunts, taking you back by his side possessively. "come sit on me."

you follow like a lost puppy, getou taking his seat on the middle of the bed, one leg propped up as you crawl on your hands and knees to him, your face in his hands he caressed gently with his thumbs, kissing you and admiring you a while longer. satoru stands behind you, tilting his head to the side to capture a picture of the cute set on your body, his hands on your ass he brings back to rub the outline of his jean-clad cock against, groaning.

"fuck, you're really soft," his hand gropes your ass hard and it makes you whine, getou watching as you bite your lip and brush back against satoru who's dry humping you through the mesh thong you wore. "my dick is so fuckin' hard right now."

you swear your clits pulsating like a goddamn vibrator, moaning into getou's mouth after he kisses you, his eyes dark and pointed viciously in satoru's way, shoving his tongue in your mouth, barely paying you attention. he's watching satoru, making sure he takes care of you, doesn't hurt you. because if he did, he'd have to hurt him. satoru chuckles from the quiet obvious threat, molding your flesh in his rough palms. you're arching your back like a cat, panting in your boyfriend's mouth who's aware of your body sensitivity. the smallest touches leaving you feral. a cool breeze of air hits your soaked core as satoru pulls your panties to your knees, raising them so they're off fully, needing access to every region.

"fuck, that's a nice ass pussy," satoru grins, knitting his dark brows together, crystal blue eyes darting between getou and your weeping cunt. you yelp when two of his fingers brush over your clit, sliding it up to your core he taps a few times and hums. then he's bringing his fingers to his nose, liking the smell before he's sucking them off. "damn, this really all yours?"

getou rolls his eyes after satoru whistles, not waiting for him to say anything, which he doesn't, blocking him out anyways. it's all about you. he wants you and he's gonna stay focused on that. he's lowering to his knees on the ground, positioning your thighs so they're spread wider, barely preparing you before he's literally kissing at your cunt with tongue, like full on making out with it. you shudder instantly, mouth dropping and gripping at getou's thigh as satoru grunts and slurps up your juices, thrusting those same fingers into you. your eyes widen partially when his tongue trails up to your puckering hole, spitting, then kissing it up, bobbing his head up and down the entirety of you.

"ooo, my god. . ." you gasp, grinding back against his face, blindly tugging at the waistband of getou's jeans, getou studying you as your face turns in ecstasy, fumbling with your hands as you pull out his cock, whimpering as you spit into your small hand before wrapping it around to pump. getou clenches his jaw, placing his hand over yours to stoke it together, his bubblegum lips pouty as he kisses you hard, swallowing your moans.

"like fuckin' candy," satoru kisses your clit hard, lips wet before he's sucking on it hard, tongue moving everywhere, skidding over your thighs as he laps you up with a deep ‘fuck’, jaw moving side to side and his hand spanking your ass slow like he's drunk, the impact hard. it's a pattern, his spews of fuck become monotonous the more he eats at it.

fuck. spank, then moved his mouth. fuck. spank, then applies more pressure with his tongue. fuck. spanks you ten times harder, then growls. it was driving you mad, unable to stop shifting your ass.

"he's not gonna stop until you cum," getou says, now holding your throat in his hand, your face contorted as you whine.

"not once," satoru counters, getou looking over your shoulder with a brow raised, eyes trailing back to yours without disagreement.

"more than once."

"m'almost there," you cry, his mouth all too good, never reaching an orgasm this quickly.

"are you?" getou hums tauntingly, running the pad of his thumb over your bottom lip. you nod, your breath hitching as he bites your lower lip and sucks, blood rushing. you jerk your hand faster, keeping it on the tip like he liked, getou folding easily, hips twitching.

"gonna give it to me?" satoru asks, never ceasing his assault, in love with the way your knees buckle.

"nnn, yea," you chew on your lips, already fucked out. not prepared for what they had in store for you next.

"yeah?" satoru mocks your tone, stuffing his fingers into you and moving to your desired pace. your vision goes static like an old television when you cum, falling forward to rest your cheek on your boyfriend's chest, both the men half stripping throughout your fixation. getou stops you from pulling at his dick, afraid he'll cum too quick. you have that affect on him.

satoru doesn't stop when you cum, he keeps going, more than once, he said. and he meant it. it's worse when getou pulls you up to suck on your neck, tugging at the hardened buds of your nipples , both men touching you at once was filthy, your head buzzing and your mouth nonstop with pornographic sonances. satoru takes his breath when he stands, licking you off his lips as if you were the best fucking dessert he's ever had. while you're left breathless, getou and satoru are pulling off the rest of their clothing, achingly hard they couldn't stand it any longer. you could read them well, especially getou, knowing when he's near done.

getou lays on his back and he pulls you on top of him, your messy face still so adorable. satoru grabs the bottle of lube and two condoms stashed in his drawer before coming back to the bed, brushing the white hair from his face and staring down at you as you turn to look behind yourself, teasing him by grinding your hips midair. satoru snickers, climbing on the bed and resting on his knees. he looks at getou.

"you go first."

your smile is lazy, hugging your man by his neck and cradling your face between it. getou holds out his hand, satoru passing him a condom, the gold packaging being torn with his teeth before he's tossing it aside and sliding it down his cock resting on his stomach.

"lift your hips," getou rasps, hands calloused on either side of your thighs, helping you up till he's sinking you down on it, stretching you good like he always does. you whimper by his ear, clenching your cunt around him once he's fully inside, swaying your ass, belly to belly as you grind and say his favorite word he liked to hear most of all from you; his name.

after satoru's secure, he spreads the lubricant over himself and then some on his fingers he uses to prep you. your cute little hole tensing when the heat from them grazes you, satoru telling you to take a deep breath and relax yourself before he's pressing against the unused entrance. you gasp when he managed to get them in, carefully thrusting past his knuckles. his fingers were as long as getou's. getou tries not to lose it, your pussy warming his cock with little to no movement. satoru continues to prep you for two more minutes, wanting to make sure he eases the discomfort just a bit.

"satoru," you whimper his name, giving him permission to take his turn.

it's a clear signal, and he doesn't waste time, towering over you and pinning down your lower back to arch you a little more. getou soothes you by caressing the sides of your legs, as well as smoothing them over your back. satoru aligns his reddened cockhead to your hole, kissing up your back as he gently pushes into you, inch by inch. the unknown stretch burns, getou turning his head to whisper comforting words to keep your mind off the pain, lifting his hips to fuck into you. the mixture of pain and pleasure has you clawing at his shoulders.

halfway in, satoru decides to bring you up, clutching your chin and getting his turn to taste your lips, sliding, slowly, deeper inside the longer his mouth moved with yours, getou observing you both.

"it's good? you're good?" satoru says in between breaths, hips so close to touching your ass.

"m'good. move, please."

it's enough to make both men move in sync, satoru biting at your neck with his face scrunched up, eyeing getou beneath you. the pain subsides, and all you feel are the tingles in the pit of your stomach, dragging out your moans as they both pounded into you, satoru finally getting deep like he wanted since you relaxed more.

"jesus, fuck . . . mmm," for some reason, the erotic expression on satoru's face makes getou blush, biting his lip as he watches the two of you lose yourselves. how you scratch at his shoulder and the elicit eye roll satoru does. getou never thought he'd feel like this, or like seeing you fuck another man so much.

"you look pretty as fuck taking both of us," getou grunts, smacking at your tits and you keen in shock. satoru must be getting to him now. you scream as the two men fuck you like they'd lost their sanity, gushing around getou's cock while satoru aggressively knocks his dick into you, both following each other's rhythms for you. your skin clashing, pouncing back on them.

"shit," getou whimpers, hips stuttering as he cums inside his condom, chest heaving erratically. you rush your hand over his hair, tugging and riding them still. satoru has his arm around your neck now, slamming his hips against your ass which makes you let go of getou, holding onto his forearm as your tongue lolls out and satoru switches positions.

you're lifted off getou, satoru tossing his condom off to slide into your sluice cunt, groaning and closing his eyes from the new feeling.

"cum inside me," it has getou stunned since you've never said that once, deathly afraid of the idea of pregnancy. maybe you gained a breeding kink overnight. he wonders what videos you researched prior to this that sparked this sudden fantasy to be dominated by two men, two roommates, two new best friends.

"was doing that anyways," he licks the shell of your ear with a malicious cackle. "bet you'd let me fuck you raw every day if it meant I'd get to fill you up."

"yess, baby," you weep, out of your mind entirely.

"baby?" satoru whistles, glaring at getou who only blinked. what's up with you? were you under his spell or something? "i like that. you tryna' make one with me?"

"get smacked," getou threatens.

satoru only grins, grabbing your chin and pressing his nose to your cheek, keeping his eyes on getou. "don't wanna be a daddy with me? it'd be fun. I'll push the stroller and you hold her hand so she doesn't trip with the other kid in her belly."

"cut it," getou seethes.

"you're no fun," satoru pouts, still fucking you back on his dick like it's nothing, your head spinning. his attentions back on you. "say it one more time for me."

"baby," you slur, swallowing the extra saliva built up in your mouth from drooling, giggling when he groans in approval.

"good fuckin' girl," satoru hisses, yanking you back hard, like some rag doll, your screams softening the longer he prolonged, balls slapping against your sticky clit and your tits bouncing so cutely in your babydoll set.

you slap your hands on getou's torso once you cum for your third time, tone drowning out by satoru's who growls and paints your tight walls white, your legs frantically twitching as you fall forward, getou swallowing, endlessly fascinated by you as he rubs you to cool you down.

"wanna watch it drip," satoru keens, raising your ass and holding the dip of your spine down, licking his lips as he watches the way his cum glides from you. "damn, i think it's my birthday, honestly."

you're spent, still shaky and barely having air left in your lungs. satoru leans over you, kisses your cheek with a loud 'muah!' before doing the same to getou, only he kisses him on the lips.

"don't kiss me, asshole!" getou splutters, palm over satoru's face as he shoved him away. you giggle weakly into your boyfriend's chest, reaching behind yourself to keep satoru pressed to your back for warmth, the three of you snuggled up comfortably.

“thank you babe,” you smile, elated.

“you’re welcome, baby,” they say in unison.

getou rolls his eyes, a petty grunt released. “she’s not talking to you.”

“s’okay, her pussy did,” satoru cackles, kissing your cheek with tongue to piss the black-haired man off even further. he remains silent. this time.

© 𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖆𝖛𝖎𝖑𝖊. please do not repost, steal, or modify my work simply because it is mine. stealing isn't cute. i'll ruin your life ♡

[oneforthemunny]

evieee i’m feeling soft and mushy and i had a thought... what was the eddies’ “oh. OH.” moment, like the exact moment they realized that reader was it for them and they actually wanted to marry reader :') i mean i know some eddies are not into the idea of marriage but that’s fine! but what about the others :') (also ily MWA)

omg this is so cute (ily2 mwahhh!)

so older!eddie you can actually read his because it’s the moment in don’t be cruel where they’re both with brielle and reader is just so happy and getting along with her and they’re actually getting along. that’s the first time he’s like yes i could marry her, i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

mafia!eddie it’s definitely after one of his more vulnerable moments. maybe after a particularly draining day when he lets the mask fall, so to say, and is open about how emotionally draining what he does is. the way she validates it and listens, tells him she doesn’t think less and just stands by him and supports. he’s looking at rings that next day.

boxer!eddie there’s an angst blurb with him about how he’s using steroids (found in vivis writing challenge masterlist) and the aftermath of that, when he sees how much she really cares and how passionate she is about him and his health and career. that’s really when he’s like, “damn. she does love me. and i really want to be with her forever.”

dom!eddie’s is definitely super simple and sweet, pretty early on too. they’re out listening to a band play somewhere, and she’s just all over him- very publically and unashamed. it’s not her usual scene but she goes for eddie. they’re both a little tipsy and he’s just absolutely love struck. feels like he wants to do everything and anything with her.

cowboy!eddie it would be the first time she came to one of his competitions. he told her not to come, didn’t want her to travel and move things around just for him, but she did anyways. didn’t tell him, just showed up and surprised him. it really meant a lot, and he’d tell her that much later, because normally he’d just say not to come bc no one ever showed up even if he asked. a defense mechanism for him really. so when she did it just meant the world to him and he wanted her to show up for everything for the rest of his life.

rockstar!eddie it was in nantucket. set after dark shadows when they take their trip to the summer house on the east coast. there was feelings there before with both of them, but they were still trying to fight them and hide them but this is where things change and they decide to try and date. but a specific moment would be during the fourth of july. there’s a firework show on the docks, eddie stands out from all the others clad in ralph lauren and linens and nb couldn’t love it more (such a stark contrast from the first meeting lol). it’s really mundane and something just flips and all eddies feelings come out and he’s just like ok i want to be with her.

janitor!eddie’s is really early on, really cutesy and simple. shortly after they start dating. his birthday, the first they celebrate together. she goes all out, gets steve’s help in planning a party at the hideout with all his friends. “even tried to reserve a room, munson. like we have a fuckin’ private room.” the owner cackled and told him. she got his favorite cake, even a gift, and he was so overwhelmed with affection and love and just was in love.

hockey!eddie it was pretty early on honestly. during the start of the season, their first together. he’s bummed because he’s out of town for halloween, his favorite holiday, and won’t get to celebrate. she flies out and surprises him, books a stay at a hotel for the holiday as a long weekend and the two go out. brings a costume (a special festive lingerie too for later) and they go out after eddie’s game to a bar that’s celebrating the holiday, they come back and spend the next day watching the halloween movie marathon on tv, splitting a bag of candy. just so casual and sweet, but eddie is head over heels.

modern!eddie, i mean he’s in love from the first moment lol but honestly, when she’s vulnerable with him. when she’s soft and shows a side of herself to him that feels so personal and special to see. he feels just overwhelmed and special to get to see it and is in love.

bouncer!eddie it’s so dumb but it’s true i’m sorry, and it’s the first time she lets him cum inside lmao. he’s been in love before but like she let him creampie her??? he’s never felt more connected and in love ever. genuinely. he’s so obsessed after that just infatuated.

[late-to-the-party-81]

If everything changes, will it stay the same?

AN: Here’s a little thing for @stuckygeekevents bingo, Square L3 - Howling Commandos. It’s a bit angsty, but I hope you enjoy it.

Beta'd by @zenaidamacrouras1

Dividers by @firefly-graphics and mood board by me.

Join my tag list here

Master list

Summary: After Steve’s one-man assault at Azzano, Bucky takes time during the walk back to allied territory to try and make sense of, well, everything. 

Relationship: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

WC: 2k

CW: Trauma, Bucky Barnes has PTSD, Confused Bucky, Worried Bucky, The Howling Commandos are good bros, The Howling Commandos know what’s up, slightly insecure Steve, bittersweet ending (cos we know what happens next), smoking.

All he had to do was put one foot in front of the other. Easy. Something he’d been able to do since he was 11 months old apparently, but, at this moment, it felt so goddamn hard! However, there was no way on God’s green earth that James ‘Bucky’ Barnes was going to ask for help. He’d walked into this war on his own two feet and he’d walk out of it too, torture or no torture.

Sergeant James Barnes. 32557038.

Rifle in hand, he scanned the group of men a few feet ahead of him, easily picking out the newly gigantic form that was Steve. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. What had those military pricks actually done to him? 

What had been done to him?

A hand clapped down on his shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts, and Bucky turned to look up into the grinning face of Dum-Dum. There’s nothing like serving in the same regiment with someone else to speed up the friend-making process. Especially when you end up as POW’s together.

32557038.

“So that’s little Stevie, huh? You told me that you hadn’t had any head injuries prior to joining up.” Dum-Dum’s tone was light and teasing and Bucky couldn’t help but flush.

“Ah, fuck off. He was when I left. Not my fault some wacko military scientist pumped him full of super-steroids and turned him into Charles-fucking-Atlas.”

Dum-Dum snorted. “Guess it’s gonna take you some getting used to, though?”

Bucky shrugged, trying to give off an air of nonchalance. “Won’t make any difference to me. As long as what they did didn’t give him any brain damage, he’ll still be the same old Stevie underneath.”

Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own.

“Hate to break it to you, sport, but the way he came charging into that hell-hole? Well doesn’t seem like a man in full charge of his faculties to me.”

Now it was Bucky’s turn to snort. “That? That wasn’t nothin’ new. That was classic Rogers - running in where angel’s fear to tread. The only difference now is that he’s apparently strong enough to not get his ass kicked from here to Sunday.”

“Well,” Dum-Dum conceded, “it must be a weight off your mind, an’ all. Gonna go check on some of the others, Barnes. Don’t push yourself too hard. Though suppose you do, little Stevie could always carry you.” His expression split into a shit-eating grin at the jibe and he ducked away before Bucky could gather himself to punch the guy in the arm.

Bucky’s lips twisted up wryly and he shook his head. Fuckin’ Duggan. Guy was a shit-stirrer of the highest magnitude, which coming from him was saying something. He had a point though, about not pushing himself too hard. To be honest, he wasn’t actually sure how he was still walking, given everything. To top it off, his brain still felt as though it had been chopped up and poured back into his head. 

32557038.

He tried to remember what had been being done to him, but it was a hazy blur of sleep deprivation and pain. He thought there had been needles. And a creepy little man with a round face and round glasses talking about hopefully ‘this one’ would survive the procedure.

Sergeant James Barnes.

He plodded on, keeping an eye on Steve as he walked ahead, but also trying to keep that gaze above the waist. The guy was wearing tights, for Christ’s sake and now he actually had an ass on him. It hadn’t been as bad when Steve had still had a pair of fatigues on over the top, but he’d loaned those out to one of the other survivors who’d had the misfortune to fall in a puddle. The pair of them definitely needed to have a talk, as soon as they got a semblance of privacy, but how Bucky was supposed to concentrate when all of that was gonna be standing in front of him, he had no idea.

“Sarge!”

Bucky whipped his head round at the sound of the familiar voice and tried not to groan. Morita jogged up to him, a grin on his bruised and dirtied face. The guy was great, even if he was sometimes a little too much.

“What is it, Morita?”

“That guy,” he jerked his head in Steve’s direction, “is really your… umm… friend?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said with a small smile. “He’s my friend. Grew up like brothers, I suppose you could say. Why?”

“Because he’s Captain-freaking-America.” Morita’s voice had dropped into a theatrical hiss. Bucky had often thought the guy could easily get a job on stage, once they all got out of here, of course. “And,” he continued, a small wheedling tone creeping in, “I wondered if you could ask him to autograph something for me to send home. My girl would be over the moon if I could tell her I knew him.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Jim. I don’t know if he does stuff like that. It’s not like we’ve had the opportunity to really talk yet, what with escaping and all.”

Not without you!

“Oh, yeah,” he replied, slightly chagrined. “Well, if you get the chance to ask. But no rush, or anything. How’re you holding up, anyway?”

“Alright, I suppose. A little achy and a lot tired, but I’m alive, so that’s the main thing, right?”

Morita reached out and squeezed Bucky’s forearm. “That it is, Sarge.”

Sergeant James Barnes.

They walked together for some time in companionable silence, and were eventually joined by Jones, who was carrying three cigarettes he’d managed to obtain from somewhere, and passed them both one each. Bucky shouldered his rifle and lit his, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as the nicotine hit him. “Damn that’s good. Thanks, Gabe.”

“No problem, Barnes. I think we all deserved one. Probably deserve a boat load if truth be told.”

“Damn straight, “ Morita chimed in, before blowing a plume of smoke into the air.

“You spoken to your buddy yet?” Gabe enquired.

“Umm, not really. I’m still a bit in shock, to be honest. Asked him for some space, and as loads of others were, are, buzzing round him like flies round shit, it wasn’t too hard to get away for a bit.”

Morita elbowed him. “He keeps looking over his shoulder at you, Sarge. Think he’s making sure you haven’t disappeared. Looking a bit like a lost puppy when he’s doin’ it too. I think you should go and walk by him for a bit.” Bucky thought Morita should just shut up…

“Yeah, Barnes. He did become a one-man army to save you. Least you could do is say thanks.” Gabe’s bright grin split his face as decided to join in with the ganging up. Fucker.

“It wasn’t just to save me guys. It was to save all of us. That’s Stevie through and through - always championing the underdog and doing what’s right, regardless of the rules. He hates bullies.”

“If you gotta tell yourself that, then you do so, but we all know it was ‘cause you was in danger that put a rocket up his ass. So with all due respect, Sergeant Barnes, go talk to your boy because he’s quickly becoming the most pathetic white man I’ve ever seen. And considering I shared a cell with Dernier, that’s saying somethin’.

Bucky took one last drag on his cigarette. “You two should go fuck yourselves, you know that?” He flicked the butt into the bushes as his two comrades just grinned at him. Then, with an eye roll, he stalked forward, catching up to where Steve was leading the rag-tag group of men back to the allied encampment. 

Steve’s smile as he realised it was Bucky coming towards him was so warm, Bucky felt as though another sun had risen into the sky. He barely noticed the others walking with them melting back into the main group of men.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said shyly.

“Hey, yourself.” Bucky felt just as awkward as Steve looked. During the rescue itself, Bucky had thought that what he’d been seeing was a drug induced fever-dream, but in the cold light of day, with his adrenaline levels returning to normal he could really take in all of the changes that had been wrought upon Steve. 

I thought you were smaller.

However, he wasn’t looking for those changes. No, he was trying to see beyond them to find the tell-tale signs of his Stevie. 

There was that familiar crooked nose, no weird science could apparently fix that. And Steve’s cow-lick - that lock of straw blonde hair that just wouldn’t stay in place, no matter how much of Bucky’s pomade Steve had stolen. However, the most important thing was Steve’s eyes. Deep blue with flecks of green, a colour he wanted to drown. His hand itched to take hold of Steve’s and interlace their fingers, but they couldn’t. Not now. As much as some of the others may suspect and tease him, there were some things that were definitely private. And that was assuming that Steve still wanted to hold his hand.

“You doing okay? You’re not too tired are you?” There was concern in Steve’s voice and it was enough to make Bucky laugh through the awkwardness of the situation.

“That used to be my line,” he joked. “But somehow, you’re now the motherhen. All two hun’red and sommin’ pounds of you. You better not get into any fights now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m gonna be able to carry your fat ass home.”

Steve went beet red - a look that was also familiar. “You think my ass is fat?” he whispered, aghast.

Bucky smirked. “ Well it sure ain’t skinny anymore, that’s for sure.” He received a glare and a set of pursed lips in response. “But, yeah. I’m okay. All the better for seeing you, pal, even if you won’t fit under my arm any more and you could probably bench press me.”

They walked next to each other, silence falling between them and Bucky was at a loss of what else to say. What were you supposed to say when the person who’s not only the centre of your world but who’s also supposed to be safely across on the other side of it, is actually standing by your side, having rescued you with his dramatically altered body. Nothing inside any of the fantastic stories Bucky had read in his youth had prepared him for such a mind-bending situation. “How are you doing?” was the only thing he could say.

“Buck…” Steve tried to speak, but his voice almost immediately cracked and he had to suck in a few deep breaths. “I was so scared,” he continued in a hushed tone. “So scared that you wouldn’t be there, or that you’d be…” He tailed off. He didn’t need to say it. Bucky was certain if Steve had been even fifteen minutes later there wouldn’t have been anything of him to save. He couldn’t comfort Steve the way he wanted, couldn’t hold him and pull Steve’s head into his own neck and let the pair of them cry the way they wanted, but he could lean a little bit to the side and let the back of his hand brush against the back of Steve’s. 

For a heartbeat their pinky fingers hooked together before falling away from each other again. However, that gesture was enough to both reassure Bucky and get his heart racing, just a little, before a sense of foreboding settled upon him again

“Everything’s changed, Steve,” Bucky mumbled, downcast. “And think you’re the least of those changes. I didn’t know it was going to be like this. I suppose everyone thinks they know, but nothing can prepare you. Not really. It’s brutal, in a way you can’t imagine, Stevie.”

32557038.

Bucky bit back a sob, and opened his eyes wide, willing the wetness gathering there to dry out. He wasn’t going to fall apart, especially not when he had Steve by his side, something he’d resigned himself to never having again.

The clap on his shoulder from Steve was nothing like the one from Duggan earlier. He could feel the warmth of Steve’s hand through his ragged top, his lean, artist fingers gripping him with surety.

“It’ll be alright, Buck. I got you out, and I’m right here with you. Til the end of the line.”

And as they continued to walk toward safety, Bucky just had to believe that was true.

Tag list: @christywrites, @alexakeyloveloki, @doasyoudesireandlive, @galactusdevourerofworlds,

@crayongirl-linz, @mightstill, @nicoline1998enilocin, @king814318,

@scram1326, @km-ffluv, @wheezy-stucky, @kmc1989,

@kombatfather1796

[kittykat8311]

How about you and me clean the house but you do all the actual cleaning and I just stand there telling you what to do 😇🖤

.

My brain on a weird one today, accidentally gone cold turkey on all my meds for like 48-72 hours cos I'm a fuckin numptity and now all the world is on fuckin steroids and I'm sat here watching fuckin broadchurch waiting to stop shaking when I have 4 million things to do and man I wish I had the spoons to look pretty now and then these days or even god forbid maybe sexy but most days it just feels like I'm doing the bare fuckin minimum to exist in a way I am at least slightly respected as a human and a woman and work is a mess and I need to improve my diet more and I'm cold but also I'm hot and i really want a nap but I'm on the clock but I have so much to do but yeah take your meds kids this your PSA 🖤

.

Outfit: @honourclothing / @skintwoglobal / @latexbyeustratia

Shine: @vivishine.company

.

#frenchmaid #blacklatex #latexfashion#latexmaid #latexcosplay

[konigsblog]

Don't mind me just doing my nightly lurk on your page. And omg I came across the best thing. That somnophilia story with the whole 141 and their sweet girl. And I just needed to know does it become a regular thing? Does she know/remember what happened? I just can’t get it out of my head.

Do they continue to take her back at base, sneaking into her room when they feel the urge only to find one of the others already in there having their way with her.

Do they let Alejandro and Rudy enjoy there post mission ritual with them, getting sweet princess all sleepy and drowsy, convincing her that it’s safe to have a little nap, before offering her up to the Mexicans.

I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like pervy 141 on steroids. Make my brain go brrruuu.

tw; somnophillia;

they use you daily !! usually they decide through sparring; ghost vs soap, price vs gaz, ect. ghost alwaysss gets your pussy :(( they're so worried taht you'll get used to his big cock and not let them in, using your cunny secretly afterwards.

you're always talking about waking up a bit sticky, cum crusted on your thighs and cunt, whimpering at the aching pain shooting down your legs whenever you stand. you complain about the painful ache in your legs to price, knowing fully well that he fucked your cunt raw and hard last night !!

up until one day, gaz wakes her up. your tight pussy squeezing around them, squirming until you fall victim to his arousal, becoming intoxicated and addicted to the way each curve hits that gummy spot again and again !! you beg him to go faster, telling him that you wanted him to ruin your virgin cunt until he tells you about all the things they'd done to you.

“not so sure you're a virgin, sweetheart.. not with the way we use you every night, but, god- that fuckin' cunny tightens around us perfectly, such a good girl for us, lettin' us ruin you at nighttime while you're all asleep.”

[painsandconfusion]

THE DOCTOR GAVE ME TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF STEROIDS AND APPARENTLY IM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CANT SLEEP WITH STEROIDS I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY I CANT HOLD STILL I FINISHED THE TABLE BUT FOR THE LEGS I NEED TO REPURCHASE FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE CUZ THOSE ARE THE WRONG SIZE I CLEANED I DID DISHES I MADE SOME FOOD AND ATE IT I CHANGED THE LAUNDRY OVER I TRIED A FEW NEW HAIRSTYLES AND DID YOGA

I WAS ON MY FUCKIN DEATHBED WHEN I WALKED INTO THAT CLINIC AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I COULD SCALLOP THE MOON

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

FUCK IF I KNOW JUST TAKE THE INFORMATION YOUGET MY VIBE.

I CAN DO THE IMPOSSILBE

IVE BARELY MOVED OR BREATHED IN DAYS NOW

LAST NIGHT WAS PURE AGONY EVERY TIME I COUGHED IT WAS LIKE RAZORBLADES UP MY THROAT IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL I WAS COUGHING UP BLOOD I COULDNT BREATHE I GOT DIAGNOSED WITH LIKE FOUR DIFFERENT THINGS AT ONCE AND 'ONE FEVER AWAY FROM PNEUMONIA'

BUT

I CANT

FUCKING

HOLD

STILL

I KNOW THIS IS JUST ZOOM JOICE AND A SHIT TON OF NUMBERS AND PAINKILLERS AND I NEED TO SIT DOWN AND STOP DOINGN EXERTION OR IM GONNA EXHAUST MY POOR DEAD BODY

BUT I FEEL SO FUCKING GOOD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SO LONGGGGGGG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[astro-nomaly]

Graveyard Shift AU

I desperately need to talk ab my ninjago ghost au, and I'm making all of you listen to my yap session (seriously i have a Pinterest board and a playlist I've gone insane)

OKAY so first of all this is technically a modern au that takes place in vaguely america bc that's where i live and the culture is most familiar to me but Lloyd is asian (vietnamese mother, japanese father) and technically the continent is still called Ninjago. Anyways Lloyd lives with his mother Misako in Ninjago City (like in the movie). To his knowledge, his father walked out on them when he was 4-5, and his mom had a HUGE fight with his uncle shortly after, which has led to Wu being extremely estranged from him. Lloyd knows next to nothing ab his dad or uncle bc Misako hates talking ab both of them. Lloyd is routinely left home alone for weeks at a time bc Misako is an archeologist who frequently leaves the country to go on digs or whatever archeologists do. She's like borderline neglectful but not a bad person okay. Anyways backstory aside I guess the inciting incident is Lloyd getting relocated by CPS. His mom has been out of the country for 2 months now, way longer than she should be, and hasn't so much as left him on read for like two weeks, which is a problem since he ran out of money for food, so he's been eating like ramen for two weeks straight.

Anyways a neighbor gets concerned and calls CPS on his ass, and they're like "yeah no this is fucked" so after they can't get ahold of Misako, they relocate him with his uncle in Jamanakai Village, which is probably the Worst Possible Place

Anyways Lloyd fuckin HATES Wu just on principle and also abandonment issues. Plus going from a parent who barely knows what ur favorite color is to an estranged uncle up your ass ab grades and leaving the room for an hour a day is a hell of a transition. Anyways their relationship is rocky at best until Lloyd gets shot which I'll get to

Basically Lloyd attends school for a few weeks where he immediately befriends Harumi (his stalker and a cultist) and Akita (a shapeshifting fae who Really Wants Him Dead). For now, Akita isn't a problem, and Harumi isn't... much of a problem

After a while of Lloyd getting into fights (he has a history of getting bullied bc shocker his freaky ghost powers give him demon eyes ((he doesn't know he has these powers yet)) and his grades slipping Wu makes him get a job as like a discipline thing. Instead of working in his uncle's tea shop where'd he probably get more than minimum wage bc nepotism, he spites Wu by choosing to work at a goddamn graveyard (get it? Graveyard Shift?) run by Mystake. At first Wu hates this bc it's a graveyard and also he knows shit ab Lloyd that Lloyd doesn't (COUGH ghost powers COUGH) but he eventually relents (IDIOT)

So Lloyd works at a graveyard for a few weeks, during which he meets a random stray cat he names Jade (the cat is Harumi. I promise I will explain the whole Harumi thing in another post but this is strictly storyline shit rn) and one night while he's walking home from work, he gets followed and shot by some hooded figure. One near death experience later he's waking up in a hospital after like a week with even freakier eyeballs and the ability to see ghosts. Basically, his powers were stunted by a deepstone ring his mother gave him, but a near death experience rendered it basically useless since it brought out too much power for the ring to really do anything about.

So Lloyd basically kicks off a vigilante arc when almost immediately the town starts getting attacked by ghosts determined to cause chaos everywhere Danny-Phantom-style. He denies being a vigilante bc he thinks it's cringey but his other option is calling himself a ghostbuster.

Anyways it's later revealed that someone called The Quiet One is the one summoning and putting ghosts on steroids to like. Make Lloyd use his powers a whole bunch bc she really wants him to go with her back to her cult. At the same time, a shapeshifting girl in a wolf mask starts trying to murder both of them and she absolutely refuses to explain why. So an episodic type structure ensues with villain-of-the-week ghosts popping up for Lloyd to test his powers on while QO stands around in the background trying to either a) convince him to go with her to her cult bc she just has so many answers or b) flat out kidnap him with increasingly ridiculous schemes that never work, either bc of Red the Murderous Wolf with a Very Big Knife, or general Looney-Tunes shenanigans, while Red is still trying to murder them both with equal levels of Looney-Tunes shenanigans. Also, Lloyd gets a boyfriend. This is a Problem. At the same time, Lloyd is trying to figure out Ghost Lore by himself while simultaneously hiding his vigilante/ghostbuster shit from his friends and boyfriend, one (technically two) of which already know ab said ghostbuster bullshit. Also, his mom is still missing.

Eventually everything goes to shit and the horror genre of this really kicks in when Dareth (Lloyd's social worker) reveals that Misako never so much as checked into her hotel room, which is weird since Lloyd had gotten texts from her for like over a month where she told him all kinds of stuff ab work. He comes to the conclusion that she up and abandoned him, and in an attempt to run away from this conclusion, decides to impulsively explore the tomb in the middle of the graveyard, which the ghost gang (uh. the ninja and morro. The ninja are all ghosts in this au) thinks has tons of Ghost Lore inside. It's during this that he finds a scroll about a Realm Crystal and its location/how to use it. Jade, who followed him into the tomb, tries to use Mystake's appearance to manipulate him into handing it over, and it's revealed that she's been stalking him and impersonating like half the people in his life. (I promise I'll explain her deal in another post) anyways the psychological horror kicks in and the whole thing dominoes into Wu getting kidnapped when Harumi gives up on the friendship ruse (not that she isn't actually Lloyd's friend. She loves him and Akita, she's just really fuckin desperate and in the middle of a breakdown), and Lloyd getting portalled away. He calls Akita for help, Akita figures out he's Conduit (uh. that's his code name) and her identity is also revealed when she tries to murder him (she's also having big emotions ab this)

So now Lloyd is attempting to get to the Realm Crystal/save his parents and uncle from a cult while both Harumi and Akita are chasing him and trying to kidnap/murder him. which is what was already happening but now it's three-way angst fests and mental breakdowns. Also Lloyd gets saddled with Dareth, who is strapped and has no other competent qualities aside from his ability to make dumplings. Blah blah blah they eventually have a big three-way fight at like idk a temple, Lloyd is kidnapped, Harumi has a crisis and decides "fuck wait i love these guys and i hate this cult. also i don't want the world to end" and does a 180 and switches sides. Akita is deciding that she isn't okay with killing her friends while she teams up with Dareth to un-kidnap Lloyd. Redemptions and forgiveness underway, Lloyd gets possessed by the Preeminent, body horror ensues, boss fight ensues, bam down. In case you haven't noticed I plot aus like they're fanfics and I've been thinking about this one for a hot fuckin second

Thanks for attending the yap session y'all you can leave now

[whumpiary]

🥇 Pick one aspect of your story that you are particularly fond of. Anything at all. and

🧿 Whether you actually get there or not, what are your hopes for your OC's future? !! -wildfaewhump

Oh my these answers got long. Putting them under the cut!

🥇 Pick one aspect of your story that you are particularly fond of. Anything at all.

I am fond of the lore around supernatural abilities that I have! Even if its more... implicit and implied rather than ever explored outright lol. Maybe one day.

The first ideas spawned from two places: a) the concept of empathy being like... a positive evolutionary trait. And then following the thread of okay, so if empathy is a step forward in evolution, then what happens when that steps forward, or when other "gut feeling" things step forward, or mutate, or spin out of control. And, b) a slightly reactionary thing to when people go "neurodivergence is a superpower!" "survivor instincts are a superpower!". Because like... no, lol, but also if those things were like a superpower, would it actually help anyone? Could you actually do anything with a superpower if you're already disenfranchised, locked out from support, isolated from community?

Cass can feel what people want (see: fawn response on steroids) and even change what they want and control, but does that actually help him to find care and connection? Does that actually get him what he wants? Lou is hyper aware of the emotions of people around her (see: hyper empathy in ND people), and even trace and manipulate memories through those emotions, but does that help her understand people or does it just make her frustrated and cold because connecting with anyone is overwhelming? Harley can (kind of) predict the future, (and don't autism and trauma backgrounds both make us so so good at predicting patterns), but does that actually help them to lift themself out of the situation they're stuck in, or does it just leave them bracing for impact and frozen?

I think it's interesting conceptually, crunchy in pratice, and I fuckin' love chewing on it. Would hate to ever actually explore it in the text itself lmao, but I'm really proud of it as a take on supernatural abilities and how they might manifest and intersect with the way we know brains do things in our world.

-

🧿 Whether you actually get there or not, what are your hopes for your OC's future?

I've said a few things about this before but I have a relatively clear vision of (at least) Cass and Josiah's future! Cass ends up working in early childhood education (pre-school age). I kinda like the idea of him maybe getting into some volunteer advocacy work at some point, because he figures out its a constructive place for his anger and sense of injustice to go, but also maybe he just runs one of those like rage yoga classes for kids.

This happens before present timeline, but is also one of those headcanon-y things that just never comes up: Josiah used the pay-off he got from the Facility to buy a small block of apartments* and gets an income from being a landlord, he lives on that during times it's hard for him to keep a day job down. Cass and him eventually live in the top floor apartment of that little block.

For a while, Josiah continues to do trade work, mostly as something to do during the day because he's never not worked, and he kind of likes laboring.

I like the idea of Cass coaxing Jos into making baking a full time thing. He wouldn't want to run the front of the shop but I can see him opening up a little cafe where he gets to bake his goods, maybe cook a few meals, and has someone chirpy in the front to deal with customers. I reckon he'd like that.

*(he got upset when he found out that Lou and Mal were being kicked from the place they loved because the landlord was selling and realised he had enough in the bank to make an offer, so he did and didn't tell them until like six months later.)

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

Ok Vent post time. Not to share my medical history but I'm gonna tell you a story and you let me know when you would have gone joker mode. In 2021 I finally got around to getting a testosterone prescription. They put me on the injections and I quickly realized I can't do needles. I'm not afraid of them, I don't mind someone else injecting me if they know how to do it. I can inject other people I worked at an animal shelter where I had to do it to squirming cats regularly. I just have a mental block about doing it to myself for some reason. So I went on the patch. My insurance would not cover the patch so I had to make several calls about it. I finally got them to cover the patch after a month of pestering and then it was only because the prescription on the other testosterone had rolled over so I would have needed new meds anyway. I had a skin reaction from the patch after two months on it and for whatever reason I wasn't seeing results. I switched to the Gel. My insurance would not cover the gel and I spent 2 weeks in a fight with my insurance company. Then the pharmacy did not have it stocked and I was shit out of luck for another two weeks. At this point between august and december I had been switching off whether I had more estrogen or more testosterone on a more or less monthly fuckin basis. A puberty a month.

Finally in January I got on my t gel and that was pretty regular until December, when I missed my appointment, that's my bad but I have adhd. I made another appointment and got in within two days of the appointment I had missed, but apparently that had been enough to throw the whole thing off. I have to wait a week and a half for the pharmacy to actually refill my prescription. I get through to the beginning of February when I am once again out. They have the prescription, I have a refill left. They say they do not have the medication in. I go in every day for a week and a half to see if it has come in yet. at one point they tell me to call around to other pharmacies to see if anyone has it. I do, but of course no one just has it sitting on a shelf because it's a controlled substance because politicians in the 80s and 90s got mad about their fucking baseball teams losing and literally no other reason. The pharmacy will not give me any more information. Eventually I get a 15 day supply which for me is 30 packets because I'm on a high dose. I wait exactly 10 days later to ask for more so that if they have the ordering it problem again the have 5 days to figure it out before I'm fresh out. They give me another 15 day supply on the day I run out. Perfect. I once again request a refill 5 days early just in case. next day I get a text that says that My doctor refused the refill. I then get another text saying that my prescription is ready (I'm not running low on any other meds) so I assumed that they worked it out. I go in to get my meds when I have the time a couple of days later and, surprise, they did not work it out. I am given my psych meds for which I still have a healthy supply. I have one day left of my T prescription, so I ask about my other prescription(not specifying T), and the pharmacist says that it once again hasn't gotten it in yet and they don't have it in stock because it's a controlled substance so they have to order it. It takes me three more days of this same miscommunication to figure out that they're talking about a steroid creme for my acne that I was prescribed a 2 weeks ago and had forgotten about and not my testosterone, and I have to call the Planned Parenthood to get them to refill my prescription. I call Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood says they declined the refill because the pharmacy put a misleading message that I was requesting the refill early in there because somewhere along the line somebody at the pharmacy had got it in their head that my dose was one packet a day instead of two. They send me to the nurse line I'm on hold for 2 hours before I give up leave a message and try calling back tomorrow. I call back the next day and the person manages to get my prescription through this time. So that's a whole fucking 5 days off t and then it's the weekend and the pharmacy doesn't have any meds come in on the weekend.

I've gone in every single day this week to ask if they have it in yet and I still do not have my testosterone.

Where in this do I become the Joker for trans people? I should not be expected to handle this maturely when my hormones are all over the place like this.

[cesium-sheep]

appointment was really like, emotionally exhausting for some reason. doc was fine, they made sure to really really cushion their statements about like "hey I know this is a really stressful process, I'd like to give you some mental health resources that you don't have to do anything with if you don't want to that's fine" and "eventually it would be best to get you off the steroids but of course we're really not in a position to do that right now it's just something we need to keep on our radar" and like, I do appreciate that. honestly I wonder why they're in primary care, since mental healthcare seems to be their Thing. but I'm just. tired. I'm tired of just kind of waiting on referrals forever and hoping maybe this specialist won't take one glance at me and throw me out on my ear without so much as a how do you do, and I did say like hey if we want to get off the steroids we're probably going to have to start throwing spaghetti at the wall because I am clearly undermedicated, but like. I have been in a holding pattern since. before I had a doctor again. the last positive change made to my medication regimen was my own, and no one has offered anything else except for "hey maybe not that?" from two separate doctors which, absolutely the fuck not, you have to offer me a trade not just take something from me and hope it doesn't kill me.

also if I start having a lot of trouble breathing I'm supposed to go to the er. (in addition to last month's if I start having sudden neurological symptoms I should go to the er.) which like, god only fuckin knows what that means tbh.

arin let me be sad at her for a minute but she really wants to get the dishes done before matt gets home and I guess she forgot until my appointment. I explained to her about the kinda wishing it was cancer and she seemed to totally understand.

[elviratheepic]

Idk if I'll stick with this, but I've been in hospital for over a week now and I can feel my brain turning to mush, so I'm thinking it might be good to post like a journal thingy here. I can just throw my thoughts to the void and if anyone feels like throwing any thoughts back at me, maybe I'll reminded what human interaction is lol

And who knows, maybe some bits and pieces of my experiences rn might be handy to someone who ends up seeing it. This is a weird time for me, maybe someone else around here's having, has had or will have some similar weird times and we'll have made a little connection even if we don't speak :)

I mentioned it briefly in a post on my art blog, but to flesh it out a bit, I've been generally run down and really quite unwell like all summer and now into autumn. Been back and forth to the doctor, told I have chest infections, possible asthma, etc. I get booked in for an xray and then something looks weird so a ct scan, still thinking it's pneumonia with some odd symptoms, then a couple days later I get a call from my doctor telling me i am going to the hospital asap, there's a bunch of fluid in my chest that should not be there and also they need to check for lymphoma. I've never been to hospital for more than an orthodontist appointment and while not as surprised as I could be expected to be by the thought of cancer due to having had a weird anxiety fixation thing on the idea for a while (fun coincidence), it was still a bit of an ordeal lol. This was 10 days ago and I have not been home since. I've been coping pretty well considering the wild lack of control I feel over literally anything rn. The steroids they've got me on rn while I wait for further treatment have me feeling better than I have in a long while, and mentally the worst I've been dealing with is some fairly mild dissociation. Just kind of taking things as they come for now, rolling with things as best I can especially while so many things are kind of a bit up in the air and subject to change.

But I mean drama aside, the current diagnosis for me is pretty good. The cancer as it appears right now is treatable and has a pretty great cure rate. It's a "primary mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma" according to the leaflet I've got. It's high grade, so fast acting and aggressive but that actually makes these easier to get rid of than low grade slower working ones. It's hanging out next to my heart so that's the reason I've had all these bullshit symptoms in my chest cuz it's just been fuckin shit up in there and irritating its roommates. They've got me booked in for a pet scan day after tomorrow cuz the scanner was having issues so they couldn't get me in sooner, then the plan is to start chemotherapy the next day. Which will be an experience. The treatment plan we've basically already decided is 6 21-day cycles of chemo where I'll be in hospital for about 5 days getting monitored and adjusted treatment, then going home for the rest and coming back to start the cycle again. It's not going to be the most fun and easy experience of my life but tbh I've done hard things before and I know I'm capable of doing this. Not that this kind of thing can ever really come at a "good" time, but I think that personally I'm pretty lucky this came along at the point in my life it did. I've been able to spend the last couple years basically building myself back up from feeling entirely lost, shattered and directionless after a pretty traumatic attempt at university durring covid lockdowns. I'm maybe lacking in some life experience people my age tend to have, but ultimately I have confidence, strength and self-awareness now that I do not take for granted. Basically I got the chance to reinforce my foundations in unkowing preparation for this whole thing. Honestly, I'm kind of just curious who I'll be on the other side of this experience - wherever that may be.

My main concern has been my siblings. I'm the oldest of 3 and we're all very close, spend a lot of time together and are at the core of eachothers' support systems. One of them's got college stress and deadlines, the other's out of school with anxiety issues rn, and my instinct is to be there as a support. And of course they would be supporting me too, it's not all give, they're amazing at being there for me too especially while I've been unwell (I love them so so much and I'm proud of everything they do can you tell lol). But while they have been visiting when they can, we don't get so much time together rn with me being in hospital and I feel like it's hard to get a gauge on how things really are with eachother at the moment which is rough with there being so much change going on rn. I know we'll figure things out, but I can't help worrying about them a bit, I feel like it's kind of my job lol

Oof can you tell it's getting late and my brain's going sleepy ramble mode? Idk if I'm even making much sense but hey

The ward I've been moved to for this is good. It's a cancer ward for teens and young adults with a common room area funded by the teenage cancer trust. There's guitars, a ps4, craft supplies and free snacks. It feels so weird that like that space is for me to use, like I'm kinda tresspassing on something for people who need it more than I do. But the ward's fairly quiet and not so busy at the moment, so when my siblings and briefly my friend came to visit me today, we basically had free reign of the space without having to disturb anyone. I feel more comfortable in there than I did, and I think it's a good space for my siblings to be when they come visit. I'm really greatful they get to use it with me - even if I feel kind of like others deserve the space more (ik im being silly), seeing them get good use and some fun out of it today was good and reassuring. It's reassuring to hear people talking about there being support systems for siblings too should they need them. Especially when it feels like I can't look out for them so much in the ways I normally would.

But yeah, I think that's about all that's in my brain for right now. I'll look back on this tomorrow and realise none of this actually made any sense lol

But yeah basically got thrown a bit of a curveball lately as life tends to do, but there's answers now where there wasn't before, and the path ahead's starting to make itself visible. It sucks, but I've been worse. I'm not just saying that for the sake of offsetting the fact that it sucks, I'm just taking the the little wins where i can cuz I know that's gotten me through plenty rough and sucky times before.

Some little wins:

Woke up to magpies outside the window this morning. One came right up to the glass to say hi, but I couldn't snap a picture in time lol <3

My friend brought me a rainbow sensory slug companion, and I made a pipecleaner creature named Spigley while my siblings were here. They are friends and will be my chemo companions :)

(Idk if that's a mouth or a moustache but i think it suits him either way)

[howaboutcastiel]

I wanna just clarify again about the ch3mo and part 3

I don’t have cancer, and technically calling it “chemotherapy” is a fucking over-dramatic way of spinning it, but it is chemotherapy. I take a low dose of what is considered “maintenance” chemotherapy as a targeted immunosuppressant for an autoimmune disease that I have. I have to take the medication (along with a steroid injection) by IV every six weeks, either until I die or until the medicine stops working / I grow antibodies to it, and they switch me to something else.

The disease is somewhat hereditary, and because my parents also have it (though it wasn’t onset for them until their late 30s, for me I was 14/15 and diagnosed at 16), there are a lot of expectations for me to “just suck it up” and act like the medication doesn’t fucking wreck my body.

Some side effects of the medication are general things like nausea, fever, fatigue, but there are long term effects that are like ‘real’ chemo too. For my mom, her hair and nails thinned from similar treatment. I instead develop pretty serious rashes on my scalp, my underarms, and even sometimes my legs. Anywhere that thick hair grows (yes… *there* too), though my hair doesn’t thin from my current meds (it has on other meds before, that was fuckin mortifying). I have peripheral neuropathy which will only continue to increase as the medicine damages the nerves in my hands and feet. It’s not like cancer chemo, I’m not violently ill and losing my hair and prohibited from doing certain things, but it is still draining.

It’s also not a cure for my disease, it’s a treatment of the symptoms. I still live with the disease and it’s own shitty effects on my body. But enough of the pity party. I wanted to clear up that I don’t have cancer, I’m not trying to pretend that I do have cancer, I’m only trying to dramatize my experience and turn it into fanfiction material. I just want someone to take care of me on treatment day. I feel like that has never and will never happen. And I know I don’t need it, I know I’m an adult, I know my parents don’t wallow the way that I do about it.

But I want the boys to take care of me. I just wanna pretend that they would. That they will.

[kittykat8311]

How about you and me clean the house but you do all the actual cleaning and I just stand there telling you what to do 😇🖤

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My brain on a weird one today, accidentally gone cold turkey on all my meds for like 48-72 hours cos I'm a fuckin numptity and now all the world is on fuckin steroids and I'm sat here watching fuckin broadchurch waiting to stop shaking when I have 4 million things to do and man I wish I had the spoons to look pretty now and then these days or even god forbid maybe sexy but most days it just feels like I'm doing the bare fuckin minimum to exist in a way I am at least slightly respected as a human and a woman and work is a mess and I need to improve my diet more and I'm cold but also I'm hot and i really want a nap but I'm on the clock but I have so much to do but yeah take your meds kids this your PSA 🖤

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Outfit: @honourclothing / @skintwoglobal / @latexbyeustratia

Shine: @vivishine.company

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#frenchmaid #blacklatex #latexfashion#latexmaid #latexcosplay

[dzpenumbra]

4/27/23

Okay so... I got to bed at around 2:30. And I struggled to get to sleep pretty bad. Like, tossing and turning and not able to actually fall asleep. I got there eventually, but was woken up by the sound of some really loud appliance, I still have no idea what it was or where it was coming from. This sound was at 5:50 AM. And I was supposed to be up for my apartment inspection at 9. I had an alarm set and everything.

I laid there for - no exaggeration - 2.5 hours trying to fall asleep again. No phone, no apps, just laying in bed with my eyes closed, trying to fall asleep. Doing breathing exercises, doing body relaxation techniques, visualization techniques, you name it. Everything I've learned over like 15 years of studying sleep hygiene techniques. And I just gave up and got up at like 8:30.

The guy showed up for the inspection at like 9:30, it was super quick, just an electrical inspection or something. He even gave me compliments about how clean my place was, which blew my mind. I started on a new abstract drawing, I'm gonna work on it more and I'll post it when it's done.

I went to take a nap around... fuck man, I don't even know. The whole day has been a huge blur, unfortunately. Temporally, at least. I put in the earbuds and put on some binaural beat thing for a 90 minute nap and... same problem. I "forgot" how to fall asleep. I've gotten this before, and it's like... it's a fucking torturous feeling. Being absolutely utterly exhausted... and not being able to fall asleep. And not knowing why, not knowing what you're doing wrong.

I napped successfully, though, and had some of the most intense dreams I've had in a long fuckin time. It was surreally like... norse-age, with these weird mutated people that were cutting off a water supply or something? I have no clue and that probably sounds ridiculous, but this dream was legit one of the most vivid I've had in ages. The colors, the sounds, the imagery; so memorable. I might try fucking with that binaural stuff to see if I can amplify how vivid my dreams get. You know... intentionally... like when I want it to happen.

I woke up at like... 2, I think? My car reservation was at 1, but was until 5. I made sure to book a big window just in case something like this happened, I just didn't expect it to be... like 4 hours of sleep total.

And I looked up like... more sleep techniques and the shit I was doing was literally what they train for people in the military who need to sleep while sitting up and shit. And it didn't fucking work. And it said on there, this might not work with people who have ADHD and/or anxiety issues. Welp, there ya go...

I showered and said fuck it and went. The walk to the car alone had my shins fuckin throbbing. I speed-walk a bit too much when I walk around the city, I'm just... 1). not used to urban environments and they still make me feel unsafe, and 2). not used to walking in shoes, tbh.

But that was remedied (and reminded, which is why I even noticed the speed-walking) by finally getting back into nature.

A quick stop at Walgreens first, to get the steroid cream the doctor prescribed me... a month ago... And they had to redo it, because of how long it took me to get there. XD So I sat there nodding off for like... 20 minutes...

But then I went to the park. And I got to hike barefoot again, and it was such an at-home feeling. I was out there until like 6. I think it was a total of about 3 miles of walking? I explored a bunch, they had some cool constructions like staircases and bridges and shit, very well-made stuff. There was even a beach right on the lake, it was very pretty and peaceful. I found some rocks that I brought home, I'm going to try to clean them up and see how they come out. There was a decent amount of sandstone there, which is actually pretty cool because it's super soft, so it's easy to carve. I'm going to see what working with it is like and then go from there, if I feel like trying to source more. It's cool how different the types of stone are around here.

For real, just being out in the woods alone, no music, no distractions, just me and nature, bare feet on the ground, wind on the skin, it was great. I missed it a lot. It's like... the polar opposite of how I feel when I'm in the city... XD

Driving wasn't as nerve-wracking as I thought. It was fine. Got the car back half an hour early, ordered a pizza. The car did cost a total of $50 for it being mine from 1-7... (I added 2 hours and I'm glad I did) which is like... ugh... But when you consider I never actually drive anywhere and compare that to buying a car, or paying lease payments? It ain't bad, especially when I don't even pay for gas.

So yeah, those earplugs I ordered were delivered this afternoon. Talk about fucking timing... -_- I'm gonna try them tonight. Like I said a few nights ago, I don't have to listen out for pets anymore, so... fuck it. Hope they work for me, I think if I can sleep with AirPods in, I should be able to sleep with earplugs in okay.

Definitely bed time. I can barely keep my eyes open.

[joytraveler]

70: Brass Knuckle Boxing

This seems to be a sequel to the strangely gory boxing game Bea played earlier, but this time there are some new additions: you can choose to play a male or female fighter, and there seems to be a store where you can buy upgrades for your fighter!

"Oh I'm picking her! And now we're gonna get some real good spiky torture gloves, if they- oh. Wow they actually do, holy cow. Okay. Sold!"

"I SHOULDN'T be surprised, but.."

Syrupentine: Co-ed boxing?? YES Llord_Kuruku: Sisters are doing it for themselves berd_snurglar: but, but women can't do a sports, they'll get their hair all tangled in their boobs and get the game will get called on account of period Baconnaise: Yeah I flooded the stage at the school play one time Klickitat_Street: Is it bad that this talk really does make me uncomfortable? -_-;

The first opponent on this circuit is "Half Jones". who waves to the crowd while facing Bea's left, but then turns to reveal he's entirely robotic on his right side! And that's a wicked-looking piston he's got instead of a right fist!

Glockroach: Look at this fuckin guy, Bea's here to make sure there's No Jones left after this HNV: Bea, I don't want to tell you how to play the game, but I think his weakness is going to be his left side. Just a hunch.

"Yeah he's pretty smug look- wait wait don't talk at me while I'm trying not to get my knock blocked off!!"

"Looks like someone still has their pitiful human kidney!" PUNCH

Half Jones really doesn't like having his flesh parts punched into his metal parts! Eventually his eye is swollen shut and he can only see with his glowing red optical sensor on the other side, which defends a lot better-- but Bea can tell when he's looking away and that's a cue when to hammer him!

"Good thing I got these gloves or my hands would be almost as mushy as you are, buddy!" When he finally shoots off some sparks and goes down!

Llord_Kuruku: Toasted! HNV: Maybe you should take on Tyson one of these nights after all!

The purse you win for putting down Jones enables Bea to purchase some newly unlocked gear-- some of which are parts she recognizes from Half Jones himself. But the most expensive thing that she can't afford yet in the shop seems to be just a small blue pill!

TaichouSenseiKun: Bea will MegaMan her way to boxing stardom. Then box the stars Baconnaise: Bea, save up for matrix pills

"Nothing actually says what it DOES of course, you have to buy it first.. Oh well, gonna get some shoes for a speed up and we'll keep going, if I make the same amount again, with what's left that should be plenty!"

Glockroach: Bea those are steroids, don't. HNV: I hope those aren't continues or something, that would be a ripoff

The next boxer in line is Sunshine, a friendly-looking freckle-faced hick who wears overalls but no shirt-- and who happens to have a pitchfork instead of a right hand. He even laughs good-naturedly when he accidentally(?) offers the wrong "glove" to touch before the fight.

DueyDecimal: WATCH! THAT! RIGHT!