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womanhood2 · 9 months ago

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Can I ask/what led you to transitioning twice? If you've already answered then feel free to link me so you don't have to type it all out again! Thank you

No problem! I did type up a brief “about me” a few months ago when I started this blog, but I forgot to pin it and I don’t think it went very in-depth about my initial transition so I will go ahead and re-tell it in better depth.

I do want to clarify that my first transition was entirely social, and thus my first “detransition” would be considered desisting and not a formal, medical “detransition”. However, I say that I “detransitioned twice” to clarify that I changed my identity from and back to female on two separate occasions, as I feel like saying “desisted and detransitioned” could lead some people to believe that I simply started identifying as female and stopped hormones only once and at the same time.

But back to my initial transition. As I mentioned it was entirely social and almost entirely online, save for one person I knew in real life (my at-the-time boyfriend). This was 2014-2017 and in the rural American south- transgender was NOT a thing in our mainstream (by 2017 there were occasional mentions of it but it was still rather obscure and certainly not something that happened in middle or elementary schools). Homosexual relationships were barely tolerated. I should mention I was also a closeted lesbian/bisexual- I didn’t know at the time that those two labels were different, but I knew that I liked girls in a much different way than I “liked”(envied and wanted to be friends with) boys. The only reason I had the “boyfriend” that I mentioned earlier was so that I could make friends with more boys, as girls did NOT like me. This was for multiple reasons: 1) I was an undiagnosed autistic. I only “knew” how to talk about arthropods, horses, and anime. The preppy rich girls at the private k-12 school that I earned a scholarship to did not want to talk about any of those 2) as I mentioned before, I was a “scholarship student”(aka someone who did not have much money and was from a family that lived “out in the country”) which meant that I did not go on interesting vacations, have a boat that everyone could hang out on, wear super expensive clothes and makeup, ect and 3) (once everyone found out) I was a lesbian. Girls did not want to be near me once they learned that I had a crush on another girl. I will not go into heavy detail but there was also an incident where multiple girls who were part of a Christian worship group attacked me after school for being a lesbian. (That was not the only time I was attacked at school for not being straight, but the other time was by a boy. That time was more intense and the school got involved and I came within a hair of being outed to my parents.) On top of this, my family was HEAVILY involved in the Baptist church, and thus not open to anyone (let alone their child) being LGBT

So clearly, being openly gay or transgender was NOT an option in my environment if I valued my safety. Also, no child wants to loose the home and family that they love! Even if you are uncomfortable in your body and jealous every day of the boys that you go to school with, you are 12 (or 13 or 14 or 15) and you would still rather have a bed to sleep in at night and food and parents that do not hit you most of the time than nothing. (That is another trend I tend to see with these openly trans children- none of them seem to have parents who would hit or abuse them for “acting out of line”, “associating that with our family”, ect…. Heh, they really don’t know “oppression”.)

So what was I to do in such a hostile environment? Go to the Internet of course! Online forums where I first learned of being transgender and already had transgender friends there- except some of my irl friend already knew my account names, and I couldn’t risk them telling their parents. So I made new accounts on the same sites but with a different name, pronouns, and often a different age. Eventually I told my online friends about my new accounts, but kept them hidden from my irl friends so that my irl friends only knew my first account (where I was a girl) and my online friends interacted with my through my new account (where I was a boy). I firmly believed that I was supposed to be a boy, and thought that when I got away from my parents, I would be able to transition and all my problems would be solved. Every night I would pray to God that he would make me intersex or make my body produce more testosterone somehow, so that I would look and sound more like a boy, since it would be years before I would be able to transition. I would “practice binding” using methods I saw online (such as the “sports bra method”) when my parents were asleep. (TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM) I should mention that I also experienced severe dysphoria involving my genitals, and would self harm them.

I should note that I WAS seeing a therapist at the time but she only diagnosed me with social anxiety (not even autism! Despite me telling her about how every child in my school hated me and I had no friends) and eventually for the abuse that my siblings and I were experiencing from our parents (my stepmom specifically would become violent towards me and later my brother during my middle and early high school years). So why didn’t I tell her about the gender dysphoria and self harm? Simple! We were still in the south, and she was a……. You guessed it! Christian “therapist”. 🫠

Right before high school (I was 15) I went on a field trip where I had to spend a lot of time with the girls in my grade. It made me soooooo dysphoric but I could not tell anyone because of the risk that it posed to my safety if my parents found out. I was terrified and so convinced that all the girls somehow knew that I was actually trans, even though I was still dressing (somewhat) like a girl and using a girls name. I thought that they knew that I knew I was trans, and they hated me for continuing to pretend to be a girl. Being with the boys during the times that I could on that trip made me feel so much better. It relieved me to pretend to be one of them, even if from the shadows. That trip really “cemented” in me that I was actually a boy, so when I got home from the trip I decided that I needed to break the news to my boyfriend (we were not allowed to have our phones for the duration of the trip). I don’t remember the conversation very well, but it went something like this.

Me: Hey, I love you and I need to tell you something

Him: Sure, what is it?

Me: I’m pretty sure I am actually a boy.

Him: No you are not.

Me: I really think I am. None of the girls like me and I don’t act like a girl or enjoy girly things. I am sorry if you don’t love me for this.

Him: I would love you even if you were a boy, but you’re not a boy. I am a boy, so if you were a boy I would know. If you tell everyone that you are a boy, then the boys will try to hurt you. I want don’t want to see you be hurt, especially by my friends. Please don’t tell anyone that you think you’re a boy.

It hurt me to hear from my closest friend that he did not believe I was a boy, and that boys/men would not accept me as one of them. However, this did not change my mind. I knew that we were in high school and this boyfriend would probably break up with me eventually. But I did heed his advice and continued not to tell anyone in real life that I believed I was a transgender boy/man.

As for my first detransition/desisting… It’s kind of hard to explain. I remember it but it was rather insignificant compared to what I’ve heard other people go through. It was maybe a year after I “came out” to the now ex-boyfriend. I was in the hallway in my school. The boys were walking past me and I realized they were taller than me now. I was jealous, so jealous, as my hight dysphoria was probably the most intense (possibly second to the genital dysphoria) dysphoria that I experienced. And then I just… made the realization. I realized that at this point it was too late for testosterone already. If I wanted to have a man’s body, I would have needed the hormones years ago. By the time I would be able to get hormones and be able to transition, it would already be too late. I would never catch up. What was the point of chasing something unattainable?

So I went inactive on my trans accounts. I did give my new discord (where I would be cis) to some of the people who knew me on those accounts but it was only very few, only 2 or 3 of which I still talk to today.

Internally, it was a slow process. It started with just joking about being a girl. Then eventually, one day I went into the women’s restroom and realized I didn’t feel like an imposter! Then the “women in STEM” craze came along and I realized maybe I could feel more like a women with these girls. I learned to love my tiny breasts once they started to develop. I learned that not shaving my facial or body hair (something that I had always HATED being forced to do) did not make me more of a man or less of a woman. I still have dysphoria involving my hips, height, and genitals.

So that was my first transition and desisting. I did not expect it to be so long! As for my second transition and consequent detransition, it is unfortunately darker, and involves sexual abuse, manipulation, and drugs and thus I will be making a second post about it since this one is already quite lengthy and contains some heavy content.

#Detransition #mine #long post #child abuse

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maguro13-2 · 1 year ago

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Legacy of Shinra ~ Origins of the Ink the Demon Chapter 1 Pt. 7 (1/2)

"Around 5 years, things changed since the arrival of the Ink Demon."

"After my meeting with my old partner Ashley, I attended that living in a foreign country called America has a meaning of what am I about to do. This is could lead me to live in the U.S State of Massachusetts. But Nevada?...Pfft! Yeah, right. Living in a wasteland full of less trees, deserts, and a town full of casinos isn't the type of land for a smart witch to call it home."

"Some say that Nevada is being called the home of Death because of this entity's lifestyle as a so-called death god named Shinigami, the devil's creation and leader of an organization called Death Weapon Meister Academy, a school that was mysteriously created to maintain the public order and is currently heavily influenced by the United Nations Government."

"My theory is that this school was a training facility for humans that have these strange abilities called weapons, which is a mysterious power system, and those that wield those beings are called meisters. Why in the world would anyone want to create a world without the vibe called Despair and what is the connection between the school and the Kusakabe Legacy? The answers are only a mile away."

Spirit Albarn [from dressing room] : Look, Maka! This is our big day here at Fullmetal Alchemist studio Bones! This is our big debut on TV and we needed to get it together! Please! We'll be working harder as we can!

Kimial Diehl : [knocks on the door] Maka? It's me, Kimial. The girl from around 5 years ago? Do you remember that we first met since the debut of us? Is everything okay in there?

[door opens]

Maka Albarn : You called? I was having a private meeting with father and friends. What do you know about something?

Kimial Diehl : Listen, ever since Soul World was somehow debuted about around 5 years prior, do you believe to happen something last night in 2004? My friend from Nintendo told me that a demon came out of nowhere and said that he is currently your target.

Maka Albarn : Me? A demon that proclaims me as it's "Target"? What demon did you just saw?

Kimial Diehl : You know, made of ink. And some say that the Black Blood Medusa created is also ink itself! And that is what demon's blood was made for, right? Black Blood and Ink have shared the same traits as our red blood to humans, witches, and demons that aren't alike to inky blackness.

Maka Albarn : And that's what attacked you on that night? the demon that is entirely made out of ink? And Black Blood is somehow related to it? You're just making up sense to thinking all of that crazy stories were nothing meant to be a false one. But if you think that's true, I suggest that you're willing to find out if you have what it takes to find those whereabouts around the country.

Kimial Diehl : The reason that I have joined your school as an extra for the cast of Soul World, because I want to know any more information what is the connection between DWMA and the Kusakabe Legacy! Please, Maka! I beg you to understand if you have any involvements with the legacy! You gotta believe to understand it!

Maka Albarn : Yeah, right! If I have the time to listen to the words of a witch like you, I would be surprisingly to hear the truth from my mother that I never got to see in my entire life. Now go do your little Tanuki business with your girlfriend and wait for your appearance as an extra for the whole cast of the show!

Kimial Diehl : But, Maka, I--

Maka Albarn : Now, you excuse me, I have a show to do! [closes door]

[cuts to Kimial and Ashley sitting at a bar]

Kimial Diehl : Oh, I can't believe that Maka had the nerves to never let me handle the truth! I don't know why being a hero makes her so popular if she was still involved with the Kusakabe Legacy! Doesn't anyone give me a reason to answer all of that? Just to believe that I would go beyond my levels to think how being a hero would be so diffuclt to thinking the witches were the enemies to them? Why make witches be the villains of the story? Isn't that the world of Soul Eater was about after it was created by Shinra Kusakabe?

Ashley : Probably that much. I say that Maka herself is letting everyone astray but for answers to made, "Devil" this, "Devil" that, always making this Shinra person the "Devil is a lie" guy. Your author was curious that he wouldn't know that Shinra was the one that created her little world of hers, if she hasn't been that much of a greater character her mangaka would make, she would be spitting a tons of bricks by now. So, did you find out what the Gorgon Sisters were planning?

Kimial Diehl : Well, I found out that one of those baddies were on a path to murder-genocide, Medusa on the other hand, was going to commit another crime, she hired a bunch of random witches including a werewolf while she enforces a mothered kid named Crona, who presumes to be the childhood friend of Maka, and is being used to collect souls of becoming what, a "Kishin"?

Ashley : Don't be jealous, We witches are sick and tired of that same "Kishin" crap. We only serve the demons that are kings, and not just them that are gods that "believing" to be monsters. No witch in europe or in a fantasy world would want to say "Kishin" a thousand times than that, because we don't give a darn about some silly gods that are not humans or demons, just for the record, Majins are the crazy ones and not them that the word "Kishin" is a term for buddhism. We are wiccans and this is the real world that we need to live in. So let's just get off the "whatchamacallit" and just finish our drinks.

Kimial Diehl : I accept that appreciation of yours. I hope things for Soul World might get turned out in the end. Let's just sink that in.

Ashley : Agree. [Sammy is shown disguising himself as a business person]

Sammy Lawrence : Hmmm...

"Later that night..."

Kimial Diehl : Geez, It's no wonder why does anyone think that the author would want to make a female hero with that kind of attitude in the real world, I just don't get it. I mean, if Shinra was here to see this, then my problems wouldn't worry about it. So, those that have to be really a major outburst.

Jacqueline O'Lantern Durpe : [in bed, reading a book] Like what, Kimmy? Is it really hard for a girl at a young age like most teenagers do? I mean, Soul Eater is Soul Eater, and Soul World is Soul World. What's the difference between us and Shinra? That's concerning the biggest plot twist that has ever been created in the real world. What would the Shounen protags say something about that? It's no simple that our friend and hero Maka would endanger the fact that she doesn't care about us, the witches or the Kusakabe Legacy, she wanted her partner Soul to become a deathscythe and would be remembered as Soul World's greatest hero icon of them all, here in the real world. Lucky me, that is why I could not able to use such kind of method since the real reason that Demon Weapons were not created by the witches their selves. It was someone else that did it, in which that has to be the icing on the cake, like eating a plate of bony spicy drumsticks.

Kimial Diehl : Glad you got that right. Who knew that witchkind wasn't stupid enough to use the bones of another person and to keep it to cover a few secrets? It's no doubt that the heroes of Soul World have always been pawns to the Devil himself. Well for me, I'm just a witch that only specializes in the advance field of math, medical, biology, and of course solving crime as a detective. Who says I can't say no to someone? They're just too jealous to think of. [gets into bed to comfort her] But that will be the luck of that. [scene cuts pitch black as she turns off the lamp light] Yeah, Just like that.

~ Sixth Scene : A Tale of Two Beings ~

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alyjojo · 2 years ago

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Past Life ☯️ Karmic Spread February 2023 - Virgo

Gender I’m Picking Up On (in the past life): Male

Who You Were: The Emperor, 9 Cups, The Magician, Judgement

What You Did: 2 Wands, The Devil, 6 Swords rev, 3 Swords

How It Ended: 7 Pentacles rev, 4 Cups, The Chariot, 10 Cups

What Karma Was Brought With You: 10 Pentacles, Queen of Wands, The Empress

Who You Brought With You: Death, 8 Wands rev, The Tower, 8 Pentacles

Additional energy: Page of Swords rev, 10 Wands rev, 5 Wands rev

Past Life Oracle: Vows & Monk or Nun

Dreaming Way: Clover rev, Scythe, Ring

Charm:

Key 🔑 on The Emperor

TW: most of these are difficult. This is an intense one and a whole rabbit hole of history I intend to leap into, because I really know the bare minimum, and I hate that. The Emperor with the Key is Joseph Stalin, but at the time of your death, The Chariot is serving as a representation of the Seig Heil Nazi salute, so both of these dictators played a role in your living consciousness of the world as you knew it to be, but you specifically were under Stalin. It took some time to figure that out, these readings do not come easy always. Vows is serving as a representation of “following orders”, and Monks is serving as a representation of the people in this particular event being shown, more of which is described at the end of the reading. You were a Russian soldier put in charge of deportation, evacuating a group of people from a specific area, and may have been sent to several different regions in order to have these orders carried out. But I only see this one. The government’s wishes were your command, and though initially you felt a union with your country and fellow soldiers, you weren’t completely emotionless. Deportation, or evacuation, may not have been your only job, but it’s the one I see.

You knew you didn’t have a choice but to do as instructed, and you did, many times. The heavy emotions, violence, deaths, and heartbreaks you faced weighed heavily on your consciousness, and violated every thing you believed in your heart to be true. Especially on a spiritual level. I don’t get an age of death, or anything specific regarding that, just “young”, and that you gave up. You weren’t happy with Stalin’s direction, nor the Nazi regime, you were very conscious of where the world was heading and you thought it was despicable what was being done to families in front of your face, by your command. How it’s described is being face to face with those you were hurting is what actually killed you, but that may be more of a sentiment. You didn’t follow orders, I don’t know which ones, or who it was that killed you, Russia or those same people you wouldn’t hurt, you just simply gave up and decided it was time to put a stop to your involvement in this, because that’s all you could do, but it was willing, you knew. The feeling is like dropping your gun and just allowing it to happen, but I don’t know if that’s literal.

What you’ve brought with you is a moral dilemma involving betrayal and a karmic connection. There’s a solid foundation, probably a marriage in your world, you or not idk. There’s also a lover or mistress within that connection. The lover is who you’ve brought with you, and it causes this Empress/wife/partner very heavy grief. They may be your lover or someone else that sabotages your life, maybe your parents lives or a friend. I’m not sure who you are in this dynamic, but either way, I’m sorry 🙏 It’s also possible this is simply a mother, wife, or matriarch figure in the family that causes you a lot of stress, anxiety, and grief. Or you do this to them. Take that however it applies if you resonate.

Who you’ve also brought along is someone you don’t speak to anymore, you can’t, they changed the entire foundation on which you stand in regards to your job. Fired you? Sabotaged you? Something like that, or someone you worked with that didn’t tell you about shocking news. Something like that, they’re gone from your life now. May have even been a terrible work accident, and they’ve passed on now. You’ve also brought a personality…flaw, we’ll call it. You don’t address issues, you don’t speak your mind or say how you feel. You pretend everything is fine always and bottle up all of your emotions for the sake of keeping the peace or not having to deal with things, possibly being unaccountable on purpose. Everything is fine & you’re a pretender. You just can’t face conflict, which isn’t that rare in people, but it’s to the level of acting like it doesn’t even exist, which is not…healthy. Or human. Clover rev is unfortunate events either leading to the separation of a marriage, or your repeated bad luck ends when you commit to someone, probably a soul contract that you have to see through to the end. It’s Vows still, carried on with you, but played out differently. This is probably your most recent life.

With some research, which I always try and am often unsuccessful at finding anything related, but in your case & being so recent, I found what I was looking for:

https://www.sciencespo.fr/mass-violence-war-massacre-resistance/fr/document/soviet-massive-deportations-chronology.html

Specifically December 27th, 1943 - I got shivers all over my body, that’s what Spirit led me to find. Not actual monks, that was a directional lead for me more than a literal message. So it was this time frame, and you were present, one of the men in charge of “clearing” this group of people. You participated in more than this event, likely several, but this one was big for you, and this is the one Spirit knew how to get me to find, to understand properly and place you, and the text does mention that this one was “brutal”. I always fall into the hole of research after the readings, if/when I can, but at the moment I admittedly know very little of any of this.

#it won’t let me link the link 🤦‍♀️#just copy/paste #bc idk why #virgo tarot reading #past life #past life readings #february 2023 #Virgo #tarot #tarotblr

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hael987 · 2 years ago

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After reading @respectthepetty ‘s post on the use of English as a weapon of deceit, representing falsehoods/the untrue, a cover (please read it, the ideas are fantastic and very thorough) it got me thinking more about the use of English in the series.

I started thinking why English? I think the use of English is also related to power, or a need for power.

English is a very prevalent language in the world, but why is it so prevalent? There are lots of reasons but the two (incredibly oversimplified) that are relevant for my purposes are:

The rise British empire. Britain invaded many countries, tried to rule over them, forced them to speak the language.

Post-war USA trade. America dominated, controlled and conquered/took over many new trade markets in the world.

To very loosely summarise the key points for my purpose: it’s rooted in power; disputes; war; control; taking, conquering and dominating things. All of these are very important when considering the situations when English is used in KP.

Let’s take a look at the situations respectthepetty pointed out and a few others:

Very first scenes with Kinn’s meeting with Don.

While Don speaks in Italian at first, Kinn immediately speaks in English. He needs to establish his superiority immediately. They’re involved in a war of nerves, discussing a dispute and Kinn ultimately ends up the one in the more powerful position.

Ken

> “Watch your mouth”, a command, trying to control Porsche.

> Explaining the gym in English is trying to dominate over Porsche, to make him feel inferior and weaker.

> “Nice one, loser” reinforces Ken’s superior position. When Porsche threw his phrase back to him it’s insinuating ‘you’ve got no power over me’ and takes the power back for himself.

The English names of Khun’s fish

The fish are Khun’s way of having some control over his life, in his sphere of influence. He’s the owner, the parent, to the fish - a higher position.

English in Porsche’s dream “menu of the day”

This is a dream where Porsche would have his own agency and power, he’d literally be his own boss. To be able to write “menu of the day” would be to reassert power for himself - take back control, he’d have power over his life/ future.

Kim uses it in front of Chay but not with Chay himself.

He’s engaging in a war (the main vs minor family & other enemies) that Chay isn’t directly a part of and so English isn’t directly brandished at him. But Kim sets up a dynamic where he is the more powerful one, where he wants to take Chay’s knowledge of Porsche and conquer his secrets.

The entirety of Vegas.

Vegas uses English the most because he’s always trying to wield and gain more power. He uses English when he’s trying to win, take things or increase his power.

> The drugged scene. Vegas is directly in a more powerful position and he’s trying to conquer and claim Porsche.

> “Porsche, let’s go” it’s his win over Kinn, he’s taking Porsche away.

> The entire Don massacre is about establishing more power, dominating the mafia business and English is heavily used.

Anytime someone uses English as far as I can remember, it’s in situations concerning power. It’s them trying to put themselves in the higher, more powerful or favourable position. To assert or reclaim a power of some kind over a certain person or situation.

I’m not saying English is a more powerful language or anything. What I am saying is the use of English symbolises a desire to create or wield power. What I am saying is the use of a language — whose prevalence and high position as a global language is rooted in disputes, war, taking, conquering and dominating things — seems incredibly relevant. It’s use symbolically reflects the same nature in which English’s roots of prevalence come from, to take the same path for power.

[Obviously this isn’t limited to English as lots of power is wielded and created when speaking Thai as well, but it does interest me that English seems to be only used in these “power” settings. It feels relevant somehow. Idk I guess the theory feels right but it’s not quite complete?]

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche thoughts #i know the prevalence of english is more complicated than that but for the purposes of this post just ignore it #the theory feels right but not complete #literally just finished writing it all and now i don't like it hahaha #guess i'll post it anyway as it took a while #long post

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thechekhov · 4 years ago

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Hi! I saw on a post that you're agender and I'm kinda questioning my gender (again) but what interested me more about that post was that you said you believe that gender is a social construct and I'm not really familiar with that theory. I was wondering if you could explain to me what the whole idea is? (bc I kinda only feel like a have a gender in social situations? In my head, my dreams and how I picture myself in the future, I'm genderless idjskahwksjejensj) Sorry for bothering you if I did.

This is a BIG topic and it opens a LOT of wormholes.

We’re gonna do this in pie slice statements that will hopefully help explain what I mean. Please keep in mind I’m going to simplify many things for the sake of readability.

1) What is a social construct?

Social constructs are ideas that are negotiated by social groups. Something being a social construct does not make it ‘not real’.

For example, money is a social construct. Yes, we have cash - coins, credit cards - but these are physical props that are REPRESENTATIVE of the idea of currency. You have some form of credit to your name - the money is a socially agreed-upon idea of value being represented by bills in your hand, by numbers in your bank account.

[Description: Two humanoid figures are standing side by side. The right-side figure is holding a rock in its hand.

Right side figure: Let’s agree that this shiny rock is worth 2 sheep.

Left side figure: Sounds fake but ok.]

Technically, countries are also social constructs. We, as a society, negotiate what a country is, and this can be changed.

[Description: Two figures are standing on either side of a dotted line drawn on the ground. The left figure is pointing down at it while the right figure watches, its arms crossed.

Left figure: Let’s pretend that everything on this side of the imaginary line is mine.

Right figure: ...ok but my house is over there.

Left figure: ... for 3 shiny rocks you can come visit.]

Does that mean canada isn’t real? No. (I mean, obviously canada ISN’T real, but we all agree to pretend it is.) The thing that makes it real is that we are in agreement, and all follow the social rules of pretend to make it seem like the Canadian border, the idea of Canadian citizenship, etc... is an objective fact. (It’s not. These are in fact, negotiable limits and parameters. We have laws in place to define it in legal terms, but those laws can be changed, or may change in the minds of communities. That’s why it’s a construct.)

By that same token, I hold the view that gender, as we largely perceive it in modern society, is a construct. Why? Because it is not inherent; we, as a society, negotiate its meaning.

2) What is gender?

People will probably fight me on this and that’s fine, but here’s my (simplified) understanding of gender (from someone who personally has none)

Gender is a social category negotiated by cultures based on your assigned or desired role in your community that influences, among many other things, your physical appearance, your role in family units, your expected position in jobs, etc.

How I think it happened:

[Description: Two figures are standing on either side of the panel, both holding children-looking figures. The one on the left is wearing purple. The one on the right is wearing green.

Green figure: Hey, I’ve got an idea. What if we separate the babies into two groups based on physical traits they have no control over?

Purple figure: Wh-- okay...?

Green figure: And then limit the jobs they can do and the community ritual involvement available to them based on that!

Purple figure: ... I feel like this is going to backfire on us someday.

Green figure: Nah, it’ll be fine.

The past panel is a dramatic closeup on the purple figure’s face - which is featureless - betraying a deeply doubtful emotion. It says nothing.]

Important points to remember: what gender looks like, what the limits are, what the expectations are... are not inherent to any human biology. We make up gender roles. This is evident in the fact that across the world, gender roles differ by culture. The positions people of a certain gender are allowed to take up are different. What is perceived to be ‘girly’ or ‘boyish’ is different across cultures.

Simply speaking - currently the (western) model we have, dumbed down, is:

You are assigned male at birth because of physical characteristics

You are raised being told to ‘toughen up’ and ‘boys don’t cry’ and encouraged not to show emotions

You are taught to wear male-coded clothes and discouraged from female-coded fashion choices

You are given more opportunities to participate in sports, encouraged to engage in physical activity, etc

You are not expected to need time off for child-rearing

Here’s where gender as it works in society breaks down into being not a real thing but instead something we thought up:

Nothing about having a penis necessitates wearing pants. Nothing about having XY chromosomes means you need to keep your hair short. Nothing about your genome makes the experience of nail-polish different for any human being.

All of these are arbitrary traits we decided were allowed or not allowed to a specific group of people based on entirely unrelated physiology.

Even if we delve deeper, there is MORE variation among individuals of the same ‘sex’ than there are, on average, of members of the ‘opposite sex’ when compared to each other.

Many people use the excuse ‘women are physically not as strong as men’ to say that this has an evolutionary aspect driving these cultural, historical, socially-constructed gender requirements.

But if there was a physical reasoning behind the culturally-set gender-limited job expectations, then we actually WOULDN’T need a traditional binary gender system to sort ourselves into categories. It would simply be decided as a meritocracy - stronger individuals, regardless of gender, would be given physically-demanding jobs. (Also we know that many jobs thought to be ‘traditionally male’ are just the result of sexist bullshit, so this reasoning doesn’t fly any further than I can throw it which is, coincidentally, not very far. Politics is one such area. Doctors are another. We can go on but I think you get my drift.)

My own example of this is an anecdote when my grandparents came to visit my partner and I in Japan. While we were driving down to Tokyo, my grandmother - who has a PhD in entomology - began to say that driving is a masculine activity and women shouldn’t be driving as it was ‘un-woman-like’. My partner almost immediately fired back that in Japan, studying insects or having any interest in them whatsoever was considered a heavily masculine-coded activity. In Russia, there is no such assignment, and my grandmother was left silently blinking in confusion, unable to come up with any excuse except ‘well, all cultures are different, I suppose...’

Do either of these things inherently have a gendered aspect? Of course not! But we assign gendered ideals to them anyway.

3) If gender is made up and constructed by society, then does that mean trans people aren’t real?

No.

Even if you agree that gender is a social construct, trans people are still real. TERFs don’t get a pass. Why?

Because gender - as a social construct - still affects our everyday lives, dictates our social position in our community. Transitioning is still a thing that has to happen. The fact that you are NOT easily able to decide your own gender and are ostracized for wanting to transition, abused for dressing the way you want to be perceived, and bullied for wanting people to refer to you with different pronouns - all those are the effects of a social construct that has very REAL impact on our lives.

This is also why I dislike defining trans-ness by dysphoria. Because transgender people are not only their suffering - the suffering is coming from the outside!! Many trans people remember not being concerned about their gender identity in their childhood, because they did not yet perceive the world as being hostile to their desire to fulfil a specific role in society. The issues and self-hatred and dysphoria begins when they express wanting to be themselves - a life which they are forbidden from pursuing based on physical characteristics they were born with.

Does this mean we should try to remove gender from society? If we constructed it, we can deconstruct it, right?

Realistically, I highly doubt this is possible. Gender is so ingrained in our daily lives that it would be difficult. Nor, I would say, would it be necessary to achieve world peace.

Having social groups - having gender - isn’t inherently a bad thing. The bad thing is when we limit those social groups to specific basic human rights, like voting, or when we forbid them from transitioning from one to another based on things that are out of their control.

Also, I’m not saying genitals and secondary sexual characteristics aren’t real. Please don’t bother sending me that angry message, I’ll ignore it, I promise.

But the concept of gender IS something we thought up and maintain and negotiate with each other to this very day. It’s not granted to us by a higher power, nor is it a constant, unchanging thing. It’s a part of the human experience and like everything, it has the potential to evolve - as a concept in our communal memory, as well as on an individual level, for people who feel they want to be perceived differently.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk!

#hiimholalate #gender #agender #queer stuff #gender is a social construct #social construct #genderqueer #long post

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darthvaporwave · 10 months ago

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yes! i completely agree that it's about the people around him -- it is entirely about them. that's what i meant when i said (later in that wall of text of mine) that he learns how the world can see you and how they will treat you. prior to his first banishment, he had only ever been loved; he didn't know what it was like to be reviled. in fact, those lines are incredibly heartbreaking! especially when you pair them with hua cheng saying the worst suffering in the world is to watch your beloved be trampled and reviled and not be able to stop it. after watching this season of the donghua, my heart kept breaking as i reread the prologue.

book 2 xie lian absolutely internalized doing everything himself, i agree -- first because he's the crown prince and the god of xianle and there's nothing he cannot do, but also as a duty. this is another thing i think gets overlooked in those spoilt crown prince allegations: xie lian beloved by all these people, but he also clearly believed he should live up to it -- it was both his destiny and his duty. he believes he can do anything, but at the same time that he must. during the war, everyone is relying on him, looking to him, begging him... and then he can't do it; he can't save them. but then he internalizes the failure, and instead of realizing, "i couldn't have done it all myself" he believes "i have to make up for not being able to do it."

after he "failed" to save xianle (more on this later) and after wu ming was dispersed, xie lian clearly came to believe that the way to solve every problem was to take all possible violence onto himself -- as if he could make up for his failure to save his people, his country, his parents, and his last believer if he just sacrificed himself over and over again. season 2 of the donghua has really illuminated this. when he says to lang qianqiu that you can't disperse the violence, you can only take it onto yourself -- this is completely what his second ascension (the worst mistake of his life, he calls it) and wu ming's "death" taught him.

(the whole fact that in the revision that move is named wu ming -- i'm still not over that; i will never be over that. that's the most illuminating moment of xie lian's character.)

as to "body in abyss" -- i do think the true meaning of that phrase is up for debate, which is why i call it "arguably naive." the prologue states:

"The person who had said those words had personally proven that when the body was in the abyss, the heart could not be in paradise." (prologue)

i think i read somewhere that the word "paradise" in the original chinese text is a buddhist term, but my memory is really suffering lately so i could have either imagined that or they meant a different part of the text. it does make me hesitant to theorize on the full meaning since i may be missing some needful context. however, whether or not the text ultimately disproves or proves the impossibility of the phrase, and whether xie lian encapsulates it or not, would depend on interpretation, i agree! sometimes i think the text could be arguing that he was right (but only xie lian could prove it -- so yes, it's perfectly xie lian!) at other times i wonder if the argument is: he was wrong about it, but also that he could be wrong and it didn't matter.

fake p.s. on my "failing" to save xianle -- and thus going back to never encountering "anything he could not do" -- since jun wu was so heavily involved in xianle's destruction, which xie lian doesn't know for a long time, the actual, arguable extent of his failure is unclear or indeterminate (and not of any interest to me personally). however, that xie lian himself (and everyone else) regards it as a failure is extremely evident. he goes from being a god at the top of heaven to being "useless trash who could not do anything right" (prologue). everyone's memory is so short -- they forget everything he tried to do for them because he didn't succeed. he tried so hard! and then he was hurt so badly. the inverse of devotion was destruction. xie lian's failures were certainly devised -- there was no way he could have won -- but just as important is the way everyone reacts and what xie lian takes away from it. and what season 2 of the donghua is showing is that he believes he should continue to suffer because he failed to protect the people who needed him.

Rereading the start of Book 2 is fucking fascinating because 1. how Mu Qing is treated by everyone but Xie Lian boils my blood, but also 2. I cannot believe there are people who think Xie Lian is naive and ignorant of the world after reading what he says and thinks during those first few chapters alone. He is so persistently considerate and sensitive to power imbalances and the abuse of power even before he """stops being naive""".

#am i off topic again? who knows! not this clown!! ahahahaa #i loved your reply!!#again no reply is required but is always delightful #/#//#///#////#tian guan ci fu #darthvaporwave replies

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capricores · 4 years ago

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FOURTH HOUSE: childhood observations (by mode)

* i focused more on the rougher manifestations of these placements in this post! i will make a positive manifestations version of these placements soon. also note your whole chart will influence this, and especially the individual sign of your fourth house (and planets located in the fourth), i am just grouping by mode for ease. also this is entirely based off my own research, interpretations, experiences, etc.

✨ mutable (pisces, gemini, sagittarius, virgo) fourth houses often experience childhoods in which one or both parents (or guardians) were absent. it may not be physically, it’s also often having emotionally detached and/or distant parents/guardians. mutable fourth houses usually had childhoods in which they had to learn to care for themselves and be independent at young ages; which is why as adults they generally have no problem living on their own, caring for themselves, making their own home & adjusting to change wherever they go (especially true if they also have a mutable moon and/or venus). unfortunately they also often struggle with emotional processing and expression in adulthood due to the emotional or physical unavailability of their family. it often even manifests as an attraction to toxic partners/friends who provide nothing emotionally/only drain them.

they are also likely to experience childhoods that involved a lot of moving around (cities or countries, schools, etc), which is why many mutable fourth house individuals feel as if they don’t truly have a “home”, and feel comfortable moving around freely in adulthood, and don’t have an immense need to stay stagnant in one physical place for too long (this will apply more to sagittarius and pisces). however this can also manifest in a more stressful way, feeling as if they “lost’ their childhood, or have no home nor stable place to go to when they are overwhelmed and in need of comfort. they must spend a lot of time and effort learning where they can find comfort, and how to build their own safe spaces.

the child’s intelligence was likely placed on the forefront during childhood, especially if the individual has gemini/virgo in the fourth. college/university may have been especially pressured for sagittarius fourth house individuals. you may have had a childhood in which you were encouraged to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc freely and were praised for such. but on the other hand, you may have been forced down a certain path (school-wise), and had far too much stress put on you throughout childhood regarding your grades and perceived intelligence.

mutable fourth houses tend to come from “odd” situations; and usually quite unstable home environments. i’ve personally noticed mutable fourth houses are the least likely to want to talk about their past, family, childhood; because they’re sometimes ashamed of the “strangeness” of their past and the uncontrollable things that occurred in their childhood, because of their parents/family/etc.

✨ cardinal (libra, cancer, capricorn, aries) fourth houses tend to have parents/families that were over-involved in their lives; often controlling. i find that they likely had parents that put ridiculous amounts of pressure and responsibility on them from a young age. these placements didn’t get much time to be an actual child, as it’s likely they weren’t shielded from the harshness and rough realities of the world/others like they should have been. due to this, cardinal fourth house individuals tend to know exactly what they want for themselves in the future; specifically in terms of their home life, and future relationships; they usually end up developing unmatchable work ethic and boundaries as adults. however, they have to learn to embrace, accept and express their inner child; otherwise they will drown themselves in stress.

capricorn and aries fourth houses specifically were likely to experience a lot of strictness/control, and an authoritarian, sometimes aggressive, nature in their homes. they may have felt a lot of tension in their home growing up, and as if their parents/guardians were pushing them too hard in everything they did; trying to piece together their lives for them and leaving them with no say. their may have even been a lot of fighting between family members in their homes, or passive aggression, if this placement manifests harshly. this is why they tend to grow up fiercely individual and with a refusal to let anyone ever tell them what to do. they can easily hold their own regardless of the situations they’re placed in as adults.

cancer and libra fourth houses i’ve noticed had perfectionism and high standards placed extremely hard on them from a young age, especially from mother figures. although i find them the most likely of all the fourth house signs to be “babied” throughout childhood, i’ve also noticed this babying being turned into too much focus on this child. to the point where the child has so many expectations, high standards, etc., to meet due to the unrealistic projections and pressures from their parents. cancer and libra fourth houses often experience their parents trying to force certain futures onto them, that they themselves weren’t able to achieve/fulfill. in certain manifestations, this fourth house placement actually makes it so the cancer/libra fourth house individual has to be the parent to their own parents/siblings/etc. they may be overly forgiving, nurturing, and giving to their family (this will be heightened if venus or neptune are in the fourth as well).

cardinal fourth houses likely had a very perfectionist home environment and childhood, as i mentioned, and may have even been heavily pressured about their appearance, and how they come off to the public and represent their family. “image” was of huge importance throughout their past, and may have led to them being insecure adults or adults who are far too hard on themselves. it’s possible their parents had a picture perfect home/seemingly very peaceful home to the public/outsiders, that was actually a disaster/toxic environment behind the scenes. negative cardinal home environments can also leave individuals scared to initiate things and act on their own/without a push, despite this initiation being in their nature; since they were so used to being pushed by family members in various directions.

✨ fixed (leo, scorpio, taurus, aquarius) fourth houses can have their childhoods/pasts summed up in one word: intense. in true fixed fashion, their home environments were likely very strong: whether that strong is a good or bad word, depends on the manifestation of the placement. fixed signs, much like cardinals, likely experienced very controlling and sometimes aggressive (more likely for scorpio/leo) environments in the home. regardless of the sign, the parents/guardians were likely very stubborn, pushy and may have not allowed the child to have their own independent thoughts, goals, desires, ideas, etc. due to this, fourth house in a fixed sign individuals usually grow up to have very unshakable goals and opinions, and are able to hold their own in very serious and tough situations (such as loss, heartbreak, confrontation, etc). these individuals also sometimes must provide financially for themselves (and even their family) at a young age, because their family is unable to do so for them. it’s common for these fourth houses to get jobs at younger ages than most people around them generally would. i’ve also found those with fixed fourth houses (esp taurus/scorpio) had family members who tried to control and manipulate them via money/material items/finances; OR who tried to manipulate money out of them.

scorpio and aquarius fourth house placements specifically go through a lot of change and transformation during their childhood. they tend to experience immensely unstable home environments; due to the influence of uranus and pluto. it’s likely something major and traumatic may have even happened during childhood, that essentially changed their life forever (of course depending on other placements and just, life in general). they may have been the types to move around a lot during childhood, or have a lot of sudden swings in their life. the swings may have been smaller things, such as their parents/guardians being very moody, changing jobs a lot, etc; or larger things, such as famliy members losing jobs/income, sudden death, divorce of parents, etc. scorpio and aquarius fourth house individuals tend to, like mutable placements, end up “raising themselves” and/or feeling very alone and detached as a child; and as an adult (they really have to work on “building their own family” via friendships/etc).

similar to libra and cancer mentioned above, leo and taurus fourth house placements are likely raised with intense ideals and expectations from their parents; and are driven to a constant state of achieving unattainable perfection. this can result in becoming adults with huge insecurities that are far too hard on themselves. their home life throughout childhood is usually quite abundant (this abundance isn’t always good, however), or they have parents/family members with very material/money-focused mindsets. they may have frequently experienced their parents putting their careers, image, belongings, etc., before their own child(ren), leaving them feeling quite abandoned or unloved. this is why these individuals often go on to seek validation/love from others in the future for their self-esteem, especially if they have strong leo personal placements. leo and taurus fourth houses likely had huge pressure from their family to make something significant out of themselves. not necessarily a pressure to just do well in school, but to do something huge; such as become famous/widely-known, obtain scholarships/the highest grades, get a super “distinguished” or high-paying job, etc.

#astrology #mine #fourth house #ic #m:sp #ofc your other placements will alter this!! and planets in fourth #and there's so many different manifestations for these placements #and they absolutely alter by individual sign. but i enjoy grouping together by mode #i will make a more in depth post on specific signs eventually #i could rant abt the fourth house ALL day #i think i've studied fourth house more than anything else throughout my years of being into astro #if u can relate to this pls tell me i love the ego boost and validation FJLDKJFD

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blacksunscorpio · 4 years ago

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Astro Musings No. 5

Placements Most Prone to Getting Stuck in Abusive Relationships

Are usually people with Venus in Scorpio because of the intensity of how they love and the intensity in which people love them back, Venus in Libra due to their penchant for trying to see the good in those they love. Venus square/opposing Neptune, due to these natives often idealizing those who do not deserve it. Venus in Pisces, due to their savior complexes. People with Moon squaring their Mars’, or Moon conjunct/squaring/opposing their Pluto’s— often they associate pain and intensity of feeling as equatable to love. These are the types of people who feel deeply and often have a hard time entertaining the idea of love unless there is some sort of “suffering” involved.

Many with Moon or Venus squaring Saturn

Can endure the same thing/have the same habits. I’ve found with the latter two the duration of these relationships will last a lot longer. This is because Saturn adds longevity to relationships.

Nessus in aspect to Dejanira in synastry

Can also cause obsession or at its worst, abuse. Sparknotes version of the Greek myth is a wild centaur named Nessus attempted to kidnap and rape Dejanira as he was ferrying her across the river Euenos, but she was rescued by Heracles. If you’ve ever watched Disney’s Hercules, Megara is the Hollywood version of this broad. In regard to synastry Dejanira is the asteroid of the victim, especially sexual, and Nessus indicates the abuser. If this appears in synastry you can be certain two people will have some sort of abuse involved in their relationship or some sort of intense obsession with each other than may not be altogether healthy. Be careful if it aspects [in square or opposition] Sado or Algol. No bueno. If touching Chiron it there will be some sort of lesson involved. Make sure it’s one worth learning. Aspects like these in astrology can be very humbling.

Typically if One Has an Aspect Natally it Will Often Appear in Synastry With Another.

For example, One can have their Sun opposing their moon and often attract people whose moons oppose or square their sun. If one has a Mercury squaring their Pluto, they may attract someone whos Pluto square’s their Mercury. You can often always trace a synastry aspect back to one or the other person’s natal chart.

People with Venus Conjunct Lilith

Will have enormous sex appeal. Their basic femininity will be in touch with their wild femininity. If in the 10th house, they may make a career out of it. Become models or make money off their figures. One of my best friends is a porn star and has this aspect. Her ‘Only Fans’ is poppin’.

People with Sagittarius 5th houses

Can/will adopt children from other countries or have children in countries other than their native land. Angelina Jolie’s 5th house is in Sagittarius and her whole brood save for 3 are of different ethnicities. People with the same rising sign as you often deal with many of the same issues as you and therefore, can be easier to have friendships/relationships with. This is typically because two people will have the same houses/house sign cusps.

Placements That Make One Lucky

Are often strong Jupiter placements. Jupiter rules fortune and is in general a benefic planet. Wherever he touches will show growth or excess of energy. It is best when he is working harmoniously. So, Jupiter trining/conjunct/sextiling inner planets or Jupiter trining the north node. Jupiter as the most elevated planet is a good indicator of someone who often gets lucky in the nick of time. Luck often comes through at the clutch for these folks. Asteroid Fortuna, Fama, or Abundantia making harmonious/conjunctions to planets like Jupiter, the Sun, or the Moon. The Sun in the 10th house is a good indicator of someone lucky in their career. Asteroid Karma No. 3811 in favorable aspect to inner planets, and/or Asteroid Talent No. 33154 in favorable aspect to inner planets or in benefic houses.

A good place to look to see determine someone’s physical features is often their Sun, Rising, Dominant planet, or Midheaven.

Yes, I know, not very exciting but I keep telling you guys to stop ignoring your Sun. It is the most powerful Planet in your chart. However, if we were to look beyond the Sun, Your rising sign is your face. Someone with a Scorpio rising will inevitably have some sort of intensity to them. 9 times out of 10, it has something to do with their eyes. The Midheaven will also show you a bit more, usually how a person carries themselves. I often find those with Virgo or Venus Midheavens [women] are very good in heels. Good with structured walking. Men will often have model-esque walks as well. Attention grabbers. Same with those with Capricorn MC’s. Neptune MC’s have a bit of a “swagger to their walk” like they’re swimming through air. Gemini MC’s are often very light on their feet. Aries MC’s walk in a very militaristic way. Straight backed. Authoritarian. George W. Bush has an Aries MC and walks in such a way.

Psychic connections in Synastry [Platonic or Romantic]

Are usually 12th house, 8th house, 1st house, or 9th house placements/Overlays. Aspect-wise typically Moon to the lunar nodes, Uranus to the Nodes or Moon, Vertex to nodes, PLUTO, or NEPTUNE to Mercury. Mercury to Moon, Mercury to Uranus, or Neptune. These are all highly psychic points. Having these placements in synastry/overlay will usually indicate dreaming of the other person, prophetic dreams [especially if 9th house or Jupiter is involved] Knowing what the other person is thinking or gut hunches about the person’s well being. If in harmonious aspect these will make you feel closer to the person or bolster feelings of affection. In hard aspect, it can cause obsession or the other person may feel as if they are “haunting” you. Trust me.

A Singleton Planet

is a planet posited in the only sign or house of its type [element, mode, or orientation]. For example, if your sun is the only planet in a water house, or if your moon is the only planet in a sign of universal orientation, those would be singletons. Singletons are EXTREMELY powerful forces in the natal chart. They can be considered focal points of consciousness, sometimes vehicles of manifestation. They are widely understood to have extreme expressions (or repressions) which are heavily symbolic in a native’s entire life.

People with many Aries placements, strong Martian influence, [especially if in aspect to Mercury or Mars], or hard Plutonic aspects [including conjunctions] tend to enjoy more aggressive forms of music. The types to listen to heavy metal/rock or hardcore gansta rap.

Leo and Aquarius mixing in a natal chart or in the 2nd house can make someone have a bit of a “bark” like voice.

Venus retrograde natives may have had a hard time or still have a hard time in their social lives especially if it’s placed in the 11th house.

On Chiron

People with Chiron in Aries have a fear of failure. Can suffer from identity issues. They can heal by empowering others and being independent. Chiron in Taurus feel as if they never have enough. May have grown up a bit poor or might feel as if they don’t deserve nice things. They can heal by being financially responsible, but also treating themselves to something nice once in a while. Chiron in Gemini feels like no one understands them, may have suffered from feeling unintelligent or their mental pursuits were discouraged. They can heal by speaking up. Writing or singing. Translating their pain into beautiful intellectual activity. Chiron in Cancer feel as if they can’t be vulnerable They may have been made to feel ashamed of their emotions. May have suffered neglect at home, specifically from the mother. They can heal by taking care of others. Cooking. Expressing themselves to those they trust. Not everyone will hurt you. Chiron in Leo may have suffered from being invalidated in life. Feeling rejected. Having impossible standards forced on them. Not getting recognition for their talents. They can heal through channeling creativity into art. Helping others see their worth. Being playful and bold in their own self-expression. Chiron in Virgo may suffer from some sort of distorted self-image. Perfectionism or excess of criticism from others/family. As a result, they can either be extremely critical or compensate by being people pleasers. They can heal by maintaining their health and seeing a counselor [remember Mercury who rules the mind is the ruler of Virgo so mental health is NOT something to ignore.]

People with Venus in Taurus

Are actually some of the slowest moving people in terms of romance. Even more than Capricorn Venusians. They love to take their sweet time. If they were to be a Tarot card, they’d be the Knight of Pentacles. Methodical, slow-moving, careful. They are caring but terrified of choosing the wrong person, being abandoned, or making the wrong move. They study the object of their affections almost to the level of Plutonians [but without the dark appeal]. This is because they want to know how and what pleases the other person. Very traditional.

Cancerians

Are very jealous in love and can give Scorpios a run for their money.

Leo Moons

LOVE ATTENTION I've noticed even more than Leo suns. Why? Because validation is often tied to what makes them feel good emotionally [moon]. These are the people who will post about 20 snap or insta stories talking about their day.

Gemini Mars’

Have a problem with dry-snitching on themselves. This is because their drive is tied with their intellect and speech. As a result, they can often find themselves saying more than they mean to.

Aquarian placements

Are high-key opinionated but are can also be the least accepting of other points of view, especially if Saturn/Capricorn is in the mix. This is because they are fixed air. So their mindsets/intellectual opinions are hard-pressed to change. Good luck trying to win an argument with one. However, they do move on quickly because they are detached by nature.

Sagittarians/strong sag placements will often make friends the easiest out of any zodiac sign. Opinionated but their curiosity for people from all walks of life makes it easy to relate to them. Those who come after would most likely be Gemini moons or 5th House/ 11th House Leo’s.

6th house placements, especially if Leo or Pisces sits on the cusp often are very good with animals. Piggybacking on that, Piscean placements tend to have an almost telepathic ability with animals.

Cats seem to take to Scorpionic people very easily, even if the native doesn’t care for them. As a matter of fact, most Scorpionic people have a knack with animals that are nocturnal. Spiders, Owls, Cats, Foxes. These animals will likely find a Scorpio native/ those with heavy Scorpio placements out of nowhere or perhaps never bite them.

Astro Musings No. 1 Astro Musings No. 2 Astro Musings No. 3 Astro Musings No. 4 Astro Musings No. 6 Astro Musings No. 7 Astro Musings No. 8 Astro Musings No. 9 Astro Musings No. 10

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thedreadvampy · 4 years ago

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Ok like I'm sorry for all the Elias discourse but stepping off from OGlias for a moment I legit saw someone saying it was a mischaracterisation to assume Jonah Magnus was himself a rich white dude which

Let's leave aside for the moment that Jonah Magnus not being wealthy and privileged utterly sucks the meaning of of a lot of what the podcast has to say about class and exploration because hey, that's a matter of interpretation

What do we know about Jonah Magnus (from all statements mentioning his original incarnation)?

1816: Interacts as at least an equal with Albrecht von Closen, who has at least one family estate and an aristocratic pedigree and thus could be expected to be at least middle class if not wealthy. This is relevant because Georgian class was very stratified and cross-class mixing heavily discouraged, 1816 is probably fairly early in Magnus' career, and Albrecht doesn't address him as one would a social inferior.

1818: Established the Magnus Institute, apparently without external funding partners because he's the only one ever mentioned in connection with its organisation and his friends talk about it as his own project; it certainly isn't associated with an existing university or academy as far as we can tell.

1824: not a lot of additional information, except that again Magnus' friends are all moving in wealthy, upper class circles

1831: In a position to hire professionals for Millbank under good terms. We learn more about Albrecht, he's definitely painted as wealthy old money, which continues to speak to this association

1841: reasonably close friends with Sampson Kempthorne, workhouse designer, who expresses the expectation of Magnus agreeing with him about workhouses and the treatment of the poor through work. At this time, Magnus is living in an Edinburgh townhouse, by which I'm guessing we're talking about one of the New Town Georgian 4-floors-plus-servant's-quarters which that name implies. Those aren't mansions, but they weren't where a clerk or shopkeeper would live - they were built for ship owners, lawyers, doctors, the upper-middle and upper classes, and as the name townhouse implies they were generally occupied as one of several estates, with the usual occupants being likely to also have a country place.

Beyond specific statement letters, Magnus largely crops up via his association with his wee gang, all of whom are wealthy upper-middle or aristocracy (Smirke, Rayner, Lukas)

He has the resources and social clout to devote his time to pursuing what is, effectively, a hobby; his interest in the supernatural doesn't bring in much income and, conversely, often costs him to chase up. He doesn't appear to have a full-time job at any point; he works on Millbank with Smirke but he doesn't appear on the records, meaning this is unlikely to be a paid management role. His friends refer to his supernatural work as a hobby or interest, not a job, and make it clear that at least by the 1830s-40s this is his whole life (he's "rattling around with his books and letters") - ergo he does not have a need to support himself beyond that.

He had the resources and funds to, by himself and for his own purposes, not only shape the building of Millbank but also to set up an independent academic institution which is still running 200 years later

Like, is it explicit that he's a rich white man? Not per se. Would all of this information make sense if he wasn't? I suppose it's possible but it's a reach, and one that I'm not sure why you as a writer would make without making pretty clear. To be able to move comfortably in moneyed Georgian circles without being born to money, and to be able to do the things Magnus does without having substantial disposable income - that would be exceptional, and would surely merit some sort of comment.

(I've talked about the race politics of Georgian Britain as relates to Jonah Magnus before, but just to sum up: in a time before the abolition of the slave trade and during massive colonial expansion into Asia, being a British man of wealth and not being white was pretty unusual. We can see this in the description of Rayner; he's very specifically described as Black, but also his Blackness is notable to a contemporary narrator. so again, not impossible for Jonah to be a person of colour, but definitely unexpected and it would be an interesting choice to write that unremarked)

just by way of historical context, as I say, class was very structured and immobile in Georgian Britain for the most part. It was also, as I understand it, much more discrete. Whereas now, the lines between working class, middle class and upper class are pretty fuzzy, in the 1800s they were a lot more clear-cut - the working class worked for little money, had little to no education past basic literacy and numeracy, and the entire household would work; the newly developing middle class made a living through highly-skilled jobs (artists, doctors, lawyers, clerks, shopkeepers, factory owners, shop owners and pub landlords, for example) and would have enough disposable income to buy property; and the upper class/gentry may work (but only appropriate to their station; academia, law or the church, largely, and of course a lot of them in the 1810s made bank from Caribbean plantations and their imports) but substantially they lived off the profits of investments, ownership and estate management, built off heritable wealth.

There’s a big range of middle class though, although it was a small segment of society. At the bottom end, you have your grocers, pub landlords, shopkeepers, clerks and so on - they probably own their homes and business and have money to buy things outright rather than renting. At the top end, we have some really pretty substantial wealth - we’re talking multiple houses and estates, large-scale business concerns, tens of permanent staff, and only one person in the family needing to work. The difference between upper middle and aristocracy isn’t necessarily in quality of life, aside from blood it’s really just a question of whether the majority of your income comes from work or from investment and property management. So for example, Smirke is upper middle, but very wealthy - he has a career in a high-profile trade, he’s notable and welcome in high society, but ultimately his wealth is dependent on him continuing to get work. Von Closen may have more or less material wealth than Smirke, but his money is old money and he does not work; he’s very much a gentleman of the upper crust. Particularly with Industrial Revolution and the profit that the slave trade and the expansion of the Empire were bringing in for traders, the middle class was abruptly getting a lot richer in at the start of the 19th century and if anything class was getting a lot more discrete - urbanisation and industrialisation meant the poor were getting poorer (and less able to exist outside a monetary economy) and the working rich were getting a lot richer (until of course after a couple of hundred years the upper middle class almost eclipsed the idle class as the Rich and Powerful)

So the gentry/nobles/old money/upper class were the only class whose wealth wasn’t to a high degree reliant on them working, and so honestly being a Georgian gentleman was stultifyingly boring. That’s why so many comedies of manners crop up from the lower end of the upper class - you have to find something to keep you busy and social politicking is something. But it also meant a lot of gentlemen scholars - men with time on their hands and nothing they desperately needed to be doing, who got really into eccentric hobbies and niche interests (like social engineering, or art theory, or the occult, or unpicking weirdly specific theological concepts, or a bit earlier experimenting with light and lenses, or a bit later investigating the origins of species, or getting super into a specific aspect of the classics). The idle rich weren’t the only ones doing academia or research, but they had the time, money and resources to devote to really deep dives into things without much financial use.

So my personal take is that, given that by 1818 Jonah Magnus had the capital, the social heft and the time to found and run an independent academic institution focused on his relatively niche interests, and to do so with enough resourcing that it still runs 200 years later, the safest bet is that he was born a gentleman. At the very least, all the people he socialises with are securely upper-middle or gentry; he has a visible disdain for the poor; he owned substantial personal property by at least middle age (the Edinburgh townhouse); he had the social clout to get involved behind the scenes in a major social architecture project - it seems like the lowest this could possibly place him is mid-to-upper middle class at birth (he could have made that much money from working and lucky investments, but to get into a position where by middle age you can afford to become the Idle Rich, spending all your money and time on an obsessive personal interest, you would need to have started off with at least the capital and clout to get a high-level education and/or make significant business investments (say, buy a series of factories or build a shipping empire). You could make a case that he could work his way up from being born to a middling-middle-class family - maybe a country vicar or a shopkeeper - but friends can I show you some numbers I googled?

In the 1810s, being mid- or upper middle class (fourth or above) meant you were richer than 94.5% of the civilian population. Upper middle and above (like literally every person we know of who had social ties to Magnus except maybe the architects)? Literally top 1%. (well. 1.25%).

The middle class in Georgian Britain was the elite. They weren’t the elite of the elite, but they had money, land, property, staff, clout and privilege. You can’t project the class politics of 2021 onto 1818 (that is, in fact, why pure Marxism still requires an updated reading, bc in even the last 150 years the specific distribution and attributes of class and wealth has changed substantially (although the same people do stay at the top and bottom)).

I think our perceptions are altered by the worries and perspectives of popular contemporary authors. For example, Austen characters often bemoan their lack of wealth, and are firmly Middle Class, and compared to the upper middle and the gentry they are living frugally and on a budget, but with “cottages” that are often six- or seven bedroom houses with several parlours and one or two servants, plus a town house, and with only one breadwinner per family and enough invested wealth to live entirely off the interest (that’s what the incomes of these characters are), they are living in a degree of wealth that would be unthinkable to 95% of their contemporaries, and it would be fair to assess them as rich by modern standards.

You can argue that Jonah Magnus wasn’t aristocracy. You cannot argue realistically that he wasn’t rich. Not only does that make no thematic or character sense (again, that’s a matter of interpretation, but it seems to me to be Pretty Key to his character that he’s an examination of inborn privilege) but it also makes no contextual historical sense.

#pls pay attention to me i spent way too long on this #p r o c r a s t i n a t i n g #also. there is an argument that class mobility was increasing #but uhhhh that doesn't mean it was a plausible thing to jump from penury to princedom #example: in the 1810s my ancestor walked from Edinburgh to London to seek his fortune and escape starvation at home #his was a remarkable rags to riches story #but his 'riches' was a job as a low-level law clerk and an undergraduate degree from Cambridge #he owned a flat I think #but he wasn't out here with the personal wealth to set up an independent research foundation #(I don't remember which ancestor but I think great grandfather?)#anyway the point is this is a wild take #I could talk at length about how it ALSO makes no thematic sense but I feel like I've tapped that one enough lately #tma meta

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adoremp3 · 3 years ago

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this is not a post to say i am entirely done with fic for good. however, it’s also not a promise i will post/update any of my fics at some point either. i know i’ve been “unofficially” taking a break from fic for some time now, but i think it’s time i officially address this and how it’s time i really take a step back from this world.

i’ve been toying around with a few different original stories, which i absolutely love and cannot wait to see them bloom, but i feel like i cannot work on them with this guilt of my incomplete fics looming over my head. i had so many wonderful stories i wanted to tell in these fics, so many fantastic characters i truly adored to write, but sadly if i were to try and force myself to write them these stories and characters wouldn’t receive the justice they deserve. as i said, i’m not saying their stories are over or that i will never post another chapter, but this is just something i need to do in order to really get out of my head and focus on the next step for me.

this isn’t about anyone in particular other than me. it has nothing to do with reblogs or feedback or anything like that—it’s all about how i personally feel and what i want to achieve in life. i still love harry and niall, and will cherish all those years of loving one direction, but i’ve been around here in the fanfiction community for ten years now. i’ve been through a very alarming number of my own plot ideas and characters, i’ve shared thousands and thousands of words for everyone to read, i’ve been involved with and witnessed so much drama in 1dff’s prime that still exists today, i’ve been so heavily involved in the community i basically ran the front end of the 1dff website back in the day with some wonderful people, and i’ve met so many wonderful people along the way i’m happy to call my friends. this is really starting to sound like a goodbye of sorts, but i think i’ll still be here and checking in. i will still support the community and all these wonderful stories within it, but i just don’t think my own writing will be included anymore. there’s so many people out there i certainly want to still keep up with! but like i said, never say never because if the right motivation and inspiration strikes, there may very well be another chapter coming your way.

all that being said, i am beyond excited to start this new journey of my life and see where it takes me. i cannot wait to introduce everyone to world of characters such as scarlett, ivy and beth. they’re my new babies with stories just itching to be told. so, if anyone would love to follow me on this journey, please get in touch! i am happy to share my finsta with mutuals and twitter with anyone who wants to see me ramble around writing breakdowns, complain about the idiots running this country, and live tweets of the bachelor 🌹

i hope everyone understands, but it’s just natural progression for me to move onto something i have become much more passionate about—writing in general has been my passion for quite some time now, but the nature of the content has varied a lot over the years. however, if anyone would like an overview of what would’ve happened in any of my fics, then please hit me up and i will be happy to share it with you! maybe not no strings as i’m not sure i am fully ready to let that one go yet, but such great heights, curious minds, or any others i have previously taken down (leather and lace, baby love, etc) are anyone’s game!

this community has truly shaped me into the person i am now over the course of the last ten years and i cannot begin to thank everyone enough, but just know if you’ve ever supported me in anyway that there’s a piece of you inside my heart. love you all and thanks for all the support for both me and my writing (and also my many rambles, like this one) 💛

#here’s the thing #important

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seeingteacupsindragons · 3 years ago

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So, Liam.

LiamLiamLiamLiam, the best boy, the goodest boy, the saddest, most depressed boy.

(who, uh, is 27 now and not really a boy anymore, is he? But we’ll talk about that!).

He did little in this chapter and said even less, so talking about him now is a game of assumptions and triangulations which I’m not entirely keen on, but I’ve been asked to play it, so let’s see what I can parse out.

This was the most direction question I got about him this chapter, so let’s start here.

Am…I the only one who thought Liam was willing to consider living by this point here?

This is after he admitted defeat to Sherlock, and just before he launches into his “A world where I live and atone might have been possible, but fate won’t forgive me,” thing. He does say after this that he only wants Sherlock to live and return, but at this point, I don’t think William actually sees a way to survive this mess, and definitely not one where he lives with Sherlock.

It is, after all, intensely unlikely that they’d survive this fall, and they only did because Billy fished them out of the river and got them immediate medical attention. He wasn’t wrong.

So I think he was willing to consider living, but not at risk of Sherlock’s life.

Fortunately, YuuMori has at this point spared us a long coma dream for Liam about how he needed to deal with his demons before waking up. I think Sherlock’s argument, and more importantly, Sherlock’s determination, made enough of an impression on Liam for Liam to live. Sherlock won, and Sherlock wanted him to live.

So he’ll live. That part didn’t really surprise me.

Beyond that, I have a couple questions I really want answers to, and without them it’s very difficult figure things out:

Why did Sherlock and Liam separate with Sherlock having no apparent intention to return?

Where is Liam now, and what is Liam doing now?

For the first, Sherlock and Liam can’t have gotten into a fight. Sherlock is too happy and Liam knew where he was, and Sherlock was too willing to drop everything to go help Liam out for them to be fighting. And I also can’t quite conceive of them being like, “oh, okay, we had enough time together, bye forever.” So what gives?

I don’t know. But I suspect it ties into the other questions.

Meanwhile, I can’t imagine he just decided to dump everything on Sherlock. First off, that’s the weirdest atonement story ever, and secondly, William has always had a problem refusing to delegate and trying to do too much on his own.

Which is really one of the most important things we’ve learned about him this chapter: William is willing to ask for help now. He’s willing to work as someone’s partner, and did so for years.

He has never, ever done this before. He almost never asks for anything. He orders his subordinates and his brothers around sometimes, but mostly only when he absolutely has to. Anything he can do himself, he does himself.

(It’s very annoying, honestly, and part of the reason Louis is a better boss than Mr. Overly Involved In Your Job)

But he went and asked Sherlock for help. Sherlock, minimally, really isn’t working for the US government anymore, and Liam might well not be either, but he still goes to Sherlock for help when he needs it. Sherlock is still his partner.

He’s asked Sherlock for help before twice: finding Bill (which was an exchange for his advice, sort of), and when he asked Sherlock to give the story of Sherlock Holmes’s nemesis and ending.

The first of those was largely meaningless. The second was the most selfish he’d ever been up to that point, but it was also heavily tied to his ultimate goal of saving the country (or at least, he made the two things related). So he wasn’t just asking for himself (or at least he could probably tell himself that).

But asking Sherlock to go talk to his brother to deal with Moran? Liam sent him in to go deal with the people he loves most in the world. People who meant everything to him. William is trusting Sherlock with more than his life here. More, even, than trusting him with the new world he attempted to give Sherlock. He’s trusting Sherlock with his brother (who has never gotten along with Sherlock, and has never liked or trusted Sherlock).

He still sent Sherlock there, without a word of his own to reassure Louis. He could’ve sent a telegram in care of Sherlock for Louis, if he wanted to. But he put all his faith in Sherlock to deal with the situation.

So that’s pretty huge for William. And it means, whatever he’s doing, he’s grown up, just as Sherlock has. And he’s realized what a mess he left behind him in Britain and is working, somehow, to fix it.

#Yuukoku no Moriarty #Moriarty the Patriot #Heavy YuuMori Spoilers #YuuMori Spoilers #pls provide feedback lest I start wondering why I bother again

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chalky · 4 years ago

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The Commodification of c!Tubbo

This essay is unnecessary but I think about it too much so here you go

At this point, y’all are probably sick and tired of me rambling about c!Tubbo, as this is about all my original posts are. But, I feel as though this is an important aspect of his character that is either swept under the rug or never given any second glance.

Whether intentionally or not, Tubbo has been constantly commodified by allies and enemies alike (don’t even get me started on the fandom, that’s for a whole other post). Like, throughout the entire story of the Dream SMP, Tubbo has been looked down upon as a yes man, sidekick, or extension of another character who is incapable of making decisions for himself, which is such a degrading thing to experience for so long and explains why his character values himself so little.

This is a long one, heads up!

I want to break up this dehumanization and commodification into three categories:

Tubbo is either a pawn (something to be used), a trophy(something to be owned), or a scapegoat(something to be blamed) to others.

Tubbo Seen as a Pawn:

Wilbur loved Tubbo, but his treatment of him during the Pogtopia arc was definitely sad to see. (Note: Wilbur was spiraling and his mental health was in shambles. He couldn’t help his paranoia and he deserved way better than the ending he got, but that doesn’t absolve the effects of his actions on others). First he took Tubbo on as a spy, a very dangerous role that landed him dead, but throughout Tubbo’s service Wilbur saw him as an obedient pawn, while not a loyal one. A pawn ready to turn to whatever authority figure commanded him best. His remarks about Tubbo being a yes man back this up, and the way he warns Tommy that Tubbo will betray them erases all of Tubbo’s identity and reduces it to that of a spy (again, this is born of Wilburs paranoia, this isn’t his fault).

Dream made it very clear that he regarded Tubbo as lesser than a toy, so obedient and trusting that he wasn’t worth keeping alive because he was so boring to him. The whole speech about Tubbo being worthless wasn’t even directed at him despite him being right there. Dream only addressed Tommy as if he was the one whose opinion on Tubbos fate mattered.

Jack Manifold literally used Tubbo’s trust to attempt to kill Tommy, saying that he was a sweet guy but way too gullible. No better way to treat someone as a pawn to further ones own agenda than by literally using them. (Him talking about how he’d be there to comfort Tubbo after the assisted murder of his best friend still mildly disturbs me).

Quackity managed to talk Tubbo into going through with the Butcher Army, using Tubbo’s power to further Quackity’s agenda (which, by Quackity’s own admission, did not revolve around the protection of L’manburg.) Quackity didn’t care that Tubbo was against violence, and pushed his concerns to the side in favor of his own ideas and kept comparing Tubbo to Schlatt whenever he acted in a way he disagreed with.

Speaking of, THE CONSTANT DISREGARD OF HIS DECISIONS AS PRESIDENT. His Cabinet never listened to him and lowkey every stream they had together was a bit frustrating to me (I’m also a sensitive bitch). They didn’t respect him in any way and undermined his authority UNTIL THEY NEEDED HIM TO SAVE EVERYONE’S LIFE. (Elaborated on in Scapegoat Category).

Technically, as much as I am a Tommy apologist, Tommy’s constant insistence that the Disc War needed to involve Tubbo kind of fits under this category. As much as Tubbo was happy to help, his involvement wasn’t really necessary, but Tommy needed someone to help him. This involvement nearly resulted in his willing death.

The only reason Dream even wanted to kill Tubbo, on top of perceiving him as useless, was to hurt Tommy and give him something of a “hero origin story” like Batman and his parents or Spider-Man and Uncle Ben. So, literally by Dream’s definition, he wanted to fridge Tubbo.

We could refer to Wilbur assigning Tubbo to presidency as Wilbur using him to make the explosion of L’manburg hurt more, but that feels like a stretch to me.

This may be a stretch, but after Tubbo is executed and Tommy starts getting mad at Technoblade, Wilbur eggs Tommy on by saying “Think of what he did to Tubbo,” while Tubbo is literally right there. His emotions on the event doesn’t matter to Wilbur, only how it impacted Tommy.

Tubbo Seen as a Prize/Trophy

The constant referral of Tubbo as something to be owned by someone, like during Wilburs speech of “he’s your Tubbo!”, is a bit off putting though I don’t think it’s meant to be malicious. Very rarely is the sentiment reversed, seen when Ghostbur gave Tubbo the Your Tommy compass, furthering the idea that Tubbo is an object, something to be sought after and secured with little opportunity for him to own something himself. It’s always “Tommy’s Tubbo”. Also when Schlatt gloated about having “his very own Tubbo”.

Tommy shows more possessive behaviors when dealing with the discovery of Ranboo and Tubbo’s marriage, asking about permission and insisting that Ranboo stole Tubbo from him. I’m sure this is subconscious, I know Tommy values Tubbo as a person but he still reduces Tubbo to an object to guard because he treasures his friend.

Another more vague example would be the fact that Schlatt exiled Wilbur and Tommy, but kept Tubbo as his right hand man even though it was clear he was on POG2020’s side. It was a way to insult Tommy, a way for Schlatt to add salt to the wound by keeping his best friend.

The Dream Team captured Tubbo very early into the Revolution, keeping him in a hole and holding him for ransom (this could be played off for laughs, I just remembered it). They also burned down his base, unrelated really but I remember it.

We could also count the way that Dream kept threatening to kill Tubbo if Tommy didn’t return the disc, but this feels like a mixture of pawn and prize, while still dehumanizing as it compares his value to that of music discs.

Yes, I am going to take c!Tommy joking about killing Michael to get Tubbo and Ranboo to break up so he can get Tubbo back seriously. The way he glared at Michael while holding an axe was just for the stream to see, if it was a joke I feel like he would have said it out loud. Even if it is a joke, laughing about taking something Tubbo loves away just to ruin his relationships is a bit yikes and frames Tubbo as something to be won back. You can ignore this if you didn’t see that moment as canon, but there are plenty of signs pointing to this being in character. (Also to be noted, Tubbo didn’t want to show Michael to Tommy, so Tommy ignored him and asked Ranboo instead, who immediately showed Tommy to Michael despite Tubbo’s clear worries)

Tubbo seen as a Scapegoat

His cabinet flip flopped back and forth on the decision to exile Tommy every five seconds. Whenever they spoke with Tubbo, they were all “You’re right! We’re going to listen to you! We have to do what’s right!” and then they hear a half baked plan and completely switch up on what they already agreed to do. (This happened twice. One at the sit down meeting where Tommy revealed Spirit and the cabinet joined Tommy in his mocking, only to blame him for how the meeting ended. Twice at the exile). So when Tubbo had to follow the original plan to, you know, make sure their country wasn’t put under lock and key until every citizen was eventually killed, his cabinet acted so shocked and betrayed and he was Schlatt and a dictator. It’s very true that he went against their plan (THAT THEY MADE FIVE MINUTES BEFOREHAND AFTER HAVING ALREADY AGREED TO THE FIRST PLAN FOR DAYS), but the way they treated him afterwards, as if he was a vile person for keeping his country safe, heavily impacted Tubbo’s mental state for a long time after. What I’m saying is Tubbo was set up to be the villain in that scenario, accidentally by his allies, and purposefully by Dream.

Tubbo was blamed for the destruction of L’manburg by Dream and a few others (also himself)

TUBBO IS CONSTANTLY BLAMED FOR THE BUTCHER ARMY ARC DESPITE IT BEING COMPLETELY THOUGHT OF AND LEAD BY QUACKITY (This is predominately fandom based).

The full blame for Tommy’s exile has rested on Tubbo (I will never forget Tommy calling him a monster), despite the fact he was manipulated and backed into a corner by Dream. Even when everyone has come to understand that Tommy was manipulated by Dream, the same doesn’t go for Tubbo and he’s hit with “imagine exiling your best friend” jokes many times.

Wilbur puts the decision of blowing people up at the festival on Tubbo’s shoulders, absolving him of the blame.

Schlatt made Tubbo tear down the L’manburg walls and the important signs so he could have to deal with the blame (though Quackity took the fall for this).

This is more theory based, but I fully believe Wilbur made Tubbo president right in front of Techno to egg him on to attack L’manburg. Since Tubbo would be the president, he would take the full brunt of Techno’s wrath (and he and Tommy did), and the destruction fell onto him.

So! With my text evidence we can see a recurring pattern in the way that Tubbo has been used by many people over the history of the server without much regard for his feelings. There are very few times when people besides Tommy ask how Tubbo feels about a situation, leaving him to his dark thoughts without anybody caring. Even during the Final Disc War, when Tubbo was literally moments from death, nobody asks how he is. Nobody (except Quackity once) checks up on him, and he builds up his community by himself. Until Ranboo came along, and I am not overexaggerating this, nobody was with Tubbo to support him. He had no support system and nobody cared. They just assume that he is always fine and if he wasn’t, it isn’t their place to intervene. Tubbo is just not respected, feared, or acknowledged unless he has someone by his side, or unless he’s doing something bad in which case he’s unhinged and evil and sure to have a villain arc.

This is just something to find interesting:

The only few characters Tubbo is actively involved with that hasn’t looked down on him as a sidekick or an object has been Foolish, Puffy, Ranboo and Technoblade. You could make an argument of how Technoblade referring to him as “government” could be dehumanizing but I don’t think I’ve actually seen him do that in character? I could be wrong though. Really, Technoblade takes him seriously, but way more seriously than c!Tubbo warrants. Like, he’s looking for a tyrant to beat up and Tubbo is literally just a guy with a lot of issues struggling to keep a handle on his cabinet, which I find funny. But, jokes aside, Technoblade saw Tubbo as a legitimate threat during his presidency and is respectfully cautious of him and his nukes presently, which is surprising to me. Ranboo adores Tubbo and all of his chaos that people are unaware of because they don’t get to know him well enough. Puffy just wants the best for all the kids of the server and knows how to be respectful of their feelings, and Foolish is respectful of Tubbo, if a bit annoyed and intimidated by him.

The point of this essay is just to show that there is a pattern to these things. This is how Tubbo is treated, this is why Tubbo is prepared to die for whatever because because he doesn’t feel he’s worth anything while alive, and this is why it’s frustrating to see characters call him a follower, pawn, or yes man. And here’s the thing: I DONT KNOW WHY THEY TREAT HIM LIKE THIS??? Why him? I can’t really find out why this started to happen.

To sum some things up, no I don’t think every character who treats him poorly is completely evil. Again, some of this seems to be subconscious, some of this could be argued to be OOC, I just wanted to bring this pattern to light.

#dream smp #tubbo #meta #tubbo appreciation #character analysis #jschlatt #dreamwastaken #I said I’d do an essay #here’s the essay

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handwrittenhello · 3 years ago

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sweet little lies

Rating: M Warnings: Assassination attempts, poisoning, bombing Relationships: Geralt/Jaskier/Yennefer Word Count: 6.2k Summary: “He’s very…” Geralt trailed off, arms crossed. "Pretty?” Yennefer finished for him, appraising the man in front of her. He seemed entirely unconcerned about his state of near-nudity, and even less concerned about the fact that the entire court was ogling him, including the Warlord of the North and her right-hand man. “Thank you,” the man said, bowing deeply. “I do try.” -- When Yennefer of Vengerberg, Warlord of the North, receives Jaskier as tribute, she doesn't trust him—the rumor is that assassins and spies are trying to infiltrate her court. And despite being sent unwillingly, Jaskier seems perfectly happy—too happy—to be there. As tensions with the bordering country of Rivia grow stronger, she must beware, and figure out who she can truly trust.

or, yet another warlord au (but with warlord yennefer this time), inspired by @inexplicifics! read here on ao3.

“He’s very…” Geralt trailed off, arms crossed.

“Pretty?” Yennefer finished for him, appraising the man in front of her. He seemed entirely unconcerned about his state of near-nudity, and even less concerned about the fact that the entire court was ogling him, including the Warlord of the North and her right-hand man.

“Thank you,” the man said, bowing deeply. “I do try.”

He did indeed try, judging by how heavily his face was made up and by the numerous precious metals and jewels that adorned his ears and fingers and even one nostril. Yennefer didn’t think she’d ever seen more piercings in her life. The wealth the stranger wore on his body was simply astounding. Besides the more conventional jewelry, he also wore a shirt—if one could call it that—of fine gold chains interlaced, studded intermittently with shimmering gems. He wore no trousers, only a sheer wrap accentuated by a belt, made of yet more fine chains entwined. Finishing the ensemble were golden cuffs around his wrists—the entire outfit seemed to subtly shout prisoner, in fact, when she looked for it.

“And who sent you?” she asked, her voice ringing clear through the hall.

“I come to you as a gift, courtesy of King Vizimir of Redania,” the man replied, sinking into another low bow. “Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove, Master Bard, and Esteemed Courtesan, at your service, my lady.” He made no mention of his own involvement in the matter, Yennefer noted darkly. She would not take slaves, expensive tribute or not.

But to publicly refuse such a gift would show blatant disfavor, and may spark an unwanted war. “You may tell King Vizimir I accept his gift,” she told the messenger who had accompanied Master Pankratz. “And you,” she turned to Pankratz, “may come with me.” She turned and left the hall, trusting him and Geralt both to follow her.

Whispers rose up in her wake, titters at what she might do with the new esteemed courtesan, but she ignored them. One did not become Warlord of the North by caring what courtly gossip featured oneself.

She pushed open the doors to her room, Pankratz just behind her, and Geralt, silent, bringing up the rear. He was good at that sort of thing—protecting her, always, and always with the taciturn seriousness most knew him for.

Only few knew what truly lurked beneath the surface. She was privy to more than most—as her right-hand man, bodyguard, and occasional lover, he let her see more than most. She could see a hint of it peeking out through his stony exterior now—he was disturbed, unsettled, though she couldn’t tell the cause.

She sat herself in her customary armchair by the hearth, Geralt taking a place looming behind her, and after Pankratz hesitated, she directed him to the armchair across from her. He sank into it quickly, giving the ridiculous impression of a puppy aiming to please its master. She rolled her eyes.

“We can drop the bullshit,” she stated plainly, and his eyes widened. “Do you truly wish to be here? Speak truly.”

He swallowed. “My lady, it is truly the greatest honor to be in your presence—” he began, but Yennefer cut him off with a look.

“I said no more pretty lies. I have enough of those in my court—I don’t need you adding to that pile of shit.” There was little more she despised than venomous intentions disguised. The best attack was one that could be anticipated.

“Very well, my lady. Though it is true I did not come here willingly—” Geralt stiffened at that, his hand going reflexively to the hilt of his sword, though Yennefer gave no outward indication of her disgust. “—I did not come here willingly, but, having found myself in your court, I find that there is little else I could wish for. In truth, I would much prefer here to whence I came.” He said the last bit in a black tone, hinting at some strife Yennefer knew not of.

“Well, I would give you the option, then,” Yennefer replied. “You may leave, if you so wish—I will supply you with enough to get by until you can establish yourself, wherever you may choose to go. I hear Toussaint is nice this time of year.” Pankratz smiled. “Or you may remain in my court, but know this—I tolerate no treachery, no spies, of any sort.” She leaned in close; the smile dropped from his face. “If I discover that you’ve been sent as some foreign agent to engineer my demise—” she locked eyes with him “—your demise will not be swift.” She spoke the last words softly, so softly, but plenty intelligible in the absolute silence of the room. “But you’ll wish it would be.”

Pankratz gulped.

“Have I made myself clear?” she asked, leaning back, releasing him from the uncomfortable closeness.

“Crystal, my lady,” he answered, smiling shakily. “And, if it’s all the same to you, I would rather not try my luck out there. Much easier to earn my keep at the luxury of the court.”

Yennefer wasn’t surprised by the attitude; clearly this was a man well accustomed to luxury. “Very well. And how do you plan to earn your keep?”

“Well, my lady,” he began, voice dropping into a sultry register. “You’ll find that I’m quite good with my fingers and tongue, as it were.” He slid from his chair, somehow managing to make it look effortlessly elegant, and shuffled closer to her on his knees. Geralt stiffened; Yennefer waited for Pankratz to dare touch her. But no touch was forthcoming, despite the strange flutter of arousal in her stomach that spoke to how she almost wanted him to try.

“Presumptuous of King Vizimir,” was all she replied. “And what if I have no need of a bedwarmer?”

Pankratz sat back on his heels. “Well, I have other talents. I studied at Oxenfurt—you may also hear me called Jaskier the Bard, at your service,” he said, giving a little half-bow, all he could manage in a kneeling position. “I would sing of your victories for all to hear and be warned, lest the—the Raven Storm come to batter down their doors!” He punctuated his sentence with a grand gesture, one that nearly knocked him off balance.

“No.”

“N-no, my lady?” Jaskier questioned, his arms dropping. “I can come up with something else, if you don’t like the name—"

“It’s not the name,” Yennefer said dismissively. “It’s the exaggeration. I’ve already told you, I value honesty alone. I won’t have any pretty ballads hiding bastard truths.”

Jaskier looked as though he wanted to argue, but wisely held his tongue. To soften the disappointment, Geralt came around and offered him a hand up. Jaskier took it, and also took a moment to stare appreciatively at Geralt. He was lucky she wasn’t the jealous type—she could have his head for it.

“You may stay,” she declared. “You need not pay for it in my bed, though if you do truly mean what you say, then we can discuss your… talents, as it were. For now, Geralt will find you rooms of your own and show you around the palace. You may have the rest of the day to acclimate, though I expect you in the dining hall tonight at sundown.”

It was a clear dismissal. “Thank you, my lady, you’re too kind,” Jaskier said as Geralt led him out of the room.

“No flattery,” she reminded him, but they were already gone.

Jaskier settled into life at her court like a duck to water. He did indeed have a talented tongue and fingers—which he proved the first time he sang for them, with a lute to accompany it. He bounced around the room, capturing the attention of all he met—he was impossible to ignore, loud and bright as he was, bedecked in jewelry.

Geralt had tried to offer him clothes when he first settled into his rooms, but Jaskier seemed more than content to prance around nearly naked. Geralt hated it—he complained to her, one night, that Jaskier was too distracting, pulling Geralt’s attention away. He took his duties very seriously—formerly a knight of Rivia, he now devoted himself to her with the same near-religious fervor, taking her protection upon himself.

It was sweet, if a little misguided. She could protect herself just as well, but it was nice knowing that he was there behind her, always ready to support her if she faltered.

“I don’t like it, Yen,” he said to her, late one night, as the fire burned down to embers in the hearth. They were curled side by side in her bed, sweat cooling on their damp bodies, Geralt occupying himself by playing with strands of her hair. “Unrest in Rivia is growing stronger—we could have a revolt on our hands before the harvest.”

“I’m not worried about Rivia,” Yennefer replied, waving a hand lazily. “Little more than whispers on the wind. King Reginald, gods spit on his soul, has too few supporters left to be any real threat. The rest either died with him in the coup or fled like the cowards they were.”

“I’m serious, Yen. Word on the street is that there’ll be an attempt on your life before the year is out.” A furrow creased his brow, his fingers growing tense in her hair. Gently, she disentangled them before lacing their fingers together.

“Is that not what I have you for?” she asked, a smile quirking her lips. He worried too much—his consternation was almost cute. “Relax. If any assault comes, we’ll be well prepared for it.”

“It won’t be anything as obvious as an attack on the city. Rivian forces are smart—they’ll send spies, or assassins, or both. You wouldn’t even see it coming.”

“If it will make you feel better, then you may begin vetting those in the court you find suspicious,” Yennefer relented.

Geralt hummed, his eyes slipping closed in satisfaction. She too closed her eyes, but the thought nagged at her—did she trust everyone in the palace? Most of them she’d known for decades—they’d worked under King Demavend with her, and had helped her overthrow him when he became too cruel to stand. She’d rewarded their loyalty with a place at her side, and they’d remained trustworthy through the years.

There had been few new arrivals since then—Geralt himself was among them, having joined her during the Coup of Rivia. And of course there was their newest arrival, Jaskier.

He seemed perfectly content in his new role. She had to admit it suited him well—he loved attention, and got it in spades when singing or when draped seductively next to her throne. He made good decoration, though she had yet to negotiate a more intimate role with him. She never held back from staring, though—and though he often caught her, he seemed pleased more than anything else.

Was he too comfortable here? It was true, he had settled in remarkably quickly—did he have a hidden purpose? But what use would King Vizimir have for a spy in her court, especially one as useless as Jaskier? He wasn’t present at any strategy meetings, or even privy to her company more than most. Perhaps he was an assassin biding his time?

Yennefer huffed. This was how paranoia set in—whispers and rumors crept in and set the mind aflame with possibilities until it drove itself mad. She resolutely cleared all thoughts of betrayal from her mind and tried to sleep.

Geralt commenced his investigation as soon as he was able, but Yennefer heard little else from him about it. She assumed that meant the search for traitors was proving unfruitful.

She interrupted him one day with a task at the southern border—there were reports of skirmishes breaking out, most likely bandit attacks. He departed with a promise to return by the month’s end, and she watched him leave with a pit in her stomach.

It wasn’t the first time they’d parted—so why was her stomach twisting so? Why were her instincts screaming that it would all go wrong?

There was nothing to worry about. She needed to take her mind off it, that was all. She went back into the palace and headed for the southern wing—where Jaskier’s rooms were.

“My lady Yennefer!” he greeted her happily, springing from his writing desk upon her entrance. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” Then he paused, frowned. “Where’s your shadow? I can’t hardly think of a time I haven’t seen him hovering menacingly over your shoulder.”

“He’s away for the time being.” She motioned him closer, and he went as if reeled in by a fishing line.

“Luckily you still have me,” he replied, biting his lip. He was yet unsure of his advances—good. She would keep him on his toes.

“And would you give yourself to me?” she asked, stepping even closer, until there were scant few inches between them. “Let me have you?”

“In a heartbeat, if my lady so wished,” he breathed, leaning in. She didn’t wait for his lips to brush hers; she surged forward at once, attacking with brutal efficiency. The kiss was more a clash of wills than anything tender. To her delight, he didn’t simply let her plunder his mouth, but gave as good as he got, hands coming up to clutch at her dress. She pushed him away, and his face split with confusion until she pushed him again, back onto the bed. His hands fisted in the covers as she climbed on top of him, finding the clasps that would free him from the confines of the chains that draped over his body.

Soon she had stripped the gold and gems from his body, and at some point her own clothes had disappeared as well, and finally she was free to take him how she wished. He was a good lover, enthusiastic and skilled—his talents truly were as good as he’d made them out to be.

Her only point of contention came near the end, when he began to murmur sweet nothings into her hair, praising her and begging in turn. Even after, when they lay panting atop the sheets, he continued to weave pretty lies, complimenting her prowess and beauty until she rolled over and pinned him down.

“What have I said about lying?” she bit, but there was no real heat to it.

“And as I’ve told you a dozen times, I speak nothing but the truth,” he replied, “but if you wish my silence, well—I suppose you’ll have to find a way to shut me up.” He grinned.

She was gratified to see that he was no longer the deferential pretty thing that had been gifted to her, but had instead grown into his role here and thus felt comfortable enough to tease and prod.

In fact, as the days passed and they spent more time together, he turned downright annoying, at times, whining about how cruel silver was to his skin—did she know that he was one sixty-fourth fae? How it itched so—but gold didn’t go as well with his complexion, and really, he should be wearing sapphires, not rubies, since they brought out the blue of his eyes better…

Yennefer tolerated it with confused amusement for all of one day before she took his suggestion and found ways to occupy his mouth, just so that the inane chatter would stop.

She was almost disappointed when the day that Geralt would return drew near. She looked forward to his triumphant return, of course, but she was apprehensive of how he would react to her getting so close to Jaskier in his absence. She was lucky that she didn’t have to contend with jealousy from him—he simply wasn’t the type—but nor did she want him to distance himself from her, afraid of intruding on something new.

And though she’d succeeded, for the most part, at distracting herself from his absence, she couldn’t shake the sense of dread that still came over her at odd times when she thought of him. He was plenty capable; there was nothing to worry about, she knew, and yet that didn’t stop her traitorous heart.

As the days passed, however, with no sign of his imminent return—not even a letter—she knew her worry was well-founded. On the second day of the new month—two weeks since she’d last seen him—she resolved to ride to the border with all the forces she could gather.

Jaskier worried at her departure—“My lady, you would leave the palace so defenseless?”—but she would not be swayed.

“You’ll be fine. The city can protect itself; you need not worry about a thing.”

“It’s not myself I worry for,” he replied flatly, a moue of displeasure overtaking his face. He didn’t grace her bed that night, and she resolutely told herself she wasn’t bothered.

The sun rose early, and she with it, saddling her horse and donning her armor. The air held a chill, heralding the coming of autumn, though it was unusual so early in the season. As the morning mists in the fields began to burn off, she and her forces rode out, heading south.

They were scarcely a mile away from the palace when she spotted something on the horizon. She called them to a halt, sending ahead scouts to report on what the disturbance was. They returned in short order, shouting joyously—Knight Geralt was returned, unharmed, though he’d lost his men in the interim.

“Yen,” he greeted her warmly, pulling short his ill-tempered mare as he approached. She seemed especially ornery today, hardly responding to his commands, but Yennefer supposed that after weeks on the road, she would be ornery too. “Sorry I’m late.”

“You should be,” she answered, but couldn’t maintain her anger for long, not upon seeing him safe and whole. “What took so long? And where are the men who accompanied you?”

He frowned. “They’re not back yet? I’d thought they’d arrive first.”

“No, we’ve heard nothing since you left. What happened?” It was unlike Geralt to leave his men behind—his sense of chivalry demanded otherwise.

“It wasn’t bandits at the border—it was Rivian insurgents making trouble. Easy enough to mop up, but in the fight, I got separated. Ended up having to lay low for a few days in Spalla. I gave the men instructions to return to Vengerberg if anything went wrong.”

“Do you think they’re still out looking for you?” Damned loyalty. While she valued it, it often proved to be quite the pain in difficult situations.

“Could be. We ought to send another team out, round them up.” She was grateful that he didn’t suggest going back to look for them himself—she would have expected that from him, stubborn as he was, but she wasn’t ready to lose him again so soon.

She motioned over the captain of her guard, Ivenka. “Take your best fighters and track down our poor wayward soldiers.”

“Yes, my lady,” Ivenka replied. The party split; Yennefer and Geralt led the rest of the forces back to Vengerberg.

Upon their return, Jaskier launched into a rousing song of victory—if he was surprised to see them back so soon, he didn’t show it. Geralt bore the attention as he always did, with an uncomfortable grimace. Once the commotion settled, Yennefer pulled Geralt into her rooms for a full report on what he’d found at the Rivian border.

“The talk of insurgence was right. A resistance has formed, with more support than we thought. King Reginald had more friends than we knew.” Geralt delivered the bad news with no inflection, which was how Yennefer knew it was a grave matter indeed.

“A resistance? How strong would you say? Have they any support from the commonfolk?” That was how battles were won, Yennefer knew—it all depended on the attitude of the peasantry. If their favor had shifted against her, they could expect full-blown war within the year.

“Not yet, though they’ve changed the minds of a few. More than anything they’ve sown dissent—talk of crop shortages, of trade disturbed. Trying to make you out to be just as bad as Reginald.”

Yennefer cursed. “We need to head this off before it grows any worse.”

“Parley? They might be open to discussion—this incursion may have been a way to get our attention.”

Yennefer nodded. “Send a messenger at once,” she instructed.

Geralt inclined his head in acquiescence and left her to her thoughts.

He had been right about the coming rebellion—was he also to be believed about the rumored attempts on her life? She would have to keep her guard up.

They received the Rivians a few nights hence at a banquet, meant as both a display of wealth and numbers. The entire court was assembled, and the visiting party arrived wide-eyed and trying to hide it.

Yennefer herself was seated upon her throne in full gilded plate armor—everything but a helmet. Geralt stood beside her, arms crossed, a scowl writ upon his face, his hand resting on the hilt of his sword. And on her other side, draped across the arm of the throne, was Jaskier, in his finest jewels and with a full face of makeup, not looking even a bit vulnerable though he wore almost nothing.

“Yennefer of Vengerberg,” the man leading the visiting party said, inclining his head in lieu of a bow. Beside her, Jaskier narrowed his eyes. “I am Gudros of Scala, and accompanying me are Velah of Hawksburne and Ozrias of Scala.” He gestured to the two behind him, who had so far stood silent and still, their expressions unreadable beneath their helmets.

“Vengerberg welcomes you,” Yennefer announced. “You may partake of food and rest from your journey. Once you’ve had your fill we may retire for more formal talk.” Gudros bowed his head again, and the feast resumed.

“I don’t like this,” Geralt murmured, barely audible over the voices and instruments overlapping in the hall. Yennefer glanced up at him—he looked torn, lips pursed and hands clenching and unclenching into fists.

“Keep an eye on them for me?” she replied. He nodded and slipped away—Yennefer looked forward to his report on what they were saying.

She was so intent on watching the Rivians that she hardly noticed it when an attendant approached with a tray carrying goblets of wine. “Milady,” he greeted, offering her a glass. She reached out to take it, but was beaten there by Jaskier, who snatched it out of the attendant’s hands before she could.

He grinned cheekily at her—this was almost too bold. She’d have to put him in his place later tonight. But she let him have it and reached for her own goblet, just as Jaskier took a sip of the wine.

The smell hit her nose as soon as she raised the glass to her lips. It was hardly detectable, but she’d learned a thousand and one ways under King Demavend’s reign to brew poisons—she recognized instantly the characteristic sour odor it held, the way it slid, oily, down one’s throat, the way it burned from the inside out.

She threw the goblet to the floor, heedless of the way that it shattered into a million pieces. “Geralt!” she screamed, wrenching Jaskier’s goblet from him—though it was already falling from his stiff fingers, his eyes bulging and his face reddening in mere moments.

Geralt appeared at her side instantly, as if he’d never left. Seeing Jaskier in trouble, he threw the consort over his broad shoulders and followed Yennefer as she fled to her old workshop—Goddess willing, she would still have enough ingredients to prepare an antidote, though it had been years since she’d set foot there.

The doors flew open under her hands, dust swirling about the room and cobwebs shuddering in the sudden breeze. Yennefer drew on the spark of chaos buried deep inside her, hardly used, but called forth in full force now. The torches flared to life at once, jars and pots flying off the shelves into her hands.

Geralt laid Jaskier down on the worktable in the middle of the room, now wheezing and coughing, spittle flecking his lips. “Yen,” he tried to wheeze, but she paid him no mind. She needed every ounce of concentration to prepare the antidote, something she hadn’t done in years.

“Mistletoe… wartweed… ground lichen…” she muttered, adding each ingredient in turn. The potion began to bubble, a haze descending on the workshop as it released puffs of smoke.

“Yen, he's not breathing,” Geralt called, and she cursed, stirring faster. Finally, finally, the sickly shade of green gave way to a deep turquoise, and then a solid blue. She rushed to Jaskier’s side, forcing his mouth open with one hand and pouring the antidote down his throat.

He convulsed, and, sensing that he was about to spit it up, she clamped his mouth and nose shut, putting her full weight into holding him down as his limbs juddered and jerked. But with no other choice, he eventually swallowed, his throat spasming under her harsh grip, and then he went abruptly lax.

She took her hands away, letting him breathe—it was a long, tense moment of waiting before he took an easy breath, no wheeze present. Yennefer breathed too, the tension lifting from her shoulders.

Jaskier’s eyes fluttered open. His gaze flitted around the room for a moment, landing first on Geralt and then on herself. “Yen,” he said urgently, struggling to sit up. “You’re alright?”

“Of course I am,” she snapped. “I’m not the idiot that drank poison.”

“Oh, thank the gods,” he sighed. “I mean, I had a suspicion, but I didn’t want to die for nothing—”

Yennefer froze. “You had a suspicion?”

“Well, yes,” he answered, frowning. “I highly doubted the Rivians were here under good intentions, and as Geralt has been saying, an attempt on your life was bound to come sooner or later, so—”

“You knew it would be poisoned, and yet you drank anyway? Why the fuck would you do that, Jaskier?” She dug her nails into the tabletop, itching to wring them around his neck.

What sort of fool would knowingly drink poison? Only the braindead or suicidal, and while Yennefer did hold his sanity in question at times, it still didn’t make sense.

He blinked. “Do you really have to ask? It’s as I’ve told you a thousand times in a thousand ways.”

No. No, he couldn’t mean—

“I love you, Yennefer of Vengerberg. I would, in fact, die for you, as we’ve proven.” He grinned. “Don’t say I never live up to my promises.”

While, yes, he’d said as much before, it still stunned Yennefer to hear it said so blatantly, and with such tangible commitment. She’d thought them pretty lies, the fanciful words of a jester that wanted only to flatter his lord.

Unable to come up with a response, she turned and fled. If she stayed in that room, she might end up saying or doing something she would later regret—whether that was wring his fool neck or have him right there on the table, she would never know.

So caught up was she in whirling thoughts of truth and lies, she didn’t notice Geralt was following her until she was nearly to her rooms. “I don’t want company right now, Geralt,” she said tersely, whirling around.

“We need to talk,” Geralt replied, stepping closer. “The Rivians—”

“Leave me alone!” she snarled, which was enough to make him pause, giving her time to dart into her rooms and slam the door behind her. She locked them with a fierce finality, relishing the heavy click that signified she was alone with her thoughts. She pressed her back to the door and her hands to her eyes, seeing the stars that burst behind her eyelids from the pressure.

If she could have but a moment to think, to sort out the mess of thoughts churning in her mind—but no, even now, she could hear raised voices, shouting, the clang of steel on steel. What kind of leader was she, cowering in her rooms like a confused animal, simply because of an ill-timed, unexpected confession of love?

She straightened her armor and drew her swords before opening the door and heading out to face whatever chaos lay in wait. As she grew closer, the voices grew more panicked, and she hurried her steps along until she was nearly running.

Jaskier came stumbling out of her workroom, looking worse for the wear and confused, searching for the source of the commotion the same as she was. “Go lie down,” she snapped. “I just saved your life. I don’t need you undoing all my hard work.”

“But what’s happening? Where’s Geralt?” he asked, craning his head. Then he spotted the swords she carried. “What do you need those for?”

She started to reply, and then—

An explosion. All-consuming, fiery hot, ripping her eardrums apart. She flew backwards and hit the wall, stunned. Through blurry vision, she saw Jaskier tossed like a ragdoll, slumped opposite her, bleeding from the temple.

Her ears were ringing; she blinked. Chunks of stone rained down on her like hailstones, a fine white powder covering everything in a thin layer of dust.

Slowly, slowly, her vision stabilized and her hearing began to return—the first thing she heard were screams.

Her people—she had to help her people. She tried to struggle to her feet, but it was as if her limbs were encased in plaster. She looked down and saw that a large chunk of stone was pinning her legs to the ground—with monumental effort, she lifted it off herself, grunting. She closed her eyes and breathed, in, out, and then staggered upwards.

She checked on Jaskier first—he had a head wound, bleeding profusely, but nothing more serious than that. She clumsily slapped his cheeks a few times until he roused, groaning, eyes squinting shut.

“Are you alright?” she shouted, her own voice hardly reaching her ears. He nodded, eyes still closed, and she left him to recover. Staggering into the hall, she took in the sight before her—it was as if a bomb had gone off, and maybe it had.

The entire hall was bathed in sepia-toned light, the torches guttering in and out in the wake of the blast. Chunks of stone and broken pieces of furniture littered the floor, which had fallen through to the dungeons below. To her surprise and immense thankfulness, there were few bodies—perhaps they’d had advance warning and had fled, screaming.

Four people stood in the middle of it all—she recognized Gudros, flanked by Ozrias and Velah. The fourth had hair as white as bone—“Geralt?” she called, and he slowly turned around. Wrong, wrong, wrong, all her senses screamed.

“Not quite.” He laughed, a chilling sound, unlike Geralt’s own rare laugh in every way. She knew then—this wasn’t Geralt. This hadn’t been Geralt for a good while.

“When?” she asked, though she knew exactly when. It had been that damned trip to the border. “Who are you? Really?”

“We are the rightful leaders of a free Rivia, and we would see her prosper once more, no longer under your bloody banner!” Gudros cried. “You have bewitched Rivia’s citizens. We’ll not see you reign any longer!”

“I’ve bewitched no one,” Yennefer snapped. “If you speak of your loyal knights turning against you—that was your king’s own doing, with his wicked deeds and cruel heart.”

“No! Geralt of Rivia was a good man—we’ll break whatever spell you’ve placed on him, right after we parade your desecrated body through the streets!”

Not-Geralt smiled, all teeth, and dropped the illusion—suddenly, he had changed forms, and now appeared as Yennefer herself. “You’re a doppler,” she said, teeth gritted. “What stake have you in this fight?”

“I’ve lived a long life, you know. To tell you the truth, I’ve grown rather bored with it—and what better game to play than this?”

“You’re sick,” Yennefer spat. “You’ve aligned yourself with murderers and oathbreakers.”

“Would you have me align myself with you, Kingslayer?” the doppler purred. “I see it all, you know—I’m in your head. I see how you kill, and lie, even to yourself.”

With a wordless yell of rage, Yennefer threw herself at the doppler, who met her swords with a sword of its own. It was an even match—perfectly even, with all her skill as a fighter reflected back at her. And with the other three Rivians advancing, it looked to be a quick end for her.

Her people would die, and Jaskier would be captured and most likely enslaved, and Geralt would remain captive to those who believed him brainwashed, subject to tortures as they attempted to break whatever enchantment they believed lay over him. And she would be brought up as an example, her dead body held up to the world to say: this is what happens to those who fight back.

She dodged the first swipe of Gudros’ sword, but it left her open for the doppler to press her back, putting her off-balance. Her foot caught on a chunk of rubble and she teetered backwards, falling to the ground, the doppler pouncing on her at once.

“Here lies the Raven Storm; blustered herself out, little stronger than a gust of wind at the end,” the doppler cackled. Yennefer looked into its eyes—her eyes—and braced herself for the end.

And then a chain looped around the doppler’s neck, choking, burning. The skin beneath the silver links smoked and cracked, blackening, the doppler’s hands scrabbling uselessly at the chain and burning too.

Yennefer looked up to see Jaskier standing tall behind the doppler, one of his many decorative body chains in his hands, his face creased in furious fierceness. Yennefer pushed the doppler off of her, rolling to the side just in time to avoid yet another blow from Gudros. She yelled inarticulately and stabbed upwards, piercing his gut through. Without bothering to check if he was dead, Yennefer turned to Velah and Ozrias, both of whom were advancing on Jaskier, swords drawn.

“Behind you,” she shouted, and he ducked a swipe meant to behead him. She darted over and shoved Velah away with a kick to the side, and in the same motion brought her sword up to parry Ozrias’ next strike. Behind her, she heard the doppler let out a guttural noise and collapse—hopefully dead—and out of the corner of her eye she spotted Jaskier trying to avoid Velah’s wildly swinging sword. He barely dodged the last one, and earned himself a neat score along his cheek, blood pouring forth from the small wound.

Luckily, Ozrias proved to be a rather weak swordfighter, and she killed him with a swift dodge and counterattack, cutting off his head in one swift motion. She threw herself in between Jaskier and Velah just in time, handily disarming her while Jaskier cowered and yelped behind her.

Pointing her sword straight at Velah’s throat, Yennefer demanded, “Where is he?”

Velah threw her hands up. “He’s in Spalla. Please, don’t kill me.”

Yennefer narrowed her eyes. “You hurt what’s mine.”

“Please, mercy—” She didn’t finish; she was dead before her body hit the floor. Mercy granted her a quick death, but nothing more. Not after kidnapping her right-hand man, her lover, not after bombing her palace and killing her people, not after hurting Jaskier.

Jaskier took in a deep breath, letting it out shakily. “Whoo. That’s enough excitement for me, I think. I need to sit down,” he said, and sat down right there in the middle of the wreckage.

Yennefer busied herself with cleaning her sword. “So you don’t want to come to Spalla with me?” she asked casually, and he sprang back up to his feet—albeit shakily.

“No, no, I’m in! Someone has to write sweeping songs of your victories there.” He paused. “Just, maybe, a moment to catch my breath? I’ve never really—ah—never had to fight for my life before. Never killed anyone, either. I think my body might be shutting down?” he squeaked, sinking to his knees. “My—my heart is beating so fast, gods, and my hands feel all tingly, and I’m shaking—”

“That’s the adrenaline,” Yennefer answered, kneeling down as well. “It will pass.”

“Good. Because this—well, is this what you feel all the time?” He looked up at her, a dawning sort of respect in his gaze.

She shrugged. “You get used to it eventually. But yes, more or less.”

“Color me impressed, then.” As they spoke, the color began to return to his cheeks, and his frantic breathing slowed, and his shaking died down. “Alright. I’m feeling better, I think.”

“Good,” she echoed, sheathing her sword and helping him up. “Because now we ride for Rivia.”

“To Rivia,” he repeated. “Hey, do you think Geralt will be impressed? Bet he’s never killed a doppler before.”

“Shut up, Jaskier,” she replied, but couldn’t hide the small smile that graced her face.

Her palace was in ruins, and Geralt had been kidnapped, and they were about to go to war with Rivia for the second time, but somehow she knew—it would be alright.

#the witcher #geraskefer #yenskier #yennskier #yenralt #geralt #jaskier #yennefer #warlord au #accidental warlord au #hurt jaskier #jaskier whump #in the rare event that i write more ask to be tagged

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