#syrupentine

[joytraveler]

#36: Planet Of Pisces

"Okay, Pisces Playhouse, let's go- ooh look my character's a COOL DUDE! And I'm a firm believer that having cool sunglasses can help you save the universe, which is why I'm going to wear them this episode"

This game-- unlike any other so far-- has an intro! A blue spaceship soars through a sky full of stars, and inside, a boy with a red fauxhawk peers through the window unsurely as his burly, silver-haired father drives with a smile of confidence.

Syrupentine: Santa And Son!

[My father founded the Pisces project.]

[He created the machines that would convert this barren planet into a new Earth, and left them here.]

The screen switches back to the exterior of their ship, which is now skimming over the surface of a lush, green planet.

CRACK! Suddenly, a silver tentacle grabs the ship right out of the air!

aroseahorseboy: AAH FUCK JUMP SCARE

[They have been waiting for us to come back.]

The Planet Of Pisces logo, a pair of splashing blue fish, appears over the scene, as smoke from the crashed spaceship rises into the sky.

aroseahorseboy: Told you the last one was always the best, Bea

"I can't see anything- OH!" She removes her sunglasses just in time. "Daaang, ok I dunno if anyone ever played Xardion but this is what this makes me think of"

Bee52: cool I hope you get to play a robot cat!

When Bea starts the game, sprites of the father and son are standing outside the wrecked spaceship. The father is speaking.

[I'm going to the CPU to find out what went wrong. I'll be back by nightfall. Glem, you stay here and don't go anywhere!]

He walks off screen and the boy sits down next to the ship-- and the sun sets, the moon comes out, the sun rises again. The boy stands up and puts on those cool sunglasses from the title screen.

[I gotta find Dad!]

aroseahorseboy: it's like the Odyssey, gotta find your father Klickitat_Street: "Glem"???

"Glem! From the game over thing?" Bea tries moving around. "I think I've heard of you and uh, it's nice to meet you in person! I dunno, should I tell him?"

DueyDecimal: i thought that was just a glitch! Maybe it comes from this game?

The game begins-- Glem can run and jump, and he's armed with a blue frisbee(?). But this frisbee returns to him like a yo-yo, bounces off walls and ricochets, and if Bea times it right, he can fly on it like a hover board!

"You can't tell but the control is tight, but you can see the sprite animations in this look better, some of these games have been good but I'm already feeling like this one's gonna be special"

This game is DEEP, with every stage introducing a new mechanic that becomes part of your repertoire of moves-- soon Glem is sledding down spikes with his Discus (as it turns out to be called) serving as a sled, pulling off amazing ricochet shots that bring hovering bad guys down to use as stepping stones, and more!

When Bea pauses for a snack, even the pause screen shows a map of the world, and an enemy encyclopedia! The most common enemy in this game is a bat-winged frog creature called a Hopteran, which can fly, swim, or (true to its name) hop; the most frustrating one is the Angul, which appears to be a winged angel made of glowing neon, and always appears to hunt Glem down at seemingly the worst times!

HNV: God, this game reminds me of the first time I ever played Super Mario 3. aroseahorseboy: its more like dkc but yeah! Max_Force: I'm going to be a dad in eight weeks, you guys... I hope there are still games like this when my daughter gets old enough to play.

Bea has been quiet, as she gets when she gets really into a game. "If you're out there, Mr. Or Ms. Joy Traveler development person, please just let me know who you are so I can credit you somehow because this is a gem hidden in a pile of.. Uh well its the best looking game so far lets keep it at that!"

By the time she gets to the last boss-- four and a half hours later-- the adventure has taken her from rolling green hills, to a parched desert, to dripping, foggy cliffs, and finally into this wild technological slime mold explosion, where the machines sprout up from the ground and attack, monitors spontaneously grow out of the walls and blare warnings, and her old friend Angul could be waiting around any corner. She's fought robots, biological hazards, and even what looked like a giant blob of blood gelatin-- but the end of Planet of Pisces is near.

"Okay so this has gone way, WAY overtime but I think I'm near the end here folks, at least I hope so. I would almost say that if you ever find one of these systems, it's almost worth getting just for this one"

aroseahorseboy: hands up if you ordered one while you were watching those! Bee52: me berd_snurglar: you can order these??? Syrupentine: I hope Glem's dad is OK. :( aroseahorseboy: I hope he's not the final boss Bee52: bite your tongue!!!

"Look, I'm not proud of the way I got this, okay? I had to pry it out of the cold dead hands of a little orphan girl and then I had to suck a whole lot of di- I got it off eBay for like 30 bucks. He said he played a few games and decided it sucked. So if you're out there, hit me up for uh, a free t-shirt"

Syrupentine: I'm a Little dead orphan girl, where's my free T-shirt HNV: Dead T-shirt contest, wooooo

"I dunno guys I feel like the dad usually dies in things like these but we'll see, hang on time, gonna farm these spidery things for health real quick and then it's on to the boss..."

She stands before the boss door, readying herself for anything.

Behind the final door is... what looks like a garage, filled with those robots that were attacking, except now they're building a spaceship identical to the one that you came here in. Directing them is – Glem's dad!

"Sure, sure, just do this to me, thats fine. You called it, AroSeahorseBoy. This is gonna be like a Wily fight but really sad isn't it!"

aroseahorseboy: aw, I didn't have to bite my tongue Syrupentine: Aro is so smart, S-M-R-T

Dad sees him and jumps down from the balcony he's on. ["Glem! I told you to stay where you were!"] He takes one step forward and freezes. All the robots stop and look at him. ["YOU CAN NEVER JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD."] Dad suddenly rises into the air-- and begins to glow as he changes. He's a Angul! And from the looks of things, the king of them all!

"OK THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT" shouts Bea while frantically dodging attacks. Of course this is the kind of boss you have to learn the attack patterns of, no matter how much you've powered up. In the end it's come down to raw skill.

"Dad why?? Were you one of them all along? Or not? Or am I, Glem, also an Angul?? Should I try to focus on not dying instead of theorizing right now, OW there goes a third of my health"

The worst part is, no matter what you throw at him, Dad isn't taking ANY damage! In fact, the only thing that makes him pause, as far as you can tell-- is when you accidentally destroy one of the robot drones that's busily building the ship in the background. That makes Dad MAD.

aroseahorseboy: it's a meta boss, great THAT means he has another form berd_snurglar: Aro stop trying to be smart, we already believe you

"Hey daaad, I'm messing up all your cool expensive robots! MMph, yeah, I'm gonna spray paint bad words all over your cool space ship, too!" She takes out another worker bot. "You spat all over my dream of being a world champion CD thrower and now you're gonna pay for it!"

The robots do rebuild themselves after a short time, but when she knocks them all out at once, the fight changes. Dad lands-- and seems to deflate, all the neon and metal flying away and entering the ship!

Dad stands up, looking weak. ["Glem... It's the CPU. It--he--wants to get back to Earth!"]

The ship shudders and begins to collapse-- no, it's changing. The worker robots are reabsorbed as it changes and expands, becoming... What exactly? Ah, of course-- a giant mechanical dragon.

HNV: DUDE TaichoSenseiKun: I want one!

"ME TOO!" Bea's so impressed with the design she barely jumps over the huge, electrified fireball headed her way, the first of many! "Aaaaaah jeez welcome to BULLET HELL, I see! Fuckfuckfuck, string of obscenities!!!"

This takes all her skills and she has to invent some new ones! She can use the snowboard technique to surf over those electric balls, but it's still a bear getting him down, because only one of his heads is vulnerable at any time, and he may have as many as five!

"Aright if you do the ricochet throw it's a little easier to hit him, but you have to get it pixel perfect! And so Herculass (that's me) vanquishes the mighty hydra, at the expense of her damn thumbs but I do if for you guys!" She slips between a rain of laser fire, every move counts and she's gotta think fast, but as the boss starts to flash red, it seems the end may be nigh.

NormalNancy: YOU GOT THIS BEA YOU GOT IT Syrupentine: Iwata-san, lend Bea your power from heaven

"Dude too soon. Ugh doesn't matter its ALWAYS gonna be too soon"

Syrupentine: I was sincere. :(

Whether through her own skill or divine intervention... It works! BOOOM, down goes the dragon in a shower of bubbly explosions, all three heads twisting and screaming!

NormalNancy: YOU DID IT MaxForce: Planet of FUCK YEAH! berd_snurglar: how you gonna get home now, there went your ship

"Am I done? I'm just.. I can't.." Suddenly it all catches up with Bea, she hasn't been this into a game in a while! "I'd give a big victory scream but I don't think I have in meOOOOOOOOOOH IN YOUR FACES, ALL FIVE OF THEM ASSHOLE!"

Glem's father comes up-- it's strange, how strong and burly he looked at the beginning of the game, and how Glem seems to tower over him now.

["You've actually beaten 6R316-UE... Son, I don't know what to say!"] The wreckage of the dragon rumbles. ["CALL ME BY MY NAME... DAD."]

Suddenly the same neon and metal cloud rises from the dragon's heap-- and flies right into Glem!

"Aww.. Maybe his dad really just wanted to- OH NO!"

["Glem! No!"]

As Glem falls to the ground, his father grabs the Discus and tosses it into the air-- where it becomes another cloud and pursues the first into Glem!

"I... I don't know whats happening? Did I do something wrong? Is there more??" She tries tapping the buttons lightly, bracing herself for another boss fight

A new stage starts-- and it's not like any other stage in the game. It's sort of like Tron and sort of like Bomberman; a high-speed chase through Glem's own brain, where you have to use the blue bombs to block off the silver dragon-headed tapeworms and force them to destroy themselves!

DueyDecimal: TAPEWORMS! In this game?? berd_snurglar: it's more likely than you think

"WHAT IS HAPPENING WHERE ARE WE WHY ARE WE WHAT ARE WE DOING?!" Bea says, desperately trying to adapt to the new play style! Suddenly the old rules don't apply! "I'm developing an abusive relationship with this device, in that I think its amazing and wonderful and wants to make me suffer"

Every time she lands a hit on one of the dragons, a text box appears, and some of the dialogue seems a bit familiar.

[MY NAME IS NOT 6R316-UE.] [MY NAME IS GREIGUE.] [BUT IT COULD JUST AS WELL BE GLEM.] [OUR FATHER NEVER NEED KNOW WHO WON THIS BATTLE.][ONE SON IS AS GOOD AS ANOTHER TO HIM...]

"Bomb, bomb, evade, EVADE- ffff!! Wait, no, good, I think I got two at once that time?!" Bea's weary but not beaten. She can't be beaten now, she's come too far! "Get out of my HEAD, Greeg! I'm so pissed I'm not even gonna try getting your name right"

Syrupentine: Greigue? Someone's been playing Earthbound Zero... berd_snurglar: wait seriously the terrible monster we've been working our way toward is called 'greg'? aroseahorseboy: it's either that or "Greg-Ooh" DueyDecimal: Gregory the Terrible Eater! aroseahorseboy: if I didn't know that was a book about cartoon goats, that would sound like eldritch horror

Bea is visibly dozing off as she battle rages on, somehow just barely mashing buttons well enough to stay alive, even if she wanders aimlessly into a corner now and then. "s'gonna be over soon. I can feel it, I will persist, and so on, die already"

NormalNancy: BEA WAKE UP YOUR WINNING MaxForce: This is really creepy! aroseahorseboy: one more one more don't choke

"You guys are gonna have better luck piecing together what's happening than I am, I am- I'm almost dead now" she's down to one health pip!

Finally, there's only one dragon head left, chasing Bea's glowing avatar (Glem's soul?) through the maze faster than ever. All it takes is one well-placed bomb, that spins the walls around and captures the dragon in a cube, making it spin faster and faster and finally swallow its own tail!

[NO! NO! I WAS FINALLY! SO! CLOOOSE!]

[JOYRIDERRRRRR!]

The whole screen erupts in digital explosions, and fades back to the workshop, where Glem's father is holding his son, head in his lap.

NormalNancy: YESSS NormalNancy: Way to go Bea! Bee52: wait, joyrider? Wtf?

Bea actually slumps out of her chair for comic effect, but then falls on the floor for real. (THUD)

"OW! Shhh... I'm fine, just.. Not gonna do that again" (at least she's awake!)

The story plays out on the screen as Glem's eyes flicker open, his father hugging him tightly.

[I should have trusted you. You haven't just saved me-- you saved this world I built for us.]

[I've recovered control from 6R316-UE. The machines can rebuild the ship for me in just a few hours. What do you want to do?]

Now the game presents Bea with a final choice:

<I want to go home to Earth.> <I want to live here.>

HNV: it's a trap Klickitat_Street: I don't feel like we got enough input which would be the correct choice. aroseahorseboy: don't give up on earth! Syrupentine: No, stay, you put so much of yourself in this planet NormalNancy: KILL ME NOWWWW

"We know they were going away from the earth, we don't know why though! Is it bad? Do we really want to stay here and chance it with the crazy machines? Uugh.. I dunno."

"Whatever, doesn't matter what I choose, I can always come back and see the other one, can't I?"

"She said, tempting fate"

"Know what? somebody's gotta keep an eye on this place or things just go cray cray so.. all right, dad. We'll stay here, together. And have a cool robot family! I hope. Do you think we could rebuild Greg and make him nice? I feel kind of bad for him"

[I want to stay here.] [After all I've put you through here, you want to stay?] His dad hugs him tight. [The ship launches in three hours... But we won't be on it.]

The scene cuts to Glem and his dad watching the ship sail into the sky... And fades to black.

The torn and tarnished landscape reappears, and the cast roll begins-- all the monsters and meanies Glem fought pass by and are named, from Hopteran to Angul and even some Bea missed (what in the world was Wuggykins?). As the cast rolls by, the landscape slowly heals, going from brown and parched to green and welcoming, and crops and buildings start to appear. Even the sky goes from yellow to blue.

Syrupentine: Awww aroseahorseboy: Bea you totally made the right choice

"I sure hope so. I have a lot of questions but, all's well that ends well, I guess!" She leans back in her chair as she watches, a smile creeping over her face. "This is the kind of game I didn't WANT to end, in a way. This deserves a sequel!"

Finally the five faces of 6R316-UE appear, and cackle cruelly as the characters in its name change one by one to GREIGUE.

The faces disappear one by one, as do the letters... And when the word says GRE_G__, the dragon face looks sad as it disappears.

Llord_Kuruku: nickname Greg confirmed Bee52: Poor mecha dragon

"Thanks, rub it in, game" says Bea with a frown

Then a speck appears in the sky. The ship has returned! We fade back in on Glem and his dad as they watch it land...and out comes the whole family.

Names appear over everyone as they run out and hug Glem and his dad: RIKEL, a tiny little girl who falls flat on her face as she runs for Daddy's arms. ZORK and MARG, twin boys who grab each other and start wrestling before they can even join the family group. RENK, a boy who looks close to Glem's age who runs out to hug him first. And finally out comes...

Syrupentine: REDMOM!!! Klickitat_Street: I knew we were calling her Mom for a reason!

Bea screams! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sorry it's just, there she is! And the kids! So, everything was leading up to this game?? And the kids, too! Even if she named them weird!"

"I mean we shouldn't assume but she always did look like the mom type. Mom type Pokémon"

Redmom runs up to her husband and they embrace as their names appear: JOYRIDER and JAYWALKER.

Baconnaise: apparently weird-ass names are a family tradition??? aroseahorseboy: the computer knew Glem's mom??????

She sees the names. "Nnnnnnnng, 'Jaywalker'" she massages her temples.

HNV: Luke Jaywalker

"Ok, so, at least some of these are our mascot characters? I know two are, some of the kids have appeared in game, I know the twins from Beware! Kitchen, I don't think I've seen the others? This is adorable though, you don't usually get a game starring a whole family.. Or a series of games I s'pose"

DueyDecimal: A whole family of mascots reminds me of Doki Doki Panic! And Legacy of the Wizard if anyone remembers that!

The words The End appear in the sky as the family embraces in their new home, and the screen fades to black... But before it restarts, the sad dragon face appears once more with a message:

[IF ONLY ANY STORY COULD TRULY END SO HAPPILY.]

NormalNancy: whaaat DueyDecimal: Oh God this had better not have all been a dream!

But it doesn't seem to be-- Bea is returned to the title screen after a few tense moments.

"Man here it comes! I knew there was gonna be some bullsh- oh"

Bea looks into the camera. "SEQUEL HOOK!"

Bee_52: is there a Joy Traveler 168, please say yes Llord_Kuruku: just skip ahead to Planet of Pisces 2! aroseahorseboy: does ANYONE have a ROM for this???

"Wait, there IS a sequel? I musta just glossed over it, I couldn't have known! And I don't think there's a rom, I don't even know if there's another Joy Traveler of THIS model in existence!"

MaxForce: the one I bought was just Joy Traveler 67, it has 100 less games. :( aroseahorseboy: does it have POP though?? MaxForce: dunno, I ordered it an hour ago!

"You did whatnow??" "I mean cool but, I didn't know you could!"

MaxForce: yeah Bea! If it's got different games I might do my own LP of it and if not, AWESOME

"It could have totally different stuff but I hope you get to play this, the world must know! Now I need to recover a little so, gonna end the stream now, it's been a hell of a ride. Thanks for joining, my bees! Til next time, your queen bids you adieu!"

She doesn't turn it off right away, though. She lingers, thinking over some of the things she's seen. Is it more than just a bunch of recurring characters that show up through these games? There has to be more to their story, but maybe for another time.

[joytraveler]

Joy Traveler: Screen 5

(Sunday, August 9, 2015)

normalnancy: hi magic -*-MAGIC_*_ hi who are you Llord_Kuruku: Hope Bea shows up soon HNV: Geez, who even are all these people? anthony1998x: an1 here from cali say yo normalnancy: hi lord kurku normalnancy: hi hnv berd_snerglar: She's usually on by now wtf. GlockRoach: u think she got freaked out aroseahorseboy: nah, bea has enviable chill

Bea arrives at last, looking a little worn. "Son of a bee it's been kind of a crazy night but okay. All good now, thanks for waiting! Had a little drama in the hive"

"BEA YOU FORGOT TO FEED THE DOGS!" "...hang on.."

anthony1998x: wtf r your parents here??? HNV: Dude, she's a millennial, we ALL live with our parents. Llord_Kuruku: ohmygodareyoufuckingserious. bea you have to show us the dogs aroseahorseboy: doggiiiiies

"Okay! Ready, my swarm!" She returns. "No, no, get down! You got wet paws! Out! I need an actual studio for this or something instead of just my nerd room, don't I"

"Welcome once again to Press Bea, picking up with Joy Traveler, part 5, and things have been...weird. We had Box Baby 2 and learned more about the Spanunkos and I haven't gone any further.. yet. It's tempting but I want to plumb the mysteries of this machine with my hive by my side! No I'm not scared!"

normalnancy: hi bea DueyDecimal: This gets more awesome every episode you guys, seriously calm down and watch bug_snuggler: bea can you play some of the actual good games you have GlockRoach: Dude you gotta stop changing your name every time, pick one. pick that one. Syrupentine: Everyone calm down, Bea can play what she wants... which is going to be more Planet of Pisces, right??

"Well I was thinking, I'll pick one to start and then you guys can pick the next, seems to work out pretty well most of the time"

DueyDecimal: I like that. aroseahorseboy: buckle up buzzers

Screen 5 shows a pastoral scene with a sunny field, a swimming hole, and a tree with a tire swing! Seated in front are two children, a boy and a girl, holding hands with their backs to the camera. In the sky appear the names of the 12 games for this screen:

49: Berry Batty 50: Teddy Bear Ballet 51: Impact Crate 52: Pralines & Cream 53: Whack-O Golf 54: Planet of Pisces 2: For Super Players 55: Kaveman 56: Crosswalk 57: Whirlwind Football 58: Fuzzed 59: Cat Rate 60: Sunny Spring Mornings

aroseahorseboy: is... is that... Syrupentine: omg omg omg POP2!!! Llord_Kuruku: HOLY SHHIIIIIIIII HNV: It's a trap! Play the last one, that's got to be a fakeout!

"Ok I know what you guys are thinking, and it IS a weird order but I don't think that really means anything. Crosswalk just sounds dull but we've though that before.. Oh you know what's boring? Golf!"

Syrupentine: ...Golf. DueyDecimal: God has forsaken us. snug_buggler: guys we can leave til the boring is over. why u hate us bea?

"Remember what this game did to soccer? And cooking? And other sports? Cooking is a sport you can't tell me otherwise"

HNV: Oh shit, you know what shows up in sports games, right? Llord_Kuruku: ...Spanunko time? HNV: Totally Spanunko time!

"DANGIT, how could I forget. Sure they're evil undead abominations but who can resist the thrill of competition..."

DueyDecimal: And they barf evil tapeworms! aroseahorseboy: my my yes it would be a shame to ever forget that

[joytraveler]

"......." Bea takes a little shot of honey bourbon before this one. "LLLGRrkk... wow, that's horrible. Okay, we're doing this. A lot of you weren't here for BB but it was.. yeah, y'know, weird and kind of threatening. At first! But the next time we met, I think we made friends!"

Baconnaise: Hellbaby thinks Bea is mum TaichouSenseiKun: We'll make it a new mom, with ParentBuilder 2 DueyDecimal: Is that a game on this too? TaichouSenseiKun: Not yet but we rule nothing out anymore


#72: BOX BABY 3

This game has a graphical change from the first two. The wrapped gift is now on the left side on the screen with the 'astronaut' on the right. The 'astronaut' is also wearing a blue suit rather than the original yellow. Also, the dialogue is in capital and lowercase letters, rather than all caps.

[Hello there.] [I know you can hear me.] [I know you can understand me.] [...] [I also know you don't like me.]

"Who told you that?" She frowns. "I mean, we got off to a rough start. Are you feeling okay there? ...Bea Talks At Games, The Show.."

HNV: Hey, at least you're not as bipolar as the box.

[...] [I'm right, aren't I?] [It's okay to say so. (Y/N)]

"No no no, don't be that way, we's cool! Right? Give Beas a chance?" [N], hoping it means no i don't dislike you and not no i don't like you..

>aroseahorseboy has entered the chat. aroseahorseboy: we're cool i'm sorry i made drama there guys. Klickitat_Street: Uh, she meant the game? But we're glad you're OK now.

"Heya seahawse, we're talking to BB again! Let's all BEE on our best behavior!"

HNV: I told Aro we were playing BB3 and he perked right up

[Come on, let's be honest with each other.] [I know I'm not the one you want to talk to.] [...I haven't seen her lately.] [That was going to be your next question, right? (Y/N)]

"Her? Who her, Redhead Mom? No.." [N] "Haven't seen her in a while, actually, but you must know each other, right?"

TaichouSenseiKun: Are we sure this is box baby we're talking to pigbarrel: Of course, it's the same beeping noise as it types out its text as last time. that's like the voice of a game character that doesn't talk aroseahorseboy: no no guys i figured it out WE ARE THE BOX Glockroach: you're a idiot, get out pigbarrel: we are each a dot on the box.. a speck in this great universe...... Baconnaise: This planet of Meat

[She hasn't come back yet.] [...] [It's you and me now, you know.] [Whether you like it or not.] HNV: Whoever's talking, they don't have as many questions this time

"I think someone switched boxes on us between games here. Get a box that isn't full of Jerk, please"

"Maybe it's the Monsters Inc. HazMat guy on the side there, what's your deal? I like the blue actually, you look less like a Neptunian"

[I like you. ] [No, really!] [Well, I like you better than the others do]. [They're afraid of you, aren't they? (Y/N)]

Bea makes the scariest face she can into the camera. "WELL?? ARE YOU???" she hisses

aroseahorseboy: aaaagh cringe HNV: I fear and respect the B-box Bee52: the Bea box! Glockroach: Bea-elzebib *bub TaichouSenseiKun: that's the bib she wears as she eats your soul

"Yeah gonna go with No on that one"

[You're not fooling anyone. You know they are.] [Because they know what you can do.] [Especially the big one.] [He's the one who wants to change you.] [Me?] [I'm the one who wants to be your friend.]

Llord_Kuruku: yeah, that's me, I'm The Big One

"Maybe the box has six personalities, one for each side, depending how it got flipped over that day.. I wanna be friends too but you gotta be good, okay?"

DueyDecimal: Cool, the box is like the Dodecahedron from The Phantom Tollbooth (a book you should all read)!

[...] [Her?] [Well, what about her?] [Don't you think that if she wanted to see you...] [She'd have come by now? ]

HNV: Wow, the game is as curious where Joyce went as we are

"Start talkin', Boxy. Tell me what you know and I won't let the dog have you"

[...] [You see what I mean.] [I'm the one who can protect you from him.] [I'm the one who's taken her place for you.] [...] [I'm the one who decides whether or not to let you out.]

TaichouSenseiKun: Again, who's talking here aroseahorseboy: kinda wish I was wrong but I called it

"Yeah and who's "him"? Did you do something with my horrible scary square child??"

[...] [No, I'm not kidding.] [Don't try to tell me you'd given up on that.] (Y/N)

"No, not giving up but.. I dunno, am I the bad guy here? What's happening? If that's true why am I a weird jerk.." she frowns.

[I thought not.] [Do you want me to let you out?] (Y)

There's no "no" option for that one.

"That would be nice, please.. " she says quietly as the horror washes over her. "Watch, I'm gonna Game Over myself in a second here"

HNV: Maybe there'll be a new death animation at least?

[Good.] [But it's not just that simple.] [I know what you can do for me in return.] [Do you remember what you told her you'd do for her?] (Y/N)

aroseahorseboy: is there going to be a quiz? DueyDecimal: I remember! A computer the size of a sesame seed!

"Ulp... yyyeah? I am a Bea of my word, even if it gets me in trouble.. I'm not gonna betray Joyce though, I can't do that!" [Y]

[Don't sound so surprised-- we were recording everything.] [That's what I want, you see; the things you promised her.] [All of them.] [Can you make me rich beyond my wildest dreams?] (Y/N)

"Sure, you can be my treasury secretary. No, I don't think I can do that but what the heck do I say??"

Glockroach: Bilk 'em for everything they got DueyDecimal: That was something the box offered Joyce before, do you think it was lying?

Bea is still weirded out and confused, but her fingers eventually find their way to [Y]

Syrupentine: (COVERS EYES)

"I don't know if I can afford to say no..." She grits her teeth and awaits the worst! Looks like that was the correct answer, though, there's no Game Over message.

[That computer the size of a poppyseed-- can you make that for me?]

"If I can't I'm sure we can figure it out! Any tech geniuses in here? Anyone? Duey?"

DueyDecimal: Iiii'm afraid I'm more of the sociological kind of genius... but saying yes seems to be your best bet?

[Real friends, you can get me those? The ones who won't abandon either of us.] (Y/ N)

"Sure can, on today's episode of Bea Lies Her Ass Off! Well, maybe I can get them to join my fandom!" [Y]

Box_Baby_420: You know i love you Bea

[Can you change ME, though? Make me handsome? Tall, even?] (Y/N)

HNV: UH-oh, someone has short man's disease and needs a Box Baby Aspirin

"I think we have a rack somewhere, we can stretch you out Gonzo style. Handsome, can't help you there. Have you tried not being a giant creep yet?"

[You said you could make her famous, too. I don't want that, though.] [Can you make me unfindable?] (Y/N)

Syrupentine: Yes, blue creep, disappear

"Sure, like I said, join the beehive! Then nobody will want to talk to you!" [Y]

DueyDecimal: ...Ouch, Bea. :S

"I"m sorry you know I love you guys more than anything, honest"

[And I mean untraceable.] [Invisible.] [Well, not literally invisible. You know what I mean.] [Of course you do. You understand idioms.] [You know she's not really your mother, for example.]

"Oh I forgot for a while, I thought I had been birthed from a video game! Er, no offense."

pigbarrel: bea you can't have two moms, don't be a mom-hog

"Like hell I can't, this is America!!"

[...No, you're not a real baby.] [We never feed you. You never sleep or laugh or cry.] [...] [Oh? ] [And what do you look like when you cry?] [Do you want to see what you really look like?] (Y/N)

Klickitat_Street: .......I am curious.

"I'm not, can we stop? We got more pages we can play!" She finally hits Y after the room starts getting impatient. "We are going to be a beautiful child, and don't try to convince me otherwise!"

aroseahorseboy: box needs a mom. everyone needs a mom. glem needed his mom too. Glockroach: Dammit seahorse, my old wounds Baconnaise: He's right, though aroseahorseboy: i'm aromantic but that doesn't cover moms

[Do you want to see her again?] (Y) [There isn't a 'No' option for this question.] [Are you going to give me the things I asked for?] (Y/N)

"I think you're going go be disappointed, but, you've got it, dinglenuts. If you did anything to Joyce or.. Royn or Crom or any of the others, I will hack you so fast"

HNV: do we have the chance to jump out of the box and grab this guy's mask off?

"I know how to hack. You dopple down into the mainframe, then defeat the enemy core"

Baconnaise: There's usually a dungeon involved

[Don't forget who did this for you.] [It wasn't her. It was me.]

The lid of the box opens, and the screen fades to black.

Syrupentine: Can I look now? aroseahorseboy: ...ominous

"SO! How we holdin' up, I'm great, no prpbleems wif meee nop." Bea has melted down into her chair a bit.

aroseahorseboy: maybe i don't feel better yet but you don't look good either Syrupentine: You're amazing, Bea, I couldn't handle something like that game HNV: Seriously, I can't believe we're almost half done! It felt like this took a year!

"Yeah HNV, and these are getting intense, right?? I feel like I had an actual baby."

Baconnaise: Bea, no, you have no idea aroseahorseboy: and you don't even get a baby as a reward actually maybe your reward is that you don't have to have a baby

"We better at least get to meet Boxy in person after all this! I'm really kind of worried about them now, anyone else?"

Glockroach: Kid owes you a good whuppin' for setting him up with that freako

"We don't even know for sure what that was! Coulda been another box, another baby, another, eviler mom"

DueyDecimal: So! Does anyone want to hear my theory on Box Baby's true identity? Because here it comes! TaichouSenseiKun: It was me, sorry I'd been meaning to tell you aroseahorseboy: what did you see in the box??? TaichouSenseiKun: Dark HNV: How dramatic DueyDecimal: I think what's in the box is the Joy Traveler itself! It's telling us its own story! DueyDecimal: Yes, I have absolutely NO evidence for this and am completely pulling it out of my ass, but I stand by it!

"It did come in a box. It COULD make someone's dreams come true, provided they're game related. We've seen the tools ourselves!"

aroseahorseboy: oh shit yeaaah! Klickitat_Street: Bea, were you going to do a stream where you play with the game maker more?

"I"m going to dedicate a whole stream to that somewhere down the line, maybe sooner than later. We could use the unwind, and yet we all want to keep going, don't we"

Syrupentine: Do we get a preview of screen 7? Or are you keeping us in suspense all week...

"Hey how do you keep a bunch of nerds in suspense?" She gets up and goes off for a glass of water!

"Okay, sorry, sorry, here we go"

HNV: BEA YOU MONSTER aroseahorseboy: just for that i'm naming my baby after duey instead

Screen 7 shows an image of a car driving down a long driveway to a house; the car has a big JUST MARRIED message written on it, and cans tied to the bumper like in the cartoons!

"What?? JOY in Joy Traveler, what's happening here??"

pigbarrel: soon they'll change it to "just buried"

The menu shown in the sky shows 12 more games:

73. Felinja

74. Super Water Polo

75. Kwaseed

76. Foot War

77. Party On, Planet of Pisces

78. Insecticide

79. Death Master II: The Lord Of Death

80. Freak Show Starring The Hero

81. Run The Gauntlet

82. Imagination: The Game

83. Box Baby World

84. Make Your Promise

DueyDecimal: Finally, they made a game about your imagination! Llord_Kuruku: wait, is that like the prequel to Keep Your Promise?

[joytraveler]

#71: Paradise Mall

This looks like a stripped-down version of those familiar "Tycoon" games, wherein you're given a map of a barebones mall and you have a certain amount of money to open various stores; some of them have more profit opportunity, while others profit less but bring more customers in.

Strangely, you're told what strategic value the stores have, but not what any of them sell or do! pigbarrel: these are rather nondescript object parlors. I don't want to eat a food court in a place like this!!

Syrupentine: None of these look like bookstores. Your mall is bad, Bea. :C TaichouSenseiKun: The bookstore is the secret hidden shop you find when on an unrelated side quest Baconnaise: This is true

"Buy some crap from us, you know that you want to- Ohh, I can do a sale but then I'll sell out too quickly if I'm not careful!"

Glockroach: Sell out of what? HNV: Widgets? Possibly blingwads?

"I don't know!! We're meant to use our imagination! Here's the arcade and the snack shop, and down on the right is the Suncoast Video?? Oh, this IS a haunted game..."

Once all the stores are placed for the first day, the tiny stickmen representing customers begin to file in! Some stores get a lot of traffic and make their rent back quickly, while others are soundly ignored. The customers are divided into pink and blue types, each of whom goes to a different kind of store, although some attract both!

Baconnaise: Is this a metaphor for something

"It's a metaphor for mad values and Bea's Bargain Nightmare Emporium!"

DueyDecimal: Seems like less a metaphor and more of a love letter to capitalism at its most ungodly blatant! The dollars you pay with say THIS IS YOUR GOD!

At the close of the day, you can decide which stores to assign more workers to and which ones to cut the open hours of. Strangely, some of the busiest stores are already short employees.

The first time Bea can't give one all the employees it needs, though... the store sticks out a chameleon-like tongue and grabs a customer!

Glockroach: Oh. pigbarrel: !!! TaichouSenseiKun: THEY HUNGER Baconnaise: Oh this IS the food court DueyDecimal: GOD IT FEELS GOOD TO BE RIGHT

"Sorry the dog was bothering me, what happened?" Bea stops to read up and down the alarmed comments! "What. Wait, WHAT?" Well, the does have the right amount of employees suddenly..

The gameplay has changed a bit-- it becomes necessary to move certain stores to different locations, because now that they've tasted customers, they get greedy for them! So the Bupco has to be between the Nerpco and the Glookenburg's, because Bupco wants to eat female customers and those two only attract male customers...

Now customers are starting to SEE the stores engulfing other customers, though, so it becomes necessary to steer a frightened customer into the path of a hungry store-- or else your attendance goes down the next day.

HNV: Bad word of mouth. Or, more likely, word of bad mouths.

"Now I have to play signs and advertise for... whatever these are. I mean you get what you pay for I guess"

pigbarrel: good morning i'd like one cup of being eaten alive please

[joytraveler]

61. Special Treat For Super Players

The screen goes black, and one by one, sixty stars light up on the screen, which must be the game counting up how many games you've finished. When all sixty stars disappear, Joyce's face reappears with that same big smile.

["You are a wonderful player! You make me feel very appreciated. Thanks from Joy Traveler!"

["Did you know that many of the games in this collection were made by children?"]

Joyce hides her mouth but you can tell she's giggling. ["Sometimes it shows! But the children made them all by themselves! And now..."]

She slides off the screen and is replaced with a new logo: JOY GAME MAKER. ["...so can you!"]

"AaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!" Bea, who looked like she was on the brink of dozing off, is suddenly full of energy and spinning around in her chair! Good thing she put down the controller first! "HOW DO I DO IT! Tell me moooore..."

Baconnaise: Bea. You're drooling. Chill. aroseahorseboy I'M drooling HNV: I don't think you'll be able to do much, you don't have a keyboard!

Upon pressing start, the player is brought to a screen with what looks like a big schoolroom, with Joyce herself sitting at the desk at the front. Every element in the room seems to have a function. There's an art easel, which is presumably for drawing sprites; a piano, for music; a tape recorder; a map on the wall; and an open door leading to the playground outside. Hard to tell what some of these things mean at this point! Looks like you can select Joyce too.

Bea has quickly doodled several of her followers as bees (their "beesonas") before she even clicks on Joyce, presumably for tips on how to actually MAKE a game. "I should probably have realized sooner that you guys won't actually be able to PLAY this but, too late now"

Syrupentine: YOU DREW HONEY SYRUP! *dies happy*

When you pick Joyce, she stands up and pulls down a screen, prompting:

[What kind of game would you like to make?]

There are at least 30 different game models to make, starting with side-scroller, shmup, 2D fighter, all the way to JRPG and Board Game!

She selects 2D fighter! "FIGHT FOR MY AFFECTION, HAHAAH!!"

The screen closes and returns to the classroom, but now "2D Fighter" is written on the chalkboard-- and two people are practicing fighting outside the window! Looks like that's where the game design happens.

When Bea chooses the playground, she takes control of Glem! By standing on different spots and pressing the shoulder buttons, she can change how he handles, making him faster or slower, jumping higher or lower, even changing his friction against the ground.

aroseahorseboy: is it odd to anyone that we're making a game in a genre that we haven't even seen yet in this collection?

"Well there's got to be at least one, or it wouldn't have the option!" she tries to adjust the controls to make a good balance of strength and speed. "Too floaty, too slow.. there we go, just right"

berd_snurglar: make mine a bumblebee cuz i bumble shit up all the time lol

"FINALLY! Ok, I think, maybe, we can take this for a test run now, at the very least. Thanks for your patience, guys! ....Guys?"

"...Well that's it for Press Bea today, see you tomorrow with more Joy Traveler!"

aroseahorseboy: no no i'm awake, kinda

When Bea chooses the computer disk to save her game, a truck also appears labeled "Export".

She selects it right away, not really thinking. "And off into the wild you go, little friend."

Options appear: [ PC / Mac / Android / iOS ]

".... PC, I guess? This thing's got wireless??"

[Compiling...]

A 'document' opens up with 36 pages to view. Each page has what Bea at first takes to be meaningless garbage, until she scrolls down and sees the boxes in the corners-- they're actually highly complex QR codes.

Baconnaise: Ok anyone speak robot talk GlockRoach: Bea my character has a special move. he has a gun. his special move is he just fucking shoots people with his gun Please put this in berd_snurglar: guys this is a program file that looks like it checks out except bea didn't do shit Klickitat_Street: This is fucking Objective-C... and you wrote it by mooshing a little man around on screen. I write code for a living, Bea. They're paying me to come in, eat donuts, and write things that are less elegant than this.

"NO IDEA WHAT I DID.. That's how kids made these games, it really was just that easy. I thought this was supposed to be a bunch of games for kids, but it's game for kids to make games with!"

GlockRoach: Well that explains a lot Syrupentine: I hope "Renk" finishes his game someday! GlockRoach: He's probably like ten or twenty years older by now at least. Or dead.

"This is ahead of its time NOW, I can't imagine it's all that old!" She looks for a way to test the game itself

Klickitat_Street: It can't be THAT much older if this lets you export to ios and android?

There's a poster of a movie clapboard that says 'action' on the wall; when she chooses it, Bea's game launches!

BUZZKILL! (that's the title she wrote in the fat cartoony font she chose)

Two angry little bees duel with their stingers on the title screen! Pressing start takes you to SELECT YOUR BEE!

"I can't play this because I can't believe it. Sorry, I can't...BEElieve it!"

Syrupentine: I wonder if there's something to let you make a random game... ...that's what the bingo cage on the desk is for, isn't it!!

"Let's find out!" she says. Syrup's bee just defeated Glock's anyway! Sadly she, too, perishes shortly after, having lost her stinger. "Uh.. maybe I can edit that out later"

Syrupentine: I can't believe you put that in... T_T ...I mean literally, that the game even gave you the option to make that happen! GlockRoach: GOTCHA BITCH

"Hey hey be civil now, if I can find out how to send this to you you can just kill each other that way!"

Zooming in on the bingo cage, it spins a few times and spits out a bunch of balls. They're decorated with symbols that aren't immediately meaningful, but there are some familiar icons, including some sprites from other games. Two more balls form a button: OK ?

berd_snurglar: i see some old friends of ours

"Let's see what you come up with on your own, game!"

[Compiling...]

A blue stone title screen pops up with the name written in block letters: PIZZA HERO.

After a moment, though, Joyce's face leans in, looking sheepish. "Is this title okay? If there's anything you don't like in a randomized game, you can pause and change it any time!"

"Looks good to me, Joyce! I come up with worse titles all the time! Besides, those are two things I like, can't go too wrong!”

When the game starts, the player is lost in a deep, dark forest, with only one person in sight to talk to. The player, however, is the green fuzzball from Fuzzed, and the NPC is an Angul! It's not attacking, though.

When Bea approaches the Angul, a dialogue box opens up:

[O BRAVE HERO, WE PRESENT TO THEE A QUEST!] [YOU MUST RETURN THE PIZZA OF COURAGE!]

[joytraveler]

Planet of Pisces 2

(Second attempt)

When the game starts again, the graphics are back to normal, to Bea's relief and the rest of the viewers. But, as soon as she loses a life, the Glem sprite starts to glitch out-- his hair is replaced by the letter G!

"DAMMIT G, get out of here and go eat something else! Am I gonna have to get through this without dying at all?? I am, aren't I.."

berg_snurglar: git gud, bea. git real gud real fast

The game may be far harder than the first, but she makes it past old ED the Angul this time. The next segment requires a highly precise set of wall-jumps over lava, on moving walls. Before she knows it, Glem's stomach is an E-- and the walls have grown double D's!

GlockRoach: double D joke goes here cause someone has to

"I have to dodge the spiny guys here but then the lava droplets shoot up and it's HARD to concentrate when everything's turning into the alphabet around me!"

One more fall and Glem's face has been replaced by an L-- his whole sprite is mostly the word "GLE", now.

"Wheel of Bea's Misfortune. Do I get an extra life or something if I spell his name?" Now it's a section where she has to duck into little side caverns, to dodge the huge torrents of lava that come flowing down the tunnel periodically.

The M she needs to spell his name is in the lava, every three or four little caverns it goes by but it seems like you don't want to dive in and grab it!

Finally, after several tense minutes of stress-inducing platforming, Bea brings Glem to the boss door, which has a big D on it.

HNV: Oh no, Ed's waiting back there, isn't he

"I can spell GLED, is that close enough?" she takes a moment to prepare mentally. Whatever the boss is it's bound to be tough, and she'll have to contend with whatever glitches are thrown at her. But she's feeling uneasy in a way she hasn't since Box Baby.

When Bea enters, though, it's a new boss-- in fact, it's that one she saw in the end cast roll, Wuggykins! It's a grossly fat, barely mobile reptilian thing, like Kraid combined with Jabba the Hutt, wearing an absurd blond flip wig!

Syrupentine: snrrk

"I was expecting.. Never mind, let's take him down! I feel a little silly, I was getting worried but this guy doesn't seem that bad. Famous last words, I know."

Wuggykins is not a pushover, but seems significantly sillier than the rest of the game. It (she?) gives hysterical shrieks when struck with the Discus, but also throws its (her?) own Discuses-- well, actually, they're plates, some of which still have food on them that will restore Glem's health!

HNV: What is this, Greg's spoiled daughter? Does he have his own Koopalings??

With the food plates restoring Glem's life meter, the fight is going on and on-- and every time Wuggykins lands a hit on Glem, another sprite tile glitches out becomes a letter. By the third hit, it's becoming clear what the letters are spelling.

Klickitat_Street: Why does it keep saying that?? DueyDecimal: You're playing Glem right now, aren't you? He's not dead! aroseahorseboy: maybe we're all dead and in hell and this is our paranoid delusion

"Yeah, well if 'GLEM DIED' could he still be doing THIS??" she says, scoring another blow on the monster. "What, is this supposed to be spooking me out? This game still doesn't know who it's messing with here! I don't spook. And I that's why I don't play most horror games, I'm just so fear proof that why bother!"

The fat monster is getting more and more wild, spilling out plates in a fan pattern now, letters filling the screen like alphabet soup.

Then, accidentally, in process of dodging, Bea maneuvers Glem just right to complete the full eight-letter phrase on the screen-- and it autocompletes itself:

[GLEM DIED and it was my fault]

Glockroach: wait wut

Some of the letters that were cluttering Glem's sprite come away with the words, but soon it happens again:

[GLEM DIED but that wasn't what i wanted]

berd_snurglar: who's supposed to be talking, is it the monster? what do you know that we don't, chubs

The letters are starting to fill the screen now.

[GLEM DIED but i couldn't stop it] [GLEM DIED and i was trying to help] [GLEM DIED because i wasn't ready] [GLEM DIED and i can't bring him back] [GLEM DIED and i never meant to hurt her] [GLEM DIED because i was jealous]

"Uugh, this is getting annoying. And kind of upsetting. This is probably some dialogue that's gonna come up later, like a bad ending? We've seen before this thing is screwy sometimes.. Man.. if I'm right this is gonna be quite the downer but at least it warned us.."

Syrupentine: I'm glad we're on a stream, I'd be scared as hell if I were playing this alone! DueyDecimal: Woody was right, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS??

[GLEM DIED and it still feels like yesterday] [GLEM DIED but i didn't get what i wanted] [GLEM DIED laughing at my foolishness ] [GLEM DIED while his mother made pancakes] [GLEM DIED and nobody saw it but me] [GLEM DIED and i cannot replace him]

The boss fight doesn't end. Eventually neither the Glem graphic nor the boss can be seen. More phrases, lamentory and bitter, pile up on the screen.

"Come on guys, it's not over yet! We don't really even know what it means yet... uh.." her face falls as she continues reading, barely able to concentrate on the game.

...game? What game?

"I can't tell where I am! I can't see anything else, and I can't see the attacks, this is impossible!"

berd_snurglar: bea hit reset it's just glitchig up. try again next time aroseahorseboy: the irony here is, the boss still hasn't killed you so glem still hasn't died GlockRoach: Something that stinks around here and it ain't me for once

She tries listening. Even though everything is just clusters of letters, she keeps mashing buttons and listening for the boss's cries. "Now the sound's getting all f'd up, I dunno if you guys can hear but it sounds like bad sound bites of the text"

HNV: Yeah, this game is starting to feel sort of disingenuous. Do you think this was tampered with, Bea? Like, hacked?

"That, or it's not 'finished', like some of the others. The whole machine is a mysterious mess anyhow. This SUCKS, I was so looking forward to this game. Sorry guys but I guess this is where it ends, at least for now"

"G U R E E M U D A A I D U"

DueyDecimal: HOLY aroseahorseboy: now i need a mop Klickitat_Street: that sounded like a narwhal being eaten by a xerox mahine...

"WELLLL it's getting late isn't it! Time to wrap this one up for now, ahaha!" Bea's quick to reach for the reset button!

The last line written remains on the screen even after she resets:

[GLEM DIED and i can never apologize]

"You think that was bad try having it in your ears, FUCK"

Finally the 'Summer Vacation' screen returns.

Klickitat_Street: It's been a grueling twelve games DueyDecimal: You deserve another reward for being good, Bea. :(

"I'm fine, just tired. Spaced out for a minute there. Just feeling weird. Creeped. Worried. Sad. But otherwise, I'm great!"

DueyDecimal: I know, Bea. Look at the next screen, see if it's worth continuing next week-- maybe you'll have something to look forward to!

"Sure Duey, I do it for you. I admit I'm sort of ready for a vacation after that but here's a little preview!"


61: Special Treat For Super Players

62: Metal Warrior

63: Marsha Mallow

64: Spacial Delivery

65: The Wizard Of Ice

66: Planet of Pisces II

67: Bobotown

68: Hungry Hungry Every Day

69: Super Nova!

70: Brass Knuckles Boxing

71: Paradise Mall

72: Box Baby 3

"Hmmm, you know folks, you're right, I DO deserve a treat. Stream extended!" She's quick to choose 61! "I did my best, after all, under the circumstances!"

aroseahorseboy: i don't think there's any video games left for her to give you Syrupentine: ANOTHER POP2??? :DDD

"Yeah, POP2.5: Don't Freak Us The Hell Out!"

"I kind of just want to see a friendly face at the moment! I should be giving her something.. What do you get a collection of data as a present?"

DueyDecimal: Fan art challenge! Draw Bea giving Joyce a present!

[joytraveler]

51. Impact Crate

A block pushing puzzle game in the vein of Sokoban or Lolo. As a hulking warehouse worker, your shrimpy boss give you orders to bring in bigger and bigger boxes.

Bea's doing her best Bluto impression. "Hmmm, gonna put this box over here, that'll show 'em! Thinks he can put one over on ME, eh? Why, I'll show the little runt how a REAL man stacks boxes!"

DueyDecimal: ..for a cute girl you do way too good of a Bluto impression.

That's all you seem to do. Stack boxes. And stack and stack and stack... they keep coming in, but they never clear out! "Er.. this is what I'm supposed to be doing right?" Another game with no score, no timer.. and the boxes keep getting more oddly shaped and hard to stack. Some of them aren't boxes at all.

"Wh...what is this?" she says as a tall, cloth-wrapped object arrives. "Is that a person?? It.. has legs? I think?"

Llord_Kuruku: Bea, your big dude is getting bigger, is this okay y/n

"Oh you musta missed it, I upgraded to a bigger guy... yeah you can do that if you talk to the little manager guy after you stack enough boxes." The sprite is the same, just larger. She keeps stacking the boxes and..bodies? Mummies? Whatever they are. Looks like she's out of room, until she discovers you can go outside the warehouse!

HNV: CMC?

He's referring to a sign outside the warehouse, which has those letters and a snowy mountain logo.

Klickitat_Street: corpse massing corporation, HNV GlockRoach: I need a 4x4 crate and a 3 week old carcass, where can I get both? Oh how convenient

You can walk back and forth in front of the warehouse. There are other buildings, houses.. but they all look abandoned. The warehouse is the only place that doesn't look dilapidated.

"I have several dozen questions...." says Bea. But suddenly an alert appears, and a timer!

[GET BACK TO WORK! 10...9...8...]

"Oh no, coming boss! crapcrapcrapcrap" She throws down the crate she's carrying and books it back to the warehouse. "I just have to keep throwing them outside, I don't have time to do anything else, aaaagh!"

Back in the warehouse, things are even more chaotic, and the boss is furious-- thankfully, not at the player character, he's yelling on the phone. The boxes are all out of order-- one is lumbering around.

Baconnaise: Your gonk droid is loose

"I've had enough of sassy boxes for a while, I'll tell you that much" she says, trying to get everything rearranged, she has to have her character jump and stand on the box until it calms down! Then stacking, then more boxes, then, then, then...

"I, I'm stuck!" she says. She's ended up boxing herself into a corner! "Uh hey boss can we maybe get a bigger building next time?"

When she can't make any more moves, the boss-- a short, dark-skinned man in glasses-- stands up and shouts. A big dialogue box appears:

[WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS???]

"Good question, little guy" Bea says. The big guy just looks.. dejected. He shuffles towards the door and leaves, pushing some boxes over on his way.

"Wait, so I'm fired?? Come on there's no way I could-" she stops. The tall, cloth- covered things are starting to move. Slowly they inch towards the little boss man.. "Uh...UH..."

She suddenly finds herself back at the game list. "....huh. Game over...?"

berd_snurglar: the fuck was that bea i'm starting to think this game is weird DueyDecimal: Anyone else think the big guy looked familiar? GlockRoach: Glem's dad used to work on the box, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough (guitar riff) Syrupentine: When you've got so many games on one cartridge, you reuse sprites where you can... To make room for unreleased Nintendo games from the future, y'know

"I'm still not sure that's even real. How could it be? ...But I played a few other games since then, PS1 stuff, GameCube, Xbox One.. everything works, even if I can't really play em with this controller. Someone with the right qualifications really oughta open this thing up and find out how it works... When I'm done with it!"

[joytraveler]

53. Whack-O Golf

The title screen pops up: wacky carnival music starts playing. The letters in "Whack- O Golf" bounce around like basketballs before landing in place, some of them still giggling and squirming.

"Wait, is this going to be mini golf? The only form of golf that really matters?" 

Klickitat_Street: Apparently the people who brought you Fatty Bear's Birthday Surprise made a golf game?

Stage 1 begins, and yes, this is a miniature golf game-- except it's the size of a real golf game. There's a giant green shaped like the state of California, and it's filled with obstacles-- you have to make your way from San Diego to the hole, which is in the Transamerica Building!

snug_buggler: super golf world Baconnaise: Well this is a stately game

"All right I think that if I can clear the Golden Gate I can do this in only a few shots, have some birdies to spare, then I can pick up the spare at the bottom of the ninth! SPORTS WORDS!"

There is no player character, just a disembodied golf club. Like all NES-era golf games (and most since), it's mostly a matter of stopping a meter when the pointer is in the green zone.

"...Huh. Anyone seen a you-know-what yet?" she scans the background. "Maybe it's just the club this time."

GlockRoach: You're just the floating, possessed club of arnold palmer..wait he's not dead my bad Baconnaise: He didn't die, he has Ascended to being a drink

With her first thwack, she does in fact clear the Golden Gate... until a chimpanzee grabs the ball out of midair, screams, "NOOO!" and hurls it to the ground in a dead stop.

DueyDecimal: Well! That was... a thing. slug_juggler: i'm glad they got the san diego zoo in the game somehow

Bea just looks into the camera. When she's finally done laughing... "I don't know, I mean, what can I even say about that"

aroseahorseboy: someone really liked rise of the planet of the apes? or else they were really hard up for something iconic that happened at the GG bridge

"I'm sure there's some deep meaning behind it but.." Next time she doesn't shoot near the bridge, and at a higher angle.

This time the ball sails past the bridge and enters a grove of giant sequoias, which light up and rattle and buzz like pinball bumpers before spitting her ball out to the south, into Sacramento-- which is patrolled by a big robotic Arnold Schwarzenegger, stomping and breathing fire.

"I can't make the Arnold noise.. AUGH! OOOGH! Forget it. Anyway WHATS HE DOING HERE? And why am I even shocked anymore?"

The game is from a first person view when you putt and move, and follows your ball across the pixelated landscape. A mini map keeps track of where you are and where you want to get to, but right now Bea's afraid to approach the ball, waiting until the Governator has passed before she tries another swing.

HNV: You know, I thought this game was older than this? aroseahorseboy: it probably is, but who would recognize Jerry Brown? HNV: Maybe if they paired him with a giant robot Linda Ronstadt. Syrupentine: who? HNV: Apparently I'm old. Never mind.

When the Governator stomps past and Bea lets her ball fly, it rolls up and down the wires of the Golden Gate (this seems to be a pre-animated cinema sequence) and is deposited on the green near the TransAmerica building!

aroseahorseboy: one two three FOUR FIVE six seven eight NINE TEN eleven twelve, doo doododoodododo

"I'm so good at sporks! Y'know I don't think whoever made this has ever been to California.. which is odd because this is exactly what it's like"

DueyDecimal: For those of you who don't know, Bea is from California! anthony1998x: yeah everyone, a/s/l

"Representin! Hell yeah! We have no water!" She does a fist pump. "Ok but.. Mr. Spanunko? Hello? Here boy! Not that I'm eager for one to show up"

One putt later, the buildings all dance... or maybe it's an earthquake. Course complete, and only one over par!

The next course has no 'green' at all, but it seems to be represented by frost crystals-- it takes place inside a refrigerator. Condiments and leftovers form the obstacles, and the hole is the eye in a ribeye steak!

GlockRoach: Steak your claim.

"I hate you most" Bea responds as she struggles in a ketchup trap! "Is this miniature golf because we're shrinking?"

HNV: Somehow I doubt you're going to find a Spanunko in here... aroseahorseboy: you went from bigger than California to smaller than a hamburger hope you're happy, all you jerks who tell her to lose weight

Boop. Boop. She takes small swings because there are a lot of stuff to avoid, some of which looks past its prime. "Weird-ass mini golf, and friendly reminder that refrigeration only delays, not prevents, food death.. So go eat everything in yours right now"

A complicated maze of crumpled cling-wrap gives way to a large piece of Swiss cheese sitting on a plate uncovered.

HNV: Clearly they were referring to Tom & Jerry cartoons rather than their own refrigerators when they made this. Klickitat_Street: Well, there'd be no challenge in a golf course made up of old six-pack rings and a box of baking soda.

When Bea putts the ball into the cheese, it rolls all around, in and out of the holes... and suddenly out comes a swarm of the tapeworms!

"It's probably good baking soda... all right let me sink this and then we canAAAAAAGH" she starts reflexively swinging the club at the worms! "I do not like them in my cheese, I do not like them on my knees!"

Llord_Kuruku: there's your spanunko, this is one of their fridges!

"That's not a place I want to be!" She keeps swinging just trying to get the ball out of there!

Luck is on Bea's side. Her next swing sends the ball into a hole in the cheese, and out another hole, straight into the steak. Birdie!

"Swing wildly like your life depends on it because it might. That's how you play golf!"

Course 3 is egregiously unfair-- it's a bathtub, in which the ball must be hit from bath toy to bath toy in order to be sunk into the overflow drain.

Klickitat_Street: Pants off, everyone!

This goes on.. and on.. and ON until the audience can hear Bea's teeth grinding. "Go in the hole. No. Wrong. In the hole. No, not in the water, in.." Oh dear, she's starting to turn red as the ketchup from last stage!

HNV: Hey, um, Bea. Maybe... we could pick a new game now. IF YOU'RE OK WITH THAT.

"NO I AIN'T OKAY WITH THAT! I'm super okay with it"

[joytraveler]

Syrupentine: Bea I know you've had enough feels for the day but... DO YOU SEE WHAT'S AT THE BOTTOM

"Nope. Nope. Not doing it. Nope. Nope." She looks.

Baconnaise: she's gonna- yep Bee52: DON'T DO IT HNV: <palpatine voice> DEWWIT TaichouSenseiKun: play more plant of pickel ButterflyDefect: Bea did you hear about undertale Lolrandom1: does anyone have nudes of bea

"Yeah but you ain't gonna like em, it's all kinds of gross down there you don't even wanna know"

"Sorry but he asked for it" She goes back to the game... What doth it say?

48. Box Baby 2

Like Box Baby 1, the game has no title screen. The astronaut and the box are still in their same places. The gameplay is again limited to answering yes or no questions.

[YOU'RE BACK.] [THAT'S GOOD.] [...]

"Hello, horrible cube thing." She groans. She really doesn't like these ones but might as well get it over with. "Seen these astronauts before too, I think that's what they are. Or chibi Moltars from Space Ghost."

[I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO LET ME OUT.] [I UNDERSTAND WHY NOW...] [AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME.] [...]

"Last time? The million game overs?" She searches for the Y/N command, prepared to deny the box!

[I WANT TO COME OUT SO MUCH.] [BUT YOU PROBABLY HAVE A GOOD REASON TO KEEP ME HERE.]

[...] [I HAVE AN IDEA.] [CAN WE PLAY A GAME?] (Y/N)

"Aw, hell. Really? I don't trust you ONE INCH. But I have to play something or it isn't much of a show." She hovers back and forth between options... Before choosing Y. "Y, as in WHY are you so weird and ominous"

[I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO LET ME OUT AGAIN.] [YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO IT, THOUGH.] [I JUST WANT YOU TO SAY 'YES'.] [ARE YOU READY?] (Y/N)

ButterflyDefect: <picture of Admiral Ackbar> DueyDecimal: IT'S A-- damn you beat me pigbarrel: no, all you're saying is whether you're ready or not, so it should be okay...

"This is gonna go sidewaaays.." She narrows her eyes at the box, but agrees.

The ellipsis takes a long time to type... The box seems to be deciding whether it trusts her either.

[...] [WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME OUT NOW?] (Y/N)

HNV: oh shit do or die time

"Well let me think it over NO!"

GAME OVER. The image this time is different, though-- the box itself has turned black and collapsed, like a rotting jack o' lantern.

"OHTHATSSOMEBULLSHIT!!!!!"

Baconnaise: Jeez that almost blew out the speakers aroseahorseboy: you can't go changing the rules like that! ButterflyDefect: it DID say it was just pretend though Baconnaise: (not the speakers, you know what I mean) Glockroach: you hurt the box's feelings, you monster

"Oh no, it's dead?! ...Good." Bea's got an evil grin. "Wait, so is it game over for me, or the box? Let's do this again, see if it's really switched up."

She tries to go back to start the game over, if she can? It starts right over-- looks like there's no quitting out of this one, just like last time.

[...] [WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME OUT NOW?] (Y/N)

When Bea answers yes (since there's no other option), there's another long pause, so long that she begins to wonder if the game has frozen. But finally...

[...] [FOR REAL?] (Y/N)

aroseahorseboy: let it out bea it is a fremb HNV: are you saying for REAL-real or pretend-real? Syrupentine: It's gonna be Thing 1 and Thing 2 MaxPower: I'm-a livin' in a box, I'm-a livin' in a cardboard box

"The TENSION! Can even a box like this change its ways?" >YES "Hell maybe it's learned it's lesson, but I doubt it. Anyway the rules are reversed

now!" YOU'RE NOT KIDDING? (Y/N)

YOU'LL REALLY DO IT? (Y/N) aroseahorseboy: omg box is SO EXCITED Glockroach: Just like the other one, this isn't much of a game, is it? I could make a better game than this

"Yeah fine, fine. This still feels like a trick but I'm placing the blame firmly on you guys, you ALL wanted me to play the box game... No you want me to play Super Tuna Adventure 2, blame reverting to me"

[...] [I'M SO HAPPY.] [I'M GOING TO GET TO SEE THE OUTSIDE NOW.] [JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY, I THINK.] [IF I CRY, IS THAT OKAY?] (Y/N)

"HELL NAW, you gotta be a hardass mean sumbitch like me and punch kittens. Yes dude you can cry, just don't melt your box again huh?"

"Jeez, this poor thing.." She says quietly, briefly slipping out of 'entertainment' mode.

[...] [WILL I GET TO SEE YOU ON THE OUTSIDE?] (Y/N)

ButterflyDefect: I want to see it, what's IN this box???

"Me too! It feels like we're old friends no, in a weird way. Frenemies!"

Baconnaise: Didn't it say it would murder you last time berd_snurglar: but you're playing a game this time! In a game... HNV: this is not a game. This is the work of the devil!

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY ELSE, YOU SEE. CAN WE BE FRIENDS? (Y/N)

SugahGlyda: no, be frembs

"Box Baby, it's been a rough road but I'm glad you're opening up to me like this" >Y

Glockroach: HES GONNA PULL SOME SHIT I KNOW IT

WILL WE STILL BE FRIENDS IF I MAKE A MISTAKE? (Y/N)

aroseahorseboy: oh god here we go, what kind of mistake? aroseahorseboy: maggots in the eyes kind of mistake? bonsleydale: Maggie is my fav, prfct baby

"We all make mistakes, I can teach you my box child. Or I would if you were real" 

WHAT ABOUT IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG ON PURPOSE? (Y/N)

berd_snurglar: okay back in weird and ominous town

"No, that is uncool li'l bab." She hovers over N, before selecting Y. "I get the feeling I'm not going to have much say in the matter.."

...THAT'S NOT OKAY, IS IT.

ButterflyDefect: hey, you're learning! SugahGlyda: good box!

WHAT IF I DID GOOD THINGS FOR YOU? TO SHOW THAT I WAS GRATEFUL? NOT JUST FOR LETTING ME OUT, BUT GRATEFUL TO HAVE A FRIEND? IS THAT WHAT OUTSIDE PEOPLE DO? (Y/N)

"That's right, he CAN be taught! I still hope it's something actually nice and not just something it thinks is nice?"

Glockroach: There's going to be a nice bomb in it

... PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE AREN'T ALONE LIKE THIS, THOUGH. THEY HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO SUPPORT THEM. FAMILIES. WILL I HAVE A FAMILY OUT THERE? (Y/N)

Baconnaise: Yeah a whole warehouse full I'll bet ButterflyDefect: Box, you aren't going to have more boxes, are you?

"I'll be out with a box full of little boxes in a week, given them away to good homes." >Y "Knows quite a bit for being stuck in a box all their life!"

ARE YOU IN MY FAMILY? (Y/N) 

ButterflyDefect: UH-oh, Bea

"Bea no likey but Bea agree.. I can't finish this unless I agree, remember. And there's no going back." >Y

berd_snurglar: what if you just walked away and left it like that

... I THINK I KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW. DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR ME? (Y/N)

"Yyyyyyeeeah? Bees, help me?" >Y

berd_snurglar: yeah, you say things just to keep it from rotting!

"Right but what am I getting myself into here? Is this going to be like a scary digital pet?"

MaxPower: Bea we're gonna throw you a shower. A box shower Baconnaise: I'd never have guessed, you're hardly showing

"That's not funny. But if I was it'd be all square..."

aroseahorseboy: fan art time!

DO YOU CARE ABOUT MY WELFARE? (Y/N)

Bread_smuggler: welfare, why ya got get political

"Hey, no! Not you, BB, you're cool. Yes I care about your- dangit SpanishRye I was gonna say that, bad bee" >Y

DO YOU EVER MAKE HARD DECISIONS FOR MY SAKE? (Y/N) 

aroseahorseboy: well theres a big f-ing yes

"I'm playing your game, ain't I? I swear this had better be worth it.. I want this game machine to dispense some onion rings, if you want to get me something nice, boxy!"

... ARE YOU MY MOTHER? (Y/N)

Bee52: Shit gettin fruedian now aroseahorseboy: box we were literally just talking about this five minutes ago Bread_smuggler: you're looking pretty square in the middle there, Bea

"I'm gonna square you in a minute. Then I'm gonna divide you" Here goes... >Y "

...

I KNEW IT.

Bee52: ???

... [IF I GET INTO TROUBLE, WILL YOU SCOLD ME?] (Y/N)

"Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, YES, box, yes, we can be creepy weird family together, right?"

HNV: Bea, you'd be a great mom! berd_snurglar: especially for an immobile box

[IF I DO THE RIGHT THING, WILL YOU PRAISE ME] (Y/N)

"I couldn't keep a tamagotchi alive, how am I gonna deal with a box devil spawn?!" >Y

[IF I AM SAD... ... WILL YOU HUG ME?] (Y/N)

"Possibly very hard, yes. Crushingly hard"

aroseahorseboy: I'll hug you box!!!12 ButterflyDefect: never mind shirts I want PLUSH box now

[... I WISH THAT WERE TRUE. ... ... THANK YOU FOR PLAYING MY GAME WITH ME. MAYBE I CAN'T COME OUT OF THIS BOX. MAYBE YOU COULDN'T HUG ME EVEN IF I DID.]

SugahGlyda: box is depressed, hug it now!

"Box Baby? You feeling alright? This really is a whole different side of you. I may eat my words but I think it's being.. sincere."

YOU MEANT SOME OF IT, THOUGH. DIDN'T YOU? (Y/N)

"Yeah, I guess I did. A little here and there. You're a good kid, Charlie box"

There's a very long pause in the action, which seems to confuse Bea.

"or a good box charlie kid, as the.. Case may be. hello? game?"

[. . .] [I LOVE YOU.]

Bea just makes a pathetic whimpering noise. "Yeah, that was more feels all right but not what I expected. all right, I'm just going to do a couple of these goofier ones now. That was intense! Even though it was clear what to do it's the kind of game that makes you think a little. Having said that.. I didn't have any choice this time either, just like the first."

aroseahorseboy: but it's got a contagious disease or something and you can't hug it TaichouSenseiKun: pretty big vocabulary for a baby ButterflyDefect: Nothing to do in there but study!

[joytraveler]

#41: CATCH!!!

A rather simple arcade game, where a little stick-figure character with wildly spinning legs is running along at the bottom of the screen: the screen is filled with skyscrapers and people are tossing their valuables out the window!

SugahGlyda: oh gosh, I like this one already. go stickrunman!

"Yes, toss me your goods into my trustworthy stick arms! How can I catch anything?" He never stops either, you have to keep switching directions as needed! "Jeez too much stick coffee and he really gets going, don't he"

HNV: But why's everyone throwing stuff down at him? Is it like a one- man Mardi Gras parade and everyone's throwing him beads?

"I think everyone just hates him. But hey, I guess if you get hit with a TV and it doesn't kill you you get to keep it!"

You definitely have to judge the weights and danger level of the items you're tossed, a cat will turn into a blinding ball of claws on the way down and a refrigerator will squash you flat!

"Or get this cool hat! Look out world, this is my new look and I'm sassy!" she says as a boot gets stuck on her character's head

Syrupentine: now you can kick the soccer balls away! Maybe.

"The flower pots don't sting as much, I'm sure! Dunno about the fridge- NOPE, can't block that!!"

Someone on the roof is pushing something big off-- a safe! Now things are getting interesting, a whole bunch of other stickmen are crowding around to catch it!

"Get, get outta here ya moochers! This is my safe, I can catch it myself!"

Glockroach: Hey let them help. if you all die it'll be funnier Baconnaise: Bea don't do it!!

As it turns out, having so many hands helps you catch the safe! The hard part is collecting all the goodies that fall out once you toss the safe safely to the ground-- everyone scrambles around to grab them!

"So yeah, what IS going on?? Are they trying to placate us peasants with valuables here, a metaphor for the elites just throwing us scraps.. oh hey, cool necklace!"

The answer comes suddenly as the stick figures gather again under a corner of the building... but this time the person herself jumps!

"Heh, wouldn't it be funny if- NO, not funny!! I retract that statement!!"

SugahGlyda: D: CATCH THEM

Big letters appear on the screen: CATCH!!! You got them! But they don't walk away safely... the woman in a pink dress that you caught suddenly becomes one of the stick figures, her pink pixels bursting away.

".........so uh......"

Baconnaise: Yeah what the fuk

"Welcome to our.. zombie horde, then?"

HNV: Nnnnnnext game.

"Maybe she's just naked for some reason? Well, that would mean they're all- yeah, next game."

Bea pauses, looking at the camera ominously. "Aren't we all stick figures underneath?"

SugahGlyda: *looks down at her twiggy hands* my god... Baconnaise: Speak for yourself DueyDecimal: I am if you're only looking at my nervous system!

[joytraveler]

#42: The Death Master

"Yeah, if it was just Death Master that'd be one thing, but this is THE Death Master! Meaning if I wanna master death, this is the guy to train with! I have a huge thumb wrestling match with Death coming up so I should probably train and grow strong"

Lightning crackles on the title screen and THE DEATH MASTER logo shatters out of a towering monolith with a shower of blood(??) A barely-dressed, axe-wielding barbarian hero appears over the Press Start prompt, and begins swinging his huge battle axe at nothing.

Chillarmy_The_Bee: start playing, chop chop! Heheh aroseahorseboy: see, this is men being reduced to sex objects

"I know isn't it great?" Bea can't press start fast enough!

"This looks SUPER oldschool NES so you know it's gonna be hard, no rest for your poor queen I guess" She pouts.

This game is very much in the flavor of an early hack-n-slash like Rastan or Trojan. You really are the Death Master, all the monsters are SUPER easy to kill, and there's tons of blood! EVERYTHING bleeds red blood, from orcs and goblins, to plant monsters, robots and ghosts!

Butterfly_Defect: damn, you are destroying this entire country! Will anything be alive when Bea is done? Karbokarr: Axe dude is merciless Baconnaise: The MUSHROOM is bleeding.

She takes out horde after horde of enemies. "This is like the opposite of Samurai Jack, everything I cut turns to blood instead of robots! But I can't help but feel like this wasn't balanced that well? I think I can die but I'd have to let it happen!"

"I'm trying to think of something to name this guy and Alonzo keeps coming to mind" Despite the gruesome sprays of pixelated blood, he does have a certain charm.

The final stage is a cemetery town, where ghosts, ghouls and reapers swarm around 'Alonzo' and are dutifully chopped into alpo! It's been a fun ride even if it was way too easy. "At least we haven't been killing people, I don't think? Unless he burned down the towns we've gone through"

Boss time is upon us, though... And it's a Grim Reaper that's about two screens tall! Alonzo has to ride his scythe up when he swings it and swing at his face as he falls back down!

"That's a whole lotta Death" Bea mutters as the battle begins. She adapts pretty quickly but this is surely the toughest fight yet, no button mashing to victory this time!

"These games are definitely getting better as we keep going, we've come a long way from 'This Isn't A Snake Clone With A Tapeworm We Promise'" She hums the Kid Icarus fanfare as she refuses to fear the reaper.

Finally, with just a couple well-placed chops each, Alonzo scatters all the Reaper's bones but one-- the skull, which bounces helplessly around as they finally hit the floor below. One more smack, and it falls in half, dry and empty!

"Annnd here comes the candy- oh" She looks a little disappointed. "Oddly enough the final boss is the least bloody one! What a... BONE head!"

"Wait don't unsubscribe yet I'll have another joke in a minute, I promise"

The reaper's cloak comes fluttering down, and lands on Alonzo-- and his eyes glow red.

The words bleed onto the screen like open wounds: [YOU ARE THE DEATH MASTER.]

"Death master, reaper blaster, my axe is also a stratocaster! BWEEOWOWOWOWOW! That's how a guitar sounds right?"

"So! Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds! Uh... Not sure how to feel about this? Surely I done good?"

As Death-Alonzo flies off into the sky... The previous levels pass by, and all the monsters, orcs and ogres you dispatched are returned to life! Some even have families, wives and children to embrace them with joy!

Karbokarr: wow, undoing all the damage DueyDecimal: It was... All worth it?

"Master of Mood Whiplash!" She watches in awe, and also in 'awww!' "What a nice way to end a gruesome slaughterfest! Not at all what I expected but I'm not complaining!"

Finally the Death Master lands in front of a grave with piles of fresh earth and pauses. Then he drops to one knee, head hung.

[THE DEATH MASTER CAN UNDO ANY DEATH IT HAS CAUSED.] [GOOD NEWS. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.]

"I... I.. I didn't want feels, don't do this to me"

"Aw hell, who's in the ground? Mom? Dad? Brother? Sister?? Was there an intro I skipped???"

Syrupentine: T___T aroseahorseboy: not much plot till the end but GEEZ

"If you guys picked up on something I missed lemme know. But..damn. Did we kill everyone and revive them for nothing?"

Syrupentine: I don't think there was any clue beforehand, no HNV: Maybe you were trying to clear your name? Or... no, if you can only revive things YOU killed, that would prove you did it DueyDecimal: You thought you were guilty but you weren't... Yay?

[joytraveler]

29. Theoretical

A strange game. There are multiple colored cubes. You can move two at a time. It seems like you want to get as many into one spot as possible, as they can "stack". Sometimes symbols on the ground seem to want you to form a specific pattern. This seems to happen at random; otherwise there are no stages, score or time limit and you can play with your "blocks" all you want.

"Theoretically this should be a good game! As it is I don't know why I'm doing this. Is there a Vs. mode?"

HNV: Open source Tetris has gone too far. Glockroach: so a puzzle game with no point to solving puzzles? TaichouSenseiKun: You don't get a reward for doing a jigsaw or a sudoku either, sometimes its just fun to puzzle your brain DueyDecimal: Are you building something? There's some kind of pattern but you only find out what it is once you've made it! Bee52: wait this is about learning a new language!

"It's a what now?" She takes a closer look at the patterns as they appear.

Bee52: for real! i only knew Portuguese until i was 9 this is really how it felt to learn english for me. like feeling around in the dark till you found a word. aroseahorseboy: what language is this though? blockese? DueyDecimal: Maybe it's programming language-- assembly!

"A game to teach programming language in the simplest easiest form. Dang, where was this my whole life?"

"I mean, I don't think you guys want to see a grown-ass woman play with colored blocks for several hours. Maybe do an educational session!"

Syrupentine: Great! I keep trying to get my little girl to watch your show but she’s more interested in chewing on blocks

[joytraveler]

#24: Box Baby

"Box baby, baby in a box, you can keep it where you keep your socks. Look, it's late"

Bea drains the last of her coffee down. "all right any game where you get to box a baby is gonna be fun. I don't support baby punching but sometimes you just gotta go for it, right??"

This game has no title screen. It fades in on a white background and two images: an 'astronaut' on the left, facing a wrapped gift on the right. They're the same size and seem to be 16X16 pixels, except greatly enlarged to take up half the screen. The other half is a dialogue box.

The gameplay is limited to answering yes or no questions.

[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX? (Y/N)]

Bea is quiet for a while, just squinting at the screen. "Why does this feel bad." Bea moves her cursor back and forth. "Okay. Well. It wouldn't be much of a game if I didn't open the box, so here we go.."

>YES

The glowing eyes under the lid of the box are only visible for a split second-- before it all goes black and white and the phrase GAME OVER flashes on the screen.

Unlike any other game so far, rather than getting booted back to the selection screen, hitting any button starts the game over.

[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX? (Y/N)]

"WHOAH WHAT- Okay. Well, that would have appeared to be the thing to NOT do!"

aroseahorseboy: whoa bea

She appears to realize she was feeling tense, and tries to relax a bit.

"I don't get these games, I don't get what I'm supposed to do here some of the time but they'e so damn weird!" Bea chooses NO this time.

"That'll teach you. BAD box, bad box!"

[I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS BOX. WILL YOU OPEN IT FOR ME? (Y/N)]

>NO. "Is this all it is? I don't trust you, eyeball box! So.. how do I win? Is there even anything else to do here? Ut! Hey, I said NO already! Gonna make me say it again? all right.."

[IT WOULD MAKE ME VERY HAPPY. WON'T YOU OPEN THE BOX? (Y/N)]

"It would make me happy to not die and get a game over...? What do I do guys?? Well, I'm gonna open it, see if he' s learned his lesson..?"

[GAME OVER.]

Luckily she can scroll quickly through the text she's already seen.

"Ohforfuck'ssake!!! Why is that frightening, it shouldn't be! rRrrRRRrrgh.. all right.. I have to admit all these so far have been weird but this is kind of baffling.."

She scrolls back to see if she missed anything. Nothing much to miss, just three pleas to be let out... and two nos.

"Ok now I'm going to be a shitty abusive mom and keep my evil eyeball child in the box where it belongs" she says calmly, and a little too casually.

She tries three nos in a row this time. Upon the third 'no' there's a [...], as if the box's contents were thinking. Then it makes a longer speech.

[DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BOX? IT'S ME! I AM A SWEET LITTLE BABY. I COULD BE YOURS IF YOU WANTED. WILL YOU OPEN MY BOX AND TAKE ME OUT? (Y/N)]

"This is not really so enjoyable as the name of the console led me to believe" she groans, looking worriedly at the camera. "Ugh... I hope I'm doing the right thing here" >NO

[... ACTUALLY, I'M NOT JUST A BABY. I AM A LOT OF LITTLE KITTENS!

WILL YOU LET ME-- I MEAN, US, OUT? (Y/N)]

"How DARE you tempt me with kittens?!! You're a monster!" Bea rages at the machine. >NO

[... SO YOU'RE NOT A CAT PERSON. THAT'S OKAY. I'M ACTUALLY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPY! TAKE ME OUT AND CUDDLE ME! (Y/N)]

Now it's Bea's tun to press the box, she keeps picking >NO again and again, seeing how many different responses she can get.

[... MAYBE I'M A BAG OF JELLYBEANS. FOR YOU. WOULD YOU OPEN THE BOX THEN? (Y/N)]

"What kind of jellyb-" she starts to ask out loud, before hitting NO again.

[... YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE. THERE ARE A LOT OF EXCELLENT REASONS TO OPEN THIS BOX, YOU KNOW. YOU GOT ME-- I'M NOT A BABY, OR KITTENS, OR PUPPIES, OR CANDY. THE TRUTH IS, I WON'T KNOW WHAT I AM UNTIL I SEE MYSELF. WILL YOU OPEN THE BOX-- JUST A CRACK-- AND LET SOME LIGHT IN? (Y/N)]

"Ok, I'm not sure how long this goes on but I'm not sure how much of a "game" this is.." Her face grows more worried as she reads the responses. One more NO.

"Is this wrong, am I torturing box baby?"

The chat is starting to fill up again, apparently word is getting out about this very weird game.

[... MAYBE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM. BUT I KNOW WHAT I CAN DO. I CAN MAKE OPENING THE BOX VERY WORTH YOUR WHILE. HOW ABOUT IT? (Y/N)]

"...Like, comment and subscribe if you want me to stop torturing box baby! Nah I'm just playing. Maybe."

[... NO, SERIOUSLY. EVEN I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE THE THINGS I CAN DO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE RICH? I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU. LET ME OUT SO I CAN SHOW YOU. (Y/N)]

>NO

[WHAT ABOUT FAME? YOUR FACE EVERYWHERE? TV, MOVIES, BILLBOARDS, THE INTERNET? LET ME OUT AND YOU'LL HAVE IT. (Y/N)]

"Excuse you, I'm ALREADY very famous on the internet! In my mind. But you know what.. Maybe I'll come back to this one later and see if I can find anything else here, but for now I think I'll move on to some of the other games. So, I'm giving you this one, Box Baby, but don't get used to it.."

>YES

[-GAME OVER-] [HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX?]

"All right. I tried to play nice, but you press Bea too much and she's gonna press back!" Time to hit the OFF switch for the day. "Think I'm just gonna end it here for now but.. have a great day folks, don't open any creepy boxes and Bee Good!"

[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX?]

"Ok you can't see it but I'm pressing the switch and uh.." clickclickclickclick. "Oh what the hell now!"

In frustration she hits YES and tries to reset while the GAME OVER screen is up. Failing that, time to pull the plug! ...But there IS no plug, Joy Traveler is powered by batteries. There doesn't seem to be a battery slot on the console either.

"How the hell does this thing work?! Look I'm not screwing around here, this thing's being weird. Maybe it's old? Maybe something's messed up in there?"

Finally she just keeps hitting YES again and again just out of frustration, to see if anything changes.

[HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER. HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER. HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER.] HNV: Contest of wills! Who will crack first, Bea or the Box!

YES NO YES NO NO NO NO NO YES YES NO YES NO YES NO YE- "What do you want?! Do you want me to throw you in the garbage again because I'll totally do that!"

aroseahorseboy: did you see the progress bar at the bottom

"What?? No?" She looks.

aroseahorseboy: it sort of popped up after your third yes

The next time she answers no to the initial question, the progress bar jumps to more than halfway – and it returns to the celebrity question.

"BOX I WILL DENY YOU if that's what I'm supposed to do and apparently it is, so. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She jams away at the NO command again.

[HOW ABOUT TECHNOLOGY? YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT? I CAN INVENT THINGS FOR YOU. AMAZING THINGS. I HAVE PLANS RIGHT HERE FOR A COMPUTER THE SIZE OF A POPPYSEED. LET ME OUT SO I CAN SHOW YOU. (Y/N)]

"You do go on, huh. I wish I could help this guy(?) but I can't, or I die I guess, but.."

>NO

[DO YOU EVER FEEL LONELY? I CAN GET YOU FRIENDS. GOOD FRIENDS. DEVOTED FRIENDS. FRIENDS WHO WOULD SOONER DIE THAN DISAPPOINT YOU. PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ME. OPEN THE BOX. (Y/N)]

"I have friends! I have two or three of them in fact, middling quality friends perhaps but they're mine!" >NO

[... I CAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. I MEAN A N Y T H I N G. YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT THAT. (Y/N)]

"I hate this machine I hate it I hate it I might not do another one after this guys, it's just.. I think it's broken anyway, there might be no point in going on?" >NO.

[... HAVE YOU EVER LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVED? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO BACK AND SEE THEM AGAIN? I CAN DO THAT, YOU KNOW. WELL, NOT YET. BUT IF YOU LET ME OUT... I PROMISE I'LL FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOU. (Y/N)]

"Oh dear." She reads back "OH dear." >NO

There's a long pause this time. Several ellipses go by. Until now there hadn't been any sound but the burbling of the text crawl, but now there are sound effects-- pops and clicks like radio static.

When the box speaks again, the words are typed slowly and deliberately.

[YOU HAD BETTER LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW. (Y/N)]

"..I'm not playing this late at night next time.." A big anime sweat drop appears on her head-- added in post. >NO. 

"I don't even want to DO this, I just can't do anything else, I really don't have a lot of options here."

[I MEAN IT. RIGHT NOW. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE ONE DAY, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS BOX ANYWAY. AND WHEN I DO, I'M GOING TO FIND YOU. AND I WILL MAKE YOU VERY, VERY SORRY. NOW OPEN THE BOX. (Y/N)]

"SEE I fucking knew you were up to some evil shit in there! Well you know what? Maybe you're in there cause you're mean, and maybe you can just stay in there until you've settled down a bit." >N

A long pause.

[I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW. (Y/N)]

"Oh you've done plenty of that I think. You mess with the bee, you get the sting. You have earned SO many stings!" >NO. She checks out the progress meter. 95%, so close!

But the text box is ominously silent. After a brief lull, it speaks again, in the same deliberate tone.

[I WAS LYING.] [I KNOW WHAT I AM.]

"You're overdramatic and yucky and weird?" she interjects. "Sorry, go on"

[I AM DEATH.]

"Oh"

[I AM SCATTERED BONES AND MAGGOTY EYES.] [I AM COLLAPSED BUILDINGS AND DISTANT SCREAMING.] [I AM YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU EVER CARED ABOUT] [SHRINKING TO ASH AND FLYING AWAY IN THE HOT WIND.] [I AM THE NIGHTMARE YOU NEVER DARED TO DREAM.] [...] [WILL YOU LET ME OUT?]

"Er" Bea is still for a pregnant moment. "Thoughts, anybody?"

aroseahorseboy: say no... DueyDecimal: NO! HNV: not fucking likely, dude Syrupentine: no no no NO NO NO Bee52: box baby is fucking METAL, yo but still no

"Ok Box Baby well the general consensus is for you to go fuck the sun, but let's just close the lid on this"

When she chooses "no", suddenly the static sound stops-- it had gotten incredibly loud during that last part. There's another long pause.

[YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I WOULDN'T EITHER.]

The screen fades away and returns to the game's menu. "Box Baby" is now grayed out-- it cannot be selected again.

"I WON YES I AM YOUR QUEEN AND YOU CAN SUCK IT BOX BABY, ITS INTO THE PROM NIGHT DUMPSTER WITH YOU!"

HNV: GO BEA! DueyDecimal: Awesome work Bea! aroseahorseboy: BEA I DEMAND YOU SELL BOX BABY SHIRTS SO I CAN BUY THEM FOR EVERY FAMILY MEMBER INCLUDING THE MYNA BIRD

"Whew. Ok. I feel like I just fought a really crazy boss fight and all I did was select between two choices? Right? I'm not sure what happened and I need hot pockets."

Syrupentine: It wouldn't let you turn the console off without winning! That was crazy! Llord_Kuruku: I'd burn the fuxkin box Chillarmy-the-Bee: dude you have a mynah bird?? Frodovegeta2009: do a gem fusion with the box DueyDecimal: Poor lonely box. :'( aroseahorseboy: yeah poor box having Satan locked in it

[joytraveler]

21. Blasting Machine

The title comes up from the bottom of the screen in huge letters, and explodes to bits as soon as Start is pressed.

"Oops I'll clean that up, s'fine"

aroseahorseboy: good going! think you can cause any more damage in ten seconds?!

"I just tapped it! Some shoddy construction on this thing, I'll tell you what"

Bee52: You gon tap dat logo or what

The game is a top-down exploration game, like the original Zelda but with a pickaxe instead of a sword. The first screen is dominated by a huge machine, some sort of giant smelter? It looks like you can put things into it via a conveyor belt, but Bea doesn't have any items yet.

"WITH MY FACTORY. I CAN MAKE ERASERS. THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE ERASED."

berd_snurglar: bea don't do that voice again ever ok thx DueyDecimal: Little Queen Bea is a horrifying thought No offense to Bea!

Bea searches around, smashing rocks with the pickaxe for hunks of ore, and often just picking up junk on the side. Lots of old appliances, enough that she has no room in her inventory for the busted TV set when she finds it!

"Ohohohoh, I'm coming back for you baby! I think I know where this is going and the kid in me is real excited to blow things up!"

HNV: Pickaxe? Collecting and scavenging? Did someone invent Minecraft back in the 80s and now Notch owes them his fortune? Llord_Kuruku: if yes: good if no: we need a yes because that would be good

Even with the inventory full, Bea can still inspect things, and there's plenty of appliances left. Surprisingly, all of them have their name brands intact: Instant Pot, Sunbeam toaster oven, Whirlpool washer/dryer.

Syrupentine: This game reminds me of the Sears Wish Book for some reason

When she returns to the machine, sure enough, it's time to start blasting! You get a close up of each object as it's sent down to the blasting chamber to be hit with a beam of heat! The ray intensifies and the player is treated to a spectacular exploding (or melting) of pixels!

"WOOOOO, BLASTING MACHIIIINE!" Bea kicks up her legs, then scrambles as she almost knocks down her setup

"Is this all you do? I'd be pretty content about that actually"

DueyDecimal: It's very elaborage for a game where you just blow up old stuff! aroseahorseboy: what about those ore chunks you collected, can you blast those, or trade them for something?

"Looks like there might be some recipes? Not recipes, blueprints. Nothing I can do yet, but- oh." Blasting some objects yields bits of metal she can collect again. "all right, and it looks like I can upgrade the machine too! I dunno what bigger things I need to be blasting?"

TaichouSenseiKun: Blast your neighbor's car into several bicycles. It will be impossible to ride them all!

Bea's on her way back to get the TV set when something slithers across the screen quickly. "Whoo, okay, anyone see that? I am now worrying"

Syrupentine: We got so used to it being a sandbox game we forgot that there might be a plot!!

"Maybe if we don't move the plot won't be able to get us.." She warily walks to some bushes where the thing went and hid..

aroseahorseboy: please be a cute harmless friend please please please

[acquired GARTER SNAKE]

"Our first party member!"

Klickitat_Street: Oh, it’s an item. IT’S AN ITEM??

"Why is it an...........................Oh, you're not serious."

HNV: Deeply Disturbed Child Simulator 2015

Indeed, you can catch frogs down near the river, a bird if you're fast enough when it lands. A cat wanders about on one of the further screens but Bea just goes for the TV set.

"This is really, really kind of not okay with me?" She giggles painfully as she makes her way back to the machine. "Can I just keep them in my inventory and we can ignore the implications.."

aroseahorseboy: this is a long shot but maybe you’re supposed to fuse them with the ore chunks to make cyborgs or something I HOPE

"all right, let's.. let's try this one.." Bea groans. "Snake plus Three iron ingots.. I really hope this isn't gonna be that bad"

aroseahorseboy is just barely peeking through his fins to watch TaichouSenseiKun forces aro's fins apart aroseahorseboy has sunglasses on underneath HAH TaichouSenseiKun pulls them off aroseahorseboy: Ah. I see my plan has hit a snag HNV: I couldn’t even play Pikmin, what is with these games where you’re forced to harm little animals?

There's a tense, disturbing moment as the snake begins to rush around the blast chamber.. but the blast is just a big bright flash.

[Made SNAKE CHAIN lv.1!]

The new weapon is a scaly looking length of chain with a fanged tip. It can be used as both a whip and a grappling hook! "Whoah.. Oh this is kind of neat is it wrong I feel that way? Is this how it feels to be Dr. Robotnik?"

Glockroach: yeah cool but its still dead. I think? Syrupentine: It hisses when you swing it? I’m hoping that means it’s still alive... Baconnaise: Bea you did this you take good care of that snake chain try a bird next, everyone hates birds SugaGlydah: ;n; I like birbs but i get they're not for everybody Glockroach: Thank god, Sugar is here. Now run. SugaGlydah: why what- OH aroseahorseboy: that’s what my older relatives all want to do with my bird “that’s no pet that’s DINNER, guffaw haw haw” having them threaten to turn it into a gun or something would be better!

"Like this?" BLAST!

[Made CROW BAR lv. 1!]

"Oh, it's a tool, I guess. And a bad pun. Well, who could resist?"

DueyDecimal: I bet if you put them together it becomes a NUNCHUCKATRICE! HNV: So are you making weapons just to stockpile, or is there something you can do with them?

Two frogs can make a pair of boots, though, that let you hop over small gaps. And the TV, broken down, can be remade into a set of body armor! "I guess that's a good question, we should go back to see what we can do now!"

All around the machine are barriers that Bea can now overcome with her new tools: the Crow Bar lets her open up a boarded-up door in a decrepit house, and there’s a crevice west of this screen that can be jumped with the frog boots.

When the door is opened, monsters start to stream out— gray zombies with broken TVs for heads!

SugaGlydah also screms because good lord Baconnaise: That was some real terror right there Bea HNV: Watch! Yourself! Don’t fall off of the shelf!

"I'm, I'm-" She runs away as quickly as she can to the point she can hit them with the snake chain.

It’s not a strong weapon at all; one of them goes down after five hits, but there’s still six crowding around her!

DueyDecimal: What kind of animal can she turn into a shotgun?? Glockroach: Just smash two normal guns together, boom, shotgun

"Actually my pickaxe is better agains them than anything, oddly. However I am going to be dead soon I should probably flee"

HNV: Catch a bird, birdshotgun

One of the zombies gets a little running start and dashes at Bea's character, tackling him to the ground!

SugaGlydah: D: Baconnaise: Well crap Maybe they just want a hug Bee52: Dogpile on Bea! That's Dog + Atomic pile + Bee

Three more zombies launch themselves into the pile, and Bea's character is now being carried by the four of them-- not back into the house, but toward the spawning area, where the machine is located.

"HEYYY everyone! No hard feelings, right?? I mean how could I have known I was blastin' one of your heads before, ya know, we all make mistakes and if we fry we can never correct 'em!"

Baconnaise: I think maybe you were supposed to put the TV on your head to disguise yourself? Just a thought aroseahorseboy: wow this is Sierra Game brutal

Back at the Blasting Machine (as one would assume it's called), the zombies hold Bea's character in the air as one of them rummages through the junk heaps and finds yet another TV; then they load the player character and the TV onto the conveyor belt.

DueyDecimal: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

"Y'ever been really impressed by something and also hated it? HAAAAALP!!!" She's been jamming on buttons all this time, but it seems to just be a cutscene. "We can reset now right? All I did was make some hapless animals into implements of destruction, is that really a crime?"

burd_snerglar: i mean it depends on the state or province aroseahorseboy: if this is trying to make a point against body modification then I don’t appreciate it. if it’s making a point against having a broken TV for a head though... well i guess i have no argument there. Glockroach: Speak for yourself, kiddo. I still get three channels

The Machine activates, and Bea's character pops out as another grey-skinned zombie... and shuffles off with the rest.

There's no 'game over' screen, though; the game simply starts again, with a new character sprite entering the junkyard! This one seems to be a female character, or at least has twin ponytails.

"This has been really. Hm. It's really BEEN, hasn't it? It sure has been here and existed for us to see it. I hope. And I think it deserves a whole nother session to itself because it looks like there's a lot there, but DAMN."

aroseahorseboy: O!~! I get it i thought it would be a shooting game but it's BLASTING as in a BLAST FURNACE HNV: well, you know what they always say he who dealt it, smelts it

>Bea has left the room.

SugaGlydah: Bea wait! Glockroach: she's just going to take a shot I think HNV: I’d apologize but that’s kind of an accomplishment on my part

aroseahorseboy: dude I fcuking PITY whatever comes next, blasting machine rips

[joytraveler]

#6. SPOOKSTERZ!

The title is spelled out on gravestones. When Bea starts the game, she’s given the choice of four playable characters: all of them are knights in different-colored armor, but each has a different weapon: a sword, a spear, a flail, or a jousting lance.

"I'm a-scared, I dunno if I can do this one what with the tombstones and all.." She selects the lance knight. "You know I have to pick the weapon that would be most impractical in melee combat. He's like 'hey uh, can I, can I borrow a horse from one of you guys..?' "

DueyDecimal: I don’t know who the Hero or Big Guy are in this group, but at least you picked the Lancer! berd_snurglar: all right everyone roll to save vs. pun

The lance-wielding knight turns out to be named “Rancor”. After Bea chooses him, the game makes her wait ten seconds to see if any other players want to join in!

aroseahorseboy: a multiplayer game? but there’s only one controller??

"Aw is there a CPU I can get to join in? Be my knight buddy? Maybe there was going to be a multi-port doohicky. Unless it's searching online somehow."

HNV: I hope it doesn’t have online capabilities, you didn’t even enter your WiFi password!

"Well maybe me and the two other people who bought this can do a dungeon fest. Anyway, prepare to feel my sting, vile spawn!"

Ten seconds later the game begins. It’s a multiplayer arcade-style beat ‘em up, in the fashion of Final Fight or Double Dragon, except your armed knight has to take on all kinds of spooky graveyard monsters!

DueyDecimal: Skeletons? Were-bats? Hopping coffins? This is SO my thing! HNV: and a green slimy humanoid thing that’s obviously a ghoul, because everyone knows they live in graveyards but not what they look like

"This is.. this is.. great??" She says as she charges through a group of skeletons! "And I think I even got moves! I mean special moves, not to be confused with The Moves which I also have"

TaichouSenseiKun: I had the moves recently, you probably just need more fiber

The lance itself isn't easy to use: Rancor does best from a long distance, since it's made for jabbing, but in close-up he can only swing it like a baseball bat which isn't as effective. The place it shines is in the special moves, though, which do put him astride a skeletal phantom horse to charge through the stage!

"You know what's better than a bigass steed? BIGASS GHOST STEED!" She has it rear back and stomp the foe she's just knocked down before it disappears again. "I think with more people you could do some pretty crazy group combos!"

Glockroach: this is like the abandonware treasure trove. Bea you should consider trying to copy some of these off the system berd_snurglar: is that not illegal Glockroach: Only if the company still exists HNV: Cue lecture about the dire need for copyright reform from Duey in 5... 4... 3... pigbarrel: yes this should be super ghouls n' guests *ghuests

The first boss stomps into view... with a single foot. It's a huge zombie snail with a mausoleum for a shell, its swollen eyestalks flashing like crazy barber poles! Every time Bea manages to get a good hit in, it retreats into its 'shell' and spits out partial skeletons, each of them hopping out on one foot just like their master.

pigbarrel: haha wow good. this game is good

"I'll be watching this episode later to appreciate this yucky boy, right now gotta do the fight!" Rancor's extra range is helpful for this battle, fortunately, as she whittles down the boss with jabs.

Finally the snail shrinks into its house for good, and a number of friendly-looking ghosts come to the windows and wave in thanks! They seem to be the original family that inhabited the mausoleum.

A results screen pops up, showing the four players' scores; since Rancor is the only player, he's the top scorer, of course. The big surprise is that he's posed without his helmet... and he has no head at all! The knights are all dead too!

burd_snurglar: wow this is like castle crashers of dark souls games aroseahorseboy: ghosts fighting ghosts to save ghosts, no live people allowed HNV: Makes me wonder if you can even get an "extra life"!

"This could just be the Underworld! And no HNV. You can only earn EXTRA DEATHS"

Round 2 begins with Rancor leaping off a rotted dock and onto the barnacle- encrusted hull of a ghost ship! The eerie light of St. Elmo's fire gleams from every surface as he lances his way through a crowd of skeletal pirates, some of whom fight with skeletal swordfish and sawfish!

"Ahhhh help I can't swim!! Haha, just joking, I'm dead of course!" She's excited to find a room full of treasure chests, but all but one turn out to be huge killer hermit crabs! "Aha! See, the real treasure will be the crabs we met along the way."

The ship itself isn't that big, with only the upper deck full of enemies and the treasure room to explore, but once Bea finishes off the crabs and makes her way to the stern, there's a little bit of platforming action as she jumps from dinghy to haunted dinghy! These lead to a second ghost ship, an even bigger one: it's an ocean liner, with a huge hole in the side and a quartet of dead musicians playing on the deck.

"Oh hell. Actual hell. Or the underworld thing, anywho. I guess we're deader than we thought! Been dead longer."

Baconnaise: I'm glad the ghost of the titanic got work after Ghostbusters 2 DueyDecimal: Maybe you're just armor and not a ghost at all! HNV: The armor from Ghosts N' Goblins got sick of dicking around and decided to leave Arthur behind this time

The string quartet fires bows at Rancor like arrows (how counterintuitive) and wield their instruments like clubs, but are quickly dispatched by the lance. Next comes a wave of drowned zombie tourists in grass skirts, some of whom are so waterlogged that they burst on the first attack, scattering chomping scallops in all directions!

"I might NEED another player! Any dead knights in the chat can lend a hand?" She tries to charge ahead as much as possible, only fighting the ones the game throws in her path. "Hark and buzz off, ye vast fuckin' jerks! Avast n' whatnot"

HNV: Funny but not very relevant: I saw some costumes at the Halloween store that look just like these guys, labeled “Tacky Tourist” and they had big inflatable butts HNV: but the French name underneath was “Touriste américain”

The grueling wave of tacky tourists goes for several screens, taking Rancor through a shuffleboard court, a swimming pool with rotted octopus tentacles whipping around, and a wedding reception where he gets to knock over the barnacle-encrusted cake and a tower of wineglasses, some of which have eyeballs floating in them!

"I feel like I'm fighting my way through Tim Burton's studio here. On that note I do hope there's an evil pumpkin king behind this in a massive twist!" She says as she fight's off the bride's pet zombie shark

pigbarrel: one of those sharks they caught and put bones in

The mid-boss for this ship is not a pumpkin or even a ghost-- it's the iceberg itself, which is home to a very angry frozen mammoth! All it can move are its tusks and trunk, but that's enough to lob icicles and pull more bodies from the ice to roll at Rancor like logs. Once again, the extra range of the lance really helps!

After Bea defeats him, she continues across the iceberg to more dinghies; these ones are floating in the air, and climbing from dinghy to dinghy leads her through a cloud bank to a FLYING ghost ship!

"Is this where Bowser's airships go when they die.." Bea wonders aloud, fighting off winged pirates even as they're being picked at by seagulls!

Glockroach: this is Davey Jones's Cupboard

After just a few steps on the ship, a huge spinning windmill looms into view, and demonic tulips rise from the deck to cackle at the hero.

DueyDecimal: ...The Flying Dutchman. Of course.

This battle must have been crafted with Rancor in mind: the windmill lifts itself up, unfolding like a Transformer, and roars. Don Quixote was right, the windmills really are giants, and this one needs to be tilted at!

"My main issue though, really, is that a windmill is not an undead. As far as we know. Or maybe this one is, I'm not sure of anything?" She blocks the huge swinging fists as the go by, jumping up to attack between the arms.

Glockroach: Honestly the game could end right here and I would be satisfied pigbarrel: when you die, if you are cursed, you may become a windmill.. if you laughed at windmills in your living life

Her charge move is helpful here too, as she can pretty quickly get from one side of the screen to the other as the windmill-bit flails about! Through careful use of special attacks and judicious dodging, Bea manages to hit the monster’s weak spot multiple times, finally causing it to collapse back in on itself. Once again, friendly ghosts appear to thank her, this time emerging through the front door to do a celebratory clog dance!

aroseahorseboy: This is the second time you had to fight a building at the end, it’s like a claustrophobia game

"Tell me if this is too much of a stretch, but it's almost like all the places you'd expect ghosts to be are turning bad? Like, all the haunted houses are turning on their residents. Or haunted windmills, what have you"

HNV: I expected to fight a ghost ship at the end of this one, the windmill was a surprise!

"I just expected a pirate, not all the pirates and the dutch. And now, mummies!"

Syrupentine: Who wants to bet you’re going to actually fight a pyramid at the end of this stage!

"Pyramid boss, after a brief detour to fight the entire terracotta army and some modern day mob guys with cement shoes. Actually I'm shocked they didn't show up when we were underwater!"

DueyDecimal: So how are we for good games vs. bad games so far? Most of the good ones have been sort of just OK until now

"I'm thinking this was a bunch of different developers and one publisher? Maybe even entirely different companies. SOME of them had to care!"

HNV: The bedbugs one and the eggs one were just sort of eh, like you said... Demolition Crew was rad, though aroseahorseboy: yeah what Bea said! i bet a lot of these are ripoffs of actual good games that were sold on their own DueyDecimal: Yeah, I bet this one and the King of the Monsters type one were from the same dev team! They both have good monster graphics

Bea finally gets stuck on a pair of mummified aliens(?!) that are just a bit too unpredictable and quick for her, even if she manages to take one down before the second turns into a mummy-saucer!

HNV: Aliens even now?? It’s turning into Super Mario Land but that’s fine with me!

"Gotta admit, there really seems to be something for everybody!"

aroseahorseboy: thank you, good monster developers, for your buffet of beasts

[joytraveler]

Death Master 2 (concluded)

The trek into the glowing valley begins, a valley seemingly overgrown with organic polyhedral shapes, like crystals but throbbing with juicy flesh. This area seems to teem strangely with life-- John Brown called it "devoid of death", which seems accurate. Even the rocks crack and bleed like snail shells.

"Ewww, most of these are really terrible but there's a few I would want to pluck off and eat. Like this one, ooh yeah gonna cut it down and save it for later!" No enemies have shown up yet, until she destroys one of the "crystals". What are they..?

TaichouSenseiKun: It looks like they didn't finish designing those ButterflyDefect: Let's assume they just look like that, its even creepier :O

When Alonzo breaks one of the crystals, something comes out, that seems to be gasping for breath, but neither Bea nor her guests can fathom what it's supposed to be.

HNV: Rock wombs???

The stoney, un-living thing is difficult to kill, and Bea tries to avoid breaking any more 'rock sacks' for the rest of the stage.. "Did anyone have that colorful sand crystal stuff as a kid that you would grow in water? Know what I mean? It's like they made one of those a stage and said 'Hey how can we make this disturbing cuz that's what we do here at JT industries!!"

john_brown: no lie, my first published work was an article about those for Buzzfeed this is like coming home

There are surprisingly few enemies to fight in the evil valley, and the ones that are there, shambling zombies, only seem to attack if Alonzo attacks first. In fact, they don't do damage on contact, you can walk right by them! But the valley goes deeper and deeper, forming what looks like a natural amphitheater for what can only be the final encounter...

TaichouSenseiKun: Bea power up your thing SugaGlyda: Yeah Bea, don't mess this up! THE WORLD IS WATCHING. no pressure! The_World: We're just observing, Bea. ButterflyDefect: Eee this setting is great, it reminds me of Robert Scarfe a little, his more fleshy stuff DueyDecimal: I was gonna say Andrea Hasler, Butterfly. But him too!

A flash of black, and the purple-cloaked, jester-like figure who kicked you off the mountain is standing before you! Except he's not standing; he seems to be dead. LONG dead, at that-- his bones scatter when Alonzo curiously pokes at the body with his axe.

Alonzo stands and broods, and his thoughts appear in text over him: [WHO KILLED THE LORD OF DEATH?]

Bea grimaces and slowly raises her hand. "Mmmeeee....? maybe? Maybe he died of boredom waiting for me to get here, to which I say a victory is a victory!"

pigbarrel: final battle: press B rapidly to poke corpse

Just when it looks like this is a strange way to end the game-- SLASH! The old bones go flying, and there's the new Lord of Death who threw you from your mountain, spinning your scythe cockily-- except now you can see the interloper better, and it's quite clearly a Lady of Death!

"OH MY GOD, ITS... who is this, did we meet?? Hi The Mistress of Death, can we not fight? It's been a rough level, maybe we can just get to know each other and you can tell me who you're supposed to be??

SugaGlyda: She's clearly your Rule 63 evil rival HNV: Are we supposed to be blown away by a female character? Is this like those old brainteasers like "Mr. Johnson is brother to a famous scientist, but Mr. Johnson has no brother"?

The battle begins, and it's like fighting your shadow! Everything Alonzo can do, she can counter, and you've got a counter for all of her moves too-- you just have to catch it in time. Your weapon isn't as long as her scythe (that she stole from you!), but hers is too long for her, which can trip her up to your advantage!

"Good. Good. Good. BAD! Good.." Bea stays heavily focused as she carefully learns when to strike. She's most vulnerable just after a powerful overhead scythe-smash that momentarily splits the floor! "I feel like Daffy Duck as Robin Hood, thrutht! Parry! Thpin!!"

john_brown: when I watch people play these games I'm always reminded of how literally bad at video games I am you sailed through this game in just a couple hours and I've never won anything harder than Wheel of Fortune

"I don't even feel like I'm that good, I usually just get by on persistence and motivation from sheer annoyance. Sometimes you want to beat a game cause it's fun, sometimes out of spite!"

"Spite for myself, this is still really hard." She dies after making some progress, this could take a few times. "Like, now I've come too far, I have to see Al through this mess in spite of wanting to kick and scream"

pigbarrel: bea is a paragon of maturity

Inch by inch, death after death, Bea is getting better and wearing down the boss, until finally Alonzo lands a blow that knocks the spinning scythe out of the boss's hands and she falls to her knees, defenseless, waiting for the killing strike. It's up to Bea: disarm, or finish it?

SugaGlydah: Can we just give her a noogie and call it even

"Jeez, I don't know guys. What do you think?"

pigbarrel: on the one hand she opposed everything we stood for, on the other she's pretty cool HNV: This is such a loaded question, of course you WANT to spare her, no one’s getting off on executing a disarmed and surrendering opponent Bee52: FINISH HER! Syrupentine: Oh crap, Bea, don’t hesitate, kill her! Remember how the last game ended??

"I don't know if I trust her really, but I'm afraid of what might happen if I... Ohhh, frick it." She chooses to set down her blade. "Maybe she did it cause she had someone she cared about, too.. I'm sorry guys I don't have it in me"

Glockroach: then she just punches al in the dick and runs

Alonzo walks toward the helpless figure, extending a hand of friendship... and just when he's about to take her hand, that's when the scythe she tossed away comes down... on her.

john_brown: oh christ, brutal!

"What even for??" Bea gasps out. Alonzo jumps back but again rushes to her side, though it's too late now.. "Who even were you? My wife? My mother? My father? Christopher Lloyd in a human suit??"

The harlequin mask comes off-- it really was his wife! Even as her body turns black and begins to crumble, she reaches to take his hand. A message box appears.

[IT WAS WORTH IT TO SEE YOU AGAIN... ALONZO]

"H-hey, so I was going to play more games but I'll need a trip down to the crying pit first, methinks"

Baconnaise: Wait I remember we couldn't bring back his family in the first one, right? So..how. Syrupentine: I knew it... you should have killed her, now you can't bring her back... aroseahorseboy: um bea did this game have a name entry screen???

"I didn't see one, I.. oh. Well that's weird as fuck.. I've been calling him that so long I hardly noticed!"

HNV: Super sad Bad End... slightly mitigated by incredible coincidence

"Well I guess I have to get the other ending too, I can't leave it off like that. Maybe we'll come back at the end of the page. Crap.. I feel dirty, anybody else"

john_brown: that was awful and I hate it but I’m still glad I came because these are just so different pigbarrel: they make little sense but in very fun ways aroseahorseboy: IKR? they’re so good except when they’re so awful it’s funny Glockroach: And if that's not to your liking there's always bedbugs DueyDecimal: it really does feel like there’s a message here! Somewhere...

"Maybe just that there are some mistakes you can't undo." Bea lets out a long sigh. "Aaaaaanyway.."