#and maybe work on part 3
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figure skating set right now please. thanks
#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#emu otori#proseka#tsukasa tenma#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#GUYS I AM PUTTING OFF WORKING ON MY COSPLAY SOMETHING STUPID. im tireddddd i like sleeepingggff i want to play and drawwwww#after work âI literally ate a giant bowl of mac n cheese and climbed into bed. lifestyle choices of a 9 year old#anyways i want figure skaitng set. bad. PJSK HAS A WEIRDLY LOW NUMBER OF ACTUALLY WINTERY SETS... like 3. kind of.#i have some thumbnail sketches but im kind of stumped on composition for them. my idea was a nene focus set#(IF HER NEXT FOCUS ISNT PHANTOM OF THE OPERA THEMED INWILL DIE. BADLY. THEYRE GOING TO AN OPER AHOUSE. PLEADBR)#originally my idea was for nene to be biting a medal i was very sold on it bc i love nenes competitive side#however her outfit is so nice i want it to also be part of the art .. its heavily inspired by that one iconic eunsoo lim dress#from her somewhere in time program iirc. im really undatisfied with emus dress tbh my origimal idea was to give it a phoenix look#but a lot of the firebird/phoenix skating programs have very sleek dresses and i want emus to be fluffy. the balance is hard ..#and since i want her program song to be once upon a dream from sleeping beauty i swerved to make it look a bit like auroras ? but again#it definitely feels like the weakest of everybodys ... maybe i just love her too much and want her to look the best. sorry wxs.#tsukasas outfit is supposed to look like a shooting star. easy. program music moonlight sonata 3rd movement like from dazzling light. easy.#actually i like takahashi daisukes moonlight sonata program its a medley of the 1st and 3rd movement.. i think the calm at the beginning#is best. maybe smth like that.. for his card inhad him doing a haircutter spin but again. the outfits good i want the outfit visible. damn.#ruis the one im very set on even now. girl why are you so phantom of the opera.#it has a lot of beautiful programs to reference but the outfit i didnt really have any solid reference i kind of just balled#my main idea was to make it look a bit like both christine and the phantom.... gender Fluid.#my yapfest... i should be SEWING!!!!!!!!#despite my yapping im not that well versed in figure skating i cant really distinguish jumps i just like it . and medalist#i only do normal skating. bc i played hockey for like 7 years LOLLLL inlove skating though Heart.
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I wanna just clarify again about the ch3mo and part 3
I donât have cancer, and technically calling it âchemotherapyâ is a fucking over-dramatic way of spinning it, but it is chemotherapy. I take a low dose of what is considered âmaintenanceâ chemotherapy as a targeted immunosuppressant for an autoimmune disease that I have. I have to take the medication (along with a steroid injection) by IV every six weeks, either until I die or until the medicine stops working / I grow antibodies to it, and they switch me to something else.
The disease is somewhat hereditary, and because my parents also have it (though it wasnât onset for them until their late 30s, for me I was 14/15 and diagnosed at 16), there are a lot of expectations for me to âjust suck it upâ and act like the medication doesnât fucking wreck my body.
Some side effects of the medication are general things like nausea, fever, fatigue, but there are long term effects that are like ârealâ chemo too. For my mom, her hair and nails thinned from similar treatment. I instead develop pretty serious rashes on my scalp, my underarms, and even sometimes my legs. Anywhere that thick hair grows (yes⊠*there* too), though my hair doesnât thin from my current meds (it has on other meds before, that was fuckin mortifying). I have peripheral neuropathy which will only continue to increase as the medicine damages the nerves in my hands and feet. Itâs not like cancer chemo, Iâm not violently ill and losing my hair and prohibited from doing certain things, but it is still draining.
Itâs also not a cure for my disease, itâs a treatment of the symptoms. I still live with the disease and itâs own shitty effects on my body. But enough of the pity party. I wanted to clear up that I donât have cancer, Iâm not trying to pretend that I do have cancer, Iâm only trying to dramatize my experience and turn it into fanfiction material. I just want someone to take care of me on treatment day. I feel like that has never and will never happen. And I know I donât need it, I know Iâm an adult, I know my parents donât wallow the way that I do about it.
But I want the boys to take care of me. I just wanna pretend that they would. That they will.
#jonah says things#vent kinda#Iâm going to return to laying in the fetal position with an ice pack on my neck#and maybe work on part 3#which again is very dramatic#I donât actually get that sick the majority of the time#but I did get COVID last month and it was exactly like what Iâm writing#and again I was just told to suck it up#my parents didnât even believe me#guess the whooping cough and 102 fever were lying mom#they made me cook dinner for my grandparents#thank fuck I didnât transmit it
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part 2!!!! [read part one here]
transcript below the cut arranged into stanzas to help show where the rhymes are:
âthatâs why they brought gem in? as a failsafe?â as a pawn. we were told to point her at whoever we need gone
âgem wonât hurt her allies. âŠyet.â the curse she carries will itâs had its eye on her since she lost the other eye she was specially selected for her hunting skill itâs quite the high honor. âwow. how generous.â we try
think about it: why does almost no one fight the curse? âgiven how fast scott killed skizz last season, i can guess.â [âany pain you spare your friends, youâll have to suffer worseâ?] itâs designed to shut down higher reasoning with stress
#if you still can't see the rhyme scheme try reading it out loud#if that doesn't work uh. idk. can't help you#my art#my poetry#grian#geminitay#smajor1995#bdoubleo100#inthelittlewood#secret life#grian and his terrible horrible no good very bad eldritch coworkers: the sequel#cant wait to post the next part so i can be like 'my three secret life comics. and yes they all rhyme'#this one narratively doesn't work nearly as well as a standalone compared to part 1#however i accidentally went way too hard and could probably upload the middle page + second to last panel as their own separate art pieces#tbh i'm considering putting an explanation of everything below the readmore buuut i don't feel like it atm. :3 later maybe#me and my 20+ life series headcanons i only allude to without explicitly stating don't need to explain ourselves#still experimenting with this webtoon-esque vertical comic style#still not sure i like it#it gets long too quickly#among other things#but it's very easy to read on a phone so
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act 4 :(
@chipper-smol and i came to a realization
#THID FUCKING GAAAAAAAMMMMEEEEE#i have more i wanna draw but my hands not working orz.. maybe ill get around to it later idk#i finally FINALLY managed to get inside that star room.. my own clone!! now neither of us will be virgins!!!!#i dont have anything to go off of but when the journal mentions making another 'me' it reminds me of loop saying theyre like a mirror#theyre always able to read siffrins mind without actually reading their mind (or so they say) but maybe it could just be tone matching???#or smth like that.. idk if these two things are connected though so maybe its more like subtext#i hope im not the only one who made the childrens hospital joke when it came around to color lore part 2#im also getting the sinking feeling of watching siffrin toe his way near the deep end like bro is so so close to losing it#i feel like if i knew nothing abt the game beforehand and why siffrin is looping in the first place my feelings abt this would be different#cuz id be pretty angry too if ive been stuck in a loop long enough to feel like everyone around me is pretending nothings wrong#than the fact that i have decided not to disclose im in a time loop and that everyone is living this day for the first time#although i also get hes doing this for a reason and when u believe in the universe i guess it also comes with sunk cost fallacy#'this is the path the universe led me down before i even knew what i wanted so all i can do is double down' THATS THE FATALISM TALKING#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#isat act 4 spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#sona#puppysona#friends#chipper#doodles
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My page for @kairizine. It was such a huge honor to be part of this wonderful book with everyone, I had so much fun!
[id in alt!]
#kingdom hearts#kh#kh kairi#kh xion#kh namine#i don't really feel proud of my own stuff usually but#i really think this is the drawing i'm most proud of from this past year!! it made me think 'oh maybe i can draw' haha#i'm still kinda bad with colors but something clicked with this one. and i feel like i got the sentimental feeling i wanted!#ooh but this project's about flower symbolism so ramble incoming:#protea symbolizes resilience transformation and diversity; hollyhock means 'please remember me.'#so my general theme was finding a sense of self.#these 3 have struggled with finding their own identity; they tend to get left behind both in-universe and in general plotwise#and naminé and xion both resemble kairi and were overshadowed by her memory. but i feel like all 3 have transformed into their own people#xion and naminé have their faces covered partially by hollyhock to show their wish to be remembered for who they are-#instead of the parts that they share with someone else#and the protea bouquets show how they each held on and resiliently grew into their own person despite it all#i put a little swervy path on the hill behind kairi to give that hopeful sense of growth and moving forward. it's a little hard to see#hopefully that makes sense! i really love symbolism but i think in visuals so i'm really bad with words#but gosh working with everyone on this project was so fun. it was like impossible not to get swept up by the team's hype for this zine#i need to hunt down everybody's work and rb it#ohh and everybody's flowers are so crisply drawn it's insane!! i think if i lined all these flowers and leaves i'd die haha#fan art#my art#project stuff
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part 1 of a little comic / art sequence that i've been working on! :D it's part tribute, part experimenting with brushes n colors and trying new thingz :]
| 1 | 2 | 3 | ... |
and thus continues my endless quest of spreading the carrot fics like a plague! if you've seen my art floating around you probs already figured that this au holds a very special place in my heart, forever and always!!
if you haven't heard of it, it's a fic series by @crowned-ladybug called carrot soup!! it made me wish i could speak colors and i need more people to share my struggle xd
go check it out if you're into sweet voice lore and qpr level gayness and just wanna feel warm and soft and warm (hurt/comfort my beloved) <333 there are some heavier themes cos everyone's traumatized but they're working through it! be sure to check the tags and stay safe! <3
#hlvrai#half life vr but the ai is self aware#frenrey#carrots au#<- gotta remember to tag the other ones as well#yippie im so excited to finally start sharing these with people!!!#there will be at least 5 parts in total maybe more idk#i just wanted to illustrate this little snippet of the first fic#maybe i'll draw more of these if i get another vision#i am still trying to work on the animatic so that would probs include most of my visions anyway#i think im gonna post a wip sometime soon just in case i lose interest#also i crave validation and reading people's tags and comments makes me so so so happy!!!><#btw it kinda feels nice posting something like. after a while#cos it's been quite a bit since i finished this first.. part? page? thingy#and it's nice to finally stay out of the whole instant gratification thing#please do still go crazy in the tags tho? if u want?#mkay enough rambling for today i've got things to do#like be cozy n read fanfics n drink water n stuff yk?#all the important thingz#and who knows maybe i'll even make some progress on.. whatever it is that piques my interest today#bye for now!!! take care and have a very orange day <3#art tag or whatever
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iâve done another silly little doodle :3
#this one is of aj#because fine#heâs barely shown at all#like two episodes#maybe three if youâre being generous#however#we canât pretend like his character design isnât sick as hell????#ok for the most part i was just doing this to mess around with procreateâs animation tool some more#but i got some really good requests today!!!#(thank you to everyone who sent me doodle ideas!!!! much much appreciated <3)#iâm gonna start working on those soon B)#anywho!!!!#the umbrella academy#tua#umbrella academy#hargreeves siblings#five hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#allison hargreeves#number five#luther hargreeves#ben hargreeves#aj carmicheal#tua s2#tua season 2
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I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :
-
(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )
#tumblr polls#hrmm... a little poll perhaps.. about a subject I find interesting.. since this image came across my facebook today#still really not feeling that well. no longer shaking violently and such but I still feel weird and weak much more than usual#They did say my markers for like infection or inflammation were elevated but that they werent sure of the cause so hopefully#it's nothing too serious. they did also say a lot of different things can cause that thing to be higher than normal but didn't go into spec#fics of what. maybe some of them are relatively benign or something. I still havent felt much back to normal since#I got really sick that one time though. I feel fine on and off but then little bouts of feeling weird and sick happen. hrmmm#ANYWAY.. looking for small ways to be productive. such as little doodles on evil ipad or editing game videos#or posting polls or cat pictures or some other like not very labor intensive things#I WISH I COULD FOCUS on writing HHRGGhh... I need to finish my game.. it would be so freeing.. a project that's been looming#over my head for like 5 years even though througouht that 5yrs I've probably spent a total of 3 months working on it lo.. ANYWAY#I still partially really cannot beleive that people CAN see stuff in their heads. There's always part of me that's thinking like. well mayb#e everyone DOES see the same exact thing but we just describe/conceptualize it so differently that we think we're talking about#different things when we're really not. But I have been assured by people I've talked to about it that they can GENUINELY really see#stuff in their heads like as vivid as an actual picture in real life or something. And the other senses are neat too. Like for exmaple I#can hear in my head much better than I can see imagery. I still CANNOT hear vividly like as if I were listening to actual music out loud..#but I think it's developed more than my sight. AND interesting how this varies the creative process. a friend I was talking to on the phone#said they write by literally just watching stuff play before them like a movie. where my process is COMPLETELY different. AND that affects#the content/what details we focus on as well as our individual styles of writing have differences that can be traced back to that.. hrmm
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Cockpit Conversation Analysis
So I just wanted to go over my thoughts on this conversation cause I think people miss out on a few things. It's the first conversation we see between Curly and Jimmy when it's just the two of them. Before it happens we're told that Jimmy has been difficult with Anya, making her job harder and saying things that are sexual harassment (if the cartoon horse question isn't actually on the eval). We go into the conversation with the framing that Jimmy and Curly are friends. They've known each other for a long time and Curly is confident Jimmy won't bullshit him. Except on the way to the cockpit we get Curly's one and only bizarro moment and it's an expression of fear and anxiety. With this context in mind let's look at the actual conversation.
Transcript from @familiarartistname they're awesome for providing these.
I've already talked about these lines a bit but to sum up Jimmy asks Curly to fake it and Curly refuses to forcing him to go through the eval.
What I want to point out for this post is that Jimmy's not wrong in his assessment of how useless the psych evals are. I think his general irritation with the eval helps mask his disdain for Anya. Especially if being attracted to cartoon horses is an actual question in universe and not just an easter egg on the in game eval sheet. If it is I think this is part of why Curly and Anya don't take Jimmy as seriously as they should here.
I also think it's important to note how and when Curly bends the rules. He'll do Jimmy's eval for Anya but he won't make up answers for Jimmy. I think this is an example of the balancing act that Curly is engaged in as captain.
These next lines are interesting to me. One is that Curly seems to take separation of what PE needs to know and not know. He makes it clear that whatever Jimmy says here is not going to be repeated to the company. He does something similar for Anya when he thinks she took the gun during a breakdown over the layoffs. Notably he doesn't open up to Anya during his own eval. I wouldn't be surprised if part of the reason he doesn't is because of a lack of this distinction. This is also another example of Curly doing that balancing act of being a captain. Managing what the company should know while protecting his coworkers' mental health.
The other interesting part is Jimmy's answer to the question. He likes it cause they're in control here. I think Jimmy is the most positive about working for PE and it's all because he feels in control. I think people miss it but Jimny is happy for the most part pre layoff. He's in control what more could he want?
I think it's interesting that he says this because on paper Jimmy's not in control. I've seen people call Jimmy Curly's co-captain but he's not. He's just the co-pilot and by the looks of things isn't actually of higher rank than the rest of the crew. Post crash it takes 2 months for him to take the captain title and he gets push back from the others. If he did outrank them or was co-captain leadership would have instantly passed to him but it doesn't. Yet Jimmy says "We're in control" because Curly's control is his control because he controls/leeches off of Curly. I think this line is our first warning sign that something's not quite right with their relationship.
This part of the conversation has a lot going on even though it's so few lines. First it tells us that Jimmy liking the job is unexpected because he's struggled in the past and people praise Curly as a captain and Jimmy doesn't like that.
Focusing on Jimmy's line I think this is the first line that people pick up on that their friendship is strange because who tells their friend people praising them is annoying? If you look at the flow of the conversation there's no reason for Jimmy to bring this up as well. It goes "How are you?" "Great" "That's unexpected because of your past" "Yeah well people praising you is annoying". They're not talking about Curly or how people see him as a captain. Jimmy brings it up and calls it annoying simply to hurt Curly.
Jimmy takes Curly bringing up his struggles as an attack so he attacks back by making him feel bad about something good. Remember that when Jimmy brings this up during the birthday scene he misquotes Curly as saying "struggle of a life" when that's not what Curly said at all. That's how Jimmy felt about it though. This also isn't the last time Jimmy uses Curly's success as a captain as a weapon against him either. The way Jimmy does this is also very emotionally abusive. Jimmy isn't just framing praise for Curly as bad but bad because it upsets Jimmy. It might not seem like much but comments like these are links in a chain, they add up together.
For Curly's part of the conversation I've seen interesting interpretations of what those "struggles" were but I think we do lose some context sometimes. It's important to remember that Curly thinks Jimmy's struggles would've led him to dislike being a freighter pilot. Meaning his struggles are most likely more personal in nature.
So Jimmy switches topics again by asking Curly what's bothering him. Jimmy also does this during the birthday party scene. He seems very intune with Curly's emotions able to see past any attempts to hide it and see that he's upset. Which does indicate their closeness and friendship.
As for the last line looking at this transcript made me realize how much the fandom associates this suicidal imagery with Curly even though it's Jimmy who says it. In fact I don't think Curly ever describes his feelings like this it's always Jimmy who says it about Curly. This is a very odd way to ask your friend why he seems upset and iirc the next time Jimmy brings this imagery up to Curly is right before he attempts a murder-suicide.
(The line "And that's bad?" should be green as that's Jimmy.)
Curly's answer to Jimmy's question is very interesting because it's not uncommon for people his age to feel this way. We spend the first part of our lives growing into, discovering, and establishing the people we're going to be. When we hit our 30s/40s it's natural to look over who you've become and what you've made for yourself and ask "Am I satisfied with this?" I think for Curly he's leaning towards "no".
It's not that Curly thinks he's above his job, he's just not satisfied in it. It's like how Swansea isn't satisfied with the life of a family man even though society says that's the "right" way to live. Curly is weighing the risks and benefits of staying in a steady job he's successful at vs starting over with something that will satisfy him even if he's not conventionally successful at it. It's a heavy decision to make and we know from the dlc for How Fish Are Made that Curly regrets not changing sooner.
As for Jimmy's response, he in fact doesn't get it. It's fascinating how Jimmy took Curly's words about life satisfaction and turned it into being about career success and hierarchy. Curly's feelings have nothing to do with reaching the top of his career but Jimmy can't see this. Jimmy sees the world through Capitalist/Patriarchal hierarchies and has a habit of projecting his feelings/pov onto others. This is the closest he can get to understanding where Curly is in his life right now. Which makes sense because Jimmy comes from poverty and has struggled in the past he's not at the same life stage as Curly.
It's also fascinating that again we see imagery that the fandom associates with Curly being something Jimmy says about Curly and that Curly never expresses. The only time this imagery comes up for Curly iirc is his bizzaro sequence leading up to this conversation with Jimmy. The ladder is a metaphor Jimmy imposes on Curly. He also kind of imposes this sense of ambition onto Curly. Like it's only natural that after reaching the top of one ladder a man would look for a new ladder to climb.
There's something about the last thing Jimmy says here that is necessary to point out because I think people miss it. Jimmy turns the conversation back to himself. He's made Curly's feelings about himself and once again made Curly's feelings in opposition to his own. Curly's dissatisfaction while being at the top vs Jimmy still climbing.
Lastly Curly knows Jimmy doesn't get it. "Something like that" indicates Jimmy's interpretation isn't right and later in the birthday party scene Curly reinforces this by saying things like "what I was trying to tell you". So yeah Curly knows that Jimmy doesn't understand him but doesn't try to explain further.
Curly's last bit of dialog in this scene is him comforting Jimmy. Remember how I said Jimmy recenters himself despite the conversation at this point being about Curly? This is what I mean. Jimmy asked Curly to be vulnerable with him and Curly ends up comforting Jimmy. Jimmy gives Curly no words of reassurance here, in fact Curly doesn't even get understanding.
In comparison see my Dead Pixel analysis where even though Curly doesn't see the pixel he still believes Anya and aligns with her opinion of the screen being nice. There's no alignment here between Curly and Jimmy, they are talking about 2 different things and it's one sided in Jimmy's favor. In the Dead Pixel convo notice how Anya continues to open up to him, she goes from the pixel to the time left to the locks. Curly in comparison stops trying.
This line also establishes Curly's belief in Jimmy. A belief that even this conversation demonstrates that he shouldn't have. But it's subtle and I can't blame Curly for missing all the things wrong here when so many of the fandom misses it too. We give the conversation the benefit of the doubt because they're friends and we don't know the full scope of Jimmy yet. It's also interesting cause this is the only time Curly says he believes in Jimmy outright and yet the way he believes Anya about Jimmy brings up questions for another time.
Alright last bit and it's from Jimmy himself. So two things from those first lines. One we have Jimmy back to feeling good from Curly's belief in him. A reminder that back when he was asked how he was doing he was fine. Jimmy's feelings are the priority here. Two we see Jimmy's insecurities in here. He's insecure about how his eval comes across. He's very insecure about how he's precieved which comes up again and again through his obsession with reputation, being a hero, and being a patriarch. I also think this points to where his struggles might be in. The evals are labeled as psychological but the actual questions are about employee productivity. Which part of that Jimmy is worried about I'm not sure.
Then we get the message from corporate and Jimmy is instantly out of there. Which brings me back to the beginning. Jimmy likes it there cause "we're in control" and yet when the responsibility of that control shows up he excuses himself. Granted there may be a rule that no one else can be in the room when messages come in but that reinforces the fact that Jimmy doesn't have any power on paper. He's not a co-captain. Jimmy's sense of control comes from his power over Curly.
So yeah my final thoughts? This conversation is unhealthy and it's the nicest conversation we see Jimmy have with the actual Curly. We get a little joking around here and there but one on one longer convos? This is as nice as it gets. In context Curly experiences feelings of fear, anxiety, and isolation on his way to this conversation. It's full of unhealthy moments and the one sided prioritizing of Jimmy's feelings. The status quo for them has not changed yet. If this is an example of what their average conversations are like their relationship is emotionally abusive.
Imagine having a friendship where you have to always prioritize your friend's emotions over your own. Where if you say something that bothers them they take verbal potshots at you. Where they make you feel guilty for being more successful. Where they make your vulnerabilities about them. It's like I said it's links in a chain. By themselves it's not a problem but together over time these behaviors will do damage to a person.
And putting this conversation back into context this is one of three verbally abusive moments we witness in the span of a week. And there are indicators that in each that these abusive behaviors aren't new. Curly in this conversation doesn't question Jimmy claiming control or the "praise for you is annoying" comment. None of this is weird to him and that's a bad sign. Abusive behavior was already normalized on the Tulpar, it was a powder keg waiting to happen.
#If you wonder why Curly reacts so weirdly to Anya's abuse this is part of why#Jimmy's abusive behavior is already normal to Curly and his responses to that abuse are well established#Looking at this conversation you see that he's already trained to prioritize Jimmy's emotions#He does it here and he does it with Anya#Jimmy can say what he wants to Curly but Curly has to be careful with Jimmy#We also see that Jimmy was projecting onto Curly hard even before the layoffs#He does it like 3 times in this one conversation#Curly and Jimmy should have never been working together#And I don't mean that Curly shouldn't have helped his friend get a job#Though maybe he shouldn't have set him up at PE because no one should work at PE but that is a different conversation#No PE should have never allowed friends or family to work together in a long term isolated environment#It is a breeding ground for abuse as is but putting pre-established relationships through it scales up the rusk by magnitudes#Like if Curly and Jimmy's friendship wasn't abusive before PE being stuck together in an isolated space helped make it so#Just picture your friend starting to treat you badly and you get away from them#you're separated from your support network and you have to work with them or the company will punish you#Being Captain can't help you when you're discouraged from seeking help for your own abuse#This analysis took far too long#I does these on my phone and had to redo a whole section because my signal at work sucked đ#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#abuse#captain curly
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fr though you have to write bad poetry. poems are not handed down to you fully formed by god they are things that you have to work on and practice your skill at creating. nobody would expect you to sit down at a pottery wheel and end up with a perfect vase with no practice. it's a skill! art is a learned thing!! you have to make the shitty little pots with dents and marks and your fingerprints all over them in order to get better. and you're allowed to be proud of those first little pots you made too
#yeah maybe they leak or they don't look the prettiest but you literally made them...#people are so critical of their own + other people's amateur poetry in a way that they are not about so many other art forms#when someone starts crochet they are not expected to pop out perfect pieces immediately.#you don't start dance lessons and pull out a perfect pirouette. there's practice to be done and just because it's not physical#doesn't mean it's not a craft that has to be honed. you have to work at it.#and to work at it you have to be kind enough to yourself to let yourself be mediocre or outright bad. you Have to be#it's never a failure because anything you create is Something You Created and therefore a success#but y'know. the philosophy of you have to be prepared to fail. falling is part of getting back up all that#except that bad poetry will never hurt you it will ONLY ever help you improve <3 so keep writing it <3#you don't have to post it either the attention economy is so evil... keep it to yourself. and if sharing poetry is a thing you want to do#you can always wait until you feel confident in your work to do so. or show the people you love your bad poems.#cause people who love you will see your hard work and love it regardless. y'know?#not poetry
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for such is the price of knowledge
(based on my headcanon that ford has a prosthetic eye)
#ford no depth perception king he can see hummingbird colours but canât tell how far away objects are#this was originally gonna be part of a much longer comic but i got burnt out on it lmao so yâall just get this#maybe iâll finish it one day it was essentially just mabel discovering ford has a prosthetic eye and asking how it happens cut to this page#and then maybe a panel of ford staring wistfully at the bill stained glass in the shack or smthn#really tried to push myself with working with limited contrasting colours on this one neon blood is harder than it looks to pull off#gravity falls#gravity falls fanart#billford#ford pines#stanford pines#bill cipher#the book of bill#journal 3#cw: gore#eye trauma#cw: eye trauma
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waiting for marvel to take you up as their comic artist so that we can have amazing art with cherik official storyline
marvel hire me to draw professor x and magneto making out sloppy style for forty issues straight you will get a BAJILLION dollars i promise
#fave#snap chats#'professor x' what are you a cop. moving on#vjeLKVJEALKV thank you much my friend one can only dream .....#you know whats so funny tho this just reminds me how like. My Number One Cheerleader was my highschool english teacher#she also ran the comic club in case thats relevant. because i was a part of that club OBVIOUSLY#i used to want to be a comic book artist but now i dont but anyway as a part of this club we'd have to draw comics sometimes#and alllll the time my teach would be so happy to get my stuff and she'd always be like#'[Snap] please promise me you'll never give up comics i want to read a comic from you one day' and stuff like that#i think id throw up laughing if i got to email her one day like 'omg hey teach 1.) im not a moody teenager anymore#2.) i got to work for marvel check it out <3' and i have to send her old man yaoi JLVKEJLKAEVJE#FUNNIEST TIMELINE IN THE WORLD I'D ACTUALLY DIE LIKE PLEAAAASSEE THATS ALL I COULD EVER WANT IN LIFE#on the realest note tho i didnt appreciate her enthusiasm enough. i wish i could tell her thank you someday#i think of her a lot whenever im in the dumps about my work she really is one of my biggest motivators#like i guess i COULD just shoot an email. maybe if i actually do something cool with comics or something#i dont even know if she remembers me so it'd just be bizarre wouldnt it#ANYWAYS. sappy story time's over theres a matcha crepe cake with my name on it BYYYYYEEEEE
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a couple years ago, i was told that i would be a miracle. something theoretical i guess.
#yogscast#the yogscast#lalna#lividcoffee#lalnable hector#yoglabs#did anyone miss my bullshit (putting yl lalna(ble) in vocasynth songs) cause if you did#well firstly you mustve missed the other one#secondly heres some more food#genuinely i considered redrawing like 5 more parts of this song but im so tired i need to post this on its own and Maybe Later do the rest#flashing#flashing /#also im sorry if the coloured text doesnt work on your version of the theme </3 i use low contrast classic so#idk what itll look like for everyone else
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Wei Wuxian and Narrative Agency â Part Two
For Xiantober Day Three: Conviction (of a sort)... in which the author temporarily forgets to focus on narrative agency or on Wei Wuxian, in favour of analysing relevant themes and characters that relate to Wei Wuxian. But he does get focus, and again, contextualising him is why iâm exploring these other things, so no harm done.
(Part One | Part Three | Full version on AO3)
Itâs Not Just Optimism: Resentment and Self-DefinitionÂ
Before we discuss the narrative again, letâs take a break to discuss one of my other favourite aspects of Wei Wuxian. Weâve seen how the narrative treats tragedy, and weâll soon explore how it reflects Wei Wuxianâs views on tragedy. But what actually are these views?Â
Because the thing is â the narrative and plot can emphasise agency and choice all it likes, but focusing solely on that leaves out the character. And itâs Wei Wuxianâs character that deserves the credit for how he defines himself (âŠin-universe). If someone had gone through everything he had, who could blame them for being unable to keep going, unable to let go of resentment, unable to see anything that was still worth living for, to see any value in altruism?
(Also, I do have to emphasise this: you can have perfectly healthy coping mechanisms, but still get extremely traumatised. Everyone has a limit to what they can take, that limit differs, and that isnât your fault. It just so happens that Wei Wuxianâs limit is extremely high (and even he reaches it when everything falls apart in such quick succession near the end of his first life!))
This isnât something thatâs ignored in MDZS. We see multiple characters who have gone through similar levels of suffering as Wei Wuxian, or even less suffering than him*, who do react in some of the ways mentioned above. Whether or not the narrative condemns them depends on if they hold onto resentment from their tragedies and use it to harm others â Xiao Xingchen and Qin Su, for example, arenât condemned for their suicides (nor should they be, suicide/suicidal ideation isnât anything anyone should be blamed for), because nobody was intentionally hurt as a result. But people like Xue Yang, who was treated cruelly and senselessly lost his finger, but went on to murder an entire clan as a result; or Jin Guangyao, who remembered the slights against him and his mother down to the exact wording of Jin Guangshanâs dismissal of her freedom, which may have justly hurt him but also unjustly lead him to both burn down a brothel and (separately) kill or imprison multiple innocent prostitutes; or Jiang Cheng, whose resentment for Wei Wuxian due to the latterâs actions lead him to harm many others after his death simply because they were similar**, are condemned.
Why mention this? Well, these different reactions show it isnât just a quirk of the universe that people are more tolerant to pain â Wei Wuxianâs reactions are a deliberate choice on the part of MXTX, not a writing flaw stemming from misunderstanding the severity of trauma***. But more importantly, many of these characters deliberately foil Wei Wuxian, and so they can give us a good insight into what sets him apart from them (or rather, from the characters who arenât completely broken by their pain, because that way we know it isnât simply a difference in tolerance but rather one in attitude). And as Iâve discussed, this has to do with accepting events and letting them go, rather than holding onto resentment.
Part of this may come from differences in personality (though thatâs never an excuse for hurting others) â but, though Jiang Yanli may claim Wei Wuxian was someone âborn with a smiling lookâ (Chapter 24, EXR), there are two philosophies Wei Wuxian consciously holds onto that have to do with this attitude:
âLet the self judge the right and wrongs, let others decide whether to praise or blame, let gains and losses remain uncommented on.â Chapter 75, EXR translation
âRemember the things others do for you, not the things you do for others. Only when people don't hold so much in their hearts would they finally feel free.â Chapter 113, EXR translationÂ
And crucially, these ideas directly contrast the actions and mindsets of the antagonists above. All three focus on their âgains and lossesâ, with their suffering at the hands of others being a major motive to harm those others/those affiliated with those others (Xue Yangâs finger; the slights against Jin Guangyao and his mother due to the latterâs job; Wei Wuxianâs âbetrayalâ and his role in Jiang Yanliâs death, as well as false blame on him for the deaths of Jiang Chengâs parents, and Jiang Chengâs inferiority complex). Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng are also very focused on their reputation, or in other words, on whether âothers decide (âŠ) to praise or blameâ them (according to Chapter 10 of the EXR translation, in what seems to be omniscient POV heading into Jiang Chengâs, the latter âcared about maintaining his reputation above anything elseâ. Meanwhile, much of Jin Guangyaoâs actions were taken to protect his reputation, including the brothel burning, as a part of the aim was to conceal which brothel he grew up in (Chapter 104)).Â
Additionally, much of Jin Guangyaoâs resentment stems from how others treat (âblam[ing]â him, insulting him), compared to how they treat others (âprais[ing]â them):
âBut do you know what it was that made me lose hope completely? Iâll answer your first question now. It wasnât that Iâd never be worth a single hair on Jin ZiXuan or one of the holes in Jin ZiXun, it wasnât that he took back Mo XuanYu, it wasnât that he tried every possible way to make me a mere figurehead either. It was the truth he once told the maid beside me when he was out indulging himself again.â Chapter 105, EXR
Though the other points didnât make him lose hope completely, the implication is that they did affect him too (as shown by how he speaks about them), with Jin Guangshanâs words about Meng Shi being the final straw. âLos[ing] hopeâ here of course relates to holding onto resentment, as Jin Guangyaoâs loss of hope is what led him to murder out of his hatred.
Finally, both Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng also hold resentment due to holding onto what theyâve done for others, or even onto who they themselves are, without being treated accordingly â and though it makes sense to be hurt by all these things and these reactions are valid, the pain from holding that in your heart and the danger from holding onto it is precisely why MDZS condemns it:
âWhy is it that even if I face everyone with a smile, I might not even receive the lowest form of respect, while even though your father was extremely arrogant, people flocked to him? Could you tell me why we were born from the same person but your father could relax at home with the love of his life playing with his child, while I never even dared be alone for long with my wife, shivering out of fright at first glance of my son? And I was ordered to do such a thing by my father as if it was naturalâto kill an extremely dangerous figure who could flip out and conjure up a bloody massacre with his corpses anytime! âWhy is it that even though we were born on the same day, Jin GuangShan could host a grand banquet for one son, and watch with his own eyes how his subordinate kicked his other son down Koi Tower, from the first stair to the last!â Chapter 105, EXR
(He brings up his role in Wei Wuxianâs downfall due to this as well, in addition to creating any excuse he can to absolve himself of othersâ blame â heâs being treated unjustly and hated for something heâs done, even though he was ordered to do that thing by his father and it made sense!)
Jiang Cheng, âAre you stupid? You only counted the time to return and not the time to go there? Let alone the fact that after I got there I had to lead people and search through the entire mountain for the old banyan tree, then dig open the hole that got blocked up by Wen Chao and his people, and rescue you within seven days. Whereâs your gratitude?!â (âŠ) He raised his voice, âYou killed the Xuanwu of Slaughter together with Lan WangJi, bathing in blood! How great is that?! But what about me?!â He punched his fist into a pillar in the hall, clenching his teeth, âïżœïżœ I have also been running around for days, completely exhausted, with not one second of rest!â Chapter 56, EXR
(And, a bonus to show this being a part of Jiang Chengâs mindset without stemming from being hurt by a specific event, even when heâs being encouraging:)
âSo it seems that both of you killed it together. Whatâs yours is yours. Why would you give him all the credit?â Chapter 56, EXR
(This moment is a nice display of the contrast between Wei Wuxianâs and Jiang Chengâs mindsets as well, with the former focusing on what Lan Wangji (âothersâ) did for him instead of seeking credit for his role!)
To repeat â of course these feelings are understandable, and Iâm not blaming them for feeling this way. What I am placing blame on is letting those feelings drive you to murder many innocent prostitutes, or to let this sense of a debt youâre owed (which is what the philosophy is actually warning away from, because if you hold onto what you do for others, the natural expectation is that theyâre indebted to you and should do something for you as a result) turn into resentment towards someone for not acting the way you think they should, leading you to help murder them, even if your sister sacrificed herself specifically to save their life.
This is the danger of holding onto resentment. And are these actions not a choice? Would you, independent of MDZS, absolve someone of a crime because their âpersonality just leads them that wayâ?
The same is true for acting on these two philosophies, and letting resentment go. And itâs all the more impressive when someone has as much potential resentment to hold onto as Wei Wuxian does.
Of course, Wei Wuxian himself isnât completely infallible â which further supports the idea that this isnât just a natural, unalterable quirk, since we see him act contradictory to his usual self as well. But the narrativeâs view of resentment in these moments doesnât change. Importantly, the times he does let resentment drive what heâs doing, during the Sunshot Campaign and Nightless City (as well as him being quick to anger at Phoenix Mountain, etc), it isnât presented as in the right**** â and though he still lets go of it quickly enough to protect a group related to the one that hurt him (people of the Wen sect, the cultivators who participated in the Siege), it doesnât prevent the harm done during these times. Additionally, the times he metaphorically canât control and reign in his resentment in the form of guidao â at Qiongqi Path and, again, at Nightless City â pain is caused to innocents (Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli). This is what his internal thoughts have to say when he comes across cultivators gossiping about him, shortly after Wen Qing and Wen Ning have sacrificed themselves:
No matter what he did, not a single good word would come out of these peopleâs mouths. When he won, others feared; when he lost, others rejoiced. Chapter 77, EXR
Heâs hurt by other people praising and blaming him! Holding onto this philosophy isnât automatic, that decision isnât simply encoded within him somehow.
But that brings us to another relevant theme: that these characters arenât infallible, because theyâre not mythical creatures or concepts brought to life. Everyone is human.
However, although he thought that his heart was like a stone, in the end, he was still human, not some emotionless grass or plant. Chapter 8, EXR
OuYang ZiZhen, âHanGuang-Jun, why did Senior Wei collapse?â Lan WangJi, âFatigue.â Lan JingYi was amazed, âI thought that Senior Wei would never get tired!â The other boys felt somewhat astonished as well. That the legendary YiLing Patriarch could collapse from fatigue from dealing with walking corpsesâthey all thought that the YiLing Patriarch should be able to settle them with just a snap of his fingers. However, Lan WangJi shook his head. He only said four words, âWe are all human.â They were all human. How could a human be tireless? How could they stand forever? Chapter 84, EXR
Even with Wei Wuxianâs temperament, even with his attitude, heâs still human! Just as heâs not immune from being affected by harsh words to do with his past, just as heâs not immune from being affected by exhaustion, heâs not immune to being hurt by or angry at his circumstances. As we see in the Sunshot Campaign and at Nightless City, heâs not immune to dwelling on his misfortunes, to being driven by his hurt and anger and by resentment he holds onto (consciously! At Nightless City, Wei Wuxian deliberately accepts the curses thrown at him, because âanger was the only thing that could suppress the other feelings within his heartâ (Chapter 78)).Â
But nearly always, he chooses not to. The Wen remnants he saved were innocent, yes, and Wen Ning and Wen Qing helped him previously â but in his second life, he couldâve easily kept holding onto his resentment and left the cultivators who besieged him, who killed him and those under his protection, to die at the Second Siege. But he didnât! He held true to his own philosophy, to judge the right and wrongs yourself independent of what others do, and saved them.
Because this is whatâs important to him, because this is how he wishes to act in the present, and because he doesnât let himself be defined by the tragedies he went through.
The donkey seemed as if it knew that he wasnât in a great mood [due to others bringing up what happened in his past], and for once, it wasnât being loud out of impatience. A moment of silence passed, and it turned around to leave. Wei WuXian sat by the stream, not responding at all. It turned around to look, throwing its hooves onto the ground, but Wei WuXian still paid no attention to it. The donkey had to come back sulkily, biting and tugging on the corner of Wei WuXianâs collar. He could choose to go, and he could choose to not go. Seeing that the donkey had [gone] as far as to use his mouth, Wei WuXian decided to follow him. Chapter 8, EXR*****
Immediately after this, heâll continue investigating the puzzle of Dafan Mountainâs night hunt; heâll come across a ghost, ask where itâs hurt and offer to take a look at it; heâll rush off to save Jin Ling and the Lan juniors, figuring out the truth behind the dancing goddess and being the only one to do so. Just as itâs more important to the narrative, this â quick thinking, problem solving, compassion, doing the right thing, even seeking out excitement â is what Wei Wuxian finds more important about his own self, and what he chooses to focus on.
Some final questions to end things.
If you saw Wei Wuxian, without any knowledge of what happened in MDZS, without any work done by the narrative structure or by knowledge of tropes â would you have expected the backstory he had? Would you expect his parents to have died when he was at an age where he could barely remember them? Would you expect him to have lived on the streets until he was nine years old, or to have been taken into an unjust and extremely volatile household, or to have (chosen to) lose the source of powers he was very proud of â shortly before he was thrown, now powerless, into the equivalent of hell for three months? Would you expect his first life to have ended because protecting innocents (knowingly) led to the entire world crusading against him, because their siege resulted in him being torn apart? Or would you not think of tragedy when it comes to this person who gleefully jokes and teases, whoâs so smart and competent and knows it, who doesnât focus on the negatives, who acts so confidently on his morals, who revels in life so much?
If you only saw Wei Wuxianâs backstory with no context of his character, would you expect him to remain this way?
And, if you saw Wei Wuxianâs actions in the present day, without knowing what tragedies happened in his past, would he feel like an incomplete character?
Itâs impossible to answer, of course â even in the present day, you get information about his past.
But Iâm inclined to say no.
(Part One | Part Three | Full version on AO3)
â
*But again, let me emphasise â especially in real life, doing the trauma olympics is never good! As I said, everyone has limits, everyoneâs limits differ, and just because one person can cope with something doesnât mean another person can, even with the same mechanisms. And that shouldnât lead to any judgement!
I say âespecially in real lifeâ because in fiction, some charactersâ experiences are often made similar or different to othersâ in order to parallel or foil them â in which case comparison is often the point. But trauma olympics (âthis person suffered x amount so the other person should be able to take it!!â) is still bad, guys (especially since, as with MDZS, those parallels or foils are often there to explore the harm they do to others as a result, not simply how much trauma they can take).
**My thoughts on rumours here. Tl;dr, if Jin Ling (someone whoâd want to defend him!) is saying he did (and that he ânever let anyone goâ â Chapter 24), if sources like Lan Wangji and Lan Sizhui act as if this is the case (Chapter 10 â to defend, you could say personal feelings play a role, but Lan Wangji especially is someone who knows not to, and explicitly doesnât, make judgements without conclusive evidence. Again, see my thoughts on rumours) â and if Jiang Cheng backs up this behaviour (eg by telling Jin Ling to kill every demonic cultivator he sees and feed them to his dogs in his introduction â Chapter 7), itâs probably not a simple unbased rumour. Thereâs enough evidence to support its veracity.
***However, do note that Wei Wuxian isnât an outlier, either â Lan Wangji, Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui (once he learns of his heritage) are all examples of other characters who arenât overcome or twisted by their pain, instead still aiming to make the world a better place. And this is Jin Lingâs whole arc, too!
****I delve a lot more deeply into this here!
*****The role this moment plays isnât actually something I caught myself â it came from a post about a reread of MDZSâ earlier chapters. I canât find it myself, but if anybody has the link, that would be great (so I can cite it)!
â
Also, a shoutout to this incredible meta by @righteousinadversity â itâs what made me want to delve into this aspect two years ago! Itâs still one of my favourite metas, and you enjoyed this, youâll definitely enjoy that, too.
#yes i did gush a bit at the end but itâs *xiantober* itâs the wwx gushing month!#also re âantagonistâ and jc â i donât want to get into discourse but there are two facts#1) an antagonist is someone who opposes or hinders the protagonists (regardless of their morality - eg L in death note is one)#2) jc is someone who does oppose and hinder the protagonists (capturing wwx in present day + being hostile to wangxian + besieging him in-#-his first life⊠and in his second life)#sure he isnât one CONSISTENTLY (not throughout a lot of the flashbacks + during the second siege + in guanyin temple)#but thatâs still a frequent role he PLAYS#regardless of how you think he should be presented or what you think heâs feeling â thatâs the function his actions serve in the novel#anyway fic for day two will come but itâs still being worked on â i was in an analysis mood today so decided to do this first#mdzs meta#my meta#mdzs#wei wuxian#mo dao zu shi#ééç„ćž#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#gdc#jin guangyao#jiang cheng#(<- a little scared of this tag but he does feature a lot)#xiantober day 3#this does admittedly feel less focused than the previous part but maybe iâll rewrite it later
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hehe. almost christmas!
#ace attorney tag#narumitsu#partial nudity /#2nd and 3rd things inspired by playing the first game and Uhh... why is phoenix accusing men of being lovers and being certain of it#and just generally containing the core of bisexuality within him#also there's that part i recall in maybe the..3rd game? where he's like Wow.. I'd Fall For Him Too... about that cinnamon swirl looking man#learnt lately that the writers upon learning that ace attorney was very popular with BL people immediately started reading BL#to understand the genre. i think phoenix would also do such Research in college. to Learn About People. About The World.#so now he feels that he has gaydar and is a good Ally etc. But actually maybe...you're also just bi too !#too bad you'll have to get kissed by a criminal to work that out! Hang in there <3#i reread my fic today !! I'm in the christmas mood now ! Sort of ! ooooh the 7 year gap.. at least we are in the 7 year gap years irl#Somewhere out there they ARE drinking wine romantically gazing at snow on a balcony in germany. thank GOD for that fr#so i shall be drawing things from THAT era next i need to depict men finally kissing NOW !!!!!!#can't do it with orufrey..can't draw cute happy romantic wintry art of them..didn't finish processing my current divorcecore arc era cycle
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hiiii ok question, are you guys still up for reading (new) stuff by me (not silently though!), if yes then raise a hand (or say anything at all pls) đ
#asking bc i've been absent so idk if ppl still think of this blog or wait for new stuff etc#but will def work on more if you're still interested ^^#if not i might dip for now and compartmentalise my energy :') i love writing but it's not easy atm#but can use all motivation ill get#(honestly maybe that's part of me not writing so much) (fearing i might've faded here lol)#anyway love you lmk!! <3
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