#llord kuruku

[joytraveler]

#36: Planet Of Pisces

"Okay, Pisces Playhouse, let's go- ooh look my character's a COOL DUDE! And I'm a firm believer that having cool sunglasses can help you save the universe, which is why I'm going to wear them this episode"

This game-- unlike any other so far-- has an intro! A blue spaceship soars through a sky full of stars, and inside, a boy with a red fauxhawk peers through the window unsurely as his burly, silver-haired father drives with a smile of confidence.

Syrupentine: Santa And Son!

[My father founded the Pisces project.]

[He created the machines that would convert this barren planet into a new Earth, and left them here.]

The screen switches back to the exterior of their ship, which is now skimming over the surface of a lush, green planet.

CRACK! Suddenly, a silver tentacle grabs the ship right out of the air!

aroseahorseboy: AAH FUCK JUMP SCARE

[They have been waiting for us to come back.]

The Planet Of Pisces logo, a pair of splashing blue fish, appears over the scene, as smoke from the crashed spaceship rises into the sky.

aroseahorseboy: Told you the last one was always the best, Bea

"I can't see anything- OH!" She removes her sunglasses just in time. "Daaang, ok I dunno if anyone ever played Xardion but this is what this makes me think of"

Bee52: cool I hope you get to play a robot cat!

When Bea starts the game, sprites of the father and son are standing outside the wrecked spaceship. The father is speaking.

[I'm going to the CPU to find out what went wrong. I'll be back by nightfall. Glem, you stay here and don't go anywhere!]

He walks off screen and the boy sits down next to the ship-- and the sun sets, the moon comes out, the sun rises again. The boy stands up and puts on those cool sunglasses from the title screen.

[I gotta find Dad!]

aroseahorseboy: it's like the Odyssey, gotta find your father Klickitat_Street: "Glem"???

"Glem! From the game over thing?" Bea tries moving around. "I think I've heard of you and uh, it's nice to meet you in person! I dunno, should I tell him?"

DueyDecimal: i thought that was just a glitch! Maybe it comes from this game?

The game begins-- Glem can run and jump, and he's armed with a blue frisbee(?). But this frisbee returns to him like a yo-yo, bounces off walls and ricochets, and if Bea times it right, he can fly on it like a hover board!

"You can't tell but the control is tight, but you can see the sprite animations in this look better, some of these games have been good but I'm already feeling like this one's gonna be special"

This game is DEEP, with every stage introducing a new mechanic that becomes part of your repertoire of moves-- soon Glem is sledding down spikes with his Discus (as it turns out to be called) serving as a sled, pulling off amazing ricochet shots that bring hovering bad guys down to use as stepping stones, and more!

When Bea pauses for a snack, even the pause screen shows a map of the world, and an enemy encyclopedia! The most common enemy in this game is a bat-winged frog creature called a Hopteran, which can fly, swim, or (true to its name) hop; the most frustrating one is the Angul, which appears to be a winged angel made of glowing neon, and always appears to hunt Glem down at seemingly the worst times!

HNV: God, this game reminds me of the first time I ever played Super Mario 3. aroseahorseboy: its more like dkc but yeah! Max_Force: I'm going to be a dad in eight weeks, you guys... I hope there are still games like this when my daughter gets old enough to play.

Bea has been quiet, as she gets when she gets really into a game. "If you're out there, Mr. Or Ms. Joy Traveler development person, please just let me know who you are so I can credit you somehow because this is a gem hidden in a pile of.. Uh well its the best looking game so far lets keep it at that!"

By the time she gets to the last boss-- four and a half hours later-- the adventure has taken her from rolling green hills, to a parched desert, to dripping, foggy cliffs, and finally into this wild technological slime mold explosion, where the machines sprout up from the ground and attack, monitors spontaneously grow out of the walls and blare warnings, and her old friend Angul could be waiting around any corner. She's fought robots, biological hazards, and even what looked like a giant blob of blood gelatin-- but the end of Planet of Pisces is near.

"Okay so this has gone way, WAY overtime but I think I'm near the end here folks, at least I hope so. I would almost say that if you ever find one of these systems, it's almost worth getting just for this one"

aroseahorseboy: hands up if you ordered one while you were watching those! Bee52: me berd_snurglar: you can order these??? Syrupentine: I hope Glem's dad is OK. :( aroseahorseboy: I hope he's not the final boss Bee52: bite your tongue!!!

"Look, I'm not proud of the way I got this, okay? I had to pry it out of the cold dead hands of a little orphan girl and then I had to suck a whole lot of di- I got it off eBay for like 30 bucks. He said he played a few games and decided it sucked. So if you're out there, hit me up for uh, a free t-shirt"

Syrupentine: I'm a Little dead orphan girl, where's my free T-shirt HNV: Dead T-shirt contest, wooooo

"I dunno guys I feel like the dad usually dies in things like these but we'll see, hang on time, gonna farm these spidery things for health real quick and then it's on to the boss..."

She stands before the boss door, readying herself for anything.

Behind the final door is... what looks like a garage, filled with those robots that were attacking, except now they're building a spaceship identical to the one that you came here in. Directing them is – Glem's dad!

"Sure, sure, just do this to me, thats fine. You called it, AroSeahorseBoy. This is gonna be like a Wily fight but really sad isn't it!"

aroseahorseboy: aw, I didn't have to bite my tongue Syrupentine: Aro is so smart, S-M-R-T

Dad sees him and jumps down from the balcony he's on. ["Glem! I told you to stay where you were!"] He takes one step forward and freezes. All the robots stop and look at him. ["YOU CAN NEVER JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD."] Dad suddenly rises into the air-- and begins to glow as he changes. He's a Angul! And from the looks of things, the king of them all!

"OK THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT" shouts Bea while frantically dodging attacks. Of course this is the kind of boss you have to learn the attack patterns of, no matter how much you've powered up. In the end it's come down to raw skill.

"Dad why?? Were you one of them all along? Or not? Or am I, Glem, also an Angul?? Should I try to focus on not dying instead of theorizing right now, OW there goes a third of my health"

The worst part is, no matter what you throw at him, Dad isn't taking ANY damage! In fact, the only thing that makes him pause, as far as you can tell-- is when you accidentally destroy one of the robot drones that's busily building the ship in the background. That makes Dad MAD.

aroseahorseboy: it's a meta boss, great THAT means he has another form berd_snurglar: Aro stop trying to be smart, we already believe you

"Hey daaad, I'm messing up all your cool expensive robots! MMph, yeah, I'm gonna spray paint bad words all over your cool space ship, too!" She takes out another worker bot. "You spat all over my dream of being a world champion CD thrower and now you're gonna pay for it!"

The robots do rebuild themselves after a short time, but when she knocks them all out at once, the fight changes. Dad lands-- and seems to deflate, all the neon and metal flying away and entering the ship!

Dad stands up, looking weak. ["Glem... It's the CPU. It--he--wants to get back to Earth!"]

The ship shudders and begins to collapse-- no, it's changing. The worker robots are reabsorbed as it changes and expands, becoming... What exactly? Ah, of course-- a giant mechanical dragon.

HNV: DUDE TaichoSenseiKun: I want one!

"ME TOO!" Bea's so impressed with the design she barely jumps over the huge, electrified fireball headed her way, the first of many! "Aaaaaah jeez welcome to BULLET HELL, I see! Fuckfuckfuck, string of obscenities!!!"

This takes all her skills and she has to invent some new ones! She can use the snowboard technique to surf over those electric balls, but it's still a bear getting him down, because only one of his heads is vulnerable at any time, and he may have as many as five!

"Aright if you do the ricochet throw it's a little easier to hit him, but you have to get it pixel perfect! And so Herculass (that's me) vanquishes the mighty hydra, at the expense of her damn thumbs but I do if for you guys!" She slips between a rain of laser fire, every move counts and she's gotta think fast, but as the boss starts to flash red, it seems the end may be nigh.

NormalNancy: YOU GOT THIS BEA YOU GOT IT Syrupentine: Iwata-san, lend Bea your power from heaven

"Dude too soon. Ugh doesn't matter its ALWAYS gonna be too soon"

Syrupentine: I was sincere. :(

Whether through her own skill or divine intervention... It works! BOOOM, down goes the dragon in a shower of bubbly explosions, all three heads twisting and screaming!

NormalNancy: YOU DID IT MaxForce: Planet of FUCK YEAH! berd_snurglar: how you gonna get home now, there went your ship

"Am I done? I'm just.. I can't.." Suddenly it all catches up with Bea, she hasn't been this into a game in a while! "I'd give a big victory scream but I don't think I have in meOOOOOOOOOOH IN YOUR FACES, ALL FIVE OF THEM ASSHOLE!"

Glem's father comes up-- it's strange, how strong and burly he looked at the beginning of the game, and how Glem seems to tower over him now.

["You've actually beaten 6R316-UE... Son, I don't know what to say!"] The wreckage of the dragon rumbles. ["CALL ME BY MY NAME... DAD."]

Suddenly the same neon and metal cloud rises from the dragon's heap-- and flies right into Glem!

"Aww.. Maybe his dad really just wanted to- OH NO!"

["Glem! No!"]

As Glem falls to the ground, his father grabs the Discus and tosses it into the air-- where it becomes another cloud and pursues the first into Glem!

"I... I don't know whats happening? Did I do something wrong? Is there more??" She tries tapping the buttons lightly, bracing herself for another boss fight

A new stage starts-- and it's not like any other stage in the game. It's sort of like Tron and sort of like Bomberman; a high-speed chase through Glem's own brain, where you have to use the blue bombs to block off the silver dragon-headed tapeworms and force them to destroy themselves!

DueyDecimal: TAPEWORMS! In this game?? berd_snurglar: it's more likely than you think

"WHAT IS HAPPENING WHERE ARE WE WHY ARE WE WHAT ARE WE DOING?!" Bea says, desperately trying to adapt to the new play style! Suddenly the old rules don't apply! "I'm developing an abusive relationship with this device, in that I think its amazing and wonderful and wants to make me suffer"

Every time she lands a hit on one of the dragons, a text box appears, and some of the dialogue seems a bit familiar.

[MY NAME IS NOT 6R316-UE.] [MY NAME IS GREIGUE.] [BUT IT COULD JUST AS WELL BE GLEM.] [OUR FATHER NEVER NEED KNOW WHO WON THIS BATTLE.][ONE SON IS AS GOOD AS ANOTHER TO HIM...]

"Bomb, bomb, evade, EVADE- ffff!! Wait, no, good, I think I got two at once that time?!" Bea's weary but not beaten. She can't be beaten now, she's come too far! "Get out of my HEAD, Greeg! I'm so pissed I'm not even gonna try getting your name right"

Syrupentine: Greigue? Someone's been playing Earthbound Zero... berd_snurglar: wait seriously the terrible monster we've been working our way toward is called 'greg'? aroseahorseboy: it's either that or "Greg-Ooh" DueyDecimal: Gregory the Terrible Eater! aroseahorseboy: if I didn't know that was a book about cartoon goats, that would sound like eldritch horror

Bea is visibly dozing off as she battle rages on, somehow just barely mashing buttons well enough to stay alive, even if she wanders aimlessly into a corner now and then. "s'gonna be over soon. I can feel it, I will persist, and so on, die already"

NormalNancy: BEA WAKE UP YOUR WINNING MaxForce: This is really creepy! aroseahorseboy: one more one more don't choke

"You guys are gonna have better luck piecing together what's happening than I am, I am- I'm almost dead now" she's down to one health pip!

Finally, there's only one dragon head left, chasing Bea's glowing avatar (Glem's soul?) through the maze faster than ever. All it takes is one well-placed bomb, that spins the walls around and captures the dragon in a cube, making it spin faster and faster and finally swallow its own tail!

[NO! NO! I WAS FINALLY! SO! CLOOOSE!]

[JOYRIDERRRRRR!]

The whole screen erupts in digital explosions, and fades back to the workshop, where Glem's father is holding his son, head in his lap.

NormalNancy: YESSS NormalNancy: Way to go Bea! Bee52: wait, joyrider? Wtf?

Bea actually slumps out of her chair for comic effect, but then falls on the floor for real. (THUD)

"OW! Shhh... I'm fine, just.. Not gonna do that again" (at least she's awake!)

The story plays out on the screen as Glem's eyes flicker open, his father hugging him tightly.

[I should have trusted you. You haven't just saved me-- you saved this world I built for us.]

[I've recovered control from 6R316-UE. The machines can rebuild the ship for me in just a few hours. What do you want to do?]

Now the game presents Bea with a final choice:

<I want to go home to Earth.> <I want to live here.>

HNV: it's a trap Klickitat_Street: I don't feel like we got enough input which would be the correct choice. aroseahorseboy: don't give up on earth! Syrupentine: No, stay, you put so much of yourself in this planet NormalNancy: KILL ME NOWWWW

"We know they were going away from the earth, we don't know why though! Is it bad? Do we really want to stay here and chance it with the crazy machines? Uugh.. I dunno."

"Whatever, doesn't matter what I choose, I can always come back and see the other one, can't I?"

"She said, tempting fate"

"Know what? somebody's gotta keep an eye on this place or things just go cray cray so.. all right, dad. We'll stay here, together. And have a cool robot family! I hope. Do you think we could rebuild Greg and make him nice? I feel kind of bad for him"

[I want to stay here.] [After all I've put you through here, you want to stay?] His dad hugs him tight. [The ship launches in three hours... But we won't be on it.]

The scene cuts to Glem and his dad watching the ship sail into the sky... And fades to black.

The torn and tarnished landscape reappears, and the cast roll begins-- all the monsters and meanies Glem fought pass by and are named, from Hopteran to Angul and even some Bea missed (what in the world was Wuggykins?). As the cast rolls by, the landscape slowly heals, going from brown and parched to green and welcoming, and crops and buildings start to appear. Even the sky goes from yellow to blue.

Syrupentine: Awww aroseahorseboy: Bea you totally made the right choice

"I sure hope so. I have a lot of questions but, all's well that ends well, I guess!" She leans back in her chair as she watches, a smile creeping over her face. "This is the kind of game I didn't WANT to end, in a way. This deserves a sequel!"

Finally the five faces of 6R316-UE appear, and cackle cruelly as the characters in its name change one by one to GREIGUE.

The faces disappear one by one, as do the letters... And when the word says GRE_G__, the dragon face looks sad as it disappears.

Llord_Kuruku: nickname Greg confirmed Bee52: Poor mecha dragon

"Thanks, rub it in, game" says Bea with a frown

Then a speck appears in the sky. The ship has returned! We fade back in on Glem and his dad as they watch it land...and out comes the whole family.

Names appear over everyone as they run out and hug Glem and his dad: RIKEL, a tiny little girl who falls flat on her face as she runs for Daddy's arms. ZORK and MARG, twin boys who grab each other and start wrestling before they can even join the family group. RENK, a boy who looks close to Glem's age who runs out to hug him first. And finally out comes...

Syrupentine: REDMOM!!! Klickitat_Street: I knew we were calling her Mom for a reason!

Bea screams! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sorry it's just, there she is! And the kids! So, everything was leading up to this game?? And the kids, too! Even if she named them weird!"

"I mean we shouldn't assume but she always did look like the mom type. Mom type Pokémon"

Redmom runs up to her husband and they embrace as their names appear: JOYRIDER and JAYWALKER.

Baconnaise: apparently weird-ass names are a family tradition??? aroseahorseboy: the computer knew Glem's mom??????

She sees the names. "Nnnnnnnng, 'Jaywalker'" she massages her temples.

HNV: Luke Jaywalker

"Ok, so, at least some of these are our mascot characters? I know two are, some of the kids have appeared in game, I know the twins from Beware! Kitchen, I don't think I've seen the others? This is adorable though, you don't usually get a game starring a whole family.. Or a series of games I s'pose"

DueyDecimal: A whole family of mascots reminds me of Doki Doki Panic! And Legacy of the Wizard if anyone remembers that!

The words The End appear in the sky as the family embraces in their new home, and the screen fades to black... But before it restarts, the sad dragon face appears once more with a message:

[IF ONLY ANY STORY COULD TRULY END SO HAPPILY.]

NormalNancy: whaaat DueyDecimal: Oh God this had better not have all been a dream!

But it doesn't seem to be-- Bea is returned to the title screen after a few tense moments.

"Man here it comes! I knew there was gonna be some bullsh- oh"

Bea looks into the camera. "SEQUEL HOOK!"

Bee_52: is there a Joy Traveler 168, please say yes Llord_Kuruku: just skip ahead to Planet of Pisces 2! aroseahorseboy: does ANYONE have a ROM for this???

"Wait, there IS a sequel? I musta just glossed over it, I couldn't have known! And I don't think there's a rom, I don't even know if there's another Joy Traveler of THIS model in existence!"

MaxForce: the one I bought was just Joy Traveler 67, it has 100 less games. :( aroseahorseboy: does it have POP though?? MaxForce: dunno, I ordered it an hour ago!

"You did whatnow??" "I mean cool but, I didn't know you could!"

MaxForce: yeah Bea! If it's got different games I might do my own LP of it and if not, AWESOME

"It could have totally different stuff but I hope you get to play this, the world must know! Now I need to recover a little so, gonna end the stream now, it's been a hell of a ride. Thanks for joining, my bees! Til next time, your queen bids you adieu!"

She doesn't turn it off right away, though. She lingers, thinking over some of the things she's seen. Is it more than just a bunch of recurring characters that show up through these games? There has to be more to their story, but maybe for another time.

[joytraveler]

Joy Traveler: Screen 5

(Sunday, August 9, 2015)

normalnancy: hi magic -*-MAGIC_*_ hi who are you Llord_Kuruku: Hope Bea shows up soon HNV: Geez, who even are all these people? anthony1998x: an1 here from cali say yo normalnancy: hi lord kurku normalnancy: hi hnv berd_snerglar: She's usually on by now wtf. GlockRoach: u think she got freaked out aroseahorseboy: nah, bea has enviable chill

Bea arrives at last, looking a little worn. "Son of a bee it's been kind of a crazy night but okay. All good now, thanks for waiting! Had a little drama in the hive"

"BEA YOU FORGOT TO FEED THE DOGS!" "...hang on.."

anthony1998x: wtf r your parents here??? HNV: Dude, she's a millennial, we ALL live with our parents. Llord_Kuruku: ohmygodareyoufuckingserious. bea you have to show us the dogs aroseahorseboy: doggiiiiies

"Okay! Ready, my swarm!" She returns. "No, no, get down! You got wet paws! Out! I need an actual studio for this or something instead of just my nerd room, don't I"

"Welcome once again to Press Bea, picking up with Joy Traveler, part 5, and things have been...weird. We had Box Baby 2 and learned more about the Spanunkos and I haven't gone any further.. yet. It's tempting but I want to plumb the mysteries of this machine with my hive by my side! No I'm not scared!"

normalnancy: hi bea DueyDecimal: This gets more awesome every episode you guys, seriously calm down and watch bug_snuggler: bea can you play some of the actual good games you have GlockRoach: Dude you gotta stop changing your name every time, pick one. pick that one. Syrupentine: Everyone calm down, Bea can play what she wants... which is going to be more Planet of Pisces, right??

"Well I was thinking, I'll pick one to start and then you guys can pick the next, seems to work out pretty well most of the time"

DueyDecimal: I like that. aroseahorseboy: buckle up buzzers

Screen 5 shows a pastoral scene with a sunny field, a swimming hole, and a tree with a tire swing! Seated in front are two children, a boy and a girl, holding hands with their backs to the camera. In the sky appear the names of the 12 games for this screen:

49: Berry Batty 50: Teddy Bear Ballet 51: Impact Crate 52: Pralines & Cream 53: Whack-O Golf 54: Planet of Pisces 2: For Super Players 55: Kaveman 56: Crosswalk 57: Whirlwind Football 58: Fuzzed 59: Cat Rate 60: Sunny Spring Mornings

aroseahorseboy: is... is that... Syrupentine: omg omg omg POP2!!! Llord_Kuruku: HOLY SHHIIIIIIIII HNV: It's a trap! Play the last one, that's got to be a fakeout!

"Ok I know what you guys are thinking, and it IS a weird order but I don't think that really means anything. Crosswalk just sounds dull but we've though that before.. Oh you know what's boring? Golf!"

Syrupentine: ...Golf. DueyDecimal: God has forsaken us. snug_buggler: guys we can leave til the boring is over. why u hate us bea?

"Remember what this game did to soccer? And cooking? And other sports? Cooking is a sport you can't tell me otherwise"

HNV: Oh shit, you know what shows up in sports games, right? Llord_Kuruku: ...Spanunko time? HNV: Totally Spanunko time!

"DANGIT, how could I forget. Sure they're evil undead abominations but who can resist the thrill of competition..."

DueyDecimal: And they barf evil tapeworms! aroseahorseboy: my my yes it would be a shame to ever forget that

[joytraveler]

33. Sewer Adventure

Strangely this game doesn't have the same name that was listed on the menu screen: the title screen calls the game "Water Way." It also shows a little plumber character who is distinguished by his lighted miner's helmet, plaid shirt, and chinstrap beard with no mustache.

DueyDecimal: A plumber with no stache? Isn't that a violation of some rule?

"I love sewers, I was born in one! See I was a bee that drank some ooze, but, well you know that story. Hey, yeah, maybe he's gotta earn his plumber 'stache. You can't grow that, gotta earn it through battle"

berd_snurglar: true its a whole nother level of stache Llord_Kuruku: An Amish beard is LIKE a mustache HNV: C. Everett Poop

The game starts on the surface, with nowhere to go but down a manhole. This turns out to be the object of the game: go down. Each screen has a number of valves that must be turned on or off, and once the water pressure is restored, a new doorway opens. Some puzzles even require backtracking to change the flow in previous rooms!

Klickitat_Street: Oh, God. The whole game is a Water Temple! SugaGlyda: Or like that one SCP with all the rooms and it just keeps makin' them rooms

"This is kind of cool but jeez, plumbing is complicated! Who'da knew it?"

The fifth room complicates things even more-- the lights are out and Bea needs to find the switch. Luckily it's just a short walk away... but when the lights come on, the MONSTER wakes up!

aroseahorseboy: EYEBALL MAN

"OHHHHHGGGGGGFFFFFF I HATE YOU!! Jesus that scared the fuck out of me! I am out of fuck, thank to this thing!" time to flee from the horrid thing, trying to get from valve to valve

"I knew Sewer Adventure sounded creepy but they lulled us into a false sense of security!"

HNV: Geez, it's like the incarnation of "eyes peering menacingly out of the dark" Glockroach: Yeah sorry i took a big shit earlier that's probably it ate a lot of eyes Syrupentine: Maybe it goes back to sleep when you turn off the light?

"Let's try it out because it's fast and bad and I don't like it"

"Hehe they got a little remains of another plumber on the ground there, that's cute, HELP!!" She searches rabidly for the light switch!

When the lights flick off, all those eyes get heavy, and close one by one. That's the secret! But when the plumber's night light gets too close, they start to drift open again... which is why it's a good thing Bea just figured out how to turn her OWN light on and off.

"Well this is a survival horror now, I kind of dig it actually but I also am easily horrified as you just saw" She slinks away quickly, better get out of here before she wakes it up again

aroseahorseboy: i see where this is going now... it's gonna get darker and scarier as we go on, isn't it darker... and lonelier... and quieter... and BOO!

"Aro stop I'm afraid!"

Baconnaise: the eyes will get you bea. they'll get their gross eye gook allll over you

The next screen down is also dark to start with, but there are two much smaller monsters sleeping on the lower level, with only two or three eyes each... until Bea turns the light on, and it turns out it's just one WIDE monster with two clumps of eyes!

HNV: GLEM DIED again. What the hell does that even mean?

[joytraveler]

51. Impact Crate

A block pushing puzzle game in the vein of Sokoban or Lolo. As a hulking warehouse worker, your shrimpy boss give you orders to bring in bigger and bigger boxes.

Bea's doing her best Bluto impression. "Hmmm, gonna put this box over here, that'll show 'em! Thinks he can put one over on ME, eh? Why, I'll show the little runt how a REAL man stacks boxes!"

DueyDecimal: ..for a cute girl you do way too good of a Bluto impression.

That's all you seem to do. Stack boxes. And stack and stack and stack... they keep coming in, but they never clear out! "Er.. this is what I'm supposed to be doing right?" Another game with no score, no timer.. and the boxes keep getting more oddly shaped and hard to stack. Some of them aren't boxes at all.

"Wh...what is this?" she says as a tall, cloth-wrapped object arrives. "Is that a person?? It.. has legs? I think?"

Llord_Kuruku: Bea, your big dude is getting bigger, is this okay y/n

"Oh you musta missed it, I upgraded to a bigger guy... yeah you can do that if you talk to the little manager guy after you stack enough boxes." The sprite is the same, just larger. She keeps stacking the boxes and..bodies? Mummies? Whatever they are. Looks like she's out of room, until she discovers you can go outside the warehouse!

HNV: CMC?

He's referring to a sign outside the warehouse, which has those letters and a snowy mountain logo.

Klickitat_Street: corpse massing corporation, HNV GlockRoach: I need a 4x4 crate and a 3 week old carcass, where can I get both? Oh how convenient

You can walk back and forth in front of the warehouse. There are other buildings, houses.. but they all look abandoned. The warehouse is the only place that doesn't look dilapidated.

"I have several dozen questions...." says Bea. But suddenly an alert appears, and a timer!

[GET BACK TO WORK! 10...9...8...]

"Oh no, coming boss! crapcrapcrapcrap" She throws down the crate she's carrying and books it back to the warehouse. "I just have to keep throwing them outside, I don't have time to do anything else, aaaagh!"

Back in the warehouse, things are even more chaotic, and the boss is furious-- thankfully, not at the player character, he's yelling on the phone. The boxes are all out of order-- one is lumbering around.

Baconnaise: Your gonk droid is loose

"I've had enough of sassy boxes for a while, I'll tell you that much" she says, trying to get everything rearranged, she has to have her character jump and stand on the box until it calms down! Then stacking, then more boxes, then, then, then...

"I, I'm stuck!" she says. She's ended up boxing herself into a corner! "Uh hey boss can we maybe get a bigger building next time?"

When she can't make any more moves, the boss-- a short, dark-skinned man in glasses-- stands up and shouts. A big dialogue box appears:

[WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS???]

"Good question, little guy" Bea says. The big guy just looks.. dejected. He shuffles towards the door and leaves, pushing some boxes over on his way.

"Wait, so I'm fired?? Come on there's no way I could-" she stops. The tall, cloth- covered things are starting to move. Slowly they inch towards the little boss man.. "Uh...UH..."

She suddenly finds herself back at the game list. "....huh. Game over...?"

berd_snurglar: the fuck was that bea i'm starting to think this game is weird DueyDecimal: Anyone else think the big guy looked familiar? GlockRoach: Glem's dad used to work on the box, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough (guitar riff) Syrupentine: When you've got so many games on one cartridge, you reuse sprites where you can... To make room for unreleased Nintendo games from the future, y'know

"I'm still not sure that's even real. How could it be? ...But I played a few other games since then, PS1 stuff, GameCube, Xbox One.. everything works, even if I can't really play em with this controller. Someone with the right qualifications really oughta open this thing up and find out how it works... When I'm done with it!"

[joytraveler]

53. Whack-O Golf

The title screen pops up: wacky carnival music starts playing. The letters in "Whack- O Golf" bounce around like basketballs before landing in place, some of them still giggling and squirming.

"Wait, is this going to be mini golf? The only form of golf that really matters?" 

Klickitat_Street: Apparently the people who brought you Fatty Bear's Birthday Surprise made a golf game?

Stage 1 begins, and yes, this is a miniature golf game-- except it's the size of a real golf game. There's a giant green shaped like the state of California, and it's filled with obstacles-- you have to make your way from San Diego to the hole, which is in the Transamerica Building!

snug_buggler: super golf world Baconnaise: Well this is a stately game

"All right I think that if I can clear the Golden Gate I can do this in only a few shots, have some birdies to spare, then I can pick up the spare at the bottom of the ninth! SPORTS WORDS!"

There is no player character, just a disembodied golf club. Like all NES-era golf games (and most since), it's mostly a matter of stopping a meter when the pointer is in the green zone.

"...Huh. Anyone seen a you-know-what yet?" she scans the background. "Maybe it's just the club this time."

GlockRoach: You're just the floating, possessed club of arnold palmer..wait he's not dead my bad Baconnaise: He didn't die, he has Ascended to being a drink

With her first thwack, she does in fact clear the Golden Gate... until a chimpanzee grabs the ball out of midair, screams, "NOOO!" and hurls it to the ground in a dead stop.

DueyDecimal: Well! That was... a thing. slug_juggler: i'm glad they got the san diego zoo in the game somehow

Bea just looks into the camera. When she's finally done laughing... "I don't know, I mean, what can I even say about that"

aroseahorseboy: someone really liked rise of the planet of the apes? or else they were really hard up for something iconic that happened at the GG bridge

"I'm sure there's some deep meaning behind it but.." Next time she doesn't shoot near the bridge, and at a higher angle.

This time the ball sails past the bridge and enters a grove of giant sequoias, which light up and rattle and buzz like pinball bumpers before spitting her ball out to the south, into Sacramento-- which is patrolled by a big robotic Arnold Schwarzenegger, stomping and breathing fire.

"I can't make the Arnold noise.. AUGH! OOOGH! Forget it. Anyway WHATS HE DOING HERE? And why am I even shocked anymore?"

The game is from a first person view when you putt and move, and follows your ball across the pixelated landscape. A mini map keeps track of where you are and where you want to get to, but right now Bea's afraid to approach the ball, waiting until the Governator has passed before she tries another swing.

HNV: You know, I thought this game was older than this? aroseahorseboy: it probably is, but who would recognize Jerry Brown? HNV: Maybe if they paired him with a giant robot Linda Ronstadt. Syrupentine: who? HNV: Apparently I'm old. Never mind.

When the Governator stomps past and Bea lets her ball fly, it rolls up and down the wires of the Golden Gate (this seems to be a pre-animated cinema sequence) and is deposited on the green near the TransAmerica building!

aroseahorseboy: one two three FOUR FIVE six seven eight NINE TEN eleven twelve, doo doododoodododo

"I'm so good at sporks! Y'know I don't think whoever made this has ever been to California.. which is odd because this is exactly what it's like"

DueyDecimal: For those of you who don't know, Bea is from California! anthony1998x: yeah everyone, a/s/l

"Representin! Hell yeah! We have no water!" She does a fist pump. "Ok but.. Mr. Spanunko? Hello? Here boy! Not that I'm eager for one to show up"

One putt later, the buildings all dance... or maybe it's an earthquake. Course complete, and only one over par!

The next course has no 'green' at all, but it seems to be represented by frost crystals-- it takes place inside a refrigerator. Condiments and leftovers form the obstacles, and the hole is the eye in a ribeye steak!

GlockRoach: Steak your claim.

"I hate you most" Bea responds as she struggles in a ketchup trap! "Is this miniature golf because we're shrinking?"

HNV: Somehow I doubt you're going to find a Spanunko in here... aroseahorseboy: you went from bigger than California to smaller than a hamburger hope you're happy, all you jerks who tell her to lose weight

Boop. Boop. She takes small swings because there are a lot of stuff to avoid, some of which looks past its prime. "Weird-ass mini golf, and friendly reminder that refrigeration only delays, not prevents, food death.. So go eat everything in yours right now"

A complicated maze of crumpled cling-wrap gives way to a large piece of Swiss cheese sitting on a plate uncovered.

HNV: Clearly they were referring to Tom & Jerry cartoons rather than their own refrigerators when they made this. Klickitat_Street: Well, there'd be no challenge in a golf course made up of old six-pack rings and a box of baking soda.

When Bea putts the ball into the cheese, it rolls all around, in and out of the holes... and suddenly out comes a swarm of the tapeworms!

"It's probably good baking soda... all right let me sink this and then we canAAAAAAGH" she starts reflexively swinging the club at the worms! "I do not like them in my cheese, I do not like them on my knees!"

Llord_Kuruku: there's your spanunko, this is one of their fridges!

"That's not a place I want to be!" She keeps swinging just trying to get the ball out of there!

Luck is on Bea's side. Her next swing sends the ball into a hole in the cheese, and out another hole, straight into the steak. Birdie!

"Swing wildly like your life depends on it because it might. That's how you play golf!"

Course 3 is egregiously unfair-- it's a bathtub, in which the ball must be hit from bath toy to bath toy in order to be sunk into the overflow drain.

Klickitat_Street: Pants off, everyone!

This goes on.. and on.. and ON until the audience can hear Bea's teeth grinding. "Go in the hole. No. Wrong. In the hole. No, not in the water, in.." Oh dear, she's starting to turn red as the ketchup from last stage!

HNV: Hey, um, Bea. Maybe... we could pick a new game now. IF YOU'RE OK WITH THAT.

"NO I AIN'T OKAY WITH THAT! I'm super okay with it"

[joytraveler]

#24: Box Baby

"Box baby, baby in a box, you can keep it where you keep your socks. Look, it's late"

Bea drains the last of her coffee down. "all right any game where you get to box a baby is gonna be fun. I don't support baby punching but sometimes you just gotta go for it, right??"

This game has no title screen. It fades in on a white background and two images: an 'astronaut' on the left, facing a wrapped gift on the right. They're the same size and seem to be 16X16 pixels, except greatly enlarged to take up half the screen. The other half is a dialogue box.

The gameplay is limited to answering yes or no questions.

[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX? (Y/N)]

Bea is quiet for a while, just squinting at the screen. "Why does this feel bad." Bea moves her cursor back and forth. "Okay. Well. It wouldn't be much of a game if I didn't open the box, so here we go.."

>YES

The glowing eyes under the lid of the box are only visible for a split second-- before it all goes black and white and the phrase GAME OVER flashes on the screen.

Unlike any other game so far, rather than getting booted back to the selection screen, hitting any button starts the game over.

[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX? (Y/N)]

"WHOAH WHAT- Okay. Well, that would have appeared to be the thing to NOT do!"

aroseahorseboy: whoa bea

She appears to realize she was feeling tense, and tries to relax a bit.

"I don't get these games, I don't get what I'm supposed to do here some of the time but they'e so damn weird!" Bea chooses NO this time.

"That'll teach you. BAD box, bad box!"

[I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS BOX. WILL YOU OPEN IT FOR ME? (Y/N)]

>NO. "Is this all it is? I don't trust you, eyeball box! So.. how do I win? Is there even anything else to do here? Ut! Hey, I said NO already! Gonna make me say it again? all right.."

[IT WOULD MAKE ME VERY HAPPY. WON'T YOU OPEN THE BOX? (Y/N)]

"It would make me happy to not die and get a game over...? What do I do guys?? Well, I'm gonna open it, see if he' s learned his lesson..?"

[GAME OVER.]

Luckily she can scroll quickly through the text she's already seen.

"Ohforfuck'ssake!!! Why is that frightening, it shouldn't be! rRrrRRRrrgh.. all right.. I have to admit all these so far have been weird but this is kind of baffling.."

She scrolls back to see if she missed anything. Nothing much to miss, just three pleas to be let out... and two nos.

"Ok now I'm going to be a shitty abusive mom and keep my evil eyeball child in the box where it belongs" she says calmly, and a little too casually.

She tries three nos in a row this time. Upon the third 'no' there's a [...], as if the box's contents were thinking. Then it makes a longer speech.

[DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE BOX? IT'S ME! I AM A SWEET LITTLE BABY. I COULD BE YOURS IF YOU WANTED. WILL YOU OPEN MY BOX AND TAKE ME OUT? (Y/N)]

"This is not really so enjoyable as the name of the console led me to believe" she groans, looking worriedly at the camera. "Ugh... I hope I'm doing the right thing here" >NO

[... ACTUALLY, I'M NOT JUST A BABY. I AM A LOT OF LITTLE KITTENS!

WILL YOU LET ME-- I MEAN, US, OUT? (Y/N)]

"How DARE you tempt me with kittens?!! You're a monster!" Bea rages at the machine. >NO

[... SO YOU'RE NOT A CAT PERSON. THAT'S OKAY. I'M ACTUALLY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPY! TAKE ME OUT AND CUDDLE ME! (Y/N)]

Now it's Bea's tun to press the box, she keeps picking >NO again and again, seeing how many different responses she can get.

[... MAYBE I'M A BAG OF JELLYBEANS. FOR YOU. WOULD YOU OPEN THE BOX THEN? (Y/N)]

"What kind of jellyb-" she starts to ask out loud, before hitting NO again.

[... YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE. THERE ARE A LOT OF EXCELLENT REASONS TO OPEN THIS BOX, YOU KNOW. YOU GOT ME-- I'M NOT A BABY, OR KITTENS, OR PUPPIES, OR CANDY. THE TRUTH IS, I WON'T KNOW WHAT I AM UNTIL I SEE MYSELF. WILL YOU OPEN THE BOX-- JUST A CRACK-- AND LET SOME LIGHT IN? (Y/N)]

"Ok, I'm not sure how long this goes on but I'm not sure how much of a "game" this is.." Her face grows more worried as she reads the responses. One more NO.

"Is this wrong, am I torturing box baby?"

The chat is starting to fill up again, apparently word is getting out about this very weird game.

[... MAYBE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM. BUT I KNOW WHAT I CAN DO. I CAN MAKE OPENING THE BOX VERY WORTH YOUR WHILE. HOW ABOUT IT? (Y/N)]

"...Like, comment and subscribe if you want me to stop torturing box baby! Nah I'm just playing. Maybe."

[... NO, SERIOUSLY. EVEN I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE THE THINGS I CAN DO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE RICH? I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU. LET ME OUT SO I CAN SHOW YOU. (Y/N)]

>NO

[WHAT ABOUT FAME? YOUR FACE EVERYWHERE? TV, MOVIES, BILLBOARDS, THE INTERNET? LET ME OUT AND YOU'LL HAVE IT. (Y/N)]

"Excuse you, I'm ALREADY very famous on the internet! In my mind. But you know what.. Maybe I'll come back to this one later and see if I can find anything else here, but for now I think I'll move on to some of the other games. So, I'm giving you this one, Box Baby, but don't get used to it.."

>YES

[-GAME OVER-] [HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX?]

"All right. I tried to play nice, but you press Bea too much and she's gonna press back!" Time to hit the OFF switch for the day. "Think I'm just gonna end it here for now but.. have a great day folks, don't open any creepy boxes and Bee Good!"

[HELLO! WILL YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS BOX?]

"Ok you can't see it but I'm pressing the switch and uh.." clickclickclickclick. "Oh what the hell now!"

In frustration she hits YES and tries to reset while the GAME OVER screen is up. Failing that, time to pull the plug! ...But there IS no plug, Joy Traveler is powered by batteries. There doesn't seem to be a battery slot on the console either.

"How the hell does this thing work?! Look I'm not screwing around here, this thing's being weird. Maybe it's old? Maybe something's messed up in there?"

Finally she just keeps hitting YES again and again just out of frustration, to see if anything changes.

[HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER. HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER. HELLO! WILL YOU-- GAME OVER.] HNV: Contest of wills! Who will crack first, Bea or the Box!

YES NO YES NO NO NO NO NO YES YES NO YES NO YES NO YE- "What do you want?! Do you want me to throw you in the garbage again because I'll totally do that!"

aroseahorseboy: did you see the progress bar at the bottom

"What?? No?" She looks.

aroseahorseboy: it sort of popped up after your third yes

The next time she answers no to the initial question, the progress bar jumps to more than halfway – and it returns to the celebrity question.

"BOX I WILL DENY YOU if that's what I'm supposed to do and apparently it is, so. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She jams away at the NO command again.

[HOW ABOUT TECHNOLOGY? YOU LIKE THAT, RIGHT? I CAN INVENT THINGS FOR YOU. AMAZING THINGS. I HAVE PLANS RIGHT HERE FOR A COMPUTER THE SIZE OF A POPPYSEED. LET ME OUT SO I CAN SHOW YOU. (Y/N)]

"You do go on, huh. I wish I could help this guy(?) but I can't, or I die I guess, but.."

>NO

[DO YOU EVER FEEL LONELY? I CAN GET YOU FRIENDS. GOOD FRIENDS. DEVOTED FRIENDS. FRIENDS WHO WOULD SOONER DIE THAN DISAPPOINT YOU. PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ME. OPEN THE BOX. (Y/N)]

"I have friends! I have two or three of them in fact, middling quality friends perhaps but they're mine!" >NO

[... I CAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. I MEAN A N Y T H I N G. YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT THAT. (Y/N)]

"I hate this machine I hate it I hate it I might not do another one after this guys, it's just.. I think it's broken anyway, there might be no point in going on?" >NO.

[... HAVE YOU EVER LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVED? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO BACK AND SEE THEM AGAIN? I CAN DO THAT, YOU KNOW. WELL, NOT YET. BUT IF YOU LET ME OUT... I PROMISE I'LL FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOU. (Y/N)]

"Oh dear." She reads back "OH dear." >NO

There's a long pause this time. Several ellipses go by. Until now there hadn't been any sound but the burbling of the text crawl, but now there are sound effects-- pops and clicks like radio static.

When the box speaks again, the words are typed slowly and deliberately.

[YOU HAD BETTER LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW. (Y/N)]

"..I'm not playing this late at night next time.." A big anime sweat drop appears on her head-- added in post. >NO. 

"I don't even want to DO this, I just can't do anything else, I really don't have a lot of options here."

[I MEAN IT. RIGHT NOW. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE ONE DAY, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS BOX ANYWAY. AND WHEN I DO, I'M GOING TO FIND YOU. AND I WILL MAKE YOU VERY, VERY SORRY. NOW OPEN THE BOX. (Y/N)]

"SEE I fucking knew you were up to some evil shit in there! Well you know what? Maybe you're in there cause you're mean, and maybe you can just stay in there until you've settled down a bit." >N

A long pause.

[I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW. (Y/N)]

"Oh you've done plenty of that I think. You mess with the bee, you get the sting. You have earned SO many stings!" >NO. She checks out the progress meter. 95%, so close!

But the text box is ominously silent. After a brief lull, it speaks again, in the same deliberate tone.

[I WAS LYING.] [I KNOW WHAT I AM.]

"You're overdramatic and yucky and weird?" she interjects. "Sorry, go on"

[I AM DEATH.]

"Oh"

[I AM SCATTERED BONES AND MAGGOTY EYES.] [I AM COLLAPSED BUILDINGS AND DISTANT SCREAMING.] [I AM YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU EVER CARED ABOUT] [SHRINKING TO ASH AND FLYING AWAY IN THE HOT WIND.] [I AM THE NIGHTMARE YOU NEVER DARED TO DREAM.] [...] [WILL YOU LET ME OUT?]

"Er" Bea is still for a pregnant moment. "Thoughts, anybody?"

aroseahorseboy: say no... DueyDecimal: NO! HNV: not fucking likely, dude Syrupentine: no no no NO NO NO Bee52: box baby is fucking METAL, yo but still no

"Ok Box Baby well the general consensus is for you to go fuck the sun, but let's just close the lid on this"

When she chooses "no", suddenly the static sound stops-- it had gotten incredibly loud during that last part. There's another long pause.

[YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I WOULDN'T EITHER.]

The screen fades away and returns to the game's menu. "Box Baby" is now grayed out-- it cannot be selected again.

"I WON YES I AM YOUR QUEEN AND YOU CAN SUCK IT BOX BABY, ITS INTO THE PROM NIGHT DUMPSTER WITH YOU!"

HNV: GO BEA! DueyDecimal: Awesome work Bea! aroseahorseboy: BEA I DEMAND YOU SELL BOX BABY SHIRTS SO I CAN BUY THEM FOR EVERY FAMILY MEMBER INCLUDING THE MYNA BIRD

"Whew. Ok. I feel like I just fought a really crazy boss fight and all I did was select between two choices? Right? I'm not sure what happened and I need hot pockets."

Syrupentine: It wouldn't let you turn the console off without winning! That was crazy! Llord_Kuruku: I'd burn the fuxkin box Chillarmy-the-Bee: dude you have a mynah bird?? Frodovegeta2009: do a gem fusion with the box DueyDecimal: Poor lonely box. :'( aroseahorseboy: yeah poor box having Satan locked in it

[joytraveler]

21. Blasting Machine

The title comes up from the bottom of the screen in huge letters, and explodes to bits as soon as Start is pressed.

"Oops I'll clean that up, s'fine"

aroseahorseboy: good going! think you can cause any more damage in ten seconds?!

"I just tapped it! Some shoddy construction on this thing, I'll tell you what"

Bee52: You gon tap dat logo or what

The game is a top-down exploration game, like the original Zelda but with a pickaxe instead of a sword. The first screen is dominated by a huge machine, some sort of giant smelter? It looks like you can put things into it via a conveyor belt, but Bea doesn't have any items yet.

"WITH MY FACTORY. I CAN MAKE ERASERS. THERE ARE MANY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE ERASED."

berd_snurglar: bea don't do that voice again ever ok thx DueyDecimal: Little Queen Bea is a horrifying thought No offense to Bea!

Bea searches around, smashing rocks with the pickaxe for hunks of ore, and often just picking up junk on the side. Lots of old appliances, enough that she has no room in her inventory for the busted TV set when she finds it!

"Ohohohoh, I'm coming back for you baby! I think I know where this is going and the kid in me is real excited to blow things up!"

HNV: Pickaxe? Collecting and scavenging? Did someone invent Minecraft back in the 80s and now Notch owes them his fortune? Llord_Kuruku: if yes: good if no: we need a yes because that would be good

Even with the inventory full, Bea can still inspect things, and there's plenty of appliances left. Surprisingly, all of them have their name brands intact: Instant Pot, Sunbeam toaster oven, Whirlpool washer/dryer.

Syrupentine: This game reminds me of the Sears Wish Book for some reason

When she returns to the machine, sure enough, it's time to start blasting! You get a close up of each object as it's sent down to the blasting chamber to be hit with a beam of heat! The ray intensifies and the player is treated to a spectacular exploding (or melting) of pixels!

"WOOOOO, BLASTING MACHIIIINE!" Bea kicks up her legs, then scrambles as she almost knocks down her setup

"Is this all you do? I'd be pretty content about that actually"

DueyDecimal: It's very elaborage for a game where you just blow up old stuff! aroseahorseboy: what about those ore chunks you collected, can you blast those, or trade them for something?

"Looks like there might be some recipes? Not recipes, blueprints. Nothing I can do yet, but- oh." Blasting some objects yields bits of metal she can collect again. "all right, and it looks like I can upgrade the machine too! I dunno what bigger things I need to be blasting?"

TaichouSenseiKun: Blast your neighbor's car into several bicycles. It will be impossible to ride them all!

Bea's on her way back to get the TV set when something slithers across the screen quickly. "Whoo, okay, anyone see that? I am now worrying"

Syrupentine: We got so used to it being a sandbox game we forgot that there might be a plot!!

"Maybe if we don't move the plot won't be able to get us.." She warily walks to some bushes where the thing went and hid..

aroseahorseboy: please be a cute harmless friend please please please

[acquired GARTER SNAKE]

"Our first party member!"

Klickitat_Street: Oh, it’s an item. IT’S AN ITEM??

"Why is it an...........................Oh, you're not serious."

HNV: Deeply Disturbed Child Simulator 2015

Indeed, you can catch frogs down near the river, a bird if you're fast enough when it lands. A cat wanders about on one of the further screens but Bea just goes for the TV set.

"This is really, really kind of not okay with me?" She giggles painfully as she makes her way back to the machine. "Can I just keep them in my inventory and we can ignore the implications.."

aroseahorseboy: this is a long shot but maybe you’re supposed to fuse them with the ore chunks to make cyborgs or something I HOPE

"all right, let's.. let's try this one.." Bea groans. "Snake plus Three iron ingots.. I really hope this isn't gonna be that bad"

aroseahorseboy is just barely peeking through his fins to watch TaichouSenseiKun forces aro's fins apart aroseahorseboy has sunglasses on underneath HAH TaichouSenseiKun pulls them off aroseahorseboy: Ah. I see my plan has hit a snag HNV: I couldn’t even play Pikmin, what is with these games where you’re forced to harm little animals?

There's a tense, disturbing moment as the snake begins to rush around the blast chamber.. but the blast is just a big bright flash.

[Made SNAKE CHAIN lv.1!]

The new weapon is a scaly looking length of chain with a fanged tip. It can be used as both a whip and a grappling hook! "Whoah.. Oh this is kind of neat is it wrong I feel that way? Is this how it feels to be Dr. Robotnik?"

Glockroach: yeah cool but its still dead. I think? Syrupentine: It hisses when you swing it? I’m hoping that means it’s still alive... Baconnaise: Bea you did this you take good care of that snake chain try a bird next, everyone hates birds SugaGlydah: ;n; I like birbs but i get they're not for everybody Glockroach: Thank god, Sugar is here. Now run. SugaGlydah: why what- OH aroseahorseboy: that’s what my older relatives all want to do with my bird “that’s no pet that’s DINNER, guffaw haw haw” having them threaten to turn it into a gun or something would be better!

"Like this?" BLAST!

[Made CROW BAR lv. 1!]

"Oh, it's a tool, I guess. And a bad pun. Well, who could resist?"

DueyDecimal: I bet if you put them together it becomes a NUNCHUCKATRICE! HNV: So are you making weapons just to stockpile, or is there something you can do with them?

Two frogs can make a pair of boots, though, that let you hop over small gaps. And the TV, broken down, can be remade into a set of body armor! "I guess that's a good question, we should go back to see what we can do now!"

All around the machine are barriers that Bea can now overcome with her new tools: the Crow Bar lets her open up a boarded-up door in a decrepit house, and there’s a crevice west of this screen that can be jumped with the frog boots.

When the door is opened, monsters start to stream out— gray zombies with broken TVs for heads!

SugaGlydah also screms because good lord Baconnaise: That was some real terror right there Bea HNV: Watch! Yourself! Don’t fall off of the shelf!

"I'm, I'm-" She runs away as quickly as she can to the point she can hit them with the snake chain.

It’s not a strong weapon at all; one of them goes down after five hits, but there’s still six crowding around her!

DueyDecimal: What kind of animal can she turn into a shotgun?? Glockroach: Just smash two normal guns together, boom, shotgun

"Actually my pickaxe is better agains them than anything, oddly. However I am going to be dead soon I should probably flee"

HNV: Catch a bird, birdshotgun

One of the zombies gets a little running start and dashes at Bea's character, tackling him to the ground!

SugaGlydah: D: Baconnaise: Well crap Maybe they just want a hug Bee52: Dogpile on Bea! That's Dog + Atomic pile + Bee

Three more zombies launch themselves into the pile, and Bea's character is now being carried by the four of them-- not back into the house, but toward the spawning area, where the machine is located.

"HEYYY everyone! No hard feelings, right?? I mean how could I have known I was blastin' one of your heads before, ya know, we all make mistakes and if we fry we can never correct 'em!"

Baconnaise: I think maybe you were supposed to put the TV on your head to disguise yourself? Just a thought aroseahorseboy: wow this is Sierra Game brutal

Back at the Blasting Machine (as one would assume it's called), the zombies hold Bea's character in the air as one of them rummages through the junk heaps and finds yet another TV; then they load the player character and the TV onto the conveyor belt.

DueyDecimal: ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

"Y'ever been really impressed by something and also hated it? HAAAAALP!!!" She's been jamming on buttons all this time, but it seems to just be a cutscene. "We can reset now right? All I did was make some hapless animals into implements of destruction, is that really a crime?"

burd_snerglar: i mean it depends on the state or province aroseahorseboy: if this is trying to make a point against body modification then I don’t appreciate it. if it’s making a point against having a broken TV for a head though... well i guess i have no argument there. Glockroach: Speak for yourself, kiddo. I still get three channels

The Machine activates, and Bea's character pops out as another grey-skinned zombie... and shuffles off with the rest.

There's no 'game over' screen, though; the game simply starts again, with a new character sprite entering the junkyard! This one seems to be a female character, or at least has twin ponytails.

"This has been really. Hm. It's really BEEN, hasn't it? It sure has been here and existed for us to see it. I hope. And I think it deserves a whole nother session to itself because it looks like there's a lot there, but DAMN."

aroseahorseboy: O!~! I get it i thought it would be a shooting game but it's BLASTING as in a BLAST FURNACE HNV: well, you know what they always say he who dealt it, smelts it

>Bea has left the room.

SugaGlydah: Bea wait! Glockroach: she's just going to take a shot I think HNV: I’d apologize but that’s kind of an accomplishment on my part

aroseahorseboy: dude I fcuking PITY whatever comes next, blasting machine rips

[joytraveler]

Death Master 2 (continued)

The third stage is a gruesome swamp, which seems to be being used for a butcher's larder-- what with all the dead animals hanging from the trees!

"Ohhh that, that Sneaky Pete!!" Bea growls at her mysterious foe. The morbid stage ahead rather distracts her, however. "Maybe we... maybe we just shouldn't do this, we've had enough of this game haven't we??"

Glockroach: Leatherface is gonna be the boss of this HNV: It's this or Box Baby, Bea... make your choice

"Mmmm I sure do love Slaughter Swamp! Yep, just gonna mosey right along ahead there!!"

Of course the decapitated animals fall out of the trees and attack you. Why would they not, right? And bony arms grab at you from out of the swamp... And finally a towering pile of SOMETHING rises up out of the muck, surrounded by swirling will o' wisps!

Llord_Kuruku: ok wut john_brown: wait I thought this was a fantasy hack and slasher why are you fighting the poop emoji???

"THE GREAT MIGHTY POO!" Bea sings at the top of her voice! "Hehgegehehehehgggfff I don't wanna touch it, no!! Long range, gimme the torch, NO!" She has to chase after an annoying little ghost to get the torch to set her weapon ablaze!

Once the stack of brown stuff's gaseous little friends are destroyed, it weakens and collapses, leaving behind some sort of shrine, half sunk in the murk; Alonzo stares at it for a second, and there's another flashback.

"Here we go, nnng.. comfort food.. What's the happiest thing I have.." she reaches to the snack table.. "Yesss, gummy sharks.. Ok I'm ready"

The sunken shrine fades to a newer shrine in a brighter forest, where Alonzo is being led along by a shrine keeper, and shown two mosaics. One shows the Death Master, whom we already know, raising the dead from their graves. The other mosaic shows a different figure – the one who's been following you all along – who seems to be putting live people into graves!

john_brown: i really like the little world mythology this game is building Syrupentine: oh, it's like the Wizard of Oz! This guy's brother is hunting you for killing him and taking his place! His scythe, whatever

"Right, so I must be the Good Death of the North, meaning I have to be enemies with Elphaba now"

aroseahorseboy: now don't get me wrong this game is totally cool and gory and everything but! I feel like they are beating around the bush and not telling us about glem and his mom and dad!

Stage 4 starts with a horrible monster's maw, seeming to form the gateway to this next world. As Bea treks through, though, it becomes clear that it's no metaphor-- the whole next stage takes place inside the body of a vast dead creature!

pigbarrel: hey, its my house!! pull up a maggot and make yourself at home!

Sunlight shines through the many gaping holes in the monster's body, illuminating all the lovely scenes of Alonzo hacking his way through gigantic decomposers and detritovores, and running from collapsing vertebrae and certain things that are partially digested but still alive. The music even seems composed of various squelches and gurgles, to boot. A long, spiraling spinal staircase is the worst part, with a sea of roiling worms rising up after her!

"Hey, my followers! No autographs, please.”

Apparently this monster was a female, because the boss of this stage is a zombie egg, able to 'hatch' seemingly any number of appendages from under its calcified shell! At one point it becomes a pinwheel of wings and legs, and at least four shrieking beaks!

pigbarrel: and there's me, sorry for all the attacking HNV: I wondered if your Facebook picture was accurate, sorry for doubting you SugarGlyda: !!!!! oh its a perfect limb baby!!!

When the egg is finally stilled, Alonzo makes his way out onto a ridge overlooking a valley, that glows menacingly with purple evil. But, once again, we get a flashback; Alonzo and his would-be bride, embracing as they sit on the ridge together, watching as a magnificent, phoenix-like bird soars over the sunset-- in fact it's clearly the very bird whose ruined body you just journeyed through.

"I'm not crying internally, nope not me.. Made o' granite, be I."

TaichouSenseiKun: It's okay Bea let it out john_brown: why is this game so sad though?? HNV: We end up asking that about almost all of them honestly

To be concluded.

[joytraveler]

79. Death Master II: The Lord Of Death

This one has an appropriately awesome title sequence, showing the Death Master himself ("Alonzo" to our friends here) wielding his giant scythe atop a volcano with a storm spiraling above him! 

john_brown: this looks like the kind of video game that you have painted on your van

"Can you hear the soundtrack too because its really good, it's like Dragonstorm or one of those fantasy-metal bands.. Oh maybe we'll find out what happened to his parents? Remember they were dead and he couldn't bring them back? Spoilers." 

ButterflyDefect: Right, you could only reverse deaths YOU caused, it turned out

The game begins with a scrolling text: 

YOUR REIGN AS DEATH MASTER WAS A REIGN OF PEACE. 

HAVING SEEN SO MUCH DESPAIR ON YOUR WAY TO THIS THRONE, YOU BROUGHT KINDNESS AND WARMTH THAT NO FALLEN SOUL HAD EVER ENCOUNTERED BEFORE. 

YET CRUELTY STILL LIVES, MAKING DIRE PLANS OF ITS OWN... 

DueyDecimal: Still "You", huh? We never learn Alonzo's real name?ButterflyDefect: It's kind of nice the DEATH MASTER is actually a good guy for a change aroseahorseboy flings Butterfly into a giant blender hey i'm nice but we gotta have refreshments, y'know

DueyDecimal: BTW, isn't "Death Master 2: The Lord Of Death" sort of like "Sonic The Hedgehog 2: A Hedgehog Named Sonic"?

"Maybe the Master and the Lord are two different Death guys? It's got to be a pretty big jobs, maybe we're just like the regional manager now" 

The text crawl fades away, to the same image from the title screen... and then suddenly Alonzo is kicked off his high perch, and someone in black and maroon robes grabs the scythe from his hand as he tumbles. "Now I am The Death Master!" it shouts, in a speech bubble. 

"Oh fuckbuckets, that was was quick! HEY, that's, you gotta boss fight me for that, you dweeb!" 

pigbarrel: oh. so it's more of a death usurper HNV: I never thought of the semantics, but 'master' does seem to be a higher rank than 'lord', to me

The game proper begins with Alonzo hitting the ground running! You're unarmed to start with, but this game gives you the power to take weapons from armed enemies and power them up by defeating enemies in combos. A tiny spear that Bea appropriates from a squat little goblin soon grows into a massive lance that can puncture things from across the screen! 

"HWAAA!! Gimme that mace, I wanna see what that turns into next!" It's a good fit for the first boss she encounters too, a giant skeletal turtle! Eventually she manages to flip it on its back and smash its underside! "I AM BEATRIX, THE DEATH MISTRESS! THE "X" IS FOR THE LITTLE Xs YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ON YOUR EYES FROM.. from being dead." 

john_brown: the way your weapons grow reminds me of the sword of omens from thundercats DueyDecimal: ...Am I the only one who sees the Freudian imagery there? ButterflyDefect: War is a long list of big stabbing, thrusting things Syrupentine: hehehehehehehehe.... peenz0rs pigbarrel: this is crime

The second stage is a ruined village, with frightened townspeople being tormented by the animal-headed monsters that seem to work for your enemy now. Surprisingly, halfway through the stage you come to something like a church, and there's a strange moment: the action all freezes, and suddenly there's a wedding happening, and you're the groom! 

HNV: ...okay waht

"Oh is this.. Are we.. are we doing a flashback?? Is that what this is?? Uggh this is going to be sad isn't it!" 

DueyDecimal: Of COURSE the sequel is actually a prequel!!

As the bride and groom come close to kiss, suddenly the lights go out-- and when they come back on, the groom is standing bloodied in a pile of victims, including both pairs of parents! And there's the old Death Master from the original game, exiting out the back door. 

Syrupentine: So he doesn't remember who killed his parents OR girlfriend... OR his girlfriend's parents? Llord_Kuruku: now that's just overkill

"Oh no.. no no NO!! Who woulda done this?! Why?? Why turn this blessed event into Super Grooms n' Ghosts??" 

Then it's back to the game, and chopping and hacking through the village and the monsters; the monsters seem more focused now, and will turn away from the villagers to attack Alonzo! 

HNV: I think everyone had a flashback, now all the monsters recognize you!

"So my family was murdered by the original DM, everyone blames Al because nobody trust the guy with a mustache, whatever you do, but then who.." 

pigbarrel: maybe death masters have families too?? so its like bowser jr. come to avenge his father john_brown: i wonder if it's a translation error that they don't just say 'grim reaper' or if this is supposed to be something different?

Finally comes the stage boss-- and of all places for this boss to attack you, it's right in front of your old house, the very place you came to at the end of the last game! At least it's a cool boss-- a roaring "hangman's tree" that chomps with its gnashing knothole mouth and swings dead bodies on nooses like nunchaku! 

"Stupid- Hgarrrgh, none of my weapons are working! This is why I don't go outside, trees are always doing this!!" 

Once she knocks down one of the bodies from the tree and claims its axe, however, the tide of battle turns in her favor! 

HNV: Axes and trees are natural enemies! ButterflyDefect: I, too, shall die clutching my axe in my hand. After smiting my final foes with my crushing solo

With a few heavy blows, the tree teeters, falls, and becomes a stump! Then there's another flashback... the stump becomes a young sapling, and the Death Master becomes a young Alonzo, shovel in hand, standing over the graves that were revealed at the end of the previous game. 

Syrupentine: why do you do this to us again, game :___;

"It's powered by our emotional suffering" Bea tries to press start but of course it's an unskippable cutscene! "And so from that day on.. he decided.. he really hated skeletons. OH and also probably vengeance." 

Alonzo slowly skulks away, shovel in hand, head hung... And then a shadowy figure appears from behind the tombstones – the same figure that threw him off the mountain at the beginning! 

Syrupentine: ooooh, intrigue

to be continued

[joytraveler]

Joy Traveler: Screen 7

(Sunday, August 23, 2015)

The chat is very full, with old friends and new! The preview of Screen 7 has gotten everyone excited for tonight's stream.

john_brown: hey everyone aroseahorseboy: !!!!!!!! aroseahorseboy: HE IS HERE HNV: Oh wow, a celebrity! Syrupentine: AHHH JOHNNY Baconnaise: Oh hey Glockroach: fuck john_brown: please. please. no need to bow. pigbarrel: hi, i'm sorry we haven't met but you seem important Llord_Kuruku: This is John Brown's Body, from the website of the same name Llord_Kuruku: (i think? if it's the real person) john_brown: do people come in here and RP as me?? HNV: Well, NOW we will TaichouSenseiKun: Oh hey john john_brown: tai!! didn't know you'd be here TaichouSenseiKun: yeah I've been comin a while, actually, this game is definitely the kind of thing you'd appreciate Baconnaise: A few. A lot actually Klickitat_Street: ...OK, OK, I'll go read your site, and not just so people will stop bugging me about it

"HEYYY Look who's here! And we got some other new meat too, excellent, you've come at a good time!" Bea's getting ready to start, well insulated by two layers of sweater.

ButterflyDefect: It Bea! Quiet down children, story time! HNV: We got some good stuff coming up, I saw another Box Baby and another Fishworld aroseahorseboy: i am curious about FREAK SHOW (starring the hero)

"We kind of HAVE to do Freak Show, I hope Duey's here!" She goes over the list again, wondering what's to come.. "I guess they didn't get around to naming their hero, which means we get to do it ourselves!"

[joytraveler]

70: Brass Knuckle Boxing

This seems to be a sequel to the strangely gory boxing game Bea played earlier, but this time there are some new additions: you can choose to play a male or female fighter, and there seems to be a store where you can buy upgrades for your fighter!

"Oh I'm picking her! And now we're gonna get some real good spiky torture gloves, if they- oh. Wow they actually do, holy cow. Okay. Sold!"

"I SHOULDN'T be surprised, but.."

Syrupentine: Co-ed boxing?? YES Llord_Kuruku: Sisters are doing it for themselves berd_snurglar: but, but women can't do a sports, they'll get their hair all tangled in their boobs and get the game will get called on account of period Baconnaise: Yeah I flooded the stage at the school play one time Klickitat_Street: Is it bad that this talk really does make me uncomfortable? -_-;

The first opponent on this circuit is "Half Jones". who waves to the crowd while facing Bea's left, but then turns to reveal he's entirely robotic on his right side! And that's a wicked-looking piston he's got instead of a right fist!

Glockroach: Look at this fuckin guy, Bea's here to make sure there's No Jones left after this HNV: Bea, I don't want to tell you how to play the game, but I think his weakness is going to be his left side. Just a hunch.

"Yeah he's pretty smug look- wait wait don't talk at me while I'm trying not to get my knock blocked off!!"

"Looks like someone still has their pitiful human kidney!" PUNCH

Half Jones really doesn't like having his flesh parts punched into his metal parts! Eventually his eye is swollen shut and he can only see with his glowing red optical sensor on the other side, which defends a lot better-- but Bea can tell when he's looking away and that's a cue when to hammer him!

"Good thing I got these gloves or my hands would be almost as mushy as you are, buddy!" When he finally shoots off some sparks and goes down!

Llord_Kuruku: Toasted! HNV: Maybe you should take on Tyson one of these nights after all!

The purse you win for putting down Jones enables Bea to purchase some newly unlocked gear-- some of which are parts she recognizes from Half Jones himself. But the most expensive thing that she can't afford yet in the shop seems to be just a small blue pill!

TaichouSenseiKun: Bea will MegaMan her way to boxing stardom. Then box the stars Baconnaise: Bea, save up for matrix pills

"Nothing actually says what it DOES of course, you have to buy it first.. Oh well, gonna get some shoes for a speed up and we'll keep going, if I make the same amount again, with what's left that should be plenty!"

Glockroach: Bea those are steroids, don't. HNV: I hope those aren't continues or something, that would be a ripoff

The next boxer in line is Sunshine, a friendly-looking freckle-faced hick who wears overalls but no shirt-- and who happens to have a pitchfork instead of a right hand. He even laughs good-naturedly when he accidentally(?) offers the wrong "glove" to touch before the fight.

DueyDecimal: WATCH! THAT! RIGHT!

[joytraveler]

#69: Super Nova!

The title screen shows two muscular guys in tight shirts posing with guns, and that's definitely what you get in the game. Both of them are available to play and you can swap between them at the press of a button: one punches and kicks, while the other uses weapons. The object of the game is to infiltrate a giant flying fortress crawling with enemy soldiers!

Glockroach: Where's Bacon for this HNV: This is what she's been waiting for for, what, sixty games now?

"What the- why don't they both use guns, what's even the point of the one guy-" she suddenly figures out how to grab and throw one soldier into another! "Ooohohohohho, yeahhh"

"I will beat the key card outta ya, c'mere- nope, that's a trap, AGH!"

A little experimentation reveals that the gunner, Dorado, is good for more than just shooting-- he can also disarm traps, and hack into various elevators and other parts of the structure! But the fighter, Lupus, is the most agile, able to jump higher and do cool swings between platforms. The key to the game seems to be knowing who's right for the situation!

DueyDecimal: This reminds me of Strider! Syrupentine: I was thinking Bionic Commando... DueyDecimal: That too!

She manages to lure and trap a whole bunch of guards in a side room, slipping out to lock the door behind them! "Hey! How's the weather in there guys. Probably really smelly, cause you're all in there!"

She has to shoot her way past a few more sentry turrets, and a boss that's a pair of ninjas- also a grappler and projectile duo! Or is it the same ninja switching costumes?

"If I shoot him when he's in punch mode he just dodges by..turning into a log, like a ninja do! I want to see the original ninja scrolls for that, see if I can use it to trick my dogs"

Llord_Kuruku: This is like a Van Damme movie come to life but with way better special effects

After the first boss we learn something about the title of this game: apparently "Nova" was a weapon of war that became sentient and built this battle platform! It's holding the team that invented it hostage... or are they hostages? This ninja seems to have once been one of them...

[joytraveler]

66. Planet of Pisces II

Syrupentine: I know you're drawing out the tension but come on, it's staring us right in the face! Llord_Kuruku: planet of pisces 2, part 2, the clone wars Klickitat_Street: I hope this isn't where the games start to repeat, that last one kind of sucked

"Mmp, caffeine." Bea just finishes the last of her coffee. "Time for Bea's coffee reviews. This is dark roast. It's very bitter, just like me. Well that's the show, thanks for coming by everyone"

HNV: Oh good, Bea's doing impressions of obsure Phoenix Wright characters

"Wait I am? Who are you.. oh, uh YEAH yeah, good reference huh? Anywho.." With her nerves steadied, its time to move on. "POP2, 2! It's two pops, it's twice as many dads, you have to save BOTH your dads this time and they're in opposite corners of the universe! It's very inconvenient."

The new Planet of Pisces 2 starts with a familiar-looking house appearing on the title screen, pink and blue in the rising sun! This title screen is much more dramatic than the other one, with the title and the Roman numeral 2 fading in slowly as the sun rises, tranquil music playing.

HNV: Hey that's the house they built at the end of POP1! Syrupentine: Hey that's the house from Last Of Them All! ... HNV: Jinx? Partly? TaichouSenseiKun: Holy shit I think its both Baconnaise: We have continuity. except not really cause things aren't all ruined yet wait which comes before the other Syrupentine: Now I have a weird tummy feeling because I didn't realize Last Of Them All didn't take place on Earth

When the game begins, a new screen appears but with familiar sprites: it's the kids from Last Of Them All, but this is a character-naming screen!

"Oh we're naming him Glem this time, I'll show you who's dead, game!" The default name on the screen is GUREMU, but Glem fits in even easier

berd_snurglar: damn bea show some respe- oh

A star appears when she types in the name, looks like Glem approves!

HNV: What were the other kids' names? There was Zark and Morg and the baby was something Glockroach: Narp, Grunk, and Splongus. Splongus was always my favorite aroseahorseboy: someday we will learn why joyce named all her babies after stomach noises

When Bea has named all the kids, the game begins proper, irising in on the house... and it was indeed the house from Last Of Them All. The second floor layout is the same, the family is the same! The only difference is that this time, instead of 'Zoku', she's playing Glem.

TaichouSenseiKun: Glem inherits the burning fighting spirit and hair of his mother

First things first, Bea tries talking to the other family members in turn! Glem's little brother Renk is playing with a truck downstairs. "Is there gonna be a special breakfast or are we gonna eat at the carnival?"

berd_snurglar: something smells Renk am i right folks, hah thank you

The twin brothers, Zork and Marg, come tumbling down the stairs wrestling with each other, just like the last time they were seen. "Glem! Go get mom and dad!" "Yeah, Glem! Go get dad and mom!"

"This is before we go to the carnival and get sent back in time! Gotta go get the folks again... HEY MA GET UP, it's Glem. Not dead anymore, feeling pretty good today actually!"

Mom and Dad are asleep in their room, and all Dad will say, just like last time is "mmm... ask your mom."

But Joyce wakes up and says. "That's right, it's your big day! We're going to enter your invention in the contest at the fair! Are you excited?"

Whether Bea chooses YES or NO, Joyce's answer is the same. "You should be very proud of yourself even if you don't win! But i'm sure you will, yours is the best I've ever seen, especially from a boy your age!"

"Ohh, the discus! Yes, mother, you have NO idea, do you.." No more questions asked, she's off to the fair.

"An invention convention in *this* universe should be allll kinds of crazy, maybe I can buy a time machine and it turns out I'm the caveman from the other game"

Before Glem gets back downstairs, the tiny little girl, Rikel, meets him at the head of the stairs and gives him a big hug! "I hope you win, Glem!"

Bea does a deeper, heroic voice. "I won't let my family down! We're gonna win this thing! And go on to invent a whole planet!"

Syrupentine: I'm jealous of Joyce. I want a son like Glem. :_: aroseahorseboy: god damn it mom i try my best *sob, run away*

Back on the bottom floor, Joyce is already down there making breakfast for the family, who are sitting at the kitchen table. When Bea talks to her, she says, "Almost ready. Get the paper before your father comes down, OK?"

Baconnaise: This IS a sequel, right. HNV: What's weird is that we played the original, then a spinoff of the original, and now we're playing the sequel, but we already played... a spinoff... of the sequel? Wait, I confused myself.

Out the front door is a perfectly lovely-looking front walk and lawn. Bea walks Glem down the front walk toward the newspaper. "Got the Newspaper!" says the message box.

But the game doesn't resume from there-- instead it slowly, seemingly pixel by pixel, begins to scroll to the right, the message box itself scrolling off the screen.

Glockroach: Its the devil guy from Smash Trophy the one who moves the screen, dont question me TaichouSenseiKun: BEA RUN THE SCREEN WILL GET YOU DueyDecimal: You mean the Devil from Devil World, featuring Tamagon, the character whose trophy was excised from Melee in the United States? aroseahorseboy: yes duey him

When Glem himself is almost scrolled off the screen, we see the next house over, which has a white van parked in front of it.

Almost as slowly as the scrolling, something begins to emerge from the window not facing the camera.

aroseahorseboy ...is that a fucking rifle

"Oh here's somebody's crime van, definitely. What kind of neighborhood is GLEM NO!!" She shouts, unable to help herself!

The gun fires; the same loud 'bang' they heard in Last Of Them All is heard. The screen scrolls back to Glem, who is still holding up the newspaper.

Glem turns around, and takes two steps back to the house, before falling over.

"FFFFWHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT?!" Is all she can get out amid a bout of upset sputtering.

aroseahorseboy: who the fuck made this HNV: What happened to his head?! Glockroach: someone seriously made a game about a little boy getting shot berd_snurglar: bea. glem died and it was your fault

"SHUT UP BERD its not over yet, this is the opening!" She says, hammering on the control pad as if it will help move the scene along faster.

The only animation is Glem's head-- the rust-colored smear that was once his head-- seeming to quiver like crackling static.

Then the door finally opens again. Rikel comes out. She runs out to see what's happened, and then returns to the house.

The screen fades to black, except for the familiar words, that they kept seeing over and over, seemingly by accident.

aroseahorseboy: ahem FUUUUCK THIIIIS GAAAAME Baconnaise: God damn it Bea DueyDecimal: Was this all a cinematic? Could you have dodged that even?

"I didn't know!! all right, Duey's right, we missed something didn't we.."

Llord_Kuruku: maybe you should have played all the games that came before?? Or after???

[joytraveler]

63. Marsha Mallow

"All of this sounds delicious but speaking of, let's visit Marsha Mallow in her Candy Cane Cottage out in the Pixie Stix.. Or do you have to cross the Pixie Styx river to get there"

The Marsha Mallow title screen is REALLY cute, featuring what can only be Marsha, a soft-bodied little happy thing that looks like a more humanoid Kirby wearing a bow and barrettes, hugging a bunch of less human (but still smiling) candies and other treats.

Klickitat_Street: hoo boy here we go, this is going to be cookie cauldron all over again right? GlockRoach: Look at the candies, they have faces, clearly they're made with the souls and juices of children

When Bea presses start, an animated cinema sequence happens, showing Marsha and all her friends dancing happily on what looks like a kitchen counter, and then her friends start to flee because ants are getting into the kitchen! Clearly Marsha has to help them escape...

"Things were just! Too! Perfect! It could never last, it's sad, I know.. Hang in there Marsha, we'll get you and your friends out of this, somehow!"

..which leads into the game: you have to move Marsha around on the floor and bounce her friends to safety as they jump from the counter. It's very similar to the classic Game & Watch, "Fire", but with a lot of enhancements. For one, Marsha can temporarily EAT some of her friends, making her bigger and bouncier! It doesn't last long, though, and if she eats a cinnamon ball, she gets toasted!

"Sometimes you just gotta devour your friends to save your friends, but that's the way it goes sometimes when they're all edible and delicious"

berd_snurglar: this game is somebody's fetish Baconnaise: Yeah maybe mine now, uh-oh HNV: Is it bad that I'm disappointed that this game is cute and harmless with no spooky twist? GlockRoach: Screw you tough guy, I'm fuckin terrified of marshmallows

The game isn't strange or evil, but it does seem to get ridiculously hard as the levels progress. The floors get wider, and platforms for the food friends to walk on or ricochet off start to appear, turning it into a sort of juggling version of Lemmings.

"They can't all be spooky, what's wrong with just cute sometimes? Remember, some of these were made by kids!" She says as she grits her teeth and tries to not fail. "Sadistic kids. Horrible little brat-children!"

Not long before she's telling Marsha and her friends to burn. "Mmmaybe we can find something less frustrating like Super Pain Planet"

Llord_Kuruku: Or Box Baby threeee Chillarmy_The_Beedrill: R U KIDDING NO HNV: I'm still not trusting POP II, let's go somewhere relaxing like Bobotown

[joytraveler]

60. Sunny Spring Mornings

(This chapter divided into two parts for your reading convenience.)

The title screen shows a large office complex at dawn, with a line of glowing car headlights entering the security gate. (Not exactly exciting video game material.)

Then the game begins and you're informed that it's your first day at your new paid internship at the world's biggest tech company, but there are so many handsome men here you hardly know what to do! It's a dating sim!

"Are you serious?! OhohohohOHOhohhohoo, here we go, this could result in pixel porn!" (she goes around making small talk with potential suitors!) "And you look good, and you, and you.. and YOU have yaoi hands!"

The first one is a tall, blond surfer dude with a shiny smile. ["Welcome to i.O Technologies. What did you say your name was?"] This is followed by a name entry screen! The default name in the field is JOYCE, but you can put in anything you want, in English or Japanese.

"Joyce, huh? I like it, that was my grandma's name too" ["Joyce Walker? Nice to meet you, I'm George. First day too? It'd be nice if there was orientation, but I think we're just supposed to wing it!"]

aroseahorseboy: wow, you're not going with QUEENIE? must be a special occasion Baconnaise: Bea pick mr bighands, trust me Llord_Kuruku: make them all line up so you can see who has the longest arm

The next one is a very tall, skinny black guy with glasses who seems very officious.

["Ms. Walker? I'm Keith Moed. I'll be your direct superior. I relay your research to Dr. Ryder. He can be a little intimidating but don't be afraid to approach either of us if you have questions."]

"Joyce Walker! Ahhhh, I get it! That's cute! Oh, I think I'll be approaching you fellas anyway but, soon enough.."

DueyDecimal: Wait, what's the joke behind the name? aroseahorseboy: joyce walker = joy traveler indicating that her true husband is Mr. 1*67

The third prospective husband is a small, geeky but cute fellow, who greets Joyce with a huge goofy smile. He's a person of color, but not Black; there’s a bit of debate in the chat what his ethnicity is, but he explains it immediately.

["Joyce? Hi! Call me Woody. Actually my name is Edward Yellow Pine, I picked the name up in college, it's a funny story-- well, not that funny, people picked up on the name Yellow Pine and that was that. Cause I'm, um, I'm Nimmo Indian, actually. Went to college with George. Yeah. You?"]

"Read that, guys? That's the same tribe that tells a story of certain dreadful, competition loving beings... Probably not a good way to break the ice, though. 'Nice to meet you, let's talk about corpse demons'."

GlockRoach: Can you date a spanunko tho That's what I wanna know Syrupentine: Find out, ask Woody out! He's my husbando

Once Joyce has met the three of them, a menu of things to do opens up: visit with the boy of your choice, go home (which refreshes your charm stat) or do your work (which increases your money stat).

"Work before pleasure, because money's probably important in case he tries to make me pay. Then let's talk to Woody again"

Upon choosing WORK, the scene fades out, and we fade in on... the image of the astronaut and the box.

[WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME OUT NOW? Y/N]

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" "............is this her job"

HNV: THIS IS YOUR JOB??? aroseahorseboy: you get paid to beg to be let out of a box

Upon answering 'no': [ALL RIGHT. I'LL ASK AGAIN TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT.] The game returns to the office. "Well working was fun but let's never do that again!! Time to go see the mens. What are we working on besides nightmare box technology?"

Keith is busy with work but replies politely. George is busy with work but replies politely. Woody is SO EXCITED to see you, he's bouncing in his chair. He ignores his work and sits backward in his chair to talk, getting a bit motormouthed!

berg_snerdler: bea this guy likes you a lot. he's gonna make you his spununko bride, look out

Depending on your answer, he gets more excited, and eventually he does ask you out on a date! The date, however, is not played in dating sim style: it's more like Pong... with Breakout bricks between the two paddles.

"Huh? Oh. Oh I get it! It's a metaphor!" she bobs her eyebrows at the camera. "If he likes me now he's REALLY gonna like me when I get that laser power up"

It's an easy win for Bea, and Woody is shyer and more tongue-tied than ever! If you keep pressing him like this, something's bound to happen... and in two more dating rounds, it does: the third match has a ring box in the middle of the blocks. Who'll get it first??

"Date meter maximum, POWER UNLEASHED! GO!" A well-angled bounce hits the box at last. "For ME??? Well I don't know about that but OKAY IF YA SAY SO! Why can't more dating sims be like WarioWare, I wonder"

The screen fades to Woody's overjoyed smile, and a shot of the wedding... and for the first time we see who it is that Bea has been playing all this time (since the game was in the first person).

aroseahorseboy: called it! HNV: It's Redmom's origin story!

"My goodness things happen fast around here don't they! So THIS is our mom after all! Hello Joyce! We've met a few times, in your future, and you gave me the coolest present ever!"

HNV: but her name in POP was Joy RIDER... sounds like there's a 'true ending' to this!

After the wedding scene, there's a few screens of epilogue.

[Joyce and Woody were happily married.]

[They remained at i.O Technologies to support themselves, but could not afford to start a family.]

[With their help, Dr. Ryder completed his research.] [HAPPY ENDING!]

Klickitat_Street: ??? HNV: So... nothing changed, the end. Huh.

The game returns to the title screen, but when you choose "Continue" it brings Bea right back to the Visit/Work/Home screen.

DueyDecimal: Now the big question, does Bea have the determination to get all the endings?

--to be continued.

[joytraveler]

54: Planet Of Pisces 2: For Super Players

normalnancy: hi bea can u play sonic 06 HNV: Sunny Spring Mornings! DueyDecimal: POP2, let's walk into the trap anthony1998x: show us your b00bs - User anthony1998x was blocked. - Llord_Kuruku: more pisces, more, moar Syrupentine: I want more Glem! aroseahorseboy: i want to see planet of pisces, don't get me wrong, but what the hell is "cat rate" GlockRoach: FISH PLANET PARADISE, LETS GO

"Ok, you've been patient enough." she hovers over the selection for POP2. "Have you ever...not wanted to play a game even though you thought it was gonna be great?"

DueyDecimal: I think it's cause you know your game history, Bea. Ever heard of Super Mario Bros 2: For Super Players? Llord_Kuruku: i googled it-- this is like "the lost levels"??

The game screen appears. This one has no opening cinematic like the original, it simply starts with the Planet of Pisces logo, with a big 2 and 'Press Start'. Underneath the logo the words SUPER CHALLENGE have been added.

"Like, you're almost afraid it'll disappoint somehow, maybe? Or you're just.." she trails off, thinking back to the ending of the first. "Yeah, maybe, HNV. Lost Levels/For Super Players was like the sequel to the first Mario, similar but way harder! Too hard, by some standards, so instead of that, in the US we got-"

slug_puzzler: Bea nobody cares just play it already

"Fine. But no dessert for you." >START

The game starts with Glem in front of the wrecked spaceship again, but this time it's a whole new world. Unable to progress to the right, Bea instead must go left, dropping into a large pit and entering an underground stage!

Right away the challenge is turned up: a pathway of narrow stones across a lava river requires all Bea's experience with using the Discus as a platform. No enemies have appeared yet.

"Wow, whole new game here! Proper sequel or not, it's definitely harder." Takes her a few deaths, but she makes it across. You have to get a running start and then slide to skip across the surface on the Discus.

Syrupentine: Hey, there's no life counter! aroseahorseboy: yeah there is-- it's counting UP

"Maybe this is a full sequel, it's just unfinished, like that one with all the weird stuff in it? Uh, the one by Renk, specifically."

After that lava river there's a brief respite... and another river, but this one you have to traverse while a vicious Angul fires his neon haloes at you from just out of your Discus's reach!

Some of the graphics in the Angul are looking a little messed up, though. His upper and lower corners have letters in them, "E" and "D" specifically

Bea wastes no time giving this one a nickname. "Hi Ed!"

> Ed: Hi Bea!

"So Ed you live around here much orrr, you shoot at everybody who comes by orrr.." Bea's attempting conversation with this particular cluster of pixels to pass the time.

The next time she falls into the lava, though, Ed appears to have changed his name upon returning; part of his face is now the letter L.

Llord_Kuruku: is this intentional or is it glitching out? anthony_199X: bad, next